Vancouver Family Magazine November 2020

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November 2020

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Remote Learning 2.0:

The Real Deal Grieving Forward: Infant Loss and Suppor t

MEDITATION:

A PRACTICE FOR PEACE

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Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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contents

November ‘20

18

FEATURE ARTICLES

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Our Real Remote Learning 2.0 A real account of one local family’s experience navigating the first six months of remote learning

14

Grieving Forward Personal experiences and support for families who have lost infants

18

Meditation: A Practice for Peace One mom's life was spinning out of control--until meditation gave her a new lease on life

IN EVERY ISSUE

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6

Editor’s Notes

8

Mosaic Family Voyage Surviving their first winter living aboard a sailboat tests the Messerschmidt family's commitment to their dream

22

Calendar of Events & Activities

14 ON THE WEB • Top Toys 2020--As Voted by National Toy Experts

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Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

Make their dreams reality Washington College Savings Plans Can help you prepare for your student’s dreams.

Enrollment now open!

Learn more at wastate529.wa.gov GET and DreamAhead are qualified tuition programs sponsored and distributed by the State of Washington. The Committee on Advanced Tuition Payment and College Vancouver Family • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020 Savings administers and the Washington Student Achievement Council supports the plans.Magazine DreamAhead investment returns are not guaranteed and you could lose money by investing in the plan. If in-state tuition decreases in the future, GET tuition units may lose value.

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EDITOR'S NOTES

Photo by Scarlette Richards

No Going Back A friend of mine recently texted me a photo of her view of the moment: pumping breastmilk for her 3-month-old baby, rocking said baby in a bouncy seat with her foot, and a kindergarten reader book in her lap as she was helping her older daughter with remote learning (older son was also doing school online, out of the frame). A different friend of mine sent me a video message displaying the black eye she sustained when her son threw a book during a particularly difficult session of online learning. The pressures and pitfalls of this school year are real, folks. Many of us, including teachers who are working valiantly to adapt to a new mode of educating (often while managing their own kids’ remote learning), are daily landing somewhere between sheer survival mode and moments of cautious optimism, but far from settled into a new desirable normal. And even on the good days, the truth is, after a crisis of this magnitude, there’s no going back to how things used to be. We can only move forward.

www.VancouverFamilyMagazine.com

Volume 19, Issue 11 Publisher

Julie Buchan Julie@vancouverfamilymagazine.com (360) 882-7762

Editor

Nikki Klock Nikki@vancouverfamilymagazine.com (360) 882-7762

Associate Editor

Sarah Mortensen Sarah@vancouverfamilymagazine.com

Graphic Designer

I-Shüan Warr Ishuan@vancouverfamilymagazine.com

Ad Designer

Philip Nerat addesign@vancouverfamilymagazine.com

Contributing Writers

Carrie Lynn, Rachel Messerschmidt, Sarah Mortensen

Ad Sales

This month, learn from families who suffered unimaginable loss and moved forward into helping others navigate that same grief (page 14), find out how one local mom got a new lease on life when her life was spinning out of control (page 18), read a real account of one local family’s experience navigating the first six months of remote learning (page 10) and follow the Messerschmidt family of Mosaic Family Voyage as they recount their first winter living aboard a sailboat (spoiler alert: it was rough) (page 8). All of the families who shared their stories with us this month moved forward through obstacles and found a sense of purpose. Can you relate?

Nikki Klock, Editor nikki@vancouverfamilymagazine.com

sales@vancouverfamilymagazine.com Vancouver Family Magazine is published monthly by Vancouver Kidz Magazine, LLC Address: PO Box 820264 Vancouver, WA 98682 Tel: 360-882-7762 Copyright 2002-2020. All rights reserved.

No portion of Vancouver Family Magazine may be reproduced without the written permission from the publisher.

Vancouver Kidz Magazine, LLC and staff do not recommend or endorse any service, product, or content represented in this magazine or on our website.

The sole purpose of this publication is to provide information on available services and/or products. It is the consumer’s responsibility to verify the accuracy of information given. Vancouver Kidz Magazine, LLC, and/or Julie Buchan and Nikki Klock and staff do not assume and disclaim any liability to any party for any loss or damage caused by error or omission in this magazine or on our website. We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

On the Cover: The Bundy family of Washougal works in the food industry, so naturally they enjoy finding the best local restaurants. On a sunny PNW day you can find them outside with the little lady and their three crazy dogs.

Snapshot from a friend of simultaneously schooling, pumping and parenting.

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Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

Photo by Taylor Nicole Jones. www.TaylorNicolePortraits.com

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7

MOSAIC FAMILY VOYAGE

g to Live Aboard n i n r a Le

By Rachel Messerschmidt All photos courtesy of the author.

In October 2016,

our landlubber family took the leap and moved aboard our new sailboat, Mosaic, in a marina on Hayden Island at Jantzen Beach. We enjoyed two weeks of nice, fall weather before being slammed with the worst Pacific Northwest winter in recent memory. We hadn’t a clue what we were getting ourselves into, but with our goal fixed firmly in mind, we jumped full-steam-ahead into liveaboard life.

It rained incessantly throughout November, and by December that rain had turned to snowstorm after snowstorm after ice storm after snowstorm. December, January, and February passed in a blur of semi-misery for us. The temperatures outside were freezing as often as not and the water around the boat even froze three inches

thick. We had just two small space heaters to warm the boat, so we lived in layers of warm clothes as the temperatures frequently dipped into the 50s inside the boat overnight.

We didn’t even have a decent dehumidifier to remove the moisture from the air. Looking back, we were simply clueless as to how much of a difference that would make in our comfort! We had a small dehumidifier which had come with the boat and we used it religiously, but we didn’t yet realize there were bigger and better models to be had. So, due to all the moisture in the air and the drastic temperature differences inside the boat versus out, condensation collected and dripped down the walls constantly, and even rained down on my husband and me as we slept in the aft cabin.

I laugh now as I recount the stories of that first winter—of what an adventure it was sometimes simply to get to and from the boat. I remember more than once needing to get down the steep dock ramp with the kids but finding it covered in a thick layer of ice from the most recent ice storm. Forced to cling to the handrail with one arm while holding my 2-year-old daughter’s hand with the other as we literally just slid our way down the ramp with zero traction.

Telling my 6-year-old son to hold the rail and slide down behind me so that I could catch him if he lost his footing and fell. If we’d gone down, there was nothing at the bottom to stop any of us from simply sliding off into the frigid water.

That first winter was terrible. But there were moments of magic mixed into our days too, like the silence of the fresh snowfall quieting the marina, and the beauty of each fresh layer of snow.

At one point, we had over a foot of snow and the children still continued on next page Photos, top: The Messerschmidt family enjoying an afternoon sail aboard Mosaic on the Columbia River in October 2018; middle: The author's son, Evan, smiling in front of the snowy marina as one of the first snowstorms of the 2016-2017 winter subsides and begins to melt off; bottom: Captain Stephen Frankland demonstrates a maneuver during a July 2018 sailing lesson with the author, Rachel Messerschmidt, at the helm.

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Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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remember playing in it, throwing snowballs and making snow angels. Living aboard a boat does nothing if not bring you closer to nature and instill a greater respect for and connection with the natural elements. Tucked into bed, warm at night, I loved falling asleep to the gentle pitter patter of raindrops on the cockpit above.

I’ll always love the sound of raindrops falling on the boat.

It seemed that the winter would never give way to spring, but of course it eventually did. We felt a sense of relief, believing that if we could make it through that winter, that misery, and still want to go forward with our possibly-crazy-sailing-plan, we were going to be OK. We found a local sailing instructor, Captain Stephen Frankland, and hired him for lessons aboard Mosaic. It felt good to listen to his cruising stories and see his appreciation for the boat that we’d chosen. We started to get comfortable with sailing Mosaic and we grew better at living aboard. For two more years, we took the boat on adventures up and down the Columbia River and marveled at how free we felt every time we were able to get away from the home slip, even if just for a weekend.

Ever so gradually, we fit the puzzle pieces together to build our life into something that would allow us to cast off the dock lines and become true cruising nomads. First I, and then my husband, found jobs that would allow us to work from home, remotely. We began home-schooling our children and cutting ties to the shore.

It was truly beautiful, the days and nights out on the river sailing this old boat, doing just what she was meant to do. It filled my soul with happiness, and we began to not just dream of leaving Portland, but actually plan for it.

We chose our date with steadfast determination. May 2019. Do or die. We would cast off the dock lines and leave our home waters of the mighty Columbia River in search of the adventure of a lifetime.

Rachel Messerschmidt and her family are Clark County natives currently living and cruising full time aboard their sailboat, Mosaic, in the Pacific Northwest. Rachel blogs about her life and journey at www. mosaicvoyage.com and shares her family’s adventures in a monthly column in Vancouver Family Magazine.

The view over the bow of Mosaic during a sunset "golden hour" sailing lesson on the Columbia River in August 2018.

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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Feature: Our Remote Learning 2.0: The Real Deal

Our Remote Learning 2.0:

The Real Deal

By Sarah Mortensen

The author’s kids working on home school at their dad’s physical therapy office. Photo courtesy of the author.

There’s never a convenient time

for a worldwide pandemic to break out, but a vicious virus was certainly the last thing my husband and I expected to show up the same week he opened his own physical therapy clinic. I also never planned on home schooling our children. But a pandemic laughs at plans, and everyone’s world changed in the spring of 2020.

As businesses and then schools closed, I was sent home from my job as a paraeducator, and our son and daughter, then in second and third grade, were home with us with nothing to do. Initially, we believed the shut-down would end quickly and that school would resume on April 24 as we were told. Then, as other states began cancelling school for the year, it became clear that Washington would do the same. The first version of distance learning was new and exciting at first, but, even as our kids’ teachers did best they could with what they had to work with, it soon became repetitive and clearly not ideal. By May we were counting down the days until it was over, only to learn by late summer that we’d have to do it all again when school resumed in the fall, in the form of “Remote Learning 2.0.”

Like most families I know, this time has been challenging on all fronts—financially, mentally and in our family relationships. And in such strange times, it can be helpful to share our stories as a reminder that we are not struggling alone. Here is the true story of my family’s experience navigating the first 6 months of remote learning.

June 26, 2020 Vancouver School District reveals the results of a parent survey stating that a “strong majority support returning to traditional school in the fall with some precautions to protect their health.” I take a sigh of relief and find hope that things will go back to normal in the fall. We miss having structure and a predictable schedule that school provided. Since spring, we have been taking things day by day. However, our days are looking so similar lately that I often forget if it’s Tuesday or Sunday and to brush my teeth in the morning.

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July 20, 2020 The news cycle for the past two weeks has been nothing but doom and gloom. COVID-19 rates are spiking, the death toll is increasing, and some kids are developing an odd inflammatory syndrome. The district sends out another survey.

July 31, 2020 The results are back and show, “a substantial shift in comfort level for in-person instruction.” The local districts announce together that all students will begin the year remotely. I talk with my sisters about their plans. We all have young kids and none of them were a fan of last spring’s distance learning. “Will you send your kids back when they open partially?” “Will you just home school?” “How long do you think it will last?” “Will you get the vaccine when it becomes available?”

August 5, 2020 Playgrounds are still closed. My kids are driving each other nuts.

When I send them outside to play, they complain as though I’ve assigned them the worst possible chore. Thank goodness we are able to book a camping spot at Beacon Rock State Park. One last little family getaway before we dive into . . . some kind of homebased education? I’m still not sure what to do, but we continue talking about it at home and I consult with my friends about their plans, even though none of them have a clue about what they will do either.

August 27, 2020 Days before school is scheduled to start, the district sends out their plan for Remote Learning 2.0. I discover that there are alternative programs at Lieser School for home-school support. Since our kids are younger, and we don’t like the idea of them stuck on an electronic device for long periods, we make the decision to homeschool. When things open up, we’ll go back to our elementary school. I return to work on September 1, which means that I’ll do a bit of a school work with them before I head off to work and then they’ll complete their assignments at their dad’s office. He doesn’t have many patients anyway, so they won’t be in the way.

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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August 30, 2020 I catch up with my now-retired dad who is living with my brother in California to take care of my niece during distance learning.

Orange County started school remotely on August 15. He describes the constant challenge of getting a second-grader to stay focused at home during class time when toys and television are much more interesting. On day two, he accidentally clicks on the wrong button closing out an app and she throws a fit for her whole class to see live over Zoom. They are now a few weeks in at this point, but she is already bored and refuses to do many assignments. Perhaps I did make the best decision for my own kids.

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We read “Cinderella” stories from around the world and then they each wrote their own version of “Cinderella.” My daughter writes a jungle princess “Cinderella” tale, and my son does a space alien version. It was so fun! I feel like I got this—I can totally teach my own kids!

September 10, 2020 The record heat has passed, but fires are now burning all around us and it’s not safe to go outside. We pray for the firefighters and for rain to come and that we can all stay sane. I also learn I am to be laid off from my paraeducator position.

continued on page 12

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Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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Feature: Our Remote Learning 2.0: The Real Deal (cont'd) continued from page 11

September 14, 2020 I am trying to incorporate some traditional classroom activities into our home school in the hopes that my kids will treat me more like a teacher and have fun together. We talk about “bucket fillers” and supporting each other with kindness. I have cute little buckets for them to decorate and compliment cards to fill them up. It backfires big time. They argue the whole time and I end up yelling at them too. Today, I don’t feel like the best teacher for my kids. I’ve been snippy and impatient and after they go to bed, I let the tears come.

My husband tells me I’m doing great. I love that guy.

September 17, 2020 Our school district announces that elementary school students can go back on September 29! But, my kids are on the fence about it because they have to wear a mask and stay six feet away from all their friends. How can they play together at recess that way?

September 18, 2020 Just kidding, they don’t have all the kinks worked out yet to send kids back to school and reopening has been postponed. At this point, I won’t believe anything until I see it.

September 19, 2020 We are grateful that the rain has come, but it also keeps us cooped up inside. Will we ever be outside again before winter comes? These past three weeks have been our hardest weeks of COVID-19 so far.

September 21, 2020 A mom from my daughter’s book club sends a group text that her daughter is struggling. We haven’t gotten together since COVID-19 hit. She admits that at this point she is more worried about her child’s mental health than she is about the virus. “Is anybody willing to do a playdate?” she asks.

September 22, 2020 I attend a school board meeting via Zoom. The COVID-19 cases in Clark County have now moved into the high transmission zone.

The earliest date elementary students will return to class is October 20. The good news is that there is much higher attendance this fall compared to the spring, and surveys say that for the most part, students are getting the support they need.

September 26, 2020 A few of the book club moms meet at the park. It’s the first time I’ve seen their faces in months. We talk (six feet apart) about how

many meltdowns our kids have had, juggling our work schedules with our husbands’ so someone can be home, and how many nights we’ve resorted to ordering pizza for dinner. Some are trying out home school like me, while others are staying with the district plan in hopes that schools will open soon. One mom shares how she now locks her child’s iPad screen so they can’t leave Zoom to use other apps during class time. Keeping our kids focused at home is the main topic of conversation. We all put on a smile and try to laugh off our stress while we’re together, but inside I know we are all feeling the same turmoil. Listening to another friend share the frustration of keeping track of multiple teachers’ schedules and helping her special needs child, I want to reach out and hug her, but that’s against the rules right now.

October 2, 2020 Reopening schools has been postponed yet again. Like a carrot on a string, it always seems to be just out of reach. News reports state the number of new cases are increasing daily nationwide, and even the president has now contracted the virus. The Oregon Health Authority, as well as some counties here in Washington, have made announcements discouraging trick-or-treating.

COVID-19 has now cancelled Halloween.

The most difficult part of COVID-19 has been not knowing what comes next. I identify as a habitual “rusher” who tries to maximize every minute with productivity. I used to forget sweet little gestures from my kids or husband almost immediately because I was focused on my next task. I began home schooling with the same attitude—trying to squeeze a lot into less time. That did not work at all. Learning to take life a day at a time and appreciating the little things has become my new goal. I’m not sure when life will go back to normal, but I’ve finally accepted that it will likely take a very long time. In the meantime, I’m working on being more present for family, and that has been a gift.

Sarah Mortensen completed her degree in marriage and family studies and until recently, worked for Vancouver Public School as a paraeducator. She is now taking on the task of home schooling her kids.

In her spare time you are likely to find her in her backyard taking care of her vegetable garden. She also enjoys hiking, hot chocolate, and dressing up for Halloween. She lives in Vancouver with her husband, son and daughter.

Can you relate?

Go to www.VancouverFamilyMagazine.com/ remote-learning to share your experiences with Remote Learning 2.0.

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Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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13

Feature: Grieving Forward: Infant Loss and Support

Grievin g Fo r w a r d : Infant Loss an and Support

By Carrie Lynn

W

hen Michelle Newberry put 7-month- old Elizabeth Eden down for a nap, she never imagined it would be the last time she would see her daughter alive.

As an experienced parent, Newberry was training Elizabeth to nap on her own. The sweet double-chinned baby was adored by her family. They could not get enough time holding her. Baby Elizabeth had come to rely on people holding her while she slept.

Employing the Ferber method of sleep training, Newberry laid Elizabeth in her crib, then quietly left the room. The walkietalkie style monitor turned on. Every couple of minutes, Newberry peeked in on her until she fell asleep. While Elizabeth drifted off contentedly, Newberry and her family gathered for dinner. A couple hours later, when Newberry’s husband, Alan, went in to check on their baby girl, he found her with a blanket wrapped around her head.

Immediately Newberry called 911 while her older daughter ran to their brand new neighbor’s house to look for help. The neighbor came to their aid, administering CPR. Paramedics arrived and raced lifeless Elizabeth to the hospital. Within the hour she was pronounced dead.

Horror, anguish, guilt, and heartache coursed through the surviving family members. They had just barely moved from Vancouver to a new state and were not settled in. Suddenly their new home life was violated. Elizabeth Eden’s life

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had evaporated. Doctors call this infant mortality; families call it unfair.

Con f ronting Death The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defines infant mortality as “the death of an infant before his or her first birthday.” The top five causes are: birth defects, pre-term birth, pregnancy complications, sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), and injuries. In the United States, in 2018, 21,000 infant deaths occurred. That’s 21,000 families and communities that are affected by the loss of our littlest people.

Death is the hardest part of human life.

Whether it’s beloved family members, friends, teammates or co-workers who die, their life departure hits us deep in a spot we usually try to keep covered. In the days following a life lost we work to support ourselves through the trauma, often using photographs, memorabilia, and retelling their experiences to cobble together a memorial of them we can carry with us.

Yet, when it is an infant death, very few of these items exist to create such a memorial.

Instead, the loss of all the tomorrows that child could have experienced spills into the void. Somehow the family, parents, grandparents and siblings are required to move forward while the rest of humanity knows nothing.

Erin Orren, MSW, support services coordinator with Community Home Health and Hospice in Vancouver and Longview states, “As a culture we are behind in ‘saying goodbye’.” Where other

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

cultures hold abundant events of sorrow or celebration, we tend to minimize or push on from a death far too soon. Thankfully, the last decade has found us improving, but we still have far to go.

Merely a decade ago, it was not unheard of for a birth mother whose baby had died to be handed a rose and some verbal well wishes such as, “I am sure you’ll have another baby,” then ushered out of the hospital as if nothing had happened. Today, Chaplain Marci Rau, of PeaceHealth Southwest, and other grief counselors, spend their days supporting grieving parents through the loss more compassionately.

In place of rushing couples and families out the door, she and the family birth team take time with the living family. They invite parents to hold the baby and call him or her by name. The team offers to take photographs of the baby or take plaster molds of their child’s hands and feet— hopefully creating some tangible living memories to support the dreams they had as a family. Most of all, she encourages the living family members to talk, to verbalize their present emotions and share the dreams they had for their little one. There is no time limit on the benefit of supportive, compassionate listening, which often extends to other family members beyond the immediate couple. Chaplain Rau and the family birth team know that once the family leaves the hospital a whole new set of griefs will find them. continued on next page

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continued from previous page

An Irreplaceable Li f e Cherilyn Mitchell of Vancouver appreciates hearing about those efforts. Few were available to her 28 years ago when her baby Shalee passed away. The Christmas holiday was in full force with all the sights, sounds and smells that evoke the holiday as Mitchell arrived home after registering for college classes. The home phone rang, and on the other end was the hospital

Page 14: Elizabeth Eden Newberry, 6 months old.

Photo courtesy of Michelle Newberry.

Page 15 left: Shalee Mitchell, 6 weeks old; right: Christmas tree after being planted in the backyard in memory of Shalee. Photos courtesy of Cherilyn Mitchell.

requesting her immediate arrival. Her infant daughter had arrived at the hospital from her day care center via ambulance.

When she asked if her baby was OK, the short answer was to just get there. She asked if her little girl was breathing. The answer was no. The brief phone call ripped all the joy and merriment of Christmas, replacing it with surging anguish, rage and agony. Once her husband Kent arrived home, they went to the hospital together to claim their little girl. Shalee’s funeral was held on Christmas Eve. If Cherilyn had had her way, Christmas would have been cancelled, but her 4-year-old son deserved a Christmas.

She pushed on, trying to keep traditions as normal as possible; a decorated tree, presents and family dinner. Outwardly, it worked. Yet, internally, Mitchell’s soul was crumpled in despair. Hiding in the shower to cry became her safe zone. Today, nearly three decades later, she still has

days she would like to have a silent cry in the shower in memory of her girl.

Infant loss grief clings longer and harder than most griefs. For most mothers, the connection to their child begins before a heartbeat or other visible signs arrive.

Like an instant gift, wishes, dreams, concerns, and imaginings swell and rise as the pregnancy takes its course.

Unlike any other life expectation, babies are irreplaceable. When that infant dies, whether the child is delivered, stillborn, or still in utero, they cannot be replaced.

Pat Obst experienced that trauma multiple times on her way to eventually birthing her son, Ricky. Obst had tried intrauterine insemination (IUI) six times before conceiving. Again, and again, the little baby she long believed she was supposed to have, never materialized. Time after time she kept having to release another unborn life. Eventually everything clicked. continued on page 16

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

15

Feature: Grieving Forward: Infant Loss and Support (cont'd) continued from page 15

A beautiful baby boy was on his way.

Then, at 23 weeks gestation, the world turned upside down. Obst burst into a preterm labor that she could not feel. Confined to bed, and swathed in cords, monitors, and bed pans, Obst hung on for two lives.

One month after the confinement began, in the middle of the night, the medical staff woke her as they wheeled her into an emergency cesarean section. Ricky was on his way at only 27 weeks. Before she was fully anesthetized, he had arrived. A split second before she went fully under, she glimpsed his tiny blue body. In the hours that she was unconscious, the medical team worked tirelessly on little Ricky, and then transferred him to the nearby children’s hospital because he was born too soon and had a massive infection.

With Obst still recovering, her partner Doreen raced to be by the baby’s side.

Since conception, Obst had read books and sung songs to her unborn son. On his only night alive, Doreen carried on the tradition. Between songs she whispered to Ricky, “Hold on, Mom is on the way.” Obst arrived late the following day. Drained from hemorrhaging, she had only a bit of time with her boy. She touched his tiny hand and kissed his curly hair then whispered, “Mommy loves you, but if it is too hard and you are too sick, you can go.” Shortly thereafter, he died in her arms, releasing himself from this life.

Today as a grief counselor, Obst makes the comparison of infant loss to her clients through the metaphor of losing your child in a store. No parent, who has lost their child in a store, would go home, leaving their child behind. The same is true for nearly every parent who loses a child. Going home with empty arms is one of life’s cruelest blows.

Parents who experience infant mortality in any form find themselves hungering for their child at every milestone. Whether it is starting school, riding a bike, their birthday, Christmas or other holiday. Obst has made it her mission to help parents

16

create a connection with their child that will be lifelong, never leaving them behind as they heal from their grief.

Supporting A Loved One in Grie f As harrowing as their grief is, a strange power to serve envelops these parents.

From the hole in their hearts many of these parents rise up as unheralded warriors, advocating, teaching, nurturing and supporting others through their infant loss traumas. They join support groups, start their own groups, hold walks, events and meetings to help teach families on both sides of this chasm how to grow and move forward. But helping those with infant loss is not their only wish. They yearn to help those of us who have never had this horror happen, to learn how to be better supporters of the grievers. Through their experiences, they have created a list of key actions that can assist all of us. Often their first request is to respect their pain.

Don’t dismiss it with phrases like, “Maybe it was for the best” or “Heaven needed them more than we did,” or “You’ll have (or do have) others.” Second, If the heartbroken parents want to talk, listen. Listen for years if you must. Each time they tell their story, a cell of healing occurs. Next, if you plan neighborhood or family events, do not be offended if they don’t attend. Sometimes it is hard to be around other complete families. For major holidays and birthdays, ask the parents for guidance on how

Above: Baby Ricky's March of Dimes promotional image. Photo courtesy of Pat Obst.

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

they would like their child included in the festivities.

But what if a mourner does not want to talk? Let them be. Orren believes there are two major categories of mourners: Intuitive Grievers and Instrumental Grievers. Intuitive Grievers want to talk.

Instrumental Grievers buckle down to projects, work, organizing and planning.

Outward appearances deceive though— inwardly they hurt as much as the Intuitive Griever. For them, support comes in working side by side.

Grieving Forward Miraculously, each of the couples in this piece moved forward courageously.

Cherilyn Mitchell’s family joined the SIDS Foundation of Washington and Oregon, participating in parades, group meetings and advocacy. As a family, Shalee is still very much a part of their lives. Her baby photo hangs on the wall. Her name is spoken with ease. Annually, they celebrate her birth by purchasing a bucketed Christmas tree and setting it at her grave.

After Christmas, they bring the tree home and plant it in the back yard. During the rest of the year, they sit out back and talk to the trees that are her living emblem.

For Pat Obst, becoming a grief counselor, specializing in working with parents who have lost children, was the natural transition. Today she lives in New Jersey, comforting families through their loss. As a couple, she and Doreen volunteered with the March of Dimes. They bought a pirate chest for baby Ricky’s few items: his ultrasound photo and a stuffed bear that was given to Ricky, but that he could never hold. Pat, on the other hand, has held the bear and cried copious tears into its fur.

The chest, the bear, and the shelf next to it are reserved for Ricky.

Michelle Newberry, whose Elizabeth Eden’s passing opened this article, was blessed with amazing neighbors, most of whom they had not yet met when Elizabeth continued on next page

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died, but who came to their family’s aid for months afterward. Now, just a few months after their painful loss, while the grief is still fresh, she has created a Facebook group called “Garden of Eden Angels.” Its purpose is “to help bring Angels together, in every city, to help parents that are experiencing the loss of a child.” Her days of advocacy are just beginning.

their gift, by learning to love and support their families with our highest selves.

Carrie Lynn is an avid reader and emerging writer living in Vancouver. Her first memoir, “Finding Fitzgerald,” is now available at www.widopublishing.com. When not reading or writing, she can be found coordinating Vancouver’s nonprofit Winter Hospitality Overflow (W.H.O.) or traveling with her family.

As each of these families moves forward through their grief, they all say the hardest question is, “How many children do you have?” In their hearts they have one more than we see. For a brief minute they struggle to decide the answer. Usually they just answer with the number of children you can see. It is just easier.

We still have a long way to go in supporting grievers, yet these little lives and their warrior parents are leading the charge to help us all be our fullest compassionate selves. It is a huge sacrifice for our good. A sacrifice that 21,000 or more children have made. As we go forward, may we honor

Go to VancouverFamilyMagazine.com f or more tips f or supporting loved ones during times o f in f ant loss and grie f.

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

17

I ITC EAF OTR I

A P R

DC T A

N E: O EAC

ME

Feature: Meditation: A Practice for Peace

P

gin e a Im getting a

By Carrie Lynn

T W E LV E

new lease YE ARS AG O,

my life was spinning out of control. My first child was off to college in another state. My father-in-law was dying of leukemia. My husband moved in with his dad. Our home was undergoing renovations.

I was home-schooling my autistic son. Though I had been actively religious my entire life, I wasn’t finding the relief I presumed would come through religious observance. The more I tried, the worse things got. Anxiety became an unwelcome but nearly constant companion.

One day while wandering Barnes & Noble, a book called “Real Happiness: A 28 Day Program to Realize the Power of Meditation” by Sharon Salzberg (Workman, 2009) fell off the shelf behind me. I grabbed it. The title spoke to me. I wanted real happiness. I had already tried gratitude lists, venting on the page, journaling, and exercise.

None of them helped. I had read about meditation, also called mindfulness, as a source of relief during childbirth but nothing more. New words like "mindfulness" and "metta" peppered the introduction. I determined to give it a try.

Yoga Mojo and Movement Therapy in Vancouver, Moriah Diederich, adds, “Meditation is about bringing awareness to the present momenttypically by watching the breath as it moves inside your body.” Under the broad umbrella of meditation, this attention to breath is often called mindfulness.

As a novice practitioner the idea of sitting and just breathing was hard for me. I could barely get to two breaths without my mind hopping with thoughts.

Lists of things to do. Conversations I needed to have. Memories that jumped up, both good and bad. I got frustrated. I would quit for a day or two, but something always drew me back. Both Emily and Moriah state that “not thinking” isn’t the goal of meditating. This was a relief.

“Meditation is not a belief system or religious practice,” explains Emily Fletcher, founder of Ziva Meditation. “It is a technique that will allow you to remove stress from your body while strengthening your mind.” Holistic yoga therapist and owner of

Moriah Diederich, holistic yoga therapist and owner of Yoga Mojo and Movement Therapy in Vancouver, helps a student through breath exercises.

Photo courtesy of Moriah Diederich.

18

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

continued on page 20

on life and only needing to sit for a few minutes every day?

We never stop.

Caring. Wearing. Protecting.

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

19

Feature: Meditation: A Practice for Peace (cont'd) continued from page 18

Diederich teaches, “Notice when you have a thought, acknowledge it, and let it go. Bring your awareness back to the breath as it moves through you.” As I began to sit and hold a stable image in my mind, the thoughts began to calm. When a thought came, I imagined it in a cloud and watched the cloud drift by, carrying the thought away. The act of letting go was powerful.

After I had begun to wade in the waters of meditation, and as my youngest child, Mitch, who is on the autism spectrum, was progressing through high school, a friend sent me a link to a page called Asperger Experts. I was surprised and delighted to find that meditation was recommended for families who experience autism.

Danny Reade, one of the founders, writes, “Meditation techniques are a great tool to settle, be calm, and get comfortable with true relaxation.” This was the green light I needed to pass meditation on to my family. I turned to the internet and apps to help me out.

The trick was finding one that worked. I joined online groups such as Happify. I studied Kundalini, Buddhist, and Chakra, practicing each a bit. I used guided and non-guided. I tried walking meditation, sitting meditation, even focused mindfulness while doing dishes.

There was much to like about all of them. However, mindfulness breathing worked best for my son. Today, a decade later, he uses meditation techniques on his final work break at ilani Casino. As part of their employee support effort, ilani created a relaxation room in an area of the building for team members to use. He works until midnight, and says he finds the meditation he does at the end of the evening helps him unwind, allowing him to go to sleep sooner and sounder when he gets home.

Meditation is new to the Western world. By nature, we look for proof of something before we try it. Science already has our back.

T H E AC T O F L E T T I N G G O WA S

can use from your computer or on your phone in a park or at work.

Can anyone meditate? Absolutely! I believe the earlier you start the better. Diederich suggests, “Have your child sit comfortably or lie down on a couch or bed before sleep. Have them begin to tune into their breath. Can they notice if it’s fast/slow? Short/shallow?

Deep/slow?” From those answers, while they are still resting, ask them to “Place one hand on their heart, one on their stomach. Can they feel their breath with their hands?” This simple action anchors the practice. As they and you grow comfortable, see if you or they can control their breath. Slow it down. Breathe deeper.

Over the past decade, meditation is spreading into workplaces and public schools. Companies such as Sony, Google and Proctor and Gamble are integrating or offering opportunities for employees to learn about and practice meditation. Even schools are finding the techniques useful for improving test scores, lowering truancy and improving classroom climate.

As we stretch into a new season of life, I invite you to sample meditation. It need not replace your religious beliefs or worship.

Western meditation is for healing the mind. I see it as caring for my body, like a daily regime of whole brain nutrition. It’s free, requires no equipment and can be done by anyone who breathes.

“May you be healthy, may you be happy May you feel safe, may you know peace May you know kindness, may you be loved.”

Carrie Lynn is an avid reader and emerging writer living in Vancouver.

Her first memoir, “Finding Fitzgerald,” is now available at www. widopublishing.com. When not reading or writing, she can be found coordinating Vancouver’s nonprofit Winter Hospitality Overflow (W.H.O.) or traveling with her family.

powerful.

Studies now confirm that meditation is lifesaving. Experts find that our brains are underutilized. By tapping the various brain areas, through meditation, a person can rewire their life, stop addiction, face fears, change their personality, gain strength, learn new skills, heal illness and much more. Imagine getting a new lease on life and only needing to sit for a few minutes every day?

How does one start meditating? You could follow my path and read a book on it. Or you could reach out to local meditation specialists such as Diederich. If you choose to begin at home online, look for a teacher-guided meditation. Many of them have free tutorials you

20

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

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REGISTER AT WHYRACINGEVENTS.COM Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020 Vfamily_3.56 inx4.8_EOY.indd 1

21

10/15/20 10:40 AM

CALENDAR OF EVENTS & ACTIVITIES

Calendar

November ‘20

S M T W T F S

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30

3 TUESDAY

Marshall House Historic Tours at Officers Row, Vancouver. Tour this historic home near Fort Vancouver, with new safety protocols to keep guests safe. Open Tuesdays and Thursdays 11 am-2 pm. Free admission, tour length: 30 mins.

Reserve your tour time at thehistorictrust.org.

11 am-2 pm

4 WEDNESDAY

Virtual Storytime Song and Book with Miss Ellen for preschoolers each Wednesday at Camas Public Library’s Facebook page. 9:30 am Craft ‘n’ Chat Online through FVRLibraries.

Solo crafting got you down? Drop in weekly on Wednesdays for no-stakes virtual craft sessions through fvrl.org! Meetings are informal and noninstructional, and all projects and skill levels are welcome. 10 am

5 THURSDAY

Clark County Prayer Breakfast live on Facebook. Keynote speaker: Will Graham (grandson of Billy Graham), honored citizen and vocalist: Rey Reynolds. Tickets free but limited, available at clarkcountyprayerbreakfast.com.

7-9 am

7 SATURDAY

of events

Have a community event that you want to share?

Go to www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com and click on “Calendar” to submit your event. Deadline for print calendar submissions is the 1st of the month prior to the issue.

Check out our website for even mo re local events .

Events are subject to change. Please contact organization directly to confirm. All library events are free and open to the public.

education through aviation with a flight simulator lab, vertical wind table, glider building, historic airplanes and collections on display, and various educational programs. Reservations required, and safety and sanitation protocols are in place.

Entry fee: Age 6+ $7 (age 5 and under and those with SNAP food assistance cards free).

10 am-4 pm The Vancouver Symphony Orchestra Classica Concert Series Live Stream. Tickets available at vancouversymphony.org. 6:30 pm

8 SUNDAY

The Vancouver Symphony Orchestra Classica Concert Series Live Stream. (See Nov. 7) 2:30 pm

9 MONDAY

Imagined Ink: Teen Write-In through FVRLibraries. Calling all teen writers! Have a new idea you want to get down on paper? Need to edit your latest draft? Or maybe you’re somewhere in between? Join and meet fellow writers at FVRLibraries’ virtual write-in event. We will discuss the writing process, have visual prompts and brainstorming sessions as well as have time to share. For ages 12-18. 4-5 pm

12 THURSDAY

Equality on Trial: Race, Fairness and the US Supreme Court through Camas Public Library.

Should all human beings be treated the same, or is it possible to be treated equally but unfairly?

Presented in partnership with Humanities WA. *Contains mature themes. Registration is required at cityofcamas.us/camaspubliclibrary. 6-7:30 pm

Vancouver Farmers Market – Fall 2020 – Season Extended in Downtown Vancouver, at 8th St and Esther St. Physical distancing required, masks encouraged, send one person per household. Go to www.vancouverfarmersmarket. com to learn more about safety restrictions to this year’s market, and to access the market’s new online store with curbside pickup. First hour of each day is reserved for seniors and individuals with underlying medical conditions. Saturdays through December 19. 9 am-2 pm

Vancouver Farmers Market in Downtown Vancouver. (See Nov. 7) 9 am-2 pm

Open Saturday at Pearson Field, 201 E Reserve St., Vancouver. Experience STEM

Camp Hope Outdoor Discovery Day Camp at Camp Hope, 12800 NE Roper Rd., Battle

22

activities

14 SATURDAY

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

Ground. Experience nature walks and hiking, horseback riding, orienteering, archery, arts and crafts, woodworking, outdoor survivor skills, scavenger hunts, fire starting, caving, plant identification, games, a history challenge course and more! Snacks and lunch provided. For ages 10-17. $40 per camper, $30 family/discount rate, scholarships available. Register and get COVID-19 guideline information at camphope-wa. org/day-camp. 9:30 am-3:30 pm Open Saturday at Pearson Field. (See Nov. 7) 10 am-4 pm

19 THURSDAY

Podcast Club – Virtual Meeting through Camas Public Library. Podcast Club is like a book club, but for podcast enthusiasts! Each month we will listen to a curated list of podcast episodes centered around a theme. We will then come together to discuss what we listened to – and hopefully learn something new along the way! Each month’s theme will be revealed on the 1st of the month. The Podcast Club will be meeting virtually through Zoom until the library is open to the public. Go to cityofcamas.us/ camaspubliclibrary to register. 7-8:30 pm

21 SATURDAY

Vancouver Farmers Market in Downtown Vancouver. (See Nov. 7) 9 am-2 pm Leftovers 5K Virtual Race. Run any time between Nov 21-29 in this virtual race.

Registration is free, with an opportunity to donate instead to benefit local nonprofit, Share. Register and donate at www.whyracingevents.com.

Open Saturday at Pearson Field. (See Nov. 7) 10 am-4 pm

26 THURSDAY

Clark County Turkey Trot 5K – Benefiting Clark County Food Bank. Run virtually at your home, or participate by running one of the

continued on next page

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continued from previous page Vfamily_3.56 inx4.8_EOY.indd 2

suggested courses that will be feature start, finish, and 5K turnaround markers. Registration $20 at turkey-trot.org. 9-11 am

28 SATURDAY

Vancouver Farmers Market in Downtown Vancouver. (See Nov. 7) 9 am-2 pm

10/15/20 10:40 AM Vfamily_3.56 inx4.8_EOYrev.indd 4

Open Saturday at Pearson Field. (See Nov. 7) 10 am-4 pm

30 MONDAY

Make Anything: Handicraft Toolbox (Online through FVRLibraries). Get creative and join others to learn how to make stuff! Monthly project will feature a variety of projects and tools, including recycled crafts, sewing and basic

10/15/20 1:50 PM

mending, 3D design, fiber arts, paper-making, stamp-carving, watercolor, embroidery, cooking, baking, painting, and more. Projects are suitable for older teens and adults. No experience is necessary. See the monthly program description to learn about that month’s project and the tools you’ll need to create along with us: fvrl. librarymarket.com/make-anything-handicrafttoolbox-2. 6-7:30 pm

advertiser index Camps, Parties & Entertainment Naydenov Gymnastics Fun Center................15 Events Ball Drop Run.................................................23 Friends of Hospice Poinsettia Sale................15 Leftovers 5k Run............................................21 Santa's Posse 5k Run....................................23 Financial WA529 College Savings Plan...........................5 Fitness Naydenov Gymnastics Fun Center................15 Vancouver Parks and Recreation.....................3

Health Adventure Dental............................................21 Barnick Chiropractic.......................................15 Child and Adolescent Clinic..............................2 Evergreen Pediatrics......................................13 PeaceHealth...................................................19 Priority Life Chiropractic and Massage.............9 Storybook Dental............................................11 Vancouver Clinic.............................................11 Legal Schauermann, Thayer, Jacobs, Staples & Edwards PS.....................................7

Resources Applied Team Insurance.................................13 ESD 112.........................................................17 Home Buyer’s and Seller’s Seminars...............3 WA529 College Savings Plan...........................5 Retail ArchCrafters.....................................................2 Kazoodles Toys................................................2 Vancouver Mall...............................................21 Schools, Education & Child Care ESD 112.........................................................17 St. Andrew Preschool.......................................9 Southwest Washington Learning Center........24

Vancouver Family Magazine • www.vancouverfamilymagazine.com • November 2020

23

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