Pelican Edition 6 Volume 84

PELICAN

Fake Ed. 6 Vol. 84

Dell recommends Windows.

Break the boundaries of work and play.

The Dell XPS 12 Ultrabook™. Inspired by Intel.

University of Western Australia students can save up to 15%^ off a wide range of products, including the Dell XPS Ultrabook™ series. Selected systems are available with 3rd gen Intel® Core™ i7 processors.

Take advantage of the Dell Student Purchase Program and start saving today.

1. Visit www.dell.com.au/spp.

2. Use the relevant coupon to redeem against the product of your choice.

Shop Now ^ Dell Coupon Terms and Conditions apply and are available at Dell.com.au/spp. Trademarks: XPS is a trademark of Dell Inc. Intel, the Intel Logo, Intel Inside, Intel Core, Ultrabook, and Core Inside are trademarks of Intel Corporation in the U.S. and/or other countries. Copyright: © 2013 Dell Inc. All rights reserved.

Picture by Marnie Allen

CONTENTS

REGULARS

FAKE

SECTIONS

4

contributors

10 quacks

23 politics

5

editorials

11 orgasms

27 film

6

what’s up

12 hairs

31 arts

7

advice column

13 jobs

36 music

9

misc

14 chevy chase

37 culture

15 phonies

42 books

16 eyes 17 cults 18 stunts 19 toys 20 slacktivism

3

CONTRIBUTORS EDITORS Marnie Allen Alex Griffin ADVERTISING Alex Pond DESIGN Kate Hoolahan SECTION EDITORS Books - Zoe Kilbourn Culture - Simon Donnes Politics – Richard Ferguson Music – Connor Weightman Arts- Kat Gillespie Film – Wade McCagh SUBEDITORS Josh Chiat Simon Donnes Richard Ferguson Zoe Kilbourn Hugh Manning Danielle McGee Ed Taylor Lauren Wiszniewski Contributors (*- words ^-images) Marnie Allen*^ Lara Bromfield* Tom Beyer* Matthew Bye* Daniel Dolin* Simon Donnes* Richard Ferguson* Ayeesha Frederickson^ Caitlin Frunks* Anna Gardiner^

Kat Gillespie*^ Ash Gould^ Matthew Green* Alex Griffin*^ Brad Griffin* Hamish Hobbs* Verity Hughes* Zoe Kilbourn* Akima Lateef^ Paul Lindsay* Hugh Manning* Wade McCagh* Grace McKie^ Cameron Moyses* Isabel Norrie* Alice Palmer^ Kate Prendergast*^ Yashi Renoir^ Mason Rothwell* Angus Sargent* Anna Saxon* Tess Schlink* Melissa Scott* Philip Sharpe* Jackson Shepard* Caroline Stafford* Natalie Swift* Neil Thomas*^ Elisa Thompson* Natalie Thompson^ Nina Throsby* Thea Walton* Connor Weightman* Daniel Werndly* Lauren Wiszniewski*^ Kenneth Woo* Natasha Woodcock*

CLIMB ABOARD YO! Time is running out to get involved in Pelican! Get in touch to find out how you can share yr giftzzzz with the world. Also, if you have complaints, comments, thoughts or feedback, contact us at pelican@ guild.uwa.edu.au, or come and visit our office on the second floor of the guild building here on campus DISCLAIMER: The views expressed within are not the views of the UWA Student Guild or the Pelican editorial staff. I’m the Lindbergh baby

For advertising enquiries, contact alex.pond@guild.uwa.edu.au

COVER ART Akima Lateef

Fitness Tech

ExclusivE mEmbEr offErs on great products

UP Wristband Sports Headphones

Flex Wireless Activity Band

Bluetooth Stereo Headset Range

Games · Books · Gifts + More…

www.coop.com.au

The Co-op The Guild Village, Hackett Drive (Hackett Entry 2) University of Western Australia Crawley WA 6009 Ph: (08) 6144 5700 Fax: (08) 6144 5709 Email: uwa@coop.com.au 4

PREZITORIAL

I find it quite ironic that I’m writing a Prezitorial with a “fake” theme when the last Prezitorial was all about a fake coup of the Guild Presidency. Fear not, I have regained my office unharmed and no-longer-Acting-President Lizzy O’Shea has returned to her other duties.

So the questions remains, what on earth will I write about now? It has been well and truly established that I rely on the likes of other Guild office-bearers to carry the Prezitorial flag.

Resorting to googling the word “fake”, I noticed that top entries included the “fake bake” (spray tan of choice for celebrities) and the fake twitter accounts of Andrew Bolt, Chris Pyne and Steve Fielding. If you can think of a good witticism to make about this combination, send it to president@guild.uwa.edu.au and I’ll shout you a Guild coffee sometime. To stay true to the theme of this publication, I’ll then claim credit for your joke so that other people think I’m funny.

Being sincere for a minute, I think it’s important for me to fess up about something: I really don’t know enough about most students. Guild Presidents now and in the future need to do more to learn about the myriad problems experienced by students studying different degrees at different levels to your run-of-the-mill Law/Arts student like me.

The last thing I want to be doing is “faking it” when I give advice to the University on student issues. I need your help to so that I can represent you better. Send me an email about your issues, talk to your Faculty Society reps and fill out our education survey at www.guild.uwa.edu.au/slets Yours sincerely, Cam

MARNITORIAL When I was in year five, anyone who was anyone at East Freo Primary School had a Digimon. I so badly wanted to be one of the cool kids who played extremely aggressive four square and poured sunblock in people’s shoes, so I did what anyone would do and lied. I told those hipsters that I did so have a digimon, I just wasn’t allowed to bring it to school because it was a limited edition solid gold version.

I don’t think anyone listened and it certainly didn’t give me the social leg-up I had hoped for, but it made me feel a teensy bit better about myself. I’ve continued on a pretty strong lying-to-myself streak since then (of course no one can see your lazy eye, it’s normal to take six years to complete a bachelor of arts, drinking water is bad for you) and it’s finally reached the point where all the fake things in my life have eclipsed the real and I’m left with a string of memories and experiences I can neither confirm nor deny. But two things I’m pretty sure of are 1) I was a dead-ringer for Julian Assange as a two year old and 2) There’s only two more editions of Pelican 2013, and anyone who hasn’t had the courage to get free pizza and get low with a bunch of charismatic and clever babes (another lie) is a total pansy, and they should come and hang with us immediately. In the meantime, enjoy the 100% real FAKE edition.

Don’t let me down, Marnie xx

GRIFFITORIAL By itself, the aging of society, and in the Ocean Tower, it used to be. The light in my dark side.

The medicine medicine high and it was love. However, you should know when it is snowing, but I can see the light of a large-scale and Polish up to the light. The baby from me, to kiss, have increased compared with the gray. OOH, the more I am, and the others, yeah, I feel. and the rise in the flower. The light and dark gray to be hit. There, there are people who say that, so far, he has to say so that they can be that it can be. With my Power, my pleasure, my pain, but I Baby I can not deny that addiction is growing in the same way as I tried to take. I am in a healthy, the baby does not teach me? However, you should know that, if it is snowing, on a large scale, it was me in the eye and you can dress up. The baby from me, to kiss, have increased compared with the tray. I have to be that the growth can also be toxic. If you do not deny it, he says, a healthy baby.

Griff xoxox

5

WHAT’S UP ON CAMPUS UNIVERSITY BICYCLE CLUB The University Bicycle Club (UBC) is UWA’s own student run bicycle club. The club holds group rides almost every weekend during semester, has social events and promotes cycling at UWA. See Facebook.com/UBCuwa for all our information and if you are interested in group rides join our “UBC Group Riders” Facebook group! PSA: Check out the new bicycle repair station outside the coop bookshop, it’ll keep you rolling!

MULTICULTURAL WEEK The biggest UWA student run event is finally here again!

Multicultural Week has been an effort organised under the International Student Service Department of the UWA Student Guild. This year we will be celebrating 15 years of effort towards multiculturalism. With an organising committee of over 80 students, we endeavor to provide a series of events to celebrate, educate, and raise multicultural awareness to the wider community.

One of these events includes our ever-famous Spring Feast night festival for which stall registrations will open in semester two. Please visit our website (multiculturalweek.org) and Facebook page (facebook.com/multiculturalweek) for further details.

PEOPLE FOR ANIMAL WELFARE At UWA PAW, we are all about animals and animal welfare! We host events including vegan/vegetarian BBQ’s & bake-sales, movie nights, debate nights, quiz nights, restaurant crawls and our awesome ‘De-Stress!’ event where we provide kittens and puppies for your petting pleasures, as well as sending out an e-newsletter to our members regarding current news in the area of animal welfare. If you are interested in getting involved and coming along, see our fb group: https:// www.facebook.com/groups/131830273672010/ or page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/ UWA-People-for-Animal-Welfare-UWAPAW/108490929334998” PSYCHOS BALL A long, long time ago (in 2009), in a galaxy far, far away (in Perth, so actually quite far away from most of the civilised world), there was an inter-university psychology students ball called ‘Creatures of the Night.’ Now it’s back, and better than ever!

6

You’re invited to ‘Creatures of the Night’ 2013; hosted by the West Australian Students of Psychology (WASP) in collaboration with the Psychology clubs from UWA, Murdoch and Curtin. The ball will be held at the Hyatt on Friday, September the 13th, from 7pm.

First release tickets will be $120 for Members of their local Psych club and $125 for NonMembers, and are on sale now! Second release starts AUGUST 13th and will be $140 for all tickets. Tables seat 8-10 people. There are accommodation deals available if you plan on staying the night. Drinks and a buffet dinner are included in the ticket price! Unfortunately, this is an 18+ event only.

ROBOGALS Robogals is an international student-run organisation aimed at introducing young women to engineering and technology. As university student volunteers, we visit schools to introduce girls to engineering through free robotics workshops, as well as making presentations about what engineers do, the different types of engineering, and the contributions we make to society. We have chapters at more than twelve universities across Australia, New Zealand, the UK, US, Japan and Ireland! During workshops, students learn to construct and program LEGO NXT robotics kits in a fun and creative environment with the assistance of our passionate volunteers. Make a difference now and share the excitement!

Contact the committee to get started at uwaexec@robogals.org.au !

STUDENT ENVIRONMENTAL ENGINEERS CLUB SEEC strives to include all engineering students and staff involved in the School of Environmental Systems Engineering in events we hold throughout the year. Coming up is the SEEC Quiz night, “Takin’ Care of Quizzness”, on the 22nd of August. The SEEC Tie-dye Day on the 15th of August will include a BBQ, so come to the lawn outside SESE to have a chat with your fellow environmental students. For undergraduates it can be difficult to know which companies hire environmental engineers, so this year we have increased our number of networking events and are a now part of the UEC Vac Work expo. All event details can be found on our Facebook page! www.facebook.com/UWASEEC WASTV WASTV UWA is a student-run organisation aimed at giving students at the UWA a platform

to channel their creativity and passion through film. We’ve covered events such as O-Day 2013, provided the resources and expertise to make a new UniStart video, and are currently in the process of writing and shooting a comedic webseries. If you’ve got any events that need covered, special film requests, or are just screaming to get your ideas onto the big screen (or our successful YouTube channel, if that fails) contact us at uwa@wastv.org.au.

AIESEC Want to do something different and challenging this Summer? Why not go on a volunteer exchange overseas? Be the change in your world, step out of your comfort zone and volunteer abroad! Create an impact, travel, experience new countries, new cultures and of course taste new foods! AIESEC is present in over 100 different countries, come down to our CULTURE SHOCK session on Wednesday 28th of August in Moot Court (Law Building) to find out more!! You can apply now at: http://tinyurl. com/goglobalapply or visit our Website/Facebook page for more nformation: www.aiesecuwa.org // www.facebook.com/aiesecuwa UWA CHRISTIAN UNION The UWA Christian Union (CU) is a student run group of over 200 Christians at UWA. Our goal as a club is to proclaim Jesus as King and support students in living for Him. We meet regularly to read God’s Word, learn from it, pray together and enjoy each other’s company.

We would love for you to come and explore the awesomeness of what Jesus has done for us.

We meet as a big group on: - Tuesday @ 1 in Social Science Lecture Theatre - Thursdays @ 4 in Engineering Lecture Theatre 2 Email me with any questions at tima@uwacu.org UNIVERSITY COMPUTER CLUB The University Computer Club, located in Cameron Hall, hosts a large number of computers and servers for members to use, for their various techy needs. In the near future, we have a few LANs planned by members (see ucc.asn.au for specific details), and the Club’s Anniversary Dinner early September.

People who haven’t heard of the club before, or signed upon O-day then forgot, are more than welcome to walk up to the club and see what other members are doing. Hope to see you soon!

PELICAN ADVICE CORNER

I’m a gay man who believes in true romance but can never seem to find anyone who shares the same interests as me. Should I get Grindr to meet other eligible young men?

–Horny_twerk Grindr is like the Kentucky Fried Chicken and McDonalds of the dating world; fast convenience with a sickly aftertaste. It’s not for the romantics amongst us, but if you are like me and have placed your hopes on others fulfilling their full potential, you will be already so used to bitter disappointment you might as well give it a go. And hey, Albus might have scored more if he had put himself out there instead of pining as a result of this forbidden love bullshit. True love? Forget it, and get amongst it; be more like I heard you were in Gryffin-whore because you let every wizard slither-in.

On the bus to university the other day I fell in love with a girl. Transperth makes me queasy at the best of times so any tips on how to approach her without vomiting in the passageway?

– Anon

how fate brought you and bus-girl together.

Alternatively you can just go with one of my favourites and say, “Interested in making some magic together? My wand is at the ready.” If using this option don’t forget to wear a fedora: chicks really dig hats, trust me.

As a first year student I have heard rumours of what Guild Elections entails.

Will I really have to sell my soul to the student body?

-Newbie Guild politics centres around two main parties, Star and Liberty. One brought UWA Rocketfuel on campus, while the other brought about coffee cups with moustaches on them. September is a turbulent time where people are divided and people from high school start talking to you again. May the sorting now begin! Lemme rhyme at ya: Slip me snug about your ears, I’ve never yet been wrong I’ll have a look inside your mind and tell where you belong!

Never worry my dear friend, you need not sell your soul!

When your name is written on that Guild electoral roll; Swifty move across Oak Lawn, and outside Reid increase your pace., When the hacks ask for your vote, offer them your mace hang on to your soul, and heckle all their speeches, sell your body to Pelican instead, they’re much friendlier leeches.

My friends all like to listen to alternative, sounds-like-it-was-recorded-in-a-garage music.

I love my friends but how do I explain that I don’t want to spend my nights in a bar, listening to sub-par music and paying $15 for a pint?

-Roxanne As a hat I generally don’t need to pay for entry or drinks. I just hitch a ride on someone’s head and when they’re not looking I down all their booze. This works until they actually believe they are drunk, can’t remember drinking their drinks, and need food to sober up; do you know how difficult it is to get gravy out?

Anyway, an acquaintance of mine was moaning last month at a party about how she ends up spending a lot of time in the bathroom at gigs she attends. I was just like, “MYRTLE STOP BEING A LITTLE BITCH AND TELL YOUR FRIENDS THAT THEIR TASTE IN MUSIC SUCKS. ALTERNATIVELY FIND SOMEONE TO TAKE WITH YOU INTO THE BATHROOM.” My logic is that if you can’t confront your friends, find new friends that feel the same way you do. Generally they’re the ones who are slightly shuffling their feet and looking for the nearest exit. Offer them a sip from your flask and let the magic happen.

Be careful though; my mate Hagrid once tried to bond over a girl over having giant blood and she claimed she was just ‘big-boned’. WHATEVER LADY, CYA L8TER.

Because I’m stuck inside a quivering hothouse of teenage hormones and angst all day every day, I’m pretty used to the fumbling attempts of seduction that define adolescence. However, as a mere Muggle, any attempts to use magic and/or love potions will surely backfire on you. Harry was pretty bad at potions, so he always had to resort to using words, preferring to be all melodramatic and flounder away proclaiming shit like, “my love for you burns like a dying phoenix” and “without you I feel like I’m in Azkaban and Dementors are sucking away my soul.” Girls really flocked to his “I’m so misunderstood” vibe, so maybe just slouch around with unbrushed hair lamenting about

Actual text from a Harry Potter erotic fanfiction: “Harry watched in shock as instead of what he thought would be a spurting orgasm came five miniature versions of The Sorting Hat… ‘My lovely Harry, aren’t our children perfect!’ The Sorting Hat cried out in happiness, as the mini Sorting Hats began to suckle on Harry’s forehead like newborn babies suckling from their mother’s chest.”

Picture by Marnie Allen

Advice for this edition comes direct from the Hogwarts’ Sorting Hat. Sick of spending his days determining which house bratty little would-be magicians are sorted into, he has decided to take a sabbatical. He’s thinking of releasing a rap album lamenting the current lice epidemic amongst kids these days, but in the meantime is making do by replacing the words ‘gold digger’ by Kanye with Slytherin at Hip-hop Karaoke each month.

7

8

PELICAN NEEDS AN EDITOR, YO! Have a passion for media? Want to make a positive difference on campus?

Apply to edit Pelican! Pelican editors are appointed by the Guild and put out eight editions over the course of the academic year. Candidates must have been a Guild member for the last two years (or as long as they’ve been at UWA) and not have run in Guild Elections over the same period of time. Pelican can be edited solo or as a duo; if applying as the latter, demonstrate how you’ll divide up the workload and handle differences.

Important things to consider are: - getting students to pick up, enjoy and relate to the magazine - actively representing, showcasing and developing the talents of the student body - the tradition of the Pelican, dating back to 1929 - maintaining a politically unbiased approach to issues on and off campus - creating an intelligent, positive magazine that demonstrates the best of what UWA can be.

An application should demonstrate: - a strong vision for the design, content and feel of the magazine - ways to keep contributors motivated and inspired - how different viewpoints would be sought and represented - how to get students to pick up and get involved with the magazine - creating a final product that best reflects the talent at UWA - a stance on how the Pelican - time management and deadline planning - creative flair and a desire to innovate - experience in writing, editing, co-ordinating and art direction.

Your application must consist of: - A CV (due on the 21st of October by 5pm), and; - A physical application outlining in detail your vision for the magazine for 2013, as well as physical design mockups (due on the 25th of October by 5pm).

These are to be submitted to Alex Pond at the Memberships and Communication office (next to the Pelican office!).

For more information or any queries, contact Alex Pond at alex.pond@guild.uwa.edu.au or in person at the Memberships and Communications Office.

9

NATURAL CAUSES?

by Natalie Swift

Naturopathy is based upon the concept of “vitalism”, described as an energy that guides our bodily processes; it’s believed that if this is disrupted, we become sick. In order to get us “vibrating at the right frequency” (as a naturopath I know once put it), naturopaths recommend remedies like acupuncture, Chinese medicine, fasting, exercise, homeopathic remedies, exercise or changes to a more “natural” diet.

It’s probably not surprising that many of these concepts, including vitalism, are based upon zero scientific evidence, and tend to be beliefs that predate proven scientific explanations for bodily phenomena. We now know that we don’t need to be “toxic” or “imbalanced” to catch a cold; it’s more an issue of being in contact with someone else who has been sick. Also, the claim that something is good simply because it is “natural”, or comes from traditional medicine, is also logically flawed.

Though most naturopathic treatments have been proven to be more akin to a placebo than actual treatment, placebos can have positive impacts. Dr Ben Goldacre suggests in the book Bad Science that it may be due to the fact that someone has listened to you describe your problem, given you some kind of diagnosis and prescribed a treatment. It’s surprisingly comforting to have an explanation for why you feel crap, even if it’s not true. So, this means there’s a chance you’ll feel better after seeing a naturopath. On the other hand, it also means that you’re not exactly getting what you have paid for. Thus, morally, it’s quite iffy.

Homeopathy, one of the most controversial naturopathic treatments, involves finding a substance that, when taken, has been shown to give people a particular symptom. One drop of this substance is then diluted with a large amount of water; the belief being that this

10

will increase its potency before the resulting solution is used to treat that symptom. This was invented by Samuel Hanhemann before the atom had been discovered, so at the time it may have seemed plausible, but scientists have since found that the typical 30C homeopathic dilution (dilution by a factor of 1060) isn’t likely to contain a single molecule of the original substance. Homeopaths have attempted to explain this by stating that the water will retain some “essential property” of the substance; that “water has a memory”. However, given what science has told us, this is pretty implausibleand over a hundred tests have shown that only the placebo effect is at work.

When giving a diagnosis, alternative therapists tend to use medical terms in order to legitimise their explanation; a chiropractor may say that an ear infection is due to “whole body inflammation” in the spinal nerves, caused by a “subluxation” compressing those nerves, a problem fixed by readjusting the spine. Hearing this, you might assume it doesn’t make sense because the science is too complicated; unless you’ve studied some kind of health science, it’s difficult to dismiss the explanation.

Unfortunately, this rejection of scientific principle has the potential to undermine mainstream medicine, especially when naturopaths make claims such as that “the unnatural chemicals that doctors prescribe are bad for you”, or that “doctors never look for the root cause of a disease and only treat symptoms”. Given the rigour involved in medicine, this is a highly irresponsible practice that can result in people failing to seek effective medical treatment. The Australian Story episode “Desperate Remedies” presents a truly disturbing case where instead of seeking medical care for advanced rectal cancer, a woman chose to seek homeopathic treatment.

Had she sought the former, she would have had a chance of recovery.

Instead, she died, after enduring immense suffering while being constantly assured she was “turning the corner”. While extreme, such cases are a sign that this industry must be closely monitored and regulated to prevent further tragedies occurring.

a good compliment to conventional medicine.

There’s nothing wrong with promoting healthier eating and regular exercise, and having someone prescribe them to you might just be the motivation you need. Therapies such as massage, aromatherapy and acupuncture can be very relaxing, and can complement treatment for depression or anxiety. While chiropractic treatment won’t cure your sister’s ear infection, it has been proven to reduce lower back pain.

It’s nice to feel that someone is looking out for you and helping you when you’re not feeling so great, but it’s important to be sensible about it: these practitioners don’t have medical training, so it’s best to treat what they say with a healthy scepticism.

As long as mainstream medicine remains unable to answer every question we have, it’s unlikely that naturopathy and other alternative treatments will disappear. However, it’s vital that alternative therapists emphasise that what they’re offering is complimentary therapy and should never be an alternative to seeing a doctor. If an alternative therapy has been proven to be effective, chances are that it has already been adopted into mainstream medicine. As Tim Minchin once said, “You know what they call alternative medicine that’s been proved to work? Medicine.”

In non-life-threatening situations, seeking alternative therapy can be

“Electrical current in the form of positive galvanism, applied transrectally” is a popular naturopathic treatment for prostate cancer; it involves pumping a steady current of electricity at a low voltage into the prostate gland for ten to fifteen minutes.

Picture by Ashleigh Gould

With the current hype surrounding “clean eating” and avoiding “chemicals”, it’s no surprise that many people choose to avoid the family GP, and opt for alternative medical treatment, such as naturopathy. In 2010, one in 10 Australians did just this. While it’s likely you know someone who swears by naturopathic treatment, many call them “quacks”- people who pretend to have medical knowledge to trick the ill and vulnerable into handing over their money. So, do naturopaths deserve this bad reputation? Or is naturopathic treatment an effective option?

THE STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO FAKING ORGASMS

by Melissa Scott

The truth is that most men are pretty hopeless at sex. Despite their long lists of one-night-stands, the competitions they have between mates to make their girlfriend scream the most and their boundless self-confidence when it comes to all things sexual, they generally have no idea what they are supposed to be doing, let alone where they should be touching. Who can blame them?

They only go by what their inexperienced mates know, their dad’s outdated knowledge, the old creepy nurse at their school and the overdramatised and unrealistic fantasies of porn.

Faking orgasms only adds to their unwillingnessto-admit-confusion, and our attempted “turn on” fillers of “oh baby” and “give me more” just encourage them to keep plugging away at their pathetic attempt. By faking the thing you want oh-so much, you are telling this excuse for a man that his “love-making” is top stuff, which means he’ll keep bragging to his mates that he has “the moves”. However, there will be emergency circumstances where one just has to fake it make it through to the end. Whether it’s about not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings, you can’t be bothered/you’re not in the mood/tired, or that matter what you do, you just can’t reach an orgasm, boy have I got some tips for you.

I hate faking orgasms as much as the next girl, because let’s face it; you let this guy into your room to show you a good time, but all he’s doing is proving that not even those last two cocktails you drank to make him look worth your time were enough to prepare you for such catastrophic sex. Whatever your reason, follow these step-by-step guides and you’ll be on your way to becoming a porn star.

1. Pant...Breathe....Gasp...Breathe!

Without getting too close to mimicking the symptoms of hyperventilation, you need to bring

a bit of realism to the table (or bed, if you’re a mainstreamer).

Make sure you do a lot of deep breathing and panting to show him what a huff he’s gotten you into.

2. Moan louder!

Ever heard your roommate’s elegant screams midst sex through the bedroom door? Yep, she was faking it. Real orgasm sounds tend to be quite horrific noises, ranging between squealing pigs to laughing hyenas, but since you’re faking it why not Hollywood it up a bit? It’s your chance to porno the hell out of it; you can even create your own porn name while you’re at it, to help you get into character.

(Clit Eastwood or Vulvita are my personal favourites) Try saying lots of “oh yeahs” and moaning louder the closer you get to the “climax”.

give him a clean slap in the face 3. Biting pillow/sheets/him Release the animal within yourself, bite and scratch his shoulders, and oh baby don’t forget his lip. And when you’re not biting, try pouting; putting your lips up for display makes them irresistible. In fact any excuse for him to look and enjoy your lips rather than kiss them with that warm sponge of his is a winner. Thrash and stroke yourself to the point that the dude fucking you will be so enraptured by your alluring posturing that he probably won’t even notice you’re faking. He’ll think he’s hit the jackpot (which he has, duh).

Picture by Alice Palmer

I know you skipped past this article earlier, because you were in public and didn’t want everyone to see you reading something with a headline about faking an orgasm. But now that you have rushed home to be alone just so you can read this article, I’ll let you in on a little secret. About 80% of women fail to reach orgasm during sex, and my guess is you are reading this article because you are also having o-issues.

Don’t worry; your secret is safe with me, but just know that I am keeping this clandestine for at least three quarters of the female population.

Let this article provide you with a sense of normality about a private, but common issue.

4. Losing control of the body-spasms Outkast knows where it’s at in ‘Hey Ya’ when they’re talking about shaking it; try using that to help you remember to prep yourself for the grand finale. This moment could make or break your whole deception. Without looking like you’re in The Exorcist, you have to make him believe your body is suffering from ultimate ecstasy. Be sure to release and contract the pelvic muscles (purchasing ben wa balls can help you increase stamina in this area) and make your body shudder from pure pleasure. This technique can take a bit of practice, but when done right it can take your performance to a whole new level.

5. Slap him If you think he suspects something or you just want to throw in some extra drama, give him a clean slap in the face. He’ll be so confused/ angry/surprised that he’ll forget all of his suspicions and of course you can just blame the outburst on being “caught up in the heat of the moment”. Be sure to add an “I’m coming!” remark towards the end to “finish off” your orgasmic performance, literally; congrats girl, you just faked your way through an orgasm!

You just re-enacted an out of body experience, so either get the fuck out of there and stumble home, roll over and fall asleep or enjoy some comfort cuddles, because you deserve it.

‘/Le petit mort/’ (the little death) is a French euphemism for orgasm.

11

THE LUCK OF THE “IRISH”

by Thea Walton That sounds more insidious than it was, to be fair. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not trying to claim that dyeing my hair led to me acquiring some debilitating minority status. I mean, I wasn’t suddenly a redheaded guy. For the most part, my new look just meant that people were more likely to remember meeting me, spot me in a crowd or (I hope) mistake me for Emma Stone. It was a weird experience, but it mainly served as an undeserved confidence boost, kinda like when everyone starts noticing the nerd because she’s invested in contacts, washed her hair and started dating Freddie Prinze Jr.

I only questioned my decision once, just as my Australian-Chinese friend dropped me off at the salon in Northbridge. “Dude, I’m pretty sure this place is for Asians. I think I’ve got my hair cut here a couple of times,” she warned, and I was instantly struck with horrific visions of a hairstyle that didn’t quite match with my hair’s natural thickness and wave. But I was too poor to just write off my purchase as a sunk cost, Asian hairstyle or not, and so I committed to the change.

However, when a blonde, a brunette and a redhead (a.k.a. me) walk into a bar, everything lifts to a whole new level. I don’t have any concrete scientific explanation for what happens, but based on my limited knowledge of chemistry I can only speculate that the –OH bonds found in the beverages of the male patrons fuse with the neurons that are linked to their limited subconscious understanding of redheaded females as perpetuated by the media and fairytales, so that suddenly, I appeared to them as a Celtic sex beacon, lighting up the night sky. Of course, it wasn’t like I was beating men away with my handbag, but guys were definitely noticing me much more than the other times I have frequented bars sans my fiery, red locks.

And then, guys were approaching me. And then

The resulting dye-job was good. Really good. And this isn’t just my biased opinion, or a desperate attempt to justify my $69 splurge. I could see it in the faces of others, their look of surprise, followed by a smile of delight, tempered by an eye-twinge of jealousy. And I got, like, twenty “likes” on my Facebook cover photo. But the most telling response, which probably means that Vidal Sassoon has some fierce competition over in Northbridge, was that everyone I met in the USA thought my hair colour was real.

they were talking to me. And then they were asking to kiss me mid-sentence and I was all like “Look, just because you’re an Oxford grad doing your second masters in law, and your dad’s Posh Beckham’s dentist or something, doesn’t mean that I suddenly want to make out with you after we’ve been talking for five minutes.” OK, so maybe that last part only happened once.

Posh Beckham’s dentist The thing is, I garnered a majority of this attention due to the simple fact that my hair was red. I changed one physical feature, and suddenly the way people identified and interacted with me changed. My friends had only ever known me as a redhead, and I think as such they attributed my character to my appearance. I became weirdly desperate for them to see that I wasn’t just my hair. I had also grown tired of being a redheaded “vixen”. Every time a guy approached me, I found myself wondering if he ever would have spoken to me otherwise. So I went to the hairdressers, showed her a picture of Lena Dunham, and demanded that she chop it all off.

And now everyone thinks I’m a hipster lesbian.

Until I dyed my hair, I thought that all my Irish heritage had given me was a mother with a penchant for Celtic music, an excuse to drink too much on a weekday, the ability to sunburn with ease, and unlimited access to the Schengen Area.

But I guess being a member of the Keating Clan is just a gift that keeps on giving, as my pale-skinwith-freckles combo meant that I could easily pass for a natural ‘ranga. I was not expecting what happened as a result of this physical transformation. Having been an average, white female with dark-blonde hair for most of my life, I had never before been consistently identified by others based on one of my physical attributes.

Sure, if I hang around a group of people for long enough I am prone to get labeled “The Insane Dancer,” or “The One Who Swears a Fuckload,” or even “That Girl with the Pants” (I have some good pants). But this was the first time that I was immediately, and quite definitively, labeled whenever I walked into a room.

12

Though it’s thought that less than 2% of the global population has red hair, one in ten Irish people have gingivitis, and around 46% carry the recessive gene. If you believe you may be a carrier, contact your GP.

Picture by Lauren Wiszniewski

I’m not entirely sure what inspired me to get my hair dyed red. I made the change just before I left for America to spend a year on exchange, so you could make the logical assumption that I did it as a physical expression of my intention to transform my identity while I was abroad.

This new, redheaded Thea would be more confident, speak conversational Spanish and have greater flexibility through her calves. Though, to be honest, I think my decision was mainly influenced by the Groupon™ deal I bought: EXCLUSIVE Style Cut, Colour & Hair Treatment Package Only $69! It was a bargain.

FAKERS AND FRAUDS; LYING IN JOB INTERVIEWS.

by Simon Donnes The process of breaking into the real world of jobs, careers and work is often described as a vicious cycle. To get a job, one needs experience. To get experience, one needs a job. You’ve no doubt encountered this kind of frustration before. The two most common solutions are working for free or pulling strings with family and friends, but as much as slavery is horrible and nepotism joyous, you cannot always avoid the dreaded job interview.

So rev up those resumes and start firing off letters of introduction, because the best way to get a job is to lie through your teeth.

The resume is a fertile training ground. Here you will prepare the juicy, tender hearts (gonna have to explain this one to me man) that make up the darkness of your soul, and hopefully pay your rent. Past employment and references are the big ticket items, and you won’t have either if you need to lie in a job interview in the first place. Pick businesses that are closed and go to your hearts content. You were the store manager of an Action Supermarket for 10 years? You’re hired! No existing business, no conflicting story. References are slightly more hands on; on paper, they’re the simplest thing in the world (just put down a mates phone number, and buy said mate a six pack or a pizza to be on stand-by for a week and to cover for you). The difficulty lies in getting them to play the role convincingly; you’re after strong, authoritative voices and the sort of “stop wasting my time” Type A personality that will make a prospective employer feel stressed just by listening. A glowing report from such a highly strung individual is just the backing an on-the-fence employer is after., since they want their new colosseum entrant to win, not just survive.

The interview itself will be judged most heavily by how well you can skirt the line of lying big and not getting caught, and dealing with it when you are eventually tangled in your own web. If the opportunity arises to mention your

Picture by by Natalie Thompson

For those uncomfortable with lying, consider that most employers are jaded, bored people who presume that the most impressive aspects of what you’re saying aren’t true, and that you’re a lazy, no good university student out for a joyride. While they’re absolutely right, that’s nothing that being upfront and sincere with them can fix, so you have to either play ball and make it up or get left behind. You’re not doing this because you’re a sociopath; you’re doing this to keep up with everyone else.

extended philanthropic work, running the city to surf in record time and weekend pursuits involving saving homeless children from burning buildings, all the better. You’re a book being judged solely on your blurb here, so dress the part. Wash your shirt, iron your hair and try and stay sober the day before, your skin will show it. While smiles are lovely, leave the grills at home, and if you drink coffee like you’d be better off with it dripping into your arm through a tube, it might be better to keep the teeth hidden. When caught on the wrong foot and called out, blame a third party. While turning the accusations of fraud back around on the employer won’t do you much good, those not there can’t defend themselves. Your coach was lying, your sponsors were fake, or your doctor was joking about you having a terminal illness.

Lying in the interview is all about believing your own story, so get in character. Heath Ledger liked to lock himself into hotel rooms for weeks on end to prepare for a role, and while it ended badly for him, you have to ask yourself if a steady income isn’t worth a fair amount of psychological unhinging.

It’s important to layer the lies; big ones, small ones and the ones somewhat in between, like a big trifle of deceit. You’re at university?

Not only that, but you’re in the streamlined honours-assured course (at least you know someone who is). Hobbies? Five years of competitive team sport at some club; omit that this was when you were five. Layering everything means it’s ok for the big ticket items to be disregarded. It’ll mean they should consider the smaller stuff to be true by default; you’re highballing, but in reverse. Again, they’re expecting you to lie, but by giving them bait, they’re likely to accept the more plausible claims.

All things going well, you’re going to get the call. If they fell for the whole façade thus far, push for a better deal than they first offer you – you’re a grade A catch! How many other Subways can claim to have a Doctor of Astrology on staff? Now that you’ve got the job, you’re going to have to deal with the problem no-one has a guide for; how to survive in the workplace.

13

FAKE IT ‘TIL YOU MAKE IT Or, How to get by in University Without Really Knowing What You’re Doing

by Cameron Moyses The 1978 movie Animal House chronicles the misadventures of two freshmen as they enter the weird and exciting world of a College fraternity.

It’s a real coming-of-age story, told through the gaze of these young guys navigating their way through a landscape of endless booze, sleazy women and rampant toga parties. The whole teen-sex-comedy genre owes its futile existence to this groundbreaking film; and if you haven’t seen it, you probably should. You can also go ahead and blame it for making you believe that once you finally got through those University doors, your whole life would just become one, eternal party. In reality, University is much tamer than the wonderland the magic of the silver screen once promised me, but you can’t always get what you want, can you? Besides the parties, these movies also promised you that coming into this new chapter of your life would also bring lifelong friends; perhaps the ones that mentor you from a nervous fresher into a fully-fledged University student, or a complete, lovable band of misfits that are (of course) annoying at first but eventually start to grow on you.

Yet, it’s now the beginning of the second semester and you’re still wondering when, if ever, people will start to notice you so this can finally start to become a reality. However, as it turns out, your life isn’t actually a coming-of-age movie.

I’ve met many freshers this year who were yet to make a single friend. I was one of you. Coming out of high school, I was chubby and covered in horrifying acne. My confidence was in the shitter, and I lacked the guts to talk to people, let alone make friends because I didn’t want to make an idiot out of myself and mess up what was supposed to be a fresh start. So, I hung back, hugging the vomit-stained walls of the bar, constantly checking my Twitter feed. I was miserable. But after watching a lot of movies, and going through a weird period of self-reflection, I started to realize that all of my perceived shortcomings were all just figments of my imagination. The self-anxiety that had engulfed me completely was in every way untrue. I needed to get confidence. And since at the time I didn’t have any handy at the time, I just faked it.

The idea behind this philosophy is that if you pretend to know exactly what you’re doing, eventually you’ll figure it out. It’s actually pretty simple. Now, I can already imagine some of you out there throwing your arms up in the air and crying to the heavens above “but Cameron, HOW can I do that?!?” If you are, here’s a few simple strategies that have helped me and are so effective that others might start believing that you’re the ineffably confident mutant spawn of Joey Tribbiani and the Fonz:

- Respond to every situation the same way you imagine a fictional character would. For example, the latest show to absorb me is Mad Men, so I’ve gone ahead and done every stranger I meet a service by pretending I’m Don Draper.

- Realize the simple fact that most people you meet will probably never see you again. Hell, you can make a complete ass of yourself by accident, and never have to look them in the eye ever again.

Go wild; it really doesn’t matter.

- Ever hear stories about guys who who like to suggest to others repeatedly that their genetalia is gigantic, while in reality it ,may actually resemble a toddler’s index finger? Now, pretend your heavy self-doubt issues are like that metaphorically tiny penis. What I’m trying to say is to combat your low self-esteem, try going completely over-the-top. Be sure to mention your amazing sense of style, even if your mum bought all of your clothes. It doesn’t matter – the point of this exercise is to habituate yourself in talking to others and being perceived as ‘confident’ and ‘outgoing’. Also, repeatedly saying these things over and over again, despite them maybe being extremely far away from the truth, can actually help the healing process.

Try it out.

- There are over 20,000 students at UWA. Clubs range from the extremely pompous Philosophy Club to the extremely weird and niche like theone-where-you-dress-up-as-a-medieval-knight-andhit-each-other-with-sticks club. Honestly, if you can’t find people that match your interests, you’re not looking hard enough.

Picture by Marnie Allen

- Be honest. For example, when meeting someone new, try saying “Wow, y’know I’ve never really talked to anyone outside of class at all. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing!” When nervous and out of things to say, I’ve found this approach to be extremely fun, and puts both parties at ease.

Maybe they’re feeling the same thing.

14

Take it from someone who has been through the awkward stages of being an actual social outcast and certified ‘weirdo’; Semester 1 is a test run. It’s like slowly wading into the icy cold pool of adulthood. Now you’re in. You know how everything works, and everyone else knows the game too. If you’re still nervous and feel the need to hang back and test the temperature for a little bit longer, just try jumping in, and if you don’t have a clue in what you’re doing, fake it.

The women on the “Camelot” float in Animal House are all costumed in what Jackie Kennedy was wearing the day JFK was shot.

PORTRAIT OF A PHONY AS A NON-MAN

by Kate Prendergast

To the sterner amongst us—them high-minded evaluators who hold particularly demanding criteria on what constitutes a person— the phony is situated in a class of subhuman. This harsh ruling comes from the belief that the phony has forsaken that which Arendt exalted as ‘action’— the ‘ability to disclose the identity of the agent, to affirm the reality of the world, and to actualize our capacity for freedom’. Bent on merely surviving, the phony does not seek to invent, overcome, or find truth. Ambitious to be invisible in the most manifest way, their fervour and their desires are non-transgressive; instead, with anxious regularity, they hone the edges of convention, colouring their lives within the lines of acceptability.

Whilst the phony’s movements may seem glib, there is no freedom to them: he is a cautious creature. But he is unperturbed by this, thinking caution to be necessary to withstanding and subduing the world’s fitful brutality. And, as the phony’s private self hungrily and hamfistedly conceives his social self, the third and most enigmatic dimension of a person— the so-called ‘secret self’— shrivels and palls. It all must be very wearying, I think, affecting an attitude that— though he may try to force it — doesn’t become him.

Such is the phony as he is popularly and repugnantly known. Yet, as wretched and real a case as he is, perhaps the idea of the phony needs revision. His prevailing definition— as ’someone who pretends to be someone they are not’— is too rigid by our postmodern standards.

It assumes that identity is something that is fixed (an assumption any modern egghead will tell you just ain’t so). As one of my lecturers once spake— his voice resounding with the terrible intensity of a prophet through the LMS EchoPlayer— ‘the individual is never completed. You will always, for the rest of your life, be in continuous training.

Never be at peace, but in a constant state of anxiety in this world’. The fact that he sounded a bit like Herzog didn’t help.

Anyway, consciously or not, every individual is bound to adjust their attitudes and behaviours according to context. Often, this can be described as ‘tact’— a policy taken by all but the brash or disdainful to reduce the ‘awkward factor’, to help create a workable social dynamic during shortterm encounters. Case in point: I’m sure your regular Baker’s Delight girl wouldn’t give you that lovely, generous, warm-rich-honey-bread-rising smile if you approached her out of her work apron (exaggerated civility being a condition of employment for such workers— half their worth is that they provide us with a rudeness-free space in our day. We don’t give a toss if their smiles are fake; at 5pm, at the end of a long, crummy day of pretending, we fucking well want our fucking smile, sunshine).

Perhaps the genuine phony is instead someone who ‘pretends to be someone they are not capable of being’. For as much as he obsesses over the idea of being a certain type of person, he can’t quite embody the ideal. Somehow, he has become stuck in the middle of his positive transformation, exposing a gap between his real self and the self he craves to be around others. Having no understanding behind the behaviour he’s affected, no self-conviction to sustain his conceit, and no imagination to grace his desires, he becomes like a bad actor that gives us grief to watch. For all our consternation, though, they’re the real victim; who wants to watch someone flub their lines?

A prophet through the LMS Echoplayer But never mind buying bread— what if someone really wants to be someone they are currently not?

What if one suddenly realizes one is, genuinely, a dick? How then are they supposed to get from one landing of ‘authenticity’ to another? Are they doomed to squat like an unhappy toad on their unfertile, craggy island of ‘I’? Will they be forever constrained by a certain set of characteristics for which they are generally known, since any deviation from them will be undermined by the hateful, incredulous jeer of ‘fraud’?

Not likely. Which leads us to the tentative conclusion that we have all been phonies, at some point or another. We all play-pretend our way into a personality— which could be just another way of saying we’ve had the humility, vigour and self-awareness to be inspired into shaking up our old ways of expressing ourselves. In the unending project of self-realization, we slip into sensibilities, trial unfamiliar modes of being. S’long as it feels right, ay bro. And so long as it is moderated by a little bit of irony.

Thus are we bound up the endless paradox of inventing authenticity— ‘faking it til it’s real’. We pretend to be someone other than who we are, in the supremely optimistic hope that we can be other than who we are. Kind of like Jay Gatsby (which is why— as a man who described himself as ‘one of the few honest people that I have ever known’, Gatsby wasn’t a phony; he was, well, Pretty Great). Following this, I propose a slight reworking of the aforementioned phony definition.

Barbora Skrlova, a 33-year old Czech woman, led authorities all over Europe impersonating 13-year-old boys and girls. She was caught in Oslo, having shaved her head and bandaged her breasts to take on the guise of a boy called Adam Farhner. She had been escaping witnessing at the trial of her father, a cult member who had been positioning his daughter to become the next “goddess” of the group.

Picture by Kate Prendergast

The phony is, in our general listing of the different types of people, located on the scummy rind of our disapproval. Their servility to their efforts to belong where they ordinarily wouldn’t both sickens and dismays those who feel more comfortable in their own skin. We see them as too craven, or too lazy, or too lost to whittle out an identity for themselves from their own personal mettle. And so— in their earnest, idiotic, imitative approach— it appears to us like they’ve gotten around some fundamental step in the process of becoming.

15

EYE SURGERY IN SOUTH KOREA: COSMETIC COLONIALISM?

by Brad Griffin

Physiognomy is the study of a person’s face to ascertain certain characteristics. Though physiognomy fell out of respected scientific circles in the late 19th century, it still holds some weight in South Korea, having been

Size of their peepers introduced into the peninsula at the same time as Buddhism seveal thousand years ago.

Many genuinely believe that their appearance is directly linked to how successful they can hope to be in their lives; fortune telling based on physiognomy is a $250 million business in South Korea. The eyes are key; 50% of someone’s fortune is determined by the shape and size of their peepers. For women, bigger eyes suggest happiness and love for her and her husband, as well as promising luck and a passionate nature. Most coveted of all are the double eyelids which, roughly speaking, only 25% of Korean females are born with. Singlelidded eyes in Korea are often seen as being “plain” or “basic”, so therefore, those who covet the former are seeking to mimic a rare Korean genetic mutation. For many of them, it has nothing to do with the West and European ideals of beauty, but of ancient Korean ideals about beauty.

Because of this, for many, cosmetic surgery is believed to be a way in which they can alter their own destiny. While not cheap

16

($2600 is an average price), it’s fallen dramatically in price in recent decades (while becoming safer) and is certainly no longer a surgery exclusive to the elite.

Many Koreans see the surgery as an inexpensive investment in shoring up their financial futures.

After the Asian Financial Crisis of the 90s and the recent GFC, many Koreans lost stable jobs as big government firms downsized, meaning they had to start their own businesses; employment that depends much more on personal fortune than the protection of a large company. So important is cosmetic surgery to the Korean GDP that during the financial crisis the government made procedures eligible for tax breaks.

While the older generations are more resistant, the younger generation tends to view cosmetic surgery much more casually.

Indeed, cosmetic surgery as a whole is so ingrained in South Korean culture that it has the highest amount of plastic surgeries per capita, 1 in 5 South Korean women have had some sort of cosmetic surgery and, most interestingly, cosmetic surgery has become a popular graduation gift.

It’s a trend that’s spreading across the rest of Asia too, cresting the explosion of popularity of South Korean popular culture. For some, getting plastic surgery has become as natural as choosing their outfit for the day, or deciding how to do their makeup. While that may seem like an outrageous state of mind to many of us in Australia, it’s a mere reflection of how prolific and accepted permanent cosmetic alteration of one’s face is in Korea. With one of the most commercialized and media-centric societies in the world, it shouldn’t be so surprising that so many Koreans turn to cosmetic surgery as an option.

Thus, the idea in the West that the sole purpose cosmetic eye surgery in Korea is due to the desire of Koreans (females in particular) to achieve a western look and to

Picture by Grace McKie

When I was feeling insecure as a kid, my mother would tell me I was perfect just the way I was; these days, I just drink the pain away. However, there are many young women growing up in South Korea convinced they weren’t born adequate, feeling like they have to take drastic action to conform to impossibly high standards of beauty. Often their parents do nothing to intervene, while others even openly encourage surgical transformations.

Welcome to the world of cosmetic eye surgery, or bleuroplasty, in South Korea. Sources in the Western media recently have questioned this growing trend and, in many cases, have ignorantly (and no doubt with some race bias) pointed to it being a result of a desire among East Asians to look European. The reality for the most part could not be farther from this.

mimic American and European ideals of beauty is for the most part an arrogant misconception.

Perhaps more than most Western cultures, and similar to Japanese and Chinese cultures, the Korean quest for perfection has always been a central tenet in their artwork. One only needs to look at the Japanese geisha to understand the lengths East Asian cultures go to attain perfection. In this context, cosmetic eye surgery can be seen as simply a modern manifestation of this ancient artistic tradition. The question is, how far will modern science be able to take this ability to transform oneself? One thing’s for sure, the Koreans will probably be on top of it.

According to seoulistic.com (I know), Koreans say that men with blood type B are the most likely to cheat on their partners, since they are more self-centered and lack compassion.

DIY CULTS

by Isabel Norrie

Firstly, there is the ‘strong-charismatic-all knowing-chosen by a divine force’ element to every cult leadership. Practically every notable cult leader in the past 30 years has employed the tactic of ‘I know something you don’t know and I will only tell you if you join me’, which without all the pseudo-mystic nonsense (i.e. unalienable truth) seems reminiscent of the taunting words uttered by a snotty primary school student. Yet, this simple strategy has enraptured countless adults to the point of total indoctrination. From Manson to Jim Jones and David Koresh, all have shared the similar claim of being privy to unknown knowledge or able to communicate with a ‘higher power’, thus cementing their all-seeing God on earth status.

Next on the cult to-do list should definitely be acquiring an isolated and communal headquarters from which to carry out cult master plans of conversion, indoctrination and usually extremely liberal sexual endeavours. An isolated setting has proved to be extremely popular as it ensures usually, in a fairly sinister and decidedly creepy way, that those who join will find it exceedingly difficult to leave. In the case of Jim Jones and the Jonestown massacre, this extreme isolation aided complicity in Jones’ implementation of a compound wide suicide pact. Similarly, in Waco David Koresh barricaded himself and his followers inside their own compound for over a month, which eventually ended in an FBI siege and eighty deaths. This concept of a headquarters provides a cult with a sense of a

base and belonging where they are free to do as they please away from prying eyes, while also providing a conveniently remote locations for a mass suicide.

Another notable part of cult dogma would be the insistent cries of “the apocalypse is nigh!”, and I’m not just talking about the collective obsession we all seemed to have with the

Good ol’ fashioned plagues 2012 Mayan apocalypse (the actualities of Mayan culture be damned; everyone really just wanted to see a Michael-bay-esque movie showing shit exploding/imploding, because we clearly don’t have enough of THOSE already).

What cults promise are more your Old Testament/sci-fi biblical type of apocalypse, complete with judgement and the righteous (i.e. cult members) getting a ticket to heaven where seventy-two virgins await in velvet on a loveseat. So picture, your good old-fashioned plagues, hell on earth type apocalypse seems to be the predominantly used form taken up by most cults.

Interestingly, each cult seems to have its own often oddly specific ‘end date’ set for our timely demise. Never mind the fact that more often than not the aforementioned date comes and goes without incident; a resourceful cult leader will claim pardon from God and then kindly set a brand spankin’ new date for eternal damnation.

This gives their otherwise incessantly directionless ramblings and teachings a purpose and the followers something to strive endlessly for.

I personally couldn’t think of cult ever to grace the tomes of human existence that would be more deserving of this prestigious accolade. So what is Hale-Bopp, or as it is otherwise known Heaven’s Gate? Conceived in the ‘70s and led

by Marshall Applewhite and Bonnie Nettles, Heaven’s Gate had some decidedly odd beliefs.

To put it plainly, they and their followers believed that they had to commit suicide before the Earth was ‘recycled’ or reborn (thus killing us all) in order to gain entry to an alien spacecraft that was following the comet ‘HaleBopp’; not exactly a normal belief, even by cult standards. To cement the weirdness even further, all were found post-suicide dressed in matching black shirts and track pants with armbands reading “Heaven’s Gate Away Team” and all with identical footwear – pristine, newly acquired, black and white Nike Decades. I guess we’ll never know just why Nikes were necessary to suicide induced space travel.

All in all, almost anyone can become a cult leader if you have the foresight to follow the noticeable patterns set out for you plain and simple by your forbears (although it probably will help if you are already a psychopath with delusions of grandeur).

It’s perhaps worth that although there have been numerous cult leaders adept at ‘making it’, they have all most certainly been ‘faking it’, and it’s only ever taken them to one of two places; death or jail.

And the award for the best (worst) cult there is goes to…Hale-Bopp

French pianist (and progenitor of ambient music) Erik Satie started his own religion called L’Eglise Métropolitaine d’Art de Jésus Conducteur. Envisioning a million converts in grey hoods brandishing five metre long lances to defend the Church (located in his bedroom), he also excommunicated music critics hostile to his work. The church had only one member.

Picture by Lauren Wiszniewski

To those unschooled in the arts of persuasion becoming a cult leader may seem like a daunting prospect, but never fear, potential chosen one; there are numerous fun and easy ways to find a flock of followers to lead into eternal nirvana! You definitely wouldn’t be the first to contemplate such a monumental step forward into posthumous recognition and guru status, since history is littered with the legacies of cult leaders gone awry. Though the central beliefs of cults are diverse (that the earth is about to be ‘recycled’ so we must leave immediately, that ‘Helter Skelter’ by The Beatles predicted the inevitable war between blacks and whites in America, Christ’s return is imminent from space, the possibility and necessity of mind transfer, UFOs are everywhere, etc.), there are several unifying factors which reoccur time and time again which you can tap into to get rolling with your own.

17

CULTURE JAMMING 101

by Matt Bye In this digital age, activists have been able to enjoy the perks of the viral nature in which information can be spread through social media. Culture jamming, or the act of subverting existing media and advertisements into often critical and satirical reflections of themselves, is one method that has been made increasingly prominent in this new era of social and political activism. However, despite this viral popularity of culture jamming, there are serious questions about its ability to bring about change.

There’s been quite a few notable examples of culture jamming receiving high levels of media and public attention over the past decade. Amongst them, Buzzfeed co-founder Jonah Peretti’s series of correspondences with Nike over his attempt to get them to produce a custom pair of shoes embroidered with the word ‘sweatshop’ that went viral in 2001.

Molleindustria’s infamous ‘McDonald’s Video Game’, which placed players in charge of McDonald’s and set them the task of thriving in a world where the health lobby got annoyed every time an infected cow made it into the burgers (Those bastards). And of course there’s The Chasers, who have openly waged war against pretty much everyone by staging meta-stunts which have poked fun at the ludicrousness that constitutes our world.

Above all though, there’s The Yes Men. They’re a network of activists who through ‘identity correction’ (imitating a company and then using the naiveté of the public to make a series of statements on ‘behalf’ of the company in order to reveal the supposed truth, except slicker) have staged a series of stunts in order to criticise the actions of some of our favourite multinational corporations.

Think the Chasers, except without their own TV deal.

Back in 2002, The Yes Men made a website imitating the lovely chaps at The Dow Chemical Company, where they released a widely-publicised statement saying that Dow’s stance on the ongoing issue in Bhopal, India would not change and that there would be no financial reparations. For those unfamiliar with the Bhopal disaster, during 1984 there was a toxic chemical explosion at a Union Carbide facility (UC were purchased by Dow in 2001) causing thousands of death and leaving

18

hundreds of thousands more with debilitating health issues and various birth defects. Needless to say, the public were infuriated with the real Dow and demanded change.

Indian offshoot of Union Carbide, thus they weren’t directly responsible), there’s not really a lot an angry mob can do in the short-term to change it.

However, not satisfied with the mischief managed, The Yes Men moved on to bigger things and in 2004 had member Andy Bichlbaum masquerade on BBC Worldwide News a little while later as a representative of Dow. During the interview Bichlbaum announced that Dow had done a 180 on the issue and decided to liquidate Union Carbide, using the proceeds to fix Bhopal and other Dow-related issues.

The real Dow then issued a statement saying the interview was incorrect and that was not occurring, further fuelling the fire and around $2bil was wiped from Dow’s stock value on the European markets (later rebounding on the confirmation of the hoax).

But beyond that, there’s a fundamental flaw in how The Yes Men and their contemporaries go about doing things. For instance, how hard do you think it is to convince a publicly-owned multi-billion dollar company who makes its money at the disadvantage of others/the environment to change its corporate policy (at a loss) and spend millions of dollars fixing a problem – thereby causing them flak for admitting they’d fucked up – when they legally don’t have to? I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s pretty hard going in most circumstances, no matter how popular a decision that would be; just look at how much support gay-marriage has in Australia though it’s still not permitted.

So, what was achieved by all of that? People were reminded of the on-going situation in Bhopal, Dow copped some flak from the public for being a soulless corporation and The Yes Men were further propelled into notoriety.

What of the people in Bhopal? Well, apart from garnering a bit of attention for the situation and increasing the amount of aid donated to groups working in the area, not a lot. Dow and Union Carbide remain adamant that they’re not directly liable for the accident and aren’t going to shell-out the cash to clean up the still contaminated site anytime soon. Even now, the issue of whose liable to fix the mess is still being fought out in the Court systems of both the US and India, neither coming close to a conclusion even after thirty years of legal battles.

So what actually happens when you get the public semi-interested in an issue for a short while before they get bored and forget all about it? Nothing. And this is the problem with The Yes Men – a unless it’s something that drastically affects their lives, most people either aren’t aware or don’t care for long enough periods of time to make a difference.

As such, one-off stunts are rarely going to work as a form of long-lasting activism. The news cycle moves on, and so does everyone else. I don’t argue that their hearts are probably in the right place, but seriously, social change is a stubborn thing; you have to roll up your sleeves.

Part of the problem with this particular situation is that it almost entirely rests on a series of legal decisions which for all intents and purposes, are meant to be beyond the pressures of public opinion. And if a court rules that Union Carbide isn’t culpable for the damages for whatever legal reason (in this case the US Courts ruled that the factory was run by an independently managed

fact is: If you eat a polar bear liver, you will die. Humans can’t handle that much vitamin A.

SIMULATED SEX

The only item I’ve ever purchased from a sex store is a giant drink bottle in the shape of a penis. My friend and I were very taken by the idea of jogging in wealthy suburbs while casually sipping from this monstrosity and scaring all the conservative people watering their plants. Of course, the penis bottle is now shoved in a plastic bag inside my wardrobe and I am yet to go jogging with it (mostly because I’m extraordinarily unfit). I think what my friend and I found most amusing about this water bottle was that it seemed like such a gimmick. Who on earth would actually use it? It’s not as though it could be used as a nice vase or an actual dildo (unless the user was Octomum perhaps). But gimmicks and novelties aside, the sex market is crawling with gadgets and toys that are designed to mimic experiences of sex with a partner, an unattainable supermodel, or even Barack Obama. Some people may turn their nose up at the use of these objects and assume that simulated sex is a compromise and the real thing is incomparably better. But when you look at the types of toys on the market, it must be acknowledged that many of them are designed to simulate inaccessible sexual experiences and have nothing to do with the user lacking a partner or being desperate. It’s hard not to picture a sad, lonely figure with slumped shoulders shuffling down the aisle of a sex store and drooling over the closest thing he or she can get to that celebrity or supermodel they fantasize over. Loneliness and desperation tend to get lumped in with masturbation and fantasizing; the lonely people are settling for a pretend sexual scenario when they can’t have the ‘real thing’.

But people don’t necessarily stop pleasuring themselves when they have a healthy, regular sex life with one or more partners. Sex and masturbation are not mutually exclusive, and neither should be considered a superior experience because they are two separate entities. Sure, masturbation is often the first encounter with sex that people have, but that doesn’t mean that it exists only as an introduction that readies one for sex with a partner or multiple partners. Sex needs to be considered as a solo exercise just as much as something done by a couple. Solo sex is safe, natural, and important for people to feel comfortable doing if they choose to. There is nothing inauthentic about the ability to stimulate oneself, so the availability of objects to aid in this self-stimulation

doesn’t necessarily mean masturbation is an inferior form of pleasure. And what objects!

My favourite sex items I’ve come across in my research range from Lube for your Nuts that tastes like nuts, the Verspanken; a male masturbator that looks like Steven Tyler’s lips, the Anatomically Correct Whale Penis, a dildo that looks like an ear of corn, and a vampire mouth in a can. People in loving, healthy relationships with a robust sex life can’t have their way with an ear of corn or Steve Tyler’s lips without branching outside of their coupledom. On the other hand, there are sex toys that seem to be designed to eliminate the need for a sexual partner altogether. These are based on male or female orifices and appendages, and come in various shapes and sizes. Despite their marketing, I think most people can acknowledge that even if a perfect simulation of sex with a partner existed, people wouldn’t necessarily gravitate towards being single. It seems fairly obvious to say that sex does not account for all of the positive aspects of being in an intimate relationship.

But that’s not to say that there is no place for these realistic sex objects. I worked in a shoe store for a number of years and my co-workers and I were frequent victims of a

young foot-fetishist who would come in to the store and ask us to try on shoes and wiggle our toes for him. I would have walked him all the way to the sex shop had I known that he could buy the ‘Pussy Footin’, a synthetic ladies foot with a special vaginal opening on the sole. Hell, I would have bought it for him if it meant that he would stop ogling our feet and licking his lips before ranting about how he was going to become a transit guard as soon as he was of age. Ah, memories. Furthermore, people between relationships or who choose not to be in them but still want to experience a similar form of sexual stimulation should be able to access these experiences without feeling like they’re a creepy loner who can’t get a real girlfriend or boyfriend. Loneliness and inability to acquire a sexual partner do not under any circumstances explain why someone decided to create a scorpion shaped cock ring or a ‘Cup Nude’ which is, on the surface, a plastic cup of noodles, but open it up and surprise! there’s a vagina shaped hole in there for you to put your willy in. So throw caution to the wind, grab your purse and head to your nearest sex shop, you can finally feel normal about buying that baby Jesus butt plug you’ve been eyeing off!

Sort of.

Picture byMarnie Allen

by Marnie Allen

19

FONY 2013

by Angus Sargeant

Step 1: CHOOSE YOUR MISSION Fashion yourself a little ‘minority’ list; you know, your standard who’s who of UNICEF charities and organisations. Now let the culling begin! We recommend you work on the indolent principle of “Less is More”; put a line through anything involving poverty and malnutrition (waaaaay too much effort). Exotic is what you’re looking for, something that’ll sway the average Freo hipster into sacrificing his/her double shot decaf soy flat white because you’re cause “spoke” to them. That said, prising the $3.80 from their hot little hand will be no mean feat, so being able to stick a face to this project is a must! Someone those in western suburbia can really rally against (Ed. Q: what are rich, old white people scared of? Best answer gets our spare whiteboard)

Coolabah crisp white

actually see the world. If your folks (like mine) have suddenly decided to cut all funding- that last remaining bond you both shared- then a mid-semester holiday without picking up those extra Clubba shifts at HJs is not going to happen. If you can’t travel, all isn’t lost for your project; get sifting through YouTube and see what you can rustle up. A montage of nostalgic and inspiring video clips should suffice, mingled with some brief horrific images of your cause (the most important thing is probably a decent soundtrack).

Step 3: SPREAD THE GOSPEL Close friends and family do not constitute the category of “target audience,” regardless of how insightful nanna’s feedback is. This doco needs to be in the YouTube pedigree of the video for Gangnam Style, British Animal Voiceovers and Rick Perry’s campaign bloopers. Thankfully, courtesy of Mr Zuckerberg you can now make your ‘friends’ do majority of work for you. Jump on Facebook, upload the movie and spam the shit out of their news feeds to the point they refuse to make eye contact in tutorials. Note that these actions can potentially lead to alienation from peer groups and further repercussions of the physical variety, but for all their scorn and indignation, in the world of social media there’s a lot worse you can do.

Step 4: TAKE ACTION All those months of blood, sweat and tears will finally culminate in one night. Marshall the troops, set a date and get ready to paint the town (literally and metaphorically) red. I’m sure you’ve all heard that a carpenter is only a good

as his tools, and to ensure this shindig goes down in the annals as a triumph, your minions – sorry, volunteers – will need more than luck and a permanent marker. We’re talking showbags worth of goodies to wreak havoc and mayhem with, including everything a virgin activist needs when on the ground.

Necessities: • Spray paint (2-3 cans, colours of your own choosing) • Bananas (nothing worse than a riot cramp) • A mix tape of Triple J’s ‘Short, Fast, Loud (to get them really riled up) • 1 bag of Coolabah crisp white (liquid confidence/post rally amnesia) • A handful of bumper stickers • Dog tags linking them to the Rise Up Australia Party (Why not kill two birds with one stone?)

Let the carnage begin!

Step 5: ENJOY There you have it; you have single-handedly lifted the veil of ignorance that previously clouded the world in one single night! Though there’s no quantitative measurement to gauge the success of your social ‘experiment’, I’ve no doubt it will be a huge success! It may be that not everyone who clicked attending actually came on the night but don’t worry, there would have been millions of others. Now, you can relax, let your hair down and have a beer; hell, strip naked and run around the streets of San Diego if you really want to. You’ve earned it!

Step 2: GET CREATIVE You can bludgeon someone with a placard, hand out half the Amazon in fliers or scream till you’re blue in face, but no-one will really care. This project is all about getting as much attention as possible, so, here’s where that COMMs major may actually be of use. Beg, borrow or steal a handy cam (we’re saving lives here, people!) and set to work making your documentary expose of the horror that you want to bring a swift, popular end to. A 30 second Vine clip is probably not going to cut it. To liberate that Eddie Adams hiding within, you will need real footage from ‘ground zero’, inevitably requiring you to forgo the sheltered community of the Golden Triangle to go and

20

Goodreads user Juenn on Kony: “He is a weird guy who probably has no life... -he ruins lives of innocent kids -he has no idea what an idiot he is -he’s going to die someday.”

Picture by Marnie Allen

Have you got a hankering to do something noble? Something revolutionary? Something that could POTENTIALLY change the lives of millions? Well, look no further.

Here is the simple, foolproof, five step (jasonrusseleatyourheartout) method guaranteed to garner you international stardom and acclaim; we’re talking Oscar, Pulitzer and Nobel Peace Prize all rolled into one neat little package. By following this yellow brick road of wisdom, you’ll achieve the recognition you truly deserve (without the hassle of dedicating the entire lifetime it would have taken otherwise).

21

APPLICATION FOR A POSTAL VOTE I, (Please complete the following details)

(Surname)

20

(Christian or Given Names)

Contact No: (H)

13

Pur s 636 uant t oR UW eg A Ele cto Stude ulatio ral R n n egu t Guild l a tion …. s

Student No: (M)

Email: Please send to me Ballot Papers to enable me to vote in this Election, my postal address is:

Postcode PLEASE TICK APPROPRIATE BOX (I note that Polling will take place on the UWA Campus from 23 Sept 13—26 Sept 13) (i)

An external or part-time student;

(ii)

Disabled or incapacitated;

(iii)

Undergoing study vacation/exams;

(iv)

Not within 8 kms of the campus polling place throughout the hours of polling;

(v)

ill, infirm or approaching maternity;

(vi)

Caring for a person who is ill, infirm or approaching maternity;

(vii)

Precluded from attending a polling place throughout the hours of polling or throughout the greater part of those hours because of membership of a religious order or religious beliefs;

(viii)

Serving a sentence of imprisonment for an offence or otherwise being in lawful custody or detention;

(ix)

Travelling under conditions that will preclude attendance at the polling place;

(x)

Required or on call for emergency duty or employment.

Signature of Applicant:

IN PERSON: The Returning Officer 1ST Floor, Guild Administration Guild Village UWA Student Guild

Signature of Witness:

Date:

BY MAIL: The Returning Officer, 1st Floor, Guild Administration UWA Student Guild – M300 University of Western Australia Crawley WA 6009

BY FAX: The Returning Officer UWA Guild Elections 6488 1041

ALL ENQUIRIES TO:

M: 0408 900 147 H: 9384 3846 E: dda1@iinet.net.au

The Returning Officer Mr Ron Camp

DEADLINE FOR POSTAL VOTES Thursday 26 September 2013, 4pm

Application for Postal Vote

BY EMAIL: The Returning Officer UWA Guild Elections Ron Camp (dda1@iinet.net.au) Please Note: The application form must be scanned and forwarded with your email

BEWARE FALSE PROPHETS: The Hidden Story of Malcolm Turnbull

by Philip Sharpe

In 1987, Turnbull entered a lower circle of hell by becoming an investment banker, founding Whitlam Turnbull & Co (later Turnbull & Partners) Ltd with Neville Wran (former NSW Premier) and Nicholas Whitlam (Prime Minister Gough Whitlam’s son). The firm was successful, and in 1997 was sold to Goldman Sachs. At this point, Turnbull became Chair and Managing Director of Goldman Sachs Australia, and a partner in Goldman Sachs internationally.

This lasted until 2001, where the slime from Goldman Sachs begins to rub off on him. In March 2001, the Australian insurance company HIH collapsed, in the biggest corporate failure of Australian history. The liquidator of HIH, Tony McGrath, filed an action in 2004 of 300 million dollars against Mr Turnbull and Goldman Sachs, after the HIH royal commission showed that they had manipulated accounts of their insurance firm FAI during its sale to HIH by turning FAI’s 50 million dollar loss into a fictional 8.4 million dollar profit. The action alleged Mr Turnbull’s role was to have concealed from the FAI board of directors, with the chief executive, Mr Adler, the fact that Goldman Sachs Australia spent the first seven months of 1998 working with Mr Adler on a plan to buy out

Because it’s profitable.

the other shareholders of FAI. This court case remained an albatross around his neck, until it was swept under the rug in 2009 with Goldman Sachs making a “confidential settlement on his behalf”. In the midst of this, Malcolm made an abrupt change in career, this time into politics by taking the blue ribbon Liberal seat

for Wentworth in 2004 in what proved an easy entry into Parliament.

At this point we come back to his support of the emissions trading scheme.

In 2006 Turnbull became the Environment Minister, before finally completing his meteoric rise by becoming Leader of the Opposition in 2008. This proved relatively stable, up until November 2009 with the introduction of Prime Minister Rudd’s Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. Despite vast dissent within the Liberal party, Turnbull instructed the Liberals to support the effort. This dissent culminated in December 1 with a spill motion in which Tony Abbott assumed leadership. Quitting politics, Malcolm returned only a month later after savaging Kevin Rudd over shelving the trading scheme, stating: “I think Kevin Rudd’s shelving of the ETS ... is the most extraordinary act of political gutlessness, of political cowardice, any of us could ever imagine.”

Why this focus on carbon trading legislation? An investigation into the origin of the scheme is enlightening. The CPRS originated from the 2008 Garnaut Climate Change Review. Ross Garnaut is the former Chairman of Bankwest, whom with 6 other bankers, including the current director of Goldman Sachs, Greg Watts, recommended that Australia create a carbon trading market, and take out Commonwealth backed private loans for the businesses that fail to survive the scheme. Why do banks have such a vast interest in the environment? Well, because it’s profitable. In 2011 the World Bank valued carbon trading as a $176 billion industry.

Goldman Sachs themselves bought out the entire carbon emissions trading operation of Constellation Energy, which after deregulation of energy markets made them 800 million dollars. The scheme would serve to make the banking industry a lot of money, even by their standards, and Goldman Sachs has their former Australian director on the task of bringing it

about. No doubt in the economic doldrums to come, Malcolm Turnbull will be bantered about as an economic angel waiting in the wings, ready to hover down and fix our financial woes. This is becoming commonplace internationally; in Italy during their debt crisis, the technocrat and Goldman Sachs International Advisor Mario Monti rose to the Prime Ministership despite never having held a political position or being involved in an election. In Greece, Lucas Papademos helped Goldman Sachs hide billions of dollars of Greek debt and was later installed as Prime Minister without democratic vote in the 2011 turmoil. Maybe Mr Turnbull will return to the Liberal leadership one day. If they are following the script however, they should make sure his coup d’état happens after any election.

In February 2007, Turnbull was criticised for claiming a government allowance of $175 a night which he paid to his wife as rent while living in a townhouse owned by her in Canberra.

Picture by Natalie Thompson

Newspapers have been alight with rumours over a possible push by Malcolm Turnbull to take over Liberal leadership before the election.

This is nothing new; the former Opposition Leader had been positioning himself since last year, after openly criticising Tony Abbott on his focus on criticising the Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme and border protection. This desire for the CPRS warrants investigation, as it clashes heavily with Liberal orthodoxy, and an investigation into his past reveals possible sources of his interest in legislating the policy.

23

THE LAST EMPEROR OF AFRICA

by Wade McCagh This has been a bad decade so far for African dictators. Steadfast bastions of corrupt autocracy like Muammar Gaddafi, Hosni Mubarak, Zine Ben Ali, and François Bozizé have all been removed from power, while last year Charles Taylor became the first former head of state since WWII to be convicted of war crimes. Between them, these five men held power through violent and repressive methods for a combined 110 years and yet, the first four have all fallen in the last two years through mass protest, revolution and military coups. It would be easy to assume that the time of the strongman tyrant in Africa is finally drawing to a close. In a rapidly globalizing and digital world, it has become increasingly difficult to block news of atrocities carried out by government forces reaching citizens and the outside world, hide evidence of coercion and violence against political opponents, or prevent people from spreading information and organizing themselves through the Internet and social media.

Unfortunately, such optimistic sentiments are quickly dashed when we turn our attention to the recent presidential elections in Zimbabwe.

With the removal of Gaddafi, Robert Mugabe moves up into third longest serving African leader at 33 years, and unlike the cartoonish excesses and delusions of the former Libyan leader, he demonstrates that those still standing have learned to evolve in order to survive in the 21st century.

Mugabe is perhaps the one leader who has managed to perfect the art of sham-democracy and repressive government without falling into the full-blown isolation that usually comes with the territory. Even veteran experts like Vladimir Putin in Russia or Hun Sen in Cambodia have recently struggled to maintain the appearance of legitimate and peacefully accepted rule domestically while preventing the international community from ranking their governments in the same league of unacceptable tyranny as North Korea or Iran (with the requisite heavy sanctions and isolation tactics that follow).

The elections on the 31st July were the third contest between Mugabe’s ZANU-PF party and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai of the Movement for Democratic Change (MDC). The two squared off in the 2008 elections, where Tsvangirai won 47.9% of the vote to Mugabe’s 43.2% in the first round. However, these results were not released more than a month after the initial poll, a move that was widely condemned internationally. As no candidate had received

24

an outright majority, a run-off was required, which Mugabe announced he would run in.

Despite still holding a position that the MDC had won, Tsvangirai also decided to contest the run-off. In the lead up to the run-off, political violence exploded in the country, which was widely perceived to be instigated by ZANU-PF supporters. One week before the run-off ballot Tsvangirai announced his withdrawal, describing it as a “violent sham”. The run-off went ahead with Mugabe as the only active candidate, winning an overwhelming 85.5% of the vote.

Boost the stats.

Fast-forward to the 2013 elections, and it’s clear that Mugabe and ZANU-PF have learned from their past mistakes. In a post-election analysis, BBC News looked at the methods employed by ZANU-PF including;

- Making voter registration in urban areas (where the MDC has greater support) increasingly lengthy and difficult, while streamlining the process in the rural ZANU-PF heartlands.

other methods to deliver him a plausible victory outcome of 61%, whilst receiving the placid or partial approval of most electoral officers and monitoring bodies. No one tactic was done to blatant excess, and nothing that was obviously illegal was done that could be filmed to avoid any smoking gun, nor did Mugabe vainly attempt to boost the stats to an implausible result to arouse suspicions. He simply ensured all the elements were favourable to ZANU-PF, and pushed all the factors to but not over the limits of plausibility.

It’s easy to see these clearly deranged and corrupt dictators fall and feel that the time for such audacious despotism is over in the modern world. But just like when an economy falls into tough times, the weak and unstable governments fall while the savvy and adaptable governments survive. If we are to end all forms of corruption and autocracy in our world, we cannot abide Mugabe and ZANU-PF’s clever but grossly unfair electoral practices. Mugabe may have learned that being too blatant is a dangerous thing for his survival, but he has also clearly learned that as long as you keep your coercion quiet and calm, the West will tolerate your discreet indiscretions. It is clear that in Zimbabwe at the present time, autocracy is looking strong.

-The withholding of the electoral roll till 48 hours before the election, when it was released only in physical copies. It was later proven to have 838,000 duplicate voters, including 109,000 over the age of 100 and a 135 year old army officer.

-A sharp increase in ‘assisted voting’, intended to help the infirm and illiterate to vote, in nearly 50% of rural voting stations as opposed to 5% in urban areas. (Zimbabwe is, according to the UN, the most literate country in Africa with a rate of 90%)

- The printing of 8.7 million ballot papers, 35% more than number of registered voters.

- The control of state-media outlets and an appreciable support of those outlets towards ZANU-PF and Mugabe, with large coverage of ZANU-PF political rallies compared to no coverage of the MDC. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, Mugabe has effectively used these and

Mugabe earnt three of his seven university degrees while in prison, having been detained under the white minority rule of Ian Smith, his predecessor in what was then called Rhodesia. Smith is alleged to have once said that there would be no black rule in the nation for a millennium.

FUCK OFF, WE’RE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR SAFETY

by Jackson Shepard When did “fuck off, we’re full” become “fuck off, we’re concerned about your safety”?

If our major political parties were engaged in a real game of limbo to match the figurative one employed over the asylum seeker debate, they’d have by now gone far beyond the physical capabilities of the body to bend over backwards, such is the level of debate we’ve allowed ourselves to be reduced to. However, what’s most disappointing about the latest lowering of the bar by Kevin Rudd is not so much the actual consequences of the policy – repugnant as denying all those who seek asylum on our shores by boat is – but rather the apparent doublethink surrounding the discourse that has brought us to this point.

Make no mistake about the fact that the core mindset underpinning our immigration debate and policies is a racist one. We’re talking about Western Sydney. We’re talking about Cronulla rioters. We’re talking about poor and uneducated swing voters. These groups were who our leaders were appeasing in 2001 when the Tampa Affair served to define public attitudes on “boat people” for at least the last twelve years; when you take into account the Children Overboard scandal into account too, it’s not all that surprising that we’ve ended up here. After all, racists don’t like the threat of “towel heads” invading their country. These people are uneducated and wrong, but we’re all

used to them thinking this way, exasperating as it may be. We may be beyond disappointment with these people, but we should expect better of our politicians.

What does disappoint and shock many is the doublethink going on in the minds of the more intelligent, more engaged members of our community. We’re at a stage where policies designed entirely to appeal to the racist notso-under undertones of our country are being lauded as saving lives by preventing dangerous boat journeys, and politicians aren’t just saying this because they have to. Instead, we’re at a far more dire stage where they seem to genuinely believe it.

Somewhere along the line, it became apparent that it just wouldn’t fly in the media and wider community to admit the inhumane treatment of refugees is racist. Sure, the target audience in Western Sydney lap it up all the same, but it had to be tweaked slightly for situations when some young hipster asks a question about in on Q&A. So in response to this demand, some bright policy hack evidently had the idea to pretend it was for these people’s own good; that instead of turning away legitimate refugees to appease a racist fringe, we’re saving lives by preventing another Christmas Island tragedy.

Never mind the fact that these people are fleeing persecution. Never mind the studies showing virtually nothing will stop people who want to

come to Australia travelling by boat. Never mind the poverty, danger and helplessness of waiting around in Malaysia. No, it’s about helping those people by keeping them in their desperate and often hopeless situations so they don’t risk their lives on the ocean. No one likes that these people have to take these journeys, but the fact that nothing can seem to prevent them seeking a better life away from persecution seems to demonstrate just how dire the situation they are fleeing is.

Yet, the government approach is just spin, designed to excuse the racist policies that appeal to the core target audience. That’s all it is.

Some young hipster.

Sometimes you might sit back and wonder at which point will Scott Morrison stop and think that an idea might be too radical.

Operation “Sovereign Borders” suggests that we can’t expect anything humane from the Liberal Party in the foreseeable future, and that they really will go to any length to lead the race to the bottom in this policy area.

However, they’re not alone. Whilst not as callous as the Scott Morrisons of the world, it is concerning to see that significant portions of the Labor Party now also support, and believe, this false idea that you can justify your policies with the throwaway line that you’re actually saving people’s lives. Despite this being a party of progressive politics which has led the way on many issues, they have now thoroughly turned their back on many of the social values they claim to uphold elsewhere. Such is the dismal nature of this situation.

Doublespeak, where you can simultaneously talk about “stopping the boats” while claiming that the welfare of those “peaceful invaders” is central your heart is now a routine part of our political discourse. Having heard and repeated the lie so many times, many from all circles of society have faked themselves into believing it. All the while, the suffering overseas increases without end, and the boats, borne on desperation and hope, continue to come to the country with boundless plains to share.

Since 2009, the most common country of origin for people entering Australia with the intention of settling has been New Zealand and they want your jobs

25

THE LAND THAT POLICY-MAKERS FORGOT

by Richard Ferguson There are a host of extremely important issues that have been ignored completely by our national leaders. Here’s are some of the policy issues that didn’t get enough attention this election.

FOREIGN POLICY •

Australia’s involvement in the War in Afghanistan.

- The withdrawal deadline of 2014 means that both leaders are playing the “case closed” card on the war but considering Afghanistan’s political instability, both may want to rethink their strategies.

• The selling of Australian uranium to India.

- Should Australia be providing a nuclear India with the necessary resources to blow us all up? Probably not, but economic greed looks like it’ll win out again this election, as usual.

• Spectre of the USA’s digital surveillance programmes in Australia.

- The NSA may be listening to your calls, but don’t expect Labor or the Coalition to call foul. Anything the Americans are doing, ASIO is up to as well.

Unemployment only seems to matter when the demographic are expected to enrol in large numbers.

• Infrastructure in states other than New South Wales, Victoria or Queensland - Every highway, airport and teleportation hub called for at this election in one of the so-called marginal states.

Infrastructure needs in places like WA and South

Australia are taken for granted by major parties who know what way the state will swing.

• Welfare payments for single mothers.

- Welfare cuts to single mothers in this year’s Federal Budget have largely gone under the radar. Working families seem only to mean “families with two voting-age adults” in this federal election.

• Poker machine reform.

-After the casinos and RSLs threatened to release all hell against the Gillard Government, nobody has touched the issue of poker machine reform. A powerful lobby can still make or break policy.

• Workplace discrimination against LGBTQ Australians.

- Marriage equality is the sexy issue of the day, so both parties don’t see the need to talk about that “other gay issue”, no matter how many LGBT Australians live in fear that the Catholic Church will kick them out of their job.

• The Royal Commission into Child Sex Abuse.

- Back on the Catholic Church, Abbott and Rudd have said very little on the Royal Commission. Upsetting faith-based institutions and bringing up nasty topics that turn voters’ stomachs remain no-go territory in a federal election campaign.

ECONOMIC POLICY • Rapid rise in youth unemployment.

-Youth unemployment is a huge problem in this country but all it seems to provoke are trumped up “boot camp” thoughtbubbles by the two major party leaders.

26

Picture by Ayeesha Frederickson

SOCIAL POLICY

The Natural Law Party contested elections in Australia between 1990 and 1997. They argued for the application of meditation and the laws of nature to all levels of government, defining natural law as “the organizing intelligence which governs the natural universe”. In the UK, they argued for the use of yogic flying practice to reduce crime and war deaths. They supported free university education though, so that’s something.

STAR WARS: SPACE MUSICAL?

by Kenneth Woo Walk through any Cineplex, and usually the first thing you’ll see are the movie posters plastered all over the place. They fulfill a very basic purpose of showing what the movie will probably be about as well as the actors that’ll be in it. Now, there are great movie posters (Saul Bass’ design for Hitchcock’s Vertigo, for one) and very bad posters (Chuck Norris’ Top Dog – nuff said), but if you’ve ever wondered about how to become someone who designs them, you’d say you’d have to at least have some semblance of design ability and most importantly a passing familiarity about the movie you’re supposed to be promoting. Of course, the latter rule seems to be quite non-existent in several foreign nations. Some designers have completely disregarded the second rule, leaving a poster that bears absolutely no resemblance to any part of the movie they are suppose to be advertising in the first place.

in human history (image A). From the first look, one can see who are main characters and probably guess that it has something to do with the mysterious masked person and the moon shaped thing in the background, which really is Star Wars in a nutshell right there!

However, a simple Google search suggests that poster designers from other nations never actually saw Star Wars before making the posters.

Exhibit A This image terrifies me for some reason.

It’s from Russia, and no matter how much I look at it, I can’t help but wonder who the hell the stone face person is. I mean, it might be Jabba the Hutt, but among the many questions that arise in my head I can only guess that maybe that’s how the Russians imagine Darth Vader to look under his mask?

Maybe the movie poster was warning against the dangers of disco music (or the Death Star, I think its more of the disco music). There’s almost no mention of the core characters or plot devices: just a stoned lizard man and a disco ball.

Exhibit B

Image A I decided to concentrate on a seminal piece of movie magic, Star Wars. The original trilogy has some of the most iconic posters

when this beautiful thing loaded on my screen. After the initial shock, I started to examine the image closer, looking at it and trying to understand what it was trying to convey about Star Wars. I think its pretty obvious. Darth Vader is actually a black panther with lightsabers shooting out of his head, in a galaxy populated by abstract creatures. So, what is Star Wars essentially? A space opera of the musical Cats.

Exhibit C What the? I don’t…I don’t even know what this is anymore. I get the whole space cowboy thing (Is it about Han Solo?) but is he made out of appliances from America?

I don’t even know what to say anymore.

What I’m getting at here is how much movie posters matter to the customers who are deciding what to watch. As much as poster designers want to approach their work with the dedication of a starved squirrel, posters do play a part in our decision making process to watch which movie. And when you have people who decide to present us posters that aren’t exactly real but more…err… fake? Liar? Gee. I don’t even know what to say. But when we’re presented with posters that don’t even closely resemble the movie in question, it might just get our curiosity going even more. And considering how predictable most films are these days, isn’t a surprise worth it?

“WHAT THE WHAT!?”

That was my exact reaction

27

FILM REVIEWS Behind The Candelabra

Now You See Me

Director: Steven Soderbergh Starring: Michael Douglas, Matt Damon, Rob Lowe

Directed by: Louis Leterrier Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher

Steven Soderbergh is apparently retiring from film making, or taking a hiatus, or something. It’s all a bit up in the air for the moment. But if he is bowing out, it’s certainly a loss of one of the most prolific and versatile directors in living memory. He’s just as comfortable making indie darlings (Roger Ebert dubbed him the “poster boy of the Sundance generation”) as he is directing the Ocean’s trilogy.

If Candelabra is his final film offering, then it’s a very solid swan song that will unfortunately be denied feature film status. Produced by HBO after studios deemed the project “too gay”, Soderbergh has been very public in his criticism of the difficulties of getting this film made, and HBO deserves credit for supporting this film and not letting it slip into obscurity and the festival circut. Michael Douglas, in a triumphant return from throat cancer, is incredible as Liberace, capturing all the emotion and contradictions of the larger than life performer. Matt Damon produces a wonderful counterbalance as Liberace’s long-time lover Scott Thorson, and together they create an entertainingly dark depiction of loneliness, celebrity and human frailty. Add unrecognizable supporting performances from Dan Aykroyd and a scene stealing Rob Lowe and this is a highly enjoyable movie. If it is too gay, then in the words of Liberace himself, “Too much of a good thing is wonderful.”

Josh Chiat

Wade Mccagh

Frances Ha

The Bling Ring

Director: Noah Baumbach Starring: Greta Gerwig, Mickey Sumner, Adam Driver

Director: Sofia Coppola Starring: Israel Broussard, Katie Chang, Emma Watson

This film epitomises one unceasing wonder of American cinema: that it continues to produce entertaining and provocative cinema entirely based on the lives of privileged, unexceptional New Yorkers. The film centres upon the friendship and mundane lives of two Brooklyn girls, Frances and Sophie, indie darlings and ex-college buddies, and their blossoming sis-mance.

Boyfriends and engagements are only insignificant side acts. Never quite ground-breaking, it is a pair of roles that we have seen many times before.

Its clever realist humour is rooted in the American mumblecore movement, the same movement which spawned HBO’s Girls. Frances Ha, however, departs from Girls by maintaining a distinct absence of angst. While Frances’ unsatisfying life collapses around her she continues to waltz optimistically in black and white through a Woody Allen-esque New York cityscape, thankfully absenting herself from any potential pity-party.

The film suffers a distinctly white, unquestionably wealthy undercurrent of privilege; however it is not entirely unacknowledged. At one point a friend memorably chides Frances “you’re not poor; it’s offensive to actual poor people”. These throwaway lines are emblematic of the entire film, which seems to constantly teeter on the brink of overly-literate self-indulgence yet largely arrives instead at an entertaining, hopeful self-awareness. It’s unlikely to teach you new ways of understanding yourself, and you’ve almost certainly seen these drifting New York literati before, but to be honest you probably won’t mind. Frances Ha is never quite groundbreaking, but you can almost pretend that it is.

Hamish Hobbs

28

In Now You See Me, Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Isla Fisher & Dave Franco star as ‘The Four Horsemen’, a group of illusionists engaged in a series of heists and cat-and-mouse game with the FBI in this unengaging revenge flick. Following Ruffalo’s FBI agent makes for poor direction on an already uninteresting premise as watching him think that he’s ahead when whoa, he’s actually a step behind gets tiring from the start. The usually charming cast is unable to breathe life into these flimsy sketches of characters, and poorly executed twist after poorly executed twist is followed by way too many constantly moving cameras and laughably imposing close-ups of Morgan Freeman.

Exuding self-importance, it suffers from wanting to be taken as complicated. At least Inception managed to be entertaining; this on the other hand has you eagerly awaiting the end, i.e. the predictable but unconvincing romance resolution and the strange sequence where Eisenberg and co. are accepted into the Illuminati on a merrygo-round. If by some chance you were able to invest yourself in the film, prepare to have that tossed aside with the sloppy deus ex machina it ends on.

Based on a true story, The Bling Ring is a docudrama centred around a group of teenagers living in L.A. Driven by a desire for fame (and, failing that, to be close to fame), they conduct a series of break-ins at the houses of a number of different celebrities, notably Paris Hilton (whose actual house was used in the filming of the movie). The teens brag to friends and show off the loot on social media.

The Bling Ring introduces the audience to a lifestyle that is, for most, altogether foreign. We are confronted by the main characters’ blatant disregard for morality throughout the film, but voiceovers – based on real interview content – give occasionally humorous insight into the characters’ motives and relationships. Rather than condemning the actions of the protagonists, The Bling Ring simply presents a picture of the consumerist society that has allowed them to become so blasé about their ethics, implicating the audience for being a part of this society.

Although montage is used to good effect to carry the plot forward, there were times where it felt repetitive. The cast’s performances are excellent, particularly Israel Broussard (Marc) and Katie Chang (Rebecca) as the main protagonists. This well constructed and well executed film is definitely worth watching – though Facebook addicts might find it uncomfortable.

Lara Bromfield

a philandering accountant, who is later left by said accountant for the beautiful (if ridiculous) romance novelist Mary Fisher (Meryl Streep). Ruth begins a ruthless Machiavellian campaign against her exhusband and comic hilarity ensues. At the heart of this particular feminist fairy-tale is a belief that the fakery women participate in to find love holds them back, not allowing them to truly realise their true and natural potential.

BE KIND RE-WIND: She-Devil (1989) Director: Susan Seidelman Starring: Roseanne Barr, Meryl Streep, Linda Hunt Many a cinematic venture has traded in the business of lies, fallacies and trickery, but few films truly grasp why we human beings turn to fakery at all opportunities.

She-Devil, directed by Susan Seidelman and based on the 1983 novel by Fay Waldon, encapsulates perfectly how we all create illusions in the hope that someone will love us. The plot revolves around Ruth Crappett (Roseanne Barr), the frumpy housewife of

The performances in She-Devil are clearly the jewels in this film’s crown, showcasing a strong female cast that would be seen as a novelty in today’s US comedy landscape.

Roseanne Barr, who was on the cusp of stardom with her now-legendary sitcom Roseanne, brings a great sense of mischief to her feminist arch-angel; taking other dowdy wives under her wing and watching her ex crumble with a trademark smirk.

However, Meryl Streep steals the show as the shallow, flamboyant Mary Fisher. She-Devil is sadly considered “Meryl Streep’s other 80s comedy” next to Death Becomes Her but in every scene, her every facial expression is so grandiose and her voice writhing with madness. It is an unbelievably camp and hammy performance, but this is clearly a

arrives, expecting him to exact revenge on those responsible. However, as Julian himself notes, “It’s a little more complicated than that”; he has to face the righteous (and totally badass) cop Chang, the film’s surprise package played wonderfully by local actor Vithaya Pansringarm.

Only God Forgives Director: Nicolas Winding Refn Starring: Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas, Vithaya Pansringarm Only God Forgives marks the reunion of the director-actor-composer team (Winding RefnGosling- Martinez) that brought us the stylish action-thriller Drive in 2011, and this film continues very much in the same vein. Ryan Gosling plays Julian, an American expat in Thailand, who makes ends meet by running a kickboxing club, and secretly using the business to smuggle drugs into the country. When his brother is killed under sinister circumstances, Julian’s mother Crystal (Kristin Scott Thomas)

Drive wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and the same could be said of this film. It’s high on aesthetics and violence, low on dialogue and character. However, while Drive was merely a stylish and violent movie, Only God Forgives is a stylish and violent film. You get the sense that while the former was more of a conventional Hollywood thriller, OGF is darker, stranger, and more personal.

For one, it’s beautifully shot. Director Nicolas Winding Refn and cinematographer Larry Smith display Kubrickian levels of control in their use of long tracking shots, which isn’t surprising considering that the latter actually worked on the set of Eyes Wide Shut.

Cliff Martinez’s soundtrack is just so fucking cool, as well. The overall tone of the film is incredibly tense, and that’s largely down to the cinematography and music.

woman so glad to not be playing a miserable foreigner and it’s delightful. Also, watch out for a lovely supporting role by Linda Hunt as a repressed retirement home nurse who blooms under Ruth’s wing.

It’s fair to say there is a lot wrong with this very camp film. Roseanne Barr’s compulsory 80s comedy narrative grates at points, and the use of blue-screen when Ruth walks away from the house she has just blown up is one of the most jarring special effects I have ever seen. However, some scenes are perfect, such as the introduction set in a department store which depicts women desperately trying to fake their appearances out of fear of being unloved. This is a fairly dark comedy, but it’s an apt representation of that small flurry of late 80s female-centric comedy where female characters were enabled to discard their illusions and embrace their possibilities. As such, She-Devil is a classic comedy and an essential piece of feminist cinema that truly stands the test of time.

Richard Ferguson

Scott Thomas is terrifying as Julian’s mum, and the film is loaded with oedipal subtext. The Goz himself has barely any lines, but provides a menacing presence throughout. He definitely improves on his own performance in Drive, where he was silent for no apparent reason.

Here, it’s apparent that his mum has pulled a serious number on him. But the real star is Pansringarm’s Chang. The proselytizing manner in which he kicks ass and takes names evokes comparison with Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

Only God Forgives isn’t for everyone, though.

There are several bizarre and haunting dream sequences, which you can’t distinguish from reality because everything seems to have been shot under a red filter. There are also three (count them) karaoke scenes. Plus, it’s extremely violent and psychologically upsetting. Seriously, it makes Tarantino look childish in comparison. But none of it ever feels gratuitous, though you will squirm in your seat at times.

Matt Green

29

MUMBLECORE

by Matt Green As I’ve entered my early 20s and slowly approached the end of my humanities degree (fuck!), I’ve come to notice a few things, and ask myself typically uncomfortable questions.

Neither I nor most of the people I know are, like ... interested in anything in particular. I mean, I like what I like. I love me a good book, and I’m always on the lookout for the next film or TV series to sink my teeth into, but I have broader interests rather than anything specific or concrete. It’s somewhat endemic of Gen Y: we want to like everything. It’s maybe even a little schizophrenic. But I do have to ask myself a few things, like: what the fuck am I going to do with my life? Am I sincere enough? Where am I going with this?

These daunting questions bring me to mumblecore. Segue! Mumblecore is a genre of American indie movies produced in the last decade or so, including features from the likes of Andrew Bujalski, Lynn Shelton, the Duplass Brothers, and Joe Swanberg. Indie darling Greta Gerwig stars in like, pretty much all of these films. You could arguably include more prominent independent film-makers like Noah Baumbach (The Squid and the Whale, Greenberg) or Mike Mills (Beginners) in the category, but for the most part, mumblecore’s producers are almost totally unknown. By the way, I know what you’re thinking: who? That’s kind of the point. Mumblecore takes a leaf from the Dogme 95 films out of Denmark: low budget, minimal production value, unknown actors, and naturalistic (and often improvised) dialog. The films generally follow the lives of directionless 20-somethings, who are totally unsure of who and what they want in life.

They’re awkward, and they mumble. A lot.

Hence, mumblecore. Characters struggle to find meaning in their post-uni lives, and drift in and out of unsatisfying relationships and menial jobs (See my life in 5 years).

Titles include Funny Ha Ha, Hannah Takes the Stairs, and Baghead. None of these early m-core films were ever going to win any technical achievement or screenwriting awards, but they possess an authentic charm that only indie movies can, and are eminently quotable. Examples include: • On shopping for veggies: “I’m basically eggplant-retarded.”

• Self-explanatory: “I am especially bad at break-ups.”

• Comparing sexual prowess via sports analogy: “You’re like Michael Jordan! I’m Bill Lambieer! I’ve got no game!”

30

These films consciously place emphasis on the uncertainty and anxiety plaguing middle-class young adults. They’re big on sincerity and intimacy, low on pyrotechnics and melodrama. Limited sound editing and rudimentary cinematography (in the early ones, at least) give the films an almost documentary-style authenticity; they feel real, and don’t try to manipulate you. They’re wholly unpretentious. Many of the directors film exclusively on digital format to keep costs down, and although not ideal, it’s totally understandable. Think the exact opposite of Christopher Nolan or Michael Bay, and you have mumblecore movies.

Tacit ‘fuck-you’ That being said, mumblecore has started to go mainstream in the last 3-4 years. I mentioned Noah Baumbach earlier. He’s maybe the current god of American indie movies, and his films have included the likes of Ben Stiller, Jesse Eisenberg, and Rhys Ifans.

His latest film, Frances Ha, starring Gerwig (her again), adopts a style closely fitting that of mumblecore. It’s shot in black-and-white, and follows the titular Frances as she mills around struggling to make it as a dancer. It made almost $4million in the States, which, while far from massive, is impressive for a low budget indie. Original mumblecore alumni have got in on the act, too. In 2011, Lynn Shelton released Your Sister’s Sister, starring genre regular Mark Duplass, but also including the recognizable Hollywood faces of Emily Blunt and Rosemarie DeWitt in what has to be the most awkward lovetriangle movie ever made. Again, the film didn’t make that much money, but it was seen by a considerably larger audience than traditional m-cores. Another example would be Daryl Wein’s Lola Versus (2012), starring (you fucking guessed it) Greta Gerwig. Also check out Sofia Coppola’s Somewhere, and if you hate yourself, Zach Braff’s insufferable Garden State. If bullshit quasi-meaningful quotes are your thing, Braff is your man.

principles to reach a wider audience, or in other words, sold out? Has what started out as a tacit ‘fuck-you’ to blockbuster filmmaking compromised itself in a shot at glory? Or does this reflect that they’re simply getting better and better at their craft, and should be congratulated on their relative success? Does this argument even matter, when this year’s highest grossing film, the soulless Iron Man 3, raked in over $400 million in the US, and over $1 billion worldwide? To ask the architects of mumblecore to equate themselves to Hollywood would be like asking an ant to contemplate its place within the universe.

It’s so small it might as well not exist (from Hollywood’s perspective, anyway).

Anyway, watching these films for this article, I picked up a few additional thoughts:

1) I now see Greta Gerwig everywhere I go. Seriously, she’s ubiquitous.

2) I feel slightly more secure about my own tendency to mumble incoherently.

3) I reckon I could totally write, produce, and direct a charming indie flick about love, loss, and vegetable shopping.

There are noticeable differences in quality between the newer mumblecore films and the ‘classics’, the most apparent being a general sense of professionalism. Is this because the filmmakers have abandoned their DIY

A problem with mumblecore is that it can date; Joe Swanberg’s 2011 movie Uncle Kent is filled with ChatRoulette scenes. Remember that?

MASTER CRAFTSMEN: ART FORGERY

by Simon Donnes

Art forgery is the daring, roguish scourge that haunts the halls of galleries and private collections alike. There’s a certain charm to the forger using his own mastery of a medium to perfectly recreate another’s work. The more legitimate (if you will) of these craftsmen push them at heavily discounted rates out into the markets of the world, advertising them as masterful but mere recreations – eking out such a living on the fringe of the art world is too hard for most.

It was not always so transparent.

Traditionally, forgers were master artisans in their own right, and either looking for a source of income or a challenge (usually both) would set about their painstakingly exact task in secret. By day they would study the painting wherever it resided, and by night they would recreate line by line, colour by colour, the painting from memory. Just replicating an existing painting is no good on its own right, however – all known surviving paintings are already accounted for (that’s why they’re known to be surviving and are accounted for) so the forger must set about painting a new work in the same style as their subject in such convincing a manner that it can pass as the real thing.

The most famous of historical art forgers was a Dutchman by the name of Han van Meergan. Born in 1889, he was inspired by the masterpieces from the era commonly referred to as the Dutch Golden Age and set out to become an artist himself. Critics shot down his early work as “tired, contrived wastes” and with it, his dreams. Bitter and angsty, like many failed artists, van Meergan set out to copy stroke for stroke his beloved Golden Age masters; Frans Hals, Pieter de Hooch, Gerard ter Borch and Johannes Vermeer. Due to them being the rockstars of their time (and the 300 years that had passed), few of the

works of the Grand Masters had survived, so van Meergan had plenty of space to get creative with their pasts.

It is not enough to paint in the same style.

The forger must also replicate as closely as possible the condition of the painting itself. Van Meergan spent six years devising the physical process, buying authentic 17th century canvasses, making his own colours from raw ingredients such as lapis lazuli and white lead according to contemporary recipes, and devising a process of aging the painting using various chemicals and heat.

The only reason anyone ever discovered about van Meergan’s exploits was (as tends to be the case) because of the damn Nazis. Authorities traced him to trading an “authentic” Vermeer, The Woman Taken in Adultery for 200 other original Dutch paintings with none other than Herman Goering. Placed on trial at The Hague for collaborating with the enemy, van Meergan confessed he was in fact a national hero for saving 200 paintings for the price of one of his masterful fakes. The world knew his secret, but instead of the death penalty, van Meergan was given a one year sentence. He died of a heart attack at 58 before he could be incarcerated.

Despite the immense skill which a successful forger must present, they’re considered somewhat of a bogeyman in the art world. The most oft recalled point about van Meergan is that his fakes were sold for a total of 30 million dollars. It highlights a certain amusing conundrum; the quality of the craftsmanship remains very high.

Much like how the concept of hip-hop “remix culture” was

rejected by the establishment as copyright infringement unless royalties were paid, the art world works off a first come, first serve basis when the question of idea “ownership” arises. The medium which is all about the paint on the canvas turns out to be little about the image itself.

With the advent of high powered microscopes and advanced geo-chonos dating techniques, the heyday of art forgery is all but over. As with all crime, the best in class are always one step ahead of the game, but the task now requires almost equal parts artistic skill and chemical, physical and biological know-how to dupe sensors. These guys aren’t using photoshop and pressing vector shade, they’re spending hundreds of thousands hours painstakingly creating works in the style of the greats before them, to such a level that they cannot be told apart. So, next time you’re heading off to an art gallery, remember, that the best forgeries are still out there, undiscovered.

Picture by Natalie Thompson

Art has a tenuous relationship with money.

The question of pricing masterpieces and children’s scrawl alike has toppled empires, made fortunes and spurred disdain from taxpayers, but the question is always answered in the same way: jack the price up. Yet, despite the often huge costs, people buy art. A lot of it – $7 billion US changes hands for paintings, sculptures and the like in Europe alone. People buy up because art’s cultured, it’s thought provoking and most importantly, it’s one of a kind. Usually.

31

STREET ART IN PERTH – AS REAL AS IT GETS?

by Kat Gillespie

Once considered the lowbrow copout of the art world, street art has taken a place alongside op shopping, tattoos and distressed denim jackets as something once dismissed as threateningly dirty and now embraced as pleasingly gritty. Think Arcade Fire announcing their new album through an international graffiti campaign, middle aged women buying coffee table books about Banksy as birthday presents for teenage children, dank laneway bars with neon murals leering at you from every angle. Street art has become gentrified – but this is not as bad a thing as it sounds.

Of course, nowhere does gentrification quite like Perth, which has ploddingly followed in Melbourne’s footsteps in developing a small but intensive street art culture over the past decade. Murals in Perth have achieved international recognition, and it is thanks to institutions like the Butcher Shop that aerosol art is more accessible to painters and viewers than ever before. Aimee Johns is the cofounder of the shop, a painting supplies go-to for artists and creatives. A hugely useful resource for aerosol artists, Aimee says the business was founded eight years ago on the premise of giving “local artists a place to buy and sell products, and have access to supplies unavailable anywhere else in the city.” Around the time the shop opened was when “the street art movement in Perth began, running in opposition to more traditional graffiti. It was a different aesthetic to the traditional graffiti of the 70s and 80s…and got a lot more interest from mainstream people.”

Perth’s scene is small, “but very connected and supportive. There is a lot of crossover between traditional graffiti artists and people with less of a graffiti background who are interested in using outdoor spaces and graffiti techniques…we’ve had lots of exhibitions and mural projects where the two worlds have been able to meet.”

The gentrification of street art is a weird and occasionally wonderful thing. City

32

councils, the enemy of your average tagger, are now employing the street artists whose works they once sought to obliterate. The Fremantle City Council removed its automatic graffiti removal policy in 2012 to promote ‘vibrant street art culture.’ This endorsement of street art by Fremantle, Perth’s eccentric bohemian aunt, is perhaps unsurprising.

Yet Freo is not the only council to embrace urban painting. Last year, the Town of Claremont commissioned a large scale aerosol work by local artist Kyle Hughes Odgers. The mural is painted on a brick wall metres away from the train station opposite, where similar works would be likely be considered acts of criminal vandalism by Transperth guards.

Any jaded train line tagger with a concept of irony would probably find all of this a little perplexing.

insight into what the life of a VICE writer must be like.

Graffiti cleanup costs Western Australia more than $25 million a year, so leaving artists be and accepting their works as part of the city landscape is certainly cost effective. Street art, as in Melbourne and Berlin, can also become a city’s selling point. Perth’s local councils, not exactly spoilt for choice when it comes to selling points, no doubt have this in mind. Yet questions arise as to whether this is the kind of art that can be contrived for a civic purpose. Given that they probably honed their skills by tagging train and bus windows, the risky allure of committing criminal damage is surely somewhat integral to the creative process of the street artist. The transiency of impermanent art that will be removed the next day is part of its romance, and a nod of approval from the authorities the artist is trying to rebel against seems as harmful to street art culture as it is helpful. The gentrification of graffiti art certainly

means we can enjoy a brighter and more colourful cityscape, but when the Town of Claremont endorses the spray can it can hardly be considered a subversive force.

Aimee concedes that in 2013, risk taking and breaking the law is not an essential element of street art. “You can be a successful artist working on the street with amazing stuff, having never done anything illegal in your life.” Yet something of the old rebelliousness remains. When I interview him over the phone, Fremantle based stencil artist Reboot declines to tell me his real name.

His Caller ID ominously shows up on my screen as a blocked number, and I get a slight insight into what the life of a Vice writer might be like. The necessity of this secret identity hints that society’s acceptance of the street artist isn’t complete. Reboot says that the anonymity was essential, at least when he started out. “I was doing illegal work. When I started looking for jobs elsewhere, I wanted my professional and artistic lives to be separate.” This isn’t an uncommon attitude – many of Perth’s street artists are in their thirties with kids and professional jobs. This kind of superhero lifestyle (accountant by day, train tagger by night) has a requisite element of mystery. However, many of the more successful older artists will revert to their real names and swap clandestine street painting for commissions and gallery work. Reboot notes that “while at the start rebellion is essential to creativity, at the end of the day graffiti artists get old. They can’t be climbing walls at night anymore – that’s a young man’s game. You have to get smarter and more creative as you get older.”

Reboot says this is less a loss of culture than a changing of culture. Graffiti art has, after all, been around for over 40 years and has evolved accordingly.

Despite his interest in political stencil work and illegal guerrilla art, he views local council endorsement of graffiti and its subsequent appearances in

Vandaltrak is a pattern recognition application to which members of the public can upload pictures of graffiti where it is automatically logged by its location, catalogued by the traits of the tag and provided to police, council and other organisations such as Rotary Clubs and utility companies.

Picture by Kat Gillespie

galleries and café walls as progress in the right direction. “I’m glad that the style of street art has become accepted… it allows people to be part of their environment and their community. Street art allows people to reclaim the space which is shared.”

Young taggers, their counterparts the next generation up, as well as established artists

of all ages with an interest in aerosol painting are enabled to contribute to the milieu.

‘Gentrification’ then might then be a complete misnomer – no one is being displaced by middle class acceptance of street art. As long as there are walls around, its popularity only increases artistic opportunities for all kinds of aerosol artists and fans of their work.

Who painted that laneway?

Recommended local street artists include Yok, Kid Zoom (Ian Strange), Kyle HughesOdgers, Dave Misled, Stormie Mills, and Twenty Eleven. Names to drop on your mid semester break Melbourne trip include Meggs, the Everfresh crew and Rone.

In 2008 a tourism campaign at Florida’s Disney World recreated a Melbourne laneway cityscape, decorated with street art. Victorian Premier John Brumby forced the tourism department to withdraw the display, calling graffiti a “blight on the city” and not something “we want to be displaying overseas.”

33

DON GIOVANNI July 16, WA Opera, His Majesty’s Theatre

by Anna Saxon Let me preface this review by saying that my friend and I went to the opera for one reason and one reason only - booty. Glorious, pantaloon clad, vibrato booty. And we were not disappointed. From the moment Don Giovanni - played by a rippling, tattooed Teddy Tahu Rhodes- emerged from the bedroom of Donna Anna wearing nothing but a cape, mask and leather hot pants I knew we were in for a great show. The WA Opera has seriously turned up the heat with their production of Don Giovanni, and it would appear that Mozart is bringing sexy back.

Don Giovanni is based on the legends of Don Juan, a fictional libertine - Spain’s answer to Casanova. He is an amoral womanizer who has seduced and abandoned women across Europe, and who, in the end, is doomed to hell by the ghost of a man he has murdered. The opera itself blends comedy, melodrama and supernatural elements in ways that will leave

you wondering why the show doesn’t start with a disembodied voice proclaiming ‘Like sands through the hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives...’. However, the audience was immediately captivated by the over the top, exaggerated brilliance of Giovanni’s world.

A thoroughly classical production in terms of costumes and props (excepting the leather hot pants, but they obviously couldn’t resist putting them on Teddy Tahu), the awning, faux marble set and evocative lighting design really set this production apart. The cast was perfection - a well oiled (literally, Giovanni rubs red wine over his naked torso at one point) singing machine.

There was not a single weak link within the title performers, and while Teddy “The Rock” Tahu gave a stand out performance as sexy bad boy Giovanni, honorable mentions go to James Clayton who played Giovanni’s long suffering manservant Leporello with panache, and Katja Webb as the vengeful yet vulnerable Donna Elvira.

Opera is a world that many people find difficult to understand or connect with - however Don Giovanni is a romp, a Mozart classic which is still easy to watch and understand. It is operas like Don Giovanni that make me sympathise with Salliere in Amadeus. On the one hand we have spine tingling orchestral arrangements, tear-inducing solos and complex moral dilemmas. On the other, we have leather hot pants, problematic female representations and several arias about banging chicks. Musical highlights include Leporello’s detailed rundown of Giovanni’s romantic past - “But in Spain alone, he’s slept with 1003” - and Donna Elvira’s feminist anthem “I’ll rip his heart out”. Cringe factor hit critical levels when Zerlina the peasant girl sings a gorgeous aria begging her new husband to rip her hair out and beat her with it, but Don Giovanni is a fantastic show. It is fun, it is exciting, and you get to have that smug sense of superiority when you tell people you went to the opera. You are now cultured with a capital K, and all thanks to Teddy Tahu’s booty.

SWAN LAKE August 2nd, St Petersburg Ballet, His Majesty’s Theatre

by Dan Werndly The St Petersburg Ballet Theatre seemed more intent on performing for themselves than the audience; at least, that was the impression they gave. The company, formed in 1999, has toured with performances over six continents, and with this ballet I feel that their reputation of being the one of the most skilled and compelling classical dance companies well and truly preceded them. Although the individual dancers were extremely skilled (many of them having trained in the Vaganova Russian Ballet Academy) their Swan Lake didn’t seem to fit together entirely. I was left wishing that Konstantin Tachkin, the company director, had strayed from the traditional choreography slightly more and been more adventurous with the material, as well as using a live orchestral accompaniment in place of the recorded track they used. The

34

swan dances were elegant, but at the same time simplistic and lacking energy. Also, the Corps de Ballet were often left stagnant on the periphery of the stage; when they were involved in a dance segment, my attention was unwavering, but otherwise they only interrupted their stillness with gestures of what can only be called commendation. I would have liked to see them involved in the dance pieces associated with the more powerful music to help build energy and emotion with the audience and really engage them in the plight of Odette.

This contributes to my key criticism of their ballet; the final scene where Prince Siegfried confronts von Rothbart as the black and white swans fight. This was by far the shortest scene at around fifteen minutes, and the battle between Siegfried and Rothbart itself only lasted for three minutes. The scene was overlooked and underplayed, and

I wish the company had made so much more of it. During, the black and white swans were either sitting or standing en pointe in arcs behind Siegfried and Rothbart, when the scene could have been so much more intense if they had engaged with each other in some way. Besides the disappointment of the final scene, the penultimate scene was most definitely a highlight; in it, the entire company was engaged frequently, with more group dance segments than most of the ballet combined. Odile, played by Kolesnikova, was particularly stunning. She mastered the perfect balance of seduction and manipulation that made a perfect precursor to what should have been a truly beautiful final scene.

The best stanza from Don Giovanni (subjectively): “It doesn’t matter if she’s rich/Ugly or beautiful/If she wears a petticoat/You know what he does.” (from Leporello’s ‘Catalog Aria’)

ALBUM REVIEWS Karnivool 8.0 Asymmtery Cymatic Records So Karnivool vocalist Ian Kenny is the first Australian to have two different number one albums in the same year with two different bands. This Perthian is certainly making waves nationally and he deserves to be congratulated.

The less I say about Birds of Tokyo’s March Fires the better (lest I be set upon by MTV-obsessed teenyboppers screaming the lyrics of ‘Lanterns’ at me), but the success of Karnivool’s third album makes a lot more sense. The “asymmetry” implied by the title is exactly what you get, but it’s a strangely positive thing. Moving along classic alternative metal lines, Kenny’s melodic, almost angelic vocals howl over a wall of drums and an earthy bassline. Normally this kind of inconsistency would bother me, but here the band always manages to keep a tight formation as the lead guitar comes screaming in overhead.

Listen to ‘Aeons’ and ‘Eldolon’ to hear Kenny break free and rep his vocal talent, and tracks like ‘Sky Machine’ and ‘Float’ for some real prog influences along with surprisingly workable hints of the ethereal crap that dominated March Fires. Finally, the suspense in ‘Alpha’ in the leadup to the metal drop is cooked to perfection.

Altogether, Asymmetry is an enjoyable offering from Perth’s favourite sons of metal.

Brad Griffin Golden Blonde Gwen Tenzenmen

8.5

In this business of music reviewing, you can get drawn into a game of declaring winners. I don’t remember the last time I wrote a truly negative review about anything, and the consequences are starting to show.

I’ve forgotten how to smile at strangers, and I no longer feel like I am part of a cultural conversation. This is all me in a room with no door, giving myself the thumbs up in the mirror.

But how can I pass this one over? Another in a strong line of recent releases from Sydney imprint Tenzenmen, the big victory of Golden Blonde’s Gwen is in striking a balance between relaxed and uneasy states, and holding it for the albums duration. The appropriate foryour-reference point is Thom Yorke (and all associated projects) with the way the vocals hover above skippity drumming and insistent bleep-bloops. More specifically though it

36

reminds me of a couple of quite different Melbourne bands: fantastic post-rock outfit Because of Ghosts, and (another Thom Yorkeesque accused act) Seagull, without ever quite going for the same sense of structural cohesion from the former or narrative-building of the latter. But that’s fine: I loved both those acts, and Golden Blonde is only similar around the edges.

Lyrical sections appear and disappear, and electronic noise erratically fills the space, at times abrasively, others beautifully and occasionally (gloriously) both. It also pulls off the difficult but rarely appreciated trick of being noticeably varied between tracks while holding a consistent line of sonic enquiry throughout the album. In short, Golden Blonde’s debut is a winner, from a label who are very much in the habit of picking winners, and, dear mirror, it is totally worthy of your praise.

Connor Weightman Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros 7.5 Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

“I feel the love, I feel the power, it’s getting weirder by the hour…” from the track ‘In the Lion’ pretty much sums up my feelings towards Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros, but it gets weird from there in a good way. The band manage to pull off the experimental mash-up of opposing instruments, like in ‘They Were Wrong’ which has the hard thumping of drums coinciding with the crisp high notes of violins and all tied together with a ribbon that is the deep and dark voice of Alex Ebert.

Yet not all the songs feature this broody voice a la Nick Cave; in fact each of the 12 tracks of the album stand out in their own light and are filled with the vibe of 60s pop mixed with the edgy 70s folk-rock.

My favourite track is ‘In The Summer’. imagine you’re sitting there in your seminar class, looking outside to see the pouring rain and wondering whether the downfall will stop by the time the session finishes so you don’t get wet walking to your next class. It doesn’t ease off, so as you wait for the rain to lessen the intensity of its droplets, you listen to this track, and it brings back all the nostalgia of summer.

It’s a soft, joyful tune that as you listen you can imagine yourself lazing on a hammock with

an ice-cold cider or beer in hand. That’s what the album is like: wholesome love with a bit of weirdness and a punch of power, it moves your mind to imagination.

Natasha Woodcock Dream Cave 4.5 Cloud Control Ivy League Records Australian music is currently the flavour of the indie world.

Pond and Tame Impala are the obvious success stories, but casting our nets further afield, other Australian acts such as PVT, Sydney producer Jonti, and jazz fusion group Hiatus Kaiyote are also currently turning critic and fan heads alike right around the world. Now with the release of their sophomore album Dream Cave, it would seem that Sydney band Cloud Control are about to join the aforementioned cast on the world stage.

Dream Cave sounds technically accomplished, mainly because Cloud Control are musicians verging on being in total command of their powers, but their problem is that they need to take a deep breath, step back, and work out what direction they want to take. It’s one thing to sound eclectic; it’s another to manically throw in every idea they have ever had onto an album without any clear purpose. This album meanders from mid 60s psychedelia, to attempts at sounding like Cream circa The White Room, to throwing in layers of dream-pop, and then jumping to something reminiscent of a Royksopp B-side.

Additionally, Cloud Control overuse harmonies.

Harmony is one of those musical devices, that, if pulled off correctly can set a band apart from many contemporaries, but it can also be like 3D cinema; you can either use it like Martin Scorsese did in Hugo as a device to tell the story, or you can make it the only reason to see the film.

Honestly, more is expected from a band being touted as the next big thing to follow after Tame Impala and Pond. Dream Cave is Cloud Control playing to their strengths by playing the game that will gain them the right plaudits from the Pitchfork illuminati, but ultimately it is hard to see it as anything other than a talented but directionless effort from a one-trick pony.

Paul Lindsay

REALITY CUSINE

by Lauren Wiszniewski Unless you’ve spent the last few months waiting in line for Jamie’s Italian, you would be keenly aware that the latest season of Masterchef has hit our television screens. It’s become a cultural phenomenon, and it’s on everyone’s lips; even strangers at your local bus stop will attempt to engage you in conversation about challenges, recipes and kitchen disasters. Although actually, if you have been waiting in line for Jamie’s, you’re already probably on a first names basis with all the contestants, and Masterchef, Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and Jamie’s School Lunches recorded on TiVo in advance. Now, every home cook is a potential gourmet chef who can blow Colonel Sanders and his twelve herbs and spices right out of the water, and a toasted sandwich is no longer adequate if hasn’t been made from fresh chia wholegrain and at least two types of cheese. Though paying $10 for a toasted sandwich is a travesty in itself, the fact that so many people actually care about amateur chefs behind the toasted sandwich simply because they are on screen and ‘living the dream’ makes you want to take a large swig from a bottle.

Reality television is the triumph of the 21st century, a collision of documentary, soap opera and structured storylines acted out by real people who make you care about their problems. As they coexist and compete with eachother, whether it’s over money, opportunity or love, their lives are repackaged into a story-cum-product that’s sold to millions of viewers. Creating characters is essential to the development of any television show and the

reality genre is no different. Storylines that create pressure and conflict are necessary for characters to reveal themselves or change, and the modern cinema classic The Challenge (feat.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen) demonstrates this point perfectly. Estranged twin sisters Shane and Lizzie are pitted against each other in a Survivor-like reality TV show for teens, and in order to triumph over their enemies and win over the boys they like, the sisters must reconcile and combine their efforts. Depicting the careful planning behind the show and the cynical process behind selecting contestants, The Challenge serves to illustrate how people are depersonalized into characters constructed for pleasure of the audience. Two sisters who love each other is a nice concept, but two sisters who hate each other and attempt to sabotage the other at any chance is even better. The Parent Trap may be fiction but the stark reality of sibling rivalry and pranking is anything but.

Through these characters, their struggle and their journey that we find ourselves able to construct stories for ourselves out of the chaotic shenanigans that constitute our own lives, and the ratings go up.

Shows like Australia’s Got Talent and Next Top Model are so successful because they take seemingly ordinary people and force them to pursue their dreams, ambitions that at once are unambiguous, outlandish and very impossible without the help of reality TV. Like Cinderella, they transform under the camera’s spotlight and become the belle of the ball. Underdog problems and dead grandmas are things that

can be overcome; all it takes is burning passion and desire. Evil stepmother equivalents can be found in the form of fellow competitors with different mindsets. In Britain, geographic (north vs. south), historic (modern vs. oldfashion) and class (rich vs. poor) are prime motivators. In America money ultimately speaks, with MTV being a constant charade of the young and dumb (Pimp my Ride, My Crib, The Hills). Australia models itself off both of these world leaders, with efforts such as The Shire, Farmer wants a Wife, and The Beauty and the Geek playing into different antagonisms and clichés. Seeking honesty and truth, we lap up these simplified worlds, and establish that the patterns and behaviours of these characters are similar to our own.

However, despite the satisfaction that comes from just watching people just like us, actual reality is not enough to draw in large audiences; a heightened version is needed.

Lives need to be a glamourized façade of jealously, greed and gluttony, in a world where the clock is always ticking and emotions run at a constant high. Contestants are fed dialogue and placed in contrived, high-pressure situations that would otherwise not exist, and tight editing shapes their experiences into a storyline, with clear protagonists and antagonists. Voiceovers and commentary mould the truth, every edit, choice of camera angle, or decision to shoot one scene over another taking the program a step further from reality. The manner in which people modify their behaviour in front of the camera and how they are not always a true representation of themselves is central; all is self-conscious performance.

In a period of obvious abundance like ours, people have the right to be excited about their dreams, as well as the right to share these dreams with others. While some watch reality television out of a morbid curiosity and the desire to see people fail, others watch because they want someone to triumph over adversity, to experience the narrative of struggle being worth it in the end. Yet, the proliferation of tabloid interviews where contestants declare (complete with glamour shots), that “I’m not actually like that! It was all a lie”, the false becomes even more entrenched in what we feed ourselves. Viewers have become keenly aware of the blurred lines between the constructed and the real, but they keep coming back, hungry for the emotional kicks. Reality is only going to get more fake from here.

Each car that Oprah ‘gave away’ instantly accrued each recipient around $7000 in property taxes unless they chose not to accept the car. Oprah didn’t spend a cent, since the cars had been donated by the manufacturer.

37

FOOD FRAUD

by Kenneth Woo Fake foods - food items that paradoxically taste like the real thing though you know it isn’t have become ingrained into the food supply system of the world. There’s a distinction to be made first though, between the fake foods that use so many different chemicals and processes to mimic the original item that in the end it will just shorten your life and kill you, and the somewhat harmless fake foods that are just for those who cannot afford the real deal but want the taste of it (Ed- see Caitlin’s article on the next page for friendly fakes).

For example, let’s first take a look at crabmeat.

Humanity one day decided that the flesh of a crab was a luxury item and thus worth the bucket load of cash that is now exchanged for their sweet, succulent flesh. But, if you have eaten at any sushi place, you’ll always see some crabmeat sushi roll being sold. How the hell can the sushi roll containing what is supposed to be a luxury item cost only 5 dollars?

This is because there’s crabmeat, and then there’s the horrific monstrosity called Surimi.

Essentially, Surimi is just minced up fish and really whatever else is picked up from the oceans and thrown into the mincer. The resulting paste is then mixed with flavors and chemicals to form the deliciousness that is crabsticks. And by the way, the red colouring is courtesy of crushed insects. Think about that.

Picture by Anna Gardiner

In India there have been reports of another luxury item being counterfeited by enterprising individuals. The rare spice saffron regularly

38

fetches prices of about $14 for half a gram, as it’s incredibly time consuming to harvest the flower it is derived from. With cooks not willing to shell out inflated prices for this rare spice, they turn to imitation saffron from India.

Significantly cheaper and looking exactly like the real deal, fake saffron is made out of gelatin and red dye, looks incredibly realistic and is mixed with sandalwood oils to give it a more saffron-y odour.

A good chance of being poisoned.

As unsettling as that is, it gets more horrifying when you read about some of the recent controversies surrounding fake foods. You only need to do a cursory Google search to find news reports about fake foods produced in China that are bringing intense scrutiny to the nation.

In 2007, the Guardian reported that vendors in Beijing were selling pork buns that were not pork buns, but rather a recipe of chopped cardboard combined with caustic soda to soften it up and pork flavouring yields faux pork buns.

These buns were then sold to the unsuspecting public before the firm responsible was shut down by the police.

More recently in 2012, Time reported that fake chicken eggs had started appearing in China. According to the magazine, the eggs are manufactured in factories with recipes

that demand chemicals such as resin, sodium alginate, gypsum powder and calcium carbonate; that is, exactly what real eggs are made of!

Websites and forum posts have popped up in China teaching people how to spot these fake eggs (people who have tasted both actually said that the fake eggs taste better than the real one), as reports state that a person in a factory can produce up to 1,500 fake eggs per day.

While it seems to be in vogue to see reports on fake foods happening in China, rest assured that other nations are not out of the loop. A report by the New York Times recently revealed that a factory existed in England that was churning out fake vodka. On the surface the bottles look exactly identical to the real brand but once you taste it, you have a good chance of being poisoned. This fake English vodka is spiked with bleach and methanol in order to make it resemble the original drink, and the article reports that there have been multiple cases of poisoning resulting from pre-drinking with a few fake shots, but the full extent of the damage is yet to be determined.

Allow me to induce more fearful vomit from you guys. Movie popcorn is a gift from God, one of the most delicious things to exist in human history, deriving its deliciousness from the movie butter sauce they pump into the large popcorn you order before a screening of Pacific Rim. Just so you know though, it’s not real butter. The liquid they add to your popcorn to give it the warm velvety buttery taste is fake butter, made out of coconut oil and then bathed in the deliciousness that is hydrogenated soybean oil.

While it doesn’t sound so bad, a large popcorn has as much saturated fat as eight Big Macs.

Yummy!

Yes, imitation foods can be convenient and extremely delicious, but at the same time it presents a golden opportunity for individuals to profit off the high demand for certain items from crabmeat to vodka, often to the detriment of the health of oblivious consumers. But after all, who cares? Global warming is going to kill us all, so we might as well eat as much fake food as we can shove into our mouths right now. Pass the popcorn.

The material to make fake (as in actually inedible) food for restaurant displays and furniture store fruit bowls is usually vinyl chloride, which is highly toxic, flammable and scarily carcinogenic when mishandled; the kind of cancer it causes, angiosarcoma, is usually only found in labradors.

IS THERE MEAT IN THAT? Your Guide to the World of Mock Meat

by Caitlin Frunks Now, I’m a vegetarian, but I think meat is delicious. Having decided that the ethical and environmental reasons concerning vegetarianism were more important to me than the taste of a juicy steak for dinner, I went through four or five years without meat cravings. However, eventually I was overwhelmed by Christmas, which every year saw my family pile up the table with every meat known to mankind. As such, it’s not the taste I miss about meat; rather, it’s nostalgia for my carnivorous past. It was this longing which began my exploration into the world of mock meats.

After much deliberation and sampling, I have established the three key factors in determining what makes good mock meat: 1. Looks. Does this food look like the

meat it is trying to imitate?

2. Texture. Does it replicate the texture

well? Are there ‘meat’ grains?

3. Taste. (this is less important for

people who’ve forgotten what meat

actually tastes like.)

If you can nail the first two, then you can absolutely trick your mind into believing you’re eating real meat. Taste is important, but if you have a convincing looking and textured sausage, then add the bun, tomato sauce and onions, you’ll have a pretty realistic sausage sizzle in your hand.

Picture by Alice Palmer

The majority of the following products are made out of textured soya protein (props to soy beans for being the most versatile food source ever), so they provide nutritional value on par to real meat. Quorn products are made from “Mycoprotein, a nutritious member of the fungi family”, but I still have no idea what that

actually is. The following is a selection of mock meats that are available in most supermarkets, as well as a couple of places around town where you can get yourself a hearty mock meaty meal.

pretty realistic sausage sizzle Quorn Quorn is great, but their products do not tick the vegan friendly box due to added egg whites.

However, they do make an amazing selection of meats, from fajita strips (very nice) to ‘southern style’ burgers (so meaty!). I recently tried their sausages and was pretty satisfied with the sizzle they offer, but their mince is my favourite for making spaghetti bolognaise and the texture is so remarkably close to beef mince that it puts off my non-red meat eating boyfriend. I’d say that’s a tick for meat likeliness.

Fry’s Vegetarian The brand name says Fry’s Vegetarian, but don’t be fooled; these are also for my vegan comrades.

They have great meaty burgers and crumbed schnitzels, but beware: I have had unpleasant experiences with their pies. I’d definitely recommend their excellent mock-chicken products, though.

Linda McCartney I’ve only just tried out Linda’s vegetarian line, but boy I liked what I had. I opted for the sausage rolls, which were a very convincing gourmet version of party sausage rolls. Served with tomato sauce, they’ll take you back to the yesteryear of primary school parties with party pies, goody bags and trampolines (disappointingly, I am still yet to encounter a vegetarian party pie on the market). Linda has

more to offer than sausage rolls though – there is also a range of pies (not of the party variety) and burgers.

Sanitarium Definitely the widest and most available range of mock meat and vegetarian products. In the non-perishable aisle you can find a range of mock meat in cans, from nutmeat casserole to little tinned hot dogs. However, I feel the same way about tinned mock meats as I do tinned real meat; it’s probably the most substandard food item you can buy. Heading towards the deli section there’s a wide range of mock cured meats from fake ham and bacon, which remind me more of polony than anything else, and fake salamis that are pretty much the same (except spicier). I still enjoy these on a very occasional basis, but they’re probably not going to fool someone who ate real salami any time in the last decade. Check out instead the selection of sausages, from ‘gourmet’ to hotdog, all of which are deliciously convincing.

PAWS The first time I encountered a PAWS meal, I was so sure that what I had been served was actual beef strips that I made my meat-eating friend take a bite first. He wasn’t fooled, but for someone that hadn’t eaten beef for five years it was pretty overwhelmingly real. PAWS is an excellent place to grab not only a delicious mocky meal, but also to stock up on your own mock meats for home cooking.

Utopia Not only can you get a plate of convincing vegan KFC at Utopia, but their deli section is so extensive you can even buy mock abalone. I don’t want to try real abalone, let alone a mock version, but I am incredibly impressed by the lengths they go to in catering for the vegetarian and vegan crowd. But in all seriousness, Utopia is amazing; where else in Perth can you get a bubble tea, sing karaoke and eat from an entirely vegan and vegetarian menu?

Taking it to the Fridge So, whether you’re a meat eater, vegan, or somewhere in between, I hope this whets your appetite for a delicious mock meat platter (or at least expanding the answer to the question “what is it even that vegetarians eat?”). After all, sometimes it’s nice knowing that the ‘meat’ on your plate is the result of excessive processing and synthesizing ingredients instead of potential animal cruelty.

Hawaii holds an annual Spam Jam in Waikiki during the last week of April. This is one of several annual celebrations dedicated to the mystery meat.

39

CULTURE REVIEWS Endless queue outside of Jamie’s Italian The Naked Chef Inc.

Kanye-APC Collaboration T-shirt Kanye-APC

The queue at Jamie’s Italian is one that can truly touch your heart. From the people who brought you the Star Wars: The Phantom Menace queue, the line to get into Jamie’s Italian is one that will leave you more spiritually fulfilled than any of Mr Oliver’s meals. The queue has all the classic elements of its genre. With constant water falling over you, be it rain or dickheads pissing from the rooftop of the nearby Aviary, the endless queue promises already a high quality of misery and mindnumbing depression. Special torment is provided by the wonderful staff at Jaimie’s Italian; nasty waitresses often come out to escort special guests and abuse poor people in the line. Jamie Oliver is also in Perth to add to your queuing experience, screaming “YOU’RE ‘AVIN A LAUGH!” in a grating Cockney accent at the young students who dare to consider entering his restaurant. Like all great restaurant queues, the best part is the meal teasers, with Heinz Baked tins handed out to those in the line deemed too “unclean” by Mr Oliver to cross the dimly lit threshold into fine international dining. All in all, the wait outside Jamie’s Italian is one to remember, leaving other famous local queues at Centrelink Gosnells and Perth Domestic Airport in its wake.

Kanye West has done it again.

With a single move, he goes HAM and changes the game forever.

This time, he’s spinning threads, not beats. Kanye’s collaboration with alternative clothing label APC (who focus on Italian raw denim and organic cotton shirts) is a masterstroke, putting the man, the legend, the self-named Yeezus in touch with some business practises that he probably cares very little about. Despite some outrage by the K-mart crowd over the price, y’all turn out to be just a bunch of h8rs. Check it: All of APC’s plain white tee’s are $80, so you’re only paying $10 for the washing instruction tag that has Kanye’s name on it. He knew that “we the new slaves”, so why not profit off it? Yeezy is laughing all the way back to Chi-town. Self-cynical worldviews and personality traits similar to Hideo Kojima aside, the shirt itself is pretty fabulous. It’s cut and sized for the run(a)way (9 minutes, explicit) and breathes like a Alsatian with a snorkel. Layering is key; this shirt is so soft you’lL often forget you’re wearing it and will put another one on over the top. This emperor has a new shirt- shout out to rapgenius.com for the metaphor.

Richard Ferguson

Simon Donnes

Breakdancing goths in the city The Colour Black

40

Club Dirge Haunted Jazz Establishment

The latest instalment in a series of hair dye enthusiasts to haunt the CBD’s various precincts over time, the ravegoths who hang around Central Park will hopefully maintain their mildly confrontational presence for years to come. Combining severely parted side fringes with dog collars and Phat pants, the unique fashions of this group contrast starkly with those of the unassuming businesspeople of St George’s Terrace. The carefully cultivated juxtaposition of historical trends evident in the clothing styles and attitudes of the goths is sometimes confusing, but always deeply moving. To combine the seemingly inconsistent aesthetics of both LMFAO and Bauhaus is only slightly short of genius; a truly nuanced approach to subcultural serfdom seldom seen in a small city like Perth. Better still are the affectedly half-hearted dance performances, crude jeers at passersby, and persistent trademark background buzz of Beats by Dre headphones playing loud trip hop. The group’s only detraction is a somewhat contrived approach to angst, which can at times come across as insincere. The leering also needs work. Nonetheless, this is misunderstood youth at its best.

Appearing only at midnight on a full moon on a vacant block in Northbridge, new jazz bar Club Dirge is the latest effort by the City of Perth to culturally enrich the town’s nightlife. Built on an authentic graveyard site of famous jazz musicians and staffed entirely by hooded figures, this place is the real deal, and it triumphs in nearly every regard. True to Perth’s backwards nature, however, Club Dirge is not friendly to those inexperienced in dealing with the supernatural - several less wizened jazz aficionados have been left caught in the bar as the sun came up (although Mayor Scaffidi assures me they’ll pop back up somewhere eventually). When the venue is open, it’s a safe bet that whatever ghostly apparition is taking the stage that night will be full of talent, regardless of whether they’re playing a traditional jazz set or simply rattling some selfharvested human bones. One letdown about Club Dirge, however, is its service - the staff are unwilling (although possibly unable) to chat, simply groaning inhumanly, and are known to become very hostile when you try to remove their hoods. If you want to enjoy a good night out here, resign yourself to enjoying the set, and make a generous entry fee in blood at the door.

Kat Gillespie

Mason Rothwell

CHINESE SHANZHAI CULTURE: Is Imitation The New Creation?

by Neil Thomas Been baking fries in your elbow grease and glaring green at Rocketfuel customers all semester to hoard enough pennies for the sixweek Europe ritual? There’s nothing quite like the cultured aura of having been plastered in Paris rather than Perth, right? Well, now there’s a cheaper way to indulge in revelry beneath the Eiffel Tower. Go to China.

In the quiet city of Tiandu in Zhejiang Province, there stands not only a hundred-metre replica of France’s most tired cliché, but also an entire town replete with splendid Parisian boulevards, picturesque jardins, and the Champs du Mar. The romantic fantasies of its lovelorn developer seem lost on the locals clearing fields for cultivation around the Tower base.

This seeming phantasmagoria is just one slice of the modern Chinese cultural phenomenon known as shanzhai. A slang term initially coined in 2008 to refer to the deluge of supercheap and very-fake ‘Made in China’ knockoff brand mobile phones like the HiPhone, shanzhai quickly transmogrified into a catchall expression for self-conscious imitation or parody. The original meaning of the word in Chinese is ‘mountain village’, connoting the remote hideouts to which bandits would flee to evade official authority.

Virtually anything can be shanzhai; phones, books, bags, clothes, cars. Can’t cough up the moolah for ultra-celebrity Jay Chou to open your supermarket with a celebratory rap? No sweat, the shanzhai Jay Chou walks, talks and looks just about like him! Woken up in a Beijing hotel with jackhammers drilling through your eyeballs? Probably that shanzhai Johnny Walker you imbibed last night! Plus that Samsang probably won’t even see out the next Apple lawsuit – and it sure as hell doesn’t come with a two-year extendable warranty. And nobody wants to be on the nine-month-long receiving end of a shanzhai condom.

There is a significant canon singing the praises of shanzhai as a natively Chinese form of innovation, which takes Western designs and surpasses them with extra features, as smallscale and intense competition means shanzhai manufacturers can offer customisable products finely attuned to local needs. Multiple SIM card slots, flashlights for unlit streets, and extraloud ringtones for machinery operators are all functions pioneered by shanzhai phones.

Indeed, shanzhai developers were wily enough to launch their own iPads months before Apple got around to it!

So, big business stamps its feet and furiously brandishes its precious WTO intellectual property treaties. China flashes a grin and churns out Workers Daily stunts, like 30 million pirated DVDs being ceremoniously bulldozered outside the scintillatingsounding National AntiPornography and Anti-Illegal Publications Office. Some policymakers condemn shanzhai as perpetuating the injurious image of China as an uncreative den for ‘rip-off merchants’, but serious IP enforcement is both politically difficult and economically objectionable. The World Customs Office guesstimates that Chinese counterfeit goods comprise 2% of global GDP – almost as much as Australia – so no wonder manufacturing nerve centres like Shenzhen still heave with cloisters of shanzhai workshops.

Since the shanzhai sensation went viral over Chinese social media in 2008 (spurred on by viral photos of a dog made up like a shanzhai panda and streets packed with shanzhai ‘McMcdonalds’) it’s been the subject of extensive Chinese and Western cultural commentary. What do the popularity of shanzhai fakery and the enthusiastic appropriation of the adjective for popular parody say about modern China?

China is a country stratified by economic class, where opportunity depends heavily upon social privilege. Corruption is rife, and the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) seeks to exercise a firm grip on public discourse and agenda setting.

This has led many to advocate shanzhai as an expression of grassroots resistance by the silent majority excluded from formal power structures – the realisation of authenticity beyond official endorsement – as people make their voices heard in opposition to both brand-centric consumption and sanctioned political discourse.

Expressions of shanzhai lose their authenticity as soon as they become officially endorsed, but without comparison to the original subject of imitation they are worthless. Indeed, they even function as endorsements for their inspirations; after all, imitation is the highest form of flattery.

The aping of iconic commodities is yet another facet of their fetishisation by semiotically

brainwashed consumer masses, as shanzhai simply reveals the subsuming of economically marginalised groups into the dependencies of global capitalism. Indeed, there’s increasing convergence between shanzhai designs and authentic products. Some successful shanzhai companies have become mainstream and collaborated with law enforcement agencies against their former competitors.

Shanzhai is a movement born out of economic lack and societal exclusion. Most Chinese would purchase the real brand if they could afford to, but because of entrenched inequality they can’t.

When end consumers bestow consumed goods or images with the shanzhai label, it is an act of self-satire. And while one may revel in the shanzhai identity, satire is humour born out of anger towards social conditions and frustration at one’s inability to otherwise change it.

It’s arguable that since China began to open up under Deng Xiaoping in 1978 that the CCP has deliberately shaped the Chinese socioeconomy to shift the burden of Chinese selfrealisation from political rights to conspicuous consumption, based upon narratives of selfreliance. As such, the official lenience towards shanzhai production can be understood from the government’s perspective as necessary to enable hundreds of millions of working class Chinese the ability to engage in the consumption necessary to distract them from aspiring to participatory civil rights. As such, shanzhai functions not as resistance but collaboration.

So whilst on the surface shanzhai may be hilarious, ultimately it is a symptom of human tragedy. You can even buy shanzhai ‘sent from my iPhone’ instant messaging signatures if you can’t afford the real deal.

Michael Jordan sued the Chinese basketball apparel company Qioadan for infringement of copyright, since Qiaodan is the Chinese pronounciation of Jordan. Qiaodan contested the lawsuit, claiming they had simply chosen a popular last name, and that they also chose Qiaodan for its Chinese meaning: “plants in the south”.

41

ACCEPTABLE IN THE 1880S

by Tess Schlink When I was 12, I was a half-hearted Victoriana enthusiast. I have scarring memories of walking around Subiaco in a long Gypsy skirt from Target Country with a cheap fan and parasol trying to channel my inner Lizzy Bennet. I had no clue about the era whatsoever. In my adolescent mind the Victorian era spanned most of the 18th, 19th and early 20th centuries. I was more interested in the feel, the ambiance of the time. The Victorian era was some misty world of petticoats, pressed flowers and Mr Darcys emerging from ponds, and I desperately wanted to be a part of that world, a desire fuelled by the impossibility of the thing - much like how I’d dreamt of being accepted into Hogwarts some three or four years earlier.

I’d been routinely googling various permutations of phrases like “Victorian era” “Victorian customs” and “Austen costumes” for some weeks (something I kept a secret from my parents through routinely deleting my

search history). Despite perfecting clicking to another less shameful Internet Explorer window whenever I sensed someone entering the room, I was fearfully awaiting the intervention, the day when my parents would confront me about my dangerous Victoriana obsession.

My escapist fantasies peaked in the summer of 2005. I stumbled upon a geocities site with beautiful graphics called Gibson Girls, named for a series of pin up girl illustrations from the 1890s by Charles Gibson. The site was a message forum for 12-20 year old girls “who yearned for a simpler time”, an Internet safe haven for Victorian enthusiasts where we could wish together for a return to a time before the Internet. I am sure the irony was lost.

All Gibson Girls were titled, and I became Lady Tess. The forum was a mix of threads on our favourite Sherlock Holmes installments, vicious critiques of the anachronistic costumes in

period dramas and “You know you’re a Gibson girl when... you never leave home without your bouffant!” discussions (Ed- jesus Christ wow).

One key feature of the forum was role-playing; the premise was we were all a group of young women living in a grand house (the Gibson Manor) and then, we created what followed. I quote: “Lady Jane had a wonderful idea to begin the official Ladies’ Letter-Writing Society”. With the Gibson Girls’ love of stationery, ink, and the written word, you can imagine that it will soon be getting off to a fine start. Quotes will be the first theme!”

After about eight happy months in that wonderful manor, I left the forum because I wanted to “spend less time on the Internet”.

I missed the parties and attacking Keira Knightley’s acting in the 2005 Pride and Prejudice adaptation. But as my passion for Victoriana waned, so did my interest in that strange online niche that was the Gibson Manor.

KNOW YR SOAP OPERA!

by Verity Hughes One big happy family: The lives of characters all conveniently intertwine. Most of these characters all appear to be one big happy family, minus incestuous dating (exception to the rule: Game of Thrones). Also, a lot of connections between characters are a direct result of the switching and swapping around of partners and relationships, as everyone moves on from one person to the next like there’s no tomorrow (which there may not be. depending on ratings).

looking, seductive and filthy rich; so, basically a replica of your average Joe.

Brooding 24/7: There are few things in life that bring absolute joy. Watching someone brood is not one of them. This’ll come up in at least three out of every five episodes.

To Be Continued: One guaranteed promise that is fulfilled each week, or each day, again depending on what you are watching, is that the show will go on, the staple characters will be there, all trying to tackle their individual obstacles, who looks better then who and what not. There is never ‘The End’; just an ominous sorta-ending that perpetuates the idea of various alternative endings. In real life, we have only one ending; deal with it.

The Beautiful people: In many soap operas there’s a certain level of attractiveness cast members have to come up to. They may not have hearts of gold and personality to spare in real life) but on the show, everyone is beautiful inside and out.

Well, most of them. They’re always good-

42

Recurring Natural Disasters & Tragedies: At least one natural disaster or tragic accident/ death will befall the characters; fire, great storm, car crash, a random shooting. But an episode later, everything will be back to normal; that handsome Ken doll who was flat lining on a hospital bed is back up and walking, and the woman who suffered third degree burns last week will be looking fiiiine.

The Sincerity, Oh the Sincerity: Everyone (excluding the Villain) has a genuine, warm interest in everyone around them and their lives. Hahahaha You Are Excused…If & Only if You Are a Regular If you commit a crime (deceit, theft, a casual bit of murder), it doesn’t mean you’re a bad character/person, or even that punishment is necessary. Instead, you get a second chance, and a third; really, as many as you need according to how long you’re contracted as a regular for. “What goes around comes around” is not a concept explored too deeply in soap operas.

Illegitimate children and parents coming at ya left, right and centre: When things get a little stale, bring in a random character! Popular types are the illegitimate child or parent, there to steal attention and provide nothing but/turmoil and havoc for the usual lot. (The details of when and where the children are conceived is always under a very vague and blurry light.)

WRITING FICTION WITH YOUR MOUTH

by Tom Rossiter

In these situations, it becomes impossible to tell someone you haven’t read the corresponding novel without provoking an angry tirade. As an aside, the standard method for convincing people you’ve read The Lord of the Rings is to bemoan the film’s absence of Tom Bombadil (maybe throw in a comment about J.R.R’s overuse of descriptive prose for a bit of padding). And if you can convince people you’re literate and intelligent, then you have a real shot at finally attaining that sense of validation you so crave (Ed- Is that what the kids are calling it these days?). Of course, you must remember make your fictional reading broad; admit to some of the more-well received Fantasy novels, and perhaps a trashy romance or two. Mention how much you like Patrick Rothfuss to Fantasy readers, and how well you think he can switch between action packed sequences, flowery description and surprisingly well-written poetry.

The best and most obvious way to lie about reading books is to do a bit of research, find out the names of the main characters, the quotes people most commonly use. Heck, maybe even read Wikipedia’s plot outline.

Stick to the classics here, like War & Peace, Ulysses and The Sound and the Fury; anything that sounds impressive. A pro tip is to focus your research on one book and make that one your ‘go to’ conversation topic. But there’s a line to tread here. You have to judge your audience well, so do not tell anyone outside of a Young Liberals meeting that your favourite book is Atlas Shrugged. Nor should you get too ambitious, so avoid all talk of Finnegan’s Wake.

No one’s read that. No one will believe you.

If all of this ‘learning’ and ‘reading’ sounds like it’s beginning to defeat the purpose of lying (after all, if you’re going to do all this goddamn preparation, you might as well read the book), this is where the main tool of any lazy faux

Picture by Yashi Renoir

Essentially, we’re all just obsessed with appearances. Accept it, dear readers: it’s just reality. And we all want other people to think we’re well-read and intelligent, so it’d really save quite a bit of time if we just lied about the books we’ve read. Even if you don’t want to impress people, there are situations where you really have no choice but to lie about having read a book; ever talked to a die-hard Lord of the Rings fan when you’ve only watched the movies?

intellectual comes into play: the on-screen adaption. Pretty much everything worth reading has been made into a movie or TV show, and if you don’t mind subtitles, then your choices expand even further, as every culture loves to adapt the works of their most famous authors.

Watching a movie adaption will see you through a conversation, whilst a miniseries will ensure your knowledge is so solid the lie may endure the length of a marriage. Another simple tip is to look into an author’s appearance. This enables the ol’ ‘You know, I met them once’ story, which can be completely made up on the spot. Improvise! Good authors to have ‘met’ include Neil Gaiman and Stephen King. Bad authors to have ‘met’ include Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Sartre. Do not mix these up.

If you lack confidence, are having an off day, or just don’t live for the thrill of lying to others, then deflecting the conversation is your best option. “Oh, I just started reading it, don’t spoil it for me” is always a good option, especially if you foresee social disaster. Be ready to change the direction of the conversation, ideally into something you can talk about with some confidence. If your conversation partner seems to be particularly fond of a novel, don’t make generalised criticisms, since they’ll defend the book and your lack of knowledge will be swiftly

uncovered. With a little more preparation, you might convince a human that you’ve read more obscure works by the same Author, “Oh, you loved Ulysses? I just finished Dubliners. Next I’m reading Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man.” Push the idea that you’re reading an author’s books in a specific (for Very Important Reasons) sequence, and if you betrayed that sequence, you would somehow receive less enjoyment from the book. But if you can summon up even a shred of courage, go for the straight lie. If you can pull it off well, you’ll seem more intelligent and maybe, just maybe you’ll have gotten through another harrowing literary conversation.

You loved Ulysses?

But look, too difficult? You just want to impress girls with your intellectualness? Then you should grow that beard you’ve been thinking of! And yes, a goatee is an acceptable beard substitute (they’ll each look best with one of your many fedoras). Go out and read your thrilling Jeffrey Archer novel, confidently telling everyone you’re enjoying Lolita.

Comparatively G-rated quote from James Joyce’s letters to his wife, Nora; “it is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her.”

43

BOOK REVIEWS Sunshine on Scotland Street Alexander McCall Smith Sunshine on Scotland Street is a twee story about people in Scotland by Alexander McCall Smith, writer of The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency series. Specifically, it takes place on Scotland Street (and sometimes other streets in the vicinity) in which there is sunshine, and occasionally some rain, but not much else really. Having thoroughly enjoyed other books by McCall Smith, I was let down by this seemingly banal romp through selected events in the lives of a cast several Average Scottish Joes. This book is the next instalment in a series called 44 Scotland Street, which has appeared for eight seasons in The Scotsman.

I was first confused by whether this book was set in Scotland or simply Scotland Street. This however was cleared up by the liberal mention of tartan and moors in the first ‘episode’ within the book. As the book continues, it transitions with no real connection between the characters and covers both major and minor occurrences in their lives - events from weddings, lost dogs, to Danish documentary makers, and even school canteen food. McCall’s subtle humour and humble writing style do leave the reader at times stretching for the joke, but do provide some genuinely laughworthy situations, as well as the odd tear over canine misfortune.

When you step away from the book, there is no one story that stands out, leaves an impression or makes you learn some huge life-lesson by observing the natural state of several Scottish suburbanites and city-folk. There is, however, a sense of satisfaction in being a bit of a perv in the lives of many hateable, loveable

44

and occasionally relatable characters’ lives. Maybe if one was a regular reader of The Scotsman, or could relate more to the Scottish condition, it might be more approachable and engrossing. Without that context, frankly the whole thing felt like a Scottish Neighbours, with better writing and less melodrama.

Best Moment: Identifying most with Cyril the dog.

Worst Moment: Identifying most with Cyril the dog.

Read with: The rest of the series and possibly haggis.

5/10 Caroline Stafford has nothing against the Scottish and in fact quite likes tartan.

Time Past and Time Present Deirdre Madden I’m generally a bit of a sucker for ‘magic realism,’ so when Zoe mentioned the words in connection with Time Present and Time Past I jumped on the opportunity to review it. However, this is perhaps something of an overstatement, as I think the book’s genre could better be described as ’godawful boring realism featuring occasional hallucinations.’ This is largely a book is about family, the past and the life of middle-class Dubliners at the peak of Ireland’s pre-2007 boom, with some very minor fantastical elements. Its cast consists of various members of the Buckley family: Fintan, an affluent middleaged lawyer, his wife and three children, his sister Martina, who owns a clothes shop, and their mother and aunt. The story follows the development of Fintan’s interest in early colour photography, which leads to a series of fairly harmless

and unexplained hallucinations. At the same time the novel sketches a hundred-year history of the Buckleys through a process of recollection on the part of the various family members going about their daily business, a kind of skeletal narrative that the book’s 224 large print pages fail to fill out.

At first I thought the novel was merely very slowly paced, that the end would feature some grand revelations, but the fact is that nothing really happens. There was perhaps one point of the plot that developed to a revelation, the story of Martina’s return to Dublin from her life in London, but this was a fairly minor and thoroughly foreshadowed mystery. The book was utterly humourless, with the occasional light-hearted moments coming across like a toddler’s parent telling you about the really funny thing their kid said last week. Tonally this book is like that lady columnist who used to write really sincere columns about family and friendship and life from a middle-aged lady perspective in the Weekend Australian Magazine, the page after Susan Maushart*. The writing is plain, the ideas are simplistic, and whilst the in-depth character histories that made up a large bulk of the book led me to empathise with these characters, I was then frustrated when nothing actually fucking happened to them. The really sad thing is that the story of Martina could, if it were the book’s main focus, make an interesting and challenging novel, and I think if Time Present had been primarily about her rather than her dull, everyman brother I could have found more to enjoy in it.

Best bit: the surreal hallucination moments.

Worst bit: *Ruth Ostrow! That’s her name!

This book is the less-rauchy literary equivalent of a Ruth Ostrow column.

Read it with: in the loungeroom with your parents and a cup of tea in hand.

4/10 Hugh Manning is probably going to give this book to his mum.

Westerly Vol. 58, No.1 2013 Westerly is a collection of, as it refers to itself, “the best in writing from the west”. It comes with all of the attendant flaws and benefits of this noble distinction. This collection is staunchly, earnestly Perth. You probably have about twenty mutual Facebook friends with each of the authors.

Because of this unrelenting localism Westerly is sometimes painfully trite but also frequently relatable. The wide array of poetry, essays, articles and short fiction that it contains pulls and pushes against the edges of the statically pleasant, remote suburbia which has produced it.

It contains some excellent pieces, from a well-researched and enlightening article

by Paul Genoni which explores the key symbolic role that a mass murderer played in the formation of Perth’s identity as it transformed from country town into a city, to a delightful and Vonnegut-esque series of narrative vignettes by MG Michael. It also suffers some of the same limitations. While the poetry offers some novel and refreshing imagery, from “yesterday’s cheese” to histamines that blow gently in the wind, it doesn’t always attain the memorable flow of classic poetry and sometimes falls back on tired overwrought expressions and overstylized layouts.

A sense of regional isolation and alienation is present in the background of many pieces, as they attempt to explore the multifaceted acne of Perth’s blooming adolescence. Luckily, it avoids drifting into the shadowland of hackneyed bush poetry. It is both refreshing and somewhat disconcerting reading a collection so directly tied to its Western Australian roots. It may take a little while to get used to the idea of our backyards and train lines being a poetic or narrative subject beyond the aged

questions of salty fishermen and deprived indigeneity. Once you do, you are likely to find some gems that resonate with your own experience of this narrativelyneglected west. Worth putting down WestMate for.

Best Bit: The phrase “gilded mediocrity” describing Perth’s rising Nedlands UWA elite.

Worst Bit:The lingering feeling after reading some sections that I had stumbled upon an eloquent but angsty 14 year old’s Simple Plan-inspired tumblr.

Read it with: Bon Iver’s “Perth” on repeat, while riding Transperth for full effect.

8/10 Hamish Hobbs and Caroline Stafford heart Perth.

Connor Weightman is featured in this edition of Westerly.

Leaving the Atocha Station Ben Lerner The latest edition of Ben Lerner’s novel, Leaving the Atocha Station, has an excerpt from a recent review printed on the cover in big type: ‘Luminously original... like a comet from the future.’

I’d read the book a few weeks before I saw this, and other reviews espousing the originality of the novel, which follows a young American poet through a residency in Madrid, and found myself unequivocally agreeing: the book is strange, incisive, original. But when I began to think about it again, I couldn’t decide what it was exactly that gave me these impressions.

The writing itself is not experimental; it

reads much like other novels of its kind, presenting direct and unadorned, as in some of Philip Roth’s Zuckerman books, reality as it occurs to the sharp, ironic, fantasising sense of the writer.

Poet Adam Gordon is supposedly in Spain to write ‘a long, research-driven poem’ about ‘the literary legacy’ of the Spanish Civil War, but this research amounts to getting high on a mixture of hash and tranquilizers and staring at Roger van der Weyden’s The Descent from the Cross every morning, awaiting ‘equillibrium’; wandering around Madrid in ‘the preternaturally bright’ sun; and lying copiously to everyone he meets.

Amidst this languid, hazy atmosphere, mirrored brilliantly by Lerner’s prose, we hear observations about many things, often true, but idle, leading nowhere, wandering, always submerged in the shield Gordon erects against the panic, ‘the white machine of life’, that is enchroaching at edges of everything.

The originality of the novel lies in Lerner’s conception of this character’s growth.

Gordon’s self-loathing, narcissism, and insincerity shift in time; Lerner’s ingenuity is to make this shift fully believable, ambiguous, with all the same difficulties implied as before. A book about lying that is exceedingly honest.

Best bit: The movement of a brilliant, fumbling, neurotic mind.

Worst bit: Gordon’s poetry (Strangely.

Lerner himself is a good poet).

Read with: Lorca, Ashbery, paella, tranqs.

9/10 Daniel Dolin tried getting bent on van der Weyden at the EDFAA library to no avail.

45

UPCOMING BROADENING UNITS

by Griff ESPR1140 Beginner Esperanto Students can 1) hold conversations on Esperantine cultural conventions, such as peat burning and wifebeating; (2) discuss and comment on issues such as agriculture, EU membership or cockfighting with an Esperantan; (3) understand key components of Esperanto culture like Sammastide, Vratska the Immodest and the Running of the Geese (4) report an unprovoked assault (5) compliment a friend about his/her tractor, hammer, etc. The unit will involve hands-on experiences with Esperantine food, music, art and unarmed combat.

MUSC3351 These Days: the Music of Powderfinger and the Australian Milieu Students will 1) develop understandings of the deep, rich artistic public discourses of the Howard era and the place of Powderfinger within that tontext; 2) demonstrate musicological understandings of complex compositional dynamics; and 3) trace the interaction between societal thought and artistic praxis. The performance component involves reinterpreting source texts to demonstrate understandings of key conceptual material.

Guest lectures from speakers including Dylan Lewis and Emeritus Professor Ian Haug.

ANTH1423 Globalisation and Surf Culture Students will 1) demonstrate understanding of the different value systems underpinning key surfing components (the ‘wipeout’, beaver tails, etc.) across different cultures; 2) understand the impact of economic change (eg. rise of the Somalian wax industry) on local surfing identities; and 3) explain the competitive dynamics of aggressive kiteboarding cultural incursions into both surfing Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft.

BIOL3342 Postmodern Zoology In this theoretical unit preparing students for hands-on roles in zoo management, students will 1) explore the hyperreality of zoo layout vis a vis the simulacra of the Zanesville massacre 2) relate the crisis of foundationalism and the culture industry to the role and power of the zoo in modern society 3) respond to Barthean ideas of the Death of the Zookeeper and 4) explain the difference of taxonomy and the rupture of zoological experience-as-text.

ECON2321 Consumer Behaviour in Shakespeare Using a framework based on an intermediate understanding of Enlightenment economic behavior, students will analyse texts while 1) searching for economic universals across time and competing values systems; 2) exploring the shifting nature of consumer preference dependent on cultural values; 3) developing theories of exchange for natural resources; and 4) demonstrating rational decision theory processes from textual evidence.

PHYS1191 Centripetal Motion and Perpetual Bliss: the Physics of Love and Intimacy In this introductory physics unit, students will; 1) develop principles of heat transfer; 2) understand elements of force, friction and resistance in theoretical and practical contexts; and 3) explore the Thermodynamic Laws of Attraction as outlined by Faith Hill. Involves regular practical collaborative lab assessments involving demonstrations of the concepts developed prior in the unit.

Artists wanted - no training necessery

Ever wanted to be in an art exhibition at a major gallery? Well, now you can!

Duck into the Lawrence Wilson Art Gallery at UWA for your FREE Duck Postcard Art Book.

Make your own art on the ten postcards and drop one off at the Gallery or Guild to be included in our upcoming Duck Postcard exhibition.

See the website for more info - lwgallery.uwa.edu.au The Lawrence Wilson Art Gallery and the UWA Student Guild celebrate the University of Western Australia Centenary in 2013.

Wednesday 25 September

4pm-7pm

uwa.edu.au/postgradexpo