Freshers' Guide - Volume XIX - Issue I

The University Observer / Issue I Volume XIX

Freshers’ Guide

18th September 2012

2

H

ello and welcome to our Freshers’ Guide.

Here you will find out everything you need to know about starting UCD, from how to get settled in to your new college life, to the best way to drop out of college and get settled in to your new waster life.

Our guide will put you ahead of the curve when trying to understand the many facets of UCD life, and intimidate all

your new friends with your exclusive knowledge of the inevitable student stereotypes you all fall into, and the societies which are aimed exclusively at each group. You will learn the proud history of this university, and pick between the true and the false regarding its lore. You will understand the Students’ Union and its officers better than they understand themselves. We will also guide you through the everyday perils of student-dom

Your Students’ Union 6 A Guide to UCD Societies and Campus Media 8 Surviving Living Away From Home 10

the

CON TEN

Stereotypical Students 4

TS

Campus History and Timeline 3

University Observer Volume XIX Issue I Telephone: (01) 716 3119/3120 Email: info@universityobserver.ie www.universityobserver.ie

such as how to survive living away from your family, why you shouldn’t have picked Belgrove and how to have the sex.

We’ve condensed everything you will learn in your whole time in UCD into one 16 page supplement. Knowledge is power and you now have the tools to take over the campus. They’re looking for a new president apparently.

So read on, enjoy, and good luck with the year ahead.

Sex and Relationships FAQ 12 UCD Campus: True or False?

13 Flowchart – What kind of Student are you?

14 The UO Guide to Dropping Out 15

Editor Emer Sugrue

Chief Designer Gary Kealy

Deputy Editor Aoife Valentine

Illustrator Emily Longworth

Contributors Conor Luke Barry David Farrell Daniel Keenan Emily Longworth Emily Mullen Sean O’Grady Conor Kevin O’Nolan

3

University College Dublin A History of

PERFECTION 1854 UCD established with the name Catholic University of Dublin.

Probably a very fun day. They potentially ate celebratory cake.

1922 James Joyce’s Ulysses is first published.

Everyone hates it. Smart people talk about how amazing it is.

Everyone loves it.

1933 Belfield House add on 44 acres bought for sporting purposes.

Students get very into sports.

Sometimes teams lose, sometimes they win. This continues ad infinitum.

1969-1970 Beginning of campus move from the city centre to the sunny fields of Belfield.

Cement quickly covers majority of these fields.

1981 Sports complex opens. Gym becomes intimidating workout space for attractive people.

Water fountains break a lot.

1995 Graduate Dermot Morgan stars in Father Ted. Everyone is in agreement that it is very funny and the

A

wise fisherman once said: “The most important education ain’t from no book learning, it’s straight from the University of Life.” I replied that this may well be satisfactory for a disgusting fisherman but as a proud UCD man, formal education is more important to me than experiencing reality. He said something presumably unintelligent in retort leaving me no option but to roll up my extremely useful Bachelor of Arts degree and batter him repeatedly in the face. As I strolled away from this scene of intellectual and physical assault I couldn’t help but think, “Why is it that UCD is better than every other institution of higher education?”

There are many rivalling theories as to why University College Dublin was established.

Some say it was to improve the educational opportunities of the common Irish man. Others say it was because the Head of Trinity was getting all the hot chicks and setting up a University was a very ‘James Dean’ thing to do. Nobody truly knows as all the records from this time period are too boring to read, but we can assume it was probably related to chicks. Either way, the University had humble beginnings.

Originally located in the heart of the city, tens of students would meet up for high brow discussions, such as which books made you look smartest on the tram or whose trousers had the nicest crease ironed into them. Trinity notoriously looked down upon our fledgling University, insulted by the suggestion that anyone could have nicer trouser creases than them. This started a rivalry between the two, culminating in representatives of the colleges meeting up in dark alleyways for ‘intelligence showdowns’.

These were battles that could last for days, where the students were given topics such as ‘Shakespeare’s childhood pets’ and the loser was the one who either ran out of new facts on said topic or passed out due to dehydration.

As the University expanded it became obvious

that a new campus was necessary. The college showed its commitment to education by not focussing any attention at all on campus design.

Having said that, the architecture was ahead of its time and pre-empted popular culture’s love of angular shapes long before the success of Tetris. As the student body grew, so did the possibility of a bunch of them becoming successful.

There is no doubt that UCD produces a finer type of human being, a point that has been shown again and again through notable graduates. For instance, graduate James Joyce went on to reinvent the way English literature is written, and graduate Chris O’Dowd went on to be the best part of Bridesmaids. Joyce was unarguably the most spectacular student UCD has ever seen ever and though he barely attended lectures and achieved poor grades, he made the wise choice of becoming extremely famous later in life. His presence can still be felt in UCD today as you take one of his books out of the James Joyce library, order the Jumbo Joyce meal from the restaurant or stroke the metal bust of his pointy face which, according to folklore, makes humans immortal.

With such an impressive past, it’s tough to imagine where the college can go from here.

The academic imagination has yet to run dry and many plans are in place to keep UCD at the top. A gold statue of Chris O’Dowd turning on and off a computer will be erected to encourage students into Computer Science. Following the success of the new Student Centre, plans are being made to build Ireland’s first academia based theme park with the working title ‘Intellectuland’. Rides will consist of the ‘Seamus Heaney Shooting Gallery’, the ‘Walt Whitman Waltzer’ and, of course, the ‘James Joyce Jungle Gym’. Whatever the future brings, be it hovering buildings or a robot uprising, there is no doubt that UCD students will be at the forefront of these developments with their heads held high and their trousers expertly creased.

“Graduate James Joyce went on to reinvent the way English literature is written, and graduate Chris O’Dowd went on to be the best part of Bridesmaids”

state rules that it must be quoted by every Irish person at least once a day.

2006 UCD Horizons is introduced.

Thousands of students previously confused about which subjects to pick to determine rest of their lives, now have infinitely wider scope.

2011 Arcade cabinets are quietly gotten rid of with the closure of leisure extravaganza and pool hall, ‘The Trap’.

Sad day for academia.

2012 Opening of new Student Centre.

Has very pretty lights and a large pool. Probably best thing UCD possesses now that arcade cabinets are gone.

2020 It is discovered that the UCD lake swans are actually the Children of Lir. They provide UCD students with magical powers and an attempt is made to create a Hogwarts-esque vibe. Unfortunately, J.K. Rowling’s people sue and students have to pretend not to have powers, similar to X-Men. Marvel sues soon after.

4

Stereotypical Student Guide As you first step onto the concourse as a first year student, you meet it with completely fresh eyes. You have no preconceptions of any of your fellow students, and can meet a member of any faculty with a clean slate and open arms.

This will not last, but why waste time coming up with your own unique prejudices? With this guide, you’ll soon be hating every other faculty with the fervour and passion of any selfrespecting second year, and complaining about your own with the resignation of a jaded final year before you even finish your Freshers’ bag Rice Krispie Square.

SCIENCE

“

I’m sure you’ll find a conversation with a student as exhilarating as a weekend with Batman, on a rollercoaster, in space

Trapped in a course of anonymity, science students strive to be in some way original. Indie music, Instagram, rolling their own cigarettes, hot chocolate instead of coffee, Google+ instead of Facebook, badger baiting instead of procrastinating; anything to make yourself a little bit different.

A regular haunt for Science students were the couches in the Science Hub, but construction there has forced students to find a different, distinctly more beastiality-themed spot i.e. the couches beside all the dead, stuffed animals (aka the taxidermist’s wet dream).

They are all too aware that people will believe anything scientists say, so they can say anything they want (but in fairness, Scientists agree that 100% of what scientists say is true).

Students are known for their outlandish exaggerations about everything, like how their professors are literally insane, and literally stare at them in disgust for the entire 60-hour lecture when they turn up literally two milliseconds late.

The Jock Walk is organised annually to show that scientists aren’t as boring as their course suggests: for one day, instead of putting on lab coats and messing with beakers, they put on lab coats and mess with buckets.

BUSINESS AND LAW If you’ve just entered the Quinn Building for the first time, and think that all students are just

money-hungry starch shirts, you’d be wrong.

Sure, most of them are as greedy as the Ferengi from Star Trek, and many bear an uncanny resemblance to them, but they know there is more to life than money. Fine-tailored suits, for example. And boring? No way. Are bankers boring? Is Enda Kenny boring? Were the people in the First Class cabins in the Titanic boring?

I’m sure you’ll find a conversation with a student as exhilarating as a weekend with Batman, on a rollercoaster, in space. Male students are identifiable by their pointy shoes, and a jumper jauntily tied around the neck, while females dress either business-casual, or pyjama-formal.

Law students don’t like lawyer jokes, or when you point out how utterly pointless the Sutherland School of Law building will be, and they will bill you for a 10-minute conversation.

They are fond of back door brags, like: “I’m always rushing in the morning, because I spend it reading the Financial Times. Just the price I pay for being a news junkie.”

COMPUTER SCIENCE Students of Computer Science have a geeky reputation, probably not helped by Moss from The IT Crowd. Admittedly it’s hard to escape the whole, World of Warcraft-playing, muscledecaying, basement-living, shit not-giving, glasses-wearing, hair not-caring, Wikipediabotching, Internet TV-watching, image. Why? Well, it’s mostly true.

With such long hours staring at a computer screen, they tend to explore the deepest

5

recesses of the internet; not porn, but conspiracy websites. Websites which tell you that George Bush drove the planes for 9/11, that Paul McCartney died dozens of years ago and this is just Paul 2.0, and that Barney the Dinosaur is just a guy in a suit, and not a re-animated reptile from the Jurassic era, as the ‘masses’ believe. They start forums and debate whether the future will be more like Star Trek, Star Wars or Firefly.

Computer Science students really should be proud that they have an image, because with drop-out rates as high as they are in the course, their stereotype is based on all five students who actually finish the course.

ENGINEERING The people in charge of the Engineering degree in UCD treat their students like gremlins: don’t get them wet, don’t feed them after midnight, and don’t expose them to sunlight. They enforce this by giving them a ludicrous number of hours, so student engineers have skin like mayonnaise and a constant look of fear in their eyes.

They must build things, and someday block the giant yellow fire god, by constructing a Mr Burns-esque sun blocker. During their indoor time, they construct and play with tiny scaled toys. Anthropologists believe they do this in order to build tiny villages, and then pretend they’re giants. During their lunch breaks (between 12.55 and 13.00), they gather together and pray facing towards the cranes in UCD. AGRICULTURAL SCIENCE Most other schools hate the idea that their course conforms to a stereotype, but Ag is a little bit different: they are proud of their image.

Students are famous for terrorising goats (both the animal and the pub) and are fond of O’Neill’s tracksuit bottoms, the word ‘lawd,’ Mrs Brown’s Boys and Buckfast. Talk is generally confined to the price of cattle, the weather and whether they can or cannot afford to miss the next Farmer’s Journal.

Attendance in September tends to be poor in Ag Science, because of the clash with the National Ploughing Championships. Male students usually have a large mass of body hair, which is sheared off and made into a fine fleece after winter; female students have also been known to do the same.

Ag nightlife is reminiscent of the aul’ youth discos, with lots of shiftin’ and poor dancing. They are fond

purveyors of TramCo, mostly because of their ‘Hang Sangiches after midnight’ gimmick, while not even Colm Cooper or Johnny Doyle pull on their county jersey with as much pride as an Ag student on County Colours night. The ‘cure’ the next morning is a mixture of Dutch Gold and sheep dip.

For men, courtin’ ladies is dependent on several ratios; land to livestock, bicep size to number of teeth; GAA medals to average winning margin from FIFA, and blood to alcohol.

MEDICINE Your Leaving Cert results don’t matter once you get to college, you say?

True, but not in Medicine. The extra 5 points between the 500 Club are like gold dust. If you have gotten to Medicine by grace of an excellent HPAT result, prepare to be ostracised, as HPAT students are more like HPAT-itis C sufferers among medical students.

Wine and cheese tastings are as mandatory as lab coats, and they always travel in packs that are closer knit than an Aran jumper. Not content with the fact that in six years, they will be administering colon and prostate tests to the rest of us, they feel obligated to be a pain in our arses now; as they brashly inform you they do Medicine, before they even tell you their name.

Med students are identifiable by their undeniable swagger, stylish glasses (most wear them just to look smart) and desire to have their lives exactly like the doctors in Grey’s Anatomy. Unfortunately, an exciting lifestyle while studying medicine is a reality confined solely to their McDreamies.

Pre-Med, basically the blow off year for first years, is treated as a nine-month scientific experiment to see how much alcohol the body can consume, before settling down to a life of study, blood and asking people to cough with their trousers down.

ARTS Ah, Arts, so full of clichés. Gazing at the Newman building (but not for too long, or you may go blind) it’s hard to believe that so many students can fit the same mould. With a cup of coffee permanently in their hand, Arts students usually wear some sort of garment from Topshop, with baggy tracksuit bottoms or leggings covering their lower extremities, and a Forrest Gump-look of innocence.

Girls must change their hair colour every three months, and the general rule is that there is no such thing

as ‘too much fake tan’ or ‘too much cleavage on display.’ Longer serving students look much more pessimistic, as they have realised that their lecturers and tutors are not Robin Williams from Dead Poet’s Society.

Arts students love to share tales of how they procrastinate, joke about their lack of job prospects (so nobody else will) and talk about what movies are over and underrated. Arts is not a close knit community, so the Newman building is full of students pretending to text so they won’t look like loners. The gangs that do form, usually develop bitter rivalries with each other, and numerous dance-offs ensue. Other free time is dedicated to solving world hunger and ending religious-political divides, theoretically at least.

For students not famous for studying, their lives revolve around the library, mostly having staring contests with the same page of a book for several hours, before spending another few hours outside the library, taking a ‘10-minute study break.’

ARCHITECTURE It’s incredibly difficult to stereotype a student from Architecture because nobody really knows that they exist. Relegated to the godforsaken Clonskeagh side of campus, they are located somewhere between DCU and Dun Laoghaire College of Picture Drawing, though exact details are only known to students of the course.

UCD student architects are fascinating beings. They are solitary creatures, who only come out at night to forage for berries and dead birds.

Much like the Jackdaw (which is, coincidentally, their favourite variety of dead bird), they are known for stealing; rather than shiny objects however, they tend to steal pencils from bags and a single sock from washing machines.

With a surplus of males, competition for breeding is fierce. Females base their choice on drawing ability, mating songs and a fight between males, in which the loser is castrated. When the female has chosen her mate, and has got permission from the High Priests and Druids of Gaudi, she takes him into the Quad at midnight, in the hope of insemination. With their nocturnal lives, and the poor lighting around UCD, we can only guess at their appearance: one can assume that they look like a combination of Smeagle, and a White Walker from Game of Thrones.

For men, courtin’ ladies is dependent on several ratios; land to livestock, bicep size to number of teeth; GAA medals to average winning margin from FIFA, and blood to alcohol.

“

6

Guide to the SU

T

he Students’ Union serves as the Government of UCD students. They both defend the needs of the students, while even more vigorously defending their right to continued existence.

The UCD Students’ Union was founded in 1837, 17 years before the foundation of UCD. The founders had much foresight, not only naming themselves UCDSU while the university was still known as the Catholic University of Ireland, but pitching camp where the current student centre lies, hoping that one day UCD would move their campus there. In the 1960s their prayers and sacrificing of small creatures proved successful, and the Belfield campus was purchased, ending the four mile journey from the city centre each day, of students seeking free condoms.

The Union was originally founded as the UCD Fight Club. Catholics did not have the right to formally vote in Ireland until 1922 and as UCD was a Catholic university, the

appointments were made in the traditional Irish Catholic way. When electing a village leader the candidates would challenge each other to a combined drinking and fighting contest. Each would alternately trade blows and shots of whiskey.

The one who could remember the election the next day was declared the winner. The frequency in which ballots had to be recounted led to Ireland’s international reputation for hard drinking and allowed the British to take over without anyone noticing for 800 years.

This democratic tradition continues in UCD to this day. Unlike other universities where SU Officers are chosen democratically, UCD Students’ Union ‘elects’ people though bloody fights. While death has recently been outlawed in Dublin, these fights, or ‘elections’, have been cause for concern from several international human rights groups.

Rachel ‘Mad Dog’ Breslin ran for President unopposed after defeating

last year’s President Pat de Brún by two cracked ribs and a black eye.

College sources claim that de Brún went on Erasmus, but his whereabouts since the incident are unknown. He is not the first person that Breslin ‘sent to Berlin’, as she calls it.

It has been speculated that Breslin will continue to run for President unopposed for at least 1,000 years.

Moves have been made over the years to stem the violence. The Welfare campaign, ‘Please Talk’, was originally started in opposition of the Students’ Union’s one rule: ‘Don’t talk about SU Club’. ‘Please Talk’ was a failure in this regard, and is now merely a counselling service for those traumatised by the electoral process.

The Students’ Union’s main aim is to look busy at all times and to think of varying methods which they can use to keep their name out of Google searches when they inevitably get bad press for their gross inactivity on all fronts. While trying to appear to serve the students’ needs, the SU

have launched various programs, not limited to handing out condoms, handing out information about condoms, asking people what they do with all the condoms and hanging banners all around UCD telling students that if they don’t have sex they’re a loser.

It is the sworn duty of the Students’ Union to ensure that everyone on campus gets the ride. If you fail to do this, the Union will call you in for a private meeting the day before graduation. Over half of last year’s Computer Science class had to graduate in absentia due to last minute holidays to Berlin.

Upon being sworn in to their positions each officers is given a line to a riddle. Should you collect all the lines, and then solve this riddle you receive an automatic first class honour in your degree. No one in UCD’s history has yet managed to complete the task as nobody has been able to endure talking to a sabbat long enough to even get close to finding a line.

7

Entertainments

Education

C&C

Welfare

Eoin Heffernan

Shane Comer

Paddy Guiney

Mícheál Gallagher

The role of Ents is to provide a wide variety of entertainment to the students of UCD throughout the year.

In practice this consists of many PR deals with clubs four miles away in the city centre, one end-of-year music festival, and a campaign promise of a Zumba class once a week.

With the Student Bar shut down and only vague promises of a return of the Forum Bar, it will undoubtedly be a quiet year down Heffo’s end of the corridor. With nowhere to run gigs no one wants to go to and no drinks tokens to hand out to Class Reps for their parties since the SU have run out of money, his only real function is to act like an air host, pointing students in the direction of the nearest clubs, while he tries to attract at least one semi-decent act to the UCD Ball so he can call his year a success.

Past achievements of the office include cancelling the UCD Ball for mysterious reasons and managing to live in an office for the year without dying.

The role of Education Officer is to be an exemplar of progress through teaching. Previous holders of the role have been taught how to use cutlery, form two syllable words and use bathrooms effectively. The current officer, Shane Comer, will endeavour to help you with your degree in any way he can, from listening to your questions to telling you that you need to go to your Programme Office to sort it out.

Comer won the post after presenting a typed letter at the election debate, causing the previous officer to crumble in a heap of confusion and weeping.

Now his main responsibility is to show his face on every sub-committee to every working group in existence, so that at Union Council, he can read out a list of meetings he sat quietly at, and sound like his job is a real thing.

Past successes of the office include providing the correct number of pens for exams and almost getting a 24-hour study area.

As the head of Campaigns and Communications, Paddy Guiney will be one of the most visible faces of the SU. The position is traditionally one which SU hacks with no discernible talents run for, in preparation for their presidential campaign. Guiney shows no signs of deviating from this trend.

His salary is paid to ensure that the hard working students of UCD get two or even three anti-fees marches every year. When organising these, the C&C Officer focuses less on how best to effect the Government’s budget cuts and more on how to disguise several thousand drunk students as fairly functional adults, as they shuffle through town mumbling something about their education with their naggins at the ready.

Once Guiney has figured out how to do that, the most stressful part of his year will be choosing what colour the March t-shirts should be.

Past C&C Officers are most proud of managing to create the least usable website of all time, and trying really hard to pass class rep training off as anything more than one giant piss up for hacks in their abundance.

Mícheál Gallagher is a man of mystery. His actions are unknown and his face only marginally less so.

He doesn’t aim to maintain this air of secrecy, it’s more just that he is naturally forgettable. Despite having what medical experts call ‘a face for spying’ and his staunch refusal to wear a name tag, he has nevertheless decided to valiantly fight his nature and enter a career in the public eye.

Whether or not he is successful, only he will remember.

The Welfare Officer’s job is to advise students seeking grants, talk to them about their general happiness and enhance their college experience through this. In reality, this translates to as many free condoms as you can carry.

Previous Welfare Officers have had many successful projects during their reign, including making a website asking people to report how they used their many free condoms, and becoming President of the SU.

Most likely to be heard saying: “Sweet man, sweet.”

Most likely to be heard saying: “Ask your Programme Office”

Most likely to be heard saying: “I have no plans to run for SU President.”

Most likely to be heard saying: “Extra Safe or Featherlite?”

The President rules over the SU with an iron fist and you can’t find a steelier grip than that of current president Rachel Breslin. As President, Rachel’s main responsibility is counting all of the SU’s Nazi gold.

Along with the Union accountants, she has been having difficulties so far this year in completing this simple task, as the Union has recently had to sell all their computers for scrap metal. Now all they are left with is a crude communal abacus.

As President, Rachel plans to open the first Union bank account, thus putting a stop to the Union’s old system: the money pit. The PR nightmare that ensued once the

money pit, which hid the gold and the Ark of the Covenant, was discovered simply was not worth it. The new Student Centre was constructed above the pit, hoping that the giant expense would once and for all satisfy its everlasting lust for waste.

Sadly, this was unsuccessful. On a quiet night you can hear the gentle tinkling sound as it sucks the loose change from everyone’s pockets.

Important as she is, she is above communication by mere calls, texts or emails. Try as you might, good news or bad, she will not reply. If you wish to speak to her, you must perform three tasks. First, you must organise an event of great PR benefit,

be it a fight for gay marriage or cheap meal provisions. Task the second: procure a camera and a microphone, for this may tempt her from her lair.

Finally, pretend to be a bank. Only this will summon the Breslin.

Most likely to be heard saying: “Hi, this is Rachel Breslin, I can’t come to the phone right now...”

Rachel Breslin

President

8

One of the highlights of UCD life is the many clubs and societies. Whether you’re looking to do some basket-weaving or play some tiddlywinks, the Societies Council have probably thrown enough funding at a society to offer not only any activity you might like to partake in, but also to provide you with enough coffee mornings that you’ll never want to see a cup of coffee again.

Almost all of them will be whoring themselves out in the Freshers’ Tent this week, so let us guide you through the highs and lows of UCD’s societies.

LawSoc For a society packed full of law students, the Law Society has had more than its fair share of not-entirely-legal drama. Between forging cheques, dodgy elections, rampant sexism and sudden resignations, becoming heavily involved in this society seems like the best way to ruin your legal career before it has even begun.

Literary & Historical Society Don’t be deceived by the name, the L&H have never even thought about anything related to literature or history, never mind running events to cater for those interests. They only chose to go down the L&H route because ‘Offering Guest Speakers Fake Awards Instead of Paying Speaker Fees Society’ didn’t fit on the membership cards.

MedSoc The Health Science faculty attracts some of the most ambitious of Ireland’s Leaving Certs. students and this doesn’t stop when they get to UCD. Those involved in the Medicine Society aren’t satisfied to simply cover one area of interest for its members; they want to do everything all the other societies are doing too. Whether it’s organising debates, organising rugby tournaments, organising guest speakers, organising balls, organising a run around the city in their underwear, or just generally organising anything they can, they aim to do everything possible in order to stop the medicine students talking to anyone else on campus.

EngSoc In EngSoc, there are right angles, tensions and piling but sadly no women.

Efforts to attract the fairer sex to the society have ended only in failure, however this year’s committee are adamant that the ‘Cooty-free EngSoc’ campaign will help the ladies to overcome their fears. EngSoc has introduced a new policy that welcomes make-up and tall shoes to the Engineering building and they’re hoping this will attract some women or else a new strain of cross-dressing Mechanical Engineers.

College life: UCD Societies Mature Student Soc In the Mature Student Society, crowd control is always their first priority.

With only four front seats available at any of their meetings, fights have been known to break out over those precious places. Topics of discussion include where the best black coffee is available, the dissipated youth and how damn sexy lecture slides can be.

FilmSoc For the first time in UCD’s history, FilmSoc have a real purpose. The opening of the cinema has given them validation, something that they previously lacked. Now all they have to do is choose films to show a couple of days a week, and they can call their year a success. With membership set to at least triple with the allure of free popcorn and movies, FilmSoc is likely to collapse in on itself with the pressure of having more than about four members to cater for. Keep your eyes peeled for movie classics like Battle Royale, the Jungle Book and Battle Royale again.

AgSoc Do not be deceived by that deceptive bale of hay, AgSoc is a modern, cutting age society, more like an installation art piece than a field of grass.

They do not play up on clichés; they believe the Irish language to be dead, barn dances to be passé and county jerseys too antagonistic in the colour spectrum. Misrepresentation hounds these guys, the ‘culchie’ name exists and they acknowledge it, and carry it around with them snuggly between their football boots and their O’Neills trackies in their club’s football bags everyday.

UCD Musical Society UCD MusicalSoc’s greatest lifelong dream is to become Glee. They certainly have the nasal american singing and Broadway-ifying of normal music down. Beware of any sort of college-run event for a surprise attack of an acoustic a capella version of Lady Gaga.

Dramsoc If there is any society that will completely destroy your degree, it’s Dramsoc. Once you start, once you get a taste of that sweet, sweet limelight, the applause from the two, maybe three audience members who also belong to Dramsoc, you are hooked for life. Say goodbye to your GPA and any non-Dramsoc friends you had, your old life is meaningless now.

Gamesoc Do you have more Warhammer figurines than friends? If you answered yes, then Gamesoc is the society for you. Gamesoc dedicate themselves to playing the most in-depth, time consuming and obscure games on the planet, balanced with the odd bit of Pokémon and mock assassination. The minimum rulebook length is 70 pages.

9

If societies don’t float your boat, why not join one of the student media outlets?

With television, radio and newspapers at your disposal, the whole student population can ignore your views, rather than just your mates down the pub.

Guide to Campus Media Belfield FM According to legend, UCD has a radio station, but no one has ever really bothered to verify its existence. All we can describe is the legends that have been passed from student to student. The only thing we know for sure is that if the station does exist, the Belfield FM studio is the one place in UCD where you can have a conversation with no risk of ever being overheard.

The Belfield FM studio was alleged to have been a container that zoological specimens from Skull Island in the Pacific Ocean were shipped in. The oblong canary-coloured box was accidentally left in one of UCD’s car parks where is was clamped several times by over eager clampers.

The builders of the new student centre took a shine to it and decided to incorporate it in the most bizarre way possible.

The Belfield FMers claimed the yellow box insisting that radio is still a legitimate medium for the dispersal of information, and the college authorities were too busy laughing at the ridiculousness of their statements to stop them. They were granted full permission to use the sulphurous coffin on the condition that they pay all the clamping fees it incurred while in storage.

Belfield FM is streamed live from 12pm to 9pm every weekday at www.belfieldfm.ie.

CTN CTN is UCD’s campus television station. This society is famed for producing some gritty real-life documentaries dealing with the most pertinent student issues. Belfield of Dreams was their intensely realistic documentary about autistic students, and it received incredible acclaim from the one critic who ever watched it: “Belfield of Dreams follows a love triangle between three young freshers, each one vying for the other’s attention and being more irritating than the character preceding them.”

Now with its brand new studio in the new Student Centre, you can make a high quality television show, as long as your story takes place in a windowless 3 meters squared box. The production room won’t be able to see what you are doing, but they will have a nice view of the corridor.

CTN’s programmes are available at www.ctn.ie.

The College Tribune The College Tribune is UCD’s sort of independent tabloid newspaper, if you don’t count taking advertisements, light, heat, phone lines, grants to buy computers and an office from the college as making you not totally independent.

They were once known for their bizarrely hyperbolic headlines, with front-page pictures of planes crashing into mountains and helicopters chasing cyclists through campus. In their world of journalism, fact checking was for chumps and truth was only something that was trotted out when it kind of suited them. Now they simply exist.

They have taken an avant-garde approach to journalism this year, with their use of white space representing the meaninglessness of today’s

society. They reflect the futility of trying to categorise the world in a simple 20-page document by placing their few words in the centre of the page, drawing one’s attention to the vast emptiness of the paper, and one’s own life. Their unconventional spelling shows a disregard for societal boundaries, revolting at the bureaucracy of official grammar.

The College Tribune is on campus every second Tuesday, and also at www.collegetribune.ie.

The University Observer A glorious star in the murky darkness of student media, The University Observer dominates the corridors and the library steps. Sometimes slated as The SnObserver, the truth is, it is simply better than you. Paid for by the SU with your not-earned money from your parents, the Observer mostly swans around reporting on important stories like Coke being sold on campus, and then not being sold on campus.

The Observer’s cliquey reputation does not end at its office door; each article is rife with in-jokes and references above the ordinary student. It will take at least two years of degree-compromising work for the paper before you will understand them.

The work is hard and the rewards few. You could get to interview celebrities such as Pixie Lott and LMFAO, or you might just be at home in your pyjamas, desperately trying to finish an long overdue article about a new government policy while scraping a Tayto packet clean with your tongue.

The University Observer is available all around campus every second Tuesday, alternating with The College Tribune, and all the time at www.universityobserver.ie.

10

Living away from Home So the big day has finally arrived. You’ve left your old home in the middle of nowhere, gotten your student card with that ugly photo that you took with your webcam and now it’s time to move into your brand new digs. If you are among those who are living away from home for the first time, consider yourself lucky. Everyone who still lives at home will be jealous of you, and best of all you are no longer under the pesky thumb of your parents. However, it’s important to remember that living away from home for the very first time isn’t all sunshine and naggins, so it is important that you take heed of these fine words of wisdom so you don’t end up a miserable wreck crying under the trees by the secret lake.

P

erhaps the biggest difference about leaving home for college, particularly if you are living on campus, will be sharing a house with roommates. Living with siblings is good practice, but these people could be serial killers for all you know. Still, you’re going to be living with them for a whole year, so making the effort to get to know them will pay off and make your college experience that much better. It’s possible that you may not get along so well with some of your roommates, so you will have to know what to do in this situation also. Since you would go to prison for murder (which would be awful because you would miss so many nights out in town), you’ll have to come up with more creative ways of expressing your anger. If they have left the kitchen untidy one too many times, just steal their pens; it’s the ultimate act of revenge and they’ll be shaking

in their boots when it comes to exam time. If having no morals isn’t your thing, you can always come to a compromise and try to work out your differences. If that doesn’t work, just avoid everyone and pretend you live alone in a building with a ghost problem.

The most annoying thing about having your own place is having to do things for yourself. Whoever said it would make you feel independent and self-reliant was an idiot: it just makes you tired. Cooking may seem daunting at first, but even if you are no Gordon Ramsey, you can just stick to the basics like noodles and pasta for a while until your pathetic whimpers and worsening symptoms of scurvey mean your mum provides you with a full week of cooked dinner’s every time you visit.

Starvation really isn’t bad for what you get in return: freedom. You will be able to do whatever you want for

the most part. If the RAs on campus become an issue, just knock them unconscious when they come to your door and dispose of the body quickly before they get a chance to report back to headquarters. Living on campus is means you can stumble into class five minutes before your lecture, still hungover and if you’re living in town, you will not even have to pay for a taxi to Dicey’s on Black Monday. You may not remember a large chunk of your first year living away from home due to vodkainduced early-onset Alzheimers, but chances are that come the end of the year, moving back home for the summer will seem like a prison sentence.

Enjoy it while it lasts, and try not to kill yourself in yet another attempt at feeding yourself at 4am after a night out. Cooking is hard enough for you sober, and the RAs really don’t appreciate when apartments go on fire.

11 BELGROVE Oh, lucky you, landing in Belgrove. We can only assume it wasn’t your choice, but a decision forced on you when the Res registration system crashed a hundred times while you tried to throw an extortionate amount of money at it, just so you could live anywhere else.

No one ever chooses Belgrove. They call it Belgrade for a reason.

Don’t expect everything in your apartment to be anything but broken for the entire year you’re there, and if you had planned on sleeping even for just a night during term, you may ROEBUCK I AND II Due to the higher cost of the Roebuck houses, there is sometimes the impression that residents there are posher or live a cushier lifestyle than those of the residences. Don’t be fooled however, if we have learned only one thing from Keeping Up With The Kardashians (and that is the maximum number of things one could learn from that show), it’s that wealth and privilege don’t make you pleasant person to live with.

The major downfall of this res is the number of people in each apartment. While the others feature three or four people per flat, allowing all to get to know one another, and maintain some awareness of who is responsible for the various dirty dishes, cigarette burns and piles of empty cans that are an inevitable feature of any student living space. Roebuck I and II MERVILLE Ever got the feeling that maybe your parents were lying to you when they told you that you were special? Or maybe when they said you were unique they were just trying to boost your low self-esteem? If you answered yes to either of those questions, Merville (or Middle-of-the-road-ville) is the place for you. In other words, you are completely and utterly ordinary. Merville is where you lay your hat if you have too much self-respect to live in Belgrove, but you’re still not classy enough for Roebuck.

Getting hit in the face with a GLENOMENA Welcome to Glenomena, UCD residences’ bastion of middle class luxury and comfort. You’ve made it to UCD and you’ve decided to forego the stereotypical run-down student gaff.

Believe it or not you’re now calling UCD’s most populous residence home.

That means all kinds of everything can be expected and that you’re never far from the craic or a new BFF. Yes, your apartment has more in common with a doctor’s surgery than a home, but who cares? You’ve got an en-suite and you’re finally away from the parentals. Gone are the mornings waiting for the shower only to

think again. If anyone on campus is looking for a party, Belgrove is where they’ll find it, and it seems the RAs there have simply given up on ever restoring any sort of order to the place.

On the plus side, you’re one of the few residences allowed the privilege of having an oven in your apartment, though this is about the only positive.

The paper thin walls will make it seem more like you’re staying in a brothel than calling it home, your bathroom won’t have windows, and it’s the only residence where you may have to share a bedroom. Eh, good luck?

have six and twelve students respectively. Not only does this effectively eliminate the possibility of knowing all the people you live with, it guarantees a living area overrun with rubbish that no one claims ownership of and stacks of dishes so mouldy that it’s illegal to clean them under the Geneva Conventions.

The set up inside the Roebucks is also designed to encourage isolation for new students. Roebuck II is especially bad, as not only are there separate bathrooms for each student, but the kitchen, sitting room and study room are each too small to fit twelve people at once, making even an introductory house meeting impossible.

Combine that with the catered meals, and you’ll soon realise any one of the people in your flat could die in their room and they wouldn’t be found until the library fees incurred became UCD’s main source of income. football, frisbee or occasionally a bowling ball will become a regular occurrence for you, as you will soon realise that everyone who even remotely enjoys playing sport will flock into the Merville squares to play, and since you’re an innocent fresher, your head will be their first target.

Let’s get real, though: the best thing about living in Merville is that the walk to Centra for a breakfast roll when you’re hungover is that much shorter, and when it comes to oncampus accommodation, what more can you really ask for?

be greeted by freezing water. It’s Glenomena, you’re getting the best.

Walking up and down stairs isn’t for you luckily you can expect Schindler’s lifts (they’re really called that) to get you home, assuming they’re not broken. Don’t fret, the trips will give you time to think of new ways to make an eejit of yourself the next time you see that gorgeous individual across the hall.

You’ll make some great memories in the Glen and some friends for life, not to mention the scars you’ll be left with having tried to hop the gate one too many times. It’s a pretty sweet place to live and don’t forget; “Don’t shit where you eat.”

Sex and Relationships FAQ

12 As a proud God-fearing nation, the Irish were once suitably ashamed of premarital sex, constantly living in a healthy amount of fear of burning in Hell for all eternity. However, in an unfortunate blow to decency and self-respect, recent statistics have shown that the youth of today are fornicating in record amounts with or without the consent of the Lord Almighty.

This regrettable development may be due to the influence of popular music, such as the recent chart topper, “I’m bored of talking to you, my genitals require attention”. Perhaps computer games are to blame, with the blatant phallic imagery of Tetris or the unnecessarily provocative bow worn by Mrs Pac-man. Whoever’s at fault (and someone’s definitely at fault), premarital sex is not a passing fad like yo-yos or Pokémon cards. It is a new and confusing development that epitomises society’s decline into a disgusting orgy of filth.

With this in mind, here are some frequently asked questions:

Q A

Q A Q A

I was super shy in secondary school but, gee whizz, I think having a boyfriend would be just swell. My best friend Brad, the captain of the Superbowl team, keeps complimenting my choice of packed lunches. Is he sexually attracted to me?

UCD is one of the least romantic settings for coitus so the chances of finding a mate are significantly lowered during your time here. This being said, it has been known to occur so it is worth investigating if this horrible sounding Brad fellow is interested. A good way of going about this is text flirting, the modern equivalent of having the confidence to talk to another human being in real life. If you are interested in this particular male how about sending him a mildly suggestive text such as ‘I am ready for intercourse. Do you comply?’ If this does not work perhaps your personality is objectively unappealing.

However, there is still hope away from UCD. One of the more obvious mating grounds is the local dance club, a room full of youths practicing sexual gestures to the rhythmic beat of indecipherable noise while fully or partially clothed. Be aware that the men here are the least evolved form of the gender and enjoy triumphantly displaying their insecurities by punching each other in a game they call ‘Why didn’t my father hug me when I was a child?’ The safer and clearly superior option for finding a loyal companion is church on a Sunday morning where you can strike up a saucy conversation about how much guilt you feel for existing.

I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me. Whenever I catch him in bed with other women he claims they’re looking for the TV remote but I don’t believe him because we don’t own a television. What should I do?

You should always have faith in your significant other. If he says he’s not cheating on you then maybe he’s not. Apart from in this case where of course he is and you’d be a fool to think otherwise. My recommendation would be that every time you leave the house replace your bed with thousands of mousetraps stacked on top of each other. If he decides to tarnish your relationship while you’re out he’ll no doubt get caught in your hilarious prank. Then you can bond over how clever a trick you played on him and get married and have children. Crisis averted.

Boy howdy, there’s just so many different forms of contraception to choose from, it’s enough to make your head spin like a record set to an RPM that is too fast for that particular record. Could you please explain the various differences?

Contraception is a requirement in modern society because not everyone wants to create a little tiny human every time they have sex. Though childbirth is the primary aim of intercourse, it has increasingly become popular opinion that some people engage in the act for pleasure. The level of enjoyment sex provides has been compared to winning a challenging game of Monopoly while simultaneously eating a very tasty bun. This is not the case with all mammals; the only creatures that engage in sex for satisfaction are humans and dolphins (not with each other.

Such activity on campus will result in the loss of your student card).

One of many contraceptive devices is known as the condom, which is the Latin phrase for ‘dick shield’. It is the most popular form of contraception because of its dual function: firstly, preventing a couple from creating baby folk. Secondly, unused condoms double up as decorative balloons to celebrate the non-birthdays of the children they didn’t have. Another popular form of contraception is ‘the pill’. This tablet is the first example we have of genuine magic and is thought to give women the ability to fly, though this has never been proven or tested.

UCD Campus: True or False 13

1

There is a series of secret underground tunnels and passages linking campus buildings in UCD. True. But they are mostly steam tunnels built for maintenance reasons, and not actually a secret.

Mainly dark, damp and infested, don’t let anyone convince you during Fresher’s Week that they lead to a Shrieking Shack out on Nova Campus where Hugh Brady’s long-lost brother Alberforth Brady resides.

See above.

7

True. As part of the 1999 MTV Music Awards taking place in the Point, Dublin, Dexter and Noodles of the acclaimed California punk-rock group had a wander around UCD Campus with acoustic guitars and a filming crew and had a sing-a-long of Britney Spears and Ronan Keating hits by the lake with some students. Dexter also took a slash in the lake, while filming. There was no fine.

Law Soc are now into their 102nd session.

2 3 4

5 6

Technically False. The Law Society was founded in 1911 under the moniker ‘Legal & Economic Society’, but did not run for 102 consecutive sessions, owing to trivial issues like the Civil War and the War of Independence getting in the way of regular sessions in the ‘20s. It was cemented as the Law Soc we know in 1935

8

The fine for any student or staff member who jumps into the lake is €1000, in addition to an obligatory tetanus shot.

False. The fine is €50, and campus rules and regulations make no specifications over your subsequent health and or safety. If someone gives you 50 quid to jump in the lake, you’ll break even.

The style of architecture on UCD’s Campus is known as ‘Brutalism’.

9

True. Brutal by name, brutal by physical nature – the oppressive block concrete style of main campus buildings was popularised in the 1960s by the modernist architectural movement. So popular was this style that both the restaurant building and the Tierney building were recipients of the RIAI Gold Medal in Irish Architecture for the years 1968 and 1971 respectively, literally cementing Brutalism as the peoples’ choice.

If your name is James Joyce, you automatically receive an honorary life membership to the James Joyce Library. For Life.

False. Obviously. But you’re welcome to try it out if you’re man enough.

If you touch any of the Swans residing in the UCD Lake, you risk automatic expulsion.

The Offspring once filmed a secret gig by the UCD lake where they covered Ronan Keating’s ‘When You Say Nothing At All’.

10

The National College of Art and Design (NCAD) Student’s Union once held a protest in the UCD lake that was held afloat by their own handmade raft.

True. In response to plans that NCAD would be relocated to UCD campus in 2006, a faction from their SU launched an unofficial ‘FUCD’ campaign, localised entirely in the UCD lake.

Four years later, there’s no sign of an Art school on campus. Representatives from the NCAD ‘FUCD’ Campaign consider the great lake protest of ‘06 to be the reason for this ‘victory’.

In the late 1980s, the UCD Student Bar dominated the Dublin Rave Scene as the epicentre of Rave.

True. The SU of 1987 began hosting rave nights in the bar, and Friday nights soon became known as ‘Unlimited Freak Out’ (UFO), going down in history amongst Belfield revellers, and Dublin rave aficionados. All accounts of the Rave Epoch are resoundingly positive, which may be attributed somewhat to the drug-tinted glasses worn by the nostalgic past pupils who are now our parents, but we can only hope that they speak the hilarious truth.

The lake and the steps around the concourse were put in place to stop student’s congregating and rioting.

False. While a popular folk tale around UCD, the lake is actually there for much less glamorous purpose of providing a large body of water near the chemistry building should there be any accidents. The steps are there because UCD is built on a hill. Preventing riots has never been necessary in UCD due to the overwhelming apathy of the student body.

Between actual fact and plain messin’, there’s an ­archive of things that people will tell you during Fresher’s Week. Know your game in UCD facts, and avoid being a chump.

14

What kind of student are you?

Which elective did you choose?

Intro to Massage

s

die

e

om W

What do you want from societies?

ar

ry

cm lA dv an

h tc

t Lake

Fave book? s Perk

Do you see yourself leaving college anytime soon?

The Secre

il

So

ld

nc

cia

Go

e the libra

Du

ou nC

nio

ak outsid

Fave hangout place?

ee Fr

U st

Fir

Smoke bre

ing

en t

Perfect first date?

Cr ea tiv eW rit

The B

u St n’s

e of B

Fa ce b

No

A

Slob

Yo u ex r co ot lle ic ct ins ion ec o ts f

ne Di rt Ha rc ou

Ed iti Ar ng W tic les iki

ra

ab

ers p p o C

o

ad n o i c fi

er Myst

d ee W

b ke ra

N lU

de

Hack

Ab

r

Post night-out food What’s that wierd smell of choice? coming from your room?

Mo

PhD e r u Fut

wer allflo aW

oo

k

ing

s Ye

What was your favorite extra-curricular activity in school?

e

at m o o yR

t

ou Drop

15 Congratulations! You’ve decided to hang up your UCD scarf and call it a day. Your reasoning is unimportant: you may have made irreparable damage to your reputation in your inaugural class night out in orientation week, or maybe you just didn’t get the course you wanted because one of your friends fraped your CAO form during the ‘Change of Mind’ window.

It no longer matters; you now follow in the footsteps of many of the world’s greatest minds in your noble and honourable decision to quit. Among them are Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, who incidentally, are all heroes of their time.

So don’t let anyone tell you that you’re making a mistake. The best year of your life now awaits you, here’s how to make it count:

UO

Guide to Dropping Out

How being a quitter can make first year the best year of your life!

Stock up on all the free stuff being given out during Freshers’ Week before you go.

All of these things will be essential for your new life of being a waster, and high on the list is Pot Noodle and microwavable rice. In the same fashion that animals will squirrel away foodstuffs for the winter and whip them out for a mid-hibernation snack, so will you. Except it’ll be between FIFA matches instead of prolonged states of metabolic depression. Additionally, all the discount cards and vouchers will give you the best of both worlds: student concessions without the student workload. Win-win.

Go on the Dole.

Because you can. This is a tried and tested rite of passage for all drop-outs. Yes, you’ll have to get up in the morning to sign on, but it’ll be worth the few bob. Not like those chumps in college, getting no monetary return for their efforts. Like crowd-surfing or pier-jumping, this is something that everyone should try once.

Deal with the undying wrath of the UCD Administration System.

As you get ready to embark upon a year of endless fee-reclaiming disputes, now is the time to scope out your one true enemy: UCD Admin. In dealing with them, you will have to get past a series of obstacles that are reminiscent of the harrowing mind games set out by Criminal Minds’ finest. There is never any winner, there is only pain. Every person/desk you consult for help will invariably send you to another person/desk. Anyone you’ll ever need to see in person will be perpetually out-of-office. The signing of the most menial form will require mass synchronicity of multiple faculties across campus, and if you wish to keep your student card after withdrawing from your course you must defeat LibroCop in a fight to the death. Good luck.

Pretend to be an expert in the thing you dropped out of.

Nothing impresses people at parties more than faux-knowledge. If they don’t have an iPhone, you can make them believe anything. Drop a few key terms that you picked up in your first and only three lectures, and get away with looking like you’re world-wise. That is the real life-lesson that college teaches you: making it look as though you learned something, when you never really did.

Look for a Job. ...but never successfully get a job. Just tweet about the pains of ‘the job-hunt’, and then give up.

Replace the plans for a job with plans to travel, because the world is your oyster and this can be your gap year and you can do anything you want. Then give up on those plans too and eventually settle on pissing away the next eight months on facebook until you decide to reapply to college next year.

Continue to be a prominent member in the Club/Society of your choosing.

Because no one really cares if you’re not actually in the college anymore. It’s likely that no one will ever even question you, and if they do, tell them you’ve just deferred and you’re on your gap yah. Take the opportunity to become a big wheel, and ultimately auditor and/or captain. Everyone knows that all the best Auditors are secretly not in UCD anymore anyway. [citation needed] Throw a Drop-Out Party.

Fulfil every cliché of college drop-outs ever set out by Hollywood stereotypes and throw a filthy massive party. Ideally it should coincide with Freshers’ Fest, to show your new mates that there is more to life than Traffic Light Balls, foam parties and getting the shift.

Hang around Campus looking cool for the remainder of the year.

Because we’d hate to see you go.