4 minute read
How Attached Are You?
HOW ATTACHED
ARE YOU?
BY KIRA SARSFIELD
What’s the most pressing topic for a first date? Money? Dating history? Marriage?
While some believe that these conversations should be set aside for future dates, more Gen Z’ers are discussing make-orbreak topics early on in their relationships. These conversations can involve exchanges of political views, religious beliefs and controversial opinions.
But — has anyone ever asked you about your attachment style on the first date? Probably not. But, it’s an intimate conversation topic that partners can have to learn more about each other.
WHAT EXACTLY IS ATTACHMENT THEORY?
While some prefer to discuss love languages, research shows that there is an interconnectedness between one’s attachment style and development of their close relationships.
This phenomenon is known as attachment theory, in which the way we form relationships with others is largely influenced by the way we were attached to our primary caregivers as infants.
To better understand the concept of attachment theory, consider researcher Konrad Lorenz’s experiments with baby geese. Lorenz noticed that baby geese would follow whatever living figure they encountered in the first few hours of life — whether it be the mother goose or a human researcher.
Inspired by this groundbreaking research, psychologist John Bowlby studied patterns of attachment within infants. He theorized that attachment was innate and separation caused emotions of distress, fear and panic within infants.
Confirmed by his research, Bowlby found that a primary relationship between an infant and caregiver plays a major role in the development of future relationships.
ATTACHMENT STYLES
To further the specifics of attachment theory, social scientist Mary Ainsworth led the notorious Strange Situation experiment with infants. In her study, infants were left in a room with their primary caregiver. Upon random intervals of time, a stranger was instructed to go into the room, converse with the primary caregiver and then the primary caregiver would leave the room.
The infant was then studied based on his or her reactions to the primary caregiver leaving.
From these observations, Ainsworth adopted the three main attachment styles: secure, insecure avoidant and insecure ambivalent/resistant. The specifics of Ainsworth’s research from the National Center for Biotechnology Information are:
ATTACHMENT STYLE OBSERVATIONS
Secure Attachment
Insecure Avoidant
Insecure Ambivalent / Resistant • Distress when mother leaves
• Easily comforted by caregiver
• No sign of distress when mother leaves
• Unbothered when caregiver returns
• Intense distress when mother leaves
• Resist contact when caregiver returns
Considering the time gap between infancy to adulthood, these attachment styles have still been proven to impact our partner selection and relationship development.
FROM AN EXPERT
Molly Countermine, Associate Teaching Professor of Human Development and Family at Penn State, has taught and researched attachment theory for more than 20 years.
Following Countermine’s extension studies through Project Siesta, she has found that attachment styles are not definite and often change throughout the course of our lives. “The attachment relationship is this organic, moving, living breathing relationship that is created because of who you spend time with,” says Countermine.
Alongside our attachment styles adapting to adulthood, Countermine believes that our primary caregivers change in similar fashion.
Above all, Countermine knows that attachment styles are not limited to our perceptions of relationships — but rather perceptions of ourselves.
“Attachment is a parallel thing,” Countermine says. “If I believe that others are not there for me and do not respond to my needs, then I will believe I am not worthy of other people to take care of me.”
Expanding on the research from Ainsworth’s study, there is also more detailed information of what each attachment style can look like.
SECURE ATTACHMENT
As the most common attachment style in Ainsworth’s study, secure attachment is when the infant maintains a healthy relationship with their primary caregiver. The infant is conditioned to the parent responding efficiently to their wants and needs, which aids the child’s ability to develop stable and loving relationships for the future.
Studies by the University of Montreal have shown that children with secure attachment tend to have higher self-esteem, confidence and long-lasting relationships as adults.
INSECURE AVOIDANT
In Ainsworth’s research, the insecure avoidant infants showed little to no reaction when their primary caregiver returned and left the room. Their behavior is rooted in self-reliance from a young age, which follows their livelihoods as adults.
Typically, these adults value freedom and independence. As a result of this, it can be difficult for adults with this attachment style to let go of their freedom to maintain long-lasting relationships with others.
INSECURE AMBIVALENT
As the last attachment style from Ainsworth’s observations, these infants were noticeably distressed when their primary caregiver left, but resisted contact upon return.
Adults with the insecure ambivalent attachment style can be described as “anxious” or “overly needy.” They struggle with finding balance in their relationships, which causes them to exert oversensitive or clingy behaviors.
