COMEDY Megan Rundle

Five Things I’m Leaving in 2020

by meGan rundle

I’m not one to change much when a new year begins. If you were shit last year, you’re probably going to be shit again this year; taking up Reformer Pilates isn’t going to make you a better person. But for some reason, this idea of just leaving things in 2020 strikes a chord. Like leaving an empty drink bottle in my car. Once it rolls under the seat, it’s not my problem anymore. So, this year, I’ve decided to leave 5 things under the seat of my car, and I’d advise you do the same.

1. Rockmelon.

The shittiest fruit, in my opinion. I don’t know why, but every time there’s a fruit platter I tend to pick it up, because I think it’ll be like watermelon but it’s not. It’s rockmelon. Nanna must think it’s the GOAT fruit because she offers it to me every time I’m at her house and I always eat it. Not in 2021 though. Rockmelon, I’m letting you go.

2. Saying “how are you?”

I keep asking it and people keep saying “yeah good thanks” back. It’s not a question that encourages an interesting response, so please don’t message me it to me on Tinder. I will not reply. I’ve decided to ask more interesting questions after saying the initial “Hello” this year. Here are some examples: “Hello, what’s your favourite physical feature about me?”; “Hi, which is Lady Gaga’s best VMA performance*?”; and, lastly, “Hello, what’s your trauma?”

3. Twitter.

In theory, it’s a brilliant platform. In practice, it’s a soul-crushing social media app designed to remind me that I’m not funny and no one cares. I tweeted nearly every day of 2020 and still, I am in Perth, and I am not famous. I could tweet a photo of my boobs and still, it wouldn’t get a single like**. Bye twitter, you’re dead to me.

4. The left side of my face.

I just don’t care for it. From now on I will demand that photos are taken only of my right side. If someone posts a photo of my left side, I will report them to the Instagram officials, and they’ll be locked up in social media prison. I’m considering getting large curtain bangs but just for my left side. Are they still curtains then? Is it a large sheet? A sheet bang? Okay, that sounds dirty. LEFT SIDE BE GONE!

5. My degree.

After three years, I’ve learnt that a double major in marketing and communications and media is definitely the least employable degree offered at UWA and that all the people that take it are just as dumb as me. I probably have a better chance of making money by stealing my parents’ old crap and selling it on gumtree. When I graduate, I’ll take that piece of paper, write “marketing is a scam” on it, put it in an empty bottle from under my car seat and throw it off into the ocean***, for a castaway to find on a random desert island. They will probably have better use for it there.

*2009 **I swear I haven’t tried this, I’m not on porn twitter yet. ***I do not endorse plastic bottles being thrown into oceans, or thrown anywhere for that matter.

Letters to the Editor

esha Jessy, JessiCa Carbone, GraCe armstronG, meGan rundle, Faisal hamza, Charlie mills

Dear Editor,

This is the year I’m going to stop catching feelings. I’ve started to catch feelings for everything and everyone, including Joshua Bassett from High School Musical: The Musical: The Series. I don’t think I have much dignity left. It’s mortifying. Please, make it stop.

Kind regards,

An Emotionless Robot

Dear Editor,

So apparently you are meant to drink two litres of water a day? This year, for my New Year’s resolution, I’ve decided to go above and beyond that, and drink four litres of water a day! However, I’m starting to think that I might be going a little overboard.

Kind regards,

A Grown Man Who Just Peed in the Adventure World Pool Dear Editor,

This is the year I’m going to start using my first name for coffee orders, rather than my surname.

Regards,

Kjendoqejbcoubc Brady

Dear Me,

Stop shaking your leg.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Editor,

I am looking for girl bosses! You know who you are my hustling queens. I’m starting an amazing new business called EnnobraTM, where all you business babes can earn big from the comfort of your own home!

All you have to do is recruit ten new Girl BossesTM every month to try our deluxe range of skincare and cosmetic products. Then, those Girl BossesTM will recruit even more Girl BossesTM and you can triple

your income! To join us, simply upload a #startupselfie with your credit card number, fingerprint scans, and a signed Deed of Transfer to our Girl Boss Blog at www. girlboss.not-a-mlm.org.

Sincerely,

Your #1 Girl BossTM

*Editor’s Note: Pelican found no legal trademark matching this description.

Dear Editor,

After seventeen years in hiding, I have decided that now is time I re-emerge into society. Maybe I was too much to handle. Maybe I ruined too many friendships. But alas, it’s 2021 and I. AM. BORED. The pot needs a stir. So, step aside Whatsapp! “Yeet” outta here Insta! “Gtfo” Snapchat!

Mumma’s home.

Yours truly,

Kik

Dear Editor,

I’ve decided to start the new year without my nut allergy. It’s been holding me back for the last 20 years, but not 2021. New year, new nuts. These Maccas Nutella hot cakes are just the start.

Regards,

An Ex-Anaphylactic Please advise the relevant authorities that from here on out, I would like to be considered as ‘Diesel’ in casual social situations. I have chosen to adopt this nickname as I have realised this previous year that my personality lacked a certain machismo.

All too often, my friends and acquaintances have effortlessly walked over me, such as the time when my ex-girlfriend slept with her new “lover” (who is also my intern) leaving me to sleep on the floor, as the couch was already taken.

It is my hope that this new and improved nickname will deter such scenarios.

Sincerely,

Diesel (formerly known as Turbo)

Dear World,

On January 1st, 2021, I undertook the gruelling and thankless task of moving my queen bed half a foot, so it no longer sits impotently in the corner of my room, but rather shines centre stage in my room. This has not only improved the quality of my sleep but has actually made me an astoundingly better person.

The good news is, you too can achieve this change, for only a nominal fee. Please contact me for a free quote at thenewyou@ interiordesign.com.

Kind Regards,

The (Now) Best Person in the World

2020: Winners and Losers

Joe dawson 2020 was, to say the least, a dramatic year for sport across the globe. Fans, coaches and athletes faced adversity never seen before in the form of delays in competitions, along with the detrimental economic impact of the shutdown of sport upon the hundreds of professional and amateur sporting bodies and competitions across the world. Those sports that did go ahead faced an array of challenges

The jury is still out on the GOAT debate, and there will always be a percentage of the population who will believe that the gap between Michael Jordan and Lebron is insurmountable. However, 2020 saw Lebron win his fourth ring and fourth finals MVP, finish second in regular season MVP voting, lead the league in assists, all at the age of thirty-five, and in his seventeenth season. Lebron became the first player to win finals MVP with three different franchises, and his leadership during a period of great civil unrest was vital in allowing the NBA season to continue. which took form as hubs, bubbles, and border restrictions, with leagues being at the mercy of government policy which had the potential to change at any minute. All those involved in sport were forced to adapt. The year 2020, while like no other, still produced winners and losers, with some seeing their stocks soar, whilst others sunk to seemingly record lows.

Lebron arrived at a Lakers outfit that was in disarray; there were feuds among ownership, Magic Johnson had been driven out of the organisation, Kobe had passed away, and a whole city was in mourning. Lebron was the general manager, head coach, and franchise player of this team, and the Lakers can thank him solely for putting them on his back and carrying them to a coveted sixteenth title.

Lebron’s stocks just seem to keep soaring, and this current Lakers unit is the red-hot favourite to take out the title again in the 2021 season. An amazing role model and an out-of-this-world athlete, don’t take what we are seeing for granted as it won’t be around for too much longer.

Winners:

- lebron James -

- PatriCk mahomes -

Mahomes’ 2020 might just be the tiniest glimpse of a career that would see him take rightful part in the GOAT conversation. The superstar Kansas Chiefs Quarterback cemented his spot as a great at the young age of twenty-five, by winning his first super bowl MVP and delivering Kansas City their first Super Bowl since 1970. What is perhaps more eye catching though, is the ten-year, $500 million contract he signed in 2020, being the largest in sports history by a considerable amount. Mahomes is a

The Richmond Tigers superstar can now rightfully be considered the greatest finals player ever, after having won his third Norm Smith medal, overtaking Andrew McCloud who had long had the previous best with two. Trailing by over three goals early in the game, Dusty willed his team back in with pivotal goals which went completely against the flow of play and kept the Tigers in it. Then the sealer and icing on the cake were with his third and fourth goals capping off a stunning twenty-disposal, four-goal game. While he may not have reached the heights of his 2017 season, Dusty’s achievements in 2020 add to a resume that increasingly looks like it belongs in the AFL hall of fame with legend status attached. generational quarterback who has the pieces and coach surrounding him to build a dynasty in the NFL. The question seems to be not if Mahomes will win more Super Bowls, but when, and how many? What makes Mahome’s 2020 season even more remarkable, was that his team was trailing in every single playoff game by at least ten points, and he willed on his team in an inspired campaign. His contract is expensive, but Kansas City fans think he is worth every cent.

When comparing Dustin Martin to other great players currently in the competition, there is one key thing that separates him. It is impossible to remember a big moment or big game where he went missing. His home and away season might have been sub-par by his incredible standards, but when it really counted, he was the one dragging Richmond over the line. In twenty years’ time, AFL fans will be walking along Punt Road to the mighty MCG, with a bronzed statue of Dusty stiff arming all supporters who come his way, and aren’t we lucky to be witnessing it now.

- dustin martin -

Losers:

- novak dJokoviC -

If, as an athlete, you are making Nick Kyrgios look good, you know that you have seriously had a year to forget. While still maintaining his ranking as the number-one tennis player in the world, Djokovic held a friendly tennis tournament in Croatia during the height of the pandemic, which was followed by mass partying and benders galore. Safe to say that everybody there contracted coronavirus, and he was slammed by tennis fans and media outlets around the world.

Professional sporting leagues around the world were hit hard by the pandemic, with the loss of games meaning that broadcast revenue dried up around the world, leaving them scrambling to find any way possible to make the season go ahead without compromising the safety of players, officials, and referees. Adding to that, he was kicked out of the American Open in its early stages, after hitting a lines-woman with a tennis ball in the throat during a match. The ‘Joker’ was also blasted for sending Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews a list of demands for tennis players in quarantine, some of whom had tested positive for Covid. Novak hasn’t done himself any favours in 2020, with his 2021 start not looking great either.

Leagues like the AFL, NBA, NRL and NFL saw their profits dry up, to the point where many sporting bodies were making losses. Thousands of staff were laid off as the corporate sports world looked towards ways of cost-cutting so that competitions could go ahead.

- sPortinG leaGues -

- the Fans -

The millions of fans who could no longer attend their favourite teams’ games look to be the most obvious losers from the impact that the pandemic had on sport in 2020. In Australia and New Zealand, we were incredibly fortunate that fans were able to attend games due to the hard work that went into strict lockdowns. The NBA took place in DisneyWorld, where a bubble was created, and players played their hearts out to a few members of the media. The NFL had a more relaxed approach with a small number of fans being able to attend games. However, Covid clusters among teams were not uncommon, putting games at risk. If there is anything good to take away from 2020, it is that sports fans will never take for granted things like the roar at the MCG on Grand Final day, or the electric atmosphere at Optus Stadium. Conversely, when the world is back to normal, coaches and players alike will be eternally grateful, and never take the most important thing that sport has, the fans, for granted ever again.