Q&A Sarah Knight - Calm the f*ck down

Q&A with Sarah Knight, internationally bestselling author of CALM THE FUCK DOWN

Hi, I’m Sarah Knight, the author of a series of funny self-help books that help you use common sense practices to improve your life. One of those books is called CALM THE FUCK DOWN, and it just came out in Poland under the title Jak uspokoić swoje myśli. Or HOW TO CALM DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS. Good timing, right?

But seriously, although I don’t love the idea of exploiting a global health crisis to promote my book, it’s true that reading is both a great way to pass the time and to distract yourself from anxious thoughts. It’s also a great way to learn new things. Luckily, CALM THE FUCK DOWN serves all of those purposes! It is full of anxiety and stress management techniques and strategies for solving the problems that you can solve, and not freaking out—or let’s be honest, at least freaking out a little less—about the ones you can’t.

So if you’re going to be stuck at home a lot these days, bored and possibly anxious, maybe you’ll want to give it a read?

1. What is your way to stay calm and not worry too much?

My favorite tip from the book is what I call “The One Question To Rule Them All.” Can I control it?

If something bad has happened or is about to happen to you, ask yourself if you can control it. If the answer is no, you should try to let it go—or more specifically, to let the feelings of anxiety about it go, so that you can focus your mental and physical resources on planning for and taking action on what you can control.

So for example, with the coronavirus outbreak, you cannot control what other people choose to do with their lives; it doesn’t help you to get freaked out by the fact that some people are ignoring the directives for social distancing or not washing their hands properly. But you can control YOUR choices, and whether you personally follow the best practices for remaining safe and healthy. YOU can stay home. YOU can disinfect your sink handles and doorknobs and elevator buttons. YOU can stock up on cough suppressants, fever reducers, and electrolyte drinks in case you or someone you live with does get the virus.

You can be prepared instead of paralyzed by anxiety over other people’s actions, which you cannot control.

Asking the One Question to Rule Them All is a simple, quick way to sort your worries into things that are possible for you to prevent, manage, or mitigate—and things that are not worthy of your time, energy, and money. Panic is a waste of valuable resources. I know it’s hard, but if you can remain calm, you will make better choices and take better actions, and eventually, you will be in a much better place.

2. In the current situation with coronavirus pandemic in sight, even if we are calm, our loved ones begin to panic. What would you do to calm them down?

In my book, I talk about how much I hate it when I’m having a crisis and someone tells me that “Everything is going to be okay” or “Things aren’t as bad as you think they are.” My problem with this kind of well-intentioned reassurance is that it’s simply not always true. I prefer to be realistic about my situation so I can deal with it…you know…realistically.

A big part of calming down is first accepting reality. You can help soothe your loved ones’ fears and anxiety while still being realistic and honest with them. It doesn’t really help them to pretend that their problems don’t exist, or claim they aren’t that bad, or to imply that their feelings of anxiety are invalid. You will do much more good if you can help them accept reality and make a smart plan to deal with it. Saying something like “Yes, it’s really scary right now, and I know you’re freaking out about what’s going to happen next. Maybe the best way forward is to focus on one small thing you can do right now, to improve your situation?”

This “one small thing” does not necessarily need to be pandemic-preparedness related. It can be something in the vein of self-care. Encouraging your loved one to treat themselves to an ebook they’ve been meaning to read, or to set up a FaceTime with a friend who’s far away, or simply to lay down and rest for an hour, maybe with the aid of some soothing music, or a meditation app.

And please note: I’m doing my best to take my own advice these days. I’m finding it very helpful, so I hope you will too!

3. What are the most common reasons for people to worry?

Oh, there are so many reasons we worry! Some of us worry about money. Some of us worry about our pets. We worry about whether people like us or if we are doing a good job as parents or whether we are going to get sick.

The important thing to realize is that everyone worries about different things, and none of those things are more or less valid than what you or I might worry about. Something that seems small to me could loom very large to you. The English title of my book, CALM THE FUCK DOWN, is meant to be eye-catching and funny, but I make it a point in the very first pages to say that I am not minimizing anyone’s worries. I’m just here to help you manage them, and calming the fuck down is the first step. For any worry.

4. What to do to not worry too much about our health?

Whether we are talking about coronavirus or just our general health, The One Question to Rule Them All applies. Can you control it? Yes or no? You can’t control the fact of aging, but you can control how well you treat your body as you age. You can’t control the onset of allergy season, but you can control your response to it.

These days, if you have a preexisting condition that is exacerbated by Coronavirus, you need to focus on managing your health and limiting your exposure to the virus, including exposure to other people who may not know they are carriers. That’s why social distancing—especially before it “seems” like the virus has taken hold in your community—is so important.

You can and should focus on the stuff you can control, like stocking up on any necessary maintenance medication you may need, and also on over the counter remedies now if you can, in case you do get sick while in isolation. In CALM THE FUCK DOWN, I call this strategy “PHEW” – that’s P.H.E.W. for Productive Helpful Effective Worrying. Using that anxiety and fear you may be feeling about your health to fuel the productive decisions and actions that will prevent and mitigate worse circumstances down the line.

5. What are, in your opinion, the most effective methods of cleansing our thoughts?

I’m a big fan of any hands-on activity that allows you to focus on detail work—such as cooking, knitting, doing a puzzle, playing an instrument, sewing, cleaning, or fixing a broken piece of furniture. In CALM THE FUCK DOWN, I call this “giving anxiety the finger.”

Using your hands—and being forced to focus your mind on the task they are performing—helps distract you from your anxious thoughts. It certainly helps me! When I get stressed out, I like to trim a giant papyrus bush in my garden with a pair of clippers. It’s relaxing, and I have to focus on it so I don’t accidentally snip one of my fingers off. Ten minutes of concentrating on a handson, brain-off activity can put me in a much calmer mood and reset my mental state.

If you are in isolation or quarantine right now and freaking out about things you can’t control, I say give anxiety the finger and take back your mental health!

6. As you write, when something bad happens, our reaction can take four forms. What are they?

In CALM THE FUCK DOWN, I describe what I call the Four Faces of Freaking Out. These are the general categories we fall into when we are under stress: Anxiety, Anger, Sadness, and Avoidance (or “Ostrich Mode”).

Some of us will experience multiple types of Freakout Faces under different circumstances.

Mine is pretty much always Anxiety, with a smaller incidence of Avoidance. I rarely get angry when I’m stressed out, whereas my husband (who is normally a very calm, kind person), tends to get mad long before he would ever get anxious or sad. It just depends on how you, personally, experience stress.

In the book I offer many tips for getting to what I call “the Flipside”—essentially, for tricking and ultimately training your brain to get out of your personal freakout mode by engaging in behavior that is its opposite. For example, for anxious people like me who overthink everything, I recommend focusing on a small, simple, hands-on task to help clear your head. For people who get angry, I recommend engaging in some physical activity to burn off steam and get to a more peaceful state—like walking up and down the stairwell at your office three times to calm down before you talk to a boss or coworker who made a mistake that upset you.

For my ostriches out there, you have to commit to taking one action—no matter how small—to break yourself out of avoidance mode. You can even bargain with yourself: so for example, if you are avoiding making a dentist appointment because you’re afraid of finding out that you have a cavity, and you’re also avoiding responding to a wedding invitation because you don’t want to go, but you also don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings—pick one! Force yourself to take

action on at least one of those things, and by doing so, you’re eliminating 50% of the total effects of your avoidance. Good job!

7. In your book, you mention five ways to deal with the global crisis. What are they?

I wrote CALM THE FUCK DOWN long before the Coronavirus was a glimmer in our global minds, but there was plenty of other anxiety-inducing shit going on in the world—and guess what?

There will be more where that came from tomorrow and next week and next year. So my five top tips for “calming the fuck down about the world falling apart” are these: 1. Limit your exposure. It’s smart and useful to be an informed citizen, but you do not have to scroll social media all day, at the dinner table, on the toilet, or on your commute. And especially right now, if you are in isolation and looking for distractions, be careful about finding them online. Panicky, clickbait headlines and misinformation are not going to help your state of mind. Try to stick to once or twice a day news dumps if you possibly can.

2. Find a balance. If you simply can’t stay away from the news, be vigilant about adding purely entertaining content to your day. For every @WashingtonPost account you follow, add a favorite comedian. Each time you’re tempted to Google “coronavirus in my town” – try Googling cat videos instead. Find a way to inject extra fun and good and laughs into your life to offset the scary stuff.

3. Bone up. This one may seem a little counterintuitive given the first two tips, but if there’s something you are very worried about, it can help to make a study of it. Do your research—real, smart research using valid sources—to educate yourself. Knowledge is power.

4. Take a memo. Journaling is scientifically proven to help reduce anxiety. Give it a shot! If you think it’s weird, you can also try writing angry letters to incompetent world leaders.

Even if you never send them, putting the words on paper can really improve your mood.

I know this from experience.

5. Do good. When I’m feeling powerless about the state of the world, one thing that brings me immense comfort is to help someone else in need. You can do this by donating to a cause or to a friend or maybe a vendor who is being hit hard by the crisis. You can call your elderly relatives to check in. You can recommend good books, music, and movies to help other people pass the time (and help artists continue to make a living!) And you can always, always choose to be kind.