The University Ruse Wishing you a ‘Happy April Fool’s!’ since 1921
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Vol. MMIV No. 4 8 15 16 23 42
Lady Gaga to take the reins, enters into bad romance with SLU Outgoing President BeyondMe will take a year to work on his pop music career By SWORLEY
no comment to The University Ruse regarding his allegedly poor choice in dance moves. Shortly after, Beyond-Me made his entrance. Instead of sporting his usual Jesuit garb, the president was wearing a blue-and-white bejeweled jacket with a rhinestone fleur-de-lis, paired with garish gold leggings and what appeared to be a headpiece made out of telephones. Beyond-Me completed his outfit with facial make-up composed of a large, shiny silver lightning bolt, which ran across the eccentrically dressed president’s left eye. Beyond-Me finally danced his way up to the podium and continued to give a statement concerning his future career plans.
The most recent President’s Coordinating Council meeting concluded on a very interesting note—in fact, a musical one. T h e PCC meeting agenda stated that there would be a special Beyond-Me pr esentation by Saint Louis University President Larson Beyond-Me, however, judging by the reactions of those in attendance, no one was expecting what Beyond-Me presented. When the final piece of business before BeyondRah-rah-ah-ah-ah, Me’s presentation concludro-ma ro-ma-ma. ed, the lights in the Saint Louis Room of the Busch Gaga, ooh la la! Student Center dimmed —President Gaga and a trance-like beat reminiscent of a European dance mix began to play in the background. It was reported that Vice President “After much personal confor Students Developing, Ken Bellhopmeadow, was caught sideration and mentorship fist-pumping in tempo with from my now good friend, the strange music, but these Ms. Lady Gaga,” Beyond-Me rumors are yet to be fully sub- said, “I have decided to pursue a career in the pop music stantiated. Bellhopmeadow offered industry.”
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Rydawg Little James / Fack Bock Editor
Artist guesstimation of what Outgoing President Beyond-Me will look like a year into his electronic pop music career, under the stage name of Papa B. According to the artist formerly known as Beyond-Me, he and the famous pop singer Lady Gaga had been collaborating and trading expertise in their respective fields and ended up creating a contract. “Now that I will be starting my world tour and thus unable to continue my duties as SLU president, Lady Gaga will be stepping in as my replacement,” BeyondMe said. After Beyond-Me concluded his statement, he turned to leave the room in a manner only a new pop star could—with a choreographed routine. Beyond-Me broke it down as a posse of back-up dancers followed close behind.
Updates on Beyond-Me’s career (under the stage name Papa B) will be sent out periodically via Newslink. When asked how she feels about her newly acquired position as SLU president, Gaga expressed confidence in the University’s future and even offered advice for students. “Just dance, gonna be okay,” Gaga said. “Da da doodoo um, just dance.” Not only is Gaga optimistic about the upcoming semester, but she is also planning on instituting new policies. Such policies will include requiring that all Student Government Association presidents perform a dance routine with Gaga herself at the start of all SGA meetings. SGA President-Elect Kourt-
ney Anteater expressed her excitement in the upcoming policy. “Yes, I’m excited. I’ve already started practicing,” Anteater said. She also said that her elected executive board would serve as her backup dancers. Finally, Gaga stated that the University motto would be updated in order to better fit the pop star’s eccentric persona, and she also anticipates the change will attract more students—especially those students interested in studying the romance languages. “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah, ro-ma, roma-ma, Gaga, ooh la la, want your bad romance,” Gaga said, “will replace the current motto on all University seals.”
Chartgood is at it again. “We didn’t feel our green initiatives were quite enough,” District Manager Pat Thimble said, “So we stepped up our recycling efforts with a new restaurant.” This new goal is manifested through the recent addition of the “Stuff We Found On the Side Of The Road Cafe” in Fuzz Food Court. SWFOTSOTR Cafe, promises fresh food made from entirely recycled materials picked up from the many roads in and around St. Louis, which would’ve otherwise gone to waste. “The carcasses we pick up are never more than one or two days old, and they’re all locally produced,” Thimble said. SWFOTSOTR offers students a medley of options for meals, including their popular dead possum taco and dead bird and egg salad sandwich. They even include a Build Your Own Burger Bar. “Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” a sophomore no one’s ever heard of said. “You get to pick your own roadkill and they put it on some bread for you. Then you can add stuff, like lettuce. I’m partial to dead deer.” The café also serves breakfast options, including burnt rubber bacon, the “unidentifiable” meat on a biscuit and pancakes. Sort of. “Our pancakes are pretty much roadkill that has been run over a bunch of times so they’re super flat. You know, like pancakes,” Thimble said. Starting next semester, SWFOTSOTR will be offering a new daily lunch special called “Stuff We Fished Out of the Mississippi River This Morning.” What the special entails is fairly self-explanatory.
New student group on campus is ready to show the earth who’s boss
Stack ‘em up Housing woes may have a permanent solution
By KOJOE JINGLER Some Dude
Surely you can find the rest of the story yourself. Or do we have to do everything ourselves? Sighhh. Fine. It’s on Page 2. YOU’RE WELCOME.
Scientists around the world are working hard to prove that global warming exists, and that it is human-generated. However, junior Hillary Leviosa, a Liver Destruction and Klingon double major, recently realized something that most students have probably not thought about. Climate-focused organizations and groups all seem to have an ‘anti-change’ slant. “I just woke up one morning, and after absentmindedly using several aerosol cans filled to the brim with chlorofluorocarbons, I realized that no one stands up for environmental change,” Leviosa said after not recycling her Coke Zero can. Leviosa and several other environmentally unconscious students decided they needed to take action. After approaching Student Government Association, a new CSO was born, with the simple goal of playing a role in devouring Earth’s dwindling resources. SLU Students for Climate Change (SLUSCC) is, as Leviosa described, a group for students who are “apathetic and/or destructive” and want to “do their part to speed up the process of creating a fi-
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By YOUR MOM ...But She Says I’m Cool!
Housing shortages have plagued Saint Louis University in recent years, as enrollment numbers have swelled despite stagnant housing options and a new requirement that underclassmen live on campus. However, it appears that this problem has been solved, due to some stealthy maneuvering by the Department of Houses and Residing On Campus. Rather than building a new dorm, all rooms in Reinert Hall and Griesedieck Hall will become dodecatuplets, effective in the 20102011 academic year. Thanks to new bunk bed technology, rather than simply stopping at two beds, each bunk bed will be stacked with four. Through this compact design, Houses and Residing On Campus will be able to fit three sets of these beds (12 beds total) into each room. “The thing is, SLU has plenty of space for housing, but people are only looking at it from a limited, two dimensional, square-foot point of view,” Director of Houses and Residing On Campus Alan Sturdylamp said. “There is too much space wasted between the bed and the ceiling that could be filled with taller bunk beds and more students.” Sturdylamp said he got his inspiration from Japanese capsule hotels, which feature small pods stacked on top of one another with room only for sleeping. Houses and Residing On Campus has also explored the possibility of making each twin bed double occupancy, meaning each student would have not only roommates, but a bedmate as well. Determination of a student’s
By KIRSTEN MIAYES That Little Girl
Gaga ‘promises [she]’ll be kind,’ Looks Like Cory Matthews
Food: Fresh off the pavement
Illustration by “Uncle” Craig’s Favorite
Early sketches of a room in Griesedieck Hall.
big spoon or little spoon status in this case would be done on a lottery basis. Thanks to this move, SLU will be able to double the occupancy of each room, making it 24. When asked about how students would feel about having only 1.5 feet of space between their bed and the bed above them, Sturdylamp said that studies have shown that sitting up is pretty overrated, anyway. Officials have also indicated a hope that this setup may ideally cut down on the number of inappropriate “hook ups” on University mattresses, due to the “sheer physical impossibility of it” in this narrow set up. In addition, to make room for the beds, no longer will rooms be provided with a desk and dresser for each student. Instead, there will only be one of each in each room and it will come down to a desperate scuffle between the 24 residents to determine who gets a desk, who gets a dresser and who gets nothing.
Rydawg Little James / Pant Fack Bock
The SLUSCC logo.
ery, desolate, post-apocalyptic world for generations to come.” The group, which runs a Facebook page almost 1,000 strong, is open to all SLU students passionate about climate change, except for those majoring in Earth Science. “We don’t want to be exclusive, but those Earth Science majors, with their ‘facts’ and ‘figures’ just tend to acid rain on our parades,” she said. SLUSCC holds weekly meetings in Tegeler Hall, where they discuss their plans for the future and how best to bring about a swifter end to it. After only a few weeks of existence, SLUSCC has sponsored several trips into the heart of St. Louis, including one where they were given the opportunity to throw plas-
tic, six-pack rings into the Mississippi River. They also participated in an Anti-Earth Week exercise, in which every member turned on all their lights, electronics and faucets, and pledged to take jumbo jets instead of driving or using public transportation for short and otherwise unnecessary trips for a week. Later, Leviosa used money allocated to the group to purchase 17 full-size Hummer limos, which SLUSCC rules dictate can never carry more than two people at a time, and must be driven a minimum of 150 miles per day, and left idly running at all other times. When asked about the future, Leviosa seemed excited. She described distant goals like the deforestation of Forest Park and the “sludgization” of the Mississippi. “I know those sound ridiculous and idealistic,” she admitted while dumping her garbage into a nearby lake. “We are working with similar groups all along the Mississippi, including the University of Memphis and the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis to eventually accomplish these goals.” After SLU, Leviosa said she hopes to get a job as a lobbyist to fight for the right to destroy the environment as quickly as possible.
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SLU reveals its strategic plan for increasing enrollment and recruitment.
The editorial board calls for less cowbell.
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A new interpretive dance team prepares to face off with the JabbaWockeeZ.
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Basketball team gets “stomped” by Godzilla Community College.