Keeping USA’s delivery vehicles safe since ... Well, we don’t really know, but who cares? LOL!
Van Guard The
March 28, 2011 |VOLUME 48, NUMBER 26
www.usavanguard.com
University of South Alabama’s student newspaper
Moulton unveils plans for new football stadium By Alex Whalen MANAGING EDITOR
After months of design, the plans for a new football stadium have been released. According to Director of Public Relations, Keith Ayers, this state-of-the-art facility will be the perfect home for the still-undefeated Jags. USA President Gordon Moulton has overseen every step of the process, according to Ayers, and much of the design are his ideas. “The big thing for President Moulton was having a domed stadium,” Ayers said. “At first, he wanted a wooden cross-hatching like we have in the Recreation Center and the Dining Hall. But we soon realized this was impractical.” Moulton, who is a big fan of really tall ceilings, ended up deciding on a spherical structure. But the shape of the stadium is just one feature that sets this facility apart. “We started by looking at a lot of different stadium designs and assessing their strengths and weaknesses,” Ayers told The Vanguard. “We came to the realization that what every single stadium lacked was a Concave Dish Composite Beam Superlaser.” Ayers said the decision to put in a superlaser was an easy one to make. “What better way to strike fear in your opponents than with a superlaser?” Director of Facilities Management, Chris Willis, told The Vanguard that once the superlaser is fully functioning, it will be capable of destroying a small-to-mediumsized planet. “The superlaser is actually fed by eight smaller lasers located around the concave dish and then refocused into a superweapon,” Willis said. The stadium will also feature an extremely tight security system, with laser gun turrets, autoturrets, and defensive shields to keep would-be thieves and arsonists at bay. “These features did increase the cost of the project by quite a bit, but they were deemed necessary to protect the equipment inside,” Willis said. At an estimated cost of $48.6 trillion, the Moulton Death Star will be the most expensive structure ever built. In order to fund the project, President Moulton has allied himself with a fund-raising group called Secretly Introducing Tuition Hikes (SITH). The announcement of Moulton’s SITH involvement has been met with strong opposition from the student body. But this does not seem to concern Moulton, who told The Vanguard during a press conference, “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new Empire!” SGA President Kim Proctor, who was
Admin: Portals will make students ‘smarter’ By Cameron Adkins ASSOCIATE EDITOR
The three portals being constructed at the main entrances of South Alabama’s main campus are being equipped with a new technology that will give students more time to focus on their studies, administrators claim. “After construction, all three entrance portals will act as actual portals when students pass through them in an attempt to exit campus,” teleportologist Benson Branson said. “The portal will instantaneously transport students from the South Alabama campus to a random campus in the state of Alabama” In effect, students will be on a campus of higher education more of the time which will, in turn, give the students more opportunities to study in environments conducive to learning. “More time on the property of institu-
“More
time on the property of institutions of higher learning will make students smarter.” -Carl McDermott President, Institution of Educational Studies
Colin McGee | Photo Editor
An artist’s sketch of the Moulton Death Star based on plans retrieved from a small blue and white trash can. Although the plans are incomplete, they do show the Concave Dish Composite Beam Superlaser on USA President Gordon Moulton’s football stadium/superweapon, capable of destroying a small planet.
present at the press conference, challenged Moulton on a number of issues. “I am the SGA president and I won’t stand for this,” she told Moulton, who responded, “You are a member of the rebel alliance and a traitor. Take her away!” Proctor has not been seen since. Moulton also explained during the press conference where the idea for the Moulton Death Star came from. “I was watching a documentary about the Civil War,” Moulton said, “and they had built something
very similar.” Where Moulton’s plans change from the Civil War era Death Star is in a complete lack of thermal exhaust vents. “The only reason the Death Star was blown up during the Civil War was because of a two meter wide thermal exhaust vent, no bigger than a womp rat,” Moulton said. “The Moulton Death Star is going to be very stuffy,” Willis said, “but it will be the most secure structure in the galaxy.” see STADIUM | 4
tions of higher learning will make students smarter,” Institution of Educational Studies President Carl McDermott said. “It just has to. How can you always be on a college campus and not get at least a little smarter?” Students, who were previously unaware that this technology would be employed, are wary of the results the portals will produce. “How am I supposed to make it to my night class in Baldwin County on time?” Sophomore Biology major Trinity Fishman said. “It’s a long drive from Auburn to Baldwin County.” Even though most students seem to disapprove of the addition there are some students who are thankful for the opportunity to be involved in such a program. see PORTALS | 4