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Vol. XOXO No. 42
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Cubs win World Series University community now concerned about 2012 apocalypse By BB OYD Thinks he is all that
In an event which shocked even the most staunch baseball analysts, the Chicago Cubs have been tabbed as the preseason favorites to win the 2011 World Series. Behind the bats of feared sluggers Koyie Hill and Darwin Barney, the team looks to generate enough offense to contend. Coupled with a feared pitching rotation headed by the totally not insane Carlos Zambrano, the organization finally has the pieces to end a 103-year drought. Unfortunately, for the rest of society, the prediction could spell disaster, acting as a harbinger for another even more ludicrous prediction: The apocalypse predicted by the Mayan long-count calendar. Although the Mayans predicted the world to end in 2012, experts on the subject agree that the Cubs claiming the 2011 World Series trophy would be enough to expedite the process. “Yes, all signs point to the apocalypse commencing in 2012, but the consensus in the academic community seems to be that the Cubs winning the Series would take precedence over some stupid calendar,” renowned history scholar Jimmy Bob Jones, PhD., said. When asked about the implications of their beloved Cubbies ending the existence
Top o’ the mornin’!
of humanity as we know it, Cubs fans were largely indifferent. “Apocalypse? Who gives a crap? CUBBIES WORLD SERIES BABY! NORTH SIDE FOR LIFE!!!!!!” Chase Miller, an interior designer from Chicago, said. The Cubs players and staff are confident that, despite the predictions offered by renowned experts, that there is absolutely zero chance in hell that they win the World Series. “Listen, we have been screwing this up for over a century. We have had payrolls twice that of previous champions, two game advantages in playoff series and Markfreaking-Grace. We still could not finish the job. There is no way we can be responsible for this,” rarely injured runproducing-machine Alfonso Soriano said through a translator. “Right? Guys? Right? Oh God.” Chicago Cubs general manager Jim Hendry expressed similar sentiments regarding the experts’ predictions. “I ensure that through my ineptitude, we will not bring about the apocalypse as described in the Book of Revelation. Do you really think a higher power would allow a man who signed Milton Bradley to a multi-year, THIS JUMPS
KT Teller of Lies
Sophomores Hilary Korabik, Colleen Logue, Hannah Dussold and Lizzie Bartek stumble upon books in the library, a concept that left them in complete awe.
Student finds book in library Lucky Charms cereal has gone missing Tress’s discovery. “We worry about Matt sometimes,” Day said. “Last When sophomore Matt week he chased a squirrel Tress stumbled into the li- around a trash can for two brary last week, the last thing hours. We’ve been trying to he expected to find there was get him help, but now that he thinks he discovered a leprea book. “A book? Nah, man, I chaun colony. Well, there’s not much hope chased this left…” leprechaun T r e s s in there,” said he plans T r e s s to be in said. “I rethe library ally wanted some Lucky A book? Nah, man, more often now that Charms.” L u c k y I chased this lepre- he knows C h a r m s chaun in there. I real- where the or not, ly wanted some Lucky books are. “ Ye a h Tress was man, now s h o c k e d Charms. that I found and awed them, I when he - Matt Tress might as looked up to well use find himself them. It’s surrounded not like the library’s going by shelf upon shelf of books. “Are you kidding?” Dean of anywhere anytime soon… Students Scooter Smite said. wait, what do you mean they’re “No, really, you’ve got to be renovating? WHAT ABOUT kidding me right now. It’s a THE LEPRECHAUNS!?!” In an unrelated story, library. What did that [lovely intelligent student] expect to Griesedieck dining hall reports that their entire stock find in there?” Tress was thrilled with his of Lucky Charms cereal has discovery, however, stating he gone missing. An anonymous staff member blames a horde could use it to his advantage. “Leprechauns love books,” of little green men. Director of Public Safety Tress said. “If there’s one book in here, there’s bound to be and Services, Cortland Rovmore. And that means there’s ing, thinks the most logical probably a whole leprechaun explanation at this time is aliens. colony in the library!” “Aliens love Lucky Sonny Day, a close friend of Tress, was no less sur- Charms,” Roving said. “Provprised when he heard about en fact.” By KROSTEN PIANO That little girl
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Friday, April 1, 2011 WhaDDup?
Hey You! YO!
Turn the page. Do it. You know you want to.
Hey Girl Heyyyyy!
PICK UP THE PAPER RIGHT NOW! C’MON!
‘Building Bridges’ party begins Building Bridge
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Members of Building Bridges begin building bridges. When asked how students might cope with the construction, incoming SGA president Ryan Matt stressed the importance of not panicking and remembering to bring your towel.
Ryan Matt, VPs tackle overpass, music video with famous St. Louis rapper By AIR-RI-KA COBBLER Walks on water, types quickly
Following their sweeping victory in February’s Student Government Association elections, members of the Building Bridges ticket are ready to put their hard hats to the test and tackle their first task: The rebuilding of the Grand viaduct between Chouteau Avenue and Interstate 64. “We didn’t buy all of these hard hats for nothing,” Ryan Matt, incoming SGA president, said. “We told people we wanted to build bridges, so why not rebuild an actual bridge? It can’t be that difficult.” Building Bridges held an event on March 14 to mark the official closing of the Grand Bridge. The party included a balloon drop at 3 a.m. and an appearance by popular St. Louis rap artist Nelly, who collaborated with Building Bridges on his new song, “We’re on a Bridge, but Not Really Because It’s Closed.” Time spent filming a music video with Nelly caused Building Bridges to delay the closing of the Grand Bridge for several months. “That’s why we had to keep changing the date of the closing, over and over and over again,” St. Louis City Streets Director Trett Waelterdude said.
Matt said his team is currently constructing models of the new bridge out of LEGOs and an Etch-a-Sketch. “We’ve tossed around a lot of ideas for how to make the bridge better,” Matt said. “Some of our top ideas right now are the addition of a giant Billiken statue that could be seen from downtown and a moving sidewalk, like they have in airports.” The construction project will take 1,459,231,875,348 man hours, all of which will be completed by the Building Bridges ticket and that guy who was featured in their campaign videos. “It’s going to be a long process, but we’re going to have fun with it,” T-Swag, the incoming vice president for student organizations, said. Building Bridges plans to reopen the Grand Bridge partially to traffic in seven years. While construction is underway, Building Bridges is working to secure funding for alternate modes of student transportation. Incoming financial vice president Jackson Ferpas said that every Saint Louis University student will be provided with a motorized scooter to travel between campuses. The basketball team will be able to trade in their current scooters for hovercrafts designed
OMG. We’re Building a Bridge! -Bridge to reopen in 7 years -Project will take 1,459,231,875,348 man hours -All students to receive motorized scooters to travel between campuses -Basketball team will trade scooters for hovercrafts -Closing party on March 14 included a balloon drop and an appearance from Nelly -Proposed plans include a giant Billiken statue and a moving sidewalk by students in the Parks College of Engineering, Aviation and Technology. Though the reopening of the bridge is in the distant future, one member of the Building Bridges ticket already has plans for how to christen the new bridge. “I don’t know about everyone else, but I plan on dropping it like it’s even hotter when the bridge reopens,” Sean Hustler, incoming vice president for internal affairs, said.
The members of the Building Bridges ticket will no longer be SLU students in seven years, but they are dedicated to the project and will just pass off whatever they do not finish to the next SGA executive board. “Whoever plans on running for SGA for the next few years should expect the Grand Bridge to be one of their platform points,” Matt said. “We can’t wait to pass on our hard hats to the next great group of bridge-builders.”
Dubourg Hall’s attic, remains of lost ark By Dr. DRE Cat lady
Admissions counselor Bephen Starnes said he was startled when he arrived at DuBourg Hall early Monday morning to discover a trail of hay leading from Grand Boulevard through the hallways of the building. As he approached his office, Starnes said he heard animal noises coming from the fourth floor. “I’ve been in this building every day for the past year,” Starnes said of DuBourg Hall. “Never before have I heard elephants and geese from my office.” Sarnes immediately contacted Facilities Management, who then promptly inspected the building for exotic animals. Bathleen Krady, Vice President of Facilities Management, said she was surprised to find not only elephants and geese, but giraffes, aardvarks, llamas and tigers, to name a few, in the Sinquefield Stateroom on DuBourg’s fourth
floor, two of each, side by side. “We’ve never seen anything like it before, and we have no idea how long the animals have been hiding up there or where they came from,” Krady said. The mysterious animals seemed to have landed in the building by boat, as the roof of the Sinquefield Stateroom has been replaced by a large wooden vaulted structure.
The origin of the boat is under debate by the administration. “I have reason to believe that the large boat may actually be Noah’s Ark,” Whon Jaide, the University archivist, said. “Carbon dating of the solid wood craftsmanship shows that the boat may be around 5,000 years old, the precise time that Noah set sail in the Old Testament, so the animals are quite elderly.” While animals are now
running rampant two-by-two down West Pine, students are concerned for their safety. A stampede of cattle, wildebeasts, unicorns and rhinoceroses trampled through campus, demolishing the Clock Tower and several fountains. The Saint Louis Zoo and the Department of Animal Protection have been called in to round up the animals, but some students have been seen hoarding them as pets in dorm rooms.
I fool you
KT Ben
The remains of Noah’s ancient vessel for creatures reworked to create the Sinquefield Stateroom in DuBourg Hall.
Recycle? Who does that? Who reads this line next to the recycling sign anyway?