Hookups from Hell

Oh Sheet!

During my first month of freshman year, I went back from the bar to BBB (scary) with a boy to hook up. Right after it ended, he asked me verbatim, “Will you help me change my sheets? My mom usually does it for me and I don’t know how.” AND I DID. I didn’t know how else to react to someone who is that incompetent…needless to say, I left right after and got the Candyman Uber alone back to the mount.

Whoop! There It Is!

I’d been hooking up with this guy for a little while, and he lost his phone and his wallet in my room. They fell between my shoe rack and the end of my bed, so we looked everywhere and pulled my bed away from the wall. The last time he came over, stuff kinda went flying (yktv)…and at one point he’d taken the condom off and we didn’t know where it went. When we were looking for his stuff days later, I pulled my bed away from the wall and the condom we used last time was sitting there on the ground. I was so embarrassed when I saw it but I didn’t know what to say. He was like, “let me look” and he saw it too. It was so embarrassing.

I’ll Just Tell My Friends He’s Funny?

I got with this kid for a couple weeks first semester. We were hooking up in my bed on a random night, completely sober. He thinks he’s really funny, so he pulls out from kissing me and farts on my bed (should’ve kicked him out right at this point). Then we were making out, and he pulls out again, goes to my ear, and screams in it because, once again, he thinks he’s hilarious. Then we are kissing and he sticks his tongue all the way back in my throat again to be funny. Before leaving, he tapped on his abs and said, “I don’t understand how someone as ripped as me can have body dysmorphia. It just doesn’t make sense.” So yep, I won’t forget this one!

Paint Me Like One of Your Frat Boys

Within seconds of setting foot into a frat, this boy came up to me and started conversation. After a while, he asked to take me upstairs to his room and I went. Saying this was the most vile out of a movie disgusting frat house room wouldn’t even begin to describe the horror of this room. To make matters worse, the theme was paint, and he was covered in flaking paint. However, that did not stop us, and we started making out on his bed anyways. He tries to ~use his hands~ and I stop him, as I am on my period. He goes, “I’m already splattered in paint, what’s a little more?” My first instinct is to GET OUT OF THERE, and as I make my escape, his door won’t budge. Apparently, the room was so broken down, the door doesn’t work. 5 boys had to come on the other side of the door and help us open it. After 45 minutes of sheer terror, I left, and never spoke to him again.

Can’t Hold His Whiskey

This guy approached me and we were having a good conversation, so I went with him to his dorm. He smelled aggressively like alcohol and kept saying that he had “whiskey dick.” Eventually, I started smelling something FOUL, then he burped, ran into the corner, and threw up all over his naked body…he told me I should leave, and I had to step over the vomit on my way out.