The Four Seasons
Summer V I C T O R I A
H O S P I C E
B E R E A V E M E N T
N E W S L E T T E R
How will we get through the summer? HELPFUL INFO Children who are having serious problems with grief and loss may show one or more of these signs: ● an extended period of depression in which the child loses interest in daily activities and events ● inability to sleep, loss of appetite, prolonged fear of being alone ● acting much younger for an extended period ● excessively imitating the dead person ● repeated statements of wanting to join the dead person ● withdrawal from friends, or ● sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend school For more information about children and grief, go to: http://www.victoriahospice.org/ pdfs/ChildrenandGrief.pdf ●
As the parent of bereaved children, you may be looking forward to the summer holiday with some uneasiness. You may be wondering how you and your children will manage without the familiar routines, supports and distractions of school life. The family’s usual summer routine, whether that is a family vacation, daycare, summer camps, or staying at home, may not be possible at this time. If it is available, you may worry that it won’t be supportive enough for your bereaved children. If you are concerned about how your children will do and what they might need over the summer holiday, talk with them. Let them know what your concerns are and what you think might be helpful. Discuss your concerns with anyone else who will be caring for the children. You are grieving too and you may fear that you won’t have the energy or stamina to keep up with your children all day. You may doubt you’ll have the patience to deal with their grief as well as your own. If you took the opportunity to fall apart when they were safely at school, you may wonder what will happen when they are at home through the summer. Do your best to make time for yourself in the summer routine. The return to school at the end of the summer may be a worry for you. Perhaps your children have been reluctant to go to school or have found it difficult to concentrate in class. Summertime may be a welcome relief. Your children may feel doubly sad and alone if they, or some close friends, are moving on from one school to another. This is another loss. Find out how they’d like their needs to be addressed and what supports are available to them. The following are some suggestions that may help: ● Schedule regular play dates at a friend’s house for your children. ● Ask another parent, friend or family member to be on call for ‘bad days’. ● Collect crafts, books and other activities that your children can enjoy without you. ● Build some grief rituals into the time you spend together (visit the grave, plant a tree, look at photos, make a memory book, or write a letter to the person who died). ● Consult with school counsellors or grief counsellors in your area. ●
1952 Bay Street,Victoria, British Columbia V8R 1J8 • www.victoriahospice.org Bereavement Inquiries: (250) 370-8868 Monday to Friday
BOOK REVIEW
Father Figures – Three Wise Men Who Changed a Life by Michael Sweeney This heartfelt memoir details Sweeney’s childhood, adolescence and young adulthood growing up in a large Irish–Catholic family after the death of his father. Anyone who has experienced the death of a parent during childhood or adolescence, or anyone now single parenting a child will be moved by the young Sweeney’s clear and sincere objective to find men who could teach him how to be a father. Sweeney’s story demonstrates not only his lessons about fathering, but also how unexpressed grief can shape a person, a family and the future. ●
Summer’s Unique Challenges Though it is hard to be a bereaved person in any season, summer poses unique challenges. It is often a time of travel and reunions, special events and celebrations. You may find that everyone around you is preparing with great enthusiasm to enjoy the warmth and sunshine of the summer season. As a bereaved person, you may feel quite differently about summer. Your energy may be low and your interest in outdoor activities and travel minimal. You may watch in wonder at how carefree and happy other people seem and miss the cheerfulness or pleasure you felt in other times. If you get pulled into the fun of summertime, you may feel guilty for enjoying yourself. Remember that a balance of grief and normal living is healthy and helpful. The impact of your loss and the weight of your grief may effect what is important to you right now. Consider your needs and choose carefully those people, activities or events that suit you this summer. ●
Rosemary – For Remembrance Rosemary has been a symbol for remembrance since ancient times. It has been used as a symbol of love and remembrance at both weddings and funerals. For newlyweds, it’s a symbol of fidelity and a promise not to forget vows made; for bereaved people, it’s a symbol of love and a promise not to forget the person who has died. On special days or in difficult times you might plant, gather or give sprigs of rosemary as a way of remembering the person who died, your memories together and the impact he or she had on your life. ●
GETTING OUTSIDE With the sun shining, you may think about getting outside more often, yet find yourself staying inside. It may help to explore what prevents you from venturing outside: ● Are you nervous about running into people you haven’t seen? ● Do you simply feel too sad or tired? ● Are you uncomfortable with the idea of going out on your own? ● Do you need to consult with your doctor about health concerns first? Once you are aware of what has been holding you back, you can consider ways to address these challenges: ● Ask a friend to walk with you. ● Join a walking group. ● See a counsellor or your family physician for guidance. Thinking about the benefits of being outside may give you some additional motivation or inspiration: ● Being outside brings you fresh air and valuable Vitamin D, along with new perspectives. ● You may find yourself breathing more deeply and slowly after awhile. ● You may experience moments of peace, calm, reflection or insight as you take in a beautiful view, find a quiet spot or take a brisk hike. Experiment until you find what works best for you.The hardest part is beginning – but the journey may hold unexpected gifts. ●
1952 Bay Street,Victoria, British Columbia V8R 1J8 • www.victoriahospice.org Bereavement Inquiries: (250) 370-8868 Monday to Friday