How To Love Us

By: Nicole Lockhart

My favorite movie sex scene was in Something New. Sanaa Lathan, a successful black woman with a new home, falls for her contractor played by Simon Baker after denying him on a blind date because he’s white. With “Seconds of Pleasure” serenading their glorious bodies intertwined, my teen eyes watched with jaw to the ground thinking “Oooh she done, done it now!” Comedian Tracey Ashley got some great wedding advice for her and her newlywed husband. “Whenever the two of you fight don’t ever make it about race.” The comedian jokes about storming out of their apartment and coming back to a “White’s Only” sign on the bathroom. While interacial marriages have only been legalized in America for 57 years (Loving V. Virginia) as I pen, there remains a unique dynamic for the couple in contemporary society. If you are the partner of a BIPOC, here is a list of ways you can make your significant other feel loved.

1. They are close to their family

Even if they tell you troubled things about them or the family structure looks a little different than yours (ie. they call their grandma “Mom” because that’s who raised them)--know that it is a family built on love. To love them is to love their family. And as their partner it’s important that you make every effort to get to know them and build your own relationships with every (you read what I said) one of them. Otherwise you will not win your partner’s affection. In the back of your partner’s mind is what their mama said about you after you left the room. You’re a stranger until they all get to know you and see how the two of you interact, not until you meet them.

2. Don’t Use Her Shampoo

For heterosexual couples and relationships with Trans womxn, please apply. This is an exercise of privilege that you as a non-POC have. Shampoos & Conditioners for black hair in particular are expensive and have to be bought by the ½ gallon sometimes in order to last through several washes. The chemical structures in regular shampoo will kill your partner’s hair, leaving you with a bald or crispy headed looking lover. Just use a bar of soap, a privilege they do not have. Or better yet, bring your own toiletries to leave at their place.

3. Don’t Eat Our Food.

When at a restaurant, keep your hands and fork on your plate until invited to try something. And definitely don’t take any without asking. You will lose a hand or at very least get stabbed. This goes for interactions with families, see No. 1. There’s a saying in the black community “If you wanted this, you should’ve ordered it.” If we’re sharing everything, then cool we’re sharing. But if it’s on my plate, it’s going in my mouth.

4. Let Them Pick the Movie or TV Show

There is a whole world of shows you probably haven’t seen or even heard of. Let your lover pick some movies or your next Netflix binge. You might like Queen Sugar, or at very least learn about interactions between people of other races amongst each other. Some of the shows are probably not as interesting as Game of Thrones and they may be sappy or soapy, but this is a great way to broaden your horizons to include a new worldview.

5. Listen to the Holiday Rules

Reference rules 1 & 3. Also know that you will stay their “Lil Friend” until you get married. Sometimes even for the first few years of marriage. That’s your name now so answer to it. It’s a badge of honor.

6. Ask Her About Personal Stories of Racism

Today’s world is forever polarized by the death of George Floyd, but understand that this has been a wound for BIPOCs for as long as we’ve had consciousness in America. It follows us everywhere and in every sphere of our life. It hurts like nothing you can ever explain… but let your partner try. With you they should feel safe enough to expose those mean and painful happenings. They make your partner strong AF. You don’t have to apologize. You can’t fix it. But you can support them by holding space. The distinction is in how you show up and remind them that they are more than enough--especially because the world has always seen them otherwise.

7. Use Your Privilege to Defend Them

This may look different depending on who your partner is, but the overwhelming feeling for most BIPOCs is summed up in one word: Tired. We’ve fought for ourselves for so long that it would be the biggest relief to just have someone who doesn’t have to try so hard, push for us. And additionally, make sure they’re not tap dancing extra when they come home to you from the world that’s worn them ragged all day.

8. Say Something about BLM

I don’t care what your allyship looks like but it has to be stated that silence is not the response that’s going to get you laid. In all seriousness, it is too much to

stomach your accidental micro-aggressions and your complicit behavior too. If your uncle makes weird comments, don’t just not bring your partner around them--say something to his face (or facebook). Do not let it be said that you did not have the time to make your voice loud in disagreement. See rule 7. Allyship has taken many forms, financial contributions, protesting, supporting BOBs, etc. Just make sure your lover knows you’re in the fight with them and for them.

9. Make Love to Them in Their Headscarf or Durag

If your partner has a bonnet on and is ready for bed or a chilling with thier durag on playing video games... this is a golden ticket. Just trust me. Any other time our protective hair wraps are off, please respect the crown. Our hair was not meant to have fingers run through it. A gentle pull will do.

10. Be Their Loudest Champion

See rule 7 and 8. I don’t care if they want to go back to school, change careers, build a bird sanctuary, or move to Timbuktu. Whatever it is they want to do, they should have your support and not your criticism. Love liberates, it does not dictate. You have a real queen or king on your hands and they deserve to be told that as often and in as many ways as possible. Shine a light on your diamond beauty and watch their brilliance shine before the world. In return, you will get the best cheerleader, partner, friend, lover you have ever had.

11. Learn from Your Efforts

If anything ever pops up between you like a racial comment or harmless joke, take the time to learn from the microaggression. It’s inevitable and even though you “have plenty of black friends” or have “dated a black girl before”, that something will come out a little sideways. We hope you mean well when comparing your sun tan (which is a privilege) to our skin color; but when we correct your comments, take it gracefully. We didn’t “make it about race” you did.

12. Tell Your Peoples

Don’t assume we can walk into your family beach house, go as your date to a function, or attend your office holiday party without them being alerted. We know a phoney “Oh, Nice to meet you!” when we see it. If they don’t know you’re dating a POC, please prep them with a photo of us first. Note: you do not have to say “By the way, my partner is Black” especially if you’re not close to the person and it is a professional setting we will be attending. Your being there with them proudly does a lot on it’s own. But nobody wants to feel like a surprise or an awkward conversation you’ll be having later when we’re not around.

13. Talk Children Ahead of Time

If having a family is important to you, this is a big one. No one can prepare you for

parenting, but building a family of blended races requires some forethought and conversation that most homogeneous relationships can avoid. There will be some surprises in comparing the way you were raised. See these as opportunities to create a family that is not only unique but unified.

14. Exampleship Takes Work

Know that your relationship will in some ways serve as an example for others. It may bring up bigatries they didn’t know they had. It may isolate certain friends or family members you love and respect. You may have to put a stranger in their place. But with all that being said, do the work. Let love, and not your skin, be the example that people want to follow. People might be so inspired by how you love one another that they forget what race was in the first place.

15. Basically be Alexis Ohanian

That part.