Esthea Martini

But God...

This was my “BUT GOD” year. Even though everything around me looked different, and insecurities surrounded me, I concluded that God is my constant!

Never have I ever felt so insecure and unsure about what I saw happening around me, yet so secure in God and sure of who He is.

I experienced a rollercoaster of emotions daily and was completely overwhelmed by the tornado of information that came my way every day over WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, and daily news updates. I would find myself gripped by fear or worry. Trying to ignore those thoughts and emotions, I would watch a movie or find some other way to deal with it. BUT not even that helped quiet the noise in my mind or the overwhelming emotions that caused me to feel like someone in an ocean trying to keep my head above water.

BUT GOD!! Yet again, He showed Himself faithful. It was in the drawing aside, putting on worship music, reading and meditating the Word, journaling, and choosing to praise Him especially when I did not feel like it, AND, YES, I did have those days!

As I chose to draw close to the Father, I experienced His peace that surpasses all understanding, and I knew I was okay because God is my hope!

In order for me to explain my “BUT GOD” year, I need to share some vulnerable thoughts and emotions. I had thoughts and questions like:

“Will we make this?”

“Will our children be okay with all the change and disappointment?”

“Will we have food to eat and enough supplies in the house during lockdown?” (yes, I bought way too much toilet paper and canned food!)

“What is going on in the world?”

For the most part, I felt totally out of control.

BUT GOD - He gave me the most precious scriptures that carried me through this year, and they still sustain me today ...

Psalm 119:105 says, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”

Through this verse, God told me that He would lead me step by step. We need a lamp when it is dark … okay let me just be brutally honest with you … it felt pretty dark to me, and I needed God’s written Word and spoken Word to lead me step by step, as I allowed Him to lead me, I started to feel safe!

Hebrews 13:8 says, “Jesus Christ is the sameyesterday, today, and forever.”

Everything changed around me, but He remained the same. This truth caused hope to arise within me in a time where hopelessness was trying to overwhelm me.

These scriptures became my anchor that I held on to. I think for me as a daughter of God, it was time to implement and live what I believe! It is so much easier to tell someone what the Word says, but to actually believe it and walk in it amidst very challenging circumstances is another story! I came to a place where I had to ask myself some important questions:

Whose voice is the loudest — that of the world or God?

What do I really believe about God?

In who do I put my trust?

Navigating these questions are a lot more complicated when considering the challenging year we’ve had...BUT GOD, true to His Word, lead me constantly and consistently. He reminded me to turn my full attention to Him. He reminded me who He is. He reminded me of His faithfulness in my life. And as He led me daily, days became weeks, weeks became months, and as I come to the end of 2020, I can see His faithful leading.

This was a different kind of year, but looking back, different is not always bad. My “BUT GOD” year anchored me deeper in God and caused me to seek God like never before.

I believe God is raising up “Davids” in His Kingdom. A people that know God. People who know their authority in God and walks in humility and boldness. We might face a few giants in the future, but we know who God is, and we know who we are in Christ.

As you come to the end of your year, take time to reflect on your “BUT GOD” moments, and you will see that He has led you step by step, day by day, week by week, always remaining the same.

—Along with her husband Brent Martini, they are leadPastors of Paarl Family Church.