23 minute read
THE OLIVIER LADIES
MICHELLE, RYNIE & WILMA
3 testimonies of healing & restoration after trauma
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MICHELLE: My testimony: part 2
One of the things I enjoy most about testimonies is the fact that God is never done with them, He is always adding more.Last year God clearly said that there was a new level of healing that I didn’t know about yet. This was an interesting statement since I believed I was completely healed and living a victorious life.
For those of you who don’t know my story, in 2012 during my 3rd year at varsity, I was attacked and raped during my morning run one holiday morning. God saved me that day and I had an amazing encounter with the Godhead during the event. Since then, every year during that time of the year, I think to myself, “How is this even possible, how can I be more healed and more free than the previous year?” Therefore, when I felt God say there is more, it did not surprise me, even though it did not make sense. (You can read more about part 1 of my testimony in the THIRTY-ONE: Issue 14)
When God completely heals, the details of our pain do not matter anymore. Most of the details of that day God removed from my memory, I could not remember what my offender looked like, what his name was, or the date of the event. What I can remember is how I so closely experienced God’s presence and how I tried to share the Gospel with my offender while he was attacking me. Since God did such an amazing and complete healing in my life, I never thought I would have to force myself to go back to that day and face the details of the past again. Only now it was the details of the PAST and not the details of the PAIN, since all the pain has been removed.
Last year during one of my lunch breaks I received an unexpected phone call, my offender was appearing in court to be released on parole and I was given the choice if I wanted to attend the sitting. It was not even a thought that I had to think about... Immediately in my spirit, I knew that I had to go. This was an unexpected thought, since I didn’t feel like I had to see him again to get closure, or that I had questions I wanted to ask him about what happened that day. I mean, I could walk straight into him at Spar and I wouldn’t know it is him. But for some reason, I knew I had to go.
On the 24th of February this year I had the opportunity, not to only be healed, but to bring healing. Even though I knew that I had to go, I was still nervous. This was still a very uncomfortable situation and I did not know how I was going to react when I looked into the eyes of the man who raped me. Being an emotional person, I prayed that God would protect my heart and emotions so that I would be able to go and do what He is sending me to do. Two nights before the sitting I was having quiet time in my room, and I saw Father God walk into my room and sit on my bed. My face asked the question and God answered before I could ask what He was doing there, ‘For what you are about to go through, you are going to need a Father.’ Of course, I knew I needed God to go with me, but this made even more sense the following day when I learned that my dad was unable to go with me.
I just want to pause my story here and say “Thank God for amazing spiritual fathers!”. I was blessed by an amazing spiritual father, that not only attended the sitting with me, but brought a spiritual authority and safety into the room. I’m also blessed that even though I don’t have a husband yet, my brotherin-law came along, as an incredible emotional support. God is so deeply involved in the details of our healing! I’m so blessed by people in my life that walk this incredible journey of life with me, we certainly are BETTER TOGETHER.
After encountering Father God, a peace and authority came over me. The morning before the sitting I was walking on the beach worshipping and declaring “I’m gonna see a victory because the battle belongs to the Lord”. So many amazing people were praying for me and I could feel God’s enabling power come over me. I felt ready to be used by God to get a whole prison saved.
Back to the courtroom… When my attacker walked into the room, I was completely surprised by what I was feeling. I knew that God loved him as well, not any less than what He loves me, this man standing in front of me is also God’s child. I felt the Father’s heart for him, and my heart started to break for him. I saw a boy, broken, lost and afraid. I realized that I was not the one that was broken and afraid, after the event so many years ago, but that he was. I looked at him and thought he could actually easily have been one of our Victory Gap Year students, because he was still so young. My heart broke for him, and even though it is not an excuse for what he had done, I felt sorry for him for the broken household and society he had to grow up in. He did not have anything going for his life, until then. At that moment I realized that this new level of healing that God was speaking about, had little to do with me but more to do with the healing of others that were also affected by this same traumatic event. This healing is also for the man who raped me.
Even though I had forgiven him years before, he was a prisoner. I could go on with my life, live a life in victory and freedom and yet, he was not just a prisoner in a physical jail, but a prisoner of the past. He shared that he was getting nightmares every night and would like to be free from what he had done. Inside I was smiling because I hadn’t had one nightmare since that day. The song continued in my mind, ‘You took what the enemy meant for evil, and you turn it for good.’ I looked him straight in the eyes and released forgiveness over him. I told him that I’d forgiven him years before, Jesus had forgiven him and it is time that he received that forgiveness and forgave himself. I shared with him that when you accept Jesus’ forgiveness then you are free, no matter where you find yourself. You can be caught up in a prison cell physically but be more free, than many people walking free outside, who have not encountered Forgiveness.
I was chuckling inside when he shared that he could not remember much of that day, but what he could remember clearly, was my preaching. I remembered trying to share the Gospel with him and telling him what he was about to do, was breaking God’s heart. Even though he continued with the horrible act, he received a fear of the Lord that day. He shared that he connected with a prison pastor and said he wanted to ask me for forgiveness, and that he couldn’t live like that anymore. Then I knew that I did not have to go see him because I needed something out of it, I had to go because he needed to see me. I had to go because this freedom and healing I was walking in, was not only for me! Jesus did not die for me only, but also for him. I had to go because this next level of healing God was talking about was not only meant for me, but God working through me to bring healing to him.
As I walked out of that prison door that day, I felt more victorious than ever. I blessed him on his new journey as he was released on parole and starting a new life. I surrendered him into God’s hands, not thinking of the negatives of what can happen, but standing on the truth of Who God is. And let’s face it, if God can put him in jail, if it was needed, God would have kept him in jail. Therefore I could release him into God’s hands and also pray for him to be successful and grow in a relationship with God.
In July 2012, the Holy Spirit whispered Romans 8:28 into my ear as I was calling out to God while being raped, today that Word is more alive than ever in my heart: ‘For I can make all things work together for the good to those who are called according to His purpose.’ When God says all things, He means ALL THINGS, even the things that I don’t think about, even the things that don’t affect me.
Today I’m walking in another level of healing, God added more to my story and more to me. Not only do I now live a life of complete healing but also a life with the next level of victory and authority. It is not just God’s will for me to be healed, but also to bring His healing wherever I go. I’ve learned that God’s healing always has a bigger picture in mind I don’t know about. God’s healing is not just for me, but for my offender, my family, and also for you. Since God is always adding to our healing stories, I’m excited to see what God will do next and looking forward to sharing that with you.
RYNIE: The sister
For a very long time, I thought I would never be able to share this piece of my heart with anyone. Not because I didn’t know how or because I didn’t receive healing, but because I believed that I wasn’t allowed. You see, nothing terrible happened to me. I wasn’t beaten or raped. I didn’t almost die.
I’m just the sister of someone who was.
I never admitted to anyone that what happened to Michelle affected me (if you’re not familiar with her testimony, check it out, you definitely won’t regret it). True, it goes without saying that it’s not a fun experience for the family either, but I don’t think we truly realise the extent to which something like this affects a family until it happens to someone you know and love. I never said anything though because I thought that made me selfish. Who am I to struggle with this thing that actually happened to someone else?
By admitting that I was affected by it meant that I was taking someone’s time, energy and attention away from the person who actually needed it – my sister.
I’ve read so many incredible stories and testimonies of women who’ve gone through sexual abuse and how God restored them. Still, I think sometimes we leave the sisters, the mothers, the grannies, the friends, and the colleagues behind. You can’t really type into google search “How to deal with the fact that your sister got raped”, can you? When we do a reality check though, I realise that for every woman who has an incredible story like this, like Michelle’s, there’s also an army of women (and men) who are affected by the same trauma. But we don’t talk about it. Because it’s not our story to tell.
But here I am today, admitting that even though it wasn’t my trauma, it is my testimony.
In 2012 I was 15 years old. I was finally starting to get along with my two older sisters. Them being 5 and 6 years older than me, growing up we kept “missing” each other’s stages. We always loved each other and if you ask me (my mom might disagree) we never even fought a lot, but we weren’t necessarily friends. But as I grew older, we started growing closer and started doing more fun activities together. Michelle loved the farm where we grew up and she enjoyed being outside – horse riding, walking, jogging, you name it. So, I tried my best to keep up.
Most of you know this part of the story – we went jogging, but I couldn’t keep up, so I turned around and went home. I left her alone. What you don’t know, however, is that our dogs went running with us that morning, and I called them to go home with me. When I got home my mom asked me where my sister was and I told her not to worry. “She said she’s going to walk back so she’s probably going to take a while”.
I sat at our coffee table and ate doughnuts while my sister was being raped and fighting for her life.
No words can explain the guilt I felt. For years I believed, no, I KNEW that it was my fault that my sister got raped 2km from our house. If only I left the dogs, if I only I was a little fitter, if only I didn’t tell my mom to not be worried. If only…
If only I knew that the enemy was using my pain against me.
I didn’t allow myself to cry in front of others about it. I made a promise to myself that day that I would never take away time and attention from my sister ever again. I didn’t even pray about it, because God was busy helping Michelle. It wasn’t about me. I started believing a lie that I was selfish, and a terrible baby sister.
Skip a few years ahead, there you find me at university with the same hurt and guilt I had when I was 15. I hated myself and idolized my sisters. Looking up to your sisters, that’s healthy. Idolizing them? Super self-damaging. I never felt like I was good enough for them, or for anyone as a matter of fact. I went through various phases of starving myself, drinking myself into a different state, falling in love with every guy that I knew I couldn’t get… the list goes on and on. All because of one lie I believed: it was all my fault because I was selfish.
Years later, my dear sister Michelle booked me a SOZO appointment at Victory Church. I honestly had no idea what I was getting myself into, but because Michelle said I should go, I went. It was the least I could do right?
During my SOZO appointment I addressed Michelle’s attack for the first time from my perspective. Up until then, whenever someone asked me what happened I told the story how I had heard her tell it. I told HER story. But that day, somewhere in December 2017, I told MY story. And I told it to God. I told Him about my experience, seeing my sister at our front door with blood on her, feeling the guilt rush over me like a wave, sitting on the roof with binoculars looking for any sign of trouble, and then eventually we came to the lie – the root of everything. An unhealed hurt. And piece by piece God removed the lies and restored them with truths. I will never forget the picture God showed me after I told him that I believed Michelle was angry at me…
He showed me a balcony on which Michelle was standing. There were four pillars keeping the balcony steady. The pillars had writing on them and God zoomed in on one specific pillar. There it was. My name. BIG AND BOLD.
Michelle wasn’t mad at me and I wasn’t a bad sister. On the contrary, I was one of the pillars that were keeping her up and steady. I was not the reason for the hurt, but part of the healing.
After that day, step by step, Jesus took my hand and helped me through MY experience of it. It was almost as if I was reliving it all over again because it took me 5 years to allow God into my pain. And that didn’t make me selfish.
It made me strong. And it made me who I am today.
God doesn’t just heal the “victim”, he heals the entire family. The friends. The Facebook acquaintances. EVERONE affected by the trauma.
God can heal, and He can use it ALL for the advancement of the Kingdom.
WILMA:
How does a mother support her family when going through Trauma?
I sat on the floor of our living room, stretching. My daughters and I had been jogging, returning one by one, from the most unfit (me of course) to the fittest (Michelle). We heard a vehicle and as I looked up to see who it was, there was Michelle, looking as if she’d been in a fight, crying out, “Mommy, I have been raped.”
That moment is forever scorched into my mind. No passing of time, no forgiveness, no healing can delete it. And even today, it will come back and haunt me at the most unsuspected moments. But it does not determine my actions, nor my road to recovery and victory.
I am not the cool-headed, everything under control type of mother. I am the shrieking, forgetful, typical youngest child type of mother. I am the “Who wants the wonderful opportunity to prepare dinner for us” type of mother. The “Right girls, it’s happy hour time. In an hour’s time, this house must be shining.”
But God can use any type of mother. And I am grateful that he equipped me to help my family through this difficult time. (Even though I mad a few mistakes too) I would love to share what God has taught me as a mother through this experience.
I am grateful that my years as a life orientation teacher prepared me in some way to handle the situation. I could tell Michelle not to wash, to just grab some clean clothes and take them with us. I could tell Aletia and Rynie, Michelle’s younger sisters, to phone the doctor, their dad, their grandparents and to immediately put it on Facebook, after checking with Michelle. I knew that Michelle did nothing wrong and it was not our shame, but I still wanted to honor her wishes. When I think of the things I did right, putting it out in the open immediately was one of the most significant. We received so much support; not just from the Langklowers (in the area where we live) but from friends and family from all over the world. I have often heard people say that people’s prayers carried them through a difficult time, but now I experienced it for myself. That Sunday morning we had friends and family from all over South Africa, Namibia, Botswana, the USA, Canada, England, and France letting us know that they and their congregations were praying for us. I literally experienced how these prayers were lifting me up and carrying me through those days.
That Friday on our way to the police station, I prayed out loud as I was driving that God should have mercy on us, helping us to use this terrible thing to grow closer to Him and to one another. I also asked God to use this incident to make Michelle an even stronger testimony for Him. During the hours spent at the police station, I held her close to me, comforting her as much as I could, telling her that she is beautiful. Kissing her on her forehead and hair, even though she was reeking of her perpetrator.
That evening when we came home, Michelle being physically and emotionally exhausted, the sisters joined in and we all bathed Michelle together. This might sound strange, even awkward, but we just wanted her to feel like the princess she is, so we tended to her as lovingly as we could. The sisters washed her hair, her back and her feet. I took care of the bruised body as gently as I could. It is as if we all just instinctively knew that we had to affirm her value as a beautiful woman of God.
The next two weeks every minute of my time, every drop of energy, every bit of love was focused on Michelle. My husband slept in her bed and she slept with me so that I could take care of her every need. She would lie awake at night and then I would read to her from the Bible or all the messages of hope and encouragement that people had sent. I think the one thing I did, that only a loving mother can do, was in the immediate hours after the attack while awaiting the police and hospital, was to comfort, love and affirm. I constantly reminded her that she had done nothing wrong, that she was going to be okay. That we shall make it through this together. That God will never let us down.
Unfortunately, I also made quite a few mistakes. I did not take care of my own needs nor those of the two sisters. I think men handle these things in a different manner. The fact that my husband and 5 other men hunted the attacker down for the entire weekend across the Kouga mountains, bringing him in late that Sunday afternoon, gave my husband the opportunity to channel his feelings and sweat it out in the mountains with the rest of the posse. I can imagine the accompanying “man talk” also doing its bit of good. But for us girls, it was a different story. The two sisters were giving Michelle the perfect support – managing every-one’s cell phones, serving gallons of coffee, tea and cooldrink to everyone who came to offer support, never claiming any time, attention, or comfort for themselves. It was much later that I realised that this was not good. We were all so focused on getting Michelle through it, that none of us realised that we were heading down the wrong road as far as our own emotional and spiritual healing was concerned. The led to all sorts of problems through the years to come. So, adding to the guilt I felt about the attack (which real mother would sit and do stretches, not knowing that her daughter is being raped a stone’s throw away?) I also started blaming myself for neglecting my other two daughters.
Something else I blamed myself for, was leaving my precious mother, who’s a faithful prayer warrior, alone in the car outside the police station, because I was too scared to leave Michelle by herself. I know a lot of my mom’s trauma is related to the fact that she sat alone in the car for almost three hours.
As I sat with Michelle giving her statement to the police officer, I relived every moment as she related it. The detail was so vivid, that it led to one of the biggest problems for me on my road to healing – I could not travel on the farm road without thinking, “This is where she saw him for the first time, this is where he dragged her out of the road” etc. I think it was after about two years that I got to the point that I could drive to the R62 and then realise that I did not think of the attack while I was on the farm road. But of course, then I still thought of it, even if it was on the R62. Now it is only very seldomly when I am emotionally depleted or like when we went to the attacker’s parole hearing, that my thoughts involuntarily drift back there.
I can truly say that we as a family do not have a victim mentality. Michelle’s attack has not become “the thing” that defines our family. Of course, we are constantly becoming more and more whole, even when we do not realise that we need more healing. I am very proud of my family. Not one of us once blamed anyone (but ourselves). Not one of us questioned God.
This is what I’ve learned as a mother dealing with trauma in the family:
• Try to stay calm, Holy Spirit will remind you and help you to think about what your family’s immediate needs are and how to take care of them the best way you can. Remember Holy Spirit will give you insight and wisdom in how to handle the situation, you are not on your own.
• Honor your child’s wishes, even though you know the truth and know better. You want your family member to feel you are a safe space for them and that you are there to support them and take care of their needs.
• Community is crucial. Just because you are the mother doesn’t mean you need to have everything under control and that you need to do everything yourself. You need people to help you and your family. You need people to cover you in prayer and the neighborhood or friend that pitches up at your front door with a meal.
• In times of trauma, the enemy wants to come and steal the truth, it is so important that you as a mother who knows the truth, stand on the truth and affirm your child. Hold onto God’s Word, remind your child of it, speak and pray the Word of God over them.
• Take care of the immediate physical needs, yes of course you’ll pray for your child, but don’t try and explain spiritual things when your child is trying to just make it through the day. The day to deal with the trauma on a spiritual level will come at the right time.
• Don’t forget about the rest of the family. It is important to remember that when one family member goes through a ttraumatic event, it’s
— The Olivier ladies are from Joubertina, South Africa. With Rynie and Michelle living and working in Jeffrey’s Bay. Michelle is a pastor at Victory Church and Rynie is a copywriter and along with her husband she oversees the Victory Gap Year girls house.
