OLI SHAWYER

I have more conversations inside my head even though there is more reason than ever to talk out loud with others.

As I write this, a calendar notification has just reminded me of the mental health and wellbeing session I’d registered interest in attending. I’m pretty good like that – intention wise. I see something that I know would be beneficial to helping me manage my own mental health, but then quite often fail to follow through with. I’ve done the same thing for well over a decade now. Since I was first diagnosed with extremely severe depression and anxiety. Even though I know those things I intend to do, actually work!

But the hard reality is that I’m tired, although I’m doing less. I lack motivation, even though there is so much to fight for. I have more conversations inside my head even though there is more reason than ever to talk out loud with others. And yes, I cry… a lot. No specific time, trigger, or rationale.

Just many moments of complete vulnerability where I can’t keep it ‘together’ any more. Often in the garage, but also often in front of my little boy because I want him to know it’s OK to be upset.

For me, what makes this challenging time just a case of separate, fleeting passes, rather than all-consuming, bed-ridden and badbad-thinking depression that I’ve battled with for a huge chunk of my life, is the forcing of myself to get back to doing what I know works for me. As tired as I am, as unmotivated as I am… as stressed, anxious, and as nervous as I am… I continue to work at throwing myself at the tried and tested. Force myself to exercise. To pick up the phone and talk to people (which I hate so much). To meditate. Force myself permission to switch off with PlayStation or TV and have a fucking break. To stop and breathe. To be OK with not being able to control it all and to realise that there are still many ways to enjoy our today. Admittedly, I don’t win this battle every day, but I keep plugging away. As my ‘mentor’ David Brent says, “when you’re facing the right direction, just keep walking”.

Jokes aside, it is a tough fucking time, for everyone. Lots of challenges. Some of which are new for some, some of which are old for others. What works for me will not work for everyone, but there will be fewer more important times than now to be kind, forgiving and patient with yourself…nothing is ever permanent.

OLI SHAWYER

GROWTH MARKETING MANAGER AT AFL AND FOUNDER AT SPORTEGY