Issue Three - 2013

EDITORS Mairead Armstrong Lachlan Bennett Sally Coleman Fiona Dunne Tessa Feggans Frances Mao Joe McKenzie Naomi Russo Zara Selman Hannah Story

CONTRIBUTORS Antigone Anagnostellis Eliza Berlage James Bourne Kieran Boyd Madeleine Clarke Steph di Val Tom Evans Matthew Fraser The Graduate James Haydon

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Mark Outridge

CONTENTS

ART & DESIGN Minh Bui Sunyoung Hwang Catherine Lao ADVERTISING Stephanie King COVER IMAGE Phillipa Marie

18 Courtney Holm Alex Johnson Ellen Leabeater Johnny Lieu Douglas McDonald Sam McGinty Emily Meller Sandy Sarouni Emma Rose Smith Rachel Worsley

OUR THANK YOUS Bed Kimi Raikkonen McDonalds’ Loose Change Menu Lena Dunham Whoever is going to kill Joffrey in this season of Game of Thrones Jameson Gin

AND FUCK YOUS 8am lectures Week 7 assignments 40-page readings Low-carb noodles UTS WPA Heaven Extras Simon Crean WITH SUPPORT FROM Lyndal Butler et. al Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville

This is our disclaimer so we don’t get sued by nasty organisations or individuals. The contents of Vertigo do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Students’ Association or the Editors. This one is on you.

SHOWCASE: COURTNEY HOLM

4 5 6 8 10 12 13 14 15 16 17 22 24 25 26 28 30 34 35 36 38 39 40

20

JOB ENVY

32

THE DEBAUCHEROUS BIRDS OF TOKYO

EDITORIAL CALENDAR UTS DEEPER INSIDER THE SECRET LIVES OF CENTRAL STATION BUSKERS TAKE UP YOUR ARMS GOING WITHOUT: LAZINESS SOAPBOX CHANGING THE RULES ASKING THE HARD QUESTIONS ABOUT ORGAN DONATION HOW TO TALK TO ENGINEERS THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: BARGAINING HONEST CAREERS ADVISOR A POX ON POP CULTURE: QUEEN B STREET STYLE ROADTEST: APHRODISIACS SHOWCASE: EMMA ROSE SMITH DEFAMER DRINK BETTER BEER SMALL BARS ARE LAME IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? FOOLSCOPES BORED STUPID?!

SA REPORTS

Vertigo is published by the UTS Students’ Association Printed by Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville Email us at advertising@utsvertigo.com for enquiries

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of copyright holders.

Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40 000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples, in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self determination, sovereignty, and the recognition of and compensation for past injustices.

EDITORIAL

CALENDAR

H

ey guys, Now you’ve probably noticed that we’ve been vaguely (some might say half-arsedly) theming each of our editions. This one is no different; ‘The Working for the Man Edition’ is all about you selling out, or to put it another way, about being employed and earning some money. We initially wanted to call it ‘Adventures in Late Capitalism’ but felt we might risk alienating our socialist peers (and we need them to keep campaigning for a socialist state because we have no chance of securing paid employment as Communication degree graduates).

Not sure what sort of job you could have working for ‘The Man’? Check out our ‘Honest Careers Advisor’ centrefold; it’ll point you in a much more realistic direction than the UTS Careers Department.

We have also profiled some people with interesting jobs, both in Emily Meller’s ‘The Secret Lives of Central Station Buskers’ and the aptly named ‘Job Envy’. We hope these provide you with some left-of-field alternatives to your average desk job.

Finally our old faithful, The Graduate, guides us through his first real job interview after leaving UTS (and after reading it I’m sure you’ll agree when I say his column should probably be renamed ‘Misadventures in Late Capitalism’).

We’ve punctuated the employment-related articles with some other stuff though; we didn’t want to bore you kids too much. So for those of you working in hospitality, or who just generally like to drink (i.e. all of you), we have a spread on small bars and boutique beers. Wanky? Perhaps, but not in the way you might think.

Finally we have a thought-provoking article on the FilmLife project, a group that aims to engage young people with the issue of organ donation through the creative arts. We encourage you to read this piece and discuss your donation preferences with your family and friends.

So whether you have plans to work for ‘The Man’ one day, or like us poor, unpaid editors, have no chance of someone finding your skills relevant enough to employ you, we hope you find this issue enlightening and maybe even a little bit helpful. Because that’s why we are here, guys: to help you, to be your friends and most of all to create a magazine that is representative of what’s important to you.

Peace and love, Zara and The Vertigo Team

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WEEK 6 MON 1ST APRIL

TUES 2ND APRIL

FRI 5TH APRIL

SUN 7TH APRIL

Easter Monday

Vertigo #3 released

1982 Burlesque 7pm @ The Vanguard

Finals of the Sydney Badminton Open 1pm @ Sydney Convention and Entertainment Centre

WEEK 7

MON 8TH APRIL

WED 10TH APRIL

THURS 11TH APRIL

Mercedes Fashion Week @ Carriage Works

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof 8pm @ Belvoir St Theatre

Tracy Morgan 8pm @ Enmore Theatre

SAT 13TH APRIL

The Pillowman 5pm @ New Theatre

WEEK 8 MON 15TH APRIL

WED 17TH APRIL

FRI 19TH APRIL

One Man, Two Governors 6:30pm @ Sydney Theatre

Darkest Sydney Hour 8pm @ Customs House

Chicks on Speed @ Artspace

MON 22ND APRIL

TUES 23RD APRIL SAT 27TH APRIL

Sydney Comedy Festival Gala 7:30pm @ Opera House

Colosseum in LEGO @ Nicholson Museum

Groovin’ the Moo @ Maitland

VC WEEK

UTS DEEPER INSIDER WHEN NEWS (OR A CRANE) BREAKS, TURN TO PAGE 6 (THIS ONE) FOR ALL THE CAMPUS NEWS, GOSSIP, AND DOWNRIGHT SLANDER THAT’LL LAST A THREE-WEEK PRINT RUN.

FULL DISCLOSURE: U(N) T(OLD) S(TORIES) UTS isn’t the most godly place in Sydney, but you may just see a few students on their knees outside of a uni party! Confession hasn’t been this hot since Usher’s Part II and now it’s become oh-so-much easier – and anonymous – with campus-specific Facebook pages. But in the grand tradition of UTS failing to plagiarise Sydney University trends, UTS Confessions is a big letdown – devoid of the juice, raunch and downright filth that characterise other universities’ pages. But shh!

Some secrets are best kept that way, like those stories of sexual assault – we’re looking at you, ANU…

UTS IT SECURITY NOT ‘APPY Junior app creators are enveloped in a brouhaha with uni administration after a number of students started using the seemingly innocuous iPhone app, WhatTime, which promised to be “the world’s first social university timetable app that allows you to view, share and compare your university class timetable”.

The third-party app required students to submit their login details, which set off alarm bells for UTS administration and triggered a campus-wide email warning students against using the app.

“Dear Student... Your UTS username and password allows access to all your student data, including the ability to access your email account or to enrol or withdraw you from courses. Entering your UTS username and password into a non-UTS system could lead to a compromise of your personal information...”

WhatTime responded with their own defensive message, “We would appreciate if UTS would stop spreading rumours.

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WhatTime does not store your university password anywhere… Unfortunately UTS don’t realise that 5000 students from UTS want their university to come into the modern era, hence LOVE WhatTime.”

When asked on their Facebook page what sort of protection was used to ensure confidential data wasn’t compromised, the WhatTime team employed the tried and true method of obfuscation, “This is Facebook, a public forum. Maybe not the right place to discuss. You can contact us offline...”

God help any students who find themselves enrolled into ‘Accounting A’.

At least now you have someone to blame, besides yourself.

At the time of print, all UTS timetables remained embargoed through the app.

UTS TAKING THE PISS Looks like that latest detox can do more than keep you fit and fabulous this summer – your pee might be used to help keep Alumni Lawn lush and healthy. That’s the gist of what the UTS Institute for Sustainable Futures (ISF) has planned. One of its upcoming pet projects involves harvesting the urine of UTS students for reuse as agricultural fertiliser. Special ‘urine diversion’ toilets with dual plumbing systems will be installed in the new Broadway building to separate the ‘nutritious’ urine from the solids. It’s precious, golden stuff.

Professor Cynthia Mitchell, head of the ISF Sustainability Unit, says “Urine contains all the essential nutrients needed by plants to grow… diverting urine to agriculture makes good sense.” It brings new meaning to the phrase ‘don’t shit in your own backyard’, right?

CLARE THEE WELL In keeping with the recent pattern of bars closing down (RIP Glasshouse), The Clare Hotel will close its doors by the end of this year to be redeveloped by international boutique hotel group, Unlisted Collection. A local hangout for UTS students, the pub famous for its sunken couches and grubby interior will be made into a swanky sixty-room hotel, complete with a rooftop pool, bar and three restaurants.

A rooftop pool directly opposite the Tower building? Scandalous! The new project is still awaiting approval from the state planning department.

HOW MANY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO (A)MEND A CONSTITUTION? Your elected student representatives in the UTS Students’ Association have set themselves the mammoth task this year of updating the SRC Constitution, a document that has not been updated since early Internet times (circa 2004). Proposed amendments include: constitutionally establishing the Collectives (e.g. Wom*n’s, Queer, Indigenous) and their autonomy, and drawing up an ‘objectives clause’ to help ensure that the Constitution is interpreted as per its original intention.

The updated document will need to be successfully passed through the SRC, a quorum of 100 students, and lastly, the University Council, the highest executive body on campus.

This was the final hurdle at which the draft fell in 2000-2001, when the Students’ Association took the case to the NSW Supreme Court and lost. Failure to receive the stamp of approval this time around will once again set the campaign for constitutional change back years.

For more information, turn to Douglas McDonald’s report on page 14, or the President’s Report on page 40.

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jazz, which explained his rambling playing style and the lack of a discernible melody. Yuki told me proudly that she is self-taught on the keyboard, despite not being able to read sheet music.

“I love it!” she explained.

I realised that I have never learnt a proper skill purely out of love. It always seems to be for money or academic merit or necessity. But love? That’s brave. Bravery is certainly not something I had associated with busking before, but under the fluorescent tunnel light it struck me as fitting.

When I asked Yuki and John, rather pointedly, why they busked at all, it took a few seconds for them to respond. I expected answers like “extra money” or “to promote our music to passersby”.

“It gives us something to do,” replied John. “To keep our skills fresh.”

“Not for the money?” I asked.

John laughed. “It’s pretty good, usually, but not enough to keep

THE

SECRET LIVES OF CENTRAL STATION BUSKERS

SILENCE HAD CONVINCED ME

TUNNEL DURING PEAK HOUR? WHO ARE THEY? WHY DO THEY PLAY? E M I LY M E L L E R DECIDED TO FIND OUT.

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Down the end closest to UTS, I met Owen, who was cheerfully performing on a white accordion. He gave me his business card, revealing he was a part-time music teacher and performer.

“This is a fisharmonica, not an accordion,” he informed me.

“Fisharmonica is actually the proper name. They were invented before pianos – did you know that?”

Owen had a mop of hair and an overenergised manner, as though he was fuelled by excessive caffeine and unable to focus on

HIS

EVER WONDER ABOUT THE MUSICIANS WHO LINE THE WALLS OF THE CENTRAL STATION

man sat on a scuffed milk crate on the side of the Central Station tunnel. He placed a black case on the ground, opened it and produced a weird string instrument. Quietly, almost hesitantly, he began to play.

For everyone else, the tunnel is just an unpleasant part of their daily commute. Grimy, fluorescent and lined with odd murals, the tunnel is not a place anyone hangs around for long. Hundreds of pairs of feet stomp along, the sound mingling with echoing voices and the metallic screech of trains. In the middle of it sat this man. I wanted to know more about him, and how he could spend so much time in this place. As clichéd as it sounds, the SBS slogan “everyone has a story” is completely true.

I approached him. He smiled and nodded. I didn’t quite know how to go up to a stranger and question them without having prearranged an interview, without background research. So I dropped 20c into the open case and waited for a break in the songs.

“Hi, I wanted to ask you—” “I speak no English,” he explained.

“I am Chinese.”

“Oh, well—” He resumed playing his music and didn’t look my way again. He seemed impossibly calm. How could I make him talk? His silence had convinced me that he must have an extraordinary story of heartbreak and tragedy. Was it like all the documentaries on the ABC? Had he had endured a long and arduous journey only to reach our shores and end up here, busking? Had he been addicted to

us going. We don’t busk just for money – it wouldn’t be enough.”

I asked if they ever felt underappreciated here, playing music for such an unresponsive crowd. Surprisingly, they told me that quite a few people tend to stop and thank them, or have a quick chat on their way through. Not everyone, obviously, but at least someone most days. As John pointed out, it isn’t the best spot to have long conversations.

drugs and then saved by his passion for the erhu? Was he on the run for uncovering a conspiracy and forced to earn money in cash to avoid detection by authorities?

“Are you sure you don’t speak English?”

He just smiled and nodded.

Perhaps he was just a guy who wanted a place to practise and his wife had told him to do it outside. Maybe he just played because it was something he liked to do.

A little further down I spotted a couple immersed in upbeat but unidentifiable songs on a keyboard and acoustic guitar. The man barely looked up from his rather battered instrument. Meanwhile, the woman jabbed at the keyboard with a huge smile on her face.

Meet John and Yuki, a married couple who told me they play here four or five days every week of the year.

When I asked them if they could talk for a few minutes, I was genuinely taken aback at how friendly they were. It is not often you find people in the city who will put down whatever they are doing just to chat. I have been known to rush past people I do know and send them a “Sorry – late” text a minute later.

Here were two total strangers who just stopped playing midsong. John actually asked me the first question, “What is it you do, Emily?”

I had to turn it around pretty quickly; I was the one with an article to write after all. It turned out John and Yuki also play gigs at various Sydney venues as their main source of income. John improvised

PHOTOGRAPHY: JACK JONES

THAT HE MUST HAVE AN EXTRAORDINARY STORY OF

HEARTBREAK AND TRAGEDY

any one thing at a time. He was also brimming with musical facts, which he shared with me almost compulsively.

“It is hard to tune a piano, you know, but this never goes out of tune. Actually, I think an Australian guy invented the keyboard piano, and that never goes out of tune either. Can you imagine? A guy in Queensland I think, and he invented it.”

So far I had only asked why he played an accordion. It turned out that Owen could also play the trombone, trumpet, guitar, piano and keyboard. I asked what kind of music he played on the accordion.

“Rhythm and blues: R&B. But I don’t think that is what they call R&B anymore, is it? R&B is more rapping and things and I play a fisharmonica instead, like the old jazz clubs in New Orleans. That kind of thing, you know?”

I did not know. I imagined a smooth almost country-style sound, which is kind of what Owen played. Unfortunately, to my untrained ears, almost all songs on a fisharmonica just sound like someone playing an accordion. But it certainly made for appropriate walking music and could at least be heard above the din of the Tunnel.

It was hard to get Owen to talk much about his life. He much

preferred talking about guitar, keyboards and music than about his past as a maintenance worker. He was content, immersed in the world of music any way he could be, and for the moment that meant coming to the tunnel to play. Assuming that most people ignored buskers, I asked if he ever feels isolated by this work.

“Oh, no, people are very nice. They like to come and have a chat, five or six a day have a chat.”

The idea of the faceless crowd who ignore their surroundings seemed to be a myth. John, Yuki and Owen often talk to people in the tunnel, and are more than happy to do so. Perhaps being a busker requires one to actually enjoy talking to strangers and to be open to any opportunity to connect with a fellow human being.

I expected to end this article with a philosophical sentiment about learning how to listen. Instead, it seems more useful to learn how to just start talking. They may not have revealed scandalous secrets or tragic tales, but the buskers of Central Station still offer important insights into what it means to live in Sydney, and how to fight off the feeling of isolation that so often plagues citysiders.

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TAKE UP YOUR ARMS MADELEINE CLARKE INVESTIGATES THE ISSUES SURROUNDING THE 2013 NATIONAL DAY OF ACTION AND THEIR IMPLICATIONS FOR UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ACROSS AUSTRALIA.

U

niversity students nationwide united on March 27 for the National Day of Action (NDA). With banners held high, students and supporters marched from UTS to Town Hall for the National Union of Student’s biggest annual day of activism.

Jade Tyrrell, president of the National Union of Students, said student involvement and awareness of the issues affecting them is crucial this year.

“We are facing a potential Liberal government, and we are seeing course cuts happening around the country. We’re seeing potential fee increases and also potential fee deregulation and that’s something we really need to fight.”

So what does this all mean for you? Whether you’re on a strict ramen diet or commute comfortably in your parents’ Porsche to university each morning, one fact remains: you will graduate with a decade of debt. At the beginning of this year the Grattan Institution Report found that accumulated HECS debt across the country has risen by ten billion dollars since 2007, with numbers climbing.

Compounding the issue, last year university places were deregulated in a bid to increase the number of Australians with Bachelor degrees to forty percent by 2020. The floodgates opened and the students flowed in, yet government funding for universities has remained stagnant.

Student bodies insist the answer to this issue is increased government funding. But others, from senior business bodies to vice-chancellors, are calling for fee deregulation.

Deregulation would see government caps on fees removed, either partially or completely, allowing universities to charge more for the courses they provide.

The Coalition has refused to rule it out as a possibility in the lead up to the election.

Jennifer Westacott, CEO of the Business Council of Australia, suggests that without also deregulating fees, universities will not be able to attract the teaching and facilities needed to offer a top quality, globally competitive education.

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“If you deregulate quantity but not price, you’ll discourage diversification of service,” she said in a speech at the Universities Australia Higher Education Conference this year.

Professor Fred Hilmer, Vice-Chancellor of UNSW and chair of the Group of Eight, shares this view and believes deregulation of fees in subjects where students graduate into high-income-earning professions is necessary.

Both maintain the need for fairness and further measures to ensure continued access to university for students from lower socio-economic back grounds.

However, student unions believe higher fees and debt will inevitably act as a deterrent and drastically limit access.

NSW rally organiser and Officer for Education, Kate Alway said, “I think it’s rather silly to be encouraging us to not plan for the future and to take on unmanageable debt.”

Everybody seems to agree on one thing: universities need more money. The question is where it will come from. The unions and cross campus activism groups involved in the rally posit free education as an ideal, but acknowledge the difficulty involved in making it a reality.

Issues surrounding the distribution of the Student Services and Amenities Fee, staff cuts and the legality of course costs are also being addressed at the NDA. “As students it’s more important than ever to not allow our unis and governments to make decisions that really affect us without consulting us and having our best interests at heart,” Ms Tyrrell said.

Cross campus activism is a rare event in modern Australia but the recent establishment of the Cross Campus Education Action Network is a promising step towards the reinvigoration of the student movement within NSW. Ms. Alway said, “We can’t leave it up to anybody else…. The government is swayed by this myth of public opinion, and… we have to stand up for ourselves. We have to let everybody know that it’s an issue, that these problems are real and people need to take notice.”

Whether you took up arms and marched on the 27th or passed by the masses without making eye contact, this is an ongoing issue well worth paying attention to.

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MOBILE DEVICES

GOING W I T H O U T: LAZINESS

IS IT OKAY FOR ARTISTS TO SELL OUT? UNI LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING SACRIFICES. WE FIND OURSELVES GIVING THINGS UP IN ORDER TO MAKE ENDS MEET. THIS MONTH, JAMES HAYDON TRIES LIFE WITHOUT INACTIVITY.

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niversity students are a lazy bunch. We bitch and moan than bouldering. Once you get past explaining what it is — like about an 11am tutorial (I have to get up at 9am!?), about rock climbing but you don’t have a harness (no, you don’t die if having to work, (seriously, don’t they understand that this you fall; you do it above squishy foam mats, yes, it’s still about stuff is totally beneath me?), living at home (I can’t even bring five metres off the ground so don’t TRY and fall) — you realise a girl back without my parents getting all weird), uni fees, the that it requires endurance, flexibility and grip strength in spades. cost of food, and the list goes on. But if there’s one way in which It’s not the best if you’re self conscious though: try watching students are particularly lazy, it’s exercise. people swing themselves up impossible climbs with almost no Okay, that’s not strictly true. There are two types of students: effort, while you struggle to pull up your own body weight. those that don’t care about fitness at all, and those that care a But after three weeks, I was actually able to climb to an little too much. The former are a little acceptable beginners standard, and had softer around the edges, while the others entered our club’s competition, where I talk about the gym constantly, perhaps IF YOU WANT TO QUICKLY LEARN was coming dead last. to their social peril (although they are While this was going on, I’d also been HOW FIT YOU ARE, I CAN’T arguably better to look at). challenged to walk or run 180km by the I wouldn’t say I’m squarely in the unfit end of March. That was 18 days away, RECOMMEND A BETTER SPORT camp — I ran Tough Mudder last year — which meant I had to average 10km per THAN BOULDERING. but over Christmas and the New Year I day. After a few days, my legs were stiff, ate often and exercised little, so I decided my achilles and soleus were starting to that the best way to go without laziness cause issues and I spent most of the runs was to get myself back into gear. I do go to the gym. Sort of… with my heart pounding in my throat.

Sometimes…

The advantage of all this exercise was that I could eat Alright, not as frequently as I should, but in January I quickly properly and not have to worry about putting on weight. Which realised there wasn’t much point in going more often — I’d just compared to my horrific no-carbs experience from Issue 1 was slowly go insane. absolute bliss. There are few things better in this world than Instead, I looked elsewhere for exercise. My friend and I had tucking into a massive meal when you’re so exhausted you can’t (drunkenly) decided on New Year’s Eve to go rock climbing, but lift your arms and your hands are so blistered from climbing that accidentally booked a bouldering gym instead. If you want to it hurts to use chopsticks. Pro tip: the cool metal of your cop-out quickly learn how fit you are, I can’t recommend a better sport spoon provides a welcome relief.

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FOR

AGAINST SAM MCGINT Y STEPH DI VAL

We would all love for our favourite artists to exist free from the obligation to make their music marketable, but this is unrealistic if we also want music that is readily accessible.

Music is a service, an industry, an art form and for many musicians, a job. This is where the issue of ‘selling out’ comes into play. For me, this can mean one of two things. Either that you sign with a record label in order to gain wider exposure or that you commercialise your sound in order to sell more records. But can we really blame people for selling a shitty product when there is a demand for it? If Justin Bieber was to break free of the shackles of teeny bop (or whatever music it is he makes) to produce the experimental, post-rock album we all sense he’s itching to write, he would have thousands of fellow teenagers leaping at the chance to take his place as a part-time musician/ Usher escort.

There are exceptions to this mainstream process, and they have the creative freedom to do whatever they want.

They’re either ridiculously talented or have earned their status through populist channels, proving that artists have to play the game if they want the job security that allows creative freedom. So selling out is what exactly? Signing on to a record label? Allowing an engineer to commercialise your sound? Without those two things, we may have never have heard the likes of the albums OK Computer, Nevermind, Lateralus, Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and A Night at the Opera. Can you imagine a world without these works of musical awesomeness? For all the evils we associate with record labels and mass commercialisation of music, some amazing stuff has come out of it.

“Sell-out (noun): Derogatory label applied to artists who somehow stray from the reason they became famous in the first place.”

At twenty years of age, the early-onset grumpy old woman (EOGOW) inside of me wants to have a rant. She’s sick of everyone having a price, and beyond frustrated about buying the deluxe edition of an album only to find that the one song that compelled her to buy it is in fact the highlight of the album and that she wasted thirty-something dollars on discshaped faeces. This never used to happen.

This EOGOW shakes her fist at how Katy Perry’s early days have been maimed by the people in control of producing her Teenage Dream vomit-worthy pop. Katy, you were so much better than that. Sell out. But selling out isn’t always a death sentence for one’s integrity. Up-and-coming band, The xx, have rocketed to fame, finding love from the mainstream market. They attribute their success to resisting the pressure of popular demands and sticking to their creative guns. And instead of tsk-tsking about it, I sit back and smile a small, triumphant smile.

So as much as I want to kick and scream about all the people who have taken advantage of fame and its consequent lifestyle, there’s a whole bunch of people out there who stay true to their art, while making the most of the opportunities presented to them. And I can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted by lots of money, when I just have to follow a producer’s rules.

So kudos to a lot of Aussie artists, like Horrorshow and King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, who refuse to conform.

You’re hugely popular for it.

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Changing the

Rules

DOUGLAS MCDONALD THINKS THE STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION’S CONSTITUTION IS OUTDATED.

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he Students’ Association aims to make your life at they will only ever be as independent as the current SRC UTS better. It stands up for you in disputes with allows them to be. staff and even whole faculties, it provides essential Even worse, there is no way of resolving disputes about services and it campaigns for lower fees and better what the Constitution actually means. If the SRC commit amenities. The Constitution is what lets the Students’ an unconstitutional act by going beyond their powers or Association do what it does. This means the Constitution abusing your trust, the Constitution provides no remedy is important. for any student. We have a Constitution that works on the The Constitution establishes how the SRC, your elected assumption that everyone will follow the rules, all the time. student representatives, run the Students’ Association. It To sum up, we have a Constitution that bears no determines how we hold elections, who we can elect and resemblance to what our Students’ Association actually what they can do to fulfil the promises they make to you. looks like, and its ambiguity and lack of proper mechanisms for resolving disputes are actually It makes the second-hand bookshop, preventing us from helping you.

Bluebird Brekkie Bar and free legal This has to change. Fortunately, it service possible. ... WE HAVE A will.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot wrong CONSTITUTION This year, the Students’ Association with the Constitution. And its flaws THAT BEARS NO will be running a campaign to and omissions are limiting what your RESEMBLANCE change the Constitution. We want student representatives can do to TO WHAT OUR to ensure that your SRC runs more improve your life on campus.

STUDENTS’ transparently and efficiently, and that Our Constitution was last ASSOCIATION you get the greatest benefit out of amended in 2004: before the SSAF, ACTUALLY LOOKS our services. We want to abolish the before the Master Plan and before LIKE... position of Treasurer and create a new Facebook. Some of its provisions Welfare Officer to run campaigns are completely meaningless. It sets up ‘Campus Committees’, which have not met in on your behalf. We want to constitutionally enshrine the living memory and have no actual powers. It appoints Collectives and protect their autonomy. Finally, we want to Campus Conveners to oversee these non-existent Campus make sure that, if people do think the Constitution is being Committees. It creates the position of Treasurer, despite the violated, there is a definitive way to resolve such an issue. fact that all accounting and auditing is done by employees We need your help. To change the Constitution, we of the Students’ Association with real experience. Every need to pass a Campus Resolution with a quorum of 100 year, we dutifully elect Conveners, Campus Committees students, and more than half of them need to vote for and a Treasurer, despite the fact that none of these jobs change. We’ll be speaking at your lectures, putting up have actual functions. posters and talking to you one-on-one to make the case Our Collectives are not recognised by the Constitution, for change. Help us improve the quality of life for all UTS and their autonomy is not guaranteed. This means that students.

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ASKING THE HARD QUESTIONS ABOUT ORGAN DONATION

R AC HE L WORSLE Y CHATS TO LIZZIE BARRETT, CO-FOUNDER OF THE FILMLIFE PROJECT, ABOUT CREATIVE WAYS TO ENGAGE YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE ORGAN DONATION DISCUSSION.

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ighty percent of young people aged 16-29 would donate organs or tissue to save a person’s life, yet forty percent of young people have not told their families about their donation wishes. As a result, many organ donation procedures don’t go ahead, jeopardising the lives of the many Australians waiting for life saving transplants every year.

Lizzie Barrett, co-founder of the FilmLife Project, believes that utilising the creative arts, particularly film, is an effective way to engage young adults and raise awareness about the importance of talking to your family about organ donation.

“A lot of the resources out there are not particularly creative. Things like fact sheets [and] brochures have their place, but they engage a very specific audience.”

Instead, she envisions a very different way of engaging the young community, through the FilmLife Project. As a former organ donation coordinator currently working as an intensive care nurse, Barrett created the organisation with Kerrie Noonan, a PhD student at the University of Western Sydney.

She was inspired after seeing a workshop run by sixteen-yearold students, which sought to promote awareness about organ donation.

“They developed a performance piece around organ donation, and we basically took this model and tried to make this a big thing and apply for funding,” she explains.

The FilmLife Project operates on a simple premise: to capture the stories of organ and tissue donation through the eyes of young people in an annual film competition, and to spark conversation.

“A picture speaks a thousand words, and it really has a way of breaking down walls and breaking down barriers in a way that few things can do,” says Barrett. “We wanted to give them the opportunity to be creative, to be wacky, to do whatever they wanted, and film seemed like the best medium to do that.”

The success of their vision is perfectly illustrated by the 2012 winner of the FilmLife Project, Josephine Lee. Her film, entitled ‘Ask the Hard Questions’, poses a series of questions about everyday dilemmas with light-hearted humour, before cutting to a shot of double lung transplant patient Roger Lee

imploring viewers to talk to their families about their donation wishes. It was turned into thirty and ninety-second community announcement broadcasts on Foxtel and in cinemas across the country.

Yet, as demonstrated by the forty percent who have yet to discuss organ donation with their families, the topic remains a taboo subject.

“It can be really hard to talk about death and dying when you’re a teenager or in your twenties. It’s not something that you expect to happen to you, so you don’t talk about it. Sometimes the conversation falls on deaf ears… And there are myths that surround organ donation, like being too young or too old, or being against your religion, which are not true,” explains Barrett.

Previously in New South Wales, people registered their wish to donate their organs or tissue at the RMS (Roads and Maritime Services) when applying for or renewing their driver’s license.

However, in response to low rates of organ donation, this has been scrapped in favour of a nationally-recognised body, the Australian Organ Donor Registry, which is administered

by Medicare Australia. Barrett believes this is a good move, especially for young people.

“The reality is, when you go to the RTA at the age of 16, you don’t get given any kind of information. You don’t get the opportunity to learn about organ donation. It’s just a tick in the box. For those young people, you’re excited about your Ls, and you’re not in the headspace to think about the process.”

But registering still means that young people need to discuss their wishes with their families.

“When we talk about consent in Australia, what you put on the registry is a legal consent and we can’t go against it,” says Barrett. “However, if someone dies, the practicality is of taking them out of the intensive care unit through to organ retrieval surgery with a family that doesn’t want it to happen... that’s why we need families to get onboard to understand their loved one’s wishes… that’s why the most important thing young people could do is talk to their family.”

For more information, go to donatelife.gov.au or check out filmlife.com.au to contribute your film.

ISSUE 2 /

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HOW TO TALK

TO ENGINEERS

S

“

THOSE NERDS FROM BUILDING 2 AREN’T THAT HARD TO GET TO KNOW, KIE R AN BOYD VOUCHES.

o what do you do at uni?”

Ah, that old gem, the perpetual icebreaker. A risky one too, considering that only half of your mates are still slogging away at university and a third have already entered the real world (but then there’s that one guy living at home still doing jack-all).

“I’m an engineer.”

There it is: the familiar wave of judgement washes a virtual cap onto your head, one that is labelled, among other things, ‘nerd’.

The stigma that accompanies your profession is something you accepted long ago when you signed up for this course, alongside depressing textbook costs and dismal class gender ratios.

“Oh, cool. What type?”

Yes, even though nobody can quite pin down what we engineers do, they recognise that there exist multiple versions of us, like Digimon or vitamin water. No one ever investigates the specific nature of a lawyer’s studies, but that’s because most people dryretch whenever “banking and financial market regulation” enters a conversation. But somehow the mention of engineers sparks a bizarre curiosity in others that demands specificity.

So let’s lay it out for you non-engineers; it ain’t that complicated: •Civil engineers make big things that don’t move, or at least shouldn’t.

•Mechanical engineers make things that do move, or at least should.

•Electrical engineers work with electricity. No surprise there.

•Mechatronic engineers are mechanical engineers and electronic engineers combined.

•Aeronautical engineers are the final evolution of mechanical engineers.

•Computer engineers create anything computerish you’ve put your hands on.

•Software engineers manage all the IT stuff you can’t physically punch in frustration.

•All the others are pretty self-explanatory or don’t count.* But your new potential friend isn’t privy to these distinctions, so you may as well respond in Romanian for all the help it does.

From that first mention of The E Word, the conversation has taken on a peculiar tone where you can become the interviewee and/or specimen.

You might think that this little interaction is over, but no. This individual has met you, labelled you, explored you, but they are yet to connect with you. You’re just one of those alien creatures who

spill from Building 2 with strange talk of balancing equations and capstone projects. Perhaps it’s our fragmented campus, but the sleek, suited Building 5 students and the coffee-chugging Building 6 kids are worlds from your own; how could you possibly bond successfully? Yet there’s a slim door of opportunity, and they see their chance: “Oh. My cousin James does engineering at UNSW. Civil engineering, I think…”

Just like that, as if to say, “Well, I’ve extended the olive branch of friendship, how are you going to react to that?”

How does one react to that?!

“Oh sure, Jimmy, yeah I know him. We’re practically engineering besties. He does great work with bridges and walls and things. It’s great that we have this connection; we’re basically family now!”

Nope. Contrary to popular belief, we do not keep a working knowledge of all the engineers across the entire city, certainly not the entire world. There’s no monstrous Facebook page that’s marked ‘Engineers ONLY; Normal People KEEP OUT’. The dynamic of Quebecois aeronautical engineering is far beyond my simple social sphere, sorry.

Now, this may seem a bit much, but I’ve shared this conversation many times. I put it down to a societal lack of understanding of what we engineers are, precisely (something to do with engines, right?).

Perhaps it’s easier to recognise that teachers teach, managers manage, and lawyers law (or at least they would, if English would present any semblance of order), than the fact that engineers engineer; our profession is defined by the verb itself, “to design or create”. Ultimately, we think up stuff and then actually make it.

We’re the kids who never truly grew out of LEGO, who eventually pulled apart our remote-controlled car, who couldn’t sit through a session of Mario Kart without commenting on level design.

So how should one react to that original response, “I’m an engineer”? The best tact is to grin in recognition, skip the interrogatory minutiae and jump straight to, “So, what’s the latest thing you’ve made?” Ask any engineer worth their proverbial grain of salt, and they’ll gladly gush over their most recent project or ideas.

Actually, you might want to tack on to the end of that question “...in 25 words or less”, lest you find yourself overwhelmed by an explanation of retaining wall regulations and the limitations of C++ over C#.

We may be a queer breed, us ‘makers’, and I’m sure you know one or two of us already, but if you truly want to befriend us, skip the small talk and cut straight to the point – it’s what we do best! * Sorry, so many enemies made here. <3 chemical engineers.

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/ ISSUE 2

THE GRADUATE SPEAKS: BARGAINING

A MAN WHO WISHES TO BE KNOWN ONLY AS THE GRADUATE REMINDS US THERE IS LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

I

would have given my life savings to avoid the pantsshittingly dull interview I attended this week. It was for the position of Account Manager at a daily print-publication for commuters. Out of propriety, or perhaps cowardice, I won’t name the publication. Nor will I name the notorious media conglomerate that owns it: let’s just call them Gnus Ltd. When I arrived at the Gnus Ltd. office in Surry Hills I was escorted to a room where I met the other participants of the group interview. There were four of them, all young women, sitting around a makeshift boardroom table that had been assembled from a bunch of smaller wheelie tables. Sweat patches were appearing under their armpits – the women’s, I mean, not the tables’ – and we all wore plastered-on smiles as we forged our way through stilted chitchat.

A few minutes later, three women in their 30s came in and introduced themselves. There was Tracey, the editor; Sarah, the Advertising Manager; and Kim, the account manager manager or something. They explained that our first challenge was to work together to find a solution to a hypothetical scenario. I soon realised, however, that it was actually irresolvable. Instead it was intended merely to test our capacity for teamwork, multi-tasking, self-starting, creative thinking, solutions-architecture, and the rest of that trendy bilge that people in the industry say about media jobs. Tracey, Sarah and Kim each sat silently taking notes while we five interviewees made an exhibition of our insincerely genial brainstorming session. I felt like I was on one of those hellish panel shows where humourists like Clive Anderson and the ever-tedious David Mitchell compete to be the funniest in the room: everyone’s seen to be enjoying themselves but you know that really, under the table, the competitors are sharpening their claws and they’re ready to do whatever it takes to outperform everyone else.

Next we were each given a laptop and we had fifteen minutes to draft two emails on behalf of some senior executive. And I tell you what, when I grow up I want one of those plum executive positions where interns and other people do all your work, and your only responsibility is to

present an annual report to the shareholders and then take a multi-million-dollar payout when you inevitably fuck everything up and step down.

Finally we each had an individual interview with Tracey and Sarah. They called me in last, and although they were nice enough, we still covered all the usual hackneyed bunkum: where do you see yourself in five years’ time?

Busking shirtless in Devonshire Tunnel. What is your greatest weakness? Punctuality. And, of course, why do you want this position? Because I’m povo. Their final question was about my salary expectations. I said around $55 000$60 000 a year, based on my experience and skill set (all bluff).

It was the end of the week when Tracey called me back to tell me I hadn’t gotten the job because, apparently, I was over-qualified. I asked her what salary they were offering, and she said, “$35 000 to $40 000, tops.”

I said, “You know, sandwich artists make more than that. So do baristas.”

“What’s your point?” she replied.

“Well, I’ve got a Bachelor of Arts from UTS.”

“Yeah, and so does everyone else in hospitality.

Listen, mate: if you wanted a career, you shouldn’t have gone to clown college. Simple as that.” Then she hung up.

I’m sure you’ll understand, friends, that, like a first-year student in Week 4 of Language and Discourse, I’m feeling confused, desperate, and full of doubt about the decisions that have led me to this juncture. But I must press on. Having read this third article in my dubious column, you will see that, despite the HD average I sustained throughout my studies, I am still down, very much out, and thoroughly beshitten.

So, my dear chums, let us join together in mock prayer: may you make more contacts than someone who produces corrective lenses, may you fit more internships into your schedule than UTS crams students into tutorials, and may you find your own path to a degree of happiness, because I assure you, a degree in Communication only guarantees misery and disillusionment.

X-men. I mean, Amen.

ISSUE 2 /

/ 17

SHOWCASE FASHION:

COURTNEY HOLM

M

“

18 /

Y DESIGNS ARE AIMED AT EXPLORING AN ELEVATED CREATIVE SPACE WITHIN A MENSWEAR CONTEXT. I OFTEN FIND MYSELF FRUSTRATED WITH FASHION, SO WHEN I DESIGN, I IMAGINE ALL THE POSSIBILITIES WITHIN MY CONCEPT THAT CAN HELP ME CREATE SOMETHING REALLY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT’S CURRENTLY AVAILABLE. WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME I CAN’T OR JUST SHOULDN’T DO SOMETHING IN FASHION, IT ONLY DRIVES ME TO WANT TO DO IT MORE. I FEEL I’M CONSTANTLY WORKING ON FINDING THAT SOLUTION AND BALANCE. THE ULTIMATE WEARABILITY OF MY GARMENTS IS ANOTHER VERY IMPORTANT ASPECT IN MY APPROACH TO DESIGN. SIMPLY PUT, I JUST GET REALLY EXCITED ABOUT DESIGNING SUPER COOL MENSWEAR.” / ISSUE 2

ISSUE 2 /

/ 19

JOB EN Y THESE YOUNG ADULTS DON’T CLEAN UP LEFTOVERS OR FOLD CLOTHES FOR A LIVING. VERTIGO TALKED TO SOME UNDER 25S ABOUT BEING YOUNG AND HAVING A JOB THAT ACTUALLY LOOKS GOOD ON YOUR RESUME.

THOM WOODROOFE IS A FOREIGN AFFAIRS ANALYST

Describe a normal day/night/hour at work. ‘Normal’— now there is a concept! I spend a lot of time overseas travelling for different things, but I could equally be working from the couch at home on an article or having lots of Melbourne latte meetings on a project I am working on.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? As Hillary’s trusted foreign policy advisor in The White House, of course! In all seriousness, I hope to be working on developing the diplomatic capacity of many smaller countries; particularly to be able to influence key issues that inherently will impact them the most such as climate change.

20 /

/ ISSUE 2

Biggest perks and irks of the job?

They are one and the same! I get to travel lots overseas, but this also means regular jetlag, time away from home and missing the simple things like birthdays and friends even bothering to see if you are free for coffee.

Worst advice you ever received about your job or success? Follow the pack! Most people my age are in graduate jobs and while they might be earning more than me, I really enjoy the dynamic cross-sectoral nature of what I do, and the freedom it gives me to explore and learn new things.

Best advice? Harness the audacity of youth! Being young means you will discriminated against by some, but it also means you can have an excusable cheekiness in how you approach things. Be ambitious and never be afraid to pursue a crazy idea or get in touch with anyone in the world for help. You might just be surprised. Oh and read lots: the world is a complicated place!

SAM ATTWOOD

Describe a normal day/night/hour at work. Get on stage, make people laugh, get off stage.

Describe a normal day/night/hour at work. Wake up and go for a run — creativity comes easier after some endorphins. Then I go to the Edge, a great initiative in Brisbane for creatives. Not having a day-to-day office can be taxing, but changing environments also tends to benefit people in creative fields.

IS A COMEDIENNE

DARA HAYES IS DJ TIGERLILY

I say success, you say... There is always more to do, learn and explore!

NINA OYAMA

Describe a normal day/night/hour at work. Amazing music, fake eyelashes, vodka-lime soda, serious fist-pumping and lots of smiles!

Where do you see yourself in ten years? Hopefully still playing music all over the world and writing the kind of music I love. I’m honestly living the dream at the moment; I’d just love to be doing it on a bigger scale in 10 years time!

I say success, you say… Determination.

It’s the only way to achieve your goals and ultimately gain that success you want.

What’s been your biggest hurdle?

I think for me the biggest hurdle comes on a daily basis and that is balancing every aspect of my life whether it be music, study, partying.

Biggest perks and irks? Perks are definitely being able to work with some of the most inspirational and intelligent people. Also being a form of inspiration to others and being able to positively impact the lives of others is definitely a perk. My biggest irk would be waking up at 1am after a power nap and having to put on a full face of makeup. This is made 10 times worse when it’s cold and raining outside.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? Hopefully still doing comedy and writing for TV. I’d love to be living in a big city overseas, preferably in an apartment or house… Being homeless would definitely have a negative impact on my stand-up career.

Who or what inspires you? Lena Dunham and Tina Fey. They both have brilliant work ethics, they’re pretty much self-made and they’re brilliant, intelligent comediennes.

I say success, you say... I think success is doing what you love for a living. You don’t even have to be a CEO, you could work at Coles and if you had a passion for stacking shelves, you would be successful.

What’s been your biggest hurdle?

Learning to be professional. It doesn’t matter what room you are playing in comedy, or even how good your comedy is: if you’re not professional about it, you won’t get booked. You need to be aware that people are constantly judging you for what you’re doing both on and off stage.

Worst advice you ever received about your job or success? Don’t talk about ‘insert polarising topic here’ on stage.

I am a firm believer that you can talk about anything as long as it’s funny.

RUNS YOUR FRIENDS HOUSE

AIDAN HIRN

IS A FREELANCE MAKEUP ARTIST

Describe a normal day/night/hour at work. Working like crazy for one or two hours then being on hand to make sure everything stays perfect!

Who or what inspires you? I treat makeup like an ar t form so I get inspired by all the things other artist get inspired by. Colours, shapes, music; stuff I see and hear everyday. I’m also incredibly inspired by drag. It’s really a performance art on another level and it’s a makeup I love to do.

What has been your biggest hurdle?

Definitely having the confidence to step out of the comfort of makeup school and into the industry. I was basically thrown into the film industry and I just pretended like I knew what I was doing and eventually I didn’t have to pretend anymore.

Worst advice you ever received about your job or success? Probably just people putting limitations on what you can do in makeup. When I first started telling people I was getting into makeup the response was usually “Oh cute so you want to work for Napoleon or something?” Makeup is so much more than just beauty; there are no limitations in the industry. It’s amazing once you get started and realise that.

Where do you see yourself in ten years? I’d like to see Your Friends House evolve into something a little more multifaceted… The value of a good brand is massive in the modern day, and when you ’re using the Internet as your foundations, the sky is the limit. A financially viable office with a swag of like-minded people would be my dream, and that’s not too far off apparently.

What’s been your biggest hurdle?

Paying rent.

B i g g e s t p e r k s a n d irks of the job? Perk s would have to be accommodating work hours and location. Irks would have to be the instabilit y of running your own business. From the outside it may look appealing, but I swear it’s taking a hefty toll on my blood pressure.

Worst advice you ever received about your job or success? “Do it for yourself” — it’s cool and cliché and all that shit, but doing something for yourself will never get you a noteworthy level of success.

ISSUE 2 /

/ 21

~ honest careers advisor ~ ARTS/DAB

SCIENCE

LAW

HEALTH

ENGINEERING

IT

Are you hugely talented & considered a genius by people other than your parents?

You’ll probably get a job. We all hate you.

Do you have a G.P.A of 3.8?

Are you hoping to transfer to medicine?

Do you like to drink beer excessively?

Can you hack more than just your friend’s FB?

YES

NO YES

YES

NO

Do you have a lot of money to fund your burgeoning career?

YES

Have you done 12 internships & slept with someone in your field?

NO NO YES

Do you know someone who will take pity on you & give you a job?

YES

Well, fuck you then.

NO

YES

Is one of your family members a judge?

Fries, please.

Do you have a HD average?

Please study anyway.

Ps may get degrees but you have people’s health in you hands.

Are you willing to work 23 hours a day at a law firm?

NO

YES

Congrats! You might design the next tower or write the student handbook.

NO

NO

YES

NO

Does your family own a law firm?

Can you read 3000 pages a day?

NO

YES NO Good luck remembering anything you learnt in your degree.

NO You will be at uni forever trying to change into medicine.

Give up now.

NO Congrats, one day you’ll see a judge after you forget to pay your parking fines.

Go back and pick a new degree.

You’re here for all the wrong reasons.

YES

Are you sure you’re an engineer?

Go back to the start.

YES

Have you passed all the subjects in your degree?

YES

NO

YES Well done, family businesses have been the fallback for kids since medieval times.

Congrats on choosing a financially viable degree.

You’ll get a well paid job & wear NB sneakers & lame shirts on weekends.

See you in 30 years at our wedding.

You’ll make more money than a mint.

You don’t really need a degree anyway.

Bastard.

STREET STYLE

A POX ON POP CULTURE

UTS IS FULL OF STYLISH STUDENTS. ZARA SELMAN SHARES THE BEST OF THE BEST.

BHARTI

YIFENG

We pretty much followed this stylista into the DAB just to get a snap; we thought she was one of those elusive and expertly dressed Design students.

Think again fash-addicts, once again we’ve been fooled! The gorgeous Bharti is a Business student in her third year, yes another Business student – these third years are really killing it (#theyknowtheirbusiness).

She’s looking darling in her printed vintage shorts, classic white tee and denim jacket (#effortlesschic). Topping her outfit off with super-fun cat-eye sunglasses and black leather cons, she looks understated yet stylish (I’m getting a very model-off-duty vibe or MODV). Super glad we stalked this girl; on point Bharti, on point!

We were loitering around the Concourse when we spied this dapper gentleman. Meet Yifeng, a third year Civil Engineering student, who really knows how to construct a dazzling outfit. He’s mixed tones of blue together to create a solid foundation of stylishness (#yvesklein), the shirt being a particular standout, combining whimsical prints to great effect (see: Paul Smith). He’s built upon this foundation with carefully chosen accessories: the boat shoes add a cute preppy touch, and those glasses and satchel are sah collegiate (#gettingadegreeinswag). Whoever said engineers don’t have style clearly never met this well-dressed gent; we applaud Yifeng for challenging the stereotype (and looking damn fine while he’s at it)!

DOLLI

ALEX JOHNSON STICKS UP FOR HER MAIN GIRL,

QU E E N B.

L

ike most sane people, I have accepted Beyoncé Knowles as my lord and saviour. Amen. Wait... are there people who haven’t? If there are, I don’t want to know them. The reason I bring it up is because recently Queen B has been copping a little criticism.

You may recall at the beginning of the month Beyoncé basically punched the Superbowl-watching public in the face with the sheer force of her fabulousness. She had a 100-strong, all female team supporting her: the backup dancers, the band and the musical director were all sassy ladies. There were pyrotechnics, reunited members of Destiny’s Child and a synchronised line of Beyoncés all viciously pelvic thrusting.

Basically her performance was the very embodiment of Girl Power but with less involvement from the Spice Girls.

She also used the airtime to announce her latest world tour, titled ‘The Mrs Carter Show’. And therein lies the ‘controversy’. Jay-Z’s name, when he’s not telling you the 99 things that do or don’t cause him problems, is Sean Carter, technically making Beyoncé ‘Mrs. Carter’. Naturally, this hat tip to her married life has earned the scorn of many a good feminist.

Now I have no issue with people discussing the implications of Beyoncé using her husband’s name as part of her public identity, because I think that the cultural history of the name change and the ownership it implies is interesting when applied to a celebrity like Beyoncé. But the way that people are talking, you’d think that the poor woman had gotten on stage and advocated a return to subservience on behalf of all women.

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/ ISSUE 2

Let’s be clear about one thing: Beyoncé has done no such thing. Without even getting into all the excellent things that Beyoncé has done for women recently (100+ women on the Super Bowl stage, not a single dude, seriously just go watch it), let’s think about this reasonably: she is 31, she has just had her first child and has probably gotten to a stage in her career where she wants to acknowledge the fact that her family and her marriage are a significant part of her identity.

Come on guys, it’s her fourth world tour. She has been everything from ‘an ex-member of a girl band trying to make a solo career work’ to ‘Sasha Fierce – diva extraordinaire’. If this is her acknowledging a new stage in her life, then she has absolutely earned that right.

On top of that, no one seems to be acknowledging the fact that Beyoncé is not the only person who has done the old switcheroo on the name front. Jay-Z has also taken his wife’s name, a move that is so uncommon that a Florida man who did the same thing was arrested for fraud. So basically, Jay-Z and Beyoncé have taken that oh so modern idea that marriage is supposed to be an equal partnership and put it in writing by taking each other’s names.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that if you think that Beyoncé has irreversibly set back feminism by acknowledging her marriage as part of public identity, yet you think that Lena Dunham is a shining beacon of hope for womankind because she’s written a show about a bunch of white girls having awkward sex in New York, then you’re wrong and probably also kind of a dick.

SS

As every stylish girl knows, the latest way to demonstrate your fashion chops is to accessorise your technology (#fashioninthedigitalage).

Dolli, a third year Business student, clearly got that memo! We are dying over the cerise bunny iPad case, especially in combination with the snakeskin tote and super-fly kicks (#mixamatosis). It’s a total Marc party (#marconmarconmarc). Her oversized black sweater and abstract-print leggings form the perfect background to showcase her accessories; we are particularly enjoying the contrasting colours on her leggings and shoes (#pinkandredsowrongitsright). Dolli’s look is the ultimate antithesis to a contrived aesthetic and we love that she dares to be different – you go gal pal!

ISSUE 2 /

/ 25

ROAD TEST: APHRODISIACS

EVERY ISSUE WE‘LL ROADTEST SOMETHING A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT. THIS MONTH WE, THE VERTIGO TEAM, TRIED TO ENHANCE OUR SEX LIVES (WITH A LITTLE HELP).

MISSION: TO FIND OUT IF THERE IS AN APHRODISIAC STRONG ENOUGH TO GET US OUT OF OUR OFFICE AND INTO OUR BEDS/ BATHROOMS/ SEX DUNGEONS. MOST UNIVERSITY STUDENTS ARE FAIRLY YOUNG AND PROBABLY DON’T NEED ANY HELP IN THE LIBIDO DEPARTMENT, BUT IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF SPARE TIME ON YOUR HANDS (COMMUNICATION STUDENTS?), OR ARE SICK OF PROCRASTINATING AND WANT TO START PROCREATING (MINUS ACTUAL CHILDREN), HERE’S THE GUIDE FOR YOU.

HORNY GOAT WEED

MARVIN GAYE

Prior to buying Horny Goat Weed we googled it to mixed reviews. Some said it worked amazingly after one ‘hit’, others advised taking it for a few weeks in order to maximise its effect. Buying it was embarrassing. It shouldn’t have been, but something about the phrase ‘horny goat’ made my shopping basket feel desperately obvious. Like a girl buying chocolate, tissues and a cucumber on Valentine’s Day, I felt outrageously vulnerable, as if everyone gave a shit about what I was buying. After the adrenaline rush that accompanied the purchase, I expected to feel different, but didn’t.

Perhaps I needed to take it more often. I didn’t. I don’t want arousal to hit halfway through a lecture two weeks from now.

I’m not a big fan of Marvin Gaye, but at least he doesn’t tell me to drop my arse to the floor or push up on him. As Jenna Marbles says in ‘Shake your Dick’, my arse is tired of shaking.

Marvin Gaye is all about inclusive, symbiotic loving i.e. ‘Lets Get It On’. As far as subtlety goes, closing your door and putting on Marvin Gaye is about as surreptitious as reading Fifty Shades of Grey on the train with a vibrating phone resting on your lap. That said, Marvin Gaye is undeniably sexy. Even if you are just laughing about the lyrics and ‘pretending’ to be sexy, you’ll most likely end up in bed.

Aphrodisiac effect: 0/5.

Embarrassment and sex don’t go hand in hand in our minds — though maybe in yours they do. To be fair we didn’t really take it properly.

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/ ISSUE 2

Aphrodisiac effect: 3/5.

“Squeeze me, but please don’t tease me” is lyrical genius.

APHRODISIAC BUFFET

EROTICA

LONELINESS

Most of the foods supposed to be aphrodisiacs have questionable textures.

Oysters are slimy and slide down your throat in a most unsexy way. Asparagus’ name alone is hard enough to get your tongue around. The unpalatable elements of these foods appear to improve the aphrodisiac effect; we can’t help but think “By god, can dinner be over already? Even unflavoured condoms taste better than this.”

Fifty Shades of Grey has given erotica a bad name. As has Mills and Boons’ repetitive billionaires plus virgins formula. We suggest Anais Nin or even your own bad sex poetry as welcome alternatives. Reading about sex, unsurprisingly, makes you think about sex and, therefore, want to have sex. We started reading Delta of Venus but didn’t finish it; we had other things to do.

There’s no aphrodisiac like it.*

Aphrodisiac effect: 2/5.

You should pick foods (and your partner) because you like the taste of them — not because of what people on the Internet or in Cleo say.

Aphrodisiac effect: 5/5.

As long as you aren’t reading Fifty Shades of Grey; lines like ‘He’s my very own Christian Grey popsicle’ should be enough to put you off sex and popsicles for a week.

Aphrodisiac effect: Unknown.

*The Whitlams said so. We don’t know for sure though because we are never lonely. People are always sending love poems and panties to the Vertigo office.

ALCOHOL & MORE ALCOHOL & THEN A LITTLE MORE ALCOHOL Alcohol is a proven aphrodisiac.

Mornings spent de-tagging photos or doing the ‘walk of shame’ are intrinsically linked to the relationship between alcohol and sex. Or, “shit, I hooked up with my cousin after too many tequilas” syndrome. However, while five drinks may make you feel sexier and the person across the room look like Jude Law and Miranda Kerr’s lovechild, dare to have fifteen and most likely the only thing you’ll be locking lips with is the toilet. Proceed with caution.

RESULT: ANY APHRODISIAC IS A GOOD APHRODISIAC IN OUR BOOKS. IF YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT SEX AND MAKING AN ATTEMPT TO BE MORE INTO IT, YOU’LL PROBABLY BE SUCCESSFUL. THE BRAIN IS THE BIGGEST SEX ORGAN SO TURN IT ONNNNNN. AS LONG AS YOU HAVE A WILLING PARTNER (OR SEX TOY), ACHIEVING THE APHRODISIAC EFFECT CAN BE AS SIMPLE AS HEARING, “GET OVER HERE BUDDY, THE INTERNET’S BROKEN AND I’VE GOT NOTHING TO DO.”

Aphrodisiac effect: 4/5.

While editors did not vomit during this roadtest, there may have been (nay, definitely were) embarrassing text messages, nip slips and other undesired, unsexy results

ISSUE 2 /

/ 27

TO THE PENGUIN CLASS BIFOCAL BABE ON MY BUS

SHOWCASE EMMA ROSE SMITH TASMANIAN OYSTER SIBILANCE Oysters just taste so spermy, she says Freshly shucked oysters taste spunky slide across lips surge tastebuds delicious spunky, spermy, yes?

She smirks.

She is forty-seven smooth skin, smugly snug slacks sipping sangria, shucking fresh oysters Salad’ll smell ferocious using these, she says Also these dinner guests, tedious, cigarette? She smokes solo.

First perverse Tasmania stay, sans university friends signed emails saying visit, please visit, spare mattress!

Schnapps! Guinness! Pilsener! Stuyvesant!

Tasmania sways incandescent.

Sailing ocean depths snaring fish, vegetarianism sequestered, swept aside, solo NSW philosophical state.

Tasmanian fish tastes gills smell tails swing as silence sounds against brash hypotheses.

I’m no strumpet just watching you, boy reading book on bus, and all I’m saying is if you were to ink a few sentences of that loquacious book on your Special Protuberance: I could show you so many star dusted ways to give someone ink poisoning

There’s something that always blankets my heart, lullabies my cranium and hot water bottles my bonds briefs: boys reading books on buses.

The orange of your penguin classic is a perfect blotch in the eye of this choked-up sunset and you provoke sir

I’m just saying, boy reading book on bus, you’re beautiful. Unaware and gaping open being fucked by book on bus and I’m watching you.

with your curved neck knuckles bone spine bending to bound spine tapping fingerprints onto fresh ink your throat gargling as you are shot around plots into places that you’d never before known the words to even walk in circles around.

And I respect you.

Would probably spread legs yeah – but only for your intellect. You shock me with your circumspect concentration I suspect you have a Reading Voice with perfect inflection and at least one idiosyncratic pronunciation.

You could be boy reading book in bed reading books to me, reclining in bed your biceps taut the blanket just covering the sentences made by your body but we’d both know your hidden subject would be in the Active Imperative

Turquoise trees produced swollen juice whitish as swill, squirting lips, as offices halls dinners sheets disappeared. Tasmania sways incandescent, squirts juicy, smells fishy, sips sangria, shucks fresh oysters, says these taste spunky, see?

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ILLUSTRATION: GEORGINA O’TOOLE

ISSUE 2 /

/ 29

{

n breaking news, that hipster guy in your tute with the quiff and Oscar Wylee glasses won’t shut the fuck up.

Initially the class was pleased that someone was willing to break the awkward silence, and his thoughts on the lecture seemed insightful.

His summary of the course notes was useful given nobody else had bothered to read them.

But around the five minute mark of his monologue, it became clear that he had no intention of even considering shutting the fuck up as he began to relate course material to his own personal experiences and political views.

I

TERRY BULL INVESTIGATES.

FUCK UP

SHUT THE

REFUSES TO

THAT GUY

H

{

chool photo veteran, Steven Barbados, has made the stunning claim that photography is “no longer able to satisfy humanity’s desire to aesthetically contemplate our world and our position within it”. He has also admitted that he no longer finds the routine of arranging children in height order and encouraging them to smile as exhilarating as he once did.

“I’d always wanted to capture the Rousseauvian innocence of children through the medium of school photography,” wept Barbados, who spent five years studying for a Masters in Children’s Photography, “but I’ve never seen a kid genuinely excited to have their picture taken by a sweaty, shabbily-dressed stranger whose vocabulary consists entirely of words like ‘cheese’ and ‘monkeys’. Art is simply not possible under these circumstances.”

“It’s even hard to muster up the enthusiasm to say ‘smarties’ with any real conviction anymore.”

Despite his controversial statements, a retrospective of Barbados’ work entitled ‘The Agony and the Innocents: St Augustine’s Primary School 2007-2012’ will be opening next month at Barbados’ mother’s house.

S

EURA NIDDIOT WRITES.

PHOTOGRAPHER

“ART IS DEAD,” WEEPS SCHOOL

been extreme,” Ms. Gillard said, “and they may have infringed upon the participants’ basic human rights. But we have decided that the resounding response to the years of policy failure in Western Sydney is the need for Coke bubblers in Western Sydney for people who live in Western Sydney.”

Tony Abbott has also announced the Opposition’s Coke bubbler policy in a speech decrying the evils of water fluoridation in Western Sydney. He argued that Ms. Gillard is personally responsible for the lack of Coke bubblers in Western Sydney and that Coke bubblers in Western Sydney under a Liberal government would taste nicer, and also Western Sydney.

“As an honorary resident of Western Sydney, I know the pressures that the average Western Sydney resident is under and also feel personally betrayed by the lack of Coke bubblers in Western Sydney. Also, under a Liberal government, asylum seekers and dole bludgers will not be able to enjoy these Coke bubblers even if they live in Western Sydney.”

The Greens also announced a new policy this week but it was not about Western Sydney and is therefore insignificant.

The Coke bubbler stoush represents a new focus for both political parties in the lead up to the federal election in September, after which the political sphere can revert back to pretending that Western Sydney does not exist.

We apologise to any individuals, groups or organisations offended by the above attempt at satire.

In no way are the actual contents meant to be taken as factual.

Efforts to intervene have ultimately been in vain. Everyone in the class — including the chubby girl with the anime backpack who never says anything — are interjecting with “but” and “can I just?” and “will you please shut the fuck up,” but his blithe response has so far been to quote last week’s episode of This American Life in its entirety.

It is believed that the assailant expects to get full class participation marks and to possibly get laid, but has yet to clarify his demands to the hostage negotiation squad.

aving gone head to head this week in policy areas such as immigration, education and health, both major parties today announced competing policies to roll out Coke bubblers across the country, in an increasingly desperate effort to attract swing voters.

Prime Minister Gillard announced her Coke bubbler policy in Western Sydney, claiming that the policy has been the result of extensive interrogation of Western Sydney residents to find out what sort of policies the people of Western Sydney would want put in place to improve the lives of Western Sydney residents living in Western Sydney.

“Our voter interrogation methods may have

One recent report claims that he insists on throwing in unnecessary Derrida quotes and pronouncing ‘homage’ as ‘omaaaaarrrge’. Live updates from another on-site reporter reveal that he is currently in the process of describing the entire plot of some obscure German movie, exclaiming “you probably haven’t seen it but it is life-affirming,” and may even be preparing to discuss Radiohead in a way that will make you never want to listen to Radiohead ever again.

ALEC TATINGTIT REPORTS.

BUBBLERS

PROMISE COKE

GILLARD/ABBOTT

EXCLUSIVE

Just like the Daily Telegraph, only crunchy.

Defamer

the

THE

DEBAUCHEROUS

BIRDS OF TOKYO AHEAD OF THEIR FIRST NATIONAL HEADLINE TOUR IN 18 MONTHS, DRUMMER ADAM WESTON TELLS ANTIGONE ANAGNOSTELLIS WHY BEING IN A ROCK BAND IS A FULL-TIME JOB.

T

hese days, a debaucherous rock‘n’roll lifestyle isn’t the norm for most musicians. Adam Weston is up at 6am, well caffeinated and “wide awake to the world”. After a year-long hiatus from the live circuit, in which they wrote and recorded their fourth album, March Fires, Birds of Tokyo are back and putting in 15-hour days to rehearse for an upcoming national tour.

“It was vitally important that we change things up a bit,” says Weston. “We could have pumped out another record really quickly, you know, some more of the same. We just would have fucking hated that!”

It’s an attitude that reflects the string of successes for the band. Since winning the 2010 ARIA award for Best Rock Album, Birds of Tokyo have topped the charts on both alternative and commercial music stations.

“It’s a very communal sort of record. The aim with this music is to try and connect. I think we made a conscious decision to avoid any sort of relationship material or make anything too ‘you and I’, it was more about ‘we’,” says Weston. “But look, at the end of the day, everyone will get their own interpretation, which is great and that’s one of the amazing things about music.”

Their fourth album led Birds of Tokyo to work all around the world, writing and recording not only in their Sydney studio but also in California and the south of France.

“Spending four months in LA with David Cooley, who was on board as a producer [Silversun Pickups and Mickey Avalon] was probably one of the most intensive parts of the process.

You’ve got to be careful with a town like LA because that place can eat you alive if you let it.”

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Surprisingly, most of the tracks on March Fires began as textural, instrumental soundscapes before evolving into band-orientated songs for the stage. “I think this is really one to sit down and put your headphones on — kind of lie back and really let the record swirl you up and take you somewhere,” says Weston. Lead single ‘This Fire’, found a home in Triple J’s Hottest 100 this year at #51 while current single, ‘Lanterns’, has a deeper meaning under the soothing vocals and catchy chorus.

“We look at it as a journey song because it’s got that timeless momentum feel to it. But there are some six or seven minute tracks on there that can really take you places.”

As one of the great talents of contemporary Australian music, Birds of Tokyo have achieved hit singles and ARIA fame without needing to resort to the lowest common denominator. They are skilled musicians, sentimental songwriters and energetic performers. In spite of their level of success, the boys remain down-to-earth, cheerful, and have an honest outlook on the music industry.

“When a lot of bands start out, they kind of write and rehearse for the stage. A lot of that, when all you’re doing is playing live gigs and trying to win people, is all about trying to be quite ferocious and in your face. This time around it was probably more about dialling that back,” says Weston.

“Without having all those distractions of your home life or the day-in-day-out sort of process, it enabled us to really get cracking on things and go a hell of a lot deeper this time around.”

The “communal” feel that Weston refers to articulates itself in their latest album, with a gentler, complex sound

that stands out from a regular pop or rock release.

“With the new record, while things have been predominantly quite traditional and rock in the past, we’ve made things a hell of a lot more hazy and textural. The keyboards are a lot more present but it’s also changing a lot of the guitar sounds and not being so hard-driven or angular or in your face. Everything’s sounding quite wide and atmospheric.”

Their professional success has also made an impact on their personal lives, with all band members making the move from the west to the east coast of Australia. Originally from Perth, Birds of Tokyo are now spread out between Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne.

“Flying back and forth from Perth can get a little tiring when you’ve got everything from promo to jams to writing to pre-production to photo shoots. I think people tend to forget what a full-time job and career it actually is when you’re not on stage,” says Weston.

But in a media-fuelled environment with plenty of PR, media releases and album spin, Birds of Tokyo still like to be involved in their own marketing. Recently, the group launched a t-shirt competition where fans could submit entries for new merchandise designs — ranging from handdrawn illustrations to digital graphics.

“We go to great lengths to accompany a lot of the visual elements to our music,” says Weston, “this certainly wasn’t a cheap grab to get people to design. The amazing thing

MARCH

wasn’t just the amount of submissions but the quality of the submissions, [which] really blew us away…It was really cool to find what people hold quite symbolic.”

Over the years, Australians have got to know Birds of Tokyo through their appearances at music festivals like Groovin’ the Moo, Homebake and the illustrious Big Day Out — but it’s their headline shows where the group really gets stuck into stage production and song dynamics.

“We love our own shows immensely and all the work that we put into it but there’s nothing to complain about when you’re playing to 50 000 people at a Big Day Out and it’s definitely quite a sight to see from where we’re standing.”

As for these 15-hour working days, Weston says that he’s lucky to not encounter any drumming-induced injuries.

“These days I’m trying my hardest to treat these long rehearsals like actual physical workouts and I know now at the end of the day when I’m hurting that it’s actually doing me good.”

With extensive city and small-town tours on the near horizon for the group, Weston says the band are looking forward to getting back into familiar territory, when they kickoff their March Fires tour.

“For a band like us to be able to go out and do a run of these club or theatre shows and continue to get the support we do is amazing. We’re lucky that we feel we can make a difference and have an impact on commercial radio but at the same time I think that those stations could be doing a lot more to unearth more Aussie talent.”

FIRES IS OU T O N MARCH

1 AND MORE IN BIRDS OF TOK YO FO SE E B WILL BE IRDSOF T TOURIN G IN MA OK YO.C OM. RCH/APR IL

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DRINK BETTER BEER AFTER A QUALITY BREW? TOM E VAN S TALKS UP (AND DRINKS TO) CRAFT BEER.

W

hy should you be drinking craft beer? I could tell you many good reasons as to why you should be drinking craft beer instead of those piss-weak brews produced by the big two (Lion Nathan and Foster’s Group, both foreign-owned companies who control nearly 90% of the Australian beer market). I could tell you that you would be supporting small, Australian-owned businesses.

I could tell you that you would get more bang for your buck, due to the above-average alcohol content found in craft beer. I could tell you that craft brewers use higher quality ingredients and fewer chemicals than mainstream lager brewers. But at the end of the day, all of those reasons are incidental to the one reason that really matters.

It’s simple, really. You should drink craft beer because it tastes better.

Yes, taste is subjective. But whether you prefer the taste of a clean, crisp lager to a strong, dark ale, craft beer covers every conceivable style of beer (and inconceivable, like Cephalopod, a recent squid-ink wheat beer from Sydney’s own Doctor’s Orders Brewing) meaning that you are guaranteed to find a clean, crisp, craft lager that tastes a hell of a lot better than Tooheys New. And if you don’t like lagers? Don’t worry! There is definitely a beer, or

twelve, out there that you will love.

The best way to discover what you like is to experiment. Don’t be afraid to drink something you’ve never drunk before. The more craft beer you drink, the more your tastes expand, and soon, you’ll love pretty much every style of beer, from Russian Imperial Stouts and Double IPAs, all the way down to a nice Pale Ale or Pilsner.

So how do you go about drinking craft beer? Is it as easy as going into any pub and asking for a schooner of something local? Unfortunately, it’s not, at least not yet. Most pubs will try and convince you that beers like James Squire 150 Lashes, which is 100% owned and controlled by Lion Nathan, or Fat Yak, which is 100% owned and controlled by Foster’s Group, are craft beers. Don’t be fooled. There are hundreds of different craft pale ales that are not only brewed by hand by local microbreweries, but also taste a hell of a lot better. The best way to drink craft beer is to go to places that know what they’re talking about. There are a growing number of pubs and bars in Sydney that specialise in craft beer, including the Pumphouse Bar in Darling Harbour, The Local Taphouse in Darlinghurst, Hart’s Pub in The Rocks, The Union Hotel in Newtown and Frankie’s Pizza in the CBD. Your other option, if you want to drink better beer (and excuse me while I shamelessly self-promote), is to join the UTS Craft Beer and Cider Appreciation Society, BrewTS. We love good craft beer, and we’re all about getting people drinking better beer.

SMALL BARS ARE LAME JOHNNY LIEU TELLS US WHY HE THINKS SMALL BARS ARE THE VAMPIRES OF THE HOSPITALITY INDUSTRY.

T

he whole small bar craze in Sydney was initially pretty exciting, promising a wave of cosy, New-York-style drinking spots as an alternative to the unimaginative bars and clubs littered across the CBD. I suppose there have been a handful of bars that have done it well, like Eau de Vie, Mojo Record Bar and Tio’s, but unfortunately the majority of them have become tainted, plastic venues.

Like any venue, the people behind these bars probably have good intentions, putting their heart, soul and long hours into these businesses. But I always find it’s the crowd that makes or breaks a venue. In my opinion, small bars are beginning to attract the boring, vacuous clientele often associated with giant after-work bars such as The Argyle, Establishment and everything in Darling Harbour.

My disillusionment sunk in when I encountered three sloppy Business Management postgrads, persistently requesting Black Eyed Peas in their drunken stupor while slurring to everyone in The Loft that they were “gonna hit up all the ‘cool’ small bars tonight”. This wasn’t a one-off girls’ night out. As the line of people outside of Shady Pines Saloon grows longer each evening, the amount of interesting characters dwindles. Those in line bask in the allure of being somewhere #secret and #cool, a place that will give others the impression that they have ‘cred’ on Instagram.

The perceived cool of these small bars appeals to the 30-something, slightly out of touch urban-professional.

They’re more than happy to shell out $19 for a Moscow Mule that is barely alcoholic just to brag about it at work the next day. If Bar Century could get that level of hype and 4-star reviews in Time Out then I probably wouldn’t raise so many eyebrows when I mention I’ve been drinking there the past three nights.

Hanging around cool places isn’t a new thing, but when you’re at places where people are there just for the sake of being ‘seen’ you become somewhat overtaken by the toxic soullessness polluting the joint. Not to mention you’re likely to be stuck in dull conversation with a gaggle of careerists; you’ll have to try to mask the fact that you’re 10 years younger than them (a fact made all the more obvious as your conversation doesn’t include mindless acronyms like KPIs).

Here’s hoping the hype around small bars will die down soon and they’ll be repopulated by gloomy alcoholics, average writers and poor students.

Only then will small bars become genuine, just as they are in New York.

ILLUSTRATION: HANNAH POWER 34 /

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IS THIS SHIT ANY GOOD? BOOK

REVENGE — YOKO OGAWA

FILM

I GIVE IT A YEAR

MUSIC

AMOK — ATOMS FOR PEACE

THEATRE

MRS. WARREN’S PROFESSION

Yoko Ogawa’s Revenge is a striking, haunting book of interwoven, macabre stories. Not quite a novel and not quite a short story collection, each of the eleven tales build upon each other in subtle yet complex ways to reveal a narrative filled with dark, menacing psychology.

The stories work brilliantly as stand-alone pieces and Ogawa’s control of pace and mood is second to none.

However, her real achievement is the way she is able to transcend the idea of a collection. It is a novel of connection, both of the image and of people. Characters across all of the stories interrelate in ways they could never fathom and these connections provide the impetus for further stories in the book. And they aren’t just superficial references; they work together and culminate in an eerie, metafictional magical realism that feels like the sort of stuff that Haruki Murakami would write if he went out drinking with Edgar Allan Poe. The highlight is the novel’s midpoint, a story called ‘Sewing for the Heart’. It tells the tale of an eccentric bagmaker who is hired to create a bag to protect a woman’s heart, which has begun to grow on the outside of her chest.

The complex job is the greatest challenge he has ever faced and subsequently his devotion to her plight turns fanatical.

Ogawa’s dry, matter-of-fact narration is chilling, and when, at the last second, the woman decides to get an operation on the heart instead of the bag, the isolative obsessions of the bag-maker become all too real.

Despite the connotations of its title, it is not a conventionally violent horror collection. There is violence in the book, but it’s mostly implicit. Instead, it is a masterful work, which introspectively navigates the dark psychologies of the unstable and obsessed, and our unnerving capacity for human depravity.

Couples often talk about how they couldn’t live without each other. The flipside of this sentiment is that sometimes they don’t allow themselves to question whether they could actually live with each other. This is the premise of I Give it a Year, the new, ‘can’t decide whether to chuckle ‘til my stomach hurts or cry because it’s so awfully awkward’ romantic comedy from Dan Mazer.

The story centres around two 30-somethings, Nat (Rose Byrne) and Josh (Raf Spall), who hook up at a party. In the beginning, filtered, soft-focus lenses capture the couple kissing in the rain and on people’s doorsteps. Fast-forward five minutes and the harsh reality of marital commitment rears its ugly yet hilarious head, shattering the opening sequence of romantic clichés before the lovebirds can even say “I do.”

Josh and Nat supposedly signify the notion that opposites attract. However, as time goes by Nat, a high-flying PR representative, and Josh, a struggling writer, begin to drive each other up the wall. Things escalate with the introduction of a messy love quadrangle in the form of Josh’s humanitarian ex-girlfriend (Anna Faris) and Nat’s dashing new American client (Simon Baker).

Mazer, who also directed Borat and Bruno, does not shy away from the tension. Instead, he fuels it with an undercurrent of political incorrectness and some full frontal nudity, which serve to heighten the cringe factor.

The soundtrack, a quintessential feature of any rom com, does not disappoint. Like many other classics of the genre, a mix of current hits, ‘80s originals and cute covers provide the perfect pairing to this far-from-perfect love story.

The film is an excellent marriage of British and American humour: a union far more successful than that of Nat and Josh.

Arriving seven years after Thom Yorke’s solo debut, The Eraser, comes Amok, the first LP created by electronic supergroup Atoms For Peace. Comprised of Radiohead’s Thom Yorke and Nigel Godrich, Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Flea, REM’s Joey Waronker, and Brazilian percussionist, Mauro Refosco, Atoms For Peace confirms Yorke as one of the most talented musicians to ever walk the planet. His two decades of sonic emancipation mean that no one dares second-guess his creative talents, and Radiohead’s concert last November was unsurprisingly mind-blowing.

Likewise, Amok is simply remarkable. Although it carries the vibe of Yorke’s own musical development, his vocals, while normally hauntingly ethereal, have been stripped down and are quite distant among the electronic rhythms.

The opening track, ‘Before Your Very Eyes’ is coated in fuzzy synth oscillations, ‘Default’ is all too familiar to my ears – almost sounding like a track from The Eraser, and ‘Judge, Jury and Executioner’ could be taken right out of ‘Lotus Flower’ (from Radiohead’s King of Limbs).

Despite this, it’s an intriguing album with some invigorating moments; Flea reminds us how tastefully melodic he can be during the hypno-funk of ‘Dropped’, and Refosco brings out subtle Afrobeat rhythms in ‘Unless’, making the album textually dense, before closing on the title track’s dubstep note.

There’s no doubt that Amok will blow our sonic palettes away when played live, but perhaps if Yorke hadn’t distanced his vocals so much and if ‘Reverse Running’ had more vigorous percussion, the album wouldn’t suffer from comparisons to his previous creative endeavours. Lying intertwined within the record’s sonic textures is a potential that will hopefully burst out of Atoms for Peace’s next LP.

What would you do if you discovered that your mother owned and managed a brothel? This is just one of the contentious questions posed in the Sydney Theatre Company’s production of Mrs Warren’s Profession.

The play focusses on an independent and pragmatic young woman, Vivie Warren, who has recently graduated from college and is acquainted with her mother for the first time in her life. However, when Vivie starts to uncover the sordid details of her mother’s associates and business dealings, things soon turn sour.

Written by George Bernard Shaw in 1893, the play was considered scandalous in the Victorian era for its frank and sympathetic discussion of prostitution. And while such debate might not be quite as controversial today, Shaw’s ideas about class, capitalism, business ethics, family relationships and prostitution still have a strong, contemporary relevance.

Director, Sarah Giles, depicts these ideas in a straightforward, effective production and has resisted the temptation to mindlessly update the play. While the cast is solid and full of experienced actors, standouts included Lizzie Schebesta and Helen Thomson, who execute the volatile relationship between Mrs Warren and her daughter perfectly.

Despite the many positive aspects to the production, Mrs Warren’s Profession remains a dense play full of secrets, lies and obscure pieces of information that the audience needs to keep track of. This means the play requires a great deal of concentration, which unfortunately, at times, the production didn’t accommodate for.

Overall, Mrs Warren’s Profession is an intriguing, thoughtprovoking play and one bound to keep the discussion flowing long after you’ve left the theatre.

Mrs Warren’s Profession is being performed until April 6 at the Wharf Theatre.

- MATTHEW FRASER

- ELIZA BERLAGE

- SANDY SAROUNI

- LACHLAN BENNETT

BORED STUPID?!

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS’ DAY! ELLEN LEABEATER DONS HER JESTER’S HAT TO HELP HER PREDICT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU ON THE SILLIEST DAY OF THE YEAR. BELIEVE AT YOUR OWN RISK. * ARIES 20 March– 19 April

In France unsuspecting Fools have paper fish stuck to their back as a prank.

Rather tame if you ask me; I suggest you up the ante. Get a real fish and put it in the satchel of that pretentious wanker from your tute who always wears black.

Justice served.

TAURUS 19 April – 20 May

Who said April Fools’ Day ends at midday? The un-fun prick! Twenty-four hours of pranks should be enough to set them straight. With your moon in the eighth shuttlecock, awe-inspiring foolery should be no trouble at all.

GEMINI 20 May – 21 June

You attract pranks the way Christmas attracts oversized undergarments. But with Pluto, the underdog, in your midst, you should avoid all underwear-related shenanigans this April Fools’ Day (and get some new undies just in case).

CANCER 20 May – 21 June

That big trick you’ve got planned for your little brother or sister? Yeah, they have something bigger planned.

Probably best you carry a change of clothes with you today. And perhaps an umbrella. Steer clear of the Glasshouse too. You never know what those engineers are rigging up down there…

LEO 22 July – 22 Aug

I know you Leos love any excuse to party, so why not host a Feast of Fools? Everyone can bring their best dish masquerading as another dish.

“Hey, that looks like some delish spag bol.” “Actually, it’s buffalo testicle with seaweed.” Not even Masterchef can compete with that.

VIRGO 23 Aug – 22 Sep

The supergiant Saturn has aligned on the secondary furrow, which means the time has come, Virgo, to dish out the most ultimate grand supreme prank of all time. I know it involves a frozen spatchcock and your mother’s collection of cat hair, but otherwise it’s up to you.

LIBRA 22 Sept – 23 Oct

Between you and Aquarius, someone always manages to get pranked. Use your combined forces to create a complex circle of trust interposed with a dodecahedron of protection. Then spin around three times while pointing the fourth digit of your third eye to Pluto and you will be safe.

CAPRICORN 21 Dec – 20 Jan

It’s time for a field trip! Blow off that boring lecture with the professor who looks like a mole rat and head to southern Switzerland to catch the spaghetti crop.

It’s going to be a bumper harvest this year, so appreciate the opportunity to taste spaghetti straight from the tree.

AQUARIUS 20 Jan – 18 Feb

Psst Aquarius, I have a scoop for you!

UTS have decided to move the city campus to Western Sydney, so students can finally experience the feeling of grass underfoot, see the stars and teach Eastern Suburbs kids that life exists beyond the Bridge. Spread the word.

PISCES 18 Feb- 20 March

You know what? We have had this calendar for far too long. It’s time for a new one. Let’s make the year say, 234 days long with a three-day weekend.

And whoever celebrates the New Year on January 1st, well JANUARY FOOLS, FOOL!

SAGIT TARIUS 22 Nov – 21 Dec

Sagittarius, you are just no fun. People always come to me and say, “Oh, those Sagittarians, soooo uptight.” But the moons of Venus have combined forces to make you laugh uncontrollably, so embrace this as your chance to show the world you are as laidback as a Jamaican on holidays.

*Our practical joke backfired and Scorpio is now in hospital. Oops!

Create and solve your Sudoku puzzles for FREE.

Play Sudoku and win prizes

at:

prizesudoku.com

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38 /

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“Vertigo”.

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/ 39

SA REPORTS

SA REPORTS

LYNDAL BUTLER PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENT ASSOCIATION

LUCY BONANNO EDUCATION VICE PRESIDENT, UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION

Hi there,

Hey y’all, how’s the pre-exam warm up study phase treating you?

I’m going to talk about something that may not sound very interesting and I apologise in advance for any boredom caused. But I think it’s important that in this issue I dedicate my report to a discussion of the Students’ Association (SA) Constitution.

As you may have read in an earlier article written by the SA Secretary, Douglas McDonald, the current Constitution is outdated and at times impractical. It was written before the introduction of Voluntary Student Unionism (VSU)*, a time when the SA had a lot more money and were able to pay most office bearers (including the Vertigo editors!). The SA was a far more active organisation because all our office bearers had the time and resources to coordinate huge campaigns on issues of education quality and social justice.

The current financial situation, however, is comparatively skint. We have to be innovative with both our time and materials to make sure the campaigns we run are effective.

We have less people involved in the SRC to manage the SA, and with the impending closure of the Kuring-gai campus we need a Constitution which is appropriate for our changing university.

Amending our current constitution is no easy task. You’ll be hearing from other SA activists and I about the issue in the

coming weeks. Once we’ve fixed up all the inconsistencies, we need to meet with a quorum of 100 students to agree to adopt the amended Constitution. This means we need you.

You can get involved in the Constitution update by coming to one of our meetings, and you’ll be hearing plenty about these soon.

In the meantime be sure to check out our events happening all around campus. Are you a member of a Collective? Our Collectives are groups of students who meet to organise campaigns around common interests or values.

Whatever you’re passionate about and whatever issue you want to discuss, you can find a place for it in the Students’ Association. Come and see us on Level 3 of the Tower to find out more about our campaigns and how to get involved!

You can also contact the Education Vice President or myself if you ever want to talk about issues with your education (if it’s happening we want to hear about it!).

Until next time, I hope you’re going well with your studies and I look forward to catching you around campus soon!

EMAIL: sapresident2013@uts.edu.au

*Before VSU all university students paid a compulsory fee to join their student union. This was called Universal Student Unionism (USU) and funded student-run organisations around the country. During this time the SA ran a free legal service and were able to employ more caseworkers in advocacy roles. When student unionism became voluntary, many student unions around the country lost funding and were only able to maintain the most basic of services for students.

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It sucks that the weighting has jumped up so much this year.

These mid-semester exams, for some unlucky students, are worth as much as finals. So study hard kiAPRIL FOOLS! Yeah… ehrm… That was pretty poor; I would have preferred a good old-fashioned ‘snake in a jar’ but it would have been a logistical nightmare. So other than planning terrible gags (I can assure you, no more than three minutes went into what you just experienced) the Students’ Association has been up to all sorts of awesome so far this year.

This seems like the best place to casually drop a massive shout out to all those who participated in the National Day of Action (NDA). Personally, I thought UTS had some of the cooler posters and stunts (TAKE THAT USYD!). I also would like to make a special mention of the UTS branch of the National Tertiary Education Union (NTEU) for getting on board and helping us out tremendously. Next time you see your favourite tutors and lecturers remind them that they’re awesome.

Now to something slightly lower key, because I’m sure all of you Markets students have noticed the minor change to your Tuesday mornings. The Bluebird Brekkie Bar has yet another weekly nesting ground in the courtyard of Block B. That’s right, if you’re not daunted by the whole five minute

walk (possibly in the rain) you can now get two free breakfasts a week. After the success of the Brekkie Bar at the Broadway campus last year, we couldn’t deny all those poor Law and Business students fresh food. Plus, it has proven to distract them from study long enough for the rest of you to grab a computer, or at least some desk space.

You may have also heard about ‘constitutional change’ going on at the moment. In a nutshell, our constitution for the Students’ Association is outdated and doesn’t account for most of the services we provide. So before this leads to disaster, we have decided to try and reform it by the end of the year. However, the process to do this resembles something out of Indiana Jones. So please, if we ask for your signature, read over what we’re proposing, ask questions and sign your soul away. If it helps, I can assure you we won’t spam your email.

Now for something completely different, and possibly a little more relevant to you: fair wages for fair work. This campaign we’re running highlights current issues with youth wages. For those of us without parents and carers to financially support all of our study, diets and social life, parttime and casual work is crucial. It just sucks that you can be paid less, simply because you’re ever so slightly younger.

So when you see me around campus come say hi, and I’ll probably unleash a bunch of info at you and bully you into supporting the cause.

But other than that, have a good one.

EMAIL: lucille.bonanno@gmail.com

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COLLECTIVES

ANDY ZEPHYR UTS QUEER OFFICER

MUSTAFA AGHA UTS POSTGRADUATE OFFICER

Pride, not prejudice.

No, I’m not referring to a lousy Jane Austen remake.

Queer-involved activism movements such as marriage equality permeate the daily media. Yet we still see, hear of, and experience queerphobia at a tertiary level. The Queer Collective, sometimes known as Umbrella, welcomes everyone to an active year of queer theory, politics and education. With 45 members signing up on O‘Day alone, the Queer Collective is ‘out’ about promoting equality on UTS Campus.

If you are queer on campus, you can come on board, join the collective and attend the events that we hold. Your Queer Officers (Andie Yates, Jasper Pool and me) along with members of the collective have (so far) organised a cross campus picnic, a Mardi Gras Fair Day stall and cross campus marching float, movie nights and more! We also have a Games Day at Kuring-gai on April 2, starting at 1pm, to promote queer issues at all campuses. This event is open to all (non-autonomous). If you wish to get more involved email us or check us out at the Queer Space.

The Queer Space is an autonomous space (this word will pop up a LOT — it means independently governed, as the Queer Collective is a queer exclusive group run by its own procedures) which has an applied ‘Safer Spaces Policy’ (which respects self expression, while not passing judgement on someone’s qualities). There is a Queer Space at Broadway and Kuring-gai and both hold regular meetings at the following times: Broadway: 12pm Tuesdays and 5pm Thursdays.

Kuring-gai: 12pm Tuesdays.

Will 2013 be the year of marriage equality? Stay tuned for more updates on queer theory, social events and politics!

Welcome to the Postgrad Collective! Transitioning into that first year of postgrad can be difficult, but we are here to help.

At times, situations can be made more difficult with either undue pressure from the academic board or frustration with not understanding a new system, especially if you’re from a different university or faculty. But we are always here to hear about your issues, such as student travel concessions for research students.

On behalf of those postgraduate students, we picketed to the National Union of Students President, but luckily the next day an announcement by the State Government enabled those students to obtain their concession sticker for 2013.

We will continue to listen and campaign about any challenges you face, so feel free to join our Facebook group!

It’s the place where you can post any questions related to being a postgrad student.

EMAIL: shapesuts@gmail.com

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EMAIL: mustafa.agha@student.uts.edu.au