UniLife Magazine 20.03 by Verse Magazine

MAGAZINE Issue 20.03 - May 2012 | www.unilifemagazine.com.au

Editorial

any of you guys have friends who attend Adelaide Uni and enjoy reading their student-run magazine On Dit.

It’s been drawn to our attention recently that in their fourth edition, On Dit ran an article comparing UniLife Magazine to the Adelaide Casino. The author said: “Calling UniLife a ‘magazine’ is a bit like calling the casino a ‘unique cultural centre’…fuck off.”

Although we appreciate a person’s right to voice their opinion, passing off misinformation as “crucial facts” is deeply concerning. We’ve since been informed that On Dit has issued an apology to UniLife Magazine in their fifth and latest issue, which we appreciate.

On Dit responded by refusing “to have an editorial opinion on the casino.”

Hopefully both magazines can move on and continue producing quality content for their respective unis.

We were surprised and disappointed to read these comments from a magazine we respect.

Anywho, let’s talk about stuff directly relevant to us, shall we?

The article itself, ‘Student Media’, was about Spur, an alternative student-run magazine started up by those dissatisfied with On Dit (see p. 3 for the full story). You may have seen Spur lying around your campus lately.

The SA University Blood Challenge is in full swing, meaning it’s time to start rolling up those sleeves. UniSA is competing against Flinders and Adelaide Uni to see who can save the most lives by donating blood. Keep an eye out for the mobile buses coming to your campus during the year. To take part, head to/www.donateblood. com.au/who-can-give/club-red/join-group), enter “University of South Australia” and complete your details. You’ll need a Donor ID to join, though, so call 13 14 95 to get one.

The author claimed that, because there was a “distinct lack of a student mag at either of our city’s other two universities (including Flinders)”, the magazine market was “wide open”. The author also said the Spur editorial team had “received great feedback and interested contributors” from UniSA students – yet when UniLife Magazine spoke to Spur editor Serrin Prior, she confirmed Spur didn’t have a single UniSA contributor for their first issue. …Wait, what? We believe that publishing such misinformed, misleading and downright petty views does nothing to help promote friendship and respect between our universities.

It’s a very worthy cause, too – one in three people need blood, but unfortunately only one in thirty donates. The challenge ends in October, so get involved and help out! As always, please get in touch with us at unilife. magazine@unisa.edu.au or our Facebook page. We’d love to hear from you, especially if you’ve got a story idea! Enjoy the issue, Sean, Sam, Tom and Cat.

Contents

Is this the end of UniLife Magazine?

SuperTAFE 06 Tits and Giggles: In Defence of Funny Women

Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re a what? Bye.

Student artwork 14 May/June Calendar 16 Sex Shop Jake 18 Beards, Baby. 20 More Manliness 22 How to Pick Up 24 Seven Day Trial - Energy Enhancers

Iron Sky Review 28 The Human Toll 30 Cock-a-doodle-doo, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ROUSTAH! / SA Challenge

Cover art by Nataliya Bykovska Many thanks to our sub-editors and contributors. Visit www.unilifemagazine.com.au Follow us on Facebook or Twitter @unilifemagazine UniLife Magazine is an affiliate of UniLife Inc. Published 14/05/2012

WRITER: TOM ANGLEY

Is this the end of UniLife Magazine?

hat if I told you UniLife Magazine wasn’t the only student-run publication at UniSA? Yep, we officially have a ‘rival’ now. But rather than shun them, or corrupt them from the inside, I took the bold approach of interviewing Psychology Honours student Alex Stretton, the creator of Autonomous Intellect, to try and understand why he felt the need to start up such a magazine. Alex’s answer is simple: “The idea came about from not being satisfied with the current UniLife Magazine.” Ouch. He explains further: “I was kind of aiming for something that was a bit more challenging socially and politically. I’m trying to emulate the old Entropy magazine that was around when I first started university that I got really into.”

“It’s just been a slow change in my mind from what Entropy was to something that is a little more ‘soft’. Things that I wouldn’t pick up the magazine to read, like reviews of Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga CDs,” Alex argues. (If we ever publish a Lady Gaga review this year, I give you permission to burn UniLife Magazine there and then).

“...more students are running alternative magazines because ‘they feel empowered enough to do so’.” When I ask him about this year’s magazine, Alex hesitates slightly.

Ah, yes. Long-time students might remember UniLife Magazine’s predecessor, Entropy – a magazine that was run by a former staff member, had a hefty budget, and, according to Alex, was renowned for its “tongue-in-cheek political analysis and no holds barred social attacks on certain individuals in the public life.”

“I did enjoy reading the magazine in parts. It’s not like I hated UniLife Magazine. I’ve read some really good articles over the years when it changed from Entropy (in 2009), and in saying that I’ve got criticisms for Entropy as well,” he admits.

Okay, fair enough. Some readers may have fond memories of Entropy. But many students, including myself, are only familiar with UniLife Magazine. What’s changed?

“I remember reading it (Entropy) and feeling perplexed because they had this environmental ideology and yet the next page they were pushing a full-page ad for free Hummer rides to the uni ball.

“You’ve got to be critical of everything in life.” And, indeed, it seems some Adelaide University students are adopting this approach with Spur, a magazine recently started by those dissatisfied with On Dit. Spur’s editorial team states: “When we enrolled at University we assumed there was going to be a magazine like this one…certainly, student magazines existed, but something was amiss. “Enraged by the mediocrity that surrounded us, we decided to make our own publication.” Spur also stresses that their magazine is not funded by a union, university or political party; interpret that as you will. However, let me be clear. Yes, UniLife is UniSA’s student union and, yes, they fund UniLife Magazine. They’re also happy to provide comment on stories, and occasionally suggest events for us to cover if we’re looking for ideas.

“The only thing more blatantly obvious than trying to tailor publications towards students, is trying to be an authentic alternative publication for students when missing the mark.” Autonomous Intellect creator Alex Stretton is more forgiving, saying UniSA’s diverse population means everyone has different tastes. “You’ve got to work together and put out stuff that’s interesting to everyone, and you can’t do that with one magazine,” he says. “It’s about appealing to different students’ interests…you’re not going to appeal to everyone.” As Alex heads out of our office (C1-67, by the way – come visit!), I contemplate if this is the end of UniLife Magazine as we know it.

But that’s it. There’s no ‘obligation’ to do X amount of UniLife-specific stories per issue.

But then I realise Alex’s decision was based on the fact he felt nobody really gave a shit.

Admittedly, we can’t cover everything. Independent publications, like arts and culture magazine The Adelaide Collective, can offer something a little different.

Well, screw that. We’d rather you guys didn’t get to the stage where starting up your own magazine was the only option. We’re getting paid to be your magazine, after all.

Collective’s co-creator and UniSA Media Arts student, Tanya Jane Brain, says more students are running alternative magazines because “they feel empowered enough to do so”.

Here’s where you come in.

“I think that is the biggest accomplishment the University could wish upon students, that they begin their own projects and grow into the professionals those Graduate Qualities are always so keen on,” she says.

Tanya wants more “authenticity” in UniLife Magazine, and is worried too many articles are being “tailored” towards students.

If we’re not catering to your interests, submit something. Want more “tongue-in-cheek” political commentary? There’s nothing stopping you from submitting some. Email us at unilife.magazine@unisa.edu.au, check out unilifemagazine.com.au, like our Facebook page or follow us on Twitter. Or *gasp*

say hi to us on campus. If you’re not happy with the way things are going, let us know.

is written by UniSA students, for UniSA students. It’s that simple.

This is your publication. How can you criticise what you choose not to change?

Yes, we might have to cover a couple of stories you might not exactly find intellectually riveting or sidesplittingly funny, but for the most part, we’re your blank canvas.

And if you like what you’re reading…thank you. A note from all of us: We think there are a few key differences between UniLife Magazine and other studentrun magazines. So-called ‘independent’ publications, like Autonomous Intellect, rely on advertising to survive, have an open contribution policy (meaning anyone can submit…well, anything they want) and aren’t obligated to cover stories relevant to students. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with that, and we wish Alex all the best – but UniLife Magazine

Image courtesy of www.sxc.hu

Basically what we want to say is GIVE US A GODDAMN SHOT. If you want a magazine that represents your interests, you’ve already got one. Use us, abuse us; that’s what we’re here for. And if anyone tells you submitting to a ‘SuperTAFE’ magazine is a waste of time, tell ‘em to get fucked. Campus pride, yo.

WRITER: MATTEO GAGLIARDI PHOTOS: AMY HERRMANN

SuperTAFE: A pretentious prejudice or credible criticism?

’m sure you’ve all had friends from other universities joke that UniSA should be renamed “SuperTAFE”, effectively consigning it to an educational status beneath university. I’m not saying that TAFE is in any way beneath university, but certainly that’s what is intended by the pejorative label your friends use to ridicule your university. But what would such friends say if they were asked: “Why do you call UniSA SuperTAFE?” At first, they might snigger arrogantly and say something along the lines of “UniSA is consistently ranked the lowest out of the three SA universities.” Of course, they would be right. But this is rapidly changing, as Matthew Walton, UniLife’s Representative for Post-Graduate Students, explained. “UniSA’s dominance of the local and international student market is part symptom and cause of its rapid rise up the world university rankings – a rise that’s been faster than any other Australian university as of late,” Walton told UniLife Magazine. UniSA’s jump of 25 places up the QS World University Rankings to 256th last year was the largest recorded among Australian institutions, and took it above Flinders Uni’s position at 299 (after dropping 48 places incidentally). UniSA was, however, still overshadowed by Adelaide Uni, which placed 92nd.

Nevertheless, this rise is an indication that UniSA is emerging and competing well with other universities internationally. At that, your friends from Adelaide may scoff, “Well UniSA, like TAFE, allows entry to almost anyone.” Sure enough, a quick look over the SATAC website shows that entry scores for undergraduate programs at UniSA appear generally lower than those of the other two universities. UniSA also has by far the largest number of students in SA. The SA Government’s MyUniversity website shows that UniSA has 35,940 students compared to Adelaide Uni’s 23,917 and Flinders’ 18,435. But does this mean UniSA is the easiest to get into? Matthew Walton doesn’t think so. “The reality is that UniSA is the university of choice for both local and international students, with about as many enrolments as Adelaide and Flinders combined,” he said. “I think the fact that more students choose to study here is because there are a number of fields in which UniSA clearly outperforms its competition.” These statements are at odds with student demand ratings given by the Good Uni Guide, though; while UniSA scored well with four stars, it came second to Adelaide with a score of five (Flinders received just 2).

“...despite popular belief, ‘prestige’ doesn’t exactly amount to much in the work-force. More UniSA graduates end up with fulltime employment than those of Adelaide or Flinders...” They would also be at odds with another of your Adelaide or Flinders Uni student friend’s assertions that the quality of study and academia at UniSA is generally lower as well. Walton is living proof that this isn’t exactly accurate. He switched to UniSA after spending years at Adelaide Uni, following better prospects. “I did my undergrad at Adelaide, but chose to do my Master of Business Administration (MBA) at UniSA because it’s widely regarded as the best in the state.” UniSA’s MBA program was rated five stars by the Graduate Management Association of Australia, and its Division of Business is accredited by the European Quality Improvement System. Neither Adelaide nor Flinders Unis can claim that about their MBA programs or Divisions of Business. There are other fields in which UniSA is considered to compete favourably with its rivals. These include Accounting, Architecture, Communications and Media, Computing and IT, and various medicinal and social sciences.

“But these fields aren’t exactly prestigious academic fields,” your friends may say. They’d point out that when it comes to serious academia, UniSA fares worse than the others. They could, for example, argue that UniSA’s research program is lagging behind its fellow unis. Pauline Mooney, Executive Director of the South Australian Research and Development Institute (SARDI), strongly opposes this stigma. “In SA, UniSA’s ERA ranking is second only to Adelaide Uni, (and) it is the youngest and most rapidly developing of our state-based universities,” she said. “The ERA ranking is based on performance and international benchmarks; clearly UniSA’s performance in the last ERA round disproves the hypothesis that (there is a negative perception of UniSA).” Indeed, the outcome of the first round of the Excellence in Research for Australia (ERA), released last year, shows a respectable 70 per cent of UniSA’s evaluated research is worldclass. Although dwarfed by Adelaide Uni’s score of 86 per cent, these figures suggest UniSA is good enough to be considered a reputable university when it comes to research standards. For those UniSA students overwhelmed by their friends’ scorns, remember they are merely pretentious, unjustifiable digs by snobs from rival universities.

UniSA does trail behind Adelaide in reputation, but it is budding and competes well, both locally and internationally, refuting the insinuation of it being a “SuperTAFE”. Besides, MyUniversity also shows that, despite popular belief, ‘prestige’ doesn’t exactly amount to much in the workforce. More UniSA graduates end up with full-time employment than those of Adelaide or Flinders, with 77.3 per cent compared to 74.5 per cent and 74.7 per cent respectively. So when you’re confronted by an Adelaide or Flinders Uni student calling UniSA “SuperTAFE”, Matthew Walton has some words of advice for you: “Make sure you know what your school of faculty does better than the other universities and then promote that strength. “That way if someone arrogantly challenges the quality of your education you’ll be armed with the facts when you launch your (spirited) rebuttal.”

WRITER: LOUISE MAYNARD ARTWORK: LISA DAVIDSON

Tits and Giggles: In Defence of Funny Women

hen it comes to gals who make us giggle, Britain boasts the likes of Dawn French, Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley and Catherine Tate.

In 2007, Christopher Hitchens argued in Vanity Fair that women simply aren’t as amusing as men, in an article imaginatively titled ‘Why Women Aren’t Funny’.

America has a proud tradition of comical dames, from Mae West and Lucille Ball to Jeanne Garofalo and Tina Fey.

Hitchens said women are slower to understand punchlines, based on a single study where ten women had to rate the humour level of a newspaper strip. Not only are we “backwards” at generating comedy, but Hitchens also theorises that women are lazy, relying on their looks to make them appealing to men. Most comediennes are thus “hefty or dykey or Jewish, or a combo of all three”.

Canada has Avril Lavigne; she’s considered a joke. In Australia, Magda Szubanski, Fiona O’ Loughlin, Kitty Flanagan, Hannah Gadsby, Gina Riley and Jane Turner are just some of the jewels in our comedy crown. As for Adelaide? Well, this year’s Fringe showcased a huge amount of home-grown Aussie female comedians, such as Claire Hooper, Felicity Ward and Judith Lucy. Looking at the BankSA Fringe Awards, we can find – uh, oh. Ouch. While it’s fantastic that the riotously rude ladies of EastEnd Cabaret won first prize, they’re Brits. Australian female comedians won nothing. Of course, there’s no shortage of funny women here. Cabaret, which often features witty wordplay and risqué burlesque, had 31 female-starring acts at this year’s Fringe. And even though men still dominate the stand-up arena, the ladies hold their own with 30 comediennes on 2012’s bill. So why does the idea that ‘women just aren’t that funny’ still persist?

I polled ten of my straight male friends. In the top five qualities they look for in a woman, all of them mentioned a sense of humour. So there. If a single study of ten people is considered ‘solid evidence’ in your article, Hitch, it’s evidence enough for mine. Sadly, he’s not the only one. Eddie Brill, the man who used to book comedians on The Late Show with David Letterman, recently went on the record saying that he was averse to hiring female comedians because he thought they weren’t “authentic”. Human-turd hybrid Jerry Lewis, in a 1998 show, said not only did he not find any female comedians funny, but a woman was nothing more than “a producing machine that brings babies in [sic] the world”. Ohoho, Jerry, stop. I think I just pissed myself.

But, just as having balls doesn’t automatically make you a gut-buster, having a uterus doesn’t specifically mean that you’re gonna be a hoot. Demi Lardner, well-known Adelaide comedienne (who has been performing stand-up for 1,051,742 minutes and 53 seconds), thinks that comedians who specifically place emphasis on their gender aren’t doing themselves any favours: “I think it’s fine if comics want to refer to their gender for a gag, but if it doesn’t work towards a point, or it has to do with them essentially complaining that they aren’t given a fair go because of it, it’s basically not funny…If you’re going to put on a comedy night, book whoever is funny, and give a good show.

“If you’re a lady-human” and people aren’t booking you for regular gigs, it’s not because of your gender. You’re probably just not being funny, or haven’t worked out your angle or maybe you’re a douchebag. You need to be genuinely entertaining. And end your bits with ‘Waka waka’,” Demi said. Short of dismantling your vagina before you go on stage and then re-assembling it later, Lardner has this sage advice for women who wish to pursue a career in comedy: “Do it if you’re funny. It works better.” And seeing as you can’t turn on the TV (New Girl), see a movie (Bridesmaids) or go to a comedy club without being tickled pink by a funny gal, looks like the joke’s on you, Christopher Sh… *cough* Hitchens. Waka waka.

You’re A What? Bye.

’m a feminist. No, no, no, come back! It’s not what you think! I don’t hate boys! I still like makeup and baking! You just don’t know what a feminist really is yet. I’m not here to scare you away, shave my head or burn my bra. I’m here to educate you. A few months ago someone asked me if I was a feminist. One incredulous look and an “Uh, yes” later, I realised he must have asked other girls and heard differently – that there are women in his social network who don’t consider themselves feminists. That hurt my heart. My heart, guys. I convinced myself the only women who claim not to be feminists just don’t understand the term. It was the only way my heart could take it. Don’t worry, I was once frightened of the f-word too. When I was younger and genuinely convinced that I would marry Justin Timberlake, one of my celebrity BFFs was Hilary Duff. ( Whatever). When she said, “I’m not, like, a crazy feminist. I think women definitely need men. Like, I couldn’t imagine having a girlfriend!” presumably in Dolly magazine, I decided that I agreed with her. Feminists ARE lesbians! Who ELSE would care so much about girls?! And this is where the problem begins. Misconception breeds men and women who are beginning to reverse an important movement. But how can you be against something you don’t understand? A few years ago, out of nowhere came a bunch of Facebook groups about girls ‘making me a fuckin’ sandwich’. Those guys are idiots. But then girls started joining them.

And started telling other girls to get back to the kitchen. Look how cool I am, boys! She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts! COD rules! I’m just one of the guys! Girls are such bitches! Do you know what’s worse than a misogynist? A female misogynist. You make me furious. You make me sick. You need to be sat down and told off for betraying your gender.

“Since when does having a set of ovaries mean that I’m not entitled to do more than get married and volunteer at the canteen on Fridays?” Girls who make these jokes aren’t helping themselves. They’re just reinforcing the idea that this is okay. That guy who laughs when you joke about domestic violence might take you to the movies. Congratulations! You’ve just found a boyfriend who thinks it’s okay to mentally, verbally and/or physically abuse you! Lucky you! “It’s a JOKE!” you scoff. Well, it’s not funny. There are men who really think that a woman’s place is at his beck and call, and when you make these “jokes”, you’re not only accepting their behaviour, you’re encouraging it. One day in year 12, I was talking to a guy about our uni plans and complaining that, as a writing major, I was doomed to tend bar forever.

WRITER: GENEVIEVE NOVAK

“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “Why not? Do I glitter with the light of impending success?” “No,” he said, “You don’t need a career. You’re a woman. You’ll be someone’s wife.” EEERRKKKKK went the sound of the tires in my head skidding to a halt. Excuse me? Since when does having a set of ovaries mean that I’m not entitled to do more than get married and volunteer at the canteen on Fridays? Of course, there’s nothing wrong with being a full-time wife and mother. But there’s nothing wrong with being a neurosurgeon with a drawer full of take-out menus, twelve birds and the full selection of Foxtel channels, either. And both of them can be good feminists. I want to vote. I want to make the same money as my male counterpart. I want the right to get as many abortions as I need to, and I don’t want to have to justify it to anybody. I want the right to be a mother and a working professional at the same time. I want men to understand that they can, and should, be feminists too. And unless he wants to live on spat-on scrambled eggs on toast and dirty looks, I want my husband to be sure that he’ll do his share of the cooking. I want all women to have the right to be dominatrixes or lawyers or housewives – as long as they’re the ones who chose it. Marry a woman, marry a man, have ten kids or twenty cats: just make sure YOU picked it. That’s a feminist, and if you still don’t want to be one, then we don’t need you.

Stefani Josee is a UniSA Graphic Design graduate. Check out her amazing style! (Left and Right). If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to show off your work, email us at unilife.magazine@unisa.

May/June 2012 M.

sixteen

14 (May) Facebook overlord Mark Zuckerberg turns 28

Wavves @ Fowlers Live

22 Joel Creasey headlines Adelaide Comedy

Live Acoustic every Thursd Academy

Kofi Trophy Second Heats @ CBC

- Journo Quiz The Academy

- Men In Blac

Mel Gibson re the Gringo re

Innovyz START program begins

Tiananmen Square 1989 Massacre

World Environment Day

twelve

six

INXS @ Harndorf Old Mill

The Wizard o Theatre

Swot Vac Week: June 11-15. Rem Exams: June 16-30. Make sure you

c sessions day @ The

z Night @ y

of OZ @ Arts

twenty

French Club’s ‘Mime Crawl 2012’

RSCPA Million Paws Walk

Towel Day – Douglas Adams tribute

- Dance Society UniSA: Movers and Shakers’ Workshop - National Sorry Day

Jacob’s Creek Barossa Half Marathon (Go Team Vista!)

01 (June)

ck 3 released

eturns! Get eleased

The Jezabels @ Thebarton Theatre

ten

McLaren Vale BankSA Sea & Vines Food and Wine Festival begins

member to study…or else. Like, otherwise you’ll fail. And nobody wants that. u check Portal for when and where your exams are held. Good luck!

Sex Shop Jake

met Jake in one of my creative communication classes. Trying to strike up some incredibly awkward and ridiculously uncomfortable first lesson banter, I turned to him and asked the usual questions. “So, what course are you doing?”“Enjoying it so far?” “OH (said as if I was genuinely surprised) you’re a third year too!?” And then, the employment question. “What do I do? I edit UniLife Magazine and work at Big W,” I replied, hoping Job A would cancel out some of Job B’s social stigma. “What do you do?” I asked. “Oh, I work at a sex shop,” replied Jake, casually. Anyone who knows me knows that I’m not very good with emotions. While I thought I was conveying an ‘Oh, that’s cool man, I’m a laid back dude; I find that kinda shit totally normal and I don’t feel uncomfortable at all’ kinda vibe, my face probably resembled that of a dying antelope. The conversation ended at this point. I had malfunctioned in a big way, and throughout the rest of the class I said nothing. It wasn’t till the following week that I mustered up the courage to ask for an interview. “I’m a bit nervous actually,” said Jake. He didn’t want people to think he was sleazy. “You don’t seem sleazy at all, and it’s not like you actually bought anything from the shop!” I reassured. I was met with a blank stare.

WRITER: SAMUEL SMITH

“Compared to the shit my other friends were doing, working at a sex shop seemed pretty tame.” “OH but...uh…even if you had…um… well that wouldn’t be…bad…either.” I had somehow managed to mess it up again and was half expecting Jake to get up and leave. But once I collected myself, Jake opened up. He said he got into the profession three years ago when he was 19. After quitting his engineering degree, he was at a loss for money and fell in with “a bad crowd” who apparently did drugs and bashed random people up for “fun”. His best friend’s girlfriend worked in a sex shop and said they were looking to hire. When I questioned him about his decision to apply, he replied: “Compared to the shit my other friends were doing, working at a sex shop seemed pretty tame.” Resisting the urge to feign coolness/understanding by dropping a line such as, “Yeah man, I know it’s a fucking crazy world out there,” I moved swiftly along. According to Jake, the worst part about working in the sex shop was its personal section. “It was soul-destroyingly depressing,” he said. “There was a pin board at the back of the shop and people would post their personal ads there.”

Image courtesy of www.sxc.hu

Jake said the ads ranged from “Man seeks woman for partnership”, to “Transexual bisexual hooker looking for same”. He laughed, “Sometimes people would come up to the front counter and ask me to help write their personal ads. When I’d ask them ‘Well, what are you into?’ they’d reply ‘Bondage, leather, three ways’ and I’d have to explain ‘No, no I mean like…what bands are you into? What are your hobbies?’” “At first, it was a very depressing job,” Jake said. “But after a while I got used to it, and it’s like…you know these places will exist whether you work at one or not, so you kind of just adapt.” “You’d get people stealing the weirdest things though – vibrators, blow up dolls, all that kind of stuff,” he said.

“And it was like…is there even any point stopping you? You’ve sunk so low that you’re stealing a Miss Piggy themed vibrator, how can I reduce your dignity any further?” As the interview drew to a close, Jake told me that he recently handed in his letter of resignation. While admittedly he was happy to “get the hell out”, he said that he’d never forget his workmates. “I’ve worked with some weirdos, but I’ve also worked with some really interesting people,” he said. “They’re people who are often overlooked, and actually have some pretty interesting things to say. I guess at the end of the day, when you work at a sex shop you kind of experience a lot of prejudice, and in a way that forces you to bond with your workmates.”

Beards, baby.

dig beards. And I’m proud of it. Gone are the days where the main objects of affection were Orlando Bloom types, all squeaky clean and naked-chinned. Bearded brethren can rejoice – a revolution is upon us.

Now I’ve got nothing against nude faces, but it’s time to go back, forefather style, where Abe Lincoln set the fashions. Boys, step away from the Schick! Facial hair is sexy again; the new accessory du jour. I’m talking Ryan Gosling, Matt Corby (oh don’t groan, he’s baben), Johnny Depp, Chris Hemsworth. Compare clean-shaven Mr Gosling in something like the Ides of March (bit of a dick) or Drive (murderer), to his bearded self in The Notebook (romantic carpenter). I think we know which one is better. And in honour of International Women’s Day, one website even compiled a gallery of the top 25 pictures of that beautiful decorated chin. It’s got devotees. It’s loved, adored. It has an internet shrine for god’s sake. Also, any coincidence that Hemsworth, as Thor, super god of thunder, has a beard? Or Zeus? No, I don’t think so. Them’s some powerful follicles. Which brings me to my next point: beard = cred. A 2010 study by the Journal of Marketing Communications found that both sexes believe men with beards are more credible and respectable. It’s a bit like glasses for those who actually have perfect vision (or don’t want to wear empty frames á la hipsters). As cliché as it may sound, beards are a sign of masculine bravado and ruggedness. Studies show the ability to grow a beard suggests to women a sexually mature mate – there’s science behind the appeal, it’s not just me gushing. That stubbly goodness can also say rebellion and cheekiness like Russell Brand, or bring to mind a lovely earthiness. Think folk singers, fisherman’s pants and tartan-clad men with axes, one foot resting on the stump of the giant tree they just single-handedly conquered. Beards are versatile; they can be lustworthy on a huge variety of people and situations. And nothing beats a bearded man in a suit. Of course, The Beards, Adelaide’s own scruffy songsters, deserve a mention. They’re spreading the good beard vibe nationally, with tunes (doubling as public service announcements) such as Beards Across Australia Unite, No Beard, No Good, and If Your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums. If you’re yet to be enlightened, have a listen quick smart.

WRITER: LUCY AHERN ARTWORK: ALEXANDRA STJEPOVIC-BURGESS

Admittedly, just growing a beard because you can isn’t guaranteed to make the ladies swoon (ahem, Brad Pitt). Not everyone is blessed with the (top half of a) face to get away with it. But here are some ground rules to help you pull it off.

1. Be confident, but retain some nonchalance; keep a touch of mystery in your mo.

2. Keep it groomed, trimmed and find a nice shape. Avoid excessive length – Gandalf and Dumbledore took it a bit too far.

3. Avoid the realm of the dickhead. Don’t dye it ‘exciting’ colours and DO NOT shave designs into the side. Beard flames won’t make you hot.

4. On that note, god, please god, no plaits. Unless your name happens to be Captain Jack Sparrow.

5. Try to keep food and cappuccino foam out of it. ‘Saving it for later’ is not an adequate excuse. My main point is this – try it. If you can do it without looking like a murderer, complete creep or your grandfather, let it grow. Don’t be afraid women won’t like it. We’re no longer afraid of pash rash. And ladies, I implore you. Don’t ignore the moustachioed man or the bearded brother; he’s full of testosterone, credibility and will in all likelihood be able to belt out a tune. And maybe, taking a recommendation from the wise words of The Beards, You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man.

More Manliness

was told by someone that we need more manliness in this magazine. Now, as a man, I will tell you right now that my balls are absolutely huge. They are at least 6ft in diameter. I had my first pair removed (they are now in Rundle Mall on display), but they grew back after I ate a 200ft steak in five minutes.

“...figure skating is apparently the most womanly sport but...you get to hold a woman by the gooch.” Here is a list of things that apparently make you manly. Pub Crawls: Ah, pub crawls – wearing a stupid t-shirt while stumbling around to every pub in Adelaide for drink specials with about five people you actually study with and another 20 sexual predators who will only say “mate” all night. Last time I checked, going around getting drunk was just called a Saturday. Do you know what most of society thinks when they see those shirts come rolling down the street? It’s often a warning sign; you are an advert for natural selection. Congratulations. All the while, I don’t see how this makes you any more manly at all. If there was a manly event to be held, it would be a beard combing competition or a penny farthing race contest.

Your Clothing: Today, the image of manliness is a total joke. Current ‘manly’ trends seem to consist of acid washed jean shorts, vests with logos on them that don’t even make sense, fluoro t-shirts with dumb 90s references on them, and guys with hair like Brock from Pokémon if he had a prostate check in a tornado. I am going to vomit. Just stop. Then maybe Cotton On will go out of business and I can stop worrying about what my nan will get me for Christmas. Da Club: What the hell does this even mean? When I go to a club nowadays, it feels like I am at the old watering hole in the middle of the African desert. Next time you are on a dance floor, look around; it’s basically a mating ground. It’s actually pretty damn gross, and with a man to woman ratio of around nine to one, you are bound to find the love of your life. Dubstep: If there is a genre that you have managed to ruin, it’s dubstep. Jaeger Bombs: They don’t even get you drunk, you pussy. Sport: Sport does not make you manly. Running up and down a field in short shorts tackling dudes is the exact opposite of manly. In fact, it’s ironic because figure skating is apparently the most womanly sport but the plusses of it are awesome:

WRITER: JEREMY COCKS ARTWORK: ROHAN CHEONG

- You get knives attached to your foot. - You get to hold a woman by the gooch. - You get to run around on knives listening to kick-ass music, and if anyone asks you otherwise you can spin kick them in the face and slit their throat. Only the following sports should be allowed: - Foxy Boxing. - Women’s Soccer. - Women’s Volleyball. - Ice Hockey, but for people with gigantic arms. I can’t write anymore due to restrictions on how many hate-filled words I can play with, but if you need information on anything, feel free to tune into things that are actually relevant. People seem to lack common knowledge about important things (thinking that Kony 2012 was relevant at all), and invest their time in stupid things no one cares about (cars, how women are apparently another species and reading about what some girl with gigantic jugs does on the weekend).

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H IT E SM VIN L UE Y IR AM ICK S :N R: TE RK RI WO W T AR

irst of all, let me get one thing straight. I’m not some kind of pep talking pimp daddy dating pro. To be honest, I have no fucking clue. Never in my life have I attempted to ‘pick up’ at a bar, BUT, my friends, as I’ve remained mysterious and elusive (or forever alone, depending which way you look at it), I’ve been able to watch the world go by. I know how things work. As a fly on the wall, I’ve witnessed the soaring highs and hilariously low lows of hormone-drenched, acceptance-seeking young adults attempting to ‘score’. I now feel that it is time to share my findings with you all. Join me as I recount my memoirs, and share with you a few handy tips when it comes to picking up that oh so special (or more often, not special at all) someone. Play it cool: Don’t be too forward. “Hey baby, I want to take you home and have sex with you” was a line thrown to a friend of mine at a club. Needless to say, a simple “hi” would have sufficed. Think of conversation beforehand: Okay, some personal experience here. I was once on a date and forgot how to talk. My communication skills were no more. Out of pure desperation, I distinctly remember panicking and somehow dropping the line: “Isn’t it sad how people keep birds in cages? I think they just want to be free.” For the record, I don’t care that much about birds. I could have rectified the situation by preparing some simple conversation starters. Don’t be a pussy: “You’re making my eyes rain” was a text that my sister’s friend received from a guy after she rejected him whilst out. Read it again, it gets worse. While the ‘sensitive type’ is always in demand, there’s ‘sensitive’ and then there’s ‘emotional wreck’. I’d like to say there’s a fine line but there isn’t. Don’t tell people how depressed you are: There’s really no bigger turn-off than finding out just how much someone hates their life. “I just have...*insert optional sob*…so many issues going on right now,” said a friend to his prospective date at a party last year.

“Oh shit…that sucks,” she replied, then walked off to eat spring rolls and flirt with his best friend. Don’t act dumb: Girls, avoid the terms ‘random’, ‘lil’ bit crazy’, ‘LUV’, and please don’t mention your ‘girlies’. Also don’t ever use the word ‘bubbly’ to describe yourself. Guys, avoid “Hay, babe”, the word ‘aye’, talking about how much you like beer, talking about how drunk you are or mentioning how many times you go to the gym. Don’t try to act smarter than you are: You’re probably fairly intelligent. I don’t really know that many truly stupid people. I do, however, know a lot of people who try to prove how smart they are by using terms/words that a) they don’t understand, b) can’t use in sentences, or c) are completely unnecessary. My best friend told me he was once with a girl when they passed a billboard with a skinny model on it. She turned to him, horrified, and said, “Ryan, I don’t get it. Why are all these girls so emasticated?” Sorry, I laughed just writing that. In conclusion, no one knows ‘ALL THE WORDS’, so in date scenarios, stick to the ones you’re comfortable with and practice the others at home. AND NOW (drum roll optional)…the big one. Be yourself: Yes, you probably just vomited in your mouth. It’s disgusting, cliché and lame, but suck it up; if I’m going to give any advice, this would be it. Be yourself and you automatically avoid all the potential disasters listed above. Be yourself, and you’ve got way more of a chance ‘picking up’ someone who you actually like (“WHAT?! Actually LIKE?” I hear you ask). So guys, next time you’re hunched over the bar, looking to tell the nearest honey that you wish she was DSL so you could get high-speed access, stop, take a moment and reflect. Maybe she ain’t after your bling bling, and maybe she doesn’t want to feel your bicep. Girls, same goes for you. Next time you see potential Mr Right (or uh...Mr ‘Right Now’), stop and think. Maybe he doesn’t care how many calories you consumed today, maybe he wants a conversation, and maybe (just maybe) he doesn’t want to see you play suggestively with your ten dollar tongue ring.

Seven Day Trial – Energy Enhancers

n the lead-up to exams, many students wonder how to power through intense cramming sessions. In an attempt to find out, I tried a different energy drink (and a few other things just for fun) each day for seven days, hoping I would stumble upon something that could push crammers into the early hours of the morning. I documented my progress to provide you with a wealth of knowledge for when a healthy diet, plenty of water and lots of sleep have failed (and let’s face it, they will). Day One: POWERADE (electrolyte energy drink) While Powerade is considered a sports drink that promotes hydration rather than increased mental stamina, I fondly remember red liquid-induced bursts of energy throughout my childhood. I therefore deduced that red Powerade may cause similar results. To test this, I downed a 600ml bottle only to procrastinate by doing handstands in my lounge room. Unsatisfied with my results, I drank another bottle while reading a chapter from a text book, alternating between bouncing on a gym ball and balancing on the arm of my lounge as I read. I then realised Powerade was the ideal choice if I needed to run a couple of kilometres to reach my text book. However, it had zero impact on increasing my concentration level. Day Two: MOTHER (caffeinated energy drink #1) As I had a test the following day, I needed to maximise my concentration and commit an excessive amount of new knowledge to memory. Knowing this, I began sipping my 500ml can of Mother while reading my text book and taking notes. After finishing one can, my eyes felt heavy and my mind began to drift, so I drank the second hoping I was simply overtired and that more caffeine would help overcome this. Unfortunately, all this achieved was an intense headache and an unprecedented hatred towards anything academic. The empty cans were quickly crushed and thrown across the room before I collapsed into bed. Day Three: V (caffeinated energy drink #2) After Tuesday’s failure, I was praying V would not let me down. I was too frightened to drink the 500ml can before the test in case I crashed halfway through, so I saved it for later that night. What followed was a night of speed reading and writing, in which I managed to complete my research and write a debate speech. By two in the morning, I had only drunk half the can yet my work was finished. V was definitely looking like a sure winner.

WRITER: TIFFANY LLOYD ARTWORK: LISA DAVIDSON

Day Four: NO-DOZ (caffeine tablets) I heard mixed reviews about caffeinated No-Doz tablets, so I was curious to see how I would cope. As I stared down at the box of No-Doz sitting next to my computer, stories of heart palpitations and sleep difficulties played on my mind. Feeling brave, I popped one of the pills regardless. It only took around ten minutes for the tablets to kick in before suddenly I started doing everything at warp speed. I brushed my teeth vigorously, changed my clothes in record time and then sat in bed tapping my laptop keys and twitching my head. Although my body was moving constantly and my eyes were wired open, I couldn’t think straight. After an hour of nothing but fast body motions, I accepted I was not getting any work done and tried to fall asleep, but I couldn’t. I tossed and turned and repeatedly dashed for the light switch after seeing imaginary spiders on my roof. Day Five was not going to be a good day. Day Five: RED BULL (caffeinated energy drink #3) Today was a work day, so I saved the 350ml can of Red Bull until just after lunch when my energy would be lacking. I managed to finish work with a cheery smile and a productive attitude. Afterwards, I needed to drive two-and-a-half hours to visit my family for the weekend. As predicted, Red Bull – my trusty, faithful, energy-giving goddess in liquid form – did not let me down. Day Six: COFFEE No uni or work on Day Six, but I did have to get up early to watch my sister play her tennis grand final. I drank coffee before leaving, and again when I arrived at the tennis. As the coffee warmed my body, I sat comfortably on a cold bench and pondered if I would still be able to enjoy my cuppa if there was the intense pressure of a looming deadline. Day Seven: MONSTER (caffeinated energy drink #4) I left home at 8.30 at night and arrived back in Adelaide at 10.30. I then drank the 500ml can of Monster and drafted this article, so you can be the judge when deciding if my final energy enhancer was a success. RESULTS: Maximum Concentration: V, Taste: Red Bull Editors’ Disclaimer: You probably shouldn’t try this at home.

Iron Sky Review

magine Adolf Hitler wasn’t killed in 1945, but escaped via a rocket ship with his Nazis to the dark side of the moon. Ridiculous, you say? Well there are some conspiracy theories on the web that support this. One supporter is Timo Vuorensola, a Finnish film director who’s decided to turn those theories into a sci-fi comedy film called Iron Sky. The year is 2018 and America has sent a couple of astronauts to the moon. After capturing one, Hitler and co. discover the astronaut’s iPhone is capable of powering their mega UFO warship ‘Götterdämmerung’. But one Apple device just isn’t enough to power their UFO. To invade Earth, the Nazis must send emissaries to retrieve more. Chaos ensues. Far-fetched storyline aside, it’s interesting to note that the online community funded more than ten per cent of Iron Sky’s budget. Many donors were fans of Vuorensola’s previous web-released Star Wreck films (1996-2005), and their goodwill is duly recognised in the credits. I interviewed Vuorensola and asked what advice he would give students who want to get into the film industry by using internet community support. “First I would ask – what’s your story? People need to understand something very simple. It doesn’t have to be complicated in the beginning. Then ask what you find special and then wrap all your ideas around that,“ Vuorensola said. “And be honest with the community, because if you’re not honest with the community they will smell it right from the beginning. Also don’t ask for money as the first thing you do; first you have to start building their trust. You have to be prepared to do that for one or two or three years before you can go out there and ask for financing.

WRITER: CATHERINE MOORE

“They need to realise that you’re a real person and that you’re actually doing something to make it happen.” So what did I think of his multi-million dollar film? I’m not the biggest fan of comedy movies, and tend to steer towards movies that give me something gritty to think about. But when I’m presented with a sci-fi political satire about Nazis on the moon, Sarah Palin as president and Finland being the only state to not have nuclear weapons on their battleship (director’s in-joke), Iron Sky satisfies my funny bone. Christopher Kirby plays a stellar role as James Washington, an African-American astronaut turned Aryan hobo who thankfully is believable. Julia Dietze plays an innocent, doe-eyed Renate Richter, who juxtaposes Götz Otto’s stoic and deranged character, Klaus Adler. Finally, I commend the cast of the Security Council; they were spot on with comedic timing and were my highlight. Certain character relationships are a little drawnout for humour’s sake, but it’s not irritating. In fact, if I was a bitch wanting to blow up your overcompensating battleship because you left me waiting for sex, I’d probably want a few scenes to make my point as well. The film has amazing CGI. It’s not gag-inducing or over the top, and I’m glad that Vuorensola kept the majority of the Nazi dialogue in German. (Subtitle warning for those who dislike them but…SHAME ON YOU!) Basically, this film is just plain fun. I recommend seeing it with your mates on a Friday night. To read the full interview with Timo Vuorensola, go to www.unilifemagazine.com.au. Iron Sky is in cinemas now.

The Human Toll

he Heysen Chapel at Centennial Park looks west over a hillside of memorials bathed in the gentle warmth of the latesummer sun. You can’t tell by looking at them, but some of those memorials hold a tragic truth – they belong to those who took their own lives. The chapel is perhaps the most fitting, if not poignant, location for last month’s public forum on suicide prevention. One man in the audience buried his son just three months ago, while many others have lost loved ones to suicide at some point in their lives. Around 80 people bereaved by suicide are here to speak for their loved ones in a conversation about whether the media should publish suicide tolls in an effort to raise public awareness. Jill Chapman knows only too well how some members of the audience feel. “I’ve spent most of the last 10 years since the death of my son Michael in 2001 supporting other people bereaved through suicide,” Ms Chapman said. As chair of Minimisation of Suicide Harm (MOSH), Ms Chapman has assembled some of South Australia’s expert minds on the topic of suicide prevention, including State Coroner Mark Johns, who deals with death for a living. Mr Johns said before taking up his position, he had no concept of the amount of people lost to suicide each year. He estimates that 10 per cent of the files he reviews in his role as Coroner are deaths by suicide.

“The reality of that hit me pretty hard,” he said. “You do the math… the number of people lost to suicide in (SA) each year is roughly double the number of those lost by vehicle related causes.” It was this revelation that prompted Mr Johns to publicly advocate for a suicide toll to be periodically published in the media. He and other advocates for a suicide toll believe the road toll shows that heightened public awareness can reduce deaths. But opponents cite research that suggests increased suicide reporting is linked to an increase in suicide deaths. The Commissioner for Victims’ Rights Michael O’Connell said: “This so-called contagion… is a consequence of how the media report on deaths by suicide, and is not simply a result of media reporting.” Mr O’Connell said there are lessons to be learnt from road safety campaigns, but argued “we should avoid the scoreboard approach that’s become commonplace in reporting on deaths on our roads.” Around six people take their lives and 190 people attempt or contemplate suicide in Australia every day. “Suicide is newsworthy and a legitimate subject for reporting,” Mr O’Connell said. “It’s time to lift the shroud of silence and facilitate sensible media reporting as part of a campaign to prevent suicide and minimize suicide harm.”

WRITER: CHRIS BRUNNER

At the forum, the man who lost his son three months prior questioned the “sensibility” of publishing a suicide toll. “My son battled depression for four years,” he said. “If he’d known there were so many people committing suicide he wouldn’t have fought that depression for so long.” It’s clear there’s no easy way forward in this much-needed conversation. The overriding fear for the bereaved is their loved ones will become a meaningless statistic, when the true story of their loss is written on their faces. If you need help dealing with the death of a loved one or would like to get involved in suicide prevention, contact Jill Chapman at MOSH: 0418 857 727 If you or someone you know may be at risk of suicide, contact Lifeline 13 11 14, beyondblue 1300 22 46 36 or Salvo Care Line 1300 36 36 22. Story courtesy of On The Record. For Chris’ full article, head to www. ontherecordunisa.com.au/?p=2130.

Image courtesy of www.sxc.hu

Cock-a-doodle-doo, it’s ROUSTAH! Rural Outlook for University Students Towards Allied Health (ROUSTAH) is UniSA’s rural health club. We’re one of 29 rural university health clubs in Australia, which together forms the National Rural Health Students Network (NRHSN). Our aim is to get students together who are interested in rural and remote health, allowing them to learn new skills and knowledge relevant to country practice, and to develop relationships with likeminded people. ROUSTAH events include rural high school visits, indigenous health festivals, support and scholarships for those undertaking rural placement, and social gatherings such as pub crawls.

We thrive upon enthusiasm for rural and remote practice, but you don’t have to be from the country to join! We welcome all students studying allied health, nursing, midwifery, psychology and social work to sign up. It’s free and can be done by following the ‘join now’ link on our website www.roustah.com. Get involved with ROUSTAH, you won’t regret it! Contact: Email ROUSTAH Administrators Jessica Lascelles or Sarah Spurr at studentservices@ruraldoc.com.au. Check out unione.unilife.edu.au/clubs for more info. By HAILEY KOCH

SA CHALLENGE 2012 The SA Challenge is fast approaching! Every year, UniSA participates in a sporting competition between all SA universities, including Adelaide and Flinders. The event will be held from July 7-13 at various campuses around Adelaide. There’s a diverse range of sports on offer, including futsal, badminton, volleyball and many more. Registration is only $10. If thrashing other unis and bringing glory to UniSA sounds like a good idea, why not get your friends together and arrange a team. More info can be found at UniLife’s e-Store: unione.unilife. edu.au/Store. Registration closes June 22.

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