How To Love Us By: Nicole Lockhart
My favorite movie sex scene was in Something New. Sanaa Lathan, a successful black woman with a new home, falls for her contractor played by Simon Baker after denying him on a blind date because he’s white. With “Seconds of Pleasure” serenading their glorious bodies intertwined, my teen eyes watched with jaw to the ground thinking “Oooh she done, done it now!” Comedian Tracey Ashley got some great wedding advice for her and her newlywed husband. “Whenever the two of you fight don’t ever make it about race.” The comedian jokes about storming out of their apartment and coming back to a “White’s Only” sign on the bathroom. While interacial marriages have only been legalized in America for 57 years (Loving V. Virginia) as I pen, there remains a unique dynamic for the couple in contemporary society. If you are the partner of a BIPOC, here is a list of ways you can make your significant other feel loved. 1. They are close to their family Even if they tell you troubled things about them or the family structure looks a little different than yours (ie. they call their grandma “Mom” because that’s who raised them)--know that it is a family built on love. To love them is to love their family. And as their partner it’s important that you make every effort to get to know them and build your own relationships with every (you read what I said) one of them. Otherwise you will not win your partner’s affection. In the back of your partner’s mind is what their mama said about you after you left the room. You’re a stranger until they all get to know you and see how the two of you interact, not until you meet them. 2. Don’t Use Her Shampoo For heterosexual couples and relationships with Trans womxn, please apply. This is an exercise of privilege that you as a non-POC have. Shampoos & Conditioners for black hair in particular are expensive and have to be bought by the ½ gallon sometimes in order to last through several washes. The chemical structures in regular shampoo will kill your partner’s hair, leaving you with a bald or crispy headed looking lover. Just use a bar of soap, a privilege they do not have. Or better yet, bring your own toiletries to leave at their place. 12
