Love and Gambling Getting Lucky

Naomi Lilac Gordon

Dating is like a game of Texas Hold’em. At the start of the game, with the lights dimmed in the lonely club, the deck is shuffled, and cards are dealt to the players. Each player receives two cards, and the five community cards are placed face-down in the middle of the table. The cards they’ve been given at random can make or break the game for them, or at the very least, dramatically shift your options. We’re dealt our cards and live with them.

The players look at their hands. They might have an ace up their sleeve, or two. Higher cards are typically a better sign, but lower cards aren’t always bad. Given the right circumstances, having a two might secure the win, and the profit that comes with it. They look at their cards and calculate the chances they might have to win, the way people take inventory of their lives when dating. On first dates, prospects present their best features. Identifying their assets, they display them proudly, hoping to get their desired outcome, whatever that may be.

In both, an element of strategy comes into play. Certain elements carry more benefits than others, and players must hedge their bets accordingly. Sometimes, the game might not even begin at all. Players might appear too skilled, or prospective partners might appear out of one’s league, and the chance to win is over before it begins. Sometimes, it seems like a sure shot, and players bet high from the jump, but sometimes a unique strategy must be employed, to manipulate one’s way to success.

The first three of the community cards are turned over. The element of reality steeps in. Even with whatever cards a player might have, anything could be under those first three community cards. That element of surprise can completely shift the dynamic of the game. The cards you thought could secure you a hefty sum could now seem useless, shifting the environment of the game into one stacked against you. This might not be the game for you. Or it could be the opposite. These community cards could be everything you needed, elevating your status, making that tantalizing reward feel just that much closer.

If there are any guarantees in relationships, it’s that there are none. Just as the community cards can be anything, the inherent chaos of the unnatural world around us brings unexpected hurdles to any relationship as well as conveniences. A seemingly perfect match can be rendered null by bad timing, conflicting schedules, and worst of all, an utter lack of chemistry. The cruel world we inhabit is dedicated to cockblocking even the best of us, but as in any game, there are loopholes.

Poker teaches us that you don’t play the cards, but the players. The nature of your cards are only half the game. The other is intuition, manipulation, and skill. It’s not about how good your cards are, but if they’re better than your opponents. Even if their cards have higher standing, there are ways to bluff and lie your way to a win, to use charisma and deception to seduce your way to profit. You use intellect, strategy, keep your wits about you, and never let your poker face slip.

This generation, whether they’ve ever gambled or not, knows a thing or two about poker faces. In a demographic dominated by nihilism, it’s frowned upon to care, and in the cruel game of love, it’s nearly a necessity. During the summer, I stayed upstate with my parents over the break, I endured a mountain of first dates. Some of them decent, some of them disastrous, but all of them deeply educational. Like poker, dating is a skill game, and every bad date teaches you a lesson. You can’t come on too strong, nor give away too much, a sense of mystery about yourself needs to be left, though you cannot actively conceal. Getting caught thinking too hard means you care too much; an air of nonchalance is required. Don’t let them see past your poker face.

In poker, when another player bets, you have three options. You might call their bet, matching the sum they’ve invested. This is the least you can do while remaining in the hand. If you don’t call their bet, you fold, forfeiting your place in the hand, and any winnings that might arise from it. The third option is to raise, betting more than they did, and raising the stakes of the game in the process.

Betting more allows you to win more, but any benefit to this makes your potential losses that much more impactful. You have to employ a critical eye in this game, read the room and the cards, understand when you should call, bet, or fold. Strategy is imperative.

Men, and I hesitate to call many of them that, understand the strategy inherent to dating. It’s a social game, and strategy is deployed regularly. Of course, that’s not always the case. In poker there are bingo players, newbies fresh to the game, lacking experience and thus, skills and strategy. You’ll encounter men like that in the dating pool; men who it’s painfully obvious have no idea what they’re doing. Bingo players see poker as a game of luck, and while many men think of getting laid as simply “getting lucky,” there’s only so far you can get without learning how to flirt.

In poker we have the fish. This player plays conservatively, calling or barely raising bets just to see how things might turn out for them. Come the flop, they typically fold if they don’t see a good set of cards. It’s not worth the risk. If they believe they have a good chance of winning, they’ll continue to call bets, as long as the raise isn’t too high. It keeps them safe, prevents losing too hard, but you can’t win all too much this way either.

We’ve all seen a man or two who dates like this, though he’d probably hate to be called a fish. He holds one up in his tinder card photos; he doesn’t identify with them. He’s not some fucking fish, he’s a man! And he’s a man with a soft heart. Maybe he’s been hurt in a past relationship, and doesn’t want to risk opening his heart up too much again. Maybe he’s scared of someone taking advantage of what he has to give, so he doesn’t want to give too much. Maybe he just doesn’t think a relationship is worth all that much risk. It’s always resulting from a combination of self esteem and masculinity crisis. This man needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. Your fish swims around in the dating pool, never giving too much and never losing that much either, but having shallow, forgettable relationships as a result. Fish keep swimming. They never sit down to unpack all their shit.

Then there are coffee housers, and their strategy is basically the poker equivalent of negging. Their insults are deployed with the intended goal of breaking down opponents’ confidence, creating doubt in their own abilities and making it easier for the coffee houser to manipulate their way to victory. I feel it generally pretty easy to spot when men neg, but if you find yourself in a situation where it’s working? Run,

girlypop, RUN!

Wait, what’s that fin poking out of the water? In poker, perhaps the most dangerous player is the shark. The shark is a master of strategy as well as an Emmy nominee level skilled actor, with the ability to pose as any type of player. You can be dealing with a shark without knowing it. That’s what makes them so deadly. They play to win because they know they can, biding that time and pouncing. Once you’re in it, it’s too late. These days, male manipulators have become a common part of the American youth lexicon. Between girls, we discuss our icks and identify potential red flags, make jokes about “male manipulator music”if he listens to Weezer, run- and gaslighting is our new favorite buzzword. It’s fun, it’s cathartic to dig into the ways men hurt us, to shout about how men are trash over drinks with your besties, but that doesn’t always heal your heart. Because men do hurt us, and it isn’t okay. Sharks are apex predators, and the damage they do can leave scars.

Mr. ABC Poker plays exclusively by the rules, believing that his knowledge of the rules of the game is enough to guarantee himself a win. It’s like… have you ever had a man take you out to dinner and then expect sex? He thinks that because he did what he was supposed to he’s bought access to your body. But I mean, come on. If you were an escort, you’d charge a lot more than a 15 dollar meal at one of the dozens of shitty Thai places in this city. Hot pot at least

The flop gives the players a better idea of what the community cards are, but two still remain facedown, and can still completely change the game. They might be the difference between you getting a full house or falling short. Those two mystery cards could mean the difference between you vying for high card or three of a kind. At the turn, the fourth community card is turned over, and the game is fully underway. Players have a fuller picture of how they might win. Bets are raised, tensions rise, strategies take full effect. The tension on that fifth and final card places the game one step away from its conclusion. stayed. Things got a little steamy from time to time, late at night I’d find his hands exploring my body as he lay pressed up behind me in my bed, but there were never any expectations. Each of us was giving very little. We weren’t monogamous, I still had Tinder downloaded, and I was seeing another guy at the time, which he knew. The rules of the game were clear and laid out, and eventually the summer ended, which I assumed would bring our little fling to a close. But it didn’t.

In late June, I made my big first step into the NoVA dating world by going out with a girl who hyperventilated mid-meal in Silver Diner. Proceeding this was a string of first dates and failed talking stages, until I met someone promising. He was handsome, well dressed, and polite, but he was also funny, in a quiet way where you had to stay engaged to pick up the nuances. The chemistry (his major) was there right off the bat, and hesitantly, I let it happen. He took me out on cute dates all summer. We went to the national zoo, and the botanical garden. We took walks around his neighborhood and saw movies. It was nice.

As time passed, the stakes grew higher. With each turn, other players began to fold. I stopped going on dates with other people; I deleted tinder. I thought only of him, and thoughts of him began to rule my mind. I had trouble focusing on the other things. As

Early on, the stakes were low. We weren’t betting very much. We’d go out and do things that were free or cheap. I kept my heart guarded, because it was just a summer fling. I let it be meaningless fun, and that’s how it the game continued past its expiration date, the stakes grew higher, and the bets were raised. Or at least, it seemed like they were. He was driving down two hours every other week to come see me, taking me out to nicer dinners, and in turn I was giving him more too. He met my friends, he stayed in my apartment, and we did things together that I’d never tried with anyone else before. I gave him my body, and with it my heart, thinking I had his too.

In poker, you don’t play the cards, you play the player. You read their actions, try to gauge their intentions. You say something from time to time, but you don’t want to give away too much, and neither do they. I spent a lot of time attempting to read him, and he in turn, attempted to read me. It’s a delicate dance when a relationship deepens. You don’t want to go all in too early, but you don’t want to simply call and grow stagnant. You need to raise at the same rate they are, but you need to take risks as well. At times, it can be maddening, but if you stay true to the rhythm, it flows smooth, like oil spreading across a pan on a hot stove.

When you’re playing with that many chips on the board, though, it’s easy to lose focus. The stakes get higher when you’re putting a lot more on the line, and you begin to wonder if you’re making the right call. What if he has better cards than you, or if he can tell that you’re bluffing? So you begin to wonder. Questions start to permeate your mind, and once they’re in there they don’t ever really leave. Why haven’t you met any of his friends? You came back upstate for fall and winter break. Why are the two of you always at your place? Should you be worried about that, or are you just being paranoid? He seems like he has good cards and he treats you well; you’re lucky to have him, really. Why are you trying to look for problems? Don’t mess this up, Naomi. Have trust.

So you do. You take a big swing. You go all in. He says he loves you, and you love him, so you trust that things will work themselves out. He meets your parents, celebrates Hanukkah with your family. You let him into your deepest thoughts, share with him the parts of yourself you think he’ll run away from, and he whispers reassurance into your ear. He’s not going anywhere. He loves you. It’s okay. The trust comes naturally, and you treat your worries as just that.

Then, he folds.

IV. The River

In poker, the river refers to the final betting round. The name most likely comes from riverboat gambling; historically and still in some places to this day, poker was played on riverboat casinos, boats on location in the Mississippi river. During these times, cheaters were frequently thrown off of the boat and into the river, hence the name. The final community card is the river card, and its turning over represents the conclusion of the hand, with each player revealing their cards; the winner taking his profit. The turning of the river card can change the game. It’s the final element of chaos, the mystery final card. The strategy, skill, and intuition of each player all come to either a halt or fruition by the word of this card. The truth that the river card preaches is final.

After the breakup, I cried for two days straight. I didn’t quite know what to do with myself. We’d been together for six months, and he’d become a fixture of my world. I spent half of my weekends with him, I texted him every day, he was always on my mind. I’d never loved anyone quite so earnestly before. I’d gotten used to having him just be there, and it took me a while to get out of that headspace. Now, I have clearer eyes. Hindsight is 20/20, and I can see that it wasn’t a good relationship. I find myself wondering how I didn’t spot all the red flags, how I let myself get to the lows I hit with him. It’s something that I’m still figuring out.

He folded before we could see our river card. Before everything was on the table, and we saw what we could’ve been together. The first week without him, it kept me up at night. That I’d never know what that final card would’ve been. I never would’ve known what it would’ve been like with him if we both gave it everything we could. If he hadn’t walked out on me. I’ll never meet his family, or spend the holidays with him, or know what our love would have blossomed into. It stings to know that, to have to accept that.

Through this lens, I won the pot. I got out of a bad relationship, and I’m learning how to be alone, and falling in love with myself all over again. I fell into a lot of bad ways of thinking when I was with him. My risk assessment was fucked, and my worldview, though I hate to admit it, was shifted by his. A small part of me began to see the world through his eyes, and that piece of me grew as time went on, clouding my vision. His voice in my head started to rule my decisions, and I let it, but I don’t want to see the world like that anymore. I’m not so pessimistic.

Honestly though, I think that’s fucking stupid. It’s a regressive, cold way to see the world, and it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Maybe I’m naive. I’m still young, and I have a lot to learn about the world. But I never want to look at love that way. I’m not trying to deny that giving your all in relationships, giving that kind of vulnerability to someone, can leave scars. When you get too close to the fire, you get burned. It can hurt like hell, but isn’t that warmth incredible?

Love isn’t a game. It’s a connection between two people. A lot of people, especially my age, attempt to “win” at relationships. We’re all young, nihilistic, and emotionally stunted, and we shield our hearts because we don’t want to get hurt. I see it all the time, the way that we play games, withhold relationships from our partners, try to beat them by having them care more, know them better than they know you, withhold commitment and maintain information control.