Pelican Edition 8 Volume 84

PELICAN

Team Ed. 8 Vol. 84

Picture by Alice Palmer

CONTENTS

TEAM

REGULARS

SECTIONS

14 crowdfund

4

credits

25 politics

15 friends

5

editorials

29 film

16 games

6

advice corner

33 arts

17 kanaka

7 classifieds

36 music

18 twins

8

39 culture

19 group

46 comixx

nudes

42 books

20 war 21 amazon 22 lone wolf 23 nasty

3

CONTRIBUTORS EDITORS Marnie Allen Alex Griffin ADVERTISING Alex Pond DESIGN Kate Hoolahan SECTION EDITORS Books- Zoe Kilbourn Culture- Simon Donnes Politics- Richard Ferguson Music- Connor Weightman Arts- Kat Gillespie Film- Wade McCagh SUBEDITORS Simon Donnes Richard Ferguson Kat Gillespie Kate Prendergast Wade McCagh CONTRIBUTORS Marnie Allen*^ Lucy Ballantyne* Ella Bennett* Kevin Chiat* Samuel J. Cox* Jessica Cockerill^ Simon Donnes* Caitlin Frunks* Kat Gillespie* Matt Green* Alex Griffin*

4

Brad Griffin* Hamish Hobbs* Zoe Kilbourn* Akima Lateef^ Hugh Manning* Wade McCagh* Greta McEwan* Samuel Montgomery* Cameron Moyses* James Munt* Eunice Ong* Harry Quinlan* Lachlan Palamara* Kate Prendergast*^ Emily Purvis* Charles Risburg* Thomas Rossiter* Mason Rothwell* Jacob Rutherford* Ben Sacks* Gideon Sacks* Angus Sargent* Anna Saxon* Elisa Thompson* Michael Trown* Thea Walton* Camden Watts* Connor Weightman Daniel Werndly* Lauren Wiszniewski*^ Kenneth Woo* Natasha Woodcock*

COVER PHOTO Alex Pond

GOODBYE, FUCKERS Comments? Thoughts? Criticism? Handjobs? Send them all to pelican@guild.uwa.edu.au, or visit our office on the first floor of the guild building on campus. We are no longer infected!

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed within are not the views of the UWA Student Guild of the Pelican editorial staff. What’s your number? I swear I didn’t-

For advertising enquiries, contact alex.pond@guild.uwa.edu.au

PREZITORIAL

It is with both sadness and ecstatic relief that I write my last ever Prezitorial… We’ve had some fun, you and I; frolicking between self-deprecating jokes, insubordination from my office-bearers and, of course, my consistently lame attempts at humorous segues towards serious Guild-plugging.

It’s quite fitting that the theme of this Prezitorial is TEAM. I’ve had a great team this year, including Maddie “Secretary-General-Overlord” Mulholland, Laura “I love clubs and Tyson” Smith and Tom “Hen-dog Henderson”.

Tom, despite doing a great job on Education this year and becoming the 101st Guild President you are not “Hen-lion” Henderson, nor will you ever be.

Some of my team even stepped up to the plate and helped me write these Prezitorials, including Rob “token dickhead” Purdew and Lizzy “Coup d’etat” O’Shea. While her reign as Acting-President was short and brutal, Lizzy has been an incredibly strong team player this year. So too has Josh “fedoras are the shiz” Bamford, who was a highly deserving recipient of the Cruickshank-Routley Award.

It’s been a year of lots of great new stuff. We now have an award-winning sustainability plan thanks to Dan “where the fuck is your keep-cup” Stone, the creation of an inter-faculty sports committee thanks to Kelly “lovely cuddle-bunny” Fitzsimons, the return of Fringe Festival thanks to Valentine “sass-queen” Barron and an International Students’ Council thanks to Felix “Constable Care” Lim. We also did lots of cool stuff to improve food on campus, including the work done by Annie “net present value” Lei on dietary requirements. The Women’s Department won national media attention thanks to Sophie “the maverick” Liley, while Welfare expanded and became IT-savvy due to Cam “Google home screen is my porn” Fitzgerald.

Finally, it’s important to remember that the Guild isn’t just run by Guild Office-bearers, but by everyone from Guild Council to those wonderful ordinary members who volunteered their time on committees and sub-committees. Our team this year has been epic in both size and the quality of people involved. You all inspire me.

Much love, “the Real Cam Barnes”

MARNITORIAL I’ve been on a lot of teams before (corps de ballet, hip-hop crew, debating, Tories etc) but none of them could really rival my experiences as part of Pelican. From the very first time I attended a Pelican meeting I’ve had an endless source of humour, stimulating conversation, surreal experiences and really great friends. There isn’t enough space to thank everyone who’s supported me this year but y’all know who you are. Special thanks however to Alex Pond and Kate Hoolahan, who are so dang excellent at their jobs and also both have pretty hair and wow omg this is totally the closest I’ll ever get to an academy award speech. Anywhoo, the best part of being Pelican editor this year was getting to work with the coolest bunch of dorks ever; the editorial team. Wade and Connor, you couldn’t possibly be more handsome. Simon, we’ll always have ‘Don’t stop Movin’. Zoe, you are the most spectacular drunk saxophonist I’ve ever met. Richard, you’re the only gay I want to regularly make out with. Kat, I’ll never forget your snapchat prowess. And finally, to the most agile Fanta pants with the worst handwriting I’ve ever seen, Griffy. Can’t wait to get famous with you with our debut HBO dramedy, Frat Baby. You’re the voice. <3 all you muthfckrs xxx Marnie

GRIFFITORIAL

So, another year of Pelican has flown by, full of missing apostrophes, stolen beer and communal eyerolling at lipdubs. First off, I really want to thank the friends and family who have put up with me when deadlines have turned me into a quivering wreck of Jerk, because it happened often. Alex Pond, Kate Hoolahan and everyone else in the Guild hve been To all of our section editors, Marnie got it pretty spot on calling out your snapchat goods but I will add that you’re all brilliant, insightful and gifted people.

And Marnie; there’s only one person in the world capable of fitting Matthew Pavlich and Henry from Guild finance into the same sentence, let alone the same comic frame. You’re a legend.

But as we move on, the future is uncertain for student press. There are those who’ll say that institutions like Pelican are becoming less and less relevant or necessary as campus culture becomes more located on the LMS forums than on the Oak Lawn, but the answer to worry is in the question. Pelican is essential to a living, thriving, humming campus, not only as a way for people to connect with eachother and share their ideas, but as a way for the student body to be all together in the same place in a real, tangible way. Marnie and I tried our best this year to make the ol’ bird an inclusive, open and accessible thing, and we hope that if anyone out there has any curiosity about spending some time here, we know you won’t regret it. The purpose of this whole university thing isn’t to find the fastest way to settle into a $150k mining job while learning how to grease a palm. It’s about all that self-discovery stuff, about challenging yourself, about learning what it is you are and the best way to go about making that happen. Pelican is here for that.

Keep kicking against the pricks, Griff xo

5

ADSPICE CORNER Dear Posh Spice, I’d like to think of myself as a pretty modern woman, however I’m not sure which is the most appropriate tone to use when speaking to gay men. I mean, they hate me and my vagina, so why should I? Clothilde Dear Clothilde, Being a modern woman has only two requirements. One: duckface. Two: a gay bestie.

I just so happened to marry mine, because I’m asexual and still wanted children so I could teach them to breakdance and enact a particularly malevolent brand of child abuse in the form of naming my kids Brooklyn, Cruz, Harper and Romeo. Lulz. David does indeed hate my vagina, but I in turn hate his 1998 blonde tips and small eyes. It’s about working through these things. Just make sure he knows that he should always be jealous of you, not the other way round. ALL GAY MEN WISH THEY WERE WOMEN, OKAY?

Dear Kwan, Most people seem to think I’m a lesbian just because I collaborated with Lisa Left eye Lopez on a song featuring the lyrics ‘It’s not a secret anymore, now we’ve opened up the door’. And yet no one remembers my other high profile celebrity collaboration, the steamy upbeat love anthem ‘When You’re Gone’ with Ryan Adams.

RYAN ADAMS, GUYS. So if that doesn’t vindicate my heterosexuality, I don’t know what does.

Anyway, now that we’ve established I like the D, I can tell you, Trish, that Vince seems like an old fashioned kinda guy. Let him do the courting.

Abrupt girl flirting NEVER works, trust me. Once I developed a pretty big crush on my steroids dealer, and I got SO HUGE because I kept buying way more than I needed so I could find excuses to see him in the hope of asking him out. When I eventually plucked up the courage, I had a beard so full that he didn’t even recognize me and bashed me up for being a ‘poof’.

Sincerely,

Kisses, PB Dear Geri, What is your ideal cross-brand collaboration?

From Satan Hi Satan, I’m a really big fan of Obey clothing and skatewear. Their edgy, provocative graphics and flattering baggy designs really appeal to my discreet sense of fashion. On the other hand, I’m also a massive fan of Scorsese. I think his directorial oeuvre would really benefit from a streetwear fashion injection. I’m thinking, SCORSESE X OBEY: Connoisseurs of Violence.

We get, like, cow blood to marble-dye a range of organic cotton t-shirts, and stilettos with the heel made of bullets. And then we can take some like traditional gangster icons like the pinstripe suit and wingtips, but turn them into street wear. Someone sign me up for kickstarter, yo!

Love Ginger Dear Mel C, Two weeks ago, Vince touched my leg at a party, but then left early before I could get drunk enough to reveal my true feelings. Then last Sunday, we hugged for slightly longer than usual. We carpool all the time and he once complimented me on my great vocabulary.

Should I ask him out, or condemn myself to loneliness forever?

From Kwan

6

Sporty Hetero Spice Dear Baby Spice, I want to travel to Israel in December, but apparently that’s right in the middle of rainy season. The only other place I want to visit in the world is Korea, to ski, in February. The two aren’t really close together in either location or dates. How can I arrange my extravagant travel desires into something that gives me

new perspective on the world, and/or cheap flights?

Randolf I dunno man Emma Dear Mel B, What’s the best way to launch your own celebrity fragrance line when you’re not actually a celebrity?

Dave Dear Dave, Doiiii! The answer is staring you in the face. The best way to launch a celebrity fragrance line is to actually become a celebrity, obvi. If you’ve already considered that, but decided it’s too hard, THINK AGAIN. I started this world as a huskyvoiced scouser with an afro, which, granted, I still am…but now I’m rich. My fame may have waned a little after the spice girls, but I clawed my way back into the headlines by man-trapping Eddie Murphy and landing a job on The Voice where I get to tell other people how to sing. I love irony. Once you’ve tackled the celebrity part, I’d get in contact with a few venture capitalists and try to get up to speed with current trends and make a full report on market viability.

Once your business model is secure, you can start examining share portfolios of potential investors and set a date for a launch with leading department stores.

God Speed, Scary

CLASSIFIEDS PERSONALS I was pissing in the reflection pond after Guild Ball and I saw you, sitting on a bench, drinking pilfered. Your rich, creamy accent filled me with lust and confusion. Is that Afrikaaner? Dutch?

Thai? Tell me yours and I’ll show you mine.

Brenda, Arts During guild elections you promised me the world if I voted for you. You said we’d have a great 2014, anywhere on campus. I don’t care about the Subway. I want you. Joginder LOST PROPERTY Little Red Corvette. Last seen parked sideways, Saturday night, right down to the ground. sexxyminneapoprince@gmail.com Seventy copies of Hoop Dreams: Collectors Edition. Features the unreleased score that Andre Agassi wrote for it (motion picture composition debut). 454 Redfern St North Perth 6006. Reward offered.

FOR SALE

WANTED One (1) Edward Snowden. Not gonna do anything to him. Juuuust wanna talk. Flowers

By Irene, 9 35 Pennsylvania Avenue NW in Washington, D.C The Clarkson Slutshamers Rollerderby Team need members for the 2014 season! The only proudly all-man rollerderby squad in Perth.

Destroy destroying the joint! toughfucker@ slutshamerollerderby.com Panflautist for New Age Limp Bizkit cover band. Must want to break stuff, in a soothing fashion. Call Sudhiya 9999 99322 Straight up kissing people on the neck. Telling girls you like them! How does one? I need the Woman. Understand? Troy B. 0452500043 COMMUNITY GROUPS The internet: a lawless place of hate. Sounds like a job for the Zuckerboys, the internet Boy Scouts! Duties involve: Yahoo answering,

Apple troubleshooting, Vice forum argument defusing, pc4pc. Perks include uniforms, achievement badges and close online mentoring with older users. Want to help spread the love? admin@zuckerboys.com

Sequel to the critically acclaimed Tame Impala fanfiction porno Bonerism is now in production. Women in headdresses, surfers req. for Mind Fistchief. Gumby@ sinpalaproductions.com JOBS Pelican secretary. Must be 9’4, smell like honey, press 120kg. Previous applicants need not apply. pelican@guild. uwa.edu.au Smirnoff Promotional Organ Harvester Community Liaison, based in Bali. Roles include promoting the product in bars to tourists, hostessing at private functions, private shows, kidney removal. Must have RSA, will to travel, surgical experience.

James@smirnoffpromotions.com.au

Picture by Harry Quinlan

MS of all engineering exams for S2 2014. Am selling in protest at the veneration ‘Twiggy’

Forrest is receiving due to his donation. $65 million dollars o.n.o.

7

8

N00DZ Favourite Pelican memory: That time Brad gave me a lift in the boot of his ute. I still have the mark on my pants.

If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be? Gil Gunderson.

What’s a medical condition you wish you had? My brother had malaria once, so not that.

Sexiest staff member on campus? Until he retired, Gareth Griffiths. Jenna Mead is pretty foxy, but.

What’s your favourite item on the menu at McDonald’s? They are obliged to provide you with free water.

Signature dance move: “The typewriter”.

Patent pending.

Favourite Pelican editor: The good-looking one.

What should the UWA guild bring in instead of Subway? A Thunderdome. Who doesn’t want to see economics students bludgeon each other to death?

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? Man! I Feel Like a Woman! by Shania Twain. Country pop rock doesn’t get any better.

Name: Zoe Kilbourn Studying: studying? what… is How do you contribute to Pelican: books editing, Turkish bread that one time Favourite Pelican memory: pummelling, not cutting, a birthday cake at Billy Lee’s If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be? the lovechild of Bleeding Gums and Maud Flanders What’s a medical condition you wish you had? foreign accent syndrome Sexiest staff member on campus? that Reid café barrista. you know the one. they don’t wear name tags, I checked What’s your favourite item on the menu at McDonald’s? Filet o’ Fish Signature dance move: flail Favourite Pelican editor: Margaret. I’m so sorry, Margaret.

What should the UWA guild bring in instead of Subway? dexamphetamine sushi train What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? classic Labor jingle “It’s Time”

Name: Connor Weightman Pelican contribution: music section editor Favourite pelican memory: you’re all fucking great Signature dance move: the Flail Funeral song: Rilo Kiley - the Frug

Name: Simon Donnes Studying: LolArts How do you contribute to Pelican: cVulture editor and debutant Diet consists of: Breaking Bad and pork scratchings.

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral: Ice Cube – Today was a Good Day Favourite Pelican memory: Belting ‘Kiss from a Rose’ off the balcony with a small choir’s worth of other contributors.

Name: Matthew Green Studying: English/History How do you contribute to Pelican: By not turning up to meetings and winning all the awards.

9

N00DZ

Name: Caitlin Frunks Studying: Geography How do you contribute to Pelican: Have ideas, never follow through with them Favourite Pelican memory: What I remember of the Pelican prom If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? An online quiz I did said I was like Marge What’s a medical condition you wish you had?

Is this a trick question?

Sexiest staff member on campus? Me, duh.

What’s your favourite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? Hash browns Signature dance move: I can do the Macarena faster than anyone I know Favourite pelican editor: Margaret

Name: Mason Rothwell Studying: Psychology How do you contribute to Pelican: Stealing food from the writer’s nights.

Favourite Pelican memory? Attempting to steal the balloon arch with Lucy Ballantyne and Michael Trown at Pelican Prom.

If you were a Simpsons character who would you be? Lenny Sexiest staff member on campus? The grumpy dude at accounting.

What’s your favourite item on the menu at McDonald’s? quarter pounder however the quarter of a pound is the uncooked weight.

Signature dance move? Crying.

Favourite Pelican editor? Kat Gillespie will take ANY photo of me at McDonald’s, and so my hands are tied.

What should the UWA Guild bring in instead of subway? A Nando’s with the menu and pricing of a McDonald’s What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? The Sex & the City Theme Tune

Name: Lucy Ballantyne Studying: Third Year Arts How do you contribute to Pelican: Reluctantly.

Favourite Pelican memory? Snowballing with Richard at the Pelican Prom.

If you were a Simpsons character who would you be? Carl Sexiest staff member on campus? Still lamenting the loss of Dan Brown.

10

What’s your favourite item on the menu at McDonald’s? Hashbrowns Signature dance move? “The Bowler’s Run” Favourite Pelican editor? The Chronicles of Marnia.

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? Simply The Best.

Name: Elisa Thompson Studying: Honours in Anthropology How do you contribute to Pelican: Words and wisdom Favourite Pelican memory: Once at a Pelican event a naked man in a bathtub yelled at me. I wouldn’t say it’s my favourite memory, but it is a memory.

If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? I asked my housemates and they said Nelson Muntz...

What’s a medical condition you wish you had?

Apparently there’s a condition where your body absorbs too much calcium. You essentially end up with wicked strong bones.

Sexiest staff member on campus? I hear there’s a yummy Swedish professor who lectures in something med related What’s your favourite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? Hot apple pie get in me Signature dance move: White man shuffle Favourite pelican editor: I can still remember what Marnie looks like in pigtails – how could I not choose her?

What should the uwa guild bring in instead of subway? Tutti Frutti!

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? The Beatles – I’m Only Sleeping

Name: James Munt Studying: English How do you contribute to Pelican: With love If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be? Moe What should the UWA Guild bring in instead of Subway? A petting zoo

Name: Gideon Sacks Studying: Psychology How do you contribute to Pelican: Organizing the pelican photo competitions and taxiing the license-less editors home.

Favourite Pelican memory: Pelican Prom.

What do you do when you’re not writing for Pelican? Listening to klezmer music, eating bagels, attending Bar-mitzvahs and kvetching about the woes of my people.

If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? Kodos or Kang What’s your favorite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? The psychosocial role of late night fast food.

Signature dance move: Both index fingers pointing up in the air, awkwardly alternating in an up/down motion. The expression on my face says I know its terrible but I’m rolling with it for the sake of irony.

Favourite pelican editor: The sexy one with the pale skin.

What should the uwa guild bring in instead of subway – a bounty on the heads of those thieving kookaburras outside the Scibrary!

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? Veridis Quo from Daft Punk’s Discovery album.

Name: Wade McCagh Studying: Politics/International Relations How do you contribute to Pelican: I do that part with the films and the reviewing and the

three stars out of five, ga-hey!

Favourite Pelican memory: Richard professing a love for apartheid at writers night, then immediately recoiling in horror after realising what his mouth had just said. Also, Nelson Mandela not dying, just to spite him.

If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? Diamond Joe Quimby, as I’m no longer illiterate.

What’s a medical condition you wish you had? Marfan syndrome, so I could nail those sweet Rachmaninoff concertos and do a better Bradford Cox impersonation.

Sexiest staff member on campus?

David Van Mill – A freshman crush that has gone the distance of my bachelor degree.

What’s your favourite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? McDouble – Anything priced at $1 per patty is a good deal.

Signature dance move: Awkward gyration and head thrusting. Similar to how I walk.

Favourite pelican editor: Connor – he’s so dreamy and mysterious.

What should the uwa guild bring in instead of subway Froyo – Only so I can do that Treehouse of Horror bit and eventually break one of the staff members into a full psychotic breakdown.

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? Dying Crapshooters Blues by Blind Willie McTell

Name: Daniel Werndly Studying: Genetics and Archaeology Favourite Pelican memory: interpretive dance at prom If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? Milhouse. Every damn time.

What’s a medical condition you wish you had?

Lycanthropy, that’s a thing right?

Sexiest staff member on campus: Nicki Mitchell Favourite item on the menu at McDonald’s: Big Mac. I’m a man of simple tastes.

Signature dance move: the squat and jive What should the UWA guild bring in instead of subway: Shirley’s Sandwiches

11

N00DZ

Name: Lachlan ‘Don’t call me Lachlan’ Palamara Studying: Mass Communications Majoring in Advertising and Procrastination How do you contribute to Pelican: Not only do I contribute my A-Grade video game and tv reviews, I also send naked photo regularly.

If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? If I were a Simpsons character, probably Lionel Hutz “I’m not wearing a tie at all” Song at my funeral: Celine Dion’s - I Am Alive (Just to fuck with people)

Name: Brad Griffin Studying: Honors in History as part of an Arts/Education degree How do you contribute to Pelican: reviews and cool shit Favourite Pelican memory: the prom, though I can’t remember much If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? Gil What’s a medical condition you wish you had? Bonus eruptus Sexiest staff member on campus? Brenda Walker What’s your favourite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? All of the things with meat Signature dance move: ‘The BG’ Favourite pelican editor: uhhhhhhh What should the uwa guild bring in instead of subway? A god damn ATM at Reid, or make them have no eftpos minimum. Seriously I don’t give a shit about anything else just do that.

What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? Can’t Stop Me Now – Queen. Why does it have to be a somber affair?

Name: Kat Gillespie Studying: As many dud level one units as I can How do you contribute to Pelican: I donated a toasted sandwich press to the office Favourite Pelican memory: Simon If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be? Hans Moleman What’s a medical condition you wish you had? I wish I was a ‘people person’

12

Sexiest staff member on campus?

Whoever is available and wearing tweed What’s your favourite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? The limited edition Son of Mac burger ($2.50) Signature dance move: Apathetic nutbush Favourite pelican editor: It’s like picking a favourite parent (Marnie) What should the uwa guild bring in instead of subway? A fromagerie What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? Rock Lobster by the B52’s

Name: Jacob Rutherford How do you contribute to Pelican: Fighting game review If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be? Comic book guy What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? T-Rex – The Slider

Name: Thea Walton Studying: BA/BCom How Do You Contribute to Pelican? Each month, I dry off my tear-stained diary, rip out the pages which contain the most visually emotive passages, and send them to Marnie and Alex in an envelope sealed with a kiss.

What is your spirit animal? Miley Cyrus’ foam finger.

Your Tip for a sexy summer bod: Replace actual sex with exercise, swap your boyfriend’s reassuring compliments for constant self-doubt, and drink gin instead of eating dinner.

Hottest song of the year: She Was Asking for It,

by Robin Thickie Will this photo jeopardise your efforts to run for the Australian Senate in 2024? God, I hope so.

Name: Marnie “Derection” Allen Studying: How long I can possibly take to do a 3 year BA How do you contribute to Pelican: Coddle everyone and draw anatomically incorrect pictures Favourite Pelican memory: Banter with Henry If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be?

Hank Scorpio Signature dance move: The ‘burrow’- exactly what it sounds like Favourite pelican editor: Patrick Marlborough because he bought me a trampoline and Tom Reynolds because he’s sassy <3 What should the UWA guild bring in instead of subway: Dance Dance Revolution and a froyo bar What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? One Sweet Day- Mariah Carey ft.

Boys II Men

What’s your favourite item on the menu at Mcdonald’s? Hashbrowns Signature dance move: the loose bruce Favourite pelican editor: Lachlan Keeley What should the uwa guild bring in instead of subway? Smoking rooms on campus (like in airports) What song would you choose to be played at your funeral? TISM – Greg! The Stop Sign!!! (esp. if I die in a car accident)

Name: Hugh Manning Studying: Anthropology/History How do you contribute to Pelican: Reviews, beers Favourite Pelican memory: kissing Griff If you were a simpsons character, who would you be? Barney Sexiest staff member on campus? Ethan Blue, hands down

Name: Griff Studying: Revolution, Industrialisation and the Chav (Hons.)

How do you contribute to Pelican: apparently editing a magazine is 9/10ths figuring out what days there are free sausage sizzles on campus, so go figure Favourite Pelican memory: Any one of the times we blasted “You’re the Voice” in full singalong - as far as I’m concerned, there will be no ‘last time’, Farnham If you were a Simpsons character, who would you be? Darryl Strawberry Signature dance move: the Whiplash™ Favourite pelican editor: Richard, for inspiring in me a level of Zen PTSD usually only found by monks in the seconds after they’ve set themselves alight What should the Guild bring in instead of Subway? Grok

13

CAN YOU GIVE THIS ARTICLE A CATCHY TITLE? (EXPLORING THE RISE OF CROWDSOURCING)

by Ben Sacks We often find ourselves facing situations where we need some kind of service or idea and the problem at hand is one that would be best solved by many people. In my case, by very many people indeed. Motivated by a potent mix of civic responsibility, the desire to be mentally stimulated and (occasionally) the lure of a cash prize, people become veritable worker bees itching to contribute to the cause. In an age of widespread digital access, outsourcing these kinds of problems to the faceless masses of the interwebz – the crowd – can be an effective strategy for companies and institutions as well as individuals.

Picture by Marnie Allen

There are a number of motivations for crowdsourcing. First and foremost, a wellexecuted operation allows crowdsourcers to gather large numbers of solutions and information at a relatively inexpensive cost.

Unsurprisingly, companies jump at the chance to get people talking about their products and doing work for them. In 2007 Pepsi offered a $10,000 prize to design the new look of the drink in the US. Around 100,000 designs were submitted and Pepsi saved a stack of cash.

14

Scientists have also started to tap into the enthusiastic online hordes. So-called ‘citizen science’ enlists the online community to help with the legwork of time-consuming research projects.

An app called ‘eBird’ allows birdwatchers to record their sightings and contribute towards a year-round view of bird populations around the world.

Moreover, crowds have been used to translate an extensive collection of papyrus scrolls, classify newly

discovered galaxies and to spot patterns in genetic codes. In each case the amount of complex data is simply too great for scientists to interpret by themselves.

As well as providing not-so-menial brainpower, the crowd can be an effective source of funding.

Joe YouTuber tends to be a less exacting taskmaster than traditional financiers, and more likely to support something that screams ‘cool’ more than ‘profitable’. Take video game developers, for example. Development budgets for A-grade games have risen to the point that big publishers increasingly take the safe option of churning out endless sequels to alreadypopular titles in big-selling genres (i.e. shooters and sports simulators). Combine a restless audience with bored, overworked and creatively stifled developers, and it is little wonder that fan-funded game development is becoming a popular alternative. According to a 2012 Economist report, 8 of the top 10 projects on Kickstarter, a prominent crowdfunding website, are games-related. Authors and musicians also use Kickstarter and similar platforms to pitch their ideas to the crowd and raise money for their work.

My personal favourite is civic crowdfunding, where people pledge small donations online to improve their neighbourhoods. Parks and playgrounds are popular projects, and community centres, city-centre wifi and even skyscrapers have been partly funded in this way. This kind of funding arrangement is not new – the pedestal for the Statue of Liberty was paid for by private donations after the authorities ran out of funds – but has become much easier and open in the Internet age.

Civic crowdfunding is no silver bullet, however.

Novel projects often capture the collective public imagination, but boring, functional infrastructure (think parking spaces) is a much harder sell. In other words, the crowd of people does exactly what you would expect a crowd to do. Crowdfunding also favours some neighbourhoods over others. In the US city of Colorado Springs, the cash-strapped city council relied on private donations to keep services running. Some neighbourhoods could afford these basic services while others could not, and the results included 1/3 of the city’s streetlights being switched off and the cessation of bus services and park maintenance in some (poorer) areas.

Indeed, these issues hint at broader problems with the concept of crowdsourcing. Critics claim that crowdsourcing arrangements exploit individuals in the crowd. For example, crowdsourcing marketplaces such as the Amazon Mechanical Turk allow companies to outsource simple, repetitive tasks such as identifying performers on a CD for a few cents a shot. In so doing they create a “digital sweatshop” where the pay is far below minimum wage. In many cases, companies simply use crowdsourcing as a gimmicky way of procuring free labour for stuff they don’t want to do themselves.

Another problem is quality control – if you outsource a task to enthusiastic but notnecessarily-qualified people, there is always a danger that they’ll mess it up. All the good will in the world proved to be inadequate when Facebook crowdsourced the translation of its services in 2008. Spanish speakers, in particular, were exasperated by the results, which confused the word for “makes” or “does” with “barbecue” and somewhat ironically used the incorrect word for “language”. When the crowd takes on more critical problems, such as trying to identify the Boston bombing suspects on CCTV, then these mistakes can have more serious consequences.

Dozens of innocent people were labelled as “suspects” by anonymous Reddit and 4Chan users, and their shoddy detective work eventually led to two high school students having their faces plastered across the front page of the New York Post.

In the end, however, the most pervasive problem may simply be that crowds are still large groups of human beings milling around on the Internet. While most of the errors in Facebook’s translations were innocent mistakes, some were rather more mischievous.

A group of Turkish pranksters submitted bogus translations so that a Facebook IM error message was rendered in Turkish as “Your message could not be sent because of your tiny penis”. In Detroit, the city’s bankruptcy means that half the streetlights are out, public schools and transport are struggling and the police and fire departments are running on fumes. Civic crowdfunding has been proposed as part of the solution, but the first project to reach its funding target was… a statue of Robocop in the city centre.

The company Grilled Cheezus raised $25,000 on Kickstarter to get their business up and running. That business sells toasted sandwich grills that print the face of Our Lord and Saviour onto your Sandwich of Turin. You’re all jerks

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A SINGLE LADY

by Thea Walton

Logical, amicable break-ups are the fucking worst. They leave you just as sad and upset as a bad break-up, but because your exboyfriend didn’t cheat on you, lie to you, or call your favourite outfit “a bit dated”, you can’t anger-fuck your way out of your depression. I couldn’t justify using more conventional methods of dealing with a break-up like blocking my ex on facebook, or burning his photos and personal effects under a sage bush in a graveyard during a full moon. I also found it hard to be comforted by the great break-up ballads of our time. The powerful lyrics of Gloria Gaynor and Adele were forged in a darker and more hopeless place than I had ever been. My ex-boyfriend was not “trouble when [he] walked in”. I did not understand Taylor Swift’s pain.

Reflecting back on the past year, as I clawed my way out from under a rock of selfdoubt and Ben & Jerry’s™ to emerge a more sexually aware version of Single Thea Walton circa 2009, I realise that what helped me through this time was the team of people surrounding me. With the poise and mild arrogance of a graduation speech by Tim Minchin, I feel that it is only right that I now pay tribute to my “team”, who have helped transform me into a proper single woman, like a group of university students studying fashion, hair and make-up would transform their bffs for an amateur fashion parade.

My family, of course, was always there to help me “keep it real”. There was never

any room for boyfriend talk when more important discussions were to be had, like assessing the state of Australian politics, or debating the motivations of Downton Abbey characters. I’m not saying that I don’t come from a loving family, but our conversations are about as emotionally charged as Clint Eastwood’s dialogue in any film where he plays a disaffected policeman.

Efforts by my mum to facilitate some form of heart-to-heart can be pretty effectively summarised by the following quote: “Your dad tried to break up with me once. I didn’t let him. Maybe I should have? Oh wait, no, then you wouldn’t have been born.” Nothing like facing your own mortality on a Sunday afternoon to really put into perspective your first serious relationship.

Can’t anger-fuck I don’t think it’s possible to truly understand the value of a single friend until you are single yourself. While in a relationship, I thought of my single friends as magical creatures, full of boundless energy and an unfathomable desire to go outside on a Saturday night, like drunken unicorns looking for a good time. You only need one or two really good single friends help guide you on the path towards Singleton Nirvana.

They’re the ones who will force you to take the extra tequila shot, or push you that extra step towards the group of guys dancing near the toilets. You watch them as they calmly make-out their way across the dance floor, leaving a trail of broken hearts in their wake.

They give you something to aspire to, a dream to reach for. And you can make-out with them if you’re craving human affection, kinda like your own real-life Barbie™ Doll.

reach, and it is your responsibility to have done at least six promiscuous things before breakfast, in order to allow them to live vicariously through your exploits. Friends in relationships really know how to make a single girl feel special, even when she had to do a walk of shame essentially blind after she’d taken out her contacts the night before.

Finally, there are the failed recruits. The tutor with the really great bum. The frat boy who thought life was a porno. The Oxford grad who was probably an alcoholic. The nursing student who was an alcoholic. The guy(s) I made out with in the back of a cab.

The engineer, the Jew, the philosopher, the chorister, the floor manager, the exboyfriend. For a long time, I tried to get any man who passed through my life to join my team, looking for a connection where there wasn’t one. I consider myself lucky that I repel straight men more readily than period talk does. It wasn’t until I stopped wondering whether he was interested, or if he was going to kiss me, that I was able to fully appreciate how amazing and supportive my “team” was already. They have helped me understand Beyonce’s lyrics on a deeper level, and for that alone I am grateful.

Of course, friends in relationships have their merits too. They watch you on the sidelines, from the comfort of their Queen-sized beds, cheering you on as you stumble from one bad life decision to the next. You’re like their own personalized HBO telemovie, a sexy and gritty drama that they can turn over to the X-Factor from if there’s too much blood, or stale dialogue. You are their connection to that “other” world, just beyond their

Clint Eastwood was fired by Universal Studios in 1954 for having an oversized Adam’s Apple. He also once dug swimming pools for a living.

Picture by Lauren Wiszniewski

My relationship with my ex-boyfriend lasted just under two-and-a-half years, and it was a good one. We were open and honest in our communication, held mutual respect for one another, and our strengths complimented each other’s weaknesses.

If we weren’t having sex, we would have been an exceptionally productive and highperforming addition to your corporation’s workforce. Our break-up was as healthy and positive as the rest of our relationship. Since I was heading to America to spend a year on exchange, discover myself and get really drunk, we decided that it was only rational for us to end things. The whole process was all very mature and civilized. The 7.30 Report was probably playing in the background when it happened, the soothing voice of Leigh Sales perfectly harmonising with our placid break-up conversation.

15

TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES: AN EXPLORATORY TALE

by Michael Trown

PLOT TWIST: Yes I do.

Pass Mr. Ball Person whose name comes first alphabetically starts off with Mr. Ball. All participants sit in a circle*. They then pass Mr. Ball to the person on the left. This person then passes Mr. Ball along to their left. Repeat this process until everyone is BFFLZ.

Every time Ruth doesn’t get the point Every time a pigeon and/or river is on screen Every time someone falls off a boat Every time Milhouse gets his groove back Every time someone blinks

Rinse and/or repeat until the end of the show Fun Note: To mix things up, this game can also be played with methylated spirits. However, this is not recommended, as the ability to see is a prised commodity in today’s global economy.

Lilac robes with silver trim

Egg and Spoon race Place one soft or medium soft boiled egg on a spoon of your choice. Player 1 then runs counter clockwise around player 2 until the egg drops. An alternative to this game involves substituting an egg for another spoon, or even two spoons. It’s really all up to you as an individual, get creative and quirky, let that positive creative energy flow out from within like a fjord.

Zombie Apocalypse Vaccinate the entire group against a deadly airbourne virus, and release it into mainstream society. Not only will you will quickly learn how to function as a team, you will also get a great workout too! You will also learn who can be trusted, and who cannot (but that’s ok because any unproductive team member can simply be eaten for sustenance).

Group Exorcism Group exorcisms are a great way to develop unity through repelling a demonic presence. Feeling shy? Satan’s got your tongue?

Not for much longer!

Ingredients: • A participant who is likely to be most sinful (preferably someone from a ‘weird’ religion or someone who has caught homosexual).

• Lilac robes with silver trim (Crimson is out, pastels are so in) • White sage • A conductive metal object (e.g. coat hanger) • 1/2 Cup Self-Raising Flour • 1 Cup Soy Milk Start by combining all dry ingredients in a mixing bowl. Sift slowly with metal object until the lumps have disappeared. Add milk, and stir for another 2 minutes. Place in oven on 220ºF and cook for 15 minutes or until no longer moist. Your cake is now ready to eat. Enjoy!

Handy tip: Before releasing deadly viruses into society, make sure it complies with your workplace or university Occupational Health & Safety Standards. The last thing you want is a pesky lawsuit!

Group Sexorcism Same as above but everyone is naked Team Building Drinking Game Nothing helps build camaraderie like drinking games. Put on your favourite episode of Seinfeld, dim the lights, and drink to the following rules: • Every time Gail says ‘That’s not my baloney’

16

• • • • •

floor, and defeat Zylorg, by piercing his three hearts simultaneously. Only then can the reign of destruction end.

Handy tip: TransWA now offers return trips to the tower of Zylorg for only $54 return, with discounts for groups of 8 or more members. Remember to book early during the holiday season, as seats fill up fast.

Party in the U.N.I. Everyone put your hands up, They are playing your song, The butterflies, incidentally, are flying away Simultaneously nod your head and hips in a ‘yeah’ like fashion Your hands are still up They are still playing your song Yeah, it’s a party in the U.N.I. Yeah, it’s a party in the U.N.I. Get creative!

Everyone claps or something, idk.

There you have it! A list of fun and flirty team building team building activities to bring smiles to your many faces and warm your icey breakey heart. No more will you worry how to make friends at work or university, the hard work is already done for you! So go forth my children, spread the good word of the team building exercise and let the knowledge shine like a beacon.

Xoxo Gossip Girl

Two truths and a cry Everyone goes around in a circle, telling two true facts about themselves, as well as reliving one traumatic experience from the past. Continue until everyone has relived emotional scars. Do not fight the tears, just let it all out. Let the tears win.

The tears will only make you stronger, together you can get through this, I believe in you. You are beautiful.

*You may wonder why a circle is the optimum shape for team building exercises. It all boils down to years of research showing that sitting in a circular fashion allows for positive energy to flow clockwise, much like a clock, prematurely ageing participants and hence making people overall much wiser.

Circle Jerk I don’t know what this is, but it sounds like fun.

Defeat Zylorg of Ma’tra-Nhua Journey southeast across the Plains of Sorrows, then east through the Forest of Kularix, and follow the Road of Brondis until you find the Lilac River of Mu-al’a’ua’u. There, you will find a beautiful siren, with hair as long as golden as a summer breeze. Do not be fooled by her beauty, you must slay her, and take the scroll of Endion. Next, head southwest to the Savannah of the Damned, where you will see Zylorgs tower.

Make your way to the tower, head to the top

‘Bible Smugglers’ is a team-building exercise promoted on the source for youth ministry.com that ‘gets kids to solidify what they’ve learned concerning the salvation message’.

Picture by Akima Lateef

It is unanimously accepted that just about everyone ever just loves team building exercises.

Also known sometimes as ice breakers, they are recommended by all top doctors, warlocks, and other similar professionals as a healthy and fun way to spruce up your uni tutorial or workplace.

But what are some good team building exercises, you may be asking. Well, I don’t know any.

TEAM WORK! – Can We Overcome Australia’s Dark History of Slavery?

In 1968 my dad formed a band called Kanaka Labour. The name was a tongue-in-cheek reference to Australia’s history of indentured labour across our north. Unfortunately the system of indentured servitude the band was named after was far more long-lived than that band, which existed mainly to play weddings and impress girls with grossly oversized rented Marshall stacks. Yup. Welcome to the teamwork (and by team work I mean teams of men treated like animals) that formed Australia’s sordid history of slavery.

Indentured servitude began in the British American colonies, where a farm-owner would pay for the trip from Britain to America for a teenager. This youth would work for several years to pay off the debt of the ticket, and then be free to pursue their desires. This kind of servitude took on a whole new form when seen through the attitudes of racism and Social Darwinism that became prevalent in the 1860s. The British had outlawed slavery in their possessions in 1837. But wherever there was a dollar to be made at the expense of non-whites, those wily Brits were never far behind, and the pearling industry in northwestern Australia was a classic example of this. Starting in the 1860s, pearling ship captains based in Broome would kidnap or coerce young Aborigines – some as young as 10 or so – and impress them into service. Young Aborigines were the favorite choice because they were the most easily exploited people in the colony. While the few Europeans that were employed by the pearling industry received the bearable wage of £7-8 per month with a bonus of £4-6 for each ton of shells collected, Aboriginal workers were paid with tobacco, clothes and rations. This practice of refusing to pay Indigenous Australians in currency would continue well into the 20th century, with Indigenous servicemen in WWII receiving blankets and tobacco. (Land of the egalitarian dream indeed.)

From the 1860s until as late as 1914, indigenous people from Queensland, the Northern Territory, Western Australia and numerous Micronesian, Melanesian and Polynesian islands were forced into service in various parts of the British Empire’s Pacific possessions, mainly in Queensland. The reasons for this were numerous. The first was that it was not believed that Europeans could

work effectively in the tropical north of Queensland, and secondly, that Europeans demanded too much for that kind of work anyway. So, just like today (see the Mexican maquiladora), the solution was to simply hire people of color to do the work.

Queensland’s 1868 Polynesian Labourers Act created a system of indentured labour.

It essentially outlined three-year contracts whereby the employee was paid £6 per year – or at least they were meant to be. Many descendants of these indentured servants today believe that wages were often not paid at all. Compare those wages to those of the European pearl divers on the west coast. Even if they were paid, it surely wasn’t enough to get by on.

The true end of indentured labour in Australia’s northeast came just after federation in 1901. One of the first acts of Australia’s newly minted parliament was the implementation of the White Australia Policy. This was a problem for the Australian government: They wanted a white country, but what were they to do with all of those darned blacks (about 9,000) toiling relentlessly in the cane fields of Queensland? Their solution was the creation of reverse boat people – mass deportation based on the color of their skin.

Does that sound chillingly familiar? Some of these labourers had been away from their home country for so long that they would no longer be considered a native of that land.

Nevertheless, according to the National Archives of Australia, they could be deported even if they “feared death in their home country.”

Once again, sound familiar? Between 1906 and 1908, over 7,000 labourers were deported back to their homeland – many unpaid, some invalid

due to hard labour, all demoralized and all delivered to an uncertain fate.

Australia has a pretty formidable history when it comes to awful treatment of people of indigenous and mixed ancestry. It was only in 1962 that they received the vote in Western Australia, and 1965 in Queensland. When the 1967 referendum on legislating for the benefit of Aborigines passed, nearly 20% of Western Australians voted against it. Nevertheless, it passed. I supposed we’ve gotten a bit sidetracked from teams in this brief historical account of Australia’s experience with teams of slaves and their abhorrent mistreatment.

However, at the present day it all comes back to teamwork. All Australians, whether white or black, migrant or native, must work as a team to remedy the mistakes and the crimes of the past, and also those of today. There is no single piece of legislation, no single grant of money that can fix the systemic problems facing Australia and its history of cruelty.

Teamwork, guys.

Historians estimate that the state of Queensland alone owes around $500 million to Aboriginal people. Some individuals are owed close to half a million dollars in today’s terms.

Picture by Akima Lateef

by Brad Griffin

17

#SORRYMUM

by Emily Purvis

I have a twin brother and though he’s male, when I tell people I often get the whole ‘oh so are you identical?’ query, especially from guy’s in general conversation with grins that generally exhibit varying degrees of seed. Ew. Anyway, we are (and have been since birth), two not-quite-so-metaphorical peas of the same pod. We may hate each other, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t one-in-the-same, two-sides-of-the-samecoin and various other dichotomy cliche’s you can think up yourselves. I could always count on him to be my partner-in-crime.

Ok, I’ll stop now.

It’s true though. I don’t know if it was the sharing of the womb, or the bunk-bed until we were ten, or the mutual beatings endured after sticking our little noses into fun and forbidden things, but Elliot and I are pretty close. Just not in a weird, American southern-farming ‘keep it in the family‘ kinda way. And when people ask, ‘do you have like, a connection?’ I kind of feel like telling them that yes. Yes we do. In fact, we have one that transcends the incorporeal. One that goes above and beyond the emotional, the spiritual, the transcendent. One that connects my fist to his face when ever he so much as thinks about eating whatever delicious thing I’ve been saving for myself (or maybe just because I feel like it sometimes). But anyway, we still kind of do. I can remember as kids we used to eat dirt together, or draw on the walls together, or torture our dog together, or play in the street together. Whenever Mum would find out, we’d be like ‘Oh shit!’ and he would go toddling off one way and I would go toddling off the other. Then Mum would be screaming and we would be giggling and she was always too tired at the end of running after one that she’d not beat the other as much. And it kind of worked. I mean, until we got too

18

big, less cute and Mum no longer cared that we played games in the busy intersection, or that there was snail pellets in the garden, or that Lady was half dingo and could potentially maul our baby faces off (the poor thing).

It was also great to have a similarly sized counter-part to use as a scapegoat whenever my mischievously diabolical plans turned south. Quite often I can remember Mum coming out wielding the wooden spoon, like some kind of deranged botanist seeking retribution for the damage done to her poor chrysanthemum’s. She’s a mad bitch (literally, sometimes), and having Elliot there to deflect her rage was a convenience I never fully appreciated until he moved out and I was the sole focus of our Mothers raging fury. It was a hard few years. But we’re bigger now and though it’s harder to convince my brother to eat disgusting things, we still kind-of get along. A few weeks ago I found a copy of Monopoly on

sale at Kmart (yes, I shop at Kmart, Haters) and dragged it all the way up to Mum’s so I could Monopolize the shit out of my equally as intelligent, yet infinitely stupider twin. I knew it would happen. It’s been said, Monopoly is the game that rips families apart, and it rips my family apart because I’m the one that always wins. It’s a fact, I can’t help it. As per usual, things started off well, I rolled the highest so got to go first, and Elliot was made banker by default of the fact it’s an occupation that both rhymes and is synonymous with the word ‘wanker’. My families banal, so what? And then the game really starts and by some sick twist of fate Elliot and I just ended up in jail the whole time. No joke. It was like a rendition of every single naughty-corner/grounded/time-out moment in our short, insignificant twin lives. It was made only more authentic as Mum cackled and rhapsodized over her own success and quaffed down the end of her second bottle of wine. Ah, fond memories.

You’re only young once, huh?

40% of twins invent their own language. My twin brother and I had a private, unique language (idioglossia) up until the age of four that was primarily seal noises. It was flippin’ cute.

SEXY TEAM SEX

by Greta McEwan

First Things First The most important element of any relationship but especially non-monogamous sexual relationships is transparent communication. Communication is job #1.

Speaking frankly is difficult at the best of times, and everyone fears judgment when talking about sex (except for the cockiest of pricks). You gotta be clear about what you want in both the short and long term. This is a scary thing, but it gets easier with practice and rehearsal. If you’re uncomfortable with what your partners are doing, make it known.

You may have to draw and re-draw boundaries often before you feel comfortable and secure.

And dude... when was the last time you got tested for STIs? Having sex with multiple partners puts you at a greater risk for cooties: to stay clean and safe make a habit of getting your blood and junk examined periodically (at least every 3 months). Make an appointment today!

Finding Partners Close friends are your best bet. I can feel your cringe, but hear me out. You already communicate well with your besties, presumably. You know they listen to you, and are there for you when you feel shitty but also when you want to have a good time.

You’ve probably spoken about your terrible and awkward first sexual encounters with your pals, and listened to theirs. If you have a trusting relationship you’ve already taken the most difficult steps in the entire process.

If you and your partner are talking about including others in your sexy sex, your partner will probably need some reassurance in the

stability of your relationship. If you have issues, it’s probably not a good time. This is an experience where your limits might be pushed, the strength of your trust will be tested, and you may be out of your comfort zone. Feeling safe with one another is critical.

If you are mentally stable, single and looking to have group sex, two friends that are also a couple might be willing to let you in the bedroom to experiment. Be brave and bring it up. If you’re not attracted to your friends, look online! Sites like OKCupid.com pair individuals up using their values and interests rather than attractiveness rating, and for some it is easier to communicate a desire for group sex through the keyboard rather than face to face. Reading profiles will give you an indication of what someone is looking for (long and short term) when browsing the dating site, and you can use search filters to find someone who is willing to meet your precise desires. Of course, when meeting someone new offline be sure to take precautions. Tell your friends where you will be and make sure your phone is on and fully charged. Arrange a meeting in a public place that you know well and can feel safe in. Don’t give them your home address, and don’t go to straight to their place.

Dealing with Feeling In opening up to talk about your desires, you’re making yourself vulnerable to rejection.

Let’s keep it real. The absolute worst that can happen is that your potential partners say no, you are all flattened by stampeding rhinoceroses, your mother never finds your corpse and dies of a broken heart as the planet is hit by a gigantic, merciless asteroid. The likelihood of this happening is small. Although rejection hurts it doesn’t hurt as much as hundreds of rhino feet crushing your bones. You’ll be fine. If the rejection leaves you with low self-esteem, work on your self love before trying again. You gotta be there for yourself first.

You’re also likely to feel jealousy.

It’s an emotion that occurs suddenly, and can be truly gutwrenching and panic inducing when it strikes. Jealous pain

can also turn into a rage very quickly. You must consider the consequences of lashing out. If you’re angry and agitated, you can’t communicate as effectively as you can once you’ve calmed down.

In the Sack Be gentle by default, pay attention to your partners for instructions otherwise. Tell people what you want, don’t expect them to know what turns you on or feels the best. It will inevitably be awkward at timeslaugh it off, you’re probably naked already.

Prophylactics and lube are your friends. Have fun! Fun is job #2. Implement a safeword (eg. flan) to halt proceedings if you feel it’s necessary. There’s no shame in doing this!

You shouldn’t have to do or participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Take it slow.

Group sex is an opportunity to learn! Putting yourself out there can make you vulnerable, but also give you a chance to explore your sexuality and feel great and sexy and beautiful. You could get to know your friends better than ever before, and cultivate trust and love. Talking and listening is obviously essential, but so is being considerate and mindful of safety. You may be out of your comfort zone and have to deal with some negative emotions: it’s all part of living life for the first time and getting to know yourself.

Picture by Marnie Allen

Group sex is often perceived as the last fantasy frontier to cross for sexy young things. However, the sweaty, writhing mass of kissing genitals you see in pornography is almost certainly fake. Those actors aren’t paying attention to their orgasm but to their director. You’re probably never going to encounter a situation where a pile of consenting individuals will let you into their sex lives in order to please you from every angle; those parties are unlisted, private and rare. Sorry, kid! But if the thought of having sex with more than one person at once turns your crank, there are ways to make it happen.

19

WAR GAMES

by Tom Rossiter

Games of war will only stop once all the players agree to, understandably this can take some time, the 1939 World War Championships actually went on for six whole years before it finally finished with Robert Oppenheimer’s victory. when asked how he felt about winning such a drawn out game, Mr. Oppenheimer said “I am become death, destroyer of worlds.” The show off.

For a long time, these were the only rules war had, but since the sport became properly regulated, new rules were implemented at the Geneva War convention. Forming a body that continues to govern the game of war to this very day. All the biggest teams are unfailingly involved in the world gfdsfd championships, mainly from the prestigious European League. The European league has real history in the sport of war; in fact, they’ve carved out a pretty intimidating legacy through their seemingly constant desire for the game. The biggest teams in the European league are, of course, The Russians, Germans, British and French. These friendly rivals have been playing war against each other for as long as any of them can remember. About every century they take part in their grudge match.

But lately they’ve grown tired of playing against each other, preferring to unite and maybe try for the world cup as a union.

As technology changes and advances, so does war. It seems each new generation has their own version of the famous game, featuring new rules and new styles of play. In the first World War Championships, for example, the field was marked out with trenches and barbed wire, but since then War participants have developed new ways to ‘tag’ multiple

20

opponents at a time, using gasses, bombs, specially crafted diseases or the wondrous compounds that, when dropped from above can tag opponents (Ed- and even disinterested spectators), even if they’re hiding in thick forest. Understandably, many people think this makes the game less fun.

And because of this these new weapons are only used sparingly, and of course, the regulations board becomes decidedly upset with any government ‘not playing fairly’ in their wars. Sometimes handing out the red card of trade embargo, or, in more extreme cases, joining in on the war, hoping their good example will convince other teams to play fairly. Often times, it’s just one spoilsport ruining it for the bunch, everyone’s getting along perfectly well in their friendly game of war, then some irresponsible player has to break out the chemical weapons.

These days, War has fallen out of favour, where once crowds lined the streets, eager to join in, they now line the streets in protest, any attempt to start a game will be shut down by naysayers with clever signs. This is such a shame. The greatness of war lied in its ability to unite people, whole families joining in to ‘tag’ their opponents, children practising at home, desperate to make the international team. So, next time you’ve got a few friends round, maybe a little Uranium to spare, why not play War? You don’t get many opportunities to really enjoy one.

break out the chemical weapons

Of course, for many of the players, the object of the game is to gain one of the ‘medals’ awarded to those who’ve played the game best, or are injured whilst playing. But war has always included a participation award, everyone who plays gets one.

This is where one of the great things about the sport comes in. War is, and has always been, a team game.

This team spiritedness is so much a part of war, that the game has inspired more movies than any other sport. Of course, they tend to be a little formulaic, with the American teams always looking like they’ll lose right up until the last minute just before their massive victory. War has even been the favourite pastime of many of history’s greatest figures, Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon and most of the people you see if you open any history book.

War’s not all fun and games though, much like Ballet, War has high injury rates, so remember, enjoy War responsibly.

IMDb’s list of top war themed video games has Call of Duty Black Ops II ranked as number one, followed by Assassin’s Creed III and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare.

Picture by Jessica Cockerill

War, huh? What is it good for? Well, quite a bit, as it turns out. Every child knows it’s fun to play, and often find themselves practising with guns made of anything vaguely resembling a gun. And by following this simple guide, you too can participate in this, the king of sports. To play war, you need at least two teams, preferably based on ethnicity or ideology, but in a pinch, any grouping will do. Each team sets out to ‘tag’ as many members of the opposite team as possible, the last team standing wins, numbers don’t matter, but ideally, they should be as large as possible. Remember, in war, the more the merrier.

TEAM AUSTRALIA: Boat People Are the New Amazon Warriors My most recent attack of journalistic inspiration occurred as I sat waiting in a doctor’s reception.

I was quietly wondering how I could defeat the dangerous beast that had decided to take up residence in my lungs over the past month when I was unexpectedly lulled into a peaceful educational trance by the sultry sounds of Radio National that drifted over the speakers.

The presenter, Melvyn Bragg, began to discuss the legendary Amazons, the tribe of warrior women that we are familiar with from a slew of B-grade movies, books and television. What greater example of a team is there than this fabled group of warrior women, I thought.

I was somewhat interested to learn, in my dozy state, that there is no definitive evidence that the Amazons ever existed. Knowledge of them has come to us purely from Greek myths and writings, which were passed down by the Romans, lost briefly by the Catholics, found again during the Renaissance and then dusted off and stuck in the Canterbury Tales by Chaucer.

sultry sounds of Radio National It turns out that the Amazons were, quite possibly, a purely Greek invention. The only sources from antiquity which actually discuss the Amazons are of Greco-Roman origins, and Greek works had a strong tendency to include heavy doses of mythology amongst sprinklings of historic fact. However, regardless of their reality, or lack of it, the Amazons clearly played a big role in the Greek mindset. Their images feature in some of the most significant temples in Athens, right alongside reliefs of landmark events such as the Trojan War. In the same way, it seemed like any Greek hero worth their salt had to have rolled with the Amazons in some way or another, with all the big names like Achilles, Alexander the Great, and Hercules having some kind of fabled meeting with the dangerous warrior women.

These Amazons were described as an all-female society of organised and fierce warriors ruled by a powerful queen. They shunned men and burnt their right breast at birth to stunt its growth and improve their ability to use bows

and arrows and spears. Most importantly to the Amazon story, they always existed at the edges of Greek society. Their described location during antiquity shifted through spaces in Europe and North Africa, often near the Black Sea, with the one consistent element being that wherever they were, it was always just beyond the border of Greek civilisation at the time. The Amazons were defined in many ways as the antithesis of what it meant to be Greek; as the mythological foil to the classic Greek warrior. They existed at the margins of Greek civilisation, always inhabiting the edge of the Greek world. It was as though the Greek scholars and writers needed the presence of the Amazons to devise the limits of their world, to show what Greek-ness was by contrasting it with these breastless warrior queens knocking worryingly at the margins.

Exactly what lesson from history we can learn from this gem of pseudo-academia, I am not sure. It likely doesn’t help that the Greek’s Amazons were quite probably imaginary, so I expect that Pericles’ Stop The Amazons policy probably wasn’t a big election issue; though until we find some hard evidence of the offshore Amazon processing centre in Crete I guess we can’t rule it out. What we can, perhaps, take comfort in is that while our politicians may be breaching UN covenants on human rights daily, at least they don’t make up imaginary boob-less fighting women to scare us as well.

Somehow, however, I suspect that this might not be quite the comfort that our refugees were looking for.

When this mythology of the Amazon warriors becomes perhaps the most interesting is when we start to consider their modern Australian parallel. Perhaps it was just a result of my dazed, cough-addled state, but rather than drifting to the logical sequitur of say, Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Xena, I found myself instead reminded of the election coverage surrounding asylum seekers. In the air-conditioned chill of the doctor’s reception it was hard to shake the feeling that perhaps asylum seekers have come to occupy the same space in our national consciousness that was filled, for the Greeks, by dangerous armies of warrior women that constantly threatened their civilisation’s borders.

While they may be somewhat less keen on cauterised breasts, and a whole lot less warriorlike, it is hard not to see a parallel between the Amazons and the dreaded “boat people” that have risen to centre stage in Australian popular myth. Now, of course, this is not to suggest that “boat people” are purely mythological inventions; but we can also probably all agree that they are also serving a major mythological function to our current government. Just as the Amazons provided the anti-men, anti-Greek foil to Greek civilisation, talk of “boat people” has allowed the mythology of Australianness to grow in popular culture. These mythologised free-riding foreigners who don’t “play by the rules” exist on the borders of our society, defining both its ideological and physical limits.

While the Greeks used potentially imaginary warrior women to define the edges of their lands, we use drowning refugees.

Breast ironing, the flattening of a pubescent girl’s breasts using hard or heated objects, is commonly practiced in all ten regions of Cameroon as a means of protecting girls from sexual harassment and rape.

Picture by Marnie Allen

by Hamish Hobbs

21

DIARY OF A (WANNABE) LONE WOLF

by Dan Werndly

On that note of blind naivety, I took an extremely drastic course of action; I turned off my mobile phone. For the first time since I acquired modern technology, I was closed off from my extended groups of friends and unable to keep myself constantly updated with current local and global events. Sure, I’d been without my phone before and survived to tell the tale, but it carried a sense of heaviness knowing that I’d be without it for an extended period of time. A little after the screen went dark I was overtaken by a sense of focus and calm, because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to distract me, and it felt good. *** I came to realise the next day how much we’ve come to rely on our mobile phones for general day to day life. Without a phone it’s necessary to organise everything directly with the people who are involved in a situation. That can be an issue if you don’t have any face to face interactions with them, to the point that it becomes a vicious cycle of needing to see the person but only being able to tell them you need to see them if you actually see them.

This leads to many problems, because people tend to be unpredictable and change plans without telling you directly, resulting in stuff like, say, waiting fruitlessly in a car for three and a half hours. This event seemed fitting to strengthen the idea that the lone wolf can only rely on himself but also made me realise that technology is ultimately created to make our lives easier. Whether this is a good thing, I’m not entirely sure.

collapsing in bed listening to Lana Del Rey on repeat and re-evaluating the majority of my life decisions. Getting past this, I thought about what I had been able to accomplish, which with the help of retrospect was quite a lot. It made me realise what I could achieve if I did actually apply myself and didn’t abandon ship at the first sign of trouble. *** I went riding solo through Fremantle today and went café hopping. For the most part I sipped at a coffee, listened to music and read books, newspapers and magazines enjoying my own company. Without my friends around me talking I was overwhelmed with my own thoughts, consumed with what I thought about certain topics. These were opinions I’d formed with the facts I was presented. It was strange, because I didn’t feel as though I had to conform my opinion to fit the people I was with or water it down in any way. Although this isolation seemed to bring about a stronger sense of self, I couldn’t ignore the fact that I still wanted to be with my friends because the reason their opinions change mine is because they matter to me, and ultimately I wouldn’t let them impact me if they hadn’t proven themselves to be good judges of events. At least that’s what I’ve been telling myself. ***

Today was another day of isolation. I had to do some pretty extensive driving and decided to go it alone instead of getting someone to accompany me and that gave me some time to think and reflect about the past couple of days. Without access to social media or messaging services I only had my own opinions to think about, and it really solidified what being a lone wolf means to me. It’s not so much about being solitary or being opposed to communities of people, but about forming your own opinions, and doing what you want to do, without letting other people’s actions affect your actions. It also means not clouding your dreams and aspirations with those of the people around you. This should be taken with a pinch of salt, as if you disregard other people’s opinions you will ultimately drive them away from you, but in moderation I think a bit of lone wolf can really help you figure out who you are. And who says a healthy dose of douche to the thought organ won’t at least give you some perspective on your current situation, whether it be infatuation with those around you, or utter disregard for the rest of the human population.

*** I decided that I would reject any and all offers of assistance that came my way, and not ask for any help. This way, everything I did would be of my own accord. I was hopeful at the beginning of the day, until I realised how utterly useless I was at pretty much everything, so the day eventuated with me

22

Lone wolves may be stronger, more aggressive and far more dangerous than the average wolf that is a member of a pack. However, lone wolves have difficulty hunting, as wolves’ favorite prey, large ungulates (hoofed animals), are nearly impossible for a single wolf to bring down alone. Instead, lone wolves will generally hunt smaller animals and scavenge carrion.

Picture by Marnie Allen

I didn’t exactly know what it means to be a called lone wolf, so I googled it. While Google defines a ‘lone wolf’ as (noun) a person who prefers to act alone, urbandictionary.com supplies a much more romantic definition: lone wolves ‘used to belong to a group and left to become stronger’. I decided to begin my journey of self-discovery with that idea in mind, that this experience should really be a process of coming to ameliorate my personal abilities.

NASTY, BRUTISH, AND SHORT

by Kate Prendergast

Three-hundred and fifty years on, there are some who observe the binding obligations of the social contract to be weakening. The over-coating to our vicious and self-serving propensities, they say, is peeling back. This horrid revelation is argued to be the strip-show of neoliberalism— the dominant ideology of capitalism— which organizes all human relations around the principles of the free market. By not only encouraging, but openly exalting the same kind of ruthlessly acquisitive behaviours which are at the core of Hobbes’ ‘state of nature’, neoliberal ideology is believed to be undermining mankind’s respectful deference to the civil order. Remarks cultural critic Henry Giroux, it ‘portends the death of politics as we know it, strips the social of its democratic values and reconstructs agency in terms that are utterly privatized and provide the conditions for an emerging for of proto-fascism that must be resisted at all costs’.

It is at the juncture of this era of ‘possessive individualism’ that the zombie narrative has emerged as a cultural fixation. Now, postapocalyptic stories perform a whole heap of cultural functions by soaking up a whole lot of cultural anxieties. They tap into Abbottonian nightmares of a world made unstable by uncontrollable border-crossings (with people, ideas, and disease often conflated). They lob caveats at us like rotting heads, reminding us that whether through nuclear warfare or super-viruses,

our proudest innovations in technology help us just as much as they accelerate our destruction.

Of significance here, however, is that these stories provide us a stage for the playing-out of postcivilization morality tales. From this perspective, the zombie is not so much a primary signifier, but a narratological device— useful in that it enables audiences to accept and storytellers to explore an imaginary landscape where society and government no longer exist. Apocalypse stories thus perform significant cultural ‘work’ as dramatized, gore-happy thought-experiments, which test— and often challenge— Hobbesian pessimism.

In Zombie world, the population demography is pretty simple. We see a majority of mindless, murderous opportunists, who are set up against (and are constantly recruiting) a minority of nomadic survivors. In these blasted ‘man-eat-man’ scapes, morality becomes extremely fragile and easily reneged. As one can only afford to look after and care for oneself and one’s ‘significant others’, every ‘Other’ becomes a threat. Often, as tribes form and resources dwindle, the ontological separation between human and zombie blurs.

Humans will murder each other just as likely as they will zombies for the sake of security.

Ironically, their indiscriminate use of violence and regression to subsistence living makes zombies of them, too.

character on another channel, Shane is exactly the kind of swaggering lout Hobbes envisaged. It is Rick, however, who is the appointed leader, and thus responsible for making the difficult decisions.

Should they continue the search for a little girl lost in zombie-infested woods, or abandon it as futile to protect the interests of the group? Should the rules of hospitality be honoured, when to leave a host’s property means certain death? Should they execute an innocent boy, just in case he betrays their whereabouts to his gang? That the answers to these questions are rarely self-evident is what is revealed to be important. Paradoxically, it is Rick’s uncertainty— not his conviction— that justifies his leadership.

The Walking Dead is just one of many apocalyptic narratives that show humans struggling with, but never quite submitting to the brutish individualism that the Hobbes saw as inevitable.

Triumphantly, these tales purge the human heart from its insinuated evils, representing mankind as—mostly— good-natured and rational animals. Whilst it may seem a contradiction then, post-apocalyptic texts are, in fact, profoundly optimistic. Watching zombie films, Aristotle would feel smug.

Since there are no formal councils, no cops, and no courts, we see the social contract holding legitimacy only so long as people continue to believe in its worth. The decision to uphold an abstract code of conduct over making sure one’s loved ones don’t starve or get torn to pieces is a difficult one, and it confronts characters without end across the genre.

AMC’s hugely popular The Walking Dead, now in its fourth season, is especially preoccupied with the moral implications that arise in a deeply unfamiliar, uncharted world. Rick, an ex-cop, is the protagonist of the story, and his uncompromising civility is a point of constant frustration and contempt for his partner and foil, Shane.

A grunting hothead with a nose that looks like it’s been accidentally transferred from a claymation

Picture by Kate Prendergast

There have been quite a few distinguished thinkers throughout history who seem to derive their adamantine brilliancy from their rather dim view of humanity as a whole. Seventeenth century philosopher Thomas Hobbes was among the most prodigiously cynical of the lot. In his book The Leviathan, published in 1651, Hobbes throws his head back and laughs at Aristotle’s belief in man’s intrinsic goodness. ‘Never believe it’, he declares, folding his arms and subduing his mirth to the occasional low, bone-dry chuckle. ‘We’re nothing but wretches, all of us. We’re fundamentally constituted as brutes.’ Our understandable impulse towards self-preservation has made us competitive, suspicious and hubristic, he says. Our darklythumping hearts squeeze out a grabby creed.

It is only through the punitive and regulatory apparatus’ of government and society that a semblance of civility is maintained. By transferring the prerogative of violence from the people to the state, a ‘social contract’ is brokered, which mutually assures that we all behave decently to one another. But ungoverned, Hobbes sees people regressing to their true ‘state of nature’, who would thence suffer ‘continual fear, and danger of violent death; and the life of man [would be] solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short’.

Thomas Hobbes once said that when he was born, his mother actually gave birth to twins; himself, and fear.

23

FRAT BABY: Notes from an Unfinished Screenplay

by Alex Griffin SYNOPSIS: A baby of indeterminate parentage is abandoned at the door of Alpha Alpha Alpha house, the partiest frat at Massachusetts U. Since main characters etc are all on academic and behavioural probation they can’t report the existence of the infant to authorities, so they decide to raise the baby together, all while lifting their grades to a C and avoiding their nemesis, the crotchety old Dean Henderson. What will they learn along the way? (get someone in publicity to jazz this up) Potential taglines (as per request from Jen in Marketing): They say it takes a village to raise a baby… but what about a frat!

They can chug… but can they hug?

Passing finals just became the least of their problems.

They can’t throw this baby out with the bongwater!

Production notes: - sched. for early March 2014 for Spring Break festivities - call the Wayans Brothers?

NOTES FROM CASTING MEETING: - what is Sean William Scott doing these days - a younger, less horrible Zach Braff as moral conscience of group, ‘Jeffy’ - Should the Dean be that crotchety bald guy who was the Dad in 10 Things I Hate About You? Is he still alive - a young, breathing John Candy as Bison PLOT: - love interest? Brainy girl next door who tutors the boys while caring for the baby?

(Hudgens? Lohan?)

- how does the Dean try and take them down: - contemporary or not- like are they using twitter etc or set in 70s frat; older frat is more timeless, aspirational, less quote-unquote ‘rapey’ - school maybe has famously inept football team as comic relief- the Massachusetts Dominos? Frenchmen? Wristies?

OPENING SCENE NOTES Raging fraternity party at Alpha Alpha Alpha house. Guys are doing kegstands, music is blasting, a Good Time is happening. People are making out on the dancefloor, etc. Vis ref inc. party scenes in Uncle Buck, 10 Things etc.

24

Suddenly, a girl lurches out to the bathroom and locks herself in a toilet cubicle. She whips out a pregnancy test and uses it.

Far off but coming closer are voices voice yelling “Jennifer! Come back out here you whore!” &c. The girl becomes aware of their cries and staggers off, leaving the pregnancy test on top of the toilet. Camera zooms in on the pregnancy test, which is revealed to be POSITIVE. Shot is held as nine months pass (montage? Subtitle?) as BISON staggers in to vomit; the pregnancy test is in the same position. As he hurls, his hand reaches out and accidentally grabs the test. He looks at what he’s holding, then returns to his retching. There’s a ring on the doorbell.

CHARLIE (from his bed where a naked girl is doing a line of coke) Bison! Check the door buddy! It’s probably your mum with her tits out for me!

BISON You check it! (so on etc- as they argue, a woman whose face remains unseen tenderly lays down an infant in swaddling clothes) EXAMPLE DIALOGUE: JEFFY I can’t help but wonder who the mother was, hey guys.

BISON (eating a footlong) Maybe it was that Thelma babe. I screwed her, and I’ve got jizz like salmon, man!

Always swims upstream!

DENNIS Oh man, but we all screwed that chick! (hold for laughter) JEFFY Yeah, I get the feeling we could say that about a lot of girls.

KINGPIN Was the mother Chinese?

CHARLIE Dude, does the baby look Chinese?

KINGPIN Well, she must have been, cos she was all-youcan-eat! (hi-fiving) JEFFY Speaking of food, how do we feed him?

BISON Here, he can suck on this! (motions with a can of Budweiser) CHARLIE Babies need milk and stuff, Bison!

CHARLIE starts flicking a lighter to the bottle to warm it. Shot reveals HANK and RODNEY throwing the pigskin in garden. A shout of ‘watch out’ precedes the ball clattering through the window, hitting the lighter out of CHARLIE’S hand and into the curtains, setting them instantly ablaze. BABY giggles.

JEFFY Oh jesus!

CHARLIE Dang!

BISON (standing by the sink, panicking) Where do we keep the water in the house? We need water! (Looks in the fridge and takes out some ice) There’s no time to melt this ice! We need action! (starts spraying vodka on the fire, which intensifies)

MERITOCRACY, MY ARSE

by Richard Ferguson Ah, merit. That little buzzword a Liberal pulls out whenever their party’s selection methods come into question. The word meritocracy, defined as a system where people experience advancement though intellectual talent and experience, dominated the airwaves during the unveiling of Prime Minister Tony Abbott’s Federal Cabinet. Australia is a country where 50.6% of the population are women, but only one woman out of 20 sits on the most powerful decision-making body in the nation. That’s just the inner sanctum, outside the assistant ministers and parliamentary secretaries can only count four women out of 22 in their ranks. This is despite clearly intelligent and capable women like Teresa Gambaro, Kelly O’Dywer and Jane Prentice ready for promotion, only for the boys to get a leg up.

With such a gender disparity, you’d assume that surely all those men are there on merit. Fact is, no they are not. The allocation of portfolios and positions of the Federal Ministry is a complex dance of quotas, factional warfare with sometimes a little bit of merit thrown in. Let’s look at just some of the reasons why this federal cabinet, and the cabinets before it, are hardly shining examples of meritocracy in practice.

THE LIBERAL-NATIONAL COALTION Tony Abbott, like Liberal leaders before him, had to not only think about his own party room, but also cosy up to the parliamentary members of the National Party. Abbott may have spent three years disgusted at inter-party deals by Labor and the Greens, but his party has been sharing power with their crazy country cousins for decades. As such, a certain slice of the cabinet cake is cut for the members of the National Party, and the Nationals leader (in this instance Warren Truss) becomes Deputy Prime Minister.

In terms of providing more women to future Coalition cabinets, don’t expect any National women. The Nationals make the Liberals look like inner-city bloggers on most social issues and women’s equality is a prime example. In the House of Representatives, only one of 15 National Party MPs is a woman, and of three outer ministry ministers, Nationals Senator Fiona Nash is Assistant Health Minister.

However, she was infamously pipped at the post for Nationals Senate Leader, despite being a loyal deputy for three years, to make place for Nigel Scullion through a boys’ club plot. Don’t expect to see women knocking on the door of the Nationals’ cabinet spots anytime soon.

FACTIONS The Labor Party are not the only ones with warring factions. The Liberal Party, for all its rhetoric about unity and strong teams, is a bitterly divided organisation with different ideological and personality-driven factions fighting for dominance. The modern Liberal Party is often neatly divided into the Liberal Right and the Liberal Left. The Liberal Right has in recent years become dominated by what some call the “DLP Wing”- a collection of social conservative Catholics who were raised politically by Bob Santamaria, founder of the Democratic Labor Party and anticommunist warrior of the 1950s. At the head of this very conservative group is none other than Tony Abbott. He has used his dominance to fight against the more libertarian factions within the Liberals and the Cabinet is just another battle in the war against social moderates in the party.

The DLP wing has elevated old allies of Tony Abbott’s in order to carry out their social conservative plans. For example, Kevin Andrews returns from the Howard Government to the role of Social Services Minister; the same Kevin Andrews responsible for the Mohammed Haneef bungle and who advocated cutting the nation’s refugee intake because of Sudanese people in electorates starting fights in bars.

Compare this to Sharman Stone, the very capable Employment Participation Minister under Howard, who was dumped by Abbott for his libertarian views on social policy and her strong support of Liberal Left icon Malcolm Turnbull. Like their rival, the Labor Party, the Libs have no problem promoting people who give them the right numbers, no matter how incompetent they are.

Take for instance, the case of Victorian MP Kelly O’Dywer. Ms O’Dwyer was a senior adviser to former Treasurer Peter Costello and an executive at the National Australia Bank. As a clearly intelligent and competent individual, who is also a prominent spokesman for the party on television, you’d think the woman would get a gig in the government she worked so hard to get elected. Alas, she got nothing. No ministry, no parliamentary secretary position.

This was for several reasons. The official reason was that she has only been a member of parliament for four years and therefore is not experienced enough. The unofficial reason is that O’Dwyer’s criticism of Abbott’s paid parental leave scheme cost her place in the ministry. It was a case of the pupil knowing more than the teacher, and getting detention for it. It was a favourite tactic of Howard’s to stall promotion of people like Julie Bishop and Malcolm Turnbull that he considered far too bright for their own good. Abbott has employed in this selection process, ensuring that any upstarts remember who is in charge from day one of the new Liberal era. Here, we see Abbott’s definition of merit in full force; the advancement of people with the intellectual talent and experience to do as he bloody well tells them.

MERIT (YES, IT’S A FACTOR SOMETIMES) The Liberal Party definitely values merit as a condition for entry into the Cabinet, but their definition is slightly altered.

Abbott, like his mentor John Howard, prefers to focus on “experience” rather than “intellectual talent” in his selection of his ministry. What we see in Abbott’s frontbench is an attempt to recreate the Howard Years in order to provide a sense of stability after a very unstable Labor minority government. Old tired hacks that have waited in line get a promotion, whilst bright young things are kept in their place to prove both their talent and loyalty.

Napoleonic France was fairly meritocratic; it had to be, because the Revolution and Napoleon had killed off all of the former elite classes. One of the policies implemented under the cry of “La carrière ouverte aux talents” (or the tools to him that can handle them) was the creation of the Légion d’honneur, the first order of merit that would admit men of any class.

25

FRAU MERKEL: A FORGOTTEN WONDER WOMAN

by Angus Sargent The 48-hour media blackout prior to election day has been used by multiple parties on many occasions to announce some of their more controversial policies. There should be no problem with this technique, in any game you play to win. In this case, the Coalition used the period to (Ed- FINALLY) release its final budget estimates and costings. Now, when it comes to deciphering the Coalition’s final budget commitments, two glaring sentences really stick out, when you consider it from a social perspective.

die from this action, and given the relatively positive condition of Australia’s financial situation, compared to most other nations,

“It is unsustainable to continue massive projected growth in foreign aid funding whilst the Australian economy continues at below trend growth.”

It sets a future global precedence for what can be considered appropriate when budgeting for foreign aid. Why should other countries provide more financing than Australia when they’re 10 times more economically fucked? Currently the Australian budget ‘commitment’ for foreign aid aims to reach 0.5% of GNI, well below the U.N recommendation of 0.7 and as yet, this ‘commitment’ has not had a deadline placed upon it. It seems grossly unjustifiable that all our pollies across the board get to cry foul about problems of fiscal policy when you compare Australia to European countries such as Ireland, Britain and France, each of whom already each contribute around 0.5% of GNI whilst simultaneously struggling to stay afloat economically.

“Australia needs a stronger economy today so that it can be more generous in the future.”

When it comes to budgeting, cuts are never good for the sectors involved, so naturally the projected $4.5 billion dollar cuts to foreign aid funding will be detrimental to the lives of many. In following this reasoning, you would be forgiven for finding the second sentence confusing, Exactly how much more generous is Australia going to be? You cannot simply put poverty and malnutrition on hold, and then deal with them when the time suits you. If you clean a dish as soon as you dirty it, then at the end of the day there is no mess to clean up.

However, if you take the easy option and just pile them on the bench, by the end of the week you’ve got a festering mess that will take hours to clean.

As a consequence of the recent global economic downturn it has become far more economically acceptable to use the words conservative and fiscal in the same sentence. However it must be understood that when compared to other countries, things in Australia could be worse, much worse. Professor Raja Junankar, an honorary professor at the UNSW Australian School of Business, argues claims of ballooning debt and the impending economic crash are simply not the case. Certainly the economy has slowed down - Professor Junankar doesn’t deny this fact - but there is quite a big difference between an economy slowing in growth and an economy on the cusp of recession… apparently?

So make no mistake, cutting current funding is not like simply writing an I.O.U to every 3rd world nation Australia supports. People will

26

… apparently?

the act of reducing international aid is not only damaging in the short term.

The Coalition’s pledge to redirect support toward NGOs should be commended.

Popularity for these types of organizations has been growing steadily in recent years and they assist in removing much of the bureaucracy often involved in international aid. Unfortunately the motivations for other actions must be ethically questioned, such as the incorporation of AusAID into the Department for Foreign Affairs and Trade (DFAT), becoming just another sub-division instead of a separate entity. Annemarie O’Keefe, a former deputy director general for AusAID has voiced her concerns over how this will affect the management and focus of the agency. Specifically questioning the impact it could have on the efficiency of development programs. Tony Abbott justifies the action as a method to align the delivery of foreign aid more closely

with diplomacy, but the use of such a method must be employed with tact and discretion. To use any aid contribution primarily as a tool of manipulation is unacceptable, it undermines the whole purpose of charity as being an action that doesn’t necessarily require reciprocation.

For $48 per month, that’s less than $2 a day, World Vision claims this sponsorship of a child is sufficient in ensuring the majority of their basic needs are met. Over a period of four years, $4.5 billion dollars is enough to provide for nearly 2 million people every year. This is not wildlife or rainforests we are talking about, it is the lives of human beings. If we as a nation are truly serious about debating the issue of human rights on global forums such as the United Nations, then positive leadership is inevitably required when this type of matter arises.

KEEPING UP WITH THE KIMS

by Kenneth Woo I have an unhealthy obsession with a group of people. Though they might be talentless hacks who have nothing going for them except for the undying adoration of an entire nation and the immense interest that is lobbed onto them by the world media, I find them utterly fascinating. I try to watch as many episodes about them as possible.

They are the subject of various television shows and make regular appearances on news channels, whether it’s visiting crowds of devoted fans or down to their dogged avoidance of the press. I am of course, talking about the world famous dynasty, the Northern Korean Kims. I always wished that there was a reality television show that followed the exploits of the Kim family as they do their hilarious antics of running the Hermit Kingdom and regularly threaten PLUS execute people.

Why am I so fascinated with the Kims?

They are the poster children of crazy family dynasties. Tell me which other modern nation-state can boast a family dynasty, an unresolved war, the most militarized nation in the world and now boasting nuclear weaponry (Singapore only has the family dynasty, and arguably their leaders aren’t crazy….yet)? The lynchpin of the Kim strategy to control the nation is the cult-like love that this nation has for its leaders.

Religion takes many forms across history, and the Kim Dynasty successfully built a religion around their rule.

The birth of the first Kim was unremarkable, but he rose to become Kim Il-Sung and rule as the first and only President of North Korea. Upon his death he was bestowed the title of Eternal President and is commonly called the Great Leader as well. The cult of Kim took both his birth and death and elevated it to religious levels, likening the story of his life to that of other deities. His birth is celebrated as a day where North Korea took a great leap forward to prosperity and power (well, using the phrase “a great leap” is being quite generous here) and that there will be plenty of everything for all. He is made out to be the one who provides, which sounds incredibly like something out of the Bible.

Citizens and visitors are made to bow before a statute of the Great Leader as well as his embalmed body that is housed in a multi-billion dollar complex in the capital

Pyongyang. There are religious leaders that enjoy less reverence than the Great Leader.

However, shit becomes incredibly weird when Kim Jong-Il enters the picture. Politics and religion have colluded even further to elevate the successor to almost deity level (of course, he’s still a level below that of the Eternal President). One of the most treasured possessions I have is a North Korean propaganda book that a friend of mine helped me secure when she went to the Shanghai World Expo; it describes the birth of Kim Jong-Il, with official biographies writing that he was sent by Heaven, hailed as the Bright Star of Mount Paektu and the lodestar that would brighten the future of Korea. My favourite part is how soldiers who go around carving the announcement of his birth on trees across the country spread the news of his birth. This is of course nonsense; he was born in Siberia and all that symbolism was merely used to create the fiction that helps to keep a nation down.

His death was, of course, equally legendary. The North Korean press described it in incredibly grandiloquent and surreal terms (“a Manchurian crane spotted in the city of Hamhung circled a statue of Kim Il Sung for hours before dropping its head and taking off toward Pyongyang”). My personal favourite (seriously, when I die I want people to

“Even the sky seemed to writhe in grief” describe my death like this) runs thus: “even the sky seemed to writhe in grief, blinding blue flashes, thunder and heavy snow fell near the Demilitarized Zone. He was, indeed, a great saint born of heaven.” Apparently Kim Jong-Il’s last public appearance was riding an escalator in a supermarket located in Pyongyang. After his death, it became a shrine for the Dear Leader.

It is all fun to observe this as an outsider, to just chuckle when we hear stories of the cult of Kim. What impresses me is not the efficiency of the nation and the tenacity that they possess in achieving nuclear weaponry but how pervasive and efficient the Cult of Kim remains to this day. Religion and politics make a deadly pairing, and a slavery mentality has been deeply inscribed into the North Korean people thanks to its propaganda and brainwashing. The Kim Dynasty is impressive in the fact that it is able to stay in power despite being stuck in a globalizing world and much of the nation and its society remains a mystery to the rest of the world.

Kim Jong-Il’s eldest son, Kim Jong-nam, once believed to be the designated heir, appeared to have fallen out of favour after being arrested in Tokyo in 2001 while travelling to Disneyland on a forged passport.

27

CHASING SHADOWS- MEET LABOR’S NEW TEAM

by Richard Ferguson

THE COMEBACK KID Stephen Conroy has arisen from the dead.

The Victorian senator and powerbroker led the government’s biggest policy failures in the botched media reforms and the scrapped media filter. He finally kicked out of the Cabinet in the Rudd Revival. Many saw it has a blessing in disguise. Conroy was unpopular with the media, with business and with about anybody who had ever met him. Not to mention, gaffes leak from him like refugees fleeing Sri Lanka.

However, Conroy is back as Deputy Senate Leader. Watch out for his relationship with the new chief Bill Shorten. The two fell out after the Rudd-Gillard War and Conroy spent most of the 2013 election trying to stop Shorten’s candidates in Victoria from getting up at party pre-selection.

Minister under Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd, and was constantly rated as the best communicator of the Labor team during government. Ms Plibersek comes to the role with the support of the broad party base and a valuable connection to the female section of the Labor movement, still reeling from the fall of the first woman Prime Minister and the lack of women in the new Liberal government. If you want a clue about her strategy in the next few years, look at her recent Q&A appearances opposite Liberal bulwarks George Brandis and Sophie Mirrabella.

She specialises in a particularly gleeful form of political murder, armed with a clever smirk and a killer wit. If anyone could replace Shorten as leader, it is most certainly Tanya Plibersek.

Conroy will make things harder for the new boss, whether it as a plotter, or merely as a fuck-up.

THE FACTIONAL LEECH Don Farrell, the South Australian rightwinger and faceless man, was told he’d be a-ok when he knocked off the no. 1 spot on the South Australian Senate ticket. He lost his seat. Senator Farrell will vacate his place in the Parliament when the new

THE DIGNIFIED RIVAL Anthony Albanese is a class act. The former Deputy PM and Infastructure Minister won 60% of the rank-and-file vote in the Labor leadership contest but lost out in the caucus ballot, resulting in Shorten’s win. Despite this defeat and the rather dubious circumstances around it, Albanese has maintained his dignity and loyalty to the party he clearly loves.

He has now vowed to maintain discipline amongst his more displeased supporters and ensure party unity as they attempt to rebuild after the election. However, don’t think the Coaliton won’t play up the Albo-Shorten rivalry from now till the end of time.

Picture by Lauren Wiszniewski

THE GOLDEN GIRL The new Labor Deputy Leader is Tanya Plibersek. Plibersek served as Health

Senate is sworn in next July, and yet he is still on the Labor frontbench. Talented Labor MPs like Ed Husic and Anna Burke missed out on spots, they richly deserved whilst Farrell, a poor communicator and poorer minister, survived despite being rejected by the public. Watch out for the eventual dog-fight when he is ultimately forced out of parliament in July.

28

In the first Howard ministry, seven ministers were forced to resign because of impropriety. Two went for holding shares in companies that fell within their portfolios, four went for irregularities in their expenses, and another resigned after it was revealed he was a shopping centre landlord whilst enforcing commercial tenancy regulations. Top form!

MISCELLANEOUS SUPERHERO TEAM ARTICLE TITLE

by Samuel Montgomery

Comic-book fans are notoriously critical if a movie doesn’t stay true to the source material, and until recent years were the sole target audience for spandex on the silver screen.

Superman (1978) was the first cinematic success, and kicked off superhero movies in a big way, but also came back and bit them in the ass with Superman III, which featured Richard Pryor as a computer programmer (I mean really guys). No one even attempted a superhero team movie until The Fantastic Four in 1994, which was so terrible it was never even released, and the franchise wasn’t attempted again until the new millennium.

It was in 2000 that 20th Century Fox had a surprise hit with the first superhero team feature film, X-Men, which went on to gross nearly $300 million worldwide and spawned a new interest in superhero/comic book films.

The golden age of comic book cinema kicked off in 2008 with the release of The Dark Knight (which grossed over $1 billion) and Iron Man, which was a surprise smash hit and launched Marvel’s grand Phase One plan. However, until Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begins in 2005, most of them were terrible. I mean listen to this: Blade II & 3, Daredevil, Ang Lee’s Hulk, The Punisher, Elektra, Constantine and Fantastic Four were all critically panned and not particularly good earners.

So what made Batman Begins different? Well, Christopher Nolan. Warner Brothers got an established IP and attached a critically acclaimed director, and instead of a wacky comic style movie, he produced a gritty-toned action thriller, infinitely more accessible to the general public.

Rather than introduce far-fetched comic logic and rules, he grounded the entire trilogy and kept them based in our world, rather than the Gotham we know on paper. This was the first movie that successfully de-camped the comic book movie genre and it has been a continuing

trend for successful comic movies since then (for a spectacular example of how not to do this, just go watch Green Lantern with Ryan Reynolds).

The vast success of superhero movies over the past five years can be completely accredited to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Every one of the Phase One movies were fairly well received and grossed quite a bit leading up to the release of The Avengers last year. The Avengers had the largest opening weekend for any movie ever and grossed over $1 billion in total. While a great movie, it reveals a significant problem for Marvel and DC now; can a single superhero sustain a movie now?

target audience for spandex Over the past couple of years, almost every single superhero movie released has been either a superhero team movie, or building towards one. Even Man of Steel (the Superman reboot) is getting a sequel, but instead of Superman carrying itself they’ve created a Superman/ Batman crossover film. Kick-Ass 2, the largest non-Marvel/DC movie released in recent times involved two teams of superheroes/ villains battling it out, and the entire Marvel Cinematic Universe links in with other movies (and heroes) in the series. This isn’t confined to superheroes either. The Amazing Spiderman 2 (one of the only upcoming movies with a single hero that I can think of) seems to be facing a similar problem, and is doing a Spiderman 3 and involving multiple villains with Jamie Foxx as Electro and Paul Giamatti as Rhino.

Part of this problem, in my opinion, is the complete success of Marvel, while DC has been left behind. From now until 2016, there are 13 Marvel movies being released, and only 2 DC movies. Of these 15 movies, 7 are straight up superhero teams, and 4 are either sequels from the heroes in The Avengers or The Wolverine.

The only single superheroes in there are The Amazing Spiderman, Man of Steel, and Ant-Man, who is eventually to be in a future Avengers film.

Marvel invested years and billions into their cinematic universe, which paid off quite spectacularly, but they need to diversify. If movie-goers are fed the same thing every time, it will lose its appeal. DC is trying to play catch-up by starting to put together a Justice League movie, but I think they need to focus on their individual franchises instead. Rather than forcing in a new Batman now, and forgetting 2011’s Green Lantern altogether, Wonder Woman and The Flash are both central Justice League characters that haven’t even received a movie treatment. Why not focus on new IP and not reboot the same two characters over and over?

With the release of Guardians of the Galaxy and a new X-Men film in 2014, and The Avengers 2, a Fantastic Four reboot and the Batman/Superman movie in 2015, it’s clear that the team-ups are here to stay for the time being, but not (in my opinion) forever.

Picture by Camden Watts

Let me preface this by saying one thing: We are in the golden age of superhero movies. Comic books have always loved a good team-up. The first big superhero teams started in the early 60’s, with the Justice League (Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman, Martian Manhunter and Green Lantern) being the first big hit. The Avengers followed in 1963, with original teams such as the X-Men and the Fantastic Four starting around the same time.

Yet, nailing the superhero movie had always been an elusive thing for studios.

Christopher Nolan is red and green colour-blind omg 29

FILM REVIEWS Diana

Lovelace

Director: Oliver Hirschbeigel Starring: Naomi Watts, Naveen Andrews, Juliet Richardson

Directed by: Jeffrey Friedman, Rob Epstein Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Peter Sarsgaard, James Franco

“Car crash cinema” is a slightly harsh term for a film about a woman who died in a car crash. However, there is really no other term applicable for this miserable excuse for a film.

Diana looks at the last two years in the life of the People’s Princess.

Played by Naomi Watts, our Di falls in love with a Pakistani doctor at a local hospital; only be kept apart by fame, disgruntled Muslim parents and ultimately, Diana’s drunk Parisian driver. The first and most glaring problem with this film is the script, with some of the clumsiest, stale dialogue in movie history. One can only imagine the screenwriter printed off the WikiQuote page for Princess Diana and handed it to the actors.

Naomi Watts spews off every 15 minutes with a lengthy monologue about her belief in landmine reform and difficulties with Prince Charles. These usually take place in cafes and hospital corridors.

Di’s lover Hasnat Khan is played by Naveen Andrews, a man who gives such an unenthusiastic performance that the cynic in me just assumes they found the nearest Pakistani actor and plopped him in the role. Watts herself gets the little inflections of Diana perfectly, but the character is so blatantly dumb and pathetic, poor love has little to work. That not once to do we glimpse any of the Royal Family seems like a cop-out. This film has little to go on in its subject matter, and manages to balls up whatever substance it’s been handed.

Richard Ferguson

Based on the life of infamous 70’s porn star Linda Marchiano, Lovelace is an intensely uncomfortable film about the difference between reality and fantasy. Starring Amanda Seyfried as the wide-eyed Linda and Peter Saarsgard as scumbag husband/pimp Chuck Treynor, Lovelace paints a stark portrait of the inescapable horror of domestic violence and the psychological abuse that lay beneath the glamorous veneer of Linda’s post Deep Throat career.

This is the first foray into fiction for doco directors Epstein and Friedman - and it shows. Their weed soaked portrait of 1970s America feels about as comprehensive as a porno plot - Linda goes from A, which leads to B, then gets a perm, then woops! Pornstar! However it’s this cotton candy beginning which makes the unexpectedly dark turn the film later takes all the more shocking and traumatic. Seyfried is almost unrecognisable as the abused Lovelace, and this really is her best performance to date. In fact the film is carried by extremely strong performances from the stand out cast, with cameos from the likes of Frank Azaria, Adam Brody, Chloe Sevigne and even James Franco as a young Hugh Heffner.

Unfortunately the film fails to demonise the porn industry itself, which was a cause the real Linda was very passionate about, instead focusing on the terrifying relationship between her and Traynor. However Lovelace is an almost visceral study in control, abuse and fear. I walked away feeling like I was the one who had been beaten.

Anna Saxon

Thanks for Sharing

Rush

Directed by: Stuart Blumberg Starring: Gwyneth Paltrow, Mark Ruffalo, Alecia Moore

Director: Ron Howard Staring: Chris Hemsworth, Daniel Brühl, Olivia Wilde There’s a certain risk about this film that makes it rather interesting as a project – get the dramatic elements and character rivalry dynamic wrong and you’ve got Talladega Nights, but fail to keep it fun and glamorous in large sections and you become the harrowingly brilliant Senna without the authenticity. Combined with the fact that Formula 1 is a sport that Americans by and large do not watch or care about, and it’s an intriguing prospect.

This film performed disappointingly at the US box office but that’s more a reflection of the apathy around the sport, because Howard more or less got that balance right between the single-minded insanity central to the cavalier halcyon days of the 1970s Formula 1 tour. That’s largely a credit to the two leads as the increasingly accomplished Chris Hemsworth and the excellent Daniel Brüel manage to nail the rivalry aspect that the film hinges upon, providing a brilliant contrast between the recklessly talented James Hunt and the coldly precise Niki Lauda. The film manages to make the audience appreciate the skills and flaws of both men equally, rather than side with the more charismatic Hunt, and that’s a credit to scriptwriter Peter Morgan. What it lacks in substance, it more than makes up for in style and thills, and it’s probably the best thing Howard has done in recent times.

Wade McCagh

30

Of seeing P!nk live in concert, the well-meaning but misguided mother of a friend of mine said “it was like Cirque de Soleil, but with better music”. That’s pretty much how I felt about P!nk’s/Alecia Moore’s/whatever acting debut in Thanks for Sharing, as in it was a circus, but the music was okay.

The film was co-written and it shows, never deciding on a tone or direction.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s blonde sex pot who once dated an alcoholic, is now pursuing a sex addict and exercises compulsively was enough material for a film in itself (side note: for someone who pretentiously extols the virtues of her ~lifestyle~, does Gwyn not have the hair of a 50-year-old chain smoker? Vegan quinoa balls for thought). Perennial nice guy Mark Ruffalo is unconvincing as our sex addict protagonist, but it’s not really his fault, and constant changes of direction means the film never really has the time to hit the emotional depth it was so obviously striving for. I mean, I haven’t even begun to talk about P!nk’s cameo (which was actually a highlight, if that’s any indication of the film’s quality).

Yet, Thanks for Sharing’s score gave me the emotional punch in the stomach that the dialogue often failed to. The use of Billy Bragg’s ‘Tender Comrade’ in the final scene is genuinely moving, though signposts what was ultimately an unsatisfying ending. And at one point P!nk actually sings ‘Kumbayah’.

See it for that.

Lucy Ballantyne

Gravity Director: Alfonso Cuaron Starring: Sandra Bullock, George Clooney At the start of the year, I wrote a piece in Pelican about how 3D was being used superfluously and to the detriment of the film industry in general. In my opinion, the trend of incorporating 3D into seemingly every new film was being overused as a gimmick that did little to enhance the films it was being used it, and in some cases

even harming them. When used poorly, 3D and other special effects can sink a film. But when used correctly, in the right film and in the right way, these effects can create those cherished cinematic moments that take your breath away.

in recent cinematic memory. The realism employed here to replicate the physics of space are intricate and impressive, and in particular the use of sound in this film is incredible, building a tense and crushingly claustrophobic atmosphere.

Gravity is such a film. On the surface of it, it’s a ‘man against the elements’ survival story that has been played out countless times over the years in film. Even the space setting isn’t exactly new territory. But the form and the use of effects elevates this film into something special. From the 12 minute opening shot showcasing the ingenious use of cinematography and visual/audial effects found throughout the film, director Alfonso Cuaron lays out a grand and ambitious vision over the next 90 minutes.

Some areas of the film perhaps let it down; the necessary character development and some of the dialogue in the first act feels somewhat forced and clunky, but these small qualms are easily forgivable in the context of the unrelenting tension of the film. It’s an emotionally draining affair and credit has to be given to Sandra Bullock, an actress who is having somewhat of a career renaissance of late as she expands past generic comedy and romance films and proves adept in more challenging roles.

The film rests on her shoulders for the most part with uncomfortably suffocating isolation, and she is more than up to the task of carrying that burden. She is likely to get another Oscar nomination for this film, and I dare say Gravity has emerged as an early frontrunner for award season glory.

The film opens on a small team of astronauts carrying out repairs to the Hubble telescope, when a heap of space debris caused by a destroyed satellite caused catastrophic destruction to their ship. A POV perspective of one astronaut being flung out of control and off into space, accompanied to the sound of nothing but hyperventilating and frantic radio transmissions is one of the most terrifying and exhilarating moments

That nearly killed the film right there, but Paramount paid for extra security at cinemas for a few weeks and it took off, becoming a cult classic that to this day is beloved by many.

BE KIND REWIND: The Warriors (1979) Director: Walter Hill Starring: Michael Beck, James Remar, David Patrick Kelly It’s somewhat difficult to explain why The Warriors is such a great film. It was controversial as hell when it came out in 1979 (which was already an emotionally charged and violent time in New York City), mainly because after a limited run in theatres, three murders and sporadic vandalism occurred involving moviegoers on their way to or returning from the movie.

The film is a slightly surreal modern adaptation of Anabasis by Xenophon, and centres on a Coney Island gang called The Warriors in a city teaming with gangs. The most powerful gang leader Cyrus calls an midnight unarmed summit between all the gangs trying to broker a city wide truce, but Luther, leader of the Rogues, shoots Cyrus mid speech and frames the Warriors. The Warriors escape but a hit is put out over the radio and they are left to fight their way through the city back to Coney Island by dawn.

It’s a slightly silly, slight insane, violently brilliant masterpiece by writer/director Walter Hill, who emphasised the “extreme narrative simplicity and stripped down quality” of the script who would later go on to write/ direct Brewster’s Millions and 48 Hrs., and was involved in all of the Aliens movies. The authenticity of the film is its strong point and it’s easy to see why the film was such a hit with New Yorkers. It had no budget, so they shot the film on location from dusk

Wade McCagh

to dawn, with real gang members and offduty police to try to avoid trouble. The set was attacked by gang-members numerous times, the cast was pelted with bricks in some locations and at least one night was cancelled due to a near-by homicide. A lot of the film is improvised, including the iconic moment when Luther drives around the streets, clinking three bottles on one hand together and calling out ‘Waaaarrriioooorssss’ with such deranged commitment it’s incredibly hilarious yet creepy as hell.

Critics largely panned the initial release, but its instant cult status help ensure its legacy and it’s now widely held as a great film. It’s deranged, but its brilliantly deranged and it you’re willing to go along with it, it’s a rewarding experience.

Ronald Reagan liked the film so much he called the lead actor Michael Beck to tell him he screened it at Camp David. If it’s good enough for Rappin’ Ronny, its surely worth your consideration.

Charles Risburg

31

BUCKING SIDEKICKS

by Kate Prendergast

‘Robin!’ wheezes Batman, his falsely-gravelled voice giving way to a squeaky falsetto. ‘Help!’

Robin kneels, knight to his king. He notices the coldness of the rooftop paving grind against his bones, and a strange feeling passes through him.

Some detached processing room in his brain works upon this sensation, and reports back that it was if his sinews had been stroked by a serrated jellyfish tendril. His firm hand slackens.

Something within him, long-repressed, suddenly erupts, leasing rivers of bile to cascade down the entirety of his past.

‘Hey Batty!’ he shouts, rising to shove curled hands beneath sweaty pits. ‘You know what?

Fuck this! Fuck you! Fuck your ego-driven imperialist vigilantism! It ain’t nothing but ego-coddling delusional bullshit man! I resent your intrusive, doctrinaire, self-glorifying, selfjustifying prerogative to penalty-free violence!

I am THROUGH with this underappreciated lifestyle. It is both needlessly perilous and overathletic. I am a person you know. An INDIVIDUAL. With NEEDS. You never attend to my needs. I HAVE NEEDS YOU KNOW!’ And Robin turns away from Batman for the last time, so taking the first step towards his true vocation of becoming a levitating, overweight woodsman and later-author to the best-selling pop-out book for all ages: ‘100 Things to do with an Egg’.

This is an image of a sidekick reneging upon his most fundamental principles. Whilst there is a great deal of variation across sidekick characterizations, the one thing the sidekick will never do is abandon his hero. Like a younger brother incapable of envy, the sidekick is doglike in his loyalty towards the main protagonist. As with Frodo’s Sam or Shrek’s Donkey, he can be beaten, sneered at, spurned, patronized (‘elementary my dear Watson!’) and ultimately cast out by the hero; but the sidekick always comes trotting gallantly back, entirely against his better interests— often just in time to pluck our pig-headed hero from some villainous web. A trusty satellite, the sidekick orbits the protagonist; beaming down the necessary information and generously throwing himself

before any curmudgeonly asteroids that come hurtling left-of-field towards the film’s central body.

I say ‘he’ because most of the time, sidekicks are chaps; mainly for the reason that most heroes are too. Sidekicks are subordinate companions, not lovers, and since many malefemale pairings sooner or later fall into each other’s arms and beds and squiddy mouths, this immediately disqualifies the ‘she’s’ from the category (some Doctor Who series pointedly ignore this convention). In fact, it’s often the case that women characters are presented as interfering with homosocial bonds. During the romantically overtured scenes, the sidekick is either absent, examining his fingernails or has tactfully blurred himself out of focus. Whilst the homosocial bond can be more ‘binding’ than the heterosexual one—particularly if we’re talking about pre-1970’s films— the female character is always necessary to ‘prove’ our hero’s normative heterosexuality (and titillate audiences).

Interestingly, the absence of the trophy girl— as comes through in Lord of the Rings— creates a ‘slippage’ in the homosocial bond; so that it starts pulsating homoerotic overtones.

ego-driven imperialist vigilantism The sidekick himself never seems to have much luck or interest in women; despite him being a far more down-to-earth, supportive partner.

But becoming romantically involved would compromise his ‘til death do us part’ pact with the hero. And so he is consigned to be forever alone.

and socially-alienated hero looks in danger of going off the rails. Sidekicks are also extremely useful for scriptwriters, in that they provide a soundboard for the hero’s thoughts and emotions. Soliloquizing in film generally signals madness, or that it’s been shot as an undergraduate Arthouse project.

Other crucial functions of the sidekick include acting as a kind of ‘human bridge’ between audience and hero; accentuating his virtues through counterpointing them; and providing comic relief to the hero’s tortured gloominess.

This last function was especially important in traditional westerns, where emotion or fallibility were exorcised from the hero’s hard, machinelike masculinity.

As detected by post-colonial critics, the willing subservience of the sidekick sometimes shows up a coagulating residue of old-world ideology.

Short Round, the young Shanghai pickpocketting sidekick to Indianna Jones in the Temple of Doom is exemplar of the gratified subaltern; faithful and admiring towards his surrogate ‘father figure’ who saves him from a life of crime and destitution. It reveals much that the sidekick role can often be filled more effectively by characters that aren’t even human (like Chewbacca); or for that matter alive (like R2D2).

In line with modernity’s more networked, egalitarian, individualist culture, sidekicks are something of a scarcity nowadays. Replacing the dualistic hero/sidekick hierarchy, relationships are more often organized around the structure of the ‘team’— a dynamic system of interdepency; with each member of the group fulfilling some indispensible function. Pratfalls for everyone!

Many sidekicks are thus models of the ideal male bond; but only as imagined by the individual male. Companions like Watson lack the competitive impulse; settling, perhaps, for a close proximity to power. Acknowledging the hero’s transcendent vision and strength, all the sidekick can do is swear fealty to the guy’s muscular morality.

Whilst deferring to the heroes ascendancy, the sidekick is nonetheless abidingly aware his is an indispensible role. Often, his thankless task is to save the hero from himself. Whether it be deflating his ego or propping it up in times of self-doubt, the sidekick provides a regulatory, stabilizing presence when the misunderstood

Batman, voiced by Will Arnett, will feature as a secondary character in the upcoming Lego Movie. Robin will not.

32

Picture by Kate Prendergast

Robin looks at Batman, clinging like an oversized, carapaced rodent to the side of the 1200-story power plant. After a 50-hour battle, in which Robin dutifully saved Batman’s arse at all the right times with dull regularity, Doctor Bojangles is at last sliced up like some expertly-made Fukushima sashimi on the reactor room security fence, millions of feet below.

REVIEW: THE BOAT GOES OVER THE MOUNTAIN The Blue Room Theatre Company September 10th 2013

by Dan Werndly

“My life is a monotonous treadmill of inner turmoil” is the statement that both begins and summarises The Boat Goes Over the Mountain. The biographical piece was a great example of storytelling theatre, as its creator and performer Andrew Hale regaled his experiences with the psychoactive drug Ayuhuasca in the Peruvian badlands.

Hale used emotive and expressive language as well as jokes and humorous segments to engage the audience, meanwhile maintaining a clear storyline that was easily engaging. The play had a real Heart of Darkness feel about it, with a man voyaging into the deepest parts of the jungle only to have his own darkest aspects brought to light. Hale combined elements of song, music and trance to create soundscapes that really added to the dark feel of the play, and

developed an intimate atmosphere. The use of lighting added to this, Hale often using mottled blue and green gobos to not only construct a sense of setting in the minimalist space but break down the preconceived idea of audience and actor, amalgamating them into one cohesive entity. I really appreciated the frankness Hale used when telling his story. He stated almost immediately that the only way he could afford to go to South America and take the Ayuhuasca was to write and perform a play about it after having returned and write it off as a business expense. He also didn’t leave out the bad experiences with the drug both his own, and those of the people he met travelling. He spoke about horrible taste and the sickness afterwards in great detail, providing deep explanations about different techniques used to counter the effects of the drug and keep the horrible

black liquid down. He did show the audience that it was a positive experience in the end, though I was left questioning whether he was able to fully give himself to the experience, and commit to the changes that were being shown to him during the hallucinations.

Hale’s production was a great story, and smoothly utilised a wide range of different technical effects. Hale’s weakness was a lack of backstory and context - he really only mentioned the changes that happened to him, even though his reason for undertaking the journey was so he could reconnect with his family and love them to his fullest potential. Overall however, the production was a great story telling show that smoothly utilised a wide range of different technical effects.

WILLY WONKA AND THE HUNGER GAMES UWA Pantomime Society September 12th 2013

by Brad Griffin What? Willy Wonka meets the Hunger Games? A match made in the recesses of the mind of the severely deranged, surely.

I feel like that kind of appraisal wouldn’t actually be too far off the money. Those panto kids are pretty whack. However, they put on a good show. The eccentric Willy Wonka was portrayed excellently, on par with, and sometimes better than Gene Wilder and Johnny Depp. The storyline was absurd but this is a pantomime, and it is meant to be a little weird. With great use of a little low-brow humor, fantastic puns, a cheeky plant and a whole heap of Easter

eggs and pop-culture references, the UWA pantomime society put on a show that people of all ages above 14 or so would get a good kick out of. And of course, the staple of pantomime, the audience interaction, did not disappoint. Every time a heckler made a witty comment (and most were really not so witty), they were retorted in a manner that was not only humorous, but refrained from insulting the heckler. That’s a sign of clear experience in the pantomime field – keeping calm and witty under audience pressure.

Panto is a good option for a night of silly fun. Bring your mum. Unfortunately the main shows for this year are over, but keep your eyes peeled for a children’s Christmas Pantomime in December – all profits from which go to a selected children’s charity.

Keep your ear out for the word ‘snozzberry’ next time you watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; it means penis. Hope the panto kids used that somehow.

33

REVIEW: SHRINE BLACK SWAN STATE THEATRE COMPANY 4TH SEPTEMBER 2013

by Kat Gillespie Depicting the rush of catastrophic events before and after a young man’s tragic death in an alcohol fuelled car accident, Shrine was a distressing watch for parents and P-platers alike.

Depicting a car crash seemingly ripped straight from a Weekend West headline, the play hit its Perth audience often uncomfortably close to home. As anyone familiar with Tim Winton might predict, every location and reference was familiar – the southern coastal town setting, references to AFL, and a plot centred on surf culture.

A creative (if rather sparse looking) set combined with director Kate Cherry’s willingness to utilise every corner of the stage meant Shrine was lovely to look at, even from the cheap seats. Yet the real strength of the production was its cast.

Australian television stalwart John Howard gave an unsurprisingly solid performance as Adam Mansfield, a grieving father haunted by the

ghost of his son Jack, played by Paul Ashcroft.

Ashcroft and his fellow young cast mates Luke McMahon and Will McNeil all gave disturbingly accurate portrayals of young ex private schoolboys whose surfing road trip turns nightmarish. By far the stand out performance was that of Whitney Richards, the country girl left heartbroken by Jack’s death. Richards’ portrayal of June, Jack’s secret admirer, was warm and convincing. Although she was often faced with the most long winded and confronting passages of dialogue in the play, her interactions with John Howard were still the production’s most engaging by far.

It must be frustrating to direct a Tim Winton play. While finely crafted sentences may be enough for an acclaimed novel, successful theatre requires something more than pretty wording. In Black Swan’s previous Winton penned piece, Rising Water, the author’s eloquent words were doomed to be performed

in long monologues by actors stranded in stasis on stage, without direction or action to propel the plot forward. Winton seemed uninterested in making the leap from audiobook to drama, and his audience suffered for it.

Shrine too had a tendency to get lost in its own adjectives, but its cast rose to the challenge. In fact, compared to Winton’s previous dramatic works, this play was a breath of uh, fresh ocean air. Rather than giving the impression of having written a novel and then gutted it to fit the stage, Winton finally seemed willing to embrace theatre as a medium unto itself, recognising that dramatic performance creates new storytelling possibilities where the novel form experiences limitations. Overlook a few of the more hyperbolic soliloquys and this was a great, if harrowing, piece of theatre.

REVIEW: TESTING THE TEMPER UNIVERSITY DRAMATIC SOCIETY SEPTEMBER 17TH 2013

by Dan Werndly Testing the Temper, the latest play by UWA’s University Dramatic Society, created an atmosphere that was provoking and powerful.

The play followed the story of Daniel Cooper, played by the production’s scriptwriter Thomas Owen. Cooper is a policeman who has been inserted undercover into an Australian mob group headed by Michael Lassiter, played by Ben McAllister. Cooper’s intent to bring the group to justice falls apart as the play progresses and his ultimate motive, the assisted suicide of his wife who suffers a fatal and debilitating disease, is revealed. Owen should be commended for the unpredictability of his script writing, as this twist was only revealed in the final minutes of the play, cemented by a cut away scene between Cooper and his wife.

The main themes of the play were thrown about somewhat clumsily by the cast. The impact of battle of the genders was key, as demonstrated by strong female characters such as Zoe Lassiter, the wife of the mob boss and Sienna Lassiter, his daughter, played by Sally Clune and Isabelle Roden respectively. The idea of mere survival being insufficient for living is also brought into play by Cooper’s wife, who was played by Emily Thorne. The fear and power of modern technology was haphazardly inserted too, with multiple references to Mr Lassiter’s laptop.

Although the play was representational and happens in real time within a single room, the direction and action managed to keep the audience engaged and entertained. This was

due to the subtle humour that was ever present throughout the play and the mystery that shrouded Cooper, whose actions constantly seemed contradictory. The cast was relatively small, with a reasonably high calibre of acting, however some of the character choices by the male actors didn’t seem to fit with the representational style of the play. They appeared to be more caricature and over the top than was really necessary and really could have been improved with some more careful consideration.

Other than that, the quality of the performance, including the set and costumes, was quite high especially considering the relatively low budget with which the University Dramatic Society had to work.

The TV series Lockie Leonard has a higher IMDB rating than Matt LeBlanc’s short lived Friends spinoff Joey, so that’s something.

34

THE MALE NUDE VS THE FEMALE NUDE The female nude is a masterpiece, her beauty complemented by rosy cheeks, a fleeting gaze, or a risqué pose that exposes her jewels to the entire world. A ubiquitous presence in galleries, the female body is constantly objectified in the arts. In comparison, it often appears that little attention is paid to the male nude and the inspiration it may inspire.

Historically however, this has not always been the case. Over time, the power and popularity of the male versus female nude has fluctuated in favour of one or the other.

Ever since the Renaissance, the naked male body has been considered an important object of study in art academies. It was however deemed inappropriate for female viewing, with women denied access to both these schools and their classes. The male body was thought to possess such power that women would be blinded by its naked sight. Presumably these Renaissance art students stood around studying naked men, studiously avoiding each other’s gazes and periodically muttering “no homo”. Ancient Greek culture, amongst the first to popularize the nude sculpture, was of course entrenched in a form of homo-eroticism well studied today.

periodically muttering “no homo” The male nude was used in Greek sculpture to portray idealised figures such as Gods, historical heroes and the champions at the Olympic Games. The depiction of male power and dominance was considered important, with women pushed to the sidelines. The depiction of the female nude began much later, yet it remained improper for female portraits to depict nudity.

The power of the male body comes at the price of the female body being rendered powerless. The concept of the female body being considered indecorous and shameful harks back to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Eve, vulnerable to the snake’s temptation, eats the apple. With that single action she transforms into a wicked temptress who convinces Adam to also eat from the tree.

After the rise of Christianity, portrayal of nudes in the West decreased drastically, in contrast to

the glory days of the Ancient Greeks. Hidden from view, nudes could only be seen if it was a biblical depiction or a religious moral was attached. Nudity became confronting, initiating sexual desire and lust. Slowly portraits of both female nudes and males began to withdraw from the public realm, like pornography, acceptable only in private, away from prying eyes.

A hint of nudity was scandalous, considered legitimate only in ancient art. Yet more rebellious artists like Gustav Klimt sought to highlight the beauty of the naked flesh. Klimt, a great lover of women (he was alleged to have had fourteen illegitimate children) painted solely female portraits in order to showcase the phenomenon that is the female body. His work, sometimes displayed behind a screen in order to avoid corrupting the sensibilities of the young, was highly criticized during his lifetime. In 1894, when he presented paintings he had been commissioned for to the University of Vienna, Klimt came under attack for ‘pornography’ and ‘perverted excess’.

Philosophy, Medicine and Jurisprudence, were eventually destroyed by retreating SS forces in 1945 with the great work and talent of a man destroyed in moments. His later painting, Goldfishes (to my critics), was essentially a giant fuck you to societal constraints, with a smiling woman projecting her bottom at the viewer. Nevertheless Klimt was a well sought after portraitist, due to his ability to make those society madams look sexually appealing (i.e. hot stuff), even if they were not beautiful in the classical sense.

Essentially conveying that even if people deny it, sex will always sell itself.

sexual urges that lie beneath the surface of humanity. Confronting and shocking, the naked body is not allowed to hold power.

This power play is why naked bodies are often only seen in a submissive or passive setting. In television and films, the female nude is often seen just before sex or during a love scene. Boob screen time is largely in disproportion to penis screen time, with prime time TV featuring countless boobs and bedazzled vaginas. The female body is an object given to the viewer, with her body ultimately being deemed powerless.

According to Freud’s ‘Penis Envy’ theory, girls desire a penis and the power that it represents. This great power is perhaps why penises are rarely seen on screen and when they are, it places men in a humorous setting. Additionally the revealing of male flesh makes males vulnerable, and susceptible to harm. Unlike the female body, the naked male body is confronting. While the Ancient Greeks may have associated the male nude with triumph and glory, this contrasts with the attitudes prevalent in other parts of the ancient world, and the modern world today. Undress is associated with disgrace and defeat, with modesty expected of us all.

Overt sexual overtones continued with Klimt’s protégée Egon Schiele who, unlike Klimt, painted male nudes.

Schiele’s twisted body shapes and expressive lines caused great unease in those of his time, with many finding the explicitness of his works disturbing.

In 1911, he and his lover were driven out of the town in which they were living, due to alleged employment of the town’s teens as models. A year later Schiele was arrested by police, and more than a hundred drawings were seized due to their pornographic nature. Nudity, obscuring the fine line between art and pornography took Schiele as its victim and punished him for his attempts to depict the

In 1989, 5% of the Met’s public collection in the Modern Art Section was by female artists, while 85% of the nudes were female. This was discovered by The Guerrilla Girls during what they dubbed a ‘weenie count’.

Picture by Jessica Cockerill

by Lauren Wiszniewski

35

ALBUM REVIEWS Eleventh He Reaches London Banhus Hobbledehoy 8.0

Eraser’, both of which are wicked stories delivered by an awesome voice who will hopefully go places and continue doing this for a while to come. Listen to it.

Jae Laffer When The Iron Glows Red Dew Process 7.0

- Connor Weightman Banhus (which is Old English for “body”, literally translating to “vonehouse”), the Perth quintet’s third album, is also its most skeletal, strippedback release. This of course is relative, because a three-guitar band is never really going to be that stripped-back; songs still contain the layered melodic folk and post-rock style guitar from previous releases, there’s still chanting and they even still find use for the banjo on “Veil”.

However, with the clear exception of “Code Entwined”, their metal tendencies have largely been abandoned, there are less prog complexities and lyrically, it’s less dense and contextually demanding.

It’s still technically impressive and lyrically ambitious, but the new approach allows the emotional despair, cynicism and despondency of their signature sound to take centre stage, exploring powerful existential themes. Eleventh have managed to make a cleaner record than its predecessor, whilst retaining or even enhancing its depth and darkness, and if that gets more people listening to them, then it’s definitely a good thing to me.

- James Munt Courtney Barnett How to Carve a Carrot into a Rose EP Milk Records 8.5 Here is the deal: Courtney Barnett is probably cooler than you and I but I get the impression she’d be pretty nice about it, or possibly even deny it. This EP has six songs on it.

Three of them are more than alright, one is pretty forgettable, and two of them make one of the best back-to-back’s on any release anywhere this year. I’m talking about ‘Avant Gardener’ and ‘History

36

McKisko Eximo El Nino El Nino records 7.0 Great beauty can come with simplicity.

In a world of oversaturated colours, sounds and experiences, sometimes it is reassuring to hear a voice not remastered by autotune. McKisko’s voice is a haunting one, complimenting the eerie soundtrack that she inhabits. Once described as “sounding like an angel singing while walking over crushed glass”, she places the sublime in the ordinary. Emotionally charged, McKisko often asks questions for which there are no answers, defining humanity in one go. Like a ghost passing through, listeners are left with a slight chill and beckoning goose bumps.

Let it be known this is not happy music, but music that leaves one raw inside. However, at times McKisko can be grating, with her cherished voice causing sensory overload to the point of irritation. Fillers such as ‘aaah, ahhhh, da da da da daaaaaaaadaaa” come off as a pointless exhibition of her vocal range.

Similarly, being concise is not McKisko’s strength, although that may be because she is unrestrained by the same things us mere mortals are. Track variation could also be greater, with the majority of the album sounding relatively similar.

However as McKisko’s reminds us with her line, “cast your sorrows, find your holding peace”, in ‘Good Grief’, throw away these criticisms and find comfort in what is right in front of you.

- Lauren Wiszniewski

To me it seems like the major struggle that artists releasing solo side projects have is in actually making their solo music distinctive from that of their band, and whilst The Panics frontman Jae Laffer’s first solo release is a solid effort, I’m not sure it succeeds in this.

However, whilst this is an issue, it is not an all-defeating one, and When The Iron Glows Red is still a fairly enjoyable piece of indie-folk-pop.

One of the more interesting aspects of this album is Laffer’s willingness to work with a variety of keyboard and guitar sounds. This can especially be seen in the variety of solos on the album, which unusually made some of my favourite moments. The saxophone in ‘Leaving on Time’ is warm and unexpected and ends the song perfectly, whilst a soaring, epic guitar solo halfway through ‘It’s in All of Us’ comes totally out of nowhere on this largely piano driven album, and gives the track a significant intensity boost.

Lyrically however, this album is perhaps not up to the standard Laffer sets in his previous work. The biggest problem is that for most of the record, he seems to articulate fairly dull sentiments in a way that is not really clever or entertaining. It is not necessarily bad lyricism, merely unimaginative. Though I do have a soft spot for tracks like ‘Don’t Make Me Wait’, the lyricism found here just does not measure up to Panics classics like ‘Creak’. Ultimately I enjoyed this album, but I am glad of Laffer’s reassurances that The Panics are very much still together.

- Hugh Manning

The All Seeing Hand Mechatronics Tenzenmen 6.5 I was never really much a fan of throat singing. I was never really much a fan of electro. Post-punk I could deal with. The All Seeing Hand brings this weird combination together on their second album Mechatronics. I think it’s pretty admirable that these guys are willing to make music that isn’t going to be accessible for about 95% of the population, but they do it anyway.

Having said that, I found myself strangely entertained by this record. The drumming is the standout, laying down heavy walls of technical beats that complement whatever the hell those crazy turntables are doing – which is usually some pretty damn impressive stuff. The less said about the vocals (read: the sounds of a man wailing at the agony of having his larynx torn out – but by the sounds of it, he kinds of enjoys it? – but I digress) the better. The standout track is the interestingly named ‘Lying Dead With A Bar of Soap’ – the vocals are actually good on this one – really good. The grinding, earthy second track ‘Clot’, and the tribalsounding Grab & Smash’ are also good listens. All in all, Mechatronics is pretty weird, but worth a go.

fire with the flames giving an orange light glow to the room, accompanied by some whiskey or rum to warm your insides, and all you need is a soundtrack to make it even cosier? [Ed: Natasha is in Norway at the moment so CONTEXT].

You know when it’s a Sunday afternoon and you don’t want to think that it will be Monday tomorrow and that it’s going to take another five days until the weekend begins, so all you want to do is just forget and let your mind and body fall into a state of a relaxed coma – yet you just need something to help you get into that position?

Mazzy Star’s new album Seasons of Your Day is the ideal choice for anyone needing a new record to chill out to. You can put it on in the background and it’s the perfect companion – it won’t completely distract you, yet you can’t neglect its magical 90’s psych-folk-pop sounds.

- Natasha Woodcock Day Ravies Tussle Popboomerang Records 8.0 Today sunny day I listen to Day Ravies make music for people who just wake up asleep perpetually can’t stay

- Brad Griffin Mazzy Star Seasons of Your Day Rhymes of an Hour 7.0

on task or think straight. It’s as though they looked into my ants nest mind and trust today sunny day I listen to Day

You know those days when you can’t be bothered doing anything remotely productive, and you just want to lay down on your comfy bed/sofa put on a record and daze out to laid back tunes?

Ravies knew that thrust squalled guitars if played against woozy vocals yep shoegaze must wake up asleep perpetually can’t stay

You know those days when it’s raining and all you want to do is curl up by the

above water drown in unabashed grey shades of nineties derivative sap plus today sunny day I listen to Day

this is the next best thing drop sneers adjust wake up asleep perpetually can’t stay Tussle ing with the bedsheets anyway dreampop I always forget dreams they rust today sunny day I listen to Day wake up asleep perpetually can’t stay.

- Connor Weightman Dave Simple Songs for Simple People Self-released 7.5 I’d really love to tell you all to go catch Dave play at the Bird or whatever next time they have a gig, but I can’t. Those days are gone. Like Jochebed, Dave ceased to exist as a functioning thing as soon as they floated this baby floated down the figurative Nile, and it’s a dead shame because they are without much qualification one of the most inventive, witty and downright clever guitar pop bands to come out of Perth in the last decade. There are some pretty mega songs here, but stuff like ‘I Wanna Be Ignored’ and ‘Red Eye’ make the Wedding Present (or pretty much anyone else who picks up a guitar and a cardigan at the same time) look like a bunch of dead-eyed goldfish in a leaky bag on a backseat. Like Echo & the Bunnymen playing Big Star songs with lyrics that were never above rhyming ‘gin and tonic’ with ‘platonic’ (which is really actually in fact as high as you can get), Simple Songs is worth the hassle of having to email them and give up your address before waiting by the mailbox, because even if you could find the record on the internet, the only way to listen to this is in a car driving aimlessly down Railway Parade or on a balcony or in a backyard with a bunch of friends. The Perth summer is coming, complete with nebulous party afternoons, lazy wooden floorboards and almost-something never-weres with people who remind you of stuff you can’t place anyway; spend it with people who get it.

- Alex Griffin

Ravies I love MBV and I say

37

TV ROUNDUP: What New TV Deserves A Place On Your Watchlist?

by Cameron Moyses Well, a batch of new shows have made their debut over in America, ushering in the fall season of television. With Breaking Bad, Boardwalk Empire, The Newsroom, and Dexter coming to a close, I can imagine many people are left with a gaping hole in their schedule for some TV series to fill on a weekly basis.

But which if these new shows are worth your time? Well, since I’m nothing if not a loyal servant of the people, here are some rundowns of premiers, pilots and early first seasons of each.

Dads Let’s kick it off with something truly awful.

The premise? Two game developers are stuck living with their racist, homophobic fathers, and hilarity ensues. There are many things wrong with Dads, but perhaps the biggest misfire was the usage of the multi-cam, canned laughter format for a traditional sitcom. Here we have an invisible audience, meant to represent us, hooting and jeering at a bunch of stupidly offensive racial stereotypes being misrepresented. It’s enough to make me feel sick. There really aren’t a lot of jokes here and not many reasons to crack a smile, unless of course colourful metaphors for “tiny Chinese penis” is your thing. If you’re an active member of the patriarchy then you may get a kick out of the dialogue asking things like “Where’s the gay guy?” or “What are you playing? Punch the Puerto Rican?” Otherwise, there really isn’t a lot here in terms of actual jokes. Actually, forget what I said, Dads is my new favourite shit. I will look forward to it ever week with a bottle of whisky and take a shot every time the show makes me feel like a horrible human being. I encourage all of you to do the same.

Prediction: Dads sucks, I can’t imagine this lasting more than 10 episodes before Fox pulls the plug.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Brooklyn Nine-Nine is my favourite new comedy to air this fall. It’s your standard ‘workplace comedy’, only this time taking place in a police precinct; a twist on the eternal glut of crime dramas. Jake Perelta is a young, immature hotshot who likes to goof

38

off, and is met with adversity with the arrival of the new, no-nonsense captain Ray Holt. It’s a pretty simple show, but it brings plenty of episodic set-pieces as well as a seasonal arc for Jake’s development as a detective, which is easy to get behind. My one complaint for the pilot was the tone, which balanced unevenly in and out of ‘real-world’ and ‘wacky, sitcom world’. The pilot laid the groundwork extremely well, and like any sitcom, a good half-season is needed for the writers to properly figure out which direction to take.

Prediction: I think this will turn into everyone’s favourite new comedy, and will only get better and better over time. Keep an eye on this one.

The Blacklist The Blacklist has James Spader doing his very best Hannibal Lector impersonation.

The premise? Raymond ‘Red’ Reddington, International Man of Mystery, has gone rogue from the CIA for 23 years, operating on the “dark side of crime”. Now, he’s willing to sell information back to the organization he abandoned. I didn’t make that Silence of the Lambs comparison lightly, since ‘Red’ is locked under the watch of armed guards at all times, and he refuses to talk to anyone except for Elizabeth Keen, a rookie female agent. Spader also nails that smug, selfamused schtick that only he and Anthony Hopkins can pull off. While the pilot certainly has its share of guns and car crashes, its delivery feels cheap and is a far cry from the slick production values of the more premium channels.

Prediction: The Blacklist is silly stuff, but Spader is fun to watch, which might be enough to keep it afloat for a few seasons.

Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D feels like the cheap, Bali knockoff version of The Avengers.

Considered canon within The Avengers universe, it tells the story of the secret government organisation S.H.I.E.L.D who work to prevent alien invasions, led by the wait-didn’t-he-die Agent Coulson. Despite the dense background, the show does well to bring newcomers up to speed on the Marvel film universe. It’s all very sleek and is laced with that beloved Joss Whedon dialogue, but

doesn’t have the budget to match Avengers, landing it in an odd ditch between TV and cinema. Uniquely placed, it’s got the potential to explore its niche and really craft a name for itself, and Whedon is better qualified than most to do that.

Prediction: With the solid pilot and great premise, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. looks like it very might well become as incredible as it is promises. This is defiantly on my watch list, and I think S.H.I.E.L.D will be staying with us for a long time.

Makes me feel like a horrible human being The Goldbergs The Goldbergs is a standard family comedy, Malcolm in the Middle style, but set in the ‘80s, and The Goldbergs never misses an opportunity to remind you of that, choice influences including; ‘Go-Bots’, ‘Brooke Shields!’ and ‘Those-jeans-that-mums-usedto-wear-that-go-way-up-the-waist!” The other major characteristic to help The Goldbergs stand out against the sea of other comedy series Patton Oswalt narration. Playing a modern day aged version of the youngest son in the family, the How I Met Your Mother influence is heavy. As a comedy series, The Goldbergs is fine, but like most need a good half-season to get into its groove with character nuance and flow, but the foundation is promising. There’s a few pretty good, cutefunny moments in the pilot alone and it’s got me wanting to see if it improves.

Prediction: I think the series is good enough, but whether that translates into ratings and future seasons will depend more on what timeslot it gets and what it goes up against.

Seeming how network executives work off Ouija board logic I have no idea how this will turn out.

The Michael J. Fox Show Michael J. Fox stars in The Michael J. Fox Show’. ‘Michael’ is a former, beloved celebrity, and the series chronicles his triumphant return back to his professional career, after

The first episode of Boardwalk Empire, directed by Martin Scorcese, cost $18 million to make. Part of this cost was due to Scorsese’s insistance that the planks in the boardwalk were the exact same size as the actual planks used in Atlantic City at the time.

leaving due to severe Parkinson’s disease.

The main character is called ‘Mike’. Did I mention this was called The Michael J. Fox Show? While the degree of which the show is about itself does get distracting, it is pretty funny. The series positions itself around ‘Mike’ balancing out his professional life with his family life, and the effects of his crippling disease are played out for laughs, which somehow works. It’s all very cute and fun. The writing is solid, and goes for ‘weird-funny’ and the comedic talent of Michael J. Fox, as well as the rest of his family, are all very strong. It’s not perfect, it tries to be more ‘heartfelt’ than it outright deserves to be, but overall it’s a very strong debut and over time could grow into one of the best new comedies.

Prediction: NBC ordered a full season, even before the pilot was shot. With that confidence, and the strong opening, I think this will stick around for a while.

Masters of Sex Masters of Sex is the new, schmoozy premium cable drama from Showtime, that deals with researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson in the 1950’s studying the revolutionary field of sex and human sexuality. Much of the tension and drama in Masters of Sex comes from their study being in direct conflict with traditional values held at the time. Can two people simply have a good time and leave it like that? This is what sits at the heart of what makes Masters of Sex so entertaining to watch. Michael Sheen and Lizzy Caplan are

terrific from the very start, and this material allows them to tap into the talent they have to provide the depth their characters needed.

The chemistry between them two is also very smooth, and natural, their interactions brings the show its best moments. It’s also really refreshing to see a show about ‘sex’, ‘life’ and ‘sexuality’, rather than ‘death’ and ‘the dark side of human nature’. Showtime has a real winner here.

Prediction: This most certainly deserves a place on your watchlist. My bet is that Masters of Sex becomes “that new TV show everyone keeps talking about”, so I’d get on it now for the endless race for hipster cred.

Sleepy Hollow Quick rundown: Our hero, Ichabod Crane, has awoken after being dead in a cave for 200 years after slaying one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse during the American Civil War (stay with me here). The decapitated horseman is reaping havoc with the town of Sleepy Hollow, and now it’s up to the buddy cop team-up of Ichabod Crane and Lt. Abbie Mills to work together and prevent the oncoming apocalypse. Sleepy Hollow is kind of fascinating; on one hand, it’s full of laughably bad dialogue and nonsensical plots, but on the other, it’s kinda, sorta pretty awesome. Sleepy Hollow is cheesy gold and never shies away from just how absurd it is in every moment of its pilot, and the end result is a charming, incredible show that I can’t stop myself watching.

Prediction: With the amount of energy and confidence the pilot episode uses to barrel through its twisted and confusing mythology, I have no idea how Sleepy Hollow will carry through future episodes without completely falling apart by the fifth episode.

Wondering why Walter White wears tighty whities? Because Bryan Cranston wanted his character to wear the “most pathetic thing possible.”

39

SUMMER MUSIC FESTIVALS: A PELIGUIDE

by Connor Weightman Ah, summer! Festival season! Yes, that time of year where you spend a lot of money to have your favourite band ruined by the obnoxious twats around you, driving you to spend the rest of your life savings negotiating some new and unfairly complicated drink system before finishing up in the 11pm Hole of Bitter Despair. There’s nothing quite like it! But say you have been studying hard all year and can only afford to go to like one or two of these things, and don’t know where to invest your time and money; never fear, since Pelican has put together a guide based entirely on lazy research and self-assured music-jerk opinions, so you don’t have to do too much thinking for yourself. (Ed- Call us Pitchfork ;) Stereosonic When: Saturday November 30 - Sunday December 1 Where: Claremont Showgrounds Who: David Guetta, Calvin Harris, Empire of the Sun, etc.

How much: ~$200 Why you should: Do you like watching DJs DJing? Do you wear dumb hats and fluoro colours? Do you consider yourself at home amongst the contemporary electronic music zeitgeist? Does your dub step? If yes, this is probably the thing for you!

Why you shouldn’t: The festival poster design has each artist looking like a brand of television. This line-up could learn something about gender equality from Tony Abbott.

Someone will probably tag you on facebook telling everyone about how great a day you’re having and how much the vibes are being felt.

Verdict: Not for me, but I am told that I hate having fun so take that how you will.

Slanted & Enchanted When: Saturday December 7 Where: The Astor Theatre (6pm-11:40) & the Bakery (10pm-late) Who: Deerhunter, Cave, Metz, Le1f, Jon Hopkins, Kelpe How much: $69/$39 or $99 for both.

Why you should: Perth promo-gods Life is Noise previously curated last year’s This Is Nowhere festival, which turned out to be a fantastic day. Their continued ambition to use the one-off festival format to bring together quality things which people might not have heard of is admirable. Also, points for being named after Pavement’s best album. The whole

40

line-up is solid, and the late-night Bakery treble of left-field electronica + Le1f is a probable winner.

Why you shouldn’t go: Solid, but not mindblowing, and it might feel like the price is too great unless you really like Deerhunter. The two-seperate-venues-with-slight-time-overlap thing is also a bit befuddling.

Verdict: Still on the fence about the whole, but easily sold on the second part.

Southbound When: Friday January 3 & Saturday January 4 Where: Sir Stewart Bovell Park, Busselton Who: Grizzly Bear, The Roots, Cat Empire, Vampire Weekend How much: $129 one day, $189 both days, $210 inc camping.

Why you should: Southbound is WA’s biggest/only summer camping festival, and thus there is a chance you will have a good time with friends (old or newly acquired) even if the music itself falls by the wayside. Also apparently they’re turning ten, and everyone likes a birthday party right?

Why you shouldn’t: This year’s line-up is pretty much mediocrity incarnate. It’s kind of like everyone was picked from a greater list of particularly boring high-rotation on triple J acts, thrown together with a few happy nostalgics. The Wombats are playing. Eww. Verdict: Not this time.

Why you should: Most of the line-up looks worth seeing, and a fair bit of variety to boot. Great local additions, as always. You can experience the novelty of watching the Jezebels, and then watching Daughter, who sound exactly like the Jezebels except with better songs.

Why you shouldn’t: Laneway crowds have for whatever reason been fucking atrocious on occasion in terms of their capacity to detract from a live performance to the point of ruination. Perhaps the move to Freo will fix this?

Verdict: I’d put my money on it.

Soundwave When: Monday March 3 Where: Claremont Showgrounds (again) Who: Avenged Sevenfold, Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains, Green Day How much: $187 Why you should: If you really like “alternative”, “heavy” music from two or three decades past, well, you probably already have a ticket to this. As always, the middle-tier brings a couple of acts that are of interest.

Why you shouldn’t: None of the first ten listed bands are any good (any more), ssshh.

Verdict: Pass.

Big Day Out When: Sunday February 2 Where: Claremont Showgrounds Who: Arcade Fire, Blur, Snoop [animal], Pearl Jam How much: $185 Why you should: Blur were pretty good.

Why you shouldn’t: More reasons than I can begin to list.

Verdict: It always takes something special to get me into that hot cesspit of aggressivelydrunk bile, and this year’s offering falls well short.

St.Jeromes Laneway Festival When: Saturday February 8 Where: Fremantle Esplanade Who: Four Tet, Frightened Rabbit, Lorde, Dick Diver How much: $130

On the back cover of Alice in Chain’s first album is a man with three legs playing ukulele. Now that you know that, you never need to buy it!

CULTURE REVIEWS

Grand Theft Auto V Grand Theft Auto 5 is more than just grand; it is magnificent, bursting at the seams with incredible amounts of detail. It’s a hard to put down experience. GTA 5 not only stays truthful to the grim yet hilarious series, but also takes near bounds and leaps where no other games have gone and executes it perfectly. You drive, shoot, fly and ride your way through the expansive San Andreas state with three different characters; each equipped with a special ability to help

Breaking Bad Series Finale JESSE, THERE ARE SPOILERS, FOR MY FAMILY

you in gunfights, street races and meth fuelled rampages. Unlike most games which cannot pull off three protagonists, GTA 5 does it flawlessly; there’s Michael the middle aged American Beauty-esque father and ex bank robber whose life is in a shambles, Franklin the gangster who wants to escape the hood, and Trevor the gun toting, meth cooking, human remains eating hillbilly who brutally murders anyone who insults his “silent” Canadian accent. The missions are more refined and engaging than past ones; no longer are you simply driving characters from point A to B, you’re driving to a hill to shoot down a jet plane, then chase it across the desert while shooting members of motor cycle gangs. There are over 100 missions, each rich and humorous. A stand out mission, ‘Kill All Hipsters’ proved to be a favourite, where a shotgun to the face of a fake glasses toting, skinny jeans wearing coffee drinker felt ever so right. The soundtrack is just as great as past GTAs, with a great mixture of every genre, from

top of the pops with Rhianna, to LA rap with Kendrick Lamar, to 80s with Queen, and even one station hosted by Steven Pope and Nathan Wiliams from surf rock band Wavves. The great humour of GTA 5 pokes fun at everything and anything; from the media, Facebook, cartoons, cosplay, politics, feminism, Call of Duty and even office supplies. The well written dialogue is also rich and in depth, where every line will have you in tears from laughter, or experiencing that foreign thing known as “emotions”. Grand Theft Auto 5 is a must buy game, which you will play through over and over, then place on a pedestal and dedicate a local cult to worshipping it. If I had 2 livers, I would sell both for this game, because it’s easily Game of the Year, and possibly even the generation.

“Guess I got what I deserve”. These lyrics from Bad Finger’s ‘Baby Blue’ echo throughout the credits of the end of what has been hailed as one of the greatest TV series of all time. ‘Felina’, the sixteenth episode of the second half season 5 has been highly anticipated since the midseason finale last year. This ‘ending-ofan-era-episode’ had me on the edge of my seat every second, from Walt threatening to kill multi-millionaires to escaping from his safe house and finally reaping revenge on everyone who has ever so much as looked at him funny. Just like every episode, scenes are beautifully shot, packed to the brim with little hints and nods to previous seasons in the glorious organic continuity the series has become known for. When I went into the episode, I didn’t know what I wanted; if I wanted Walt to die a horrible death to pay for his evil deeds, or maybe redeem himself for everything he’s done. But the ending which Vince Gilligan beautifully crafted pleased every desire I had for the meth tycoon

Walter White. The episode ties up any loose ends you may have questioned, as well making sure every character receives closure, except for maybe Huell (Huell be in my heart). The ending scene however, was not only much darker than the rest of the series, but also action packed and gripping, with a shootout to end all shootouts which will have you screaming “YEAH MR WHITE”. Plus what happens to Todd (AKA Meth Damon) will satisfy everyone who ever thought he was one creepy ass weirdo. I realise that the finale of Breaking Bad not only exceeded my expectations; it took them out to the shed, tied them up and made them cook top notch blue meth before executing them.

Lachlan Palamara

Lachlan Palamara

41

CORPORATE ALLIANCES Hate them or love them, the issue of allegiance to either one of these corporations is one of the most divisive of issues facing human society.

I’m not talking about Coke or Pepsi, or the Playstation 4 against Xbox One, but of course those venerable rivals, Samsung and Apple; two of the biggest technology corporations on the planet, locked in a pitched battle across the planet for our money and our loyalty. On one side, we have Apple. Arguably one of the most powerful computer companies in the world, its influence on society and pop culture is undeniable. You cannot walk five steps in UWA without seeing someone using a Macbook or an iPhone. Its advertisements have left a lasting impression on us (who could forget the ad with the silhouetted dancers, soundtracked by “Are You Gonna Be My Girl” [Ed- unfortunately]) and are watched and parodied endlessly. On the other hand, we have Samsung, one of the few massive mega-corporations in South Korea, manufacturers of cars, tanks, missiles and smartphones. The challenge they have given Apple is legendary with its Galaxy phones and tablets, successfully challenging Apple at every corner of the globe on their own turf.

It seems like the clash of the titans, a war between two companies with infinite resources.

It seemed that way during the legal battles that Apple waged against Samsung, accusing the Korean company of stealing its phone designs and profiting off Apple’s designs and patents.

It made world news when judges ruled in both sides favour, despite the billions were sunk into the legal battle. Yet for all this fighting and rivalry, Apple is finding out that breaking up with Samsung is incredibly hard. Apple simply cannot live with Samsung; the key lies in the inner workings of the iPhone and iPad. Both devices require microprocessors to function and Apple had to source a company that had the capacity to churn out those microprocessors fast enough to keep up with the demand. This meant that the company Apple had searched for must have factories big enough to build HUGE amounts of chips and factories complex enough to assemble the chips that Apple needed. Apple needed a company who could do that.

Years ago, Samsung made an interesting decision to invest billions into joining the chip manufacturing industry, at a time when a fabrication plant cost anywhere between $2

42

billion to $5 billion to build. Since the company had the money lying around anyway, it invested everything into those plants, putting it in direct competition with other chip companies like Intel and Taiwan Semiconductor Manufacturing. They needed a huge contract to justify the billions it spent on constructing its fabrication plants.

Samsung managed to land Apple as its first massive computation chip customer when the original iPhone was heading to the markets.

Apple needed someone to fabricate the ARM chip that would help give the iPhone its low power consumption plus speed, and Samsung said it was up for the job. This initial job eventually became a dependency, as Apple began to use Samsung exclusively to assemble the microchips that it needed for almost all its iPhones and iPads. Every single piece of Apple hardware ran on Samsung-made chips.

You can see the awkwardness forming here; you have two companies fighting a huge legal tussle over copyright information, while at the same time one company is happily manufacturing the core components for its rival’s flagship products. You might ask why not simply find someone else to manufacture its chips? The conundrum that Apple faces (and is beginning to fix by slowly changing its suppliers and trying to manufacture its own chips) is that Samsung is the world’s biggest maker of some of the most complex parts that Apple needs and they had invested more than half a decade working with Samsung on building custom chips for the

iPhones. This is a relationship that is not easily broken.

Interestingly, Samsung apparently splits its company in such a way that the chip-making portion of the company does not talk to the phone design portion of the company. This is an ethical challenge as Samsung is privy to many of Apple’s trademark secrets and is directly competing with them. It seems that the two parts of the company do not talk to each other about what the other is doing, upholding some bizarre form of patent protection mixed with ‘Scouts Honour’. This is proven by the fact that Samsung does trail behind Apple in some key chip advances and component features.

Maybe Apple is slowly moving away from a dependency on Samsung, and maybe they are starting to manufacture its own chips in house or start seeking other companies like TSMC to manufacture its chips for them. Suffice to say, this is one of the strangest couplings I have ever seen. Two mega-corporations that are actively trying to out compete each other in the smartphone and tablet markets yet cannot live without each other.

Yes. Samsung makes missiles, and apparently they’re pretty good. Let’s see Siri destroy an armored target.

Picture by Camden Watts

by Kenneth Woo

GÉNÉRATION AU FEU

by Samuel J. Cox Here at Pelican, we ask the big questions: Why is a raven like a writing desk? Is Kanye allowed to say that? Is this a yeast infection?

This article questions whether it is possible (however tenuous the link) to fit authors from the Lost Generation to the model offered to us by The A-Team. Why? Because, like Russell Crowe in that movie where he has imaginary friends, we have curious minds.

ICYMI, The A-Team is an American TV show in which Mr. T and friends work as soldiers of fortune, pitying fools and trying to clear their names for a ‘crime they didn’t commit’. The titular group was led by Hannibal Smith,played

by George Peppard (the person in Breakfast at Tiffany’s who isn’t Audrey Hepburn). There was also Templeton ‘Face’ Peck, ‘Howling Mad’ Murdoch, and ‘Bad Attitude’ Baracus (Mr. T).

Considering the show was particularly patriotic and militaristic, I’m sure this comparison would have riled the Lost Generation.

The Lost Generation were those who came of age during WWI. The French called them the génération au feu, or, in a real language, the ‘generation in flames.’ The term more commonly refers to the American creatives living as expatriates in Paris during the 1920s (see Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris). These decadent, disillusioned bohemians have become an iconic, literary and artistic A-Team of sorts. The collective was composed of talented musicians, artists, philosophers, and groupies. However, in an attempt at relevancyconsidering this is the book section- I chose four authors to dubiously attempt to link to the A-Team.

Hemingway is equitable to Hannibal (derrr), because he too smoked fat cigars, rocked glorious facial hair, and is totes the best looking/famous/manly. He also had a lot in common with George Peppard, who was an alcoholic, had five wives (Hemmingway wifed four cougars), and was notoriously difficult to get along with. Hemmingway was the kind of man Lana Del Rey sings about, a man’s man, all swagger and pluck.

Critics pontificate about his lean, spare prose, but the best way to know Hemmingway’s writing is to use Reid Library’s first floor urinal.

The wall there houses a perfect example of his style, perhaps penned by an international student with a penchant for the classics:

Hemmingway was here and pissed and was good he enjoyed very much [sic]

He experienced a slow decline until his eventual suicide. It turns out Hemingway had haemochromatosis, where the inability to metabolise iron culminates in mental and physical deterioration. This genetic disease was responsible for the suicides of his father, two siblings, and granddaughter (which sux).

He also drank a swimming pool full of liquor (cumulatively, not all at once), which doesn’t suck as much.

The all-male A-Team was criticised for being sexist, but the Southern belle Zelda Fitzgerald can be ‘Howling Mad’ Murdoch, because she was howling mad. She was the wife of F. Scott Fitzgerald, and did some other things as well.

They were the iconic celebrity couple, like Hov and B, Kate and Wills, Ashton and Demi.

Their marriage was a passionate mess, which inevitably ended in tears.

Scott based many of his stories on their relationship, and stole material from Zelda’s diary. Upon one of many admittances to a psychiatric hospital for bipolar disorder, she wrote a semi-autobiographical novel, which received a tepid response from everyone except Scott, who lost his cool. Apparently he had the monopoly upon using their relationship as #inspiration.

Zelda’s life was a struggle to earn respect for her own accomplishments, and to establish an independent artistic identity. She was reimagined by the 70s feminist movement, who saw her as a woman whose unappreciated potential had been suppressed by patriarchal society, as represented by a belittling and controlling husband. She has been likened to Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana, because each defied convention, possessed doomed beauty, struggled for a serious identity, had a short tragic life and an impossible nature.

cummings married three times, and for about as long as Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian.

He enjoyed gold diggers and models, and he met his first wife when she was his mate’s wife. His play HIM had characters called Him and Me, but all he had to say was:

‘Relax, stop wondering what it is all ‘about.’ Like many strange and familiar things, Life included, this play isn’t ‘about,’ it simply is. . . . Don’t try to enjoy it, let it try to enjoy you. Don’t try to understand it, let it try to understand you.’

Right. Thanks for that dude.

Finally, we need a B.A. Baracus. It was difficult to find someone who fit the profile, but I settled upon John Dos Passos, who was a bastard, and a trot, a revolutionary who studied socialism in Russia (where else?).

Dos Passos and Hemmingway were in Spain during the civil war, where a friend of his was executed by the Communists. Funnily enough, Dos Passos went off the leftist Republicans after that. He got into a brawl with Hemmingway about it, because Hemmingway was still willing to lend his name to their cause. Hemmingway took this well, and spread a rumour that Dos Passos left Spain out of cowardice. This is why he is B.A. Baracus: because George Peppard and Mr. T also fought. Sure, they fought over who was the coolest and most popular, but the analogy sticks.

I love it when a plan comes together.

e e cummings can be ‘Face’, because he was a ladies man, and enjoyed dipping his quill into inkpots (that’s a euphemism). He was also imprisoned for war crimes, just like the A-Team!

He was the E.L. James of his time, mainly writing erotic poems that lacked punctuation, apparently making him an ‘avant garde’ poet, and used ‘inventive’ grammar and syntax (read: the kid couldn’t put a sentence together).

B.A. Baracus: Hey Hannibal, you know I don’t like flying! And I’ve seen that trick before: you give me a burger and expect me to eat it!

“Hannibal” Smith: [sighs] B.A., you know you get cranky on an empty stomach. Now, eat your burger.

B.A. Baracus: Not this time! I ain’t falling for no sleeping powder in my burger. I’m taking yours!

43

THE SEXIST SEVEN

by Eunice Ong I’ve just reached that point in life where I’ve begun thinking about life after uni: stocking up on mugs, tea towels and other miscellaneous naperies for when I eventually graduate, get a full-time job and can afford to move out into my hermit cave in the forest. I also decided to start collecting all the classic tales from my childhood for my hypothetical future offspring for myself, so when I stumbled upon a boxed set of The Secret Seven novels, I bought it without hesitation. Then I decided to sit down and re-read the first book. That’s when the blatant sexism, racism, xenophobia and elitism in Enid Blyton’s novels started jumping out at me.

The majority of Enid Blyton’s books have been revised by her current publishers, but editions from the 80s are riddled with blatant discrimination. Off the top of my head, in one story the kids find a black kitten and one of the names suggested for the animal is a racial slur. Not to mention the Secret Seven roam the streets of postWWII Europe wearing ‘SS’ badges (oops!).

And who could forget those “thieving gypsies”. As a person, it appears Enid Blyton was an emotionally immature, judgemental woman. In many of her books, characters are accused of criminal activity because they ‘look like a dirty old tramp’, wore ‘unusual clothes’ or were a foreigner. Cue: the destruction of my childhood impression of her being a kindly grandmother.

I’m not saying children should no longer be exposed to these books – I just wish I had been aware of their flaws when I read them as a child. At the time, I absorbed everything like a sponge, truly believing that females are in some way physically and mentally inferior, whose roles are to serve and to be protected: “What a nuisance!” said Jack. “It’s quite a way to the castle – and we’ll have to bike slowly or the girls won’t keep up with us.”

Or that there was a specific way I, as a female, ought to behave: “She’s more like a boy, really,” said Barbara, which made all the boys look scornfully at her. “Well you know what I mean,” she went on. “She’s brave – and bold, and don’t-careish – and she doesn’t cry if she hurts herself,

44

and she’ll stick by her friends through thick and thin. If she were a boy I’d like her awfully – but as she’s a girl, she’s just a nuisance.”

like a sponge

My 10-year-old sister is currently making her way through The Secret Seven, but before I lent them to her, I made her aware of the gender roles that the series is laced with – like how only the girls cook and clean. Since I planted that seed of awareness in her mind, she often unknowingly performs a feminist analysis of each Enid Blyton novel she reads, and informs me of her disgust. For example, she questions why it is always the boys who get to do surveillance and the girls get left behind, and when challenged by the girls, the boys’ excuse is that their recce will be more likely to go undetected if the group is smaller – ‘but why can’t they take turns and have some boys stay behind for a change?’, she queried.

I can’t wait for my sister to begin The Famous Five, so she can meet Georgina – the girl who feels she has to turn traitor to her own gender in order to be accepted (I’m not like the other girls). Or maybe she’s actually transgender (she insists she be referred to as ‘Master George’). Either way, George recognises the extreme separation between men and women in her society, and automatically sees that women are the weaker of the two, and that boys can do more things and are more powerful. As a result, she looks down on Anne and other

girls: instead of attempting to equalise the situation, she teams up with the ‘winning side’ (reminiscent of Cersei Lannister in A Song of Ice and Fire).

However, most of the changes made to The Famous Five have revolved around Anne, the youngest, feeblest and most feminine.

She is a character that female readers have historically connected to, and being the youngest, it is only natural for her to have some physical limitations. Most of the editing in the newer editions has involved removing Anne’s lines, meaning there is one less female character to identify with.

I am undecided as to whether Blyton’s books are justifiably edited and ‘updated’.

On the one hand, perhaps publishers consciously trying to edit out the sexism and racism is a positive outcome (although cynical me observes it is more likely that they were done for monetary gain). On the other hand, the changes are not effective because they have been made to alleviate politically correct pressure, rather than to move the characters away from the gender stereotypes that plague them in the original versions. The characters still reside in a patriarchal society, and are subsequently judged from a male perspective. The drastic changes made to ‘modernise’ the writing style also detracts a little from its appeal of being quaint and old-fashioned.

Perhaps the original text ought to be preserved, to serve as examples to explain the rampant racism and sexism that plagued our past (and still occurs today), to our children – and we should make them aware of these issues from a young age, as we read these stories to them.

Don’t even get me started on the tacky modernised cover-art, though.

TEAM BOOK REVIEWS Tampa Alissa Nutting Celeste is a high school teacher who appears to have it all: happily married, intelligent, hot.

Unfortunately, she’s solely attracted to nubile boys. Tampa documents her exploits as she systematically selects, stalks and seduces a student. I guess this makes Celeste strictly a hebephile.

Nutting doesn’t hold back on the graphic descriptions and details – her character is crudely honest. Celeste is a pervert and sociopath; unlike Lolita, at no point in the book does she try to convince the reader that she is doing it for love – it is purely about her own sexual gratification.

You don’t empathise with Celeste; you just feel fortunate you don’t have the problem of being attracted to juveniles.

Tampa challenges the gendered view society has of sexual abuse/assault – it’s always male predators, female victims. A girl with a male teacher is the victim of his manipulation, but if you were a teenage male, would you think of sexual experience with Celeste as abuse?

Celeste’s victim in the novel isn’t held down as she has her way with him – he willingly meets up with her: isn’t a hot female teacher the ultimate teen male fantasy? He’s consenting, but under the legal age of consent. These are just some of the questions you, as a reader, are confronted with.

Tampa shows how women too, can be predators, and how female monsters go unpunished because of their gender. In a strange way, this novel breaks down gender roles.

BEST BIT: If I picked one, I would be a sicko. (OK, the novel is very well-written.)

WORST BIT: difficult to get through because of how disturbed and filthy you feel whilst reading it READ IT WITH: bleach – to sterilise yourself with after you’re done Eunice Ong: is attracted to guys over the legal age of consent While We Were Watching Downton Abbey Wendy Wax This book itself is like a book club: light, easy, and gives you the excuse to drink a whole bottle of wine because you are literary.

The triumphs, the struggles, the downfalls of these characters are yours and yours alone. Like a magazine’s star sign

descriptions, these characters are as unique as snowflakes, with great depth and diversity.

Get the book or maybe the calendar; either will make you a better person.

The novel centres around four friends and a shared passion that could CHANGE THEIR LIVES. Samantha, Claire and Brooke are women drawn together by the show Downton Abbey, shown and organised weekly at their upscale Atlanta apartment building by Edward, the building’s very English concierge. Samantha is stuck in a supposedly loveless marriage, with a heavy duty weighing her down. Claire’s daughter has left for college, leaving her all alone and with only 365 days to write a novel.

Brooke’s husband left her because she wouldn’t be an advertisement for his cosmetic surgery practice. Lifestyles of the rich and the famous, they’re always complainin’, always complainin’.

BEST BIT: Rocco, the Boston Terrier

Downton Abbey plays a starring role in the book, with the power of television evident at every turn. It brings people together only to ensnare them in addiction. Middle-aged women can be lonely creatures and shows like Downton Abbey can help them to feel alive again - a modern Jane Austen, helping all find love and tranquillity. While We Were Watching Downton Abbey is based upon universal themes in a two-dimensional setting, making it perfect for instant consumption. Expect a telemovie any day now.

BEST BIT: I could give it to my mum as a gift to show her how much I care WORST BIT: characters are poorly developed READ IT WITH: a nice bottle of red or two Lauren Wiszniewski is not the intended target audience for this book, although secretly she does enjoy chick-lit (don’t tell anyone).

Underwater Dogs: Kids Edition by Seth Casteel If you’ve had a traumatic childhood incident involving a dog, I can probably cut you some slack, but otherwise I don’t have much time or sympathy for people that don’t love dogs. I personally feel the whole cat-dog person thing is a bit of a false dichotomy, and if there are people that don’t consider themselves dogpersons (as opposed to person-dogs), well, maybe it’s best we just pretend they don’t exist at all. My dogs won’t go within 100m of it but, as this book testifies, most dogs love water.

Dogs are adorable, often silly creatures; a dog captured underwater by a high-speed camera much more so. Marvel at the silly doggies, beautiful bubbles and underwater colours; teach your children important life lessons like “It doesn’t matter who gets the toy in the end, swimming is best when done with a friend!”

WORST BIT: Duke (sorry, Duke) READ IT WITH: Sleeping doges James Munt regrets potentially being the cause of his dogs’ fear of water Young Avengers: Style > Substance Kieron Gillen (Art by Jamie McKelvie with Mike Norton) Young Avengers is kind of my platonic ideal of what a ‘teen superhero’ comic should be. It’s a comic that is actually serious about using superheroics as a metaphor for the late-teenage experience rather than just as an excuse for fight scenes (don’t worry, there’s still cool fight scenes). It’s a comic that doesn’t fall into the trap of repeating the tropes that worked in the eighties New Teen Titans like many other teen hero comics do.

Young Avengers reteams Kieron Gillen and Jamie McKelvie, the creators behind ‘music is magic’ comic Phonogram. Mike Norton also joins McKelvie on backgrounds. It’s to Marvel’s credit that they allow Gillen and McKelvie’s creative voices to shine as strongly on a superhero comic as in their creator-owned work.

The series brings together most of the cast of the previous iteration of the team, now joined by the mysterious Miss America Chavez, Marvel Boy and Kid Loki; the (kind of) star of Gillen’s earlier Marvel series Journey Into Mystery.

It’s a pop comic about how being a superhero is awesome, parents (literally) don’t understand and actually feels like it captures modern youth culture. McKelvie’s artwork is gorgeous, highlighted by the expressiveness of his characters. Gillen’s scripting runs the gambit from funny as hell to a heartpunch full of feels.

Also, ‘Be My Baby’ is played within the first three pages.

God I love this fucking comic.

BEST BIT: Gillen back putting words in the mouth of the devious little trickster god and the inforgraphicesque double page spread in Chapter Four.

WORST BIT: Hawkeye and Marvel Boy disappear for a couple chapters and it takes a while for the whole team to get together. Probs worth it for the chapter title ‘Deus Ex Machine Gunner’ though.

READ IT WITH: A playlist of good pop music.

Kevin Chiat was subtly telling you to read Young Avengers in the above review.

45

>

d uck

During exams, why not duck into the Lawrence Wilson Art Gallery at UWA? With coffee, art and a cool environment, what more could you ask for to escape exam stress?

See the website for current exhibitions - lwgallery.uwa.edu.au The Lawrence Wilson Art Gallery and the UWA Student Guild celebrate the University of Western Australia Centenary in 2013.

15/10/13 3:27 PM

/

Where will you be hiding during this duck seas

>

Duck ad 2013 - B.indd 2

Good luck!

Boys living with cancer need male role models to help with their development and confidence at camps which involve everything from rolling in mud to laser tag.

CAN YOU HELP?

or know someone who can?

campquality.org.au/volunteer or 1300 662 267