04-04-2007

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M O P E COLLEGE • N E W N E T H E R L A N D S . MI

"FAC U T G A U D E A M .

A P R I L 4 . 2 0 0 7 • SINCE 1887

VOL. 120 NO. 2 0

M & M RESTORED TO 2 0 0 6 STATE ished." " T h i s space h o l d s s o m u c h p o t e n t i a l , " said Jay C u s h o f the

Kirk Cameron MOPE P R RECYLCLER

A M o p e C o l l e g e site with a

M o p e radio station D u b y a - T e e A i c h - E s , a current inhabitant o f

rich t w o - y e a r history is celebrating t h e start o f a n e w chapter.

T h e historic M & M C e n t e r for Local

Communication,

the building.

which

o p e n e d in the fall o f 2 0 0 5 , will rec e i v e a m a j o r restoration in 2 0 0 8

state u n d e r the current plan.

M o p e officials said they w e r e

a c c o r d i n g t o M o p e C o l l e g e PublUOOUOD B JO

lic Relations.

According

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E s ' space in the building would also be restored to its 2 0 0 6 - e r a

h o p e f u l that the s i t e ' s central loto

cation w o u l d a l l o w it t o b e c o m e a focal point o f learning and c o m -

Tommy-boy

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Runner, M o p e C o l l e g e s p o k e s m a n . the c o m p l e t e d restoration

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o f every k n o w n M o p e C o l l e g e

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structure will present M o p e C o l lege t h e first o p p o r t u n i t y in nearly

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munication.

T h e restoration will also inc l u d e w o r k b y the M e r m a n Hiller PHOTO BY GOLIATH LESS

C o r p o r a t i o n to restore the build-

t w o y e a r s t o restore the M & M site

MELT IN YOUR MOUTH, NOT ON THE SIDEWALK - Mr. M & M s t a n d s In f r o n t of t h e b u i l d i n g t h a t b e a r s h i s n a m e .

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to its original grandeur.

T h e restored site will f e a t u r e a

ing's distinctive A e r o f l o p chairs, " t h e Rolls R o y c e or the C a d i l l a c "

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number of "sizeable" classrooms,

ture t o be able t o support an "active daily s c h e d u l e o f classes, m e e t i n g s and e v e n t s . " He also

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to " b u m - b u m " level.

T h e m o v e is in response to stu-

In a recent K n o w M o p e survey, 9 9 percent o f M o p e C o l l e g e

dent concern at h a v i n g to r e m o v e their M o p e College ID out o f their

students indicated that they press

back pockets, enter their PIN n u m -

the blue h a n d i c a p button to o p e n

ber into the scanner, and touch the

doors w h e n e v e r and w h e r e v e r possible. T h e F a c e b o o k g r o u p

ID to the scanner.

"1 feel that it is a w a s t e o f t i m e

" I ' m too lazy to o p e n doors on

and e n e r g y to h a v e to fish out m y ID e v e r y t i m e I w a n t t o e n t e r a

c a m p u s , s o I hit the h a n d i c a p button i n s t e a d " and several students

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a n d student g r o u p s h a v e recently

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s i t e ' s original 2 1 s t - c e n t u r y f a c a d e and w i n d o w s , restoring the his-

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said the p r o j e c t w o u l d restore the

torical appeal o f the structure. " T h e w i n d o w restoration will

ficials. " A s a n a n t i q u e p r o d u c e d in

prove particularly difficult," Run-

a b y g o n e era the chairs are irre-

ner said, "especially since the site's original structure, Lincoln

p l a c e a b l e , " said Runner, " b u t w e c o n s i d e r their estimated value to

Elementary School, w a s d e m o l -

be in the dollars."

ID SCANNERS NOW 'BUMP-N-GO' Arthur Pendragon

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socializing.

R u n n e r e x p e c t s the n e w struc-

o f chairs a c c o r d i n g to school of-

lobbied to b r i n g laziness to a n e w level. E f f e c t i v e i m m e d i a t e l y , every b u i l d i n g - e n t r y ID s c a n n e r on M o p e ' s c a m p u s will be l o w e r e d

b u i l d i n g w h e n it is locked.

I do

it at least 2 0 0 t i m e s a day and it gets sort o f ridiculous h a v i n g to take m y ID out o f m y back p o c k e t every t i m e , " c o n c e r n e d student SEE SCANNER, PAGE 6

PHOTO BY STANOER VANSTROLLER

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CULTMAN S E C R E T TREASURE EXPOSED

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s j o s s a p j d adoiAi Aq/w 0UILUBX3 8 <ASO\ qof jnoA se/w m o h

p h o t o g r a p h s all over.

saw the inside o f President and Mrs. J i m b o C u l t m a n ' s little resi-

w a s fine. First I had n a m e s and then p h o n e n u m b e r s . N o w all I

n o w h e r e to run, n o w h e r e else t o

d e n c e they call h o m e . H o w e v e r ,

had to d o w a s f o c u s o n m y r o u n d

turn. It w a s t i m e for m e to s h o w t h e s e girls just h o w strong o f a

it h a p p e n e d in a very unlikely

o f Frisbee golf.

That was when

person I am. " H i President C u l t m a n . You

finally

h a p p e n e d . I finally

manner.

It w a s j u s t a regular day for m e

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a hot d o g on an old bun a n d s o m e -

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t h i n g they called meat.

T h e sun w a s shining. C l a s s

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-moo

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w a s a p p r o a c h i n g . S o m e girls w e r e w a l k i n g o u t to the C o n i f e r G r o v e

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ready to play Frisbee golf. I c o u l d be a r e s p o n s i b l e M o p e C o l l e g e

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student and g o t o c l a s s and try to e x p a n d m y k n o w l e d g e , or I c o u l d

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m e e t s o m e n e w ladies and s h o w o f f m y F r i s b e e s k i l l s — h a r d deci-

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the right decision.

L i f e w a s great a n d e v e r y t h i n g

at M o p e College. 1 had j u s t finished a " w o n d e r f u l " m e a l at Felps Dine-out C a f e t e r i a o f e n c h i l a d a s ,

^

Z

— too w a r m — and there w e r e

m a n s ' house.

It w a s t i m e to c o n f e s s . I had

It

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a n d pulled m e over to the Cult-

RESIDENT GOSSIP

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light pole, that I k n e w I had m a d e

John Daly

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sion t o m a k e .

It w a s o n the third hole, a f t e r c h u c k i n g m y Frisbee next to the

my

day

"I w a n t to s h o w y o u s o m e t h i n g , " C u l t m a n said, leading m e downstairs.

W h a t 1 s a w next surprised me.

In a rather large b a s e m e n t w a s an a s s o r t m e n t o f all sorts o f trea-

w a s h e r ! " I said, pointing at Sally

sures: ropes f r o m previous Pulls, the old N y k e r k C u p (you k n o w

bee golf, but I had n e v e r t h r o w n it

VandervanZoerenvan.

But C u l t m a n w a s not b u y i n g it. He k n e w Sally too well. Sally k n e w h o w to t h r o w a Frisbee.

the tiny one that y o u r m o m w o n back in the 4 70s or 4 80s), the n e w N y k e r k C u p ( w h y do they h a v e that?), pictures o f e v e r y president

this badly b e f o r e .

T h e loud c r a s h w a s m y Fris-

" Y o u n g m a n I w o u l d like t o h a v e a w o r d with y o u , " C u l t m a n

in the history o f the college ( m o s t o f t h e m w e r e o f C u l t m a n ) , and

bee b r e a k i n g a w i n d o w o f the first floor o f the President C u l t m a n ' s

said, l o o k i n g a b o u t as serious a s

finally

he could.

"1 only w a n t you, you are the

gold coins. " W h a t are t h e s e ? " I a s k e d sus-

o n e that t h r e w the Frisbee a f t e r

piciously w h i l e trying to fit as

a l l , " h e said, pointing at m e in f r o n t of m y ftiture girlfriends.

"Call m e , " I said, w a v i n g

m a n y in my pockets a s I could.

"You k n o w w h y tuition has

goodbye

said.

c h a n g e d completely. T h e w i n d c a u g h t m y F r i s b e e and s u d d e n l y t h e r e w a s a loud C R A S H !

I'll a d m i t it. It w a s not the w i n d ' s fault. I ' m terrible at Fris-

house. A scream was followed and I a m pretty sure that it c a m e f r o m Mrs. C u l t m a n .

Being the brave soul I a m , I w a s a b o u t t o take o f f r u n n i n g and leave the b l a m e on the girls.

I w o u l d h a v e m a d e it had one of t h e m not g r a b b e d my shirt collar

see that b r o k e n w i n d o w there? It

and

approaching

Cultmans' home.

The home was warm

the

inside

millions upon millions o f

increased d o n ' t y o u ? " C u l t m a n

SEE

TREASURE,

PAGE

6

NEWS

2

Ami 4, 2 0 0 7

IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE AMERICA, TIME FOR PENGUINS Tired of the bald eagle? Who isn't? It's time to change our national symbol to a real bird- the penguin Carl M o n d a y W I L D L F I E PRESERVER

For m a n y years in the United States, our national symbol has been the bald eagle. The eagle's visage has graced m a n y a Tshirt, civics textbook cover and pick-up truck rear w i n d o w decal.

However, this bird's time has long passed. Just look at these startling facts; - Bald eagles are not bald.

T h e y just have white feathers, so they have been lying to us all these years. Is the bald eagle a trustworthy animal? O f course not. If they are willing to lie about bird-pattern baldness to gain sympathy, what else are they lying to us about?

- Bald eagles are vicious animals. T h e y pluck fish f r o m their watery homes with their c l a w e d talons. With the current U.S. foreign policy, this is not the image w e should be conveying to the world. Having a bloodthirsty

killer represent America is not exactly the best idea.

- Bald eagles are endangered.

Do we want America to be represented by an endangered species?

What message d o e s that convey, that A m e r i c a is endangered? T h e s e birds are placing us right where the terrorists want us.

Therefore, what can we, as Americans, do? Frankly, w e must adopt a n e w national animal, o n e that brings smiles to all faces. T h e obvious choice here would be a monkey, for the clear reason that m o n k e y s produce giant steaming nuggets of c o m e d y gold on a daily basis.

But A m e r i c a n s are not ready for that type of dramatic change o f interspecies political power. S o

I nominate the penguin, a strong and noble bird. T h e political and e c o n o m i c culture is exactly right f o r s o m e penguin. Look at these facts: - There have been a glut of penguin-based movies including "March of the Penguins" (involving penguins fighting for survival), " H a p p y F e e t " (a shocking expose of fraudulent corporations), "Borat" (a

foreigner going on a cross-country quest to touch penguins), 300 (dancing penguins), and of course, " T h e Passion of the Christ" (check the deleted scenes).

This is obviously because people love penguins.

Therefore, if penguins represent the United States, people will love the United States. This is a proven and logical fact.

The NHL's Pittsburgh Penguins are currently leading their division, and will be in the N H L p l a y o f f s for the first time since 2001. In comparison, the Washington Capitals, a team with an eagle as their mascot, are last in their division.

- E v e r y o n e loves penguins, which will translate to a huge revenue stream w h e n w e get

coins with penguins, shirts with penguins and penguin-topped flagpoles. T h i s could pay off our national debt within 10 years!

- Penguins incubate eggs by placing them on their feet to w a r m them. That is adorable. In comparison, bald eagles fish with their feet and regurgitate fish parts to naked, featherless eagle babies.

That is not adorable in any way.

- U.S. vice president Dick Cheney shot a man directly in the face, while illegally penguin hunting, after mistaking a man for a penguin. Shot him directly in the face. T h a t ' s hilarious. Right in the face.

Obviously, these five points lead to one logical ending, the penguin should be A m e r i c a ' s national animal.

S o call u p your congressperson (or if you have multiple houses, your congresspersons) and demand a change. A change for the better.

A change for penguins.

UPPER PENINSULA GIVEN TO WISCONSIN Governess Granolaholm Solves Michigan's Economic Crisis by Giving U.P. to Cheese State Carl M o n d a y POLITICAL EXPERT

Last Tuesday, Michigan Governess J-Dogg Granolaholm shocked Michigan by giving the U p p e r P e n i n s u l a b a c k to W i s c o n s i n f o r the next five years.

T h e p l a n is e x p e c t e d to boost the s t a t e ' s b a n k a c c o u n t in m u l t i p l e w a y s , f r o m less road m a i n t e n a n c e to s a v i n g ink d u e to s m a l l e r state m a p s . " L e t ' s face it, w e ' v e g o t a financial albatross up there," G r a n o l a h o l m said in a p r e s s conference, "And we have f i g u r e d out a w a y to use it f o r our advantage."

T h e plan is e x p e c t e d to g i v e M i c h i g a n $3 billion f o r the next f i v e y e a r s , in e x c h a n g e f o r the

U p p e r P e n i n s u l a and all its r e s o u r c e s . W i s c o n s i n will get the entire U.P., Isle R o y a l e N a t i o n a l P a r k , and half o f the M a c k i n a c Bridge, but not Mackinac Island b e c a u s e , as G r a n o l a h o l m e x p l a i n e d , "I p e r s o n a l l y h a v e a cottage there."

T h e p l a n will o n l y t e m p o r a r i l y h e l p M i c h i g a n ' s ailing e c o n o m y , s i n c e no j o b s o f any kind are a c t u a l l y b e i n g g a i n e d . N o r will there be a n y i n t a n g i b l e b e n e f i t s , e x c e p t f o r m a y b e s o m e lost Wisconsinites crossing the M a c k i n a c B r i d g e . In a r e l a t e d note, Wisconsin Governor J i m D o y l e has a l s o d e m a n d e d that the M a c k i n a c B r i d g e be r e n a m e d the Brett F a v r e B r i d g e O f Glory, a d e m a n d into w h i c h Granolaholm easily cared.

F E S S l TVIYSTICS H V E T o d a y

However, hope is not c o m p l e t e l y lost f o r the state o f Michigan.

Granolaholm told the a s s e m b l e d m e d i a t h a t , "In f o u r y e a r s y o u will be b l o w n a w a y . I h a v e a secret plan to bring back j o b s , and I ' l l tell you t h e plan in f o u r y e a r s w h e n you re-elect m e . " W h i l e no o n e k n o w s w h a t this secret plan is, o r e v e n if it e x i s t s , it will m o s t likely not i n c l u d e the U.P., i n s i d e r s speculated.

Upper Peninsula residents h a v e not y e t p r o v i d e d their reaction to the m o v e , d u e to the m a s s i v e , eternal w i n t e r that is A u g u s t - M a y f o r the U P ' e r s . " W e ' l l tell t h e m w h e n t h e y d e f r o s t in J u l y , " G r a n o l a h o l m intoned.

DAY "FORECAST

Tomorrow

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Romantic & Fun Wedding Photography

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& p h o t o g r a p h y

i t 8 0 % Humidity I n dex. High 85. Low 60. Bad day for hair.

Expect frizz.

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13-inches of mixed precipitation possible. Keep galoshes and snow boots in y o u r car.

High 105. Low 70.

Extreme d r o u g h t predicted. Tulip blooming delay expected. Water rations in effect for 24 hours.

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online portfolio & info @ WWW.Larsonphoto.com or call our wedding consultant Anne @ 616-365-7669

P O R E D APRIL 4 . 2 0 0 7

IN

CLASS

3

Phelps dessert theft by rodents, students asked to find 2 identical squirrels LDana Printer GRAPHICS G I R L !

Student confused by sidewalk matrix tries to attend class on time LDana Printer GRAPHICS GIRL!

4

NEWS

THE RANCHOR

c h a i n s a w into a h a s t i l y - d u g burrow, w e d e c i d e d that it w a s in the

Hugh Merous COMEDIC GENIUS

Late last w e e k , the A s s o c i a t i o n

best interest o f both M o p e C o l -

o f Squirrel Enthusiasts: M o p e C o l l e g e C h a p t e r , led by squirrel

lege a n d the squirrels t h e m s e l v e s t o tell c o l l e g e officials w h a t w a s

a f i c i o n a d o S a m u e l Q u e n t i n Earl ( ' 0 8 ) , r e p o r t e d to c o l l e g e offi-

g o i n g o n , " stated S.Q- Earl in a

cials that the b e l o v e d squirrels o f M o p e C o l l e g e had b e e n b e h a v i n g a b n o r m a l l y for a f e w w e e k s . ' T h e s q u i r r e l s w e r e a c t i n g ex-

Yus's m o s t recent creation w a s

s i e g e in w h i c h they w o u l d h a v e to

c a m e to m a k i n g a decision on the

a robotic squirrel, a p p r o p r i a t e l y christened " B u c k y . " As the latest

cut d o w n the trees at night with

matter," said C a m p u s S a f e - T ' s appointed r e p r e s e n t a t i v e , w h o will be referred to as " O f f i c e r D u d i k o p f in order to protect his " S t u d e n t s at M o p e C o l l e g e love the squir-

investigated

rels, s o several tactics

the report, a n d s o o n confirmed that the squirrels w e r e indeed

squirrels than w e n o r m a l l y d o , w e w e r e positively thrilled. H o w e v -

c h a i n s a w s into large underground stockpiles beneath

er, o u r b u s h y - t a i l e d f r i e n d s s o o n

the Conifer Grove.

gathering

food

A A A batteries ( m a d e that w a y so y o u h a v e to o p e n t w o p a c k s o f batteries). P r o f e s s o r Yus had dec i d e d to e q u i p B u c k y with a m i crophone, speaker, video camera a n d a state-of-the-art English-to-

pus to a v o i d detection.

"I immediately authorized ext r e m e measures. T h e danger t o our c o m m u n i t y w a s far too great to ign o r e , " Officer D u d i k o p f said.

H o w e v e r , P r o f e s s o r Yus had a better idea.

"1 sent B u c k y to the leader o f the squirrels, and negotiated

o f the m y s t e r i o u s

behavior of

with h i m . We w o u l d plant a gi-

dan-

c a m p u s squirrels, h e i m m e d i a t e l y

g e r to t h e c a m p u s c o m m u n i t y at large. Direct talks with the squir-

offered Bucky as an ambassador t o the squirrels. S o o n a f t e r w a r d

ant o a k in the c e n t e r o f the C o n i fer G r o v e , in w h i c h t h e squirrels

immediately out, i n c l u d i n g

c a p t u r i n g and r e l o c a t -

and

H o w e v e r , they w e r e at a loss

and the greatest in small a n i m a l s h a p e d robots that run on five

c h a i n s a w s , one inch at a t i m e , w h i l e trains are p a s s i n g by c a m -

Squirrel translator c h i p .

W h e n P r o f e s s o r Yus learned

were ruled

t r e m e l y s u s p i c i o u s . First, w h e n w e saw a g r e a t e r n u m b e r o f active

b e g a n to s t o c k p i l e f o o d , e v e n t h o u g h s p r i n g is nigh upon us.

" W e w e r e at a loss w h e n it

identity.

rather lengthy interview.

C a m p u s S a f e - T immediately

APRII. 4 . 2 0 0 7

ing could

the

squirrels

possibly

be

that

a

c o u l d frolic a n d eat m a n y a c o r n s

w h e n it c a m e t o m a k i n g a decision on t h e matter. Students at M o p e

rels w o u l d also not w o r k , given

B u c k y h a d b e e n released into the

if his squirrel a r m y w o u l d d i s b a n d

M y c o m r a d e s and I k n e w that the

that no o n e k n o w s h o w to s p e a k

den o f t h e squirrels, he w a s ac-

squirrels w e r e p r e p a r i n g for s o m e -

C o l l e g e loved the squirrels, s o

thing, and w e w e r e c o n c e r n e d .

We t h o u g h t a b o u t r e p o r t i n g w h a t

several tactics w e r e i m m e d i a t e l y

Squirrel."

Soon however.

Officer Du-

cepted a s a trusted m e m b e r o f the c o m m u n i t y . P r o f e s s o r Yus, w a t c h -

a n d return the stolens c h a i n s a w s .

T h a n k f u l l y , he a g r e e d , " P r o f e s s o r

ruled

d i k o p f learned o f the recent w o r k

ing a n d listening f r o m his lab,

of M o p e

College professor of

q u i c k l y learned that the squirrels were planning on chopping down

out,

including

capturing

s t e a d , w e d e c i d e d to wait, w r i t i n g

a n d r e l o c a t i n g the squirrels that c o u l d p o s s i b l y be a d a n g e r to the

o f f the b e h a v i o r to the u n p r e d i c t -

c a m p u s c o m m u n i t y at large. Di-

E n g i n e e r i n g a n d C o m p u t e r Scie n c e G e n e Yus, w h i c h included

a b l e nature o f the f u r r y little f e l las. But later, w h e n w e saw t h r e e

rect talks with the s q u i r r e l s w o u l d

o f t h e m a t t e m p t i n g to pull a large

w e had seen i m m e d i a t e l y , but in-

Yus said.

Thanks

to

the q u i c k think-

ing and m e c h a n i c a l i n g e n u i t y o f Mope College Professor Gene Yus, a great a n d di s t ur bi ng c a l a m -

b u i l d i n g small r e m o t e - c o n t r o l l e d

e v e r y tree in the C o n i f e r G r o v e in order t o plant a c o r n - p r o d u c i n g

also not w o r k , g i v e n that no o n e

robots in t h e s h a p e s o f a n i m a l s .

o a k s in their places. T h e squir-

squirrels w e love so m u c h , o w e

k n o w s h o w to s p e a k Squirrel.

A s luck w o u l d h a v e it. P r o f e s s o r

rels e x p e c t e d a long and bitter

him o u r thanks.

'SWIPING SMACKDOWN'

ity has b e e n a v e r t e d . We, and the

R a n c h o r G r a m m a r : Parts of S p e e c h "Because

no one knows grammar"

salad d o w n their b r a s a n d b o y s hiding salami s a n d w i c h e s u n d e r

S a f f r o n P. M o o n e y ARWEN RUNNER-UP

After receiving years of com-

their baseball c a p s . It's d i s g u s t i n g

plaints f r o m Felps D i n e - o u t Hall

h o w d i s r e s p e c t f u l t h e s e k i d s are,

supervisors, the

p l u s it's j u s t not p r o p e r h y g i e n e . "

Mope College

Board o f T r u s t e e s are " g i v i n g t h e s m a c k d o w n " on the g r o w ing n u m b e r o f " F o o d S w i p e r s " on campus.

T h e B o a r d is in the p r o c e s s

If " F o o d

Busters"

is hired.

R u n n e r said s t u d e n t s will be all o w e d t o exit t h e cafeteria w i t h one piece o f fruit, a l t h o u g h stu-

of hiring "Food Busters," a non-

dents with i c e - c r e a m c o n e s will p r o c e e d t o a separate " c o n e z o n e "

profit o r g a n i z a t i o n o f c a f e t e r i a

w e i g h i n g station t o m a k e sure the

ladies w h o will serve a s a c a f e t e -

i ce-cream i s n ' t piled t o o high. If

ria patrol s q u a d and e x t e n s i o n to

the c a f e t e r i a lady patrol s q u a d

c a m p u s safety.

O n c e s t u d e n t s place their caf-

finds

s t u d e n t s h o r d i n g f o o d on

eteria tray on t h e c o n v e y e r belt,

a n y part o f their body, the s t u d e n t will be issued a civil v i o l a t i o n a n d

they will b e required to take o f f

must write a three page essay on

all hats, s n e a k e r s , d e s i g n e r b o o t s

" w h y stealing f o o d is bad to so-

a n d b r a s and r e c e i v e a " p a t d o w n "

ciety."

"I think this is r i d i c u l o u s , " Ima

for hidden food. " W e s e e 4 f o o d s w i p i n g ' as a g r o w i n g p r o b l e m a c r o s s the na-

H u n g r y a l o t ( ' 1 0 ) said. "I m e a n , t h e i r food sucks. I ' m entitled t o

tion, specifically on this c a m p u s , "

steal c h i c k e n strips e v e r y n o w

said T o m m y - b o y R u n n e r , H o p e ' s PR m a n . " W e find girls s t u f f i n g

and t h e n . " SEE

SWIPE,

PAGE

7

7

8

1

I I I

n .

DOWN

ACROSS 4 Describes, identifies or quantifies a person, place, thing or idea (or the word that is substituting for said person, place, thing or idea)

1 Indicates manner, time, place, cause, or degree and answers questions such as "how," "wheh," "where," "how much"

5 Action or state of being

2 Expresses relationships between words

6 An exclamation of emotion

3 Takes the place of a person, place, thing or idea so as to prevent repetitiveness

7 Think School House Rock: "

Junction"

8 Person, place, thing or idea burgers â&#x20AC;˘ dogs

fresh fries

100% Certified Black Angus Burgets AJI Beef Chicago HotDo^ Fresh Cut Fries (yes not frozen) Fresh Baked Homemade Cookies Premiun Hand-Dipped IceCream Bais Boylan s Gourmet Soda Frogg/s is a great place to meet friends, grab a bite and just relax. Where else can you go and get a fresh cooked burger, fries and soda for less than $5.00. We are located just across the street from the Haworth Center and two doors down from the Knickerbocker theater. Check out our menu at www.froggysonlne.com 80 East 8th Street Downtown Holland

$ 1.00 OFF ANY BURGER OR HOT DOG COMBO BASKET I n c l u d e s s o d a a n d f r e s h cut f r i e s V a l i d u n t i l A p r i l 18, 2 0 0 7

F E A T U R E

THIS

5

THE RANCHOR

APRII 4 , 2 0 0 7

AL1JMXI EXTREMIST COLONY DISCOVERED IX WEST VIRGINIA D r e f u s Y. Lhye

d o u b t s o f s uch existing

j u s t w a i t i n ' n o w for t h e m

CORRESPONDENT

c o m m u n i t i e s here, but h a v i n g seen for m y s e l f

forebodin' clouds of fear

Several

Mope

Col-

lege g r a d u a t e s w h o h a v e previously gone missing h a v e b e e n f o u n d reportedly h i d i n g d e e p within the vast b a c k w o o d s o f southern Many mors

West Virginia.

u n c o n f i r m e d ruw e r e circulating

a b o u t a c o m m u n e full o f radical anarchists setting up shop amongst the App a l a c h i a n c o u n t r y folk.

K n o w n b y m a n y locals a s simply the H o l l y - a n d e r B a n d i t s , their reputation and relatively cryptic location

was

incentive

enough

for

Mountain

State U n i v e r s i t y ' s A n thropology Department to

investigate

Dr.

Arthur

J.

further.

Kipland,

f a m e d f o r h i s studies o n the Unknown Peoples of A m e r i c a has o n c e again stumbled upon an absolutely b o g g l i n g find.

"We heard widespread

the reality o f the situation, 1 can indeed v e r i f y all the

to p a s s b y n o w . " M a n y a m o n g the surr o u n d i n g c o m m u n i t i e s are

about

still o n their guard, b r a n -

this f a s c i n a t i n g society o f

d i s h i n g rifles and l e f t o v e r b a y o n e t s for a n y possible

astonishing

facts

e c c e n t r i c s , " K i p l a n d said.

Public Inter-land Se-

trespassing escapees. The

curity authorities s c o u r e d

successful

the

high

spirited c o n t r o v e r s y back

and low t h e s e past m o n t h s

home on Mope's campus as the local attitude

mountainsides

in desperate a t t e m p t to halt any additional seditious

plotting.

Eventu-

ally, with the assistance

mission

has

reflects this piece o f disturbing news.

Mope spokesman Hans

o f local f o r c e s and g u i d e d navigation, the B a n d i t s

Van V r i e z e r v a a r d issued

h a v e b e e n all but broken

" W e are u n d o u b t e d l y in favor o f protecting o u r

up.

the f o l l o w i n g s t a t e m e n t :

A c c o r d i n g t o officials,

countries' domestic popu-

the g a n g ' s ringleader, H u -

lation, yet b e c a u s e o f their

ber

direct affiliation with this

Bonnie Clyde, was

taken

into c u s t o d y

last

night and interrogated heavily w h i l e w a i t i n g for release. He r e f u s e d to c o m e n t , but t o w n s p e r s o n G o n t h i e Q u a c k l e said, " T h e suspicion is g o n n a ' b e h e r e to

institution, o u r i m a g e is put in j e o p a r d y with our PHOTO BY CHICKEN

c o n s t i t u e n t s and donors.

We will continue, t h o u g h , to u p h o l d these a l u m n i

PROUD TO BE DUTCH — A

as still a part o f o u r heri-

Virginia. Donors to M o p e College are considering rescinding funds, due to t h e

tage."

poor behavior of t h e s e alums.

group of M o p e alumni, part of t h e e x t r e m i s t

colony 'Hollay-ander Bandits* have cloistered t h e m s e l v e s In t h e hills of W e s t

stay. W e ' r e

NEW CONTINENT DISCOVERED; Kirk Cameron RESIDENT CARTOGRAPHER

Forget all y o u k n e w a b o u t the n u m b e r s e v e n ; eight is the real deal, a c c o r d i n g to M o p e College alumnus C'happelle Speaker ( ' 9 5 ) .

S p e a k i n g in C h a p e l o n M o n d a y , S p e a k -

E a r t h , " S p e a k e r said. "1 b e l i e v e that O c t o g e a is the calling o f o u r g e n e r a t i o n . " T h e d i s c o v e r y , a l t h o u g h currently unc o n f i r m e d , w o u l d radically alter the existing m a p o f the w o r l d a n d shatter the longrunning dominance of hepto-continentists.

O f f i c i a l s from t h e g e o l o g y d e p a r t m e n t

MOPE TO

STUDENTS

THE

MISSION

FIELD

S c i e n c e F o u n d a t i o n to e x p l o r e this excit-

T h e creation o f a n e w S p r i n g B r e a k

ing n e w opportunity," R o x said. Privately,

m i s s i o n trip to O c t o g e a b r o u g h t long lines

M o p e o f f i c i a l s said the c l a i m ' s o b v i o u s scientific intrigue w o u l d help m a i n t a i n the

o f a s p i r i n g participants to the s i d e w a l k s o f

s c h o o l ' s p r o m i n e n c e in N S F - R E U grants. the

B e y o n d scientific interest in t h e claim, O c t o g e a a n n o u n c e m e n t has s t o k e d

d e c l i n e d t o c o n f i r m the s t u n n i n g revela-

increased interest in m i s s i o n trips o v e r

nouncement of a previously undiscovered

tion, but d e p a r t m e n t chair Lykin R o x states the school is l o o k i n g into w a y s to validate

o r e x p l o r e d eighth c o n t i n e n t , O c t o g e a . " T h e G r e a t C o m m i s s i o n calls us t o

the claim. " W e h a v e a n u m b e r o f grant p r o p o s -

Spring Break.

Recent m i s s i o n trips h a d seen declines in e n r o l l m e n t a f t e r trips to C l o u d y v i l l e ,

s p r e a d the gospel to all the c o m e r s o f the

als r e a d y to be s u b m i t t e d to t h e N a t i o n a l

er s h o o k the c a m p u s with his d r a m a t i c an-

RUSHING

Ark.,

Dullstown,

Iowa

and

the Reppel H o u s e T h u r s d a y m o r n i n g .

"I h e a r it's s u n n y a n d w a r m t h e r e , " said Sun L u b e r ( ' 0 9 ) . " O h , and there are souls t o be s a v e d t o o . " Kirk Cameron, former took time away from cent film, 'My Boyfriend ute this article

teen heart throb,

filming

his most re-

Jesus,'

to contrib-

to the Ranchor.

Snowburg,

N . D . failed t o attract interest.

SEE M A P ,

PAGE 6

A i f c i g r c i m s l Greet? Life - KEG RELIEF G i l m o r e H a l l — O M , A GIRL H E L L

PHM 350 is a 3-credit undergraduate course for students who have a biology and chemistry background and who want to learn more about the interaction of drugs on living organisms.

This course is particularly helpful to students who will be pursuing students interested in biomedical or pharmaceutical research and development.

Pine G r o v e — R O V I N G PEE James B u l t m a n - L A M B JAM TUNES Mascot suit - SCAMS IT O U T Frisbee Golf - F R O G BELIEFS

M I C H I G A N STATE For m o r e i n f o r m a t i o n , email us at

F l y i n g D u t c h m e n - M U N C H I N G DEFTLV

U N I V E R S I T Y

msuphmol@msu.edu or call Dr. Peter Cobbett 5 1 7 / 3 5 3 . 7 1 4 5 .

D o w Center - CENTRED OVA/

Depaiimenl o'

Pharmacology & Toxicology

V-Jf

J

H o p e College - GEE H E L L O C O P

V E N T I N G THE

APRIL 4 , 2 0 0 7

RANCHOR

My Spout Thar she blows

by the Board of M o p e College, to be

D i c k - a t h o n t a l k s a b o u t t h e story o f a m a n

advertised or performed on campus. This production was the Vagina Monologues.

a n d a w h a l e , but t h a t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r in t h i s case!)

J u s t a f e w d a y s ago, I w a l k e d b y a

In r e s p o n s e t o this r e a c t i o n , a n a n o n y m o u s M o p e faculty m e m b e r stated,

sign o n c a m p u s t h a t p r o m o t e d " T h e Moby-Dick-athon." M y blood pressure

Cetacea Stubb

skyrocketed immediately.

This is p r e p o s t e r o u s l y s e x i s t ! W h a t t h e B o a r d is s a y i n g is t h a t " T h e V a g i n a M o n o l o g u e s "

A

huge

controversy

wrong

but

isn't

M o p e C o l l e g e ? A n d if s t u d e n t s are m a t u r e e n o u g h , as well a s o b l i g a t e d , t o learn a b o u t t h e h u m a n b o d y in the c l a s s r o o m , s h o u l d n ' t t h e y be a l l o w e d t o e n g a g e in

" I n n o w a y , s h a p e o r f o r m , d o e s t h e title " M o b y Dick-a-thon" make any reference

e n t e r t a i n m e n t s u c h as p r o d u c t i o n s like the Vagina M o n o l o g u e s o u t o f t h e c l a s s r o o m ,

t o the m a l e r e p r o d u c t i v e organ. It is a c l a s s i c tale o f a m a n and a w h a l e , n o t o f

on c a m p u s ? S u r e l y if s t u d e n t s c a n a t t e n d a " M o b y - D i c k - a - t h o n " they can attend the

c a n ' t be p r o m o t e d a n d h e l d o n M o p e ' s

t h e c a m p u s o f M o p e C o l l e g e . T h i s is an e x t r e m e l y i m p o r t a n t i s s u e that s i m p l y

c a m p u s because of the reference to the f e m a l e r e p r o d u c t i v e o r g a n b u t t h e y will

c a n n o t b e h u s h e d , s i l e n c e d or i g n o r e d .

allow the promotion of the " M o b y - D i c k -

It's m o r e i m p o r t a n t t h a n politics, r e l i g i o n

a t h o n " that uses a slang term for the male

or w h e t h e r

reproductive organ?!

(I m e a n , it is o n l y a really s m a l l m i n o r

College d o e s n ' t allow you to promote any

m o n o l o g u e a r e j u s t a s e q u a l a s the M o p e C o l l e g e s q u a b b i t is a squirrel a n d a r a b b i t .

s o r t o f story or p r o d u c t i o n t h a t r e f e r e n c e s

It's as s i m p l e as that.

detail t h a t t h e V a g i n a M o n o l o g u e s talk

a reproductive organ. Since when human organs viewed negatively?

Forget about Willy, free ME! And while you 're at it, bring some krill.

the

arisen

if I ' m

on

or n o t

has

Correct m e

h u m a n a n a t o m y o f f e r e d a s a c o u r s e h e r e at

Mope

College

" S q u a b b i t " is m o r e s q u i r r e l or m o r e rabbit.

Last month, a n u m b e r of M o p e students p u t o n a p r o d u c t i o n that w a s n o t a l l o w e d .

entirely about Vaginas, and the M o b y -

U m , e x c u s e m e ! It c l e a r l y d o e s m a k e

"Vagina Monologues."

reference! T h e case seems to be, unless

As

you have the n a m e Herman Melville and w r o t e y o u r s t o r y back in 1851, M o p e

are

far a s

I'm

concerned

"Vagina"

a n d " D i c k " w h e t h e r a r e a d - a t h o n or a

Continued from page 1

Scanner

Treasure

Continued from page 1

" Y o u d i d n ' t ! You m e a n

Cultman asked.

"Maybe..."

H u g h J a z z ( ' 0 9 ) said.

T h e l o w e r i n g o f the I D s c a n -

will be setting a w a v e for t h e f u -

"Will this h e l p ? " C u l t m a n asked, handing me multitudes

n e r s to " r e a r - e n d " level is e x p e c t -

ture. I e n v i s i o n that o u r collegiate

ed t o s a v e the a v e r a g e s t u d e n t 9 0 m i n u t e s e v e r y year. In order to

rivals, s u c h a s C a l v i n a n d H o b b e s C o l l e g e , will very s o o n f o l l o w

1

gain a c c e s s t o a l o c k e d a c a d e m i c

suit o f this novel a p p r o a c h , " C u l t -

Cultman's

or residential b u i l d i n g , the M o p e

m a n said.

my

p a r e n t s ' h a r d e a r n e d m o n e y is going to you and M a r t h a ? ? ! " " W e l l , w e d o n e e d to h a v e a s e c u r e r e t i r e m e n t a n d w i t h all o f the troubles that Social Security

of gold coins.

has been having lately..."

promised,

"John,

I

made

you

won't

say

a

shaking

peep..,"

chocolate chip cookies and lem-

hand.

That night, after a dinner of

onade!!!!" Martha yelled from a

c r a b l e g s , p r i m e rib and s o m e

distance.

"All right!

fine g r a p e j u i c e 1 left with n o t Real

some

"I

food!

Be

great stories to tell m y f r i e n d s .

T h e y will n o t tell a n y b o d y . T h e y

tween

promised.

of us, r i g h t ? "

says, HKe. spreao THG Love! TOiaiiY snare your raNCHor aND cneer SOMe GLOOMY GUS UP!"

o n l y m y F r i s b e e , but with s o m e

right there!" " N o w t h i s s e c r e t is j u s t bethe t w o

P o o k y t h e Pandolin

RANCHOR

READING

" B y making these changes, we

c o m m u n i t y will n o w b e a b l e t o utilize a " b u m p - n - g o " style w h e r e u p o n e n t e r i n g the ID P I N n u m b e r , they " b u m p " the s c a n n e r with

c h a n g e s will forever c h a n g e h o w

is h o u s e d .

Mope President Jimbo Cultm a n hailed the b u m p - n - g o s y s t e m

w e live as A m e r i c a n s and M o p e College students," Heiny Keister

a s i n n o v a t i v e a n d revolutionary.

use o f o u r very best a s s e t s . "

AUDIENCE

" T h e material in the M o p e C o l l e g e Ranchor is brilliant, awe-inspiring,

" B e i n g the n i t p i c k y E n g l i s h p r o f e s s o r that I a m , w h e n e v e r I read W i t h o u t it, w h e r e else w o u l d 1 get my news?"

errors.

A l a s , to m y c h a g r i n , I n e v e r E V E R find a n y !

s i m p l y great stuff.

spell-binding; I s i m p l y c o u l d not put the Ranchor down. Forty-two thumbs up!"

Your c o p y

-Yew N o r k T i m e s

than you c u r r e n t l y are; I suggest a $ 1 , 0 0 0 p e r m o n t h increase for all " H i , m y n a m e is Jared.

I went on

y o u r s t i p e n d s . T h e R a n c h o r is m u c h better than the local paper, the

the R a n c h o r diet and lost 245 p o u n d s in t w o w e e k s ! M y secret? T h r e e t i m e s

N e w N e t h e r l a n d s G u a r d i a n ; they h a v e at least 15 errors e v e r y i s s u e . " -Robert Dinnero

I w a s captivated by

e v e r y w o r d . T h e n e w s in t h e R a n c h o r is

editors are a m a z i n g and d o a fantastic j o b ! Y ' a l l should be paid m o r e

B u r p e e Hall

( ' 0 8 ) said. "I feel that this m a k e s

TESTIMONIALS

m y w e e k l y edition o f the M o p e C o l l e g e R a n c h o r , I a m constantly on the l o o k o u t for t y p o g r a p h i c a l errors, A P style m i s t a k e s , and spelling

-Jon VanJuan-Smit,

"I think that the n e w ID scanner

seat o f the pants in w h i c h the I D

Colon Hall correspondant Arthur Pendragon gets the scoop... " T h e R a n c h o r is a G o d - s e n d .

E x t r e m e e n t h u s i a s m is b e i n g generated across Mope's campus, e s p e c i a l l y a m o n g s t students.

" W e h e r e at the N e w N e t h e r l a n d s G u a r d i a n c o m m e n d t h e

a day, I w o u l d pick up m y R a n c h o r and read g o o d nutritious n e w s instead o f all

"i < 3 t h e Ranchor. i feel l y k e

that fatty, h i g h - c a r b n e w s that is in the

m y e d u m a c a t i o n $ $ $ are gettin

student w o r k m a n s h i p a n d art; it is s uch a g o o d n e w s p a p e r that

New Netherlands Guardian. Reading the R a n c h o r religiously h a s s a v e d m y

put 2 g o o d u s e . "

-anonymous

w e squeal w i t h j o y and j o y n e s s w h e n e v e r w e can get o u r h a n d s

AIM

Ranchor

on a copy!" - N e w Netherlands Guardian

l i f e . " -Jared G o f l e

mopecollegefreshie88

sent

to

the

Map

10% off

R a n c h o r o n a j o b well d o n e !

by

T h e R a n c h o r is a fine piece o f

Continued from page 5

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Pity Partiers Anonymous Dr. De Luco is here for YOU Dear Dr. De Luco, I started putting on a lot of weight after I broke up with my girlfriend. T m worried that this grief is hurting me emotionally and physically. Is there any way I can get over this in a healthy way and return to normal?

Thanks, Fat in Fenton FF, Your situation is a common one amongst college students. Many college students consistently find that their weight has been increasing drastically The emotional pain and grief that is caused by breaking up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can often cause a temporary change in habits.

The number one thing that you need to realize is this: being fat only makes things worse. You see, girls just don't like fat guys.

Think about it. Have you ever seen a fat guy playing a lead role in Grey's Anatomy. The OC. Laguna Beach or any other TV show targeting girls? How about in The Notebook, A Walk to Remember or any other chick flick? I didn't think so.

...For five e a s y inslallmenls of $99.95 y o u r dark and dreary life can be turned around instantly t o w a r d s blinding sunlight-filled days! H a v e y o u r questions a n s w e r e d by experts in the fields of possessed in-laws and philandering friends. S u b m i s s i o n s will be d r a w n f r o m a hat triweekly. T h e lucky recipients o f m y bountiful k n o w l e d g e will be cornered by a gorrilla that s a m e morning. Just pay up. d o n ' t fight B o n g o .

The only way to fix your problems is to suck it up and start working out more and eating less. Otherwise you 7/ never be able to find that all-important rebound relationship to help you get back on your feet. A rebound relationship is one of the most important parts of a break-up. How could anyone truly recover from something that emotionally stressful without first dating someone that they don't actually like?

To reiterate what I said before, if you get fat, even the girls you don't like won't date you. As the great philosopher Woody Allen once said, "What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only the fat guy in the third row exists? " Don't be that guy.

Dear Dr. De Luco, M y friend has recently become addicted to both Dawson's Creek and the Mighty Ducks. What is the best thing I can do for her?

Sincerely, Worried in Wyoming Well, the most obvious thing you could

Monologues and the white whale Swipe To t h e Editor: This past w e e k e n d the m o b y D — a - t h o n took place o n M o p e ' s c a m p u s . Students from English 314 read the entire classic tale, m o b y D — b y H e r m a n Melville.

M a n y students h a v e been in m y office to inquire w h y it is possible for M o p e to entertain any group, let a l o n e an a c a d e m i c group, w h o the term D — in their event title and p r o p a g a n d a .

At first this m a y a p p e a r a fair

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question considering w e could not allow the V--— M o n o l o g u e s t o take place on M o p e ' s c a m p u s ; h o w e v e r upon further consideration 1 think all true scholars will u n d e r s t a n d the reasoning.

T h e m o b y - D — a-thon w a s an a c a d e m i c event w h i l e the purpose of t h e V Monologues w a s simply to entertain and "inf o r m . " I k n o w the tale of a w h a l e m a y s e e m as though it would be entertaining, it is a story, but I

classic. F u r t h e r m o r e , the V — - M o n o l o g u e s was a f u n d r a i s e r and w h i l e the f u n d s m a y be going to a good place. M o p e c a n not attach its n a m e or f u n d i n g to a term as vulgar and o b s c e n e as V . 1 hope this w a s h e l p f u l in clearing up the cloudy water in this sea o f c o n f u s i o n .

would like to remind you it is a

Ducks. Or you could tell your friend that the only people in the U.S. who are actually named "Dawson " are all women.

If all else fails, you can only assume that they 've suffered brain damage. In this case, there isn't much hope for her, but you can try to capitalize on the situation. Try to think of the last time your friend hit her head. Then sue the pants off whoever s property she was on, along with any companies that made anything that was in the area. I'm pretty sure that an addiction to Dawson's Creek alone is enough to legally constitute brain damage, but if you mention the Mighty Ducks, the companies will all be begging you to settle out of court.

Of course, you need to get the money, so tell your friend that if she gives you all the money, you will buy her every season of Dawson s Creek on DVD, along with the collector s boxed set of the Mighty Ducks trilogy.

do for yourfriend is get her out of Wyoming.

It's obvious that these addictions are stemming mainly from boredom because there is nothing better to do.

Also, it would help to replace these addictions with a healthier, more realitybased alternative. It would be best to do this in small steps, as I have heard of someone in a similar situation who was addicted to early sitcom I Dream of Jeannie, she was beginning to recover, but took things too quickly and suffered a violent relapse that has left her with a permanent tic that causes her to nod her head randomly during conversations.

A good down-to-earth place to start with this would be watching a variety of TV shows in order to broaden her horizons and get her out of the 90s. Some good alternatives for this would be Lost, Star Trek, and Battlestar Galactica.

Poking holes in the plots of Dawson's Creek and the Mighty Ducks movies would also be beneficial. For example, you could read the hockey rule book andpoint out every penalty that went uncalled in the Mighty

. ^ a l l M e Ishmael

Vy>Continued from page 4

"First they m a k e us have meal plans and now t h i s, " angrycynicalmopestudent (*09) said. " W h a t next? We actually need to eat all the food on our plate?"

Despite student o p p o s i t i o n .

R u n n e r said the smack d o w n is f o r a good cause. " W e ' r e j u s t trying to m a k e our students good Christian stewards of t h e food they have.

In A f r i c a , some kids are starving," Runner said.

T h e Board o f Trustees said

it's also considering the adoption of a weigh-in and w e i g h out cafeteria station. Students would be required to record their weight b e f o r e entering and exiting the cafeteria as a w a y to control obesity on c a m p u s . T h e concept is still in its beginning phases. " F o o d Busters" w o n ' t be hired until M o p e convinces the U.S. g o v e r n m e n t that the college has no possibility o f being sued for breaking civil liberties or sexual harassment.

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H o L y

E a s t e r s c h e r f u L e

We do this in Remembrance - Maundy T h u r s d a y - April 5 6PM Join us for an Agape meal, a foot washing, and Communion as we remember the Last Supper. The service ends with a stripping of the altar in preparation for Good Friday.

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We Proclaim His Resurrection!

Easter Vigil - A p r i l S 6AM Gather with us before sunrise as we kindle a fire in the darkness and listen to the Biblical story of God's saving actions. At the news of Christ's resurrection, we shout "Alleluia!", ring bells, sing praises, and celebrate Holy Communion. (Bring your bells!)

Easter Service - April 8 10AM - We gather in the good news of Christ's resurrection, celebrating Communion, and offering our thanks and praise to God.

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THE

ANCH©R

M A R I O

8 PORCELAIN PRACTICE ROOMS APRII. 4 , 2 0 0 7

THE RANCHOR

C e d r i c Baidy

fluorescent

lights

and

white

HOMO-SAPIEN

F o r nearly a d e c a d e . M o p e College has buzzed quietly a b o u t p l a n s for a c o n c e r t hall o n c a m p u s . T h e hall w o u l d p r o v i d e s p a c e for p e r f o r m a n c e s and w o u l d

blown

e n g i n e e r e d for a s p e c i f i c n u m b e r of people doing a specific activity

s m e l l s in there. air."

provide

high-

tech t e m p e r a t u r e c o n t r o l . Larger than m o s t p r a c t i c e r o o m s , t h e

privacy during rehearsals.

Even

large

ensembles

finding bathrooms

an

are

efficient

said, " W e w e r e w o r r i e d at first b e c a u s e m o s t of the b a t h r o o m s are

a d d an e l e m e n t o f m y s t e r y a n d

a r o u n d the c a m p u s .

"1 love rehearsing

g e n d e r specific. If w e c o n d u c t e d rehearsal in t h e g i r l ' s b a t h r o o m ,

performance spaces on campus. " S o m e t i m e s w h e n I g o out

b a t h r o o m s , " vocalist Bri t t any R o c k w a l l ( ' 0 7 ) said.

"The

half o f u s w o u l d get c o o t i e s and

onto

vice now

But N y l u r k Hall large d u a l - g e n d e r

stage. I j u s t burst into tears. We

h a n d i c a p p e d b a t h r o o m w h i c h is p e r f e c t f o r o u r 6 0 - p i e c e orchestra.

o u r r o u t i n e inside the stalls o f the Dewd bathrooms, the Pantyhose

W e ' r e very h a p p y to h a v e it."

is

Katherine Roberts, dance professor, added her perspective.

Jennifer Crowley ( ' 1 0 ) said.

need

to

there."

Mope

pee,

you're

bathrooms

already all

r u n n i n g w a t e r , tile

boast

floors,

paper towel dispensers.

and

Bright-

versa. has a

it

say,

"Concert

Hall, t a k e y o u r

time."

p i z z a z z to the a l r e a d y e x i s t i n g

in

if y o u

good

Like moving

u s all b e t t e r at w h a t w e d o . "

finding the r e h e a r s a l s p a c e they d e s p e r a t e l y n e e d in b a t h r o o m s

a c o u s t i c s a r e great and

how

a w a r e o f the s p a c e a r o u n d t h e m .

W o r k i n g in b a t h r o o m s will m a k e N o t only d o the b a t h r o o m s enable great rehearsals, they

Performers

by

that m y s t u d e n t s a r e m u c h m o r e

are

creative.

well

away

and that p r o v i d e s an interesting c h a l l e n g e for the d a n c e r s . I find

place to r e h e a r s e .

M u s i c p r o f e s s o r Rick P e t e r s o n

as

the b a t h r o o m s ' a d v a n t a g e s .

In unison Mope students can now

s p a c e , " R o b e r t s s a i d . " T h e y are

which

" o v e r c r o w d i n g p r o b l e m " in both

is r e s o u r c e f u l as

T h e r e s e e m s to be no e n d to

in the c h a p e l now, I am totally

windows

relieve w h a t s o m e w o u l d call a n

student

( ' 0 6 ) a d d e d , " W h e n we p e r f o r m

an

b a t h r o o m s are e a c h e q u i p p e d with stalls that lock t o e n s u r e

the m u s i c and d a n c e d e p a r t m e n t s .

But until then, the m o d e r n M o p e

" M o s t o f the b a t h r o o m s are i n c r e d i b l y e f f i c i e n t use o f

walls enable easy music reading.

Some bathrooms even have

the

Pantyhose

Theatre

spend so much time practicing

too

overwhelming,"

dancer

PHOTO BY CAMERA

HOLD YOUR NOSE — Despite the smell, dancers have grown quite fond of waltzing in the W.C.

Trumpet player Mike Johnson

IFF THE MADNESS BES|N, JESUS STY1E Bryan Gumbie

G a t h e r i n g , a n d only o n e c a m e o u t

P B S SPORTS

victorious.

Tim Canterbury

F o r t h o s e o f you w h o h a v e n ' t been following the annual Jesus Lovers' March High Hug

Five,

Madness:

Handshake

Competition

y o u u p t o speed.

—

let's

and get

Two players

r e m a i n e d h e a d i n g into S u n d a y ' s

opened

the

night with a strong s h o w i n g . A m e r e t h r e e feet into the d o o r he freshmen.

He

pre-Gathering

heading

smile on his face and a gleam

finished with 14 hugs, six h a n d s h a k e s a n d n i n e high-fives,

into

this

C a n t e r b u r y said.

last

round,"

"I think I did

in his e y e s .

His dedication and

experience shone through as he worked his w a y through the

that

love o f the Lord t h r o u g h s w e e t

crowds.

and a

greetings."

N o t to b e o u t d o n e , J o n D o e

string of high-fives B u r p e e Hall b o y s

followed fives

fired u p h i s J e s u s l o v i n ' e m o t i o n s a n d s t r o d e into D i m n e n t w i t h a

alright t h o u g h , I kept m y cool and j u s t g o t excited a b o u t s h a r i n g t h e

ran into a s w a r m o f hug h a p p y u p with t w o high

Trygger Johanson. " I ' v e gotta admit, I w a s scared

h a n d s h a k e with the head h o n c h o .

a

^

stunning

an

II u «i it

Teaching

m

Ablitiv - 1 %

"Knights" - 12%

f r o m the c a m e to

conclusion

energetic

Saul

with

Excitema

while

Doe concluded

with

10

h a n d s h a k e - h u g . A f t e r the j u d g e s w e i g h e d in. D o e w a s p r o c l a i m e d victorious, with h e a v y w e i g h t put o n his strong finish.

"I c a n ' t believe

it w o u l d n e v e r e n d .

"I d o n ' t k n o w h o w

it," D o e said. "I really d o n ' t k n o w

the n u m b e r s are g o i n g

w h a t t o d o I ' m so

t o c o m e out, but at

excited.

said.

"I've

I want

t o thank all o f m y loving fans,

least I tried," D o e

*

the

Canterbury

h u g s , s e v e n h a n d s h a k e s , four h i g h - f i v e s and one spectacular

h a n d s h a k e - h u g t h a t s e e m e d like

Reasons for Mope Professors ITtf to be Denied Tenure Consorting with

A seemingly endless

competition

n u m b e r s c a m e in.

been

d o i n g this for f o u r

this

y e a r s now, a n d I've always come

have happened without you,

wouldn't

u p j u s t shy o f the

and m y f a m i l y

championship

f o r all o f y o u r support,

trophy."

and

Jesus because he's just

A f t e r 15 minutes of tough

amazing."

( £ 1

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T H E R E A L M O P E STORY A f t e r

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Jan Dymhead

HOPE COLLEGE ANCHOR

a frisbee struck her

through

class, R o b -

t h r e w it o n t o the roof o f

the Con i f e r G r o v e ,

in neglected to d o the

DeWitt. S h e

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quickly ran away, and

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called u p o n b y hls pr0.

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Billy Bob

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Red Robin

When

fessor, he simply m u m b l e d an incoherent response.

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