First year blues, Ashley Sullivan

First year

Far from the ideal year that anyone expected, the shift to online learning has been just one of the many obstacles that COVID-19 has thrown at the world. For Ashley Sullivan, her first-year of university has panned out very differently to her expectations.

LET'S JUST SAY THAT an abrupt transition into online school wasn't exactly how I envisioned my first year of university to begin. I had anticipated 2020 as the year to be. It was going to be my year. I had just graduated from high school, the trauma of HSC slowly becoming a distant memory, and I had been accepted into my dream course — Journalism and Law. I was turning 18, and I was looking forward to long-anticipated plans to celebrate the milestone with friends and family. Drinks and dancing were in the distant future, and I was deliriously happy for the days ahead.

Everything seemed to be falling into place. Until COVID-19 struck and the world became unrecognisable.

As with many others, the pandemic stripped away a sense of control. There was a loss of stability. I felt that I no longer held agency over my life. That I was helpless in the direction it was taking. And I was forced to face the reality that my expectations of university would need to undergo some serious revisions.

An overwhelming sense of exhaustion smothered my first semester. A type of tiredness that wasn't due to lack of sleep, but a weary heaviness that dulled everything out. There was a persistent battle between the desire to disappear into sleep and the nagging pressure of uni work.

During online schooling, my productivity was at its lowest point. There were so many wasted hours that I can hardly recollect. The days dragged on, and even with all the new 'free time', I didn't have the energy to spend it. Ironically, I would waste my time by being disappointed in myself for wasting my time. It seemed that everyone around me was learning a new language, a new craft, a new skill; constantly evolving to be more well-rounded individuals. How could I possibly keep up when I barely had the energy to drag myself out of bed?

blues

Life seemed to have come to a stand-still. Time was non-existent as the weeks went by in an indistinguishable blur.

I felt like I was trapped in some bizarre episode of the Twilight Zone.

I was caught in a toxic cycle of procrastinating my tasks as they seemed so insignificant in comparison to the current state of the world, then scrambling to catch up when I was reminded with overwhelming anxiety that life wasn't on pause. I had to keep up, whether I liked it or not.

Awaiting online classes welcomed a strange sense of dread. University was unfamiliar enough, but online classes were a whole new playing field as the ability to socialise was only made more difficult. With cameras shut off and mics muted, strangers remained as strangers as Zoom let us hide within the privacy of our bedrooms. While these features were a blessing for when I would wake up five minutes before a class began, I missed seeing new faces.

As first-year social events were cancelled, I felt the window of opportunity to make new friends closing up, and my optimism was dwindling.

Online classes escalated my nerves as every answer I gave was accompanied by my shaking, stuttering voice. I felt hyper-aware of myself, convinced that everyone could tell just how tense I was. And who knows, maybe they could. Maybe they couldn't. But does it matter? No. Yet, at the time, it was all I could think about. I was constantly second-guessing myself, too paralysed to push myself to participate.

As the end of first semester grew nearer, the more I dreaded the announcement of the second semester being online again. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that the importance of maintaining social distancing through online classes far outweighed my personal desires. But still, as selfish as it seems, online classes have a huge impact when being a student is your main priority. I was desperately dreaming of the campus experience that I had looked forward to, however naive it may be.

As it turned out, I would have a blend of online and on-campus classes. That was more than enough for me.

During lockdown, my life felt so unordered. I didn’t realise until then how much my high school schedule had kept me grounded. Frankly, I'm a creature of habit. I take comfort in structure. A routine that provides me with a regular rhythm for the day ahead. But even when I would try to organise my days, everything felt unnatural. Unstable. Nothing seemed to stick.

I was sick of being stuck in the same space day in, day out.

But the return to campus, even for one day a week, gave me an opportunity to successfully plan an organised schedule to keep my mind occupied for the whole day. As trivial as it may seem, it was valuable to me. Even my hour and a half commute, which would usually be an inconvenience, has become a comforting familiarity.

Now, I consume the sights of the city with fresh eyes.

This semester feels different. No, I haven't become insanely productive and dedicated all my free time to the pursuit of a new hobby. But I have energy. I have motivation. I've pushed myself to put more effort into socialising, and I've taken opportunities to participate in new activities. I'm taking a leap. Being bold.

I'm beginning to experience a taste of the university life that I had envisioned.

Online classes don't feel as restrictive as they used to. Maybe it's because I've finally met the people in my classes face to face. Or perhaps it's because I've become more used to them. Either way, I have appreciated blended learning for striking a balance between the convenience of home and the vibrancy of campus.

Looking back, I don't think I gave myself enough credit during my first semester as a first-year. I've been so caught up with over analysing every single comment I made during online classes, and all of the time I should have spent studying, that I've forgotten to recognise anything I did achieve. During quarantine, I completed an online justice course, I experimented with new recipes, and I watched a lot of dance workouts (that has to count for something). I was fortunate enough to have a job that was mostly unaffected by COVID-19, and I was able to continue working.

Even if I could have been more productive, I would always be wanting more from myself.

Too many people have been burdened with the pressure to be productive that they have neglected to reflect on themselves. Even though online classes have afforded the convenience of extra time, the ways we choose to spend that time should not be associated with guilt. The time we spend on our self-care is non-negotiable.

While I can easily criticise myself and recognise that I could have spent my time more productively, I can also appreciate that a lot of my time was used for introspection. Heading into my second semester, I’ve worked on adopting an optimistic mindset to stay on track and remind myself of where I want to be.

The first and most crucial step was to be kinder to myself.

Letting go of the disappointment, I wish to look back at my first-year with pride of what I was able to achieve. Of what all university students were able to accomplish when faced with a truly unprecedented year.

Pictures: Lisseth Portillo