A Confident Woman at Work

I

A Confident Woman at Work

ii

A Confident Woman at Work

By Julie Farmer

III

A Confident Woman at Work

Copyright Š 2018 First Published in Great Britain 21 February 2018 by myPA Business Ltd. The right of Maria Tempest to be identified as the Author of the work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patent Act 1988.

All rights reserved No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the author, nor be otherwise circulated in any kind of binding or cover other than that in which it is published.

ISBN: 9781980473312 Publishers Address: Brunel House, Volunteer Way, Faringdon, SN7 7YR

iv

A Confident Woman at Work

Contents Introduction....................................................... 1 Your right to assertiveness ............................... 4 What is Assertiveness? ..................................... 7 Assertiveness and Acceptable Behaviour ....... 15 What is Confidence......................................... 27 Recognising Low self-confidence .................. 43 On feeling and being confident ...................... 59 Assertive, aggressive and submissive ............. 72 Polishing up other communication skills ........ 86 In conclusion ................................................. 103 Definitions .................................................... 105 Index ............................................................. 108

V

A Confident Woman at Work

Introduction Hello, and welcome to ‘Confident Women In the Workplace and Being Assertive’ or put another way, ‘Becoming and Being: A Positive Journey to Assertiveness, Confidence and Awareness in the Workplace’.

Many of you may be arriving at this book from a place where confidence and assertiveness either does not exist or is extremely low. You may have lost your former sparkle, feel out of touch with the real you or suffered confidence-knocking setbacks in or out of the workplace. You may have been bullied by colleagues, your boss or family members. Alternatively, you just want ‘more’.

On the other hand, you may be working with colleagues and management who are ‘difficult’, and it 1

A Confident Woman at Work

can be hard to pull yourself up. You may find your coworkers aggressive. You may believe/you may think that they have hidden agendas or feel that they just know how to ‘push your buttons’. You may find their approach to work (even to life) is incompatible with your own or they have different morals and needs from their working environment.

The environment you work in could be hostile, uncommunicative and managed poorly. Whether it is just one unique element or a number of them combined, one thing is for sure - they do nothing to help you shine, stand out and make you feel like a success and that your job is worthwhile and a joy to undertake.

For others, you may be reading this book as a reminder of key points you have already learnt.

Perhaps you are a little rusty when it comes to assertiveness? Alternatively, maybe you need a refresher so you can apply confidence boosters to your new circumstances? If this is the case, we hope you can quickly recap and reintroduce the critical information and skills, as well as taking in some new tips and techniques that you can slot into your working day.

Choosing to read this book means you have taken a proactive first step - from here we will lead you towards a positive approach to life in the workplace. Through assertiveness and confidence training you will learn how to handle yourself and others without fear of emotional outbursts. You will be able to assess where and how you need to change your behaviour to get the best results for you.

Although learning new techniques can seem tricky and scary at first, rest assured you have absolutely nothing to lose by trying them. In fact, you can only 2

A Confident Woman at Work

gain. At times you may feel uncomfortable employing different ways to speak to colleagues, asking for help, delegating or signing up for something new. This is to be expected. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are embarking on a great journey that may have a few bumps along the way. There may be some setbacks, but on the whole, you will be making changes to yourself and for yourself. Hopefully, you will find that, as the journey continues, the bumps become smoother and that you may even have time to wind down the window and take in the view.

Assertiveness skills and confidence-boosting techniques are all within your grasp. Today is a good day, and as good as any, to make a start. A start to get you to be the best you can be, the person you know you are inside. The strong, confident person that is waiting for you to open the door and let her out - so let’s get down to business!

3

A Confident Woman at Work

Your right to assertiveness In our first chapter, we will look at the term assertiveness, gain an understanding of what it is and look at ways of incorporating it into your behaviour at work. By using these assertiveness techniques, you will not only change how you act but also how you feel.

These changes will have a positive influence both on how you see yourself and on how others see you.

Remember any change can be scary, but together we can make sure you are going to be the person you want to be.

We will also assess your current behavioural pattern at work and determine whether it shows assertive, passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive traits. For example, some people are assertive (confident) but only at certain times or with certain people. Whereas other people, may show passive tendencies all of the time or use passive-aggressive techniques to get their point across.

4

A Confident Woman at Work

Our central message throughout this chapter is not to worry about being or becoming assertive. We know that people have unique ideas about what being assertive is. Some people do not feel it is something that they can ‘wear’ or are unsure whether it is acceptable behaviour for women or even for certain work roles. We will look at these issues and help you to understand that being assertive will not only benefit you but those with whom you engage. Being assertive isn’t a bad thing, you are not going to change your entire personality or become someone you do not like or want to be around. Instead, you are going to be the person you are meant to be.

One thing to remember, throughout this chapter and indeed, this book, is that it is useful to relate this information to you, your workplace and previous situations you have found yourself in. If you have experienced the feeling of being downtrodden, ignored, overlooked or even bullied, use those moments as the fire needed to feed the flames of change. However, don’t dwell on these feelings, we do not want you to relive the emotional side effects they may have caused.

We want you to recall the feelings you had before, during and after the events. We want you to use those events to learn from and then change how you react in the future, how you process them and importantly how you will no longer let people take away the person that is you.

Finally, remember that whatever you learn about assertiveness in the workplace can also be applied at home, in your relationships, with family and friends and in other situations. Let’s get started.

5

A Confident Woman at Work

A Mini Warm-Up Let’s start with a little warm-up to see how much you currently know about assertiveness. Select the words that you think are associated with being assertive.

• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

CALM PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MANIPULATIVE OPEN GOOD LISTENER RESPONSIBLE APPRECIATIVE CONTROLLED RESPECTFUL EQUAL TO OTHERS SCAPEGOAT JUDGEMENTAL EMOTIONAL COLD DELEGATOR CLOSED IRRESPONSIBLE HOT-HEADED HONEST UNAPPROACHABLE STUBBORN

We will come back to these words at the end of this section.

6

A Confident Woman at Work

What is Assertiveness?

The Collins English dictionary defines the word assertive as: Someone who is assertive states their needs and opinions clearly so that people take notice.

Assertiveness means: Getting your point across.

The Collins’ definition above is a helpful starting point but one that definitely needs to be expanded.

Assertiveness can be defined as many things and comes in a package with lots of ingredients. This first definition indeed states that being assertive is standing up for your rights (or maybe that of someone else). As is the case with all the ‘ingredients’ – there are ways to get your point across without bringing emotions into play. Therefore, our first ingredient is that ‘assertiveness does not involve shouting, acting hysterically, crying or slamming doors’. In being 7

A Confident Woman at Work

assertive, you get your views across clearly and remain positive and calm throughout.

This can indeed be difficult if you feel very passionate about a topic or issue. Taking deep slow breaths, counting to five or taking a step backwards or even stepping out of the room all help in keeping you in control. When you feel that you are losing control of a situation select one of the above to regain your composure and then and only then, continue with the conversation, communication or action.

Assertiveness means: Being open.

By being assertive, you are open and honest about how you feel about a situation. By doing so, you prevent yourself from harbouring grudges and ill feelings against the person who has asked you to do something or said something to you.

For example, if your boss has asked you to stay late to finish a report. In this scenario, you have the option to discuss the matter with your boss. Staying calm and focused but expressing your concern about the lateness of the report and how you could, in future, alleviate the urgency of the report by discussing the deadlines and setting target dates for completion. Using positive language and an understanding of the time constraints placed on both of you.

Alternatively, another scenario would be feeling bitter about the drafted email that was sent back to you with a list of changes. Although this can be frustrating, 8

A Confident Woman at Work

it should also be noted that your boss has read the email and by making changes, they are not criticising your work but trying to enhance the information contained in the email. It is important to remember that when you write an email, you are using your voice; your boss also has a voice, and they may wish the communication to be changed to their voice. There is nothing wrong with having a piece of work altered/corrected. It is not a personal attack on you; it is a joint effort to ensure the communication is effective and conveys the correct message.

In being assertive, you will also need to maintain a balance, which will mean that you need to mirror being open about your views with being open about another people’s beliefs. Often delivered via opinions and suggestions.

Assertiveness means: Using listening skills.

By being open to others’ views you also need to be prepared to listen. There are a number of different ways in which we listen. Listed below are three of the most important ways of listening: •

Passive Listening – Listening to someone telling you about a project that they would like you to do but half your mind has wandered off to thinking about tonight’s dinner.

9

A Confident Woman at Work

• •

Active Listening – ‘Being in the moment’.

Listening to every word being said and ignoring any other event or distraction within the office.

Reflective Listening – Listening to what has been said and then repeating back what you understand the person needs or wants. This is a very powerful tool in your arsenal. Repeating again what you have heard will also reaffirm to the speaker what they have said.

Do not underestimate the value of a good listener; it has become a skill that we take for granted and rarely do to our full capabilities. To be assertive is to be ‘in control’ and to be in control, you need to be a good listener.

Okay, so an assertive person can get their point across calmly and positively, is open about her/his feelings about work matters and positively welcomes others’ thoughts and feedback. They have listened and taken in all the information that the speaker has given, are fully aware of what is expected and can make reliable judgements based on this.

Assertiveness means: Not being afraid to say ‘no.’

Saying No is one of the hardest words to say in the English Language. It conjures up feelings of inadequacy, lack of control and selfishness. What it should mean is that you are taking control, not being 10

A Confident Woman at Work

walked all over and are standing up for yourself, which is to be respected.

For example, your boss asks you to do an audio transcription, but you have already got a hundred things on your to-do list. Taking on this task (number 101) is going to push you over the edge. The big thing here is not to say ‘yes’ to something that you cannot do – this is people pleasing. Come 5 pm and the transcription is either incomplete or not started, your boss will be far from pleased. Sometimes, being assertive means saying ‘no’ no matter how scary this may seem.

However, there are ways to say ‘no’ and ways to say ‘no’. An assertive ‘no’ is one that comes with reasoning and possible suggestion. In this case, it could be: ‘I can only do this by 5 pm if I leave the other work you have given me until tomorrow’ or asking what the deadline for the work is and explaining your current workload.

This is where you have to be honest and true to yourself and your abilities to undertake the task.

Assertiveness means: Being able to delegate.

Delegation is often a task or choice that is feared. It can be seen as a failure to complete a task or a lack of time management. However, delegation in a working environment happens all the time. You may not put a name to it, but just think, if you post a letter what are you doing? You are tasking the postal service to deliver your message (letter) to someone of your 11

A Confident Woman at Work

choosing. You delegated the delivery of your communication.

If you are working flat out and unable to meet your boss’ demands, delegation could be the solution.

Remember delegation is not ‘passing the buck’ it is a skill. Delegating shows, you can act and plan responsibly because you are able to pass work to an appropriate person, leaving you the time and resources to get on with other, more important tasks.

Delegation is not passing a task to someone below your pay grade; it can happen to someone who is equal to you or above you. Let's take another example. Your boss has asked you to type a letter. You type the letter, and it has been printed and ready for a signature.

Giving the letter to your boss is a form of delegation.

What you are saying is, I have now completed my part of the task, and it is now over to you to read my work, confirm it is correct and then sign the bottom of the letter so that it is ready for the post. You have delegated a task ‘up’ the chain of command.

Being assertive is getting quite detailed, isn’t it?

There’s a fair bit to juggle, but many of these points go hand-in-hand.

Assertiveness means: Admitting mistakes and apologising.

As you are a human, this means you are likely to make mistakes. Everyone does, even your boss! The key to this is to recognise your mistakes, learning from them and being able to apologise properly. By properly 12

A Confident Woman at Work

we mean in a respectful and self-controlled manner (no waterworks or hiding in the stationery cupboard). If you find a mistake before anyone else, don’t hide it and think that no one will ever notice. Mention it before anyone finds out and correct it. If you are discussing the mistake with your boss, suggest some solutions that they can choose to help rectify the error.

Assertiveness means: Recognising that you are an equal.

Being assertive is ultimately recognising that you are an equal. Yes, your job title may not be the same, you may have different duties and work with various colleagues, but it does not make you a smaller or a lessvalued person. You cannot and should not be walked over or spoken to in a belittling manner (just as you would not behave in that way to a colleague). You are just as crucial to the business as the next person.

Everyone has an input to make the business work, and everyone is equal and should be respected for the role he or she plays in the organisation.

To sum up, being assertive looks like this: • • •

You know your rights – you know others’ rights too You are able to get your point across in a calm, controlled and positive manner You standing up for yourself does not upset you or others 13

A Confident Woman at Work

• • • • • •

•

You are open to expressing your wishes and feelings about something and encourage others to do the same You listen thoroughly and use that information to create a dialogue You understand and agree to your responsibilities You understand that at times you may need to delegate and that delegating is not a sign of weakness or inability You appreciate the things that work well and any help or input you receive You remain controlled in the workplace and don’t carry around resentment or ill feelings about a person or a situation. If you have these feelings, you face them You are equal to every person at work and accept that, and understand we all have different work roles to fulfil

Now, going back to the words that you noted at the beginning, how many fit into our description of assertiveness? Perhaps there were a few that you missed or ones that you mistakenly thought were not related to assertiveness? There’s no score to add up, and neither do you need to hand it in. Just consider this a small part of your fact-finding mission.

14

A Confident Woman at Work

Assertiveness and Acceptable Behaviour A feeling that continually crops up when dealing with assertiveness, and in particular, assertive women, is that it should not be something women should aspire to. It may seem very old-fashioned, but to this day some people think that by being an assertive woman it will make her appear ‘bolshie’, ‘above her station’ or not stereotypically ‘passive’.

Out-dated or not, these thoughts do not come about by accident. They come into being and take their roots in our conscious and subconscious through our belief system. We form many of our beliefs in our childhood: through our parents, family and friends. Our beliefs may change, we may create new beliefs when a new influence is added, for example, work. (New beliefs may also be created by marriage/relationships, parenthood or greater knowledge of politics, religion or higher education).

Traditionally, the generation(s) of women before you, had a more defined ‘female role’ which we would 15

A Confident Woman at Work

now consider to be subordinate. A woman back in the 1950s may have been the ‘stay at home wife’, or the 24/7 mother. Alternatively, the working woman is depicted as the pencil-skirted secretary who doggedly followed her aggressive male boss, papers falling to the floor in her panic. This is a sweeping generalisation, and it does not mean that all women were unhappy.

However, what it does show is a very different image to the one we know as women in the 21st Century.

Assertiveness is not a feminist movement, and it is not the opposite of being ‘feminine.’ Being assertive is any person’s (male or females) choice of behaviour that allows them to be heard, seen, respected and understood.

Another misconception is that assertiveness levels should correlate to a person’s position or role. Again, this is not the case. Perhaps you think that being a PA or VA to the Vice President of a global corporation means that you are somehow beneath them?

Alternatively, you feel that your opinions or feelings about work issues are not as relevant as theirs? Despite the differing pay packets; when it comes to working and our place in the pecking order, there should only be one truth, that of self belief and understanding that you are the best you can be. You are true to yourself and providing a quality service that you, in the first instance are happy with.

We are all equal, and regardless of our role, we need to be able to carry out our duties without a feeling of resentment or being down-trodden. Another way to look at it is that everyone is part of a team. A team that has the company’s best interest at heart and that wants the company to be a success. In any team, there is a 16

A Confident Woman at Work

leader and a coordinator. A netball team will have a captain and deputy, is there any difference? They are just titles.

Going back to the list of words at the beginning of the module. If you were to categorise all the words that fall under being assertive would you put them in a POSITIVE or NEGATIVE attributes column? They are all positive, right?

Interestingly, would you be able to term any of those words as being dominantly FEMININE or MASCULINE? Hopefully not, but if you did think some words were more feminine or masculine have a think about why. How did you arrive at that answer? It can be clues like this that show us where our deeprooted beliefs come from and help us to redefine them.

We hope that you are beginning to see how being assertive is a positive attribute that everyone is entitled to wear. Whatever your pre-conceived thoughts were about women’s roles and their roles in the workplace from now on we would like you to take on board that being assertive is your right. It is how you should feel, how you should want to feel and from now on what you will strive to feel.

Some examples of assertive dialogues To help you to get a good handle on assertiveness, it is useful to practise situations at home before you are in the ‘hot seat’. You can either talk things through in your head or have a conversation out loud.

We have included some example dialogues below, so you can get an even better feel for assertiveness in the workplace.

17

A Confident Woman at Work

With a colleague: (depending on how you feel/your plans): Colleague: You: 1.

2.

3.

4.

Do you mind covering the phones for me at lunchtime? I have got to get a few bits at the shops.

Yes, I do mind. I did it yesterday and the day before. How about asking someone else? (You have listened, and you have spoken openly and honestly without aggression).

Sure, no problem. I am happy to do it today, but it is your turn tomorrow.

(You are showing that you are pleased to help but that the lunchtime phone duty has to be shared fairly).

I can do it for half an hour, but then I need to go out. (You are listening to their needs but also asserting your own).

No, it is not my turn today. (It is to the point, and it is not a complaint).

With a boss: (depending on how you are fixed with other work): Boss: You: 1.

18

I need this work back by 2 pm at the latest.

I have other work to do that you gave me this morning. Does this take priority?

(You have listened to the urgency and are dealing with the problem.)

A Confident Woman at Work

2.

3.

There’s a lot to do here. I know I will not be able to finish it all by 2 pm, but I can aim to get it finished by 3.30pm.

How does that sound? (You are being honest and offering a solution.)

No, I cannot do this by 2 pm as I have a lot of other work. I will delegate to Helen and oversee it. (Again, you are not submitting to a boss. If their expectations are unreasonable or off track, it is best to say so at the start.

Delegating shows, you are able to find responsible solutions to the 2 pm deadline problem.)

With a colleague: (depending on how well you are getting on with your work): Colleague: You: 1.

2.

3.

I think you would be better off using this application to do your work.

Thank you for showing me. I really appreciate your help. (Acknowledging and accepting support is key to assertiveness.)

Thanks for your help. I am going to finish it the way I know, but perhaps you can show me the application later? (You are acknowledging their help but getting on with it in your own way for the time being.)

I appreciate your thoughts on this, but I do not agree. (You are standing your 19

A Confident Woman at Work

ground. You do not have to agree with everything and everybody all the time.)

With a boss: (depending on how proficient you are with the work): Boss: I would like this new work done ASAP. Thanks.

You: 1.

Okay, let me have a look through it, and I will come back to you with any questions before I begin. (Open to new work not afraid to ask questions).

2.

I am happy to do this, but you will have to show/explain to me how. Can you take 10 minutes now to talk me through it? (Again, you confirm that you are open to trying new types of work and are not afraid to ask for help or questions.)

3.

This is new to me. I am going to ask Helen to show me how to do it. (You are honest about your work capabilities and about asking someone for help.)

TIP: Start thinking about assertiveness as an accessory that you carry with you to work. You know how you’d never leave home without your laptop, notepad or checking your diary? Put assertiveness on that list too.

In time, being assertive will become a habit but to form habits, you need to practice continually.

20

A Confident Woman at Work

How Assertive Are You? After reading the information above, you are probably getting a good understanding of how assertive you are. To help you examine where it is you need to put assertiveness into practice take a look at this table below.

Indicate how comfortable you feel in each of the following situations: 1 = you feel uncomfortable 2 = you feel reasonably comfortable 3 = you feel very comfortable 1

Speaking or asking questions at a meeting.

2

Commenting on being interrupted at the time it happens.

3

Stating your views to an authority figure.

4

Entering and leaving a room full of people.

5

Speaking in front of a group.

6

Maintaining eye contact when in conversation.

7

Being competent and using your authority without labelling yourself impolite, bossy, aggressive for example.

8

Asking for the service you expect when you have not received it (e.g. in a shop).

21

A Confident Woman at Work

9

Being expected to apologise for something and not doing so since you feel you are right.

10

Requesting the return of borrowed items without apology.

11

Receiving a compliment and saying something to acknowledge that you agree with it.

12

Receiving a refusal of a request.

13

Not getting approval from a significant (to you) person.

14

Discussing another person’s criticism of you openly with them.

15

Telling someone they are doing something that is bothering you.

16

Refusing to do a favour when you do not want to do it.

17

Turning down a request for a meeting.

18

Telling a person when you think they are trying to manipulate you.

19

Expressing anger when you are angry.

20

Arguing with another person.

21

Responding with humour when someone tries to put you down.

22

A Confident Woman at Work

22

Talking with humour about the mistakes you have made.

Total score:

If there are areas where you score three, you are to be applauded. Acting assertively is a great asset to you and your working environment. However, where did you score yourself with one and two? Are you uncomfortable turning down requests? Alternatively, perhaps you shirk from asking questions in meetings, even though you are unsure of something?

With your past experiences in mind, go through the areas you scored one or two and rethink them using what you have learnt about being assertive. If it helps, write down the dialogue from memory, talk it through with yourself or just mentally note where, in future, you need to put your practice into action.

This can be a bit of a daunting task. Don’t worry if you only score 1 or 2. There is nothing wrong with that. The changes you will be making over the next few weeks will help you to change the score to a 3. It all takes time. Remember any change is scary for you as an individual, but those around you also must change.

They will be changing towards you and your new assertiveness. They will also have to re-evaluate how they act, speak and work with you.

23

A Confident Woman at Work

TIP: Try using the word ‘I’ in your sentences rather than passing the buck and using ‘you’. By using ‘I’ you ‘own’ the words, facts and feelings. For example, ‘I am unclear how you want this project presented’ is asserting your thoughts. Whereas, ‘You have not told me how to present this,’ puts the emphasis on the work colleague.

More assertiveness techniques As you can see, when it comes to assertiveness there is a lot to think about and remember. Don’t put yourself under too much pressure and expect to know everything from the word ‘go’. The three techniques (below) will be useful tools during the times you are getting used to being assertive in the workplace and, once you have got more of a handle on it, it will enhance the other skills.

Fogging The clue is in the name. By fogging, you throw up a mist of unexpected words which agree with the speaker and reiterate what they are saying. By doing so, you blind them, thereby dissipating any tension and preventing a situation from escalating into a row.

Boss: You:

24

I asked you to finish this work by 3 pm, it is now 4 pm.

You did ask me to finish by 3 pm, and I have been unable to.

A Confident Woman at Work

Boss: You: Boss:

Well, what time do you think you will be finished by?

I need another half an hour.

Okay, let me see it as soon as you have finished.

The Stuck-Record Sometimes it pays to persevere – but only in a calm manner. Assertiveness means you can stick to your point and get it across, even if it takes time. Remaining calm implies that you do not allow your emotions to get the better of you or let the situation move in a direction that you are unhappy with.

Helen: You: Helen: You: Helen: You:

Can you do the phones over lunch? I need to go out.

No, I cannot. I am meeting someone.

But I need to go out.

It is not my turn, and I am meeting a friend.

Well, who else could do it?

I am not sure, but I am going out.

Dealing with Praise and Comments (positive and negative) If your self-esteem is low, it can be particularly difficult to cope with feedback whether it is positive or negative. Part of being assertive is an openness to other’s opinions. Of course, that does not mean you cannot query them or question them, after all by doing, so it helps you to understand their feedback and use it in the future.

25

A Confident Woman at Work

Helen: You: Helen: You: Helen: You: Helen: You: Helen: You:

I loved your PowerPoint presentation, it was awesome!

Thank you. What in particular did you like about it?

The graphs were really clear. The way you used the different colours really helped to make the results stand out.

Okay, thanks. I will remember to do that again, with the next presentation.

That PowerPoint presentation was not your best.

Oh really, what was wrong with it?

The font you used was too small. I really struggled to read it even when it was enlarged.

Okay, thanks for letting me know. Next time I will make sure to use a larger font.

Try anything above size 20.

Great tip. Thanks.

In summary Being assertive is not always a natural response.

Instead, it is one that we can learn and use as a new technique or one that we need to develop. By being assertive, we are able to control how we respond to stressful situations. While it takes some practice to change how we act, being assertive has many benefits for ourselves and our work situation. Assertiveness is not exclusive to specific sexes, roles or individuals.

26

A Confident Woman at Work

What is Confidence

QUOTE: ‘Ability is what you're capable of doing.

Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.’ Lou Holtz, American Football player, coach and analyst.

What is confidence and why do we need it in the workplace? It can help if you try to think about the MO in MOtivation as being linked to the ones found in MOve and MOjo. To be motivated means that we MOve forwards, feel excited, driven and enthused about the things we do. Moreover, MOjo, well, that is something you either have or had (don’t worry, if it is lost it can be found again). Having your MOjo is what puts the spring in your step, and your keeps your workday on the best footing.

27

A Confident Woman at Work

Why do we need motivation in the workplace?

Working without motivation feels like continuously walking uphill. It is a slog. After a while it becomes a struggle, later that struggle becomes an epic battle and one that everyone around you invariably ends up both witnessing and suffering.

What if you are motivated in your work? Well, that feels completely different. Despite the difficulty some challenges may bring, you are able to push on up to the top of that hill. Having reached the peak, you may well pant and mop your brow, maybe even throw in a couple of fist pumps but pretty soon you have recovered enough to take on the next one.

We are sure that the second analogy is how you would like to feel about work. A motivated worker is willing to take on challenges and face what the day ahead brings. However, some factors can impact our motivation levels, some of which may be out of our control (like your boss, your co-workers or even the environment you work in). However, for now, the most significant and most important motivating factor that you can control is YOU. Tip: ‘New start’ doesn’t have to be related to the 1st January, a Monday morning or any other key date. You can make it happen any day you like. What about today? What about right now, this very minute.

28

A Confident Woman at Work

What are your motivating factors?

Even though you may think you know yourself well, how much attention have you ever paid to what motivates you? Have you weighed-up why some work days are better than others? Can you put your finger on five things that are your top motivating factors?

All people operate differently, so the things that motivate one person in the workplace are going to be different to what works for you. What works for your co-worker, your boss, your friends and your family members may seem to you about as motivating as watching paint dry.

What good does recognising what motivates us do?

By tapping into the things that make you ‘tick,’ you will gain the most from your time at work. You will be focused on putting in your best work, maintaining effort and achieving results. Results that make you feel good.

Who knows, they might also get noticed by your seniors too?

Tip: Want to feel motivated? Try reading books or watching movies about motivational characters (real or otherwise). It could give you the boost you need to get up and go for it. For example, the movie Erin Brockovich with Julia Roberts or Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire. If you like to read, The Compound Effect by Darren Hardy!

29

A Confident Woman at Work

Music is a great motivator and one that we seem to forget as we get older. Just think of the energy you had dancing to songs like ‘Prince Charming’ by Adam and the Ants or Footloose from the film of the same name.

It can be any song from your youth.

Finding your motivation factors What motivates you? Take a moment to think about the following list of possible work motivators. If you can think of more, then add them to a piece of paper.

After you have looked through the list try noting the top five that you feel are your primary motivators.

Possible work motivators • Pay – a monthly pay packet drives you to succeed and work hard • Prestige – you enjoy the feeling of respect and admiration you receive for doing something well • Results – you thrive on achieving results and having a solid testament to your hard work • Interaction with others – you enjoy talking to and communicating with a wide range of people • Team building – you are driven by working as part of a team rather than working alone • Relationship building – you get excited about working alongside people regularly enough to be able to build friendships • New skills – you enjoy the challenge and rewards of learning new things • Deadlines – working to deadlines brings out the best in you 30

A Confident Woman at Work

• • • • • • • • • • • • •

Networking – you love mingling with and making new contacts – broadening your workplace relationships Regularity – you find satisfaction in the pattern and conformity of your work Irregularity – you enjoy the challenge of no two days being the same Incentives – having an incentive makes you work harder (e.g. Reward systems, staff perks and treats, lunches for example) Responsibility – you enjoy the responsibilities that you are given and hope for more Respect - You relish gaining respect for your hard work Leaders – you are led by one (or a few) who motivate and inspire you Competition – you thrive on proving that you are the best person for your job Advancement – the prospect of moving up the career ladder spurs you on Goals – you work at your best when goals are put in place (both long and short-term) Acknowledgement – praise and positive feedback brings out the best in you Failure – the fear of being seen to fail or do poorly at something spurs you on Security – the certainty of having and holding down a job keeps your motivation high

31

A Confident Woman at Work

TIP: It may help if you think of a perfect working day (it does not need to be the job you are currently doing).

Write a list and explain why it was so perfect. What were things in the list above relevant to that day?

Alternatively, think of an awful day – what motivation factors on the list above were missing from it?

You may have found it difficult to think of the five motivating factors on the spur of the moment.

However, we hope that it has at least started to set you thinking about your motivation focus in the workplace.

To take this process one step further it can be helpful to look at your whole working week rather than just one day. As you go through your week, make a note (written or mentally) of the positives as they happen.

Think carefully about the driving force behind these positive feelings. Did your boss take time out to praise you for your work? Did you meet a deadline? Did you and a work colleague have a friendly chat? All these things, albeit some of them seem very small, can make a massive difference to our motivation levels. If we tap into what these factors are, we can shift our focus towards them and significantly increase our motivation levels.

QUOTE: ‘The older you get, the more fragile you understand life to be. I think that’s good motivation for getting out of bed joyfully each day.’ Julia Roberts, actress.

32

A Confident Woman at Work

The difference between being demotivated and unmotivated We think it is important to stress the difference between being demotivated and unmotivated as they are telling when it comes to how you feel in your workplace. If you are demotivated, it suggests that at one time you were motivated. This, in turn, suggests that something about your work has caused you to feel ‘stale’. On a positive note, feeling demotivated indicates that if you were once motivated, it might be possible to reignite these feelings.

Unmotivated, on the other hand, suggests that you have never been motivated in this particular workplace.

This could be because of unusually lousy management, or you realised on Day One that this job was not for you. Regardless, the obvious solutions are to seek out areas where you can begin to feel some motivation or alternatively, consider looking for a job that is more suitable to your requirements.

What demotivates you?

Just as we found out what motivates us in the workplace, it is equally as important to find out what demotivates us. Why? So, we can prevent or avoid repeatedly falling into the same trap. What are the things that make your days feel long and drawn out?

Alternatively, frustrating and unfulfilled? Take a look at the examples of demotivating factors listed below and see which ones apply to your current work. If you have other demotivators that are not on this list add them to one of your own.

33

A Confident Woman at Work

Possible demotivating factors Micromanagement – your company ‘over’ manages staff and it leaves you feeling that your work is not good enough or that you are not trusted.

Disengagement – are you fed up with the company’s general attitude? Do you feel like you ‘go through the motions’ every day but without any sense of pride or achievement?

Bad management – your manager(s) ignore yours or other staff members’ feedback and ideas, fail to recognise your successes and achievements and that there is a general lack of spirit amongst you and your fellow workers Immaterial thoughts – if you feel like the work that you do doesn’t count or matter then that begins to demotivate you and impacts future work Restrictive rules - the limitations of a company’s rules make you feel exasperated, imprisoned and overly controlled. You find policies on holiday entitlements, Internet use and office-hours policies particularly restrictive.

Job insecurity – when you are worrying that your job is under threat you are unlikely to present your best work. Uncertainty about redundancy, company closure and office takeovers do nothing to boost motivation levels.

No confidence in leadership – when the people in charge of the company you work for show inadequacies and unprofessional qualities it is far from motivating.

Unheard – Who would feel motivated when their voice, opinions and ideas are ignored or overlooked?

34

A Confident Woman at Work

Poor communication – when communication is minimal it leads to filling in the gaps, often incorrectly and always negatively.

Unpleasant co-workers – Do not underestimate the effect of working with people whom you dislike and do not respect. This makes one’s working life particularly unpleasant.

Poor performers – Nobody is going to work at their best if they put in 100% effort yet the person sitting next to them is slacking (and gets away with it)!

TIP: It may seem paradoxical but helping others actually increases our own motivation levels. If you have mastered the 3D copier, why not show the person who is struggling with it? Assisting others helps to boost our feel-good response and motivates us.

Steering away from demotivation Dealing with demotivation is a crucial time to use the assertiveness skills that you learned in Chapter 1. If for example, co-workers are unpleasant then maybe now is the time to deal with it? So, if Joe from accounts continues to make his offensive jokes perhaps now’s the time to have a quiet chat with him? Alternatively, if you feel that the communication in the company is to the detriment of motivation levels try to find out who is responsible for newsletters or posters. Maybe even take up the reins?

35

A Confident Woman at Work

Try to differentiate between demotivation that you feel now with any that you have thought in the past.

Why? Because not all demotivation is the same. If, for example, you were once demotivated because there was a lack of company feedback, don’t expect to feel the same if you are now demotivated because your boss has removed the staff incentive package. The key is to accurately identify the areas that are causing concern.

Don’t panic, if all this sounds like too much to take on, just focus your attention on your motivation factors.

In a few weeks, when your mojo is back up and running, you may feel able to take on those demotivators.

Moving towards motivation You know what motivates you so now it is time to aim your focus at introducing these factors into your daily working life.

Talking to your boss: Try discussing the motivating factors with your boss (this does not mean walking into their office with a list of what motivates you and leaving it to them to work out how to implement it).

Instead, it is a pivotal time to use the assertiveness skills you have already learned, coupled with your understanding of your motivating factors. For example, you could suggest that from now on she/he gives you work with deadlines attached, or that she includes you in any further training or education courses. Maybe you can ask to be more involved in weekly meetings, so you feel more connected with your colleagues?

Alternatively, that your work is tailored in a more goalorientated fashion?

36

A Confident Woman at Work

Talking to colleagues: This is an excellent opportunity for those of you who find networking spurs their motivation. How about setting up regular meetings with fellow PAs and secretaries where you can discuss office procedures, start co-sharing work or provide each other with help and advice?

Planning: Creating to-do lists and a daily schedule not only shows that you are organised but helps you see what you need to achieve on that particular day. Some people really ‘get off’ on crossing things off a list!

Move the goalposts: If you enjoy a challenge, this one is for you. Set up challenges and remember to keep refreshing by shifting the goal posts now and then. For instance, one week you may focus on getting all of the customer's queries answered by a Thursday midday rather than Friday morning. Alternatively, you might try to type out meeting notes on the same day rather than leaving them to the following morning. These challenges will keep motivation levels high.

Try something new: If fear is the only thing holding you back from trying new things be thankful.

Yes, thankful. Fear is conquerable, and when you have pushed past your comfort zone, the rewards are enormous. If you are worried about presenting to your fellow secretaries because you have never done it before, just do it. Accepting that fear is part of life and can be overcome opens up more possibilities and each time you do something new you will feel motivated to keep trying more and more.

Journal your achievements: Keeping a written track of your accomplishments is a useful tool to ensure you keep trying. We would recommend that at the end of each day note down five things that you are pleased 37

A Confident Woman at Work

with that day. These can be little things from accepting a cup of coffee from another member of staff to completing a task by the given deadline. Imagine the satisfaction of filling a page with all of your accomplishments especially for those days when things may not have gone so well. You have the opportunity to flick back over your list of achievements.

Find a mentor: There’s bound to be somebody in your office whom you admire and respect. A mentor can help you to see your full potential and share their highly-prized skills. If you do ask someone, it’s a good idea to think through what areas you’d like them to help you with. If you can’t find a mentor within the office see if you can find one outside the office. Join a society or online group of people that are in your field of work.

You could try LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or any number of federations.

Celebrate the good times: We all have days that are better or worse than others. Rather than getting down in the dumps when something goes wrong turn your focus to the good days. Every time you achieve a goal or deadline consider it as a reason to celebrate. We don’t mean getting out the balloons and party poppers (unless it calls for it) but you can reward yourself to a slice of cake, spending your lunch hour in a café with a friend, window shopping or getting a takeaway for dinner rather than cooking. Just remember to mentally note what it is you’ve accomplished and why you’re celebrating.

Life balance: Lots of people overlook the link between motivation at work and what happens outside work hours. If you’re tired, unhealthy or stressed these niggles could play out in your performance in the 38

A Confident Woman at Work

workplace. Looking after yourself is critical. It’s surprising just how many successful and high-powered businesswomen and men are in-tune with this idea of life balance yet so many lower down the ladder are not.

So, make sure you’re getting enough sleep, add some exercise into your day (possibly before work begins) and keep stress levels low by taking the time out to relax, meditate and spend time with your family and friends.

Mindfulness for motivation: Many have found success at work using simple mindfulness techniques.

This doesn’t involve any closing of eyes or crossing of legs, so there’s no way anybody in the office would know when you’re ‘in the zone’. When we think mindfully, we are merely focussing on the here and now. This means we are not dwelling on things that happened in the past or imagining a future where we haven’t finished the email or presentation on time.

It may help if you use mindfulness at the start of the day to channel your thoughts in the right direction.

This could be that you arrive at your desk, sit down and think about what you are trying to achieve on this particular day. It might also be an excellent idea to round off your day at work by mindfully noting what you’ve accomplished.

Meditating for motivation: Don’t worry, we are not suggesting that you meditate in the workplace but rather that you try to incorporate it into your morning routine before you get to work. Here’s why: • It can help to refocus the mind which leads to increased motivation

39

A Confident Woman at Work

•

Allows you to let go of any negative thoughts rather than replaying them over and over in your mind • Can change negative thinking patterns and enables you to put a stop to them • Can reduce anxiety and feelings of depression and, in many cases, eliminate these feelings entirely • Creates a new ‘space’ in your mind where you can start to explore new ideas, feelings and thoughts • Connects and possibly reconnects you to higher levels of emotions. This can mean an increase in feelings of happiness, love and companionship but perhaps more relevantly, help you to feel that you can cope, allow you to feel better about yourself and feel motivated For more help and details on how to meditate look in books, online or see if there are any classes taking place in your local area.

Visualisation for motivation: Like meditation, visualisation takes some practice. However, if you commit to it regularly, you will soon settle into a pattern that allows you to achieve great focus.

Visualisation is a technique used by elite athletes and high achievers to reach their desired outcomes.

Visualisation can activate your subconscious and trigger feelings of possibility where before there might have only been doubting and disbelief. Of course, if what you’re visualising is unrealistic it will lead to disappointment, so keep your desired outcomes challenging by all means but within the realms of reality. When it comes to working, you might like to 40

A Confident Woman at Work

visualise successfully completing a project, or having two stress-free weeks at work before you can take your planned holiday.

To use visualisation for motivation: • Be in a place where you can relax and close your eyes. First thing in the morning or last thing at night is probably the best time.

• Let your brain focus on what you are trying to visualise and try to let other thoughts leave.

• Create a picture in your mind of the ‘outcome’ that you are hoping to achieve. See yourself as if you are the star of your own film. Watch yourself working towards the outcome (so, if you wanted to visualise completing a project, try to see yourself working and checking things off a list until the last item on the list is crossed out).

• Repeat the process every morning/night until the outcome is achieved in real life.

• Create a new outcome and use visualisation daily.

For more help and details on how to use visualisation techniques look in books, online or see if there are any classes taking place in your local area.

Exercise for motivation When you’re feeling low, frazzled or like you just can’t be bothered the last thing you probably want to do is to exercise. However, if you get out and start moving, you’ll feel so much better both mentally and physically. We are not suggesting you run a marathon but trying to lay down a fitness goal can be an excellent boost to motivation levels in all areas of life.

41

A Confident Woman at Work

Exercise gives our thought patterns a much-needed rest and allows us time to recharge mentally.

Exercising with a friend or work colleague is a great way to make sure that you keep to your goals and helps to strengthen and create bonds.

Tip: Think bite-size. If you see that project looming over you as ‘one whole’ you’re bound to feel negative about all the work that has to come. However, if you take it apart and deal with a small piece of the project at a time, it’s far easier to keep yourself motivated.

Finally, if you’re reading this and think that your demotivation extends beyond work, then you could be experiencing some form of exhaustion or even depression. Consider taking some holiday and/or seek the opinion of your GP. In summary We all lead busy lives and rarely have the time or the inclination to consider which work factors motivate or demotivate us. However, we’ve learnt in this module that if we do take the time to review what does and doesn’t drive us, it can be used to bring about motivation. By steering yourself towards the factors that motivate you, you are creating the best scenario for the happy work and lifestyle balance that you deserve.

42

A Confident Woman at Work

Recognising Low self-confidence Embracing it and building on it Confidence: The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust. Oxford English Dictionary Why do you need to be confident and why do you need it in the workplace? As you can see from the definition above, confidence is a feeling where you can rely on or have faith in someone or in something.

Feeling and being confident enough to fulfil or at least try to perform your duties in the workplace is crucial, as without any confidence you will be in a continuous state of worry, fear and anxiety. Perhaps that’s how you feel right now? Do you worry that your capabilities are limited? Too scared to branch out and try something new? Maybe certain people within the workplace make you feel uncomfortable or put you under pressure? If so, you probably view a confident working life as something that’s only possible in dreams.

43

A Confident Woman at Work

If low self-confidence is your enemy, we have some good news. In this chapter, we tackle how to manage self-confidence or rather, a lack of it. We will discuss how low confidence levels can actually be beneficial in some circumstances and how planning and preparing are vital tools in helping you to face your confidence issues in the workplace. Let’s get started.

The difference between assertiveness and confidence It’s a common misconception that confidence and assertiveness are one and the same. Instead, assertiveness, as we’ve learnt previously, is the way you communicate towards someone or something. It is how you conduct your words and thoughts in a situation(s). Confidence, on the other hand, does not rely on any communication through speech or words nor does it rely on using assertiveness. Confidence is twofold; it is how a person feels about something they are doing (also known as self-confidence) and when a person has trust in someone or something else (usually outside of their control).

Confidence can also be a little bit crafty as it can be ‘manipulated.’ While you may believe that somebody is confident in a task or situation the honest truth is that only he or she really knows. This, believe it or not, is great news for those with low-confidence as even if we don’t feel confident doing something we can ‘fake it’ until we ‘become it’ and only you will ever know the truth!

Here is an example: 1. Helen is due to give a presentation to her boss about the findings of an office appliance survey.

Inside she is feeling extremely nervous, so much 44

A Confident Woman at Work

so that her tummy is flipping and multiple thoughts are racing through her mind. Her main worries are that she feels uncomfortable ‘presenting’ in front of her boss and is worried the content of her presentation isn’t up-toscratch. If she could be anywhere else right now, she would. Regardless, she takes a deep breath, pulls herself up tall and marches into the office with a confident-looking smile on her face.

2. You see Helen on her way into the presentation.

You see her pull herself up tall and march in determinedly. You think: ‘Wow, Helen is confident. She must have this presentation nailed. Good for her.’

What you see on the outside isn’t necessarily a reflection of what’s happening on the inside. Is that a problem? No. Not if it helps Helen get through her presentation. More on this later.

Finally, while you do need a level of confidence to act assertively, you do not need to be assertive to feel confident.

The difference between self-confidence and selfesteem While we are comparing behaviours, we might as well point out the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem as these two are often confused. As you know, self-confidence is having the belief and trust in your abilities and levels of it can change depending on what it is that you’re doing. For example, you are confident that you’ll pass an exam because you’ve put 45

A Confident Woman at Work

in hours of hard work and know the subject like the back of your hand. Whereas you may have low selfconfidence in your ability to fly a plane as you’ve never taken a lesson.

Self-esteem, on the other hand, measures the amount of love or regard you have for yourself. If your selfesteem is high, you like or love yourself. If your selfesteem is low, you typically believe that you ‘are not good enough’ such as when you’re in a bad relationship.

Confidence myth 1: ‘Some people ooze confidence.’

Yes, they may well appear too confident, but it’s not necessarily how they feel (see the example with Helen above). So, although looking confident and feeling it can be interlinked, they can also be about as far apart as chalk from cheese.

Identifying where you have low self-confidence in the workplace To help you move forward on a path to great confidence, it’s essential to recognise areas where your confidence is low or even non-existent. Try to think of three situations in the workplace where you have experienced unusually low self-confidence. Perhaps you were asked to present the findings of an office survey to your work colleagues? Or, you were asked to use a new computer program? Or you had to arrange a conference for 100 delegates? It doesn’t matter what the task was – big or small – this exercise is about

46

A Confident Woman at Work

identifying areas and what it is in particular about those areas that made your confidence levels dip.

If you need some assistance, try reading through feelings typically attached to low self-confidence: Feeling nervous - Do you find yourself worrying or feeling nervous as you enter the workplace? Is the smallest task you’re asked to do enough to make you feel scared?

Loss of skills - When you started at your current workplace you felt comfortable dealing with customer enquiries, answering the phone or covering for another PA when they were on holiday. Now, you don’t think that you can cope with these situations.

Voice tone alters - Does your voice change tone when you’re speaking with work colleagues? It may revert to a high-pitched tone or become monotone.

Loss of physical co-ordination - Low confidence can play havoc with coordination. You may be clumsy, trip over or drop things more often than you do at home. Sometimes, when you try hard not to be clumsy, it just seems to escalate it even more.

Shaking - Do you start to shake when a particular work colleague approaches your desk? Or begin shaking when you have to enter a room full of work colleagues?

Twitches - Involuntary twitches are a sign of nervousness and anxiety and are sometimes called nervous ticks.

Stutter - Like a nervous tick, a stutter may be involuntary and brought about by the pressure of a situation. A person may already have a stutter and be able to control it in normal circumstances but finds

47

A Confident Woman at Work

when they are nervous the usual techniques do not work.

Eye Movements - Low confidence can make it difficult for people to hold eye contact. They may also stare at one place, avoid looking in a particular area or at anyone else in the room.

Not listening properly - The rush to get out of a situation or away from a person prevents a person from listening properly. It’s a kind of self-preservation response, but it is very ineffective.

Breathing quickens - Fast-paced panting is associated with the body’s fight or flight stress response.

Mind races - If a person is experiencing low selfconfidence it is challenging to stay focused on one task.

Their mind may jump from one subject or task to another.

Ignore instincts - Even though an inner dialogue may be telling the person that they’re not doing the right thing they ignore their instincts and carry on regardless.

Block out thinking - This is very much a headsdown and just get on with it survival approach even though they haven’t really ‘thought through’ the situation.

Sluggish energy levels - Getting out of bed is the first of many challenges. Continually yawning, finding it difficult to summon up the energy to move around, declining social activities etc. because they don’t have the reserves or the will to summon up the energy.

Forget information - People often forget things because they have so much going on in their continually racing minds. One thought drives out 48

A Confident Woman at Work

another, and before long you have forgotten what you were doing, when and how.

Change of body posture and language - A person with low self-confidence will tend to shrink their bodies and tuck their heads down. Even when standing, they adopt a slouching pose or lean against something for support. They may cross their arms and legs and hold cups to their facial area or folders or documents to their chest to form a barrier.

Low self-esteem - If you love yourself, you will have a high level of self-esteem. If you think you are a failure and can’t achieve anything your self-esteem will be low. Your confidence has a knock-on effect on your level of self-esteem.

Feel a failure - There’s an obvious link between low self-confidence and feeling ‘A failure’.

Reading this list may be painful for you, especially if you are acknowledging feelings you have experienced in the workplace. Painful as it may be, becoming aware of what knocks our confidence is key to building it up.

Using what we know doesn’t work for our confidence levels and how this makes us feel forces us to find ways to eliminate and avoid repeatedly falling into these traps. If you still need help thinking of three situations try these examples for a prompt: • Did you lack confidence because you were set a new task?

• Did working in a group make you feel unconfident?

• Did you receive negative feedback? Were you left to work something out on your own?

49

A Confident Woman at Work

With your three situations in mind, you can use the rest of this chapter to reflect and plan how you will conquer similar situations when they arise in the future.

How to use your low self-confidence To prepare: You may be surprised to learn that you can use low self-confidence to your benefit. As we said above, by identifying the areas where you experience low self-confidence in the workplace can help you to prepare yourself for the next time a similar situation occurs. For instance, you may be asked to transcribe an audio document yet your grammar and spelling skills are rusty. Instead of trying to avoid these situations and getting Helen to do all the work, why not be prepared by updating your computer with a grammar checking APP? Find out if your office manager is arranging any at-work courses, take an online course, buy an e-book, borrow a book from the library, Google… You get the message. Prepare yourself for the circumstances, and you avoid the ‘rabbit trapped in the headlights’ scenario.

To guide you: Low self-confidence can sometimes be a very helpful guide that avoids us getting into all sorts of scrapes. For example, if your boss asks you to do something that you have never done before, like booking a conference, it would be foolish to rush in and book something without at least some investigation.

Instead, listen to what your confidence levels are telling you. If you’re worried, seek advice from Helen or an associate who has booked conferences before. They can fill you in with any useful info you may need to know. Use this experience to guide you in the future.

50

A Confident Woman at Work

To drive you: It is common knowledge that people with self-inflated high-confidence are usually misguided. They tend to have such a strong sense of self-belief that they think there are no barriers to their abilities. Realistically, of course, this is not the case, and they may trip up – rather spectacularly. On the other hand, a person with low self-confidence tends to work harder at a task as they doubt their abilities. If you doubt that you are capable of doing something, but you really want to do it, you will work harder and hopefully make a success of it. Once achieved, you can use that sense of accomplishment and carry it with you to your next task.

Confidence myth 2: ‘Some people appear to be confident all the time.’ This ‘look’ is usually a smokescreen. Unless they have a cape under their clothes, they are still human and prone to the occasional moments of self-doubt.

Who prevents you from being confident?

Having started to think about your self-confidence issues you may find that there are one or two people in particular that keep springing to mind. These are the people who alter your confidence levels (in a negative way). There are four different types of people who regularly affect our confidence: 1. Yourself 2. Difficult work colleagues 3. Poor managers 4. Friends and family 51

A Confident Woman at Work

Let’s explore these further.

1. The saying: ‘you’re your own worse enemy,’ is definitely the case with low self-confidence. Yes, you may be uncertain of something and a little worried (that’s perfectly natural), but our inner dialogue very rarely stops there, does it? Instead, the inner dialogue continues, knocking out any glimmer of confidence you may have felt.

2. Your workplace will host a mixed-bag of people with different personalities – that’s what makes it ‘interesting’. However, it’s also what makes it difficult at times too.

3. Your confidence is also affected by the attitude of your boss, managers and team leaders. If these colleagues lack the managerial skills needed to create a positive workplace, based on open communication, your confidence will repeatedly be bruised and battered.

4. Not all friends and family are made the same. If you have a domineering family member(s), or ones that ‘know better,’ it can shatter any confidence you do have. Their dominance tends to reign and is carried into many aspects of your life.

How to cope with these people The good news is that even though you may be your own worst enemy, you’re probably the easiest person on the list to tackle. A first step is to acknowledge that low self-confidence is natural and often a very sensible emotion that gives us a nod when we’re out of our comfort zone.

Listening to your inner voice and the dialogue that it plays inside your head is a helpful way to address low 52

A Confident Woman at Work

self-confidence. If you are able to detect a negative thought pattern and stop it in its tracks, then you allow your mind and body to remain or return to a calmer state. For example, you may be asked to present the findings of an office survey to your co-workers. Your inner voice may say: ‘I don’t want to do this, I’m going to mumble the words or say them wrong and everyone is going to laugh or snigger at me. My boss will think I’m a complete idiot; he already thinks I am so this is...’ and so it goes on.

Using a ‘STOP’ technique to block your inner dialogue interrupts thought patterns that knock your confidence. In this situation, the same dialogue may sound like this: ‘I don’t want to do this; I’m going to mumble… STOP!’ With practice, you will get to the stage where you are able to stop your inner dialogue at ‘I don’t want to do this…’

By stopping these thoughts, you give yourself the time to take a few deep breaths and relax. While it’s not a magical cure (it can’t fix a bad presentation or type up a new one) what it does do is give you the thinking ‘space’ to present your work in a better mental state.

When you work with colleagues, who’ve never heard of the word ‘compromise’ you face plenty of challenges. Perhaps they have dented your confidence with their stubborn approach to shared-work? Or you’ve locked horns so many times that you now tuck your head down? You have two choices here: either let them continue to walk all over you or, approach the situation differently.

Give your ‘problem’ a chance to talk about why they can’t share a job, or why they need to do things in their 53

A Confident Woman at Work

‘particular’ way. Rather than immediately going on the defensive, reconfirm what it is they are telling you. For instance, ‘So, you’re saying that you are unable to help because you feel your other work takes priority?’ Just repeating their words is sometimes enough for them to really hear what it is they’re saying.

Otherwise, if talking gets you nowhere, with a bit of forward planning, you may like to write down your issues relating to their lack of compromise. It’s your priority to keep calm and make sure everything you want is said (even if it’s not via your mouth). This way you have the issues written, and they can read them at a time when they are calm and not wearing their stubborn head.

It takes training, experience and yes, a certain degree of confidence to become a great manager. Plenty of reasons why your boss may not be the best! If you find them bullying, unreasonable or aggressive towards you, your best defence is to be prepared. By making sure you are well-equipped to deal with their demands you can prevent ‘quivering wreck’ syndrome. If you know, they like to have their emails organised and prioritised by 9.30am don’t start looking through them at 9.29am.

Secondly, make sure you understand what is required of you. If in doubt – you are entitled to verify.

Make certain you understand the timing/deadline for the work, any formatting issues, and its purpose.

Rightly, but more often wrongly, there is a certain amount of freedom within families to express and vent.

If your confidence is knocked by a family member, who does this a little too often, you could suggest meeting for a chat over a coffee or a walk in the park. Try to keep it subtle and friendly rather than the ‘bull by the 54

A Confident Woman at Work

horns’ approach. Similar to dealing with difficult work colleagues, if you feel you need to, write down a list of your concerns that they can look over in their own time.

Confidence myth 3: ‘My confidence was knocked out of me in childhood.’ Freud acknowledged that our adult confidence levels are inherited at an early age.

However, it is possible to use low confidence to your advantage – as a driving force and one that you can build upon.

Low confidence scenarios in the workplace and how to improve them Let’s take a look at some workplace scenarios and how you can manage them.

Scenario 1: The office presentation Your boss asks you to present the findings of an office survey about the kitchen and bathroom facilities on your floor. You will be presenting using PowerPoint and a large screen. You will be facing your boss throughout.

Let’s face it, inside you are bound to be feeling nervous, anxious even. Not only is this the first time you have done such a task but your PowerPoint presentation will be on display on a large screen where any typos or poor grammar will be on show.

Key step: Prepare No, before you suggest it, crumbling in a heap on the floor, running sobbing to the bathroom or asking Helen 55

A Confident Woman at Work

to do it are not possible options. Instead, you need to manage both yourself and the situation by being fully prepared.

Understand what it is you’ve been asked to do, get to know the data you are dealing with (your boss may ask you a question that is not on the presentation slides) and if needed, refresh your knowledge of the presentation application (take an online PowerPoint tutorial so you’re up-to-date with all the latest updates). When your presentation is ready, make sure to run a program through it to spell and grammar check. Finally, complete at least one thorough run-through, including speaking out loud and using a pointer.

Scenario 2: The new task Your boss asks you to book a conference venue with a room set-up for 15 attending delegates and 10 virtual ones. You also need to arrange a buffet lunch and afternoon coffee. This is the first time you have organised a conference.

Key step: Guide Your confidence levels will be low as this is something ‘new’ to you. Rather than panicking, try to let your feelings guide you. What are your nerves telling you? They’re preventing you from rushing in and making a mistake. So, think and plan your approach to this task. Does your office have a facilitator who usually arranges the large, executive conferences? Perhaps Helen has arranged a similar conference before? Can you Google venues? Venues certainly won’t mind receiving calls from interested

56

A Confident Woman at Work

parties so you could phone a few and find out what’s on offer.

Rather than seeing this as a time that you’ll fail think about it as an opportunity to learn and to shine.

Scenario 3: The non-compromising colleague and a joint project Your stubborn co-worker is refusing to do their share of a joint project stating that they have other work to do. You feel that you can’t make a stand with them as they always ‘win’ arguments but you are, at the same time, struggling to meet the work deadline.

Key step: Drive When it comes to dealing with difficult colleagues, it can take a lot not to ‘lose it’. In this case, the coworker is continually walking over you and taking advantage. Use your low-confidence to drive you. You don’t want to miss the project deadline, so you’re going to do something about it.

Arrange a meeting between you and your colleague where you can voice your concerns but also hear what their problems are. Try to deal with the situation in that meeting rather than letting it drag on. If, however, you feel particularly uncomfortable about speaking with them in such a manner try writing out what you want to say so that you don’t falter. Use it as a prompt.

Remain calm.

Hopefully, the result of a face-to-face talk will be positive (it may not be immediate as the stubborn bull may need to snort a few breaths before they back down). This will boost your confidence levels for any future meetings with them.

57

A Confident Woman at Work

Confidence myth 4: ‘I have lost my confidence and can’t get it back.’ You may have a knockback or two and feel that there’s no way to recover but just like that proverbial horse: you need to get back on. If you think about confidence as a ladder, you can start climbing again by taking small steps.

In Summary It’s natural for your confidence levels to have peaks and troughs; just as it is to be more confident in some areas than others (these tend to be the areas in which you are competent). What you don’t want to feel is that you only experience troughs. A proactive approach to low-confidence is required. Being prepared, facing your concerns and talking things through can help you to move forward to a more positive place.

58

A Confident Woman at Work

On feeling and being confident There’s no doubt about it, we all need a degree of confidence to be able to live our lives comfortably, happily and without constant fear of failure. The difficult thing about confidence is that it’s mostly up to you and how you feel. So, guess who’s got to do something about it? In the last chapter, we discussed how low confidence could be used to our advantage. In this chapter, we build on this and tap into any areas where confidence already exists. By using a variety of techniques, including transference, you will learn how to expand upon specific areas of confidence and spread them into a wider range of situations and roles in the workplace.

What areas are you already confident in?

Let’s get started by looking at the positives – confidence is, after all, a positive and healthy commodity. Find a piece of paper and a pen/pencil and write the number 1-10 down the column. Write a word/s beside each number that describes a skill or 59

A Confident Woman at Work

something you are capable of in the workplace. Don’t worry; only you need to see it so only you need to know what it means. It can be anything: 1: Good listener 2: Typing 3: Keep work up to date and so on.

These 10 skills are a useful base for us to use as our springboard for this chapter. Our goal is to identify areas where you have some confidence (even if it’s only a teeny amount).

Now, just as we did in the last chapter with feelings of low confidence, take a minute or two to think about three situations in your working life where you have felt confident. Try to remember the circumstances surrounding the events and how they made you feel.

For example, your boss gave you a typing assignment and, knowing you’re a speedy and accurate typist; you were confident that you could get the job finished by the deadline. Or, maybe you were asked to show a group of visitors around the office, and you enjoy that aspect of your role? Perhaps you were asked to book some meeting rooms for your boss, and you’re a whiz at using that particular appointment planning APP? QUOTE: “You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through.’

Rosalyn Carter, First Lady Don’t overthink this and please don’t worry what your achievements are and if they’re too small or trivial to be worth noting. This exercise is very much a case 60

A Confident Woman at Work

of every moment of confidence counts. If it helps, imagine building a tower out of sugar cubes and stacking each cube on top of the other, it doesn’t take long before you’ve got some ‘height’. The same applies to confidence.

When we take notice of a ‘positive’ (in this case where our confidence lies), we are enforcing it in our minds. If you continue to do this, you create an internal momentum where you begin to notice more moments.

A positive attitude is at the core of feeling a healthy level of confidence - so embrace any glimmers of it – no matter how small.

QUOTE: “When I'm not feeling my best I ask myself, 'What are you gonna do about it?' I use the negativity to fuel the transformation into a better me."

Beyoncé Knowles, singer What words do you associate with confidence?

With the three confident occasions in your mind try to find the words below that match up with how you felt or behaved at that time.

Interested - Motivated - Focussed – Approachable Energetic - Feeling good - Improved posture - More energy - Physical co-ordination - Creative thinking Forward thinking - Able to develop – Determined Strong - Can ask for – Respectful - Influencer The words you have identified are feelings and actions that we want to transfer to other areas of your working life. Just imagine what you would be capable of and how much happier you would feel if you were able to take the ‘motivated/feel good/strong’ feeling you had when you booked those meeting rooms and 61

A Confident Woman at Work

were able to apply them to a job or situation that you currently don’t feel so confident about?...

QUOTE: “I always did something I was a little not ready to do. I think that's how you grow. When there's that moment of 'Wow, I'm not really sure I can do this,' and you push through those moments, that's when you have a breakthrough. Sometimes that's a sign that something really good is about to happen. You're about to grow and learn a lot about yourself." Marissa Mayer, former CEO of Yahoo Transferring your confidence into other areas Identifying the areas in your working life where you are confident (which tend to be ones where you are competent and able) can help to spread confidence in other areas of your life. The key to transferring confidence is finding similarities between activities.

Say, for example, you are really good at using the meeting room booking APP, the fact that you can use that means you’re likely to be able to use a different APP for booking train tickets or hotel rooms. Try to avoid being too rigid with this technique - there’s no reason why you can’t be a little creative with the similarities that you find.

Here are some more confidence transferral techniques: Move out of your comfort zone: Sometimes the only thing holding you back from trying something new is YOU. If there’s something that you really want to try/see/explore but keep putting it off, why not make today the day? The second hardest part is actually getting the ball rolling. So, if you decide today’s the 62

A Confident Woman at Work

day you’re going to put your name down for the Spanish course – ask your facilitator TODAY. If what you want to do requires money – start a savings plan TODAY. If it requires assistance from a work colleague – pluck up the courage and sound them out.

Yes, you’ve got it – TODAY! Be prepared: Everything you have learned in your life was once new to you. If you are worried that you’re not ‘up to the job’ or that you may fail at a new task the best thing you can do is to be as prepared as possible. If you know that your boss is implementing a new email system, try to read up on it beforehand or check out YouTube to see how others are using the system. Your goal is to be one step ahead. If you mastered the meeting booking APP by trial-running it a few times, do this with every new APP, software or package that is introduced into your office.

Embrace your fears: You will have read a thousand motivational quotes on Facebook, scrawled across the wall of your local coffee shop and in this book. One of most regularly mentioned words in association with confidence is fear – or rather, facing it. Looking ‘scary moments’ in the eye and not running away is a sure-fire way to not only boost your confidence levels but also expand your knowledge base. Remember, familiarity is an excellent way of overcoming that scared feeling you may experience when doing something new.

Share your knowledge: Be the person in the office who took the time to find out how the new email system works before it was implemented. You can then share your knowledge with your colleagues. Not only does this give your confidence levels a boost, but it also shows your work colleagues that you’re a 63

A Confident Woman at Work

proactive member of staff and someone they can have confidence in.

Look the part: You may think it’s shallow to be overly concerned about your appearance, but image plays a significant role in confidence and how we are perceived by other work colleagues. If you already make an effort to dress well think about how you can tweak your image to add more impact. It might mean getting a new haircut, a smart handbag or cleaning up your shoes. Taking real care and thought about your appearance not only makes you feel good, but it projects information about you to others.

Think about your body language: People make subconscious decisions about others before they even open their mouths. Your body language is precisely that: ‘a language.’ It is all telling, even though it often reveals a very different story to the one that it is happening inside. If you have some confidence issues, your body language can help to give you a boost. For instance, just a few power poses before work or changing the way you stand cannot only project a more confident image but also make you feel more confident on the inside. For more on body language and other non-verbal skills see Chapter 6.

Speak clearly and slowly: If you mumble or talk too quickly it’s not only difficult for the other person to hear but gives the impression that you’re unconfident about the subject matter. You may feel uncomfortable and embarrassed to speak louder and slower, but it has a massive effect on how you are perceived. Try taking deep breaths before you begin talking and be conscious of keeping your voice clear, steady and at an even pace.

64

A Confident Woman at Work

Keep positive: Easier said than done, right? It’s difficult to be cheery and sparkling with positive rays of light when under the surface you’re struggling.

However, if you are able, try to stop negative thought patterns and damaging self-speak as soon as you notice it starting. The more often you use this technique, the quicker and easier it will become to notice the pattern and prevent yourself from spiralling down.

Furthermore, while you may be trying your hardest to keep positive, that doesn’t mean others around you are doing the same. Do yourself a favour and try to avoid people who have a tendency to be negative, pessimistic and gossipy.

Remember your manners A person who is quiet or uses few words can sometimes be mistaken for being rude, arrogant or as showing a lack of interest. This is ironic as most of the time this is about as far from the truth as you can get.

You can show that you are interested in what a person has to say without having to use your words. To do so, engage with eye contact, listen carefully and acknowledge what they say with nods and smiles. If all else fails and you feel that you’re stuck for conversation, simply ask them questions. By asking a person questions, you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say, and it takes the pressure off you doing all the talking.

QUOTE: ‘Success breeds confidence.’ Beryl Markham, aviator

65

A Confident Woman at Work

The difference between feeling and looking confident One of the rules of confidence is not to compare yourself with others. As confidence is a feeling that is inside us, it is impossible to really know how a person feels, especially if they have mastered confidence techniques such as body language.

Remember, it’s possible for people to appear as overly confident. These people often go over the top to deflect any suspicion that they are, in fact, lacking confidence. The point we’re trying to make is that you’re aiming for a healthy level of confidence that makes you feel good. While techniques can help you to look and feel more confident, it’s probably not a great idea to have to fake it all the time. Instead, you want to build up your confidence and retain it.

QUOTE: "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another stepping stone to greatness."

Oprah Winfrey, TV presenter Dealing with difficult people and situations One of the critical areas where confidence comes into its own is being able to deal effectively with difficult people or situations in a calm and relaxed way.

Knowing that you have the right to reply, your opinions are just as valid and important. In the workplace, this may mean work colleagues and/or with customers.

Firstly, if there’s a difficult conversation to be had you need to get on with it. Dragging it out with preamble and pleasantries does not help; in fact, it’s frustrating and can heighten tension. So, if, for example, you are called into the office because your 66

A Confident Woman at Work

boss is unhappy with the way the materials were handed out at the team conference you need to approach this matter directly.

That said, when the conversation does begin in earnest, do not underestimate the power of listening.

Use your listening skills correctly, and you will be able to take in the relevant information.

If you are under any attack from a work colleague or customer, it is always best if you can be the one to remain calm. If needs be, take deep breaths to allow yourself the time to calm down or try counting slowly from ten down to one in your head – or possibly both.

Do whatever it takes to stop you from rolling up your sleeves and jumping in or falling to the floor and sobbing uncontrollably.

Rather than interrupt, be respectful of the speaker by allowing them to finish what it is they have to say/rant about before replying. Interrupt them, and it is likely to turn into a slanging match. When it is your turn to speak, take responsibility for your actions and your beliefs. To make this clear adopt sentences that begin with ‘I think’ or ‘I understand’ as this is a far more effective way of making your point rather than stating ‘You are wrong’ or ‘You haven’t heard the other side…’ which has an element of the pointed finger.

If you can, try to imagine the scenario from the other person’s perspective – put yourself in their shoes. If your boss is annoyed that the survey results were incorrect or late (even if it isn’t your fault) try to think of what the implications are for him/her.

If you can, speak slowly and clearly and refrain from shouting or crying. In an ideal world, you’d like to

67

A Confident Woman at Work

leave this situation with your dignity intact and be seen as remaining under control throughout the situation.

It can help if you are able to think about the conclusion to this ‘episode.’ Would you rather it was sorted out amicably, and both parties are able to move on? Yes. So instead of allowing a dark cloud to hang over your head and blacken any other potential interactions with this particular colleague/customer, it’s best if you can resolve the situation on the spot.

When the time is right, you want both parties to be able to ‘walk away’ with the feeling that the issue has been adequately dealt with. Even if you were not to blame or just happened to be the person who took the brunt of the fallout, try not to take it too personally.

QUOTE: "Just believe in yourself. Even if you don't, pretend that you do and, at some point, you will."

Venus Williams, tennis player Confidently answering calls, emails and texts In an office environment there are plenty of occasions where your main channels of communication will be via email, phone or text messaging.

Furthermore, these interactions are often with people you have never met in person. Just as with face-to-face conversations most of the same rules apply: • Listen to/read thoroughly what it is they are asking or saying • Prioritise urgent matters • Understand your objectives • Reply in a suitably respectful manner • Avoid using capital letters and bold fonts throughout an email or text 68

A Confident Woman at Work

• •

Follow through with any further action required Consider adding a personal touch – if they are customers/clients that you regularly email you could try adding a friendly question or comment at the end of the message to build up some rapport.

Other ways to grow your confidence We learned that confidence is transferable.

However, there are a few other ways in which you can boost your confidence.

Keep a gratitude diary If you need to give yourself an extra nudge in the positivity department try using gratitude in your daily life. Writing down three things that you feel grateful for every day has been proven to not only make you appreciate these things but to be able to identify more things to be grateful for (you develop an eye for gratitude).

Find other confident people Confidence is contagious - you can probably think of at least one person at work who exudes a comfortable, happy, confidence - these are the people you need to be brushing up against. What is it that they do? How do they act? How do they interact? Try to study how they ‘work’ and if you can, try implementing some of their techniques into your day-to-day working life.

Set yourself goals (and mark them off) It can be a real boost to your confidence levels if you have some solid goals to work towards. They could be learning to use a new spreadsheet, improving your typing speed or taking a grammar course. Make a list and enjoy the feeling of crossing them out once you’ve 69

A Confident Woman at Work

achieved them. Don’t forget – keep adding to your goals and try to apply a ‘learning is for life’ attitude when it comes to your work and your role.

Face your fears (not hide from them) Sometimes fear is a sensible precaution, but all too often it is unnecessary and more a matter of having to push through your comfort zone. Whenever you do manage to face your fears make sure to reward yourself in some way and acknowledge what you have achieved.

Every step that you take and every fear that you face will embolden and enrich your confidence levels. In the eyes of your colleagues, you will be the type of person they have confidence in.

Change any bad habits (and form some good ones) It can take weeks to break bad habits. You may need to take one bad habit at a time – unless of course, you don’t have any at all (in which case, feel free to shine your halo). Identifying your bad habits and doing something about them is immediately beneficial as it gives you an impetus to carry on. Say, for example, that you have a bad habit of turning up late to work.

Try to break this by dissecting the habit and working out which areas you need to adjust. Yes, you may need to set your alarm clock for twenty minutes earlier than you usually get up, but you may also need to think about going to bed earlier and possibly making your packed-lunch the night before. On top of this, you might like to think about how you feel when you’re late. Do you rush into the office and feel immediately stressed? How much better will you feel and be able to conduct your day without this unnecessary stress?

Create and follow through on a to-do list

70

A Confident Woman at Work

In an office environment, there’s always a list of things that need doing that either get pushed to one side or that nobody is prepared to take responsibility for.

Things like: clearing up the scrap paper around the printer; the business cards that need to be indexed or even emptying the office fridge. We are not suggesting that you take on all the horrible jobs that nobody else wants, but maybe picking up one of the ‘bum jobs’ will encourage another person to pick up another? Once you start crossing things off the list, you will feel a sense of accomplishment plus you will be seen by others as being proactive.

In Summary We wouldn’t be surprised if you’re looking at this chapter and thinking ‘wow, there’s a lot to do.’ You’d be right. The good news is that each element of building up your confidence can be bite-size and accomplished over a period of time. You’re not expected to turn up at work tomorrow and feel immediately confident. The best you can do is to practice implementing these tips and techniques into your life as and where you see fit. Be warned, at first it may seem awkward or unnatural (you’re breaking bad habits and stepping out of your comfort zone) to speak louder or ask to enrol on a Spanish course, but over time things will get easier.

It’s also worth stressing the point that in terms of confidence what you put in will eventually feedback to you. If your colleagues and boss see a positive work attitude, they will have confidence in you. This confidence plays out in how they address and treat you, which in turn boosts your confidence levels.

71

A Confident Woman at Work

Assertive, aggressive and submissive behaviours in the workplace You come across and interact with a wide range of people in the workplace. Each has their own unique way of communicating and naturally, not all of these methods will be effective, productive or compatible with your office environment. A good few of your colleagues, bosses and management will not be assertive. Instead, they may consciously or subconsciously choose to use aggression to get to where they are today, most likely intimidating and stonewalling other people and their ideas to make sure they are ‘heard.’

There’ll be other people in the workplace who give in to aggressors and fail to stand up for their ideas and beliefs. Even within non-hostile environments, those who use submissive behaviour, either consciously or subconsciously prefer not to put their point of view across because they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’.

72

A Confident Woman at Work

TIP: You can’t necessarily choose who your co-workers are, but you can choose to try to get along. Be friendly, be polite and give them a fair chance.

Of course, if we really wanted to explore the reasons why people behave in the way they do we’d have to delve deeper into psychology. For our purposes, it’s a fair guess that the aggressive individuals in your office act the way they do because it’s either engrained in their psyche, they don’t realise they do it and/or they’re unhappy, frustrated and stressed. Whereas the submissive personalities, who choose to avoid facing their fears, conflict and stepping out of their comfort zones, do so because their confidence levels are nonexistent and therefore their self-esteem is too.

As we read in Chapter 1, being assertive in the workplace allows you to be comfortable stating your own opinions and remaining open to hearing others. In this chapter, we are going to compare and identify assertive, aggressive and submissive behaviours.

What does assertive, aggressive and submissive behaviour look like?

This table lists the attributes of each behavioural type. If you can think of more words to add to any of the styles, please feel free to write them down on paper.

As you read through the list see if you can identify any of your tendencies and note which list they appear in.

73

A Confident Woman at Work

ASSERTIVE Receptive Firm Focused on issues Talks things through Seeks compromise Separates fact and fiction Asks how others feel Asks others’ opinion Direct and sincere Rational and logical Avoids emotional reactions AGGRESSIVE Shouts and swears Belittles Harasses Bullies Talks over people Lacks enthusiasm SUBMISSIVE Overly apologetic Hides and avoids Always agrees Rambling sentences Lacks enthusiasm

Threaten Dominates Sarcastic Wants own way Interrupts Criticises constructively Withdrawn Puts themselves down Overly keen to please Few ‘I’ statements Changes their/ones mind a lot

Uses avoidance techniques Having read through the list were you able to notice where your current workplace behaviour fits in? As you can see, the assertive column is filled with positive attitudes and attributes that are logical ones to use in a workplace environment. Not only does assertive behaviour enable you to do your job effectively, but it also lays the foundations for a more harmonious and effective working environment. Who wouldn’t prefer 74

A Confident Woman at Work

to be working in an office, for example, where there was a positive attitude among the workforce rather than arguments, high emotions or people afraid to speak up?

TIP: Discussions about your personal views on politics, religion or sexuality should be avoided in the workplace.

What we do know, from what we’ve read in Chapter 1 and perhaps from any assertiveness you’ve tried to apply since reading this book, is that assertiveness isn’t straightforward, mainly because it can seem unnatural.

We are not naturally born assertive, and it is something that we need to work on. This work is made harder by the fact that you may be dealing with a boss or other work colleagues who are aggressive or submissive.

We have all experienced times in the workplace when emotions are running high. It is often all too easy to slip into answering aggressively or to retreating back to your desk and keeping your opinion to yourself.

However, if you continue to use either of these behaviours on a long-term basis, you run the risk of not only feeling stressed and possibly depressed, but your work colleagues will also mentally label you as either a ‘hot head’ or a ‘walk-over’.

We know that it takes a significant degree of control to remain assertive when you’re dealing with difficult colleagues or situations. Especially when being assertive does not mean you are instantly heard and understood. In all likelihood, you may choose to act 75

A Confident Woman at Work

assertively but the person you’re having problems with doesn’t even know the word exists.

For the sake of a quick recap, here’s what we discussed in Chapter 1. Being assertive is when: • You know your rights – you know others’ rights too • You are able to get your point across in a calm, controlled and positive manner • You stand up for yourself in a way that doesn’t upset you or others • You are open to expressing your wishes and feelings about something and encourage others to do the same • You listen fully and use that information to create a dialogue • You understand and agree to your responsibilities • You understand that at times you may need to delegate and that delegating is not a sign of weakness or inability • You appreciate the things that work well and any help or input you receive • You remain controlled in the workplace and don’t carry around resentment or ill feelings about a person or a situation. If you have these feelings, you face them.

• You are equal to every person at work and accept that, be that as it may, we all have different work roles to fulfil

76

A Confident Woman at Work

QUOTE: ‘Good manners are cost effective. They not only increase the quality of life in the workplace, they contribute to employee morale, embellish the company image, and play a major role in generating profit.’ Letitia Aldrige, etiquette expert and social secretary to Jacqueline Kennedy Submissive behaviour If we look at submissive behaviour, we may find ourselves recognising the stereotypical role associated with women and, in particular, women in admin and office support roles. Being submissive is not something that you want to aspire to. If you are constantly submissive at work you will feel and be mistreated, undervalued, resentful, stressed, and anxious. And as for enjoying your work? Not a chance.

A typical workplace dialogue involving a submissive PA may go something like this: VP: PA:

VP:

I’ve just got a heap of urgent work that I need you to finish by tonight. You don’t mind staying late, do you?

I would like to…um, I think that should be okay. (Voice getting softer) Um, I, I think I can. I’ll have to, to, err, check that my husband can be back … (talking over last response) Good.

Right, I must get on.

This PA might as well lie down on the floor so she can be walked over like a doormat. The VP, noting her submissive tone, was able to ignore her uncertainty and, as there was no definite yes, or no, took the words and 77

A Confident Woman at Work

fitted them into a response that he/she wanted to hear.

In this case, the PA is staying late.

Let’s be clear; we know this is an overly exaggerated example and implies that the VP is ill-equipped in the assertiveness department (their communication skills such as listening and being open are negligent/come from the cave). Regardless, you can see the point we are trying to get across.

TIP: Avoid gossip even if you think it’s harmless. If you’re seen as a gossiper, you will be considered untrustworthy, and people will worry that they are your next ‘victim’.

Aggressive behaviour Some people mistakenly believe that being aggressive is a form of assertiveness. It is not.

Aggression is stressful, frightening, intimidating and exhausting for both the receiver and the giver. It does not open up conversations, and it is about an uncontrolled as you can be. Let’s take the same situation but show how an aggressive PA would deal with this conversation: VP: PA:

78

I’ve got a heap of urgent work just in that I need you to finish by tonight. You don’t mind staying late, do you?

Huh! Well, that’s just great. I have a kid and a husband to look after you know.

A Confident Woman at Work

VP: PA:

My job is clearly 9am-5pm, not a minute later. I… Okay, calm down. I was only asking.

I’ll see if Helen can do it.

Oh that’s right, ask Helen. STORMS OFF.

Again, this example is to the extreme but in completely the other direction. It’s a bit like watching fireworks going off, isn’t it? You can imagine the PA in this situation is probably under a great deal of stress and as a consequence shaking and red in the face. For everything that she has said, including the reason why she can’t stay late, none of it will be heard. Instead, the VP will only be thinking about what a hot-head she is and how she can’t hold a basic conversation or cope with her job. The chances are this conversation has also been overheard by others in the office.

Being passive aggressive This is slightly less obvious than the being submissive or only aggressive. With passive aggression, the real feeling behind the speech or behaviour is disguised by a contrary voice and words.

Very often the person on the receiving end of this kind of passive aggressive dialogue is baffled by the response but not entirely sure why. It’s a bit like a magic mirror – it looks one way, but something is not ‘quite’ right. Even the thickest of skinned will ‘feel’ that something about the dialogue is not ‘as it seems’.

79

A Confident Woman at Work

VP: PA:

VP: PA:

I’ve got a heap of urgent work just in that I need you to finish by tonight. You don’t mind staying late, do you? (starts hitting the spacebar and stares at the VP) Fine. I’ll have to phone home and tell them what’s going on and they’ll have to make their own dinner. Thanks Okay, good.

A lot (muttering under breath).

QUOTE: ‘The main way to reduce stress in the workplace is by picking the right people.’ Jesse Schell, author and CEO of Schell Games While all of these dialogues play out differently they all finish with the same outcome: the PA is staying late – even though she doesn’t want to. Think of it this way, at the end of the day it’s really quite simple if you say yes to something that you don’t want to do you are partly to blame. Yes, isn’t always the answer or the only answer. You can, and are entitled, to say ‘no’.

Now let’s have a look at the same conversation.

However this time it will spoken by an assertive PA. It would play out something like this: VP: PA:

80

I’ve got a heap of urgent work just in that I need you to finish by tonight. You don’t mind staying late, do you?

I appreciate you’ve got a lot of work to do. I can’t stay late tonight as I have something planned. However, I can put aside the other work that you gave me and get straight on to this. I can also see

A Confident Woman at Work

VP:

if Helen is able to help me. That way we can split the workload and get it done by 5pm.

Sounds like a good plan. Thanks for your help on this.

The PA hasn’t crumbled or succumbed to the VP’s request. She also hasn’t put herself under the immense stress of more work on top of an already heavy workload. By listening and coming up with a plan, she has shown herself to be responsible, thoughtful, understanding and that she is able to delegate.

Or, using the dreaded ‘no’ word.

VP: PA: VP: PA: VP:

I’ve got a heap of urgent work just in that I need you to finish by tonight. You don’t mind staying late, do you?

I can’t stay late tonight. I already have something planned.

Okay, fair enough. Can you put your other work on hold and focus on this now?

Yes, I can do that. I’ll also carry on with this work first thing in the morning.

Thank you.

Of course, it is within your rights to say ‘no’ to a request if you are unable to or don’t want to do it. That said, what if you always say ‘no’? Would that make you assertive? Well, it depends. If the requests are always unreasonable, then you are being assertive.

However, if you answer ‘no’ to every request that is 81

A Confident Woman at Work

made of you because you are rigid on your working hours or your role, it may be time to reconsider how open and flexible you are. In a work environment, there does need to be a degree of flexibility – from all parties.

Looking at these examples, you may be able to note some similarities with your own experiences. Have you been asked to do something that you felt, for whatever reason, was either unacceptable or unfair? How did you react? Can you try replaying that dialogue in your head/on paper but using an assertive approach? Can you see how it might have panned out differently?

Dealing with aggressive work colleagues If there is a particularly aggressive colleague at work, the chances are that you’re not the only one that has difficulties interacting with them. It is a good idea to find some office allies, from whom you can seek advice, help and possibly offer support when it comes to working with this member of staff. A word of warning though, make sure that by talking with colleagues about how to deal with this person you are not seen as gossiping, ganging-up or colluding as this could make matters a whole lot worse and not paint you in a favourable light.

Another tactic when coping with aggressive work colleagues is to make sure that any bullying or threatening is not ignored. It may seem like you’re ducking out but by asking another person to be present in a meeting, or CCing a person in on email conversations it shows that you’re not afraid to expose the aggressor. The chances are that if they notice they

82

A Confident Woman at Work

are being watched, they will harness their aggressive behaviour and hopefully think about changing.

Trying to reflect aggressive behaviour back to the person is another method that can be effective.

Obviously how you do this depends on the situation and the person. If it’s a work colleague you are on friendly terms with you could say something along the lines of: ‘I think this conversation would be much easier if we weren’t attacking each other.’ If the conversation involves your boss or a more formal situation you could say: ‘I feel like this conversation is getting a bit heated.

How do you think it’s going?’ By turning the tables on them, they are held accountable to explain the atmosphere and behaviour which could be just what they need to calm down.

Dealing with passive-aggressive co-workers People with a tendency to show passive-aggressive behaviours are particularly challenging to deal with. A lot of the time you’re left unsure as to where they’re coming from and even why. Pointing out that a person is acting in a passive-aggressive manner is like waving a red rag at a bull, so avoid that tactic at all costs.

Typically, a person with a passive-aggressive personality trait says one thing or acts one way, but the feeling behind it doesn’t match. When you are feeling more assertive there may come a time when you feel comfortable sounding them out about their behaviour but, perhaps before you are at that stage, you can assess them by following these steps: •

Is there anything that you’re doing that is making them behave in this way? We are not 83

A Confident Woman at Work

•

•

•

•

suggesting that you put the blame on yourself but just that you try to find the root of their problem/issue.

Put yourself in their shoes and see if there is anything obvious that causes them to act and feel the way that they do. If there is, can you do anything about it?

If you can identify what, in amongst the problematic behaviour, they are trying to say or point at you could try a questioning approach.

Something along the lines of: ‘I think what you were trying to tell me the other day is that you would prefer it if I ran my work by you before showing it to Helen?’ This shows that you are able to see their point and also puts them in a position where they need to answer to their behaviour.

Work together to find a way to deal with their issue. If you think it is unreasonable, then you must say so. If you think it is a fair point you must say so.

Remain calm throughout the process.

TIP: Being assertive at any time, particularly in the workplace, is not easy. Remember that being assertive is actually a ‘learned-behaviour’ and something we need to train ourselves to do. It’s definitely a case of practice making perfect. Just bear in mind that nothing about you is set in stone. You, as are we all, are allowed to change how you behave.

84

A Confident Woman at Work

In Summary We are all unique and therefore have different behavioural styles. Being assertive in the workplace makes everyone’s lives easier, but unfortunately, not everyone you work with will exhibit this behaviour. If you have to interact with aggressive, passive-aggressive or submissive personalities in the workplace, there are techniques that can help you to communicate with them.

85

A Confident Woman at Work

Polishing up other communication skills It’s important to remember that communication doesn’t start and end with words. As highly intelligent and perceptive beings (some of us more than others) we are able to ‘read’ what people are saying without them using any words. In fact, 65-75% of all our communication is non-verbal with just 55% of it being visual.

In this chapter we will look at: • Body language - what it reveals about us and how, by noticing and adjusting accordingly, we can present a far better impression that not only projects a more competent and confident image but, at the same time, improves our selfconfidence and even our hormone levels.

• Listening skills - our listening skills, which have probably gotten a little rusty over the years, need to be fine-tuned.

• Your vocals – what you say and what you mean can be shaped by HOW you say it. We take a 86

A Confident Woman at Work

•

look at your vocal pitch, speed, volume and tone.

Perfecting emails – this quick and easy method of communicating is often overlooked. We take a look at how to make sure your emails convey the right messages.

TIP: Mirror a person’s body language. This shows that you are agreeing and listening to the speaker and helps to build rapport.

Reading body language A person’s body language gives off vital clues to the observer. It can reveal information about a person’s competence, confidence, assertiveness, comfort levels, whether they are interested in a particular topic and so much more. Our body language tends to be a subconscious reaction, so trying to retrain it isn’t easy.

However, by changing a few stances or tweaking what you do with your hands can make a big difference in how you feel and how others perceive you. Take a look at these body language tips TIP: Observe, there is no better example of body language in play than watching how politicians and TV presenters use their hands.

87

A Confident Woman at Work

Hands There can’t be much to say about our hands, surely?

Wrong. In fact, our hands give away a lot of information, and we’re not just talking about if we bite our nails, or worse, are a bit remiss in trimming them.

What you do with your hands when talking or listening can reveal what you are thinking and feeling. It’s almost like pointing to yourself and saying, ‘look at me, I’m really nervous.’ If you are fiddling, scratching or picking with your fingers when somebody is speaking to you, it can show that you’re nervous and/or uncomfortable and possibly bored.

Other common habits with the hands are putting them in pockets. People think that by slipping their hands in their pockets, they’re giving a signal that they’re casual and relaxed. While this may be the case if you’re in the company of friends, in the workplace this look does not translate as relaxed in a positive way.

It shows that you’re ‘off duty’, gives the impression that you’re bored and because having hands in your pockets makes you slouch it looks almost as if you’re struggling to stand up. If you need to ‘do’ something with your hands, try to hold them down by your side.

Even when sitting down our hands can still be busy.

For instance, while your boss is talking, you may find yourself flicking a pencil, chewing it or doodling.

What do you think this says out loud? It probably looks to your boss that you’re bored, impatient and that you have something better to do than listen. Want to stop fiddling? Place your hands on your lap and keep them there. If it helps, try to imagine that you’ve pasted glue to the palms of your hands and they’re stuck to your lap!

88

A Confident Woman at Work

If you have particularly low self-confidence in the workplace, it may be best to stick to the advice above until you feel you’ve mastered the techniques. When you feel ready, you can move onto another couple of hand tricks that will project confidence. For example, if you’re talking or presenting showing the palms of your hands to your listener will impart a sense of openness and a level of trust between you and the listener. To further hit a point home? Body language experts suggest making a steeple shape with the tops of your fingers touching and your palms apart.

Finally, when it comes to the hands, nothing says ‘low confidence’ than the ‘limp lettuce’ handshake. To firm yours up by taking the other person’s hand in a firm grip and then, once you’ve got a good hold on it, shake in a pumping up and down action. Hold eye contact throughout the shake.

Tip: Remove barriers that stand in the way of you and the speaker, thereby creating a more ‘open’ space. This could be as simple as moving away from a chair, or it may be more subtle, such as lowering your coffee cup or putting down a folder rather than clutching it to your chest (like a shield).

Head and eyes Your head should be lifted at all times when interacting with work colleagues so think about keeping your chin horizontal to the floor. If you are looking down, sideways or anywhere other than the person who 89

A Confident Woman at Work

is talking to you, you are showing that you are distracted, bored or lack such little confidence that you can’t hold eye contact.

You will find it easier to maintain eye contact with people you feel more comfortable with so practice on them first. Make sure you relax when holding eye contact or you face turning your confident look into staring. Staring will completely disarm the person you’re speaking with and make them feel very uncomfortable! If it helps, try practising in a mirror.

Nod and smile to yourself.

Standing tall As we’ve said above, if you’re slouching forwards with your hands in your pockets you are not giving off a confident air. This also applies to leaning on walls and any overly casual stance. To give off an air of confidence and make your presence felt think about standing upright. Roll your shoulders back and down and stand tall, if it helps think about pulling in your stomach muscles which will give some support to your back. It can be uncomfortable to stand upright for a long period, so if you do need to change position try standing with your feet shoulder-width apart. This stance shows confidence and is also a more comfortable position to hold.

Smile and nod A smile can convey friendliness, openness and trust.

It’s a helpful little tool that costs you nothing to use but is influential and appreciated. If you find it difficult to smile at work colleagues or clients try smiling in the mirror at home. This way you can practice greeting 90

A Confident Woman at Work

people. Just as with keeping eye contact, a smile should be genuine and relaxed. If you’re forcing a smile, it will show. It will take on an awkward, grimacing look and will be very off-putting for the recipient. It’s an obvious thing to say but consider when to smile. There will be times in the workplace when smiling is not appropriate.

Suggestion: Want to increase your memory capacity? Try uncrossing your arms and legs. Research by Allan and Barbara Pease found ‘uncrossed’ trial participants could remember 38% more than those who sat defensively folded-up.

Power Pose This may sound a little ridiculous but Amy Cuddy, a Harvard University researcher and nonverbal expert, found that people who practised a ‘power pose’ for two minutes per day influenced people’s perceptions of the poser, increased testosterone and lowered the stresshormone Cortisol in the poser’s brain.

What is a power pose? Cuddy has identified a number of them, but perhaps the easiest to master is the Wonder Woman – you simply stand with your feet hipwidth apart and put your hands on your hips. Holding this pose for two minutes per day raises testosterone levels and lowers stress hormones, all of which can affect how you interact with people, including work colleagues. Cuddy even compared participants who displayed a range of power poses during job interviews 91

A Confident Woman at Work

and found that, despite the interviewees being similarly matched in terms of qualifications and suitability, those who displayed power poses were statistically more likely to be employed.

Cuddy, speaking at a TED lecture, had more advice for those wishing to look and feel more confident and capable in the workplace: ‘Fake it ‘til you make it,’ she told her audience. Or, even better: ‘Fake it till you become it!’ And, she should know. Her personal story really is a case of faking it and becoming it. We suggest you Google her for a touch of inspiration.

Suggestion: Leaning towards a person shows that you’re interested in what they have to say. Leaning backwards shows that you have confidence in what you are saying or hearing. Don’t ‘over lean’ – keep it natural.

Is your body language positive?

As we’ve learnt, our bodies give off a lot of signals, so we want to be able to shape them so that they are giving off the right ones. When you are in your office environment try going through this list below. How many positive body language signals are you displaying? How many negative ones? What about your colleague?

POSITIVE BODY LANGUAGE Leaning forward Nodding Smiling 92

A Confident Woman at Work

Open hands Expressive Gestures Genuine Smile Respect for personal space Open posture Enter personal space NEGATIVE BODY LANGUAGE Finger-wagging Hunched Standing over wringing hands Leaning back Fiddling hair/clothes Slouching Fidgeting Pouting Gazing Eye movement Shaking Fist Clasping hands behind head Wringing hands Doodling Pen chewing Standing over Glaring and staring Going red Enter personal space

93

A Confident Woman at Work

Suggestion: If you wear glasses, consider removing them during a presentation. Spectators prefer to see the speaker’s eyes and any light reflecting off of lenses can be distracting. If you need to - practice taking your spectacles on and off.

Polish up your listening skills Listening is an active skill yet quite often only half our mind is on the job. It’s not surprising therefore to discover that even when we think we’re paying attention, we only take in about 17-25% of what we actually hear. If we focus on listening to what is being told and/or being asked of us we can avoid making mistakes or errors, ensure that we understand, help to settle any arguments and improve our accuracy.

To make sure that you are listening to your full capacity try the following: Use eye contact It’s challenging for a speaker to talk to you if you’re not looking at them in the eye. If a person comes to your desk to speak to you, it is best to stop what you are doing and give them your full attention. This may well mean turning your chair or standing up.

Be in the moment The speaker is making an effort to talk to you so you should respect that by paying full attention to what is being said. This means mentally noting what is being said or using a notepad to jot things down. Try to use 94

A Confident Woman at Work

your body language to acknowledge that you’re listening by nodding and smiling (if appropriate).

Suggestion: Use hand gestures to back up any verbal points you make but avoid overusing the same movement as it will become distracting.

Focus on the interaction Try to block out other conversations or pings from emails and texts. By focusing on what is being said you avoid someone having to repeat it again later. The same also applies to letting your mind wander off. If you find yourself thinking about what you’re going to have for dinner try to rein-in your thoughts and get back to what is being said. The more often you identify a wandering mind and pull it back to where it should be the easier it will be to regain focus.

Don’t make judgments You may hear something that you don’t like or agree with. However, you should hold back on making any judgments until the speaker has finished. If the speaker is in full flow, it is up to you to listen without criticising or interrupting and certainly don’t try to mind-read by finishing a person’s sentence.

95

A Confident Woman at Work

Suggestion: Think carefully about the colour of the clothes that you wear – they convey specific images. Black and blue, for example, are seen as more traditional and more ‘dependable, strong and trustworthy’ colours.

However, if you want to exude an air of ‘passion, ecofriendliness or youthfulness’ other colours are better suited.

Put yourself in their shoes It’s often easier to imagine and visualise what is being said if you can put yourself in the other person’s shoes. This technique is particularly useful if there has been conflict or disagreement and is a form of assertiveness. You are showing that you are ‘open’ to seeing the ‘full picture’ by hearing and trying to understand someone else’s opinion.

Hold back on finding solutions Although a person may be telling you something that doesn’t necessarily mean that they want or expect you to find a solution. If you feel it’s appropriate then of course, at the right time, make some suggestions.

Otherwise, your job at this point is to listen.

No interrupting There’s nothing more distracting than being midflow, talking about your 100-page presentation, and being bombarded with questions. If you’re the listener in this scenario hold back on asking questions until the speaker has finished. Invariably you’ll find that any 96

A Confident Woman at Work

questions you have are answered with the information given throughout the conversation. If you do have questions then, of course, ask them. Just choose to do so at the appropriate time (which is when the speaker has paused or finished talking).

Read the body language Look for body language clues. Is the person excited, nervous, angry or secretive about what they’re telling you? Use this feedback to help you identify what is needed from you.

Go over the points You may feel a bit silly, reiterating what has been said, but it’s very good practice. So, when your boss or work colleague has finished talking, go over in a sentence or two what it is they have asked of you. This makes sure that the request is clear and that there is an understanding between both parties.

Email etiquette and polishing You probably have to type and send a number of emails per day, often to people whom you have never met before. What you write and how you write it says a lot, not only about you but your company.

As emails tend to be a less formal than letters it is easy to slip into bad habits, such as not spell-checking, using language that’s too casual and ignoring bad formatting. If you want to convey yourself as professional, efficient and somebody in whom your boss and co-workers can have confidence, good email etiquette is vital.

97

A Confident Woman at Work

Say ‘hello’ in the right way Always begin your emails with a greeting. It could be ‘Hello’ if you know the person and have built up a regular email thread, otherwise, use ‘Dear’ and their first name or surname. If you don’t know their name, you can use ‘To whom it may concern’ or ‘Dear Sir/Madam’ as you would with a letter.

Say ‘thanks’ in the right way If you’re replying to an email, you need to acknowledge that by thanking the sender and mentioning what their email was regarding. They could send out hundreds of similar emails a day, and this means it isn’t necessary for them to scroll back up the thread to know what the email was about.

What is it that you’re writing about?

If you are initiating the email communication, make it clear what your purpose is. There’s nothing more frustrating than having to dig around an email to find out what the person is asking for or offering.

A perfect body The main part of the email should be clear and easy to read. Help yourself by using simple and understandable language. Also, think about the fonts and formatting style that you use in the email. It’s very hard to read emails that are entirely in a bold font. It’s also easier if you can use bullets or numbering if you need to make more than one point.

An email is generally short, so you want to avoid creating a message that contains thousands of words.

Avoid rambling sentences and giving information that 98

A Confident Woman at Work

isn’t necessary. Ask yourself ‘would I tell them this information if I was meeting them in person for the first time?’ Keep it short and straightforward and stick to the facts.

Say ‘goodbye’ in the right way Just as you opened your email, your closing should be appropriate too. If the email is formal, you should adopt either ‘Best regards’ or ‘Sincerely.’ Otherwise, a more casual ‘best wishes’ or ‘thank you’ will suffice.

Check and check again Many people mistake the casual feel of an email as an excuse to not run a spell or grammar check.

Remember, this email could be the first interaction between you and a potential customer. Spell checking your work and looking at it carefully for grammatical errors will take a little extra time. If you are sending a lot of emails, check that your cut and pasting hasn’t left any clues such as the wrong names, company details or dates. Trim any words that are superfluous to the email.

Let your vocals do the talking Professional presenters and communication experts hold a lot of weight in what your vocals say about you and how they affect what you are trying to achieve.

Good use of vocal tools can add a sense of sincerity and credibility to your subject matter.

Avoid monotone Using the same tone of voice throughout conversation shows that you are either bored and/or 99

A Confident Woman at Work

lack confidence in what you’re saying. To really hit the message home about monotone voices, imagine how you would feel if you listened to a speech delivered throughout in a flat and monotone voice. At a guess, you would struggle to focus, fail to take in any key information and come out of the session unimpressed by both the speaker and the subject.

A monotone speaker would, rightly or wrongly, suggest that they are bored, nervous, ill-prepared and/or didn’t care about the subject matter or to whom they were speaking.

If you find speaking to work colleagues complicated, you could try to practice both what and how you are going to say beforehand.

Think about where and when to stress words Stressing particular words helps to emphasise, just as it would with words underlined or italicised on paper.

However, you need to think carefully about which word to emphasise and how this affects the meaning. These five sentences are a perfect explanation of how emphasis can change meaning: 1. We don’t want your money (At least one other person is included in this statement) 2. We don’t want your money (Identifying the offer as undesirable) 3. We don’t want your money (They have no desire for the money) 4. We don’t want your money (They would rather have somebody else’s money) 5. We don’t want your money (They want something other than money) 100

A Confident Woman at Work

Adjust the volume Use your volume control to help you achieve your points. For example, if you’re offering an aside or a piece of additional information, keep your volume low.

On the other hand, if you’re building up to making a point, increase your volume as you do so. Obviously be careful not to go to extremes of whispering or shouting.

Altering the volume of your voice can also indicate a change in subject matter and gives the nod to the listener to notice the difference.

Choose the rhythm Some conversations will suit a lively, fast-paced rhythm while others will demand a slower pace.

Consider the rhythm you are employing and if and where necessary change it to suit. Just as with monotone, it can be quite tiring for both the speaker and listener if the person speaking sticks to only one rhythm throughout.

Use pauses Having a break every now and then not helps you to catch your breath it also allows the listener to take in what it is that you’re saying. Pauses are also effectively used directly before or after a critical point.

Add emotion If you’re passionate, excited or on the contrary disappointed and dejected about something, then let it show through your vocal tone. Of course, the office is not the place for going over-the-top, so keep the highs and lows to moderate levels and save the hysterics and melodrama for out of office hours!

101

A Confident Woman at Work

In Summary We can say a lot without even opening our mouths.

Choose your body language carefully, and you can give off an air of confidence. Misuse it, and the opposite happens. Listening is a crucial skill that is often taken for granted but by using a few techniques from this chapter, you can avoid making errors. Email communication needs to have as much care and attention paid to it as a letter. Make sure your nonverbal messages are giving out the right message!

102

A Confident Woman at Work

In conclusion and a message from Julie Confidence and being assertive is a skill that you can learn or continue to adapt. You have the ability to grasp the suggestions within this book and use those skills in your own environment and working space.

It may be scary at first. Your heart may be beating so fast and hard that you think the entire world can hear it. Believe me, they can’t. Take a deep breath, remember no one can tell you how you should or shouldn’t react to something. You are in control of how you feel, and those feelings are yours and real. If you feel that someone is being a bully or mistreating you, you can take steps to stop that behaviour. You may need to report them to your line manager, to HR or even have the discussion with your boss. If it is your boss who is the bully, then you also have the option to leave your job and find another one. Before you say anything, yes you are able to get another job. You got his one! You have skills, so you are able to get another job if necessary.

103

A Confident Woman at Work

It is your right to be treated as an equal and treat others the same way.

Good luck in taking those first steps to be the true person you know you should be.

104

A Confident Woman at Work

• •

• •

• •

• • •

Definitions CALM Not showing or feeling anger, nervousness or any strong emotion PASSIVE Allowing others to make decisions for you, accepting what others do or don’t do without a response or resistance AGGRESSIVE Being ready or likely to attack or confront verbally or physically.

MANIPULATIVE Unscrupulous control or influence over another person or a situation. Sometimes you may not know a person has been manipulating you until after the event.

GOOD LISTENER Having the ability to hear someone without interruption, giving an opinion or judging.

RESPONSIBLE Feeling an obligation to do or say something or control over someone because they need it, no one else will do it or its part of your job.

APPRECIATIVE Showing gratitude for help or support.

CONTROLLED Feeling influenced by someone or something.

Possibly feeling helpless in a particular situation RESPECTFUL Showing gratitude and honour.

105

A Confident Woman at Work

• • •

• •

• • • • •

106

EQUAL TO OTHERS Knowing that those around you are the same, same pay grade, similar employees SCAPEGOAT Being blamed for something that wasn’t your fault or a mistake made by others.

JUDGEMENTAL Being critical or finding fault without any or all of the facts. Also, being disrespectful, disapproving and negative.

EMOTIONAL Being unable to control emotions, for example, crying, laughing, being sad.

COLD Someone is ignoring or deliberately excluding you from a conversation or outing. Being given the Cold Shoulder.

DELEGATOR Asking someone to do something/a task for you.

CLOSED Not being responsive to suggestions or opportunities available to you.

IRRESPONSIBLE Not showing respect for people, positions or tasks that need to be undertaken.

HOT-HEADED Someone who acts first without thinking about the consequences of their actions.

HONEST Be open, truthful and sincere

A Confident Woman at Work

•

•

UNAPPROACHABLE Putting a mental/physical wall between two people.

Snapping when being asked a question. Refusing to work with an individual or being rude and abusive.

STUBBORN Refusing to undertake a task, determined not to change one’s attitude, position or outlook.

107

A Confident Woman at Work

Index Active listening, 10 Add emotion, 101 Adjust the volume, 101 Aggressive, 6, 74, 105 Aggressive behaviour, 78 Aggressive work colleagues, 82 Assertive, 74 Assertiveness, 1, 3, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 15, 16, 25, 26 Avoid monotone, 99 Being assertive, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 13, 17, 20, 23, 24, 25, 26, 73, 75, 81, 84, 103 Being assertive, 5, 12, 13, 16, 26, 76, 84, 85 Being confident, 43, 51, 59 Being passive aggressive, 79 Body language, 64, 66, 87, 92, 95, 97, 102 Celebrate the good times, 38 Choose the rhythm, 101 Communication skills, 78, 86 Confidence, 1, 27, 43, 44, 46, 51, 55, 58, 69, 103 Dealing with praise, 25 Delegation, 11, 12 Demotivating factors, 33, 34 108

Demotivation, 35, 36, 42 Difficult people, 66 Don’t make judgments, 95 Email etiquette, 97 Examples, 17, 33, 49, 82 Eye contact, 21, 48, 65, 89, 90, 91, 94 Find a mentor, 38 Finding solutions, 96 Hands, 88 Head and eyes, 89 How assertive are you, 21 In the moment, 10, 94 Journal your achievements, 37 Life balance, 38 Listening skills, 9, 67, 86, 94 Low confidence scenarios, 55 Low self-confidence, 43, 50 Mistakes, 12, 23, 94 Motivating, 28, 29, 32, 34, 36 Motivation, 28, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42 Motivation, 27 Negative body language, 93 No interrupting, 96 Passive listening, 9

A Confident Woman at Work

Passive-aggressive coworkers, 83 Positive body language, 92 Possible work motivators, 30 Power pose, 91 Reflective listening, 10 Say goodbye, 99 Say hello, 98 Saying no, 10 Self-confidence, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 86, 89

Self-esteem, 25, 45, 46, 49, 73 Smile and nod, 90 Standing tall, 90 Stress words, 100 Submissive, 72, 73, 75, 77, 79, 85 Submissive, 74 Submissive behaviour, 77 Tip, 28, 29, 42, 89 Unmotivated, 33 Use pauses, 101 Vocals do the talking Working environment, 2, 11, 23, 74

109