The Signs According to Willy Wonka Characters

Illustration Nikki Sztolc Words Stephanie Montatore

Aries

21 Mar - 19 Apr Violet Beauregarde ‘I’m the world record holder in chewing gum, I’m not afraid of anything.’ Here to win with her ‘go big or go home’ attitude, Violet ultimately ends up with a body as big as her personality!

Taurus

20 Apr - 20 May Augustus Gloop ‘I’m eating the Wonka Bar and I taste something that is not chocolate, or coconut, or walnut or peanut butter…’ Death by chocolate… certainly not the worst way to go, but forever the choice of a gluttonous Taurus (honestly same).

Gemini

21 May - 20 June Veruca Salt ‘If you won’t get me a squirrel, I’ll get one myself.’ The OG strategic, two-faced, salty ‘bad nut’.

Cancer

21 June - 22 Jul Grandpa Joe ‘I’d give anything in the world to go back in and see what has become of that amazing factory.’ Was just there for the nostalgia and some emotional support while children literally got executed.

Leo

23 Jul - 22 Aug Mike Teavee ‘In the end I only had to buy one candy bar.’ Did not even like chocolate and STILL won a golden ticket! Clearly Leo’s win at life, but not at Wonka’s factory.

Virgo

23 Aug - 22 Sept Mrs Bucket ‘Nothing goes better with cabbage than cabbage.’ Self-made hustler; cooking cabbage soup on the daily and just trying to keep the grandparents contained.

Libra

23 Sept - 22 Oct Ms Beauregarde ‘She [Violet] is just a driven young woman, I don’t know where she gets it!’ Kris Jenner walked so this mumager could run (but she would never break a sweat in her perfectly pristine turquoise tracksuit).

Scorpio

23 Oct - 21 Nov Mr Salt ‘Veruca dear, you have many marvellous pets.’ Would do anything for family… except give Veruca her Pony.

Sagittarius

22 Nov - 21 Dec A herd of Oompa Loompas *singing* ‘Oompa-loompa, Oompa-loompa, Oompa-loompa, Oompa-loompa, WEE!’ Always here for a good time (or random flash dance). Goes a little too hard on the Bondi Sands.

Capricorn

22 Dec - 19 Jan Mr Teavee ‘Most of the time I don’t know what he [Mike] is talking about… kids these days with the technology’ Just sad that kids these days do not stay kids for long because ‘back in his day…

Aquarius

20 Jan - 18 Feb Willy Wonka ‘Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!’ So delectable and darn good looking… but that is just his chocolate. HA.

Pisces

19 Feb - 20 Mar Charlie Bucket ‘I found it! The last Golden Ticket!’ Wholesome AF. Has a heart as gold as his ticket.