Taboo: Failure

Edition 36 | 2020

Failure

Words Nina Phillips Photography Kaitlyn Davison

The hypnotic blue glow of my laptop screen burns my retinas and taunts my mind, as I stare into the endless void of a blank Word document. It’s three in the morning and my only companion is a lone cursor that blinks at me every 1.25 seconds like an anxious parent. “C’mon. Just type something, anything,” the flashing line seems to implore me. I sigh and clasp my hands together in an attempt to crack my knuckles. Ragged fingernails bite dry, paper-like skin, but, having cracked the joints mere moments before, a satisfying pop does not greet my ears. Instead, my shoulders slump forward and posture crumples beneath the weight of the early morning silence.

Ahhh… There’s nothing quite like an anxiety-riddled night of knuckle cracking and nail biting to send the stress levels soaring and crush your sense of self-worth. Am I right or am I right? Perhaps you’ve got a bunch of exams coming up and don’t know how or where to start. Or maybe you’re unsure about an essay topic and have, once again, left your assignment to the day before the deadline. Whatever the situation, it seems to me that the further into my degree I get, the less motivated I am to study and the more unlikely I am to complete assessments on-time. Lately, simple tasks—like typing in a blank Word document—feel increasingly difficult to complete. And I often find myself binge-watching anything I can, whether it’s a flashing cursor or The Office, in order to unintentionally intentionally—or potentially, intentionally unintentionally—avoid my university work altogether.

Procrastination is a sly and cunning beast that spares no one. It slithers into our minds and instructs us to avoid unpleasantness at all costs. With a multitude of unwatched Netflix shows and other digital distractions a click away, anyone can fall into its vicious cycle of self-destruction. It’s human nature. We procrastinate to avoid feeling overwhelmed but feel overwhelmed because we procrastinate. Thus, it can be extremely difficult to break free— Even when… God knows, God knows you want to break free!

Sure, you could simply Google, ‘how to avoid procrastination,’ and hope one of the 8,130,000 search results will teach you a life-hack or two. But in terms of university study, let’s consider why we procrastinate.

For many of us, it is not the unpleasantness of the work itself that leads to a cycle of procrastination. After all, the majority of us choose to be here. And yet, it’s easy to forget that our interests and life ambitions are not set in stone. Take me for example. When I began my double degree in journalism and English literature, I was vehemently opposed to the idea of working anywhere that wasn’t a well-established print newspaper. I wanted to be a “proper” fourth-estate, hard news journalist. However, over the years, various creativity-driven classes and assignments have challenged me to explore other modes of news reporting. While I still possess a desire to seek and report “The Truth”, after completing my degree I plan to travel abroad and use a range of digital mediums to creatively deliver intriguing news stories. Or at least, that’s what I tell my ever-concerned rellies. In truth, I fear I am neither cut out for a nine-to-five nor freelance journo lifestyle. And, as the pandemic continues to test the bounds of travel and economic stability of the media industry, my future job prospects seem to be dwindling.

In times of social and economic strife, our personal plans and goals are often greatly tested. For quite a few university students, I’d wager, the present uncertainty surrounding the future has resulted in several nights of intense procrastination and, potentially, a bunch of failed assignments, exams and/or subjects. Personally, if it wasn’t for the complimentary non-graded passes in SP2 of 2020, my GPA would have dropped quite significantly this year. However, it must be noted, this is not a new phenomenon. In a not so distant past, when our every move was not yet dampened by the sinister shadow of a global pandemic, we university students were still procrastinating and struggling to pass like no tomorrow. I believe, it is our internal uncertainty, amplified by the pressures of societal and cultural ideas, that is the most damming motivator of procrastination. As aforementioned, our interests and life ambitions are constantly changing. And yet, we are expected— by ourselves and others—to complete our university degrees with a clear idea of how our lives will unfold—all the whilst juggling part-time jobs, relationships, hobbies, social lives and more.

In a world that demands clear goals and constant productivity, you may feel alone in your tendencies to procrastinate when the going gets tough. Just know, you’re not alone. We all do it. And for good reason too. Life can be… shitty sometimes, and bloody busy and frustrating too. However, I don’t believe normalising procrastination and avoiding unpleasantness all together is the solution here. After all, how else, without countless sleepless nights of pre-exam jitters, will we discover our unsuitability toward a certain career path. But perhaps, normalising failure might not be such a bad thing. Personal and societal demands for certainty—in terms of career aspirations— are as dangerous as they are impossible. Likewise, the capitalistic desire for everyone to be constantly productive calls for an unrealistic expectation of humans to behave like machines. Isn’t it time we treat ourselves like people?

By normalising failure at university, we could encourage each other to learn from our mistakes and determine where our strengths lie. Whether it’s an assignment, an exam or a subject, there shouldn’t be any shame in speaking to your peers and tutors about your academic struggles. In turn, your procrastination—fuelled by a fear of failure and uncertainty toward the future—could lessen.

Rather than hiding behind your procrastination, learn to implore it. Ask yourself: Why am I procrastinating? Is it uncertainty? Is it a fear of failure? How can I work around these feelings?

Remember, failure is not weakness and procrastination is simply a manifestation of our fears and uncertainties. These feelings don’t have to consume us.