TAYLOR
HEARTBREAK LOUISE GEORGIA FALLING OUT OF LOVE JOE ANONYMOUS WILL SAMMY HEATHER GET UR GROOVE BACK FILMS
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LOVE ANONYMOUS SOPHIE FEEL GOOD FILMS ELLIE SARAH FALLING IN LOVE EVE AMY VALERY
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HEARTBREAK
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LOUISE
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So, I was 14 years old in year 10 and I went around my friends shed for like just like a meet up with a couple of my other friends, they were all boys about 6 of them there I was the only girl. I was close with the boy who’s shed it was and we were all like playing Xbox and drinking, they were all in the year above me, so I thought they were pretty cool. Anyway there was this boy there that I hadn’t met
before and he played the drums and we listened to the same music so I was crushing on him a tiny bit but after everyone had fallen asleep he was sat next to me and I could feel that he was trying to insinuate something. I didn’t want to because I was just tired, and I sat there and didn’t respond or look at him, but I remember as I was half asleep, he kissed me, and it was my first ever kiss.
GEORGIA
7
I remember what I thought was my first heartbreak. He lay his head in my lap and sobbed, he didn’t know why he was breaking up with me and I didn’t know why I didn’t feel as sad as I should be. I stroked his hair and let him cry, wondering what was going on inside his mind, wondering why he would do something that was making him still so upset. We were young, we were each other’s first for everything. I appreciate that I wouldn’t take that back no matter how little closure I ever got from him. There was no warning, no red flags, just a sudden “I don’t want to do this anymore”. I think I remember him kissing my forehead before he left my house but everything seems like a distant memory as if I’m recalling it from an outside perspective. There was a lot of confusion in that relationship, it was the closest I’d ever gotten to somebody and suddenly that was gone after only a few months. I remember feeling sad but not for reasons other people might be sad. I believe that we all have multiple soul mates, they’re placed in our lives at times when we most need them. He was one step in my journey for learning who I was. I never pleaded with him to stay because I don’t believe you can change someone’s mind like that, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who’s even considered for a second that they could live without me. Now, simply, he sits in my memories like a funny anecdote as I tell my girlfriend stories about how naive and silly it was how strange it was that I had no idea I was gay.
Falling Out Of Love
Sink Into The Floor Let It Pass Smile Tinder Song To Be You Something I Said Sticky Casio Flaming Hot Cheetos Wet Socks Feeling Lonely How Can I Love You? Habit
JOE
10
I was training this girl in my last pub, her name was Chloe. She was beautiful. So, I asked her if she wanted to go for a coffee and she said yes and what was meant to be a quick chat with coffee turned into us talking all night. We then began meeting every day until one day I just kissed her. We ended up getting together then 9 months
went by and we were living together and we never got time for ourselves. I remember we got into a massive argument one night and after that, we were never the same. I watched her slowly stop loving me. While my feelings never subsided. Till we broke up. And I couldn’t live there anymore, that’s why I moved to Brighton.
ANONYMOUS
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My first love was a guy who was 3 or 4 years older than me; instead of it being that exciting new love everyone looks forward to, but mine wasn't like that. I was around 15 at the time and he was that typical bad boy that all the girls were into, he had just moved down the road from us, so I felt super lucky that he was in my street. My friends and I would go over to his house which he rented out with 2 other friends and we would all hang out and eventually, we got together. He made me feel super cool and special, after 2 weeks of “being together” he pressured me into having sex with him. It wasn’t romantic, it wasn’t exciting I felt dirty and upset with myself afterwards. Eventually, I just got used to it and thought that because we were a couple that’s just one of the things you just did. He used to cover my face with a pillow and made feel ashamed of my body so right up until my relationship with my current boyfriend I wasn’t able to have sex in the light or out of the covers as I didn’t want anyone to see me.
As the months went on he moved out of his house and into mine, my mom was never around when I was younger so I was scared of being alone and had to look after my sisters and take them to school, cook for them etc so this is why I stayed with him for so long. He became very abusive, he would strangle me, drag me by my hair down the passage and punch me. He cheated on me all the time which broke my heart into pieces and then eventually when I didn’t love him anymore but was just too scared to leave him (as he was part of a gang, that threatened to petrol bomb my house if I left him) and just to be alone in general. I didn’t want have sex with him and he would force me, and I remember just lying there literally not moving not doing a single thing and he would just do his thing. Then when I eventually broke up with him 3 years later, he threatened to commit suicide and would harass me, my friends and my family for months on end until he finally got the hint it wasn’t going to happen again. So yeah that was my first love, he broke me down as a person in every way possible, but it has made me a better person and I would never in a million years ever let anyone treat me like that again.
From what I could remember the first time I told someone I loved them was to a girl named Izzy. It was after we broke up. We didn’t go out for too long, about a couple of months. It was the first relationship I had ever been in and still to this day the only one I have been in. It was a scary and new experience for me but also very exciting. I felt quite pushy and wanted to rush into anything and things got a bit overwhelming and dull quite quickly. I was more in it for the experience of it all at the start, although Izzy was a beautiful and brilliant person. It happened quite quickly, and I thought that I was quite lucky and should jump at the chance. It was a bit of a rollercoaster when things settled down, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t love her at this point and although we had been quite physical, we didn’t get to the whole sex thing yet which I also felt I was quite pushy about. I felt guilty about being pushy with wanting sex. Much like the relationship, it would have been a first and another opportunity to jump at an experience. However, due to such an intimate nature, I became guilty for pestering about it. I soon broke up with her after as I felt like it should end after a rollercoaster. After we broke up, we didn’t stop talking but it was very tough. I soon realised what I was missing. Small details that I realised I loved. Which allowed me to fall into a deeper hole, slowly falling in love with her after we broke up. This was not the same for her however, she, unfortunately, moving to university didn’t see much attachment. I can easily become attached emotionally to people as I’m sure it’s clear, and don’t know how to deal with it. We went through periods of not talking and writing to each other. I have been through times of utter desperation and panic as well as heartache which I probably won’t recover from to this day she still sits at a strange place. She knows me far too well and I get an aura from her I have never found with anyone else. But I told her I loved her after we broke up. I can’t remember exactly when. But it’s horrible falling for some that you broke up with because you only have yourself to blame. I
couldn’t blame her for cheating or anything like that. When I realised I had quite a large hole from the break up I tried to fill it with other people. I was speaking to other girls and this did not help as I was also trying anything I could to get back with Izzy. I was stuck trying to move on but also get her back. This didn’t help as I was getting on well with another girl however didn’t want to disappoint her by going back to my ex who I loved. As I say I fall for people easily so was taken back by others as well as my ex which didn’t help. There have been horrible times and okay times since then. We still talk occasionally although it’s unpredictable. I have argued with her and also been desperate to get her back, seeking any opportunity. A couple of times going to visit. One time getting very ill from drinking too much, embarrassing myself in front of her and her friends. Absolutely in tears on the way back as I couldn’t win her over. It was in this trip we decided to just write to each other for a time. Which is where these letters have come from. I was so desperate for any form of contact from her. Letters is the best compromise I could get as she wanted to just stop talking and get me out of her hair, I think. I could not do this or let any chance of her go. So, we wrote occasionally, however, I found it hard to write to her as life overwhelmed me and I became depressed. This was getting to the time of foundation where I met Willow, we had a short thing as well as some random hook-ups after. But through how I acted toward her after the breakup I felt I had many flaws. And at the end of the process of Izzy and then the breakup and the rough time of getting with other people. I feel I have evolved as a better person. Many flaws have come up because of it and have been shown to me through the pain I have gone through trying to fix my errors, so of course now I’m a much better person because of it, however, it has been some horrible times of utter emotional pain. As for now, I’m still not perfect. I find myself drawn to people incredibly easily and still can be far too open.
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WILL
SAMMY
In 2018 I was going through a really hard time but then I met Calum in November 2018. The beginning was amazing he brought me out of a dark place I was in. And although he broke my heart, in the end, I’m so grateful for the fact he helped me through the lowest place I had ever been in. I had been with past people and thought I was in love. But after Calum, I realised I never had been truly in love like I had with him. Our relationship started to go downhill along with my mental health, but we kept trying to make things better. At the time I thought he never cared because that’s what my head was telling me but now 7 months on, I realise he tried so hard. One evening he surprised me with the news that we would be going away for the weekend to Newquay. We had such a nice time, but we both realised things weren’t the same as they used to be, we ended up arguing a lot. A month and a half later he broke my heart and it’s the hardest thing I’ve had to go through. During that time, he misleads me, makes me think during this week that we would be ok that I wouldn’t lose him. He was making plans with me but after that, it became quite difficult. I had to quit my job and I felt so alone I went back to living by myself in a flat when I was used to having a big family around me. I was finally getting back on my feet and feeling better, a few months after the break up he contacted me and asked to meet up I was hesitant but I said yes we got a little too drunk but it felt good to be with him again the next day we spent the whole day just chilling. I was confused as to what was happening so I questioned it and his response was he realised he had made a mistake and missed me whilst he was away for his birthday because I should have been there with him. We agreed we would take things slow but that we still loved and cared for each other. We went on a couple of dates, stayed at each other’s houses. Then Christmas time came, and his behaviour had changed again, kept cancelling plans on me. Not as talkative. But I left it because I knew he was going through some struggles.
It came to Christmas and he was himself again but then Boxing Day and he was acting strange kept asking what I was doing when I would be back etc, so I was like oh now he wants to see me. He then explained we needed to talk, and I knew when he said those words what was going to happen. I was right he was putting an end to it. But not because he wanted too but because he met someone else he felt bad because he wasn’t expecting it to happen and I understand that but what hurt me was that it was a girl I knew. A girl we went on double dates with so to me I thought that was horrible on her part because she knew how hurt I was about the breakup and how happy I was that we were trying again. There was nothing I could do or say I had to just deal with it. Then a month later she texted me asking if I had sent him any of his things, I explained I had but that I was upset to hear from her and not from him. She said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore but to me her messaging me hurt way more than it would if he did. I’m not over him and I don’t think I will ever truly be because we went through a lot. We lived together we spent every day together for a year. A year isn’t long but when you create this bond with someone and everyone around them it’s hard to let go. There’s not a day that I don’t think of him or the memories. He broke my heart but taught me a lot of things and helped me grow.
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HEATHER
17 I think he's the only person I've truly loved... Enough to quit my job and move to Switzerland to be with him. Turns out he wasn't the person I thought he was (surprise surprise) ... It was a very messy breakup, and the heartache was horrendous. I couldn't trust anyone for a long time... Made me doubt everyone around me. We laughed a lot... Had tons of adventures... I remember he'd look across the room at me at parties and he'd sprint across to hug me like he was a child!... I'd say this was my first real love and most painful heartbreak
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LOVE
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ANONYMOUS
When I first moved down to the UK I was living and working in Dorset and I stayed there for like 2 years. I only started speaking to PJ in the last 2 months before I had to leave for college. We used to chat on Snapchat all the time until eventually we just decided to meet up and go to McDonald’s. This became kind of like a thing and we started shagging in the back of his car (so classy I know). We did this for like 2 months and we didn’t want people to know so it was always at night. We knew I was leaving so we didn’t want to catch feelings, but we defiantly did and quite hard actually. He went on holiday for like a week and got me this stupid little hello kitty charm which he kept forgetting to give me. Then when I actually left and moved away, we stopped talking and it died down but now and then even we would ask how we were etc. Always keeping in contact. Then 4 years later we decided he should come down for a shag just before New Year’s Eve. He was only supposed to stay the one night, but we just connected and got on like a house on fire. I’d never experienced anything like it, and he ended up staying for 5 more nights and he spent NYE with my family which is why it’s like our thing now. We just fell in love so quickly and so hard and he brought up the silly little keyring he’d kept in a draw all that time. I never use to believe in marriage, I never thought I’d ever want kids or be a person that would ever fully settle down again and move in with a guy, but he’s completely changed my perspective. He’s made me feel comfortable in my skin and more confident about my body. I can now have sex outside the covers and in the light and I’ve never felt so sexy to someone in all my life. So, I’m definitely in it for the long run with this one. He’s taught me so much about myself and made feel so happy.
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SOPHIE
23 This was our first photo together. We weren’t friends but were in the background of one another’s lives the whole time. Lived 30 seconds apart, went to preschool together, some of the same childhood parties. Even did our first holy communion together; he was stood directly behind me. This photo is up in their family home. We went to the same secondary school; he was good friends with my best friend, but we were in different groups and both quiet people. We ended up going to the same university and eventually got to spent real time together at the end of second year at the university summer ball. He’s the absolute love of my life and I can’t believe he’s been there the whole time, but I do think everything happened how it was meant too.
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ELLIE
So, we planned to meet on a Thursday night back in October 2018, on the front steps at university. I originally had planned to stand him up because I’m a bad person and just the thought of seeing a guy without being drunk or having sex petrified me. I was in my pyjamas until 20 minutes before we were supposed to meet when my halls mate (who forced me to arrange the date) made me get ready and go. He was 10 minutes late because he had to cycle from Portslade and he was super ill, so I sat in the toilets by Sallis Benney shitting myself until he text to say he was outside. I remember trying to sort my hair out by looking in the windows in the corridor downstairs and I just felt so ugly and I didn’t want to be there. And then (it sounds cheesy as fuck) when I first saw him it was like a sudden feeling of being overwhelmed but in THE best possible way. I mentioned it in the Instagram poll thing you did a while ago, about how not having a father or father figure in my life has affected me negatively, and I know the two are separate but I have always had a sense of feeling lost within myself or feeling like a part of me was missing (I said that to my Mum once when I was about 6/7 and
she told me to grow up and not be so silly). - But when I saw Jamie stood on top of those steps outside of uni I felt like there was a chance I could feel happy within myself, or at least have a chance of feeling like I belong in some way like I have a purpose. So anyway, we walked along the seafront to Hove and then to the marina and then eventually to halls (it lasted about 3 hours) before we sat in the kitchen and I ate an ENTIRE family pack of Jammie Dodgers with a cup of tea! I noticed he had eczema on his hand which made me feel a lot better because I also have really bad eczema behind my ears that I’m super self-conscious of. We then went to sit in my room, I showed him my limited -edition V&A David Bowie book, talked about Led Zeppelin. When I say that I had never fancied a guy before Jamie, I fully mean it. Before him I had managed to fully disconnect any emotion from men, I had never wanted to date a guy. I liked the sex, but not that the thing I liked about sex was attached to a man. It sounds silly to say because at the time I was unaware of it, but I fell for him instantly, and I still do, every single time I see his face I fall in love with him all over again.
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SARAH
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My first love, I am still with. I met him 2 years ago in a Wetherspoons kitchen. He was getting bullied by the kitchen managers at the time and they threw mustard at him, I was fairly new to the job, so went over to pot wash where he was at and helped him get all that mustard off of him. Ever since then we’ve just hit it off with each other. Now we’ve been together for 2 years travelled to 9 countries and are looking to move in together this July. We are currently self-isolating together.
Falling In Love
Falling For U Warm Sunshine I Want It Tranquility Luv Bug Cuz You’re My Girl Cool With You Gap In The Clouds C U Girl Lava Lamp
EVE
32 When I was a 16-year-old vrigin, I started talking to my sister’s 24-year-old friend on Snapchat and got to the point where we would talk every day and I was like obsessed with him, we really cared about each other and also would sext all the time, I didn’t tell my family all the details but I was open with them about the fact that we were speaking lots. Fast forward a few months, I had turned 17 and I was thinking that we were soulmates. He came and stayed with us for my sisters 21st birthday and I lost my virginity to him... then I told my sister thinking she wouldn’t mind too much (because I thought I was so grown up and mature at 17) and shit hit the fan, I was heartbroken and we stopped speaking. Anyway - During the time we were talking he sent me this little note in the post that was coded, so I had to figure out the code to read the letter, I kept it all this time for some reason it’s still special to me.
AMY
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This picture is the first photo we have together, my friend Ruby and I went to Mrs Fitzbherberts to meet her boyfriend Joe and some of his friends, which included Sam. We got along really well and sat outside, slightly ignoring everyone else, we must’ve been so annoying! But then I had to leave and go meet my friends who I was meant to be going out with, so I asked Sam for his number, he was shocked that I was leaving and happily said yes. I remember being quite proud of myself for asking him for his number, I’m not usually like that. I think it was a combination of alcohol and having to leave so I couldn’t wait around for him to ask. Then we met again at spoons and went on our first proper date at Wahaca.
VALERY
My first love, this is interesting to write right now because I have just recently broken up with my first love. We were together for 4 years and turns out they were pretty good 4 years. This was the kind of love that came out of absolutely nowhere, I met up with him a couple of times, I wasn’t looking for a relationship but when he asked me out I just said yes, we seemed to click from the very beginning I didn’t think twice about it! Nothing is perfect, don’t be fooled, but I’m going to share my love experience rather than the relationship itself. Being with him, opened up so many new points of view on life, I learnt so many things I would’ve never bothered to explore by myself. I didn’t like meeting new people, so I think I’m quite reserved in my social circle. I had to change for love if I wanted to keep being with that person... this wasn’t the most difficult part if it’s something you want. He was a skinhead and ultimately, I became part of a subculture I never even knew existed! This was the best part about having someone so different from you so close to you in your life!
A lot of things changed in my life that I was totally fine with, my fashion sense, my music taste, some of my likes and dislikes adapted to the person I was seeing too, which is good, it’s also just important not change your personality for the person you love, not ever! Love makes you want to breathe the air they breathe, makes you want the smell of their body on your pillows, clothes, hair. Love makes you do stupid shit like not speak to the people that were once important. It makes you forget the stupid shit they do and only see the good. Love makes you think about them every day, wonder if they’re okay, what they’re up to. It makes you clingy, annoying and sometimes jealous. It’s all part of the process. But sometimes it gets too much, or in fact, too little... One day you might realise that it wasn’t it, it’s not worth the tears and fighting for attention is just not reasonable anymore. One day it all stops and your kind of left wondering at which point down the line did the feeling of drowning at the thought of losing them became. I think I can swim just fine on my own.
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THANKS FOR READING