10-26-2011

VOL. 125 N O .

NCH

7

"NE H U M A N U S CREDE"

OCTOBER 26. 2011 • SINCE 1887

Spot the rancor eight times in this issue, and email us for a prize!

"HOPE COLLEGE" • H O L L A N D . M I C H I G A N

Skaters mysteriously disappearing Princess Diana PRINCESS

Holland, Michigan: t h e second happiest t o w n in the country.

O r is it?

New information p u t s Holland's standing in the happiness polls at risk.

The skate park o n t h e c o r n e r of 10th and Columbia; w h i c h was recently b o u g h t by H o p e College and t o r n d o w n , had at first created s o m e c o n t r o v e r s y b e t w e e n H o p e s t u d e n t s and the f o r m e r p a r k s regular skater crowd. Things s e e m e d to have c a l m e d d o w n recently in spite of there still not being an o p e n skate park in Holland.

At first, this m a y s e e m promising; in such a h a p p y t o w n p e o p l e c a n n o t stay angry for long. However, t h e reason for t h e s u d d e n c a l m is n o t b e c a u s e t h e skaters got tired of harassing H o p e s t u d e n t s . It s e e m s t h e Holland H a p p i n e s s C o m m i t t e e has very intentionally q u i e t e d

OUE TO THE CONDITION THE EQUIPMENT PERMANENTLY CLOSE

ALLOWED LOCATED SMALLLENBUR6

things d o w n .

W h e n w o r d of t h e unsettling events c a u s e d by skaters on

'Phelps' food scandal Princess Diana

Hope's c a m p u s r e a c h e d t h e city, there was i m m e d i a t e distress over Holland's position as t h e n u m b e r two happiest city in i h e country. This i n f o r m a t i o n was especially t h r e a t e n i n g to t h e p r o s p e c t of m o v i n g up to n u m b e r one.

With this unacceptable situation at hand, t h e city has decided to take action.

The skaters have n o t voluntarily q u i e t e d d o w n ; they have actually b e e n mysteriously d i s a p p e a r i n g from our perfect town thanks to the Holland Happiness Committee.

The city of Holland, in o r d e r to preserve its image, uses t h e Holland H a p p i n e s s C o m m i t t e e to secretly relocate any mischievous d e g e n e r a t e s .

T h e removal of all skaters f r o m Holland is n o w t h e city's n u m b e r o n e priority.

A n y u n s u i t a b l e behavior in Holland could result in a similar fate. The city is serious a b o u t gaining t h e title of happiest t o w n in A m e r i c a and t h e trained assassins working for the Holland H a p p i n e s s C o m m i t t e e are willing t o d o a n y t h i n g to p r o c u r e this highly-regarded status.

This situation m a k e s it very d a n g e r o u s to be a skater living in Holland. If you are a teenage boy in high school with a habit

of wearing skinny p a n t s with your Nike h i g h - t o p s and h o o d i e s covering your overgrown, shaggy b e d h e a d you should be o n t h e lookout at all times.

It has also been suggested that for safety reasons skaters should go incognito as H o p e s t u d e n t s , favorites of t h e city and t h e r e f o r e g u a r a n t e e d t o be left alone by t h e Holland H a p p i n e s s C o m m i t t e e . A pair of khakis, a b u t t o n - u p shirt and a " H o p e " c r e w neck sweatshirt is all that's n e e d e d to disguise oneself as a wholesomely h a p p y " H o p e student."

Safety of Holland citizens set aside, t h e big q u e s t i o n n o w in everyone's m i n d is h o w the leakage of this n e w s will affect the national happiness polls.

Removing t h e citizens w h o may have b r o u g h t t h e city d o w n is not looked well u p o n by t h e national h a p p i n e s s judges. Will Holland n o w even b e able to retain its longstanding position in s e c o n d place?

PRINCESS

Last S u n d a y night, a H o p e College refrigerated truck m a k i n g a delivery to Phelps dining hall was pulled over a n d searched after rising suspicions a b o u t t h e n a t u r e of the food served in t h e dining hall.

Ever since H o p e s t u d e n t Shirl T h o r n ('15) received a suspiciously t h u m b - l i k e piece of chicken in her b u r r i t o last week, s t u d e n t s have been avoiding t h e dining hall for fear of c o n s u m i n g s o m e t h i n g never m e a n t to be eaten.

Thorn, who has since cancelled her Phelps meal plan, said "1 don't k n o w w h a t they m a k e that food out of, but I don't really w a n t to find o u t either"

A c c o u n t s of the story h a d g o t t e n so w i d e s p r e a d that by Saturday, w o r d had r e a c h e d t h e governor and t h e entire M i c h i g a n Senate a n d H o u s e of Representatives. N o t w a n t i n g t h e health of young, p r o m i s i n g s t u d e n t s to be t h r e a t e n e d , t h e S e n a t e i n f o r m e d t h e Michigan State Police.

N o t until S u n d a y night, after a long but a c t i o n - p a c k e d car chase d o w n 8th street, did t h e State Police finally c o r n e r the refrigerated t r u c k and take t h e driver into t e m p o r a r y c u s t o d y while they s e a r c h e d t h e back of t h e truck.

SEE PHELPS, PAGE 2

W H A T ' S INSIDE NATIONAL

I

VOICES

6

ARTS

4

SPORTS

8

The R a n c h o r

The puppet master: Sammy to take control of'Hope' Rachel Dratch COMEDIAN

A f t e r a recent investigation, it has been c o n f i r m e d that President James Bultman is actually a f r o n t for t h e real college president.

The o w n e r of Sammy's stores and nails, S a m m y Samsonite, h a s actually been in c o n t r o l of Bultman. Samsonite has s p e n t t h e last 20 y e a r s s e c u r i n g his spot r u n n i n g H o p e College in o r d e r t o f u r t h e r his f u t u r e plans.

"Putting m y stores and nail salons e v e r y w h e r e in Holland was t h e first p a r t . T h e n I k n e w I n e e d e d m o r e . The next step was t o take over H o p e College," S a m s o n ite said.

His goal in taking over Bultman w a s to advance his plan for world d o m i n a t i o n . He started with t h e stores and t h e n Bultman. He currently is using Bultman to brainwash Hope College s t u d e n t s . The s t u d e n t s s u p p o r t his stores and f u r t h e r his m o n e y ring. All t h e m o n e y that h e receives f r o m t h e store h e actually uses to get closer to m o r e p o w e r f u l people.

Surprisingly, Samsonite

actually c o n t r o l s o t h e r leading Republican politicians including Gov. Rick Snyder, House M a j o r i t y leader Eric Cantor, a n d even presidential candidate Rick Perry. " O n c e Perry is president t h e next step is t h e U n i t e d N a t i o n s .

I a m so close I can almost feel it," Samsonite said.

Hope students were surprisingly u n s u r p r i s e d t h a t this w a s h a p p e n i n g o n c a m p u s .

Betty Bayfield ('12) actually t h o u g h t it m a d e a lot of sense.

"I always w o n d e r e d why they let Sammy's be so close; n o w it m a k e s sense. Samsonite wouldn't w a n t to walk to far f r o m t h e president's h o u s e to get to his store," Bayfield isn't t h e only opinion o u t there. W h i l e in the minority, Gustoff G u i d o ('13) had n o idea this was h a p p e n i n g .

"This actually breaks my h e a r t . I love Mr. Bultman.

1 don't think I can take this devastating news. I a m m o v i n g to W a s h i n g t o n to find a v a m p i r e to convert m e like in t h e book," G u i d o said.

To c o p e with the recent

n e w s the Board of Trustees had an e m e r g e n c y meeting.

The m e e t i n g w a s held this past w e e k e n d to decide what t h e next step would be. The Board decided t h a t it w a s best to r e m o v e Bultman f r o m his position and n a m e Sa m so n i t e as the new president. It was also c o n v e n i e n t as Bultman was set t o retire at t h e e n d of this year.

However, Samsonite won't be waiting till t h e end of t h e year to take over.

There is a ceremony s c h e d u l e d for O c t . 31 in the DeVos fieldhouse to initiate S a m s o n i t e as t h e n e w president.

He will be given a c r o w n a n d scepter. Samsonite believes t h a t since this has worked o u t so well m a y b e h e will c o n t i n u e to reveal himself as t h e controller of m a n y leading figures.

"Let's be honest, 1 am clearly n o t a b e h i n d - t h e - s c e n e s figure.

I love extravagant things. A n d n o w that this whole H o p e College takeover is going so well, I think it is t i m e t o take credit for everything else I have done!"

E d i t o r s ' N o t e : The R a n c h o r is a p r o d u c t i o n of a w h o l e b u n c h of p e o p l e with too m u c h t i m e on their h a n d s . O u r goal is to be funny, witty, and satirical. W h e t h e r or not we have succeeded. The Ranchor is a big fat joke. If you think this stuff is real, please call The Ranchor and we will c o m e and give you a wedgie. Any similarity t o real life people is all in good fun.

Staff

d P P n l v ^ n n l o P i z e s for t h e lack o f Droprietv in o u r M a r c h 1 9 7 3 Issue. We o r o m . s p to Keep Q.r

n,

CAMPUS"

u 2

THE RANCHOR

O C T O B F R

2 6 ,

2 0 1 1

Murder he wrote: English professor had secret life as serial killer T H I S W E E K AT H O P E

Cameron Frye BEST FRIEND

Thursday Oct. 27 Simon Says Competition P i n e Grove 6 : 0 0 a . m . - 9 : 0 0 p . m .

Friday Oct. 28 Hope Faculty Dance-Off Knickerbocker Theater 8:30 p.m. - 1 0 : 0 0 p.m.

Saturday Oct. 2 9 Rave at the Bultmans! free g l o w sticks all night long

Tuesday Free Flu Shots

Nov. 1

Phi Sig Cottage, b a s e m e n t

I N BRIEF ELVIS A W A R D E D N O B E L PEACE PRIZE

Professor Pennings' family pet was recently awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for reconciling difference between Pakistan and Israel. The leaders of both states agreed that he was by far the cutest dog they "had ever seen.

They realized that, while they may disagree on trivial things like borders and government, they have similar opinions on the important things-- likethecuteness of Professor Penning's dog. They spent a week cuddling him and playing fetch and were able to work out their differences.

R O S E M A R Y A U D I T I O N S FOR AMERICAN IDOL

Everyone's favorite lunch lady recently traveled to Dallas. Texas to try out for one of America's most popular TV shows. Unfortunately, Jennifer Lopez informed her that she w a s n ' t exactly "performer material." Luckily for Hope students, Rosemary will not go on to Hollywood and will still be around to swipe ID's at Phelps.

Better luck next time. Rosemary.

ANT FARM SCARE

O K E men called campus safety late Friday night after one m e m b e r ' s ants escaped from their farm. Exterminators were called to the scene to remove insects, but the boys insisted on staying in a hotel the remainder of the week. "They just didn't want to risk entering the house until they were sure there w a s n ' t any more danger," a source said. Thankfully, the exterminators were able to locate each of the 47 pests and the Praters returned to their residence Monday afternoon.

Esteemed Hope College professor S t e p h e n H e m e n w a y has been arrested on 12 c o u n t s of m a n s l a u g h t e r after evidence was uncovered by groundbreaking investigative reporting by a Ranchor journalist. The following is t h e r e p o r t e r s first h a n d a c c o u n t of t h e investigation, t h e n a m e of said r e p o r t e r m u s t be w i t h h e l d for legal reasons.

It all started as a n o r m a l walk f r o m my a p a r t m e n t to The A n c h o r office. I w a s walking briskly t h r o u g h t h e large parking lot just to t h e East of c a m p u s . As I m a r c h e d past t h e large green metal d u m p s t e r s that occupy t h e c o r n e r of t h e lot, I barely noticed Professor H e m e n w a y . But I did see him, and h e w a s straining to hoist a l u m p y black plastic garbage bag into t h e d u m p s t e r .

I kept walking for a few seconds, while my mind processed what I had seen. It was t h e m i d d l e of t h e day, and there w a s n o o n e besides myself and Professor H e m e n w a y a r o u n d ; it was a strange situation. W h y did h e need t o use t h e d u m p s t e r , didn't he have a g a r b a g e can at home?

But 1 s t o p p e d , t u r n e d a r o u n d , and walked back t o w a r d s the professor. Looking up and

senses. I n e e d e d to r e p o r t this to s o m e o n e , but what if Professor H e m e n w a y k n e w what I was up to, what if h e c a m e for m e next?

There was no telling what h e was capable of.

And something terrible flashed into m y m i n d . H o p e alum Michael Debowski, had m e n t i o n e d to m e t h a t he would be r e t u r n i n g t o c a m p u s , and w h e n he arrived, was p l a n n i n g o n m e e t i n g with Hemenway, his f o r m e r professor. It w a s 5 p.m., Mike said that he would be arriving at 4:30.

I sprinted to Lubbers, and up t h e m a r b l e stairs. But I w a s t o o late. I saw a bloody Pirates baseball c a p a n d just b e h i n d it w a s Dr. H e m e n w a y holding a bottle of bleach, cleaning up t h e c r i m e scene.

"I figured that you m i g h t b e here," h e m u t t e r e d . "You know, Emily Dickinson w r o t e that, 'A little m a d n e s s in t h e Spring/Is w h o l e s o m e even for t h e King.'"

"Well It's almost Halloween, it's n o t really Spri-" "You know, G e o r g e Bernard Shaw said that 'Life d o e s n o t cease to be f u n n y w h e n people die any m o r e than it ceases t o be serious w h e n p e o p l e laugh,'" he said, c u t t i n g m e off while laughing manically.

seeing me, he p a u s e d and t h e n m o t i o n e d for me to c o m e t o w a r d s him. "Could you help m e with this?" He asked.

I lifted up t h e very heavy plastic bag, a n d quickly s w u n g it above my head, into t h e d u m p s t e r . He t h a n k e d m e and I walked away. But as I walked, I w o n d e r e d a b o u t w h a t might have b e e n in t h a t bag.

Professor H e m e n w a y s e e m e d very n e r v o u s , and the bag w a s bizarrely heavy. W h y wouldn't he w a n t to use t h e g a r b a g e can at his o w n house? Was h e trying to h i d e s o m e t h i n g ?

I looked back over m y s h o u l d e r and saw Professor H e m e n w a y driving away, after m a k i n g s u r e t h e coast w a s clear, 1 jogged over t o t h e d u m p s t e r , j u m p e d up, and pulled myself u p and into t h e sea of trash. I couldn't believe w h a t I saw.

U p o n being t h r o w n into t h e dumpster, the overstretched g a r b a g e b a g m u s t have split open, and sticking out of t h e r i p p e d plastic, w a s a pale h u m a n hand.

I lost my m i n d , and sprinted away. The next day, after 1 had recovered f r o m d r o w n i n g m y h o r r o r in s t r a w b e r r y daiquiris at t h e local h a r d - k n o c k b a r / pizza place, I c a m e to my

What's in your food?

• Phelps, f r o m page 1 Their search led t h e m not only t o t h e answer of what our food is m a d e o u t of, but also l e d to t h e e x p o s u r e of a highly o r g a n i z e d c r i m e s c h e m e . As it t u r n s out, what H o p e s t u d e n t s have actually b e e n eating in Phelps dining hall is g r o u n d u p bodies.

T h e t o w n of Holland w a s t h e p e r f e c t place for a plan of massm u r d e r i n g to take place. Being t h e s e c o n d happiest t o w n in t h e c o u n t r y , n o o n e would ever suspect such centralized c r i m e .

The only p r o b l e m in t h e plan was t h e disposal of bodies; t h e m a s t e r m i n d s b e h i n d t h e plan, w h o wish to r e m a i n u n n a m e d , f o u n d t h a t t h e Black River— w h i c h was their first choice for t h e d u m p i n g of bodies— was already full.

It w a s t h e n b r o u g h t to their attention that t h e r e was a college c a m p u s in the m i d d l e of Holland, w h e r e t h o u s a n d s of s t u d e n t s eat meals at a dining hall every day.

This was t h e p e r f e c t o p p o r t u n i t y for t h e disposal of very large n u m b e r s of people. O n c e t u r n e d into food and served to H o p e s t u d e n t s , the b o d i e s would be completely untraceable.

The s t u d e n t s of H o p e , w h e n told t h e n e w s , were astonishingly unsurprised.

"We never e x p e c t e d to get g o o d food in Phelps," said H o p e s t u d e n t S o l o m o n G r e e n ('14).

"In fact, I'm a bit relieved to hear it—1 e x p e c t e d s o m e t h i n g even worse."

SUNDAY - FRIDAY 9 PM - CLOSE $1 $2 $3 $3

OFF A l l Tall D r a f t s Select Shots P r e m i u m D r i n k Specials Select A p p e t i z e r s : *

Cri

Co.- C

D- - ; •

: r

5..: C

,

*

R :

*6X5$FECI GO•

•

V

RZ R

BUFFALO WIID WIN6I CR1UABAR YCMCS KCB s r i i r r s

:>RR• I

~ ^"

•

2$99

W I S T S H O « E DR

HOLLAND

"Do you collect creepy quotes?" I asked, s t u m b l i n g up t h e stairs in Lubbers, as Professor H e m e n w a y a d v a n c e d menacingly.

"You know. Steward Alsop w r o t e that, 'A dying m a n n e e d s to die, as a sleepy m a n n e e d s to sleep, and there c o m e s a t i m e w h e n it is w r o n g , as well as useless to resist.'"

"Well you s e e m to be very well read, but you'll never get away with this. S o m e o n e will notice t h a t I'm n o t writing for The A n c h o r anymore... maybe."

Suddenly, a figured appeared, stepping o u t of t h e shadows.

"He's right Stephen, you won't get away with this," President Bultman said while raising an antique .41 caliber D e r r i n g e r pistol. " C a m p u s Safety are o n their way right n o w to take you in. You've killed for t h e last t i m e o n m y campus."

"Curse you Bultman!" s c r e a m e d Hemenway.

After searching his h o u s e a n d t h e t o p floor of Lubbers, C a m p u s Safety f o u n d m o r e t h a n e n o u g h evidence to arrest t h e f o r m e r English professor o n m a n s l a u g h t e r charges.

A'Vinux) Gaddafi alive, sighted on "Hope's" campus

OCTOBER 2 6 , 2011

44

THE RANCHOR

Megan Stevens GUEST WRITER

•

To the surprise of t h e nation, military intelligence o n t h e w h e r e a b o u t s of f o r m e r Libyan autocrat M u a m m a r Gaddafi app e a r s t o have b e e n proven incorrect. Gaddafi, long s u s p e c t e d to have b e e n hiding in "Zimbabwe," was s p o t t e d last week o n t h e roof of " H o p e " College's o w n "Nykerk M u s i c Hall," eating raw squirrel a n d m u m b l i n g unintelligibly.

"At first I t h o u g h t it w a s a D u r f e e boy," says t h e s t u d e n t responsible for t h e initial sighting, which took place late last T h u r s day evening. "It w a s m i d t e r m week, and w e all k n o w h o w crazy they get d u r i n g October. But t h e n ' I saw h e w a s wearing a dress a n d eating a c u t e little squirrel." The squirrel, w h o s e r e m a i n s w e r e not recovered, m a d e n o c o m m e n t .

The s t u d e n t , w h o asked t h a t her n a m e b e withheld for privacy, s o u n d e d t h e alarm, a n d within m i n u t e s of h e r discovery s t u d e n t s and faculty alike assembled themselves on t h e

P H O T O COURTESY OF NEVILLE L O N G B O T T O M

SO CUTE YOU MIGHT P U K E sidewalk s u r r o u n d i n g "Nykerk," h o p i n g to catch a glimpse of t h e r u n a w a y Gaddafi, w h o was apparently dressed in a traditional cloak. M a n y s t u d e n t s began to climb into t h e s u r r o u n d i n g trees with their c a m e r a p h o n e s and began a t t e m p t i n g to record this historic event o n film in spite of t h e ever-increasing darkness.

Squirrel, pre-Gaddafl.

"I wish he'd hold still," o n e j u n i o r told us. "I've got a b o u t fifty pictures and every o n e of t h e m is b l u r r y or has p e o p l e in t h e way of the c a m e r a . But look, you can kind of see his face in this one." Further examination of t h e picture s h o w e d t h r e e elbows, an a r m p i t , and w h a t a p p e a r s to be t h e cor-

ner of a second c a m e r a p h o n e , n o n e of which h a s been c o n firmed as belonging to Gaddafi.

In celebration of this m o m e n t o u s occasion, t h e likes of which has never been seen o n t h e c a m p u s of any college in the h i s t o r y of A m e r i c a , an i m p r o m p t u victory mixer f o r m e d in t h e "Bowl."

The party c o n t i n u e d well into t h e night, until police w e r e called in to break up a spontan e o u s N E R F war. W h i l e n o arrests w e r e m a d e , a s p o k e s p e r s o n for t h e Holland D e p a r t m e n t of Public Safety m a d e it clear t h a t they held a strict policy.

"There are no militants anyw h e r e o n c a m p u s , nor is G a d dafi within t h e vicinity of Holland. In fact, t h e N T C has... a n n o u n c e d Gaddafi's death," h e told t h e press. "Video and furt h e r u p d a t e s are available o n line at The Guardian's website. ...I repeat, G a d d a f i is dead and n o t o n t h e H o p e College C a m pus." This s t a t e m e n t caused an uproar among students and faculty, w h o met near t h e flag-

3

pole to protest t h e HDPS's denial. "The r e p o r t of [Gaddafi's] d e a t h is greatly exaggerated," q u i p p e d o n e English professor.

Still convinced of his presence, the s t u d e n t b o d y h a s expressed an interest in climbing to "Nykerk's" roof with intent to c a p t u r e Gaddafi, t h o u g h what would be d o n e with h i m in that event r e m a i n s unclear. "We'd take h i m and p a r a d e h i m t h r o u g h the streets, I guess," r e s p o n d e d o n e s t u d e n t via Facebook, w h e r e m a n y of the so-called "Nykerk of the Living Gaddafi" pictures r e m a i n posted. "We'd pose for s o m e pictures with o u r nerf [sic] g u n s . T h e n I guess we'd t u r n h i m in. We'll probably make, like, a million dollars."

As of yet, n o a t t e m p t has b e e n m a d e to recover Gaddafi. W h e n asked his views on t h e c u r r e n t situation, H o p e College President James Bultman r e s p o n d e d , " W e don't d o windows," t h e n d o n n e d a military jacket and black headb a n d and ran f r o m t h e r o o m .

New iPhone's sweet, savvy voice to spearhead robot uprising, anarchy John Connor ROBOT SLAYER FROM THE FUTURE

The n e w iPhone with its new technology is n o t h i n g b u t evil. You may not realize it yet, b u t "Siri," a p r o g r a m t h a t talks back to you, is t h e next step in t h e r o b o t uprising that seeks to take over t h e world.

"Your wish is its c o m m a n d " is t h e m o t t o for Siri, o n e of the m o s t anticipated IOS softw a r e for the iPhone. But h o w sure are we that things will not b e t u r n e d upside d o w n , its wish b e c o m i n g o u r c o m m a n d ?

As we've seen, t h e t e c h n o l o g y of this world is g r o w i n g rapidly and in ways we can never a n ticipate. It w o n ' t be long b e f o r e technology and m a c h i n e s start a rebellion against t h e i r creators a n d take over t h e world.

This n e w s o f t w a r e is just paving t h e way for the f u t u r e mutiny.

W i t h a sweet, savvy voice, it might be doing w h a t you're telling it right now. But s o o n e n o u g h it's going t o t u r n against you and b e f o r e you k n o w it, this n e w technology will destroy our m e a n s of c o m m u n i c a t i o n .

"So what?" you may ask.

I m a g i n e being u n a b l e to call y o u r f r i e n d s or family or even the c o p s w h e n you n e e d t h e m .

It's going to lead to anarchy, and that's w h a t Siri w a n t s .

W h e n all o r d e r h a s been lost and you're whining a b o u t h o w your n e w i P h o n e doesn't obey you anymore, you will realize that it isn't just your c o m m u nication but also your lifestyle that has been c o m p r o m i s e d .

Almost all of us find Apple p r o d u c t s to be highly fascinating w o r k s of genius, and this is t h e very reason we should fear all of t h e m . Steve Jobs k n e w t h a t s o m e t h i n g with such superior

P H O T O C O U R T E S Y OF THIS IDIOT'S FRIENDS

INNOCENT FUN?—

While t h i s s c i e n t i f i c e x p e r i m e n t appears t o be e n t i r e l y In t h e e x p e r i m e n t e r ' s hands, t h e Image Is n o t h i n g m o r e t h a n Illusion. He d o e s n ' t have It under c o n t r o l . artificial intelligence would only lead to trouble. N o w t h a t he's gone, h u m a n s have lost their p r u d e n c e and just w a n t t o junip into w h a t s e e m s convenient.

In reality that's t h e w o r s t mistake we could make. Bef o r e you k n o w it, blinded by easy m e t h o d s to m a p your life, you will n o t even realize t h a t

Siri is n o t doing w h a t it's supposed to but w h a t it w a n t s to.

Everyone's heard of t h e movie "The Terminator," and that's exactly what our world will be like in a s h o r t span of time. M a c h i n e s and technology will o v e r t h r o w t h e h u m a n race and n o n e will rem a i n w h o can actually fight back.

If you only realize right n o w that a t e c h n o l o g y t h a t talks back to you and gives you advice on what to do is s u p e r creepy, t h e n this situation is avoidable.

But looking at t h e sales of t h e n e w iPhone, t h e f u t u r e s e e m s lost already. All we can d o is h o p e for a dysfunctional r o b o t sent back t h r o u g h t i m e (just like A r n o l d Schwarzenegger in "The T e r m i n a t o r " ) to c o m e to t h e rescue and s t o p this mass robotic m o v e m e n t .

We ourselves are the catalyst for this m o v e m e n t a n d we are just t o o snobbish to realize it.

Media corruption: Zuckerberg declares no news source is safe Television gives us u n b a l a n c e d n e w s and neglects t o FAMOUS ACTRESS r e p o r t absolutely everything There w a s a scandal in that is h a p p e n i n g in the world. the m e d i a world today w h e n The BBC is particularly to Facebook founder Mark b l a m e for their m i s p r o n u n c i Zuckerberg a n n o u n c e d t h a t ation of basic English words, all media, f r o m television as well as for their p r o p a g a t o t h e Internet, is c o r r u p t . tion of t h e i m p r o p e r spellH e allegedly r e p o r t s t h a t ing of all w o r d s employing big media syndicates are o u t t h e letter "o" such as "color" to m a n i p u l a t e t h e p o p u l a t i o n Their "ou" campaign ("cot h r o u g h t h e p o p u l a r press. lour") is n o t h i n g s h o r t of an Everything h a s b e e n t o u c h e d a t t e m p t at w o r l d d o m i n a t i o n . by their corrosive influence.

C a r e f u l analysis by exMusic h a s b e e n revealed p e r t s has d e m o n s t r a t e d that to m a n i p u l a t e our o p i n i o n s advertisers are blatantly lying and h a n d us our prejudices to us, like s o m e o n e straight and biases. For instance, JusP H O T O COURTESY OF G O O G L E off t h e set of " M a d Men." tin Bieber's c o n t i n u e d exis- RELIABLE— Jimmy Wales and his Movies have also b e e n tence as a musician is clearly m i l l i o n s of I n t e r n e t friends w i t h o u t s h o w n t o mislead every gent h e w o r k of an o v e r - f u n d e d , Ph.D.s are clearly e x p e r t s In t h e i r e r a t i o n of our population, under-educated conspiracy fields. resulting in a massive c r o p plot t o convince 5-year olds of 2 0 - s o m e t h i n g females middle aged h o u s e w i v e s have to b u y socks and lunchboxes. w h o think if they have t h e right reportedly fallen u n d e r t h e Chillingly, 40-year-old, sway of this delusion as well. clothes a n d lie t o their p a r e n t s

Rachel Weisz

their prince will find t h e m .

Television shows are equally to b l a m e for misguiding o u r y o u t h . M o r e t h a n 87% of "Fut u r a m a " watchers actually believe that Santa is an evil r o b o t o u t t o kill e v e r y o n e o n Christmas. ( W r o n g kids, Santa d o e s n o t advocate killing.) Retirees are n o t safe either - over half of all "Jeopardy" "correct" answers are actually false.

The I n t e r n e t has s p a w n e d a w h o l e n e w way of m a n i p u lating t h e world's p o p u l a t i o n .

It allows space for an infinite a m o u n t of i n f o r m a t i o n , m e a n ing that users can find a source that s u p p o r t s t h e m in any assertion, n o m a t t e r h o w false.

Additionally, a r u m o r spread by w o r d of m o u t h , mainly t h e m o u t h s of c o r r u p t e d p r o fessors, has hopelessly c o n fused the truth about Google Scholar versus Wikipedia.

The closed, peer-review system in place to screen articles that will a p p e a r t h r o u g h Google Scholar d o e s not allow for adequate i n p u t in t h e evaluation process, m e a n i n g that Wikipedia's free and o p e n p o s t i n g policy allows for greater accuracy. Statistics r e p o r t that fully 98% of all statistics f o u n d o n t h e Internet have actually been m a d e u p o n t h e ^pot.

N e w s p a p e r s are reportedly t h e w o r s t offenders. According to our sources, their writers shamelessly m a k e u p facts, neglect to check their sources, assuming they have any, a n d have been k n o w n to r e c o r d interviews t h a t they hallucinated while o n a week-long strike against sleep. They have even occasionally attributed their shoddy work to f a m o u s actresses.

N o news source is safe.

4

T I IF RANCHOR

"ARTS

99

OCTOBER 2 6 , 2011

ATTENTION! Aliens in disguise have been dropping by the surrounding area. Halloween is a prime time for aliens to pick up new host bodies.

Most often they come dressed as girls in skimpy Halloween outfits. Men, prepare yourself against their charms!

And as always, remember to double tap.

Mat Kearney: talented musician and devil dealer?

Ren Stevens FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FREE

B o r n and raised in Eugene, O r e g o n , M a t Kearney's high school years w e r e s p e n t painting, playing soccer and writing poetry. He picked up a guitar for t h e first t i m e in college. First covering o t h e r songs, Kearney realized h e wasn't very g o o d at it.

Kearney was m o r e interested in partying and trying to fit in at his school (he r e q u e s t e d his college's n a m e n o t to b e m e n t i o n e d in this article so I obliged - but you can look it u p o n G o o g l e in u n d e r two seconds).

A f t e r d e v o t i n g m o r e t i m e to his guitar playing and focusing on his m a d rap skills, he started to p e r f o r m in coffee s h o p s a n d e a r n e d a few bucks. A s fate would have it, Kearney met Robert M a r v i n , s o o n - t o - b e p r o d u c er, and t h e two of t h e m m o v e d t o Nashville, Tennessee. " W h e n w e pulled into N a s h ville, we slept in a school p a r k i n g lot for t h r e e days until we finally r e n t e d this a p a r t m e n t w h e r e the roof w a s caving in and mice were crawling all over," Kearney said.

After recording a few d e m o s with M a r v i n , Kearney realized h e w a n t e d to stay in Nashville and try to m a k e it in t h e m u s i c world.

But h o w did he reach his c u r r e n t level of fame? His b a n d m e m b e r s , his closest friends, insist his rise to f a m e is d u e to h a r d work a n d a naturally p o w e r f u l singing voice.

"Mat h a s always had a soulful voice. Girls have been s w o o n i n g over h i m since h e was in college singing his h e a r t out at coffee shops," leremy Lutito, Kearney's d r u m m e r , said.

But Daniel James, Kearney's keyboardist, let s o m e t h i n g slip d u r i n g his interview. " T h a n k s to Meiko, Mat's level of f a m e really skyrocketed," James said.

Upon further questioning, Kearney's band m a t e declined to clarify his previous s t a t e m e n t .

Meiko, an A m e r i c a n singer, o p e n e d for Kearney back in 2007 w h e n he m a d e his first a p p e a r ance at " H o p e College." Since then, she has fallen off t h e m a p .

Her music c a r e e r s e e m s t o have hit a r o a d b l o c k after her " H o p e " d e b u t o n O c t . 8, 2007.

After pouring over classified d o c u m e n t s for weeks, my l a b o r i o u s research produced a startling result.

According to a file m a r k e d T O P SECRET-STAY OUT, a T M Z interview with M a r v i n reveals t h e secret to Kearney's success.

After a hard night of partying with Kearney and t h e band, a highly intoxicated M a r v i n told a T M X r e p o r t er o n t h e streets of "Holland" that P H O T O BY A N O N Y M O U S C E L L P H O N E U S E R Kearney offered a SIGNING AWAY HIS SOUL— Kearney c a u g h t m a k i n g t h e deal a f t e r his sacrifice to Satan in p e r f o r m a n c e at Hope In 2 0 0 7 . e x c h a n g e for f a m e in e x c h a n g e for an everlasting backmasking. and f o r t u n e . deal with Aware R e c o r d s (dated As a result of this r e c e n t dis"Oh, you know. M a t has covery, Kearney has been b a n n e d 10/8/07)." r e a c h e d s t a r d o m like every o t h Fans w h o argue t h a t Kearney f r o m r e t u r n i n g to "Hope's" c a m er p o p star. He m a d e a deal with d o e s not sing a b o u t violence, repus. t h e devil," M a r v i n said.

Kearney's rep declined t o volt, d r u g s , t h e Antichrist or sex Underneath the impromptu c o m m e n t o n t h e story. have clearly never listened t o his interview with M a r v i n , I f o u n d r e c o r d s b a c k w a r d s . These Saa copy of a copy of the deal tanic messages are clearly t r a n s w h i c h reads: "I, M a t Kearney, m i t t e d w h e n listened t h r o u g h agree t o sell t h e soul of Meiko,

The legend of 'DePree' uncovered at last Jack Rlpner PRIVATE EYE

Editor's note: This u n c o m pleted article was f o u n d t a p e d to a back d o o r of t h e " M a r t h a Miller Center." The a u t h o r r e m a i n s unknown.

In keeping with the Halloween spirit o n c a m p u s , gossip a m o n g s t s t u d e n t s h a s t u r n e d tot h e s u p e r n a t u r a l . If these r u m o r s a r e t o b e believed, there is, quite literally, a ghost in t h e gallery.

According to a Physical Plant secretary, flickering lights and creaking floorboards in t h e e m p t y halls of the "DePree Art C e n t e r " were r e p o r t e d early last week. S t u d e n t e m p l o y e e s sent in were unable to locate t h e cause of these p h e n o m e n a , and to be safe, t h e plant called electricians and building i n s p e c t o r s w h o also f o u n d n o t h i n g of any real interest. " W e sent in a total of t h r e e electricians and two building inspectors," said t h e secretary.

"Four of t h e five told us the A r t C e n t e r ' w a s in excellent shape for its age." The fifth professional, it seems, w a n d e r e d inadvertently into the c r o w d e d w o m e n ' s r e s t r o o m and hasn't been heard f r o m since.

Shortly after t h e initial ins p e c t i o n , t h e so-called p a r a -

n o r m a l activity escalatcd.

S t u d e n t s began to r e p o r t missing art supplies, d o o r s f o u n d curiously ajar l o n g after t h e building h a d b e e n locked up, and shutters o p e n i n g and closing on t h e p a i n t i n g studio skylights. " W e really a r e afraid for o u r lives," r e p o r t e d an art history major. "But I've got it w o r k e d out. The ghost is just hungry, see?

So if we w a n t t o survive we just have to sacrifice an English major. Simple, yet simple."

As of yet, " H o p e College" has m a d e n o a c t i o n against t h e "ghost," and to date n o declared English m a j o r s s e e m to be missing.

However, it s e e m s t h a t "DePree" has a history of intrigue b e h i n d it. Acc o r d i n g to t h e O c t o b e r 1991 issue of the Holland Sentinel, t h e gallery was t h e site of a grisly death. The Sentinel d o e s not delve deeply into detail, but s t u d e n t lore offers several interesting takes on t h e story.

M o s t a g r e e that t h e m u r d e r was of o n e Amelia Rose, a workstudy d o c e n t d u r i n g an intercollegiate art c o m p e t i t i o n o n

P H O T O LEAKED BY C A M P U S SECURTTY C A M E R / ^

"Hope's" c a m p u s .

The story goes t h a t Amelia was w o r k i n g a later shift in t h e all-but-empty building w h e n she suddenly heard an odd noise, described in m o s t versions of t h e story as being a cross b e t w e e n a cow and a tailgating party.

Amelia, apparently, t h o u g h t the s o u n d w a s a train until such t i m e

as t h e lights w e n t out and she found t h e gallery door t o be locked.

It had b e e n locked, the stories say, by a m a n i a c serial killaf w h o then proceeded skin alive an her skin wall. She f o u n d t h e r e in t h e stilWocke room, a by t h e c o m tition the next mor ing and, legend has it, b r o u g h t h o m e an H o n orable Mention.

This version J only an urS

ban legend, in n o way s u p p o r t e d by any local p a p e r s (indeed, the Sentinel implies t h a t t h e victim was an artist in t h e c o m p e t i t i o n , c r u s h e d to d e a t h by her o w n ill-balanced abstract sculpture), b u t m a n y m o r e superstitious s t u d e n t s point out that t h e m u r der took place exacdy ten years ago this m o n t h .

PS. If you don't cut out this article and r e s u b m i t it to ten m o r e n e w s p a p e r s in t h e next t h r e e hour$ you will heai^ln o d d noise and Amelia Rose wifl c o n i c a n d find y(fu' f and skin y o l ^ a n v e and h a n g you up o n t h e wall of "DePreeT, You imav n o t believe me, but—

THE RANCHOR

5

Former pageant king strives to be mediocre O ' C r a t t y had e n t e r e d t h e sixthgrade, he had cracked.

Lottie C a n y o n , a sixth-grade According to numerous teacher at Pella M i d d l e School, " C a m p u s Safety" r e p o r t s filed recalls O ' C r a t t y as a "spoiled over the past f e w weeks, flocks t r o u b l e - m a k e r with n o potential of paparazzi and lovestruck to succeed. He was t h e center of girls have taken t o t h e streets attention of "Holland." always being in a p i c t u r e - s n a p 5 things to know about Shawn O'Cratty c h a s e d by t h e pi ng frenzy. girls.

He never At the c e n t e r applied h i m 1. Hometown: Hero, Ind. ^ of this hysteria, self in class." junior Shawn While the O'Cratty has been 2. Major: Ceramics exact turnidentified. W h i l e ing point in multiple a t t e m p t s 3. Future Goals: Attend University of Colorado at O'Cratty's to interview t h e life c a n n o t be Boulder (known for its pottery) for his masters in illusive O ' C r a t t y pinpointed, have b e e n thwartM y a n ceramic history. s omewhere ed, f o r m e r friend, b e tween midJustin Moscowski, 4. Is allergic to Zyrtec dle school and h a s r e a c h e d o u t to the time he The Ranchor with entered col5. His winning talent for Mr. Four Year Old was an inside look at lege, O ' C r a tty this m a d n e s s . baton twirling. transformed Moscowski f r o m a striktakes us back to ingly beautiful y o u n g m a n into Iowa. "All w e w a n t e d to d o w a s 1995, w h e n life was good and an average-looking teenager. the Power - Rangers w e r e still provide our little Shawn with In t h e fall of a life t h a t we never had," said dope. It was August 19 w h e n t h e 2009, both Patches and Jazzerus O'Cratty. highly e s t e e m e d "Mr. Four Year O ' C r a t t y a nd "Everyone w a s always telling Old" c r o w n was placed a t o p t h e M o s c o w s ki us what a beatiful y o u n g m a n beautiful h e a d of four-year-old e n t e r e d their S h a w n e y w a s t u r n i n g into ... we Shawn O'Cratty. f r e s h m a n year at t h o u g h t we m i g h t as well profit The Mr. Four Year Old p a g e n t off of t h a t beauty. r e a c h e d its h e i g h t in t h e 90s, a n d " W e s t a r t e d off small, enterin t h e year of 1995, was nationing little S h a w n e y in t h e local ally ranked as t h e m o s t - w a t c h e d fair b e a u t y pageant. After he beauty p a g e a n t in A m e r i c a . took h o m e t h e first place trophy, Moscowski, w h o received t h e w e d e c i d e d t o e n t e r h i m in t h e title of Mr. Congeniality, said Mr. Four Year Old pageant. W e that he w a s able to m a i n t a i n a were c o n f i d e n t he would win," normal, healthy lifestyle postt h e O'Cratty's said. pageant. He attributes this After Shawn's big win, t h e healthy transition back into an O'Cratty's p a c k e d u p their b e average c h i l d h o o d experience to longings a n d relocated to Pella, a loving, s u p p o r t i v e family a n d a Iowa. According to Jazzerus, h u m b l e heart. t h e rest of Shawn's early childIf this transition was so easy h o o d was filled with JC Penfor kind-spirited Moscowski, ney television c o m m e r c i a l s a n d w h e r e did it go w r o n g for Shawn K m a r t m o d e l i n g gigs. U n f o r O'Cratty? H o w did o u r nation's tunately, all good things m u s t All A m e r i c a n Boy fail so miserc o m e t o a n d by t h e t i m e Shawn ably at b e c o m i n g a w h o l e s o m e Michelle Kwan

FEATURES EXTRAORDINAIRE

adult? A look at his life post-Mr. Four Year Old, might provide an answer t o this key question.

Two average hippies living in Hero, Ind, saw their son as a way o u t of their d r e a r y s m a l l - t o w n life and into t h e big leagues of

" H o p e College." O ' C r a t t y resided in "Wycoff" and Moscowski in "Phelps." But fate had its way with t h e m a n d t h e two reunited o n the first day of their u n d e r water basket-weaving course.

"I barely r e c o g n i z e d O ' C r a t t y w h e n h e walked o u t of t h e locker room," said Moscowski. "He w a s hideous."

A f t e r two years of w a t c h i n g O ' C r a t t y sit in his d o r m r o o m playing Age of E m p i r e s while eating Funyuns, M o s c o w s k i alerted celebrity blogger, Perez Hilton of O'Cratty's w h e r e a b o u t s . Despite his best efforts, Moscowski finally realized h e n e e d e d t o stage an i n t e r v e n t i o n of sorts. "I k n e w that in o r d e r for Shawn to bec o m e beautiful again, h e n e e d e d t o be r e m i n d e d of his roots. He n e e d e d t o be c o n f r o n t e d with t h e images of h i s past and s h o w n t h a t t h e r e is a b r i g h t h o p e for his future."

O'Cratty's r e n e w e d celebrity status r e a f i r m e d his desire to be average looking. As a charitable effort, O ' C r a t t y f o u n d e d t h e n o n p r o f i t organization "Beautiful M e n in [disguise]. T h r o u g h n o n - p l a s t i c surgical m e a n s , BMI t r a n s f o r m s beautiful p e o p l e into average people. Afterall, life is all about b e ing average.

A t a very early age, Patches and Jazzerus k n e w t h e i r son was d e s t i n e d for greatness.

Shortly a f t e r e n t e r i n g middle school, Shawn O'Cratty began his t r a n s f o r m a t i o n f r o m Pageant K i n g t o Average Joe.

> it*.

Paparazzi "Lubbers snapping torious

>-

ik

c a m p o u t s i d e of Hall" in hopes of a picture of t h e noShawn O'Cratty.

Mr. Four Year Old, an American tradition T h i s traditional a n d l o v e d p a g e a n t b e g a n n o t long after "America" w a s founded. T h o m a s Jeffers o n initiated the p a g e a n t to p r o m o t e n a t i o n a l i s m a m o n g c i t i z e n s o f our n e w l y e s t a b l i s h e d country.

Other well known BMI participants

O r i g i n a l p a g e a n t c o n t e s t a n t s w e r e j u d g e d on their b e s t n o n - B r i t i s h a c c e n t s and t e a - w a s t i n g skills.

Today, the p a g e a n t c e n t e r s on c o n t e s t a n t s ' v i s u a l appeal and u n i q u e t a l e n t - p e r f o r m a n c e ability.

S o m e j u d g m e n t c a t e g o r i e s for b e a u t y i n c l u d e " H a i r

iar i " \ >

T e x t u r e , " " S m i l e - D a z z l e , " and " W i n k i n g P o w e r . " In recent p a g e a n t s , c o n t e s t a n t s h a v e d i s p l a y e d a s t u n n i n g s p e c t r u m o f t a l e n t s to w o w the j u d g e s .

Past w i n n i n g t a l e n t s i n c l u d e s w o r d j u g g l i n g , s h a d ow puppetry, mind reading, and of course wild buffalo taming.

By Sunny Chips

17

A l a n Ruck, best k n o w n for playing Cameron on "Ferris Buel' l e r ' s Day O f f . " e n te r e d BMI after cracking under t h e pressure t o be b o t h beautiful and hilarious.

Âť i w

M u l a n e n t er e d i n t o B M I a f t e r d i s c o v e r i n g she c o u l d n ' t live up t o t h e high pressures of b e i n g a b e a u t i f u l Disney princess.

u 6

VOICES

TIN: RANCHOR

99

OCTOBER 2 6 , 2011

Squirrel talk

Apparition threatens tradition A u d Ear Conspireditor

'Bfi

1

was a crisp F a l l day in 19 56 at t h e "Pullb e t w e e n t h e f r e s h m e n and s o p h o m o r e s w h e n t h e rain p o u r e d d o w n and f l o o d e d t h e pits with water. H i e m e d i c s and judges w e r e c o n cerned, but t h e pullers begged to c o n t i n u e .

As t h e call sets r a n g out into t h e river a n d t h e w o o d s , t h e m u d s e e p e d into t h e pullers' pores. The hustle of b o t h sides trying to stop t h e r o p e f r o m falling victim t o the adverse w e a t h e r c o n d i t i o n s m a s k e d w h a t w a s really going o n .

Suddenly t h e O d d Year t e a m looked closer and realized t h e i r Pit #1 puller w a s missing!

The flood, n o t t h e o t h e r t e a m , h a d pulled h i m into t h e river. S o u r c e s are inclusive as t o w h a t h a p p e n e d p o s t - i n c i d e n t ; t h e only c o n c l u s i o n m a d e is that b o t h t e a m s decidedly swept t h e incident u n d e r t h e r u g to avoid t h e t e r m i n a tion of t h e tradition. His m o r a l e r didn't have

Harmony Smalles

any c o m m e n t o n t h e matter, t h o u g h I saw a tear in her eye w h e n q u e s t i o n e d a b o u t t h e tough subject.

Since t h a t fateful day, w e i r d e v e n t s have occ u r r e d in Black River a r o u n d Pull day every year. O d d Year m o r a l e r Paula N r o p e claimed to see an apparition lying o n t h e r o p e in the m i d d l e of t h e river. "Every t i m e t h e apparition heaved. O d d Year took m o r e r o p e than I'd ever seen t h e m take before...! a m convinced h e is t h e only reason we keep winning." it is unclear why Even Year h a s w o n with t h e u n k n o w n g h o s t puller o n O d d Year's side.

Even Year Pull C o a c h Ivan Appel had this to say o n t h e topic: "We've had secret seances at t h e pits, m o s t recently in 2009 and 2005. It s e e m s t h e apparition just w a n t s to pull, so in t h o s e years we invited h i m to pull with us n o t in river, but on our side. It worked, but h e h a s since t u r n e d against us." Sources say the apparition is partial to t h e m o h a w k hairstyle and black m a k e - u p and hey, can you b l a m e h i m ?

Alake no mistake, Aud has absolutely no bias towards either the Odd or Even Years.

^onspirolumnisl One of my friends at Yale University bragged on his Facebook status, "just got a new app. n o w I \ can understand squirrel-talk, (this is N O T a joke!)." With a f e w clicks of the mouse, I found an online article that discusses a new Smartphone app that translates Bushitayle, or squirrel language, to English.

Apparently, squirrels are putting on an elaborate act with their spastic acorn-hunting routine. They are not only intelligent, but they know ways to cheat the system and beat The Man. You're probably reading this article with a critical eye. thinking something along the lines of. "that app doesn't exist! None of my friends have it." Well, none of your friends at " H o p e "

r

have it.

That's right " H o p e " College, we are being censored from downloading the app that could give us insight to a whole new world. You wonder what, exactly, we are missing. Here are a few things that I heard through the "acorn vine" about some revolutionary Bushitayle conversations that happened in our very o w n "Pine Grove.'' Here are some tidbits that will revolutionize your life: T O P R E S E R V E THE I N T E L L E C T U A L S A F E T Y O F S T U D E N T S .

THE R E M A I N D E R OF THIS ARTICLE H A S BEEN C E N S O R E D D U E T O R I D I C U L O U S C O N T E N T THAT C O U L D D A M A G E I M P R E S S I O N ABLE IMAGINATIONS.

Let's all transfer T h i s s u m m e r m a r k e d a change at "Hope "College.

Ever since o n e of t h e

Sammy Sketch Conspirolumnist

worst tragedies in college history, w h e n a few trees in t h e Pine G r o v e fell over in a s t o r m , we have b e e n unable to find o u r roots. I hear s t u d e n t s asking m a n y q u e s t i o n s a n d a c o m m o n o n e lately has been " W h y a m I still at 'Hope'?"

There s e e m s to be a t r e n d of s t u d e n t s feeling disconn e c t e d with Hope's identity. M a y b e w e lack in identity h e r e at " H o p e " b e c a u s e there is n o t h i n g to latch o n t o .

Even o u r traditional events seem to be lackluster. I h e a r d there w e r e so few p e o p l e at t h e "Pull" t h a t each side could hear the o t h e r w h i s p e r i n g . That's really just

a r u m o r though b e c a u s e I don't actually k n o w a n y o n e w h o w e n t . I d o k n o w that t h e r e are less t h a n 20 girls d o ing "Nykerk Song" this year b e c a u s e I saw the c o a c h e s begging girls and boys alike in Phelps to join.

But those are j u s t s y m p t o m s . The real issue starts in Attractions. I f r e q u e n t l y h e a r s t u d e n t s say their l u n c h h o s t told t h e m they could b e a n y o n e or a n y t h i n g at "Hope." T h e y said e v e r y o n e was w e l c o m e o n c a m p u s regardless of b a c k g r o u n d or experience. W h e n stud e n t s arrived o n c a m p u s , they f o u n d o u t this wasn't exactly true. S t u d e n t s g r o u p e d in cliques a n d excluded each o t h e r or they felt e v e r y o n e w a s so different that it b e c a m e impossible to make a friend.

T h e n e w A t t r a c t i o n s website isn't helping either. The old website direly n e e d e d a facelift but at least p e o p l e could navigate it. N o w all I see w h e n I go t o t h e n e w site are large p i c t u r e s of s t u d e n t s I don't recognize and t h e w o r d s "Live It Learn it Love it" w h i c h only makes me want t o go to C o l d s t o n e for ice c r e a m . It doesn't tell m e

LETTERS T O THE "EDITOR" Dearest Editor, I am concerned that Moodle is an evil device meant to manipulate students and slow suck away our souls.

Sincerely, Moodleless Noodle Dear Editor, Hasn't anybody else noticed those weird people runningaround on brooms behind DeVos? Fairly certain they're part of some kind of freaky witch cult thing. Looks violent, someone should probably let Campus Safety know.

- A C o n c e r n e d Student

Dear Editor, I'm pretty sure that the event on the "racist, deplored poster" put up in Kollen last year was just a hoax to make Greek Life look bad. I don't think the rush event actually took place, and I have my ideas that the KKKfraternity does not actually exist.

Sincerely, Sue Spicious Dear Editor, I've come to believe that President Bultman is not actually retiring, but becoming the headmaster at Hogwarts. He has a fondness for dragons and Mrs.

1 ! ! ! A N C H O T L C a m e r o n Frye EDITOR-is-Cmtf Zoocy

Deschanel Twiggy

Priness Diana Eva A m u r r i

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF CAMPUS CO-EDITOR CAMPUS CO-EDIIOR PHOTO EDITOR

2 0 0 9

Joe H a r d y

Maya Galo Kim Kelly

Lindsay Weir

Mulan

WORLD Ntm

CO-EDITOR

WORLD NL\H CO-EDITOR ARTS CO-EDITOR

ARTS CO-EDITOR FEATURES EDITOR

anything a b o u t w h a t "Hope" is as an institution.

Are we a Christian school or not? If so, w h y are t h e r e d r u n k G e e k life m e m b e r s in class and why did my classes get canceled so we could talk a b o u t Islam? If not, w h y d o I feel like I'm ostracized for not going t o chapel or praying b e f o r e I eat in Cook?

W h a t I really w a n t to d o is have a discussion a b o u t s o m e of these issues. Apparently "Hope" is N o t Ready to talk a b o u t anything of significance. W e can dress up a pig and put lipstick o n it, b u t it's still a pig. Plant m o r e trees if you w a n t , b u t t h e r e are bigger issues and n o t eve r y o n e is willing to stick o u t t h e fight. O n e reasonable solution is to just transfer and go s o m e p l a c e w h e r e t h e school's identity is r o o t e d and a n c h o r e d in s o m e t h i n g w o r t h believing in.

Sammy doesn't like trees. It would be better if shrubs were on our campus instead of tall oaks and pines. Less trees equals less squirrels.

VOICES OF "HOPE"

Bultman has a charming chicken patronus.

Please look into this.

Are there any Hogwarts visitation days coming up?

Sincerely, Luna Lovegood Dear Editor, Rumors have been released about "Hope" College's top crosscountry runner Nate Love. Love, a senior and co-captain on the team, was born in Michigan, but sources are saying his father took a job in Ethiopia when Love was two years old. Love and his family spent ten years in Ethiopia, where Nate was required to run

to school each day and where he participated in running clubs with several of Ethiopia's rising running stars. These breaking rumors, if proven true, could be why Love has garnered mass amounts of success in both cross-country and track at Hope. Love has not yet commented on the subject.

Sincerely, Loveless Fan

REFER TO PAGE 7 FOR MORE "LETTERS"

SPRING SEMESTER STAFF

Amy Poehler Jesse Eisenberg Kristen D u n s t Karen Fillipelli MajorWinters

SENIOR SPORTS EDITOR ASST. SPORTS EDITOR VOICES EDITOR

WEBMASTER BUSINESS MANAGER

Kelly K a p o o r Angela Martin

ADS MANAGER COPY EDITOR

Erin H a n n o n H o l l y Flax

Luna L o v e g o o d

COPY EDITOR

Jim H a l p e r t

Pam Hal p e r t

COPY EDITOR

Andy B e r n a r d

Jan L e v e n s o n

C O D EDITOR

STAFF ADVISER SENIOR

SjAffWuTER

STAFF WRITER DISTRIBUTION MGR.

VOICES

OCTOBER 2 6 , 2 0 1 1

Lurk-Chapel

THE RANCHOR

Mysterious masquerade

Dr. Z o o e s Conspirhaplain O n a dark, dark night, D u r i n g t h e s e a s o n of t h e apple,

I a m currently in a c o m m u n i c a t i o n s class and w e are

n c mg on the w i d e

stumbled u p o n caught m y e y e and I hoped to share it

floor.

A live band p e r f o r m e d waltzes and t a n g o s f r o m t h e stage, and an a b u n d a n c e of flickering candles provided

with t h e current student body.

T h e article detailed the most epic prank that students h a v e pulled o f f at " H o p e " College. O n O c t o b e r 31st,

1 wandered on home Past the Lurk-Chapel.

1937 (ten y e a r s after D i m n e n t w a s c o m p l e t e d ) stealthily-clad conspirators s n u c k into t h e chapel at nightfall.

M a n y do not know, The h o r r o r s I have seen, W a l k i n g by t h e L u r k - C h a p e l

T h e y s h o v e d the p e w s against the p e r i m e t e r of the chapel, creating an e x p a n s i v e , o p e n floor space.

At midnight, students b e g a n m a k i n g their w a y to the c h a p e l because they had all been mysteriously invited.

W h e n t h e g r a s s is n o t g r e e n .

M o s t of t h e Z o o d e n t s a d o r e

T h e m a s t e r m i n d s b e h i n d the event had planned an

This L u r k - C h a p e l t h e y see.

Most Z o o d e n t s agree

elaborate but secretive H a l l o w e e n M a s q u e r a d e Ball. Stud e n t s c a m e in c o s t u m e and participated in 1 i vely ba llroom

It's a place t o b e f r e e .

Pierre Midnight CoConspirhaplain

d o i n g a project that entails s e a r c h i n g t h r o u g h the n e w s paper archives. M y p r o f e s s o r g a v e u s a c c e s s to s o m e of the oldest versions of T h e Anchor, and an article I

o

p

e

7

n

the only lighting.

S o u n d s like a fairytale, d o e s it not? I had trouble believing it m y s e l f , but the student w h o w r o t e the report firmly attested its truth. B y 3 a m . the d a n c i n g c a m e to a close a n d all the party-goers assisted in reestablishing D i m n e n t ' s traditional layout. T h e candles w e r e s n u f f e d a n d guests traipsed h o m e in small groups.

A chaplain f o u n d a forgotten m a s k d u r i n g the following service, but that was the only e v i d e n c e e v e r d i s c o v e r e d about t h e secret m a s q u e r a d e ball.

A n d I'll tell y o u , I'll tell y o u h o w t h i s c a m e to b e .

LETTERS T O THE "EDITOR"

T h e L u r k - C h a p e l is a fine, d a n d y p l a c e .

It h a s l o t s of grace, l o t s of t a s t e , l o t s of s p a c e .

CONTINUED

E v e r y o n e m a k e s t o its w a y in a h a s t e .

Its tall castle t o w e r s r e a c h u p t o t h e sky Its r a i n b o w w i n d o w s r u n a m i l e h i g h N o o n e w o u l d e v e r w a n t t o say g o o d b y e So why, d o y o u a s k , w h y in h e a v e n s w o u l d I? But I'll tell y o u .

This L u r k - C h a p e l is t h e h o u s e of a killer!

It's a g h o s t ! It's a h a u n t i n g !

It's a fang! It's a chiller!

W a l k i n g p a s t t h i s p l a c e is like a H i t c h c o c k thriller!

In t h e day.

T h e L u r k - C h a p e l is a s b r i g h t a s t h e s u n .

A s h a p p y a s daisies, a s g o o d a s T h e O n e .

All Z o o d e n t s k n o w t h i s is a place to h a v e f u n .

B u t at n i g h t , t h e f u n h a s j u s t b e g u n .

T h e t o w e r s t u r n p o i n t y , like a castle o r a cave.

T h e w i n d o w s g r o w black like s h a d o w s in a grave.

'

T h e w a l l s s t a r t d r i p p i n g d a r k rain in a wave.

Black c r e a t u r e s l u r k a r o u n d its c r e e p i s h sight.

S c u r r y i n g t o eat a n y flesh t h e y c a n b i t e R u n n i n g in m a d n e s s , r u n n i n g in fright!

T h e r e ' s n o o n e a r o u n d , b u t y o u c a n feel eyes s t a r i n g F r o m t h e m u r k y w i n d o w s , t h e s e eyes t h a t a r e g l a r i n g S c a n t h e t o p of y o u r h e a d t o t h e s h o e s y o u a r e w e a r i n g .

Rustles f r o m the trees echo the wind.

L e a v i n g a n e e r i e f e e l i n g of sin C a u s i n g b u g s to c r e e p b e n e a t h y o u r skin.

H o w horrid! H o w terrifying! H o w wicked! H o w grim!

T h i s o n c e - f r i e n d l y place w h e r e I always r e t u r n .

G r o w s evil at n i g h t w i t h a fear t h a t will b u r n A h o l e in y o u r s t o m a c h , o r y o u r b o d y to an u r n .

Do not forget these grave things that you learn.

R e m e m b e r , g r e a t Z o o d e n t s , t h a t t h i s is t h e place,

cream cone. They won't even Dear Editor, blink. Mo regard for the sancI know it's true, I have proof.

"Hope" College leveled the tity of life. We don't stand a chance. skate park to cover up their -Stefanie Bripp removal of the skateboarding kid who punched a "Hope" student. I think they took his Dear Editor, The cell phone company has friends too. They destroyed the park overnight for a rea- put magnets in all of the son. If you don't believe me, kids' heads these days. They also put magnets in the cordthey've tricked you. His name less phones. All of these kids was Steve, I saw a Campus heads are just being pulled "Safety" van pull up, tackle the kid, and throw him in down to their phones. All this texting, and they can't the van. Campus Safety, psh, help it; they can't even break more like the Masons. Read my blog, there is proof of the eye contact to look up when they cross the street. I hit a Masons running the country. kid with my car the other It's on our money! For proof of the murder, talk to me. I day. They've already got the live on one of the benches in magnets in their head, it's Centennial Park, if you're in not like I can hurt them any a Campus Safety shirt, I'll more. They can barely help shootfirst and loot your body themselves. Not to mention the ones with the pants down later.

They -Biff past their waistlines. can barely walk. The Illuminati are making it impossiDear Editor, ble for children these days to I swear to you, the other day, move around. Pretty soon we I saw a squirrel. And it just will all just be sitting down stabbed another squirrel. so the thought police don't Killed it dead. Right in front bother us. They can already of me. It's not funny, I think they're going all militant or control some of you with the something. They are going to internet.

-Ebeneezer Twain start attacking "Hope" stu-

T h e place t h a t will leave a s m u g l o o k o n y o u r face

Dear Editor, / just think that all of this Harry Potter demon magic nonsense on campus is too much. I thought I sent my child to a Christian college.

They're so high on the demon smoke that they believe they are flying on broomsticks. I saw them, they were drawing pentagrams I think. I know for a fact that J.K. Rowling's godfather is Aleister Crowley who was on the cover of a Beatles album. It's also proof that Rock and Roll is made to worship darkness.

-A Concerned Hope Parent Dear Editor, I've been looking for a venue to express my concern on this subject for quite some time, and I feel that this is the most appropriate place to do so.

I think the trees in the Pine Grove are bugged. Not in a "Hope is always watching' sense, but in a literal sense-I think the administration puts bugs on the trees to force us inside to study so we actually get work done. This must be stopped!

Sincerely, Pine Grove Lover

dents next, they don't care.

They'll attack you for your ice

A n d tell y o u lies in t h e s u n , p l e a d i n g its case.

But d o n o t b e d e c e i v e d — n o .

D o not follow your friend!

W h e n a s k e d a f t e r class if y o u ' r e g o i n g to a t t e n d !

Are you interested in writing?

Well too bad.

For y o u k n o w b e t t e r — y e s .

You k n o w t h e t r u t h in t h i s s h a p p l e !

We have too many writers to ever consider you.

That on a dark, dark night.

D u r i n g t h e s e a s o n of t h e apple, T o b e w a r e t h e evils t h a t lie i n s i d e t h e L u r k - C h a p e l .

Our M i s s i o n : The Anchor

Try Opus.

strives t o c o m m u n i c a t e c a m p u s e v e n t s t h r o u g h o u t

serves. the

H o p e College and t h e Holland c o m m u n i t y . We hope to amplify awareness and

tacks

p r o m o t e d i a l o g u e through fair, objective j o u r n a l i s m and a v i b r a n t Voices sec-

ple

tion.

D i s c l a i m e r : The Anchor

is a p r o d u c t of s t u d e n t e f f o r t a n d is f u n d e d t h r o u g h

right

or will

other be

to

edit

due

editorial

taken.

No

to

space

considerations.

anonymous

letters

constraints, A will

personal

representative be

printed

atsam-

unless

a n d t y p o g r a p h i c a l e r r o r s . However, if s u c h m i s t a k e s occur, t h i s n e w s p a p e r may c a n c e l its c h a r g e s for t h e p o r t i o n o f t h e a d if. in t h e p u b l i s h e r ' s reasona b l e j u d g m e n t , t h e a d h a s b e e n r e n d e r e d v a l u e l e s s by t h e m i s t a k e .

d i s c u s s e d w i t h Editor-in-Chief. Please l i m i t letters t o 5 0 0 w o r d s .

A d v e r t i s e m e n t D e a d l i n e s : All a d a n d classified r e q u e s t s m u s t be s u b m i t t e d

M a i l l e t t e r s t o The Anchor

by 5 p . m . M o n d a y , prior t o W e d n e s d a y d i s t r i b u t i o n .

c/o

H o p e College, d r o p t h e m off at t h e An-

t h e H o p e College S t u d e n t Activities Fund. T h e o p i n i o n s e x p r e s s e d o n t h e

c h o r o f f i c e ( l o c a t e d i n t h e M a r t h a M i l l e r Center 1 5 1 ) or e - m a i l u s a t

C o n t a c t I n f o r m a t i o n : To s u b m i t an a d or a classified, or t o r e q u e s t a b r o c h u r e

Voices p a g e a r e solely t h o s e of t h e a u t h o r a n d d o n o t r e p r e s e n t t h e v i e w s of

a n c h o r @ h o p e . e d u by M o n d a y a t 5 p . m . t o a p p e a r i n W e d n e s d a y ' s i s s u e .

or o t h e r i n f o r m a t i o n , c o n t a c t our A d s R e p r e s e n t a t i v e a t a n c h o r a d s @ h o p e .

The Anchor.

A d v e r t i s i n g P o l i c i e s : All a d v e r t i s i n g is s u b j e c t t o t h e r a t e s , c o n d i t i o n s , stan-

e d u . To c o n t a c t o u r office, call our o f f i c e a t ( 6 1 6 ) 3 9 5 - 7 8 7 7 .

Anchor Letter

One-year s u b s c r i p t i o n s to The Anchor

a r e a v a i l a b l e for $ 4 0 . The

r e s e r v e s t h e right t o a c c e p t or r e j e c t any a d v e r t i s i n g .

Guidelines.

The

Anchor

welcomes

all

letters.

d a r d s . t e r m s a n d policies s t a t e d i n The Anchor's The

staff

re-

The Anchor

advertisement brochure.

will m a k e c o n t i n u o u s e f f o r t s t o a v o i d w r o n g i n s e r t i o n s , o m i s s i o n s

3?

""ANri-r

r

8 THE R CiOR

"'

S c ANDALS

THIS W E E K IN SPORTS Thursday

Oct. 2 7

Quidditch R a v e n c l a w vs. H u f f l e p u f f , 7 p . m .

Curling

Coaches caught in doping sting Big B r o t h e r

performance enhancing

drugs

w h a t s o m e p e o p l e will d o f o r

I'm n o t 20 y e a r s o l d a n y m o r e ,

N C A A

s u c h as h u m a n g r o w t h h o r m o n e s to i m p r o v e their athletic prowess.

success."

"Honestly, I'm m o s d y c u r i o u s a b o u t h o w t h i s stuff works," a

y o u k n o w ? I can't keep u p with t h e m . It w a s t h e o n l y way."

LIASON

vs. M o o s e in C a n a d a , e h .

A f t e r y e a r s of m a i n t a i n i n g a Friday

Oct.

28

OCTOBHR 2 6 , 2 0 1 1

clean record, " H o p e College's" a t h l e t i c d e p a r t m e n t f o u n d itself

Rather, t h e y e n g a g e d in t h e u s e of t h e relatively u n k n o w n H u m a n Energy H o r m o n e (HEH) to keep

in t h e m i d s t of its first m a j o r s c a n d a l last w e e k . A f t e r a n

t h e i r e x c i t e m e n t levels u p b o t h d u r i n g p r a c t i c e s , g a m e s a n d in

Bobsled

a n o n y m o u s tip t o the N C A A ,

J a m a i c a vs. H o l l y w o o d

it w a s r e v e a l e d t h a t m e m b e r s of the athletic department

life in g e n e r a l .

"While I a m a s h a m e d to see

Winter Biathlon W a t c h your heads!

using p e r f o r m a n c e

t h i s b l e m i s h s c a r t h e f a c e of o u r d e p a r t m e n t , I'm m o r e c o n f u s e d

e n h a n c i n g d r u g s in a n d o u t of season for several years.

than anything," Hope's athletic d i r e c t o r s a i d . "I d i d n ' t k n o w t h i s

Cricket

In a s t r a n g e t w i s t t o t h e story, t h e s e m e m b e r s of t h e a t h l e t i c

J i m e n e y vs. Cri-Kee

d e p a r t m e n t were not athletes,

s u b s t a n c e existed."

H E H is a s p e c i a l artificial compound a i m e d at a d u l t s

have b e e n Saturday

Oct. 2 9

Polo R a l p h vs. L a u r e n

b u t coaches. Additionally, these c o a c h e s did not use s t a n d a r d

FOOTBALL THROWS HOMECOMING GAME

O n O c t o b e r 15 , t h e f o o t b a l l t e a m lost its H o m e c o m i n g b a t t l e

i

parents can

personify unbridled

to

testify,

e n e r g y m o r e t h a n in a n y o t h e r across

department

were

the news.

"I a l w a y s

b a c k t h o u g h t a loss w a s n e e d e d

the

one

two 1

picks being p r e s e n t

d u r i n g fierce d o w n f i e l d d r i v e s , p l a y e r s a n d f a n s alike w e r e a s -

of

the

issue

and

c o n s t a n t f e a r of w h a t h a p p e n to the college

the

might if t h e

alumni see bad press, H o p e has e l e c t e d t o k e e p t h e n a m e s of t h e accused

coaches under wraps

as l o n g a s h u m a n e l y p o s s i b l e .

C o a c h e s at s e v e r a l g a m e s t h i s past

week

were

mysteriously

a b s e n t , t h o u g h t h e official r e p o r t w a s t h a t t h e y h a d all c o n t r a c t e d a

debilitating

case

of

food

poisoning after a d e p a r t m e n t luncheon last Monday.

The

Ranchor

secured

i n t e r v i e w w i t h o n e of accused coaches under

an the the

b e c a u s e I ' m p r e t t y s u r e I lost m y job, and that's never fun. But on t h e o t h e r h a n d , it w a s s o m u c h f u n t o feel like a k i d again. If I c o u l d d o it a g a i n w i t h o u t g e t t i n g c a u g h t , I p r o b a b l y would."

T h o u g h t h e i n c i d e n t at H o p e is t h e first t i m e H E H n e w s h a s b e e n c o v e r e d by t h e m e d i a , t h e c o a c h s a i d it is h a r d l y a n unknown substance coaching world.

in

the

"That's the m o s t frustrating p a r t a b o u t all of this," s h e said.

"You g o t o c o a c h i n g c o n v e n t i o n s a n d it's all a n y o n e t a l k s a b o u t .

W e ' r e a c t u a l l y p r e t t y t a m e as far a s u s u a g e g o e s . I've h e a r d at o t h e r l i k e - m i n d e d s c h o o l s 4 5 m i n u t e s e a s t of h e r e , e v e n t h e i r

i n t e r v i e w , w h i c h t o o k p l a c e in t h e d a r k e n e d hal l s b e l o w D e V o s

mascot

Fieldhouse, h e r story.

b e f o r e them."

Representatives

"There's just so m u c h pressure t o a l w a y s b e o n y o u r game," s h e

like-minded schools 45 minutes e a s t of h e r e w e r e u n a v a i l a b l e for

said. " T h e s e k i d s l o o k t o y o u

comment.

this.

for encouragement, energy, excitement, and other words

T h e R a n c h o r will c o n t i n u e t o f o l l o w t h i s s t o r y a s it d e v e l o p s

It's a s h a m e

b e g i n n i n g w i t h "e" all t h e t i m e .

over time.

football

3^©

h i m s e l f in p o s t - g a m e i n t e r v i e w s .

nature

"1 g u e s s so," s h e said. " O n t h e o n e h a n d , it's really u n f o r t u n a t e

some

expected

1

old, b u t I've h e a r d H E H d o e s n ' t w o r k until y o u ' r e 35."

B e c a u s e of the sensitive

before responding.

c o n d i t i o n of a n o n y m i t y . In t h e

player

s a i d . "I j u s t

interceptions were supposedly deliberate, as stated by the m a n

have the energy to r u n up and d o w n t h e field like a five y e a r

W h e n a s k e d if s h e r e g r e t t e d her decision, the coach hesitated

by

shocked

scandal to h a p p e n , because that's t h e n a t u r e of c o l l e g e athletics,"

t o p u m p t h e p l a y e r s u p in o r d e r

the

as m o s t seem

age g r o u p .

Athletes

w i t h A l b i o n 12-3. W i t h a 4 - 2 rec o r d c o m i n g in, H o p e ' s q u a r t e r -

With

of e x c i t e m e n t for l o n g p e r i o d s of t i m e . T h e c o m p o u n d is b a s e d u p o n y e a r s of s t u d i e s o n c h i l d r e n a g e s five t o e i g h t , w h o ,

IN BRIEF

t o finish t h e s e a s o n s t r o n g .

T h e q u a r t e r b a c k ' s last

w h o s e j o b s d e m a n d h i g h levels

s o c c e r p l a y e r s a i d . "I'd l o v e t o

never

expected something like

this

coach

shared

uses

HEH.

I'll

never

u n d e r s t a n d h o w we got caught from

said

t o n i s h e d by t h e t h r o w s .

W h e n asked a b o u t the situation, Hope's head coach avoided the questions but s e e m e d irate

Golf coach puts money and character on line

about everything.

Questions

Kirk C a m e r o n

named

WOMEN'S HOCKEYSETTO D E B U T IN 2 0 1 2

The females leading Hope's

pervaded

after

C a l v i n ' s Ben K u i p e r , w h o w a s

SHOCKED "JOURNALIST"

MIAA

Most

Valuable

"Hope's f r e s h m e n were talking near

the

H o p e College's m e n ' s golf team claimed the MIAA

Golfer, o b s e r v e d t w o Hope g o l f e r s o n t h e t w e l f t h h o l e at

g r e e n of t h e eighth," said

conference

t h e final j a m b o r e e h o s t e d by Adrian. He never had the chance

SanGiacomo.

championship

on

t o w a t c h h i s o p p o n e n t s play, b u t

"They were l o o k i n g

g r i p . W i t h a t e a m s t a c k e d full

on this concluding day h e f o u n d

around, trying

of c l a s s y v e t e r a n s a n d i m p a c t f u l f r e s h m e n , m a n y in t h e H o p e

a break a r o u n d hole twelve.

"I w a s w a t c h i n g a c o u p l e of

t o c a t c h any onlookers,

community

saddened

Hope's guys from their tee-offs

and while they

w i n t e r of 2012.

t o h e a r t h e n e w s of t h e m e n ' s

Enough students showed i n t e r e s t in t h i s b r u t a l c o n t a c t

c h e a t i n g w a y s in t h e final t w o j a m b o r e e s of t h e s e a s o n .

t o t h e i r final putts," said K u i p e r .

"I n o t i c e d s o m e t h i n g o d d . A f t e r

thought they w e r e clear, o n e

t h e i r t h i r d s h o t s , o n e of t h e m

of t h e m p i c k e d

g r o u p called P u s h f o r E q u a l i t y (PFE) h a v e finally b e e n a w a r d -

O c t o b e r 8, b u t t h e v i c t o r y w a s i m m e d i a t e l y s n a t c h e d f r o m its

e d by t h e a t h l e t i c d i r e c t o r s . A w o m e n ' s h o c k e y t e a m will b e set t o f a c e off a g a i n s t t h r e e o t h e r t e a m s f r o m t h e M 1 A A in t h e

s p o r t , a n d t h e h e a d of t h e PFE is p r o u d t o say t h a t t h i s is a h u g e m o v e m e n t in w o m e n s p o r t .

W h i l e h o c k e y is s e t in s t o n e

Cheating

were

and

allegations

a s i d e , H o p e b e t t e r e d T r i n e b y 19 s t r o k e s in t h e M I A A s t a n d i n g s

h i s ball u p n e a r l y 50 feet f r o m the h o l e a n d w r o t e o n

s o m e h o w got closer to the h o l e

h i s card."

A t t h e c o n c l u s i o n of t h e day

to take the c o n f e r e n c e c r o w n .

and

A s t r o k e t o t a l of 2 4 4 3 o v e r the c o u r s e of eight j a m b o r e e s

e a s y eagle."

K u i p e r said

tion about starting a women's football team. N o f u r t h e r infor-

w a s e n o u g h to b e t t e r every c o n f e r e n c e foe. T h i s will all g o

"terribly c o n f u s e d " and almost c o n f r o n t e d t h e first p l a y e r a b o u t

m a t i o n is available.

to waste.

k n o c k e d in a s u p p o s e d l y that

he

was

aijojd-uoM

0 0 0 6

j-s

O D

i3m MOHDMV

Jf)J 1103 HdOH

a

c o n f e r e n c e championship. " F i n i s h i n g t h i r d in t h e M I A A last year, I h a d a b u d d y of m i n e bet m e that my team wouldn't

his c h e a t i n g t a c t i c s , b u t d e c i d e d

w i n it t h i s year," h e t e s t i f i e d . "1 t h o u g h t it w a s a f r i e n d l y b e t , b u t t h e n h e c o n v i n c i n g l y said t h a t

a g a i n s t it. W h e n p r e s s e d , K u i p e r admitted that this was because

the contest, a p p r o a c h e d Hope's coach with straightforward

h e ' d h a n d m e $ 5 0 , 0 0 0 if w e w o n .

"My friend and I have been

h e w a s h i d i n g in t h e b r u s h a n d trees s u r r o u n d i n g the course to

questions.

Q u e s t i o n s s u c h a s "are y o u r

conversing

s p y o n H o p e ' s players, a n d h e didn't w a n t to a p p e a r to be t o o

boys cheating?" and "have you e n c o u r a g e d f o u l play?" w e r e

hypocritical.

"It w a s o b v i o u s r u l e - b r e a k i n g

among

got to d o w h a t you've got to do, e v e n if it is slightly unethical."

oooe-zztbf m 'awnoH

and after hearing three additional testimonies from two fans and

just

League C o m m i s s i o n e r David L. N e i l s o n , w h o w a s p r e s e n t at

o n t h e i r part," K u i p e r said. "It w a s h a r d to watch, s o m e t i m e s you've

aiYd oSeisoj s n 'poiJOSDJjI

t h a n

p i c k e d h i s ball u p a n d w r o t e on his card, while the o t h e r

t o b e a c h o i c e of s p o r t , t h e PFE is c u r r e n t l y in s e r i o u s c o n v e r s a -

3§3|J03 odo| |

plate

O n c e w o r d got o u t a b o u t Kuiper's observations, Trine's h e a d c o a c h Bill S a n G i a c o m o l e a k e d t h a t h e t h o u g h t h e saw s o m e fishy b u s i n e s s o c c u r r i n g at

hole

jamboree.

eight

earlier

in

the

another

golfer,

the

few

the

that

MIAA's

elicited

answers.

Hope's coach was dejected w h e n c o n f r o n t e d , hearing the w o r d rapidly spread across the Lenawee C o u n t r y Club.

"My boys were cheating today," h e a d m i t t e d . " T h e y also

all

season,

but

I

haven't cheated until c r u n c h t i m e in t h e s e last t w o j a m b o r e e s .

After being back seven strokes after the sixth j a m b o r e e , I addressed the team and told t h e m t h a t I w o u l d give t h e m e a c h a t h o u s a n d of t h e t o t a l if t h e y w e n t w i t h t h e plan."

The troop listened.

The a d m i t t a n c e of t h e false s c o r e s a n d t h e sneaky green tricks has

c h e a t e d at t h e last j a m b o r e e . I'm

prevented

deeply regretting their—I mean, m y a c t i o n s already."

h o m e the M I A A crown. Trine will b e n a m e d c h a m p i o n s w h i l e H o p e ' s e n t i r e M I A A s e a s o n will

Apparently m o r e was on the

Hope

be wiped clean.

from

taking