Issue 132

winner: best student publication on a small budget

yorkVision

/ NUS NATIONAL STUDENT JOURNALISM AWARDS 2001

runner up: website of the year

TheGuardian

Student Media Awards 2001

THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER WWW.YORKVISION.CO.UK 7th November 2001 Issue 132

WINE & NIBBLES

JOHN GROGAN

The SFA

A new section. Vision brings helpful tips to the noncooking masses

Your MP writes his first column exclusively for Vision

Super Furry Animals tell us of the killer in their audience

Food and Drink

Comment

Music

Club Night Death - First year knocked down on way home from Ikon - Cab firm denies responsibility for ‘friendly and outgoing’ student’s tragic death Tim Dean & Sam Macrory THE UNIVERSITY was in a state of shock last week after a Goodricke first year was knocked down and killed in a tragic road accident following a night out at Ikon and Diva.

Zeke Hindmarsh, a PPE student, has been reported to have been walking along York’s outer ring road after leaving his taxi on route to the University, when he was hit by a Land Rover Discovery travelling towards Clifton Moor.

The driver of the Land Rover got out of his vehicle to help the student and was then in dramatic circumstances knocked down himself by a taxi travelling in the opposite direction.

Both Hindmarsh and the other injured man were taken to York District Hospital where Hindmarsh later died of his injuries.

The other man suffered head injuries but was later released from hospital.

After enjoying a night out with his friends, Hindmarsh had allegedly been asked to leave the taxi he was travelling in after the driver expressed concern at his apparently intoxicated state. Hindmarsh was walking in the middle of the road when he was struck, according to police reports.

However, according to a conflicting

yorkVision York Vision is now officially the nation’s ‘Best Student Publication on a Small Budget’ after picking up the award at the recent NUS / Independent National Student Journalism Awards. We were also awarded runner-up for Website of the Year at the Guardian Student Media Awards. Both accolades reflect the hardwork and dedication of the team over the last year, particularly because these are the first awards Vision has won in its sixteen year history. We would like to thank everyone who has contributed to the paper over the last year, to Nouse for being such great competition and to the SU for our small budget. Especial thanks to you the readers! It’s all downhill from here.

report, Hindmarsh had walked home from the club and had not taken a taxi at all.

Castle Cabs of York, speaking to Vision, stated: “One of our cabs was flagged down on the road from Ikon in order to avoid the accident. A young man had been hit by a car travelling in the opposite direction and we asked if we could help in any way.”

Castle Cabs maintain that thier policy is to pick up any one who requests a cab “Unless they are paralytically drunk when we arrive to pick them up. Our job, having picked up our passengers, is to take them to the destination they asked to be dropped at.”

Police are appealing for witnesses who were travelling along the A1237 at that time to come forward and assist them with their enquiries.

Hindmarsh was already well known on campus despite the fact that his time at York has been so tragically cut short. He initially failed to settle in at Goodricke and after a number of incidents was relocated to Langwith College. His time at York was eventful and ended with him receiving a suspended expulsion from the University.

The SU President, Ffion Evans, expressed her sorrow at his death. “It is always tragic when any student dies at York and I would like to offer my sympathies to his family and all who knew him. This is incredibly sad news for all.”

Tom Connor, Goodricke JCR Chair conveyed similar sentiments. “As a college we are all obviously really sad that such a tragic accident like this had to happen.”

Paul Garvey, who was Zeke’s STYC contact spoke of him as a friendly and outgoing young man. “He was very well-mannered and seemed to be very excited to have arrived at York.”

Jenna Khalfan, the SU Education and Welfare Officer, has acknowledged that “We can’t tell people not to drink but students should be careful and do everything in moderation. It is always so incredibly sad when somebody young dies and this incident really brings it home. There has been a lot of shock on campus because they either knew him or have been to Ikon and Diva themselves”, she continued.

Students who have been distressed by the shocking news of Zeke Hindmarsh’s death can call the Counselling Service on telephone extension 2140 or Nightline on 3721 or 3735.

Alternatively they can contact the University Support Services including College Provosts and their welfare teams, or the Students’ Union.

Hindmarsh’s funeral took place in Christ Church, Brompton Bierlow, near Rotherham, on Tuesday the 6th November. The University provided a coach from the campus for any his friends who wanted to attend.

Additional material by Tom Hazeldine

Photo: Sam Dudin

Sports Pavillion in arson attack The old Sports Pavillion, home to many former York sporting glories, is now merely a burnt out shell after two gas canisters exploded inside the building under suspicious circumstances. York Fire Brigade came to the rescue after being alerted after passers-by heard the explosion. For the second time in the same week the pavillion was subject to an arson attack. York Fire Station believe that the first fire was caused by local children with matches while the second fire was indisputably intentional. Ninety percent of the building has been destroyed despite the effort of three fire engines who came quickly to the scene.

COMMENT 6 POLITICS 9 LIFESTYLE 12 FEATURES 14 FILMS 20 WIRED 22 MUSIC 25 MEDIA 29 ARTS 30 BOOKS 32 FOOD & DRINK 33 SPORT 34

2 : NEWS yorkVision November 7th 2001

News in Brief

YOUDAN IN PAY SUSPENSION Ben Youdan, last year’s SU President has had his final pay cheque from the University withheld until he complies with the final task his job entails. It is the outgoing President’s duty to write a summary of their previous year in office which their succesor can then recite to the University dignitaries. Youdan however, has yet to fulfill this duty, leaving this year’s President, Ffion Evans in limbo. He will not recieve his pay until he has presented the report, and the threat of legal action has been mooted.

BIOINCUBATOR PROJECT BEGINS IN YORK Pioneering biotech entrepreneur Professor Sir Chris Evans launched York’s Bioincubator last month. The Bioincubator will offer dedicated laboratory facilities for emerging biotechnology businesses. Based on York Science Park on the University of York Campus, the new Bioincubator is an exceptional opportunity for bioscience businesses to locate at the heart of the University’s world class scientfic and technological expertise

WEB WEAVING Studying at an e-University is about to become a reality with the launch of a masters course in Public Policy and Management, as York works with its partners in the World Wide Univeristies Network. Students from across the globe will access learning materials developed and delivered by tutors in this new world wide graduate school. York will act as a ‘host’ institution for the course on Public Policy.

DAZED AND CONFUSED

VISIO ON THANKS Thanks to everyone at the NUS and the Independent, and everyone at the Guardian for their superb award ceremonies, both held in London last month.

Many thanks also for the dedication and hard work of Laura Hamilton, Amanda Hamilton and Ayeesha Bhutta, who have all left the Vision editorial team after sterling contributions. Thanks as always is due in abundance to Lisa Dodd and all at Westcountry Print and Design, Colin at Deadline, and Jo at NUS Ents.

The next Vision meeting will be held in D/016 on Monday week 6 at 7pm. All welcome.

Finally, thanks to all who contributed to this issue.

www.yorkvision.co.uk

Admin strikes back Portergate

The Debate Tom Hazeldine

UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATION have spoken out for the first time on the issue of 24 hour portering since it made the decision to transfer Vanbrugh’s night porter service to Halifax College.

Felicity Riddy, chair of the College Welfare and Security Working Party, told Vision: “Vanbrugh was chosen after looking at the plans of it and Langwith. The

Working Party was convinced in the end by the argument that it is much more difficult to make Langwith secure because of its many points of access.

“I had listened to all the arguments about Vanbrugh staying open and thought they were good ones. In the end I felt though that the security argument was the one that had to be overriding.”

However, the security of Vanbrugh has come under scrutiny after a first year student, Ian Savage, came home on the Saturday night of Week 3 to find his room in Vanbrugh C block had been burgled.

The intruder had apparently made use of a spare key that has gone missing from the Porter’s Lodge after Ian Savage had borrowed it the week before, having mislaid his own.

How the key came to be lost remains unclear, though the locks have since been changed. The burglary is likely to have occured after 7pm, when Vanbrugh Porter’s Lodge is closed for the night. The Secuirty Centre did however react quickly once informed.

At a recent General Meeting, the Students’ Union was mandated to continue to fight for 24 hour portering in every college, until it is presented with a “viable and acceptable alternative.”

The motion stated: “Vanbrugh is indicative. If it’s feasible in one college for one year, it’s feasible in all for ever.”

Admin have confirmed that the loss of the night porter in Vanbrugh is not the end of the story. The Working Party on College Welfare and Security has recom-

mended that a new system should be put in place, as of October 2002, involving a ‘nodal’ portering service.

This would leave only four porter’s lodges left open, staffed 24 hours a day, from which local security patrols would go out on foot. The proposal has yet to be costed, and no final decision will be made until the spring.

In addition, Admin is introducing a resident dean and a resident tutor for all colleges, both with welfare responsibilities.

Felicity Riddy has admitted: “One thing I deeply regret is the timing of the implementation at Vanbrugh,” which she blamed on the University committee cycle. The next move Admin makes is likely to come under closer scrutiny.

Student’s Union: UGM motion

Felicity Riddy: Admin “None of us on the Working Group would have made proposals that undermine student safety” “In the face of escalating costs, it’s a matter of holding costs down rather than cutting them” “The review of portering has been ongoing in the Dept of Facilities Management for years” “The current regime is subject to review. We have agreed to look at it after a term and see what problems there are.

We have not yet finished our work”

Ron Clayton: acting Vanbrugh Provost

Situation in Vanbrugh “unacceptable both in the long and short term” “The University has constantly evaded the question of 24 hour portering across campus” Admin “lied” over the promise of a Security Review that was delayed and then cancelled

R H 24 ?

G N I R E RT

PO

Vanbrugh “working as well as can be expected” “Ibelieve, and I think all provosts do, that we should have 24 hour portering. Whether it can be kept is in the lap of the gods. University finances are not bottomless”

Emma Powell : Vanbrugh JCR chair

“I am opposed to the recent changes, and I think it’s very bad that the University should have done this over the summer when students weren’t around” All college JCRs are to write to the parents of first year students living on campus, and encourage them to display their concerns to the University, as part of a ‘week of awareness’

Caught in the tiger’s den Robert Wotherspoon

Style bible Dazed and Confused, in collaboration with Electric Stew and Topshop, have announced the confirmed line-up of their ‘Big Break’ national tour.

The event hits Leeds University on the 21st November, with live acts The Bees and Aspects, and DJs Alex Neri and Andy Votel confirmed to play. It promises to be a top party for amazing value, and is also designed to seek out new student talent. Throughout the tour, the magazine is encouraging students to enter its competition to find the future stars of photography, design and music technology, to win a package to kickstart their career.

news@vision.york.ac.uk

THE DEBATE on whether the University should deal with companies that are deemed ‘unethical’ has been reopened for this University year.

The coalition of campus social and environmental societies YorkLEAF and People & Planet took over a recruitment event hosted by representatives of the world’s largest oil company ExxonMobil, to protest at the corporation’s unethical conduct globally.

ExxonMobil, known as Esso in Britain, is accused by environmental and human rights groups world-wide of large scale environmental destruction, promoting free trade agreements which are said to widen the gap between rich and poor and undermine public service.

Allegedly they have also been pumping millions of dollars into lobbying President Bush to follow an energy policy which largely ignores concerns of climate change and shockingly allowing the Indonesian military use of company facilities for the torture and murder of people in the Aceh province.

Lobbying by ExxonMobil and other oil companies has been credited with the decision of president Bush to withdraw the United States from the Kyoto protocol on climate change in March of this year.

ExxonMobil have been presenting careers events at universities throughout the country during October, and have been met with varied forms of disruption at a majority of these events, due to the ‘Stop Esso’ campaign, promoted by the nation-wide university campaigning society People & Planet.

In Warwick the hullabaloo raised was deemed severe enough for the police to be called to restrain some of the protestors who had broken into the event.

SU President, Ffion Evans took

issue with the Careers Service that a corporation with the ethical record of ExxonMobil should be allowed to present careers events on campus, but the Careers Service let the event continue on the grounds of freedom of speech.

With this in mind, YorkLEAF, People & Planet and students sympathetic to their views decided to exercise this freedom to its fullest, opting for a policy of education rather than disruption at the careers event.

Legitimately entering the careers event which was held behind tight security measures within Heslington Hall,

the protestors demanded that they be allowed to speak on the ethical issues they saw ExxonMobil as unlikely to comment upon.

The matter was opened to the floor for a vote, in which the protestors won

the right to speak first, and proceeded to deliver a ten minute presentation which drawing on the evidence of governmental, human rights and environmental organisations from around the world, catalogued the abuses of ExxonMobil.

As the activists suggested to any potential ExxonMobil employees that working for the corporation would involve complicity in such abuses, the company representatives alternated between denouncing the accusations as fabricated or admitting ignorance of them. The protestors then vacated the room leaving it only half as full as it had

Esso have been met with varied forms of disruption at careers events throughout October been at the opening, allowing the ExxonMobil employees to continue with their presentation, now substantially abridged.

Though ExxonMobil representatives had included a document challenging the allegations of environmental groups, this was dismissed as “one-sided and deceptive” by the campaigners, who distributed their own literature and left those in attendance to make up their own mind.

YorkLEAF member Peter Sanderson described the action at the event as “very positive and successful” and plans are being made concerning a possible motion at the next Union General Meeting and a petition to the Careers Service questioning the validity of the University’s dealings with such alledgedly unscrupulous corporations.

Disruption of Careers Service events involving unpopular companies is no new issue on campus, and indeed has sometimes resulted in companies discontinuing the presentation of such events at University of York, and so it seems unlikely that this issue will subside quietly.

yorkVision - THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK’S INDEPENDENT STUDENT NEWSPAPER Editor: Tom Smithard Deputy Editors: Adam Curran, Matt Goddard editor@vision.york.ac.uk Managing Editor: Becca Smith Advertising Manager: Adelise Ashdown advertising@vision.york.ac.uk Web Editor: Jonathan Carr Deputy Web Editor: Matthew Pettitt web@vision.york.ac.uk Special Projects Director: Alex Cooley projects@vision.york.ac.uk News Editors: Tim Dean, Sam Macrory Deputy News Editors: Tom Hazeldine, Yuriy Melnyk Politics Editor: Chris Cermak Deputy Politics Editors: Sharif Hamadeh Media Editor: Rob Harris Deputy Media Editor: Simon Milne Lifestyle Editor: Danny Goldup Deputy Lifestyle Editor: Naomi Jackson Food and Drink Editor: Heather Campbell Deputy Food and Drink Editor: Roxy Warrick Features Editor: Adrian Butler Deputy Features Editors: Anne Hurst, Alicia Starkey Music Editor: Simon Keal Deputy Music Editors: James Kelly, Isobel Todd Arts Editor: Louise Burns Deputy Arts Editor: Frances Lecky Films Editors: Paul Cosby Deputy Films Editor: Paul Hirons Wired Editor: Triston Attridge Books Editor: Bev Nutter Deputy Books Editor: Jayne Rimmer Sports Editor: Gareth Owens Deputy Sports Editors: Pete Dandy, Ben Wiseman Photo Editor: Sam Dudin Deputy Photo Editor: Tom White Artist: Steve Pewter Opinions expressed in Vision are not necessarily those of the Editors, Senior Editorial Team, membership or advertisers. Every effort is made to ensure all articles are as factually correct as possible at the time of going to press, given the information available. Copyright Vision Newspapers, 2001

www.yorkvision.co.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

news@vision.york.ac.uk

NEWS : 3

The drugs don’t work for Club D Club D was rocked last week by a drugs bust and a serious case of ticket fraud. Vision’s Claire Coady and Sam Macrory investigate the scandal CLUB DERWENT was thrown into disarray last Friday after the double whammy of a false ticket fiasco and a drugs controversy.

Unlike the usual professional style tickets with a security hologram that are used for one of the bigger events on campus, this Club Derwent event sold advance tickets which were merely hand written on a piece of red paper. This allowed for an easy forgery of the tickets, an act which

was performed widely, and with success.

One Vanbrugh third year, without a ticket on the evening, used the corner of one of Derwent’s own publicity posters which he then used as a template for a ticket.

This particular student called into question the thoroughness of Doorsafe.

“I was unable to find any scissors so could only tear the ticket to make it look roughly like the official ones. Nevertheless,

Your Problem Matt Goddard THE STUDENTS’ Union has won a sales battle which will see Your Shop grow as a student service as it becomes the sole retailer of newspapers and magazines on campus.

Five weeks after opening, Your Shop and Costcutter are still selling newspapers and magazines side by side on Market Square. Your Shop have been staging student promotions, such as selling broadsheet newspapers at discounted student prices only for unaware students to be let down by Costcutter selling full price papers next door. From 10th November however, the larger shop will cease to trade all printed products.

Costcutter’s original contract with the University stipulated no sales of papers or magazines, but it has taken direct action by the Students’ Union and Vice Chancellor Ron Cooke to stop the chain stocking printed produce and gain the victory for Your shop.

Newspaper suppliers stipulated that those retailers who sell produce at a student rate could not be situated at such a close proximity, so while Your Shop stocked discount papers, Costcutter simply chose to sell them at full price. At present Your Shop on Campus and Heslington Post Office sell quality newspapers at the discounted price without the use of vouchers.

All shops on Market Square are limited in the advertising they can use outside their premises due to University regulations on signage. Advertising boards are not allowed outside either Costcutter or

Your Shop.

However, in the spirit of co-operation and a desire to see the SU and Your Shop succeed over the coming year, the Vice Chancellor helped pressure the University to enforce the terms of the contract.

The future now looks more secure for the Your Shop, as it is able to carve its identity into what has quickly become a competitive market. Some students will remember the days of the Students’ Union shop in the kiosk at Vanbrugh. Its move away from the flow of campus traffic seemed risky, but was necessary for future

“If you want to change what we sell, you can have your say” Ffion Evans, SU President development. So far the shop’s trade has been promising.

Ffion Evans, the Students’ Union President concurred: “Following the UGM last week, the shop has to sell freetrade products, if you want to change what we sell you can have your say.” The SU is currently looking into the possibility of selling CDs and DVD’s and even a system of video rental. These would be developments the SU want sooner rather than later.

The old SU Kiosk: RIP

Doorsafe did not check the ticket closely and I was able to get in for free. I don’t think I was alone in performing this scam.”

Each individual ticket had been numbered by the Derwent JCR, but due to the volume of people attempting to get in, the numbering system soon broke down.

On a serious note, as a result of people being able to enter the club with such tickets, the capacity was soon exceeded and thus safety regulations ignored. This situation would have caused Derwent to be liable had fire broken out.

Club Derwent found itself in deeper controversy after the ejection policy at college events was called into question after a group of people, who claim to have been falsely accused of smoking cannabis, were ousted from Club D. Tom Flavel, who lodged the complaint against the Derwent JCRC and the security staff, claimed that the group were ejected because they were wearing, “baggy jeans and hoodies,” and that the Derwent JCRC and security had already presumed guilt and had, “…refused even to consider otherwise.”

Flavel was incensed by the decision and has written a heated letter to the Derwent JCRC which demands: “Unless I

and my friends receive a refund and a full and unconditional apology, I and my friends will continue to complain loudly and at length, and in person if need be. I will not forget about this and I simply will not go away.”

Nick Besley, the chair of the Derwent JCRC, however told Vision that Derwent JCRC acted in full accordance with the University ‘No Drugs’ policy, and were it not to do so, they would be liable to be having all future events cancelled.

“Such unfounded arrogance does neither he nor the people he claims to represent any favours at all”, responded Besley to Flavel’s letter. “Personally I am amazed that he has issued such an aggressive letter which contains such thinly veiled threats as the ones he issued.”

He went on to say that Derwent JCRC and Doorsafe security reserve the right at every function to eject anybody, and that the purchaser of a ticket willingly agrees to this policy. He also said that, “[Flavel’s] removal from the event is in no way an accusation of drug-taking.”

Tom Flavel said in his complaint that unless an apology is issued, he will take his complaint further. Besley responded by saying that the Derwent JCRC is more than willing to refund Mr Flavel’s money,

should details be provided.

Besley concluded that he was sorry that the incident had not been dealt with in a friendlier manner, and that he would “Much rather have issued a statement of true sympathy, rather than be forced by his unthinking pomposity into issuing an anodyne ‘official’ response.”

SU President Ffion Evans issued a diplomatic response to the incident. “ I am sorry he [Flavell] didn’t have a good time at one of our events, which is worrying.

The fact that he mentioned Doorsafe in his letter of complaint is also a worry. We take every complaint seriously and we will definitely be looking at it closely.”

As the Government continues to talk about relaxing its policy on cannabis, it is likely that ambiguities will exist as to what the policy on class ‘C’ drugs is. However the University ‘Drugs’ policy remains unchanged and it is clear that the JCRs and Doorsafe have no choice but to stick rigidly to the letter of their law.

Club Derwent will have to be on their toes for their next evening. For its own livelihood, homemade tickets will have to be an embarrassing one off, and any one suspected of not complying with the University Drugs policy will have to be dealt with delicately but decisively.

Goodricke in a hole Sam Dudin

Tom Hazeldine STUDENTS HAVE reacted angrily to the University’s decision to postpone the construction of a Goodricke amenities building even though work on the project has already begun. Current noise disturbances are now likely to be dragged out over a longer period of time.

Tom Connor, Goodricke JCR Chair, expressed his concerns: “We’ve had complaints from students in Goodricke and James about the noise caused by the building work, which starts early in the morning and goes on until 6pm or later, and especially about the big drilling equipment they are using.”

“People are in their rooms trying to work, and it’s all very unsatisfactory. It could be justified if we knew it was going to be out of the way soon, but now it’s all going to start up again in a year’s time.”

“The college will look an absolute state.” Connor continued, “Goodricke already has the reputation for being the poor college because it’s got the lowest rent, and this will not help our image.

Access should not be a huge problem, although you can get covered in mud at the moment, and it is something we’ve got to keep our eye on.”

Proposals for the Goodricke amenities building had raised hopes of its potential use as a multipurpose central bar and venue, which the University is noticeably lacking. These hopes were dashed when Admin unveiled plans earlier this year for what would primarily be a new dining hall.

The Students’ Union then accused Admin of developing conceptual plans without student involvement, and of aiming the plans at conference guests more than students. The Director of Facilities Management, Andy Macdonald, then defended the actions of the University: “We have given students the opportunity to get involved in the design process so as to meet some of their aspirations.

With a limited budget, we are working in a constrained environment. I am in no way able to answer all their expectations. As long as both parties recognises this, there is something here for everyone.”

For the moment at least, it now appears that there is very little here for anyone. It is still not certain how space in the new facility, when it is completed, will be broken down. However, the involvement of outside companies may bring alternatives to Campus Fare.

Ffion Evans, current SU President, noted her “lack of surprise” at the recent postponement: “The amenities building was never primarily for the use of students.” Looking at the continued search

Goodricke College trying to dig itself out of another Admin mess for a central bar and venue, Evans questioned the long term plans of the University, stating “It is difficult to fully believe their priorities for student provision.”

The decision to postpone building work was apparently taken by the University’s Policy and Resources Committee due to cashflow reasons. The groundwork, involving digging up parts of Goodricke car park, will still be finished in order to make improvements to the sewage system.

Students will have to wait to feel the benefits of the recent building work. Tom Connor remains dis atisfied: “I appreciate that the University isn’t that well off, but there do seem to be fundamental flaws in its system. Other departments are getting facelifts while Gooodricke C block is still standing, which was supposed to have been demolished years ago. It’s a shame we won’t have a nice new building for current third years to enjoy.”Admin was not available for comment at the time Vision went to press.

4 : NEWS yorkVision

news@vision.york.ac.uk

November 7th 2001

Have you Heard...

8.15 Lectures

Tim Dean Alright chief, what are you doing up so early? Are you on the walk of shame or something?

No, sadly not. I’m afraid my working day starts now - I’m on my way to a lecture.

Don’t give me that! You’re doing the walk of shame aren’t you, come on who is she, some shag from Wentworth!!!

No, no it’s this science thing Hey mate I don’t want to know about the chemistry you got with this girl and please save me the biological description Would you please give it a rest, there is no girl, my lectures start at 8.15 EIGHT-FIFTEEN!!! Yeah, yeah and I’m off to start a punting company on the lake!!!

No honestly, its a new idea being mooted around campus. Admin says that with the extra influx of students at the University they need more teaching time, especially for the sciences to fit everyone in.

Oh my word! Well thank the lord I read English That doesn’t mean that your getting off scott free. While the scientists do the most hours, it’s the Art subjects that are getting more competitive and popular. The history department has almost doubled in size since 1989.

So what about the other equally important activities on and around campus? The Cooker, Langwith Large, Ziggys, Toffs and the inevitable consequences of when alcohol is mixed with people of the opposite sex in dark lighting. Do you know how hard it is to get a good night sleep in those single beds?

Hey don’t shoot the messenger, I completely sympathise and am behind you 100%.

Err...

No not like that!!! But you know Admin, they do try to look after their students. No central bar, getting rid of twenty four hour portering, sewage in bedrooms, no bar for James, rats in Wentworth, ah arn’t they great they really care.

But most proper jobs don’t even start until 9am, and we’re students, don’t they realise that most people don’t even think of stirring until the theme tune of Watercolour Challenge!

I guess we’ll all have to start setting our alarm clocks and taking the hair of the dog.

Thats no way to talk about her, I’m sure she was a great girl, with a lovely personality.

www.yorkvision.co.uk

Blood on the tracks Catherine Milner

, DEVELOPMENT OF the new Hull & York Medical School, expected to be complete by 2003, has been rocked by the news that its new Chair of Development is to be John Robinson – until recently the Chairman of Railtrack.

Many are worried that Robinson’s involvement could lead to another classic case of delays and failure due to government ‘underfunding’, or as one source recently described the Railtrack disaster, another ‘Ill fated experiment with public resources’.

It has been noted by many that a man partially responsible for the poor state of the country’s rail service and the astounding failure of Railtrack many not be the best choice to oversee the organisation of an institution for the training of future generations of doctors.

Some go as far as to note that Railtrack’s one link up to now with the NHS has been to provide it with many of its patients.

Railtrack’s problems have been welldocumented. The company, privatised five years ago, was placed into administration on October 7th. Shareholders, who had invested at 290p, were given just 110p back.

This was despite Robinson’s personal pledge to ‘Get the value for shareholders which belongs to them.’ One Railtrack employee, commenting anonymously to Vision, stated that he and his colleagues felt ‘betrayed’ both as staff and as shareholders by their Senior Management.

The Medical School itself will be the first training establishment to serve the North Yorkshire and Humberside, the area with the largest population – 1.4 million people - not yet with a medical school.

It is being developed in partnership

John Robinson with the University of Hull and the NHS, and students will be awarded joint-degrees from both universities after spending the first two years of training based on one of the campuses.

York currently has the largest group of health policy researchers in the world and a strong reputation in biological sciences. The medical school will clearly enhance York’s reputation further.

Current developments worth £45 million are already underway on York’s campus in related areas of health and public policy in biosciences.

The school is to cost £15 million a year with an initial start-up capital of £22 million for facilities, £10 million of which will be in the NHS and the rest at the two universities.

Vice Chancellor Ron Cooke com-

Campus quiz

Photo: Sam Dudin

mented that the University was to “Bring its established reputation of work in health policy evidence based medicine and clinical governance to the training of new doctors.”

John Robinson’s involvement with the project could however cause more harm than good.

He has already gone on the record to vehemently attack and pass the blame onto the Government for the Railtrack fiasco, stating that “Investment is the key to success, while Government interference is the route to failure” and has accused the Government of being “Dogmatic and clueless.”

A University Press Officer however denied that York is worried about John Robinson’s involvement, stating that he will not be involved in the ‘day to day’ running and that to draw any comparisons to the Railtrack debacle was ‘ludicrous’.

On asking Ffion Evans, SU President, whether development of the school would be as punctual as recent train services, she diplomatically chose to make no comment on the matter.

Will Robinson be bending over backwards for York?

You’ve got second class male Adelise Ashdown

What is the capital of the Ukrane?

Simon Milne IF THE heated sporting rivalry wasn’t enough, a campus-wide bar quiz will set inter-college rivalry at new heights.

The venture is a sophisticated attempt to unequivocally determine who can be considered as the ‘brainiest’ college at the University of York.

Bar quizzes will continue as usual.

However, the top two teams from each college will have the opportunity to represent their college at the Grand Final, to be held in Derwent Bar on the Sunday of Week Seven..

The evening will be hosted and produced by Anderson, who are planning to pose their own taxing questions to the finalists.

Fourteen to sixteen teams will vigorously compete against each other to earn themselves the title of ‘The Brainiest College on Campus.’

Along with the prestige of such an accolade, cash prizes are also at stake for the winning team. The JCR of the winning college will also receive a cash sum.

The event is the brain-child of Zoe Newman, the Senior Recruitment Officer at the Leeds branch of Anderson. Zoe had

Fourteen to sixteen teams will vigorously compete against each other to earn themselves the title of ‘The Brainiest College on Campus’ criticised the way in which student recruitment was largely done on a departmental basis.

It is hoped that ‘The Bar Quiz Competition’ will improve the opportunity for recruitment from all colleges, and not just from specific departments. On top of this, the chances of fun and excessive drinking on campus continue to rise.

It has been noted that a man partially responsible for the poor state of the country’s rail service may not be the best choice to oversee the organisation of an institution for the training of future generations of doctors

CAMPUS SEXUAL politics have been brought to the forefront yet again.

Last term saw a referendum for the abolition of the post of Women’s Officer.

Now a written question requesting a White, Heterosexual, Male Access Officer in last week’s UGM is the latest attack on the legitimacy of access officers.

A first year Politics student argues that “Only true equality can be achieved if there is someone to represent everyone on campus. If there is an LGB officer do we need an Officer for Scousers?” The white, heterosexual male student in question could not give one example of any discrimination that he has suffered.

Cath Howe, Women’s Officer, pointed out that the purpose of a Liberation Officer is that they are there to sort out students’ problems and issues of discrimination.

She went on to say that if there was genuine concern that this section of the student population felt that they were under-represented they should have the right to change the constitution.

For Campus Tory Duncan Flynn the issue is more about SU image than any real concerns about discrimination.

Questions of this nature that repeatedly arise in UGMs reflect a growing feeling of disenfranchisement in a Union that is accused of being dominated by minority politics.

Whilst he supports Liberation campaigns, he feels they are of limited interest to mainstream campus opinion. He points to the ever-rising suicide rate amongst young males as an example of an important issue that does not receive sufficient attention. Flynn is eager to encourage all students who feel there is an issue that they want discussed by the Union to put in a motion. “The SU is for everyone even if it doesn’t always seem that way.”

The general response to the question was bemusement and a concern that this was political correctness gone mad. Ffion Evans, SU President felt it was difficult to take such a question seriously.

“Personally, I believe it is a lot of nonsense about nothing. To say that sexism doesn’t exist and homophobia doesn’t

exist and racism doesn’t exist is folly and naïve. On a professional level if anyone feels there is a need for such an officer I am here to help them do that.”

The general response to the question was surprise and a concern that this was political correctness gone mad

Macho, macho, man

5 : NEWS yorkVision

news@vision.york.ac.uk

November 7th 2001

www.yorkvision.co.uk

news focus: the alternative alternative guide

University Guides. How does the reality compare to the image?

Have you ever wondered if you made the right decision when deciding upon your university? Each year the alternative guides come out trying to project an image for each university. Tim Dean investigates just how close this representation compares to the day to day reality for York students

The Virgin 2001 Alternative guide to British Universities UNIVERSITY

Student newspapers Student radio stations Student TV Union ents

**** [out of 5] Bright, Friendly, Unpretentious Good Union activity and student interest High Competitive Good Drama, film excellent; dance, music, art avg Vision, Nouse URY station YSTV College based + 5 union ents per term

Live venue Union clubs/socs Most popular Society Bar prices Smoking policy Parking

None 80 RAG £1.50 Bars, halls ok Little

Social life Campus scene SU Services Politics Sport Sports facilities Arts opportunities

CITY Entertainment City scene Town/Uni relations Risk of violence Cost of living Student Concessios Cost of survival Part time work opportunities WE’VE ALL been there: you’re sat at home with a cup of tea and a Jaffa cake, half watching Eastenders whilst trying to debate whether Jaffa cakes are actually biscuits or cakes. In walk your parents: they turn off your TV, plump a load of prospectuses in front of you and demand there and then that you decide where you’re going to be living for the next three years. For many, the decision is easy: London for the bright lights and beautiful people, St Andrews because you stand as good a chance as anybody in marrying Wills, Bath because of your deep passion for Georgian architecture(!!) or Aberdeen as you know there is absolutely no bloody chance of your parents paying you a visit all the way up there.

For those of the lazier variety the question inevitably arises: “why bother shifting through all the brightly coloured prospectuses with naff pictures of nice people, looking like they’re having a nice time listening to some bearded bloke standing in front of a blackboard with weird looking numbers on them, when you can get all your prospectuses in one via those nice people at Virgin and Push?” But how do these bibles of University knowledge actually compare to the reality? Do they forewarn about the strange-looking hall or dodgy piece of architecture that

*** Good pubs, avg clubs, tourist haven Good Low Very low Good £45 pw Campus avg, City good

someone blatantly came up with when stoned, or the ducks and the ever increasing need for some type of body armour, not to mention the drama luvvies and their need to take up the whole of Vanbrugh Bar with their scarves and copies of Richard III. Whilst both guides are more than encouraging to start off with: very nice city, Clifford’s Tower, Vikings, Minster, the Ouse, blaa blaa, soon enough you get the idea that the Push guide is written by a Cambridge professor who was on a day trip to the Jorvik Museum. “ York is a collegiate University- cynics claim this is an unsuccessful attempt to copy Oxbridge…There are eight colleges, which don’t vary enormously… Students don’t get to choose their own college.”

Now I know what many of you will be thinking: eight colleges, which don’t vary enormously! Did they even look around James, did they miss the en-suite bathrooms, maybe they just f o rg o t

to visit Goodricke C- block. “ What a load of tripe” said Tom Connor, Goodricke JCR Chair; “Of course there is a difference - just ask anyone in Derwent what they think of Goodricke and vice versa. The college system defines who you are and who your friends are going to be, the college system underpins York student life.

The collegiate system has been a great success and life at York would be much the poorer without it. Besides, who after three years at York who would honestly say that they would have preferred to go to Oxbridge anyway. Now that is a good joke!”

This is a view that is supported by the Derwent chair Nick Beesley. “Our college system works really well: it gives you a sense of patriotic pride towards the college that you belong to and yet York manages to avoid any real sense of internal bitterness and envy.”

T h e Virgin G u i d e offers some rather random titbits of information: apparently URY was launched by John Peel thirty years ago and there is a Audio Visual Studio (whatever one of those is) in Wentworth. It also dedicates a rather large chunk of space to that area of York life which dominates every student’s life, the quiet place! Apparently this “collection of gigantic topiary knobs” or large bushes to the rest of us, is “perfect for late night games of hide and seek” and you thought that York didn’t have much of a night life. We also learn that the York Quakers were among those responsible , helping raise “£70,000 for the Georgian gazebo”.

Virgin does give the one insight which every York student will know is essential to surviving life on campus. “The most important point to consider before choosing York concerns your feelings about ducks. Do NOT come here if you are anything less than tolerant of them.

They are everywhere.” No crap?! Or lots of it failed to be mentioned. It also raises the issue of 24-hour portering as a key reason for coming here. “The 24-hour portering proves a life-saver at 3am when short on mind and money and with an angry t a x i

driver demanding payment.” Let’s hope none of this year’s Vanbrugh freshers were lured here under false pretences. But if you were dithering about whether or not to come to York, Admissions must be smiling: “York is a small, friendly, unpretentious university, which makes it incredibly easy to settle in.” That would probably be enough to convince even the most dedicated Oxbridge candidate.

It is something that Ffion Evans, SU President, more than endorses: “That’s absolutely true, through the collegiate system at York there is a real

community spirit, it means that peoplecan’t fall through the net. And, with our academic reputation it gives us an air of gravitas. Of course there are areas that need improving: the library, a lack of a central bar, the building work might well put me off if I was to come up on an open day, and there is a lack of diversity. But York offers exactly what Oxbridge offers in terms of the academic side and we offer so much more with everything else, we’re not snotty or pompous and York students are generally down to earth. I would definitely come to York again.”

It would probably be fair to say that there is a general consensus over this.The Push Guide states “ It’s [the University] cosy and friendly (some find it almost suffocating) and many find it hard to leave. Anybody who’s seen 60s cult TV show ‘The Prisoner’ will have an idea. The town swarms with graduates, which must mean something positive.”

But, when it comes down to it, the guides can say what they want. “It was discovered as a ‘concept’ campus- the concept in question being ‘ discovery around every corner’, which explains why everywhere looks the same and it’s easy to get lost.” And the SU can talk York up: “If I had to sum up York in one word I’d say fantastic” says Ffion Evans, SU President. But the facts speak for themselves: out of over 8,000 students there is a drop out rate of just 5%, 92% of teaching assessments were rated excellent, only 5% of graduates are unemployed and even the social life was given 4 out of 5 stars. It could be argued that the ducks are worth putting up with, wouldn’t you agree?

6 : COMMENT yorkVision

editor@vision.york.ac.uk

November 7th 2001

www.yorkvision.co.uk

email editor@vision.york.ac.uk Tel / Fax 01904 43 3720 Grimston House, Vanbrugh College, University of York, York YO10 5DD

Success on a budget Admin take note Already the start of term seems a depressingly long time ago. With the mid-term week upon us, the first years who looked fresh and scared so recently are already swaggering around like they’ve been here forever. For those on campus whose careworn appearance betrays more advanced years, the focus of the campus media’s news sections has been depressingly reminiscent of past concerns. For on a campus where so much appears to be changing, the concerns which affect students remain fixed.

In Ron Cooke’s final year as Vice Chancellor, the building site which covered much of the campus last year is slowly bearing fruit. As our facilities develop, hopefully so too will a reputation which has been tarnished for many years with the dismissive word “concrete”. But as any ugly person likes to think, beauty is only skin deep. It is the responsibility of not only the campus media, but also the students themselves, to ensure that as campus receives an architectural boob job the focus of the administration does not entirely waver from the interests of those who, to stretch a metaphor, are getting their hands on the new boobs – the students themselves.

But another editorial on yet the same subject is effectively blank space. The cold war against a mythical faceless admin has been going on for decades, in fact as long as the current bosses forefathers made such a royal cock-up of so simple a task as building a university from scratch. In the same way that many of us flick straight through newspaper coverage of the Afghanistan affair, for reasons ranging from boredom to stupidity, to the average student words such as ‘differential rates’, ’24 hour portering’ and ‘central venue’ inspire indifference and mild irritation.

Of course, this is unfortunate. But, much like duffel coats, it is such an intrinsic part of the make up of a modern day student it must be accepted, however grudgingly.

And this is where, blushing furiously and fluttering its eyelids, Vision would like to suggest it has a major part to play.

Whilst unwilling to blow our own trumpet, our recent success in winning Best Student Publication on a Small Budget at the NUS/Independent National Student Journalism Awards proves we must be doing something right. The Small Budget qualification does, admittedly, give the award an air of patting a tramp on the head. But, given the resources available in terms of both student clout and advertising, we cannot compete with the big boys in financial terms. Yet. Of the five newspapers nominated, York media occupied two spots, with our next door neighbours and worthy competition Nouse also shortlisted. If you look at any of the top academic universities, none are in such a period of change and upheaval as York. It is surely appropriate that these developments be charted by the best student journalism that can be produced under the circumstances.

But we have no intentions of sitting on our laurels and polishing our trophy. For one thing, it’s quite small and weedy. But also, we haven’t achieved as much as we had hoped. Last term, we produced the most comprehensive campus questionnaire ever attempted. Analysed by a professional, it sent the clearest possible message to the University Administration that the student body is firmly opposed to many of its ideas for the future of this institution. Blithely, they made no effort to make even token concessions.

Some of the blame must be shouldered by all of us. For example, recent meetings regarding the loss of 24 hour portering have been woefully empty. Attendance on protests last term over distinctly dodgy decisions regarding the long rumbling central venue issue was so spartan they could have fit into a Goodricke ‘C’ Block bedroom.

Vision will continue to do what it can to highlight those issues we feel to be of concern to the interests of York students. But only if we feel our voice is being truly heard will the baubels of success feel deserved.

York is not the place for trend-setters, thank you York is not a trendy place. With it’s medieval walls and medieval attitude, the city is clearly geared for its tourists rather than its students. Look around you: dodgy clubs pumping out S Club 7 to the Ben Sherman and Boob Tube masses; the National Railway Museum and Betty’s Teashops; this is what we will remember of York when we’re old. As each year of students graduates, only a minute number of them stay behind in York to work for Norwich Union or CPP – the rest hotfoot it away as fast as they can.

Compare York to its near relatives, Leeds, Newcastle, and Manchester. Each of these cities has a vibrant culture and social scene, with clubs, venues and art galleries in abundance. We may have smaller versions of some of their trendy bars, but that’s as far as it goes.

Next time you’re in one of these major cities, have a look around you at the inhabitants. They’re wearing the clothes, they’ve got the hair and they all feature the smouldering look into the half-distance that just screams ‘cool’. This is no more apparent then around their universities. Then come back to York. Here, we wear our Nike trainers, Levis jeans and Gap hooded tops with pride. Maybe, if we’re particularly creative, we’ll add a sheepskin jacket from one of York’s charity shops for that much needed individualism. Either way, we look dull and we’re happy to do so.

What’s the point of dressing up? We know we are at a small provincial university in a small city well past its sell-by-date. Very few of us chose York for the social life – we’re content to go pubbing with our mates and maybe, depending on what time we’re up the next morning, onto Toffs for some cheap vodka and Red Bull.

At least that’s the way it was until this academic year. All of a sudden, walking around campus, we’re accosted with freshers that look, well, trendy. Their hair’s just right, their clothes are gracing the cover of next month’s Dazed and Confused, and they look, frankly, like they don’t belong here.

They hunt in packs, always with the aloof look on their faces. Some are indie-kids, others are techno-freaks, and we in the Vision office have noticed a distinct increase in New-New Romantics. They don’t look like they belong here, and they know it.

Frankly, they don’t belong here, and it’s about time they did something about it.

This therefore, is a plea to all you freshers with delusions of York – open your eyes! Don’t waste your parent’s money on trying to look good, there’s just no point.

You’ll never be able to make York cool, our advice to you is to not even try. Just accept that you’re only here for three years, buy an oversized fleece, and learn to love your Steps and Travis. Either that or you could just do what you really know you should have done in the first place, and transfer to Leeds.

Stop making us second and third years look bad and scaring all those nice American tourists. Behave yourselves and act like a proper York student. We’ll have no individualism or trend-setting here, thank you very much.

We welcome all contributions, from students and staff, about issues featured in Vision or those that you feel should be brought to students’ attention

Letters to the editor

We will not publish anonymous letters, but will guarantee the writer’s anonymity if requested. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.

send all correspondence to: letters@vision.york.ac.uk -orVision Letters, Grimston House

This is your space in Vision to raise whatever issue is important to you, whether it be the latest scandal to hit campus, what you thought of the latest Brad Pitt flick, or your opinions on campus, national or international politics. Alternatively, feel free to write in and complain about articles you’ve read in Vision - everyone else does!

Dear Editor,

Dear Editor,

Dear Editor,

I'd be grateful if you could publish this so that we can explain the situation to as many students as possible.

New computing facilities - why the delay?

Halifax College: Many of you will have been disappointed, as we in the Computing Service were, that the facility in Halifax College was not available by the beginning of this academic year. We apologise for the delay which was a consequence of University budgetary constraints.

The good news is that the PCs will be in place this term. The furniture is due to be installed in the week beginning 26 November and the PCs will be available shortly after.

Alcuin College: The new study centre in Alcuin is currently on hold, as changes to the building plan mean that suitable accommodation is not yet available. In addition, University budgetary constraints have restricted the number of PCs which can be funded. Discussions are continuing, but no decision is likely before the middle of the Spring term. We will keep you informed as progress is made.

Ffion Evans' opinion piece [comment, issue 131] has really captured the relevance of and necessity for a Students Union in our university. In a 'debut' message to the students of York University, she outlined her 'large goal' for the coming year: 'a Bar and Venue.' Note that the capitalization of 'Bar' and 'Venue' really does hit home that we are not merely talking about student debt or accommodation standards, the sacking of porters or the loss of domestic security. All this is subsumed by our important responsiblities to get us a big, big bar to party in.

She made an important inference, that 'larger goals, like a Bar and Venue cost more money, like a couple of million pounds more...' How long did it take for the issue of big spending to rear its ugly head? How can it be that a president with very little money to spend is already dreaming of the big bucks?

Okay, if I may make a crude but real suggestion: all the new developments around campus - both academic and commercial - have left the University out of pocket for the academic year. Our responsiblity, then, is not to squeeze a quite empty money bag. YUSU should be focussing on the realities that confront students now. For our own credibility, as students united, we shouldn't entertain the distant day-dreams of Ffion Evans.

May I register my most wholehearted support for Gareth Walker’s campaign to be Vice-Chancellor. I know in some quarters this has been seen as a flippant publicity stunt. But I feel this is missing the point – Walker is the man for the job, and it distresses me that his message does not seem to be penetrating the student conscience as completely as it could.

I do not know Gareth personally, and I have no vested interest in a Walker sweep to glory. Indeed, I’ve always been slightly intimidated by his air of authority and cuddly good looks. But I am firmly convinced that he has the experience which can only be gained by being virtually a professional student.

Moreover, given the sterling work which Ron Cooke has put in over the past few years, surely we should pass the baton to someone who knows him inside out? In his manifesto, Gareth claimed to have only met the great man once, but those in the know are aware of the truth – it is a rare night Gareth does not stumble from Ron’s front door in the wee hours, slightly the worse for port but energised by hours of conversation, having mulled over the crucial issues of the day.

Of course, were Gareth to succeed he would have to forfeit his Vision column – but surely you already have an understudy in the form of his near namesake Gareth Owens.

Thanks, Joanne Casey Computing Service Information Officer

Thanks, Alexander Binns

Vicki Segdwick

COULD YOU BE A COCK-STAR??

Calling all male students. Make your parents proud of you. To celebrate the Puppetry Of The Penis release on video and DVD we are looking for the UK's first ever 'Cockstars'.

Puppetry Of The Penis is the celebrated show that brought to the international stage the ancient Australian

art of 'Genital Origami'.

So if you're man enough, send a snap of your best 'installation' to Vision and the owner of the most innovative dick-trick will win a night out for ten at his favourite local curry house (up to the value of £300). The runner-up will win £100

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

worth of his favourite tipple.

In addition to this, the two winners will have their winning entries blown up to epic proportions and framed to adorn their walls.

Puppetry Of The Penis, a hilarious collection of genital gymnastics, can be seen on Video and DVD and is available to buy from 19 November 2001.

The deadline's Wednesday 27th November. You can send your picture to us at editor@vision.york.ac.uk or through the internal post.

Alternatively, email us, and we'll take the picture for you!

Entries will be published in the next issue, and the winner decided upon. The national winner will be published early next year. Prizes must be taken up by January 2002.

For futher images of dick-tricks (with instructions!) email us and we’ll send them out...

www.yorkvision.co.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

editor@vision.york.ac.uk

Desperately trying not to cough I always get a little touchy whenever the subject of marijuana comes up. The truth is you see (and this is strictly between you and me, you understand) I hide a shameful secret – I am a pot-virgin

garethWALKER WE’RE BOMBING a derelict country into the dust for no discernibly useful reason. In universities across Britain the banners begin to stir. The first of many voices are raised in protest. And then, all of a sudden, the government practically legalises smoking pot.

Pure coincidence? I don’t think so.

Aren’t we’re all just witnessing some sort of nefarious secret government plan swinging into effect?

“Dissension on the campuses Prime Minister? No need to worry, our agents have already stockpiled arsenals of the strongest, mellowest weed. Once Operation ‘Tune-in, Drop-out’ has begun, we confidently predict the zombification of the nation’s under-25s will be complete

by Christmas.”

OK, I admit. Perhaps it’s a little bit far-fetched. The trouble is that I always get a little touchy whenever the subject of marijuana comes up. The truth is you see (and this is strictly between you and me, you understand) I hide a shameful secret – I am a pot-virgin.

I’m not completely inexperienced I hasten to add. I mean there’ve been some moments of pretty steamy and extended secondary inhalation, I can tell you. It’s just that I’ve really never gone, well, y’know…all the way.

I did my best of course. Back at sixth form I watched the right bands, hung out with the indie-kids, tried to learn all the right moves. All to no avail though. Sure we’d chat about it, make plans maybe. Yet every time it was the same. Perhaps I’d say the wrong thing or just try to push too far too fast. Either way it always wound up just another mundane night of flirty conversation, cheap lager and occasional sex.

Well of course, by the time I came to university it was all too late. Surrounded by so many strangers how could I ever handle the humiliation of being exposed as a hopelessly unskilled pot-lover? How could I ever face having to admit, as I coughed and spluttered within seconds of taking a single draw, that this was actually my very first time?

And so the lies began. Initially the best I could manage were embarrassed, rambling excuses: I objected to tobacco; I had a serious nasal complaint and couldn’t handle the smell; I only ever smoked from a pipe; I preferred cocaine/crack/heroin

Time for last orders!

This guy’s no Pot Virgin, but our poor Gareth, on the other hand... (carefully ensuring I chose the one which was not immediately available).

Over time though I learned to affect a demeanor of seen-it-before cool: to subtly suggest that I had indeed smoked such vast quantities of pot in the past that, really, I found the whole thing all rather childish. And it worked. After a while it

seemed as if people stopped noticing that at parties as the joint passed round, I preferred to nurse a bottle of cheap Bulgarian wine – eventually they stopped even bothering to offer me the joint.

Yet for all of this, I was still a redblooded male student. How could I ever deny the craving I felt inside for minor

DURING THE last few days of the General Election campaign I became aware that many of those Labour supporters under 25 around me were receiving text messages with the mantra “CLDNT GIVE A XXXX 4 LST ORDRS? VTE LBR ON THRSDY 4 EXTRA TIME.” I think it was a big political mistake to associate the benefits of liquor licensing reform solely with the young. If we are ever going to get widespread acceptance for flexible licensing hours in pubs, clubs and restaurants the advantages to the whole community need to be stressed.

At the moment except for in trains, planes and the Houses of Parliament the only places which can serve alcohol legally after 11.00pm (other than on a special occasion) are those establishments which have entertainment, invariably loud music.

Tourists and residents alike have nowhere to go in York and other cities after closing time other than to pay over the odds to get into a nightclub. Moreover, the police now argue that a fixed closing time actually increases crime and violence because large numbers of people are on the streets at the same time seeking fast food and transport home.

Whether or not Britain joins the Euro at the least we should adopt the Europeans’ sensible attitude to alcohol

The Isle of Man, previously not especially renowned for social liberalism, relaxed it’s own liquor licensing regime this summer. Just as in Scotland a more relaxed approach to hours has meant less trouble on the streets.

The failure of a Licensing Reform Bill to appear in the first Queen’s Speech after the election was a big disappointment.

Like much that goes wrong in politics this was probably more the result of accident rather than design.

Ministerial responsibilities for the subject passed from the Home Office to the Department of Culture, Media and Sport and no big hitter at the cabinet table was banging the drum for the cause.

The Government now needs to deliver its text message promise in the next Queen’s Speech. In the meantime there is the prospect of some limited deregulation of hours for the New Year, the Queen’s Jubilee and during the Football World Cup in 2002 when kick off times will be between 6.00am and 12.00 noon.

One other related issue I have been working on with the pub and retail trade is proof of age cards. After months of wrangling all the major card issuers and retailers have agreed to back a common “PASS” hologram logo which will appear on ‘proof of age’ cards designed like credit cards with a swipe facility.

This should mean that cards issued by the more reputable issuers will be accepted countrywide - too many of the current schemes are localised and of limited use.

Notably the pressure group Liberty whilst opposing identity cards adopt a neutral attitude to voluntary proof of age cards.

Whether or not Britain draws closer to our European partners in terms of joining the Euro before the next election at the very least we should adopt their more sensible attitude to the sale of alcohol.

John Grogan is the Labour MP for the constituency of Selby, which includes the University

substance abuse and petty criminal acts?

The need just grew and grew until, finally, I could take it no more. I cracked. In the cramped bedroom of yet another house party, just as the joint was on the point of once again being passed over me, I reached forward with trembling hands.

And then, it happened. Maybe it was the excitement; maybe it was some sort of subliminal psychological rejection; maybe it was just the litre of cheap red wine churning away in my guts. Either way, almost imperceptibly my stomach turned, my mouth fell open and I found myself lengthily vomiting in the direction of the poor girl who held the joint mere inches from my waiting lips.

As she dashed toward the toilet clutching her hair, and her boyfriend took his first angry steps toward me; somehow, imperceptibly, I knew. This had been my last chance and I’d blown it. And it looks as if my premonition was right. I’ve lost forever the opportunity to enjoy smoking a Grade-B illicit substance – and what’s the point if it’s not even borderline illegal?

The government has cruelly condemned me to a life of spinsterhood. In years to come, when my grandchildren gather round the communal bong, look up at me with their little eyes and ask how I managed in the days before you could buy your pot from the supermarket, I’ll be forced to tell them the truth: that back in the old days, actually, we all did was crack cocaine instead.

Retail’s a We have to stay Winner united to stay safe

The failure of a Licensing Reform Bill to appear since the election was a big disappointment. The Government now needs to deliver its promise

johnGROGAN

COMMENT : 7

Vanbrugh has lost 24hr portering. The priority now is for us all to demonstrate in order to ensure that no other college will have to endure such a cut ronCOOKE I AM very pleased that so many people have enthusiastically welcomed the new shopping centre, with its Costcutter supermarket, YUSU shop and new Blackwell’s Bookshop. New openings will follow shortly - NYS Travel, certainly, and hopefully a chemist, and a bank.

My hope is that these new and relocated services will be a great success - it’s in all our interests that they should be. One way of ensuring the success is, of course, to support them. Another is to let us have any suggestions for improvements or new services. Please do both!

There’s more to the new Centre than shops. The offices on the upper floors are already leased, for example to one of our small research organisations, York Health Economics Consortium Ltd. At the west end, there is a new Information Centre.

This is a major new service: please visit it, and see what’s on offer. The Information Centre provides, for the first time, a front door to the University. Visitors should make it their first stop - for information, for directions, for tickets, for the University Card and so on. For the rest of us it will provide the main hub for information dissemination in response to personal enquiries, for events and for prospectuses. If you have information that you wish to be available to visitors to the Information Centre then please hand it in.

A new service offered through the Information Centre will be a video conferencing studio. Commissioning shortly, this will be available to the University and to outside organisations.

As part of the development - and to heal the scar created by the demolition of the north wing - the new frontage to Grimston House incorporates a lift and a reception, greatly improving the appearance and access to the building.

Professor Ron Cooke is the University Vice-Chancellor

ffionEVANS ONE OF the most popular issues that was discussed in the last Union General Meeting without a doubt was the 24hr Portering motion proposed by Jenna Khalfan, the Education and Welfare Officer. The motion stated that the Students’ Union should continue to fight for 24hr Portering in every college until a viable and acceptable alternative is presented. It is therefore not surprising that the student body passed it unanimously.

This year it has been Vanbrugh students left without a 24hr cover, but as Professor Felicity Riddy, the Pro Vice Chancellor, suggested with such brutal honesty in the open meeting that we held on Thursday of Week Three, it would be naïve for us to think that this is a problem for Vanbrugh students only.

It is a problem for all York students regardless of which college they are affiliated to. Not least this is the case because students regardless of where they live have to use Vanbrugh College, if they are part of the history department, maths department or any society on campus that want to hold an event, or go to any YUSU Ents nights in Vanbrugh or even if they just need to wonder through there at night.

It is blatantly as much of an attack for these students who have to use the facilities in Vanbrugh College at night as it is for those who live there.

The reality of the situation is that if Vanbrugh College can survive losing a night porter for one year then it can happen in all colleges forever. The University has already stated that by 2002 there will only be four Lodges open for twenty-four hours on campus.

The priority now is for us all to demonstrate to show that the Vanbrugh system does not work in order to ensure that next year no other college will have to endure such a cut to their security. And even if you live in Halifax College and

have benefited from the Vanbrugh loss and are 99% certain that you will retain your 24hr cover, it is as much of an issue for you.

That’s the whole point of a union. An attack on one of our members or colleges is an attack on all of us. It is not a coincidence that so many students’ unions and trade unions around the country have the words ‘Unity is Strength’ embroidered on their banners (Look at our block grant, Unity is our biggest asset).

All to often the university likes to decide our loyalties for us. They talk about representation from the GSA, the OSA, the AU and the grass routes representation offered by the JCRC’s. Separating the priorities and loyalties of York Students in this way only serves to weaken our campaigns.

The fact is that there is only one Students’ Union at York and you are all equal stakeholders in it, with as much influence as the next person. Being a member of any of the other bodies does not make you immune from the services that YUSU provides. In fact as Students’ Union officers we are as accountable to the rugby player as we are to the postgraduate student simply because we are elected not exclusively by certain groups but by the whole of campus.

The 24hr portering campaign like so many of our other campaigns can only be won with the backing of all our membership. Vanbrugh student or not, you are still a member of YUSU, and therefore have as much of a right to be concerned about this cut in security. It is crucial to remember that the Vice Chancellor and Admin might not listen to 300 students and their parents’ concerns but will have to listen to 3,000.

If you want to get involved in this campaign or would like more information, get in touch with the Students’ Union.

Ffion Evans is YUSU President

editor@vision.york.ac.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

www.yorkvision.co.uk

JOIN THE FRONT! JAMESREVFRONT@HOTMAIL.COM WINNER OF THE NOUSE AWARD FOR INEXPLICABLE JOURNALISM

PHOTO NEWS

COMMENT : 8

TheSketch FROM THE JAMES REVOLUTIONARY FRONT

Conference Guests Offered Use Of 3rd Year Eng Lit Student

American Student Completes Full Sentence

MakDonald to add 'Executive Pleasuring' list of Guest Services DIRECTOR OF Facilities Management Ronald MakDonald has revealed plans to offer female students for the 'personal use' of conference guests.

This new and exciting 'diversification' of University services, is part of a package of increasing successful ventures aimed at reworking the tired image of York as a University. Past projects have included the exciting compulsory donation of livers of Derwent E block students to a visiting delegation of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the recent tender of MakDonald's own children to Winalot.

Phase one of the scheme is set to be a test bed, with 3rd Year Langwith Student Sara Rowntree to be 'converted' for the conference trade. The plan involves her being "rebranded" as 'Trixie La Bouche', and extensive cosmetic implants. Her Langwith room is to be redesigned by Lawrence Llewylen Bowen, decked in raw velvet and erotic object d'art, and replete with vibrating waterbed.

The SU Women's Officers and Welfare Officer Jenni Kaftan, have been swift in their criticism, issuing a joint statement condemning everyone. And Rowntree herself has since expressed her annoyance at not being consulted in any way, and at being put on the game so close to her finals.

In response, MakDonald was quick to emphasise he can "tout his bitches" however he wants. He also stressed his intention to "get medieval on the ass of any interferin' hoes."

"No Mutha can stop me" concluded MakDonald.

Interested parties in the student community and SU have been informed that Sara will be unavailable for use in term time.

YUSU unveils new Presidential Throne

Where are they now: Last year’s Sabbs

Left: Phone cards - coming to a business park near you soon!

Visoin in desperate attempt to gain reader interest

Year’s first UGM proves explosive

CORRECTION: "New YUSU magazine, Re:Hash, hailed as work of unbridled genius, brilliant in design and worthy of massive amounts of precious, precious sponsorship at the expense of vital services and award-winning societies".

This story we reported last week, and have since found to be untrue.

Walking with Conservatives

Daa Suu

The office remains on edge as the missing hole punch saga continues, unexpectedly interrupted by a quorate UGM. Meanwhile the 'who shot Don Juan' suspect list widens to include everyone who has ever met him. Including his imaginary friends.

CAST Don Juan Joe Pasquale Chairperson Iffans Joe Pesci Tim Smithurd James Gandolfini

UNION - JCRC Chair appearance at UGM indicates that SU Elections are only 4 months away.

PROTEST - Students demand a 'Right to Know' fund. Christian Union "Don't want to know"

6:00

7:30

PORTERING - York criminal community welcomes reform of portering system.

"Can you help us shift this telly?" comments loveable local scally.

MUSIC - 'Catholic Rock Soc' formed. First event, a talk entitled "Load up on Guns and Bring You Friends: Tackling Abortion Today", promises religion 'cranked up to 11'.

YSTV Lavish CGI documentary series featuring highly realistic depictions of the daily lives of campus Tories. Feeding in Derwent: Tories gather safely away from regular students in Derwent, where a diet of burgers, chips and coffee barely mask an atmosphere of mutual hatred and disgust.

NEWS IN BRIEF

WEB - SU Services Officer denies ineptitude after Union website goes missing: "If anyone has any idea where it might be, give me an email. Actually, better phone to be on the safe side".

GOODRICKE DINERS were shocked on Monday evening to hear Jo-Beth Kowalski, a UCLA student currently spending an academic year at York, accomplish the previously unthinkable feat of executing a grammatically-correct and syntactically sound whole sentence.

"We were sitting in Goodricke dining hall having a sandwich after a history tutorial, just chatting about music," her classmate Andrew Walker told The Sketch, "When Jo-Beth put forward her opinion that Sum 41 were the new Blink 182.

“What she said made perfect sense, was clear and audible and was almost entirely free of needlessly-inserted adjunctives. She raised her voice at the end of the phrase, as though it was a question, but by that stage no-one really cared.

We were all so proud of her we practically stood up and clapped."

When approached by The Sketch, the 20 year-old history major from San Quentin, TX, commented, "I was, like, totally y'know and whatever?"

8:00

We'll Meet Again… Every other Tuesday in Goodricke THE FIRST UGM of the term ended abruptly, as Chairperson Iffans activated the meeting’s self-destruct mechanism.

The device, allegedly installed in past decades to counter potential Socialist Worker insurgence, had never been used up to now.

Thought to be accidental, the thermo nuclear blast prevented any discussion on crucial motions, which would have mandated YUSU to support land reform in Uzbekistan and to lobby the US Supreme Court to free Lee Harvey Oswald.

Insiders have speculated that the detonation was no coincidence, given that it coincided with the budget's passing and AU members taking to their monogrammed escape pods. The four people that remained were left with no choice but evacuate, with less than five minutes to

reach minimum safe distance. Discussion of the 'Kit Kat=Anti-Christ' motion was deferred.

The detonation has reduced large sections of Goodricke to an irradiated wasteland, populated by an assortment of ghouls and mutants, struggling to eke an existence out of the glowing ashes.

Former occupants of Goodricke C Block have welcomed the improvement in their living conditions, adding that things "Have never been better save the pitched battles over tinned food and shotguns."

Sources on Goodricke JCRC have also commented that their radioactive zombiefied population may come in useful come YUSU election time.

"Mae'n chwith gen i!" said a red faced Iffans. The Self Destruct device, provided

by Jarvis, carries a £100 misuse fee.

Band of Brother

The most expensive YSTV serial ever made! Follow the dramatic true-life exploits of the experimental one-man company of WWII infantry in their adventures in the 'quiet places' of the European Theatre, where topiary and fountains were common. This week - Jones has to watch his own back, even though he is his own most hated enemy. Guest starring a wheelie bin as the evil Nazi Robot, X3.

9:00

FILM: Halifax Court Cop

Action and thrills aplenty as a tough porter from the mean walkways of Vanbrugh takes a vacation in Halifax Court - to track down the evil JCR Head who made far too much noise on the night before his nephew's French Symbolism paper. There's so much action, he might just stay! *** Don't forget, November is Infanticide Month… only on YSTV! *** Do you enjoy chewing on the reconstituted carcasses of anaemic livestock?

Fancy a sandwich containing no less than 5% genuine food matter*?

Interested in a 200% mark up on a bottle of sugary water tasting suspiciously like your own sweat glands?

Then visit CORNER

CUTTER your campus supermarket

Value is not our middle name!

How could it be? Are we a real person? No, of course not. Imbeciles. (*As defined by the European Union)

www.yorkvision.co.uk

politics@vision.york.ac.uk

POLITICS

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

POLITICS : 9

War in Afghanistan

‘Poor Man’s Atom Bomb’ Moving In Mark Waffel

IN THE aftermath of the attacks on September 11th, many newspaper commentators were quick to assert that the world would never be the same again.

Most people in western countries were afraid of further terrorist strikes. In many newspapers, articles about the ease of availability and use of chemical and biological weapons, could be found.

Yet, although the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon had been unconventional and horrific, the threat of an attack involving chemical and biological weapons seemed far fetched. After all, the weapons used to hijack the four planes were knives and carpet-cutters. Letters laced with anthrax, sent to various TV stations in New York and to the office of Senate majority leader Tom Daschle however, made it evident that an extensive terror campaign was in the making.

This time biological weapons were being used to terrify the American public.

The terrorists clearly achieved their aim, as the news of the outbreaks lead to a panic buying of antibiotics. All over America the police received phone calls reporting further attacks, some of which were hoaxes, many the result of genuine concern. After the initial shock Americans started to calm down. Only one person had died so far and although the House of Representatives and all Congressional office buildings had been closed, the terrorist threat seemed quite limited. Many of the anthrax infections merely caused skin sores, which are treatable with antibiotics.

Then suddenly, two postal workers employees of a postal sorting office in north east Washington - died of pulmonary anthrax. Prior to their deaths, the authorities had believed, that as the letters containing anthrax had been sealed, they had posed no threat to the postal workers who had handled them. The authorities' oversight and the discovery of anthrax in several new locations lead to a renewed sense

Letter sent to Sen. Daschle of alarm.

Uncertainty still surrounds the nature of the anthrax found. At first the authorities claimed the anthrax sent to the office of Sen. Daschle was of manufactured potency. A bioterrorism expert at the Health Department said 'there's been some attempt to collect it, perhaps refine it and perhaps make it more concentrated'. One senator declared that it had been cate-

gorised as 'weapons grade'. These claims were refuted, when it was announced that the anthrax was a natural strain. Later reports from the White House though, suggest that the bacteria was developed in a 'sophisticated medical laboratory but not necessarily one that was state sponsored'.

The US authorities hope that identifying the strain of the bacteria, might indicate who is responsible for the attacks.

Obvious suspects are bin Laden and the alQaida network. The finger of suspicion has also been pointed at Iraq. On October 27th however, senior FBI and CIA officials announced that the attacks were most likely carried out by US extremists and not linked to al-Qaida at all. One official said that 'everything seems to lean toward a domestic source. Nothing seems to fit with an overseas terrorist type operation'.

The main obstacle to anthrax being used as a weapon of mass destruction is deliverance. But if terrorists were able to release it in large enough volumes, by using a crop dusting aircraft for example, many thousands of lives would be at risk.

For this reason and the fact that anthrax is relatively cheap to produce, it has been called 'the poor man's atom bomb'.

So far the recent attacks have been relatively small in scale. Yet they have proven to be very effective in spreading terror, as it is difficult for the American public to get a clear picture of the threat they are facing. If public authorities are to calm people's fears, they will need to show that the risks to most Americans are very small and that those most vulnerable to attacks are being sufficiently protected.

Please don’t leave us Tom Luthman GEORGE W Bush has managed to gather the support of an enormous world-wide coalition to help with his "War on Terrorism". But just how united is this coalition? How likely is continued Muslim support for the US - and for (theoretically) the destruction of the most hard-line Islamic regime in the world?

The alliance is certainly unprecedented in its scope - virtually every country in the world has condemned the terrorist attacks on New York, including traditionally hostile countries such as Libya and Iran, although many countries are not offering anything other than moral support.

America's Cold War opponent, Russia, has offered its airspace for humanitarian missions; former Soviet republics, such as Tajikistan and Uzbekistan, are supporting the US with promises of the use of airbases, although this is not so much an ideological affinity as a service in return for massive financial aid from America, in the form of new loans and debt relief. Britain is sending in troops, and has backed up the US attacks with air sorties of its own, although as yet no other countries are contributing militarily.

However, although the coalition is large, it is undoubtedly unstable. Muslim countries pose the greatest threat to unity, but there are problems even within Europe. In Germany, the Greens are threatening to desert Gerhard Schröder's fragile SPD coalition if support for the war continues. France, being a country with a population of five million Muslims, and one with a history of Islamic terrorism, is unlikely to offer troops for fear of being seen as a participant in a war on Islam.

The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, has already caused trouble by referring to Western civilisation as "superior" to Arabic civilisation, although leading Western figures have sought to play down his remarks.

If this seems unsteady, then take a look at what is happening in the Middle

East. The West's most important allies in the region - Arafat of the PLO, Mubarak of Egypt and Fahd of Saudi Arabia - are all extremely vulnerable to Islamic fundamentalist uprisings in their own countries, and support for the US is deeply unpopular amongst ordinary Muslims. Arafat is out of favour after years of apparently fruitless negotiations with the Israelis, and is losing support to terrorist groups such as Hamas and Islamic Jihad.

German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder.

Hesitant, like many others Mubarak and Fahd are presiding over drastic economic downturns in their own countries. If any of these leaders are toppled, and none of them looks secure, the future of the coalition will look very bleak. A new, populist leader would be unlikely to support the coalition, and if one Middle Eastern country broke ranks, more would probably follow.

Even this pales into insignificance when compared to the problems in Pakistan. The country where the Taliban was forged, and where millions of Afghan refugees have sought shelter, is dangerously unstable. On the day General Colin

Powell, the American Secretary of State, arrived in Pakistan for talks, a poll was published showing that four-fifths of Pakistanis disapproved of Musharraf's support for America.

To make matters worse, the holy month of Ramadan is soon approaching, and if bombing raids continue, ordinary Muslims the world over will show even less support for the US. At the moment, the situation in Pakistan appears to be under control, largely because the military still supports its leader, but how much longer it stays this way is crucial.

So what are the prospects of continued support? Essentially, it comes down to the effectiveness of America's campaign.

The euphemism "collateral damage" is one that will probably be used in the near future - already America has admitted that it accidentally hit a Red Cross warehouse, and in the last few days, civilian areas in Afghanistan have been destroyed.

The village of Karam, a suburb of the town of Tarin Kot and an old people's home in Herat have all been demolished by stray bombs, causing dozens of deaths.

Seven children were killed on Sunday when a bombing error led to the destruction of some mud huts outside Kabul.

Front-page reports in national newspapers are leading to dissent here in Britain - the effects in Pakistan and the Middle East are magnified many times over.

It will not take many more casualties for Muslim countries to stop supporting the US - indeed, it remains to be seen whether American approval of its own bombing raids will continue at its current high point. Levels of support from Muslim countries at the moment are high (at least at governmental level) because of financial and diplomatic concerns rather than because of a genuine agreement with the words of Bush. If the war drags on, or if it is extended to include other targets, such as Iraq, then support from even moderate Muslim countries may end altogether: Bush cannot win a global war just by paying off his enemies.

David Slater

THE DECISION to send British and American ground troops into Afghanistan was inevitable given the terms of the socalled ‘war on terrorism’. In President Bush's words the western alliance want Osama bin Laden 'dead or alive'.

Certainly this aim was not going to be achieved by air campaigns. Air attacks certainly can destroy 'terrorist training camps', large groups of Taliban forces and slaughter civilians but they are useless as an assassination tool. The idea that the terrorists were going to stand around in their camps waiting to be bombed or that bin Laden would stay in one place waiting for the inevitable blow of 'justice' is absurd and the military planners know

grounds of self-defence.

While both governments have expressed disapproval with the assassinations of leading Palestinians by Israel both have equally expressed readiness to use exactly the same state terrorist methods against al-Qa'ida. Quite apart from the lack of evidence against bin Laden (the 'evidence' presented by the British government was nothing more than an assumption of guilt) there is a moral imperative that extradition for trial be pursued before military action.

The second issue is the effectiveness of ground troops. While the alliance has vastly superior killing technology than the Taliban it may well find itself in a similar position to the Soviets. Presumably the aim of the war must be to end the terrorist

They’re not just in the sky anymore this.

There are two major issues concerning the use of ground-troops. Firstly there is the moral issue, an aspect almost completely neglected by the mainstream media. In some respects the introduction of ground troops is morally preferable to an air campaign.

In theory ground troops are unlikely to commit the 'blunders' that result in innocent people being maimed and killed and which are inevitable if you are dropping high explosives onto populated areas from 5,000 feet. Expressions of 'regret' for such acts are frankly sickening; can you imagine the reaction to Osama bin Laden if he admitted to the New York and Washington atrocities but said he 'regret-

An outright invasion can only further opposition to the Americans and any government they try to impose ted' the deaths?

Even if we accept that civilian deaths are 'accidental', the introduction of ground troops will not lessen them. For one thing the bombing shows no sign of letting up.

Also many of the deaths at the hands of US/British forces happen as a result of attacks on designated targets. The deaths of dozens of people in Karum was a result of out of date intelligence, Such atrocities are just as likely to be committed unwittingly by ground troops as during bombing raids. Ultimately while ground troops will have a lower chance of killing the innocent it is still inevitable that civilians will be killed accidentally by soldier's bullets.

Another moral issue raised by the use of ground troops is whether they should be allowed to assassinate bin Laden. Both the US and Britain have indicated this is the case yet they have no grounds for doing so, except the rather dubious

threat to the western world and, as a means to this aim, remove the Taliban and capture or kill bin Laden. Yet, for Americans or British troops to kill bin Laden would be to increase the risk of terrorism against the west, not lessen it. Our experience of the IRA hunger strikers should have taught us that a martyr is the surest way to swell terrorist's ranks. To capture bin Laden for trial would equally result in the risk of hijackings seeking to free him.

The attacks on Afghanistan have only served to aid the Taliban's position and generate more supporters, just as was the case in Serbia. An outright invasion can only serve to create further opposition to the Americans and any government they try to impose at the end of the war, as one anti-Taliban Afghani is quoted as saying "I see the Pakistanis and the Americans and the Taliban and Osama as all the same."

American army recruitment stations have apparently been inundated with new recruits saying things like "It's pay back time." Do the US and Britain really believe that a sustained bombing campaign followed by a hostile invasion won't lead to similar boosts in recruitment for the Taliban fighters and bin Laden's terrorists for the same reason?

The Pentagon's 'surprise' at the Taliban's resilience suggests so. Had the Americans made a show of seeking a peaceful solution, presenting evidence to the Taliban and ensuring that violence was genuinely the last resort rather than the first response (as the UN charter demands) the Taliban might have divided and collapsed and all this could have been avoided.

A response of readjusting foreign policy, providing aid to the people of Afghanistan, reconsidering military support for Israel, in fact generally treating the Middle East as something other than an oil field to be exploited would have eroded the support for the so-called fundamentalists. The simple fact is that we are committing terrorist acts every bit as bad as the atrocities in New York and Washington, sending in ground troops will only ensure the continued growth of anti western terror and precipitate mounting 'collateral damage,' soldiers, civilians, Afghans, Americans and British alike.

For more coverage of the war in Afghanistan, Northern Ireland and other issues, as well as the unedited versions of all articles, log on to www.yorkvision.co.uk

10 : POLITICS yorkVision November 7th 2001

politics@vision.york.ac.uk

www.yorkvision.co.uk

Defending the offensive Recent surveys have shown that the British public’s backing of the war in Afghanistan has faltered. Carl Knight assesses the anti-war arguments THE ANTI-WAR movement insists that the so-called War on Terrorism is no more than a display of Western (principally American) power, the continuation of an imperialist policy doomed to engender continued anger in the Muslim world and breed future generations of terrorists. The advocates of the War are dismissed as narrow-minded, blood-thirsty crusaders, hellbent on retribution - any retribution - to restore the United States’ damaged pride.

The war-mongers ignore the real causes of the September 11 attacks, which are

Without intervention there is no reason to doubt that the misery the Taliban bring will be inflicted on generations to come the sanctions against Iraq, the Western military presence in the Middle East, the US backing for oppressive regimes in various Muslim countries, and, above all, the US support for Israel. The real solution to terrorism, the No War people tell us, is to resolve these issues: to lift the sanctions, withdraw the troops, leave Arab governance to the people, and end for good the economic and military backing which props up the continued persecution of the

Palestinians. This won't be done though, they say with a shake of the head, because of oil, so instead 'we' pound some of the poorest people on the planet into the ground. Not in my name!

What I personally find most remarkable about this synopsis is that I agree with most of its prescriptions. The death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children is a disgrace for which the West should never be forgiven, while the inequity visited on the Palestinians is patent. Yet for all this I would still find the War justifiable. How so?

Suppose that tomorrow - implausible as this may seem - George 'Dubya' Bush underwent a Damascene conversion to these policies, establishing a generously sized Palestinian state, withdrawing altogether from the Middle East, and generally being nice to Muslim countries. What would this achieve? Well, we might see an escalation of tensions around the Gulf without the Western military constraint on Iraq's expansionist tendencies, maybe resulting in the re-annexation of Kuwait; and no doubt Israel and Jewish communities in the West would kick up one hell of a stink. But these might reasonably be thought to be prices worth paying to close off these sources of (justifiable) Islamic discontent and the (unjustifiable) terrorism it gives rise to.

But the question remains: what about Afghanistan? If these policies were carried out Osama bin Laden and his associates in Afghanistan would still go without punishment - indeed they would seem to have received considerable political rewards for their efforts. What's more, the Taliban who harbour them would remain very much in

power. This sets a dangerous precedent, for however reasonable the Palestinian cause may be, the world will have seen that it was mass murder which realised it.

While we might expect Islamic terrorism to decline markedly, it is clearly untrue that all motives for terrorism would be eliminated by the No War 'solution' terrorism is certainly not an exclusively Muslim problem, as the people of

on countries protecting terrorists would be removed. The consequences are obvious: more terrorism, not less.

Another outcome of non-intervention in Afghanistan would be a continuation of the Taliban tyranny and its human rights abuses. Without intervention there is no reason to doubt that the Taliban will remain the dominant power in Afghanistan, so the misery they bring will

Justifiable?

Northern Ireland and Catalonia might testify. Any organisation, no matter how unreasonable their claim may be, would find that provided they could carry out sufficiently large scale terrorist activity, and find a friendly country to harbour them, they could achieve their goals with immunity from retaliation. Further, once it was found that such countries would not be targeted in response, the main restraint

be inflicted on generations to come - millions of murders might be anticipated.

Even if they were overthrown at some point, the war leading to this would surely have similar refugee-generating effects. In such a war nothing is gained over the present one and plenty could be lost, as without external influence there could be no guarantee that the new government would be any better than the Taliban (the main

opposition at present, the Northern Alliance, aren't exactly on Amnesty International's Christmas card list).

An alternative, supposedly realist objection is that there is no point in overthrowing the Taliban as any replacement government is likely to be just as bad (from a Western point of view). It is probably true that a new administration would be Islamist, maybe radically so; but all that is needed in order to justify the Taliban's removal is that the incoming government not carry out routine murders and tortures for innocuous religious 'offences'. Full blown democracy, the bugbear of the antiWesterner, is not necessary to ensure this; all that is required is power sharing between the various ethnic groups.

Finally the No War campaigner might say that I am being extraordinarily naive if I think the War is about Afghan human rights - it is about Western power. I would have to concede this is true - I don't remember any talk of invasion on September 10th. The war may not be being conducted for humanitarian reasons, but if a decrease in the net balance of suffering is the long-term result, is the motivation really so important?

Some on the Left seem to dogmatically insist that anything America does is wrong. No doubt American governments have always acted out of self-interest, and their inequitable policy supporting Israel and certain pro-American Muslim regimes, and its policy concerning Iraq, reflects this. However, in the case of the War on Terrorism US interest coincides with that of humanitarianism. War is always a terrible thing, and this war is no exception; but given the need to set an anti-terrorist precedent, and the less publicly acknowledged long-term duty to protect the human rights of the Afghan people, there really is no alternative.

Inhumane war Fiscal front Peter Edwards

Alex Lloyd

FOR MOST people, the worst part of the horrendous attacks on America on September 11 was the awful human tragedy that occured. The realisation of frailty of life was starkly illustrated as we watched the unexpected deaths of thousands of innocent people live on television. In such circumstances, you would think the world would be moved to do all it can to protect life. Instead, a war is raging in Afghanistan that will certainly see the number of innocent lives affected by this whole sorry affair climb as a humanitarian crisis unfolds before our very eyes.

The UN World Food Program says 7.5 million Afghans are facing starvation due to years of drought and civil war. With harsh winter setting in, aid agencies fear that they will be unable to reach those in need. Already there is an increasing gap in food resources received in Afghanistan.

The UN estimates foodstuffs imported per month have fallen from 50,000 to just 20,000 tons, a result of closed borders and hazardous conditions created by the bombing campaign.

This humanitarian crisis has been in evidence since America first began to point the finger towards the Taliban. Just the threat of military strikes caused an estimated 60% of the urban population to abandon the major cities for rural areas and neighbouring states in late September.

It is estimated that 3.5 million Afghans are currently seeking refuge in Pakistan and Iran. These neighbouring states already exist with incredibly sensitive internal situations. Pakistan, which seems to be bearing the brunt of the refugee crisis, was already highly volatile to begin with and leaders of the country are facing a difficult balancing act.

The UN, together with numerous charities, have pleaded with the US to halt the bombing to allow aid to get through before the winter arrives. These calls seem to have fallen on deaf ears as governments cite the millions they are putting aside for aid proudly. For some reason, governments feel war to be justifiable nowadays if they accompany it with aid. The general public seem to be able to ease their guilty consciences if they are fed images through the television of air-dropped meals and are

Afghan Refugees fleeing Kabul made to feel good about how 'humanitarian' our belligerent governments are being.

In truth, these parcels amount to no more than one percent of what's needed.

This is covered up by the propaganda machines that have swung into place since the attacks began. In recent days the Renton Group, a PR firm with offices in Boston and Washington, have been awarded a four month contract worth $397,000 to help the Pentagon look good while they bomb Afghanistan. The deal includes an option to renew through most of 2002 as the war looks highly likely to last a good deal longer than the original plan.

Terrorism is not going to be wiped out by bombing the Afghans. Most of the terrorist networks are situated in other parts

After September 11th, you would think the world would be moved to do all it can to protect life

of the world, far more advanced and equipped than Afghanistan. Is this really the intelligent solution? Or are the USA and the West using this opportunity to do all the things they normally couldn't justify in order to mould the world into their vision of what is right? The belligerent powers have seemed to take on the idea of a crusade, with Tony Blair talking of the human rights suffering of the women of Afghanistan under the Taliban. But is their current plight any less because it is not perpetuated by their own government?

And how is it that our government did not seem all that interested before and was desperate to turn away those who sought asylum from this horrific regime?

The victims of the terrorist attacks in America were innocent people whose deaths were completely unjustified. The deaths of the citizens of Afghanistan as a result of our attempts to 'get even' are exactly the same. At the end of the conflict, those civilians who are 'killed accidentally' may not add up to the same numbers as in America but those who die as a result of the humanitarian catastrophe resulting from the war certainly will.

Terrorists thrive on destruction. It seems that the USA and her allies have taken the bait and are allowing a circle of violence to engulf our world. Can we really turn a blind eye to the suffering we are causing? The stronger side seeks justice and forgiveness, not bloody revenge.

IT HAS now emerged that America's war on terrorism will go on indefinitely. It is also clear just how hard a task it is to find Osama bin Laden, and that there is only a limited amount that President Bush can do to track al-Qeada's movements and future plans. Therefore, as the bombing continues, the war must be fought on the economic front as well, for it will be mark of a bin Laden victory if the American economy becomes paralysed.

Americans have been cancelling holidays due to the potential dangers of travel, and perceived guilt at pleasures obtained whilst thousands of others mourn.

American retail spending has also gone down considerably. It is now up to Bush to reassure Americans that not only is consumer expenditure not heartless, it is also vital to the long term survival of the American economy.

It is self-evident that America's economic fortunes have a bearing on our own, so we should watch events in Wall Street with interest. Britain has enjoyed 37 consecutive quarters of economic growth, over nine years since the nadir of the last recession. Despite the consumer ascetism currently seen in America, recent firures showed that between July and September, the British economy expanded by 0.6%.

Having weathered the initial economic storm, our economy is in relatively good shape, and the Chancellor could still achieve the lower end of his target range for growth. Gordon Brown would undoubtedly be relieved were a growth figure of 2.25% to be recorded.

The condition in the Eurozone is somewhat different, with Germany slipping ever nearer to full scale recession.

Inflation has fallen much sharper than expected, from 3.4% in May to 2.4% in September. JP Morgan predict that by the end of 2002 Eurozone growth will be down to 1%. The European Central Bank has left interest rates at 3.75%, although it joined the Federal Reserve in cutting rates by 0.5% in the aftermath of the attacks.

Germany's problems are different to America's because the Europeans have suffered a gradual decline in growth, but both the ECB and the Fed need to make further interest rate cuts to halt the oncom-

ing signs of recession.

As with so much in the last month, the world looks to Mr Bush for clues as to the economic future. He must fight this war not only on the military front, but on the fiscal front. Once Americans start spending en masse again, then one of bin Laden's objectives would have failed. It would add huge misfortune to previously unthinkable levels of suffering if thousands more in America were to lose their jobs as an indirect result of these attacks.

Unsurprisingly, airlines were amongst the first sections of business to make post September 11th job cuts. Further redundancies are also expected in other areas, with travel and tourism sure to be hit

It would add huge misfortune to previously unthinkable levels of suffering if thousands of jobs were lost as an result of these attacks hardest. Success for the ground troops in Afghanistan and the survival of the international coalition should help to boost consumer confidence in the short run, but in the long term changes have to be made.

The West's dependence on Middle Eastern trade routes for the procurement of oil has long been a source of concern. It is now a matter of environmental, financial and political importance for other forms of power generation to be put into widespread use. If this is not done, then every wobble in the Middle East will send panic through the American and European markets. The challenges are their for Mr. Bush, as he must fight a war on several fronts. If he helps to secure Western economic and political stability, then his place in history will be assured. If he fails in these objectives, we will all be paying the price for decades.

www.yorkvision.co.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

politics@vision.york.ac.uk

POLITICS : 11

Anybody there? ‘Palestine’?

Listen to me!

Gavin Aitchison

ONE COULD be forgiven for thinking that the entire Conservative press office has been on holiday for the past month, such has been the lack of media coverage of the party in recent weeks. The occasional comment on governmental activity, and a few space-filling reports in the corners of the political pages has been the extent of the Tory's media presence, at a time when one may have expected them to be trying to establish themselves under their new leadership.

The Tories' low-profile in recent weeks may have surprised many, however the decision is most probably a very good one. As one political correspondent noted, "People can't dislike you if they don't know you're there". In keeping quiet, the Tories can perhaps steadily reduce the vitriol with which they are viewed by vast sections of the electorate.

After the disastrous last few years under William Hague, the Conservatives have increasingly been portrayed as the regressive alternative to New Labour's all-

spinning all-dancing modern approach to politics. Hague took over a party in the political depths, yet somehow found a way to take the party even further downhill, with a combination of policies, tactics and language which were never going to find favour with the electorate. By the time Hague resigned, in the aftermath of June's spectacular election failure, it was evident that the Tories had wasted four years of rebuilding time, and had gained an unwanted image as an outdated, out of touch, and overly right-wing party.

Before the Conservatives can start taking a productive and successful role in parliamentary debate, they must first regain some public respect. Under the leadership of the recently elected Iain Duncan Smith, the Conservative view seems to be that they can gain that respect by avoiding controversy, and quite simply, not saying anything stupid. Such an approach may well be proved right.

The election of Duncan Smith seemed to be an act of sheer folly by the Conservative Party, who had apparently learnt nothing from the mistake of four years earlier, and elected another staunch right-winger. Duncan Smith is no doubt fully aware of the need to improve the party's damaged image, and his pursuit of respectability through anonymity is possibly the best way to do so.

A further reason for the Conservatives' low profile of late is the absence of anything major to disagree with the government over. The political agenda has been dominated by the war against terrorism, and the Northern Ireland peace process. The decommissioning in Ireland has of course met with universal support, (albeit with an accompanying cautionary note in some quarters) and the government has been widely praised for its perseverance of a lasting peace in the area, which may now finally be rewarded.

Meanwhile, with British troops on the verge of war in Afghanistan, cross-party political unity is of great importance. With a strong international coalition against ter-

Tony Blair is enjoying the sort of support from Conservative MPs which they have scarcely even given their own leaders in recent years. rorism, and wide support for Tony Blair's active support of the USA, Conservative dissension is as unlikely as it is unadvisable.

Instead, the Conservatives have been avidly pursuing their policy of not saying anything controversial. Tony Blair is enjoying the sort of support from Conservative MPs which they have scarcely even given their own leaders in recent years. This recent policy of keeping a low profile is understandable and justifiable. The Conservatives appear to be gradually shedding their unmodern image, and there is at least an appearance of party unity after several years of well-publicised disharmony within the party.

However, sooner or later the Conservatives will have to attempt to move forward, and reestablish themselves as a genuine alternative to New Labour.

Quiet diligence is all very well in regaining respect, however if Iain Duncan Smith is to stand any chance of getting elected in four or five years time, then he has to do more to alert the public to his own policies and ideas. For whilst anonymity is all very well in helping to rid oneself of an undesirable image, it does nothing to generate a particularly positive one, and can only go so far in helping the Conservatives in their bid to return to office.

The Insider’s Report Rory Palmer CURTAILED PARTY conferences, a shortened Trade Union Congress (TUC) and the election of a bald bloke as Tory leader. Quite a quiet summer for the ground troops of the Westminster Village you might think. On the contrary I would say. I have been lucky enough to have spent the summer working in Parliament for a Labour MP, and I have just returned from the Labour Party's curtailed annual conference in Brighton.

Prior to the events of September 11th all were expecting a carnival of celebration at Labour's conference; a coming

Prior to the events of September 11th all were expecting a carnival of celebration at Labour's conference together in light of the historical second term. The TUC was going to be a missile attack on the Government over the proposed public-private partnership programmes. The chalk marks on the missiles would have read GMB and Unison.

However, after the events in the USA - of which I cannot find words to express my anger and sadness - many a script was changed; and rightly so.

It was on Tuesday 11th September that the Prime Minister was due to address the TUC. However the speech was not made. The debate about public-private partnerships resurfaced at Labour's Brighton congregation. This debate has

been bubbling without ferocity for quite a while; John Monks, the General Secretary of the TUC addressed the Trade Union group of MPs back in July. At conference the debate did not surface with the anticipated explosions of anger. The GMB vented much of their anger in private, with heated anti-government comments rumoured to be dominating the GMB's many fringe gatherings.

The public service debate is one that will continue. The Government knows this and was keen to acknowledge the sentiments expressed by all those in favour or against the proposals. Podium time a plenty was given to key ministers in this debate. Significantly it was Estelle Morris, Stephen Byers and the ever cool Alan Milburn who were wheeled out for an informal question-answer session with delegates.

You could feel the excitement amongst Unison delegates. They were like paratroops in the plane, reserving all their adrenalin for the moment they were landed, ready and waiting to go into battle.

Sadly, only one Unison delegate was given chance to ask a question. The answer, a typically clinical rebuttal from Alan Milburn.

Europe was another issue discussed at length in various forums at conference.

Britain in Europe, a pro-European campaign group maintained a high profile and along with some unions, including the ISTC, continued to ask the government for some clarity on the Euro issue. The ISTC and other manufacturing unions see Euro entry as crucial for the future of manufacturing in the UK. Similar verses were recited in volume at the TUC. Conference season rightly passed with a sombre sincerity. As the Prime Minister embarked on his admirable missions of global diplomacy, developments at home were not giving him much to relax about either. Railtrack was realised to be useless, and - to the anger of shareholders - a massive restructuring of the rail network was embarked upon. Although maybe the col-

lapse of Railtrack is just a ploy to bury Jo Moore. The Jo Moore situation was unfortunate, a clearly talented spinette has seen lynch mobs after her blood. And why?

Moore was simply doing her job, and doing it well. The simple logic of the infamous e-mail matched with the diamond hard nerve is simply what Moore is supposed to do. Rightly no body has resigned or been sacked.

Many will realise that there are more pressing matters; such as a war or restructuring the almost moribund rail network.

Jo Moore - smiling through the spin Not to mention the dynamic reform of public services or reconfiguring student finance systems, as mentioned by Blair, Brown and Estelle Morris. That is what the second term will be about. As suggested by conference and within the bars and corridors of Parliament public services will be improved; that is what Ministers want to do, and it is what people want to see. And the spin? Well, the spin will simply be buried by delivery. I hope.

Sharif Hamadeh SPEAKING AT a recent National Student Conference Against the War in London, Simon Burnham of the Campaign for Palestinian Rights told his audience that 'The war on Afghanistan has brought the question of Palestine to the fore.' Indeed since 11th September there have been numerous examples of British and American leaders and politicians publicly voicing support for a Palestinian state (with Jack Straw breaking all the taboos when he went as far as to pronounce the word 'Palestine' whilst on a visit to Iran).

Blair's recent speech in which he suggests that Osama bin Laden has 'hijacked the Palestinian cause' echoes the sentiments of Yasser Arafat's spokesmen, who had appealed to Britain and the West to remove the 'weapon' of the Palestinian cause from the clutches of bin Laden.

Similarly, President Bashir Al Assad of Syria spoke of 'pulling the rug from under the terrorists' by combating the underlying causes of tension in the world.

The current political climate has created an air of guarded optimism in the Arab world for the prospects of a reinvigorated 'peace process'. Ariel Sharon has recently announced his intention to hold peace talks with the Palestinians personally. But has anything been achieved so far?

the Palestinian resistance to occupation with the wider 'War Against Terrorism' have so far been met only with words of criticism and contradiction from Washington, now eager to maintain its fragile coalition with Muslim and Arab countries in the face of increasing dissent.

If Sharon has felt insulted by some of the recent comments emanating from Washington and the international community, many ordinary Israelis are also confused. Echoing the questions on the streets of Israel, writer David Grossman commented 'It is…astounding that Israel was not invited to participate in the anti-terrorism coalition while Syria and Iran were.'

For many Israelis the rebuttals from Bush have stung deep. But, as was the case during the Gulf War, the United States knows that the coalition it has struggled to build would collapse immediately if Israel became an active member.

The recent incursions have underlined many of the grievances Arab states hold against Israel and its policies, and have caused unease in Washington where the State Department was quick to demand an 'immediate withdrawal'.That these incursions have included Christian towns and cities, most notably Bethlehem has been cause for particular concern.

The Mayor of Bethlehem, Mr Hanna Nasser described the Israeli offensive;

Prime Minister Tony Blair and Syrian President Bashir al-Assad After ten days of reoccupation, Israel's tanks and soldiers finally left the predominantly Christian towns of Bethlehem and Beit Jala in the West Bank on October 29th. In addition to the dozens of Palestinians killed and injured, the Israeli forces left behind them the burnt carcasses of shops and the collapsed rubble of bulldozed homes; the scars and souvenirs of occupation that have become all too familiar to the Palestinians since the Al Aqsa Intifada began over a year ago. But whilst the residents of Bethlehem and Beit Sahour have been picking through the damage and counting their dead, Israeli tanks and troops have remained in the Palestinian cities of Jenin, Qalqilya, Tulkarem and Ramalleh.

Ostensibly a military operation designed to arrest or kill several militants wanted in connection with the October 17th assassination of Israel's Tourism Minister, Rechavam Ze'evi, this recent aggression gives the lie to the rhetoric of Mr Sharon. Whilst Israelis have argued that the incursions are the direct result of Arafat refusing to arrest and extradite the men Israel suspects of being responsible for the death of Ze'evi, many Palestinians have voiced concern that this is merely a pretext for Sharon's attempt to finally destroy the Palestinian administration.

In defending his decision to order the severest military offensive since the Al Aqsa Intifada began, Sharon has attempted to address the assassination of an Israeli minister as if it were an unprecedented act of 'terror'. The reality is somewhat different; for not only has Israel openly led a campaign of assassinating Palestinian politicians and militants throughout the Intifada - over sixty of them to date, including the leader of the PFLP, who claim responsibility for Ze'evi's murder but Israel recently marked the sixth anniversary of the assassination of Prime Minister Yitzhak Rabin, who was shot not by a Palestinian extremist, but by Yigal Amir, an Israeli religious fanatic.

Since the September 11th attacks in New York, Sharon has been acting as an opportunist; immediately tightening Israel's stranglehold upon the Palestinians whilst media attention was diverted away from the conflict, and describing Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat as 'our own bin Laden.' However, Sharon's attempts to tie in Israel's suppression of

‘While Bethlehem residents were praying during Sunday mass, Israeli occupation soldiers fired at the Church of Nativity’.

The EU countries that donated substantial funds in order to give Bethlehem a 'face lift' for the Millennium celebrations are no doubt now wishing they had withheld their generosity until after this recent invasion.

Six days into the reoccupation of Bethlehem, a large international delegation of church leaders and diplomats took part in a protest march from Jerusalem via the Bethlehem checkpoint, to Manger Square, Beit Jala, and then to 'Aida refugee camp. According to BADIL Resource Centre, the Israeli army responded by quickly taking measures to 'sanitize the war zone, removing all tanks from the checkpoint and streets of Bethlehem/Beit Jala and allowing UNRWA [United Nations Relief and Works Agency] for the first time in six days to enter 'Aida and 'Azza refugee camps.' Unfortunately the army resumed

The recent Israeli incursions have underlined many of the grievances Arab states hold against Israel and its policies its fire immediately after the 'distinguished demonstrators' had left.

The high number of civilian casualties and the scale of the damage has elicited condemnation from the Pope for the actions of the IDF, which Palestinian officials have said amount to 'massacres.'

But if Israel's actions have caused alarm in the United States, their financial commitment to Israel has not been affected. Even as Israel was refusing to comply with the demands of the State Department, the Senate voted 96-2 in favour of approving the annual foreign aid package that sees Israel getting $2.76 billion. Of this total, $760 million will be donated in civilian aid, whilst $2 billion is earmarked for defence purchases in the United States.

12 : LIFESTYLE yorkVision

Hit Or Miss?

Pete Biggs AVOID Elton John buying Eminem's sunglasses - doesn't he know what homophobic means?

Getting rained on in the queue for buses back from Ikon - especially crap when you get stuck next to the world's biggest twat in the queue.

November 7th 2001

LIFESTYLE

Is modern love a slave to plastic? Laura Hamilton investigates the price of romance OK, SO it may not be Christmas quite yet (despite the best efforts of department stores to convince us otherwise). And we can sleep quite soundly in the knowledge that we’ll be safe from any hideous pinktinged whiff of the farce that is St Valentine’s Day for a little while yet - give it, ooh, two months at the most. But nevertheless, I have recently found myself thinking about presents.

The stimulus has come from a picturedominated article in one of the National ‘newspapers’ (the inverted commas

Michael Jackson - Just generally. His nose is more interesting than his music.

Wheelie bins - We forgot to put ours out. Shit.

The clocks going back - It's all dark and depressing, and it's only five o'clock.

Horrible barmen - Why won't you serve me? What have I ever done to you?

She’s gotta have it, and the watch...

Sparkly red accessories - Essential with those devil outfits.

Kylie - Oh, so you love her new single do you? Did you buy her last album?

Glasweigans - Does anyone else find that accent sexy, or is it just me?

Cheap clubs - Have you tried going out at the weekend recently? I'm not planning on getting a mortgage for a few years yet.

Track Records - Can't find a single anywhere? They'll have it for three quid. Great.

The camp men off BBC 1 in the morning - Apparently they're not actually going out.

Jobs that start early - Get paid to recover from that hangover.

The boy who rang North Yorkshire Police claiming to be Osama bin Laden - I mean, we don't think it's big or clever, but do you think they believed him?

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Love the Posh way

Christmas decorations in October - If Christmas gets earlier every year, will it be Christmas all the time soon?

TARGET

lifestyle@vision.york.ac.uk

employed due to the often doubtful usage of this term).

This piece concerned itself with that mighty symbol of the greatness of contemporary British culture, the nation’s darlings, the adoring and eternal partnership, the new royal couple! Are you all with me? No? It’s Posh and Becks, of course where on earth have you all been?!

More specifically speaking, it focussed - in full blown-up, horrid detail, I add, just so that your mental picture may be further delightfully enhanced- on the tokens of love bestowed upon each happy billionaire by the other. Yes, you got it, I’m talking about all those horrid, vomitinducing and blindingly twinkly baubles that our eyes unfortunately find unavoidable when faced with each saccharine snapshot of the pair in the tabloids or glossies.

Today, it seems fine to give presents for no ‘special’ occasion at all, not even simply for small reasons such as making up after having fallen out.

Surely, in a world where our more natural instincts struggle continually against

Today it seems fine to give presents for no ‘special occasion at all, not even for small reasons such as making up after falling out

the ever-powerful tide of commercialisation, and in a time when making and having money seems to be an all-important goal, a necessity; the profit-making industry convince us that it would be the ultimate show of affection for someone to shower us with thousands of pounds worth of baubles á la David or Victoria.

Doesn’t it? I doubt that for many of us the answer would be yes. Having put the question of what would be one’s ‘ideal’ present to several friends, of both genders, the most frequent, instantaneous responses have been along the lines of ‘something personal to me’, ‘something handmade’, ‘something which they’ve really thought about beforehand’.

Not one person immediately mentioned any specific object, or even a particular type of object. One said that a simple cassette of songs specially compiled for you was ‘the best thing’, another’s boyfriend has even made his own paper to make her beautiful, painstakingly handpainted cards. And the ‘financial value’ of these gifts? In terms of today’s consumer society, almost non-existent. For once the old adage hits the nail on the head; it IS the thought that counts.

What does it show, on the other hand, about the effectiveness of the transmission of an emotional message - sent from Victoria B to her beloved David - through the gift of a Cartier watch, when a mere few months later the recipient treats himself to a specially designed timepiece of his own choosing (a hideous thing at that), again worth thousands upon thousands of pounds?

To me, what it says more than anything is that this is a person with more money than taste, and moreover that he can’t have appreciated her gift very much.

And that’s not a very romantic effect from

where I’m standing.

For most people the things that seem to matter most in a relationship, in terms of what they ‘receive’ emotionally from a partner - i.e someone manifesting an interest in who they are, communication, natural affection - these are things which cost nothing, yet are priceless in their significance.

So next time we are stumped as to what to get somebody for Christmas, we might do well to remind ourselves of that simple fact, and to ask the question shouldn’t we try to make the presents of a wrapped up variety that we offer one another reflect it a little more?

Cover-up: the gloss over women’s mags So it is men that are obsessed with sex, is it? Daniel Goldup finds some evidence in the pages of the women’s glossies ‘65 WAYS to better orgasms’. So reads the June 2001 issue of Cosmopolitan, which also features other gems like ‘Make your partner wild’ and other erotic matters.

Hang on a minute, five minutes ago, weren’t we at the stage where the ‘ladmag’, staple diet to a generation of Ibiza mad, Fred Perry stained young men was under attack?

Everyone chipped in, had their say about the sex-obsessed Loaded generation and the influence it had on their blossoming minds (though I think there was an early autumn for the blossom in most cases), and moved on to the next burgeoning issue (obesity, anorexia; peace for the Balkans, war on Iraq etc).

So now the tables have turned, WHSmith can make no disparity between the sexes. If, next to ‘Video and Hi-Fi’ and ‘Sport’ were found magazines under the label ‘Sex mags’, they would represent the main source of information for a crosssection of society. Forget ‘Army and Navy’, the teenage boys of today are far more interested in Isla Fisher’s underwear than the latest surface-to-air missile (I’m not including CompScis, by the way).

As for the girls, whatever happened to the basket weaving and quilting skills that popular folklore suggests were the popular pastimes for young women. Today, a lady is more up-to-date on position of the week and the male erogenous zone than colour patterns for the living room.

Is this a new form of equality?

Perhaps for the men whose girlfriends memorize the tips pages of Cosmo it is a gift sent from heaven. In the teen-flick Legally Blonde, Reese Witherspoon refers to the magazine as ‘the Bible’; the voice of everything that is right.

How well Hollywood puts it.

Magazines are the guiding light for a semi-religion, with its own rules; their own notions of acceptability and standards of decency. November’s Glamour even has the Ten Commandants- well, ‘Thou shalt not team socks with sandals’ and

‘Thou shalt not wear trainers with suits’.

Not Exodus, but there you go.

So now the fairer sex know what to wear (little), what to think (little), and what to say (little without a punch-line).

Yet perhaps this has all led to one thingfairer sex.

There is certainly no end of literature telling women what they should be doing in bed, and this is sometimes scarcely cov-

ered up as soft porn.

Witness an earlier addition of Cosmopolitan, which exhibits a totally naked man spread over a four-page feature on male ‘sensitive spots’ (we’re not talking about slagging off his car, either), with arrows pinpointing each area with a detailed explanation of ‘the works’.

If the tables were turned, if there was an FHM feature that depicted a blonde lying naked with arrows inserted to each part of her anatomy, the cries of ‘sexist’ and ‘perverse’ would no doubt spring from many quarters.

One thing I have picked up from my perusal of hag-mags is that when they share their gems of advice with the female public, they don’t even get men to write them. I mean, you would think it logical to get a bloke to write exactly what he finds enticing in bed.

But no. Instead, Dr. I.M Frigid (whatever) tells women what men like, and backs it up with a few comments from ‘my friend Jane’s boyfriend’.

It is laughable that women can’t hear it from the horse’s mouth, there is hardly going to be a lack of men ready to tell half the population what they like.

At least men’s magazines commission

The lady knows best, even on ‘men’s matters’’

Ooh baby... such features from women, giving them more authority on the matters in hand. I’m sure most men have no problem with a bit of coaching, but if it came from another man there would be an outcry (possibly in the form of loud grunts down the local).

Who does he think he is?

Well, who do you think you are, Miss Editor? Men have been a useful source of knowledge in the past and I think it only fair that our opinion is listened too. Don’t ask me though.

You may be led to believe that I think women’s glossies are useless. You may also wonder why I read them, which is a valid point. I am not alone; there are many closet male readers out there who are trying to get an idea of how the female mind works.

Sure, we have about as much chance of learning this from Cosmopolitan as learning how to drive a car by watching Formula One, but so what?

They are a laugh, a good way to pass a train journey (though the grannies always give me a funny look). But let’s get one thing straight- it’s high time women stopped moaning about the male preoccupation with sex.

Your magazines spurt the word ‘orgasm’ more times than a Dutch porn movie; and if anyone says they buy it for the recipes, they’re lying.

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November 7th 2001 yorkVision

lifestyle@vision.york.ac.uk

LIFESTYLE : 13

Does my bum look big in this?

One house... three women... And a secret stash of chocolate. Alisa Hutchinson finds the temptation of chocolates too much to resist ANYONE WHO lives in shared accommodation will recognise the scene that greeted me last Sunday morning as I stumbled over a pair of shoes and fell into the kitchen.

The supposedly white work tops, where visible through the clutter of dirty plates, cutlery and pans, were a mottled mess of spilled dinners. The delightful brown carpet looked even worse through a liberal sprinkling of unidentifiable crumbs.

The rule in our house is that every Sunday we each have to tidy a room.

Thankfully it was my turn for the living

room not the kitchen. It was whilst hoovering this (a term not entirely fitting for the ancient machine in our cupboard) that I made the discovery; a CostCutters bag containing a large amount of chocolate.

This was a mystery. In a house of women who, myself included, would deny the label ‘eating disorder’, there are still a lot of strange eating habits and cries of disgust at the bathroom scales. A bag of chocolate just didn’t fit.

The women in my house are pretty representative of the population as a whole; we are a range of sizes and have

Thankfully for dieters, not to be found anywhere in Costcutter

Intentions gone awfully wrong Catherine Sevigny FRESHER’S WEEK is now a thing of the past; no more endless queueing, a serious reduction in the number of themed parties (I hope!) and above all, no more excuses.

Excuses? What excuses?

You know the ones- the excuses you made to yourself when the best laid plans went away.

You go to university with good intentions: to do brilliantly, meet great people, have an amazing time and adapt to a more independent lifestyle, and all this sans hitch. Maturity is fine, but all work and no play, eh…?

You’ve gotta be a model of restraint and the kind of person everybody wants at their party. Some believe that aspiring to

varying levels of obsession with what we eat.

What we do share, apart from our very cold house, is unhappiness with how our body looks. This leads to some strange behaviour.

I am happy when I am ill and feel too sick to eat, as though I feel awful I know I’ll lose weight.

Millie happily announces as she’s making dinner that it will be the first thing she’s eaten all day and I feel jealous that she has more willpower than me. Kath, who has the figure of a model, spent £50 on one of those funny electric toning machines.

It is well known that the occurrence of eating disorders is increasing. Many of us know someone who has suffered from one. The media is full of stories about famous people and their battles with Anorexia and Bulimia.

Unfortunately I think these medically recognised problems with food and body image are not the full story.

It is possible to have a skewed relationship with food and your body without a diagnosed eating disorder.

The following are some examples which relate to me and my housemates: celebrating not eating, thinking food is an enemy not a necessity for life, choosing to miss meals and feel hungry in order to look ‘thin’ instead of eating and looking ‘fat’.

None of the women in my house is more than a dress size 12, smaller than the national average, and yet we call ourselves

fat.

Why is it that we have this bizarre image of ourselves? Perhaps subconsciously or even consciously we believe that having the perfect body, or even just a different body, is the key to a happier and better life.

It is certain that the women I have spoken to say they would be happier if they were thinner. It is not certain if this would be true. In fact as the thinnest people I know are still not happy with themselves I would say it is unlikely.

It is a cliché but perhaps the only solu-

tion to this widespread problem is to learn to feel happy with ourselves the way we are rather than trying to force our bodies to be something they’re not.

So what did happen with the bag of chocolate? The four of us ate it, drank wine and watched a good video; well you can’t throw food away on the amount of money we have.

We relished the happiness (chocolate releases chemicals that make you feel happy apparently, a good excuse at any rate) before the guilt.

Diet resumes tomorrow…

Mmmm... not like granny used to cook

Photos: Alex Kiehl

too much will ultimately lead to dissapointment and, you know what? They are unfortunately right.

The reality of the situation sets in within about three days upon arrival.

Forget becoming SU President or bagging a first: most of us can’t seem to get it together to eat properly!

The catch phrase ‘Don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone’ never seemed so poignant and home comforts which you took for granted seem a world away.

This is when the sample premise of cooking nutritious, healthy and tasty meals becomes a hgighly contentious one.

It’s difficult to resist the line of an easy option when running late for a lecture.

I’ve decided to learn to cook; its therapeutic and fun. . Well, it can be anyway...

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Period drama: Alex wears black wool skirt, £39 FCUK and white puff ball-sleeve blouse, £24.99 River Island Jon wears shirt, £25 Topman and black bootcut trousers, £35 Topman

14 : FEATURES yorkVision

HEALTHY SEX

P15 US HUMOUR

P21 GETTING ZIGGY WITH IT

P21 DRIVING ME NUTS

P21

ON THE JOB

November 7th 2001

REALITY JOURNALISM SPECIAL

Could you survive two days without talking to a single person? Two days without phonecalls, TV or music?

The Features Team put Marie Bates through the ordeal - and these are the highlights of her diaries. A battle against extreme boredom and ever-looming insanity The rules: no human contact whatsoever. If you are leaving your room to use the toilet, please alert Big Brother by text message. Please complete all diary tasks promptly. If you hear a knock on your door, wait 20 seconds and then open it to collect food or other items.

Saturday: late afternoon. Marie says goodbye to her housemates and goes into her room. She has no idea what will she will be doing for the next two days HOUR 1: I keep thinking I could tidy my room, seeing as I'll be in here for ages. It would be funnier if I was a

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HOUR 27: Feel a bit sick but I think it's because I've been eating a lot as well as the alcohol. I've forgotten what my own voice sounds like which is kind of weird and I'm very concious of my thoughts now that I think I no longer have a subconcious. It's very strange as I can hear myself in my head. The situation has just made me lazy and there's no stimuli to make you want to do stuff. The silence is in fact quite loud and I'm a lot more aware of stuff going around my head. Even though just over a day isn't a lot it's just beginning to feel really long. You'd think I'd been gone for months the way I'm writing and it doesn't even feel that long.

The hermitage makes me feel glad that at least I've got friends and they're quite great as well because it'd be boring not to have any or to have friends who aren't as great as them. Even though I'm going through this for one of them.

HOUR 28: I feel sick. Drunk and tired, feel like I want to go to bed but the room's spinning a bit so I probably won't go for a while. I don't really know what to do with myself. In company, I would now be spouting some boring conversation and laughing a lot. I can't really find anything that funny right

THE TASK: Using the crayons provided, draw yourself in your room

I'm sitting here writing this drivel. Still want tea. Would anyone find out if I crept downstairs? DULL! Sunday morning HOUR 14: Can't remember what I dreamed about. Slept very well.

Waking up felt like it does when all your housemates are out. Strange to

THE TASK: Draw yourself in an ideal situation. ‘With my friends on holiday in Switzerland.” Marie had drunk a bottle of wine by this stage

P15

FEATURES

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THE TASK: Draw the five things you want most in the world

man so I could come out with a beard, or at least stubble. Have I forgotten to do anything? Can I have my crisps from downstairs?

HOUR 3: There's a giant dying wasp on my curtains. I flicked it off, but it's now twitching on my bed. I'm just staring at it wondering what to do. I'm allergic and I don't have my adrenaline - IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A TASK???

I can't remember such a quiet Saturday night since I was about 10. It feels like when my parents go on holiday and I'm in the house alone. But even then the TV and the dog are there. I wish I could speak to any of my housemates to give me a sense of normality. Haven't started talking to myself yet, but groaned when I saw the wasp. Only smoked once so far, which is quite good. I'm sure I'll give up and start talking to myself. Have already had a nap, so I don't know if I'll sleep well.

HOUR 4: Already got to the stage where I can't be arsed to do anything.

No music or noise to stimulate me.

Mind completely blank. Can't even be bothered to think interesting thoughts.

Oh well…

HOUR 5: Did finally manage to get my act together, but haven't done anything too productive. Dying for a cup of tea. Staring longingly at the TV. Not cracking up. Wondering where everyone is right now. Don't feel ready for bed and I know that there are a couple of parties, so it's quite annoying that

think that, even this time tomorrow I can't speak to anyone.

HOUR 15: Is it really worth getting out of bed and changing? I'm not going to see anyone, and getting out of my pyjamas is beginning to seem like an extreme hassle. Also wondering what they're bringing me for lunch. I'm not even hungry. And it's annoying not eating when you want to eat, but when you're given food. This must be what it's like in prison. Now would be a good time to get in touch with friends back home but I'm not allowed. I had thought I'd spend these two days getting things done, but I haven't done anything constructive yet. I would normally be in Vanbrugh canteen right now with a roast and the Sunday papers. Think I've got a cold coming on. Wrote a list of who I need to email when I get out. Not very useful right now.

HOUR 20: Halfway through now. Hope the second half will be easier than the first. I'm really bored and starting to feel lethargic. I think I'm still having normal thoughts. Do feel drained though. I really want to talk to someone from home who I'm feeling guilty about not talking to for ages. I've barely done any work on my essay, despite being here. Hard to say whether I'm happy or not. I can't think of a time when I've had no human contact. Even though I thought it would be easy, it's a lot wierder than I thought it would be.

I'm not unhappy yet - still fairly positive about the experience. Or at least indif-

ferent.

HOUR 24: These have been the longest 24 hours of my life. Only comperable time would be the first 24 hours at York which felt like weeks because you're meeting so many people and seeing so many new things.

The day I had my wisdom teeth out seemed really long even though I was out cold for a couple of hours under general anasthetic. It was so painful afterwards.

Is anyone talking about me? I suppose it's the same as when I go home at the weekend. Feel numb to the concept of happiness right now. I was happier when I came in, but am now happier than I was during the wasp incident when I was stood in the corner of my room for 10 minutes on the verge of tears.

I'd probably have still agreed to this with hindsight.Keep hearing people coming in and out of the house and wanting to chat to them. Keep remembering little things to remind people / say to people - passing comments which I can't say. Quite frustrating.

Getting very restless.

Marie has by now drunk a bottle of red wine.

now. Just sitting here swaying a bit.

Not looking forward to hangover tomorrow.

Monday morning HOUR 38: Dreamed I was coxing and Harry Potter was in my boat. E was really bad and we lost because of him and everyone was so disappointed because he's supposed to be good at everything. Slept very well.

HOUR 40: Going to make the most of my final few hours. It might be strange to hear my own voice. I'm excited about seeing everyone, but nervous about emerging on a high to find everyone out. It might be a big anticlimax so I'll prepare myself for that.

Despite trying, I haven't really found out anything new about myself.

HOUR 44: Feeling relieved that it's nearly over. I've learned that I'm useless without structure, and have very little motivation.

An hour later, Marie emerged, slightly bleary-eyed. She claims not to regret the experience, and will even joke about it. Big Brother will get back to Vision if she experiences any problems in the future.

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FEATURES : 15

Big Brother got back to us...

Helen Hawken was involved with the development and pre-production of Big Brother in the UK and worked on the show as a Senior Producer. She spoke to Adrian Butler on the problems of manipulating reality...

How far do you think the Big Brother production team had the contestants figured out before they went into the house?

We started the selection process for Big Brother 2 back in January and auditioned people through February and March. By April we'd narrowed it down to about 100 people all of whom were called in for further interviews with the senior members of the production team and a psychotherapist. By May we'd got down to about 30-40 people who were still being seriously considered. By this stage they were all people who we thought would be great in the house, it was just a matter of deciding which mix would work well together. For example we wouldn't have wanted to put in a disproportionate number of people from too similar a background - one Bubble is great, but if all of the men had been like that it wouldn't have worked. It wasn't until about a week before they went into the house that the final group had been decided.

Did monitering the contestants ever become more than just a job for the team? Was anyone addicted?

Because of the incredibly long hours and extraordinary nature of the programme Big Brother was more than a job for ALL the production team. Everyone worked far harder and far longer hours than on a normal production. Everyone was addicted to the show. We found ourselves talking about the characters and what might happen all the time. We lived and breathed it. In our offices we had live feeds of the two streams of material that were being mixed live in the gallery and conversations and meetings were often cut short while all attention turned on to unfolding events in the house. Many of

the producers went home and watched the live streaming on E4 after they had finished their shifts.

We found ourselves making life cushier for our hostage as we felt more and more sorry for her. Did this happen to you?

I think it is probably a very different situation when you are just looking at one person in isolation. Remember that our housemates had others to talk to and to keep them occupied. I wouldn't say that we felt more and more sorry for them as the series progressed at all. If they were feeling down or gloomy we tried to tailor the tasks to bring a sense of fun back into the house. Also we often had very long chats to them in the diary room (which were never broadcast) to bolster them up and to remind them of all the positive things about their experience. They also were all free to talk to a professional counsellor while they were in the house if they were feeling low. Some of them did take advantage of this although many of them used their private discussions with Big Brother in the diary room to give vent to their feelings.

When the contestants got out, the production team must have wanted to talk to these people they had got to know.

Were they allowed?

Most of the production team had met the housemates before they went into the house as they were involved with the auditioning process. When they came out of the house those people who had either met them before or who had developed a rapport with them through talking in the diary room etc did get a chance to talk to them. Many of the housemates were keen to talk to us too. But the last few

Pride and Precautions The huge rise in Sexually Transmitted Infections, reported over the summer, shocked post80s Britain.

Antonia Hassan looks at what’s out there and what to do if you think you might have caught something

Sexually Transmitted Infections.

Okay, so they're something that most of us don't really think about in fact they're something that most of us don't want to think about, but next time - to borrow a completely naff lottery phrase - it could be you.

The scary fact is that the past few years have seen an enormous increase in cases of STIs in England and Wales, particularly in women aged 16-19. Two of the biggest increases were in Chlamydia, which rose by an enormous 76% between 1995-1999 and Gonorrhoea, which rose by 55% in the same period. There has also been a 14% increase in cases of HIV, the highest rise in the 16 years since HIV testing was made available.

The risk of contracting an STI can be seriously reduced by simply using a condom, but somehow the safer sex message of the 80s is still being lost and the number of sufferers is rising.

days was quite an overwhelming experience for the housemates. After 64 days of no contact with the outside world we didn't want them to feel oppressed by dozens of people firing questions at them so we kept it all fairly low key. Some of the production team and housemates do still keep in touch with one another now.

Did you feel guilty when the contestants were unhappy? How did you deal with it?

I wouldn't say that we felt guilty when they were unhappy as we were scrupulously honest before they went into the house about all the downsides of the experience. We warned them in great detail about what to expect both while they were in the house and when they came out. We also gave them plenty of opportunities to back out if they had any worries.

It certainly does make for very uneasy viewing to see someone feeling sad or miserable. For example, in the first series when Caroline was so upset at having been nominated two weeks in a row we made a conscious decision not to show the full extent of her tears on television as we felt that would have been too exploitative of her misery. Similarly with Vanessa Feltz there was far more of her emotional turmoil than we ever showed in the final programmes.

We weren't trying to make them unhappy or depressed so if we sensed that things were going that way we would try to lighten the atmosphere and also to get them to talk about their feelings both to one another and to us in the diary room. They did find great support from

We often had very long chats to the contestants in the diary room (which were never broadcast) to bolster them up and to remind them of all the positive things about their experience one another as they were all going through the same experience.

Part of the psychological screening before they went into the house was designed to ensure that they would be able to cope with the pressures of life in the house, so they were all characters who had the emotional resources to cope with the highs and lows of the experience. By the time we approached the second series we were very aware of the likely stresses and strains that they might experience so we did tailor our selection process to weed out those who would be unable to cope. It's worth remembering that they were all free to leave at any time they liked. None of them did.

Did you change what tasks you had planned as you went along?

Absolutely! The tasks were designed to respond to the moods in the house and to bring out different aspects of the group dynamic. After the "Teach an Old Dog New Tricks" task when they were all feeling gloomy and disillusioned with the tasks and Big Brother we designed the "Drum Kit" task to bring them all together. Group co-operation was vital to success in that task and also it was fun.

They really enjoyed doing it and it gave them a huge lift. We only came up with the idea for that about 36 hours before it went into the house, then we had to find all the props, get the web built (that they had to be passed through) and put everything together.

Again if they were feeling lethargic we would try to design a task that was physical to give them energy. Likewise the task for the final week of getting them to reveal more about their life and opinions outside the house was only worked out about 24 hours in advance. It worked on numerous levels, firstly it revealed new aspects of their personality which they hadn't revealed to one another and to the viewers even after nine weeks (the moral and ethical debates) and also it was very funny seeing Elizabeth being an Air stewardess, Dean being a haridresser and Helen's attempts at sculpture!

With all of the tasks the production team practised them before they went in to ensure that they were achievable. We also monitored how well they were doing when they practised so that if they were being tested on the final day the goals set were achievable. anal discharge from the penis or anus.

Without treatment, women may become infertile or experience an ectopic pregnancy, whilst men can develop a narrowing of the urethra.

HERPES: This can affect the mouth and nose as well as the genital and anal areas, and so can be passed on by oral sex and kissing as well as penetrative sex. It often takes the form of small fluid-filled blisters around the infected area, as well as a flu-like illness with a headache, swollen glands or fever.

Outbreaks can often re-occur and although the virus will clear up by itself, it is best to visit the doctor for help and advice.

The Genitourinary Medicine (GUM) clinic is centrally situated at Monkgate GENITAL WARTS: This is the most common STI, with 64,000 cases recorded last year in England and Wales. After infection, it usually takes between one and three months for warts to appear on the genitals, and they develop inside the anus or vagina. Women suffering from warts inside the vagina or on the cervix may also experience slight bleeding.

Although they are not usually painful, there is a possible link between certain strains of wart and cervical cancer, so treatment is essential.

CHLAMYDIA: 62,565 cases were recorded in England and Wales last year, 40% of those amongst women aged 16-19. It is a particularly difficult infection to recognise as it often has

no symptoms at all, especially in women.

If symptoms are present, they are likely to include, in women: irregular menstrual bleeding, pain in the lower abdomen, pain during sex or an increase in vaginal discharge. Both sexes may experience an increased need to pass urine, and-or pain when urinating, as well as swollen and painful eyes. Men may also notice an unusual discharge.

If untreated, Chylamidia can lead to infertility and appendicitis in both sexes, and can be passed on from mother to unborn child.

GONORRHOEA: This is another common infection, with 20,000 cases recorded last year. Symptoms in women include an unusual vaginal or

If you think you may have contracted one - or any - of these STIs, the most important thing is not to panic. The vast majority of common STIs are easy to test for and can be treated if caught early enough.

Make an appointment with the Genitourinary Medicine (GUM) clinic at 31, Monkgate, York (tel. 01904 621731) or attend one of the many drop-in sessions. All services are completely confidential and completely free and you don't need to have been referred by your GP. All of the major STIs can be tested for, with results available within the week.

Although many STIs can be easily treated, the best way to avoid complications is to practice safer sex and never contract them at all. Free condoms are available from the Student Centre, welfare reps and bars around campus.

16 : FEATURES yorkVision

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November 7th 2001

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An L of an achievement

Here I am on another bloody driving test, there’s a tattooed ex-serviceman next to me who has clearly added three minors just for me being a bit scrawny

Sport’s Gareth Owens has finally passed his driving test. And he has a few stories to tell about it...

Holy reverse parking Batman, I’m getting out of here BATMAN. TOAD of Toad Hall. Inspector Morse. Gareth Owens. Yours Truly.

What do these illustrious names have in common, apart from a weakness for either alcohol or rubber? The answer is simple: we can all drive.

That's right, I have recently joined the ranks of those who pollute the planet, smear cute animals across the tarmac and clog the arteries of our fine country's road system like so much bacon juice in a fat chap's ticker. And I love it.

A small, petty achievement, I hear you all cry. But bear with me, for the tale of amazing ineptitude I am about to unfurl is one worth hearing.

For I passed having taken my test a number of times which shall forever be my filthy little secret. Suffice to say it was

more than five, less than ten.

And the most annoying, infuriating aspect is that I am not actually a bad driver.

I am courteous, unfailingly observant and frankly a whizz at reverse parking.

But what has until recently prevented me from wowing the general public with these skills is, I maintain, the repulsiveness of all those who work in the driving test industry.

Let me start with instructors: suburban Hitlers with dual control staff cars.

Clipboard wielding inadequates who get their jollies from smooth gear changes.

My nemesis of three years learning shall remain nameless, but suffice to say his fey little voice will ring in my ears at times of trauma for a long time yet. I can-

not help associate his lisped commands with some of my most profound feelings of misery.

Years from now, as my wife heads out the front door with a suitcase under one arm and a few squirming kids under the other, I'll be lurching for an imaginary handbrake.

It's all down to power and control.

When you begin learning to drive, your instructor is your surrogate parent, your Yoda. To string this freakish relationship out over several years meant, in my case, a stasis of my own personality.

The second I stepped into the car, I became the twitching 17 year old I once was, as opposed to the twitching semiadult I now like to pass myself off as.

Of course, he hated me. I was a walk-

ing, talking, clumsy gear changing mockery of his skills as an instructor. That said, I probably paid him enough in lesson fees to buy a medium sized yaught to cheer himself up with.

So I began to take tests. The first two failures were entirely justified, and had I passed either no doubt the details of my subsequent celebratory drive would have been shortly read out to weeping parents in a hushed coroners office.

These were learning experiences, the chief lesson being: get better at driving.

And I did. I really, really did. But Lady Luck was never strapped into the back seat.

And, of course, I frequently crumbled under the sudden realisation: here I am on another bloody driving test, there's a tat-

tooed ex-serviceman next to me who has clearly added three minors just for me being a bit scrawny, I'm bound to fail again, I'll have to go through booking another test, and then I'll… oh christ, that was my turning. Game over.

But then one glorious September day, it all changed. The secret of my success, I feel, was the packet of boiled sweets in my glove compartment. The Polo Smoothy had been greedily sucked between the examiner's lips before she realised the nature of my subtle bribe. From then on it was plain sailing.

We bantered merrily away as I swung around country lanes, zipped backwards around corners, flew through the air over dozens of parked cars. As she signed the relevant forms with guilty, sugary fingers a demon inside me was purged forever.

And then I saw the baseballed capped trogolodyte in the car next to me receive the same papers and realised - what the bloody hell have I been playing at for the past three years? Why have I allowed myself to be so bad for so long?

But all such cares soon dissolved as I went for a spin. Were it physically possible, I would have been driving with my head sticking out of the window and my tongue lolling out of my mouth.

So, you first-time-pass Jonnies, you will never know the exhilaration I felt, and will continue to feel as long as can physically manipulate a gear stick. Poop poop!

CATFISH Living next to York’s WATCH number one queue William Popham considers the view from his bedroom window

The monster can clearly be glimpsed emerging near Central Hall here.

Inset: Sarah Musa, who described the ordeal as ‘horrible’.

SENSATIONAL NEW images of the fabled giant catfish, said to be lurking beneath the surface of the lake, have raised fresh concerns over the potential dangers it poses to the student body.

Vision can exclusively reveal the first authenticated eyewitness report of this term, as the monstrous creature was captured on film by an unwitting second year English Literature student.

Summer has not been kind to the catfish. This formidable predator feeds upon fish, waterfowl and occasionally small mammals even the size of a child.

But times have been hard over the summer months, as well nourished conference guests are too rich for the catfish to digest.

It is now feared that the autumnal flood of returning

students may signal a renewal of hostilities.

As Vision warned last term, for their own safety, students of less than average height should not venture near the lake at dusk or in the early morning, when catfish emerge from the deep for food.

The storm burst upon us four months ago now, when a remarkable photograph set the wires of the University exchange palpitating with news of a colossal spout of water, "like flaming gases rushed out of a gun." A singularly appropriate phrase it may prove.

Have you seen the catfish?

Ring our hotline on 01904 433720

I HAVE the unfortunate disposition of living next door to Ziggy's Nightclub.

Anybody who has been there will know that either you love it or hate it. The sweat dripping down the wall, the seedy staircase and the practically claustrophobic feeling of the basement give it a touch of class, or rather a distinct character of its own that one cannot find anywhere else in York. Known as the 'Cattle Market' by the sexually frustrated Rugby Team, it is a place where you go to get drunk, pull and be merry. It's only in the morning, or rather afternoon, that one awakes and tries to piece together some sort of idea of what they did, with whom, and how; and also how to shake off the hangover that the VK Ice gives you.

And I can watch all this from my bedroom window. Not actually the inside of the club, but where you more often than not spend half the night: queuing. Strictly speaking, I can also look out from my sitting-room window in the basement and also see the queue. How many of you unsuspecting freshers have had your knickers assessed and rated by my housemates? Probably countless numbers. And then, there is a race up to my bedroom to check out the cleavages of the less modest females, to see what they are, or are not wearing. In fact, it's almost more fun than going into the club. You get a chance to check out the girls without being accused

of lechery, work out the inter-relationships among the groups and guess which people are going to end up sharing a taxi home…

I love it. Not the club itself, but the atmosphere and variety that it attracts. At the weekend you get whistled at by middle age Yorkshire lasses in boob tubes three sizes too small, on Tuesdays you can see the leather, studs and piercing of the lunatic fringe, and Wednesday; well, everybody knows that that is Ziggy's Night. And when you're all standing outside in the near freezing cold, you can imagine me peeking out, judging when the queue is shortest and then scampering in to get drunk with the rest of them. Then, when you get so drunk you can't stand, I can walk right back into my house and pass out to await the next afternoon.

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A Time for Sorrow...

And for Laughter

SEPTEMBER 24, 2001. Two men sit in a lonely bar, the mood is sombre and their faces grim. One reads a newspaper visibly splattered with words of terrorism, death and war. The reading man turns to the other. "I miss the Commies," he says flatly.

A scene from an American bar? Possibly, but not quite. Rather a description of a cartoon appearing in The New Yorker magazine, one of the city's more prestigious weekly publications. More importantly, a sub-

FEATURES : 17

What are the new limits of comedy and how far can they be pushed? Alicia Starkey tells us how American comedians, talk show hosts, cartoonists and writers are encouraging normality in a uncertian nation.

Laden. On American talk shows, in newspapers and during stand up acts, pokes at bin Laden have replaced jokes about political leaders. Similarly, bin Laden's followers and Taliban have proven easy topics. "Hijackers Surprised to Find Selves in Hell" wrote The Onion in its first issue after the attacks. As Jay Leno, US West Coast late show host, said, "When times are good, you make fun of the king. When times are bad, you make fun of the enemy."

Topics which have been classified untouchable include the integrity of American President George W.

Perhaps the most convincing sign that terrorist-themed humour has made a healthy return is the subject's integration with non-related, usual targets. For example, SatireWire.com reported, "Anti-Terror Bill Requires Americans to Install Microsoft Windows XP," "and "U.S. to Halt Attacks During Holy Month of Harry Potter Movie Release." Saturday Night Live, a long-running sketch comedy television program filmed in New York, reported in their weekly mock-news sketch, "bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing [Maria

“When times are good, you make fun of the king. When times are bad, you make fun of the enemy” --Jay Leno, Talk Show Host Bush and other key leaders, jokes about financial intuitions, the World Trade Center and surrounding downtown New York, firemen, police men, rescue workers and most poignantly, terrorism itself. But while jokes about Bush as a leader have proven unpopular, politics is not entirely banned from water-cooler humour. Recently, another watershed was broken, led mainly by The Onion and other on-line satirical news sites. More courageous due to it website status, these sites were some of the first media outlets to reflect on the ridiculous elements of politics concerning the attacks.

In their Sept. 26th issue, one Onion headline read, "US Vows to Defeat Whoever it is We're at War with."

President Bush was quoted as saying, "The United States is preparing to strike, directly, decisively, against you, whoever you are, just as soon as we have a rough idea of your identity and a reasonably decent estimate as to where your base is located." Further on Senator John McCain of Arizona said, "America faces a long road ahead. We do not yet know how to fight this sort of fight. And I'll be damned if one of us has any inkling who we will be fighting against.

With any luck, they've got uniforms of some sort." Another articlesuggested that the U.S. was ready to provide bin In a strange twist of events, a photograph of Osama bin Laden altered by the web Laden with a large grant so that he might built a base for the Americans to blow-up. site BertIsEvil.com to include the famous, paper clip loving Bert, was seen in An even more sensitive subject breeched by The posters used during anti-American protests in Pakistan. The image was lifted Onion is satire of grief. "Not Knowing What Else to Do, Woman Bakes American Flag Cake" was one of the first from the net and used as part of a bin Laden collage. This image, courtesy of major media articles to play on extreme expressions of sorAP/Reuters, was widly circulated. Subsquent to its release BertIsEvil.com was row. For the article The Onion created Christine Pearson, a voluntarily shut down.

Topeka, Kansas legal secretary "who has never visited and knows no one in either New York or Washington D.C.." tle joke marking one of the first attempts at giving a broken nation an But "Having already donated blood, mailed a check to the Red Cross, and empathetic smile. sent a letter of thanks to the New York Fire department, Pearson was In the wake of the terrorist attacks on America, humour, satire and aimlessly wandering from room to room in her apartment when the idea wit, staples of modern entertainment, were amongst the first casualties. of creating the confectionery stars and stripes came to mind."

And only recently did comedy begin, slowly and carefully, to rise from In addition to new, touchier topics sneaking into comedy, another the rubble, shake off some of its usual tricks and adapt to an entirely new encouraging sign is the shrinking turnaround time between horrific set of rules. Today, laughter is making a comeback, thumbing its nose at news and related jokes. The quick reaction of comics to the anthrax those deemed responsible for September's horror and offering an outlet to scare is a prime example: only days after the first anthrax case was the emotionally wounded. confirmed The Onion reported, "Woman with Sore Throat Thinks it Humour's initial reappearance, noticed in the fortnight following the might be Anthrax," poking fun at mass anthrax hypochondria. E-mail explosions, fell mostly inline with the cartoon described above: non-spe- forwards often go a step farther. One circulated disaster joke concerns a cific, subtle comment. In another cartoon encounter, a man in a loud plaid man who goes to this doctor for a check-up and is told he has anthrax. jacket sits in a trendy bar next to a posh young woman. "I thought I'd "I'm going to put you in the hospital and on a diet of pancakes," the docnever laugh again," she says to him across her martini, "Then I saw your tor says. "Why pancakes?" asks his nervous patient. "Because it is the jacket." Similarly, David Letterman, host of New York's Late Show and only thing we can slide under your door."

Conan O'Brien, another sharp tongued late night host, initially chose to comment on the altered temperament of New Yorkers rather than the disaster itself. "New Yorkers are friendlier now," observed O'Brien, "Today I went and bought a hot dog and the vendor was nice enough to say, 'Hey, I wouldn't eat that crap if I were you.'" Though these initial topics were safe with commentary focused on secondary reaction rather than the actual event, the first monologues, cartoons and jokes marked a distinct break from the days immediately following the attack when airwaves void of laughter fed American's television, radio and computer screens.

Letterman altered his usual show to give a tearful speech on the strength of New York, its civil workers and the mayor; The Onion Nearly thirty years on it's still as compiled episodes.

The (TheOnion.com), a popular satirical newspaper and website, skipped the good - possibly even better - Zipped One is pushing his luck week's issue; The Daily Show, a nightly Comedy Central production popthan ever. And now all the just a little bit too far - and his ular for its witty takes on current news, aired a week of re-runs; and The characters from Rainbow can actions might just tip his houseNew Yorker, famous for its content as well as its cartoons, ran its first carbe seen in all their glory - in the mates over the edge. In true new entertaining compilation Zippy super-bossy mode in DVD and VHS release Zip-Up ‘Getting Organised’ he tries to Zippy!!!, released on October tidy up the Rainbow House 22nd. DVD and VHS each fea- but finds that his somewhat ture approximately an hour and individual system doesn't a half of ziptastic programming always work; in ‘Rejected and for under a tenner.

Neglected’ he enters a talent contest to write a song … and In October's Zip-Up Zippy!!!, vehemently rejects his friends' Rainbow's main man is caus- help until he realises it might be ing chaos again in a little more difficult than at first seven special- anticipated; and in ‘Social l y Behaviour’ he learns that the others don't like it when, in an insomniac moment, he decided to play his music just a little bit too loud. And that's just a taster of the seven Zippy-centred instalments on Zip-Up Zippy!!!

Carey's new semi-autobiographical] movie Glitter."

Needless to say, comedy cannot compensate for uncertainty and sorrow-- some emotions are beyond the reaches of even the most genuine laugh. But thankfully, this emerging brand of comedy acknowledges its own limits and sensitively shies away from the uncomfortable. When asked to speak about the return of his show's opening monologue, Leno said, "If you believe making fun of something that's scary makes it less so, than maybe we're doing some good here."

Internet Eye candy. Visual humor, be it cartoons or altered photographs such as thi, have popped up all over the internet.

This one is courtesy of Daiily Wonkk. com

COMPETITIONS!! COMPETITIONS!!

Win A Rainbow Video!!

Recently, a watershed was broken, led mainly by The Onion and other on-line satirical news sites... these sites were some of the first media outlets to reflect on the ridiculous elements of politics concerning the attacks. In their Sept. 26th issue, one Onion headline read, "US Vows to Defeat Whoever We're at War with"

toon-free issue since Aug. 1946, when editors devoted the issue to the US bombing of Hiroshima, Japan.

Following the attacks, humour was presented tentatively as comedians carefully decided on new rules: what was in bounds, what was out?

Amongst suitable targets the most utilised and best received mockery has been at the expense of the demonised form of terrorism: Osama bin

Vision has three copies to give away. To win, answer the following easy question: Was George really gay??!!

Win some crap studenty stuff!!

To promote Uniaid's week of student action, which took place between 26th October and 2nd November, they've sent us some crap through the post, including a Des O'Connor autobiography, five Right Said Fred singles, and a Best Of Elvis compilation CD. We don't want them, so if you do, enter our competition!

During Uniaid Week half a million students in over 50 institutions will have the opportunity to take part in the country's first series of student fundraising events. In York Toffs hosted a talent competition on Sunday 28th October, in association with Uniaid and York RAG. All proceeds raised through door ticket sales, through sponsorship and donations will be channelled into student support

services in the short and long term in order to raise funds for vital local and national student educational and welfare projects.

To win, answer the following easy question: Could Des O’Connor potentially be gay??!!

WIN! A £300 meal with Puppetry of the Penis - p7 WIN! A Howard Marks audiocassette - p20

To enter, email competitions@vision.york.ac.uk Deadline: Friday Week Seven

eter e r G e orat p r o C The

an face ineyed r u o y ygrin on k blear of a fixedome into wonr don't think re. h it w c r e o to g s o th in t the de public, hav idea of fun,treet clothes erican, r ding a If stan t to lure in th g is not youuitous hish sn-cut, all-Amile. The p in iq n m r b e clea after a wh o u tt a e idea that m ng the at this n at 7:30 g for a job ugh, promotioes get tirings naffness: th n't eveto applyinprisingly enoshirt image dur throat in ititem they dotr g in y Unsur and white t- ' sticks in yo towards an , generally one to khaki of the Week ry customer to the shoptants. Never moved 'Greet to propel evey past you in sales assis as habitually otential being s they hurr with pushy morning, I w aps put off p aps the want aany contact cially in the piness perh r staff is perhhundred avoid smile, espe as my grum n clothes fo er folding a want to fake a is position e discount o nuts, but aft st thing you rporate from thers. The largwork for pea come the la g for this co ce and brows incentive to y quickly beup for workinount allowanturn me major f khakis they time was y staff disc attempts to ou that pairs oI decided m used up me manager's ersuading yat don't wear. an when I'dence with th t, adept at p pri pants th leviath n out of pati les assistan of hipster ca had ru e chirpy sa d that pair y. into thlways wanteok big. Reall you a your bum lo make

The Zoo Keeper

ON THE JOB

For some at university, finding work is a full-ttime, er, job. These career-o obsessed types will have decided the course their lives will follow while still at sixth form. By the Christmas of their first year, they'll have followed someone important around with a clipboard for a week. By the Summer holidays, they'll be practically employees already, used to drinking in company juice bars, going for long Friday lunches in their khakis, and posing with a towel in the executive gym. And in the early third year, they'll smugly announce their starting salaries and show you their pre-a arranged accommodation. And then there's the other type of jobhunter. They'll get home with a vague plan to work somewhere or other and not do a thing about it for about a fortnight. By the time they make it down to a temping agency, every sensible job has been assigned. Before they can get the words 'Hello, I'm a student looking for some temporary work' out, a panicked look enters the employee's eyes. He twitches, pointing to a huge pile.

'CVs', he explains. 'Look at them all'. They nod in recognition and move on to the next agency. This type will end up with something - anything, to fill the time and pay for the next holiday. For some reason, the Vision team seems to contain a fair few of this second type. Here are their stories, taking you from the cages of London Zoo to the view across Sydney Harbour, from the doorway of an American clothes giant to the canteen of an explosives factory.

b at the Sydney blag myself a joto to ed ag an m being able to I g limited in Australia in ar be ye p ills ga sk y e m ic g rv se partment was Durin despite my silverbe fair, life in the catering demeals wouldn't Opera House, in e To th . k. Most of to a swan fold a napkin as pretentious as you might thinn paper bag with the letters BKt ow ar br ne a re of thered abou out nowhe ele was less bo of place coming have looked out this being Australia, the clientd from, than if their beer was k New Year's on them. Andr plates were served and cleare a few weeks wor which side thei champagne flutes topped. Aftermy one and only new year in cold and there us, the prospect of working broke and the offer of $30 p/h,t Eve was upon t too appealing, but being flat e day went easily enough: whilsAustralia wasn'too enticing. The first half of th ey bridge, the guests were arriv the offer was ere being lined up across Sydn listening to Madame Butterfly. the fireworks w $80- $250 for the privilege ofated prawns and tomato sauce,t, ing having paidthe extra $50 per head for rehe About an hour before midnigh lNot to mention Mare in a caramelised sauce. P area, set on an exclusive ba aka Penne del nt to set up and work on a VIan extra $200 to enjoy this priv stry). Soon six of us were see festivities. Guests had paid rk in a filo pae, Po ka th y (a jo lls en ro to e cony en fiv and then g served sausag still no guests, the fat birds whining d an ve el tw ilege, whilst bein to m so ten minutes mmies, a stuck listening to enough, it wasou 50 guests were w joyed by three Po $1 r en g t in ls be hi w ile. And as So Sm , ey one. named, ironically best view in Sydn about love, thes and an Indonesian rastafarianourselves to a more than a few couple of Yank r twenty minutes as we helped pork in filo pastries. Suffice to smile we did, foug all helped down by plenty of g to happy, and yes, the words of bottles of Kr turned up eventually not lookin say the guests ming gallah were used. strewth and fla

The Foot and Mouth Enforcer

The old adage 'never work with chil dren or animals' was far from my as I strolled through Regent’s Par mind before had been spent temping k one sunny July morning. The summer and determined never to befriend ano photocopier I decided to spe ther my summer working for London first job was at an informationnd Zoo. My poin t nea r to the zoo entrance. Having been left alone for a mere twenty min dragging a 4 year-old boy behindutes an excited lady in a floral print dress, of the monkeys has escaped!" her, rushed up to my stand shouting "One Remembering point 14b of theNot exactly what I expected on my first day. calm and reassured the delighte London Zoological Society Manual I kept a small grey monkey swaggeringd public. Following the lady I came across ally to stare curiously at the baboonalong the safety rail, stopping occasionapproach the monkey turned rou s on the inside of the cage. Sensing my nd and looked at me inquisitively say 'What are you looking at?' as if to Adr supervisor and announced that a enaline pumping I rushed back to my ering to turn around she enq monkey had escaped. Without even bothd wearily "Is it a lesser-spottedbearded-monkey?" Hardly the uire orangedra as the monkey was affectionate matic response I had expected. Houdini, ly nam ed, esc aped from his cage on a weekly basis. Since he was deemed not to be a risk to himself or the lic and always returned to his cag pubers that be allowed his adventurese before they could catch him, the powto con tinu e. My experience Zoo turned to be a far less exciting London adventure, fending of hordes at ious children demanding ice-crea off obnoxm and stacking the shop shelves overly-priced fluffy giraffes. with

m

The Aussie Bu

near Carlisle. The jobs were Job Description; Gateman and Traffic Control for a refuse tip n areas of England very norther the hit has that crisis mouth and foot directly related to the DEFRA and MAFF, the to linked being it to due paid hard. Needless to say it was very well the government undereshow about read all We've ents. departm tural agricul ments' govern le of such a cost. The job timated the cost of foot and mouth: this was a prime examp very little.' doing for money of description should have really read 'get a lot d the sprays of the deconIf any cars or lorries came past I would flick a switch that operate When any unidentiwell). as tasks tamination unit (this was part one, but wait, I had other make sure it was to up radio I'd Then I.D. for ask and down them flag fied cars turn up, I'd of the job which part r anothe Yet . through them okay for them to be onsite, and then wave rate of pay, was to radio high the for reason the being surely must thus y, difficult its ed increas contained the remains of any up to traffic control if an ash lorry came through - an ash lorry side.

A typical line would be, country the large animal cremation that were going on around reply, "Got that Garrie!" ly normal would he which to way!" it's on lorry ash an "George, there's day. a hours five This would then be my job for about was a good job as I was startTraffic Control on the other hand was less challenging, whichlorries that came past the gate I ash Any n. gatema a ing to crack under the stress of being r the dumping site was whethe on had to either park them up or let them through depending 'hands on' lads up on the site. the with t contac radio d involve full or not. This, yet again, send up a lorry Bert?", the The typical radio banter for this usually being, "is it okay to job being very quiet, I had a control traffic the to Due up!" it "send being, response usually days.

5 in books 3 through get to ed manag seat in a metal hut, one time I a day I got paid £300 a week.

How much did I get for all this? For five days work of ten hours so much on foot and mouth. ng spendi were they why And the government couldn't work out involved.) people the protect to d change been have above names the of (Some

The Job Hunters: Adelise Ashdown, Adrian Butler, Tim Dean, Garrie Love, Gareth Owens, Becca Smith, Alicia Starkey

The Fa ctory Worke r

As the travellin new term lo any o g, despera omed exp Franklyther options,te measures ensively follo prefera I think a te I took a jo were neede wing a sum at 6am ble to three rm shoppin b packing d. In the abs mer of of 6. A for an extra weeks speng in Kwiksavat a plastic ence of assault pile of five o thrill) stack ding eight h e would hav factory. elevate from Doris r seven wa ing deodora ours a day ( e been nt mou s than a d position b, the superv s rewarded w lds in tarting stayed nyone else y, as far as isor. She ha ith a new pto piles manag an extra we in the build I could tell, d attained s hysical in u ek, I w Sadly, er. ould hag. I can onhaving more ch an ly assu teeth ve bee respec my co-emplo m n prom oted to e, had I correct t I would hav yees didn't genera interlo amount o e liked, des look upon m l hours ping little richf chromosompite me rathe e with the a disapp of standing boy I so c es. They tr r flashily havwe and eated ing the local raointing limits, inhaling plalearly was. W stic fum dio. "If hich le me like the of my o ft this ain e w 't love…n imaginatios and disco hours and ve n. And " Aaaa listenin ring the aaaagh g to the .

The Central Park Keeper

mid-acre patch of green smack in the Working at Central Park, an 843might expect, a constant source of surdle of New York City is, as youas the back yard for four-million prise. Those 843 acres serve e million if one includes the City's other Manhattanites, plus another thre nge things that happen in suburban daring boroughs. Imagine all of the stra by four-million. Think it would be to not back yards and then multiply it dow sure e mak at dawn? Just to have sex on the Sheep Mea ples on your way to the perfect spot. step on any other entwined couss the Great Lawn at the first snowfall?

How about a quick streak acroalone an alligator was discovered in the Well, get in line. This summer ida Crocodile wrestler was called in to Harlem Meer. The famous Flor the Ramble, a thickly forested area of retrieve it. Once walking throughn tourist mid-squat. Amazingly my rapthe Park, I ran into a mid-westerns were worthless. After zipping up she ted idly delivered bathroom directio l emergency; she just always wan ers: explained there had been no rea mm dru the are e ther then And to urinate in Central Park. Really. who hop and beat bongos around middle aged, loincloth wearing men Russian Communist speakers who the tion piles of incense. Not to men seem to spend more of their time use the band shell near by. They to stop that fucking drumming because shouting at the semi-naked men than talking about Russia or killed "God damn it, we have a permit" l segue into the angry swan who e clos too Communism. Which might as wel bit a d ture poor terrier ven are ly, Donna Karen's daughter's dog. The ntal cide coin ch, whi nets Cyg . to the mother's precious cygnetsinfamous two toothed elderly Swan now probably fed by the Park's man…

20 : FILMS yorkVision

November 7th 2001

films@vision.york.ac.uk

FILMS

www.yorkvision.co.uk

Mr Goebels Goes To Hollywood The Hollywood propaganda machine is becoming increasingly ubiquitous and Orwellian in its methods. “Don’t believe the hype” says a disillusioned Ashley De ONCE IN a generation comes a film that redefines a genre. A film like Scream, that leads to a slew of increasingly poor sequels and half arsed imitations. And once in a generation comes a film that makes you want to cough up your own pelvis bone. Jeepers Creepers is one such film. I had the extremely dubious privilege of attending the UK premiere; my only conciliation at the time was that it would disappear without a trace, bound to end up as “straight to video” fodder. If there were any justice Jeepers Creepers would be remembered as the most important film since Dude, Where’s My Car? But justice is no match for the power of the Hollywood hype machine.

A week later I see it top the American box office, playing up celebrity endorsements, and ready to do good business on the saner side of the Atlantic.

Francis Ford Coppolla, the prod u c e r, not the director

mind, has his name in foot high letters above the title, inviting audiences to take in the most “important horror film in twenty years”. All this points to the power of Hollywood Propaganda, where studios have bettered the alchemists in turning manure into gold.

A good pedigree is often more than enough to rake in the dollars for dire cinema, and you’ll find it on every poster with acclaimed directors, producers or third gaffers mates put in as large a type as possible. Bringing out the Dead may have been a Snooze-o-rama, but a Snooze-orama brought to you by Martin Scorsese.

Cinemagoers reciprocate by queuing up round the block to see a third rate Taxi Driver – in an ambulance!

Fair play, if you’ve got it flaunt it, but event movies of the likes of Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter insist on ramming down your throat that they exist, not just at the local multiplex, but in the popular consciousness.

Even Newsround, once the safe preserve of John Craven and his cardigans, is now a promotional tool for Harry Potter Inc, telling the tots that seeing this film, and buying its extensive mer-

Recent releases including ‘A Knight’s Tale’ and Hollow Man were all endorsed by the entirely fictional David Manning of the Ridgefield Press, a brainchild of Sony marketing execs chandise is not just desirable, but in terms of the playground, compulsory.

Is invading children’s TV too cynical?

NO. Films of the calibre of Tomb Raider don’t even need to bother with such efforts, having wormed their way into our minds courtesy of a game franchise that was admittedly state of the art in 1996.

Sales of Lara Croft boxer shorts years before a film came to the drawing boards.

A moustachioed plumber may have bombed at the box office, but then he was played by Bob Hoskins rather than the considerably more shapely Miss Jolie.

But Hollywood has sunk to new depths in recent years to cash in on your

Coen, Coen, Gone Thom Collins

The Others Director Starring

(USA)

Thornton and Gandolfini. Blood Simple at Miller’s Crossing

In typical Coen Brothers fashion this simple attempt at extortion has far reaching consequences Despite this superb acting, the most striking aspect of The Man Who Wasn’t There is the beautiful cinematography; quite simply, this is one of the most visually stunning films you could ever hope to see. Shot entirely in black and white by long-time Coen collaborator, Englishman Roger Deakins, the result is an incredible mixture of silhouettes and smoke.

Moreover, no shot is wasted with each one designed for maximum visual impact. In addition, the obsessive attention to period detail makes almost every scene a virtual work of art.

But don’t worry if this makes the film seem too worthy or arty; it is immensely enjoyable on any level. Not only does it look good but the content is also as good

as ever. It is blessed with a plot that is pacy and twisting, if a little predictable at times, and is as amusing as one would expect from a Coen Brothers production.

If a criticism could be made of the film it is that at times the zany, ironic humour can seem a little overdone.

Perhaps the Coens simply had too many ideas to fit into this two-hour production.

For example, there are fleeting, unexplained references to a Roswell-esque alien abduction story line which grates rather than amuses. At times, the preoccupation appears to be with style and not substance; the ‘soul’ of the movie is obscured. More time could be given over to explaining Ed Crane and his behaviour; despite Billy Bob Thornton’s great work, the character could perhaps be more fully developed.

Throughout most of their previous output, the Coen Brothers have managed to achieve a perfect balance of sophisticated art and commercial movie-making but with The Man Who Wasn’t There have strayed a little too much towards the former. However, one should be prepared to accept a little self-indulgence on their part as an inevitable by-product of the undoubted originality that makes them among the most interesting film-makers in the world.

U n f o r t u n a t e l y, more often than not, inside each mountain of hype is a big Jar-Jar Binks shaped disappointment.

Other-ing Frights Paul Hirons

The Man Who Wasn’t There Cert 15 Director Joel Coen Starring Billy Bob Thornton, Frances Mc Dormand, James Gandolfini (USA) 116 mins AFTER THE critical and commercial success of last year’s O Brother, Where Art Thou?, the ever inventive Coen Brothers return with their latest offering, The Man Who Wasn’t There, a superb ‘noir’ thriller set in post-war-small-town-California.

The tale centres around a disenchanted local barber, Ed Crane (Billy Bob Thornton), who discovers that his wife Doris (Frances McDormand) is having an affair with her boss Big Dave (The Sopranos’ James Gandolfini). A way out of this humdrum existence is offered to Ed when a flamboyant entrepreneur from out of town offers him a business proposition for which he is required to raise $10,000, which he decides to raise by blackmailing Big Dave. In typical Coen Brothers fashion, this simple attempt at extortion has disastrous and far-reaching consequences for all involved.

This is undoubtedly Thornton’s film; his performance as Ed is understated yet mesmerising and he will surely be considered come Oscar time. Despite having almost no dialogue, Thornton’s face dominates the screen, permanently scowling and permanently smoking, and his almost monotone narration structures the film delightfully. His portrayal perfectly conveys the contradictions at the heart of Ed Crane; a seemingly expressionless, uncaring exterior behind which lies a man obsessively seeking escape, by whatever means it can be achieved. Thornton is given ample support from a fantastic supporting cast. Frances McDormand, the wife of Joel Coen, is as good as ever, if a little underused, as Ed’s alcoholic, adulterous, deeply troubled wife whilst there is a brilliantly, energetic cameo from Tony Shalhoub as the Cranes’ expensive, big shot lawyer.

loan cheque. Fake quotes, and misleading reviews have all contributed to the success of some absolute cinematic horrors.

Familiar faces Warner Bros, 20th Century Fox and MGM, have all been accused of bribing critics with flights, meals and merchandise to secure positive reviews.

Californian pressure group “Citizens for Truth in Movie Advertising” has led the reaction against the studios by taking legal action and holding the potential to take down some big name companies. And citing material describing Battlefield Earth as ‘The greatest movie since Star Wars’, they seem to have a pretty open and shut case.

The plot thickens. Mel Gibson’s wonderfully non-historical The Patriot was promoted in the US with commercials that featured Studio staff masquerading as filmgoers.

But at least they existed. Recent releases including A Knight’s Tale, Vertical Limit and Hollow Man were all endorsed by the entirely fictional ‘David Manning of the Ridgefield Press’, a brainchild of Sony marketing execs.

Sony also broke convention by paying cinemas to show trailers of the film, helping secure it $20m in its first weekend. By all accounts this is a film you would have to pay people to see, so hats off to Sony.

Total exposure is the key to fooling the public into seeing middle of the road films.

The P h a n t o m

Menace, for all its success, secured its opening takings by spreading itself across almost every functional cinema stateside, producing a rather uninspiring per screen average. But the effect was achieved – the opening weekend success convinced the world it was not a dud.

OK. So if the Minister of Propaganda for Sony might be able to convince you that Police Academy XVII is an appealing prospect, what can be done? Fallible critics are no guide, especially after this summer where people have queued en masse to see slated dross like Pearl Harbor and Planet of the Apes. If any of these represents a landmark in film then I guess I’m going to have to fly a plane into them.

In a season of so many upcoming ‘must see’ movies, it comes down to asking yourself the simple question: Why do you want to see this film? Because of the film itself or the studio constructed bandwagon it came in on?

Cert 12 Alejandro Amenabar Nicole Kidman, Fionnula Flanagar, Christopher Eccleston, Alakina Mann 101 Mins

IT’S OFFICIAL: high profile, public divorce works wonders for your career.

Just ask Nicole Kidman who has used her spinsterhood to work herself firmly onto the Hollywood A-list. Gone is the spousedominated ice-maiden none of us had come to know or love. Instead, we’ve got an all-singing, all-dancing, media darling of a movie star and with the spectacle of Moulin Rouge still glittering like a spangly corset in the box office charts, The Others will almost certainly set her on the road to total world domination.

Kidman plays Grace, an overprotective young mother living in a spooky old stately home on Jersey in 1945. The servants have mysteriously done something of a runner, and Grace, whose husband is presumed dead as a result of the war, is

left to look after her two children, both of whom just happen to be allergic to light.

It’s not an ideal situation, but with the arrival of a new set of servants, things seem to improve. This however proves to be a false dawn and soon all hell begins to break loose. Footsteps start to echo down empty corridors, doors open and close at will, and Grace’s daughter Anne (Alakina Mann) starts having in-depth conversations with an invisible boy named Victor.

After a deliberately slow first halfhour, writer/director Amenábar uses every trick at his disposal to really crank up the tension. The camera glides slowly around the truly oppressive Victorian mansion, fog looms threateningly outside every window, light and shadows are used masterfully to make every corner of the perpetually dark house a potential source of supernatural activity. And all the while, one of the most chilling soundtracks since Halloween plays eerily in the background, lulling you into a false sense of security before terrifying you with a sudden deafening explosion of string instruments.

Kidman’s performance constantly wavers between icy indifference and barely contained hysteria and the audience is never entirely sure whether they’re supposed to sympathise with her or not.

Kidman is supported admirably by the two young actors playing her lonely and alienated children. Alakina Mann in particular gives a supremely confident performance as the disturbed – and frankly disturbing – Anne, pouting and arguing like a typical sullen child in between bouts of supernatural possession.

At its worst The Others wallows in numerous Horror movie cliches, Fionnula Flanagan’s salt-of-the-earth Irish wise woman character borders on a stereotypical parody at times, but its to Amenabar’s credit that The Others never becomes overly predictable or formulaic. Flashy special effects are also kept to a minimum in favour of good old-fashioned atmosphere, and the final twist in the tail is an absolute killer.

Ignore the 12 certificate, this is truly spooky gothic horror at its very best.

www.yorkvision.co.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

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FILMS : 21

Best Kept Secret Cutting Pledge James Matejtschuck

Simon Keal

Le Secret Director Starring (France)

Cert 18 Verginie Wagon Anne Coesens, Tony Todd 107 Mins

“SO” SAYS the films editor, “Would you like to review a French film for Vision”?

“Mais oui!” I respond, fondly hoping that I’ll be put on the list for the feel-good gallic hit of the moment, Amelie. Wrong! I’m actually sent off to see Le Secret, the obscure-French-film-about-sex of the moment.

Unfortunately, my knowledge of French cinema is pitiable to say the least.

Oh sure, I’ve watched and tried to understand the Three Colours trilogy, and I know my way round Delicatessen…but when the PR spiel tells the viewer that Le Secret has themes in common with La Separation and Une Liaison Pornographique, I can only hesistantly nod my head in the manner of a man unwilling to reveal how far he is out of his depth. “A frank description of sexual exploration as part of woman’s search for her own identity,” it says here. Oh-la-la!

So it was with a degree of apprehension that I sat down to watch the film.

Would I be shocked by its graphic sexual content? Would I be woken from my false consciousness by its sheer audacity and willingness to flout cinematic convention?

Sadly, not really. The central plot, such as it is, concerns Marie (Anne Coesens), an Encyclopaedia sales woman who thinks she has a happy marriage until she meets a Black American dancer, Bill (Tony Todd), who enthrals her with his intriguing perspective on life and love. Their relationship soon turns to sex, and the film’s central premise is the balancing act Marie has

The Pledge Director Starring (USA)

What is le secret? to make between family life and her secret passion.

So far, so clichéd. At this juncture, director Virginie Wagon should have sought to change direction somewhat, or at least give the viewer some sort of hook to distinguish Le Secret from all the other troubled-relationship movies, arthouse or no. Instead, we’re given rather underwhelming drama startlingly juxtaposed with graphic sex scenes, neither of which are particularly convincing.

If Le Secret was in any way inspired, then such content should at least have some symbolic meaning to the story; here, though its aim is true, the scenes suffer significantly from the fact that the characters are so unengaging. We see Marie having sex with both her increasingly estranged husband and with Bill, and we’re probably supposed to be drawing a contrast between the two or gasping at the

profundity of the film-makers’ vision. In reality, we’re suspecting that the director included the scenes to fill space in her threadbare plot.

Though enlivened by occasional flashes of humour, the film’s sheer lack of wit is almost breathtaking. And without this prerequisite, the film really struggles to say anything at all of meaning, let alone allow us to feel sympathy with its characters. The script merely clunks from one set-piece to another amidst a sea of platitudes and uninspired cinematography.

Le Secret would be significantly improved without the predictable plotting, the lack of humour and the pretensions to arthouse status. In other words, if they’d approached it in a completely different way. For now, though, if you’re as naïve to the charms of French cinema as I am (and even if you aren’t), go and see Amelie instead.

Cert 15 Sean Penn Jack Nicholson, Robin Wright Penn, Helen Mirren 124 mins

THE PLEDGE, the latest offering from Sean Penn of Dead Man Walking, U-Turn and dating Madonna fame, is his strongest film to date. This mysterious psychological thriller rejuvenates the career of Jack Nicholson who is perfectly cast as a tormented, retired cop, determined to make good on an impassioned promise made to the mother of a brutally murdered young child.

True, the whole ‘cop unable to disassociate himself from his former harrowing

It is a testament to Penn’s ever growing directorial prowess and a strong supporting cast that the impact of the film remains powerfully evocative and moving

lifestyle’ is hardly an original concept; but it is a testament to Penn’s ever growing directorial prowess and a strong supporting cast that the impact of the film remains powerfully evocative and moving.

Nicholson is outstanding, as his character struggles to cope with the guilt and shame of failing to deliver on a solemn promise. His mental breakdown is superbly punctuated by dazzling scenery.

The isolation of the snowy white fields and dreamy seclusion of the lakes he frequents act as an ideal backdrop to his gradual descent into self-destruction and mirror his increasing alienation from those around him.

Penn employs subtle metaphors passing through tunnels, clocks ticking away - to expose the blunt sub-narrative of the film: Nicholson is a man whose time is running out. Should he allow his obsessive with one case to dominate him; it could ruin his last chance at happiness which is offered in the potential life of domestic contentment with single-mum (Wright Penn), and her oh so cute daughter, whom he encounters during his investigations. Either Nicholson gives up his obsessional hunt for the mysterious ‘wizard’ of the victims’ stories, or jeopardises his new found sense of belonging.

Other standout performances come from Helen Mirren , in a cameo role, as a psychologist-cum-art critic, who inadvertently probes Nicholson’s sanity, and Eckhart, as a ruthless, manipulative breed of cop, determined to boast his way to the top. Eckhart’s ambition is intelligently juxtaposed against Nicholson’s old school compassion, in a classic good-cop-badcop confrontation that is destined to end in collision.

In short, a film that won’t make it into the Christmas family film category, but should leave the viewer with much to ponder.

Operation Enduring Celluloid In a month when war has dominated our viewing, Vision looks back at the ten best war films ever made. Military expertise: Sam Dudin, Pete Dandy, Ben Wiseman, Chris Bentley, Paul Cosby and Paul Hirons

1 1 Zulu (1964) Director: CY Enfield 100 soldiers, sole survivors of a slaughtered column and abandoned by their allies, stand resolutely in the face of adversity.

Drunken Preacher: “Don’t you realise that four thousand Zulus are on their way here to wipe you out!”

Commanding Officer, “I don’t think so; the British Army doesn’t like two disasters in one day.”

Michael Caine: “Looks bad in the papers and puts civilians off their breakfast.”

5 3

Schindler’s List (1993) Director: Steven Spielberg One of the most harrowing and disturbing movies of recent years, Schindler’s List delivers an unflinching depiction of the horrors of the Holocaust. Told from the point of view of Oskar Schindler, an Austrian factory owner who slowly becomes aware of the appalling acts of inhumanity being committed on his doorstep. Spielberg shows that the true heroes of War are those who refuse to stand by. An incredibly moving and human piece of cinema.

2

7 Dr Strangelove (1964) Director: Stanley Kubrick “You can’t fight in here, this is the War Room!” General Jack D. Ripper uses a legal loop hole to order a nuclear strike on Russia to prevent the communists from stealing the “precious bodily fluids” of American citizens. This act starts the ball rolling towards nuclear holocaust when it is discovered that the Soviets have constructed a doomsday machine that will automatically trigger itself in the case of nuclear attack on Russia. Frantic and hilarious diplomacy ensues.

Full Metal Jacket (1987) Director: Stanley Kubrick Well adjusted civilians broken down at Boot Camp and built up into raging killing machines who stomp unafraid through the ruins of Vietnam singing the Mickey Mouse Club theme. Great dialogue, amazing scenes; a real grunts film.

“Mother Animal’s alright really. He just needs someone to throw a grenade at him for the rest of his life.”

“If they run, they’re Viet-cong. If they stand still, they’re well trained Viet-Con.” (Mother Animal shooting peasants)

Platoon (1986) Director: Oliver Stone Arguably Oliver Stones’s best film.

Platoon is a harrowing account of the Vietnam War through the eyes of Chris Taylor, a young soldier played by Charlie Sheen. Taylor comes from a comfortable background dropping out of college to do his duty in Vietnam he soon realises he has made an awful mistake. Amongst other things the film deals with the degeneration of discipline during the war or ‘Fragging’ as it was termed when an officer is killed by his own men.

Saving Private Ryan (1998) Director: Steven Spielberg Featuring one of the most breathtaking and stomach-churningly graphic battle sequences in cinematic history, Saving Private Ryan vividly evokes the illogical confusion of war, and the fragile relationships formed by those who take part. As the line between good and evil blurs, Spielberg explores the moral implications of war, and the impact on history that one individual can have. Tom Hanks heads an all-star cast in this impressive addition to the epic war genre.

10

6 4

Apocalypse Now (1979) Director: Francis Ford Coppola Inspired by Joseph Conrad’s classic novella Heart of Darkness, Apocalypse Now is a truly nightmarish descent into the insanity of war. Drug-fuelled paranoia merges with graphic violence as Captain Willard receives orders to seek out a renegade military outpost led by a mysterious Colonel Kurtz during the Vietnam War. A horrific and genuinely disturbing montage of death and chaos follows. Stunning performances and masterful direction make this movie a chilling masterpiece.

9

8 The Battle of Britain (1969) Director: Guy Hamilton Telling the story of the fight above England’s green and pleasant land for air supremacy during 1940, this superb film benefits from an amazing attention to detail. So many original planes were bought in for the film that Producer Harry Saltzman could claim to be in charge of the eleventh largest airforce in the world.

Unfortunately the Germans are portrayed as evil, imbeciles, too stupid to realise the foolishness of taking on the RAF, never mind.

A Bridge Too Far (1977) Director: Richard Attenborough Its not often that a film re-tells a story which sees the good guys lose, but A Bridge Too Far is no ordinary film.

Released in 1977 A Bridge Too Far is based on a book written by Cornelius Ryan which went onto become the author’s best seller. The film is complemented by its star studded cast including such greats as Michael Caine, Anthony Hopkins and Sean Connery.

Christmas TV would not be the same without this film!

Lawrence of Arabia (1962) Director: David Lean A magnificent retelling of T.E. Lawrence’s Seven Pillars of Wisdom, is cinematically beautiful, as well as an inspiring story of leadership, honour, and one man’s vision. Some of the finest of all cinematography, helps create some of cinemas most memorable scenes, most notably Omar Sherif riding across the desert towards the camera, and the ship moving through the desert as Lawrence reaches the Suez Canal. Winning seven Oscars; it is truly an epic.

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7th November 2001 yorkVision

WIRED : 22

Electronic Shakespeare?

Triston Attridge THERE IS one experience that most of us can all relate to, and to start with does not seem to directly involve computers at all.

Imagine a rainy day, in a dusky room.

Puberty possibly releasing dangerous hormones throughout the system, and the guys usually slightly sweaty and muddy as they undoubtedly have been playing football over lunchtime. Yes, I am hinting at those years at school, I pause for the sighs of fond reminiscence. Going into the vision further, imagine a book in front of you. This is not any book, this is a Book, or as the teacher will insist is a classic.

Does George Orwell tickle the memory cells? Far from the Madding Crowd, Lord of the Flies, Shakespeare, The Great Gatspy cause you to tremble in fear, or perhaps shiver in pleasure? Of course let us forget for a second the incessant reading of double meaning into each sentence, "Two Legs Bad, Four Legs Good" indeed arrived only due to the obvious conclusion based on the merits of stability rather than the Communist Revolution.

Despite this, we can all acknowledge that some books deserve 'Classic' status.

Animal Farm was a good book, and made a good story in itself despite its political basis, but linking the book is not even necessary. True classics can be appreciated even though we dislike them. T h e y change the world, or give new insight into the reality of this world. So we can have classic books, classic paintings, or even a classic films, but in years to come (queue drumroll) could we ever get a classic computer game?

The first reaction to such a statement is probably along the lines of bewilderment. Associating the likes of Lara Croft with the term 'classic' is definitely a contradiction in terms. One cannot also imagine a teacher going through a game of Doom, step by step, reading meaning into everything. Especially as the original title of the game was to be 'Green and Pissed' to hopefully help indicate they didn't intend any plot apart from mindless death.

Though why is the idea so strange?

The closest media analogy to that of a computer game is probably the film, in

fact it seems very close. Both have moving images, fantastic sound, and sometimes if you are lucky, a well constructed unpredictable plot. A film has a story line with associated script, and so does a computer game. By its very definition a computer game can include extremely good visual effects, and advances in technology

had been written, and no one ever read books, then he would have vanished into obscurity. Rumour has it that last year, more revenue was generated by the computer games industry than the movie, (discounting video rental revenue), and that is certainly nothing to scoff at.

A computer game could have the

And here we have another hidden indication that the creator was tormented as a child, honest itself allow character animation to be realistically repeated n the computer. A film could easily be reproduced inside a computer game, though this would rather remove the gaming element, but why would the added extras that a game entails make a classic game unfeasible?

Interactively could be as Moving Pictures was to Text.

Another point for computer games is that their audience is certainly big enough to warrant classic status. If Shakespeare

twists and turns of a film, the detail of a book, and the added bonus of perfect interactively to draw the player in. Why could we not have a classic computer game being taught in other classrooms of the future for its insight into the world we live in?

Problems do exist beneath the surface, for example, currently computer games are made for one specific purpose, and that purpose alone - To Make Money. The industry at the moment is very cut throat.

in the game you can quickly rack up the body count, but if you choose to stray off the set path the game can quickly turn into a bloodbath of epic proportions.

Give it a chance though and you will discover a game that is a lot more than just mindless violence. The game begins with an impressive cut scene which sees you escaping a police convey as you are being

be badly injured. Choose to hang around and a minute later an ambulance will appear and you can watch as paramedics attempt to help the victim. It's little things like this that make the game such a joy to play.

In the previous two instalments of the game the missions just felt like they had been tacked on as an afterthought. Things are different this time round though, as you quickly find yourself engrossed in what are interesting and exhilarating missions. Each mission can be initiated by visiting certain individuals, or as in the first two games from telephones littered around the city. Each mission begins with a short cut scene, each of which is excellently done. The voicing has to come in for particular mention as it features many celebrities and really helps to set the mood.

The types of mission vary greatly, from acting as a chauffeur to taking part

Grand Theft Auto 3 Robert Roome BEFORE I start this review I feel I should make one thing clear. This is not a game for the easily offended or squeamish. It's violent, sick and most definitely only for adults.

By just sticking to the set path

hauled off to prison.

Once free another fugitive called 8-Ball helps you to flee the cops and this is where the real fun begins.

The action takes place inside Liberty City, which is spread across three impressively large and detailed islands. At the start of the game only one of these islands is open for exploration, but as you progress through the game you gain access to the other two. Its difficult to convey in text just how impressive Liberty City actually is. For instance as you travel around the city you will often witness a mugging in which someone will

Most game development houses have been floated on the stock market, and the necessity of releasing the quarterly results is prompting the practice of dismissing Game Development Studios days after a best selling game was released - take Sierra's recent layoffs at Dynamix studios after they made Tribes 2 for example.

There is no equivalent currently of a high art computer game, the industry is full of games attempting to be Blockbusters and not much else. This isn't to say that such a film could not be a classic, but the chances are reduced.

This drive to make money is therefore irrevocably linked to what is popular, and that is what the target audience wants - and though the demograph for computer games is expanding, most are still young males, who according to some publishers still want violence, or another Lara Croft.

This is at odds with comments on reality.

Tying the two together is a hard task indeed.

The current audience also has other problems. Undoubtedly many, many people play computer games at the moment, and in the years to come this figure will invariably grow, but they are still a bit of a niche market. No in depth computer game of today has yet to reach the mass market - that may change with the advent of mobile phones, and the release of the next generation of consoles. At the moment the typical stereotype of a computer games player is still a teenage boy, with greasy hair and glasses.

Of course, perhaps we already have reached Classic game status already? If you ask anyone who has regularly played computer games, whether they have played any that warrant the title, a fairly common list could be achieved. Tetris took the world by storm for its addiction and simplicity. Guybrush Thweepwood's battle with pirates incited hearts, and Championship Manager kept many a young teenage boy on the straight and narrow.

This list can be arrived at, but show them to someone who has never touched a computer game in their life, and ignorance and nonchalance reigns. So what if Bullet Time out of Max Payne allowed a valid explanation for why computer game heroes were so perfect in what they do?

Within their own corner of society, gamers can award the title toward their personal favourites, but to the rest of the world these are currently meaningless.

What is needed is to make games political, to give them world-wide meaning. Build in to them a hidden message to the masses, which can be appreciated with no prior techy knowledge. This has not been done yet, but in years to come, why could it not happen? The industry could be said just to have entered adult hood, with big business support making top quality games. As it gets bigger, surely there will be room for a superb innovative designer to make their mark on history?

Something is still not quite right with this statement. People play games to enjoy them, be it board or computer. What elevates this into a game is that the player is in control of what happens, and has the freedom to do what he wants. It has been shown that when this freedom is removed, people rightly get upset. When the first CD-ROM drives appeared on the market years a go, there was a genre launched, the Interactive Movie.

These consisted of many video clips, much like that of a movie, but at various points the player was given a chance to choose his course through the film. These choices arrived at obvious intervals - do I turn the villain in to the cops, even though I love her, or let her go? The genre flopped.

The players did not like to be constricted within the steel box of slim possibilities that the designers had placed around them. An interactive movie, the closest there was to a media that could already had classic status, has died.

This pro-player freedom makes the task of constructing a true classic much harder. How does one communicate a message about society, ore even life itself when the player wishes to go about your delicately constructed world as they please?

It would be fantastic if a computer game was placed on desks in classrooms, and dissected at every step. I personally would cheer, but with trigger happy young people shooting all the scientists all the time, how could a message possibly be seen? Hopefully someone else will arrive at the answer.

Byte Size Jonathon White

Bonfire night starts early, with the aid of a Molotov Cocktail. in drive by shootings and assassinations.

There are around eighty missions in total, although not all of them have to be completed to finish the game.

The Grand Theft Auto series has always stood out for its excellent use of radio stations, and this one is no different. There are eight diverse radio stations to choose between, ranging from Hip-Hop to a classical.

Flashback FM even features the soundtrack from the film Scarface.

If really pushed to find a fault with the game it would be that you often end up disappointed with your inability to do something, but this is only because of the high standard in the rest of the game.

Final Word: GTA 3 is the most violent, sick and brutal game on the PS2, but it's also by far the best.

AS CHRISTMAS approaches, the gaming industry is heating up, and the forth coming war between the three next generation consoles even more so. The Playstaion 2 is releasing a gaggle of new games soon, including the eagerly awaited ‘Devil May Cry’ which should hopefuly be here for Christmas. The Playstation 2 people are also increasing their publicity up a notch, with a survey allegedly saying that nearly a third would rather play on a Playstation 2 than go out on a hot date with a girl.

Developers are flocking like mad to the new Mobile Phone formats, and are having to return to the old days of programming when lots of assembly code (hard to use language easily understood by the computer, but not by humans) the success of these sites are being debated though, as most phones still prevent users from pressing more than one button at once, which severely restricts what games can be played.

The International Game Developers Association is growing in strength. The orngnisation was setup to allow game devlopers from across the world to discuss their work in an organised manner.

Student membership can be obtained from their website, www.igda.com, this has the added bonus that one can receive a free subscription of the Game Developer Magazine, which is usually only available to people in the United States, as well as worthy discounts on many game related items.

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MUSIC

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

MUSIC : 25

Running Rings Around the World Following the success of their new album Rings Around the World, James Kelly meets Gruff Rhys, singer with the finest group to come out of Wales since...well, ever - The Super Furry Animals UGH. I feel really ill and have just spent the last few hours attempting to decipher a very dodgy recording of some mumbling Welsh bloke. Or that’s what I would be moaning about if the Welsh bloke in question wasn’t Gruff Rhys of the Super Furry Animals and his drumming companion Dafydd Ieuan. Yay! And the dodgy recording; well, he does quietly mumble but it’s made worse by the rest of the band being so ‘ill’ they can’t participate in the interview but instead play some unknown record from the Seventies at varying speeds and volumes.

Oh yeah, I couldn’t quite hear Dafydd either so I‘ve lost what he had to say on rumours circulating about certain goingson at the Leeds festival. However, all you need to know is that he’d only been up for an hour and was already getting stoned.

And I’m still ill so continue to channel your sympathy towards me. Apart from you in the Staind top because you probably don’t want to share your inner pain with me and it’s nothing compared to the ‘battle of the blood cells’ waging in my body at the moment.

Anyway, it’s been a while since the Furries did a full UK tour and the musical landscape has changed a little bit. Most notably for them, there isn’t the whole flag waving Welsh nationalism going on that there was a couple of years ago.

“It’s probably still going on but we were never into it,” muses Gruff. “Like last time we played in Cardiff I saw a few flags but I think it’s just because Welsh football and rugby teams are so crap that people have to express their identity through some other medium. It’s not for us though – I think flags are just some eighteenth century fad to make out your enemy. It’s fairly off putting in music.”

“It’s two years since our last tour. It’s not healthy to be holed up in a studio.

Actually, it’s exciting for us; it’s the first album to be widely distributed in Europe.

We can now go and play to a new lot of people who aren’t used to us. Places like Kazakhstan. I imagine it’ll be difficult to play in those sorts of places now though…”

The interview is taking place on the afternoon of the first day of American strikes against Afghanistan and the fact seems to be bothering Gruff – he even refers to it during the evening’s gig and ‘It’s Not the End of the World?’ gains new meaning.

“Well, I don’t think anything’s changed since September 11,” decides Gruff. “Everyone’s been saying it’s the day that changed the world; that’s bollocks, it’s just an escalation of the war that’s been going on for ten years. The UK and America have been bombing Iraq everyday for seven years. 600,000 children have died because of US national defences.

“You know, I don’t see any reaction to that en masse. There’s a mass double standard. If it’s on CNN and it’s live then the rest of the world takes notice. I think there was a pattern before September 11. That Bush and Blair are still fuckers hasn’t changed. It’s just frightening how Blair is actively portraying us as the 52nd state and that’s embarrassing. It’s frightening.

We have to travel the world – you know, Rings Around the World (recent single), ha-ha – and we’re prime targets because of that.”

“It’s just sad that people are dying; that’s it,” Dafydd concludes. Both seem very sombre at the day’s events but are stirred into life at suggestions that the terrorist attacks could end musical dissent.

Dafydd takes the lead. “I think people have overreacted to Bobby Gillespie singing ‘Bomb the Pentagon’. I’m sure he didn’t mean to bomb it as a reality. But the sentiment still holds – it still stands for the same evil as before.”

“It’s frightening,” continues Gruff.

“Things like the Rage Against the Machine website were shut down by the FBI and they’re trying to ban them from all radio.”

“They say it’s all about freedom,” intercedes Dafydd, “and that is absolute bullshit if they can do that.”

Gruff finishes, “I mean, Bush wasn’t even voted in and he’s talking about selective terrorism against democracy and the free world. He didn’t even get a majority vote. It’s just so sad.”

Ah, that’s sounding more like the

the most crucial thing because if that were shit we’d have six speakers of crap instead of two. It was a very exciting project for us to do and it is great for people to hear when the technology is widely available.”

Furthermore, this was the album that was supposed to see the ‘Furries hit the heights of headlining festivals with the likes of the Stereophonics, whose musical

attention grabbing that the band can even be forgiven for playing the God-awful hammed-up country ‘Run! Christian, Run!’, the weakest song they’ve ever done. This time they haven’t got their ‘creatures’ with them, which Gruff reveals are to be released as toys in Japan. He also has a rather peculiar tale about the last tour, when they visited Aberdeen…

reveal that their website is ‘superfurry.com’ rather than ‘superfurryanimals.com’ because the latter is a bestiality site. If anyone actually checks that then they are very sad individuals or else Gary Glitter reads Vision. Remember, the Vision Webmaster is watching you…

One final question for Gruff. Do you think that NME’s obsession for all things American is halting the advance of British bands?

“If you’re a good band then there are other avenues,” declares Gruff, “the world doesn’t revolve around the NME. And the

“Last time we played in Aberdeen, this woman had committed a murder , and she came to our gig. She was so deranged she hadn’t got rid of the body and the cops were waiting to arrest her. Obviously we didn’t know any of this and invited her on stage to wear one of our monster outfits” Gruff Rhys, Super Furry Animals band that gave us ‘The Man Don’t Give a Fuck’ and sung about class warfare on ‘Juxtapozed With U’. Of course, the band is also on a new record label since Creation’s demise (Gruff: “We all sat there with the Creation credit card and the first thing we did was go to a casino! I think we were kind of relieved that it was finished”) and have just released their new album as a well publicized joint venture on DVD with specially made videos for each song. Does Gruff feel that this overshadowed the release of the actual album?

“Possibly but we slaved over the making of the DVD for months,” replies Gruff.

“Not many people have heard the DVD but that’s the main package of the release – the DVD. But obviously the sounds, the music and the way it’s being played are

talents we are all so jealous of.

Gruff again picks up the baton, “They’ve said that about every album we’ve ever put out so we don’t really pay attention to it. It shouldn’t be a priority in life. In the scheme of things, at a time of war, it seems quite insignificant whether you become a big band or not. As long as we’re making good records, I think that’s the most important thing we can do.”

This album may not have quite launched them to that big boy level but the band isn’t far off it. The gig tonight is packed and the band turn in a great performance, reeling off many of the singles, such as the swaggering ‘Play it Cool’, ‘Northern Lights’ and the infamous anthem ‘The Man Don’t Give a Fuck’.

The gig and accompanying videos are so

“Last time we played in Aberdeen, this woman had committed a murderer – killed a friend or something – and she came to our gig.

“She was so deranged she hadn’t got rid of the body and the cops were waiting to arrest her. Obviously, we didn’t know any of this and invited her on stage to wear one of our monster outfits. So we invited this murderer on stage – she wore the alien outfit – and when she went home the cops arrested her for murder. That was our last gig in Aberdeen so…”

Both Gruff and Dafydd seem very amused by this - well so am I actually but whereas everyone will think they’re funny rock ‘n roll stars, people will just think I’m a sick twisted individual if I admit it - even though it is slightly distressing. They also

UK’s just a little island; once you get out there and start touring the world, you realize how insignificant it is. It’s very interesting and comic that it’s not as important as it thinks it is. Um…uh…I can’t remember what I was going to say.”

At which point it is perfect to end the interview; such an ending summarizes the haphazard and often chaotic world of the Super Furry Animals. It often seems that they don’t even quite know what they’re up to but there lies their music’s unpredictable beauty. They may have strong feelings on the current war but they’re going to continue waging their non-violent ‘Guerrilla’ (ha-ha, what a pun!) war on ears around the world. Oh, and I still feel ill. Thank you very much indeed for your sympathy.

26 : MUSIC yorkVision

November 7th 2001

Bomb the Dirt

Tom Smithard is a cunt Robin Howells takes a look at the career of Warp’s brilliant, uncompromising and hugely influential electronic duo, Autechre

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November 7th 2001 yorkVision

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MUSIC : 27

Urban Warriors Rae and Blistering Stuart Hallifax The Town and the City tompaulin (Out Now) FIRST THINGS first, tompaulin are meant to “sound like Belle and Sebastian” aren’t they? True they have both boy and girl fronted songs, and they have songs about buses, ‘the boy hairdresser’ and ‘westholme girls’ which mark them out a place in the Smiths-Belle & Sebastian line of indie-ness. Aside from these things it seems just a loose grouping, just like the New Acoustic Movement.

Right then, tompaulin are a six-piece band, complemented by violin/ viola (borrowed from former label-mates Saloon)

and trumpet at most gigs. After a string of singles on various labels (Action Records, the Track and Field Organization, and now Ugly Man, where Elbow started out).

They sing about life in a gritty northern town (Blackburn it seems), affairs with hard-men’s wives, life outside the fashionfollowing hordes, school days and their heroes (one b-side contains only the words ‘Debbie’ and ‘Harry’).

The songs on this album show a remarkable diversity of sounds, from the up-beat

single ‘My Life at the Movies’ to the haunting sounds of ‘The Boy Hairdresser’ and ‘Second Rate Republic’, and with less than typical lyrics conjuring the idea of “poetry wars of 1984” and the “prosehibition of ‘69” with noun-smuggling and such-like (‘Richard Brautigan’) and dreaming of an affair with rich married men to pass the time in a boring job (‘Daydreaming’). The rest of the album carries on in the social-realism theme of much of their back-catalogue, with mentions of being hospitalised and remembering the tattoos of an attacker.

The main failings of this album are, firstly, that it doesn’t contain older releases like live favourites ‘Slender’ and ‘My Life as a Carcrash’ (from 2000’s Carcrash EP), the only exception being a new version of ‘Second Rate Republic’ (from the ‘It’s a Girl’s World’ single). Secondly it sounds at times a little over-produced, in the same way that (here’s that comparison again) the recent releases of a certain Scottish indie band have been criticised for, what is essentially a good indiepop record is slightly undermined by the production being a bit out of sync with their small-label status.

However, even with these faults it is a strong album with several potential future singles. Other set highlights such as ‘On the Buses’ are there and there aren’t any obvious filler tracks. So, they do fit into the badge-wearing Smiths-legffacy side of indie with some songs showing a definite ‘80s indie influence, rather than the wollyhatted New Acoustic Movement, just don’t mention B***e and S*******n.

They sing about life in a gritty northern town affairs with hard-men’s wives, schooldays and their heroes

Sam Stagg Another Late Night Rae and Christian (Out Now) THE LATEST trend in a jaded compilation market seems to be getting famous names to compile their favourite afterhours downtempo cuts, tapping into both a booming demand for chillout collections and the existing fan base of the artists and DJs featured. Foremost among these, along with the Back to Mine compilations, is Azuli Records’ Another Late Night series.

The latest ALN recruits are Rae and Christian. The Manchester hip-hop gurus’ two albums raised the star of soulful UK hip-hop, thanks to an immense record collection ripe for sampling, studio wizardry, and both well-known (Texas) and obscure (local singer Veba) vocal talent. Their label, Grand Central, and their Manchester record shop Fat City have been instrumental in pushing the scene and continuing a musical tradition of innovation in the rainy city. So, a lot to live up to, but ALN does not disappoint - in fact, it’s one of the best compilations I’ve ever heard.

Musically, the album swaps genres effortlessly, from electro, to warped house, to hip-hop, to disco, to the indescribable. First track ‘Heavy Worker’ is a bizarre funk workout, slipping into more conventional R&C territory with laidback hiphop - Boulevard Connection’s ‘Copenhagen Claimin’ Respect’.

The next three tracks are all instrumentals. ‘Come On’

by Joshua, ‘Put That On My Momma’ from Grand Central golden boy Riton, and (Rae and Christian’s live drummer) Dubble

D’s ‘Introlude’, which is pinned together with some unsurprisingly wicked beats.

On track six, crossover guitar band Nash’s ‘100 Million Ways’ is mashed up with The Pharcyde’s acapella from Rae & Christian’s ‘It Ain’t Nothing Like’, for one of the album’s highlights, followed by the immensely funky Only Child remix of ‘Straight No Filter’ by Fumi.

Another highlight is Rae and Christian’s own fantastic uptempo Latino remix of ‘Samba’ from Faze Action, cut seamlessly into an exclusive R & C cover of Parliament’s ‘Flashlight’. Somehow, the possibility of two bespectacled Northerners re-interpreting a funk classic doesn’t seem strange.

Just to round things off, Jose Feliciano, covers ‘California Dreaming’ in a string-laden psychedelic folk wig-out dating back to 1968. It’s possibly unnecessary, definitely hilarious, and certainly excusable given the quality of the preceding 16 tracks.

As an exercise in sheer organic funky pleasure, ‘Another Late Night’ is hard to fault. As an example of home-listening dance music it has few equals.

And as a comparison, it’s at least as good as Rae and Christian’s previous output. Go buy!

King Arthur? Soul Feat Robin Howells Breakin’ Arthur Baker (Out Now) THE EASY money today is arguably made on what could well be the most environmentally sound music in history.

Containing a minimum of 90% reclaimed material from previously used pulp, the sound of malnourished kids imitating Boney M and club-crossover producers sampling Disco records is universal.

Paul Oakenfold, however, archetypal chart-dance monkey-man, is clearly not smarter than the average simian. His label Perfecto seem to have been studying the blueprint upside down, as it were, or possibly back to front. On CD1 of Breakin’, they’ve made the fundamental business mistake of bringing a bona-fide vintage musician, Arthur Baker, out of a cosy retirement funding snooker clubs and inviting him to present his own pastiche of ‘Nu-Skool Breaks’, the music supposedly being made by young people in ‘urban wear’ all over Britain.

The hairy granddad of Electro is assisted in his misguided task by a number of his favourite breakbeat descendants.

They range from the dubiously named

Felix Da Housecat to the simply dubious Utah Saints, and none of them really had the right to refuse, lest some sort of crap metaphor like a musical bailiff were to materialise and settle their undoubted debts otherwise. Felix actually helps turn out one of the better tracks on here, providing his trademark Eighties fixation doesn’t bring you out in a rash, but the ‘New Skool’ collection that makes up the first disc largely falls short of its ambitions.

If a track like ‘Jamaica, C’mon’, featuring DJ Face and Top Cat, sounds any more vital than the rest of the scrawny productions on here, it’s only because Baker jumps on the right bandwagons.

However crudely it’s done, it’s hard to assimilate the influences of styles like Dancehall and UK Garage and not sound at least slightly fresh. Overall, however, the machine-funk’s gone, and just to make it even more upsetting, Oakey extracts his pound of flesh by hammering away at Planet Rock and ending up with the predictably unnecessary ‘Swordfish Mix’.

In case, after listening to the first CD, the uninitiated find themselves wondering who exactly this guy thinks he is, the second instalment of the album offers a brief selection of tracks from his somewhat mythologised career. The original Planet Rock is on there, the record that (possibly) invented Electro, depending on how watered-down you take your history, but then so is a remix of Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Big Love’. It’s up to you to decide whether you can hold your nose and take the rank and fetid with the ever fresh, because there’s unfortunately a rather indiscriminate combination of both on here. It’s also worth noting that the mixing throughout is distinctly pedestrian, and it’s likely that you’ll have to occupy yourself by chuckling at the sleeve art to maintain interest over the entire album.

This may be worthwhile for any fans interested in hearing fifteen new productions, but if, like Afrika Bambaataa and the Baker of the past, you’re looking for the perfect beat, you may be advised to look elsewhere.

John Jackson Souljacker Eels (Out Now) EVER SINCE they crawled onto the scene in ‘96 with debut album Beautiful Freak, the masters of deadpan melancholy and geeky quirkiness, Eels, have never failed to surprise. The last thing Leeds/Reading festival-goers were expecting this year was frontman Mark ‘E’ Everett, sporting a huge beard, launching into up-tempo guitar-laden rock versions of Eels classics.

And so Eels set the tone for their fourth album, Souljacker. Yes, it’s more rock-oriented than previous efforts, with latest single, ‘Souljacker part I’ s dark, grinding guitar riff and thrilling energetic beat. But it’s not all like that. What’s new is the involvement of multi-instrumentalist and ex-PJ Harvey producer/guitarist John Parish. The results are diverse and impressive, ranging from catchy beats courtesy of drummer Butch (‘Friendly Ghost’) to bizarre jazzy interludes (‘Jungle Telegraph’), all made beautiful by E’s idiosyncratic pathos-infused voice that many singers would die for.

However, Eels seem to have concentrated more on musical style than the words.

Lyrically, this is Eels’ weakest offering. E has always been concerned with life’s tragedies and its social outcasts. Who can blame him when he has lived through the untimely death of both parents and his sister’s suicide?

While the lonely Electro-Shock Blues explored these themes alone, masterpiece Daisies of the Galaxy revealed E’s true genius and his masterstroke of balancing intense personal solemnity with the eccentrically uplifting.

Souljacker moves too far into the realms of the absurd and fantastical. Comic-style characters include the misfit-metaphor ‘Dog Faced Boy’ and the downright silly ‘Bus Stop Boxer’. It’s difficult to empathise, and these lack the emotional scope and edge of predecessors such as ‘Susan’s House’ or ‘It’s a Motherfucker’.

For those who’ve never heard Eels (and by the way, you people are really missing out), Daisies... is a far better introduction.

But with such talent on display, this criticism is really just nit-picking. At least Eels, like their more obscure contemporaries Grandaddy and Sparklehorse, retain wry humour and never descend into selfindulgent Radioheadesque übersadness.

At Souljacker’s heart are some gems including the sing-along ‘Fresh Feeling’, ‘Souljacker part II’, which has that endearing nursery-rhyme quality, and the bonus EP, which offers an excellent bluegrass remix of ‘Mr E’s Beautiful Blues’.

And anyone who can write a love song called ‘World of Shit’ (with the deadpan twist ‘In this world of shit / baby you are it’) deserves praise in my book.

M o s t importantly, Souljacker has kept E e l s ’ k u d o s intact.

Despite t h e i r increasing popularity, Eels haven’t sold their soul to the indiepop mainstream, making this freakishly beautiful album a worthwhile purchase.

Reviews by Paul Cosby, Robin Howells, John Jackson, Chris Jones, Rob Jones, Huw Roberts, Tom Smithard Limp Bizkit Boiler "We're the stupidest dumbest band in the world, why would anyone like us?" said a man in his mid 30's wearing a back to front baseball cap and puffa jacket while carrying a skateboard. You're not wrong there Sonny Jim. Hmm, flange effect, loud noise and indistinguishable wailing.

Sounds like every other Limp Bizket 'song', only worse. Now he's talking about 'crawling up your butt hole' but at least Mr Durst repeats many times that he's 'never coming back'. What a pile of toss.

(CJ) Chemical Brothers It Began in Afrika It's obvious why they released this before completing their fourth album. Tom and Ed's latest is a thrillingly explosive acid house single. Full of Safri Duo-esque afro bongos and interlaced with the Brothers' trademark screeches, scratches and breakbeats, this speeds towards a resounding climax. Excellent. Even if the vocal does sound like a tribute to Reeves and Mortimer's Shooting Stars.

(JJ) Beverley Knight Get Up More impressive mainstream pop-soul from one of the charts’ more heartening presences. Although Knight remains the kind of artist who you wish would take a few more risks, she maintains a cool, distinctly classy air on this, her comeback single. A qualified recommendation.

(RJ) SI Futures Freestyle Disco Following their summer mini-hit ‘We Are Not A Rock Band’ , SI Futures hammer home the fact that they are indeed "Not A Rock Band" but rather the bastard offspring of Daft Punk and Kraftwerk.

‘Freestyle Disco’ provides great chin stroking material for quasi-dance fans but your left with the impression that a thousand chimps, given a thousand samplers could produce this a thousand times. Still, the great cod-rave section towards the end is probably beyond all but the most funky of monkeys, party like it’s 1989.

(PC) Muse Feeling Good A lot of people are going to react to badly to this record. It's a ridiculous, tuneless, cock-rock send up of a Nina Simone song that appears to be beloved of many. A shoddy Rhodes part, comedy powerchords and even a tasteful splash of vocoder all feature, and I have to admit it made me quite angry the first time I heard it. That was when, in the interests of journalistic objectivity, I played it, and it was only a matter of seconds before an irate companion cast it from the third-floor window to a messy end below.

It strikes me as possible that Muse are, in fact, comedian Chris Morris' most audacious, envelope-pushing project yet.

Of late I've become reasonably sure that he's been masterminding the band's development right from their genesis as a risible but actually plausible indie trio all the way to today's hilarious incarnation.

(RH) Four Tet Paws EP Do not adjust your set, everything is fine, just sit back, relax and enjoy this disjointed, folky electronica. Sometimes Badly Drawn Boy guitarist and veteran of Fridge Kieran Hebden has produced a futuristic mix of acoustic guitars, surreal electronics and fragile vocals that transports the listener to places of broken, harmonious beauty.

(HR) Belle and Sebastian I’m Waking Up To Us Disappointing stuff. Belle and Sebastian return with a single that is both lyrically and sonically third-rate, what makes it worse is that this is one of Stuart Murdoch’s creations. B-sides ‘I Love My Car’, debuted in their recent tour, and ‘Marx and Engels’ are both far better but this release sounds hurried and without heart. Could Belle and Sebastian soon be giving up the ghost or is this a precursor to a more ‘alternative’ future?

(TS)

28 : MUSIC yorkVision

music@vision.york.ac.uk

November 7th 2001

www.yorkvision.co.uk

Just Divine Let’s get Spiritual Retrospective: on news of their split, Rachel Moss looks back at the superb career of the Divine Comedy OK, I admit it, I’m a little, well, obsessed.

When I won a signed copy of Regeneration, I did bounce around Oxford Street saying “Yesss! Neil loves me!” ignoring the fact that if anyone loved me, it was prize-giving Virgin Radio. And when I read the news that the band that brought me this album had decided to split, I did wander about campus, openmouthed, looking crazed and slightly woebegone. If you know what I’m talking about, presumably you’ve at least listened to the band. If you actually sympathise, you must be a fellow junkie. If you just feel confused, meanwhile, now is the opportunity for me to educate you about The Divine Comedy. So get out your wallet, because obviously when I have finished giving you an overview of the highs and lows of the ten-year history of TDC you will be dying to buy their CDs. Either that or smile pityingly at me.

First off, when people about TDC, they usually mean Neil Hannon, son of the Bishop of Clougher, the foppish velvet wearing musician, singer and lyricist extraordinaire. Once described as having "the air of a defrocked priest," he has presented himself as a casanova, a lugubrious cynic, a breathtakingly romantic poet, and, in the last year or two, perhaps most startlingly of all, as a happily married, trainers-wearing dog owner. Neil gets the most attention as TDC has always been

important album in TDC’s evolution, managing to be both light and funny as well as darkly thoughtful without appearing schizophrenic or clumsy.

Promenade gained for TDC a core fan base and a number of good reviews, but their real first impact on the public came with the release of Casanova in 1996, aided by promotion by, of all people, Chris Evans, who took a fancy to ‘Something For The Weekend’, “You know, my woodshed song,” as Neil reminded a reporter. This wry and cynical album was followed by the idiosyncratically romantic A Short Album About Love less than a year later – short, but oh, so very, very sweet.

TDC finally hit the mainstream with the release of Fin de Siecle in 1998, an exercise in end-of-century angst. Even if you don’t know the album, you probably recognise ‘National Express’, TDC’s only single to have hit the top ten, which is unfortunate, because although it’s a fun song, there’s more interesting material on the album. ‘Certainty of Chance’ for instance is sublime, with a spinetingling orchestral interlude. Certainly if you like a lot of instruments this is the album to listen to, as it features a full orchestra and plenty of sweeping “big sound” passages.

Now they had captured the public’s attention, TDC could afford to bring out a “best of” album called A Secret History in

Penny Brook An Evening with Spiritualized Birmingham Academy Thursday 4th October WITH THE release of their new album Let it Come Down on the 17th of September, Spiritualized, or more accurately, Jason Pierce plus musicians, found themselves on tour in Birmingham one random Thursday evening. The words ‘grand’, ‘visionary’, ‘enormous’, ‘epic’ and so forth haven’t been used as much in the past few month for any other band.

Perhaps its due to the fact that they have just released their fourth album, and gained a 100-piece orchestra in place of the usual band members, under the command of singer Jason Pierce. Despite the absence of some 70 members of this orchestra, Spiritualized’s performance at Birmingham Academy was an unforgettable one.

It’s always a bit of a gamble going to see a band whose albums are not a part of your collection and whose faces you wouldn’t recognise, especially if you’ve only heard three of their songs. However, I soon found I knew more Spiritualized tracks than I realised, whether that was because they all sound the same or because they verge on the hypnotic, droning side of noise so that only my subconscious remembered them I don’t know.

Frontman Jason Pierce does seem to insist on talking about how tired he is, or how much he loves some girl, all the time. His new material appeared to be more about being in love than being tired, but it’s hard to tell what someone’s singing when the noise of a 30-piece band is coming at you from all sides. Even when the brass weren’t playing, the constant rhythmic drone that underlies most of the tunes goes on. Who knows what creates it? There are so many instruments playing at any one time in any Spiritualized song that it’s usually a mystery what the fuzzy noise at the back is.

Anyone who has listened to their

album back-to-back will know how much they like to carry on with their tunes after you’d imagine everyone’s gone home. In half an hour, only three songs were through. Droning bits of guitar, lone trumpets, repetitive keyboards riffs and Pierce’s own vocals kept going on and on, like they were auditioning for the Duracell advert, blurring each song into the next.

But just when you start calculating how much time it would take to get to the bar and back to get a pint, the next tune kicks in with a new wave of energy which just absorbs you and everyone around you except the mental bloke in the corner who’s acting like he attempted to imitate Jason Pierce’s renowned drug-habit all in one go before the gig.

The set excluded the new single ‘Stop Your Crying’, ‘Broken Heart’, and ‘Ladies and Gentleman we are Floating in Space’, giving way to some new material peppered with a few favourite oldies such as ‘Electricity’ and ‘I Think I’m in Love’.

The multi-layered sound that was being projected was amplified by intense lighting effects, distorting everything in the room and giving a very trippy feel to everything. With the brass blaring and the lights blinding, Jason Pierce’s lazy, exhausted vocals repeated over and over in a hypnotic cycle. The new album probably doesn’t sound half as good on stereo, nor would it leave you half deaf and blind.

Expect your senses to be fully assaulted at An Evening with Spiritualized.

Ten Songs about York Sam Walton Ben and Jason York Fibbers 15 October his vehicle, and he is the only member to have been in the band since the beginning, but it would be unfair not to mention the other talented people who have worked with him. Joby Talbot is a gifted composer in his own right who has been working with Neil since 1993, whilst Ivor Talbot and Bryan Mills went to school with Neil and have been performing with him for some time. Rob Farrer has been collaborating with TDC since 1995, on and off, whilst Stuart Bates and Miggy Barradas are newer members; the latter is recognised as one of the best drummers in the industry.

TDC began life as an REM-influenced indie rock band with Fanfare for the Comic Muse in 1990 when Neil was only 19. Record sales were poor and the band as it then was split, and Neil decided that the “other musicians in there [the band] locked me into the mindset that we were going to be the new REM… I just thought, fuck this, I’m really going to get to the bottom of what I want to do.” And so, after a lot of work, Liberation was born in 1993, which features the gloriously sunny ‘The Pop Singer’s Fear of the Pollen Count’, which was re-released in 1999.

With Liberation, as the name suggests, Neil made a clear break with his old material and began to write the type of music that really interested him. By 1994, with the release of Promenade, many of the signature features of TDC were in place, from the sublime silliness – what other band would open with the words “rub a dub dub, it’s time for a scrub”? – to the lovely orchestration found on ‘Neptune’s Daughter’. Sometimes it tries too hard - Neil has described it as “taking pretention to an art form” – but it is an

1999, which is essentially the cream of their previous albums (with the exception of the bizarre Noel Coward cover, ‘I’ve Been to a Marvellous Party’, which surely Neil put a dance beat to only for his own amusement). It also features the previously unreleased ‘Too Young to Die’; this song is interesting in light of the release of Regeneration, the lyrics saying: “Now it’s time to say goodbye/To my suit, my shirt and tie… Maybe it’s time for a change.”

And a change it certainly was. By 1999 Neil had settled down with wife Orla and was looking to take TDC in a new direction. Now more comfortable with himself, he no longer felt the need for the suits that pigeonholed him as a dandy who wrote quirky lyrics, and he felt the days of bombastic big orchestral pieces were behind him. By signing to Parlophone Neil made a break from his old look and was free to develop in a new way. So Regeneration is a much more pared down album, the first not to feature his picture on the sleeve; it downplays personality and focuses more on the ensemble effort.

I personally do miss the lush sounds of old and the obvious quirkiness, but it is still some of the most intelligent music out there.

Now it seems that Neil and the other members are ready for another change.

Joby Talbot, Rob Farrer and Ivor Talbot are part of Billiardman, a band without vocals that shows signs of promise, whilst Neil remains signed to Parlophone and may continue recording under the DC name. I find it unlikely that we will not hear again from such a talented musician, but in the meantime look out for the sweet new release, ‘Perfect Lovesong’, and get yourself some divinely inspired music.

You know it makes sense.

“WE’RE NOT ‘New’, we’re three years old. We just haven’t done anything yet”, quips Ben Parker, one half of the NAM “godfathers”, Ben & Jason, shortly after coming on for tonight’s encore. NAM? That’s New Acoustic Movement, in case you didn’t know. Go on, scratch your chin and look pensive - it’s all the rage these days. Y’see, that’s what NAM’s all about: it’s the thinking man’s pop (if you believe the hype); sensitive, soothing, angsty, melodic, and characteristically played by two ugly males with acoustic guitars.

Tonight, Ben & Jason fit that bill perfectly. The show is “nice”, as in the kind of thing your mother would like, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Opening with the most sentimental song off the new LP, ‘Figertipping’, they rely mainly on material from Ten Songs..., only falling back to past glories on the ever-beautiful ‘Adam & Lorraine’, the lyrical gem that is ‘Romeo & Juliet Are

Drowning’, the first section being performed virtually a cappella, and ‘Air Guitar’, the song which has become something of a NAM anthem since its brief foray into the lower echelons of the charts in the early month’s of 2000.

The new album’s more polished, wellproduced tone was bound to produce some wonderful live arrangements, and tonight it certainly didn’t fail to deliver. Ben’s considerable vocal talents are shown-off to the full with gorgeously bleak, tender versions of ‘Duet’ and ‘Let’s Murder Vivaldi’ standing out in particular, and ‘Great Days’, which is quickly becoming a live favourite, also doing the job. The dreary sing-along of ‘How The Hell Do I Explain’ provides an opportunity to make a trip to the bar, but this is a glitch in an otherwise flawless performance.

But, as is customary for a great gig in a small, sweaty venue, the fun starts at the end. The closing song on the new album, ‘I Won’t Look Down’, presented in stunning style, building from nothing to a full, rock-out finale, is followed quickly by the ever-present ‘Air Guitar’, with the band storming off-stage triumphantly, only to return minutes later to cover Bowie’s ‘Star Man’ with considerable panache. ‘Wild

The show is ‘nice’ as in the kind of thing your mother would like, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that Things’, the recent single, closes the set on a distinctly pop but ultimately uplifting note, and they band saunter off stage, arms aloft, lapping up the applause they more than deserve.

Their gracious, self-deprecating humour throughout makes you realise what a find a band like Ben & Jason really are. They exhibit almost instinctive pop sensibilities all over, mixed with a dab of rye humour to keep the crowd onside.

Apparently, they “haven’t done anything yet”, but most people would beg to differ.

And, on the strength of tonight’s outing, they’re going to do be doing a lot more before long.

www.yorkvision.co.uk

media@vision.york.ac.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision MEDIA

MEDIA

: 29

US campus press reacts to growing Anthrax fears Oh for the FA Cup and return to MOTD

Robert Harris

IN the weeks since September 11, it would appear that the media has been doing the job of spreading terror for the terrorists. The spate of suspected anthrax attacks across Britain has been heavily sensationalised adding to the growing sense of fear gripping not only this country, but across the world.

Although across the Atlantic Anthrax has already claimed a number of lives, the disease has yet to penetrate this country. However, the Britain’s tabloids in particular have wasted no time in splashing front pages with doomsday-type scenarios dominated by pictures of people in bright yellow protective clothing.

Guides about how to protect yourself produced by newspapers have sparked panic buying of gas masks and protective suits in shops across the country. In fact, newspapers are benefiting from the panic they are seemingly creating, with a number of publications carrying adverts for the kits to supposedly protect yourself from a chemical attack.

However, in America where Anthrax has already proved fatal, campus newspapers have Paul Dunsire been dominated by the fears over homeland security as new cases of the disease and countless other false alarms have emerged in recent weeks. The university press has been reportSO, ITV have finally seen the light! Well maybe ing extensively the growing threat to stunot quite, but realising 7pm is not the right time dents’ safety, with many universities having to show Premiership football is a start. the advantage of a daily student newspaper As many football fans, like myself, yearn for to provide the most up-to-date information. the days of Match of the Day, of Gary and Lawro The Middlebury Campus reported last and Motty, the 10.30pm timing of The week that universities across the Ivy League Premiership (what an original title! — even The ITV’s football team (from left): Ally McCoist, Des Lynam and Terry Venables Big Match is a more imaginative are trying to ease students’ fears about name, although it must be said it half-time whistle, start of the sec- uling was to encourage more Blind Date, or Stars In Their bioterrorism as they remind students to be hardly took Shakespeare to come ond half and full-time whistle women to watch football. This Eyes or whatever will allow them mindful of suspicious packages. up with MOTD), offers only were always shown in the two timing was a serious gamble, and to compete better with the other Administrators have collaborated with local one that did not pay off (and let’s channels. main matches. some level of comfort. authorities and even created plans to handle What if the gamble had paid On ITV, you are lucky to get face it, there was a lot to pay off).

What was wrong with ITV’s possible bioterrorist attacks. These measITV attempted to find a new off and ITV had managed to offering? First of all, when you this illusion in even one match, ures, according to some school administraImages that help to create panic watch any sports programme, and even then it nearly always breed of fan in a few ways, the bring new ‘fans’ to the game tors, are precautionary rather than reacmost notable being the Coca- thanks to its 7pm timing. Then you would expect the action to involves Merchandise United.

Meanwhile, Princeton’s Frist Campus tionary.

I could go on, and in fact will. Cola advert, featuring friends we genuine fans would be stuck do the talking. This does not hapThe Harvard Crimson has sent out a Center was the scene of an anthrax scare The Premiership relies too heav- and relatives of some players, with that time, and with a poor pen on The Premiership. last week, with the culprit believed to be warning to US president Bush through its sugar from a nearby cafeteria.

We do not want to see a cosy ily on gimmicks. Who cares like Robbie Savage, David Dunn quality highlights show with leader column to be conscious of the need to chat between Des, Ally and Tel. about Terry Venables and his stu- and Lee Clark. Hardly the hardly any actual matches.

Shortly after 8 pm, a graduate student Moving to 10.30 is a start, keep the public well-informed about the was checking his e-mail on a computer We want to see Liverpool v Man pid Pro-Zone? Where is Trevor biggest names in football.

That brings me on to another but changes need to be made to state of the conflict.

Utd, Arsenal v Spurs, or even Brooking and his incisive analywhen he noticed white powder on the keySouthampton v Derby (no sis? Now there’s a man who thing. ITV have not moved the the make-up of the programme, It adds that providing detailed informa- board. A hazardous materials team from programme because football fans otherwise the real fans will be offense intended to fans of either knows something about football. tion of bombing raids will retain public con- Trenton sanitised the area and the floor The ‘celebrity’ of football is want them to. No. ITV have completely alienated. of these two ‘massive’ clubs). fidence, pointing out that “dissenting voices reopened shortly after 11 pm A state laboRoll on the FA Cup, and the Not that we would ever see given too great an emphasis. One moved it because of declining are becoming louder touting this conflict as ratory is currently testing the powder and return to MOTD signifies. of the reasons for the 7pm schedviewing figures in that time slot. much of Southampton or Derby a reprise of the disastrous Vietnam War”. will have results later this week. anyway, unless they happened to On the current unease over security The discovery of anthrax in a New be playing Man Utd, Arsenal, across America, Crimson suggests that gov- Jersey regional post offices halted mail Liverpool or Chelsea, who THE general consensus across campus is that superior to ITV’s McCoist, Townsend, Venables ernment officials scare tactics, warning peo- operations at Princeton University last always seem to get preferential the moving of highlights to ITV from the BBC and Lynam, although Venables and Lynam ple to remain on high alert and to expect Friday, prompting admissions officials to treatment. MOTD made sure has been a bad thing, writes SAM PEDDER. remain popular. future terrorist attacks, are “highly unhelp- issue a statement that they “plan to be flexevery side was featured at least a Nine in ten of students surveyed believed that The in depth analysis provided on the BBC is ful”. ible with the early admission deadline of few times each season, and a ‘six the highlights should have stayed at the Beeb, also seen as having surpassed what we now have The Yale Daily News reports that the November 1.” pointer’ between two relegationwith the main reason being cited that ‘if it aint on ITV. recent anthrax scares has prompted Yale When a single colony of anthrax was threatened sides would be seen broke, don’t fix it’. Only 5% believed that if ITV The only aspect of The Premiership which President Richard Levin to create a task detected in the post office, the primary were prepared to pay for it there was no reason seems to be more popular than MOTD is the as more worthy of showing than why they shouldn’t have it, while the remaining theme tune — U2’s Beautiful Day — with stuforce to evaluate the current state of campus source of Princeton University mail, unia match one of the big guns is 5% had no opinion on the matter. dent Andrew Kerr saying “It’s the right song!” almost bound to win. security. versity officials immediately discontinued The Premier League itself came in for critiNo-one asked thought that The Premiership It remains to be seen whether Although the task force has made it a pri- all delivery of mail throughout the campus. was a better programme than Match of the Day, cism, being accused of sacrificing quality for ITV will think the same. Even ority to ensure a calm, rational response to a The news comes only two weeks since with most suggesting that the ITV product was of money, as Adam Dady said “It is just another though MOTD was just a highpossible outbreak, some local health offi- another post office serving Princeton was case of the Premier League selling its soul for a lower quality than the BBC’s. lights programme, you somecials think the public — Yale students closed due to anthrax being detected there.

The MOTD team of Hanson, Lineker, money at the expense of the average fan”. A littimes felt you had watched a full While concerns grow over chemical included — might not be so quick to abanBrooking and Lawrenson was seen as being tle dramatic perhaps, or is it? game of football. The kick-off, attacks in America, a new poll of students don their fears. across America reveals that most support the US-led airstrikes on Afghanistan.

However, although 79 percent favour the raids, nearly a third oppose sending A CAMBRIDGE University worker has resigned STUDENTS in Bath are being targeted by a fraudster ground troops and a third said they would following the discovery of a web cam in a who plays on people’s sympathies in order to gain not serve in the army if the draft were reindepartment's ladies’ toilets. large sums of money. stated, according to a recently conducted The camera, in the Department of Experimental The female culprit, believed to be in her late twenties, survey at the Institute of Politics.

Psychology, was linked to one of the technical staff’s usually preys on couples and small groups in the city Meanwhile, a series of incidents across computer. centre.

US campuses have sparked a censorship Varsity points out that there is no evidence that images Three female students who were recently targeted by debate in the aftermath of the September were recorded or broadcast on the internet and leaving O’Neill’s Bar spoke to Bath’s Impact about their 11 attacks.

Cambridge Police said that “there doesn’t appear to experiences. The woman, who appeared distressed with A banner hanging from Yale’s Old be any evidence of criminal activity”. watery eyes, approached them with her mobile and Campus Durfee Hall that read “Kill ’em Elsewhere in Cambridge, several St Catharine’s bankcard in her hand. all, let God sort ’em out” has provoked outstudents were hospitalised following incidents that the Describing a argument with her boyfriend who had left rage amongst large sections of students and Dean of the college described as “bad behaviour” and her in Bath, she claimed that she had no money or way of university officials. Yet the Yale Daily “rudeness”. getting home. She went on to tell the group that her News says that university officials should Senior Tutor Dr P N Hartle has strongly condemned wages hadn’t been paid into her account and that her err on the side of tolerance rather than centhe “excesses of drunken naked girls running across YORK is not alone in the student accommodation sorship and promote open discussion. phone had run out of credit. college,” which resulted in the temporary closure of crisis that hit the campus at the start of term. In The incident at Yale is not the only The woman then asked the Bath students for forty pounds the all-girl college’s bar.

Newcastle, The Courier suggests that its housing crisis example of attempts to quell offensive for a taxi to get home, who offered to accompany her to a is the result of an increase in admissions through speech on campus communities in the police station. However, help from the authorities was DURHAM’S Palatinate has reported extensively on clearing. One month into the new term, at least 200 aftermath of the attacks. Several weeks refused, as is the case in other cases that have emerged. the conviction of a man of the manslaughter of a first years are still waiting to be accommodated. ago, students swarmed around the office of Durham student.

Lancaster’s Holiday Inn hotel has been home for 50 the University of California at Berkeley’s LANCASTER University wants college bars to Seven months after the death of Patrick Brown, the jury students for their first fortnight at the northern Daily Californian after the newspaper pubmake a substantial increase on past profit levels returned a not guilty verdict on Wednesday October 24, campus. lished a cartoon featuring two bearded men and it is feared that prices of popular drinks such as on the main charge of murder but convicted 24-year old One outraged student told Scan that they wished their in hell wearing turbans and long robes sayGuinness, bottled beers and alcopops could soar to Christopher Woolley on a secondary charge of applicant had been rejected by the university, where ing: “We made it to paradise! Now we will help reach the new targets. manslaughter at Newcastle Crown Court. where “computer error” has been blamed for 250 meet Allah, and can be fed grapes, and be Scan reports that the University has told bars it wants Brown was a 21-year old second-year student at students being made homeless. serviced by 70 virgin women, and —” to increase average profits from 53% to 60% in the University College studying Russian and European In Manchester, a group of students have taken their As the threat to homeland security in coming year. Currently, students pay £1.75 for a pint Studies. He died when a night out in Newcastle went landlord to court after he failed to repay their America grows and the uncertainty worsof Guinness on campus, with alcopops the same price. tragically wrong and on arrival back in Durham he fell deposits. Student Direct suggests that if Nazir Banday ens, the student press in America will have Bottled beers are £1.45, with bitter £1.35 and lager down the embankment between the railway station and refused to return deposits on all his near-100 a particularly important role in quelling the £1.60 per pint. the road bridge to the City Centre. properties he could make an estimated £8,000 a year. panic being created across the nation.

ITV in tune but out of touch, say students

VISION’S WRAP OF THE HEADLINE-MAKING STORIES FROM UNIVERSITIES NATIONWIDE o

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The Student Press

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30 : ARTS yorkVision

November 7th 2001

Top Marks?

Huw Roberts HOWARD MARKS, celebrated drug smuggler and drug taker, folk hero and adopted godfather for stoners everywhere.

This man is a living legend. Charismatic and entertaining, a truly lovable scoundrel.

So after his best selling autobiography Mr Nice comes this, Howard Marks’ Book of Drug Stories, which is to be released soon as a book, but is reviewed here in the form of audio cassette.

Read in softly spoken Welsh tones, the Oxford educated Marks sounds like a wise, if somewhat stoned, old uncle telling a child a bedtime story, only of the many aspects of the drugs world rather than tales of magic and adventure; although perhaps the two aren’t too far removed.

This really is a bizarre journey through the wide ranging world of drugs and the partaking, dealing, preparation and general experience of. cannabis, opium, cocaine, LSD, speed, ecstasy, and even poisonous toads - just some of the substances featured in the broad gathering of writings. Indeed, in the words of Hunter S Thompson “A whole galaxy of multicoloured uppers, downers, screamers,

COMPETITION TIME! Which university did Howard Marks attend?

To enter email us at competitions@vision.york.ac.uk

laughers” are described including an extract written by the chief gonzo journalist and drug taker himself.

As an introduction to the collection we are told that these extracts are not an appeal for the legalisation of cannabis or any amendment to the drug law. Rather they are stories of “Interest, rarity, amusement, provocation” and it is true that the pieces are highly interesting and give a highly informative account of the many differing lives of all those involved with drugs. The world of drugs is one of both myth and mystery that holds a strange fascination as we are compelled to find what it is that these men and women who are involved in the drugs trade get up to and the type of lives that they lead.

The spectrum of the authors featured is huge and their backgrounds diverse as they tell of their experiences as users, traffickers, smugglers and prisoners. A Harvard Professor, who neither drinks or smokes tells of the relief offered by smoking cannabis when he was undergoing treatment for cancer. A 50 year old man expounds on the taking of ecstasy for the first time and his enjoyment of the drug regularly thereafter. Famous literary figures and famous drug users ranging from Charles Dickens to William Burroughs are featured and Alduos Huxley’s name is heard more than once as we travel back and forth through extracts from the 19th, 20th and 21st centuries.

Some of the most entertaining extracts concern the subject of hallucinatory drugs and their discovery. The excitement, these people who really thought they were on the edge of something big, something new, something to really open the mind, an experience, a trip. Turn on, tune in, drop out – yeah!

On the darker and sadder side of things we hear of Burroughs on a bad peyote trip and of alcoholics who drink each others’ urine to remain inebriated for as long as possible.

These tales really do prove to be source of great provocation of thought and discussion. One of my favourite extracts was concerned with the subject of television as a drug and of television addiction that made for highly interesting listening and contained some worrying facts. But therein lies the problem: As a book this would be excellent to dip into and would make for a fine, very

ARTS

arts@vision.york.ac.uk

november

ON YORK

...WHAT’S AROUND Theatre Royal

Les Liaisons Dangereuses Main stage Sat 6 Oct - Fri 16 Nov (in reportoire) The Blue Room Main stage Thurs 11 Oct - Thurs 15 Nov (in rep) A Midsummer Night’s Dream Main stage Fri 12 Oct - Sat 17 Nov (in rep) South African Gospel Choir Main stage Sun 18 Nov (in rep) Manon Main stage Fri 23 Nov (in rep) La Traviata Main stage Sat 24 Nov (in rep) The Importance of being Earnest Main stage Tue 27 Nov - Sat 1 Dec (in rep)

EXIBITION SQUARE, YORK BOX OFFICE: 623568 West Yorkshire Playhouse

interesting read, as an audiocassette however it is just, well, a little boring. I mean, the idea of listening to Howard Marks reading a load of stories about drugs is quite bizarre. This is definitely a unique collection, but anybody who has read Howard Marks’ autobiography will be severely disappointed, for although some of his own anecdotes are included and stoned wisdom are dispensed, they form a small part of a large collection. The

largest disappointment lies in the fact that these sections were for me the most entertaining of the whole collection cassette as he speaks with intelligence and charisma and outright hilarity as his large personality shines through. Why can’t we have heard more from the man whose name features so prominently in the cassette’s title?

So, interesting? Certainly. Amusing?

In places. Provocative? Highly.

Disappointing? Definitely.

Voyeuristic viewing in York Vision sent Cerian Morgan to cast her critical eye over The Theatre Royal’s production of The Blue Room AS PART of the repertoire season, The Blue Room makes for revolutionary viewing, particularly given the traditional surroundings of the Theatre Royal. In contrast to the unorthodox Donmar Warehouse where this play was first staged, the juxtaposition of classical theatre and risqué scripts are unlikely bedfellows (pun intended). For, in case you had somehow escaped the hype surrounding Nicole Kidman in 1998, this is a cutting edge play, and how lucky we are that it is now showing in York.

Essentially, Hare’s updated script of Schnitzler’s La Ronde is one of the pioneers of contemporary voyeuristic writing, categorised with the likes of Marber’s Closer, also recently in York. Its approach is to cross the boundaries of theatre employing shock-tactics that leave little to the audi-

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ence’s imagination.

And what of the result? Is this seemingly pretentious genre of play actually a success, given the precedent set by a disrobed Kidman?

The Blue Room’s four actors takes the audience from the seedy end of town by the river (with seedier consequences) to the bohemian atmosphere of an eccentric actress’s dressing room, during which we are confronted with a series of sex scenes.

Later in the play we meet a variety of characters, spanning the socio-economic scale. Hare gives us the works; sex, drugs and rock and roll of a different nature. He also gives us comedy, mostly at the expense of his characters.

We are never in a position to sympathise fully with the characters as they are rarely in contact with us for longer than two scenes. In any event, the aim is not to draw us into a complex character examination or at least not an explicit one.

Indeed, the explicit and implicit priorities of this play are clearly at odds.

Is this a play about betrayal? On the face of it, yes. However, on the other hand we never get to know the objective behind these seemingly lifeless, but by no means amoral, people who interact on an animalistic, frenzied level. Its agenda is not betrayal, duplicity, intrigue or perception.

At its deepest level, sex is not glamorised in this play and neither is the message behind it. Despite the cyclical theme we never quite know what is going on, and

which character is going to deceive another, and the audience. Maybe this complication is the point that Hare is trying to express.

This is not to say that it is devoid of passion. Indeed, taken to mean carnal lust or desire this is the explicit theme of the play, and it does it exceptionally well; helped, it is clear, by some faultless acting.

There is never more than a man and a woman on stage at any one time, and we become preoccupied with pondering the concept of male/female rapport for the characters are patently heterosexual.

Whether the man or the woman is the predator is a key aspect to the play. It is not always a given, but where it is, it makes the entanglement all the more poignant.

Differing attitudes towards sex are also overtly expressed. A clear division is made when the student congratulates himself on “fucking a married woman”, and yet the au pair wants to be told “in words” what her lover feels.

Strangely, however, it works. Apart from a slight lull about three quarters of the way through, this is gripping theatre.

Paradoxically, the message is not complicated although it is implicitly disguised as being so. The music adds to the atmosphere without directing the mood and the resultant feeling contrasts with the initial one we have, in that it is arguably optimistic.

Dangerous Corner Courtyard Theatre 7 Sep - 13 Oct Le Costume Quarry Theatre 10 Oct - 20 Oct Tiny Dynamite Courtyard Theatre 16 Oct - 20 Oct Stolen Quarry Theatre 23 Oct - 27 Oct Eden End Courtyard 26 Oct - 24 Nov

PLAYHOUSE SQUARE, LEEDS BOX OFFICE: 0113 213 7700 The Shed

OFFBEAT, LIVELY JAZZ CLUB Rory Motion & Matt Harvey ‘Comedy from Radio 4’ Sat 10 Nov, 8pm £10 Hat ‘4 monologues with knitting’ Fri 23 Nov

BRAWBY, NR MALTON BOX OFFICE: 01653 668494 Centre for Early Music Anindya Bannerjee & Sarathi Chatterjee Fri 9 Nov The Scott Hamilton & John Bunch Quartet Fri 16 Nov Departure Lounge: Experimental Music Group Fri 30 Nov

WALMGATE, YORK BOX OFFICE: 658338 East Riding of Yorkshire Council International Chamber Music Wed 21 Nov Celebrity Recital (Stefan Popon & Elizabeth Altman) Thurs 22 Nov The Aquarelle Guitar Quartet Thurs 29 Nov - Fri 30 Nov

VARIOUS LOCATIONS BOX OFFICE: 01482 392651

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November 7th 2001 yorkVision

arts@vision.york.ac.uk

Spotlight on campus drama

ARTS : 31

Thu-A Anh Mac catches up with this term’s batch of student directors and sees what they have to offer the Drama Barn.... Photos by Alex Kiehl

Teechers

Antigone

2rd Yr English students

Director: Madi Pennell

Wk 9 Running time: Approx 2 hrs Previous directing experience: None Previous acting experience: ‘Julius Caesar’, ‘Antony and Cleopatra’, ‘The Fabulous Mr Hitchcock’ (devised piece) Playwright: Jean Anouilh, Translated by: Aniel Biltoo

2rd Yr English student Week 5, running time 1 hr 30 mins Previous directing experience: None Previous acting experience: ‘Five Play Chess,’ (experimental theatre), Rhinoceros - (Ionesco), A Respectable Wedding (Brecht) Teechers Playwright: John Godber Why Teechers?

I saw it when I was ten in a theatre in Leicester and found it a very funny play. As this is my directing debut I wanted to tackle something that would stretch me. I’m hoping that it will contrast nicely with the tragedies on offer this term, as Teechers will be the only comedy showing! However, although it’s a comedy it also has a strong social point to make.

Background/Plot Three teenagers at school, Hobby, Salty and Gail are children from an under-privileged background. They discover their strengths in drama and put on a show, itself a parody and comical portrayal of school life.

Their acting is somewhat over the top; the characters they play are hilarious stereotypes.

What are the key themes you want to explore?

I want to bring out and emphasise the fact that these are kids who have been shunned by society. That their lives ultimately, for all the comedy in the play, are ones that lack opportunities. These are kids who have been let down by society and will probably go straight on the dole when they leave school. I want people to leave the play, having enjoyed an evening of good comedy but to leave thinking about these issues. I want to make a social point.

Directorial style I do have definite ideas although I like all my actors to have a creative input. I like everyone to have a say in the matter.

Was casting difficult at all?

About forty-two people auditioned for three parts. The standard was extremely good and it was a tough decision in the end. The three I did cast in the end are absolutely brilliant; they’ve gelled really well together.

What do you enjoy about directing over acting?

I like being in control. I would like to see more female directors but of course that’s limited by the number of female applicants wishing to direct. It seems that women want to act more for some reason.

How do you find your role has changed in this transition from acting to directing?

When I was acting I was only concerned with my own role and how the play would end. Now I’m involved with the techie, the set, the music. I have to look at everything as I’m shaping the whole product!

Is there any particular director or film/production you admire?

I loved Moulin Rouge by Baz Luhrmann who also did Romeo & Juliet and Strictly Ballroom. His films are wonderfully theatrical. I also really love the work of Dario Fo and Franka Rama (playwrights concerned with human rights and politics). I also like Alan Bennett and Ariel Dorfman who directed Death of A Handmaiden.

Any further projects in the works?

I’ve got a few in the pipeline...I’d definitely like to direct again but I’d also like to continue with some more acting.

Medea

Director: Choon Ping 3rd Yr English student Week 7 Running time: approx 2 hrs Previous directing experience: Anthony & Cleopatra Previous acting experience: Arcadia, The Misanthrope, The Tempest Medea Playwright: Euripides Background to Medea Preplot: Jason has the task of attaining the Golden Fleece, and in return Jason’s uncle agrees to hand back the throne to Jason. The king who owns the Golden Fleece in turn sets Jason a number of challenges and in exchange he will hand the Fleece to Jason. Jason is aided by Medea, the king’s daughter, who enables him to win the fleece. The play opens in Corinth, Jason and Medea having successfully fled from her father. Jason goes on to betray her, for which Medea revenges herself in a most powerful and destructive way. Events are soon overcome with a thick mix of passions, jealousy, betrayal and revenge as the protagonists advance towards a tragic end. \Why did you choose Medea?

I liked the idea of a very powerful woman. I wanted to explore another of the classical forms. I did Shakespeare which I tried to do as conventionally as possible. I used the thrust stage in Antony & Cleopatra, and kept the rapid flow between scene changes. I now want to explore another classical tradition which I will try and stage as classically as possible. However I am not going to use masks as I don’t feel it will work well in the small venue of the Drama Barn.

What have been your sources of inspiration?

I saw Medea at Queens Theatre in London in the summer, directed by Deborah Warner. I was very impressed by it but felt there many things that were left unsaid. The film by Pasolini starring Maria Callas gave me a source of inspiration as to the mood and the setting. Pasolini’s set was incredibly sumptuous, the scenes presented almost as set tableaus. This helped me crystallize the mood for the script which I then wrote myself.

So you rewrote the script for Medea?

Yes, I had read several translations to try and get a better sense of the Greek original, but was left ultimately unsatisfied with them. I felt they had failed to capture the ceremoniousness of the original. Directing Shakespeare gave me the chance to direct verse drama, and has given me the confidence to construct my own verse drama. Both traditions (Shakespeare and Classical Greek) are similar in the sense that they emphasize speech and vocal work rather than method acting.

How long did it take you to write?

About one month. I wrote the verse in a mixture of iambic hexameters and iambic pentameters.

Were there any difficulties in casting/auditions?

There were varying standards and I was getting worried. It wasn’t until the last five minutes of auditions that I found my male lead.

Have you any further ideas for directing in the future?

Possibly, depending upon the workload I have, although I’ve no specific ideas at the moment.

Directors: Stewart Melton & Jonathan Statham

Background Antigone is a radical reworking by French playwright Jean Anouilh of the original Greek play of the same name written by Sophocles in 5BC. It originally formed the third part of a trilogy based upon the Oedipus myth (preceded by Oedipus Rex and Oedipus at Colonus). Written in the 1940s in Nazi-occupied France, the play presents various moral dilemmas; it explores the concept of honour, both to oneself and to one’s country and the predicament of upholding family ties at the sacrifice of attaining a greater social order.

Plot The eponymous character Antigone goes against her uncle’s orders and buries the body of one of her brothers who has died in a battle for the throne. She is subsequently condemned to death. The play explores the rationale of the King and of Antigone, who, in defying his rule, knowingly condemns herself to death, and whether the concept of tragedy/fate can be averted by the individual.

Why did you choose Antigone?

SM: A very good friend of ours was interested in seeing this play performed but was disappointed with the quality of the translations on offer. We were lucky enough for our friend to translate the script from French into English, which took him approximately four months.

JS: There have been many interpretations of Antigone; we wanted to go for a more modern take on it, infuse it with a new style. It is a well-known myth of Greek tragedy - we all know how the play is to end but we wanted to concentrate and explore on the why, the reason that underlies the final end.

Are there any particular themes you wanted to explore or highlight?

JS: We’re going to look at the themes of the individual, the state and family, and themes of order, chaos and rebellion. We do have lots of ideas but we also want to let the cast explore the play.

SM: We’d like the audience to re-examine the traditional concepts of tragedy and the idea of fate in tragedy.

What’s your favourite or most memorable play/film/production of all time?

JS & SM: Antigone!

JS: We don’t have time to think about anything else!

Any hitches in rehearsals so far?

JS:Not as yet. We tend to make our rehearsals explorative. We ask the actors to contribute their own ideas on interpretation.

SM: Everyone on the team has a creative input, from the cast to the choreographer to the technician.

Have there been any difficulties in co-directing? Have there been any clashes between the two of you?

SM: We meet before each rehearsal and talk about which angles we wish to pursue. We tend to discuss our differences then, rather than in rehearsals. We’ve also been bouncing ideas off each other during the previous term and over the holidays, which have helped clarify our vision for the play.

Any more ideas for future productions?

JS: We have lots of ideas but nothing definite yet.

SM: We’d definitely like to work together again, possibly on Henry V at some point.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Director: Toby Steedman 3rd Yr English student Week 6, running time: 1 hr 30mins Previous Directing Experience: ‘Five Play Chess’ (own devised piece), ‘The Peach Wallpaper’ (own devised piece) ‘On The Razzle’ (Stoppard).

Previous acting experience: ‘Translations’ (Friel), ‘Taming of the Shrew’ (Shakespeare), ‘Rhinoceros’ (Ionesco).

Playwright/Adapted by Dale Wasserman Based on the novel by Ken Kesey Why ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’?

I’ve always liked the book and the film. I saw a production at a local school when I was twelve and really liked it. It’s unpretentiously written, it’s funny, it’s sad and the stage directions are hilarious.

Were there any casting difficulties?

The auditions were great - seventy auditioned! Everyone, bar two or three, were really brilliant which was quite bizarre as that’s not usually the case. I had to think a lot more about ‘looks’ though as the play directions were quite specific about each character.

Directorial style?

I told the cast not to see the film if they haven’t already. The play’s a lot more faithful to the book. The novel centres much more upon the Chief than McMurphy and the play remains faithful to that. The book and the play adaptation make more of a point about institutions and repression of the individual.

Rehearsals are going really well and I have a definite idea of what I want. If I had to describe my directing ‘style’ it would have to be ‘energetic’!

Most of your previous directed pieces have been rather skewed to the light-hearted and comical. Why is that?

I don’t really know actually. I do a lot of stand-up comedy. I’ve done a lot of devised and experimental theatre.

I don’t know how but it’s true that they do seem to have turned into comedies...

Favourite directors or productions?

I think Terry Gillingham is a great director (Brazil, The Fisher King, Twelve Monkeys) and I’m a big fan of the Coen Brothers (Fargo, The Big Lebowski). They don’t pander to traditional storylines, but tell off-the-wall, quality stories.

Any further projects in the work?

I had been writing a play last year but I lost it all on my hard drive! It was actually about an insomniac who lives in a funny dream-like state that’s constantly shifting and changing. He’s unsure which is reality or which is his unconscious as his dreams are so vivid! The play moves from farce to very serious and disturbing. It depends whether I’ll get round to writing it all over again...

32 : BOOKS yorkVision

books@vision.york.ac.uk

October 7th 2001

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BOOKS The ode-ious attraction of magnertic poetry Beverley Nutter THEY SAY that, eventually, a group of monkeys on typewriters could reproduce the works of Shakespeare. In a similar vein, magnetic poetry aims to speed the creation of literary masterpieces and bring poetry to the masses. With magnetic poetry, even George W Bush could write a sonnet; all you need is a word kit and a spare fridge door.

It's easy to see why the magnetic poetry 'phenomenon' - over 3 million kits sold since 1993 - has spread worldwide.

Everyone has, at heart, some deep creative leanings, and magnetic poetry is the perfect enabler. There are currently over 100 different kits available, ranging from the original starter kit of basic words to ones as diverse as Shakespeare or Gardener's Editions. Anthologies of magnetic poems are available, so you can marvel at others' poetic genius, or (far more entertainingly) worry over the verse produced by an eight year-old exposed to the erotic kit. For those verging on the obsessive, you can buy a garden poetry stones kit and build a literary rockery, spurred on by creator Dave Kapell's promise to personally walk down the first Magnetic Poetry Stones garden path.

Kapell's creation of magnetic poetry was quite by accident: frustrated by writer's block when he was trying to compose song lyrics, he resorted to shuffling around words on bits of paper in an effort to find inspiration, but was thwarted by allergies (whenever he sneezed, his words flew everywhere). So he hit on the idea of using magnets to secure the words to a pizza tin, and then (when he got hungry) onto his fridge door. When his friends came round they would rearrange the words to create new lyrics; seeing this,

Kapell thought that others might have as much fun with it as they did. So he put together a few kits to sell at a local craft market, where all 100 kits were sold in three hours. Next day he lured his friends over with the promise of pizza and beer to make more kits, which sold just as quickly. From these humble beginnings their popularity snowballed, and they are now available worldwide.

The uses of magnetic poetry are endless. The typical kit comes with 300 word tiles, which are more than enough to create a few verses, and the makers thoughtfully include plenty of 'a's, 'the's and suffixes so your poems come closer to making sense. You can awe your friends with profound-sounding poetry, use them as Kapell did to stimulate your own creativity, or you can just compose a literary equivalent to 'Hands off my milk'. The fun of magnetic poetry is that you can use it

You can awe your friends with profound sounding poetry, use them to stimulate your own creativity, or you can just compose a literary equivalent to 'Hands off my milk'

with your housemates a line at a time.

Despite its frivolous uses, magnetic poetry genuinely does bring poetry to the masses, with none of the scorn usually associated with that phrase. True, you can use it to spell out defamatory messages involving your housemates, but you can also use it to write love poems to a partner (which was Kapell's motivation for introducing the love kit last Valentine's Day).

Magnetic poetry is whatever you want to make of it. You don't need to be a poet to compose a magnetic sonnet, and for those who do have poetic leanings, magnetic poetry provides inspiration and comic relief in equal measure.

Competition!

There’s a Dover Thrift Edition to be won by the first five people to send us a ‘magnetic’ poem made up of:

15 minutes of fame for one campus fridge for anything: currently our fridge has a love poem, a poem about Osama bin Laden, and a poem making use of our new Shakespearean kit, which incorporates 'wench', 'codpiece' and 'bosom' to great comic effect.

Also entertaining is making obscene phrases to disturb your more fragile-minded housemates. It's always interesting to view the fridge after a big night out; even without the erotic kit you can produce some memorable examples (which are sadly unprintable) - and judging by our fridge door's history, we've got a great future ahead of us writing for Black Lace.

(No one would confess to writing the 'proper poem' that mysteriously appeared, devoid of obscene suggestions, on our

fridge door. We suspect the cleaner did it.)

The hugely-popular magnetic poetry has been assimilated into popular culture: it's featured in Conspiracy Theory, City of Angels and Notting Hill, as well as TV shows including Seinfeld and Caroline in the City. It's also expanding into new areas all the time; there's a board game, poetry beads and even 'Magnetic Poetry Pickup Lines', consisting of cheesy pickup lines to be disassembled and reconstructed into something fresh, new and hopefully unlikely to get you a slap in the face.

The best thing about magnetic poetry is the opportunity for collaboration. You can write a poem one day and come into the kitchen the next to find it creatively edited, or compose a group poem together

tomato, morning, girl, bawdy, yellow, smooth, interesting, torment, ugly, paper, vicar, coffee, vampire, scream, cupboard, wand, run, swim, explode, burn, slice, and, and, the, the, the, a, a, a, you, he, her, she, him, under, inside, in, on, out, of, with, have, to, from, if, ing, er, s, but.

You can use any or all of these words but only once. Send your entries to: books@vision.york.ac.uk, or drop them off at the office in Grimston House. Closing date is Friday week 8.

Peeling, chopping and frying America Clueless about romance Dispatches from the Tenth Circle: the Best of The Onion The Onion Editors £9.99 (Boxtree) Adrian Butler DISPATCHES FROM the Tenth Circle will need no recommendation to The Onion’s loyal fans. It’s simply another collection of material from what has become the most successful satirical newspaper in the world; it follows The Onion’s Finest News Reporting, which appeared a couple of years back.

This time, the stories are squashed together in a facsimile front page style, with the result that your eyes dart across the page from headline to headline.

‘Sperm Cells Unaware They Are Swimming Up Large Intestine’, ‘Bargain Hunter Becomes the Bargain Hunted’, ‘TV Muted While Neighbors Fight’, ‘Hair Carefully Disheveled In 20-Minute Ritual’. The material inexhaustibly keeps coming.

Not all of it is easy reading: finding new comic taboos to exploit seems to be one of its team of writers’ favourite activities. Yet it is refreshing that the paper is escaping uncensored – especially after a summer where British satirist Chris Morris was branded ‘unspeakably sick’ by a government minister, charities and the reactionary press after his Brass Eye special on pedophilia. There are no jokes about pedophiles in this selection, but they probably just haven’t got round to making them yet.

‘U.S. Deploys Very Special Forces to Iraq’ is accompanied by a photo of a Down’s Syndrome sufferer in a military outfit – part of ‘Operation Great Job!’; we are told he ‘loves baseball and roller-skating.’ Skulls litter a wasteland by a bookshop, as The Onion asks: ‘New Cambodian Barnes & Noble: Will it threaten Cambodia’s Small Book Shops?’.

‘Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven in Abortion-Clinic Attack’ speaks for itself really. First time readers inevitably ask

Emma Jane Austen £2.25 (Dover Thrift Editions)

themselves ‘how did they think of that?’, ‘how did they get away with that?’ and ‘do Americans really get this?’

Yet The Onion is equally at home breaking less shocking taboos. It writes about contemporary life in an incredibly fresh way: small moments of embarrassment, service industry bullshit, the boredom of office work, niggling prejudice. ‘I Provide Office Solutions, Says Pitiful

‘US Deploys Very Special Forces to Iraq’ has a photo of a Down’s Syndrome sufferer in a military outfit; we are told he ‘loves baseball and roller-skating’ Little Man’.

Having portrayed modern life as hell, the paper had no real choice but to have a look at the place, and send the corporately contracted builders in. The ‘tenth circle’ of the book’s title has been built with sponsorship from Blockbuster Video, and contains marketers, franchisers, Disney executives and investment bankers. ‘The traditional nine-tiered system’, we are told, ‘had grown insufficient to accommodate the exponentially rising numbers of Hellbound.’

With such a view of society, it would have been easy for The Onion to sound like a moralistic, zealot No Logo bore. Yet the paper always manages to tread the line between jokes for their own sake and finger-wagging: the result is that every article’s gags come first, with the reader realising the point behind them second. The

Lynne Milford

handicapped soldier sent to Iraq forces a realisation of how much soldiers – expected to die – are patronised. But only after the reader has experienced the first, uncontrollable laugh.

Sadly though, the jokes stop before the paper’s greatest moments. The Onion’s War on Terror coverage obviously could not be included, but its presidential election material really should have made it in. With teams of joke writers across America churning out gags about the debacle, The Onion got its material written with incredible speed, and proved itself unbeatable on political satire, something which hadn’t previously been one of its strengths.

With the rights to one of its stories (Canadian Girlfriend Unsubstantiated) sold to Dreamworks, the paper sounds like it might have moved into tenth circle territory itself – it already over-markets itself.

But for now it’s still fresh and still funny – buy now before The Onion goes off.

EMMA WOODHOUSE is a young woman who has lived in the world for 21 years with "very little to vex her". She lives with her father who adores her and is used to everyone hanging onto her every word. Only one man dares to find fault with her; her brother-in-law, Mr Knightley, but of course this is all done as a gentleman should.

Unlike most Austen heroines, Emma is not searching for a husband, since she will inherit enough money to live alone respectably. Instead, she contents herself with playing Cupid for all her friends.

The novel opens with Emma's governess, Miss Taylor, becoming Mrs Weston, as a result of Emma's matchmaking. Emma decides that her next "victim" will be Mr Elton, the vicar; her father and Mr Knightley plead with her to leave him to find his own partner, but Emma, never one to be told what to do, sets about to find him a wife among their acquaintance.

Harriet Smith is the poor unfortunate who becomes Emma's protégé and choice as Mr Elton's future partner. As the daughter of "nobody knows whom", Harriet would have been content with her proposal from Robert Martin, but Emma encourages her to think higher than her station and this results in Harriet being hurt by social climber Elton.

As usual the path of true love refuses to run smoothly as Emma and Harriet end up loving the same man. However, as usual with Austen novels, everything turns out right for the people who deserve it.

As expected the novel is a Jane Austen observation of society and follows a young, wealthy woman on a path of selfdiscovery. Emma begins the novel as a self-centred, spoilt girl, but after her experiences in the book she learns more about

herself and how to treat other people.

This unabridged version, if used as a textbook to accompany an English course, leaves room for improvement. There is very little room on each page for writing notes for use in exams. There are two blank pages in the book that could be used for this but really it is not enough.

There is also a lack of notes on the text by the publisher. The book is not edited by anyone in particular and therefore has no real introduction or glossary. The one page note at the start of the book is informative, but inadequate for the purposes of close study, because it gives very little information about the background against which Austen was writing.

Despite this, if, like me, you enjoy literature, the price makes this book ideal for adding to your collection. Dover Thrift Editions have an extensive range of classics at low prices, leaving you more money to spend on true student essentials.

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November 7th 2001 yorkVision

foodanddrink@vision.york.ac.uk

FOOD & DRINK

A Liquid Lunch? A Symphony of fine James Murray & Matt Ford WE ARE all accustomed to the humble tin of soup. However, when it comes to producing the stuff ourselves things start to get a bit unclear.

Soup is a filling, nutritious, tasty and cheap meal that can be eaten at any time (apart for breakfast) and in any quantity (obviously within reason).

The other good part is; it’s very easy to make.

The base of all soups is stock. Don’t worry too much about making your own - stock cubes, which are dissolved into boiling water, or ready-made stock from the supermarket are just as effective. If you fancy yourself as a bit of a Nigella Lawson and are determined to be authentic making your own stock is simple. Boil the carcass of a chicken in water for several hours and then drain through a sieve to create chicken stock. For veg-

etable stock just do the same with any left over vegetables you may have.

Once you have stock the world is your soup bowl. Almost any ingredients can go into a soup and the recipes below are only intended as a guide. Experimenting with different ingredients could, for instance, change a normal chicken soup into a Thai chicken soup with the introduction of lime juice, chillies and coriander.

Although most soups can be eaten “chunky” a liquidiser can prove invaluable. The curried parsnip soup below is an example of a soup which definitely requires a liquidiser. They are not too expensive, the hand held ones are probably the best, they mean minimum washing up. They’ll soon be a staple in your kitchen! Ideal for milkshakes or smoothies - you’ll soon wonder how you coped without it.

Fresh Tomato Soup

Curried Parsnip Soup

Approx Four Servings

Approx Two Servings

Ingredients:

Ingredients:

1.5 lbs of tomatoes (cut into quarters) 1 onion (roughly chopped) 1 tablespoon of flour 1.5 pints chicken or vegetable stock 0.5 pints of white wine 1 tablespoon of worcestershire sauce 3 tablespoons of tomato puree a little olive oil salt and pepper basil (optional for garnish)

One large parsnip Curry powder, Garam Massala or an equivalent 1 pint of vegetable stock Olive oil Black Pepper Small pot of single cream

1. Gently fry the onions in the olive oil or butter for ten minutes. Making sure that they do not go brown.

2. Add the flour, mix in and cook for another one to two minutes over a low heat.

3. Add tomatoes, mix well cook gently for twenty minutes stirring occasionally.

4. Add the stock, wine, tomato puree, worcestershire sauce, salt and pepper to taste and stir while bring to the boil.

5. Simmer for thirty minutes stirring occasionally.

6. Either serve chunky or strain it through a sieve for a smooth soup.

7. Garnish with basil.

1. Heat the oven to 200 degrees. Dice the parsnips and place them on a baking tray, drizzling them with olive oil and lightly covering with the curry powder.

2. Next place in the oven for about thirty minutes or until the parsnips have turned golden and are soft inside.

3. Meanwhile heat up your stock. When the parsnips are done place them and the stock in a saucepan and add the cream and season with black pepper. Bring the pan to the boil and simmer for about fifteen minutes.

4. Finally, pour the whole lot into your liquidiser and cream it to a pulp.

Remember, if you want to make a larger quantity of soup just increase the amount of stock and parsnips you use by the same ratio.

Note: Make two or three times the recipe and freeze in small batches.

Festive frolics with winter wines Heather Campbell OK TROOPS, the loan cheques should still be vaguely intact and the festive season is upon us, so now it’s time to splash out a bit on the plonk. Retailers are already in full swing for Christmas 2001 and offers on to-be Christmas booze are throughout major supermarkets now. Our selection, courtesy of Tesco, (thanks guys), are all currently or soon-to-be on special offer, taking us through the toilet cleaner that is Chilean Chardonnay to some wowser reds. Here are the tasters’ verdicts...an arduous task for all involved, I’m sure.

1.

Tesco Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon, down to £2.98 until 8th Jan, ‘02 This is a really easy drinker - fantastic for the price. Rounded in taste, very light for a cabernet, which is characteristically full bodied.I loved the smell - really aromatic. Just nice and easygoing - a staple red.

2. Penfolds Rawsons Retreat Bin 35 Shiraz Cabernet, down to £4.97 until 27th Nov. Impress your mates with the name if nothing else. Penfolds’ finest wine is considered to be the best Australia has

to offer, a bottle can set you back up to £100. But this one’s down to a fiver, and although it’s a tad harsh, its dark and spicy undertones went down well with our winos.

3. Tesco Marques de Chive Reserva down to £4.99. But 2 and get the 3rd free! Offer until 8th Jan, ‘02. This was definitely the favourite, and with the third free when you buy two, a hard and fast winner! A distinctive smell and taste to this one, with a depth that’s really special. A hint of liquorice, we decided, in a particularly poncy moment. Quite a developed red, though, not for timid red drinkers.

4. Montana East Coast Unoaked Chardonnay, down to £4.99 until 27th Nov This smelt fab - really tropical and fresh, but the taste was just, well, dull. Pretty insubstantial, commercial chardonnay - definitely wouldn’t pay £4.99 for it. But it’s inoffensive, reliable if asked to bring a bottle, and will go with anything.

5. Nicolas Feuillate Champagne, down to £12.98, offer until 8th Jan, ‘02.

This one was a bit of a disappointment.

Although it had a good clean taste, it was

Flavour and Taste!

Emma Rogers samples the delights of two luscious restaurants in York - here’s her definitive verdict in what will be a continuing Food & Drink series TWO VERY different restaurants to recommend in this issue. Hopefully you will be able to sample the delights of both as, although not budget, they are within a student price range.

Café Concerto lies just down High Petergate, as you go past the Minster. It is a gorgeous little restaurant and one of my favourites. It is very small, but has a fabulous atmosphere, ideal for intimate soirees with friends, lovers or visiting parents.

The light lunches are delicious; a mixture of fairly standard café fare, and good homemade soups and daily specials, all between £5 -£10 with drink included. The evening menu, however, is pretty special.

It’s seasonal, with a large variety of main meals and starters. Mains cost c.£8-£10 but are fabulously portioned and satiate the greatest of appetites!

There is also do a variety of interesting salads and starters which can be ordered as small (starter) or large (main) courses. There is a good range of wines.

The house comes in carafes and is drinkable but not exceptional.

Dealto’s has a very different ambience. A large restaurant, light and airy, it looks over the Ouse next to Bar 38 and The City Screen. It’s great for large parties and there are loads of decent sized tables for raucous gatherings!

FOOD & DRINK : 33

The food takes a much more interesting slant on the rather mundane drawl of Italian Pizza Houses that have sprung up like mushrooms in the last ten years. Here they have a wide variety of delicious meat and fish dishes from £10-£15 as well as lots of very tasty Pastas and Pizza in the £8-10 category. Their salads, however, let the menu down rather. I found them over priced for the rather small portions that emerged.

The wine list, however, has a good mix of a variety of European wines, not just exclusively Italian. Dealto’s also do a daytime special offer of excellent value.

Before 7pm a two course meal (not including drinks) will cost you £6.95 and three courses £8.95. Considering that one main meat course will cost you up to £15 in the evening or at the weekend, that’s not a bad deal.

Booking for evening meals is advisable, especially at Café Concerto. Enjoy.

Cafe Concerto

Dealto’s

Get the Mediterranean Feel with Bolognese Heather Campbell MINCE IS fantastic stuff. A standard pack of minced beef will provide you with some seriously good meals; shepherd’s pie, chilli, lasagne, moussaka, and, of course, the classic bolognese sauce. The beauty of bolognese is that the ingredients can vary depending on what’s in the fridge. For a really classy number some fresh basil, bacon, a splash of red wine, celery and olive additions can take this to a serious dinner contender, but below I’ve listed the standard recipe which is cheap and tasty, and provides you with about four servings.

1 standard pack lean minced beef, or veggie soya mince.

1 Medium sized onion, preferably red, chopped small.

2 fat cloves of garlic, chopped small or crushed.

1 carrot diced into tiny pieces.

A good handful of mushrooms, chopped 2 tins of chopped tomatoes.

Dash of Worcester sauce.

Basil, dried or fresh.

Salt and Pepper.

Extra Virgin Olive Oil for frying just pretty nondescript and lost its fizz surprisingly quickly, so the bottom of the glass was just unappealing. Overall, though, a passable aperitif champagne, but not a patch on the cheaper Tesco’s own brand we reviewed.

6.

Tesco Blanc de Noirs Champagne, down to £8.77, offer from 28th Nov -8th Jan ‘02. This was really accessible. A lovely fragrant smell, it wasn’t too dry and was nice and refreshing. I wouldn’t want to drink too much of it, but at that price for decent champers you can’t go too wrong and it made a nice change.

Again, more an aperitif, but with a lot more wow-factor.

7. Tesco Finest Cotes du Rhone Villages, down to £3.99. Offer from 28th Nov - 8th Jan. This was surprisingly fruity for a Cotes du Rhone, to the point that it was more like a fruit juice than a wine. It had a syrupy edge to it which didn’t appeal to me, but didn’t have that acidic aftertaste some of the cheaper reds leave in their wake! Not much depth to this one, but a decent, smooth, all-rounder.

8. Tesco Finest Chablis, down to £4.48 from 28th Nov - 8th Jan. Probably pushing it a bit charging £4.48 for a half bottle of white, but there’s no denying its quality. A classic chablis, crisp and fresh, it’svery light and drinkable, so

You’re going to need a decent sized wok or large frying pan for this one - ideally with a lid for simmering.

1. Put the onion and garlic in the pan with a good glug of olive oil and keep it on the move until softened, a few minutes should do it.

2. Next add your pack of mince and stir until the mince is browned. If you’ve bought cheap mince there’ll be quite a bit of excess fat at this stage, so drain it off with a sieve. Mince fat, unlike some animal fat, isn’t that tasty.

3. Now add all your veggies. Give it all a good stir until the vegetables look kind of wilted; you might want to use a bit of olive oil if the vegetables look too dry 4. Now add your chopped tomatoes.

Chopping tinned plum tomatoes never seems to provide the right consistency, so don’t be tempted by those 9p economy efforts! At this point add seasoning - a few grindings of salt, more of pepper, and if you’re using dried basil, add that now. If using fresh, add it at the end. Also you’ll need a dash of Worcester sauce - this really is the magic ingredient. It gives it a really good colour and a lovely deep flavour, so whack some of that in.

5. Now all you need to do is simmer the whole lot for about 30-40 minutes, stirring if you’re putting on a nice spread this will compliment most dishes really well.

9.

Tesco C h i l e a n C h a r d o n n a y, down to £2.98 until 8th Jan. Bit of a dodo this one; those paint-stripping didn’t do much for me, I’m afraid! Chile do some really good red, but if you’re wanting a nice c h a r d o n a y, something Australian is usually a good bet.

The price, however, is appealing, and will probably wind up next to a pot noodle in a trolley in the not too distant future!

o c c a s i o n a l l y.

Turn the heat down slightly, but not too low.

It should still be bubbling away.

This is when the good stuff happens; all the flavours concentrate as the mixture reduces, and you should be left with the kind of consistency that when you stir it, there isn’t loads of liquid at the bottom of the pan.

Serve with pasta, some parmesan, maybe a little garlic bread..et voila!

All wine was supplied by Tesco

34 : SPORT yorkVision November 7th 2001

SPORT

sport@vision.york.ac.uk

www.yorkvision.co.uk

Oli Thompson: a tribute OLIVER THOMPSON, the popular newly elected captain of the men’s tennis team, was killed in a fall during a family walking holiday in the Swiss Alps over the summer. Oli, as he was known to his friends, was just going into his second year, and was an extremely keen walker, having recently completed the coast-to-coast in good time. He was walking the Val Minor in Pontresina at 800 feet across a flat path when he decided to tackle a nearby ridge alone. His body was recovered several hours later, having sustained a fall of around fifteen feet.

It is believed he would not have felt any pain. In conversation with AU President Martin Styles, his mother said that she drew some comfort from the fact that he died doing something that he loved. Vision has asked some of Oli’s friends for thoughts on what he meant to them.

Brendan O’Donovan IT GAVE me great pleasure to have known Oli Thompson, even if it was for only a tragically brief space of time. Oli was a real fun-loving, happy-go-lucky sort of character. He would seemingly always be there whenever I went out, pint in hand and welcoming smile.

I met Oli through the tennis club, and we immediately struck up a friendship. We didn’t live too far apart (him in Nottingham, me in Leicester) and thus had plenty of banter about the rivalry of Forest versus Leicester City. He also did economics so I was able to impart some of my small but useful knowledge about how to get by in the first year without really knowing what is going on!

I remember his always positive attitude and smile. And I shall never forget Oli Thompson for the rest of my life My last memory of him was telling him exactly what to revise just a day before his economics exam! He almost ended up living with me this year, as him and his mates took a long time to sort out their accommodation. At Roses, I remember him turning up to show his support to the team despite having an injured wrist.

Fortunately for him, it did not seem to be on his drinking hand.

We also encountered each other on the college sports field, as Oli regularly turned out for Alcuin. It was fitting that they held their minute’s silence for him before their first college match this term, as it seems all of those involved in Alcuin sport knew him.

One of the strongest memories of Oli will be going to watch York City together with him. I went along to a Friday night Club Derwent last spring term, only to find Oli out (again). We’d both had a few pints, and decided that as York were at home the next day, we ought to go along and see quite how bad they were.

We caught the bus in from the university together the next day, only to be given (probably deliberately) dreadful directions to the ground by the bus driver. With our common poor knowledge of York, we

managed to end up somewhere near the Railway Museum before realising that we needed better directions!

Someone finally sent us the right way, and we managed to get to the ground in time for kick off, collecting some pies along the way. York were dreadful, losing 3-1 to Exeter. It didn’t take us long to reach the conclusion that they were as bad as we’d thought they were, and we left the ground with the chants of “Dolan out” ringing in our ears.

We popped into the bookies on the way back to check the football scores, and Oli decided to have an unsuccessful tipple on the dogs. “It’s easy” he told me, showing me how he read the form book, and then promptly proceeding to show me how not to do it! We walked back together, Midlander jibes being merrily poked at each other.

Cheers for brightening up my life, Oli. “Sadly missed” does not do you justice.

Chris Cermak OLI THOMPSON was involved in a number of different sports during his time at University last year. However, his dedication to the University’s Tennis Club stands out above the rest.

Having been placed in the University squad as soon as he arrived at University, Oli played a number of University fixtures and friendlies for the club over the course of last year, and would most probably have been in the Roses lineup if not for an injury to his arm.

Out of all the matches I played for the club last year, I will remember nothing more than playing doubles with Oli during our very amusing, if humiliating loss in a

friendly against a local sixth form, St Peters. This was the first occasion on which I was able to truly get to know him on a more personal level.

While Oli was plagued with a number of injuries throughout the season, his loyalty to the club remained unchanged.

When fit, he was always eager to come down to practice with whoever was available, which included coming to our Friday late night squad practices which proved to be quite unpopular with the vast majority of squad members.

His dedication culminated in him and myself standing jointly for the position of Men’s Tennis Captain at the end of last year, which we won by default.

Returning to University this term, I was eager to take up my position of Team Captain with Oli. I was confident that we could work extremely well together as a team and come up with new ideas to keep the society flourishing. I only wish he could have been here to watch us sign up an incredible one hundred and fifty members at this year’s AU Mart and to help us spend all the money we received as a consequence.

When I was told of Oli’s death upon arrival this term, I was both shocked and saddened. To me, Oli was a team-mate, tennis partner-to-be, and naturally also a great friend. I remember many a Wednesday night meeting him in Ziggys. I also remember our mutual failure at St Peters, during which he was unable to serve and I was unable to hit proper back hands.

I remember falling asleep next to him in economics lectures, and as a consequence of that, together dreading the final economics exam.

I remember his always positive attitude and smile. And I shall never forget Oli Thompson for the rest of my life.

Mark Rayner I PREDOMINANTLY got to know Oli through the Tennis Club, but he quickly became a good friend.

Oli was the kind of person who turned up to every practice he possibly could, whether he was playing in the next day’s match or not - his enthusiasm and dedication were limitless, and I had no difficulty in picking Oli as co-captain of the club. He only had to decide if he could fit it in with everything else.

But it was his openness and friendliness that really made Oli stand out, and I’m sure all his friends would agree that he supported his college and sports teams in every way possible.

Yet even when he was running from one side of campus to the other, as he often was, Oli still always had time for you - I can’t remember having ever walked past him without him shouting out “Hi” or asking how I was, before he disappeared to give a hundred and ten per cent to yet another team.

The wonderful thing about Oli was that he cared about so many things. From nights out in Ziggy’s to working at his degree, Oli always threw himself into things in a way that few people ever manage - he seemed to have a gift of being able to do 101 different things, all at the same time.

There can’t have been many people at York that didn’t know of Oli. He always gave a huge amount of his time and effort to everything he was involved in, and will be very sorely missed. We should all try to remember everything he gave, and how much enjoyment it gave him. Oli lived his year at York to the full, and I consider myself extremely lucky to have known him.

THE LOWTHER

> just 50 yards staggering distance from The Gallery!! > happy hour Friday 3:30 till 8:30 Sunday to Thursday 8:30 till 11:00 > drinks John Smiths £1.10 £1.30 Fosters Guinness, Cider, Becks, Kronenberg, ALL Beamish Red £1.40

>don’t forget to ask for your student discount card! >open until midnight Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday

www.yorkvision.co.uk

November 7th 2001 yorkVision

sport@vision.york.ac.uk

The Colonel The Colonel vents his spleen over the sporting weasels who simply refuse to travel....

IF HISTORY is the study of great men, then the author of the book English Cricket 1990-2001 has one of the easiest jobs around. It will be less of a book and more of a pamphlet.

Their performances over the last ten years have, as a rule, been poor for reasons which vary from not having enough top quality players (Ben Holliaoke - the next Ian Botham you are not), to bad Crofter in the wild coaches and managers (Ray Illingworth - go batter someone else’s fragile confidence).

However nothing has been as shameful as the refusal of Andrew Caddick and Robert Croft to go on the tour to India.

By refusing to go they are saying “I’m more important than the rest of you, I can’t be bothered to go to the sub continent, to play cricket for my country, have some fantastic experiences and be in a country that’s next to a country that’s next to a country that’s at war, as it always is.”

I can hear some of the more sceptical of you disagreeing, but this is a team game, and as such you play as a team, you travel as a team, you are looked after as a team. And so to have members of it break ranks in such a way is not on.

There is talk in the press of the fact that they will find it hard to get selected next summer, that they have turned down a chance that thousands would lose a limb for and so should never play for their country again. Taking a break for the benefit of your game as the like of Stewart, Gough, and Thorpe have done is a very sensible move, indeed Micheal Atherton

wishes he’d done it five years ago and believes he may still be playing for England if he had.

From a playing point of view the word on the street is that the only people who are disappointed that Croft isn’t going are the Indian Batting Union, who would have made short work of his non-turning, nonthreatening off-breaks. The loss of Caddick compounded by Gough resting will put extra pressure on the relatively weak seam bowling department, to the extent that Indian scores of five hundred odd for six declared will not be unheard of.

The team is on the back foot before it has started; this is a case of the few spoiling it for the many. Of course, you cannot force people to go, nor can the establishment afford to cancel the tour and hence lose the test matches against India next summer as well.

But one would hope that everyone wants to go, and to play for their country, if only out of respect for their teammates. Whereas the ‘dirty duo’ have shown nothing but disdain and contempt for their fellow players, the game itself and their loyal, if frustrated, fans; as did the ‘snaky six’ Chelsea players who refused to go to Israel for their UEFA Cup tie last month.

We are being told that we cannot give into terrorism, not to see it as a religious war, yet these role models send out totally the wrong signals. What happened on the 11th September was the worst act of terrorism ever, a disaster beyond comprehension which affected the world in ways we are still finding out about, but it is a betrayal to those who died not to get on with life.

To those Englishmen who are doing the right thing and touring; we all wish them the best of luck in trying circumstances. Go out and show the ‘dirty duo’ what it means to play for your country.

Tykes triumph Pete Dandy LAST SEASON Yorkshire County Cricket Club won their first County Championship for more than 30 years.

The Tykes last Championship win was as long ago as 1968 when Boycott and co romped home to their seventh title in ten years.

The 1968 victory marked an end to a sustained period of cricketing supremacy, and 33 years later the county can savour victory again. This is, however, a very long time to wait for the cricket loving Yorkshire public, who at one point became so accustomed to success.

Although the County Championship is not the coveted prize it once used to be, this has done little to diminish fans’ pleasure at seeing the trophy back were it belongs after so many years.

At the heart of Yorkshire’s successful season has been two Australians. Like so much else in modern cricket they led the way. The county received excellent value from their Australian overseas player Darren Lehmann, who averaged over 90 with the bat and contributed with the ball, his slow left arm spin capable of breaking

The Tykes last Championship win was as long ago as 1968 when Boycott and co romped home to their seventh title in ten years

important partnerships.

Lehmann’s compatriot the newly appointed coach Wayne Clark biggest impact was to instil something that had been lacking in previous seasons namely a competitive edge to the teams play.

Remarkably, the frequent absence of England stars throughout the season did not hamper Yorkshire’s title challenge, many of whom were unavailable for club and country due to injury. The highest profile absentee-playing in only two Championship games because of England commitments was Darren Gough.

The centrally contracted player’s controversial decision to leave Yorkshire to live in the Home Counties a couple of years ago did not go down well with some people in his native county. The move immediately sparked rumours about his future. Different rumours circulated this summer leading many to believe he was seriously contemplating plying his trade elsewhere. Gough has always vehmently denied the allegations, professing his loyalty to the club. He blames someone inside Yorkshire CC itself for spreading rumours concerning his future.

The fairytale story of Yorkshire’s season apart from skipper David Byers being presented the Championship trophy at Scarborough his home ground was the brilliance of new arrival Steve Kirby.

Kirby, signed mid way through the campaign from Leicestershire took 43 wickets in 8 matches. He filled with consummate ease the void left by injuries to frontline bowlers. Deputising for Gough as the spearhead of Yorkshire’s attack his contribution albeit only half a season’s was vital to Yorkshire’s triumph. The Tykes bowling line-up was also bolstered by young spinner Richard Dawson.

In Dawson they appear to have unearthed a quality spin bowler a position in the side they have desperately needed to fill for some time. Dawson sufficiently impressed the England selectors to earn a place on the England tour to India.

City Watch John Hyde & Johnny Morgan ‘DOLAN OUT!’ Those familiar words have once again reverberated around Bootham Crescent in recent weeks after an indifferent start to the season by York City. Terry Dolan, the beleaguered manager, faces an uphill battle if he is to avoid becoming the 24th manager this season to lose his position. Regulars at City last season won’t be surprised to see that the team has performed poorly so far, having failed even to win two consecutive games.

It could all have been so different.

Several new signings, Lee Nogan, Richard Cooper, Chris Brass and Michael Proctor, added to the feeling that a play-off spot might be achieved this season. Few have lived up to expectations. The defence has been a reoccuring problem for City so far.

In a recent 4-1 thrashing at Kidderminster Harriers all of the back four were aged under 23. Dolan has admitted this is a headache as the most congested time of the season approaches.

One player has delivered. Proctor, signed on loan for this season from Sunderland, has scored six goals, includ-

ing the winner in the recent 1-0 win over Macclesfield. City had played poorly throughout, but Proctor’s late winner meant that calls for the manager’s head temporarily subsided.

York have won every game in which Proctor has scored, and Dolan will hope this remarkable run continues. Further good news comes in the continued good form of goalkeeper, ‘Super’ Alan Fettis.

Last year’s player of the season has played in the Premier League for Nottingham Forest and Blackburn, and has come back better than ever after international duty over the summer with Northern Ireland.

York play host to Scunthorpe on November 9th, before travelling to Essex to face Colchester United in the FA Cup first round the following Saturday. City reached the third round of the competition last season before bowing out to Leicester.

Admission to the ground is £6 for students, so any freshers in need of a football fix would be well advised to give it a try.

The atmosphere is good and the pies come highly recommended! If only the football was better...!

Any freshers in need of a football fix would be well advised to give York City a try

SPORT : 35

College Sport Round-up

Internal

affairs 2001/2

002

IT IS too soon in the College Sport season to get a realistic idea of how this year’s intake of freshers will influence the relevent strength of the colleges.

Goodricke have started as strongly as ever, although whether they are relying too heavily on third years has yet to be seen. They have picked up points in the early weeks of the season in pool and darts. It is this attention to the minority sports that has served them so well over the last few years.

Meanwhile Vanbrugh have continued their traditional dominance of the 22 Acres football pitches, with their firsts scoring 11 goals in the first two weeks of the season.

Halifax have inevitably had a slow start. Despite the assistance of last year’s Wentworth Sports Reps they have stuggled to field full teams. They appear particularly strong in basketball this year having inherited many of Alcuin’s players from last year.

Meanwhile James have finally started to punch their weight. A very strong hockey and volleyball team have so far picked up nearly full points. They are likely to be the most realistic challengers to Goodricke’s crown. Alcuin, Langwith and Derwent have yet to show their class, but its still early doors.

A live bet show Sunset Sam AS PART of its never ending quest to enhance the lives of York students, Vision can now provide a solution to student debt. Our new resident tipster will show the way out of crippling debt and the all too familiar embarrassment of having your switch card rejected at Costcutter, and towards the sort of wealth the Sultan of Bahrain can only dream of.

Contrary to the popular myth of gambling being the preserve of elderly gin soaked men and chain smoking hags, it can be a financially and emotionally rewarding experience for the modern student keen to earn a little on the side. In this first column I aim to provide a brief guide for the beginner, and a few tips to get you started.

Despite York’s plentiful supply of bookmakers, it is not necessary to trudge into town to stand in a room so smoky that even the Marlboro man would complain in order to place your bet. Instead you can do it from the comfort of one of the campus

Bookies: dirty

computer rooms. The advantage of betting over the internet is that you pay no tax (normally 9%, to be paid on either your stake or your winnings), you deposit money by credit card (thus giving you the illusion that it isn’t real money, merely numbers on a screen), and you have access to a large number of bookmakers and odds at the click of a mouse.

You may have some trouble accessing the bookmakers, as the campus computers have a nasty habit of crashing when you open the sites, but if enough of you complain, the Computer Service should remedy this problem.

There are an enormous number of internet bookmakers out there, so it pays to shop around and open accounts with several to get the best possible prices.

Once you have completed the necessary details (remembering to tick the “all information by email not post” box - so that your parents don’t get to see those embarrassing Gamblers World newsletters), and deposited your initial stake, you are ready to begin.

You may initially be bewildered at the

number of markets you can bet on, however don’t be distracted by odds on the next James Bond, or the winner of Miss World, stick to what you know and study the prices carefully. This way you will be able to recognise good value when you see it.

An often quoted rule is that you should never bet on your own team, as inevitably you will allow your heart to rule your head. This is largely illusionary as the gambler should have a heart of stone and it is inevitable that you will know your own team’s strengths and weaknesses better that any other side.

Thus you can make the decision based on greater knowledge that the average punter. Equally the satisfaction gained by thrashing your closest rivals can only be increased by the knowledge that there is a cheque from Mr Ladbrokes winging its way through the post to you.

To get you started on the great adventure that is gambling, I have a few tips on forthcoming events that will hopefully prove profitable. Firstly this weekends upcoming football international, when England take on Sweden at Old Trafford.

All the talk will be of Sven Goran Eriksson’s divided loyalties, however it would be foolish to think that the England manager will not use this game to experiment with his team and try out some new formations. England have only two other friendlies planned before the World Cup kicks off in May, and it would be unlike Ericsson to waste this chance to give the likes of Cole and Phillips a game to stop them whingeing. Put your money on the draw.

In the other round of World Cup playoff matches, the Czech Republic look good value to beat Belgium and Ireland will be disappointed to lose to Iran, who despite having an excellent run of form lack the class to beat the Irish home and away. I suggest a double on the two Republics to both win their home games on 10th and 15th November respectively.

Finally, the best value of the week is offered by Lennox Lewis who is 1/4 (£1 profit for every £4 you place) to beat Hassim Rahman on 17th November.

Lewis is still the best Heavyweight in the world and would be stupid to under prepare for this fight again.

Before I go I would like to thank Stephen Reynolds, Toby Steedman, and sportingodds.com for their support of this column, good luck! If you have any tips or questions then Sunset Sam would be happy to hear from you at: gamblingtolive@hotmail.com.

Sport Lacrosse the Irish Sea SUNSET SAM’S TOP TIPS

In debt? Our new correspondent Sunset Sam guides the novice punter through the minefield of first time betting, telling you what the bookies don’t want you to know INSIDE

sport@vision.york.ac.uk

Gareth Owens THE YORK lacrosse team is celebrating after one of its players gained international recognition in the European Championships over the summer, after having been spotted putting in a sterling performance in last year’s Roses victory over a strong Lancaster team.

For Rich Gilligan, a third year psychology student and James hockey captain, this could be the start of a lengthy career at the highest level with the Irish national team. And whilst not wishing to blow its own trumpet, Vision also noted Gilligan’s stand-out performance in our comprehensive Roses coverage. Is it possible that our glowing report influenced the Irish selectors?

Granted, even an award winning newspaper can sometimes get big headed.

Our readership is yet to stretch to Irish selectors. But even if this was the case, some credit must surely go to Rich.

Alongside widespread media praise, he was helped along by having the President of the Irish team refereeing the Roses match. After the game had finished, Rich tipped off the ref, Steve Johnston, that his father is Irish. And so he began a rise to prominence which may well lead to a place in the Irish lacrosse team for the

And so he began a rise to prominence which may well lead to a place in the team for the World Championships in Perth next July

World Championships in Perth next July.

Rich’s success is made even more impressive by the fact that prior to the summer he had only ever played mixed lacrosse, as opposed to the more physical men’s game.

Luckily, he took the challenge like a man (“I was terrified, basically”), and carved himself a niche in the team. Whilst he plays in midfield attack for York, he started in defence for Ireland, before being moved up to a more attacking role for later matches.

This is all despite the fact that the future post-Roses was not looking particularly rosey. A stay in hospital forced Rich to give up lacrosse for a period, before a phone call from Steve Johnston lured him out of semi-retirement.

And so to the July tournament in Cardiff, where Ireland came sixth out of six teams. But given that this was their first tournament, and that one of the matches ended in a very close defeat to an English team which is yet to lose a match in the tournament, the Irish were happy with their performance.

Rich in particular was “Very happy with the way I played. A whole week of playing constant lacrosse improved my game immensely, given that I was competing with the best players in the world. I made a point of not letting the opposition know how inexperienced I was until after the matches, and they were all really impressed when they found out.”

“All the teams were staying in the same university accommodation, so we all mingled after the matches, and there wasn’t any sense of unfriendliness or competition. Essentially, there was a great atmosphere and nightlife!”

Lacrosse is, of course, a sport which is seen as a little too violent for some. The Roses match was delayed for several minutes whilst a Lancaster player was removed from the pitch by ambulance.

The mixed form of the game is strictly non-contact, whereas the full contact

men’s game necessitates the use of helmets and heavy padding.

As well as this, Rich was forced to

Luckily, he took the challenge like a man. “I was terrified, basically” wield a six foot defence stick for his first few matches. However, he insists that despite the step up to men’s lacrosse, he never felt the sport was anything less than safe. “There obviously is a high risk of danger, but the referees are very good and do keep a very tight check on the matches.

In the European Championships, there were thirty odd matches and the only injury was a broken rib, which seems like a pretty good average!”

Of his long term prospects, Rich is extremely confident, saying “I’m really hoping to keep my place in the team – given that the Scottish goalie is in his sixties, so I’m quite confident!”

Whilst Rich remains their leading light, the York teams are prospering.

Whilst the new season won’t start in earnest until next term, the huge intake at the AU Mart means that preparations have already begun. This season York will be sporting a female team for the first time, who are currently preparing for a tournament in Harrogate.

Come next summer, Rich may well be coming across a familiar face in Perth.

Team-mate Robert Proctor, a third year environmental biologist who also put in an eye-catching performance at last year’s Roses, is currently angling for a place in

7TH NOVEMBER 2001 ISSUE 132

the Welsh national team.

To get experience of the men’s game, both he and Rich are currently training with the Rochdale men’s club, who have three teams playing in various divisions of the Northern League.

Rich is hopeful that Robert will soon be joining him in the international arena, enthusing that “I think he’s got a real chance. He’s strong, his ball control is excellent, and he’s got a really powerful shot”. Robert then shamelessly returned the compliment, stating that “It’s great that someone from our new club can get international recognition”.

Vision then tactfully slipped out of the room before things got too emotion-

of enthusiastic York sports men and women, we can pump out a few more.

Vision will be scouring the clubs over the coming year for potential talent, in the hope that our patronage can produce a few more sporting legends. So all those who feel they have the talent to go further in their sport of choice – it may now be time to start buttering up sports e d i tors…

al.

So, t h e gauntlet has been thrown down to the other York clubs. The lacrosse team are small, recently formed and have already potentially spawned two full internationals.

Whilst this is clearly a credit to the talent of those selected, surely given the amount

The pride of Ireland

Our rowers need cox now Marie prepares to take the plunge

Marie Bates WHEN JAMES Byrne, avuncular President of the University Boat Club, first asked me if I fancied coxing, it seemed a fantastic idea. What could be more entertaining and amusing than shouting at a bunch of muppets clad in lycra? And being just over five feet tall I felt that it was the perfect sport for me.

Especially as the last thing I wanted to do was to start anything that involved actual exercise. So here was the perfect opportunity to hitch a leisurely ride along the Ouse whilst giving it a bit of verbal GBH. What could be easier?

It was this dippy conviction that sent me along to the boathouse for my first experience of UYBC. I was confident that the role involved little more than a few encouraging words and a bit of steering; uncle James did not inform me otherwise.

It is no surprise therefore that I was faced with a bit of a shock when the coach explained to me the importance of the cox, or ‘coxswain’ and the crucial role he or she plays - physically and psychologically - in the sport. Yeah, whatever guys - could you sort me out with a cushion and an ashtray? Ready now...

Knowing little about the sport itself, I was baffled by most of it: what’s a ‘rigger’? When do we ‘feather’? The others, though, assured me that I would pick up a

lot of it as I went along. Naively believing this, I spent the rest of the training session watching from a boat with the coach what a typical ‘outing’ consisted of. No free sarnies, that’s for certain. And with his impressive build and booming voice, this coach was making me somewhat uneasy.

The alien jargon, the strict training: I suppose it’s a jock thing. The concept of pushing yourself to the absolute limit seemed ridiculous to me, as someone unfamiliar with the sport. Familiar, in fact, with little more than sitting down, occasional crossword attempts and fairly regular fag breaks. Despite my more sensible judgements, I went back for another training session. This time, I would step into a boat for the first time.

Having four jocks in my hands no longer seemed hilarious. In fact, it was terrifying that I was steering equipment worth thousands, not to mention four other lives. And looking at the rowers, I suspected their parents would employ expensive lawyers were their angels to come to harm. But I survived the outing without crashing, which was quite an achievement in itself. So I ended up trotting back to the boathouse every weekend.

And so every weekend I found myself sat in a boat, three pairs of socks barely warming my wellie-clad feet. I would check my ‘cox-box’ - nothing rude but a microphone hooked up to speakers - and instruct the rowers to push the boat into

Having four jocks in my hands no longer seemed hilarious the water. Then the warm up routine would begin: half the rowers would row, then the other half.

The cox steers the boat with two cables, and instructs the team on what rowing techniques to use. He/she must also motivate the team. At first I found this awkward, but now yell ‘SQUEEZE! PUSH! POWER ON!’ and ‘KEEP IT UP!’ with the best of them.

Our first race is in London this Saturday - we’ll be up against dozens of other amateur boat clubs from across the country. The Thames is much rougher than the Ouse, so I’m secretly hoping we get nowhere - the tradition of ducking the winning team’s cox stands, I’m told. But, having won the club’s ‘pub golf’ social, where certain strapping athletes lost control of their guts after two pints, I’m ready for whatever they throw at me. Glutton for punishment? Perhaps, but I’ve really taken to the charmed life of the coxwain, and would recommend it to anyone. As CV fodder, it also rules. Send our foppish captain an email (rmf101) if you think it could be for you. PUSH ON!

yorkVision THE UNIVERSITY OF YORK’S AWARD WINNING STUDENT NEWSPAPER