Aletterfromthedeskoftheeditor:
Welcomehome!Oratleastthat’swhatitfeelsliketoreturntoVinylTapformyfourth andfinalyear,thistimeaseditor-in-chief.VinylTapwasoneofthefirstplacesatWilliam&Mary thatreallyfeltlikeahometome,andIamhonoredtobeabletohelpothersfindtheirwaytoward ittoo.Beingacollegestudenthasmeantalotofmovingaround–first,theinitialon-campusmove to my freshman dorm, then again each year. Four years of packing my life into cardboard boxes and then unpacking them all over again, carefully preserving the same desk knick-knacks and printer paper posters to be retaped onto another set of dorm room walls. It’s a strange feeling, livinginaplacethatismeanttobeareststopratherthanaplaceofrest,butithasbeenthrough creatingcommunitieslikeVinylTapthatsharepassionanddedicationthatIhavefoundthemost fulfillingpartofmycollegeexperience.
Thissemester,VinylTapasks:Whatmakesahouseahome?Howdoyouturnfourwalls and four years into a lifetime of fond memories and friendships? What role do art and music play in turning a physical space into something ineffable? Through excellent prose, poetry, and analysis, we attempt to make sense of that spark of soul which transforms a house into a home. InthesepagesyouwillfindadeepdiveanalysisofBonIver’sdebuttriumphForEmma,Forever Ago, and two lovely memoir pieces on the role of music in developing a sense of home, from a folk-rockchildhoodintheColoradosuburbstothepunksceneoftheCaliforniacoasttomaking yourownplaylistsintheVirginiatidewater.Youwillreadthestoryofadissolvingfriendshipset againstagrandandsturdyhouse,apoemonthequietintimacyofmakingahomeoutofthefirst apartmentwithapartner,andareflectiononaCrosby,Stills,Nash,andYoungclassicanditscall tobuildyourselfanewlife,evenatthecostoftheoldone.Youwillseesomeofthemostbeautiful artthathasbeenincludedinanissueofthispublicationandphotographsthatbelonginthemost cherishedfamilyphotoalbums.And,ofcourse,collaborativecollagesandrecentalbumreviews, includingourtraditionalhaikureviews.You,dearreader,areinforatreat.
Publishingthismagazinewouldnotbepossiblewithouttheexecteam,whoputinextra time and energy each week to run meetings and wrangle team members. Thank you to Amelia, who I couldn’t do this (or much of anything) without; to Catherine, who has been there every stepoftheway;toEvelyn,whodoessomuchbutlovesthismagazinetoomuchtostop;toMadeleine,whosecreativityandcompassionisawe-inspiring;toRheinaandSrinidhi,whonevercease toamazeme;toSarah,whobreatheslifeintoeverythingshetouches;andtoSophia,whoisgonna ruletheworldsomeday(andIcan’twaittowatch).I’dalsoliketothankalltheamazingcontributorswhoseworksmakeupthesepages.Toeachtalentedwriterandartist,toeveryphotographer whoshothousesfullofexcitedcollegekids,toeverymodelwhoparticipated,andtoeverydesignerwhoputinlate-nighthourstomakethisissuelooksobeautiful:thisisforyou.Youmakethis houseahome.I’msoproudtobeabletoshareitwithyou.
Welcome,onceagain,toVinylTapMagazine!Makeyourselfathome.
NatalieLopez,Editor-In-Chief
MyHomeWas OnceYours
bySrinidhiLakshminarayanan
artbyMadeleineBabcock
WasthephotographofLadyalwayssocrooked?Suddenly itseemedherhandswerenotherhands,theyweretoo slenderandalmostlookedlikethey’dbeencaressedby another.Thatis,theylookedtouchedandmisshapenin thewrongplaces.
Annehadoncebeentoldshepossessedthe untethered,nakedtendernessofachildlesswoman. Thoughprofoundlyinsultedbythis,sheironically (andsecretly!)foundthistobetruewhenevershewas withLady.However,whereAnnehadgentlymarked herthumbseemednowbruised.Itwasalways indented,evenslightlypink,butnowthat indentseemedmoreapitoflust.Andthat couldnothavebeenAnne’sdoing!Themore shelookedatthisphotographthemoreshefelt thismounting,terribleunease,adiscomfort notunlikenauseatrappedinthethroat.It isdullatfirst,butoneiswildlyawarethat itisonlyminutestohoursbeforethebody isconsumedbyit,andthenthereisno controllingwhatleaves.
Annethenfeltan overwhelmingurge toinspectherwalls asithadbeenjusta yearsincetheywere paintedandsheliked
reflectthemoistnessoftheirbirthand creation.(Theystillhadnotdried,buteven thatwasrelaxingtoher.)Butitwasodd —thewhitenessthatshehadloved wasnowconstrictive,anditfelt morefunerarybythesecond.She suddenlyfeltlikeshecouldnot breatheunlesssheherselfwasin acasket,becausethenatleast thespacesheinhabitedwould makesense.
Howlonghaditbeensince Ladyvisited?Shesurelywould havetoldherifsomethinglooked off.Twodoorsaway,menswearanddrink beertoWesMongomery,andAnnecanhear itbutnotjoin.
Itwastwoyearsaftertheymetwhen AnnefirsttookLadytoseethe apartment.Annewasmortifiedby thestateofit,somuchsothatitalmost broughthertotears.Ladywasalways perfectlypristineandneat,andthough herhomewassmall,itwashandsomely decorated.Anne’sapartmentwassituated rightinthecenterofBergenAvenue, arguablytheworstpartoftown.The
Anneremembereditlikeitwasyesterday, seeingLadyforthefirsttime.Itwas1994, justtwomilesfromnorthernPaterson, wherecigarsmokecurvedveeringly upthenosesofwhite,middle-class childrenandtheairstunklikeitdid whenherfacewasslimandshe’d kissmenliketheywerewomen. Anyway,Anneknewitatfirst sight–Lady’smovement,eyes, andgutturalStatenaccent recalledthetesty,obstinateair ofabornandbredPaterson lady—areal,trueurban woman.Itwasonlynaturalthat Anneinvitedherselftoherhome,andarm inarmtheywalkedtheirway.
Lady’sflatwasincredible.Herwallswere paintedyellow!Likeanamateurhaddone it!Maybeherchildrenhadhelped,but thatservedonlytomakeitmorebeautiful andinnocent.WasitCarlaBleyplayingin theback?OrwasitDavis?Itwasnowso hardtoremember.Onethingwascertain–itwasneversilentinherhome.Musicthat wasbrash,somber,orevenelegantwould alwayspunctuatetheirconversations,and astheywoulddrinktomensingingof retiredlove,Annefeltinebriatedwith joy.Itwasthisdaytheytookthe photograph.
Sprawledonthefloorwasaone-hundredpiecepuzzle.Theywouldspeakofthe singersonlytheylistenedtoandthenAnne
1.scentedcandles
2.metalscissors
3.bracelet
4.ipodwith forlornsongs
5.puzzlepieces
wouldwhisperthatthetenantsofherbuilding donotlethersing.ThenLadywouldsmileand tellAnneshecouldsingasloudasshe’dlikeas longassheishere.Thentheyspokeofeverything wrongwithPaterson,actingself-congratulatory aboutthedecreaseincrimeasifitwastheirdoing. Theyreveledinthefactthattheybothcouldbeas horriblyself-referentialastheywanted,andthen Ladywouldfallasleeptothesoundofrain,andit wassoquiet,almostdocilelikeitknewthewoman waswatchingitanditwishedtoperform.Anne humsAnticipationquietly.
Itwasstrange–evenwhentheyargued,itwasclear thattheirwordswouldbarreloffofoneanother likehowascrapermeetsatongue;adull,fixed sensation–therewasnoamountoftalkingor cleaningtheycouldn’tdothatwouldn’thelpfixit.
Whatisthatknocking?Anneasks.Whatisthat knocking?Ishehome?Ladysimplysmilesandtells hernottoworryaboutit.Herhandissosofton
6.trinkets
7.encasedbug thingsandaring
8.marbles
9.candlesticks
10.rusteddice
11.playingcards
12.handmirrors
13.souvenirmug
14.anoldwatch 7.
Anne’sshoulder.Annewishestheycouldstaylike thisforever,andthenshewonderswhyshealways needstoreturnhome.
InAnne’skitchen,agrandclocktickssolemnly,and itservesonlyasareminderthatitistimeforAnne togotoLady’shome!Annewillgotheretoday,and thenshewillknowthatshewasbeingsillyabout thephotograph.
Walkingthere,Annelooksthroughacarwindow. Shehadsleptfine—-whydidshelooksotired? Herskinlooksmorbidandwhite;almostsewn together.Abitofsnowfallsonhertongue.Wasit notjustSeptember?Hadthesunrisenbymistake? AchildlaughsandthenrunswhenAnneturns, butshehardlytakesnotice.Allofthiswillbe explainedwhensheseesLady.Thehomelooks likeitdidyesterday,andthenAnneknocks.And thensheknocksagain,andthereisnoanswer,and shedecidesthatmaybeLadyisjustnothome,but hasn’titbeenmanyyearssinceshewas?
LayoutbyEvelynHall
Doyoueverwanttorunaway?Takeoffandneverlookback?Here’sastoryaboutamanwhod riencedprolificpain;hadagamblingaddiction,gotkickedoutofhisband,wasdumpedbyhislong-timegirlfriend, andwasafflictedwithmononucleosisandaliverinfection.HedecidedtofleetoadesertedcabininEauClaire, Wisconsin.Fromthecoldburrowsofthecabin,behindthefrostedwindowsoverlookingthegreatbeyond,Justin Vernon,famouslyknownasBonIver,createdhisdebutalbumthatcapturedhisisolationandtorment.ForEmma, ForeverAgo,becameapinnaclefortheindiefolkgenre,inspiringmanyartists.ThealbumlaunchedVernon’scareer andbecamebelovedbymillionsoflistenerseven16yearsafteritsrelease.ForEmmaisoftenregardedasoneofthe bestbreak-upalbums,whichwasnotVernon’sintention.InanarticlefromTheNewYorker,Vernonstates “Emma isn’taperson...Emmaisaplacethatyougetstuckin.Emma’sapainthatyoucan’terase.”Thisalbumtranscends thepainofheartbreakanddelvesintothisideaofEmma;Emmaisnotdefined,it’sloose,elusive.ForEmmatakesthe listenersonajourneyofrunningaway,beingisolated,andlearninghowtocomebackhome.Eventhoughthealbum hasanabysmalfolkfeel,it’sacelebrationoffindingyourwaybackhome.It’sananti-isolationalbum,tellingastory abouthowproblemsarenotfixedbyrunningaway,asthisconceptofEmmafollows.Ihavedesignatedmyselfwith themissionofanalyzingthe9tracksonthealbumtodiscover:whatisEmma?
“Flume”isthefirsttrackasitwelcomeslistenersintotheeeriecantedatmosphereofthealbum.Vernon visualizesthesongas“(an)attempttobuildoddlandscapesthatyoucouldexistinthathasweirdfeelingsbutalso cool-soundingwords.”It’sasongaboutheartbreakandpain,andhowhe’stryingtostopthehurting.“Onlyloveis allmaroon,”repeatsinthehauntingchorus;maroon,likethecolorofblood,isalsoaverbmeaning“toabandonor isolate.”ToVernon,allloveispainfulandbringsforthisolation–toloveistobewounded.He’slookingforasenseof recovery,throughtheinnatesenseofcomfortfromamother.Inthelyric,“skyiswomb,sheisthemoon,”helooksup tohismotherforsolace,yethisex-loverstillglowsdownonhim.Nomatterhowmuchcomforthegets,allhispain stilllingers.Forhim,beingathomemeansbeingstuckinhismisery.Theinstrumentalbreakworksasabridgewith theinstrumentsattemptingtoharmonizewitheachother.Alltryingtoplaythesamesong,butdetached,atdifferent tempos,unsureofwhentobeginorend.“Flume”isachaoticsymphonythatreflectsthewarofhisemotions,setting thetoneforthealbumwithitsechoeymelodyanddrearylyrics.Inthissong,Emmaisthedrivingpainthatleaves youinanguishevenwheninaplaceofcomfort.
If“Flume”istheexpositionintoVernon’sisolation,“LumpSum”isthestartofthe adventure.Openingwithacathedral-esquechoirasitbreaksintoanacousticmelody, thelyricsstartwithalistofthethingsVernonsold.Acoldknot,aheavystone,anda redhorse.Heisgettingridofthethingsthatremindhimofthepast.Hetriestogetrid ofhispain,thecoldknot,thathasbeenweighinghimdown.Theheavystonerelates toadiamondring,asymbolofcommitmentthatdidnotlast.Hisredhorse,acar,for a“venturehome”whichisaget-awayplace.He’stryingtooutrunhispainbyretreatingintothiscabinofisolation,thinkingleavinghomewillsolvehisproblems.“Lump Sum”ismoreofanupbeatsongcomparedto“Flume,”showinghisoptimism.“Balance wewon’tknow,wewillseewhenitgetswarm”ishimwaitingforthingstogetbetter. Hehasalreadymovedawayfromallhehasknown,whereallofhisproblemslay,butis nowanticipatingthegoodtocomeandfreehimintothisnewlifeofstaunchisolation. Emmaisthereasonforrunningaway.
“SkinnyLove”isthemostpopularsongoffthealbum.It’sapleafortherelationship tosurviveeventhoughthere’snothinglefttofix.It’snotabouttheirrelationship,but rathereverythingelseinVernon’slifefallingapart,hewantstofindsecurityinhis relationship;it’sthelastthinghecanrelyon.It’sadesireforthingstostaythesame.In thechorus,hestates“Itoldyoutobepatient/tobefine/tobebalanced/tobekind.” It’sallthingsheistryingtotellhislover,apleatodowhatheasksoftheminorder fortherelationshiptosurvive.Intheoutro,heasksthequestionforhisloverbutalso himself,“Whowillloveyou/whowillfight/whowillfallfarbehind?”Withouteach otherwhowillbetheretoprovidecomfortfortheother?Hesingswithashakyrasp andfalsettoinawaythatemphasizeshisbegging.Ithurtsashepleadsforachanceto makethiswork.Emmaisthethingsyouregret,fight,lose,andlongfor--evenonce you’refaraway.
“TheWolves(ActIandII)”isasongaboutregrets.Regrettingtheisolationhe’sinand howhisrelationshipended.Thesong’sautotuneandlayersofvocalsshowcaseVernon’s achingvoice.Thesongisisolated–onlychordsandpercussivestrummingonhisguitar. Itopenswithabitter“Somedaymypainwillmarkyou,”showingheisinturmoil. Hewantshisex-lovertosharehispain,atleastthenheisnotsufferingalone.Inthe secondverse,hestates“Solacemygame,itstarsyou.”Heisinaplaceofsolitudeyet sheistheonlythingthatexistsforhim.Inthebridge,hereflectsinalessthangentle, andratherchaoticbitterturbulenceof“Whatmighthavebeenlost.”Hischoiceshaunt him,leavingdidnotfixhispainashestillfeelsbrokenandlost.Herepeatsthesame question,yetheneverreceivesanyanswers.Itisfollowedbyhimsaying“Don’tbother me,” askingforalltheweightofhismemoriestostoploomingoverhim.Heisdistant fromitphysically,butnotmentallyasitstillfollows.Emmaisthefeelingsthatwon’t–can’t–leave.
“Blindside”isanattemptatreconcilingwiththeideaofsociety.Hetriestobecome somethingmorethanhisone-manisland.Inthissong,heaccountshisattemptsto breakintoanabandonedbuilding.He’sdoingitforthethrill,theenjoymentofthe memory.Thesongprovidesimageryofhimbikingtothebuilding,sneakilytryingto enter.Itisabandonedjustlikehiminternally.He’stryingtofindanewspaceinthe midstofhisisolation,buthe’sataloss.Hestatesthisisnotofhisusualcharacter,he’s doingitforthesakeoffindingsomethingmorethanhim.Theline“Fortheagony,I’d ratherknow” ishimreflectingonhismelancholythat’seasiertosulkinthantotry changing.Theline“Wouldyoureallyrushout(formenow)?”ishimthinkingabout hishome,hisfamily,friends,ex.He’srethinkingitallandwonderingiftheystillcare abouthimeventhoughheranaway.Thesongendswith“Iwasblindsided,”whichrepresentsthisawarenessofhisemotions,realizinghishastyactionsoffleeinginpainwere outofimpulse.Hecannotsurvivehealthilyinthisisolationandneedsasenseofhome inpeopleandplacesotherthanhimselfandhiscabin.Emmaisthegoodfromthepast thatcallsyouback.
“CreatureFear”simmerswithambienceinitsbrevity.TheversesarestrippeddownwithvocalsandguitarasVernonsingsmemoriesfromhispastrelationship.Hefeltsoenamoredinthemoment,butheislookingback,realizing there’smorethatexistsforhimbeyondthatrelationship.Thechoruspicksupthepacewiththisideaofhisfuture; it’swide,bright,andlimitless.Itisthiscreatureoffearthatawaitshim.He’sscaredbutwelcomestheinevitablefuture,filledwithopportunitiesofgood,bad,andgrowth.Hedoesn’thavetorunawaytoexperienceabetterfuture. Emmaisthebadyouletgooftoacceptthenew.
“Team”isaninstrumental,bridging“CreatureFear”to“ForEmma”illustratingthisepiphanyofhowhisthinking changes.Itlosestheacousticguitar,inexchangeforadrumandelectricguitar;nolongereeriequietstrums,but proudbrashones,makingitspresence heard.JustlikethelessonVernonhasrealized.Heneverhadtorunawaytoheal.It wasinternal,hehadtochangehimself.His homewasthereforsupport,fulloffamily andfriends.Hehasreachedthefinalstage ofhisgrief.Henowisonamission:togo backhome.Emmaisallthatyou’velearned howtohealfrom.
“ForEmma”hastheaccompanimentby twomusicians,JohnDeHavenandRandy Pingrey,showingthemetaphoricaland physicalbreakfromtheisolationperiod. ThisisVernon’sacceptancebackinto reclaiminghissenseofcommunityandhis ideaofhome.Herepeats“runninghome” paradinghowhe’snolongerfleeing,but comingbacktowhathehasbeenmissing.Thetrumpetsaddawistfultune,of optimismandgoodfortune.Inthesecond halfofthesong,hetalkstothisEmma,the painthatbroughthimintothisseparate, unnamedvoid.Hetellsitto“gofindanotherlovertostringalong.”Heisnolonger goingtolingerinhisdepressiveisolation, hewon’tbeavictimofit.Itfollowswith, “Withallyourlies,you’restillverylovable.”Theideaofrunningawaytoacabin toforgetallofyourpainsissoidealbutit’s nothelpfulorhealthy;it’sfutile.Hegoes onwith,“Itouredthelight/somanyforeignroads,”searchingtofindsomethingto replacethepainanditledhimfartheraway fromwhereheneededtobe.Thelastlineis thetitleofthealbum:“ForEmma,forever ago.”He’sdistantfromwhenithappened butitisstillwithinhim.HecarriedEmma withhimwhereverhewent,helearned fromit.Evennowwithhimhealed,coming backfromhisgrief,hehaslearnedtoletgo ofthepastandthankitfortheadventure itallowedhimtoundertake.Emmaishow youmoveforward.
“Re:Stacks”istheclosingtrack,reflectingonthehero’sjourneyofVernon.It’scalm,withVernon’ssombervocaland guitarasthestacksaredepictedastheburdensthatweighedhimdown.The“Re:”likeinanemail,forregarding, ishimreevaluatinghislifeandallthestackshefaced.Thechorusisaplayofwordsmixedwitharundownofhis process.“Onyourbackwiththeracksasthestacksofyourload,”isabouthowhefirstfelt,stuck-on-his-backtype ofhelplesswithstacksjustkeepgettingaddedtohislife,withnoviablewayout.Thechorusendswith,“Intheback withtheracksandyou’reunstackingyourload,”whichishimcomingtoapointwhereheismovingonandthepain isbeingreleased.Verse3depictsVernoncomingbacktoanabandonedhome,theonethathelefttorunawaywhere “Thefountaininthefrontyardisrustedout/allmylovewasdowninafrozenground.”Herealizesbyfleeing,he didnothealhisheartbutfrozeit,nottrulyfixinganything.Hestrikesthelistenerswiththequestion“Whatever coulditbethathasbroughtmetothisloss?”This questionisrhetoricalbuthehasbeenlookingfor answersthroughoutthewholealbum.Inthefinal verse“Thisisnotthesoundofanewman/orcrispy realization/itsthesoundoftheunlockingandthe liftaway,”heisnotadifferentmanthanhewasbefore.Heisreleasingallthegriefthatheldhimdown. Henowisbackinaplaceofcomfort,wherehurtcan nolongerlinger.Thesongendswith“Yourlovewill besafewithme,”whereheisnotlookingforaway backintotherelationship,asitwastoolongago,but hewillcarryitwithhim.Hewillcarryontoo.He understandsthingswillneverbethesamebuthe’s willingtomoveon.Asomberacknowledgmentof thepastandabittersweetarrivaloftheforthcoming future.Emmaisnotforever.
Thisalbumproducedsomanydifferent,yetwarranted,theoriesaboutthemeaning.Vernonmadethe lyricsintentionallyvagueandmetaphoricalsoeach listenercanrelatethistotheirownEmma.Butwhat isEmma?Itchangesfromsongtosongthroughout theentirealbum.Ilikewhenthingsgivemeanswers andForEmma,ForeverAgodoesn’t.Itneverwill. Nomatterhowmanytimesyoulisten.It’snota formula,instructional,orhow-to;it’sanantidote.It doesn’ttellyouhowtoheal,itdoesn’ttellyouwhere togo.Itjustensuresyouthatitwillgetbetter,the winterwillmeltandhomenevergoesaway.Ithink manyofusareinsimilarplacesasVernon;wearen’t fleeingtoanisolatedcabin,butrunningawayfrom thepainthathauntsbyescapingfromeverythingin totality.Itfollows,makingyouplaguedbyit.Home istheonlyplacethatprovidescomfort.That’sthe bittersweetjoyaboutheartacheandpain–it’snever somethingthatleavesyou,youjustbecomebigger thanit.Itwon’thappenovernight.Youwon’tfeelit untilyourealizeonedayyou’rechanged.Thepain wasenduring,butlikeEmma,itwasforeverago. Home,however,ispermanent.Italwaysactsasa lighthouse,theretogreetyou;totellyouyouwere missedandyouarelovedforever.
LayoutbyChichiLuandEmilyGarloff
