OUTSIDE THE BUBBLE

OUT OF THE BUBBLE

By Ben Pryor

Coronamadness appears to be nearing its zenith, as cases in Italy have spiked into the thousands with all schools closed for a fortnight; sales of facemasks have skyrocketed, and people continue to diligently rub antibacterial sanitiser over their hands to try and prevent the spread of a virus. British cases have topped 100 with the first fatality. Prime Minister BoJo appeared on TV to tell people it might get worse before it gets better but I’ve no idea whether that’s Covid-19, the number of people Priti Patel is alleged to have bullied, FlyBe’s collapse, MPs’ expenses

topping £200m for the first time or the future trading relationship with the EU after negotiators spent the week self-isolating in Brussels with Michel Barnier.

In the US, the race for second place is down to two after Super see you next Tuesday, with Pocahontas Elizabeth Warren, mini-Mike Bloomberg and Amy never even warranted a nickname Klobuchar all dropping out (together with Pete Buttgag, who pulled out the weekend before), leaving Sleepy Joe and the Bernie going head to head to take on his Orangeness. For someone whose campaign looked on life support after the New Hampshire primary, Sleepy Joe has had the greatest comeback since Lazarus, who it looks like he probably met in his youth. The contest between three white, septuagenarian millionaires continues to prove that anyone can become President in America… but

The A-level artist formerly known as Prince Harry has been back in the UK for his farewell tour before quitting royal life. He’s here to promote the Invictus Games, record a new version of the song with Bon Jovi at Abbey Road (doubtless with his microphone turned off) and to attend an awards ceremony with his wife, presumably with a similar provision in place.

Excess heat from the Northern Line is heating over 1000 homes in Islington; no need for the Jeremy to apply for the winter allowance then. A custom-made fake of the Batmobile featured in ‘Batman v Superman’ has been seized by Russian police from the streets of Moscow; I have a feeling it’s destined for the Kremlin. Kim Kardashian, wannabe lawyer (oh, there’s the reality show hook), has visited the White House with some prisoners she helped free; from prison or is she speaking sexually (she must have run out of NBA players by now)? The Donald’s former physician, Dr Ronny Jackson, claims he hid cauliflower in the President’s mashed potato in a bid to help him lose weight; hiding potato in KFC mashed potato would be a start. Vladimir Putin wants God and marriage put into the constitution; if the people defy him, he can always deploy the caped crusader on the streets of Moscow. 23

And finally, porn sites have been cashing in on the corona virus with sites posting videos of people having sex in hazmat suits with facemasks on; must have raided the Jeremy’s place for his ‘Diane’ video tape. Until next week, I’m Бэтмен.