Vertigo Magazine - Issue 4 by Elle Williams

saving tasmaniaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s forests the future of literacy yoga saved my life

UTSVERTIGO.COM

2012

editors Martha Azzi Jezelle Boughaleb Mariam Chehab Lisa Dieu Azal Khan Jessica Looi

CREATIVE directors Elle Williams Ben Walker

Are textbooks crippling your budget? Save up to 50% at the Students’ Association Second-Hand Bookshop For some 20 years now, the UTS Students’ Association has helped students save money on textbooks through our not-for-profit second-hand bookstore. Rather than spending hundreds on spanking new books which you probably only need for 6 months, you can buy up-to-date books at a reduced price, and then resell with us after your exams to recover your money.

Haymarkets Store Haymarkets Store Room 12, Level 1, Building 5A, in the green space.

For hours and catalogue go to sa.uts.edu.au/books

the future 8 of literacY

CONTRIBUTORS Nicole ADAMS Bernadette BURKE Ally BURNIE Tabitha CHAN Uppy CHATTOPADHYAY Madeleine CLARKE Ned COOPER Sports Fanatic Zeynab GAMIELDIEN Jackelyn HO Alistair JEDLIN Francesca JOESOEP Kandi Cynthia LAM Jacinta MCDOWALL Sophia PHAN Olivia SHEAD Tom SMITH Hannah STORY Cyna STRACHAN

saved 22 yoga my life Editorial

What’s on

what’s happened

12 defamer 16 PHOTOJOURNALISM 18 showcase 25 pop culture 26 8 ball 28 a traumatic end 32 did you know 34 fitness

Stephanie King

35 sport

WITH THANKS TO

36 reviews

Jade Tyrell et al. Spotpress Pty Ltd, Marrickville

Vertigo and its entire contents are protected by copyright. Vertigo will retain reprint rights, contributors retain all other rights for resale and republication. No material may be reproduced without the prior written consent of the copyright holders. Vertigo would like to show its respect and acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of the Land, the Gadigal and Guring-gai people of the Eora Nation, upon whose ancestral lands the university now stands. More than 500 Indigenous Nations shared this land for over 40,000 years before invasion. We express our solidarity and continued commitment to working with Indigenous peoples in Australia and around the world, in their ongoing struggle for land rights, self-determination, sovereignty, and the recognition and compensation for past injustices.

10 in a nutshell

ADVERTISING

COVER IMAGE

Level 3, Tower Building near the foodcourt.

tasmania’s 14 saving forests

ART & DESIGN Derek LAU

Madeleine CLARKE

Broadway Store

CONTENTS

38 best of 40 recipes Correction It has come to the attention of Vertigo that an article in the previous issue of Vertigo titled UTS: Home Sweet Home wrongly attributed a trivia-night event to the UTS Engineering Society (EngSoc). Vertigo now understands that EngSoc did not host that event, and our reporting was in error. We apologise to EngSoc for any unnecessary hurt or embarrassment that may have been caused by this error. - Vertigo Editors

42 best of 43 random rant 44 advice 45 toilet etiquette 46 sudoku/who’s checking you out

48 SA & collective reports

Vertigo is published by the UTS STUDENTS ASSOCIATION Printed by SPOTPRESS PTY LTD, MARRICKVILLE Email advertising@utsvertigo.com for advertising enquiries Printed in May, 2012

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

EDITORIAL Hey Vertigoers! So it’s time for edition 4. Hope you’ve enjoyed the content we’ve given you and congrats on getting this far through the year! We’re now at that awkward point where we’re getting back our mid-semester results and we should be studying or working towards our end of semester assessments. When chilling out and waiting for our tutor/lecturer/seminar leader to motivate us to work seems the easier option. When you question whether or not it’s worth coming in to uni just for that annoying one hour lecture/tutorial/seminar. But you should do it anyway! Just think, if you get through the next few gruelling weeks (and yes, they probably will be gruelling) you’ll be free to enjoy the holidays! Ah, that glorious time when we frolic and rejoice in our freedom. Snow trip? Check. Pigging out on junk food? Check. Meeting up with friends, catching up on sleep and partying like there’s no tomorrow? Check! check! check! So while you’re pencilling in your long-awaited holiday plans, why not flick through edition 4 of Vertigo? This issue ponders the loss of the Queensland Premier’s Literary Award while exploring the effectiveness of the International Criminal Court. Read about an intriguing individual who has dedicated more than five months of her life protesting – from a tree! Follow the journey of one young traveller as she traipsed through California and New York in her wonderful photographs. Find out about how one reader found her salvation in yoga, and another discovered that elevators should not be slid down when intoxicated. We’ll take a glimpse into the lives of some very unfortunate criminals and we’ll find out the best way to behave in a public restroom too.

lisa MARTHA

AZAL

JEZELLE

Don’t forget to send your work to submissions@utsvertigo.com Now go kill those assessments! Jess

The Vertigo team MARIAM JESSICA

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

WHAT’S ON

what’s happened

june MARTHA AZZI

MONDAY

TUESDAY

wedneSDAY

thursDAY

friDAY

saturDAY

UTS Green Week begins. Held over four days, you can take part in a range of activities with a chance to win great prizes .

Seen by thousands of uni students, the NSW state Finals DJ Comp will be held at the Loft.

1 World Environment Day

Watch movies from over 40 countries as the Sydney Film Festival begins.

World Oceans Day – our planet’s biggest celebration of the ocean.

4 Examination period begins! But if you don’t have exams today head down to Darling Harbour for the Jazz and Blues Festival.

Head to The Rocks for the second last day of Vivid Light from 6pm as the city is ‘switched on’ and transformed into an interactive light artwork.

Queen’s birthday. No Uni!

11 Are weekends boring? Well head to the snow! The UTS union offers trips every weekend in June to Thredbo or Perisher.

Visit the UTS Gallery for the Homelands expo, where two artists explore the concepts of space and place.

18 Hungry? Well visit the loft for KebaBBQ, on every Monday at the Loft.

Visit the world’s best known personalities at Madame Tussauds at the Aquarium Wharf, Darling Harbour.

SUNDAY

CRAM.

Visit Australia’s largest contemporary art expo the 18th Biennale of Sydney: all our relations featuring artist from all over the world .

Nursing and Midwifery Careers Fair

Closing date for applications for internal course transfer for Spring semester 2012 .

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

HULK.

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“...Writers are primary producers; they are poorly paid, they are often badly dressed, but they are indispensable to any civilised culture.”

IN DEFENCE OF

LITERATURE

Young writer Hannah Story gets upset about the loss of the Queensland Premier’s Literary Awards and ponders the repercussions for her and her fellow writing students across the country.

I woke on the morning of Wednesday the 4th of April, lazily scrolled through the latest news stories and discovered one about the axing of the Queensland Premier’s Literary Awards. In my drowsy state I struggled to comprehend the implications – for Queenslanders and for the rest of the country. I soon came to realise that my confusion was not symptomatic of being half-asleep; I was genuinely perplexed. And even as I wrote this piece, I was informed that there was no Pulitzer Prize for Fiction this year as the judging panel could not come to an agreement. As a budding writer in 21st century Australia, I’m looking for any leg-up I can get. In a world where literary prizes are discarded like so many rotting vegetables, what hope do I have? It is no understatement to say that pursuing a career in writing is notoriously difficult. Not in the least because there’s so much competition in the industry. Not only are there hundreds of us sitting beside you in UTS lecture halls (whether we be in the Arts and Social Sciences or not), there are thousands in universities Australia-wide, as well as in the actual jobmarket – whether interning for free or very little, or working in a job in the “creative industries” whilst haphazardly scribbling our debut novels onto sticky notes. We are not a rare breed. The Queensland Premier’s Literary Awards have been an important part of Queensland’s cultural landscape for the last 12 years. Some of the country’s best and most successful writers, including Tim Winton and Helen Garner, have been previous recipients of the prize. What the awards acknowledge is beyond mere competence with words – it is the worth of writing in all its forms with categories for emerging writers and the only prize in Australia for unpublished Indigenous writers. The opportunities presented by these prizes extend to the most disadvantaged people in Australian society as well as praising peoples’ attempts to enter a field with many barriers to entry; after all, ‘it is who you know, not what you know’. Ex-premier Peter Beattie told ABC Radio National that he established the awards “to ensure that there was a creative spirit in Queensland… what the difficulty is when you’re a writer and you’re struggling, it doesn’t matter how brilliant you are, it’s actually getting your work published.” Without an award for emerging writers, the opportunities to do so are cut drastically. Professor John Dale, novelist and UTS lecturer, speaks of the value of awards such as these, “to encourage writers to tell Australian stories. Writers are primary producers; they are poorly paid, they are often badly dressed, but they are indispensable to any civilised culture.” These are people who on average earn $11,000 a year. Not much really. Any prize money goes a fair way towards each writer’s next epic. In a sudden and possibly unwarranted cost-cutting measure, new Queensland Premier, Campbell Newman, decided to send

a message that is more than just ‘Look, we’re saving money!’ but what seems to be a dismissal of the value of the literary arts, during what was meant to be the National Year of Reading. They have saved taxpayers $244,475, a meager sum in the scheme of things, as Brisbane-based writer Nick Earls pointed out, “reducing your debt by 0.00028%”. What is more horrifying than the fact that this is but a drop in an ocean of probable spending cuts is that this is sending a message about the future of both Queensland and Australian culture. Beattie fears that without a strong cultural landscape, creative people will be reluctant to join the Queensland economy, as well as discouraging people who are already within the industry. After all, as he said, “the arts are really important for our quality of life, but they are just as important for jobs”. In the words of Dr. Sarah Attfield, poet and UTS tutor, “to cancel such a prize is to deny the importance and significance of Australian literature and points to a short-sighted government with no understanding of the value of the arts in general.” In terms of literature’s capacity to improve quality of life, Annabel Stafford, a freelance writer and UTS lecturer has this to say, “writing and reading help us articulate what it is to live as ourselves and to imagine what it is to live as someone else. That is, they help us develop empathy”. These words are echoed by writing students from UTS and even statewide, including one Cheryl Billman, an aspiring writer from Queensland: “Stories help shape our future, define our present and honour our past. And yet there are still people – and it seems that many of them inhabit Queensland’s political landscape – who believe that they’re a waste”. But what do we as young writers in New South Wales have to fear? Our premier, Barry O’Farrell has emphatically assured the general public that the New South Wales Premier’s Literary Awards will continue, better than ever. I think the issue goes beyond state-bound policy. I think the need here is to address certain condescension towards the worth of literature. Just by reading comment threads on news websites you get an indication of this sentiment and I am filled with unease. If people don’t appreciate the worth of literature and the arts in general, does this mean I and others with aspirations like mine have to, horror-of-horrors, find another profession? Well no. I’m not going to do that. I, like fans of the Queensland Premier’s Literary Awards, am keen to keep trucking on. They’ve got a petition with almost 2000 signatures surfing the internet, whilst a group of writers plan to hold the awards anyway, but without prize money. And I’m going to collect all my sticky notes covered in poorly-worded metaphors and piece them together to construct a novella, and hope that someone someday might give it a glimpse. VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

IN A NUTSHELL Don’t have time to trawl through the stacks of newspaper articles to keep up-to-date with current affairs? In a Nutshell cracks those difficult issues and simplifies them to digestible bite-size pieces – so you can sound smart in your next class or discussion group.

THE

ICC

such as those that were set up (before the ICC existed) to persecute those responsible for atrocities in Rwanda and the former Yugoslavia. The ICC is a relative latecomer to the international justice scene, but will have the field to itself when the temporary tribunals close their doors.

Who has the ICC pursued?

This year marks the 10th anniversary of the establishment of the International Criminal Court (ICC). The ICC in The Hague began operating in 2002 and secured its very first conviction in March 2012 against Congolese warlord Thomas Lubanga, who was found guilty of having committed war crimes of conscripting children under the age of 15 years and using them to actively participate in hostilities in the Democratic Republic of Congo. The anniversary provides an opportunity to examine the practice and impact of the Court, as well as assessing its future possibilities.

The “Kony 2012” YouTube video, which has almost 90 million views, has recently put the ICC in the spotlight. Joseph Kony was indicted by the ICC in 2005 for war crimes and crimes against humanity, including abducting children and turning them into slaves and soldiers. But Kony is still at large and refuses to sign a peace deal until the ICC revokes its arrest warrant. Another prominent leader to be charged by the ICC is Laurent Gbagbo, former president of the Ivory Coast. He has been charged with murder, rape, persecution and “other inhuman acts” which relate to the violence that followed the disputed 2010 elections. The Court also has an outstanding arrest warrant against Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir – the first against a serving head of state. He faces five counts of crimes against humanity, three counts of genocide and two counts of war crimes. But al-Bashir remains at liberty as Sudan is not a part of the ICC and many African signatories to the Court have refused to cooperate with his arrest.

What is the court designed to do?

Who is paying?

The role of the ICC is to prosecute and hold accountable those responsible for the worst crimes – genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity – and provide justice to victims. It is described as a court of last resort as it has the power to intervene when national authorities cannot or refuse to prosecute. The ICC is a permanent court, which makes it different from several international courts that are of a temporary nature. The ICC is a permanent body which replaces ad-hoc tribunals

The ICC has an annual budget of 108 million euros ($US140 million) and has 700 employees. Its plans for a permanent headquarters will cost 120 million euros ($US155 million). The ICC is funded by the states that have signed the Rome Statute, and their contributions are roughly based on their national wealth. Japan, Germany, France and Britain are among the largest contributors, but the absence of the USA makes the funding of the ICC more expensive for others.

AZAL KHAN

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

The effectiveness of the ICC There are a number of factors that limit the effectiveness of the International Criminal Court: - The Rome Statute (the treaty which established the ICC and governs its structure and functions) has been ratified by 121 states so far, meaning they bound themselves to co-operate. A further 34 have signed and may ratify it in the future. Jordan is the only Arab state to have ratified it so far. There is a difference between signing and ratifying a treaty: when a country signs a treaty it is not bound by it, but if it ratifies it, the nation will be bound by the treaty and is obligated to refrain from acts that would defeat its purpose. There are many dissenting countries that refuse to submit to the jurisdiction of the ICC and have not signed the treaty such as the USA, China, India, Pakistan and Turkey. Others have signed but remain dubious and have not ratified, including Iran, Israel and Russia. It is unlikely that any alleged crimes against humanity committed by these countries will be prosecuted by the ICC. Prosecutor of the ICC, Luis Moreno-Ocampo, rejected a three-year-old request by the Palestinian Authority to become a member of the Court so the ICC could investigate possible war crimes committed by Israel in its assault on Gaza at the end of 2008. Moreno-Ocampo rejected the request because the UN hadn’t recognised Palestine as a state. The absence of key world powers from the list of nations that have signed the Rome Statute limits the political and

financial support received by the ICC. The ICC has no power to prosecute individuals who are committing crimes against humanity in those countries which have not signed the Rome Statute. International law can be effective if countries choose to adopt it – but many nations ignore international law that is contrary to their interests, making these laws redundant. • The ICC doesn’t have its own police force to track down and arrest suspects. Instead it must rely on national police services to make arrests and transfer suspects to The Hague, creating difficulty when trying to secure a speedy trial. • So far, the ICC has indicted government and militia leaders from Africa. In the past decade, only a small number of people have been put on trial as the process is slow. Currently, the ICC has six people in custody and has issued 20 arrest warrants. • The Court does not have universal jurisdiction and can only deal with crimes committed after July 2002.

International law can be effective if countries choose to adopt it – but many nations ignore international law that is contrary to their interests, making these laws redundant. Where to from here?

The 10th anniversary of the ICC offers an occasion to pause and reflect on its contribution to the international justice system in the past decade. In a legal sense, ten years is relatively young and its takes time for any court to establish itself. But it is significant that the ICC was able to secure a high-profile arrest without the support of key world powers such as the US. For those who have suffered mass atrocities, the ICC is performing a useful role in restoring confidence in the global justice system.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

the

Defamer since 2010

BY TABITHA CHAN AND MARIAM CHEHAB

Billionaire mining magnate Clive Palmer has announced that he will build the Titanic II, a luxury cruise liner that will be a replica of the original Titanic. The ship, to be built in China, will be equipped with modern technology and will set sail in 2016 on the same maiden voyage as the first one.

DISCLAIMER: The images and text portrayed are not intended to defame any individual, group or organisation. This is our attempt at satire; apologies if our sense of humour is not in line with yours.

12 +

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

13 +

PHOTOGRAPHY ALAN LESHEIM For more than five months, Miranda Gibson has been protesting against the logging of Tasmania’s forests on top of a 60 metre tree. Olivia Shead talked to her about her goals and the state of the environment in the Tasmanian state.

PROTESTING ON A HIGH

“I haven’t set a time limit on it but I’m committed to staying up here for as long as is needed.”

A few weeks ago the name Miranda Gibson was relatively unknown. Yet when Bob Brown stepped down as leader of the Greens on April 13, he catapulted her story to the forefront of Australian news. By the time Vertigo went to print, Gibson had been sitting 60 metres above ground for 154 days. 154 days of not stepping a foot on solid ground. Where she sits is in ‘The Observer Tree,’ a platform on an old-growth Eucalyptus, in the core of Tasmania’s southern forests. The forests are part of 430,000 hectares that were promised to go into a conservation agreement by state and federal government. However, logging has certainly not stopped, with some sections of high-value forest even seeing a growth in manmade destruction. “Recently some groups did a fly over to have a look at what’s going on in the forest,” explains Gibson. “Not only is logging occurring, but new roads are actually being pushed into pristine areas of old-growth forest that had never been logged before”. Both the government and the logging industry have justified the destruction by saying that wood supply contracts have to be fulfilled. “While some harvesting work could be moved, it was not possible to reschedule harvesting in a small number of coupes,” said Environment Minister, Tony Burke. Gibson was quick to dismiss this notion: “I mean they’re basically ignoring one of the key clauses that was written into the agreement. That said that if there were contracts that couldn’t be sourced from outside of that area, then those contracts were to be met by compensation rather than allowing access to the logging”. For many, this is all new information, but logging has been in Gibson’s life for a very long time. Her determination stems from 2008, when she was violently assaulted by logging contractors for standing up for her beliefs. Unlike many, she was not deterred; putting her teaching career on hold, she climbed to the top of the Observer Tree on the 14th of December, 2011. “It’s really crucial that at this point in time people know what’s going on in Tasmania… often it’s really hard to get that message out there and for people to find out about what’s going on. One of my main motivations was really that I could see there was this misconception around in the public that the forest was saved because of this agreement and I thought it was really important to expose the truth”. Her platform is equipped with a solar panel and wind generator, allowing her to access the internet and phone and therefore communicate to the world through video footage and her daily blog. Fellow activists bring her food and water, which with a

pulley system she is able to haul up. Life is certainly more challenging, but it is not discouraging Gibson. “I haven’t set a time limit on it but I’m committed to staying up here for as long as is needed… a legislation is supposed to be put to the parliament by the end of June but that could take another three months to go through and whether or not it’s going to be adequate is another question”. It is clear to see that environmentalists and the logging industry are locked in a highly charged power play. The government is going around in circles and seemingly finding it impossible to reach a conclusion that benefits both parties. After the forest was promised protection, still more negotiations are having to be had and for now the promise seems to be simply just that – a vow that’s yet to be fulfilled. “A lot of people in Tasmania really want the issue resolved, we are all hoping that we will get the adequate amount of forest protection out of this to get a positive outcome but it is still open to see what happens”. It may seem like Gibson is fighting a one-man battle, however she is certainly not alone. An independent verification group commissioned by the state and federal government came to agreeable conclusions, finding that the government agency Forestry Tasmania is exceeding logging by double the sustainable rate. The group’s chairman, Jonathan West, said that the overlogging led Tasmania to “excessive risk of resource depletion and market rejection”. This is further emphasised by Malaysianbased company Ta Ann, being accused as the main driver of Tasmania’s logging. Their products, which are sold as flooring, promote sustainable forestry and are marketed as eco-friendly; however Gibson believes this could not be further from the truth. “Ta Ann are misleadingly marketing their wood products as environmentally friendly and plantation based products,” says Gibson. “Yet there is well-documented evidence that they continue to source their wood from high conservation value forests. It is vital that Ta Ann’s customers are informed about the origins of these products”. Ta Ann though has been quick to defend, with spokesman Alan Ashbarry stating, “Ta Ann Tasmania rejects the claims that we are misleading the market or our customers. All our wood is supplied under the independent PEFC [Caring for Our Forest Globally] certification system”. But with the recent landmark study showing the unsustainability of forestry, evidence currently falls heavily in the environmentalists’ court. Yet for now, as Gibson poignantly says, “All we can do is wait and see”.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

COAST TO COAST I think the best way to describe this series is, “travelling to cities highly exposed in the media to find out whether they really are as amazing as they’re made to look (they are)”, but that’s a silly name for a photography series, right? This series is called Coast To Coast, where I spent two weeks on the West Coast and then flew five hours east sitting next to Ruby Rose on the plane (I’m not even kidding) to spend a week in the core of the Big Apple. My name is Uppy and I’m in my last year of Journalism. I’ve been taking photos for years now, but it’s travel and concert photography that really push my shutter. For those fellow uni students who can’t afford to travel too much at the moment, I’ve chosen these photos so you can live the vibe of California and New York City vicariously, until you too can get the hell out of Sydney and into the depths of the United States of ‘Murica.

Contrary to popular belief (and I bought into it, too), Ryan Gosling and Bradley Cooper don’t actually traipse up and down Hollywood Boulevard for us to latch onto and marry. Hollywood is actually home to a weird community of musos, aspiring actors, hipsters and tourists. Believe me when I say I’m hugely regretful that I didn’t have my camera on me when I saw a guy completely decked out in Victorian clothing (top hat, tailcoat, massive curly moustache, the whole deal) in a supermarket buying Kool-Aid.

If you have that preconceived notion of Venice Beach, California being all sunshine, skaters, BMX bikers, stoners and random ballin’ kids – you’d be absolutely right. Venice Beach has the most laid-back yet spirited atmosphere I’ve ever been immersed in. Close to every human being there has a pair of wheels attached to their body somewhere and it’s no wonder that this is where skateboarding as we know it today originated from.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

A mere 30 minutes out from Los Angeles’ infamous smog, Santa Monica, California brings out that ferris-wheel backgrounded view of the ocean that we see in so many Hollywood movies. Like Venice Beach, the sun beating down on the hot pavements do not send anyone cowering into air-conditioned restaurants. Instead, Santa Monica Pier is the place to go to eat authentic Mexican fajitas while listening to the acoustic stylings of many a Californian busker. It’s Christmas in California but it’s hard to ignore that it feels like summer all the time.

Well, isn’t this just the perfect encapsulation of what people dream New York City to be? Sister Act, Chicago, Smash, bright lights and yellow-chequered cabs; Times Square really does make you feel like you could have the world at your fingertips if you wanted to. Make sure you head to the three-level Toys’R’Us if you’re ever there - it has a ferris-wheel in the damn store. Walking up a few blocks will get you to the Rockefeller Plaza’s Lego Flagship store, the NBC Experience store, the Nintendo store and the Pokemon Centre. Nerds all over the world rejoice at the thought.

SoHo and neighbouring Tribeca are probably the Newtown and Darlinghurst of New York City. People here are dripping so much cool all over the place that tourists like me come in to clean up the sopping mess, hoping to soak some of it up myself. With quirky shops left, right and centre and huge graffiti artworks tucked into unsuspecting lanes, I was really excited to see these stickers slapped onto every surface imaginable, representing suburbs, dance crews, stores and inside jokes.

To me, these shiny chrome binoculars epitomise New York City’s concrete jungle experience. This view of the Big Apple’s gigantic sprawl is taken from the Empire State Building’s 86th floor observation deck and despite the astounding view, it was hard to get my mind off the fact that it was a chilling -8 degrees Celsius up there. The skyline we see in the distance is downtown New York City, home of the Wall Street Stock Exchange and the Financial District.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

SHOWCASE

Madeleine Clarke I work in watercolour and illustrative media. My work attempts to push the boundaries of my chosen medium and define a style that is original and challenging. I have been painting human faces and emotions since I began, I don’t really know why. I want people to have different ideas about what a portrait is trying to express and what it means, and I love hearing them. When you’re painting in watercolour it’s all about mistakes. Water can ruin or make a work. For me, art is about experimentation and expression and you can discover a lot about technique as well as yourself.

To see more of Madeleine’s work visit facebook.com/MadeleineClarkeFineArt

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

SHOWCASE How is one to feel by the sharpened arrows of the early morning sun that creeps its way in your brain through the cracks of the windows? Another morning, yet another day, a predictable straight line that leads to a dead end. Sitting down exploring strangest dreams ever one can have, sighting long roads that are filled with empty headed creatures that walk with scooters and broken guitars, guessing their unexciting everyday lives with an unlit cigarette. The voice of unseen faces and faces of the unknown on the walls of a tunnel that has been walked in more than a million times without the realisation they ever existed. The mystery behind the closed eyes and random faces behind that wall. The young, the wild, smokers and punks, gigs business man and whores. All sharing this long road of oblivion. With no purpose or with a purpose with no thought.

WORDS KANDI

Alright

Summer’s wicked heat giving no distractions

Wipe that mask off already

Its irrelevancy steams by, only intensifying the situation

It’s becoming extremely uncanny

My attention seems to narrow down to a sole thought

That’s better, now I can see a bit of colour, more-so grey

A reflection of what is bound to happen a minute longer

Oh what a typical girl you are, how very typical!

A summer’s mid-day filled with sin, felony, beyond barriers

You’ve still got the same features as the rest of them, and there you were deceiving me, with your personified philosophies and stolen lyrics

Induced me to cut apart the Forbidden Tree, my Adam?

But really you’re just the same. Same mould. Same shape. You sit there barbering on about your ego and pride, News flash darling. . . they don’t exist anymore You lost it all for the name of fantasy You let yourself be treated like a slave, just to see if the heavens have fresh milk You slide yourself in front of his feet, just so you could fetch him back a broken bone of your ribs He sees this weakness in you, and like anyone would, he uses it Takes advantage of it

We were brought up here through longing, surely that’s a valid defence. Not that any of it matters this discrete second, for our minds seem to shift off to a more pleasurable site The rush, the urge to finally meet the corresponding body, so close at last My fingers, they prize in time, Sensing the map of your body. My lips and eyes, satisfied at last, Watching you as if you were my bible– Tonguing the pages so sacredly, of a lowly disciple I read between the lines, Examining each word and letter with the thought of becoming a philosopher in them.

The sad part is, you let him

POETRY

My body, eager for more, Thighs tight around your hips, to prevent your sudden fleeting. To avoid demising our always present desire Your howls infiltrate into my decimated thoughts, as you begin to take control Drawn by the intense need to experience fire, and the even more urgent one to taste the raw flesh spread beneath you. Flipping joined bones together. The rumpled sheets slid against my sweat-slick skin, As you begin a driving rhythm that propels us up the bed. Conquering me without a battle Your mouth and hands sweep over mine, touching, tasting, laving. Panting, moaning, pleasure engulfing. My mind, crazed– Negligent in trying to justify our sodomy, In such naked honesty.

illustration DEREK LAU

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

THE PATH TO

HEALING Illness and trauma turned Bernadette Burke’s life upside down. But through the pain and uncertainty, one constant has helped her heal – yoga.

Has anyone ever told you that yoga “changed their life?” People have said it to me, but I never really took them seriously. However, now I’m one of those people. Yoga has changed my life, and so profoundly did it creep up and do its work that I didn’t even notice it until trauma and tragedy barged into my world, forcing me to look at the bigger picture. I took my first yoga class at the Sivananda Yoga Centre in London in 2006. That first course was enough for me to notice that I felt a little more energetic, yet rested, after ninety minutes of asana and a short, guided meditation. Something definitely stayed with me, and so I signed up for a second six-week course. I remember one of the teachers back then giving a little talk about meditation. “Some people can’t get through their day without a coffee. Well, I can’t get through my day without meditation,” he said. I clearly remember my internal reaction to this sentence: “Yeah, whatever.” I wrote the man off as a ridiculous hippie. Yoga was nice, but meditation every day? And the idea of relying on it? As if! Soon after finishing the second course in London, I flew back to Australia and commenced a new life in Melbourne. Thinking I had a better chance of sticking to yoga than any gym membership, I joined a yoga and pilates club. I noticed I hadn’t felt too depressed during my last couple of months in London – something I’d been fighting against for a long time. By the time the club closed down I had built such a strong dedication to regular yoga that there was no turning back. By this time, three years since I had begun yoga in London, I still had not relapsed into serious depression, and I had noticed a marked change in my general attitude to life. I was also beginning to see physical changes to my body that I had not believed possible. If I had stopped to think about it, I would probably have also realised that the man I had scoffed at in London years ago about meditation was far from a stupid hippie. Rather, it was me who had been stupidly unenlightened, and although I still did not have a good grip on exactly how to meditate, I cherished that ten minutes of Savasana at the end of each class dearly, and knew that I could not get through my week without it. Just before the yoga and pilates club announced its closure, I had signed up for a yoga teaching course. I joined a new centre and continued to attend religiously, staying fit and feeling on top of my world spiritually and emotionally. The year after I finished my Advanced Diploma of Yoga Teaching, I took a job in a remote community in Western Australia. I had signed a contract for a year and felt confident that I now had such a strong yoga practice that I could maintain it in a remote location, without needing classes for motivation. I could

keep working on the poses I wanted to achieve, and was disciplined enough to lie still for some Savasana after each session. Four months into my contract though, my life took a very unexpected turn. I got into the company four-wheel drive, with my work colleague in the passenger seat, and began a journey into the next town. We never made it there. Two hours into the drive, I hit a bad patch on the road, and lost control of the wheel. The next thing I remembered was waking up with blood running down my head. We were upside down in the middle of the road, trapped in a crushed vehicle. It had flipped and rolled six times, but I don’t remember that part – it’s just what I’m told. We were on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere, with no mobile phone reception. It was an absolute miracle that two truck drivers came past; making a trip they only did once a fortnight. They stopped and radioed an ambulance for us. The Royal Flying Doctor Service flew us to Darwin Hospital, and we both went straight into theatre. I stayed in the hospital for three weeks, my colleague just over a month. Once released from hospital, I flew back to Sydney. My right arm in a cast, I moved back in with my parents, because I couldn’t do much for myself. I was right-handed, but over the next few months learnt to do a lot of things left-handed. I’d also had a serious head injury, which left me with an enormous scar on my forehead. They’d shaved off all my hair in the hospital to sew it up, so when I looked in the mirror I saw an ugly woman, not the accomplished, long-haired feminine individual I had been working on becoming for so long. My skin had suffered living in the outback, and I’d put on weight from lying in a hospital bed for three weeks. I was also taking painkillers every day, which made me constipated and tired. My arm was not in the usual six-week cast. I had broken my wrist so seriously that I had several operations - it was in a cast for roughly ten months. This whole time, I would lay down my yoga mat two to three times a week and do around thirty minutes of yoga. I could only do simple poses; nothing that required arm strength or bending at the wrists. But that was okay. The doctor in Darwin had said I’d get most of the movement back in my wrist, so I was just waiting patiently for that to happen, to get back to normal. As time went by though, physiotherapy was painful, and more than one wrist specialist gave me their opinion. The definition of my future was changing. In fact, none of the doctors expected me to get much movement back in my wrist at all. The idea of retaining any movement was at best optimistic. My main doctor gradually brought me to the realisation that I would need yet another operation, to permanently and completely fuse my

three years since I had begun yoga in London, I still had not relapsed into serious depression, and I had noticed a marked change in my general attitude to life. photography jessie schattner

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Yoga had always been there to help me through my life. And not just in a positive way – it tore me off my high horse and tossed me cruelly into the mud for awhile.

wrist into a straight, non-moving position, to eliminate the ongoing pain I was experiencing. When my arm was finally out of the cast it was bony and pale from months of being covered up. My palm was spongy from muscle wasting, and I could barely move my wrist forward or back. Sideways movement was non-existent. I could not lift a cup of tea for months, let alone a litre of milk. I could not perform Downward Dog, Upward-Facing Dog, Headstand or Shoulder Stand. I could not put my hands in asymmetrical Prayer position because my right wrist wouldn’t bend enough. I kept up my regular practice, but whenever I knelt down wanting to do a simple Cat-Cow pose, I couldn’t because my right wrist wouldn’t bend enough. I would break down and cry into my mat. I’d try to pull myself together and keep going, but it was getting harder to get through my practice without falling apart. I started seeing a psychologist. I hadn’t realised it, but yoga had become one of the most important things in my life. The accident hadn’t killed me, but it had caused the death of my yoga practice. I was utterly devastated. I had not realised how profound an impact yoga really had on my existence until it was taken away from me. I was terrified of becoming the victim of depression and ill-health again. I was angry because I had been so close to starting a new career as a yoga teacher. It was all gone now. What did I have left to rely on? I felt like someone had died. There were a few weeks where I abandoned my yoga practice altogether because I was too upset to do it. Luckily though, it would only be a short sabbatical. During this time the meditation side of things finally took centre stage. I decided to learn Transcendental Meditation, since I had some time on my hands. I began meditating twice a day.

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Rewind to that person years ago in London, and you wouldn’t have thought it was me. The years of soothing Savasana had become second nature to me, and I had the patience and belief that it would be worthwhile to sit quietly for the two sessions each day. This time I got my head above water through meditation, not asana. Clarity and calm crept back into my life. Close to a year after the accident and I finally signed up at a new yoga centre in Sydney. I was finally ready to face a class again, despite being the only person who wouldn’t be able to do Downward Dog. Despite great fear, I found my dedication and love for yoga again. I never felt that anyone was judging me for my inability to do the simplest poses. Inside I wished I could still do Headstand, but all my training had taught me it’s better to lie down safely than cause myself injury by doing something my body can’t handle. Yoga’s peaceful philosophy had truly infiltrated my life, every cell in my body. I hadn’t known it myself until I went through such a hard test. At first I thought I just wanted it for fitness and flexibility, but eventually I recognised none of that was the point. Yoga had always been there to help me through my life. And not just in a positive way – it tore me off my high horse and tossed me cruelly into the mud for awhile. But it was also the hand that helped me stumble back up, and wipe my face before I started my journey again. It’s still with me now. I’ve changed a lot since I first found yoga, but it’s still there like a steady friend. I thought the friend had died after the accident, but it had just been reincarnated somehow. Yoga changed my life. It set me on a path I wasn’t really planning for, but turned out to be the best one for me. It might change my life again someday, and I’ll accept it if it does.

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DRAWING ON POP CULTURE JACINTA MCDOWALL

For Lent this year, I dared to give up quoting movie and TV lines. I arrogantly smirked and agreed as that seemed much easier than giving up something like meat or chocolate. I was extremely confident in my new task... until about four hours into my first day, when a friend called and mentioned he was on his way home from doing weights at the gym. I unconsciously began to reference Ron Burgundy’s “Just working on my guns” (Anchorman). Obviously I did not last the 40 days. For either good or bad, one liners from TV shows, quotes from bad movies and idiotic song lyrics are drilled into our brains, and

we regurgitate it at an embarrassing level – infact, I probably owe half my conversations to Sex and the City quotes. Sad I know. After soul searching and the thought of possibly trying to change my ways, I decided screw it – if ya can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. I take some of my all time favourite quotes from the masters of our generation and using a combination of sketch, photography, painting and photoshop, I present a scene that reflects those words of wisdom. I feel these images will be my acknowledgement and appreciation of how pop culture has taught me, inspired me, guided me... and scrambled my brains. VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

8 ball

Should Nick D’Arcy be allowed to compete at this year’s London Olympics?

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YES

SPORT FANATIC After being taken to court for assaulting former swimmer Simon Cowley, D’Arcy was suspended from the 2008 Beijing Olympic team and after a civil trial in the NSW District Court last July, was ordered to pay Cowley more than $370,000 for damages and costs. Now he has been given the opportunity to swim at the 2012 London Olympics and is considered to be a serious contender for winning a medal, as he clocked the fastest time for the 200-metre butterfly at the trials in Adelaide. But the question still remains – why should Australia not let D’Arcy swim in the 2012 Olympics if he has already been reprimanded for his actions? After losing the opportunity to swim at the 2010 Commonwealth Games, D’Arcy continued to pursue his goal for the London Olympics and with sole determination he hung in for another two years to make the team again. Although it is alleged that Swimming Australia struck a deal with D’Arcy to allow him to return to the national team, it would not have been possible for him to do so without his sheer determination to excel and once again pass the selection criteria to become a member of the squad. At the young age of 24 why should he not have the chance to get on with his life? Yes, I understand that what he did was wrong and I do not condone it, but doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance? You can’t keep reprimanding someone for the mistakes they have made. Was he not proven guilty by court and reprimanded by society? Why are we still jumping down his throat when he himself has admitted his mistakes and suffered the consequences? Swimming is one of the major sports Australia excels at and is known for, so why should we not allow D’Arcy to swim when we are almost sure that he will come home with a medal?

tom smith “Olympism is a philosophy of life, exalting and combining in a balanced whole the qualities of body, will and mind.” That’s the very first line of the Olympic Charter. And if you can cut through the saccharine sentiment, there lies the appeal of the Olympic Games: it transcends sport. To indulge in a cliché, it’s a celebration of humanity. And I’m afraid Nick D’Arcy shouldn’t get an invite to the party. His assault on former team-mate Simon Cowley might have been a youthful, VB-fuelled moment of madness. But his decision to declare bankruptcy in order to weasel out of paying $370,000 in damages is a more calculated move that reveals a lot about his character. He isn’t willing to pay his dues, so the public isn’t willing to give him a second chance. We’re a pretty forgiving bunch – take Todd Carney and Brendan Fevola, who are still kicking around despite a combined rap sheet that would make Charlie Sheen blush. But D’Arcy hasn’t been seen to properly atone for his mistakes. That’s why we’re unwilling to give him a second chance. The outcry surrounding D’Arcy’s selection should have been sufficient for John Coates to axe him from the team. The public is clearly uneasy with a convicted criminal – a man who shirked his court-ordered damages to Cowley, and is fresh from a 14-month suspended jail sentence – representing their country in the most revered of sporting arenas, the Olympics. And our voice should matter, considering we’re paying for his ticket to the Games. Public outcry ought to count for a lot bearing in mind the AOC is funded by the public purse. Coates accurately points out that D’Arcy fulfils the selection criteria by registering the requisite qualifying time, but his bullish defence of an athlete who has been so thoroughly disowned by the public is completely out of touch with the attitude of the community. Keep in mind, when D’Arcy jets off to London up the pointy end of an A380 next month, you’re the one footing the bill. You’re paying for his fettuccine alfredo, his expensive coaching, his leafy training camp. That’s the biggest misuse of public funds since Craig Thomson got his hands on a credit card. Qualifying for an Olympic team means more than clocking a certain time, jumping a certain height, or lifting a certain weight. It’s about the union of skill and character. Unfortunately, D’Arcy is sorely lacking the latter.

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Never make promises when you’re backside is playing up. I woke up to a blood soaked bed, and even dirtier white clothes.

This story has caressed the ears of young and old, male and female, gay and straight. Every time it gets a different reaction, but every time people want to know more. So for all who have heard and all who want to hear, I would like to tell you the rather long-winded story of how I ripped my arsehole. That’s right, my arsehole. A true story by Ned Cooper.

A traumatic

end

By now you might have already jumped to the conclusion that I must be gay. It’s the first plausible explanation. The night started with five of my close guy friends, getting dressed in matching all-white outfits in my inner city apartment drinking vodka and orange juice and listening to Jamiroquai. Obviously I’m not gay. We had a bit of a token teenage pre-drink and headed to the train. Through the ticket booth and down the escalators and before we knew it we’d be at Edgecliff ready to trade a quick shuffle with some Italian friends. But sometimes it’s the journey, and not the destination, that is most important. After we had made it halfway down the escalators my very dear friend Adrian (he prefers Adroman) decided to act out his childhood dream and slide the rest of the way down the monolithic Martin Place escalator. Being the social retard I am, I thought it plainly obvious that to continue being friends with him I would have to similarly accomplish this feat. So wearing my Capoeira pants I boarded the black railing. Being slightly (heavily) intoxicated I began pondering the possibility that I would lose balance and fall onto the escalator steps, likely injuring myself. So I leant back. But being slightly (heavily) intoxicated I overcorrected thus falling back into the middle silver distance between the two escalators. Then came my first true experience of blunt force trauma. At the speed of sound I rode straight over the small silver ball that stops people sliding down between the escalators. STRAIGHT OVER MY ARSEHOLE. I then experienced what I call the ‘George Michael’ – a shooting pain that felt like it went straight up my rectum and into my intestines. I rolled around squeezing my bum while Adroman looked on, chuckling and professing his superiority over me. Five minutes later and I was up walking around again, albeit pride dented. But this dent was only going to grow. After walking around a bit, Adroman noticed a suspicious red circle that had started to grow on my white pants. On showing my male period to my other friends I was quickly the joke of a much larger group of vicious male youths. But it was all okay. It was only the cheek, we said. Just dance against the wall, we said. So with my peer medical report complete I trudged up to the party. I greeted, danced, chatted and sang in strategic placements throughout the night. Against the wall, sitting down, spinning my pants back to front and holding my crutch Michael Jackson style. All the while my friends reassured me the red spot wasn’t getting any bigger. That night I stayed with Adroman at another friend’s place in Glebe. The pull-out beds were in order, and I assured my friend that his sheets would be clean in the morning – I’d just sleep on my front so no blood seeped through. Never make promises when you’re backside is playing up.

I woke up to a blood soaked bed, and even dirtier white clothes. All the blood had seeped through the front of my clothes onto the mattress, even while I was sleeping facing down. My first thought was that I had to get these sheets clean before he woke up. So I trudged to the bathroom a mere five steps away in his tiny student dorm. However upon entering I got tremendously dizzy to the point I had to lie on the floor. Presuming what was to follow this sudden dizzy spell was a small bout of vomit, I remained cuddled up to the toilet for the next half hour in preparation. The vomit never came, so fearing another dizzy spell I crawled back to my mattress on the floor and went back to sleep. I woke up to Adroman’s shock at the amount of blood on my mattress, and deduced that the dizzy spell was probably the result of losing what looked like a pint of blood. So I decided to crawl to the bathroom again to check out the damage. On turning around to face the mirror I was confronted with what is sure to be the ugliest piece of human body I had ever laid eyes upon. There was a bruise that would impress no girl, a bruise that was as black as night and wider than a CD-ROM. The bruise had grown not only sideways, but had decided to go three dimensional and now looked like a small globe covering my entire anus. Next I showed it to my keenly waiting friends, the same friends who had asserted throughout the night before that “No, the blood patch is not getting bigger”. There was pure horror on their faces when I showed them my very new hemorrhoid. But not to worry, even though I only had last night’s blood soaked clothes to get home in, I could tie a spare jacket around my waist so no one would notice. I’d be home by Sunday afternoon and the bruise would die down in a week we agreed. So I boarded the bus to Town Hall in a half-hungover, halfblood deficient daze, propping my arsehole up by leaning on my side while I sat down. Adroman and I alighted at Town Hall and walked to Wynyard via George Street, brushing past the shocked expressions of young families and older couples who thought they were destined for a leisurely browse in the inner-city on a Sunday afternoon. Having passed the worst, we thought we were entitled to sit down and have some sushi in Wynyard station. Looking back, the horrid looks I received while bantering with the sushi shop owner for a ‘three for six’ deal in the blood soaked outfit I was wearing were entirely justified (even more so when I discovered later that week that it wasn’t only blood. Let’s just say that the back door wasn’t functioning exactly as it should have). After trudging home, and briefly trying to explain the situation to my shocked housemates, I ran upstairs and took a long overdue shower. It was only after lying down for about an hour VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

Every time I went to the toilet it was like passing razor blades that I came to my senses and realised the worst of this episode may be yet to come. The bruise was interrupting a rather important passageway of the human body. So I upped and got in my car, and utilising the leaning technique I had earlier mastered, I drove myself to the Medical medical centre. Centre. I was thrilled to enter a virtually empty room, but on my way to the front desk I half fainted and had to take a seat for a few minutes. On regaining consciousness I walked into the doctor’s office ready to explain myself like a student to the principal. She asked me to sit down and I explained that that wasn’t really possible. As I explained my situation, giggling throughout, I saw her face turn as she realised that to perform her duties she was going to have to get acquainted with the end of my intestines. I removed my pants and watched her out of the corner of my eye. Her disgust as she parted my flesh mountains to reveal the purple bruise and cut anus was plainly evident. “I can’t see inside,” she said. “You’ll need to go to the hospital to check whether you’ve done any internal damage.” So a referral was written. It described my ‘extensive anal and peri-anal trauma’. And the worst part: ‘Minimal leakage’. Without money for a cab or bus I drove up to the hospital, miraculously found a 10 hour parking spot and walked all the way to the reception desk before getting dizzy and half fainting. The

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fainting helped though – I went straight through to Emergency. A heavy dose of morphine later and I was the proud recipient of my first finger up the bum. I can’t tell you how awkward it is to be fingered by a young female with your knees to your chest while she tries to drum up conversation about the weather. “I can’t tell if it’s damaged inside either sorry, we’ll have to get a specialist in.” I profusely apologised for what she just had to do, and she reassured me she had seen worse working in the Gastro Ward. I asked her what she had seen, but she blanked and couldn’t think of anything. The specialist surgeon who came to replace her was what you would describe as a ‘No Bullshit’ type of guy. Straight in, no morphine. His thick surgical fingers made a difficult time for my already rather pissed off anal walls. “Can’t be sure, you’ll need surgery so we’ll be keeping you tonight.” So I waited around Emergency for a while before a bed became free, and a nice young university student volunteering in the E.R. came and gave me sandwiches and had a chat. We got chatting but luckily, just as she asked what was wrong with me, I was saved by an angel in green scrubs to be whisked off to the X-Ray lab. Later I found out she too went to UTS and studied law, and since then I have been avoiding her with a vengeance, certain to never let her know the truth.

I received my pelvic X-Ray to check for a broken tailbone and since it wasn’t broken, I could attempt sitting down. Next I had to submit a pee sample, to check whether I was peeing blood as well. “If you pee blood we’re going to need to have a look inside your penis in surgery as well”. Oh ok, thanks friendly doctor. That’d be great. So with trembling fear I had a wee, and luckily, no blood. By this time my mum and dad had gotten word of my anal episode, and kindly had come to see me in my room. After their visit it was time to have my first go at ‘passing my bowels’. After a hell of a shot of morphine, I waddled to the toilet and attempted what my body knew it didn’t want to do. It decided to hold off. I didn’t get much sleep that night as nurses and doctors frequently came in to collect tools and other supplies. I was woken up by the ‘No Bullshit’ surgeon who had earlier greeted me in E.R, as he did his rounds. Nice to see him, I thought. Must be close to surgery, I thought. But tagging along with him was five budding young medical students eager to get their hands dirty. And dirty they got them. The surgeon checked whether I was on Medicare, then I pulled my knees to my chest and one by one each student stuck their finger up my bum. I spent a couple more days in hospital waiting for surgery, surrounding by the outcasts of the hospital world – the bowel freaks. I was the joke of the ward, the nurses frequently coming in to ask me “What were you thinking!” and cackling like the witches they were. But I enjoyed laughing with them, so it was all good.

On my fourth and final day in hospital I entered surgery, curled in a ball with knees to my chest with undies and a gown on. Apparently they sent a small camera up my bum on a factfinding mission, and didn’t find any internal cuts so I didn’t need invasive surgery. I awoke from the anesthetic lying flat on my back and naked but for a gown draping my body. After some post-surgical instructions I would be off home. Just drink these laxatives three times a day and it should all be cleared up in three weeks, the surgeon said. It did not clear up in the next three weeks. Every time I went to the toilet it was like passing razor blades. However the pain began to pass after a while and after about three months I went off the laxatives. I bought a red blow-up donut pillow to sit on every time I was at a cafe, work or uni. But this was still not the end. After a small hiatus of a functional arsehole, the bleeding once again started up as my bum re-tore one day when I went to the toilet. There was more blood than ever. Back to the surgeon it was to get checked out. All good, he said, just take some more of these laxatives and apply this ointment twice a day. “It’ll possibly be a bit uncomfortable though, you need to apply it quite deeply.” There is nothing comfortable about it, let me tell you. It’s been almost a year now and I’m all back to normal. I have a whole new set of underwear, and I’m a new man arsewise. If you take nothing else away from this story, just remember that if you plan on sliding down the Martin Place escalators, be prepared for the fact that you will be possibly dealing with upward of eight fingers up your bum.

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DID YOU KNOW?

Pull your pants up

Bad luck

When choosing an outfit for the day, we are often presented with a range of options from tight jeans to baggy t-shirts. It’s always wise to dress appropriately, and these criminals learnt the hard way... When police indicated to driver, Marvin Leonard Morris Jnr, to pull over the 29-year-old swiftly sped away and collided with a tree. With no other means of escape, Morris attempted to evade the police on foot. However his journey was cut short when his baggy shorts fell down around his ankles and caused him to trip over – twice. This is not the only time that a criminal has been caught out by issues in the trouser department. Back in August last year, Juan Gutierrez walked into a convenience store with the intent of stealing beer cans. However, as he exited the store, Gutierrez tripped on his baggy jeans and lost his grip on the contraband. A note for the wise: if you’re intending on running away, you’d better think about wearing a belt.

Bad luck is often associated with breaking mirrors, walking under ladders or black cats crossing your path. The last thing one fleeing suspect considered was the bad luck to come in the form of a passing pedestrian. Just this month police were in pursuit of a robbery suspect in a van when a woman stepped out from the sidewalk and made her way towards the vehicle. With a gun in hand, she ran towards the van and latched onto the side. Clinging on to the moving vehicle, she made her way into it through an open window. The van soon stopped and the male driver fled from the gun-toting female only to have a police dog latch onto his backside. Talk about being unlucky!

Catching up on sleep

CRIMINAL

“MASTERMINDS”

Cats have been known to ward off threats by curling up and closing their eyes in an appearance of sleep whilst actually being wide awake. In April of this year a police suspect attempted this same ruse. Police attempted to pull over the driver of a minivan after it failed to stop at a stop sign. Discovering that the van had been reported stolen the week before, the police followed the suspect to a vacant parking lot. ‘John Doe’ then abandoned the vehicle and ran to his house. He then jumped in through an open window and ran to a bedroom where he pretended to be fast asleep. Good luck getting away with that one!

Keep your valuables in a safe place People sometimes conceal valuables in socks, under toupees or in suitcases with false bottoms. However Ray Woods thought he had found the most elusive of hiding places. On a routine patrol, an officer pulled Woods over for a broken rear light. After finding marijuana in the car, the officer moved onto a body search of Woods. Discovering a large bulge at the front of his pants, Woods was questioned about contraband to which he replied in the negative. However a strip search revealed a large plastic bag - containing 89 bags of suspected heroin and cocaine - tied around his nether regions. When the officer tried to remove the contraband, Woods relieved himself all over the plastic bag. The officer attributed this to his nerves. Lucky for Wood, the police didn’t press charges for his improper actions.

Americans have a reputation for partying hard, living life up and generally having fun. However, for these unfortunate offenders who got caught in the crosshairs of the law, the story is quite different. JESSICA LOOI

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FITNESS

SPORT

ARM CANDY

Goal-line technology?

No thanks jackelyn ho

I used to get tricked by it all the time. “Hey, you want to get tickets to the gun show?” “Um, no…I’m not really into the whole gun thing—“ “Well, here are your front row tickets!” And BAM, some overly confident bro would pull up his sleeve and expose his 15-inch bicep. Super awkward, but somewhat effective. Arms are a symbol of strength and protection, making them the most wanted body part after a six-pack. The main muscles of the upper arms consist of the biceps, triceps and deltoids (shoulder muscles). It is important to work on all three aspects in order to create a nicely shaped upper body. Many people make the mistake of just doing bicep curls, but this doesn’t allow for the full arm to develop a natural and

strong shape. There are many ways to get the tone and shape you want. For those who have access to the gym, free weights and machines are a great way to gain muscle mass. On the other hand, body weight exercises are a perfect alternative. Since you can’t really increase intensity through weights, you would resort to performing more repetitions or creating harder circumstances. Many people are worried that lifting weights will create an unattractive and bulky look. The truth is that if you perform high repetitions with low weights, then you’ll achieve a more toned and defined look. On the other hand, low repetitions and higher intensity will give you that 15-inch bicep.

THE EXERCISES DECLINE PUSHUPS Begin in push up position, but place your feet on an elevated surface. The decline will place more weight in your arms, making it more difficult to push up. For a challenge, raise one foot in the air.

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One-Legged Tricep Dips Place your hands on an elevated surface and have your finger tips facing forward. As you lower yourself down, make sure the bend is coming from your elbows. To increase intensity, raise one leg in the air and place textbooks on your lap.

TOM SMITH Brace yourself. Goal-line technology is coming. Ever since the Thierry Henry ‘Hand of Frog’ incident, the football community has been clamouring incoherently for video replays in the round-ball game. Frank Lampard’s disallowed effort against the Germans at the 2010 World Cup intensified those appeals an octave or two. More recently, phantom goals to QPR’s Clint Hill at Bolton and Juan Mata in the Chelsea-Spurs FA Cup semi-final make technology seem like a no-brainer. It appears the law-makers agree. The International Football Association Board have evaluated eight potential systems and given two companies the green light to undertake a second phase of testing to be completed by June this year. Adidas’ micro-chip system failed IFAB testing because it was too slow. We’re still not sure what form technology will take. Will it be employed at the referee’s discretion, or an NFL-style challenge system? Will all goals be reviewed? Will the game stop? Will the video ref be able to rule on incidents in all the lead-up play, or just the penalty box, or simply whether the ball crosses the line? And will the system be universally implemented, in FIFA matches from Belgium to Belize to Burkina Faso? Until the football community can answer these questions in unison, rather than flippantly demand video replays as if they are some panacea for all the code’s bad decisions, then goal-line technology should not be introduced. Imagine goal-line technology was in place in the FranceIreland World Cup playoff, or England’s 2010 clash with Germany. If technology was used at the ref’s choosing – a la rugby league – then neither decision would likely have been referred, because the ref probably thought he was correct. If the goal-line technology only ruled whether the ball crossed the line, the Lampard error would have been amended, but the Henry decision would not have been overturned despite the blatant handball.

‘What if the video ref could adjudicate on the buildup?’ I hear you ask. Sometimes the passage of play leading to a goal can last minutes – would a goal be disallowed for a minor incident at the other end of the field? And are we willing to endure minutes of replays that disrupt the flow of the game as officials rake through footage, with no guarantee of a correct decision? The video ref is just as fallible as the man in the middle. Just ask rugby league fans: decisions are still highly contentious even with goal-line technology in place. The cure – excruciating, multi-angle slow-mo replays that erode the momentum of the game – is worse than the disease – a few errant calls here or there. FIFA should focus on lifting the general quality of referees (which, to be fair, is reasonable in most cases), rather than lazily reaching for the band aid solution of goal-line technology.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

REVIEWS

take this waltz FILM

in cinemas june 14th

Written and directed by Academy Award nominee, Sarah Polley, Take This Waltz summons us into the lives of a young couple and a chance encounter that will shake the foundations of their marriage. The film opens with a young lady leaning up against a stove in the sweltering heat of a Toronto summer. The kitchen feels claustrophobic and almost dizzying as heat waves shimmer through the air. Michelle Williams plays Margot, a freelance writer with a penchant for adventure. Her husband Lou (Seth Rogan) stars as her easy-going husband who has dedicated his life to all things chicken. Five years into their marriage the couple are moving from the height their romance to what should be a comfortable life together. However, their terse anniversary dinner reveals their difficulty in remaining captivated by one another. Unsure of what to make of the situation, Margot peppers their domestic life with verbal games, baby talk and obligatory sex.

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Amidst this instability, Daniel appears. Daniel, played by Luke Kirby (The Samaritan, Tell Me You Love Me), is a creature of creativity who sings to her soul and stirs something deep inside her. What follows can only be described as painfully romantic. Cinematographer Luc Montpellier engages light as a metaphor for the overarching storyline. Natural sunlight filters in through the windows, bouncing off all the objects, floors and ceiling to dispel any sense of artificiality. Overlaid by immense colour saturation, these scenes reflect the purity and happiness of Margot’s home life. When Lou is overwhelmed by emotion, the lack of lighting in the ‘storm scene’ accentuates his feelings of despair and confusion. Many key sequences are underscored by lack of dialogue to allow the viewer to form their own views of what is happening. However when carried by Montpellier’s impressive cinematography and Jonathan Goldsmith’s pertinent musical

scores, these scenes do not feel to be lacking; rather, it highlights the most poignant moments of the film. Take This Waltz derives its name from a Leonard Cohen song of the same name. Cohen drew his inspiration from the poem ‘Little Viennese Waltz’ which Polley felt were simultaneously tragic and romantic. Polley aimed to create something that could not simply be understood but made “perfect sense on some deep, emotional level”. This is particularly true of the scenes between Margot and Daniel. The immense attraction between the two cannot be denied; yet they are also caught up in their ethical dilemmas. The movie peels back the layers of domestic life to illuminate the interval after the honeymoon period. The characters begin to question what they truly want from life. Amongst the tumult, desire threatens to unravel the threads of Margot and Lou’s marriage. Sarah Silverman (The Sarah Silverman

Program) features as the clairvoyant alcoholic Geraldine, who identifies desire with addiction; the state of needing, wanting and not feeling like you’ll be able to survive without, as noted by Polley. The tale which follows leaves us choking for a solution, but there is no simple answer to addiction. Take This Waltz challenges what is ethical and unethical. It provides a startlingly realistic insight into the obscurity of domestic life. The audience oscillates between feelings of delight, despondency and paralysing dread. Inescapably enthralling, Take This Waltz will force you to question what a relationship is really about.

★★★★½ jessica looi & MATTHEW YEE

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

king of devil’s island FILM

NOW SHOWING in cinemas

EVENT

spawnbreezie

the sparrow

april 14th Whitlam Leisure Centre, Liverpool

lawrence arabia SPUNK RECORDS Released july 13

Since director Marius Holst made his first foray into the film world with 1990’s Visiting Hours, his films have been a hit on the international festival circuit. His latest endeavour, King of Devil’s Island, is no different, having been praised worldwide for its cinematography and performance of newcomer, Trond Nilssen. The symbolism of whales underpins a true story of mutiny in 1915 at a Norwegian island reform school. The urge to escape drives both the film and its characters, presented amidst a cold and harsh landscape that reflects the intensity of the action. The depth of the friendships is most prominently and effectively portrayed in the relationship between protagonist Erling (Benjamin Helstad) and Olav (Nilssen). Nilssen won a few awards for his portrayal and deservedly so. His character has the most depth and subtlety of the lot, admirably displaying the conflicting aspects of a person’s experience. The violence visible throughout is underplayed, and that is one of the many success of Holst. The island reform school, Bastoy is replete with discontent and injustice. These maladjusted youths are expected to completely and utterly comply to the wishes of the school’s authorities, despite the cruelty of these peoples. The governor, the villain of the piece (Stellan Skarsgard, who recently appeared in the American The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo) remains the most complex and endearing-to-an-extent adult character. What is fascinating is to see Olav in particular deal with his contradicting feelings of responsibility for the wellbeing of others and obligation to the powers that be to obey at all costs in order to earn the right to leave the island. As a foreign film, it is worth seeing in the morning when you’re feeling most observant. You wouldn’t want to miss a second of dialogue as the story is gripping and at times heartwrenching till the very end. To be honest, the movie made me cry. The final scene is as touching a scene as I have ever seen. Coupled with the gorgeous Norwegian scenery, this movie gets you.

Spawnbreezie’s recent performance at the Whitlam Leisure Centre in Liverpool was an exhilarating and non-stop dynamite show. The crowd went wild for the American reggae star, singing every word, even to his Samoan hit Lo’u Uo Moni. His performance was energetic and he could hardly keep his feet on the ground – he was bouncing all over the stage, comparable to his encouraging audience that didn’t stop dancing and jamming along with him. You could see the passion in his eyes as he jammed out his latest music with his classics. He even shared his time so a ‘brother’ could propose to his girlfriend on stage. That sums up his show: spirited and sentimental – full of love for music and life. The support acts were just as amazing, singing beautiful acoustic ballads to jamming the true reggae way. The dancing was unbelievable – the way they moved their hips even put Shakira to shame! The fusion of the old and new, past and present could be seen and felt by the all-ages crowd where even 12-year-olds were waiting all night to see their idol perform. Technically, the concert was superb. There were giant screens televising the event so all could see the action. The strobes built tension and suspense, and the use of colours during their performances complemented the artists nicely without overempowering. Spawnbreezie’s performance was electrifying whether you were right up close to the stage or at the back of the arena. Many were still buzzing after leaving the centre, continuing the merriment at the after-party and into the wee hours of the morning. Overall, it was a true celebration of the fusion of the old and new Polynesian talent, with the artists providing plenty of potential to continue to deliver awe-inspiring music, dancing and performances in many years to come.

★★★★

nicole adams

★★★★

MUSIC

Lawrence Arabia’s new album The Sparrow is boring. It leaves much to be desired. Do you want to listen to elevator music for half an hour? Yes? This might be the album for you! Yup, for violins and a try-hard John Lennon voice pick this one up at your local record store and stow it in your private ‘music no one else can know I like’ box. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I usually don’t feel in the mood to listen to background music on trains. I’d rather listen to something that does more than frolic on a hillside whilst in the meantime all their music friends have real desk jobs. Arabia seems too content being dull. I don’t want to rain on his classically-trained parade, but I’m already running out of things to say. Yawn seems apt. There was however a definite highlight. ‘Lick Your Wounds’ has a very original sound and for a little while Arabia’s falsetto is actually pretty lovely and builds builds builds tension, and makes him sound like he actually has a unique voice. I also can’t criticise his use of big-band instrumentals. He clearly has a lot more technical music knowledge than I do. But technical knowhow doesn’t necessarily make an album good. This is simply a solid album and Arabia does have talent and a heck of a lot of untapped potential. But that’s it. It’s potential. Nothing more. Nothing less. I literally fell asleep trying to listen to this. But I’m sure some people like boring music, so y’know, if you’re the kind of person who spends Saturday nights sitting around yawning, this might be the album for you.

jiro dreams of sushi FILM

NOW SHOWING in cinemas

★★

Jiro Dreams of Sushi is director David Gelb’s portrait of Jiro Ono, the most famous sushi chef in Tokyo. At the age of eighty-five, Jiro still works from sunrise to sunset, creating impeccable sushi at his restaurant “Sukiybashi Jiro”. Jiro is the oldest Michelin Star Chef, with his tiny ten seat restaurant the only of its kind to be awarded the prestigious three-star Michelin review. This documentary shows the tough and serious Jiro in his element making sushi. His eldest son, Yoshikazu, is the heir to the restaurant and although aged fifty is still preparing to take over, honoured to keep learning from his father and follow the Japanese tradition of the eldest son taking over. At of the heart of the film is tradition, family and Jiro’s incredible determination and passion for his craft of making sushi. His level of devotion to what he does is almost religious. Whilst he begins as an intimidating figure, he softens as the film progresses, becoming more likable and warm. Through the course of the film the audience gains an insight into his past and watches him slowly allow Yoshikazu and the apprentices more responsibility in the restaurant. Jiro Dreams of Sushi is delicious and enjoyable, taking the audience on a tasty journey of the preparation and creation of sushi, including the art of sourcing the seafood, particularly the staple fish, tuna. Jiro Dreams of Sushi turns food preparation into a thing of beauty, and the images of incredibly thinly sliced tuna will make your mouth water and you will leave dreaming of a visit to Sukiyabashi Jiro. Jiro Dreams of Sushi is being screened at The Chauvel Cinema, Paddington.

hannah story

★★★ cyna strachan

hannah story

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

RECIPES

WONTON SOUP SERVES 3-4 PREPARATION 45-50 mins COOKING 5 mins Ingredients ½ kg minced pork ½ kg prawn, peeled and deveined 1 kg pork neck bones 1 packet egg pastry (30-40 sheets) 2 cloves of garlic 1 tsp white pepper 1 tsp salt Sesame oil Spring onions

LISA DIEU

STEP 1 Making the wonton soup broth Wash the neck bones in lukewarm salted water. Put the bones into a pot of water over high heat and add 1 tbsp of salt. Reduce heat to low once it boils. Use a drainer to remove any froth. Place lid on top to retain the heat for about 45mins. Flavour the soup as desired. STEP 2

STEP 3 MAKING THE WONTONS Place one teaspoon of filling in the centre of the wonton egg pastry wrapper and squeeze gently until the corners meet each other. Prepare a large saucepan of water and bring to the boil. Cook wontons in water for 5 minutes or until pork is cooked through and wontons float. Remove to a bowl using a slotted spoon.

MAKING THE FILLING Rinse prawns thoroughly in salted water and then dice them. Finely chop the spring onions then divide them into two parts - one-half used for the wonton filling and the other half used to sprinkle when served.

Pour soup and wonton into a bowl and sprinkle a bit of spring onions and drizzle sesame oil on top, ready to serve.

APPLE CINNAMON MUFFINS SERVES 14-20 PREPARATION 15-20 MINS COOKING 20 MINS

STEP 1

STEP 4 o

Preheat oven at 200 C. Grease 2x12 whole muffin pans, or place muffin cups in them.

Ingredients 1 cup plain flour 2 cups self raising flour 3 tsp ground cinnamon 1 tsp bicarbonate soda 1 cup finely chopped apple (approx. 1 - 1 ½ apples) ¾ cup brown sugar 2 eggs lightly beaten 1 ½ cups milk ½ cup canola oil Optional: ½ cup apples for topping

JEZELLE BOUGHALEB

Spoon mixture into pans, adding extra apple for topping.

STEP 5 STEP 2 Sift flour, cinnamon and bicarbonate soda into a large bowl. Add apple and sugar, stir to combine.

Bake for about 20 minutes or until brown and firm.

STEP 3 Add eggs, milk and oil, mixing until well combined. Note: batter should be lumpy, do not over-mix.

Mince the garlic. Then mix the pork mince, garlic, prawn and spring onions together. Add salt and pepper. Mix evenly.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

WAFFLES

BEST OF There’s nothing like waffles to warm up a cold winter’s day.

BAY VISTA

83 The Grand pde, brighton-le-sands Bay Vista is something of an institution in south Sydney. Not the boring kind associated with higher education, but the kind where you go when you need a sugar overload. By that definition, I should be here every other day, but it just so happens that this is my first time. I’ve been told the queues get pretty nasty, but since it’s a rainy night I have no such worries. The place is massive in any case and it can easily cater to groups of all sizes. While the array of ice creams and cakes don’t look half-bad, I’m here for that curious mix of goo and crunch that only waffles can offer. At under $10 for a serving of two with complimentary ice cream, it won’t break the budget either. The waffles are small in size but are absolutely drenched in chocolate. The waffles become lost under a sea of hot, smooth chocolate but let’s be honest: there’s no such thing as too much chocolate. Even though I am unable to finish mine, I stand by that statement, and as such have no qualms in recommending it to chocolate-lovers, and all lovers of chocolate-lovers looking to score extra brownie points (yes, it’s a pun).

RATINGS: Flavour ★ ★ ★ ★ Price ★ ★ ★ ★ Ambience ★ ★ ★ ½ Overall Rating: ★

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★★★

Chocolates del mondo

1/465 chapel rd, bankstown

Bankstown has become something of a hub of late, with a spate of new restaurants and cafes opening. One of the relatively recent additions is Chocolates Del Mondo, a café with a lovely view of TAFE across the road. You might think that the location would equate to lowered prices, but sadly not. One waffle with strawberries, banana and ice cream is $15. The tight student within me objects, but I suck it up for the sake of this review and hope that it is the best darn waffle this side of Bankstown train station. Unfortunately this waffle has no claim to greatness. It’s too gritty and lacks the fluffiness I expect from fresh waffles. The chocolate is nice enough, as are the strawberries, but I’m afraid the establishment can’t take credit for the latter in any case. If I come here again I would stick to a hot chocolate, but I’m afraid there may not be a next time, Chocolates Del Mondo!

RATINGS: Flavour ★ ★ ½ Price ★ ★ ½ Ambience ★ ★ ★ Overall Rating: ★

★½

Zeynab Gamieldien

PARK BENCH

580 george st, sydney

You know a place is getting some buzz when it’s featured in the Sydney Morning Herald’s Good Living magazine. Unfortunately for proprietors, Park Bench is only a pop-up dessert bar, which seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. Why taunt us with the promise of delicious waffles if you’re only going to disappear in a few months time? In the meantime, I hasten to taste the cinnamon waffles. The place brings the inner-west to the CBD, with quirky photos on the walls and actual park benches stuck to the ceiling. The music is strictly hipster, which is somewhat ironic considering the majority of the customers are corporate types in suits. The array of ice cream looks amazing, but the overcast weather is demanding waffles, and so a serving of $10.50 waffles I will get. The waffles are lightly flavoured with cinnamon, the sweetness countered by a somewhat bitter chocolate sauce. The combination is lovely, as is the creamy vanilla-bean ice cream which accompanies it. You don’t need to be a hipster or a corporate type to enjoy this, just a person who knows how to chew, swallow and very happily digest.

RATINGS: Flavour ★ ★ ★ ★ Price ★ ★ ★ Ambience ★ ★ ★ ★ Overall Rating: ★

★★★

RANDOM RANT

When One Door

The page where cranky students let it all out.

closes you just

climb down the chimney Ally Burnie Fact: School is nothing compared to the real world where you were once a big fish and now you’re suddenly plankton. Fact: People expect more from you in the real world but sometimes it’s just not possible no matter how many hours you slave trying to perfect the facade you want to present to the world. Fact: Opportunities will come and go but when they inevitably go you have to remember that you will meet again someday. Fiction: Everybody will love you in the real world. I’ve recently been thinking about this so called ‘real world’ and how it, for lack of a more eloquent and intelligent word, often sucks. Firstly, in the real world there’s this thing called money. Which is essential. No seriously, you need it. Where does this money come from? A job. That too is essential being that money is so essential. Is it easy to find a job even though your resume is full of the wonderful things you’ve said about yourself and done? No, it is not. Are employers willing to hire someone with little experience and take them under their wings and guide them through the wilderness? No, they are not. Then there’s this little thing called an education. You need that for a job. Well, at least a good job that will make you financially stable and support you in the uncertainty that is the world’s economy. That’s a no-brainer. To get an

education you have to go to university. Oh good old university, where no one cares if you pass or fail. They just want you to get out of your comfort zone where you lay happily for most of your school years. Then team university with the prospect of getting a job and you have created a little baby called internships or work experience. Now these, oh my these, are harder to find than a four leaf clover. Or maybe not so much hard to find but hard to obtain. No one finds the clover, everyone is eternally unlucky. No, that’s not true. But it does take a lot of almostfour-leaf-clovers and a lot of weeds until you finally do snatch the ultimate plant of luckiness. Which brings me to the conclusion of this rant that life is one big door that opens and closes and opens and closes and only the quickest and most intelligent (and beautiful, although I don’t see how beauty holds a door open unless the door is an attractive man who wants to buy the beautiful person a drink) person to slide Indiana Jones’ style through the smallest opening. For the rest of us normal people, we really just need to make like Santa and climb down that chimney. It may be dark and dirty sometimes but at the end there is a glass of milk and plate of cookies. Now that’s definitely worth ditching the doors and climbing down some chimneys, don’t you think?

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

ADVICE

How not to: aSSUME

sophia phan I’m sure you’ve all heard of the saying that if one were to assume, they’d be making an ass out of ‘you’ and me. I remember my Year 8 Maths teacher showing me the little word association. At the time I just thought it was utterly hilarious that my strict educator uttered such a blasphemous word; who knew it was even a part of her vocabulary! But after years of maturing, I must agree with said saying (I mean anything that is able to make such a catchy lesson out of a six letter word shouldn’t be false). I assumed that enrolling this semester would only take half-an-hour. I mean, I even brought along a stash of trashy magazines to occupy my time before I rocked up early to my lecture, being the super diligent student I am, because who would have thought that it would have taken over eight hours? And don’t even get me started on how many times I assumed that my MacBook would effortlessly connect with UTS Wireless as if they were star-crossed jigsaw puzzle pieces. But no, as the ever-growing UTS Memes page pointed out earlier:

One does not simply connect to UTS Wireless. While we are on the topic of indirect connections, we’ve probably all been guilty of judging what strangers wear around uni and stereotyping them to a faculty. Lock-eyes from across the room and swiftly dance over what seems to be a Communications student dressed like Anna Wintour, who’s obviously convinced herself that she’s attending a Haute Couture show with Karl Lagerfeld and not a lecture in a suffocating hall. You look to your left and there’s a scruffy male who would make Matt Corby look like Matt Moran. He’s wearing a disheveled beanie and jeans that are almost as tight as Ross’ leather pants (no, I will never stop with the Friends references). Hipster. Obviously. I probably assume as much as the next person. Sometimes I emerge looking like the biggest tool out, but there are those very rare times when I over-qualify for a fist-bump.

it’s a guy thing WOM-ING al jedlin WOM’ stands for Woman Over Mates, or prioritising a woman over your mates. The term was part of the vernacular at my high school, used to ridicule any guy who was talking to a girl. Ultimately, it turned into a chant that was yelled out by hundreds of schoolboys at a rugby match when a boy would walk past with a girl from our sister school. What’s worse is that the relation or context didn’t matter − on one occasion a boy was walking past with his sister. After years of intensive post-trauma counselling, I’ve realised that this is perhaps the most insecure, hypocritical and negative thing I’ve ever been a part of. And if you knew me, you’d know it’s a big claim. Essentially, chanting ‘WOM’ at this poor schoolboy trying to have a crack at some innocent schoolgirl reeks of envy and judgement. Reflecting, it’s clear we were all jealous that this boy had the balls to do what we were incapable of doing − talking to a girl. This endearing quality isn’t just bestowed upon schoolboys, however. It infects most male societies. Every fraternity gives their mates shit for ‘WOM-ing’ something that, as far as I’m aware, females don’t do. If a girl “dogs” her friends, rarely do they mention it to her face, let alone chant

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

it out at a football stadium. As my friends and I move more into the adult world, this quality is still prevalent, although somewhat altered. Yes, we still give guys shit about not being “for the boys”, but it is now referred to as ‘sexile’. So clearly we haven’t matured that much. Over the past few years I’ve watched as girls have come and tested the waters of how much they can change my mates’ weekend habits and at the time I’ve laughed. However a recent incident made me realise that it can happen to the best of us, those of us that have always tried to be “for the boys”. I’m by no means seeing someone (come at me ladies) but I have a close girlfriend who I often hang out with and I’ve come to the conclusion that just by being with her more than my mates I’ve become the person that sixteen-year-old-me would chant about, as, quite often, I can’t be bothered to see the boys if the aforementioned girl and I are chilling. However, being four years older, and naturally much wiser, I’ve also realised that this is FINE, and hanging out with girls over your burping, farting mates is ok.

Public Toilet Etiquette 1. No direct hand-to-hand contact with the toilet door There is no worse feeling than scrubbing your hands, twice, with lavender scented soap, only to have all your effort washed down the drain by the touch of a bacteria-ridden handle. If you need to pull the door, it’s just a question of waiting. Sooner or later someone else will too want to exit the bathroom and with it will open a window of opportunity. Don’t be too obvious, smile, wait for them to leave, and just as the door is about to close, slip your foot in. Works every time.

2. No butt-to-butt contact with the toilet seat Same as above, but with hundreds of bacteria-ridden butts – how’s that for your next horror story? No fear - toilet paper is your redeemer. In addition to maximum cleanliness, you also get maximum comfort from the a-grade cushioning. For the gentlemen, men’s toilets are dirtier than the soles of your shoes after walking through Kings Cross. Before entering a cubicle, place toilet paper in two thick piles at shoulder widths apart – these will be the place mats of which you step on. Speaking from personal experience, peeing whilst standing up is most likely to render wet floors. In addition to that, males are prone to peeing on things to mark their territory, so it is very likely that your cubicle is already saturated. By having place mats, not only are you protecting your sole from the excretion (however sterile) of other males, you are creating a static surface to prevent yourself from slipping into the abyss that is a male bathroom’s floor.

3. No one should hear your stream (girls) There are two ways to achieve this: a) Go to the toilet when it is empty b) Go to the toilet when it is full The hand dryer is your savior. Whenever someone decides to dry his or her hands, and bless them for that – you just get it all out of your system like a jet stream. Better yet, if someone next to you flushes the toilet, do not hesitate; just get that 600ml of Mount Franklin into that porcelain pot. You have an exact 8-second window. If you are skillful and you know how to pee with stealth (aiming it against the toilet bowl with control and accuracy), you could get away with grabbing toilet paper very loudly or pretending to sneeze. This rule certainly does not apply to men; in fact, the complete opposite rule should apply. A gentlemen’s stream is in direct proportion to the size of their feet. If you need to hide another bottle of water in your pants to up the ante, so

Want to survive a day at uni without having to dehydrate yourself, walk with your legs pressed together or sit with hands gripped on the table’s edge shaking the general infrastructure around you? It’s time you went to the toilet. But first, Cynthia Lam educates us on the seven deadly sins of the public toilet domain. be it, there’s no judgment. Just make sure the bottle has a wide neck - none of that popper-lid shit. That impresses no one.

4. Never enter a cubicle when the cover of the toilet seat is down Are you going to bear the responsibility of touching that cover and lifting it to uncover the monstrosity that lies beneath? There is probably a good reason why someone left the cover down and that reason should be good enough for you to leave that lid more untouched than an engineering student’s virginity.

5. Never make eye contact with your cubicle’s successor Unless you have left your toilet spic and span, which, let’s face it, you can’t. The person before you probably left a puddle on the floor, made a mess of their toilet-seat-mummy and now you’re left looking like the feral person who made this. Therefore it is best to try to avoid leaving your cubicle when there is an immediate queue waiting outside. Stay in there as long as you need to. Your dignity is at stake.

6. Always use the bigger flush What drought? What “need to save water”? Do you expect me to run the risk of flushing the toilet once, and having not completely emptied the bowl of solid materials (toilet paper, that is), run the risk of having to be trapped in the cubicle until enough water is mustered up again to flush the toilet. Who, but those who decide to do the unthinkable, need to flush the toilet twice? Double flushing is a sure-tell sign that you Just. Made. A. Nasty.

7. Best not to let anyone see your shoes Sorry gentlemen, this might be difficult for you, but quite frankly if I hear anything – a party, symphonic, forte, piano, mezzo forte – next door when I hold my hair precariously to check under the cubicle walls, you can bet that I will remember those tan sandals with butterfly prints on them for the rest of my life. And gosh darn it if I even see you stroll the corridors with those shoes, I will forever associate you with that time you were in the toilet. Soon enough you’ll find these rules should stream – nay – flow, through your subconscious as soon as you kick-open a toilet door. Happy tinkling! VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

games SUDOKU ANSWERS IN NEXT ISSUE OF VERTIGO

MEDIUM:

hard: [ANSWERS FOR PREVIOUS ISSUE] MEDIUM:

Always roll up in your best outfit Have you been checking someone out at uni? Too shy to let your feelings be known? Take your admiration to a whole new level. SMS 0404 449 606 and let that special person know. Don’t forget to leave your name/alias and faculty.

hard:

WHO’S CHECKING YOU OUT?

To the hot brunette guy who sits in the food court on Tuesday mornings with the satchel bag. You look delicious.

scoping out that hottie in your Econ 101 class? Didn’t have the nerve to ask them out? Send us a text on 0404 449 606 and let ‘em know.

Hi, I like Lola.

To the saucy redhead I met on the rooftop – I’m not the guy you need, but I’m the guy you deserve. Give me a signal.

TASTY BLONDIE, fashion.

ANONYMOUS, FACULTY UNKNOWN. To the guy with the long ratty who took the tower elevator at around 10am on a Thursday, please don’t ever check me out, you’re creepy.

can’t touch this, Business.

bRUCE, BUSINESS.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy. Give me your number. I’ll call you.

Girl in library wearing a ripped Red Hot Chilli Peppers shirt, you didn’t return my pen. Coffee instead?

MAYBE, COMMUNICATIONS. Why hasn’t anyone texted about me yet?

can’t stop staring, law.

INVISIBLE hottie, INTERNATIONAL.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

get the attention you really deserve submit to vertigo it’s the correct thing to do

because you never know how many heads you’ll be turning

reports

DEMAND A HIGH QUALITY EDUCATION Jade Tyrrell President, UTS Students’ Association

When you hear the phrase ‘quality of education’ in isolation, I am betting you are not falling off your chair with excitement. However, when placed in context this phrase is a critical one, and relevant to us all. Have you ever been concerned about the quality of teaching you receive, student-to-staff ratios, or the availability of resources or facilities? Quality of education is something for all university students to be concerned about! Over the past few weeks, you might have heard Students’ Association representatives talk about the National Union of Students (NUS) Quality Survey. This national survey aims to gauge students’ perceptions about the quality of their experience at university. By the end of these Students’ Association reports, I hope we will have convinced you of the importance of filling it out (before it finishes on 30th May). We appreciate those students who have already taken the time to complete the survey; the results – on a campus and at a national level – provide us with a vital tool to fight for improving students’ university experience, particularly in light of the deregulation of student places.

FLICK MY SWITCH CAMPAIGN FOR 100% RENEWABLE ENERGY AT UTS I had the pleasure of assisting the Enviro Collective with the Flick My Switch campaign this semester. This campaign seeks to have the University become the first university in Australia to switch to 100% renewable energy – by 2015. While UTS is taking measures to improve energy efficiency and it aims for a 30% reduction in carbon emissions by 2021, the Enviro Collective and the Students’ Association wants the University to make a commitment to use renewable energy. We were pleased to see how well students responded to the referendum, held in the second week of May. The support for this issue is overwhelming, and I would like to congratulate all members of the Enviro Collective for their hard work on the Flick My Switch campaign. In the wake of the referendum, I look forward to taking the report to the University to deliver the students’ response to maintain the pressure for solid renewable energy commitments.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

INTERNATIONAL STUDENTS

GET INVOLVED

I have been in talks with international student representatives recently, including those at the Council of International Students of Australia (CISA), who have emphasised the importance of improving the safety of international students, particularly in light of recent attacks. In addition to this, the UTS Students’ Association is also keen to bridge any cultural divide that exists between local and international students through its support for the activities and events of our International Students’ Collective. If you are an international student, I strongly encourage you to get involved in the Collective as it provides a great opportunity to network and run events for both domestic and international students to enjoy. Please email me at sapresident2012@uts.edu.au if you are interested.

It has been great to see so many new people coming in to the Students’ Association to get involved in our campus-specific and national campaigns recently – particularly around issues concerning quality of education. Remember, even if you are strapped for time, we encourage you to have a say through mechanisms like the NUS Quality Survey and through the Students’ Association collectives.

STUDENT SAFETY ON CAMPUS Safety is not exclusively an international student concern. In response to issues raised with the University by the Students’ Association (and the Vertigo article ‘UTS: Home, Sweet Home?’ in Edition 3), I have been informed that UTS Security has increased the number of security cameras on the Ultimo Pedestrian Network (UPN) near Yura Madang. The lighting at the mouth of the tunnel has also been improved, and Security has invested in a new campus shuttle for housing students that seats 12 instead of seven, so that there can be a standby shuttle for emergency use. This is a positive development for all housing students. However, the Students’ Association believes more can be done. We are keen to fight for students to have access through Building 6 late at night – but we must come to an arrangement that does not further compromise the safety of students or threaten the security of materials and equipment in the building.

STUDENT SURVIVAL CENTRE Preparations are underway for the Students’ Association Survival Centre, which has been made possible through the Student Services and Amenities Fee (SSAF). We intend to take a holistic approach with this service; it is to provide students in need with basic essentials (including long-life food, toiletries and stationery) in the short-term, but because we recognise that students at uni can often suffer from more serious financial and/or welfare concerns, the service will also act as a comprehensive referral service in the long-term. We would also like to offer students the ability to acquire business clothes to assist them with career-related activities including job interviews, so we are asking for your donations of business clothes that you no longer use for the benefit of those students who may not be able to afford them. Please drop your second-hand business clothes to the Students’ Association office on Level 3 of the Tower Building.

If you are concerned about your student experience or have a student issue that you feel needs to be addressed, please contact us – we are happy to take your concerns to the university (or further, if necessary) to achieve change for the better. Jade Tyrrell President, UTS Students’ Association

Lyndal Butler Education Vice President, UTS Students’ Association

“Hey! How have you been lately? Are your assignments going well, are you getting enough sleep, are you eating healthy food?” These are questions my mum asks me all the time, and just like our caregivers are concerned about our nutritional needs, so is the Education Action Group concerned about the quality and accessibility of our education. We work to ensure you you get the degree you signed up for and you have equal opportunity to complete your degree to the best of your ability. You can join the Education Action Group today! Simply email us at utssaeag@gmail.com to find more about who we are, what we do and how you can get involved!

National Union of Students Quality Survey Have you done the NUS Quality Survey? This survey was formulated in response to the rollout of deregulation of university places for students at all Australian universities this year. This means potentially more students at Uni, but are unis equipped to cope with this change? Are we still getting the same quality education we received before the introduction of this system? The NUS Quality Survey aims to identify the shortfalls in areas of teaching and learning and university resources at all Australian universities.

So, ready to do the survey? You can fill out the survey online by visiting the National Union of Students website: unistudent.com.au You can also fill out a hard copy of the survey. Just come and see us at the Students’ Association to complete one. You are also welcome to pick up more surveys to hand around your class or to ask your friends to do. We need to do as many surveys as possible to make sure the needs of UTS students are adequately represented, and to make sure the National Union of Students and our Students’ Association can work to improve on the issues you identify in the survey.

Fund Our Future Photo Petition I just want to send out a great big thank you to everyone who has helped out with and participated in the photo petition so far! We have so far gathered heaps of photos, but we need heaps more! If you’d like to help out with the photo petition, simply come and see us at the Students’ Association or send me an email at butlerlyndal1@gmail.com to get involved! Not yet sure if you should join the photo petition? The petition calls for: • 10% increase in government funding to universities • Smaller class sizes • Access to resources such as textbooks in the library and online course materials • Properly trained, permanent staff • Diversity of course options Do you agree with these demands? Join the photo petition today!

Create Change: how to run campaigns that make a real difference The Education Action Group has been running training sessions for students interested in activism and changing the world. In our first session we talked about how to develop your campaign message, and how to communicate this to a wide range of audiences. We shared some handy tips on public speaking, networking and planning stunts and events. Our other sessions focused on visual and online campaigning as a way of spreading your ‘message’ and ultimately, how to achieve your vision for the future. Stay tuned for more training sessions! The Education Action Group will be running more sessions next semester. Come along to learn, get experience in creating change and network with other activists who want to make a real difference. If you want to register for our free sessions next semester, simply send me an email at butlerlyndal1@gmail.com. Lyndal Butler Education Vice-President, UTS Students’ Association

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

UTS STUDENTS’ ASSOCIATION

indigenous COLLECTIVE REPORT ENVIRO COLLECTIVE REPORT allison whittaker

Rhea demelo

Yaama* my fellow deadly UTS students, Koori, Murri, TSI, otherwise Indigenous or non-Koori! I’d like to begin this report by acknowledging not only the traditional owners of this land, but its past, present and future owners, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation, upon whose land UTS operates. As part of this acknowledgement, I’d like to extend this respect of the land to elders, past and present. Without their wisdom, our community and our land would not stand today. And, oh my, how the time has flown by! We’ve been quite the busy people at the Indigenous Collective of late. This semester has seen the beginning of a brand new, fresh and deadly mob of Indigenous students meeting regularly to discuss life, oppression, family, culture and what it means to be ATSI today. Our regular meetings have been moved to Jumbunna on level 17 of the Tower, and were held every second Friday, inclusive of Friday May 4. Every other Friday, we chow down on some deadly, and often home-cooked tucker in Love and Grub, an Indigenous dinner where students come to discuss life living away from country, and offer each other the support one normally receives from extended family. Any Indigenous person is very welcome to come along to either of these events, and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me via throughIndig.at.UTS@gmail.com or my personal address Alison.Whittaker@student.uts.edu.au. At these meetings particularly, we have been discussing the creation of our brand new campaign: “Indigenous and Visible!” This campaign is an attempt to prompt non-Indigenous to reconsider how they frame Indigeneity; it’s more than a skin colour! We’re visible, despite the colour of our skin, we’re diverse, from hundreds upon hundreds of Indigenous nations and we’re deadly, rising above generations of government policy and racist oppression to achieve at very high levels! Keep an eye out for the shirts around campus as we kick off the campaign towards the beginning of next semester. Excitingly, the UTS Indigenous Collective is more likely than not headed to the Indigenous Uni Games this year! It’s still in the works, but if you email me your interest, I should be able to get a pretty deadly and sizable mob up to Cairns to do us proud! Until then, my splendid ATSI crew, keep safe and stay deadly.

Hey there! The Flick My Switch referendum was a huge success, and we’ll be publishing the results ASAP. We would like to thank all the students who voted and all those that helped us get the word out: the Students’ Association, Governance Support Unit, Shirley Alexander’s department, the MCU, the lecturers who let us show our video in their classes, Glee Club for their amazing flash mob and UTS Library. The Enviro Collective has been working on the campaign since 2010, and after so many hours of preparation it felt great that Flick My Switch was so well received. Don’t forget we aren’t done yet, so get involved if you want to see UTS powered by 100% renewable Energy! We have been really busy campaigning but have also had workshops, a presentation from Beyond Zero Emissions, rallied with farmers’ associations against Coal Seam Gas and helped out at the Aboriginal Tent Embassy at Sandon Point. Don’t forget the Students of Sustainability (SoS) Conference for 2012 is coming up and registration is now open. This year it will be held at La Trobe University, Bendigo Victoria, from July 4th-8th. SoS is completely organised by students; it’s four days of camping, workshops and discussions on environmental and social justice. For more details, go to http://studentsofsustainability.org/ or get in touch with us! For registration go to http://tinyurl.com/sos2012rego

In culture, in rights, and in freedom, Alison *Yaama means hello in Goomeroi, the language group from which I originate.

VERTIGO ISSUE FOUR

Rhea DeMelo Enviro Collective Co-conveynor

STUDENTS OF SUSTAINABILITY CONFERENCE 4th - 8th July, 2012 http://studentsofsustainability.org/

FREE BREAKFAST FOR UTS STUDENTS Tower Building Wednesdays 8:30 - 11:00 AM