January 2018 | Urbanicity Hamilton

I battle (Fill in the Blank)

mom with mental illness

A Home of One’s Own

The Lost Soul

Opening the conversation and eliminating fears

A housing solution for mental health consumer-survivors

Managing my depression, mood swings, and volatile behaviour

The journey to motherhood and the looming worries

C O M P L I M E N TA R Y

Freeing the Unknown

J a n u a r y 2 0 1 8 / t h e m e n ta l h e a l t h i s s u e

#urbanicityMentalHealth

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Happy new year and A MESSAGE FROM

the editor in chief

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I

g r e w up with obsessive, unwanted and intrusive thoughts. To counteract these unwanted thoughts and images that flashed through my brain at lightning pace, I developed certain compulsions that “helped” me cope. Repetitive sentences that I forced myself to say in my mind over and over again, certain facial ticks that I could only stop once it felt right, and constantly carrying around an overwhelming sense of guilt that I was some sort of terrible human who should be locked away.

I battle OCD and for the most part I WIN! My OCD is mainly obsession based and often referred to as Pure O. Growing up, I knew there was something going on. It wasn’t until I spent a summer on the internet taking every mental health quiz possible that I stumbled upon OCD. I had never scored so high on a test in my life. The relief that there was a reason for my thoughts

was momentary, as in true obsessive compulsive form, I told myself that this was a good excuse but that I was truly just a terrible person.

It wasn’t until I was 19 that I finally cracked and went to see my doctor. She confirmed that I was showing signs of anxiety and OCD but that she thought I would be just fine so long as I continued to be open, honest and educated about my struggles. She now refers to me as one of her most educated anxiety patients and smiles at how easily I can share my deepest fears, which a lot of people are too ashamed and afraid to do.

Being educated is a powerful tool. Understanding that I have OCD and that it makes me think things that I don’t want to gives me the power I need to push it aside and even appreciate it to a certain extent. Having anxiety has made me a better and stronger person. When I am down, I am down. I feel pain deeply, heavily and passionately, but when I am happy, I am over the moon and trembling with excitement.

I created the mental health issue because I want to open the conversation and change the way we think about mental illness.

This issue is filled with personal stories, struggles and different organizations in the Hamilton area that are here to help those in need. I want readers to be educated when it comes to mental health and I want people to feel comfortable talking about their struggles. I want to fight for mental health to be recognized and not to be stigmatized.

I want next year’s editorial to be easier to write and not leave me fearing judgmental reactions.

So here is to urbanicity’s first annual Mental Health Issue. Please fill out the blank space on the front cover and share your Mental Health story on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter using #urbanicityMentalHealth.

Just another anxious human, Just another anxious human, Just another, Andrea Fernandes

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January 2018

E x periences

Freeing the Unknown Opening the conversation and eliminating fears

Pictured above, Sherry Avadiev (left) and sister, Lisa Benshabat (right) Photo provided by SHERRY AVADIEV

My family's experiences with mental illness over the past decade have left me with a number of learned lessons and deeper understandings around the elusiveness of mental health. One truth that I learned early on is that mental illness' greatest obstacle is its intangible quality. In comparison to physical illnesses, which can be seen through scans, and for which a point of origin or cause can often be identified, mental illness is almost ethereal in that no one can point to the physical space it resides in or even identify why or how the illness was caused. There is a lot of unknown when it comes to the brain, and because we all naturally fear the unknown, it is hard to deny that this is the reason for the stigmatization of mental illness.

I watched this observation unfold as my family and I simultaneously supported my sister's battle with schizoaffective disorder and my father's battle with stage 4 nasopharyngeal carcinoma cancer.

The ways that our family and friends engaged with each of their illnesses was very different; conversations about my sister were sparse and strained, where the conversations around my father were empathetic and actively supportive. I can only chalk this up to the fact that the unknowns of my sister's illness made people incredibly uncomfortable, but the familiarity of words like "tumour" and "cancer" gave people a sense of comfort in having conversations about him. This is not an observation that I make to shame the different responses; rather, it is an observation that has made me realize that there is a major gap in how our society approaches mental illness.

The truth is that we do not talk about mental illness enough, and that is what affixes it in the unknown. This realization is what has inspired me to share both mine and my sister's struggles with mental illness.

My experience with mental illness began in the winter of 2007 when my sister was hospitalized, and soon after diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, a mental illness that shares symptoms with schizophrenia and bipolar. On that cold day in 2007, the illogical thoughts that she was asserting, the scars on her arms that she finally shared, and the almost vacant look in her eyes caused me and my family to realize that my sister's mental health needed immediate medical attention. Admitting her to the hospital and watching her during this period was utterly heartbreaking; my sister spiralled into a stranger that I had to somehow reconcile as being the same girl I had grown up with, bonded with and loved more than anyone, even though there were very few remnants of that girl in this stranger.

During this gruelling time, we came together as a family unit, visiting the hospital every day so that my beautiful sister would know that she was not alone. Without any 'cure', we advocated for her as doctors tried countless cocktails of medications that were accompanied by unimaginable side effects. As we pushed through, we eventually found a mix of medications that we could all live with. It wasn't a perfect solution, but it let my sister return to a semblance

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I knew all he wanted to do was help.

The anguish that was piling up started to turn physical for me; I missed my periods, my chest felt as if it was being crushed by a 200 pound weight, and I started to realize that I was always sad. of normalcy. While the years that followed can only be described as a roller coaster, my sister was able adjust back into life, successfully pursue her academic passions, and navigate the world without anyone on the outside being the wiser of the calamity she and our family had endured. We did all that we could to support her by proactively curbing any low periods by spending time listening to and validating feelings and emotions. Somehow, we all managed. The unknown soon became our familiar, as we got used to the ups and downs of her mental illness. While we all acclimatized, my sister would often lament over not feeling fully understood, and truly, she was right. No one could possibly understand the power of her pain, and imagining how lonely that must have felt was heartbreaking.

In addition to my sister's concerns about how friends, potential partners, or future employers would judge all that came with having a mental illness, she also suffered from very real stigmas within the medical world. In addition to being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, she suffered from an awful physical condition called interstitial cystitis, or bladder pain syndrome, which also has no-known-cure.

Because her medical records had her labelled as schizoaffective, her complaints about chronic pain in her bladder were continually branded by doctors as "being in her head." She felt as though she would forever be plagued by this pain because her label meant that no doctor would ever take her seriously, and I felt as though their

responses affirmed the infiltrating power of the fear of the unknown.

After years of trying to remain hopeful, her precarious mental health, her ongoing debilitating physical pain, and the incessant dismissal from physicians proved to be too much, and so, on February 9, 2016, my beautiful, talented, and loving sister chose to end her life.

Through the letters she left for family and friends, we came to learn that this decision was not made lightly, and through her logical explanation, we accepted her reason; the pain of it all was unbearable. Utterly unbearable.

Though we miss her dearly, I do not know that any of us would have been able to carry all of her mental, emotional and physical pain with as much grace as she did for as long as she did.

My appreciation for her journey soon became that much greater, as my personal experience with mental illness began the day my sister's ended, and it was only through my personal experience that I have been able to appreciate how heavy the weight of her plight must have been.

I have always been a very emotionally and mentally strong individual. Naturally, however, after her passing, I did not know how to process a life without my only sibling, but all of the emotions that came with this felt like a natural and necessary response in the grieving process. I would cry at any given moment, I would hug and kiss her personal belongings, and I would often just want to be alone. Slowly, the emotional pain I was experiencing escalated.

Every night I would cry endlessly and get stuck in looped memories of seeing my lifeless sister on her bedroom floor and would obsess over all the ways I could have possibly prevented this loss.

There were nights when I would wait for my husband to fall asleep so that I could sneak into the living room to cry without disturbing him even though I knew all he wanted to do was help.

The anguish that was piling up started to turn physical for me; I missed my periods, my chest felt as if it was being crushed by a 200 pound weight, and I started to realize that I was always sad. On one particularly awful night, I needed a way to force my mind off of my looped memories, so I dug my nails into my thighs, and I successfully escaped those haunting images. In that moment, I felt as though I tapped into the place that my sister had once been, the place that I had always tried to sympathize with but could never fully understand. Truth be told, I never understood why anyone would choose to hurt themselves, but on that night, I had a glimpse into why and how it happens, and that realization terrified me. I quickly identified that my mental health was likely slipping into mental illness, so I sought out the help of a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PTSD. Through his help and guidance,

I was offered a number of great strategies to cope, one of which was taking anti-depressants. Though I was nervous about side effects, I knew that something needed to change, and that just as my sister had toughed it through countless medications to find the right one, I could too. Along with using medication, I also found other healthy ways to deal with my pain, like sharing mine and my sister's stories, and by connecting with others who have similar stories, and there are many.

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While I hope that in sharing our stories it may make conversations about mental illness a little less scary, I would be remiss not to mention the range of opinions that are held when considering different cases on the spectrum of mental illness. I am very cognisant that my experience with PTSD is far easier for people to engage with, as my diagnosis has a cause, has a relatively successful prognosis, and has had a great amount of coverage in the media.

Because my sister's diagnosis does not have any of these qualities, it makes it understandably hard to engage with.

The only way this will change, however, is if we talk about the unknown and transform foreign mental illnesses into familiar ones. I hope to honour my sister by continuing to share her story so that one day we can have conversations about mental illness without fear and so that those with mental illness might be granted the empathy they so deserve.

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: Avi Benshabat (father), Lisa Benshabat, Sherry Avadiev, Eric Avadiev (husband), Gail Benshabat (Aunt) and Patti Dolman (Aunt) Photo provided by SHERRY AVADIEV

By Sherry Avadiev

Sherry is a high school teacher, working with TDSB's continuing education program. She teaches English and Business Technology to adults who are hoping to obtain or upgrade their high school diploma. She thoroughly enjoys working with her students who come from all walks of life and who generously share their refreshing perspectives with her.

FACEBOOK: Ess Ay

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January 2018

ideas

Raw and Exposed at St. Joes 12 hours on the frontlines of psychiatric emergency where making connections saves lives “He’s only allowed to talk about New Zealand once in the morning and once in the afternoon. On overnights he can get really homesick so we ease up a bit,” says a smiling Justin, of his Kiwi colleague Dean Crozier. The gentle ribbing is routine among the two registered nurses (RN) and provides levity in a setting often fraught with turbulent emotions. This is Psychiatric Emergency Services at St. Joseph's Healthcare Hamilton. People come here raw and exposed, quite simply at their worst, looking for someone to help ease their suffering.

The six-bed unit belies the population it serves: A population of more than 750,000 residents in Hamilton, Haldimand, Norfolk, and Brant. The nursing station where Dean, Justin and a third RN, Christine will spend the next 12-hours is efficiently laid-out, but also compact.

“Close quarters. Good thing I like my co-workers,” quips Christine.

“Correction, Christine,” says Justin.”

You love working with Dean and I.” With a smile, Christine nods, “it’s true.

I love to work with these two.”

Friendly banter, for sure. But this unit functions on respect and trust. Their chosen field of health care is one with many unknowns. Talking through a patient’s symptoms and behaviours is sometimes necessary in order to identify a condition. Reaching someone in a mental health crisis is about making a connection and that can take creativity and brainstorming with colleagues knowledgeable in the field.

The team includes a psychiatrist and resident, a social worker and a member of St. Joe’s Concurrent Disorders Program, a unique service that treats those with both mental health and addiction issues. Among the skills of these professionals is a thorough knowledge of community supports. Helping patients locate and access area programs is a key element to the care provided in Psychiatric Emergency.

It is seven o’clock in the morning and the unit already has six occupied rooms. Surveillance cameras show four patients in various states of drug induced sleep. They are a small representation of a growing population struggling with a substance addiction.

Some are brought to St. Joe’s emergency department by worried family members or friends hoping for some

Dean Crozier, registered nurse, in St. Joseph’s Healthcare Hamilton’s Psychiatric Emergency Service

kind of medical intervention. Others are found wandering the streets and are brought to hospital by police.

Although they are not always here willingly or with a full understanding of the help they need, the staff here will work to make that connection.

“Therapeutic engagement,” is how Dean describes it. It’s what he finds most appealing about his work. In 2007, Auckland, New Zealand was actively recruiting men to work in the field of mental health. Dean had just graduated from nursing when the offer was made, “and I’ve never looked back.” His experience includes forensic, schizophrenia and adolescent mental health.

Marriage to a Canadian brought him to Hamilton and St. Joe’s in 2011. He’s worked in Psychiatric Emergency Services for two years.

On this day one person in his care is in the midst of a “situational crisis.”

It’s one of the more common reasons people come to the hospital. They may have no history of mental health issues.

Their condition may not require long term treatment. Their crisis may be directly linked to a specific situation or series of events. This doesn’t negate the need for some formal mental health support but admission to hospital is not always necessary.

“Normally, after a bit of time here, a good assessment and initiating some follow-up, more often than not they’re good to go,” says Dean.

A second person has been struggling with substance use and was brought in hours earlier, fully intoxicated. The

patient is now becoming alert and able to converse with Dean. He conducts a lengthy assessment and determines the individual wants to make a change.

One of Dean’s colleagues meets the patient and discusses program options for rehabilitation. A community link is made and the patient is discharged.

The scenario is very familiar to Psychiatric Emergency staff, and so are the many individuals dealing with addiction. They come to know the patients who make frequent visits to St. Joseph’s. Sadly a desire to take control of one’s life doesn’t always lead to success. It’s an illness haunted by relapse.

But instead of feelings of frustration St. Joe’s staff provide patients with hope.

“You can get the good success stories,” says Dean. “There are people who need help. They want help and you give them that help. This is why we do this job.”

approved by an Emergency Department physician.

As the 12-hour shift starts to wind down there is another admission, a patient who had been discharged only two hours earlier. According to police the individual was turned away from a shelter because of prior bad behaviour, refused to leave and began to harm himself.

As the team hears details of the patient’s return, for just a few seconds there is silence. A breath later, activity resumes at the nursing station.

“Journeys in mental health care don’t always go according to plan,” says Dean. “You have to expect sometimes people are going to come back.”

The Psychiatric Emergency team will be here if they do.

In the coming hours there are new admissions: A young adult experiencing a situational crisis is brought in by a parent. After a detailed assessment of the patient and an interview with the parent to gain more insight, Dean discusses program options in the community. In the end they decline the community support and leave the hospital with a promise to tackle the issues at home.

A couple shows up looking for answers after the spouse begins to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviours.

It’s unclear if the condition is medical or mental health related. A CAT scan is recommended by nursing staff and

By MARIA HAYES

Maria Hayes worked as a journalist for almost three decades before making a slight adjustment, turning to a career in public relations and communications. She has been with St. Joseph’s Healthcare Hamilton for close to four years as a Senior Public Affairs Specialist.

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Q u estion & answer

On the Right Path to Mental Health PATH Employment Services wants to take the stigma out of mental illness Q: What do you wish people understood about mental illness, especially in terms of finding employment or hiring someone with a mental disability?

Photos provided by Stefani Soliman

An interview with Tara Aronson of PATH

With over 200 classified forms, mental illness can manifest in a variety of ways that affect a person’s mood, thinking, and behaviour. Tara Aronson is the Manager of Employment Services at PATH, an employment services organization that has worked with people of all types of disabilities to find and retain meaningful employment in Hamilton for over 45 years. PATH helps to support people with various Mental Health Disorders.

Tara shared what PATH is doing to help Hamiltonians with mental illness.

TA: It is critically important for people to understand that mental illness is a disability. Mental illness is a problem with bodily function i.e. the functioning of the brain. It has activity limitations because it can prevent people from executing a task or action. It has participation restrictions because it is a problem experienced by an individual in life situations. When you understand mental illness as a disability you can apply an accommodation in the workplace to it, and with that applied accommodation a person with a mental illness can be successful at work. It becomes easier when you look at what the disability is, what a person with the disability needs in order to be included and successful in the workforce, and how to execute the identified accommodation. That’s what we specialize in at PATH. As a non-visible disability, employers may be unaware that they have people with mental disabilities already working for them. At PATH we appreciate the importance of a job. It can make a huge difference in someone’s life. Prolonged unemployment can damage an individual’s mental health, ravage the sense of self and destroy necessary supportive relationships. Financial problems through job loss can lead to anxiety and depression. Being open to hiring someone that’s had a gap in their employment history can make a huge difference.

Q: Do you find people are shyer when it comes to disclosing a mental disability (versus a physical one)?

TA: Absolutely. There are huge stigmas around disclosure of mental disabilities. Generally people lack knowledge about mental disability/illness and may jump to negative conclusions. Even the wording used in the medical community when it comes to mental illness can be problematic when trying to reduce the stigma because it uses words like “recovery.” You wouldn’t suggest that someone with Cerebral Palsy who uses a motorized transportation device would be expected to “recover” from their disability, but with mental disability some aspect of personal responsibility is implied. The truth is that mental illness is just as much a disability as any physical one.

Q: Any success stories finding employment for someone in this situation?

TA: Many. The key to our success is understanding how someone’s disability impacts work, how it impacts specific tasks on the job, and how it impacts the person while at work. One example is a client who has bipolar disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, and he was disclosing these disabilities in the interview. Let’s call him Larry.

Now, the disclosure of Larry’s disability was not a problem, and we know that if more people disclosed disability the stigma would be reduced. But the result was that the employers Larry was interviewing with did not know what to do with that information. They understood that he had a disability, but

they were not clear on how to accommodate him. We helped Larry to explain to the employer HOW the disability impacted him in the workplace and that the solution to accommodate his disability was simple.

Approximately once or twice a day Larry would need to go outside for 5 minutes to clear his head and focus. He would need to put headphones on at his desk to drown out some of the noise in the office as it triggered his anxiety.

For the employer, this was a simple solution that they could easily accommodate. It cost them nothing. This is an important point to remember- most accommodations cost nothing, and if there is a cost, it is usually less than $500.

Q: For someone suffering from mental illness or a mental disability: do you have any advice to help them seek employment? Be more confident? Advice in general?

TA: I would like to let them know that there is support available, and that they don’t have to figure it all out on their own. PATH specializes in supporting people with disabilities, and can help you to formulate an employment plan that is achievable. I would like people to realize that they are not alone in their disability, that it is far more common than they think. There are ways to disclose, ask for help, and achieve success- and we can work together to get there.

The discussion around stigma is very important. If we recognize it and talk about it there is more hope that people that have mental illness will come forward and access the services they need.

Getting effective treatment or learning how to manage mental health can be restorative. Connecting to employment is critical in so many ways, much more than just getting a paycheque. It relates directly to overall health and well-being, social connection, sense of self and self-worth. Someone working is generally building their lives and moving forward.

By stefani soliman

Stefani Soliman is a social media marketer and freelance editor. She's an avid supporter of local businesses, Canadian-made goods and fashion. Along with her love of dogs, punctuation, and the ‘90s, Stefani is a keen recycler and instrument collector. Tell her a corny joke and you’ll be friends for life. @ stefsoliman

PATH Employment Services is located at 31 King Street East, Suite 100. Head to www.pathemployment.com or call 905528-6611 to learn more.

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January 2018

I deas

We all know how terrible we feel when we don't sleep well. What many people don't know is the effect sleep deprivation is really having on our bodies.

Sleep is one of our basic human needs, right up there with air, water and food.

If you understand that sleep is not a luxury but a requirement of our bodies, you can start to take steps to improve the quality of your sleep. These steps are a great place to start:

01

Turn off your electronics at least an hour before bed. Most of you have probably heard this before but maybe you weren't aware of what blue light is actually doing to your sleep. The blue light emitted from your devices actually stops the release of melatonin, the hormone that signals your brain and body that it's time to get ready for sleep. When this happens, your body begins to feel stressed and you may have a hard time going to sleep.

03

02

Drink lots of water. Our bodies repair at the cellular level when we are sleeping so it is important that we are properly fuelled.

Drinking half of your body weight in ounces is ideal.

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Avoid caffeine after 2 pm. You have probably heard of people (or maybe you are one!) say that they can drink coffee and sleep right after. They may fall asleep but I can guarantee that the quality of their sleep is being compromised.

Caffeine will increase your light sleep and reduce the amount of deep sleep leaving you feeling groggy the next day, even if you slept eight hours.

04

Reduce stress throughout the day.

If you don't take any time to just be calm during the day, everything you have dealt with during your day will come flooding forward the minute you try to close your eyes. Meditating or light yoga right before bed is great for relieving stress but you should take relaxation breaks throughout your day so it is easier to manage a bedtime.

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Have a good bedtime routine. You should spend about thirty minutes preparing your mind and body for sleep. Washing your face, changing into pajamas, and light reading (an actual book – nothing back-lit) are great ways to signal the day's end.

Everyone's sleep issues are different. If you are struggling with sleep and you can't figure out why, or you know what is causing your sleep issues but you aren't sure how to improve it, Sleep Wise is a great place to start!

To learn more visit www.sleepwise.ca

By jillian dowling

When Jillian discovered what a gift she had given her family by teaching her children to sleep well at a young age, she knew she needed to find a way to help other families become well rested. She began working with infants and toddlers but soon discovered that so many people of all ages were really struggling to get the healthy sleep they needed. Jillian's holistic approach to sleep wellness for infants, children, adolescents and adults of all ages, ensures a better night sleep (often on the first night!) without the use of harsh medications. www.sleepwise.ca

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INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

"Promised myself I would not let exercise be the first thing to go by the wayside when I got busy... and here is why: it has helped me with my anxiety in ways I’ve never dreamed possible. To those struggling with anxiety, OCD, depression: I know it’s mad annoying when people tell you to exercise, and it took me about 16 medicated years to listen.

I’m glad I did. It ain’t about the ass, it’s about the brain.”

“I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.”

- R o b i n W i l l i a m s

-lena dunham

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

“I am mentally ill. I can say that.

I am not ashamed of that. I survived that, I’m still surviving it, but bring it on.

Better me than you.”

- C a rr i e F i s h e r

-ozzy osbourne

"Still I'll rise."

“The advice I’d give to somebody that’s silently struggling is, you don’t have to live that way.

You don’t have to struggle in silence. You can be un-silent.

You can live well with a mental health condition, as long as you open up to somebody about it, because it’s really important you share your experience with people so that you can get the help that you need.”

- D e m i L o v a t o

- MAYA ANGELOU

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason.

It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom."

- e d g a r a l l e n p o e

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January 2018

# Urbanicity E ats

Nutrition & Mental Health Good nutrition; can it affect mental health?

The phrase “when you look good, you feel good” is one that is often thrown about in modern society, but how much of a correlation do a happy state of mind and eating well actually have? According to Harvard Health Publishing (Harvard Medical School), “The field of Nutritional Psychiatry is relatively new, however there are now extensive observational data confirming the association between diet quality and mental health across countries, cultures and age groups – depression in particular.”

We spoke with a couple specialists from the Hamilton area who focus on just that; helping you develop an eating plan that will make you feel better not just on the outside, but from the inside out.

Jason Bay, Head Personal Trainer at OHSO Fitness, has had a love of food and nutrition for as long as he can remember. Many of his family members have struggled with obesity, which inspired him to learn more about how our culture can adopt healthier habits and extend the longevity of our lives.

Bay began studying anything he could get his hands on in regards to our relationship with food, and through his studies, developed the understanding that food is not just chemistry - it's cultural, traditional, healthful and spiritual. With over 15 years in the fitness and nutrition industry, Bay believes that improving the quality of food has a direct impact on mood and hormones.

Eating healthy reflects on the overall well-being of a person, which has a positive impact on mental health.

When Bay is first meeting with a new client, he first assesses the individuals pre-existing nutritional knowledge and lifestyle patterns; anything that may affect ability to make healthy choices. He believes that the clients should think about long-term wellness, before short-term goals – keeping realistic goals and expectations. His advice? “Keep things simple, uncomplicated and realistic; when we eat for the inside, a healthier outside always follows. Small, lasting changes are the key to long-term success” Jenn Potter (RNCP, CNP), Holistic Nutritionist based out of Hamilton, Ontario has a background in community health from Brock University and Workplace Wellness and Health Promotion from Centennial College. Finding herself burning the candle at both ends as a student, Potter was struggling with food sensitivities, fatigue, skin issues and adverse reactions to antibiotics. She started experimenting with food and her personal nutrition and saw improvements and benefits with

her diet change. This change in her own lifestyle inspired her to go back to school for Holistic Nutrition at the Institute of Holistic Nutrition, which she graduated from in 2012.

When discussing nutrition, Potter states she absolutely believes there is a connection between food and mental health. Often, you’ll hear the term “trust your gut”, with our gut referred to as the second brain. And some of this is fact-based – as 90% of our serotonin, a neurotransmitter linked to mood, is produced within the gut along with other brain supporting neurotransmitters like dopamine. Potter believes that this is the beauty of holistic nutrition, it looks at a person as a WHOLE; intertwined systems rather than separate compartments.

Potter offers short online nutrition coaching sessions, beginning with discussing health history, goals and current eating habits. From there, she gives the client a few steps to work through and master, setting up short follow-up sessions where the current plan is built upon; involving both nutrition and lifestyle changes. Though she does not get too many clients interested in feeling better from a mental health perspective (in comparison to bettering their physical health) the great thing about nutrition is that physical health and mental health are linked together in some capacity. When clients see changes in their physical health, a lot of the feedback Potter receives is actually related to mental health. She aims to bring back the excitement of eating real, good tasting, healthy food - one person at a time.

Though healthy eating doesn’t replace traditional forms of mental health assistance, it can be a contributor to mental wellness that can work handin-hand with other types of mental health care.

TOP: JENN POTTER / BOTTOM: JASON BAY Photos provided by Heather peter

By HEATHER PETER

Heather Peter is a restaurant marketer, food industry graphic designer, writer, blogger & avid home-cook. When not out supporting the local food scene, Heather immerses herself into the culinary community. Beyond food, Heather loves tea, animals, & exploring Hamilton’s green spaces. @ hamontsmallfry

Edward Burtynsky (Canadian b. 1955), Nickel Tailings #36, Sudbury, Ontario, Canada, 1996. chromogenic colour print. (printed 2010) ed.10/10 Art Gallery of Hamilton, Gift of the artist, 2015. Photo © Edward Burtynsky, courtesy Metivier Gallery, Toronto.

EDWARD BURTYNSKY AT THE ART GALLERY OF HAMILTON

WITNESS EDWARD BURTYNSKY JANUARY 20 - MAY 21, 2018 Exhibition at the Art Gallery of Hamilton 123 King Street West, downtown Hamilton Opening Reception at the AGH: Sunday, February 11, 3 pm – 5 pm.

Acclaimed Canadian photographer Edward Burtynsky brings environmental issues to our attention through awe-inspiring images that document industrial sites and show the complex effects that global manufacturing and consumer demands have on the planet. Featuring large-scale photographs that celebrate his largest donation ever to a museum, Witness is a homecoming for this world-renowned artist with roots in the region.

BEARING WITNESS: AN AFTERNOON WITH EDWARD BURTYNSKY Talk and Film Screening Saturday, January 27, 2 pm – 5:30 pm Lincoln Alexander Centre (160 King Sreet East) General Admission $20 | AGH Members $15 Join world-renowned photographer Edward Burtynsky for an extended discussion about his art practice, activism, and globalism. After the talk and a brief intermission, the feature documentary Watermark will screen.

2012 Portrait Birgit Kleber

Watermark Dirs. Jennifer Baichwal, Edward Burtynsky, 2013, Canada, 100 min. Rating G | DOCUMENTARY Following their celebrated collaboration Manufactured Landscapes, Burtynsky and Baichwal reunite to explore the ways in which humanity has shaped, manipulated and depleted one of its most vital and compromised resources: water.

“An immersive experience, with stunning visual language, that will transform the way we think about water, and our relationship to it.”

— Robert F. Kennedy Jr. on Watermark

ilovefilmseries supported by

123 King Street West, downtown Hamilton L8P 4S8 905.527.6610 www.artgalleryofhamilton.com

AGH_URBANICITY_BurtynskyAd_FP_Jan2017_10.25x14_alt1.indd 1

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January 2018

lifestyle

The Lost Soul The journey to motherhood and the looming worries

W

ith the anticipation of waiting for that pregnancy test to turn positive, I was under the impression that getting pregnant was a one time easy go-at-it. However, what I realised, is that many women aren’t that lucky. Between ovulation sticks, charting your temperature, period calendars and other not so public tactics to catch ovulation, the effort that is put forth to get pregnant, becomes a science. You start to lose track of the fact that sex with your better half should be fun and exciting. Then, when you least expect it, you’re pregnant.

The excitement controls your every thought as you frantically decide how and when you’re going to tell your partner. You can’t believe this is happening. Your first impulse may be to stock up on everything baby related. However, when you show up to the counter and the cashier asks, “Is this all for you?”

You remember what your superstitious Nonna said about not telling anyone until you are at least three months along. So the response may be simply, “It is for a friend.” As you wait in anticipation for your partner to come home you realize there is no better way to tell your husband, other than blurting it out and showing him the urine filled pregnancy test. And so the journey to motherhood begins.

As amazing and exciting as this news is, reality kicks in, and in the back of your mind floats the difficult “what if?” questions. What if my last night out of drinking altered the baby somehow? What if that skydiving trip caused some sort of complication? What if I miscarry? All of these questions and more start flooding your mind with doubt and fear. As you start to rationalize with yourself, and figure out what to do, there is always friends and family telling you it is going to be alright. Giving you hope when you feel something just might not be right. Your loved ones mean well, but the truth is, you are the only one who can decipher what is happening to your body.

So as time goes on and you start to feel the never ending symptoms of the first trimester, the excitement of that 12-week ultrasound gets closer and closer. You will finally get the chance to see what is happening inside of you.

Now here is where it fell apart, at least for me.

When the doctor brought me into the ultrasound room, I had a feeling something just wasn’t right.

Rather than listening to my instincts, I listened to everyone else. I pushed my worries and concerns back, as I had been doing for the last few months. As the technician began the ultrasound, clicking through a few images, her tone changed. I knew at that point, my instincts were correct. My husband was supposed to be asked in, to see the baby on the screen, but instead she excused me back to the doctor’s office.

As soon as I sat down, I turned to my husband and said, “Something’s wrong”. When the doctor came in with the nurse, we were given the dreaded news, that there was no heartbeat and that the baby had stopped growing at 6-7 weeks. In utter shock, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “How soon can we start trying again?” Trying desperately not to cry, I

Nata (Graphic designer and yoga teacher), her husband Dave and her soon to be baby boy

started asking the questions that I felt I should have asked a while ago.

recovery long and strenuous. Not just physically, but mentally. It felt like I was never going to be normal.

Going home that day, we did nothing but cry. I was lucky to be put on a list to have surgery the next day, but was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster that I was about to go through. Along with the pain of having to tell everyone we had lost the baby, came the fear of embarrassment and judgement.

This experience had altered my mind forever. I developed panic attacks, and my already existing anxiety, became worse. I realized that there were more underlying issues that I needed to deal with. My husband and I decided the best thing to do was to go and see a couple’s therapist. The sessions helped us realize that there is more to getting pregnant than biological science. The mind set must be there to help overcome and deal with all obstacles that are present with any pregnancy.

I felt like I needed answers. I needed to know why this happened. Countless search results provided no answers. I obsessed over the details of what I could have done differently. The only information I found, that truly resonated with me, was the statistics around miscarriages. The stat was; that 3 women a day, are told that they had miscarried. I thought, why don’t people talk about this? Why is this not well known?

As the weeks went by, I realized how incredibly difficult this loss can weigh on a woman’s whole being.

The physical complications that came with my miscarriage lasted for 2-3 months. My body was still holding onto the idea of being pregnant, which made my

This experience will forever hold heavy in our hearts.

However, we have not lost hope. In fact we are now 8 months pregnant with our little boy. We will always remember the soul we lost, as a part of our family forever. To all of the women who have gone through this and are going through this, you are not alone, and I promise it will get easier.

Love,

Nata DiBartolomeo

YEAR IN REVIEW AS WE ENTER THE NEW YEAR, WE TOOK THE OPPORTUNITY TO REFLECT ON SOME OF OUR TOP HIGHLIGHTS OF 2017

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THE BLACK FOREST INN

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GREENHILL PLAZA

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BIKE FOR MIKE PARTNERSHIP

We celebrated the 50th anniversary of the historic Black Forest Inn and won a Reader’s Choice Award for best overall restaurant in Hamilton. We are incredibly grateful for the continued support from the Hamilton community.

Since acquiring this east end plaza in early 2017, we have renewed the facade, added a pylon sign, and leased out 4 of the 8 vacant units. A plaza built for community, Greenhill Plaza now has a great outlook for its future.

We are huge advocates for making Hamilton a more cycle-friendly city and were thrilled to be able to partner with Bike For Mike on our Paddles for Saddles event to help raise over $8000 towards Hamilton bike programs.

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CORKTOWN PLAZA

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HIRED 20TH EMPLOYEE

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THE IRONWOOD BUILDING

Corktown Plaza was a bit of an eye sore for the neighborhood. We provided a facelift to the building and sold the property to a company that plans to take the next step to convert the plaza into a new development.

Our team has nearly doubled in size this year. We have surpassed our 20th employee working out of our head office in downtown Hamilton and couldn’t be more happy to continue to grow with this amazing city!

We acquired 370 Main Street East, a tired office building on the edge of the downtown core. We rebranded it the Ironwood Building, added new black cladding and improved the interior common spaces and commercial units.

4 SPRING CREEK PLAZA

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10 HALF-DAY FRIDAYS

Governors Road was the first road to be constructed in Upper Canada. We were excited to bring new life to Spring Creek Plaza located along this historic road in Dundas with a renewed facade and renovated residential units.

DUNDAS MILLWORKS The former Valley City building in Dundas was destined to be demolished for a residential development. We acquired the property with a new vision to keep this historic building and turn it into a thriving commercial district.

BUILDCORE COLLECTIVE

We launched a construction management company that brings successful skilled-trades businesses and suppliers together to complete projects more efficiently in the Greater Hamilton Region.

Our employees work smarter not harder. We’ve introduced half-day Fridays to encourage our employees to have greater mindfulness and worklife balance.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT IN THE PAST YEAR. WE LOOK FORWARD TO GROWING WITH HAMILTON IN 2018!

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January 2018

URBANICITY.CA

15

ideas

Reiki and Your Wellness A complimentary healing practice Walking into Pearl’s apartment I was greeted with the question of “would I like some tea?”

Pearl Mendonça, an independent Reiki master and practitioner in Hamilton, had an ornate tea set up prepared on her coffee table, including candles and incense, a tea pot, a glass pouring vessel to transfer the tea from pot to cup, and small, clear glass cups for drinking. I asked if this was part of the Reiki treatment, a sort of ceremonial calming tea before getting started?

She laughed and replied no. She had just gotten the tea set after taking a tea course earlier in the year, and was getting into the habit of using it each night, a sort of personal ceremony for herself to be present and reflective of the day.

Of course, she continued, I had the right thought, as she typically likes to ask about her client’s lives before getting started. Asking about their physical or mental circumstances and states, things for both to be aware of during the session.

This ensuing tea and conversation worked quite effectively for putting me in a more reflective frame of mind, and yet firmly placing me in the present moment.

Presence.

It is never lost on me, though the act of it can be, the importance of presence. Of being present and mindful in a moment, taking stock of yourself, your

state, physical and mental, your environment and your actions within it.

Whether you are a believer or not, I found this to be central to the experience of a Reiki treatment.

Reiki as a defined healing practice is relatively new, though the roots of its practices are ancient. Originating in Japan, and officially founded in 1922 by Japanese Buddhist Mikao Usui, Reiki is considered alternative medicine due to its challenge of scientific validation. Reiki is a form of palm healing, or hands—on healing, in which a practitioner gently uses their palms for the purpose of exchanging “universal energy,” or chi (qi) to rebalance the body’s energy centres (or chakras).

Because of this, it is also referred to as an Energy Therapy.

It is important to note, however, that even its founder defined it as a complimentary healing practice.

Upon moving into the treatment room, Pearl had me draw a card from her Gaia Oracle Deck, again, not necessarily a common format for Reiki treatments, but an extremely effective and affective gesture. These cards were not telling me my future, or making any sort of conclusive prediction or assessment on my life, rather they contained heartfelt messages and affirmations that further put you in a reflective, yet present state of mindfulness.

The treatment itself is extremely noninvasive. “Your clothes stay on,” Pearl likes to joke, “this is about your comfort

level and it’s not a massage.” The treatment largely consists of palms being placed on or above key energy transference points of the body. Occasionally, Pearl will ask you a question, otherwise she encourages you to act on impulse.

If you want to talk about any feelings or sensations you are experiencing, feel free to, if you want to stay silent, reflective, that is perfectly OK too. For no specific reason, I opted for the latter.

As the session ends, Pearl asks if I would like to hear her observations based on what she picked up from my energy exchanges throughout the treatment, I say yes, and am told things that I feel are remarkably accurate to both my physical and mental state.

We talk about me for a bit. And then, for the sake of this piece, we talk about her and the practice of Reiki at large.

Outside of Reiki, Pearl is a yoga teacher, with a background in social work a BA/BSW from McMaster and a Masters (MSW) from Ryerson. She is an extremely smart and intuitive person, sensitive to people’s emotions and impulses, a great listener and someone who challenges you to seek answers, rather than simply offering advice.

Like presence, and the idea of it being a complimentary medicine, this further becomes key to the entire experience.

She instantly picks up on the underlying subtext in my line of questioning concerning Reiki, laughing, she says “you’re asking if it’s snake oil?”

Having been found out, I laughingly concede, yes.

As we continue on this line of questioning, it becomes clear that it doesn’t matter.

Like any medicine, therapy, or treatment, what matters is your own sense of commitment, willingness and action going forward.

As someone who has pursued or does pursue both physical and mental therapies, I know their value doesn’t necessarily lie in the treatment itself, it lies in the commitment of the person to following through on the

treatment. From being open to it, to accepting it, and to committing themselves to a path of self-improvement.

As a generally irreligious person, but one who is open to the fact that there are profound mysteries in the universe that humanity simply will not understand through any rational means for some time, I personally am very open to the concept of a “universal energy” or qi. In fact, more than most metaphysical beliefs or interpretations, I see it as a very potentially valid thing that we just haven’t had the means to fully understand yet.

Yet, more importantly, as a person who sees the importance that self-reflection, mindfulness, and responsibility has on taking proper care of your mental and physical health, Reiki strikes me as an immensely valid form of treatment. One that compliments your broader, personal health and wellness habits. I was forced to both be present, and to reflect, to take stock of my current emotional, mental and physical states, and how they inform each other.

To consider my choices, past, present, and future, how I take care of myself, and to pose the challenge to myself of how I may improve this.

It was like prompted meditation, and like any other form of therapeutic treatment, I know the responsibility of its potential benefits are not with Pearl or the hour or so that I spent with her, they’re with me.

That said, I recommend a Reiki treatment, and highly recommend you go see Pearl.

To get in touch with Pearl, please email pearl.yoga.reiki@gmail.com, or visit pearlmendonca.com

By Ryan Moran

Ryan is a proud Hamilton native, interested in style, travel, adventure, arts and culture and always trying to be better. In other lives Ryan is an MBA, a Senior Manager of Marketing for Niagara Parks, and a Co-Founder/Owner of CoMotion On King. In his rare spare time, he enjoys writing and photography. @ RPMoran

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January 2018

ideas

A Home of One’s Own A housing solution for mental health consumer-survivors

By providing our most vulnerable community housing – without restrictions or caveats – we also improve our health care system and remove stress from other over worked government support systems because individuals who have homes can take care of themselves better.

In 2007 the United Nations issued a report that declared Canada’s housing situation a “national crisis”. In the decade preceding the report, the federal government cut social housing spending and worked to bring more housing investment into the country through new build houses and condominium buildings. The result was that less social housing projects were built in the last three decades. A shift happened in the 1980s: support for our communities that was deemed essential following World War II moved towards building self-interest and capital wealth. At the same time, wages have not been able to keep up with the rise of inflation an precarious employment has become standard practice. This has led to a crisis that we’re only beginning to address now. While empirical evidence shows that the majority of people facing homelessness thirty years ago were single adult males, as social housing and wages stagnated, the faces of the homeless population began to change to include more women, children, and seniors.

Housing is a human right – and we must work as a community to make sure that everyone has a home, because we cannot succeed as a city when we leave any of our citizens behind.

A place to call home is the root that our mental health springs from.

In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a psychological framework of human needs, the first level is physiological: food, water, warmth, and rest. A home is where you can satisfy all of those needs. Without a home people experience barriers such as access to health care, child support, and disconnection from their community. People who do not have homes lose the ability to participate fully in society.

Hamilton has seen the changing nature of economic stagnation on its own streets, which is perhaps why it has had a chance to address the social issues facing our vulnerable community members in a number of ways. Hamilton is one of the first communities to sign up for the 20,000 Homes campaign, a national project to address the “national emergency” of homelessness.

While a lot of federal programs have stagnated over the years, Hamilton has been quietly working through its many community organizations and non-profits to get as many people off the street as possible. But there is still much to be done, and we can’t rely solely on the municipal government to provide all of the solutions, which is why community members and organizations have begun building support networks, in tandem with City Hall, to fill in the gaps.

URBANICITY.CA

R I S I N G S TA R C O - O P E R AT I V E One such project is Rising Star a peerdriven co-operative housing initiative.

Lisa Burton, one of the organizers for Rising Star, a project begun by Lance Dingman in 2006, describes the project as a housing solution for “mental health consumer-survivors”, a term used to distinguish between individuals who are either currently in recovery and accessing the tools and services to improve the state of their mental health (consumers) and those individuals who have exited the programs and services and are in a position to take care of themselves and live independently (survivors.) The reason peer support is emphasized in this project’s mandate is because it creates a beneficial relationship between mental health consumer-survivors wherein a person who successfully copes with their mental health issues can provide guidance for individuals who are at the beginning stages of their recovery. “As an individual walks through recovery, we train [them] so they can do our job,” Ms. Burton explains.

They chose a co-operative housing approach to make it affordable and accessible, to give rights and responsibilities of operating the building to the residents, it’s an inclusive space that provides support to mental health consumer-survivors and ownership to the building tenants. Rising Star’s supported housing model allows residents to move in and out of the space without cutting off resources that allow mental health consumer survivors to continue to thrive in the community at-large and offer support for individuals who are at the beginning of their recovery process. And because it’s peer-supported community participation, the individuals who are recovering have a better say as to how they can be helped – and help others.

Rising Star is working in partnership with Hamilton Community Foundation’s Neighbourhood Leadership Institute, Kiwanis Homes’ Executive Director Brian Sibley, and the City of Hamilton’s Social Planning and Research Council to build a board, incorporate and create this future home. Rising Star’s goal is to find a suitable location through the Neighbourhood Action Strategy that will best serve the needs of their tenants, ideally a mixed-income neighbourhood with access to public transit. In January Rising Star will begin writing their Objects for Incorporation, with assistance from the SPRC.

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One in five Ontarians will face a mental health problem in their lives.

Without adequate social housing that helps vulnerable people, we all suffer because our city only truly succeeds when everyone succeeds.

INDWELL Indwell is a Christian organization that supports over 400 households in Hamilton, Woodstock and Simcoe, with plans to convert and build more new spaces. This supportive housing structure ties services to the organization and are led by Indwell’s team. I was given a tour of the Perkins Centre, where I found that everyone is invested in being a part of the community created in the building.

Jessica Brand, Program Manager of the Hamilton Indwell apartments, explains Indwell’s goal is to “come up with more answers to affirm people's dignity and independence while providing them with just the amount of support that they need.” To that end, they run a variety of different types of residences that address the spectrum of supporting individuals with mental health issues and needs. The Wentworth Group Home offers the highest amount of support for individuals living on a fixed income. Strathearne Suites offers increased support to help reduce hospital visits with independent living spaces, and 500-512 James St. North is a new building project that will create 45 more affordable housing apartments in Hamilton’s north end. The James St. North project is a partnership with Hughson Street Baptist Church, which owns the property.

Indwell operates the living facilities while the church occupies the first and second floors. “People need different support, [but] everyone needs community,” Ms. Brand says. “[Indwell] creates spaces where community can happen.”

Ms. Brand agrees that there are some limitations to the supported housing model. Sometimes there are good ideas that Indwell cannot implement because they need to be done in the “clubhouse model” – peer-supported social housing that is led by the individuals

themselves rather than the organizers who run the buildings.

More can be done to address the nuances that affect homelessness rates. Policies that address the particular issues that lead to homelessness for youth, LGBTQ, seniors, Indigenous peoples, and veterans need more support from all three branches of government. And focus needs to be given towards prevention over emergency responses to reduce the number of vulnerable people who are at risk of losing their homes. That will keep more people out of emergency shelters that are dangerously stretched thin as it is and will lead to more permanent housing solutions in a quick and efficient manner. A municipal wide homeless strategy should also include a database such as the Homeless Individuals and Families Information System – free software available from the federal government that can track the progress of individuals within and on the boarders of the system.

We all deserve to have a home. This message may be at odds with the free market ideal that housing is an investment, but that idea driving the housing market’s rates is flawed because it erases humanity’s compassion. Less people are able to afford purchasing their own homes, which means more are likely to rent and look for alternatives. Precarious employment and stagnating wages has taken a toll on the mental health of many individuals – a recent Hamilton Community Foundation survey prepared by McMaster researchers shows that 1 in 10 millennials in Hamilton believe that the economic situation is getting harder for their generation than previous generations and over 25% of millennials in the GTHA reported their mental health as less than good, as compared to only 5% of people between the ages of 35 and 65. Many

people are sitting on the edge of a breakdown and a lack of decent housing is a big factor, as rental rates go up and more vulnerable people are pushed into the outskirts of our communities to make way for individuals fleeing outrageous living costs from other cities that outpace their income growth.

One in five Ontarians will face a mental health problem in their lives. Individuals living below the poverty line are more prone to mental health problems because a lack of money creates more stress, creates poor food choices, and exacerbates pre-existing mental health problems. Without adequate social housing that helps vulnerable people we all suffer because our city only truly succeeds when everyone succeeds.

Luckily we live in Hamilton, a city that knows the true meaning of hardship.

We’re the Ambitious City, with True Grit, and some would even say that we’re unstoppable. We are all part of the process of rebuilding the city, but the renaissance must assist all of our people, not just the ones who stand to make a profit from buying low and selling high.

By OLGA KWAK

OLGA KWAK is a Hamilton-based writer and marketer. Her work has appeared in She Does the City, Torontoist, Toronto Star, The Genteel, and PRODUCT Magazine. She builds websites and writes from her office on Barton Street East. Visit www.olgakwak.com for more advice on doing the right thing online.

@ olgakwak

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January 2018

e x periences

Mom with Mental Illness Managing my depression, mood swings, and volatile behaviour

"I was mortified when I would dissociate in front of the children because I could do nothing to stop it, although the frequency of these incidents when I was with the kids was rare."

In 2003, my husband and I decided to have children.

Although battling mental illness, I had been stable for over a year. I had been diagnosed with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Severe Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder. A pregnancy meant stopping my psychiatric medications. That was difficult. I suffered bouts of terrible depression and panic attacks. In December 2004, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy.

Soon I was again stabilized on my meds; but that stability would be short lived as I became pregnant again in May 2005. Life was difficult with one baby requiring constant attention while my hormones and chemical balances were off kilter. To make matters worse, the military deployed my husband on a six month tour.

Mostly, I got by okay; however, I did suffer some obstacles. I was so depressed and self destructive, that I stopped paying the bills. The money was in the bank, but nothing was getting paid. My doctor, too, was concerned about my health and called National Defence to have my husband returned home.

By the time he had returned, we were being sued by the bank and were dangerously close to losing our house. In

February 2006 we welcomed our second son.

I don’t remember any real difficulties when the kids were babies, although my husband says I was moody and volatile. I remember things were fine until he was once again deployed. This time, however, we arranged for our nineteen year old niece to stay with me to help with the boys.

Life during his deployment was difficult as I did suffer from severe mood swings. Coupled with panic attacks that seemed to come out of thin air, and losing significant blocks of time, my depression worsened. I was hospitalized. My niece looked after the boys and brought them to visit me in the

hospital. My doctor added Dissociative Identity Disorder to my diagnosis.

During the toddler years, we were posted from Toronto to Kingston, Ontario. The move was especially hard as all of my therapeutic supports were in Toronto. I found it difficult to get a psychiatrist in Kingston. Mostly, my life was a series of downs and deeper downs. My eldest, who was in kindergarten, was having behaviour problems at school. My youngest, while a happy toddler, demanded a lot of attention.

As soon as my husband returned from work, I would sit outside where I would hide and smoke. Sometimes, I would spend days in bed. He remembers having to tell the boys that “mommy isn’t coming to dinner because she is sick.”

Again, I was hospitalized for over a month and a half. The military granted my husband a compassionate posting back to Toronto.

In Toronto, things seemed to stabilize but I had panic attacks and was again losing blocks of time. I was experiencing incidents where I would see myself from a distance, as though I were floating above my body, interacting with people but acting completely out of character. I had no way to ground myself and felt completely helpless. I struggled to keep any of this

from my family. I was mortified when I would dissociate in front of the children because I could do nothing to stop it, although the frequency of these incidents when I was with the kids was rare. When I felt a panic attack coming on, often I only had seconds to react, I would consciously slow my breathing and put a smile on my face to mask the attack from the children. I was in my own personal nightmare.

We moved to North Bay. The panic attacks worsened into rolling attacks where I thought I was dying, and had to be brought to the hospital by ambulance. When my husband was away with work, a neighbour watched the kids and simply told them that I was sick. My children have grown up with these incidents and barely noticed my absence. Now, at eleven and twelve, I believe that they have come to see their father as the stable person in their lives, and although I know they love me, we are not anywhere as close as I wished we were. My mental illness has affected these relationships. Either way, I hope the boys will see that I am making progress toward recovery, and that they are a major motivating factor behind my work.

By Anonymous

An English Literature graduate currently living in Toronto.

URBANICITY.CA

E x periences

Battling Bipolar Appointments, medications, and the ability to speak openly

Depression is difficult. Mania was devastating. As a young twenty-something in 2015 I had a lot going on. At the time I had a postsecondary education and a full time job. My life consisted of work, volunteering, and professional networking. My partner and I were settling into our new home in the Sherman Hub and everything seemed fine.

Throughout the years I had struggled with what I now know was depression. At the time it was easier to blame myself for not being able to keep up with my own expectations than it was to ask for help.

Suddenly, that all stopped. I woke up one day a different person, with zero regard for consequences. My mind had been hijacked. In the span of 3 months I found myself jobless, homeless, single and ended up being hospitalized.

Nobody in my life knew the warning signs.

I was experiencing my first manic episode which lasted approximately 4 months (followed by the worst depression I had ever experienced). After being apprehended by police under a Form 1 and hospitalized in 2015, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. With this diagnosis came an overhaul of my priorities. My lifestyle now includes regular doctor’s appointments, weekly meetings with a social worker, copious amounts of medication, exercise and diet goals, along with a full time job and a social life. I am a proactive person and had I known I had an illness I would have wanted to get ahead of it before it turned my life upside down.

Puzzle 1 (Easy, difficulty rating 0.37)

Being apprehended by police was traumatic; several events that occurred whilst I was in the care of the hospital were traumatic. I can’t say there are many positive aspects of having Bipolar Disorder, but the best part about being sick is telling people that I am sick. It’s empowering to watch a person’s preconceived notions of me fade away as they open up about their own relation to mental health. That’s when I get to relate and share all of the wonderful mental health resources I know of in Hamilton.

For those who are experiencing Bipolar, Anxiety, or Depression I have organized a free peer support group with the help of 541 Eatery & Exchange.

This group meets the last Wednesday of each month from 6:00 PM – 7:00 PM in a public space that allows us to talk openly and comfortably about our illness.

By Sadie Wolfe

Sadie Wolfe studied Popular Culture, Women Studies, and Public Relations. In 2016 she decided to prioritize her self and her health with rewarding results. From Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, you’ll learn she is a Connector.

Her passion is connecting people with mental health resources in her adopted hometown of Hamilton. @ becomingbipolar

Puzzle 1 (Medium, difficulty rating 0.57)Puzzle 1 (Hard, difficulty rating 0.67)

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January 2018

E x periences

A Blessing and a Curse Trying to keep things at bay

It makes you feel like everything is so amazing and so impossible at once.

It terrifies you.

It destroys you.

“It’s okay…” my fiancé whisper softly into my ear. “It’s okay you'll be okay.

You are strong, I know you are. I know you’re fighting every day.” He continues as his hug tightens and all I can do is cry.

“This isn’t you. These aren’t your thoughts. You don’t want to do these things. I don’t know what goes through your mind during this, I don’t understand it. But I know it’s not you.”

These are the words I hear low, gently into my ear as he rubs my back and lets me hug him as tightly as I can. And all I can feel is a mix of calm and love clashing strongly against the waves of guilt and shame.

This is the scene that follows after my fiancé learns I’ve succumbed to the weakest part of me and brought harm onto myself.

We do not live together yet. Something we are hoping helps me in the future once I’ve changed my current environment. We’ve been together for ten years now, and this coming September we are getting married. He is everything to me and I can’t imagine how much these things must hurt him. He believes in me more than I believe in myself, and for now this is enough.

I suffer from severe anxiety and mild depression. Or at least this is what I was told two years ago by a psychotherapist. I went to him about four times before I decided I didn’t like him. Since then I have been trying on my own. I am stubborn but I’m also fearful for my future. Afraid to get worse. Due to numerous events in my life, I am currently working my way up one step at a time.

But what is anxiety? Honestly, I don’t even know. Everyday I’m trying to figure it out. Everyone who deals with

this has different issues, problems and fears. One thing that might stand out for them doesn’t stand out for someone else. It’s subjective to the person going through it. I can’t say what works for me would work for someone else. I don’t speak for them, nor would I dare.

I can’t tell you what it is or isn’t but I can tell you what it is for me.

It’s a contradiction. The biggest kind there is.

It makes you feel large amounts of happiness over small things, and then absolute sadness over something else just as small. It makes you stop breathing and cry while at work, forcing you to go to the washroom and hide in a stall until you can breathe again.

It makes you feel like everything is so amazing and so impossible at once. It terrifies you. It destroys you. It makes everyday tasks like waking up the worst feeling in the world. It’s endless thoughts about nothing and everything all at once. Things that will never happen and things that happened over ten years ago, gnawing at you as you try to sleep, eat or watch TV. Like a tunnel with only half the lights working; it’s a darkness that never ends and only lightens every so often.

For me it’s having a great day, only to have one sentence shatter it completely. It makes you twitchy, heartless

and cold. Yet warm, loving and so emotionally in tuned.

To me it’s a blessing and curse.

Once I finally realised I had a problem it made me more reserved, angrier and sadder. Shamed and disgraced and broken. At the same time I had also succumbed to what I consider my greatest weakness and that was to harm myself.

It took me months before I could finally admit this to my fiancé. He is the first person I told. And the person who guides me every step of the way. With this I was able to open up to a few people (none of which are my family) and this showed me that there are people who care deeply for me.

This is just a fraction of what I can explain in words. And it’s always changing for better and for worse. It’s a 24/7 job, trying to keep these things at bay.

For me distractions work greatly, whether it’s getting up and doing something else, to calling my fiancé and telling him to talk about anything, or breathing deeply and drawing a countdown from 20 in my mind on an imaginary chalkboard.

I can’t tell you what this all really means because even I don’t know. But I've come to learn that you are not alone. Just taking one step at a time, no matter how small it is, is really helpful.

Who worry with me about my health, if I’m eating (another issue I have) if I’m happy, if I am able to keep writing and painting and reading (things I had been unable to continue for the longest time). But they don’t pity me. They check in here and there, and that alone means the world to me.

It’s my curse because I know it doesn’t go away. It needs to be controlled and distracted. It needs to be fought against every day. Though I have gotten better, I am still at my worst on some days.

Just this past November I ended up harming myself again. And though it had been almost a year since the last time, to me, that space of time is an improvement.

Anonymous

A young twentysomething woman trying to take it day by day with what life gives her.

A graphic designer, aspiring author and an old lady at heart; she just wants to be able to do the things she loves and be with the people she loves (or not, depends on her mood). @ heartstrings_vii

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e x periences

Riding the Waves of Change Anxiety, depression and the light at the end of the tunnel else my age seemed to understand what I was going through. I had friends but a lot of those friendships were surfacebased. Many of those friends have come and gone like seasons, while only a few have planted themselves in my life as roots to a tree. I had also dated but I realize now that I was relying on those boyfriends like a clutch for happiness.

I was always on the verge of crying; if I was smiling or laughing, it was only to mask the pain that I felt deep down.

I experienced insomnia, which carried over into university. Staying up until 3AM either crying, or delaying sleep with empty thoughts, then having to be at school or work early the next morning. That carried on for years.

It started when I was 15 years old, in grade 10. Out of nowhere during random parts of the day or night I would experience sharp stabbing pains – initially in my chest, then eventually as the “attacks” occurred more frequently the stabbing pains would spread to my back; more precisely, the back of my ribs. For anyone that’s experienced it, it feels like (and has been described as the likes of ) a heart attack. I would later find out that what I was experiencing can be described as an anxiety attack.

While anxiety takes many forms, for me it was in the shape of chest pains. At the time however, when I would describe it to my mom, she called the Telehealth hotline and ultimately there was no solution, other than to bring me in for tests if they felt it was necessary. It was labelled as stress. Apparently there

was a tremendous amount of stress on me at the time. Between attending an arts high school where I had to maintain my grades, having dance as my life outside of school, and simply being an over-achiever that put a lot of pressure on myself (while simultaneously being a master procrastinator), that was enough to create serious knots in my back. In addition to that, after being an only child to a single mother for 15 years, my mother was soon to give birth to my sister with her then common-law partner. I have been blessed to have my baby sister enter into my life; however, it was evidently going to be a big change.

Fast forward two years, and anxiety hit again. I don’t remember it being as distinct in grade 11, but I remember it

very clearly in grade 12. It came hand in hand with my depression. Without getting into too much detail, my first wave of depression hit right after I had turned 17 years old. It was my senior year, where most people’s priority was to get good enough grades for university and college applications, find a prom date, find a prom dress, establish an almost-young-adult social life, and figure out what life might be like beyond high school. Whereas, for me, getting through each day felt like a matter of survival and all of those things weren’t top priority. I had my family and myself to worry about. On the day after my 17th birthday I found out that my sister’s dad was ending his relationship with my mom and he had given her just over a month to move out. The months that followed were occupied by anger, confusion, sadness, financial stress, moving homes, and a custody battle. That’s when my depression was kick-started and my anxiety made a speedy return.

The days (or years, rather) that my depression was most prominent can be described simply as dark times. As I look back, the memory itself is very foggy. Perhaps because I worked so hard to get myself through it and pull myself out of it, that I have a hard time going back to the exact feelings that I experienced. What I do recall is the following: I had very little interest or motivation to get involved with anything and I wanted at times to be alone, at times to be in company. Yet, no one

Given that it was my last year of high school when my depression first hit, I was allowed to see the guidance counsellor for therapy and sometimes to just let out tears and emotions that I couldn’t during class. Then eventually I was referred to an actual psychotherapist. I had also attended small group anxiety sessions at school, and I was thankful to know that I wasn’t alone. Over the next few years that followed into my early twenties I would see a total of two more therapists, and I also found a few solid mentors whom I could trust. Depression and anxiety never got easier; I just became stronger, more resilient, and more aware of my triggers. It was also a catalyst for me to look inwards and I began to work on myself. While I would consider myself free of depression and anxiety now, I still have my dark days and occasional attacks. I tackle them head on, one day at a time.

By stephanie cabildo

Hi I’m Stephanie! I’m 27 years old, proudly a Scorpio, independent woman, and very determined. I have permanent wanderlust, so as long as I’m living I will keep purchasing plane tickets and send myself around the globe to experience new sights, new cultures, and meet new people. I also have a (healthy) obsession with tattoos. My career is currently in sales, but my passions are in travel, reading, writing, personal development, dance, and fitness. I want to be fit but I also love food! @ heartstrings_vii

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January 2018

A d u lt colo u ring

A Moment of Peace

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T A H W T AKE .

D E E N YOU

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