Review: How do you drink your tea?

How do you drink your tea?

Can I just say you’re tea-rrific? Puns aside, I’m writing this at the pointy-end of the semester and things have been a lot lately. Protests, pandemics, ever polarising politics. Maybe checking the news constantly doesn’t help, but most days my mind is a riot.

I recently read The Book of Ichigo Ichie by Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles. That

wonderful little olive book introduced me to the idea of making the most of each fleeting

moment, and chanoyu—the way of tea—wherein one consumes tea ritually and mindfully.

I’m still working on the former, but mindfully sipping a cup of tea at the end of each frenzied day has become a ritual. It helps me escape it all, at least for a little while.

So, whether you’re in need of creativi-tea, want to feel like royal-tea, or need a little positivi-tea, I’m here to spill the tea on… well, tea.

Words Jordan White Artwork Emma Horner

Chai Tea

Tea leaf rating: Exotic. Spicy. Need a nightcap? Add a splash of whiskey. Enjoy it in the bathtub, before the rising sun, or spilling everywhere from your keep cup as you frantically run after the train. Mmm, fragrant. As for chai tea’s inbred cousin, the chai latte? Don’t even chai and convince me, brew. Adding so much milk to so many spices was a steep in the wrong direction. At least you chai-d.

Matcha

Tea leaf rating:

Oh matcha, where have you been all my life? A fine powder of green tea leaves, this silky smooth blend has enough caffeine to keep you going without the added coffee-induced anxiety. Check out Phat Coffee on Hindley for a mean soy matcha latte. Have fun paying $6.60, though.

Earl Grey

Tea leaf rating:

Described as ‘heaven-sent’ on the label, and ‘like the scrapping from a dirty floor’ by Karen B on ProductReview, this tea is average at best. Meek and mild, legend says it can never be brewed the same twice. Stay away from the Twinings Earl Grey blend. In fact, stay away from Earl Grey altogether. Save yourself $3, drink your own piss*. It’ll be the same temperature and might hopefully taste like something.

English Breakfast

Tea leaf rating:

Everyone has their English Breakfast moment. Mine is sharing a tea with my late grandmother before the humming heater every Thursday growing up. Oh, the nostalgia. Anyway… you can’t really go wrong with this timeless classic.

KOMBUCHA

Tea leaf rating: There’s obviously a correlation between the rise of this ‘drink’, and Melbourne losing its place as the most livable city. If earl grey tastes like piss, kombucha tastes like the smell of mouldy skunk piss. I really can’t comprehend why people drink this.

Invited to a party you’d rather not be at? Nothing says fuck you like a DIY kombucha kit clad in the cheapest, nastiest bow you can find. Trust me.