otwo: Volume XVI, Issue 12

The University Observer’s Arts & Culture Supplement

13.04.10 VOL XV1 ISSUE 12

2 HELLO

How to:

Go on a date, Irish style

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You just buy her a bag of chips, right? Wrong.

Here’s Agony Anto’s guide to treating your laydee

urst of awl, yeh have te meet yer one in a pub. Has to be a pub – reet. And not only a pub, like a shit-drinkers one, but rathder a fancy-type one. It has te have noice cushions and the wallpaper and art-shite on the walls of de place. So yor date tinks ye appreciate dat kind of bollix.

Ask lowids of questions te begin with coz ye don’t want yer date te tink that yer a fuckin spastic with too much time on his hands. Number Wan Rule: Ask, Ask, and Ask again – but be careful not te sound like yer fookin’ interogattin’ whore.

I haff te also point ou’ dat dis part of the date will be horrible and ugly. You’ll probably lack confidence in yurself and end up soundin’ like a complete gobshite.

Don’t wuddy dough – it’ll get bettar as time passes through de evening.

After de both of yis have yisser tree of four gargles lashed down yisser troat, de constant inspection of yer date becomes quite obvious…how and ever, they’ll actually start to believe dat you’re de only wan who ‘understands’ dem when, realistically, all you’ve done is, well, bawt dem a few drinkie-winks, said “Really!

Wow!” at de reet times.

Soon enuf dough, last orders’re up and yi’l haf to move onto a club. A helpful matimatics buddie of mine put dis into equation fer me:

Dhrink sum more in the nightclub and wait for yer date to ask you to go dancin’, refuse once, then agenn – and if the request is still der, on the turd request accept then give it large on the floor. It is essential dat u make a complete tit of yurself on de floor and be funny and aware of how cheesy your dancing is and don’t be too leery at dis point.

Go get food wit yur date, don’t bang on too much about your culinary skills and make sure to ask for extra ketchups to give to yer date who will have invariably forgotten. Stress dat u wouldn’t normally eat in this fastfood joint and you know a great restaurant (hintin at anudder date).

The awkward walk/taxi home… only make the offer for yur date te go te yur place if u are extremely horny and there has been a lot of touchy-feely going on... otherwise wait for the offer from your date, pay for the taxi and tell de cabbie he can keep the change as it suggests u r de generous type. Proceed into the house and drink a little more, your date (if female) will probably not make the direct offer to go to the bedroom and at this stage you’ll probably be bored of her… so stretch your arms, yawn a bit and say you’re knackered and ask if there’s an available bed anywhere. This is the key moment of the date where you’ll find out if the sex will be offered.

X (drinks consumed) + Y (questions asked) = Yes to nightclub

Remember, you kin stop a Johnnie bein’ born if u just wear wan.

(x=5 and y=65)

otwo

13.04.10

Letter

from the Ed Well, I’m sad to say that I’m out of here like a Google from a China.

This is the last issue of this small supplement for the rest of the year, so I hope you enjoy!

As I write this, there are currently four guys in my office recording a sports podcast and playing a unique game of bingo which I find intriguing. The premise of the game is similar to that of regular granny bingo – except, without numbers, you use sport clichés. I’m not currently aware of who’s winning or losing, or even what the prize is. I’m just keeping my ears open for “At the end of the day…”, “The Barcelonas/ Manchesters/Real Madrids of this world…” and “Par for the course…” among others – an altogether very interesting game.

Anyway, I’d just like to thank God, Jesus and the almighty man for helping get through editing this paper. No-one else counts really – no real people anyway. Oh, wait… well, there’re all you contributors, my sub-editors Conor, Sean and Grace (including Jake and Eoin) and of course, Kristin, Gav and Catriona. They know who they are and they know they deserve my thanks, so: thanks!

‘Til next time, Colin

WHINGE 3

SOAPBOX Taxi-drivers: A species in themselves.

Sally Hayden speaks Picture the scene. Exactly eighteen months ago there I was: a bright-eyed UCD fresher, new to the world of clubbing (at least on weeknights) and drinking (well, legally). But the principal hurdle that required triumphing over in this comingof-age fairytale was not one of substances or debauchery, but was in fact the solo taxi journey.

Long had I been accustomed to the stories of the raping, pillaging and looting taxi men, elevated to piratey bus-lane roaming figures in my imagination. Lucky for me, the mothers’ warnings have thus far proven unfounded. What I have learnt about taking taxis since that fateful day, however, are a few home truths that none can deny.

Many taxi drivers are inherently racist.

May I refer to the lovely gentlemen who, upon me getting in his car remarked that it was lucky that I hadn’t chosen the vehicle of one of those “blackxies” instead, because Lord knows then where I’d have ended up.

The constant suggestion that Camden Street will always be the fastest route home starts to feel a little insincere when you realise that that same direction is being suggested in every cab across the capital come 2am. Somehow you are never quite as astonished as the driver appears to be, when you become yet again another link in a traffic jam that even Moses couldn’t part.

Countless drivers are intrinsically and insatiably unsatisfied. Case in point: the taxi driver who spent the entire duration of a 40 minute journey telling me in minute detail about the lessons he was undertaking to leave his current job and become a driving instructor.

Taxi drivers keep striking. If they hate their job, why not leave? I refer again to my worthy comrade of the paragraph above. One can’t help but believe that, since their main quandary is that there are far too many of them, they’re really hoping that their brothers in solidarity will give up and quit first. Also: is blocking my chosen method of public transport really going to entice me to pay higher prices to reach my chosen destination? Definitely not.

Complaints aside, there is also something cleansing about the conversation with the driver at the end of an epic night, a time when you’re happy to bare your innermost soul in exchange for some sagacious guidance. Maybe that fare is worth it after all.

This fortnight’s movers and losers as chosen by otwo’s resident hot stuff Michelle McCormick

HOT

The Room Why bother paying a tenner to see a decent film when you can sit in the comfort of your living room and snark at a really, really terrible one?

“American” director and actor Tommy Wiseau is the perpetrator of The Room, a crime against acting and cinematography.

Observia Dum dum di da dum dum di dum dum...

Observia! That’s how the national anthem of Observia – a new independent state deep in the heart of Student Centre territory – goes.

We’ve finally declared independence from the tyrannical Students’ Union, hurrah! But we’re still a welfare state.

Tenors It’s a restaurant where all the main courses cost a tenner! See what they did there? With the punning? Yes. Not only is it a lovely, spacious restaurant in nearby Donnybrook, but the food is delicious and only a tenner. Go, eat, come home without that horrible I-shouldn’t-beeating-out guilt.

RIP Bebo Yes, it’s where we all cut our social networking teeth; but have you looked at it lately? It’s a graveyard littered with embarrassing old photos, flashing backgrounds, ‘luv’; and home to the illiterate.

Burn it. Burn it to the ground. And let’s work on keeping Facebook free of such terror.

Non-nominations The Observer’s fantastical Fantasy Girls have not been nominated for a Student Media Award in the blogging category.

Infamy! Blasphemy! Fix! No fairsies! Clearly our ditzy, girlish, sometimes drunken ramblings about things we don’t know much about are more deserving of Smedia glory than well informed serious stuff.

Ads on YouTube The most annoying thing on the internet since RickRolling, YouTube channels are now showing nonskippable ads in front of certain videos. Why, YouTube, why? The reason we look things up there is so we can skip the boring bits and get straight to the good stuff – not look at ads for products that aren’t even available here.

Issue 12 And now, the end is near, and so we face the final curtain...

Volume 16 is coming to a close. No longer will this writer be able to dispense the wisdom of what is hot and what is not to eager ears, shaping the coolness of a future generation.

And no longer will this writer receive snarky texts from the editors when articles are late.

NOT

SalsaSnack.com The disclaimer says “do NOT watch this video if you are under 18”. We’d amend that to do not watch this video if you have eyes.

Especially if you have eyes and you’ve just had lunch. It’s the new Two Girls One Cup, and we at otwo are simply baffled as to why people continue to make this shit. Pun very much intended. otwo

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4

WHINGE

say what ???

QUESTION: What’s the nicest thing you’ve ever done for a random stranger? asks Stephanie Wallace Chavanne

“

“I kissed an ugly person before” Conor, 2nd Medicinal Chemistry

Carol, 2nd Science

I bought lunch for a homeless person one time!

“I noticed a woman stealing Oisin, 2nd Vet from a make-up “I helped this girl one night counter, so I told the sales assistant in Paris. She didn’t speak French and these men were and your one got trying to fight with her, caught”

”

Anne from Paris, Erasmus

shouting and that”

Twats of the Fortnight Want to know what celebrities are twittering on about these days? Michelle McCormick rounds up this fortnight’s biggest twats for your perusal... @lindsaylohan going to a meeting for a film i’m producing and possibly starring/costarring in* talk to everyone later :) xoxo This tweet was on March 30th. So here’s hoping that Lilo is in some alternate dimension where she’s two days ahead of everyone else on the planet and this is an April Fools. God knows we don’t need another film with her in it. Go, be free Lohan – Mean Girls is enough of a contribution to the world. @daraobriain Ugh. Some one has just sent me slashfic porn of me and @MrEdByrne. my eyes! my eyes! Why did they have to look?

There are those who think Ed Byrne and Dara O’Briain are sexy, funny men – but mother of divine jaysus, what sick mind would come up with such a pairing? My brain is diseased just thinking about it. @MrEdByrne I hate you all. You’re all dicks.

Obviously Ed has read the slashfic porn too. @ladygaga What mayhem in Melbourne tonight. Some kids just understand what it means live your eyeliner, breathe your lipstick,

and kill for eachother.

Perhaps that jail stint in the Telephone video isn’t too far from reality. However, breathing ones lipstick would result in some fairly serious choking episodes methinks. Safety first, Gaga.

Safety first. @sesamestreet Cookie Monster: Uh-oh.

Sugar rush kicking in. ME GOING GRAZY! ME GOING CRAZY! ME GOING CRAZY! Now that Sesame Street is no longer gracing our terrestrial TV screens, it’s good to get a daily dose of muppetry from Twitter instead.

Hate to say it Cookie Monster, but we could have told you about the sugar rush. @boscosbox God I never told you, I really like Jedward, do you think I could do my hair like theirs?

Two Irish legends unite. Bosco... and Jedward.

Leaving aside the horrific image of lovely little Bosco with Jedward hair, it’s awesome that everyone’s favourite box-dweller is now on Twitter. Get your daily dose of “Hello boys and girls” here. otwo

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ATTEMPTS 5

otwo attempts: Starting a country You might not have known it, but there’s a small independent republic in the middle of the Student Centre – at least, there has been since last Wednesday. Deputy President Gavan Reilly explains

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t might seem strange but in 1933 a conference of American states, held in Uruguay, resulted in the Montevideo Convention, which broadly outlines the criteria you need to meet if you want to become an independent nation. Chief amongst these is something known as the ‘declarative theory of statehood’ – the idea that “the political existence of the state is independent of recognition by the other states.” So, basically, you don’t need to be accepted by your international neighbours to still be a country (o hai, Israel).

This basically means that there’s almost nothing stopping anyone with a clearly-defined piece of land to announce to the world that they’re defecting from their country and starting up a new one. And hey – we’ve got an office, right?

The convention lists a few significant requirements a country should fulfil. Along with a defined territory you need a permanent population, a government, and the capacity to enter into relations with other countries. otwo thought long and hard about these: The University Observer has a permanent (-ish) population – we work long enough hours in this place, and at production weekends we don’t leave; we do have a government of sorts, because there’s an editorial chain of command and ultimately the Editor has the final say in what the Observer or otwo does; and as for capacity to enter into relations… well if the Editor, on behalf of the Observer, can fill out a legal form and send that form to any state body, isn’t that a relationship with the state?

So – on Tuesday 6th April, a date that will forever live in international history – we typed up a list of our section editors and replaced their titles with legalsounding ones (‘Editor’ becomes ‘President’, ‘otwo Editor’ becomes ‘Minister for Arts & Culture’ and so on). We taped this to the office door alongside a hastily drafted declaration of independence, informing the world of the Republic of Observia that existed behind it. And lo, Observia was born. We had our government, our territory, our population and our capacity… didn’t we?

It was the last bit that was a grey area, so we decided that it’d be only

fair – given the rich Observian culture of international harmony and diplomacy (!) – to let the powers

of the world know of our presence.

We set up a website (observia.org – we tried to get a .ob address but to no avail) and sent an email from it to the President of Ireland, the Taoiseach and the Minister for Defence. We copied in, for the sake of posterity, the Secretary-General and Security Council of the

United Nations. Oh, and we emailed the manager of the Student Centre too – only fair, considering he was now responsible for the electricity supply of an entire country.

While we awaited the response of the international community to our presence, we convened the cabinet and enacted the first constitution of Observia – adopting the standard international approach of proscribing as little as possible, so as not to compromise our ability to legislate for whatever matters we needed. I mean, there’s no point giving a constitutional guarantee of neutrality if there’s a risk that the Students’ Union could declare war, is there?

We also took the chance to make some decisions about Observian culture and pastimes. The national colours (rigidly enforced by the President, based on her Fantasy Premier League team’s strip) are pink and orange; the national animal – in honour of our anonymous sports writer – is the Badger; the national anthem is a mutated form of Rihanna’s ‘Disturbia’; the mass oversupply of daffodils last week earned it the status of national flower. For a currency, we looked to the news section… Have you ever noticed that the headlines of Observer news stories sometimes have a mysterious ☐ in them?

Our printing presses in Britain apparently can’t handle the € symbol in headlines – so, being of Observian culture, we declare the Box the official currency (naturally, it’s pegged to the Euro – one Observian Box is worth one euro. We should have made it more).

But still, something felt like a sham. We had a constitution and government but we didn’t really feel like we were getting anywhere.

The UN, the Taoiseach and the President had all failed to respond; the manager of the Student Centre crossed the border the next day and never even mentioned it. But then, magically, an email appeared in the Observian inbox.

“I would like to acknowledge your email and inform you that I have forwarded it to Minister Killeens office for attention,” it read curtly, signed by a rep from the Press & Information Office at the Department of Defence. The Irish Government had been in touch – and, crucially, they hadn’t shot us down.

We scarpered back to the Montevideo Convention – and found Article 7: “The recognition of a state may be express or tacit. The latter results from any act which implies the intention of recognizing the new state.” The Department had corresponded with the Observian government, and hadn’t immediately rejected our claim to independence – thereby tacitly acknowledging the Republic of Observia, the world’s youngest republic.

We emailed the manager of the Student Centre too – only fair, considering he was now responsible for the of an entire country

electricity supply otwo

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The Observian website is observia.org. If you’d like to be President of Observia, see page 14 of the main section.

6 MUSIC

Mixtape

A Mixtape An alternative mix Stephanie Wallace Chavanne’s playlist for when you’re happy.

Or for when you’re bored. Or for when you’re both…

WHY? - ‘The Hollows’ Piano, chipped guitar and a dreary voice - why? This sounds like a fusion of Eminemstyle throwouts with Interpol lyrics and psych-folk. It may be a heavy song, but the beat and the backing vocals make it worth a listen.

Kimya Dawson - ‘I Like Giants’ She might be better known for the Juno soundtrack or her ‘radio ballads that don’t get played on the radio’, but Dawson’s ‘I Like Giants’ is an indie lullaby you might expect from the Little Miss Sunshine soundtrack.

Get Well Soon - ‘We Are Ghosts’ Taken from second album Vexations, this rise-and-fall guitar piece is the kind of thing played at the end of a party. Easy to sing along to, it will appeal to anyone – especially for its chanting lyrics.

Cocoon - ‘On My Way’ French outfit Cocoon are ‘rock indié’ – a mixture of country, folk and (meaningful) pop lyrics. Appropriate for any beach party this summer, ‘On My Way’ sounds like Jack-Johnson-meets-Mundy, but with more depth.

iPod on the way to the RDS. Wallis Bird - ‘Counting to Sleep’ The gut-passion in Wallis’ voice and stunning guitar playing makes this song one of the most moving on this Mixtape. Definitely a summer drive song – easy to chant to (or hum for the shyer fans).

Fiona Apple - ‘Not About Love’ Rapid and flighty, this takes on elements of Amanda Palmer and Tom Waits to make a painful pleading song. Want to drown out pesky loudmouths on the bus to college? This is your thing. Perfect for road-trips.

Bon Iver - ‘The Wolves (Act I and II)’ A painful song about loss and getting over it, Bon Iver’s The Wolves is the summer breakup song, sniffles and all. A charged and collective piece, saturated in empathic meaning.

Looper - ‘Burning Flies’ This husband-and-wife combo create easygoing chillout tunes, combining electropop with heavy bass riffs, gentle singing, and a turntable. Keep it on your

Doves - ‘Black and White Town’ The kind of song you might expect to hear in the background to some epic sporting scene in The Sunday Game. Guaranteed to get your head thumping with determination.

otwo

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COLUMNS DRAMA 7

It’s Jamie’s world... we just live in it Master Artiste Jamie Martin gives an insight into the world of lewd nude

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or the past few weeks I have been trying to connect with my inner artist.

I have always had a keen interest in art, but unfortunately I was not blessed with any technical skills or talent. This in itself is a crying shame, made worse by the fact that my family are all quite good, and my skills have already been surpassed by those of my sister (13).

I was determined to do something.

A trip to Aldi later (ten canvases were bought, thanks Ma) and I was ready to start my new career. I stole my brother’s acrylics and decided that painting would be my art form. I ended up with three paintings that I am actually quite proud of, but it was what I did with the stinkers that prove one thing: I may not be talented at art, but I am truly an artist when it comes to finding ways of keeping myself amused for long periods of time.

Staring at seven or eight shit paintings, I wondered what could be done with them. My family were heartbreakingly honest about them. They couldn’t be hung up and they took up room. What to do? I had my idea while looking at the worst of the bunch (an attempt at an African war shield that just ended up looking like a vagina.

Fuck you, Freud) and decided that it would be hilarious to force my art upon unsuspecting victims.

My older sister – a follower of aesthetics and design – has a lovely and recently remodelled house. I wrote on the back of the African gee, “Dear Louise, as you know, for the past few weeks I have been trying to paint. This is the result of my efforts. I am very proud of this painting and although it pains me to part with it, the first thing I thought of when it was finished

AGONY ANTO Now that term is out I can finally get back to drugdealing… anyone for a score?

Dear Mr Anthony, I have been troubled as of late with lower back pain and heartache, and my darling Porsche has told me that you are the man to talk to. My husband recently left me and took the love of my life - Pablo the pool boy with him. If this wasn’t bad enough, he also took all of the pool water and so my usual morning swim has left me with no amount of back pain. Is there anything that you can recommend?

Victoria

was how nice it would look in your kitchen. The colour scheme matches it perfectly and I think it would look lovely above that red couch you got in Ikea! Your brother, Jamie.” You know when you open a terrible Christmas present in front of someone and have to put on that cheesy smile and pretend to like it? Imagine having to do that for a year. The plan is, after a year or two, I will tell her that the painting that she had to hang on her wall to avoid hurting my feelings was actually a cruel joke.

There were also my other paintings to get rid of. I left one on the Dart, posted one (a completely blue painting of the Virgin Mary) to the Pope (yes, that’s right, the Pope) and I posted a purple tree to Mary McAleese.

I also sent a charming Spanish village scene that looked like it was done by an infant to Gerry Ryan with “Jamie Martin - 21 years old” written on the back. Seamus Heaney received a black and white chicken, and Bertie Ahern got some colourful balls: all addresses found through the joy that is Google. I think that I gave “Art Attacks” a whole new meaning.

Sorry, had to end the year on a pun. Keep the faith!

Yo’ Vic, How’s your Porsche ride? Is it won a’ dem Camera’s ‘r is it a GT? You lookin’ ta sell it? Me uncle John Joe ‘ll buy it off ya’.

I can get me mam ta’ have a look at yer back fer ya. She’s won a’ dem ones da rubs peoples muscles ta’ make ‘em bett’r. All the lads she sees come out smilin’ and singin’ her praises. An’ sure I can sort ya ou’ wid tha’ other pain yer’ feelin’. Me sister’s fella ‘s a docter, I’ll ask ‘im ta take a lok at ye’.

Story, Anto ~ Hey Anto, I’m screwed and I need your help.

I boned this girl about a month ago in my car round the back of my local otwo

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chipper but now she’s sayin’ she’s knocked up. I don’t know if it’s mine or not but she’s saying that I’m the only one it can be. She says the other 12 fellas that night did her standing up and she swears that was the only night she missed her pill. What the hell am I supposed to do?

James Alri’ James, Ya muppet! Why do ya think dey give ya ‘dem little white bags wi’h de chips? Tha’s a free Johnny, ya tick!

Don’ worry tho, it could happen a priest. Look at Fr Sykes, O’Brien, Murray… sure half the bleedin’ parish is priests’ kids.

If yer ever short a Johnny tho, jus’ pour a couple a’ letres of coke down after yer done. It’ll sort ya ou’ an’ its cheeper than johnnys, sure I don’ have ta worry about getting’ Jacinta pregnant anymore an’ she’s got a job in Macky D’s as a drinks dispenser.

Don’ be too quick ta dump da kid.

I’m makin’ a killin’ between social and makin’ me little ones work. But if ya really want der’s always da boat. Or else save a few bob an’ shove da’ bitch in fron’ of a bus.

Yer mate, Anto http://twitter.com/AgonyAnto

8

MUSIC

UCD Philharmonic Choir

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Ever wonder what those weirdos do down in Theatre M every Wednesday?

Christina Pallasi investigates…

hinking originally that this would be a bore-fest, my mind quickly changed.

After producing three years worth of concerts, UCD’s Philharmonic Choir have to be doing something, right… right? So, it was decided that it would be worth checking out before seeing their offerings in April.

The time of year has come again for UCD’s Philharmonic Choir to showcase the singing talent around the campus. Inaugurated in 2007, the choir is the latest addition to UCD’s performing groups.

It is inclusive of staff and students alike, who share a common interest in performing a diverse range of choral music from all genres. According to the Choir’s director, Tom Kehoe, it “seeks to achieve the highest standards of choral technique and ensemble by exploring the choral repertoire in an intensive and enjoyable environment. Members of the choir receive training in sight-singing, notation, and vocal technique, and additionally get the opportunity to improve their general musicianship skills through weekly rehearsals.”

Well, after all that, let’s hope that they’re onto something. In November of last year the Choir played to an enthusiastic audience in St John the Baptist Church in Blackrock, and ordinarily play a variety of programmes in a variety of different sacred locations. This year, however, the Philharmonic are set to play in Ballsbridge

M

UZU is the internet’s answer to MTV. A free site for music videos, MUZU streams about 15 million videos to the UK every month. But, unusually for such a major site, MUZU is run by a Dublin-based company – begging the question, why isn’t it popular here in Ireland?

When MUZU’s MD Graeme Slattery and Advertising Director Keith Curley came to speak at UCD, students had heard whisperings of the site but very few people used it regularly. YouTube has dominated the market for the past decade but I think it’s time to make the Big Switch, with unlimited savings on wasted time and sub standard quality.

Here’s why: MUZU’s website is easy to use, and won the Ultimate Digital Provider prize in the 2010 Digital Media Awards. It offers playlist options that rival YouTube’s. The difference between them is that all the videos on MUZU are premium quality, and not user-generated. With the launch of the new Jukebox feature, users have little or no work to do – genre lists appear at the click of a button, great for all your

and, to be more specific about that location, St Bartholomew’s Church (y’know… the one on Clyde Road, near that examsy place).

Conductor Tom Kehoe once again leads the choir onto the stage with well-rehearsed and selected pieces from the Czech Romantic and German Classical canons: Antonín Dvořák’s Mass in D, and the one and only W.A. Mozart’s ‘Solemn Vespers’.

“Alright, alright, enough of the selling already…” you’re thinking. I get it. We all know that classical music sounds incredibly boring, but one thing

you’ve got to understand, this was considered some of the most uplifting music of its time, so if you’re looking for an altogether different experience…

Oh, I’m trying to sell it again. Did I mention it’s also in aid of charity? It’s all for the UCD SUAS Society, the guys who made those delicious cookie and scones last week. Maybe they’ll be back to sell more of their baked produce. Who knows… only you can find out.

The UCD Philharmonic Choir play St Bartholomew’s Chruch, Clyde Road, Ballsbridge on Thursday 29th April at 8pm. Tickets €15.

MUZU: Videos for the next Generation party needs.

What makes MUZU different is the ability to create your own channel and upload all of your favourite songs. The site run frequent competitions with prizes like signed CDs and concert tickets. Not content with conquering the net, MUZU has just launched a partnering venture with Samsung allowing you to stream MUZU videos

otwo

to your TV, allowing you use the website from the comfort of your sofa.

MUZU’s next endeavour is a ‘video clix’ programme, where you can simply click on anything you see in a video to buy it. See a dress you like on an artist? Simply click on the dress, and it will direct you to where to buy it. On the computer, TV, mobile phone – and soon in computer gaming – MUZU is

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becoming an unstoppable force.

The internet has been phenomenal in bringing music from the producer to the customer. But due to the lack of proper monitoring. illegal downloading was rampant. While the big labels looked on this as a threat, MUZU saw the opportunity in the ‘new music economy’ and created a free, legal music site for fans while generating revenue for the artists.

MUZU uses an ad-funded model (similar to Google’s) to make a profit for the artists and record labels alike. All income generated for the advertising is split 50/50 with the record labels. Not only is MUZU great for fans, it’s also a ‘unique opportunity for advertisers’, according to founder Mark French. The win-win situation for record labels offers a platform to market new artists and earn royalties at the same time.

There’s no reason why MUZU shouldn’t be as well known here, people just haven’t yet discovered the future of online music. Check out www.MUZU. tv and don’t turn back.

Anna Treanor

MUSIC 9

Busy Boston Berklee Bees Alison Lee chats to ex-pat done good, Damien Bracken, about the Berklee College of Music in Boston and its Dublin programme

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emember the first time you read the Harry Potter books? I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who secretly hoped an acceptance letter would come (by owl of course) and I’d be whisked off to a magical, fantastical school of witchcraft and wizardry like Hogwarts. Any budding musician who’s heard of Berklee College in Boston probably feels the same about this institution. Except here it’s music, not magic that’s on the agenda.

That said, some of the facts about the college have a slightly supernatural quality to them, as Dean of Admissions Damien Bracken reveals to otwo. “Berklee is the largest college of music in the world – there are over 4,000 students attending from all around the US and more than 76 countries are represented.

We have a long list of alumni that are well-known in the industry, from Quincy Jones to Steve Vai.” A quick trawl through the Berklee website reveals a few more statistics that would make any self-respecting music nerd weak at the knees: 176 Grammy awards have been won by Berklee alumni; 80 per cent of its graduates work in the music industry – and, oh yes, they’re rather generous

too. “Berklee awards over 26 million dollars in scholarships every year,” Bracken states, an impressive figure by any standards in this era of education and arts budget cuts.

But back up a second: What is it exactly that Berklee College does?

“It’s really known as a college of jazz and contemporary music study,” Bracken explains. Traditionally, rock and jazz are perhaps considered to be quite organic, unstructured music genres; Bracken readily acknowledges that “students are buying laptops and using Garage Band to create beats and writing music very successfully on an intuitive level.”

But Bracken still feels there’s definitely a place for a more formal approach to contemporary music education. “The music industry is a challenging industry to go into so we take a broad-based approach,” he explains. “We have majors in music production and engineering, film scoring and songwriting, music business...” on offer.

Not only that, Berklee seems to be the perfect environment for creativity to blossom. “We have students coming from all parts of Asia, from Africa, from all over Europe and the United States. It’s an incredibly diverse community; people are otwo

bringing their influences, their musical heritages, their cultures with them and engaging with all of the other students: cool things happen when you put people together in that kind of environment.”

So what does Bracken think about the many university-level music courses that focus entirely on classical music to the exclusion of almost all other genres? “Being a classical music student is perfectly legitimate,” he says. “It’s not what Berklee does but neither is better than the other. There are so many different ways that you can access music – the study of classical music is certainly one approach.”

A diplomatic answer, but there are many prospective rock or jazz musicians out there that would be glad of the opportunity to pursue study of their genres of choice to third-level without having to focus for years on a musical style that they don’t really see themselves pursuing in the long-term.

Bracken himself studied classical music (“I studied at the Royal Irish Academy; my degree is from Trinity College”), which brings us to our next topic: Berklee’s Irish connection. Bracken is Irish, (as the name suggests, although his strong 13.04.10

Boston accent certainly wouldn’t give him away as a Dubliner). This April, representatives from Berklee College stopped by our capital city to hold improvisation workshops and simultaneously scope out local talent. This is also thanks to the man who brought us the worldrenowned Irish musical institution, Riverdance.

“Bill Whelan, who’s on our board of trustees, approached us a few years ago about bringing a programme of improvisation to Dublin. Ireland is full of musical talent. I know this from a personal perspective as well as an objective perspective. I would just be thrilled if we could grow the population at Berklee in terms of Irish students”.

Last year was Berklee’s first sojourn to Dublin, and a lucky few were indeed singled out to study at Berklee. “There were five students that we brought over for our summer programmes. There was another student that ended up getting a presidential scholarship, Matt Halpin, a jazz saxophonist.”

And what traits do these lucky individuals have to display to be considered for such an opportunity?

“It’s a combination of two things: there’s a level of achievement and a level of craft that we’re looking for obviously. We look for students who are very focussed on what they want to do, who are very serious about pursuing music as a career and are willing to put in the time and energy to succeed at Berklee.”

Although the college certainly seems to be demanding in terms of commitment and focus, it gives valuable return on this investment.

“We really believe that being a musician out in the world today requires that you’re a well rounded person. The skills that the study of music gives you makes you a very employable person: the skills of discipline and focus and adaptability and improvisation.” Further, Berklee is located “in the heart of Boston city proper; a very culturally rich environment at Berklee and in the surrounding city.”

Not quite Hogwarts perhaps, but a mystical environment nonetheless! http://www.berklee.edu /summer/dublin.html

Electric Picnic 2010 The 2010 Line-Up

Roxy Music Leftfield Massive Attack LCD Soundsystem The Frames Public Image Ltd The National Imelda May Mumford & Sons Seasick Steve Modest Mouse Hot Chip

Gil Scott-Heron Fever Ray Jonsi (Sigur Ros) Fat Freddy’s Drop Bad Lieutenant Crystal Castles Afro Celt Soundsystem Booka Shade Bloody Beetroots Death Crew77 Steve Earle The Waterboys

Beach House The Big Pink 808 State Low Anthem Redneck Manifesto The Horrors Monotonix Liquid Liquid Here We Go Magic Field Music Steve Mason Cymande

The Alarm Messiah J & The Expert Dublin Gospel Choir Caribou Adrian Crowley Villagers New Pornographers Edan Breakestra & Chali 2 Na Mr Scruff Memory Tapes

Ticket Information

Weekend Tickets are €240 / Family Camping Ticket €240 per adult. Each adult can bring up to 2 kids under 12.. There are no single day tickets.

A Little Taste of Who’s Playing MONOTONIX Monotonix are known as a rock band where at one time 80 per cent of their gigs were stopped by the police (albeit when in Israel) – no understatement then. Videos of their gigs show three longhaired, bearded, semi-naked men, completely surrounded by an enraptured crowd, creating very, very loud frenzied music.

Their Electric Picnic showcase will no doubt be a strange experience because there is no need for a stage when Monotonix perform: “We swim between the audience, and it makes it easier if you don’t wear a lot of clothes!” They truly want the gig taking place beside, above, below and generally all around them.

Monotonix’s performances break down any barriers that conventionally exist between crowd and performer. “We decided, ‘Let’s try to perform on the floor, and among the audience and see what will happen’, and then we put on a first show like this. And I mean it was wild and very fast, and the energy was great; so it’s the best way for us to perform.”

Regardless of what language Shalev may choose to sing in, it seems unlikely that the enamoured crowds will disperse anytime soon.

DUBLIN GOSPEL CHOIR “We do the Sunday morning slot around 12 o’clock, and kind of wake everyone up and introduce them to their hangovers with lots of loud, raucous noise”- so says Orla of the Dublin Gospel Choir, of the Choir’s annual performance at Electric Picnic. Gospel music is clearly no longer just the preserve of American churches - it has spread its wings and been embraced by a whole variety of people.

“It’s equally at home everywhere, and I think the audience is very diverse, but you know I think one thing we hear back from audiences is a lot is that you feel great after it…So it kind of cheers people up.

“We’re a group of people from I’d say

all different walks of life - we just have a shared love of music and gospel music in particular”. The choir was set up in Dublin’s inner city 13 years ago- it now comprises almost fifty members, who, except for Orla herself, perform on a voluntary basis, “but they still manage to keep a life outside of choir!”.

The choir have collaborated with Riverdance, John Legend, Damien Rice and Paddy Casey, and are planning to release their latest album in the UK and Scandinavia. Orla finds being part of the choir is “really rewarding” and maintains that it is because the singers love the choir so much that they devote so much time to it.

Ciara Fitzpatrick

What to Expect – and What to Bring Jake O’Brien’s guide to surviving three days in midlands muck

What’s next for you?

Law: LL.M Comparative Media Law? MA Dispute Resolution?

Law Society Entrance Examination?

King’s Inns Entrance Examination?

New York Bar Review?

F

irst of all, it must be stated for the record that The Picnic is far away and a much better festival than Oxegen. Imagine – civilised, humane and caring individuals, looking out for each other as if help were actually free!? Oh, to be an idealist.

Begrudgingly, there are dos and do nots. While being polite should come naturally, feeding oneself may not. Be that as it may, there are many overpriced food stalls to while away your hard earned bills. If cash is tight – and so it should be after forking out €246 for a spot on some dirt and a band on your arm – buy a Trangia. Priced between €50 and €100, these bad boys can cook almost anything.

Composed of a pan, pot and stand with meth holder included, you can live as cheap as you do at home – only now you’re in actual muck!

If you must eat from the vendors, get a burrito. Just get one.

In terms of the camping itself, you’ll need all the bare essentials: beer, spirits, papers, tobacco, etc. In addition, a roll mat and sleeping bag are handy filler. A tent also helps. On a more serious note, you will need socks – lots of them. If you don’t have a good pair of hiking boots either, buy a set, or invest in some wellies.

Given that it is the business end of September, never underestimate the weather it is Ireland after all. A couple of hoodies, t-shirts and shorts/trousers that are not jeans should suffice. Make sure your day-to-day leg cover has zip or button close pockets. Losing a wallet, phone, iPod or other relevant shit is the biggest bummer, especially on a come-down.

Meanwhile: what to expect? Expect to be fucking thirsty! Water is your friend.

It sounds lame and parental, but drink the shit. It will flush the many pollutants that you will no doubt ingest out of your decrepit system. On another, and equally serious note, watch out for the amphetamines. If you do drop, try not to drink too much booze: stick to the water. I’m not going to tell you about what to expect from the music because that would be presumptuous and quite frankly ridiculous. The main advantage of this festival is that things are quite close together and no one is in a huge rush. Take it handy and enjoy yourself. Just remember to help anyone who needs it.

Journalism: MA Journalism?

MA Radio & TV Journalism?

Diploma Journalism?

Psychotherapy: H Dip Psychotherapy Studies?

MA Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy?

Accountancy: MA Accountancy?

ACCA (Full / Part Time)?

CPA?

Business: Event Management?

Project Management?

Public Relations?

Apply online at www.independentcolleges.ie or call (01) 672 5058 60-63 Dawson Street, Dublin 2.

12 FASHION

Avoiding garish patterns and smatterings of prints, Kieran Murphy takes a thoughtful approach to minimalist looks with stylish choices in mind

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rints have been the trend for the past number of years. Welcomed

by Celtic Tiger babies, Irish people have lapped up handbags, dresses, and almost everything else covered in garish patterns. The Irish – for some reason – are unique in thinking that for something to be stylish and expensive it must be adorned in glitter and over-the-top designs, a myth propelled by designer brands such as Juicy Couture and Louis Vuitton.

Wearing printed garments is the sure-fire way to define yourself as quirky and original in your style. We must ask ourselves, though: does wearing such garments constitute as stylish or unique? First we must define ‘stylish’ and ‘fashionable’. Fashionable is picking up any glossy magazine and buying what it

defines as ‘chic’, but being stylish is something quite different – it’s being confident enough to pull off any garment, and truly unique with everything you wear. Coco Chanel said that “in order to be irreplaceable one must always be different” – but how can we achieve this uniqueness if we all have the same logoed t-shirt or the same patterned dress? When you throw on a flower-patterned dress, you become instantly ‘fashionable’ but lose your personal style. You let a store dictate what your clothes say about you, making you fit into their mold of their ideal customer, leaving very little room to customise or for self-expression.

There is an alternative that has been making waves throughout the fashion world, though, brought to Ireland by such stores as American otwo

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Apparel and Urban Outfitters: dressing simply, relying on accessories and once-off signature pieces to express a personal style.

This sense of style treats clothes as a blank canvas. Wearing simple t-shirts, simple jeans, simple skirts without logos, prints or any sign of authorship allows people to define themselves.

Think back to school: everyone had to wear the same uniform, but some people managed to make it their own. Girls hitched their skirts up high, had a multitude of hair bands and scarves to show off their style, while guys had their fancy belts and different ways of tying ties to express themselves. This is the same mentality with dressing simply: creating uniform looks that suit everyone but allowing people to express their personal style

FASHION 13

by adding accessories or wearing unique pieces.

American Apparel on Grafton Street has been one of the main supports of this sense of style.

Most of the items are simple pieces with no logo or label, allowing the customers to style themselves. The store also has a small vintage section full of choice original pieces. American Apparel is the go-to for highquality simple pieces, but the smart shopper cannot afford to overlook other stores. Almost every clothes store offer basic items that can be utilised for structured looks, but for more

original pieces one must go further. Vintage shops are the most obvious choice, but Dublin is full of charity shops with once-off pieces. By introducing original vintage pieces into any outfit, you’re making a statement of originality and personal style that no one else could possibility possess.

By shunning prints offered by most stores, you’re allowing your style not to be dictated, to be put in the same box as everyone else.

By personalising every outfit, you’re making it truly your own.

You’re sharing something special with the world, a piece of yourself otwo

expressed through your own style. ~~ Sebastian wears: Bag, Urban Outfitters, €45 Shirt, H&M, €20 Levis, €90, bought in Berlin Shoes, Office, €60 T-Shirt, Zara, €10 Cheap Mondays, bought in Berlin, €50 Scarf, €10, bought in Berlin Converse, Office, €45 Belt, model’s own.

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Imelda wears: Skirt, €4, Penneys Vest, €2, Dunnes Store Shoes, €30, New Look Cardigan and bracelet, stylist’s own Dress, A-Wear, €38 Shoes, River Island, €55 Bracelet, stylist’s own Fashion Editor: Seán McGovern Stylist: Kieran Murphy Photographer: Colin Scally Models: Imelda Hehir and Sebastian Jähne

14 TRAVEL

W

The Edge of the World The Connemara landscape fails to disappoint Kris Goodbody

hen I find myself surrounded by the rugged beauty of the west of Ireland, I often feel I’m balancing on the precipice at the edge of the world.

My mind tends to wander to the vast expanse of Eurasia, from the eastern coast of China all the way to Western France, and off there lies England and eventually Ireland, which a few hundred years ago was the last stop before the great unknown. Western Ireland must be one of the wildest places in Europe, but on a fine spring weekend I chose to go west where I met a small slice of tranquillity and sunshine – a rare scenario for a weekend surf trip.

The Gaeltacht has always been great at attracting visitors. From Americans with glazed expressions searching for a shred of heritage to Germans with an enviable command of the Irish language. I chose to visit Ballyconeely which boasts merely a shop, pub and harbour, but in reality holds such volumes of beauty that on a fine day would make the Amalfi coast look like Bray with a fancy

accent. Away from the beaches are sheltered coves filled with water as blue as anything to be found in Fiji (though a 5mm wetsuit could be a reasonable idea), and small but sheer cliffs that are perfect for the odd ceremonial jump – though if neither of these float your boat, there’s a few things to do on land.

Hiking and scrambling around the coast is nothing short of spectacular, with sweeping views down the craggy western edge, and eerie ruins ranging from tiny ramshackle cottages with pots and pans still among the rubble, to sprawling Georgian mansions slowly crumbling to dust. When the tide goes out it is perfect for hunting for cockles, mussels and periwinkles to cook up for dinner, which allows for a certain sense of achievement and a quick marvel at your own hunter gatherer prowess.

For the more adventuresome non-water sports enthusiast (or when there’s no waves) there’s always rallying: much of this area is surrounded by a sort of giant grassy tundra which you are allowed

to drive on. This is an undulating terrain, great for screeching around like a man possessed.

If the west of Ireland hasn’t taken a strange fancy to you and it’s raining (as is mostly the case) things to do in Ballyconeely may be a bit thin on the ground. A few suggestions would be putting on a wetsuit and going cycling, having a long chat with a friend, extra-slippery rallying around the place, or the pub – a fine

place to while away the long rainy hours beside the warm fire, playing board games. There is a nice pub in Ballyconeely, but it wasn’t exactly the wildest place I’ve ever been of a Saturday night. Down in Clifton was a different story altogether though, as that weekend in particular was offering a Hannah Montana tribute show. I’m sure every weekend of the year features another treat for music lovers everywhere.

and enthusiastic performances of ‘Bust Your Window’, ‘Single Ladies’ and ‘It’s My Life/Confessions’ which showcased strong choreography and a high level of performance. The girls and guys in these three songs shook their booty like no booty has ever been shook before, and were a real asset to the night.

This production suffered somewhat from a weak rendition of the elements which make the show itself so enjoyable: one skit featured a glass of water being poured on a girl in a raincoat. I suppose this was supposed to be a re-enactment of the

engaging ‘slushie facial’, but as the sprinkle of water was wiped from the floor, I had to cringe.

Glee proved to be a production featuring a number of tremendous high notes, a wonderful way for the first session of the UCD Musical Society to draw to a close. However, one cannot ignore the brief moments that let it down. These small slip-ups will, no doubt, be ironed out as the society begins to grow and evolve, though, and one can’t but feel a sense of anticipation for future productions from the Musical Society.

To Glee or not to Glee?

Natalie Voorheis really wants to sing the praises of UCD Musical Society’s production of Glee... but can she?

The popularity of the TV Show Glee makes it a tough act to follow, but UCD Musical Society gave it a go. The 23 songs performed by the rookie troupe showcased some wonderful vocal talent of uniformly high standards, with solid performances in particular delivered

by Robyn Sadlier, Sisi Rabenstein and Eoghan McNeill.

Emily Carroll, who sang ‘I’m Telling You I’m Not Going’ delivered an exceptional performance, receiving a standing ovation from many audience members who fell into a hush as, bathed in soft lighting, she gently began the first strains of the song. From this first moment of magic, Carroll had every member of the auditorium in the palm of her

hand; revealing more and more of her extraordinary talent as the song ascended, never shouting or forcing her vocals but staying measured and intent, while delivering a full-bodied, powerful performance so necessary to the success of such a song.

Unfortunately the dance numbers did not deliver the same caliber, with some otherwise enjoyable numbers suffering from unpracticed dancers who failed to deliver on the simplest of choreography. This was particularly noticeable in instances where backing singers failed to execute simple arm movements with the vaguest semblance of unison.

Three numbers did deliver in the dance department, however, and credit must be given for the fiery otwo

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TRAVEL TV 15

Belfield of Dreams

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rom the whimsical title, you’d be forgiven for thinking CTN’s new series Belfield of Dreams was a hilarious comedy – but upon watching it you quickly realise it’s more in line with an American soap than a humorous take on campus life that probably would have suited the medium better. Student drama is an insanely difficult thing to do well, and Brian Dermody’s new project attempts it boldly and ultimately pulls it off well.

Belfield of Dreams follows a love triangle between three young freshers, each one vying for the other’s attention and being more irritating then the character preceding them. We have Johnny (Jack Esposito), the stereotypical American cool guy, who shoots rifles and has sex with things. He’s the villain of the piece but his ingenious schemes come off as less Machiavellian, and more petty and relatively retarded. There’s Mike (Paul Duggan), the likable but naïve young fresher and the writer’s author-insertion-persona,

who needs a slap and a good stern talking to. Finally there’s Aisling (Clare Leatham), the token ‘hot girl’, around whom the plot revolves – a fact that the character is clearly aware of.

It’s easy to lose interest quickly in their collective romance, and far more interesting is the character of Ronan O’Dea (Kevin Nolan), who’s like a mix between every UCD Northsider and The Viper out of Hardy Bucks. Although he’s only on screen far, far too briefly, he’s a much more interesting character, and delivers the only really funny lines in the piece. For episode three I’m genuinely hoping writer/director Brian Dermody just follows him around campus as he tells women they’re obvious lesbians and tells Law students nobody will ever love them.

Some elements of Belfield of Dreams are really very good. Clearly Brian Dermody has put a lot of effort into the piece, and the

David Who? W

e who immerse ourselves in Whoverse were tuned, rather tensely, to BBC One two weeks ago for the return of our favourite Doctor. Would it be triumphant? Well the naysayers had waxed plenty lyrical about how Who couldn’t sustain the magic injected into the series by that dynamic duo of Russell and David (doesn’t quite have the ring of Batman, but they were better in that they only had a pen and a screwdriver).

Their departure as head writer and eponymous hero respectively was seen as a poor prognosis for the new season.

In the last four series, Tennant has made the part his own, topping even ardent fans’ list of the best Doctors.

His departure from the series was

The new campus drama from UCD’s Campus Television Network comes under the cynical eye of Jon Hozier-Byrne

cinematography, editing and soundtrack in particular give the piece a professionalism often missing in student productions.

Working against this, however, is the acting.

Not all of it, mind you, as most of the young actors do a stellar job but some of the actors simply don’t have much to work with.

Aisling’s long emotional diatribes about ‘life’ are at best banal, and at worst extremely irritating, a tough character to pull off. She then complains that Mike “probably wouldn’t want to listen to a word I’m saying anyway.”

Mike has the right idea.

The camerawork is occasionally shoddy, and the audio levels go up and down frantically, but now I’m just nit-picking. All in all, Belfield of Dreams is a bold new project from CTN, and will hopefully start a trend.

It’s a pretty fun show, and if you can see past minor imperfections and the occasionally fudged line, you’ll find a keen and clever observation of UCD life.

The new Doctor burst onto our screens last week - and left Catriona Laverty feeling a little conflicted about that best Doctor list...

seen by many as the beginning of the end for the reincarnation of the show, and by others as a chance to re-reinvent the series for the new decade.

Luckily the producers belong to the latter category and have grasped the opportunity with many hands.

The most important change in the new Doctor Who is not the casting of a much younger, but still slightly odd-looking actor as the titular hero, but in handing the head writing duties to the brilliant Steven Moffat.

One of the stand out episodes of recent years was Moffat’s excellent ‘Blink’ and suddenly fans were rather hopeful again.

The first episode of the series ‘The Eleventh Hour’, penned by Moffat was a perfect blend of action, otwo

comedy, dodgy alien goodness and the snappiest script seen in ages. Matt Smith’s Doctor managed to link subtle Tennantisms with his own quirky style, beautifully showcasing the notion that although a new face, the Doctor retains the memories of his previous incarnations. By the end, this ardent viewer felt a little dirty at the swiftness with which Tennant had gone from irreplaceable to just another link in the Whoverse.

The teaser trailer we were left with last Saturday managed to further reinforce the excitement this new series has brought, not least in the appearance (very briefly) of Moffat’s wonderful Angels. All in all the future looks bright for the Doctor and his Companion Amelia 13.04.10

Pond, and for us faithful viewers also.

16 FILM & TV

Reviews COP TO THE FUTURE AND BACK Director: David Reilly Starring: Jon Hozier-Byrne, Heber Hanly, Forrest Whittaker In cinemas: April 16th

L

et’s face it, time travel hasn’t been taken seriously ever since the ill-advised Sex and the City spin-off show single-handedly ruined the genre. Well, thank your lucky stars, general, because here comes Cop to the Future and Back. Think Back to the Future meets Kindergarten Cop. Then instantly forget that because this film is nothing like them.

The story follows ex-cop Harvey Price (HozierByrne) who dropped out the force to play bass clarinet in the local synagogue band ‘Rhythm and Jews’. Ten years later the CIA steals his newborn baby (Hanly), who has the unique ability to open a portal through space and time. Price has to use

THE GHOST Director: Roman Polanski Starring: Ewan McGregor, Pierce Brosnan, Kim Cattrall In cinemas: April 16th

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or some unknown reason the powers that be determined that while American audiences get the perfectly acceptable title The Ghost Writer, us Europeans were going to have to make do with the undeniably stupider title The Ghost. Sure, it’s the name of the source material, but as soon as you put that name into movieland all your brain can think is “Patrick Swayze!” repeated again and again in your mind until you pass out from dehydration.

But no, this is no sequel or remake of the Swayze classic (RIP, my friend), it is instead the latest

everything he learned as a cop to time hop, find his child, and meet a woman in the first act that he marries in the last.

Sure, the plot’s clichéd, but director David Reilly has added a few sexy twists to keep things interesting. For example, the dance sequences move the action along swiftly, with a few musical gems such as “I don’t have a licence for this sex gun” and “My sex gun’s fully loaded” sure to be topping those popular music charts. However, the latter songs are a bit disappointing and don’t really fit the plot, mainly because they’re taken directly from Jesus Christ Superstar.

But don’t worry proportionally half of the audience (i.e. men); it’s not all girly singing. This film is jammers with action! One of the more impressive scenes finds British Prime Minister William Gladstone discussing the Irish Question when Harvey Price, courtesy of his time machine, bursts in shouting “Home Rule forever, mo-fo’s” before shooting up the place while wrapped in a

burning British flag. Emotional stuff.

However, in what appears to be a complete tangent to the plot Price briefly decides to go for a prehistoric holiday, with the footage in this segment looking suspiciously like it was taken from Jurassic Park. Also, it seems that the studios pressured the film into utilising the recently popular 3D technology but clearly this was a rushed job, seeing as the 3D is used only during the sex scenes.

Speaking of, while the first three sex scenes help move the plot along, the following eight just seem a bit tacked.

All in all, while Cop to the Future and Back may not be the best film in recent memory about a Jewish ex-cop travelling through space and time in search of his child (that honour goes to last decade’s Renegade Lemonade), it will definitely fill that emotional void in your lives.

In a Nutshell: Great? No. A movie? Definitely.

Conor Barry

political thriller from prison-held Roman Polanski.

The story follows an unnamed ghost writer (Ewan McGregor) who has been hired to finish off the memoirs of ex-Prime Minister (Pierce Brosnan), the previous ghost writer dying under somewhat mysterious circumstances. As McGregor is scribbling away the ex-Prime Minister gets involved with a more serious scandal, McGregor gets in over his head and had to escape with his life.

While Ewan McGregor is good it’s Pierce Brosnan who does a great job playing a clueless yet confident politician; he’s genuinely difficult to read meaning you’re double guessing him throughout. Sex and the City’s Kim Cattrell also makes an appearance as the PM’s secretary – and clearly the English-born actress has been spending too much time in New York, as she now has some weird hybrid accent.

There is a nice sense of intrigue throughout the whole thing and, mainly due to McGregor’s likability, you actually become caught up in his

discoveries. If it all sounds very Hitchcock, that’s because it is… well, slightly worse Hitchcock with some unexplained implausibility and, at times, questionable pacing. Also, the plot seems to get lost within itself, at one stage awkwardly introducing a wise old man for three minutes to explain all the complicated parts.

While the majority of the film potters along quite well with a nice sense of imminent danger and suspense, there are most definitely parts that edge on dull, not surprising for a film based around rewriting a political memoir. If you can put up with some slow pacing during the two hour running time this is a nicely satisfying thriller. Also, for all you

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In a nutshell: Polanski fans, this may be the last thing you see from him in a while so savour it. My money’s on his next feature being prison based.

Conor Barry

STREETDANCE 3D

FILM & TV 17

Directed by: Max Giwa, Dania Pasquani Starring: Charlotte Rampling, Nichola Burley In cinemas: 21 May

BAD ROBOTS A serious bout of rage against the machine – James McDonnell lists the top ten technological terrors

V

isually impressive? Check.

Minorities speaking in broken English? Check. Plot devoid of originality? Check! No, it’s not Avatar (well it could be, just not on this occasion), it’s Streetdance 3D: the latest film to jump on the street dancing bandwagon (Step Up, Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3) except unlike the others, this is set on the mean streets of London. And by ‘mean streets’, I mean a fancy ballet academy.

Streetdance is a gritty, dramatic and realistic social commentary in which two groups of youths from contrasting upbringings must put their differences aside in order to win the most hallowed and prestigious UK Street Dance Final. Serious shit, I know!

The story centres around Carly and her “crew” of dancers wanting to win the aforementioned competition – but in order to practice in a studio in a ballet academy they must allow some of the ballet students to be in her crew.

“Madness!” I hear you yell, “That’ll never work!” However, dear reader, it does; the dance routines are nothing short of impressive with the fine dance moves of former Britain’s Got Talent contestants Diversity, Flawless, George Samson and Susan Boyle (well, maybe not that last one).

An interesting element to Streetdance is Real 3D, the same effect used by films such as Avatar and Alice in Wonderland. To be honest, it does absolutely nothing to add to the film and in some scenes, where the camera pans overhead, it causes everything to be compressed horizontally. This

for some reason made me think of the 1971 version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which can only be a good thing right?

The whole film builds up to the climactic dance final. However, an unknown amount of days before the big night, the ballet dancers are told that their Royal London Ballet auditions are on the same day! This of course causes problems and almost leaves Carly’s crew disqualified for not having all their members present on time. Luckily, Carly’s co-worker Eddie jumps on stage with a boom box (convenient, much?) and surprises everyone by breaking out some ‘ill’ moves. The biggest surprise to me, though, was that Carly didn’t notice her co-worker was George Sampson.

C’mon, he was all over the news!

Surely he had to take a few days off work for BGT? In a nutshell: Continuity errors, horrible dialogue and the premise is about original as invading Russia during winter – but that didn’t stop anyone going to see Avatar. Besides, you’ll feel less guilty about knocking one out to the lead female.

David Reilly

HAL - 2001: A Space Odyssey Not so much evil as efficient – we humans, we have to admit, can be a bit clumsy when it comes to astro-physics and navigation.

Who wouldn’t be angry if you saw the world through a fish-eye?

Leading to the iconic phrase: ‘I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, stretchy.’

ED209 - Robocop Roar like a lion, stinger-missiles like a bee. Robocop’s only worthy rival, both in firepower and ability to count down from 30… but he obviously hasn’t watched the Jane Fonda’s Stairmaster workout video. Alone in his apartment.

T-800 - Terminator James Cameron underestimated the loveable charm of Arnold’s muscular face. He’s very endearing for an unstoppable killer, so much that in the sequel they made him both the central character and the comic relief.

Even though he is made from the most incomprehensively complex technology, he still deals with his problems by shooting everyone.

The Stock Market - Wall Street This guy had the biggest impact on humanity, giving thousands of yuppies money to spend on cocaine and Huey Lewis albums.

The sequel, coming out this year, is about it becoming self-aware and trying to eat Michael Douglas.

W.O.P.R. - War Games A case of innocence gone wrong.

The cute little giant computer just thinks he’s playing a game, and tries to nuke the world. Remind you of any world powers today? It shouldn’t: we have no robots like this.

You’re crazy.

Proteus IV Demon Seed

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Julie Christie is imprisoned in her robot house after it falls in love with her. Clearly he doesn’t have eyes or aesthetic sensors. Poor guy. At least he gets to decide what they watch on TV and can make the toaster pop-up.

Alpha 60 - Alphaville An entire, conscious, dystopian city. It’s my kind of evil: seemingly heavy eye shadow and 60s French hair are mandatory. Even machines can appreciate how awesome that is.

Roy Batty - Blade Runner Pale and pristine, Rutger Hauer creates a perfect balance between lucid rationality and pressing peoples’ eyes into their brain.

SPOILER ALERT! Androids do dream of electric sheep.

The Iron Giant - The Iron Giant An evil communist killing machine that heart-warmingly tricks a boy into loving him.

Presumably built by Stalin, this insidious creation is a perfect example of why we must defend our shores from the red menace.

Deep Blue – Game Over: Kasparov and The Machine The scariest of all, because he existed. Deep Blue slaughtered grandmaster Garry Kasparov in a chess contest in 1997 and showed almost no guilt at embarrassing the Russian. The scientists behind his construction realised they should never have played God, and promptly disassembled him.

18

WEB

with GAVAN REILLY

S

adly it’s that time of year again; it’s time when there’s queues for library seats, queues in the library shop to get a sandwich, and queues to… well, there’s loads of queues. There’s also that whole exam thing you’ve got going on. Fear not, though – for those moments when you just need to spend five minutes of alone-time on the interwebs, WebWatch is here to offer teeny titbits of distraction that offer a few moments’ amusement, but (crucially) not enough to actually stop you from studying.

Rest assured that this ultimate edition of WebWatch won’t be nearly as distracting as… oh, I don’t know, a list of interesting facts about everything Nintendo have done, ever (http://short. ie/uo121). Did you know, for example, that Nintendo began life in 1889 as a playing card company, and had been around for 89 years before they tried

to make a video game? Or that ‘Nintendo’ means ‘Leave luck to Heaven’ in Japanese? …Oh, you did? Well, then, let’s move on.

Here’s something that might interest you for all of five seconds – in a very literal sense. Perfectly tailored to

keep you amused for quick nuggets of time, 5 Second Films (http://short.ie/uo122) offers a collection of (shock!) fivesecond films – almost all of which can induce socially suicidal guffaws as you take a quick study break from the library. Just keep hitting that ‘random’ button – and keep laughing, really, really, really loud – until you feel like studying again, or until Librocop kicks you out.

If that’s not really your thing and it’s the summer wanderlust that’s getting you down, the

interwebs can help you there too – bringing you around the world in a flash. And we’re not just talking about virtual trips on Google Earth here – simply trot along to http://short.ie/uo123 and enjoy an interactive 360’ tour of Paris from the top of the Eiffel Tower. There’s also a very handy collection at 360cities (http:// short.ie/uo124) to amuse you until you can make your way elsewhere!

Which leaves just enough time for a funny video about 8-bit video game characters taking over the world (http:// short.ie/uo125), a handy guide to identifying That Guy from That Film (http://short.ie/ uo126), and – to round off your break – a website that knows exactly who you’re thinking of (http://short.ie/uo127).

Thanks for reading WebWatch throughout the year – and enjoy your summer.

Websight: WikiLeaks.org Alex Court looks at a haven for leaked official documents

W

ikiLeaks.org featured in news bulletins last week after it posted a video of an American helicopter on patrol in Baghdad in 2007. The footage – available to anybody with an internet connection – shows U.S. troops murdering civilians.

The description provided reads as follows: “The video, shot from an Apache helicopter gun-site, clearly shows the unprovoked slaying of a wounded Reuters employee and his rescuers. Two young children involved in the rescue were also seriously wounded.”

During the film’s 17 minutes, you witness the deaths of about twelve people. It seems at first that you are watching the latest Bourne film, before you remember that the people writhing in pain on the dusty pavement had families and real lives.

They had jobs and a favourite meal – but they’re vapourised in front of your eyes when a trigger gets pulled.

The footage is deeply disturbing.

The video has two main potential consequences. The first, which the site’s webmasters emphasise, is greater accountability – with the U.S. army being internationally shamed.

The second is that teenage kids logging on will seriously damage their mental health. Until suitable online age-checks are devised, this website may cause as much harm as good.

The idea behind Wikileaks is that anyone can anonymously post official documents or other information that exposes corruption or abuses of power by governments or corporations. Some documents uncover what equipment the U.S. army is really buying for use in Iraq, while others explain what goes on behind the iron curtain at Guantanamo Bay. It is a bizarre experience for unauthorised people, like myself, to read these affairs of state. Wikileaks otwo

provokes a paranoia that a SWAT team are about to break down the door. There is also the inkling that the content is spurious – that is, until you realise this source is endorsed by a long list of recognisable organisations including the Associated Press and the Citizen Media Law Project at Harvard University. It is also denounced and/or blocked in China, Israel, North Korea, Russia, and Zimbabwe.

The Guardian calls WikiLeaks “...an uncensorable and untraceable depository for the truth, able to publish documents that the courts may prevent newspapers and broadcasters from being able to touch.” Whether this information should be so available is a question that remains unanswered for me.

Decide for yourself.

13.04.10

MUSIC 19

JONSI

VARIOUS ARTISTS

TEN

Album: Go Rating: C+

Album: Kick-Ass OST Rating: A

Album: Gabriella Cilmi Rating: C-

Randomness can often be the greatest forte of film and music, and the two combined on this occasion make for a visceral treat. Highlights include the everelectrifying Prodigy’s rendering of ‘Omen’ and ‘Stand Up’, not to mention ‘Banana Splits’

by The Dickies, which frames the entrance of Hit Girl in suitably anarchic fashion.

Taylor Momsen (of Gossip Girl fame) surprises everyone by having a halfway decent band and sultry voice to match with ‘Make Me Wanna Die’, a track much better than its angsty title suggests.

Most intriguing is the appearance of Quentin Tarantino-esque vocal stylings from the film on the tracks, but the film almost exceeded him in selfcongratulatory coolness, so this works quite brilliantly.

In A Nutshell: A gloriously deranged accompaniment to a gloriously deranged film.

Grace Duffy

Cilmi is back with her sophomore album – taking on a new synth direction this time around. Although vocally strong, musically it sounds like Cilmi’s jumping on the electro bandwagon.

The result, inevitably, is disjointed.

‘On a Mission’ tries too hard to pack an opening punch by drawing on far too many 80s influences simultaneously, missing the mark and ending

Hooray! The Sigur Rós frontman – famed for singing in the made-up ‘Hopelandish’ language – introduces some English lyrics to the songs of earlier albums.

We can finally understand what they’re singing about –though this does detract from the warmth of singing in a different language and having to guess meaning by tone and mode alone.

Altogether Go is a very musically loose album, with drums rumbling and leaping through light-playing flutes, warming strings and a vocal line with collapsing harmonies. It is hardly a coincidence that Sigur Rós consider themselves to be of the pop genre. Applauds must also go to composer Nico Muhly for his well-placed and delicate arrangements throughout some of the instrumentally-heavy pieces.

In a nutshell: Fun, playful, innocent and vibrant. Not as sad as others.

Colin Sweetman

up being more kitsch than cool.

The album picks up halfway, but efforts like ‘Robots’ and ‘Boys’ start strongly, then peter out into formulaic blandness.

The album finally gets interesting with the laidback finale ‘Superman’, only for the album to end with a bonus rehash of her 2009 hit ‘Sweet About Me’ – which tellingly sounds fresher than most of the new content.

In a nutshell: Bland, with some showers of borderline cheesiness.

Lynda O’Keeffe

Reviews

PETE LAWRIE Album: How Could I Complain Rating: C The album offers some nice tunes to tide the listener over – but besides that there’s not much to this

CD. The solid rhythmic beats and throaty western lyrics of the opening track are reminiscent of of Josh Ritter, while the repetition in both lyrics and tempo leaves you tiring of the title track far too soon.

‘Panic’, with its mash up of electric and percussion, is the best and

most original track and offers a nice tune to bop your head to, very well complimented by the smoky rasp in Lawrie’s voice (though it sometimes sounds like he’s straining to be Tom Waits).

Lawrie’s lack of originality makes this little more than something nice

to listen to. You won’t find yourself singing the lyrics or having the violin move you, which is a shame because the album shows a lot of potential that it never delivers upon.

In a nutshell: Excellent elevator music – which, sadly, means failure.

Ronan Breathneach

Album of the Fortnight CANCER BATS Album: Bears, Mayors, Scraps, and Bones Rating: A+

V

ocalist Liam Cormier said of this album during recording, “we are making riffs out of awesome.”

Self-explanatory as that is, it doesn’t quite capture the face-melting electricity that powers this entire record. Cancer Bats have forged a reputation as one of the most original and inventive bands of recent years and it’s reassuring to know that the hotly anticipated Bears... will keep the trail they blaze incandescently bright.

With insufficient space to truly capture the album in words, I write simply – this is not just an exercise in how to slaughter the competition. This is how to take aim using something you’re good at and blow them out of the air... with a bazooka.

In A Nutshell: O hai, metal cover of ‘Sabotage’!

Grace Duffy otwo

13.04.10

20

ENCORE

THE ARTS BLOCK CAT SPITS out some more warm, moist truth-blobs onto your unyielding lap

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 22) Everyone knows of your Nickelback fixation. Everyone

Leo (July 24 – August 23) Yeah, so how about that reduced price STI testing that the SU is advertising? Hint.

Aries (March 21 – April 20) Natalie Cassidy will outshine you in Heat this month…

Put the cake down. (No, you can’t put it in a bag ‘for later’.)

laughs. Ha. Ha.

Virgo (August 24 – September 23) Oi, the Tesco Value bag of carrots is for oral use only. The student nurses know who you are.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21) Don’t laugh at Natalie Cassidy.

You’re the “double bagger” of Computer Science. I know all about you.

Capricorn (December 23 – January 23) Mittens wants to see you in the men’s bathrooms of the Arts Block at 5pm today. Arrive early to avoid delay.

Libra (September 24 – October 23) It’s bad. The crystal ball is looking very bad. I simply cannot tell you. Put it this way, you might be in a Road Safety Awareness ad in the near future. Sorry.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21) Your soulmate works in the Student Photocopying Centre. The good news is you get to pick which one. Choose wisely.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19) “Simply... 100% complete and balanced, with no artificial flavourings and preservatives.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22) To the couple in Merville getting breakfast rolls this morning. Why? Is she the one from Computer Science? I knew it! I can sense these things.

Cancer (June 22 – July 23) You don’t have a soul mate. Give up now.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) “Sure the same thing happened to Sheila from Ag in Coppers last Thursday.” Sheila, you are from Claremorris, you are not Samantha Jones.

[Gig of the Fortnight: Rain Machine ] The Academy – tickets €18.50 – doors 19.30

Kyp Malone from TV on the Radio brings his impressive solo project to Dublin for a night of high jinks and ambience. A skilled and visual musician in his own right, don’t let his other band be the only thing TUESDAY 13 April th

One Republic – Academy, Dublin – tickets €28 (over 18s) – doors 19.00 Evita – Gaiety Theatre, Dublin – tickets €35-€60 – doors 19.30

20th April

LCD Soundsystem – Tripod, Dublin – tickets €36.50€39.50 – doors 19.30 New York Dolls – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €28 – doors 19.30

that attracts you. Kyp promises an entertaining live show and kooky, sublimely executed music in his own right, and in such an intimate venue it promises to be a mesmeric set.

Grace Duffy

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

14 April

15 April

th

th

Hypnotic Brass Ensemble – Whelans, Dublin – tickets €23 – doors 19.30

Rain Machine – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €18.50 – doors 19.30

Airbourne – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €19.50 – doors 19.30

Jim Jones Revue – Crawdaddy, Dublin – tickets €13.00 – doors 20.00

21st April

Very little is on today, unless you’re willing to follow Jedward across a reasonable tour of midlands shopping centres..

Maybe today might be best spent in the library, eh?

22nd April

FRIDAY 16 April th

SATURDAY 17 April th

Stornoway – Crawdaddy, Dublin – tickets €14 – doors 20.00

Mystery Jets – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €18.50 – doors 19.30

Hell’s Bells – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €16.50 – doors 23.30

Whitney Houston – The O2, Dublin – tickets €76.25€106.25 – doors 20.00

23rd April

Dropkick Murphys – The Olympia, Dublin – tickets €25 – doors 19.30

Joan Armatrading – Vicar Street, Dublin – tickets €37 – doors 20.30

Calvin Harris – Savoy, Cork – tickets €30 – doors 23.00

Ricky Gervais – The O2, Dublin – tickets €40 – doors 19.30 THE UCD BALL! otwo

13.04.10

24th April

Josh Ritter – Radisson Hotel, Galway – tickets €36.10 – doors 20.00 Blood Red Shoes – Auntie Annie’s, Belfast – tickets £9 – doors 20.00

SUNDAY 18 April th

Whitney Houston – The O2, Dublin – tickets €76.25€106.25 – doors 20.00

25th April

Jedward – Vicar Street, Dublin – tickets €25.50 – doors 19.30 Efterklang – Whelans, Dublin – tickets €17.50 – doors 20.30

MONDAY 19th April

Scouting for Girls – Savoy, Cork – tickets €28 – doors 20.00 Evelyn Evelyn (feat Amanda Palmer) – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €22.50 – doors 19.00 26th April

Joshua Radin – The Academy, Dublin – tickets €19.50 – doors 19.00