Melissa Le Roux

YOUR GRACE IS SUFFICIENT

HI MY NAME IS MELISSA. I GREW UP IN A BROKEN household. My father was abusive, jealous, and unfortunately, I was his victim. He was addicted to pornography, and I was exposed to it from a very young age. I grew up thinking pornography was love. I saw love as a very sexual, manipulative, and controlling. I grew up thinking that women are only objects to men, that we are only here to give pleasure to them and that we have no voice.

In grade 8 I met a guy. He was my best friend, and this relationship was my escape from my home life. One day he showed me a video, it was pornography. From that moment, I started to believe the lie that I was going to be a woman who was going to be trapped in a sexually abusive relationship, with no voice. It affected my whole being, my entire identity. I felt trapped in my thoughts. I felt alone, guilty, and so dirty. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be loved or even give love. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I rejected myself in every way.

Because I didn’t know how to cope with all of this I struggled a lot with anxiety and panic attacks. Whenever my father raised his voice, I would get a panic attack that lasted several minutes. When I reached high school, I started taking strong medication to control these attacks.

In 2016 I got the chance to move to Cape Town, which I thought was an answer to prayer for a new start. I was so excited, yet it quickly went from bad to worse. The circumstances in which I found myself were full of triggers that increased my anxiety: from manipulative relationships, to unhealthy habits, to feeling trapped. I was stuck in a dark, deceptive world, and I couldn’t get out of it. All of this left me angry, disappointed, suicidal, hopeless, and scared. I felt so alone and defeated.

My past left me feeling broken and damaged, but I got to a point where I had to make peace with the people that had hurt me, forgive them and set them free, especially my dad. It was so difficult, but I found so much freedom and joy by doing it. I decided to tell my close friends what was going on in my life and I shared everything with them that I had struggled with. Talking about it and bringing it into the light was the start of my healing process, it gave me so much freedom. From there on I really just focused on getting closer to God and hearing the truth from Him. I really had to focus on the renewing of the mind. I had been programmed to see the world as full of hurt, rejection and lust. So I had to re-programme my mind to think differently and to see the world in light, love and freedom.

Today I am free, fearless, and faith-filled. I am no longer on medication, and although I do sometimes struggle with anxiety, I know it’s an ongoing journey. I want to encourage you, keep moving forward. There is so much healing and joy in store for you. You are NOT alone. No matter the extent of your brokenness, anxiety, guilt or regret, there is ALWAYS a bigger plan, picture, and purpose when you put your faith in God! I know that I am loved and accepted and that no matter how tough and long my journey has been, I have never been alone. I have encountered true love from God, and I know that I am capable of being loved and giving love. Love is beautiful. It is an invitation to love others past their walls of shame, guilt, fear, and unforgiveness. I have experienced God’s freedom and forgiveness, and so can you! You were made to be loved. Freedom and joy lie on the other side of the big wall that you build to protect yourself.

— Intern & VGY Alumni from Victory Church, Jeffreys Bay