FEAR OF THE DARK CHARMAINE ESMERALDA ESTHER RHIE
[DARK] THE DEEPEST DEPTH OF YOUR INNER-MOST SELF WHERE YOUR SOCIAL GUARDS ARE NON-EXISTENT.
CERTAINTY AND CONFUSION COEXIST TO PRODUCE MEANING AND SUBSTANCE
IF IT’S A SUNDAY, I WILL PICK HIM OVER THE EAR-PIERCING MUSIC AND VIBRATIONS OVER WHISKEY SOURS, SHOTS OF VODKA, BOTTLES OF STELLA ARTOIS, AND A SECRET BOTTLE OF WINE I KEEP IN MY OVERSIZED BACKPACK OVER TEMPORARY FREEDOM FROM MOVEMENT OVER SEX THAT MAKES ME COME MORE THAN ONCE I WILL PICK HIM BECAUSE HE LET ME SPEAK WHEN ALL I WANT IS TO BE HEARD HE HAS SUBSTANCE, MORE HUMAN, MORE REAL, HE LET ME SPEAK MY MIND HE SPOKE TO ME IN THE MOST MEANINGFUL WAY I’VE ALWAYS CRAVED FOR EVEN THOUGH I’M A CYNIC, EVEN THOUGH I DON’T BELIEVE IN A LOT OF THINGS FROM PEOPLE HE HAD SO MUCH INTENSITY AND PASSION ON THAT FIRST TIME WE MET AND WE DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING BUT TALK ABOUT NOTHING AND EVERYTHING BUT JUST LIKE YOU, HE IS JUST AN ENTITY IN THIS RED ROOM EXISTING ONLY IN DREAMS, OUTSIDE THIS REALITY YOU SAY YOU’RE TOO BUSY TO BE IN.
HE TOLD ME ABOUT ENERGY, WHERE IT COMES FROM AND HOW TO WITNESS IT WITHIN OUR BODY. HE ASKED NOTHING FROM ME BUT TO SEE MY BLOOD AND TO FEEL HIM EVEN JUST FOR A BIT. THAT MORNING, I WOKE UP NEXT TO HIM AND WAS REMINDED OF MUCH HE PENETRATED DEEP INTO MY SOUL. HE IS NOT LIKE YOU HE WASN’T AFRAID TO DIVE ON THE FIRST TIME HE SAW THE DARK WATERS WHEN HE SAW ME FLOAT THERE NONCHALANTLY, AWARE THAT I LIVE THERE.
“ARE YOU AWARE OF HOW ATTRACTIVE YOUR SOUL IS?” WORDS I DON’T THINK YOU CAN EVER SAY TO ME
SUNDAY, HE CAME BACK. WE SAT TOGETHER AND HE ASKED ME ABOUT MY PLAYLISTS, HE LET ME SIT ON HIS LAP AS WE KISSED AND SPENT THE NEXT HOUR GOING THROUGH EVERYTHING AND LISTENING TO SOME OF MY FAVORITES. HE ASKED WHAT EACH PLAYLIST MEANT AND HOW THE TITLES CAME TO BE. THERE WAS ONE PLAYLIST CALLED THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS HE TURNED TO ME AND BIT MY LIP TOLD ME “I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOUR LOWER LIP...THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS WHAT?” HE BUGGED ME TO ETERNITY UNTIL I FINALLY TOLD HIM WHAT IT IS. WE MADE LOVE VERY QUICKLY, GENTLY PENETRATING ME WITH HIS HARD COCK. HE HELD ME TIGHTLY AS HE GAVE ME BRUISES ALL OVER MY NECK AND MY CHEST. SLOW AND GENTLE AS WE BOTH MOANED AND SMILED AT EACH OTHER. I WAS VERY TIGHT AND WARM BUT I WASN’T WET. I WASN’T WET BECAUSE I WAS THINKING OF YOU, I DIDN’T WANT TO HURT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU NEVER WORRIED ABOUT HURTING ME. IN MY BED, SLIGHTLY DAMPED BY OUR SWEAT, SALIVA AND MOMENTS OF PLEASURE THAT JUST TRANSPIRED, WE JUST LOOKED AT EACH OTHER. I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY FANTASIES AND HE TOLD ME HIS. WE TALKED ABOUT OUR DARKEST FEARS. WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT DEATH AND CANCER. THAT’S WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT COMPATIBILITY IS A COMFORTABLE MOMENT WHEN YOU CAN TALK ABOUT NOTHING AND EVERYTHING, SOMETHING WE DON’T REALLY HAVE. IT WAS PAST MIDNIGHT AND HE ASKED ME ABOUT MY FAVORITE BOOK. I SHOWED HIM ONE OF MY COPIES AND TALKED TO HIM ABOUT LIVING SPIRITS, MISSING CATS, FISH RAINING FROM THE SKY, BEING ALONE IN THE WOODS, AND HOW MY LIFE IS PARALLEL TO THAT... SOMETHING YOU NEVER EVEN LET ME DO. HE HAD TO GO HOME, HESITANT TO SAY GOODBYE, HE TOOK THE BOOK WITH HIM. MEMORIES OF HIM WARMED ME UP INSIDE AND IT ALSO TORE ME APART, HE LEFT ME WITH BRUISES AND THIS INTENSE FEELING OF LONELINESS. IN THIS LEFTOVER SORROW, I KEPT HOPING FOR HIM TO COME BACK.
I WANT SO BADLY TO FORGET ABOUT YOU. I WANT TO SEE YOU, TALK TO YOU, HEAR YOUR STORIES, BUT YOU NEVER HAVE TIME. EVEN THOUGH TIME IS A CONSTRUCT AND WE ARE OUR OWN ARCHITECTS OF THE TIME, SOME JUST WON’T SIMPLY ATTEMPT TO CONSTRUCT IT FOR US. YOU CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO DESIGN IT AND YET YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME TO PUT ME IN THIS WAVE OF CONFUSION. YOU’VE PUT ME IN A DARK PLACE, A CORNER OF THIS DARKNESS I PROMISED MYSELF NOT TO GO TO EVER AGAIN, BUT HERE I AM AND WHERE ARE YOU? I STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME WE MET, I DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF IT AS A DATE UNTIL NOW I WASN’T SURE IF IT WAS. I WASN’T SURE IF YOU WANTED TO MEET ME OUT OF FETISH OR BECAUSE OF THE BOOK I’VE ALWAYS LIKED TALKING ABOUT. A DINNER, A LOT OF VAGUE, GENERAL TRAVEL TALKS, THAT’S MOSTLY WHAT I REMEMBER. I’VE ALWAYS WAITED FOR YOU, ALWAYS PATIENT, AND PATIENCE WAS NEVER MY VIRTUE. WE STAYED ABOVE THE SURFACE, NEVER EVEN DIPPING OUR FOOT IN THAT DARK, OMINOUS POOL OF WATER. NEVER SOBER, NEVER TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING CLOSE TO THE DEEP END. WE WERE ALWAYS IN DIM-LIT ROOMS, NEVER FULLY DARK, THAT’S ONLY FOR SLEEPING YOU SAID. EACH MONDAY I WOKE UP CONFUSED. WATTS ONCE SAID, “CONFUSION COMES FROM NOT FOLLOWING YOUR FEELINGS TO THEIR DEPTHS” AND THAT’S WHY I’M ALWAYS LEFT WITH PIECES OF A PUZZLE THAT SEEMED LIKE THEY WERE FROM DIFFERENT PICTURES. YOU NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO SORT THE PUZZLES YOU KEPT GIVING ME BECAUSE YOU NEVER HAVE THE TIME OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT YOU TELL ME.
DO YOU DAR THROUGH WATERS W
RE TO SWIM THE DARK WITH ME?
I STILL TRY TO SMELL HIS SKIN ON MY PILLOWS AND SHEETS. I LAY MY HEAD CLOSE TO THE EDGE OF THE BED AND RECOUNTED THOSE NIGHTS WHEN HE SAID HE NEVER WANTED TO LEAVE. HE USED TO WRAP HIS ENTIRE BODY ON MINE AS IF CLINGING TO A TREE FOR HIS LIFE. I VOMITED BLOOD AND WINE ON THOSE SHEETS AND I NEVER WANTED TO WASH IT BECAUSE IT WOULD MEAN I’LL HAVE TO FORGET HIS SCENT, HIS SCENT WE CALLED “AFGHAN SPICE” HE GIGGLED WITH EXCITEMENT AND TOLD ME HE’S HEARD OF THAT PHRASE THREE TIMES THAT DAY BUT HOW I SAID IT WAS HIS FAVORITE. HE LAUGHED FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES UNTIL I TURNED HIS LAUGHTER INTO A MOAN AND A GROAN.
I REALLY WISH HE LEFT SOMETHING FOR ME I GAVE HIM MY BOOK THAT I WAS GOING TO READ WITH YOU I GAVE HIM THE PLAYLISTS THAT I THOUGHT I CAN LISTEN WITH YOU EVERYTHING THAT WAS MEANT FOR YOU I GAVE IT TO HIM NOT BECAUSE HE’S GOOD AT TAKING THINGS FROM ME AS YOU DO
HE GIGGLED WITH EXCITEMENT THAT NIGHT, HE ASKED ME BEFORE WE FELL ASLEEP AT ALMOST 7 IN THE MORNING, “IS THIS REAL?, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT I WOULD MEET YOU AT THAT PIZZA PLACE AND WE COULD TALK LIKE THIS FOR HOURS AND YOU WOULD LET ME COME TO YOUR PLACE AND GIVE ME COCONUT WATER?” WE SANG THE FIRST MINUTE OF BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY UNTIL WE TOLD EACH OTHER TO SHUT UP AND SLEEP
WOULD YOU S
STAY AFLOAT?
AFRAID OF AFRAID OF
THE DARK YOURSELF
WHERE’D YOU GO? I THOUGHT WE COULD LISTEN TO JOJI TOGETHER. I SHOUT YOUR NAME IN THE VOID, I WHISPER IT IN THE COLD MORNINGS AND IN MOMENTS OF EMPTINESS. HOPING TO FEEL YOUR TOUCH, THE BITES ON MY LOWER LIP, YOUR VOICE THAT SPOKE ALL THE PHILOSOPHICAL REFERENCES I CRAVE TO HEAR. HURT BUT GRATEFUL FOR THAT NIGHT I MET YOU IN THAT OLD AND BEAT UP COUCH AS WE BOTH ATE OUR VEGAN PIZZAS. THE RIDE TO OAKLAND WITH MY FRIENDS AS YOU TOLD THEM; “DON’T MIND US HERE IN THE FRONT, WE’RE GONNA BE TOO BUSY FALLING IN LOVE.”
FUCK
AND THERE YOU ARE, WITH A DRINK IN YOUR HAND, CALLING ME ALL KINDS OF THINGS, HOLDING OTHER PEOPLE’S HANDS AS I CLOSE MY EYES TO AVOID SEEING WHAT YOU DO WITH THEM AFTER WALKING THEM OUT OF THE ROOM, YOU PRETEND YOU’RE LOOKING FOR ME WHILE I GO OUT TO SCREAM MY LUNGS OUT OF IMPENDING JEALOUSY YOU KISSED ME, IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND YOU PULLED ME CLOSER TO TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME. I WONDERED WHAT’S REAL AS I SOBERED UP FROM THE ONE SHOT OF WHISKEY I PREVIOUSLY TOOK. HOW ABSOLUTELY ABSURD IT IS TO LOVE SOMEONE WHEN THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW THE PERSON AT ALL OR NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO EVEN GET TO KNOW THEM MORE... I THOUGHT TO MYSELF AS WE HELD HANDS AND KISSED.
MONDAY, I’M CONFUSED AS EVER.
WHERE’D YOU GO? I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO SEE ME. YOU SAID ALL THOSE BEAUTIFUL THINGS I NEVER THOUGHT I’D HEAR ANYONE SAY AND YET YOU’RE NOT HERE. “NOW I’M MAD AND I FEEL UNCLEAN CAUSE YOU MADE ME A BITTER FUCK, NOW I DON’T GIVE A FUCK BECAUSE OF YOU” SO TELL ME? WAS IT ALL TRUE? ARE YOU REAL? REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME YOU TOLD ME ABOUT INTIMACY, DO YOU STILL THINK ABOUT THAT? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS BUT YOU’RE NEVER THERE TO ANSWER.
“I DON’T WANNA WASTE MY TIME IF I CAN’T BE BY YOUR SIDE OR IF I CAN’T MAKE YOU DECIDE”
FUCK
THAT NIGHT I DECIDED I’M DONE BEING HARD ON MYSELF, GETTING HURT, BROKEN, AND BRUISED FOR THE ART. I CAME HOME COMFORTABLY CONFUSED AND COMFORTABLY LONELY, I DECIDED TO FINISH THE VINTAGE ALE I HAVE LEFT AND THE PRECIOUS BOURBON I’VE BEEN SAVING FOR SPECIAL NIGHTS.
A HALF-EATEN COOKIE, SEVERAL DRINKS TO KEEP ME WARM, I DECIDED THAT WAS MY DINNER.
THEN HE APPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE.
AND SO I WELCOMED REALITY AND FANTASY ONCE AGAIN EVEN THOUGH IT WAS STUPID TO DO SO, EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE THAN PROMISED DINNERS, PROMISED TIME, AND UNANSWERED MESSAGES HE CAME IN, HE SOMEHOW INVADED MY REALITY THAT NIGHT, THE REALITY THAT I CLOSED OFF BEARING SUSHI AND SAKE FOR US TO SHARE, HE BIT MY LOWER LIP ONCE AGAIN, HIS SCENT PERMEATED MY ENTIRE PLACE AND BEFORE I KNEW IT, WE WERE IN BED LAUGHING THE NIGHT AWAY, GIVING EACH OTHER THE SWEETEST OF KISSES WHAT A SILLY AND FOOLISH GIRL, SO EASILY SWEPT BY LITTLE GESTURES AND SWEET TALKS. SO EASY, SO EASILY LURED INTO A PLACE THAT SHE KNOWS WILL BREAK HER. SHE’S FOOLISH, SAD, AND MAYBE SHE NEVER REALLY LIKED HERSELF BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY LIKES HER. WHAT A STUPID FUCKED-UP GIRL ALWAYS TRYING TO SAVE THEM NEVER THINKING OF SAVING HERSELF.
ALWAYS CONVENIENT FOR THEM
SLO DANC IN T DA
OW CING THE RK ALL SHE EVER WANTED IS TO WEAR THE FLORAL SKIRT AND HER NEW SHIRT A DINNER, SOME FLOWERS PERHAPS, SHE WAS GOING TO BRING AN EXPENSIVE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE, AND SLOW DANCE IN THE DARK BUT NOTHING, THERE WAS NOTHING BECAUSE SHE IS NOTHING TO THEM
I’M NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK
UNLIKE YOU
NAMELESS, ALL THESE MEMORIES I WANT TO BOTH HOLD ON TO AND FORGET, ALL THE PAIN THAT COMES WITH IT. TO BE BROKEN, TO FALL INTO PIECES , TO STRUGGLE AND RECUPERATE FROM PAIN; SUCH IS BEING IN THE DARK.
SINCERELY YOURS, YOUR BITTER MONDAY MORNING FUCK
FEAR OF THE DARK A ZINE THAT DEPICTS THE COMPLEXITY OF OUR INNER SELF. A COMPARISON OF REALITY AND FANTASY, FACT AND FICTION, SERENDIPITIES AND ABERRATIONS. A TRUE STORY OR DRUNKEN THOUGHTS? YOU’LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU’RE R OR Z. A SERIES OF FRAGMENTS AND LOOSELY CONNECTED VIGNETTES. VIVID, DARK, AND VAGUE. WHY DID I DESERVE THIS? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO GET HURT TERRIBLY, TO SLOWLY BURN IN MY OWN MISERY, OR IS IT MISERY THAT THEY CAUSED ME?
CHARMAINE ESMERALDA WITH ESTHER RHIE
