Abbie Doll 133 Tabitha Lindstrom

CONTENTS

Flash Fiction

Abbie Doll 133

Sylvia Schwartz 34

Poetry

Anthony Salandy 42 London Chastain 50

Yuu Ikeda 105 LeAnne Hunt 125

Short Fiction

Tabitha Lindstrom 6

D.W. Davis 51

Bri Eberhart 79

Josiah Ikpe 106

Translations

Bruce Gunther 77 Jake Villarreal 127 Ivan de Monbrison 36

Laura Rockhold 123 Leah Mueller 75 Iberia Muñoz (Translation by

Alexander Peréz 32 Nancy Machlis Rechtman 119 Tyler Gebauer) 62

Reviews/Interviews

A Review of Marianne Worthington’s The Girl Singer by Betsy Packard 43

Visual Art/Mixed Media

KJ Hannah Greenberg 60

Theresa Kohlbeck Jakobsen (Cover Artist)

Philip Temples 31

Edward Lee 134

CNF/Essays

Ibrahim Babátúndé Ibrahim 129

Scott Martin 72

Marisa Silva-Dunbar 37

Contributors 136

I’D WAIT FOR YOU by Tabitha Lindstrom

The first time Ellis and Rowan met; Rowan knew that they would be friends forever.

He remembers sitting in the airport parking lot, hands gripping the steering wheel to distract

from his shaking hands. He remembers how he closed his eyes and pictured Ellis standing in

front of him. Rowan can see how the curly brown hair settles so perfectly on his forehead

with deep brown eyes to match, eyes that were so full of adoration for Rowan whenever they

facetimed

each other. Rowan was in love, and sometimes he felt so overwhelmed with emotion that he

just didn’t know what to do with himself.

Ellis and Rowan had met on an online forum for fantasy novels five years before they

had first met in person. Wyatt was a moderator for the forum and often discussed the new

dystopian that was topping the charts or how The Hunger Games was the best book to movie

film, a topic that Rowan felt very strongly on. The three traded phone numbers and were

inseparable since that moment.

Wyatt had made the decision to move in with Rowan soon after his 18th birthday. He

had lost his mother just a month previously and with no other family to turn to asked Rowan

for help. The two moved in together just two months later, and Rowan was quick to pick up

new jobs to help support the two. He typically found himself editing essays and manuscripts

for students at Honeywell College, a small community college in Honeywell, Minnesota

while Wyatt sold paintings to whoever would buy.

The two were able to support themselves while working toward helping Ellis buy a

plane ticket to visit for the first time, coming face to face with the British boy two years after

they had moved in together.

On the first visit, Rowan had been waiting for the cue from Ellis that he was ready.

He had never picked someone up from an airport before and Wyatt wasn’t able to come

since he was in a meeting with other artists. He had tried to talk himself out of the meeting, but

they said he needed to be there to keep working under their wing.

Unfortunately for Rowan, that meant he was alone with his racing thoughts and anxiety.

His hands were sore from his grip on the steering wheel, so he convinced himself to pull out his

phone instead. He had messages from Wyatt, mostly pictures of colorful paintings of birds and

seasides, and just one message from Ellis that he had missed: ‘I’M HEREEE! :D’.

Rowan drove to where Ellis was standing, a large suitcase to his left. He was bundled in a

large black coat, his face tinged pink from the December weather. Rowan’s body felt weightless

as he stepped out of the beat up blue Chevy, as if he was a toddler taking his first steps.

“Rowan!” Ellis screamed and ran to the blonde.

Without warning, Ellis launched himself at Rowan, quickly wrapping his arms and legs

around the taller boy. Luckily for Ellis, Rowan was athletic and was able to support his body

weight. The two stood silent for a minute, quietly hugging each other.

When Ellis finally broke away from the hug, he was crying.

“I cannot believe I am actually here! This is so.. Rowan, you are actually a real person!

This is so amazing,” Ellis said.

On the ride home, Ellis recounted his journey to Rowan, but the main topic of

conversation was his mother.

“She tried to make sure I couldn’t visit. She stole my passport from me yesterday. The

entire time I was packing she was trying to get me to change my mind. She was yelling at me,

saying that as soon as I touched down and got to your house that you would kill me.. I tried to

ignore her but she ended up taking my phone from me and reading through our conversations,”

Ellis grumbled.

“What? She should not be able to do that! You are 23, not a child.”

“I know! She is so overprotective, and I get it! I understand that your kid going to a new

country to meet someone is scary. But, she thinks she can control me and my choices. Honestly, I

think she is afraid that I will just love it here and stay. Can’t have her perfect baby boy falling in

love with some 21 year old Minnesotan,” Ellis joked.

Rowan, who had been trying to focus as much of his attention to driving as possible,

swerved as he turned his head to look at Ellis.

“Well, I don’t think that would be the worst thing, would it?”

“Pay attention to the road idiot, I don’t want to die before I get to see Wyatt.”

Now, just a year after their first time meeting, Rowan is once again sitting in the parking

lot of the airport. This time, he is less anxious. He turns off the radio station that was playing a

pop song Rowan had never heard of, and scrolls aimlessly through TikTok before his phone

vibrates with the message he had been waiting for.

‘i’m ready to be picked up! same place as before?’

He responds with a ‘yea!’ before turning his car back on, the adrenaline now beginning to

race through his veins. The words 'it's time’ ring through his mind on repeat, the silence of the

car becoming too overbearing for him. Soon his best friend will be back into his arms, the person

he has loved for six years will be here and everything will be perfect and nothing will ever have

to change. He lets himself forget that Ellis has to leave eventually, because that is what

Rowan does when he is happy. He lets himself forget all of the bad of the world, and just

focus on the positives of his best friend being back in Minnesota with him.

Rowan pulls up to the same spot as a year previous. Ellis is standing there, swaying back

and forth, which Rowan has learned is a way that Ellis helps manage his anxiety. He steps out

of the car and feels the familiar weightless feeling.

“Hi Ro! I won’t jump this time, I promise.”

Ellis grins as Rowan walks toward him, and Rowan notices the dimples that he has begun

to adore.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Rowan picks Ellis up, squeezing him tight before plopping him back down onto his feet.

Ellis laughs, and Rowan wonders how he survived an entire year without hearing the deep

chested laugh in person.

“C’mon, let’s get my luggage into the car! It is so cold outside; I want to get to your

house. I thought it was cold in London at Heathrow but this is far worse!”

Rowan smiles, picking up one of Ellis's heavy blue suitcases and shoving it into his trunk.

Ellis helps load the rest and before long they are on their way to Rowan’s house.

“This flight felt even longer than the last one! I couldn’t fall asleep, so I am running on

barely any sleep right now. I suppose you two are worth it,” Ellis says.

“Did you sleep before your flight?”

“No, my mom was nagging me all day again. Since I packed more than before she is

convinced I am leaving and never returning. Since you didn’t kill me last time, she knows you

don’t pose a physical harm to me. Just a.. Well, anyway. She didn’t let me sleep so I am

extremely exhausted. At least I get to see you and Wyatt! And Bear. How could I forget that

fluffy little guy.”

Before long, the two were dragging Ellis’s suitcases into the front door of Rowan and

Wyatt’s shared house.

“I’m back Wyatt! Are you done with your client?”

Wyatt walks into the entryway that leads to the living room, covered in splatters of paint

and charcoal.

“Yeah. She was very rude, but I am getting a thousand for this painting so.. I have to be

kind to her. That’s enough for a whole month of rent!”

Wyatt turns to face Ellis, opening his arms.

“Hi! I will hug you after you are no longer covered in paint. This coat is expensive,” Ellis

remarks.

Wyatt rolls his eyes and gestures for the two to walk into the living room. Rowan takes

Ellis’s coat and hangs it for him while the other follows Wyatt to where Bear is prancing at a

baby gate.

“He hasn’t learned how to jump the gate yet, but it’s an easy way to make sure he doesn’t

eat my art supplies while I am turned away,” Wyatt explains to Ellis.

“He drank Wy’s paint water about a month ago and ever since he has been on timeout

while we are working in here. Anyway, Wyatt go get changed into something warmer! We

are going to get lunch then Ellis needs to get some rest.”

Wyatt nods, rushing to his room.

“I always forget what breed Bear is. My friend Jonathan asked and I completely blanked.

I called him a marshmallow dog. What is it.. Samoyed?” Ellis asks.

“Yeah, Samoyed. He’s turning two this year. My baby Bear is getting old.”

“If anyone is getting old it’s Ellis, 24 years old! At death's door already,’ Wyatt jokes as

he walks back into the living room.

Ellis hits Wyatt on the shoulder before hugging him tight. Rowan watches the two, a

warm feeling settling over his heart.

This is what being home feels like. Everything is perfect.

The rest of the day passed by quickly. Rowan suggested they get lunch at a small cafe

that Ellis had begged to see the last time he visited. They ate lunch then returned home. Ellis

departed to the guest room where Wyatt had hung his paintings that needed to be sold along with

small colorful clay statues and embroidery projects gone wrong.

Rowan and Wyatt had purposefully invested in getting a house with three rooms, at the

time they convinced themselves that it was for storage. In reality, Rowan knew that they agreed

on it just in case Ellis ever decided to move in with them. Ellis would always have a place in

their home.

The next morning, Rowan awakes to Ellis shaking his arm.

“Ro.. Wake up. I think we should do something fun today. Are you awake? I heard Wyatt

crying, I think he needs a distraction,” Ellis says.

“Mhm.. He does that a lot, especially recently. The anniversary of his mom’s death is

right around the corner. What do you want to do today?”

Rowan sits up in his bed, patting the space where his head was just resting. Ellis sits

down and drapes an arm over Rowan’s shoulder.

“I was thinking we let Wy decide. Or we choose something he would enjoy. Is it snowy

enough for sledding? He mentioned over the phone a couple weeks ago that he was excited to go

sledding.”

“You’re so smart El. I think it is snowy enough, we just have to find an area that would

work. He probably has somewhere in mind.”

Rowan leans back onto Ellis, closing his eyes.

“I think he will be angry with us if we wake him up this early. Let’s give him until noon.

Do you want breakfast?” Rowan asks.

“Nah.. I’m still tired, but I woke up to him crying. We should give him his space; I can

set an alarm for us and we can just sleep more.”

“Mm, okay. Set one for.. 11:30. I’ll make us breakfast and then we can wake him up if he

doesn't wake up by then. Deal?” Rowan mumbles, already slipping back into unconsciousness.

“Deal. Ro, can I talk to you about something?” Ellis asks, but when he looks at Rowan he

can tell the other boy is already asleep again.

Rowan wakes up to an alarm blaring in his ear, the sound of an old fashioned car horn

was, for whatever reason, Ellis’s alarm of choice.

“El.. Wake up. Where is your phone? God it is so loud,” Rowan groans as he reaches out

aimlessly to find Ellis’s phone.

After a moment, the alarm is shut off by Ellis accompanied by a mumbled ‘sorry’.

Rowan stretches, still laying under the dark green duvet.

“What should we make? I bought ingredients for chocolate pancakes since I know that

those are your favorite, and Wyatt’s,” Rowan says.

“That is so sweet. I’d love that. I don’t want to leave you guys. I love being able to just

be here and not have to worry about my parents. If I could afford to move here right now, I

would. You two are so important to me.”

Rowan turns to face Ellis, forcing both of them to sit up on the bed.

“Wy and I can help provide for you! I have a lot saved up from doing some coding jobs

for Honeywell over their fall semester. All you have to do is trust me.”

“You know I trust you, Rowan. I just.. I don’t know if there is even a chance that my

mom will allow me to return home, pack, and come back without throwing a fit. Plus even if I try

to move here I need a visa. There is so much that has to be put into this process, I can’t just move

here,” Ellis sighs.

“And I am willing to stick by you for as long as it takes. I have always been willing.”

Rowan reaches out for Ellis’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Promise me you will try. Whatever you need, I can try to provide,” Rowan says, his tone

no longer carrying his typical playful tone.

“I promise. Whatever it takes,” Ellis responds, his voice carrying the same determination

as Rowans.

“Whatever it takes.”

After more discussion on the possibility of Ellis’s move, the two depart from Rowan’s

room to the kitchen. Wyatt joins them shortly after, helping make breakfast for the trio. Bear sits

nearby, occasionally begging for the bacon that Wyatt makes.

Soon after, the three leave the house to go sledding. It’s snowing, the weather is nearly

below freezing, and they decide to walk to a nearby hill that Wyatt recalls is great for sledding.

Ellis, who has never gone sledding before, manages to convince Rowan to slide down the

hill with him on his first slide down. The two settle into the bright orange circular sled and

Rowan wraps his arms around Ellis, holding tight as they pick up momentum. Wyatt laughs

when Ellis still somehow falls off of the sled.

Rowan feels his heart race when Ellis brushes his hand against the other’s. They look at

each other, a shy smile spreading across Ellis’s flushed face.

From the bottom of the hill, Wyatt screams as his sled slides straight into a tall pine tree.

Rowan doubles over in laughter while Ellis rushes to the bottom to check on Wyatt.

The three walk home as the sun begins to set, hues of dark purple and pink fade into the

soft blue. Wyatt, who is uninjured besides a small bruise forming on his arm, insists the three

take a picture with the sunset in the background.

Once they arrive home, Rowan offers to make the three hot chocolates.

“I can light the fireplace! First time of the season, no better an occasion than today,”

Wyatt says, rushing into the living room with Bear close behind.

“Anything I can do?” Ellis asks Rowan.

“Sure! Get us a bunch of blankets and pillows so we can warm up. If you want a change

of clothes you can borrow something of mine. It might be a bit big on you but..”

Ellis nods and walks out of the kitchen, leaving Rowan alone.

Rowan opens the fridge, grabbing the gallon of milk and setting it onto the counter. His

eyes drift to his hand, the same hand that Ellis tried to hold just a few hours before.

“God, I need to stop this.. It is going too far,” Rowan mumbles to himself as he pours

enough milk for all three into a pot with hot chocolate mix.

He hears voices from the living room, unable to figure out what Wyatt and Ellis are

talking about. Wyatt is laughing about something. Rowan walks to the doorframe of the living

room, curiosity taking over.

“What are you two laughing about?”

Ellis’s face is red, but Rowan can tell it isn’t the same flush that came from the cold.

The fireplace, which is one of Rowan’s favorite parts of the house, was glowing and casting

light on Ellis.

Rowan feels his own face warm as he realizes his heart beat has, once again, begun to

speed up.

“You look.. Uhm.. The fireplace makes you look very elegant!” Rowan attempts to

compliment Ellis, tripping over his words.

Wyatt’s laughter returns as he looks between Rowan and Ellis.

“Lord have mercy. Row, go check the chocolate,” Wyatt says.

Rowan wastes no time rushing back to the kitchen, shaking his hands to try relieving the

strange feeling of anxiety that had risen in his chest.

Not long later, Rowan returns to the living room with three mugs of hot chocolate

precariously balanced on his hands. He takes his spot between Wyatt and Ellis, wrapping a green

flannel blanket around himself as he takes a small sip of the warm drink. The three fall into a

comfortable silence, content with watching the bright flames dance.

The silence is broken by a phone ringing and Rowan recognizes the ringtone designated

for his mother playing.

“Oh, one moment. I have to go take this. I’ll be right back!” Ellis says, standing up from

the huddle of blankets. He walks to the guest room.

“I wonder what that’s about..,” Wyatt whispers to Rowan.

The two stay quiet, hoping to pick up on any bits of conversation they could overhear.

“Come back? Why right now? Well- no I just-... No, I understand that! But my trip was

arranged for a month and I haven’t even been here three full days yet. I… Yes, I understand that,

but I had planned on having Christmas and New Year’s here with Rowan and Wyatt and I..

Okay, okay. I get it. I’ll be back by tomorrow night. Okay, yeah. Bye.”

Rowan rises from his spot on the floor.

“I’ll go check on him. You stay here, we don’t want another war of 2019”, Rowan jokes,

referring to a fight caused by Ellis’s mother the previous year.

The last time that Ellis had visited, the three had gotten into a surprisingly heated

discussion about Ellis’s family. Wyatt had mentioned that Ellis should just leave his mother, and

Rowan made a joke about how Ellis was old enough to move out.

Rowan and Wyatt had gone too far with their jokes, and Ellis snapped on them.

“Just because you two are younger than me and have a home doesn’t mean you are better

than me! I am unable to leave because I cannot afford to live anywhere in my area. You two have

a three bedroom home for what? Around a thousand dollars a month? Do you know how lucky

you are for that?”

Rowan was the first to back off the jokes, realizing that they had gone too far. Rowan

knew this was a touchy subject for Ellis, hours long calls where Ellis complained about rental

prices where he would want to live drifting back into his memory.

“El, I’m sorry,” Rowan said, placing a hand on Ellis’s shoulder.

“Yeah? Well you should be! I work my ass off to try and make sure that someday I will

be able to move here. Don’t act like you forgot everything I have told you two!”

Ellis stood up and walked to the guest room, slamming the door shut as he did so.

“Rowan, it’s okay. We took it too far, but he will forgive us! It’ll all be okay!” Wyatt said,

quick to reassure Rowan.

Now Rowan stands hesitantly at the door of Ellis’s room. He watches as Ellis packs up

the few items he had unpacked, occasionally wiping tears from his eyes.

“Hey El! Is everything alright? We heard some of your conversation. Did something

happen?” Rowan asks, sitting on the bed.

Ellis takes a deep breath and sits next to Rowan.

“My mom called me… She said there is some important family matter happening and I

have to head home. She is refusing to give me any context and I just…,” Ellis sighs.

Rowan wraps an arm around Ellis, allowing the other to rest his head on Rowan’s

shoulder.

“I don’t want to leave yet. It took so much time and money to save up and visit you this

time. I don’t know the next time I will be able to visit and I hate living in Bognor. I just want

to stay here with you and- and Wyatt, of course.”

“I know, I’m sorry I can’t help more.. Remember what we talked about, okay? Next time

I see you, you will be staying here with me. As soon as you get home, apply for the visa. I will

save up as much money as possible for you. You always have a room here, you know that,”

Rowan says.

Wyatt walks into the bedroom and leans on the doorframe.

“You could move here. This spare bedroom is for you, you are always welcomed here.

Like Rowan said, apply for a visa. Even if it gets rejected, we can help pay for you to visit more

often! You don’t always need to visit in December, ya know?” Wyatt remarks.

Ellis nods, and Rowan can see him close his eyes. After a few moments, Ellis takes

another deep breath and looks at Rowan.

“I.. I just need to be alone while I pack and get ready. I’ll make sure I say goodbye to you

two before I leave. I’m sorry.”

“No need to apologize! If you end up needing something, you know where we are,”

Rowan smiles at Ellis, placing a hand on the side of his face.

Rowan stands up and leaves the room, allowing Wyatt to close the door behind them.

“You aren’t going to tell him?” Wyatt asks.

“It isn’t the right time. I was going to tonight but.. Now I just can’t bring myself to,”

Rowan looks at Wyatt.

Wyatt sighs, seemingly having no response to this. He walks to his own room, shutting

the door behind him. Rowan does the same and, once alone in his own room, begins to cry.

The next morning, Rowan wakes up to Ellis shaking him once again.

“Ro, I’m leaving. I’m just going to take an Uber to the airport. My mother paid for it, as

well as the plane ticket. I already said goodbye to Wyatt,” Ellis says.

Rowan sits up in his bed, saying nothing as he looks at Ellis.

“El, I need you to know something before you leave.”

“I.. Rowan, I might be gone for a long time. I don’t know the next time I will be able to

visit you. Please understand that I can’t control what happens once I am home again this time.

I can tell something is off with my mother. I don’t want to say she is lying about the family

emergency but.. My younger brother told me that I was outed to my mother by one of my

friends. I know we have talked about this, but I didn’t want to tell her until I moved here since I

knew she wouldn’t let me visit because of you.”

“Because of me? Why me?” Rowan asks, confusion laced in his words.

“Ro, I think we both know why.”

Ellis sets down his bag he was carrying and sits next to Rowan. He leans his head onto

Rowan’s shoulder and neither of them say anything for several minutes. They stay quiet,

watching the sun rise outside Rowan’s window.

Ellis was the one to break the silence.

“I need you to make another promise to me. Promise me that, no matter what happens,

you will always be here for me. I don’t care if the world falls apart, I just need to know that you

will always be my home. I need to know that even.. Even if everything goes horribly wrong, I

will always have you.”

Rowan places a gentle kiss to the side of Ellis’s head.

“I promise, El. I promise.”

Months have passed since Ellis’s departure from Minnesota and neither Rowan nor Wyatt

had heard anything from the British boy.

At first, they assumed that he was busy with whatever family matters had taken place but

as time went on they grew more anxious about what had happened to their friend. Typically,

either Rowan or Wyatt would hear from Ellis at least once a day. Rowan would often spend his

nights screen sharing TV shows and movies that he would watch with Ellis. Ellis would send

Rowan a picture of a cat that reminded him of the other.

That is how things always worked for them.

Until now.

To make matters worse, neither one of the Americans could reach out to someone who

could help with their questions. They know Ellis’s mother checks Joshuas’, his younger brother,

messages at least once a week. They don’t want to risk his mother seeing the message and

making things worse.

All they could do was wait.

Rowan is sitting at his desk, tapping nervously on the dark wood while he attempts to

read over an essay that he is editing for a client. Slowly, he feels a panic begin to settle in. It

started as the tapping, slowly evolving to needing to physically move. Rowan paces around his

room, his mind running with a thousand unanswered questions.

Did Ellis die?

No, Ellis’s mother wasn’t that horrific. Surely she would have told them. If not her, then

one of Ellis’s few friends in England. Rowan wonders which one is the one that outed Ellis.

There is a soft knock at the door.

“Come in Wy!”

Wyatt opens the door and looks at Rowan, his serious face donned.

“Read this.”

Wyatt hands Rowan his phone, allowing the other to read a text message he had received.

‘hey this is ellis’s friend, he has been staying at my house recently but he is doing really

badly right now. he wants to see you two but i dont really know how to help with that. can you

guys come here or somehow get him to you? thx xxx’

“Well we have to go see him then! This is the most information we have gotten about

Ellis in months! We need to go see him and make sure he is okay,” Rowan says, shoving the

phone back into Wyatt’s hands.

He turns to grab a suitcase, but is stopped by Wyatt.

“Rowan, we can’t go to him. He needs to come here. The longer he stays in England, the

longer his family keeps their control over him. He needs people who actually care about him, and

that’s us. I can buy him the plane ticket, but I need you to call him. I’m sure he will want to talk

to you more than me. You’ve always been his favorite.”

Rowan sighs and shakes his head in disagreement, but he knows Wyatt is right. They

need to get Ellis to Minnesota, even if it is just for a month.

He takes out his own phone, checking to make sure he didn’t miss a message from Ellis

before attempting to call him. There are four rings before it switches to voicemail.

“Hey there! You’ve reached Ellis Allen’s voicemail. If yo-”

Rowan hangs up before he can hear more. He sits at his desk and tries again. This time it

rings twice before going to voicemail. Rowan hangs up again.

“That’s so strange.. Wy, it seems like he is purposefully declining my calls. Can I borrow

your phone to call him?”

Wyatt nods and hands his phone to Rowan. He unlocks it and navigates to contacts before

clicking on Ellis’s number, which is listed under favorites.

It rings three times, just long enough for Rowan to think that Ellis won’t answer the call

from Wyatt’s phone either. But, he hears a voice. Not the voicemail this time, but a real voice.

Ellis answered the call.

“Wyatt? I presume you got my friend’s message.. Just ignore her, please. I am perfectly

fine! Everything is fine… I have just been, uh, busy! I promise we can catch up soon, and I will

explain all the things that have been going on,” Ellis says, clearly trying to make his voice sound

more upbeat than he actually felt.

Rowan has known Ellis for so long that he has learned many of Ellis’s quirks. There are

certain ticks that Ellis does when he lies, when he is trying to seem happy, when he isn’t actually

happy, that sort of thing.

And this was making every alarm in Rowan’s mind sound off.

Rowan tries to speak, but his mouth feels as if it is full of cotton balls. His throat is too

dry and his voice comes out as a squeak.

“Wyatt?” Ellis questions.

‘No, it’s, um, it’s Rowan! I tried to call you on my phone and you didn’t answer. So, I

tried Wyatt’s! I just wanted to make sure that you were okay and… Let you know that Wyatt and

I are buying you a ticket to come here! And stay here. If that is okay. I think Wyatt may have

already bought the ticket!”

Rowan knows this is a lie. Even so, he knows Ellis. The Ellis he knows would never

reject a free plane ticket. His El would take any options to escape from England, even if it was

for a short while.

There is a tense silence as Rowan waits for a response.

“No, Rowan. I am happy here. I can’t leave. I don’t… I don’t want to talk to you

anymore, please just give the phone back to Wyatt,” Ellis says, completely monotone as if he

was reading off of a script that he was forced to rehearse a hundred times over.

‘Oh’ is Rowan’s only thought as he hands the phone back to Wyatt, who is still

lingering to hear whatever bits of conversation he can pick up.

Wyatt shoots him a confused look, unsure what to make of the dejected look that Rowan

has written clearly on his face. He waits for an explanation, but slowly leaves the room when he

gets nothing.

Ellis said no, to coming to Minnesota, to seeing them again. He said he was happy, but

Rowan can’t help but not trust that. He knows Ellis’s voice so well, his typical sarcastic tones

and funny antics. This Ellis was cold, sardonic, and exhausted. He realizes there is nothing more

he can do but sit back and wait for Wyatt to try and convince Ellis.

Yet, hours of waiting turned to weeks and Rowan began to wonder if he would ever hear

from Ellis again. Plans for the future became futile, the spare bedroom meant for Ellis becoming

a storage room full of old clothes that were meant to be donated, workout equipment that broke

and was meant to be put at the curbside, and a large blue dog bed for Bear.

The room, perfectly situated between Rowan and Wyatt’s room, became a constant

reminder of every ‘what if?’ question Rowan had asked himself in the last six years of their

friendship.

What if they met and everything was perfect? What if they fell in love? What if they met

and their friendship died? What if Ellis hated Rowan? What would have happened if Rowan had

just told Ellis that he loved him?

“Ro, you need to eat something. Literally anything, please,” Wyatt says, breaking Rowan

out of the mind loop that he had been stuck in.

It has been just over six months since Ellis had left, and Rowan was finding it more

difficult than ever to do basic tasks. He fell behind in work, too tired to be able to concentrate on

long essays about art history and classic literature. He spent most days sitting in the living room

with Wyatt, zoning out and watching as Wyatt painted beautiful seaside resorts, sunsets, and

nature scenery.

Rowan is, admittedly, jealous of the ease that Wyatt seems to be coping with the possible

loss of such an important friendship.

“Wy, how are you dealing with this so easily?” Rowan asks, ignoring Wyatt’s request.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know.. You just seem so… unfazed?”

Wyatt gestures toward the plate of scrambled eggs and bacon that sits in front of Rowan,

and he understands what Wyatt is asking. Once he begins to eat, Wyatt begins to speak.

“I lost my mom before I had even graduated high school. You know that, because we

were friends and I moved in with you afterward. I lost my dad when I was 4. I lost my baby

sister when I was 10. I’ve lived a life full of loss, I guess. Of course I miss El. He was the

greatest friend I ever had, besides you.”

Rowan smiles at Wyatt and playfully hits his arm.

“No, but seriously. I miss him every day. It is strange not hearing you two talking at the

latest hours of the night. It’s weird not waking up to dozens of Tiktoks and memes from him. I

hate that we can’t play games with him anymore. A huge part of our lives has gotten taken away.

I guess.. I guess it just doesn’t feel real yet. That’s how it was with my mom too.”

Rowan nods, and he thinks he understands Wyatt better than ever before.

On the year anniversary of Ellis’s departure, Rowan finds himself sitting on the floor of

the room that was meant to be Ellis’s. Tears begin to force their way out of Rowan’s eyes, the

realization that he has lost Ellis forever beginning to really settle in. The question of “what if I

lose my best friend?” was no longer a what if, it was a when. It was happening with every

passing second that he sits in the middle of the discarded clothes, with every second he watches

Bear spin in circles before lying down comfortably in his large blue bed.

For months now, Rowan has been sitting in that room day after day. Wyatt doesn’t ever

mention it, and Rowan assumes it is because Wyatt knows it would make him feel worse about

the way he is getting over his best friend.

So it only makes sense to both of them that, on the year anniversary, they are sitting

together on the floor of that room. Wyatt is leaning back against the bed that still has Ellis’s

favorite blue comforter on it, eyes closed and head tilted toward the ceiling. Rowan, just as he

has for weeks now, is sitting right in the middle of the room.

Neither one of them says anything to the other, they allow the silence to fill the room and

hang heavy between them. One full year without Ellis, nearly a full year with no contact. It

doesn’t feel right to either of them.

Rowan waits until Wyatt stands up and leaves before allowing himself to cry. He allows a

sob to erupt from his throat, only muffled by a hand that Rowan presses against his face. Bear

looks at him, seemingly desensitized to this and only bothered by the sudden sound. Rowan can’t

force himself to hold back the tears any longer, and they fall faster than ever before.

A week later, Rowan is sitting in the kitchen when Wyatt walks in and sits next to him.

“How are you feeling?” Wyatt asks.

Rowan shrugs and looks at Wyatt. He sets his phone down on the table.

“I don’t know. I’m still sad. I think.. I think recently my biggest question is: would things

have been different had I told him how I felt? I almost did, that night he left. But I got scared. He

told me he got outed and… I just couldn’t. He made me promise I would never leave and I did..

I guess it just hurts that I’m not the one that left.”

Wyatt pats Rowan’s arm, shooting him a reassuring smile.

“Hey! You never know, maybe things would have turned out this way no matter what,

and who knows! Maybe someday he will come back. Do you still feel like that? I mean, do you

still love him?” Wyatt questions.

“I do. I don’t know why, but I still do,” Rowan sighs.

There is a knock at the front door and Wyatt stands up before Rowan can. He has a

mischievous look on his face as he approaches the door.

“If you invited someone over to cheer me up, you could have just led the conversation

with that,” Rowan jokes.

Rowan hears the front door open, and excited voices speaking in hushed voices. Bear

runs into the room and straight to the door, barking as he does so.

That’s when Rowan hears something that changes everything. A laugh, the same laugh he

heard in person for the first time two years ago in the airport parking lot when Ellis gave him the

tightest hug he had ever felt, no longer separated by the thousands of miles that were between

them. The same laugh that reignited his heart every time he heard it.

Before he can properly process anything, his body is on autopilot. Dashing to the front

door, he begins to cry happy tears, rather than the heartbroken ones he has grown accustomed to.

Tears that were full of so much love and joy when he lifts Ellis off of the ground and into his

arms.

Rowan cannot tell if he is laughing or crying anymore, and all he knows is that Ellis is

here, he is in his arms and alive and in Minnesota. All he knows is that Bear won’t stop howling

and perching on his hind legs to paw at the air in front of them. All he knows is the way Wyatt’s

arms complete the puzzle as they find their way around the duo.

“How are you here? When did you.. Did Wyatt know? What happened? Why did you

disappear?” Rowan’s questions are falling out of his mouth faster than Ellis or Wyatt can process

them.

“Ro, let the man come in! Yes, I knew he was coming here. I’ve been in contact with him

since just under a week ago. He promised to explain everything as soon as he got here.”

Wyatt picks up a few of Ellis’s many suitcases, dragging them into the kitchen. Ellis does

the same. Rowan watches Ellis, unable to take his eyes off of him.

Ellis glances at Rowan and smiles before turning away to continue helping Wyatt.

“Is that everything?” Wyatt asks.

“Everything I could get. Okay, let’s go to the living room then.”

The three walk into the living room. Wyatt sits on the couch with Rowan while Ellis pulls

up a chair so he can face the two.

“First, I want to start by saying I am so sorry for disappearing. The last year has been the

worst year of my life and I didn’t know how to tell you two that I needed help since I knew there

wasn’t much you could do. So like I mentioned the day I left, I was outed to my mom. The

‘family emergency’ was that. She wanted me to come home, and she didn’t want me to talk

to you two. Or, more specifically, she didn’t want me to talk to Rowan,” Ellis explains.

He pauses before continuing his story.

“When I got home, she took my phone away. She took my passport, my money, and

anything else that I could have used to leave. Luckily, my buddy Ren had an open bedroom and

some extra money for me. She bought me a new phone, she let me stay with her, and she helped

me start my visa process. I told myself that I couldn’t risk coming here again unless I could stay

indefinitely. I already talked to Wyatt about this, and he said that he approves, but I need to make

sure you approve too Ro. Can I move in?”

“Of course you can! I would feel horrible making you live elsewhere when we have a

room for you here anyway,” Rowan says.

“Even after everything I have made you go through?” Ellis asks.

“I made a promise to you, El. I intend to keep that promise.”

The two smile at each other, the year of distance seemingly melting away.

“That is.. kind of the whole story. Josh stole the passport back for me, plus my money

and old phone. I was able to sneak back home while my mother was gone and pack up as much

of my stuff as possible. Ren gave me some extra money and now I’m here. The reason it took so

long was because I didn’t want to get your hopes up about me coming back, and then I am

unable to. I didn’t want to make anyone feel bad for what my mother had done either. It was a

rough year emotionally, but hey! I’m here now.”

Rowan hugs Ellis, giving him a tight squeeze, before looking at him in the eyes.

“You mean the world to us. If you leave again, I will cry.”

“I don’t plan on leaving again. There’s nothing my mother could do to get me to go back

home anyway,” Ellis smiles and moves from the chair to be in between Rowan and Wyatt.

For the rest of the day, the three watch new movies they were unable to watch together

and catch up. Bear drags his dog bed into the room and lays down in front of the unlit fireplace.

The next morning, Rowan sneaks into Ellis’s room and shakes him.

“El.. Wake up. I need to tell you something important.”

Ellis wakes up and looks at Rowan. He seems confused at first, but smiles when he

realizes who is shaking him.

“Hi Ro.. What do you need?”

Rowan sits down on the bed, playing with a loose string on the end of his hoodie sleeve.

Ellis sits up and keeps his gaze fixed on Rowan.

“The morning you left, I wanted to tell you something. Something I suspect you already

know,” Rowan says.

“Mm.. What is that? I know a lot of things,”

Rowan rolls his eyes and looks at Ellis.

“I really like you. I have for a long time but I never knew how to tell you. Now that I

have gone a whole year without you, I don’t think I can go any longer without telling you that.

You mean so much to me, El.”

Ellis nods, taking in the information before responding.

“I did know that. So did my mom, and my friend who told my mom, and my little

brother. Josh said he wants to be invited to our wedding.”

Rowan laughs, resting his head against Ellis’s.

“God.. I wish I told you that sooner,” Rowan says

“I don’t think it could have changed much, honestly. I already had a feeling you did, or

that might have been hopeful thinking. Either way, I’m glad we feel the same way.”