VEGADVICE

Editor at Large JASMIN SINGER

Trust Your Gut

If I had a fried vegan drumstick for every time a friend was concerned that their friend/parent/cat wouldn’t accept them for who they are, I could put KFC out of business.

Oh, how I wish I could wave a magic wand and instill confidence in those who secondguess themselves, concerned that they won’t be accepted, loved, and celebrated for how they choose to show up in the world—especially if they’re going against the grain. That is the theme of today’s letters: bravery in being seen as your authentic self and trust that your family and friends will accept your lifestyle choices— including when you make the noble choice to ditch meat.

As a lesbian, I’ve had my own brand of struggle with not being accepted, much of which was ultimately a reflection of my own lack of self-love. Once I finally was able to embrace my identity—and willing to give my family the space and time they needed to adjust to this new version of me—my fears of what others might think melted away.

Standing in your truth when you’re vegan is not entirely different than that.

Grandma’s girl

QMy grandma is my soulmate (a fact my husband mostly accepts), and I feel so lucky that even though I’m in my mid-thirties, she’s still in my life. But although I don’t want to sound ageist, let’s just say she’s a bit old-school when it comes to certain things—such as her close ties to cultural Jewish foods. I’m a new vegan, and I’m absolutely dreading Grandma’s reaction at our upcoming holiday family gettogether when I don’t fill my plate with her famous brisket. Should I just graciously take it anyway and then secretly push it into a napkin on my lap and throw it out? Or should I risk a painful argument and tell her I no longer eat animal products? I feel like I can’t win.

Sincerely,

Guilt-Ridden Jew

AFirst of all, hug your grandma for me. Mine was also the love of my life, and I miss her every day. As for the pickle you’re in, I totally get it— and so do countless others whose families are also set in their ways and completely perplexed when we choose vegan meat over animal-based. Add to that the close relationship you and your gran have, and it makes sense that this is vexing you.

But—and at the risk of sounding callous— times change. Your nan was most likely born before the word “vegan” was even coined back in the mid-1940s, and in the scope of the time she’s been becoming the delightful human you love now, she’s also been through enormous societal shifts. My strong suspicion is that if you explain to Grandma why you’re vegan (using “I” statements so she doesn’t think you’re trying to change her), followed up by offering her some incredible Jewish vegan food to whet her palate, she’ll be happy for you. Regardless of how she feels about veganism, she is obviously crazy about you, and it’s more likely than not that she’ll celebrate—not admonish—your big life changes.

There are a ton of Jewish vegan bakeries and delis, including Mort & Betty’s in Los Angeles, Sam & Gertie’s in Chicago, Lil’ Yenta’s in Philadelphia, and Ben & Esther’s all up and down the West Coast. Can you get your hands on some of their concoctions? If not, Lilly’s Baking Company has a vegan rugelach to die for—and, blissfully, it ships (via gtfoitsvegan.com). Include Grandma in the process, and she’ll be kvelling in no time.

One last thing: My own grandma went vegetarian (mostly vegan) when she was 86, after learning about what was happening to animals behind closed doors. Don’t underestimate our elderly relatives; they’re frequently more resilient, adaptable, and open-minded than we give them credit for.

Praise seitan

QI’m a recent college graduate with a few close friends who have recently gone gluten-free and swear by it, saying it helps with their GI issues and energy levels. They aren’t vegan, but they are actively reducing their meat and dairy consumption like so many are these days. Here’s where the problem comes: I feel like I only recently got into the swing of being vegan, and though I am indeed curious about the health benefits they swear by, I’m not sure I’m ready—or maybe even willing—to give up gluten. As a vegan, I feel like I often overcompensate when it comes to dining out to make life easier (I’ve dealt with more boring salads and fries than I care to admit), and now, being the odd person out again, I worry I’ll stop being invited out altogether. Entering the “grown-up world” is hard enough without having to fear the loss of my group of girls. Do I need to go gluten-free in order to stay relevant to my tightest circle?

Sincerely,

Wheaty, Not Meaty

AWheaty, my sweetie—can I be super-straightforward for a moment? It sounds like the bulk of the issue you’re having is not related to anything your friends have actually done— rather, you seem to be borrowing trouble from the future and assuming your “closest friends” will drop you just for biting into a seitan sub (and now I’m getting hungry, so thanks a bunch).

You sound like a really sensitive, sweet person who is doing their very best to navigate a complicated phase of life at a complicated moment in history. And to be honest, I can totally recognize myself in you— back when I was in my 20s and constantly worried that the people around me were disapproving of my every move, from whom I dated to what I wore. It took me years of therapy to face the fact that these people weren’t really thinking about me very much in the first place, since they were caught up in their own worlds and doing their best to navigate life, too.

But ultimately, no: you definitely don’t need to give up gluten—or anything else that’s a part of your life—in order to “stay relevant.” Unless you have celiac disease, eating wheat is completely fine. Here’s the even better news: most vegan restaurants have plenty of gluten-free options, so you and your old buddies can find some common ground by finding some vegan spots to enjoy together. I promise that nobody will perceive you as a gluten glutton.

Like I said, the time right after college can be difficult. I’m happy for you that you’ve already found veganism, and I encourage you to start to see that choice as an extension of your worldview and your identity. You might already know yourself better than you think; trust that, and trust the people around you to love you as your true, gorgeous self—wheat and all.

Family frenzy

QWhen I was a teenager, I suffered from a pretty serious eating disorder. I even left school for a while to go into a treatment facility. Now I’m in my 20s, and I feel like I’m in a healthy place (most of the time) with my eating and body image. Not long ago, I saw a documentary about animal agriculture, and I slowly started to remove animal products from my diet. Eating them just didn’t sit right with me, once I learned about all the suffering animals endure. I’m about 99-percent vegan now (there are still some condiments in my fridge I’m using up, but I won’t buy animal-based foods again after they’re gone), and I recently realized I’m basically hiding my veganism from my family and some of my friends. I’m terrified they will think my eating disorder is back, even though that’s not at all what’s going on. The irony is that part of my old disorder was to hide what I was (and wasn’t) eating, so this feels especially bad and eerily familiar. How can I tell my friends and family about this new part of my life without stressing them out?

Sincerely,

Ethical Eater

AI’m grateful you reached out, as this is a complex issue—and one that I won’t be able to fully address in this column, so I do encourage you to also work with a therapist on how to best communicate to your family and friends. That said, I have had several friends in this exact position, and I know how wrought it can be to feel you need to hide something so beautiful about yourself—your emerging veganism, an honorable extension of your belief system. I hear you loud and clear that you’re making this choice because of ethics, and I want to take a moment to applaud you for that! When I went vegan more than 18 years ago, it represented a giant step toward finding and living my truth. I believe the same is happening for you now, and after suffering from an eating disorder and finding your way to the other side, your step toward authenticity was more like a giant leap. Brava!

It would also make sense that your family might doubt your motivation at first, especially after seeing your struggle with food. I think the main thing that will be on your side here is time. Be patient and kind with your family, just as you want them to be with you. I would also suggest transparency and forthrightness. Consider telling your family exactly what you said here: that this is a choice you’ve made with your eyes wide open, and that you are concerned they will see it as deprivation. Remember that even some non-vegans who don’t have that added layer of concern might see veganism as deprivation, whereas we all know it’s completely the opposite; when I went vegan, an entire culinary world opened up to me. It might take your family some time to really take that in.

If it eases your family’s concerns, and if you’re interested, you might also consider working with a nutritionist so your fam feels you are showing accountability to someone else regarding your eating. But at the end of the day, you are in charge of yourself, and if you are meeting your proper nutritional needs on a consistent basis, and feeling joy around your veganism, then you can trust that you are on your own path. I am confident that over time, your family will trust that, too.

Final thing: invite them over to eat. Nothing is a better advocate for veganism than incredible food. Show your loved ones how varied, decadent, sating, and palate-pleasing veganism can be.

JASMIN SINGER (jasminsinger.com) is the author of The VegNews Guide to Being a Fabulous Vegan and Always Too Much and Never Enough: A Memoir, and is the host of The VegNews Podcast and the co-host of the Our Hen House podcast.