LAW OFFICE OF
OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
What Children
UNDERSTAND ABOUT DIVORCE AN AGE-BY-AGE GUIDE
ASHLEY OPFER, ESQ. O P F E R | C A M P B E L L P.C .
PG 1
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OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
PG 2
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OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
INTRODUCTION Divorce is hard on children, no matter their age. But many parents wonder what role age plays in a child’s reaction to divorce. Will your child respond differently? Are there specific warning signs that should be looked for? As a parent, it is your job to help your child through the transitions that accompany divorce and at the same time protect them from any unnecessary pain. The following outlines the age-by-age stages of child development to assist parents in identifying the perplexing behaviors that children may be presenting during a divorce. PG 3
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE | 0-18 MONTHS There is a misconception that infants are too young to understand much and therefore cannot feel the tense atmosphere that often results from an impending divorce. This is far from true. Infants need to form trusting bonds with both parents. Failing to provide a nurturing environment for the infant may harm their development.
At this age, a child:
DDIs completely dependent on parent for care.
DDMirrors parents emotions
(Becomes upset when parents do).
DDCan understand more about their DDExpresses anxiety when left with environment than they express.
PG 4
strangers.
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OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
Divorce in your family means many things will change, but one thing that never changes is your parents’ love for you. - DINOSAURS DIVORCE PG 5
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QUICK TIPS
LL Infants need predictable
routines. Develop and maintain a daily routine by eating when they are used to and following a regular sleep schedule.
LL If the divorce is an
amiable one, both parents can co-operate to come up with a routine for their child to follow.
LL Keep their favorite toys
close by to help them see that some things remain unchanged even after the divorce.
PG 6
LL Be affectionate towards
them. Offer physical comfort, holding, cuddling.
LL Child Development
experts recommend selecting a primary residence that the child will stay at, but letting the nonresidential parent have frequent visits.
LL If parents choose for
the child to stay at both parent’s residences, work to maintain consistency of the child’s routine in both houses.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 0 - 18 MO
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HOW YOUR IS CHILD ADJUSTING? FF Read children’s books about divorce together. FF Use his or her favorite book to identify feelings and give them names. So that they can start building a vocabulary to communicate with you later. FF Assure the child that they are not responsible for the divorce. FF Look for attention seeking behavior. FF Be on the lookout for regressive behavior.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 0 - 18 MO
PG 7
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE | 18 MO - 3 YRS At this stage, your child will start exploring their independence a little more. Often referred to as the ‘terrible twos’, this is a time that children will test their parents’ patience, which can be exacerbated if a divorce is pending.
At this age, a child:
DDIs just starting to become
DDIs able to better express
DDBecomes more demanding.
DDIs afraid or nervous
more independent.
PG 8
some of their feelings.
around conflict.
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“I love Daddy. And I love Mommy. No matter where I am. We love you, Alex. We love you wherever we are. And we love you wherever you are.” - TWO HOMES PG 9
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QUICK TIPS
LL Easing your child through the transition will mean handling the divorce in a positive way. Your child can gauge your attitudes towards each other, and can tell if you are hiding something from them.
LL Toddlers still need a stable routine, so be sure to maintain one. Routines, if maintained with a parent who they will be staying with, can anchor the child.
LL Reassure them by being
Be sure to provide them with positive attention, but maintain rules and limits. Be consistent with follow-through.
LL Overnight stays will
become easier and may be phased in gradually with the nonresidential parent. However, at this age, you can expect to see some transition problems in moving between homes.
consistent when it comes to caring for them.
PG 10
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 18 MO - 3 YRS
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HOW YOUR IS CHILD ADJUSTING? FF Read children’s books about divorce with them. FF Have discussions with them about their feelings. FF Assure the child that they are not responsible for the divorce. FF Be careful to distinguish typical and atypical toddler behavior. There will often be more than one behavior change, if the child is responding negatively to the divorce. Seeking outside opinions on their behavior can help to identify if the divorce is causing them to act out. FF Look out for regressive behavior.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 18 MO - 3 YRS
PG 11
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE | 3-5 YEARS At the preschool stage, children are continuing to build their independence and expressing themselves. Girls and boys may show different behaviors if they are experiencing anger in response to the divorce. Boys may become louder and restless. Girls may start to be concerned with having very good behavior and may scold other children, trying to act like an adult. Both genders may become moody, aggressive or withdrawn.
At this age, a child:
DDIs developing an inner
DDHas friends and relationships
DDIs able to talk about
DDPossibly places blame on a
sense of security.
their feelings.
PG 12
outside of their home.
parent for the divorce.
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Now I understand that even though my parents forgot how to be friends, it doesn’t mean they don’t love me or that they stop being my parents. ...We’re not all together, but we all seem happier. - WHEN MY PARENTS FORGOT HOW TO BE FRIENDS. PG 13
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QUICK TIPS
LL You can help your child
through this difficult time by rebuilding their self-esteem and feeling of security. Be sure to provide them with both verbal and physical reassurance.
LL Expect to be blamed for
the separation. No matter which parent they blame, they will let the person know that they are being mean or selfish.
LL Have discussions with your child about their feelings. Give them permission to fully
PG 14
express themselves, and then calmly help them work through the feelings.
LL Your child may experience nightmares, and have trouble distinguishing reality and fantasy. Be sure to provide a safe space for them to discuss their fears and experiences.
LL Again, routine and
consistency is important. Maintaining routine and consistency throughout households will create predictable environments and help children to feel stable.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 3 - 5 YRS
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HOW YOUR IS CHILD ADJUSTING? FF Read children’s books about divorce with them. FF Encourage your child to open up, so you can see how much they understand. FF Talk about any feelings of abandonment they might have. FF Keep emphasizing that the divorce was not their fault. FF Look out for violent, withdrawn or regressive behavior.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 3 - 5 YRS
PG 15
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE | 5-11 YEARS Child development experts say that this age group generally has the hardest time coping with divorce. If the father moves out, boys can take the divorce extremely hard because they are losing a constant male role model. Both boys and girls will feel rejected by the departing parent which can cause them to have low selfesteem and feel unlovable and rejected.
At this age, a child:
DDIs significantly growing in
DDIs better able to
DDIs very concerned
DDDiscusses what they are feeling
social and academic skills.
about family.
PG 16
understand divorce and the issues related to it.
and asks for clarification to increase their understanding.
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Children have a right to express their feelings, even if those feelings are painful for their parents to hear. - CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
PG 17
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QUICK TIPS
LL Continue to provide
stability to the child’s family and home life through routines and structure. This is important because the family is the child’s anchor as they grow and explore the world more.
LL The child needs a safe
place where feelings are accepted and where they can openly express themselves. Do not place
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the child in the middle of a power struggle with your ex.
LL The child may try to
reconcile you and your ex, in hopes of mending the family. Be sure to remind them that they are loved and cared for, and they will not be abandoned and support them in maintaining a relationship with the other parent.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 5 - 11 YRS
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OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
HOW YOUR IS CHILD ADJUSTING? FF Keep the lines of communication open, so that you can be aware of any emotional problems as soon as they develop. FF Talk about any feelings of abandonment they might have. FF Watch how their relationships outside of the family are developing.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 5 - 11 YRS
PG 19
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE | 11-14 YEARS During this stage a child may express anger towards both parents, and have trouble in other relationships external to the family. Boys may resist discipline while girls may become more withdrawn or try to be ‘perfect’. Both fear what may happen to them in the future because they feel powerless to change their situation.
At this age, a child:
DDIs concerned about school and social life.
DDBegins to emotionally distance
themselves from their parents.
PG 20
DDHas better understanding
about adult relationships and likewise divorce.
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“So I guess I’ll be kind of like a robin, with two places to live.” “Kind of,” my mom said. “And you’ll be loved wherever you are.” - I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT PG 21
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QUICK TIPS
LL Do not bad mouth the
other parent in front of the child. During this stage, a child can easily be persuaded to side with one parent over the other. This can lead to broken relationships between the child and the other parent. Give the child permission to love both parents.
LL Provide a stable routine
LL Maintain conversations
with the child, so they know you care about what they think. Help them to realize that they are not powerless in this situation.
LL Be aware of your child’s health. They may complain of stomach aches or headaches.
that the child can rely on. Prioritize the child’s needs when coming up with a parenting plan.
PG 22
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 11 - 14 YRS
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OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
HOW YOUR IS CHILD ADJUSTING? FF Talk to them, even if it seems they do not want to talk. A conversation will help you get a better idea of how much they understand. FF Watch for more aggressive or conversely withdrawn behavior. FF Look for an increase in physical health complaints.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 11 - 14 YRS
PG 23
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DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE | 14-18 YEARS Adolescents may react in many different ways to a divorce. They sometimes deal with the divorce better than younger children because they are becoming more independent from their families. Some adolescents feel betrayed by the break-up and become angry or depressed and withdraw from family and friends.
At this age, a child:
DDNeeds a continued love and
DDIs not yet fully
DDHas abstract thinking skills.
DDContinues to withdraw
support from both parents.
PG 24
emotionally mature
emotionally from the family, getting ready to live more independently.
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Children have a right to be children, free from involvement in the adult world of conflict and or/divorce. - CHILDREN’S BILL OF RIGHTS
PG 25
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QUICK TIPS
LL Maintain open
conversations with your child. Let them express their feelings. However, at this stage, the child may be more concerned with growing in their life. It is okay if they are not overly concerned with the divorce.
LL Instead of trying to
become their friend, remain their parent. Your teenager will need standards to be set when it comes to respect, chores, manners, etc.
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LL Help them become
more resilient by being so yourself. Show them how they should accept the change and use it in a constructive manner in their life.
LL If they are taking the
divorce especially hard, look for harmful behaviors like withdrawing from friendships and drug-use. Encourage them that they will be okay, and that they still have a bright future. Get professional help if necessary.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 14 - 18 YRS
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HOW YOUR IS CHILD ADJUSTING? FF Maintain open conversations with your child. Discuss their feelings. FF Look for withdrawing behavior, but be careful to distinguish normal emotional distancing from the family because of growing independence from unhealthy withdrawal. FF Watch out for drug use.
D E V E LO P M E N TA L S TAG E
| 14 - 18 YRS
PG 27
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CONCLUSION Guiding your child through the many transitions and changes that occur during a divorce is not always an easy process. Being able to understand beforehand how your child may respond, and what warning signs to look for that your child may be suffering, will help you form a plan to better adjust the child to the new normal. Child development experts say that there are two factors that cause the most damage to a child during a divorce. They are, the amount of conflict there is between the parents, and triangulating behaviors, which place the child in between the parents. Regardless of your child’s age, be sure to keep those factors to a minimum.
PG 28
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As much as possible maintain a civil relationship with the other parent. Think of your relationship with your ex-partner as a business relationship and your job is maintaining the health and wellbeing of your child together. Overall make sure that your focus is on the wellbeing of the child. Make sure that your child receives the unconditional love, structure and freedom from conflict that they deserve. Finally, it is always a good idea to consult with a counselor or therapist for your child, no matter your child’s age. Giving your child a safe space to discuss their feelings with a trained professional other than the child’s parents will allow the child to work through any issues they are having without having to worry about hurting a parent’s feelings. PG 29
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PG 30
MEET ASHLEY M. OPFER, ESQ. Ashley Mae Opfer graduated cum laude from Luther College in Decorah, Iowa in 2008 receiving her B.A. in theatre, dance and education. While completing her student teaching experience in Minneapolis, Minnesota she witnessed many of her students and their parents struggling with legal issues. She determined that she could not help her students or their families with the significant issues they faced each and every day as a teacher and, so, she made the decision to attend law school in order to be an attorney to advocate for children and families. Ashley received her Juris Doctorate from the University of Denver, Sturm College of Law in May of 2012 and was admitted to practice law in Colorado the same year. Ashley believes that family law and domestic issues should be handled in such a way that allows children to thrive, parents to work together in the best interest of their children, and lives to be divided with understanding, empathy and fairness. Outside of the practice of law, Ashley is married, has two children and a sheltie. Ashley is a Colorado native and enjoys snowboarding, camping, hiking, bike riding and otherwise taking advantage of the beautiful landscape and exciting adventures Colorado has to offer. PG 31
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OPFER CAMPBELL P.C. ATTORNEYS AT LAW
Opfer | Campbell P.C. | Parker Station | 19751 E Mainstreet, Suite 357 Parker, CO 80138 | Telephone: (303) 791-0995 PG 32