Reality

Reality.

A cookbook that avoids false expectations.

Written, designed & photographed by Valerie Seelye

“The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later, you’re hungry again. “ ­— George Miller

1

Side Dishes

2

“I enjoy cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food ...” ­— Julia Child

3

A Mediterranean dish

your kids will hate 1

Crank up your oven to 350oF

2 3 4

Slice up all the veggies & stuff.

Find a medium baking dish. Make it non-stick by using cooking spray ... or whatever.

Don’t cut yourself. Then, shove ‘em all in the dish!

Smear the other crap on the top.

Drench it with wine, season & cover loosely with foil.

Pop that suck-uh in the oven!

Bake for 20 minutes. Remove foil & bake for 10 - 15 minutes or so.

Tip from the kitchen: Mushrooms are gross, don’t use them.

Makes 4 - 6vings!

Ser 2 Tomatoes 1 Large portobello ‘shroom 1 Small red onion 1 Medium zucchini 1 Small eggplant Add your own veggies

2 - 3 Cloves garlic 3 Tbsp. Olive oil 2 tsp. Chopped rosemary 2/3 C. Dry white wine Salt Black pepper

4

A quick side dish for

when you’re lazy

1 2 3

Crank up your burner or stove-top.

Let the oil heat up in a skillet.

Stir-fry rice.

Chop up the onions and & add them.

Slap in the seasoning & soy sauce.

Stir-fry for a minute or whatever.

Tip from the kitchen: Don’t heat the rice too quickly. It will stick to the skillet & be a pain to get off! Serve with shrimp wontons (page 6).

gs! n i v r e s 4 s e k a M 1/3 C. Chopped, cooked chicken, beef, pork, shrimp, bacon or fish 2 Tbs. Oil 3 C. Cooked, cold rice 3 Green onions

2 tsp. Soy sauce 1 Pkg. Fried rice seasoning mix 2 Eggs 1 C. Frozen peas & carrots

5

Being such a good cook that even the fire alarm cheers you on...

4

Shove the rice to the side.

5

Add the peas & carrots.

Beat the eggs in a small bowl, then scramble them in the skillet. Mix in with the rice.

Let them get all warm & yummy.

6

Why does cooking take like six hours & eating takes like three seconds & washing dishes takes like seven days & seven nights?

7

A good excuse to get

a deep fat fryer

1

Crank up your fryer to medium-high.

2

Fold up some cream cheese with some shrimp in the wrappers. Use the water to seal the wrappers, like a little package.

Make sure the oil isn’t old & gross. You can also use a pot full of oil, but the chance of burning off your flesh is much greater.

3

Fry a few at a time.

They’re done when golden-brown & crunchy looking.

Tip from the kitchen: Make sure there are no holes in the wonton wrappers so the ingredients don’t leak out in the fryer.

s a y n a m s a e k a M you want!

Water Oil Wonton wrappers Small shrimp Cream cheese

8

For when you have

to eat vegetables 1 2

Crank up your oven to 400oF

3

Beat up that egg & mix it with a little bit of water.

Smear melted butter all over a pan.

Cut them veggies up into small pieces.

There should be about 2 cups of veggies total ... or more if you get carried away.

Then put that in some sort of shallow container or dish. Whatever.

Tip from the kitchen: Serve potato donuts for dessert (page 20). This is a great way to pretend you eat healthy!

9

4 5 6

Sift the flour & a little bit of salt together.

Put that stuff in another shallow container.

Dip the veggies in the egg crap.

Then coat them in the flour mixture.

Slap them on the buttered pan.

Pour the remaining butter over them. Bake for 18 minutes, until they get all yummy looking.

Water 1 Egg Salt 1/3 C. Flour 1/3 C. Melted butter

Carrots Broccoli Cauliflower Zucchini Your own veggies

! s g n i v r e s 4 s e k a M

10

“Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.” ­— Fran Lebowitz

11

Main Dishes

12

For men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember ... that’s where the knives are kept.

13

A meal for when life

gives you lemons 1 2 3 4

Crank up your oven to 350oF

5

Shove it in the oven!

Bake a thin fish for 30 minutes &

Line a baking pan with foil.

Sprinkle the foil with lemon pepper.

If the fish still has scales, skin that suck-uh now!

Slap on that fish!

Then rub it with more lemon pepper. Add some lemon juice.

Cover the fish in foil.

Crumple the top foil together with the foil on the bottom, like a little tomb for Mr. Fish.

a thicker fish for 45 minutes.

Tip from the kitchen: Don’t pile on the lemon pepper.

Salmon fillet(s) Lemon pepper Lemon juice

any m er ev w o h es k a M servings you want !

14

Eat whatever you want, & if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

15

An easy way to pretend

you’re a good cook

1 2 3

Crank up your oven to 350oF

Line a baking pan with foil. This is gonna get messy.

Mush together the mayonnaise & cheese.

That was seriously the hardest part.

Slap the chicken on the pan!

Pile the mayonnaise mixture on top of the chicken. Sprinkle with garlic salt.

4

Bake for half an hour.

Make sure the chicken is cooked completely through ... if not, bake for a few more minutes.

Tip from the kitchen: It never hurts to add more cheese! (this tip can be applied to any recipe)

-6 Makesvi4 ser ngs!

4 - 6 Boneless/skinless chicken breasts 1/3 C. Mayonnaise 1/4 C. Grated parmesan cheese Garlic salt

16

Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards!

17

Desserts

18

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin ... & muffins are healthy.

You’re welcome.

19

A minimal effort

party dessert

1 2

Crank up your oven to 350oF

3 4

Dump it in the pan.

Spray & flour a 9 x 9 pan, or slap some liners in a muffin pan.

Mix all the things.

Combine the sugar & butter first, beat them eggs in & then add the white powdery stuff last.

Don’t forget to lick the bowl & spoon!

Bake that thang.

A cake should bake for 30 - 40 minutes & cupcakes for 20 - 25 minutes.

Tip from the kitchen: Store bought icing always tastes better.

Makes 12 Ser v in g s!

1 C. Sugar 1/2 C. Butter 2 Eggs 2 tsp. Vanilla extract 1 1/2 C. Flour 1 2/4 tsp. Baking powder 1/2 C. Milk

20

21

They contain a vegetable,

so they are a vegetable 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Scald the milk, but don’t boil it.

Stir in shortening, sugar & mashed potatoes. Cool & blend.

Dissolve yeast in the warm water.

Add it to the other crap. Also add eggs & vanilla.

Mix flour, baking powder & salt together.

Shove all the things together to create a soft dough.

Leave it alone for 1 1/2 hours or whatever.

Be sure to cover it with something.

Roll it out, or somehow flatten it to 1/2” thickness.

Cut with a donut cutter ­— or get creative if you don’t have one!

Cover the donuts & leave them alone for half an hour.

Heat oil in a deep fat fryer or pot to 375oF.

Fry the donuts a few at a time.

Or fry them all at once & make a big mess ... possible burning off your hands.

Tip from the kitchen: Slap together some powdered sugar and milk to make a glaze. Then sprinkle with sugar & cinnamon. Use any leftover dough to make donut holes.

uts! n o d n e z o d 4 s e k a M 1 3/4 C. Milk 1/2 C. Shortening 1/2 C. Sugar 1/2 C. Cooked mashed potatoes 1 Pkg. Dry yeast 1/ C. Warm water

2 Eggs, beaten 1/2 tsp. Vanilla 6-7 C. Flour 1 tsp. Baking powder 2 tsp. Salt Oil

22

Recipes are like a dating service. They never end up looking like the picture.

23

A quick treat for when

you crave chocolate 1

Crank up your oven to 400oF

2

Boil stuff.

3 4

Put some foil on a baking pan. Smear some butter on it.

Place the crackers in a single layer.

Combine the brown sugar & butter in a saucepan; boil 3 minutes.

Pour it over the crackers.

Bake for 5 minutes.

Remove & turn off oven. Smack that chocolate on top! Return to the oven for 2 minutes to melt the chocolate.

Smear the chocolate around.

Sprinkle the almonds on top. Cut or break into pieces while soft.

Tip from the kitchen: It’s kind of like making crack.

! f l e s r u o y l l a it Now eat 40 Soda crackers 1 C. Brown sugar 1 C. butter 12 oz. Chocolate chips Chopped almonds