FEARLESS GIRL

Marzanne Aldridge

GROWING UP, FOR ME, MY NAME REPRESENTED FEAR. IT WAS WRITTEN ALL OVER ME.

I grew up in what I thought every Christian house looked like. The type that goes to church every Sunday, who prays before every meal, and who sings a worship song every now and then. However, we were also the type that went to church on Sunday but got drunk Monday to Saturday. The type that abused one another, and who completely misunderstood love.

My dad was an alcoholic and addicted to gambling. In 90% of my memories of him, he is drunk. He wasn’t aggressive towards us, but he was definitely the cause of all aggression that took place in the house. Later on, my oldest brother was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. I know, this is a Christian magazine and I shouldn’t say this, but I truly hated him with everything in me. I dreaded going to sleep every night because I knew something would happen, it was just a matter of time. Every night I would lay in my bed and wait. Wait for my dad to come home drunk. Wait for my parents to get into a fight, and then ultimately, wait for my brother to interfere. I couldn’t sleep without my hockey stick under my bed and my earphones in my ears – trying to drown out the shouting and the doors slamming.

One night, I followed my normal routine, but this time the shouting wasn’t drowned out by the music. It got worse: voices being raised, glass shattering, tumbling and falling here and there, and a shout for help. I wanted to help, but my body was completely paralyzed by fear. That night was different because this time it was my 22-year-old Bipolar brother who came home drunk. He was upset with my dad for gambling away all the food money and started breaking everything he could find. He shattered almost our entire kitchen, tossed my mom around, and then took his dumbbells and threw it through our glass door. Our only option was to call the police. Not exactly every mom’s dream to have their son locked up.

That became our new normal…

Sports, arts, and drama became my escape, my safe haven. I faked the best smile and put up the perfect front so that no one would ever find out what was actually going on behind the closed doors of our “perfect, Christian home”. I kept absolutely everything to myself. My friends and teachers were never allowed to know that I dreaded living. Dreaded going home. Living in what felt like hell every single day of my life.

Besides what was going on with the men of our house, my mom had her own struggles. When I was 10 years old my mom tried to commit suicide. The pressures to keep it all together and to be perfect simply got too heavy to carry any further. I was scared. If my mom couldn’t handle the pressure, how was I supposed to do it? So, I took the rope from my robe and tied it around my neck. All of a sudden, the radio in my room started playing some Christian song. I felt a voice telling me to open up my Bible. I can’t remember exactly what scripture it was, but I assume now it was in Nehemiah when God spoke to Him about rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem. I felt God saying that I need to start rebuilding my walls and give Him a chance to work in my life. 10-year-old me removed the rope around my neck and just cried. I wept for hours, and then I ran to my mom and told her that God saved me and He said that He’s not done with me.

Ever since then, I had the revelation that God is good, no matter what. Through the following years and years of hell I constantly reminded myself of that one encounter. I never doubted the goodness of God. It was set in stone that God is good, no matter what. Unfortunately, through the whole process, I stepped in the same trap that so many believers step in: Religion. I became so focused on doing everything right, according to God, that I became judgmental and thought I was better than everyone who didn’t do the right thing. I worked a Christian angle into every speech I ever gave in school, and every time I ran a race, I wrote Bible verses on my feet. And of course, if you just dared to look at alcohol, I would judge you so hard (that’s what Christians do right?). I was set to never ever be like my family that I completely missed the whole relationship thing with God. I just wanted to do the right thing, not necessarily the God thing.

But, luckily for me, God is good. In 2014 my oldest brother (yes, the drinking, smoking, Bipolar one) got radically saved after spending a few months in a rehab centre. He walked out and decided that he will not continue down this path towards destruction. He immediately quit smoking and drinking and, in the process, went from the person I hated the most, to my best friend. He went from someone I barely spoke to, to someone who laughed with me while serving at the church. He completed 3 years of Bible school and is now the person I look up to most. Like I said – God is good.

He was good in every situation I found myself in, and he was especially good the day he named me.

In 2017 I came to Jeffreys Bay to join the Victory gap year. In September that year I lost my dad due to a heart attack. However, two weeks before his passing he sat in a Pastor’s office saying “I have my kids and God and that’s all I need”. He got saved. Perfectly saved by God’s grace – God is good.

You want to know the best part of the story? In that year of VGY we did something called ‘Ancient Paths’ and for the first time ever I opened up about everything that has happened to me. At the end of the week we got certificates with the meaning of our names written on it.

My name means “Fearless and God is good.” I’m constantly reminded that it was and always will be JUST GOD that saved my family and I. This testimony is not to “brag” about all the bad things that I survived. Not at all. It’s about how good God is. How he showed up every time, even when I didn’t notice it. He was good in every situation I found myself in, and He was especially good the day He named me. No matter how hard the enemy tried to change my identity to a fearful girl, I was named by God. FEARLESS GIRL.

— Marzanne lives and works in Jeffrey’s Bay as a photographer and graphic designer. She is a member of Victory Church and serves on the production team.