Issue 141

GUARDIAN STUDENT WEBSITE THEYEAR YEAR GUARDIAN WEBSITE OF OF THE

WWW.YORKVISION.CO.UK WWW.YORKVISION.CO.UK

ISSUE ISSUE 141: 141: TUESDAY TUESDAY NOVEMBER NOVEMBER 12 12 2002 2002

Official: We’re student paper of the year!

‘I CAN TELL VISION’S A REAL PAIN-IN-THE-ARSE ON CAMPUS’ magazine James Brown, founder, Loaded magazine

The Coral: Not acid-heads who nick cars

Alastair Campbell admits:

Spin caused us harm . . . I got it wrong

l REVELATIONS,

STORY: P4

PAGE 8

l MUSIC,

PAGE 22

ARE BATHROOM LEAKS PUTTING LIVES AT RISK?

SHOWER DEATH

Lisa,18, knocked unconscious after falling in ‘freak accident’ A POPULAR James college student died at the end of week 3 following a fall in her en-suite bathroom.

Lisa Nicholls, 18, a Biochemistry student from Bradford, is thought to have slipped, knocked herself out and landed in a position that restricted her breathing.

The Coroner, whose inquest has been opened and adjourned, has described the incident as a “tragic, freak accident.”

Lisa is believed to have fallen late on the night of Thursday, October 24 in her J Block bathroom.

Concerned friends raised the alarm the following evening when they failed to get in touch with her and realised her door was locked from the inside.

She was found by a Goodricke porter and a security guard, who immediately called the police. Her body was then taken to the hospital, where she was formally identified by her parents at approximately 12:30am.

James college provost Ken Todd informed a gathering of her closest friends of the circumstances of her death, before issuing a more general notice on boards around the college at the beginning of week 5.

A large group from the university, that included both students and staff, travelled down to her funeral in Bradford last Friday to pay their respects.

BY JON BENTHAM

Friends describe her as a much-loved individual who never failed to raise a smile. “She will be sorely missed,” said one, “her bubbly personality and wonderful sense of humour captured the hearts of anyone who met her.”

Lisa’s fellow James college students have been stunned by the news of her death. The Students’ Union and Student Support Services were informed of the incident the following Monday by Academic Registrar Sue Hardman, in order that they might put in place any necessary additional welfare services for students in need of assistance.

Gary Loke, SU Education & Welfare Officer, told Vision: “The James JCR Welfare reps have been monitoring the situation closely.

“The Students’ Union is of course saddened by the death of Lisa” he added, “and we wish to send our sincerest condolences to her family at this difficult time.”

Although it is too early to conclude for certain whether Lisa slipped as a result of a build-up of water in her shower-tray, her death comes at a time when students have been voicing concerns over problems with the shower facilities in the college. lFRIENDS’ TRIBUTE, p 7 lSHOWER LEAKS, p 7

Fresher Lisa Nicholls, died on October 25 following a fall in her bathroom

YORK’S £100m NEW CAMPUS

l Same

size as existing site l First college in 5 years l Room for 5,000 students EXCLUSIVE

Campus 3: University expansion PHASE ONE CENTRAL HALL

BY ROB HARRIS

Bar and Venue.

There has been a continuing campaign by the Union since the University opened for a central bar and venue.

On numerous occasions, Admin has promised them a venue, includ- Deputy ing use of a redeveloped Central Hall — but all those plans have V i c e Chancellor fallen though.

SU President Tom Connor has issued a cursory warning on the whole F e l i c i t y project: “We’ve been led up the garden past so many times before the Ridy and new Vice Chancellor came.” However, he is optimistic that the project A n d y will get the green light, even if it means sharing it with conferences during holidays.

Connor believes that the University will need to work in partnership with the SU to maximise the funding it will get for the project. He

THE UNIVERSITY has announced a £100 million development programme — creating an almost replicasized campus to the existing one.

The most radical changes in three decades will see a 65-hectare ‘green belt’ area south of Heslington being built on, creating facilities for FIVE THOUSAND students — a 50pc expansion.

It is anticipated that the first college on the new site could be ready within five years, as campus struggles to cope with the demand for places.

But, University Security Chief Ken Batten has admitted: “Whilst we’ve got a large piece of land, we haven’t got the funding to get it all at once.”

The Student’s Union are also a key player, keen to take have considerable input in the process. They claim at last to have been offered the Bar and Venue they have sought and campaigned for since the University opened in 1961.

And, there is even an audacious plan to build a tram network linking the new and old campuses.

But, the project, dubbed Campus Three, has become a major local political issue, with the local councillor facing a growing campaign from Heslington residents about the destruction of their locality.

They fear fear that they will be engulfed by the huge expansion plans.

Councillor Martin Brumby admitted to Vision that he would have preferred the issue to have been kept quiet until AFTER May’s elections.

Waving their tatty sepia-toned pictures of Heslington in the good old days before the concrete jungle that is the University arrived, local residents expressed their concerns last week to senior members of Admin at a community meeting.

MacDonald faced a barrage of criticism about the vastness of the project.

Residents concerns centre on the increased traffic-flow, with thousands of people needing to commute between the two sites, using Main Street, Heslington as a thorough-fare. They are never afraid to express their dislike of the nuisance students cause and want to ensure the protection of their landscape and amenities.

“There’s a shed-full of issues that need to be resolved,” Coun Brumby noted.

“My perception of the views of residents is that there’s a general concern about the scale of the project. I am in favour of expansion as long as its in a sympathetic way.”

He points to the “insensitive” building of the Science Park that offended local residents, being built directly adjacent to Heslington Church.

Brumby added: “The way forward is to try and get the best deal possible for the local community.”

But, the council is adamant the project should go ahead because of the considerable financial benefits it will bring to the area.

In a council document outlining the changes, it places clear targets that have to be met in terms of the proportion of Campus Three to be used for science and technology.

This is currently the growth sector in York and the council is keen to take advantage of the University’s need to expand to boost the local economy.

For this reason, it wants a significant proportion of the new campus to focus on science and technology, a sector for jobs are booming in the area.

Martin Brumby told Vision: “The problem is more jobs are likely to be created by science than by people reading English as far as the local economy

CHARLES XII PUB is concerned.”

With half of the working people in York earning less than £15,000 and the average price of a house £110,000, the council is keen to push people into better-paid high-tech jobs.

“The strategy the council has adopted is to address that [low paid jobs] is to go for high-tech jobs and the University is crucial in that endeavour,” Brumby said.

Last month’s report by the council set out clear considerations that have to be met — all focussing on science.

A quarter of the developed area — 25 hectares — must be used for “Science City York uses and other emerging knowledge-based clusters”.

A strong emphasis is placed on research, product design and high level technical support with at least 15pc of their staff being qualified scientists and engineers.

There is a concern that the humanities could be overlooked when the academic make-up of Campus Three is revealed.

It is likely that the first of the new colleges on the site, south of Field Lane will be completed within the next five years. And, the need for it cannot be underestimated.

The University envisages an additional 2,500 students by 2005/6.

But, Andy MacDonald, the Director of Facilities Management, admitted after problems finding rooms for this year’s intake: “Campus is full.”

“We’ll start at the village end to ensure that residents aren’t out on their own,” revealed Security Chief Ken Batten.

Andy MacDonald who will oversee the project

“It is likely that a college with a nucleus and residential facilities will be build first,” he added.

Additionally, in the interim, the council has permitted further limited development of specific sites within the existing campus. This includes the planned, much-needed, renovations of Goodricke college accommodation.

Work on Campus Three will take place in two stages, with another an initial plot being unrestricted.

The council planning document notes: “An initial 35 hectares of land will be released for development to meet the University’s short-term need, the remaining 30 hectares will only be developed when the land released during the first phase is no longer adequate to meet growth requirements.”

There will be expansion into different types of courses as well as expanding existing academic areas, giving them high-profile locations such as psychology.

Extensive research reveals how the council has severely curtailed the University’s expansion plans in recent years.

Building beyond the current campus was envisaged as far back as 1967, when 320 hectares of land around the village was earmarked.

However, in the last 20 years, governments have clamped down on building on ‘green belt’ land — placing greater preservation orders on them.

Now, the University has ONEFIFTH of the land that it had originally been promised.

Brumby denied recent reports circulating that Labour councillors would vote AGAINST the University’s proposals in order to maintain their majority on the Council after May’s local government elections.

The expansion plans will clearly rally angry local residents to heavily rally their local councillor However, Brumby did reveal that he would have preferred this continuous issue to be dealt with AFTER the elections.

“If the choice was mine, I’d rather that the campus three issue did not become a big hot potato before the next election,” Brumby revealed.

“As far as I’m concerned there are no contentions between any of the

political parties.

“I can my hand-on-heart and say that I’ve heard of non-one in the Labour group apposed to the [University] proposal.”

“The future prospects of the city and the economy hinges on the Science City project of which the University is an integral part.

Director of Health and Safety, Gary Tideswelll, currently under attack by the Swimming Club about the state of the current lake, says that a water feature will form part of the development.

However, there are still question marks over what this will entail.

“The master-planners are looking closely at whether to recreate a mirror water facility on Campus 3, but are undecided over whether it’ll be another lake like the one we have at present, or more like a canal which might be used by rowers,” he said.

The project is currently in the Master-plan process, whereby all interested parties are putting there viewpoints forward, including input from local residents.

Martin Grange from the Council planning office told Vision: “In principle the council feels that there should be a site in that area . . . [but] the details have not been thrashed out.”

It is likely that any plans would have to meet the approval of the Secretary of State, with the possibility of a full public inquiry to follow.

Almost to the inch, the same size as the current campus When the Vice Chancellor briefed members of the SU he even suggested a tram system could be set up between the campuses.

The university has insisted that they will use the new site to develop better sports facilities and crucially — an SU

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

NEWS 3

Three feisty York girlies told all in a Daily Sport student sex special . . . or did they?

FIND THEM!

BY JON BENTHAM

epic adventure. However, YSC have made it clear there is to be no funny business in P/X/001.

“I’m not sure what official YSC policy is on that,” said Richard Johnston, YSC House Manager, “but if I caught them at it they’d be straight out.

“They should be watching the film, the bastards,” he added.

At present it is not known whether undergraduate applications to the university have been adversely affected by the article, while Admin are said to have no intention of carrying out any legal action against the newspaper.

Until the pictured girls can be found, the queues of frustrated rugby players, anxious to browse the walls of department photos in the physics block, could well remain a familiar sight for some time.

A FRANTIC campuswide search has begun in earnest for the three girls who have revealed their darkest sex secrets to the cheeky tabloid paper the Daily Sport – and done it all in the name of York University.

The double page spread, under the headline “I gave him a blow-job as we watched Lord of the Rings”, includes a picture of our beloved Information Centre with the caption “IT ALL HAPPENS HERE: University of York.”

Vision will spare the blushes of its more bashful readers from the sordid details of their lengthy confessions, but with

UP FOR IT: The insatiable three, and below - their appearance in print

Casting aside image as the ‘University of Dork’

Halloween faller: booze saved me A York student miraculously escaped serious injury on Halloween night after falling three metres through a skylight to the concrete garage floor below, writes JON BENTHAM. The second year English student, who asked not to be named, had been enjoying a nearby Halloween party with her boyfriend and had returned to her house in the early hours of the morning for further alcohol.

Upon finding herself locked out of the premises, she volunteered to climb up onto the roof in an effort to reach an

open bathroom window.

Disaster struck however, as she attempted to cross the fragile Perspex skylight; it immediately gave way and she plummeted to the ground below.

Her boyfriend, on hearing the commotion from the street outside, smashed his way through the bolted garage doors and found her lying dazed on the floor. “He was a real hero,” she told Vision.

Fortunately a passer-by, who by chance was a trained lifeguard, was at hand to advise on the most effective method of limiting the bleeding until the

ambulance arrived.

The Halifax College student was then rushed to hospital, but was discharged the next morning, having escaped with only minor cuts and bruises.

“I was more worried about my tongue than whether I’d broken any bones,” she said, “I’d bit it quite badly and there was a lot of blood.

“I’m so lucky I didn’t break anything,” she added, “I think the alcohol must have really helped as it kept me very relaxed. It was the booze that saved me.”

headings such as ‘Burned nipples’, ‘Lesbo Lust’, and ‘Phone-box sex’, there are widespread concerns that such shocking revelations could do real harm to the reputation of the university as a wholesome centre of learning.

A state of bemused disbelief has spread rapidly throughout the community on campus as students and staff alike join together in fierce debate as to whether the notorious tabloid has fabricated yet another sleazy sex story, or whether Vision had any part to play in their decision to go public.

Our previous issue’s ‘Student Stunners’ campaign was launched in an attempt to shed our ‘University of Dork’ image, and may well have been taken a little too far by the three girls in question.

SU President Tom Connor gasped in disbelief when confronted with the full facts of

the article, telling Vision: “I’m sure the students of this university would never do something like this, they’re far too sensible.

“Gary [Loke – SU Welfare Officer] has them far too well trained in the methods of safe sex,” he added, before going on to state that: “Unless we’ve magically started doing Geography and Drama degrees, I’d say it’s made up.”

Despite a series of blatant inaccuracies, and the fact that the names used by the three girls do not match that of any registered student at the university, the Daily Sport are adamant that there was no deception on their part.

Their News Editor, who was surprised to learn of his paper’s popularity on campus, told Vision: “Tanya [Jones – the writer of the piece] was in York asking girls in bars if they went to the university and whether they’d be interested in talking to us.

“It’s quite possible that they may have given false details, but there’s really not much we can do about that.”

Several attempts by Vision to talk to Tanya Jones in person have so far failed.

Many students at the university remain shocked by the detail of the revelations. A member of ‘York University Mountaineering Club’, who’s website features the ambiguous tag-line “See the holds, feel the friction”, commented: “One of them talks about how she’s desperate to have sex at the top of a mountain, but does she really have any idea how dangerous that can be? Rock slides, the excessive baggage you’ve got to balance, frostbite in extremely uncomfortable places – the pitfalls for the horny mountaineer are many.”

It is unclear from the article whether the girl’s indiscretion during Lord of the Rings refers to York Student Cinema’s Freshers’ week showing of the

4 NEWS

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

A superb publication ... it was a unanimous decision. ch early We judged it in 10 minutes and went to lun Media Awards judge

{

|

ALAN RUSBRIDGER, Editor, The Guardian and

l

BEST student publication l BEST website l BEST columnist

VISION has been crowned the best student publication in the country, after scooping the biggest awards in the student press industry.

We saw off ALL competition, winning Student Newspaper Of The Year at the prestigious Guardian National Student Media Awards, along with two other gongs.

Its not only in print that Vision came out on top- the judges declared yorkvision.co.uk the Best Website in the country.

And, Gareth Walker’s consistently dazzling copy saw him receive the Best Columnist trophy.

The judges specifically praised Gareth for “standing up for the much beleaguered student”.

At a glitzy ceremony in central London last Wednesday night, Vision beat off competition from more than thirty student publications, including the Oxford Cherwell and Yorkshirerivals Leeds Student.

Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan, Channel Four News anchor Jon Snow and Guardian editor Alan Rusbridger all concluded that

Vision “connected with the outside world and presented a local line on international issues.”

James Brown, founder of lads-mag Loaded, identified Vision’s powerful position.

“You can tell you are a real pain-in-the-arse presence on campus,” he said.

He praised The Sketch, having particularly enjoyed the photo mock-up of former SU President Ffion Evans with OJ Simpson.

Adrian Butler and Tom Hazeldine, who have recently vacated the editorship, were delighted: “It’s a true testament to the talents of our whole team. This national acclaim is a victory for both the University and the City of York.

“We’ve competed against the richest and most established titles in the country.

“We hope these awards will demonstrate the case for a proper level of funding from the university which Vision has sadly lacked in the past.”

Vision has aimed to combine serious investigative reporting and probing features with some of the biggest interviews in showbiz, whilst keeping University issues at the heart of the paper.

Members of the Vision team collect their awrds in London

. . . AND LOOK WHAT WE’RE UP AGAINST ON CAMPUS

NOUSE: WE’VE SWINDLED YOU

BY TOM HAZELDINE

NOUSE was on the brink of financial ruin last term after a series of spectacular clangers.

The computer that Nouse used to swindle money surrounded by the libellous article they had to remove from their last issue

They are some of the most astonishing gaffes in media history. Now, for the first time, Vision can reveal just how low our so-called campus rival had sunk.

Ex-Nouse editor Andy Plowman stands accused of SLASHING the number of issues it produced by a third SWINDLING the Union and Vice-Chancellor out of £1,900 to buy a single computer GROVELLING for another £2000 bail-out

Cut the crap, you’ve libeled Doorsafe

THE beleaguered campus news rag Nouse landed themselves in hot water at the beginning of week 4 after libeling a member of campus security firm Doorsafe.

The apparently unedited news article written by an “untrained Fresher”, described the inappropriate actions of a named member of the security firm working at last term’s Woodstock festival. The allegations, the nature of which Vision are forbidden to repeat, were unsubstantiated.

SU Services Officer James Byron hauled three senior members of the Nouse team into his office for an emergency meeting within hours of the newly printed bundles arriving on campus.

“The libel was so blatant I was straight on the phone to them the second I’d read it,” said Byron, “it was just full of so many factual inaccuracies and actually named the poor guy three times.”

Not only did the article state that his Doorsafe contract allowed him to act as he did, it also claimed the popular RAG festival was forced to shut a day early as a result of his actions. Both details are entirely false.

If Doorsafe were to sue over the allegations, it

would be Byron standing in the dock, as the Students’ Union is ultimately responsible for anything the campus newspaper prints.

Union Manager Jolene Jessiman, and the libeled individual in question, later joined the emergency meeting to discuss the next appropriate course of action, before deciding they would have to cut out the offending article from each of the 2,500 copies of the issue printed.

Following a frantic dash round campus to recover the few copies already distributed, the Nouse team came to the VISION office to borrow some scissors, then set about the formidable task of removing the offending article from the mountain of bundles.

Of the copies already distributed, Nouse estimate that only fifty have escaped the chop.

Editor Adam Gristwood declined to answer Vision’s questions, but did offer us the following statement: “The removal of the article reflects Nouse’s commitment to honest reporting. It is unfortunate that a seemingly reliable source proved otherwise and we have all learnt valuable lessons.”

Catalogue of clangers and mismanagement to pay off old debts, and BUNGLING two special editions covering Union elections and the Grad Ball.

The accident-prone campus rag now owes the SU an astonishing £4,800 which it will take eight years to repay, under current arrangements.

Nouse faced insolvency at Easter after its printer, the Huddersfield Examiner, demanded payment of a whopping £2000 debt – money Plowman claims he knew nothing about.

He begged the Union for help and was hauled up before its Executive Committee. There followed an afternoon of crisis talks to decide whether to shut Nouse down for good.

Instead, they thrashed out a deal which handed the editor a £2000 lifeline. Half the cash was to be paid back. The rest was written off.

Nouse, in return, was banned from printing an edition without Union permission.

And this wasn’t the first time Nouse had asked its paymasters for more. It bagged a grand off the Vice-Chancellor in January to replace one of its Applemacs.

At the same time, it got another £900 from the SU for the same computer, as part of its £4,400 annual budget.

Plowman admitted: “It’s not a bad swindle at all.

“It made more sense for us to have the request for computers still on our [Union] b u d g e t request, Andy Plowman: revelations because we

didn’t know if we were going to get any money from the Vice Chancellor.

“I thought someone was going to pull us up and say, ‘hang on a second, haven’t you just bought one’, but nobody did because it all happened at around about the same time.

“We took a bit of a calculated gamble and it paid off.”.

Plowman spent the dying moments of his infamous editorship making an astonishing cockup at the Grad Ball.

The Nouse team were allowed free entry to the glitzy black-tie event, which cost £65 a head, to design a commemorative issue for guests.

Not a single copy got published, because no one had bothered to check if they could use the Union’s printer.

They made a similar mess of their Election Special, which took them more than a week to print.

It finally hit the stalls on the last day of the Spring term.

Faced with this catalogue of disaster, Plowman conceded: “I’m not the most organised of people.”

He added: “You get to the point where you’re in production week and if, for four or five days things are going well, I get the fear.

“It’s horrible working with those kind of conditions, worrying where the next crock of shit’s going to come from.”

Current SU President and former Societies’ Officer, Tom Connor, said he was extremely worried about the state Nouse was in.

“If there was this big deficit produced each year in a particular budget area, then the University would obviously clamber at our throats and demand an explanation, so we have to make sure we’re covering our own backs.”

“But I think it would have been a tremendous shame not to have given them the opportunity to carry on.”

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

I’M IN CHARGE Vice Chancellor hits back at Union threats NEW Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor has blasted back at Tom Connor after the Union President threatened to “take advantage” of his inexperience.

Vision reported last issue on the President’s ambition to use any kind of direct action, “as and when it was needed”, to force changes in University policy.

Now Cantor has turned the tables on the young pretender, declaring: “Maybe I can take advantage of his inexperience.”

He added: “I don’t think inexperience on my behalf really comes into it.”

In an exclusive interview with Vision, the VC sketched farreaching plans to expand the university and enhance its status across the world.

But he refused to be drawn on major issues currently causing tension on campus.

Cantor has NO policy on 24 hour portering, NO answer to York’s accommodation crisis, and NO commitment to a central

bar

BOLSHY: Tom Connor

BY TOM HAZELDINE

and venue.

“I don’t know all the details about this portering question,” he said.

And he backtracked on Admin’s key pledge to build a student-run central bar.

Cantor argued: “My understanding, which may be wrong, is that York is a collegiate university, and therefore ever since it was set up the intention was to provide social facilities on a college by college basis.

“One is always working with limited resources and we can’t do everything we want, if you see what I mean.

“I think that’s partly for the students to decide. I’m not against looking into it.”

But Cantor’s real enthusiasm lies with a massive PR bid to improve links with other universities, especially in the US and China.

He said: “Internationally, it’s not quite well known just how strong the university is, but I think part of my job is to make that known.

The VC has honorary professorships at two Chinese universities, and a host of contacts in America.

He is also drawing-up plans for a radical expansion of the university, which he claimed would happen “very quickly”.

That doesn’t solve York’s current accommodation crisis that has forced many Freshers to room share – a policy Cantor said he regrets.

“Any major change in our campus arrangements won’t happen in six months,” he admitted.

“The short term problem is

NEWS 5

Strikes could cause severe fire damage

BY ROB HARRIS

SEVERE fire damage on campus could be caused if firefighters go ahead with the first of their planned 48-hour strikes tomorrow (Wednesday).

This is the stern warning from Security Chief Ken Batten who told Vision: “The University is concerned that in the worst case scenario we could end up with severe fire damage because of the limited ability of the army to deal with a major fire.”

Despite the first two-planned strikes being cancelled, the November 13-14 action, the first for 25 years, is expected to goahead after talks stalled last week.

However, Batten reassured students: “All staff have gone through training to deal with immediate responses.”

His main advice is not to use any naked fire or any implement that can cause fire, such as cookers, unless closely monitored.

Firefighters, who are demanding a 40pc pay-hike, have announced that eight-day strikes will also take place from November 22 and December 4 and 16.

‘Stop confetti postering’ BOSS: New VC Brian Cantor PHOTO: ROB HARRIS

Troubled new life of Brian

MANCHESTER-born Brian hasn’t had an easy time of it since he moved to York.

He arrived at the start of term after twenty years at Oxford, where he was Head of Division of Mathematical and Physical Sciences.

At the moment, he and his partner, marathon runner Gill, are living in a prefab on Spring Lane while his official residence is repaired.

As Vision revealed last issue, the windows in his would-be home are falling in, and the electri-

cal wiring is on the blink.

“The house was built in the 60s and has reached a point where maintenance work is badly needed,” he explained.

And Cantor also admits he is struggling to get to know York students, because he doesn't know the “best mechanism” for making new friends.

He said: “I’ve been to the bar in Derwent a couple of times but I haven’t yet had a chance to meet many students.

“I'm not quite sure how best to achieve it.”

It’s all a far cry from Cantor's old life as an international jet-setter, when he could hobnob with the likes of sci-fi master Arthur C Clarke and former US President Bill Clinton.

He travelled the globe as a roving materials consultant, and was invited back to Washington this September to continue high-profile research for NASA. But he had to turn them down because of his new commitments in York.

SECURITY Chief Ken Batten has warned the Student’s Union that they must accept responsibility for the increasing “confetti postering” of campus.

Batten also expressed his “disappointment” at the Stop the War movement’s defiance of his order not to blanket poster all possible positions on campus.

“I’m disappointed by the Stop the War team, particularly Jacob [Mukherjee] who assured me that he wouldn’t cover campus with stickers.

Subsequently he did exactly the opposite,” Batten told Vision.

He added: “The university can’t have confetti postering that is becoming an environmental issue and damaging the fabric of the university.”

Batten alerted students that any damage and staff time can be billed.

To repaint a walk-way upright – caused by sticker damage – can cost £700. There is now a plan for regulated outside noticeboards.

SMASH AND GRAB

HALIFAX Fresher Grant Mason was left furious in week 3 after a thief smashed the window of his ground floor bedroom in St Lawrence Court and made off with his brand new £1500 laptop.

ANGER AT TOP-UP FEES PLAN

YORK would be prepared to introduce controversial top-up fees, should the government give the go-ahead early next year.

January’s Higher Education White Paper is expected to suggest top-up fees as a means of overcoming the chronic underfunding of universities. In keeping with a manifesto pledge, it is widely anticipated that Labour could introduce top-up fees during the next parliament, in 2006.

University spokesperson Hilary Layton denied that York supported the use of topup fees, but would not rule out their introduction if given the green light.

“If the whole funding agenda for universities changes, York will have to react to it in the same way as every university will,” she said.

Speaking to Vision earlier in the term, Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor also refused to rule out top-up fees, arguing that the

BY CHRIS CERMAK

Labour had to find a way to provide more adequate funding for British universities.

“The government has to understand that things need to be funded at the amount it takes to achieve them,” he revealed.

Cantor’s guarded opinions lie in stark contrast with those of former VC Ron Cooke, who retired at the end of last term; something that worries Students’ Union President Tom Connor. “Ron Cooke was against top-up fees and he made that very clear. The new Vice Chancellor hasn’t made a statement like that and indeed is not ruling out top-up fees at all,” he said.

NUS has been lobbying hard on this issue, in anticipation of January’s funding review. On October 23, six members of York’s SU joined forces with students around the country for a national lobby of

Parliament, which saw many MPs signing an Early Day Motion in support of the student movement.

Connor applauded the success of the event, but remained cautious.

“The problem lies with the MPs that we didn’t get to speak to; they’re the ones that’ll be causing the ripples and tides in parliament when any bill comes through,” he said.

Connor added that the SU would be travelling to London “within 72 hours” of the white paper’s release, regardless of its report.

A number of elite universities, including Imperial College in London and Warwick, have recently come out in support of charging top-up fees of up to £10,500. An organised National Demonstration on the issue of student funding will be held in London on December 4.

SU Officers at their recent lobby of Parliament

06 NEWS

Newsfile Connor: We’re NOT content on porters, Batten SU PRESIDENT Tom Connor has hit back at Security Chief Ken Batten’s claim that students are no longer interested in 24-hour portering.

Batten told Vision: “The student fraternity are content with the status quo.

“There are more strategic issues to get to grips with.

24-hour portering is not what it was last year. There is basically an agreement.”

However Connor is still piling the pressure on Admin.

“We are not content at the moment,” he said. “Even though the University said they won’t be reviewing the 24-hour portering issue this year, we will still remind them that we want it.”

Dyke: I dodged TV license BBC boss Greg Dyke has revealed he was caught without a TV licence in the seventies whilst a student at York University. The 55-year-old director-general, now earning £350,000-a-year, told students at Wolverhampton University: “They came round and knocked on my door and caught me.”

A BBC spokeswoman said: “His mum gave him a black and white TV. A licence detective knocked on his door and said: “Do you have a TV?”’ “They asked if he would be buying a licence. He bought one the next day. There were no enforcement proceedings.”

YorCash scrapped THE University has effectively admitted the failure of the YorCash system.

An upgrade of campus washing machines at Christmas will see coinslots being used.

The electronic card system, whereby cash was topped up at Yorcash machines, was largely considered a disaster.

The machines were constantly out of order for long periods, generating vast swathes of student anger.

Property talk AN initiative is to launch a voluntary code of practise for lanlords letting to students.

A talk will be held in Central Hall on Wednesday Week 7 (November 20) between 2pm

Vision thanks Thanks to everyone who left at the last issue. Particular appreciation to award-winning members Tom Hazeldine, Adrian Butler, and Laura Pearson.

Particular appreciation this week to SU Services Officer James Byron for all his help.

NEXT VISION MEETING ON MONDAY WEEK 7 IN PX001 (PHYSICS), AT 7PM. Call Vision on 01904 433 720.

Vision is printed by Westcountry Design and Print, Exeter.

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

HOW ONE DISTRESSED GIRL WAS HARASSED BY A BUILDER DEMOLISHING THE WATER TOWER . . .

Fancy a bite of my baguette, darling?

BY ANNA MAYALL FRESHERS ‘lucky’ to live in expensive new Alcuin blocks are woken at 4am by noise, harrassed by workers and forced to live without security lighting, all due to the construction works in their college.

Furious residents of Alcuin have compiled a list of 37 complaints regarding the construction work in their college and the demolition of the water tower, to present to college admin.

Students in H Block have been woken at 4am by workers delivering equipment to the site despite university guidelines stating that workers cannot make noise until 8am.

David Milne, a resident of E block said: “I’m in my final year and need to study but I’m woken every morning at 7.30 by machinery, shouting and radios and sometimes it doesn’t stop until 7pm. It’s outrageous.”

Gareth Hughes, Alcuin chair told Vision: “Six of the complaints are about the conduct of the building staff. They ranged from improper comments, abusive language and general poor behaviour, such as singing

ANGER AT WORKMEN’S ABUSIVE LANGUAGE songs of a questionable nature.”

One female student who asked not to be named, was harassed by a group of workmen as she walked past the site eating a baguette. One of them shouted “Still hungry darling? You can have a bite of my baguette!” while the others laughed.

Andy Macdonald, Facilities Manager, has admitted to Alcuin JCRC that these contractors have never worked on a university campus before. Vision contacted John Menzie, the project manager representing the university who said that noise levels were being monitored and as far as he knew were within guideline boundaries.

He told us that official weekday work times are 7.30am - 5pm; when we revealed to him the degree to which noise exceeds its time boundaries he promised to personally patrol the site to ensure that the contractors keep to the agreed times.

Gareth Hughes is particularly concerned about students’ safety without lighting at night. The construc-

tion work has damaged much of the security lighting.

He is most worried about the route between Alcuin and Langwith and the underpath leading from the biology labs, described as a “long dark stretch”.

The JCRC asked security to do additional patrols in these areas but at the time of going to press they were still awaiting a response. A Security Services spokesman told Vision: “Estates are repairing lighting all around campus and that will include Alcuin”. They refused to comment on the question of why they have not started extra patrols.

Hughes believes the situation needs to be rectified urgently. Students will soon need to study for end of term assessments, and with the hours of darkness increasing and no security lighting their safety is at risk.

He says he will hold the contractors to their code of practise and that “there’s no way I’m prepared to tolerate any extension of the inconvenience the work is causing.”

SUPPORT FLAGGING FOR PRO-WAR MOVEMENTS POSING in their Vanbrugh windows, these students are part of an isolated pro-war faction on campus.

It was part of a last ditch attempt by the Conservatives to whip up support against an Emergency General Meeting motion that led to the Union adopting a pro-Iraq war policy.

York students became amongst the first in the country to agree to ‘unequivocally oppose any attack of Iraq’.

The Week 4 EGM rushed through the controversial motion ahead of a National Day of Action against war on Iraq.

All but a handful of students opposed the motion to ‘support future campaigns against a war on Iraq’.

Jacob Mukherjee, SU Racial Equality Officer, proposed the original motion: “There is no legal or moral case for attacking Iraq — there are other countries with a far worse record of human rights.”

Members of York Students Against the War rallied the support of hundreds of students, forcing the emergency

BY LOUISE BURNS meeting to be held.

Mukherjee told Vision: “I’m pleased with the SU input, and the EGM helped to re-energise campus politics — if only for a while.”

The meeting itself was not free from problems and had to be postponed for 15 minutes while 50 people were hustled in from outside, in a desperate attempt to reach the meeting’s quoracy figure of 310.

The debate was also cut short, causing annoyance to the Conservative Party members.

Campus Tory Vice-Chair Iain Lindley commented: “Stop the War have consistently told us for the last 3 months how they’ve only wished to hold a proper debate on the issue but then promptly called for the debate to be ended just as the opposition speakers were making an impact.” There have been complaints that the EGM was not a fair representation of the student population, and instead only those with

Members of the Campus Tories show their support for war in their Vanbrugh windows strongly held or extremist opinions were put forth.

But Mukherjee contests these claims saying: “There was a petition in Week 1 and about nine out of ten people signed it in favour of stopping the war. The EGM was fairly representative of general opinion. It is unfair to call us extremists.’

The National Day of Action on Thursday October 31, which the SU

was mandated to support, was seen as a “resounding success” by York SAW’s Rory Palmer — despite a lack of planning time.

Around 100 students attended speeches and a two minute silence in Vanburgh paradise.

150 students then marched to Fulford Barracks for a candlelight vigil, where they were joined by 500 members of the York Anti-War society.

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

NEWS 7

LEAKING SHOWERS

BY ALISON NEIGHBOUR LEAKING showers are proving to be a nuisance and possibly dangerous in luxurious en-suite bedrooms.

Residents in James and Alcuin are experiencing tremendous problems with drainage.

One resident explained that the shower tray is not deep enough, causing water to overflow onto the bathroom floor.

Water seeps into the bedroom, and must be ‘scooped’ back into the shower tray to prevent a massive flood on opening the door.

But, the problems are not only in en-suite showers.

Residents of James C Block recently found themselves in deep water when they attempted to use their communal shower.

The freshers were not amused to find water flooding into the hallway from the ‘lake’ in the bathroom after each use.

These facilities are a far cry from the ensuite bathrooms and brand new kitchens of the newer blocks, with the three original James College buildings leaving residents to share one showerroom between fifteen.

One sodden resident told Vision: “We have to wade through dirty water and there is nowhere dry to put a towel. It’s disgusting.”

By the end of Week 1, unsanitary water soaked the hall carpet, even entering a nearby bedroom.

Resident Simon Pizzey was clearly distressed: “Water was seeping under my door. I was afraid I would have to swim downstairs”.

On reporting the matter, residents came under fire from housekeeper Jackie Coughlin.

She insisted that the leakage was

Friends’ tribute to Lisa

SENSE OF HUMOUR CAPTURED OUR HEARTS ON FRIDAY October 25, Lisa Nicholls, a member of n James College, passed away. Lisa was much loved by everyone who met her in her short time at University and will be sorely missed.

Lisa was from Bradford and studied Biochemistry.

Away from her studies she was the life and soul of any night out, or night in, and her bubbly personality and wonderful sense of humour captured the hearts of anyone who met her.

In the three weeks she was here, Lisa never failed to raise a smile, whether she was cracking jokes in lectures, beating up the guys in the kitchen or knocking back bottles of wine in the pub!

To those who knew her, Lisa’s presence and the effect she had on people will be felt forever.

Our thoughts at this difficult time go out to Lisa’s parents, who we hope will take comfort in knowing how well Lisa got on at University and that in her time here she had such a positive impact on so many people’s lives.

Lisa will certainly never be forgotten by anyone who had the pleasure of meeting her. due to improper use of the shower curtain, rather than a maintenance fault.

A sign to this effect was posted in the bathroom, reminding the residents to pull the curtain round when showering.

Angered, one student complained: “We are not babies, we know how to use a shower. She is blaming us instead of admitting the problem and sorting it out”.

The water problem disappeared a few days after the complaint. However, a maintenance man was spotted entering the building whilst everyone was out. Residents are now worried they will be charged to replace

the water–stained carpet, as Facilities personnel blame them for the leakage.

Ken Todd, James Provost, refused to condemn the actions of his staff, saying: “The housekeeper is normally efficient about getting things fixed”.

Despite these reassurances, water damage to the kitchen ceiling suggests that this is not a new problem, merely one that has been patched up several times but never properly fixed.

With rent prices soaring, students are right to expect decent bathroom facilities, and current conditions are evidently far from ideal, even in newer blocks.

BLOODY CONFUSING

The posters that appeared on the British Blood Bank vans on Tuesday Week 4

A PROTEST attempting to highlight the allegedly homophobic policy of the British Blood Bank has caused confusion amongst students.

The activist covered the windscreen of the Blood Bank van in posters reading ‘No gay blood’ and ‘Gay blood - aids?’ during week 4, leading many to assume that it was the work of a homophobic protester.

However, Welfare Officer Gary Loke set the record straight, telling Vision: “It was actually an anti-homophobic protest- the rules forbid them from accepting blood from any man that’s ever had sex with another man.

“This sends out the wrong message as it ignores the fact that safe sex between gay men is far safer than unprotected sex between a heterosexual couple. It’s a very old fashioned idea of their’s, and it’s totally untrue.”

Swimming club in hot water over disease claims

FEISTY: President Ruth Campion

UNIVERSITY Health and Safety Officers were in a fierce stand-off with the Swimming club at the start of term after the aquatic team covered campus in posters urging freshers to join them at the Barbican pool rather than risk a dip in the supposedly disease ridden lake on campus.

One of the light-hearted posters joked: “There are 2,461 infectious diseases in the University lake (probably) – Don’t risk it, join UYSWC instead!” while another warned “University Lake: 1,600 casualties in 3 years (a rough estimate); UYSWC: The only casualties are the opposition!”

However Gary Tideswell, Director of Health and Safety, refused to see the funny side and immediately fired off an

BY JON BENTHAM angry email to the club’s president: “The posters advertising your club state that there have been approx. 1,600 casualties in the Lake in the last three years,” he wrote. “My information is that there have been no casualties and only minor incidents – none involving injury . . . if you have information substantiating your claim then I would be very interested to see it.”

He then went on to demand the immediate removal of the posters from all areas of campus.

UYSWC’s feisty young president Ruth Campion was shocked to be picked up on for her first term recruitment campaign.

YORK VISION Editors: Rob Harris and Isobel Todd Deputy: Louise Burns and Anna Mayall editor@vision.york.ac.uk Managing Editor: Neil Brown Advertising Manager: Chiara Pollo Deputy: Charlotte Day advertising@vision.york.ac.uk Web Editor: Matthew Platts System Administrator: Nick Lay web@vision.york.ac.uk

“It was very harsh,” she told Vision.

“We all thought the posters were really funny. They just can’t take a joke,” she added.

Tideswell has hit back at the club president’s remarks questioning his sense of humour.

“Yes, I can take a joke,” he said, “but that wasn’t a joke. It’s simply not good practice to exaggerate hazards that aren’t there. They were indicating that there have been lots of problems with the lake, and that’s not true.”

Tideswell admitted that the results of the most recent bacterial assessment of the lake had been “not very good”, explaining: “We do get a lot of run-off from the car parks and as it’s a manmade lake there’s no process of natural

self-cleaning, so it’s always going to be more difficult.”

“This is exactly why we don’t allow anyone to swim in the lake,” he added.

While senior members of the AU were said to be extremely concerned at the prospect of the club being sued, Tideswell is yet to decide whether a repeat performance from the popular club president would result in any disciplinary action.

“I’d have to take advice on the matter,” he said, “it’s something I’d have to give a lot of thought to.”

Campion remains unapologetic for the stunt: “We got loads of new members at the AU Mart,” she responded cheerfully, “the posters certainly did their job.”

THE INDEPENDENT VOICE OF YORK STUDENTS News Editor: Jon Bentham Deputy: Claire Coady & Sophie Whitehead Politics Editor: Gavin Aitchison Deputy: Alex Jackman Media Editor: Kelly Nobay Deputy: Sam Walton Features Editors: Rebecca Bull & Mags Parker Deputy: Simon Taghioff Lifestyle Editor: Laura Starkey Deputy: Louise Cohen

Food and Drink Editor: Roxy Warrick Deputy: Ed Cunningham Music Editor: James Kelly Deputy: Robin Howells & Ewen Tant Films Editor: Jonathan Beaufort-Jones Deputy: Jess Shiddell & Steph Taylor Arts Editor: Alison Neighbour Deputy: Rob Leigh & Nancy Walker Books Editor: Cathy Baldwin Deputy: Victoria Lyle

Sports Editors: John Hyde & Johnny Morgan Deputy: Jamie Coggans Photo Editor: Ellena Valizadeh Deputy: Lizzie Turner Cartoonist: Timo

Opinions expressed in Vision are not necessarily those of the Editors, Senior Editorial Team, membership or advertisers. Every effort is made to ensure all articles are as factually correct as possible at the time of going to press, given the information available.

Copyright Vision Newspapers, 2002

8 POLITICS

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

BLAIR’S MENTOR ADMITS TO VISION:

I GOT IT WRONG My ‘corrosive spin’ has hurt Labour, confesses Campbell he claimed.

“I think what’s happened is that more and more people are feeling

BY TOM HAZELDINE ALISTAIR Campbell, the man at the heart of Downing Street who accused Gordon Brown of being “psychologically flawed” and claimed Peter Mandelson had become “slightly detached” from reality, admitted to Vision last week that his excessive use of spin has damaged the government.

The former Daily Mirror journalist and pioneer of New Labour’s media revolution confessed that his attempt to control the press has caused a “corrosive” breakdown of trust with ordinary people.

Campbell argued Labour was too slow adapting to government and continued to behave like a party still in Opposition, wasting its time worrying about the next day’s headlines.

Vision grabbed the king of spin when he spoke at a Guardian press conference last Wednesday.

He gave our reporters a searing account of where Labour had gone wrong.

The media, he said, had turned against the government because it felt “manipulated” by a sophisticated PR offensive.

Suspicion of spin had “contaminated” all coverage of political events.

He added: “There was a lack of trust and mutual respect building up between us and the media that just frankly became corrosive.”

The rise of 24-hour, non-stop news has created a “media bubble” which separates politicians and reporters from everyday life,

excluded from what they are perceiving as a conversation between government and the media, from which they don’t feel plugged into most of the time.

“We did carry on for too some of the tactics that have to use when in Opposition, where you’ve got is what

long y o u you’re frankly all you say.

“People started mistrusting the whole political process, and that was very, very damaging.”

Campbell went to work for Tony Blair in 1994, determined the new leader would avoid the media drubbing dished out to Neil Kinnock at the 1992 election.

His solution was to ‘package’ key party pledges into basic slogans which could be relentlessly hammered home.

It was, he said, the only way to get Labour back on track.

“There is no doubt at all that the Labour party historically has always had a far worse press than the Conservatives.

“We made a deliberate effort to get a better dialogue going with papers, like the Murdoch papers, where traditionally we’d had very little dialogue at all.”

“It was actually about preventing destruction by a hostile press.”

But Campbell had to quit his job as Blair’s press secretary after becoming the subject of too many stories.

Most notorious was a press briefing in 1998 when he allegedly waded into the Brown-Blair feud by telling reporters the chancellor was suffering from “psychological flaws”.

And when Peter Mandelson was forced out over the ‘cash for passports’ row last year, Campbell stunned Fleet Street by commenting: “Part of the problem is that there were things Peter cannot explain, and cannot explain to himself.

“I think he has been slightly detached.”

After the last general election, the king of spin became director of communications in charge of the government’s overall strategy. Friends said he was “ready for a change”.

All other leading Labour spin merchants have been caught out because they didn’t keep ahead of the game - Derek Draper, Charlie Whelan, and Jo ‘let’s bury bad news’ Moore.

Not Campbell. He has constantly driven the agenda forward and is about to embark on a new PR bid making government more accessible to the people. That, he noted, is why he took the time

Ex-Vision editors Tom Hazeldine (left) and Adrian Bulter (centre) with current co-editor Rob Harris, meet Campbell PHOTO: JON BENTHAM out to come and speak with us.

“I passionately believe unless we actually raise the level of political debate in Britain it’s going to be a lot harder to change Britain for the better,” he declared with a typically Blairite touch.

Downing Street, he claimed, will now “worry far less about what’s in this day’s papers or that night’s bulletin”.

The shackles of spin are being lifted from ministers, and Campbell said he would be “a bit more relaxed and grown-up about there being a more diverse range of voices at the centre”.

He added: “We are trying to reinvent ourselves whilst being on top and that is a very difficult thing to do.”

Despite claiming politics is “far more rewarding” than journalism, Campbell is still a newspaper man.

For more exclusive politics articles,visit Guardian website of the year www.yorkvision.co.

The future of the House n of Lords is the subject of heated debate. Criticising their decision on the recent Adoption and Children Bill, Gavin Willshaw argues that the Lords is an unjustifiable relic.

in the US has been one of shock and outrage. However, argues James Knight, “Residents living close to the shootings were forced to live their lives the way a large proportion of American society has for a long time.”

The media reaction to the recent sniper attacks

Nick Pontefract looks back on the fortieth anni-

n

n

versary of the Cuban missile crisis. “The fears of today pale into insignificance, when compared to the terror that gripped the world in that week in 1962.”

Labour MP, Jeremy n Corbyn, recently visited campus, where he addressed

members of the newly-estab-

lished ‘Friends of Palestine’ society. Chris Cermak reports on what he had to say.

Price, such a reputation is undeserved. He tells the often untold story of what the Order is really all about.

only serve to draw previously apathetic states like Australia into the west’s war on terrorism.

The reputation of the The world-wide implicaGavin Harris warns of n Orange Order has been ntions of Al-Qaeda’s nthe dangers to democraclouded in recent years by attack on America last year cy when a government spin angry disputes and skirmishes during the marching season. But, argues Richard

are still being assessed.

Tom Round reports on the Bali bombing and how it may

machine tells its public what to think. Is Blair a moral dictator?

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

POLITICS 9

York worse than many secondary

schools

SAYS PHIL WILLIS MP

SHADOW EDUCATION MINISTER’S DAMNING VERDICT ON FACILITIES

STUDENTS OF today are “brighter, more informed and more skilled” than ever before, but are suffering from a higher education system which is “fundamentally flawed”, according to Phil Willis MP. In a recent address to York students, the Liberal Democrat’s Education Secretary was heavily critical of a system, which he claims “hinders people's right to education” through excessive barriers to progress.

He also laid into the poor state of student teaching facilities at York, highlighting the need for greater investment in universities.

Mr Willis describes himself as a ‘passionate educationalist’ and, listening to him, one cannot fail to be impressed by his devotion to the cause of pupils and students.

He rejects claims that exams are made easier by the year, arguing rather that students are becoming ever more skilled at handling exams. “There has been a quantum leap even from five

BY GAVIN AITCHISON

years ago to now,” Willis claims.

The senior Lib Dem is distinctly unimpressed however, with both the current system, and the present government's attitude towards education.

“We have a government which is obsessed with getting positive headlines,” he argues. “They simply want league tables, which does not help students at all.”

Willis firmly believes that everyone has a right to higher education, and openly despairs at the lack of assistance given to students in today's society.

Since the incorporation of the polytechnics into UCAS in 1992, university attendance in Britain has soared.

However, academic and financial support has simultaneously fallen.

Willis remarks: “In the last decade, the time each student spends with a

Phil Willis: Wants fees to be replaced by a two-three pc graduate tax

professional lecturer has halved. And since 1988, there has been a year on year fall in the level of support given to students at all British universities, with the exception of Oxbridge.”

When tuition fees were introduced in 1997, Willis claims: “We put a premium on higher education, which should not be the case.”

Investment in research at British universities currently stands at its lowest level since the 1960s, while investment in the core infrastructure and fabric of higher education institutions is at an all-time low.

Willis delivered a damning verdict on the York campus, believing the university has been blighted by poor and inadequate facilities.

“Many of the lecture rooms and laboratories here at York are worse than those found in many secondary schools,” Willis observes, arguing that universities across Britain require

almost £10 billion in order to upgrade their infrastructure to the necessary level.

Willis is very clear on where the money for this upgrade, and more importantly student funding, should come from, presenting a vigorous argument in favour of a graduate tax.

Citing the fact that graduates earn 17% more, on average, than non-graduates, Willis believes that a tax of 2-3% on all graduates would be justified.

The money raised by such a tax could then be ploughed back into the university system, providing a “streamline of income for ever”, Willis argues.

Fees could then be abolished, thus removing the immediate financial barrier to further education.

He recognises that a Graduate tax is unlikely to be backed by the Labour government.

“The problem is, it offers no return to the treasury for a decade,” he

{ Idea of market in higher education is incredibly unattractive |

explains. “So the government are not interested.”

The government’s preferred option is that of allowing universities to charge top-up fees, in order to fund their research, maintenance and student support programmes.

Such a policy makes economic sense, however, Willis highlights the moral problems which a 'differential fees' policy would pose.

“The idea of a market in higher education is incredibly unattractive,” Willis claims. “If we cut off ambitions due to cost, then we are singularly failing as a nation.”

Alas, such failure now looks likely.

The government's approach to education may be a pragmatic and economically sound one, but economic sense should not be the key issue here.

As Willis argues, every individual has a fundamental right to further their education, regardless of their financial situation. It is a sad indictment of the Labour government that they appear so willing to compromise this principle.

LABOUR’S BURNING ISSUE

Soldiers will be called upon, should the firefighters’ strike go ahead

THE ON-GOING Fire Brigades' Union's dispute with the government has enthralled the public for more than a month.

“Lives are at risk,” screamed Daily Telegraph front page and if I hear the phrase ‘aged Green Goddesses’ once more I think I might scream as well.

The fire fighters, however, suspended their first two strikes. This led to an audible sigh of relief up and down the country, and a louder sigh of disappointment in Fleet Street.

No one can deny that the firemen are in an invidious position. If they strike they will get accused of the murder of every person to die in a fire during the strike period. If they do not strike then they must simply await the outcome of the government's 'independent' pay review.

So independent is this pay review that all three chairs were appointed by the government. Furthermore, the government has even announced that it will not accept the fire fighters' 40pc pay demand, no matter what the outcome of the review.

As a result, the FBU has done the only

BY DAVID SLATER

thing they could do: call a massive program of strike action and hope the government blinks before they have to.

What of the fire fighters’ claim? 40pc sounds an incredible increase to ask for. In actual monetary terms it would mean a rise from the current £21,531 per year for a fully qualified fire fighter, to £31,144.

At present, after 15 years' service, an unpromoted fire fighter will still earn less than £22,000. To put this in perspective, a first year trainee lawyer earns on average £20,277, a police constable £29,062 and a qualified train driver on GNER £32,000.

However it is other comparisons that ask the really big questions. Why is it that those who we most depend upon, and who do jobs that are genuinely a matter of life or death, are paid less than, for example, a public relations consultant or a non-executive director?

The government has recognised this — its response is to claim that ‘giving in’ to the fire fighters' demands would lead to a flurry of

other pay demands from the public sector. In other words if we pay the fire fighters what they deserve then we may have to pay others what they deserve as well.

Yet there are genuine questions to be asked of the fire fighters. The most pertinent must be what on earth has the Fire Brigade's Union been doing for the last 30 years to allow the present situation to emerge?

It is a question that should be asked of every union that puts in a large pay demand, especially a justifiable one. Moreover, should a strike actually take place, and a large-scale emergency occurs, should the striking fire fighters respond to it? I have no doubt that they would.

The next few weeks will be a challenging time for the government, who must show enough courage to move away from the conservative agenda it has so far followed and implement a generous pay award. It will also be a moment of truth for the FBU, whose leadership must be aware that a protracted dispute will see no winners, but will ensure that fire fighters end up the losers.

10 POLITICS

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

TOO BUSY TO HELP

MARI LEWIS on why the West won’t save starving Africa SOUTHERN Africa is going into meltdown. Already faced with economic disaster and an Aids crisis, there is now the prospect of famine hitting 14 million people within months.

Four million tonnes of food relief are needed after this year’s harvest fell to just one-third its usual level.

Malawi, where 80 per cent of the population depend on agriculture for survival, declared a “food security crisis” back in February.

An estimated 3.2 million Malawians need emergency assistance – little wonder with 65 per cent of the country living below the poverty line.

What hope is there for the millions in desperate need?

“Nothing we're doing is helping,” says York student Jenny Lee. “It’s difficult to get people to react. The more you see it, the easier it gets to ignore.”

The response of the West to

IAIN DUNCAN-SMITH, Conservative Party leader, promised in Blackpool that conference week 2002 would be remembered as the week when the Conservatives began "the slow, hard road back to power".

Those critics who have rushed to claim that the selfstyled 'quiet man' of British politics is doomed to fail, need only look to history to see that their predictions are ill founded.

When Margaret Thatcher took the helm of the Conservatives in 1975 she made as little impact leading her party in opposition as Iain Duncan-Smith.

Although her status as the first female Tory leader secured her some publicity she was thought ineffectual at Question Time and presided over a divided party.

Though academic debate over the coherence and impact of Thatcherism continues, one area of significant agreement is the Thatcher of 1975 did not resemble the 'iron lady' a decade later.

Margaret Thatcher reflected a long line of Conservative pragmatists, whose policies were born out of circumstance and not ideology. Thatcherism offered a clear vision for escape from economic stagnation, and for the reassertion of political authority at a time when the governability of the British Isles was questioned.

Africa’s latest crisis is a far cry from Bob Geldof’s Live Aid campaign in the 1980s.

Then, every self-respecting celebrity wanted to ‘give peace a chance’ and go naked rather than wear fur. Now it seems that the only fashionable cause is no cause at all.

Responding to an anti-war advertisement in NME placed by Damon Albarn and Massive Attack’s 3D, a compassionate Noel Gallagher opined: “He is like, ‘Is there a bandwagon passing? Park it outside my house’.”

We don’t seem interested because we don’t understand why things have gone so wrong.

The African continent is like a fly caught in a web, becoming more enmeshed in her own sticky tangle with every convulsive move.

There is a suspicion that the people of Africa are certainly not helping themselves.

President Robert Mugabe of

Her policies were born of pragmatic origins, but the electoral success that saw the Conservative Party spend eighteen successive years in office fossilised Thatcherism, robbing it of its pragmatism.

New Labour grew up as a response to changing circumstances. Whilst still inheriting the baggage of the Labour movement, New Labour looked relatively flexible compared to the Conservative New-Right platform in 1997.

Tony Blair helped create, and benefited from, a new era of government. A combination of poor personal management, and a failure to engage with the new paradigm, led to William Hague's heavy defeat in 2001.

I a i n DuncanSmith appears to have learnt from the PR disasters made by Hague and has sought a lower public profile than his predecessor.

By concentrating on a formula to breathe life into ailing public services at the 2002 conference, Duncan-Smith has restored the traditional pragmatic willingness of Conservatism to respond to the problems and issues raised by voters.

In his trademark brogues and dark suit, Duncan-Smith appears a sharp contrast to the showmanship, for which Tony Blair and his spin doctors are now notorious.

In a political age dominated by television campaigning, some wonder if Duncan-Smith has the charisma to win a general election.

However, by laying the spectre of Thatcherism to rest and learning from the mistakes of William Hague, the Conservatives look like recapturing the pragmatism so

HUNGER: 14 million people are facing famine in Southern Africa Zimbabwe banned Oxfam and Save the Change.

Children from distributing urgently In Binga for example, the only needed food, because he thought they rural area to be won by the MDC in last had sided with his sworn political ene- month’s elections, 29 people have died mies – the Movement for Democratic through malnutrition in recent months.

important for electoral success

in Britain.

Speculation is rife that

Duncan-Smith will not survive

a poor result at the May coun-

cil elections.

If such speculation proves

well-founded,

then

the

Conservatives will have robbed

themselves of a pragmatic, if

uncharismatic, leader and the

Zimbabwe’s food crisis has largely been caused by Mugabe’s aggressive land reform policies.

This diminishes our sympathy and willingness to help the region as a whole.

So who will care for the 6.7 million Zimbabweans, failed by their government and by the West? Sorry mate, nothing doing.

But perhaps the most immediate reason for Western apathy is that we have plenty of our own problems to deal with, thanks very much.

If September 11 was a wake-up call for the West, the Bali bombing has further rocked our ivory tower.

Suddenly it’s harder to care about long-term, complex problems in countries we can’t even pronounce, when there’s a bogeyman loose in our own safe, well-nourished world.

Famine in Southern Africa – pass us another cliche. It’s another repeat of our Comic-Relief-fuelled image of an emaciated continent, always helpless and always without hope.

It’s not that we don’t care, we just have bigger things on our mind just now. Southern Africa and its 14 million people at risk will just have to wait.

BY DAVID SAMMELS THE Irish electorate approved a treaty last month that will change the face of the Republic and Europe — despite rejecting it eighteen months earlier.

The Nice Treaty had already been ratified in the other member states of the EU, but the Irish Constitution requires that such legislation be decided by referendum.

On a turnout of 48%, the treaty was ratified with 63% in favour.

The Irish-ruling coalition, under Premier Bertie Ahern, was severely embarrassed by this result, with governments across the EU angered by the rejection of a treaty which is seen by many as the vital next step in the European project.

The Treaty is often portrayed by the British media as only pertaining to the EU enlargement.

But although the treaty does indeed cover administrative reform, and the number of votes and representatives which new members of the Union will receive, it also touches on many key policy areas.

The treaty will remove the vetoes of many EU member states, in over 39 policy areas. This means that governments will struggle to resist decisions which they perceive as being against their interests, if they are in a minority.

There is real concern that this may sideline smaller members, with the reform of the voting structure further increasing the power of larger members. Britain will have the voting power of four out of five of the minnows within the Union.

The Treaty also allows the Union to develop a ‘two-speed’ Europe, with keener members able to press ahead in policy areas that others do not wish to deal with.

It also begins to set up the framework for defence discussions within the EU, which are likely to

party will risk slipping into the

political

obscurity that a

return to Thatcherism would

guarantee.

Ahern: embarrassed by initial result

Nice one, Berti continue the push towards greater European integration in the future.

There has been a great deal of criticism that the Irish people were coerced into this decision.

John Gormley, one of the more vocal members of the Irish “Say no to Nice” campaign stated: “There are a number of factors for this vote. There was, I think a huge guilt trip, a certain intimidation — and a lot of money as well.”

It is disgraceful that a country should have so much pressure applied on it in order to achieve a political goal.

Regardless of whether or not Nice is the one that will allow for the historic reunification of western and eastern Europe, guilt-tripping a country into changing the decision of its people is a distinctly unfair tactic. Bullying smaller nations into accepting decisions is not the way for the EU to press ahead.

Cooperation and friendship, rather than a legalistic deal-brokering network, would be the ideal future for Europe.

And it does not bode well for a Union in which larger countries have just received a boost to their voting power, and smaller nations have surrendered their right to veto.

With the development of a twospeed Europe, it may become a common occurrence that smaller countries feel pressured into following the decision of the keenest large countries in an effort to avoid being labelled as unenthusiastic.

The EU is an organisation with much potential. It should be a force for cooperation and dialogue and should welcome eastern European countries into the fold. It should be a place where each nation can feel that it has an equal seat at the table, and where every citizen can be proud to be a European.

12 COMMENT

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

YORK VISION Glitzy ceremony? I was WINNER OF 3 GUARDIAN MEDIA AWARDS

And the verdict ... eating G

W

UARDIAN editor Alan Rusbridger may be a fat and generally disappointing man, but he clearly has taste: Vision is officially the best student paper in the country (and possibly the world, since the shortlist included some rag from Dublin.)

This may come as some surprise to Ken Batten, who recently told one of our reporters: “No-one reads your paper, everybody hates it.”

It may also shock those on campus who like to dismiss Vision as 'sensationalist’ simply because we are not prepared to let rumours remain rumours.

But no-one could be as surprised as the Oxford hacks were when, just as their champagne corks were ready to pop, an independent publication, from a small campus up north, was invited to stumble up on stage and usurp Oxford Student as holders of the most prestigious title in student media.

Vision remains something of a peculiarity amongst the student press. After all, what other paper has ever been awarded Newspaper Of The Year, only to find themselves too skint to print their victory issue?

We won’t be buying ourselves a new PC on the back of our success in London. In fact we won’t even be buying ourselves so much as a new board marker — all the cash we won from The Guardian has gone into the printing of this issue.

And what other paper could receive praise from both Guardian journalists and the founder of Loaded? We value factually solid, hard hitting reporting — but we also figure there’s a fat lot of good doing the above if you can’t also offer students an enjoyable read.

But James Brown himself hit upon our essential function, when he said that Vision was clearly ‘a real pain-inthe-arse presence on campus.’ Praise indeed.

Unlike other student rags which appear, from their perfectly punctuated yet lifeless copy, to function soully as work experience factories for their career hungry members, Vision exists for all York students.

Most importantly, every issue is a product, not simply of the current team’s hard work, but of all the visionaries who have gone before.

For the truely modest take on our astounding success, however, we'll refer you to Columnist of the year Gareth Walker, who makes an impromptu return to our pages this issue. Meanwhile we've still got that long, overblown and typo-riddled acceptance speech to make....

Christine Hamilton and hubby Neil, Alberto Ramirez, and all you student drinkers who’ve been compromised by dodgy bar-roofing, thank you!

Don’t trust Admin

pile of old ones in my cupboard, tatty and yellowing as they already are, will always be – for me – a reminder of the best times of my own student life.

Compared to these memories, and the many friends I have made thanks to Vision, mediaawards – nice as they are – don’t seem all that important after all.

HAT can I say reader, but simply that I wasn’t there. Yes, while in some exclusive London night-club the nation’s media elite showered Vision with welldeserved awards, I myself remained stubbornly tucked away in a quiet corner of York.

It would be nice to say that this was some act of deliberate defiance on my part. A refusal to be dazzled by the shallow trappings of such affairs perhaps, or a belief that I was in some way too cool to lend them any countenance. The truth, alas, is a much sadder one. Life since university has not been kind. Once I had it all.

A cushy student lifestyle, money (or at least a manageable overdraft) in the bank, and most importantly my very own column within these pages: a personal soapbox from which I could tiresomely air whatever petty grievances or mundane sentiments that happened to cross my mind.

Then, without proper warning, the awful horror of graduation overtook me. Gone were those reassuringly regular student-loan instalments, while my idle spendthrift ways were no

Gareth

WALKER

longer met with the benevolent

referred to as ‘risotto’.

the allegedly rife promiscuity of

equanimity I had come to expect from parents and bank managers alike.

By necessity therefore the grim world of full-time work has claimed me, and so it was that at the very moment my – my! – name was called out and for a second the stage of media success waited for me to step into its welcoming spotlight, I was far away in a dingy Yorkshire kitchen trying to convince myself that a plate of soggy stock-cube seasoned rice could be justifiably

On reflection though this embarrassing absence from my own moment of glory was, in its own way, apt enough.

Back when I sorted through my small collection of cuttings trying to decide which – if any – were even worth submitting for an award, it was noticeable that the best pieces were invariably those where I was obliged to admit that I didn’t quite ‘get it’.

From the embarrassments of non-drug use, to bafflement at

students, it was always from something akin to the loser’s point of view that I wrote best: an attitude born of my own honest befuddlement at the many absurdities of university life.

I have no complaints however, and should my little piece of glass survive its journey through a series of London pubs and make its way up North, it will quickly take pride of place on my mantel-piece. A token – not that I need one – of four very happy years in the company of York Vision.

In fact, now that it has been recognised as the best student newspaper in Britain, it deserves to be remembered that unlike those in most other universities, Vision does not exist because a Students’ Union or any other body makes an especial effort to see that it does. It doesn’t have a sabbatical editor, and it receives only a small proportion of its funding from the YUSU. Instead Vision continues to exist, expand and bring news and entertainment to everyone on campus purely because of the collective energy and enthusiasm of its society members.

Every new issue is in its own way a labour of love; just as the

In Gareth’s absence, old-hand Smithard kindly stepped in to accept the award for him

Tom CONNOR

B

RIAN Cantor really is settling well into the Vice Chancellor’s job. His house might still be falling apart but the new empire he’s building up at York is well on course.

He’s only been in the job five minutes and he’s preparing the biggest overhaul of the University since its conception 30 years ago.

It all sounds good doesn’t it?

Accommodation for 5,000 extra students, muchneeded sports facilities and a central bar and venue.

But, haven’t we heard that before?

For as long as the University’s been around Admin have promised an SU-run bar. So many plans have seemed to be the one that would become reality, but time and again, they let down the students.

Even, the compromise on Central Hall fell through in the summer, with the University, when quizzed, denying it had ever been in the pipeline.

Can Admin be trusted to tell the truth to each successive year’s Officers before plans for Campus Three are finalised?

And, even then, the venue might not see the light of day for another 15 or 20 years. With the new campus being developed in stages, who’s to say that the bar would be a phase one priority?

Instead of vague promises to Tom Connor, the SU need firm answers and considerable input into any project NOW, before the University start getting their own ideas over what to do with a glorified conference centre that they’ll let the students use for the odd pissup.

Despite Cantor’s commendable effort to consult with students — an area where his predecessor was hopeless — its all too easy to believe the fancy charts and pictures being shown. Don’t be drawn into the University’s PR offensive and Cantor’s bid for a knighthood.

soggy rice

Top-up fees will have catastrophic effect on diversity

T

HIS week I have been mostly writing this column while watching the revamped Top Gear (not sure whether I approve, though I did like the Grannies doing doughnuts). Sadly, I can’t think of an analogy between this and the Students’ Union.

Anyway, I hope you’ve had a good start to the term.

I can’t write this column without mentioning the fact that for the first time in a number of years we had two quorate General Meetings in a row (even if one was only for about 15 minutes).

This means that on two occasions we have had over 310 students keen and willing to discuss Students’ Union policy, ensuring that their

union stays pertinent to them.

Credit must go to these students, but also to those who work so hard to ensure that those motions they want to be debated get debated.

For Week five’s UGM to be so narrowly inquorate was disappointing in the least and more so for the 280 people who turned up, only to go home again. Lets hope that the enthusiasm returns for week 7. I’ll be looking forward to seeing you all there (and you can even buy me a drink if you’re very lucky).

Such input is vital; it keeps the union relevant and up to date with the opinions of the majority of students on campus. There will always be students who disagree with our

policies (sadly we can’t please everyone) but ultimately UGMs offer a chance for EVERYONE to have an equal say and an equal vote on these important issues.

I know that the current system is not perfect and a number of students have come up and told me so. But we welcome any feedback, positive or negative, and where possible we will implement change if we can and if we feel it will bring a benefit.

It’s great to see so many students taking time to get involved with, what is after all, their Union. We currently have record numbers of students enrolled in our clubs and societies, the Mature Students’ Association presence on campus is steadily growing and we had more nomination forms received for this week’s Union and University committee elections than ever before.

T

wo weeks ago we sent a delegation down to Parliament to lobby as many MPs as we could against the threat of top-up fees that the government is expected to endorse in January. As I mentioned in my last column, this could lead to tuition fees of up to £10,000 (or more) per year at a popular university like York and will have a catastrophic

effect on the social and cultural diversity of those applying to university. YUSU believes this is wrong and consequently we will be sending as many students as we can on the NUS National Demo against fees on December 4th. We aim to show government that they cannot continue to ignore our opinions when it is us that they are supposed to represent. Tickets will be going on sale by the end of this week at a ludicrously cheap price.

O

ver the coming months you will hear more and more about the planned extension of the University towards the east of Heslington, imaginatively titled ‘Campus 3’. We will be consulting with as many students as possible on this, as if we work together and present a united front on what we want and why, it forms the basis of the best opportunity we have ever had for better sporting facilities, a bar and venue, decent shops and anything else you may be able to think of.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the next few weeks of term. And don’t forget, if you have any problems of any nature then don’t hesitate to get in contact with us… after all, that’s why we’re here in the first place.

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

COMMENT 13

Join the Front! email jamesrevfront@hotmail.com

Organ of the Central Committee of the JRF

If you have any amusing jokes please, please, please e-mail them to innuendo_nouse@hotmail.com

STUDENTS HELD HOSTAGE

BY DRAMA PRODUCTION DRAMATIC RESCUE FOR FRESHERS TRAPPED IN EXPERIMENTAL THEATRE EXPERIENCE

HAVOC rained on the Drama Barn on Friday as Special Forces undertook a mammoth hostage rescue situation to liberate several misguided freshers from a treacherous fate.

What had begun as a nice, cultural evening out at the student theatre swiftly turned sour as the eager first years realised to their horror that Everyman was in fact a philosophical diatribe on the existence of God and the harsh reality of death- and not, as previously believed, a comedy musical.

Despite having been ordered to switch off his mobile phone, one student was courageous enough to send for help and, within minutes, elite troops from the local barracks had surrounded the building and placed snipers in strategic positions in case of any escape attempts by the cast.

Basil Diamonte, a first year chemistry student, picks up the story. “We were all very

Photo News

FRESHERS BASH PRAISED FOR “EXCELLENT USE OF NEGATIVE SPACE”

GHOSTS OF PETER COOK AND JONATHAN SWIFT PROSTRATE THEMSELVES AT FEET OF OILY PALMER

scared of what was happening, but we had no idea that help had arrived until the cast began saying their lines four times as fast and gesturing like monkeys on speed,” he said. ‘‘It was then that we realised we would be forced to sit through the entire play in a condensed format of only 21 minutes!”

Fortunately, for Simon and

his fellow hostages, the Drama Barn is constructed entirely from cereal packets and unwanted editions of Nouse.

Consequently, after consulting with an expert on 14th century theatre and literature, the Special Forces decided to act.

As 60 highly trained antiterrorist troops blew a breach in the entrance wall using a can of deodorant and a match,

URY DJs blared out Las Ketchup at high volume to counteract the powerful, emotive soliloquy of a frustrated and narcissistic God. Flashbang grenades were rolled into the centre of the stage before the elite troops stormed the theatre, gunning down DramaSoc Chairperson Elis Matthews who was remonstrating with Death about his lack of sympathy for

the corrupted human condition.

Violently dragging the remaining members of the cast and production crew to armoured personnel carriers, the troops signalled to the doctors from the University Health Centre to begin tending to the liberated hostages who, though shaken by the conflicting cognitive merits of cheesy pop and experimental theatre, seemed stable on their feet.

Alas, under the undivided attention of the caring doctors, 11 of the 16 strong audience died when Toilet Duck was accidentally injected into their veins instead of adrenaline.

News of the terrible event reached Vladimir Putin only minutes later, causing him much confusion as he was heard to utter in broken English: "Who the hell are you and why do you have my phone number?"

NOUSE RISES FROM DEAD UNIVERSITY authorities were first alerted to the news when shambling figures, many apparently dressed by French Connection, were observed in the vicinity of Grimstone House early in Freshers' week.

Reports on the creatures are sketchy, as they seem to shy away from large newsworthy gatherings. Witnesses claim they act wholly without reason, moved only by a fear of fire and unnatural cravings for brains, I:Macs, and pedestrian observations about campus life.

Attacking without emotion, these zombie-like creatures have already dragged several English and history students into the ranks of the undead. Rescue stations are already filling up with

sociologists who, according to garbled statements, "thought the duck jokes were quite funny."

There is little time left before they too swell the

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MORE ARTICLES EXCLUSIVELY ONLINE AT www.YorkVision.co.uk

ranks of the flesh eaters.

Civil Defence authorities have issued guidelines that the beasts are to be exterminated on site, either by separating the brain from spinal

column or by trauma to head.

It is a tragic end for Nouse, for years the most compact source of slightly out of date news items on campus. Its death, after a prolonged wasting disease, may have come as no surprise, but its return as a carrion eater has shocked the media community.

Whilst scientists investigate a cure, Vision has identified a no strings attached gift of several thousand pounds from the university and Students’ Union that may well be responsible for the unlikely reanimation.

Union sources have stressed that the fact two of last years sabbatical officers were fucking members of the former Nouse editorial team was purely coincidental.

WOMEN ADMIT DEFEAT BATTLE OF THE SEXESIN FOLLOWING in the wake of the Estelle Morris resignation, the York SU Women’s Officers have quit, admitting that they were not able to match men in the heady world of the Students’ Union.

The Women’s Officers said “We originally stood for the post because we felt that the lefty ‘equality’ agenda of previous Womens officers did not represent us.

We envisioned a fresh, new approach, whereby we could extol the virtues of casual sex, dressing up as school

girls for the pleasure of our men folk and giving seminars on the ‘dos and don’ts’ of fellatio”. .

“We set out to prove that women could be just as scheming as men in the cut and thrust arena of student politics.

We now realise that we were wrong, and admit our inferiority on behalf of the entire female population.”

Quizzed by The Sketch regarding the dramatic resignations, Oily Palmer commented, “I have to say I am relieved. I’ve had all I can take of this ‘equality’

claptrap. After all, we men just want to see more pictures of bare titties on campus. What’s anti-women about that?

I LIKE women.

Especially their titties”.

Following this humiliating defeat, the female species will now be returning to the kitchen sink. Meanwhile, the SU has announced that the Womens Officer position will temporarily be filled by a mandrill wearing a Lady Diana commemorative mask.

The Women’s website has been replaced with a Jordan centrefold.

ystv

6pm: Slopstars – The Rivals The popular reality television show continues as the menus are finally announced for the two rival canteens of Vanbrugh and Langwith.

8pm: FILM: Metaphysical Innerspace Tonight’s Premiere sees washed up alcoholic actor, Dennis Quaid, converted into thought using a special machine, and injected into the mind of P&P officer Alec Balls. Initially confronted with only an aching, charismaless void, Dennis finds himself slowly orbiting the damp, sated faces of former Sabbs Don Juan and Jenni Khaftan, as a penis shaped paper descends into a ballot box.

Starring Martin Short as Alec Balls 11pm: Russian Fame Academy Live from the Palace of Culture Theatre, Moscow In Russia’s favourite talent show, several hundred contestants have been imprisoned in a bleak Stalin-era arts complex and forced to perform a range of humiliating entertainment routines.

Tonight, driven to a state of desperation by a punishing regime of vocal exercises and reprisal executions, five of the hostages abandon their dignity and form a lightweight pop combo.

NOTICE: The scheduled edition of Wheel of Extreme Fortune, in which John Leslie straps celebrity guests to his special revolving wheel and quizzes them on a range of subjects whilst teasing them with an array of implements including whips, gags, batons and his own engorged cock, has been cancelled. In its place YSTV will be broadcasting a revised show hosted by Angus Deayton and three leather-clad dominatrices.

Facing a mouth full of latex dong tonight: Jamie Theakston.

News in brief WAR UPDATE YORK Students Against the War celebrate their first annual 'Wank-In'. Last Tuesday saw 320 students gather in central Hall.

Amidst undivided trouser dropping, they proceeded vigorously to beat themselves to climax. "There was not a dry mimsy in the house," said a SAW rep, knee deep in coital mucus.

FRESH “SO we lost a fuckload of money on a mediocre event whilst all my mates got in for free? If you think that's so unreasonable then why don't you come up here and try me?” SU P&P Officer Alec Balls ‘offers out’ entire

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

FEATURES 14

VIETNAM: IN SEARCH OF THE RISING DRAGON Her parents fled Vietnam in 1963 and vowed never to return, yet Thu-Anh Mac decided to visit her country of origin, in what was to become a difficult voyage of self discovery.

Vietnam You took my breath away; Come and whisper to me Your many secrets Those many summer nights You seduced me, Your soft warm sighs Leaving ripples through the land Only to let loose A fearsome glory from the skies; A fierce rain That strangely excites and calms Shoo-ting fire through my soul O mysterious unvanquished queen: What was it in you That took from me The power of speech?

Let me honour your name And join the ancient race of warriors In the homeland

D

eciding to go to Vietnam was a difficult decision that took me over a year to make. How would I find Vietnam? Would it be the same Vietnam that my parents described when they fled the country twenty-three years ago as one of the boat-people? I decided that the best way to find out would be to go there myself, the first journey to the country of my roots.

Yet nothing prepared me for Vietnam; not the guidebooks or photos, nor friends and family's descriptions. It was a country that had to be experienced in its multitude of contradictory and contrasting settings.

I soon found Vietnam to be a multifacetted gem, yielding up on every side a richness of culture, history and beauty.

Hanoi, Saigon, Hue, Danang and Halong Bay - my eight weeks in Vietnam saw me travelling through a land steeped in a history of repelling invaders, most famously so during the 1970s against the USA. Vietnam has always been portrayed as a war torn country, yet modernday Vietnam is one that confounds all stereotypes. Scenes of both rural and urban poverty sit uncomfortably against

those of the rising Vietnamese middleclass.

Homecoming: Thu-Anh samples the bright lights of Saigon.

Whilst more and more of Vietnam's staring into a mirror- I was gazing youth are travelling abroad for their upon what I could have been if my education, they are the lucky few. parents had never come to England Many students such as Nguyen Thi Before I arrived I had entertained Tuyet say travel of any kind within or childish ideas of merging into the popoutside Vietnam is a cruel dream. ulation. It quickly became apparent Tuyet, a twenty year old girl I met, that this would be physically impossileft her life in the country to move ble. At over five foot six inches, I litto Hanoi, in the hope that living in erally towered over everyone else - the the city would give her more opportuni- general populace are five foot three ties. inches or under. Even wearing flat san'I study English at the university dals did nothing to help. For the first here,' she told me in almost perfect time in my life I felt like a giant, and a fluent English. clumsy one at that.

'It is my dream to leave Vietnam and My faltering Vietnamese, if not my go to the West where there are better physical stature, quickly gave me away opportunities. But no matter how hard I work it is impossible.'

Tranquility: life on the Without money it is difficult to study abroad: 'You must either Mekong. be rich or very clever,' Tuyet said sadly, 'but usually you must be both. Only then do you have a chance.'

Tuyet, through her part-time job at a nearby tourist art shop makes a monthly wage to the equivalent of thirty English pounds.

'It is enough to survive on,' she said 'but it is not enough to save towards an air-ticket.' Paradoxically, airfares are more expensive to purchase in Vietnam than in the West, and it would take Tuyet a lifetime to save up enough money to go abroad.

Tuyet's case left me feeling acutely conscious of my own 'lucky' situation. How things could have turned out if she and I had changed places at birth. It was like as an 'alien', as did my western clothes.

However, the longer I stayed in Vietnam, the more comfortable I felt, protected by a ring of Vietnamese The Western method friends I had made who took me out to the local places. of packaging animals My Vietnamese improved, and at one point when I shed my jeans and has not yet arrived in t-shirt for the more casual clothes of the Vietnamese (that bear an uncanny resemblance to pyjamas in the West), I Vietnam’s markets... soon found myself 'passing' for a local.

No longer was I greeted with overI came across 'dog' enthusiastic welcomes in the shops, but treated with a more general indifference or ignored altogether. de-haired and I fell ill three times during my stay.

Yet though many foods in Vietnam quartered were alien to me, I came to celebrate them as part and parcel of that food culture that is unique to my 'homeland.'

In Hanoi I happened to stumble across a street market in all its glory.

The sounds and smells of a Vietnamese food market were fascinating (though it left my stomach churning at points).

The Western method of slaughtering animals and packaging them in a visually (and psychologically) acceptable way to the consumer is one that thankfully has not yet arrived in Vietnam.

Wandering adventurously around the stalls I came across 'dog' - dehaired and quartered- whilst live chickens were on sale, allowing me to inspect the choicest contender for my hotpot. Where would I have had such an opportunity in England? I could have had a live chicken for the equivalent of a British Pound.

However, given my ingrained westernized ideas.of viewing animals as potential pets, it was hard for me to view dog or cat meat in an objective way. I comforted myself with the fact that to taste such things would be against the wishes of my father (who is Buddhist and whose religion forbids the eating of dog) and that would be the defence I would hold up if anyone

The hectic pace of life in Saigon.

asked.

Traffic was one of the biggest culture shocks I found in Vietnam, especially in Ho Chi Minh City. Biking during rushhour was a dangerous, yet exhilarating, experience. I narrowly missed colliding with a scooter twice.

The thing about traffic in Vietnam is that it is so unpredictable. Cyclists, and those travelling on scooters, travel at their own speed on either side of the road. Apparently over 7000 people died on Vietnam's roads last year- not surprisingly as there are no speed restrictions, no helmets and no pedestrian crossings.

Much of my two-month stay was spent in the capital Hanoi. Hanoi's boulevards and villas, a direct throw back from the French colonial past,

gave the city an air of old refinement.

With its many lakes and historical buildings,not least the Mausoleum of the national hero Ho Chi Minh, the capital city of Vietnam carries an air of grandeur about it.

The relaxed pace of life in Hanoi differs greatly to Ho Chi Minh City in the South. One of the things that immediately struck me about Ho Chi Minh City was how modern it was.

With its bright neon lights, designer department stores and upmarket eateries, it could easily have passed as a modern European city.

I was surprised to find that fashion in Vietnam was very westernized. Girls in high heels and trendy dresses were the norm, and I felt positively dowdy in comparison. At night, the equivalent of an Italian passeggiatta on wheels takes place when young couples and teens cruise the city. It's hard to beat the feeling of riding a scooter in the night air with the fresh wind blowing against your face on a summer's evening.

The memories of sipping fresh mango smoothies and munching coconut ice-cream in a café overlooking the West Lake remain with me long into the English Winter. Vietnam left me in a state of bewilderment but with a vague sense of pride. I dedicate the above poem to my family, friends, and my country of origin - Vietnam.

To celebrate the launch of their new Longer Lasting Formula, Lynx are offering you the chance to

Win a fantastic Sony CD Walkman and a runner up prize of £20 Virgin vouchers!

To enter, answer the following question:

How long does the new Lynx deodorant last?

Answers to: yorklynx@hotmail.com

(The deadline for entries is Nov 22nd ‘02)

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

FEATURES 15

All out of love? The course of true love never did run smooth at university, according to Kate Edwards and Helen McLennan

LONELY HEARTS O

ne of the great things about York University is that it attracts people from all over the UK, and indeed, from all over the world. But while the regional differences between the Northerners and the Southerners provides cheeky banter between friends, how does such opposition work in a relationship?

This is a question that I and many of my friends have been forced to ask ourselves, as our time at university has led us to partners that seem to be from another world.

‘Opposite’ pairings I kno, regularly pander to stereotypes, and it always starts with nicknames. The townies see their other halfs as inbred, farmer types, who enjoy a close relationship with sheep. While the country folk see city life as an orange glow on the horizon and uphold the myth that in such a world, grass is an unknown entity.

Pronunciation provides the commonest focus of ridicule, but it is the different usage of the same words that generally leads to the most chaos. Planning dates can become hazardous when confusion occurs over the labelling of mealtimes.

Breakfast perhaps is the least ambiguous (especially if the invitation is issued the night before). But when lunch, dinner, tea and supper are all thrown into the equation, the time that you are supposed to meet and eat becomes utterly baffling.

Problems really arise however when meeting the parents. Not only do you have to present yourself as the perfect partner for their precious offspring; nice, polite and with no dodgy fetishes. But if your other half is of northern origin, it is also imperative

all, they do say opposites attract. am perched for the first time on the edge of my creaking Wentworth College bed and I have a vague aching feeling that I’ve forgotten something. Actually, the feeling’s not vague at all, it’s a fierce relentless stabbing.

Condoms? Check. Reading list?

Check. Granny’s homebaked chocolate brownies? Check.

Shit. Forgot the boyfriend. (I’d love to say you can buy yourself a new one at the SU shop, but it wouldn’t be true. But then you can’t buy condoms, reading lists or edible food there either.)

I thought I’d be the only one in Freshers Week to be without my other half. But as it turned out, there seemed to be very few people who weren’t also suffering. It’s this season’s fashion accessory, daarrrling! Forget the burberry scarf, you’ll never be anyone at York without a broken heart!

Sod making it to my preliminary seminars on time, and sod making friends in the bar, all I cared about was being so very far away from my man.

Not wishing to wax lyrical about how to survive love across the barricades of time and Railtrack, I will just say this. It was wicked.

You see, between Monday and Friday you’re free to groove it up in town with all your new buds. And there’s no obligation to pamper the fraying ego of your other half or mop up their sick the following morning.

And the weekend is your time for lurvin’. Every relationship needs the odd obstacle to overcome. Blatantly, without a family feud, Romeo and Juliet would just have had a quick snog and gone back to the dancefloor.

Admittedly, you will need a pair of blinkers to take to your lectures, so that when that Jude Law look-a-like sits next to you for the third week running, you can pretend not to notice.

And then there’s that tiny little thing called trust. But there’s no point worrying. Just sit back and enjoy thinking about all that phone sex you’ll be having.

I I miss my (long-di tance) bosmuch... yf. so

that you learn a new language in order to interpret the thick accent when the interrogation begins. At the other end of the scale, a meeting with southern parents can seem more intimidating than tea with the Queen.

Above all, while dating an ‘opposite’ can provide endless ways to wind one another up, it also opens up a whole new world to discover and explore. So while I claim that my rural lad must go to bed when it gets dark, due to the lack of electricity in his neck of the woods, I am also overwhelmed at seeing for the first time crisp, white snow, blanketing the Yorkshire Moors.

A far cry from the brown slush that usually lines my London streets.

And while he complains that he can’t breath when he comes to the ‘big smoke’, I know that he is really impressed with the bright lights, enormous buildings and diversity of city life that I am able to reveal to him.

So while we wouldn’t trade places, we can at least enjoy different perspectives on life through each other. After

Then again...wh wrong with ke at’s ing your optioneps

Without a family

feud, Romeo and Juliet would just have had a

quick snog and then gone back to the dancefloor.

GOING OVER TO THE DARK SIDE

An identity crisis of epic proportions, or a form of self expression? Simon Taghioff and Gemma Warren debate the merits of Goth culture.

F

estooned with accessories more suited to rottweilers than people, and with about as much visible charm, Goths are instantly recognisable.

They are tormented by the futility of their own existence and, rather like the tortured artist, creativity is somewhat thin on the ground. Henry Ford would have been proud.

The reasons behind the counter-culture are understandable. When teenagers, living in a highly stratified and intolerant society founded upon mass conformity, make the inevitable realisation that they are just like everyone else, they lose their sense of identity.

To regain it, they must visibly differentiate themselves from the rest of society.

This original philosophy is no more.

What began as a cornucopia of creativity and rebellion against the status quo has now become a shallow fashion exercise.

Goth has undergone a rapid commercialisation, ripe for exploitation by all manner of people. The image is a powerful one, instantly attractive to the outsider. What these jaded iconoclasts fail to realise is that they are just another captive audience for the t-shirt vendors and record labels.

A movement which founded itself upon individuality is now just another social group, providing just another set of standards to conform to.

If these modern Goths were truly genuine, would there really be a necessity for the blatant exhibitionism and the constant need to reaffirm their identity by demonstrating to the world that white makeup and black lipstick really do go together?

It also lacks the benignity of other collectives. In living up to the image, there is the omnipresent danger of being consumed by it, and really

Goth is the counter culture to common society; a case of removing the colour from everyday life

becoming a perpetually depressed, social outcast.

Surely this is a 'lifestyle choice' or, for the more cynical reader, a teenage phase just like any other? No; if the ideal is individuality, the pre-occupation with image that Goth has become cannot be anything but hypocrisy.

G

othic subculture has for many years seemed to both enthral and repel the media and the general public.

Yet Gothic fashion certainly 'inspires' many top designers and every now and then, goth will become fashionable, leading to a plethora of cheap black corsets and long flowing skirts to be found in high street shops, before disappearing off into obscurity by the start of next season.

This commercialised output has next to nothing to do with Goths themselves, with most preferring to visit either charity shops or buy from alternatively orientated clothing stores, when they are not making their own clothes.

Nor can Goth be said to be a single unified style. It stretches from the more traditional medieval or Victorian

corsets and dresses to futuristic (and frequently colourful!) cyber wear and everything in between.

Though there is a certain amount of commercialisation, this comes mainly in the form of band hoodies and t-shirts- frequently sported by identical looking groups of pre-pubescent schoolchildren, clad in trousers as wide as they are tall. They are generally not considered to be Goths and it is a shame that the subculture as a whole gets blamed and discriminated against due to their actions.

Despite the widely prevailing stereotype, Goths are not constantly depressed and many will be some of the perkiest people you will meet, albeit with slightly unconventional senses of humour.

The culture is not built upon depression but upon acceptance, no matter what your background, gender or sexual orientation. And despite the image of chains, spikes and leather, most Goths are pacifistic and will have been

on the receiving end of violence in the vast majority of cases.

True, many Goths are attentionseeking, deliberately setting out to be 'different' and non-conformist. But if goth is truly all in the attitude, then this is one of non-violence and acceptance, a true danger to society.

If such arguments fail to convince, I must say I am far from disappointed.

After all, there is no greater compliment to a goth than to be misunderstood.

16 FEATURES

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

ADRIAN

YORK VISION 12/11/02

BUTLER

He produces ‘superhumans’, dissects the dead, and exhibits his creations in London galleries. Vision enters the strange and macabre world of anatomy expert, Professor Gunter von Hagens.

P

rofessor Gunter von Hagens isn't happy with his genitals. They get in the way when he's playing sport. "If you look at footballers when they go for a free kick, they have to put their hands in front of them," he informs me.

But, unlike more common penis gripes, miracle solutions to this problem aren't to be found cluttering up your Hotmail Inbox.

So what's to be done if you're an anatomy expert?

Simple. (Take a deep breath.) Cut up the genitalia of corpses and use them to create a new variation on the classic design; this time making the penis and balls fully retractable.

Exhibit this customised package to show what scientists will be able to achieve in the future with genetic engineering.

It may sound unbelievable, but the professor is perfectly serious. And he's after volunteers: at the moment, he's looking for someone with a terminal disease to sign up their body. After passing away, they'll be plastinated - a term invented by von Hagens; all their bodily fluids will be boiled out and rubbery plastic will be sucked in to fill the vacuum. They do it in China - he's speaking to me from an office there.

The result? A corpse that can be posed like an action figure - and cut up without any mess.

Under von Hagens's knife, their bodies will be improved, so they need never fear an aggressive star striker again. (Or at least no more than any other dead person need fear an aggressive star striker, depending on your perspective.)

If you don't have a penis, don't feel left out - women have a separate set of modifications: Von Hagens wants to put your prostate gland behind your urethra and shrink your breasts.

And there are a whole list of unisex changes in the pipeline: a second heart, more ribs and an organ that tells you how to find your way home. The professor acknowledges that the inspiration for that last one came from the pigeon.

"We need to look at the animal kingdom to get ideas. People need to be more openminded about what can be done."

So, he believes the human body is basically flawed?

"I don't believe it, it's a fact. We have a long evolution behind us, and this has led to lots of things we don't need any more."

These ideas for anatomical change have become an obsession for von Hagens.

"I come up with new ideas every day, and I talk to my friends, who are surgeons, about them."

When he finds his star and gets the chance to put these ideas into practice, we’ll all know about it: the whole process will be filmed and shown on TV. Mentorn, the production company behind the project, have billed it as "the ultimate makeover show". Admittedly, a second heart does beat some new lip gloss and a fancy haircut.

The idea has already shocked the critics, being branded as "sick ratings chasing" and "scraping the bottom of the barrel" by a TV standards group.

What struck me as controversial on the press release was the description of the corpse following its treatment (or in the "after"

The experience of seeing 27 corpses, cut up skinned, rearranged and hung from the ceiling, is difficult to convey. shot in makeover terms) as a "superhuman". I ask von Hagens if he plans to make any cosmetic changes to the body as well as functional ones. There is a pause.

"Perhaps more lateral eyes. Or perhaps a third eye, although it would have to be concealed somehow. And also larger heads, like babies. It's cosy, it's very nice."

In reality, the series is no less controversial than what von Hagens has been doing since he plastinated his first whole corpse in 1990.

The man was a friend, and it was his idea.

"He always used to visit, and brought toys with him for the children. He persuaded me to plastinate him after he died from lung cancer in 1987. He understood better than I did the effect seeing him would have on people. 10%

Quality house and funky grooves DJs Friday and Sunday nights Ask at bar for student discounts and offers Well-priced, quality bar food

of people smoke less after they've seen his lungs."

The man joins 26 other corpses in Bodyworlds, an exhibition which opened in Britain in April. Housed in Brick Lane, East London, a street famous for its curry houses (why not combine the two for a date?), the exhibition has just been extended until December.

The experience of seeing 27 corpses, cut up, skinned, rearranged and hung from the ceiling is difficult to convey. It's hard to describe the curious wording of the signs, the humour which you can't identify as intentional or not, or the way the bodies are posed in an outrageously showbiz way, without using the word "German" as an adjective.

Von Hagens himself admits that parts of it are a bit "Hollywood" (the skinned corpse riding a skinned horse corpse comes to mind), but that he is only showing bodies in living circumstances.

‘Here it is according to real life." And real life's set to get raunchier.

Von Hagens told me his dream: "One day I will realise the act of love. It has been the aim of so many people, like Leonardo da Vinci. I will do it for educational purposes, and in such a way that parents can show their children."

Even if the professor manages this, it still wouldn't cause as much of a stir as the prebirth section of Bodyworlds. When I was at the exhibition, a lot of people were suprised at how much detail there was at an early age.

A pregnant woman, half-skinned, with her foetus inside her, proved really shocking. Did he ever consider censoring the exhibition?

"If I did that, I would be breaking hundreds of years of medical tradition. As a physician, I believe it is important to discuss abortion very early. So we must see what we're discussing."

For such graphic stuff, it's surprising that 50% of what was exhibited in Germany isn't on show here. Curiously, given some of von Hagen's earlier ideas, this includes someone with an extra eye on their forehead. Also hidden away was a dwarf: "it looked creepy. It had tiny limbs and very big eyes."

We'll have to wait and see what the result of von Hagens's TV makeover looks like, but rest assured he'll put it on show - perhaps lining up for a free kick, hands smugly on hips.

HAND JOB: Professor Gunter von Hagens inspects one of his creations

18 FEATURES

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

STUDENT STUDENT STUNNERS STUNNERS 2 0 0 2 - 2 0 0 3

To enter you or your friend in Vision’s Student Stunners competition, email a picture (or we can take it for you) and a short blurb, including specs, to editor@vision.york.ac.uk

Entrant: Ally Richards D.O.B.: 08-12-1981 Hair: Brown Eyes: Green Vital Statistics: 34, 25, 34 Occupation: Student and part-time sex goddess College: James Course: 3rd year English Likes: G+T, George Clooney, and Tuesday Toffage.

Dislikes: Arrogance, 9.15 lectures, and men who think it's OK to keep their socks on.

“W

e found Ally in the library, but we're assured this is a rare occurrence.

Being something of a nocturnal creature, this Gallic, aristocratic beauty prefers to wile away the library opening hours in bed.

Ally is a mistress of the Web, and her interests include building and maintaining her own website, at www.geocities.com/allyrichards_2000/alithongs_ page.html which is well worth a look!

In fact, the talents of this South Bank hottie are seemingly endless: she writes poetry and songs, ballet keeps her flexible, and what's more chaps, she's never happier than when

REVOLTING TENDENCIES Students were once infamous for being one of the most sectors of the population, yet the SU now struggle to student population to UGMs. Charlotte Mackay explores politics and questions the credibility of the student

A

s students, we have licence to discuss why belly button fluff is always blue, to eat left over pizza in front of breakfast TV, and to fall down the stairs at Ziggys at least once a term. Such is student life.

Apathy is what we do best.

But the evolutionary process has been one fraught with danger.

Until recently, students were known as one

Last term’s Heslington Hall Sit-In against the phasing out of 24 hour portering. Evidence that students do in fact care, or merely a cheap publicity stunt?

of the more politically active sectors of the population. Nowadays, any type of activity, political or otherwise, is likely to send us over the edge.

Instead of planning protests and putting the world to rights, we are most likely to be found drinking bottles of Lambrini and discussing the latest episode of PopStars.

What went wrong? Many would say, nothing. The political apathy of students can be traced back to a general trend in society in which turnouts for election polls are reaching all time lows. In the last general election, only one third of all 18-24 year olds made use of their vote.

The nation has less time and inclination to interest itself in national politics. Many would argue that action makes no difference.

Disillusionment certainly plays a large role in the current lack of student politics.

Why should Joe Fresher bother turning up to a UGM which is covering a variety of issues, none of which seem to have little direct effect on his life? And why vote on a whole host of motions which are unlikely

she's down the pub with a pint and 20 Marlboro' Lights.

Nothing has changed since Ally was spotted at the Clothes Show last year.Ally says, 'I don't really bother with a fitness regime, getting down in Toffs is enough exercise for one week!'

I finally thought I'd found an incentive to visit the JB Morrell more often, but it seems that Toffs is more likely to bear fruit of the Miss Richards variety.

I wouldn't hedge your bets, though, fellas. As one bloke commented last week, “you've probably got more chance of flying to the moon on a baked potato!”

(Ally Richards was nominated by Pete Stenning)

Getting political: students from around the country protest about student debt

politically active attract 4% of York’s the issue of student voice in Britain today.

actually to change the status quo?

One of the accusations constantly levelled at the SU concerns the apparent irrelevance of many of its attitudes and policies. And, indeed, concerns have been raised over the need for surgical procedures to remove certain heads from certain proverbial arses. Very few students appreciate the actual role of the SU. Yet if used properly, it could be a very effective machine.

In a world of increasingly rapid communication and technology, students are used to, and crave, direct action. Why read the course book for the seminar when you can read the synopsis on the back cover?

TV shows such as Big Brother work on the same premise. One phone call can actually make all the difference, and the result is almost instantaneous. No surprise, then, that the last series of Big Brother and Pop Idol netted almost 31 million votes between them.

Last term’s protest at Heslington Hall in support of 24 hour portering highlighted this issue all too clearly.

The protest was perhaps more important in showing the university that students were still able to get out of bed without the threat of exams or the promise of 'Doctors', than in the con crete objectives which it actually

achieved.

Students seem to have become less politically active and aware because the issues discussed have come to affect them less.

It is perhaps telling that the only issues that have moved students to a mild state of agitation recently, other than the loss of Richard and Judy in the morning, have been those involving the legalisation of cannabis and the introduction of tuition fees.

Call us self interested, but in a world of increasing uncertainty it seems only fair that we look after number one.

Perhaps we have just lost the naïve idealism of the 60s. The ideals of the 'ban the bomb' campaign seem ironic as we face the prospect of war in the Middle East, and we now completely miss the point of the once controversial criminal justice bill.

Along with John Lennon and platform heels, at the end of the sixties we seem to have lost the will to care.

Yet, there may be a hazy light at the end of the tunnel. The atrocities of September 11th and the warmongering of Bush has forced students, and the population at large, to take stock

of their world. We have been shocked, at least momentarily, into regaining something of a political conscience.

Last week’s EGM on the subject of the war in Iraq, revealingly, was the only quorate SU meeting of this term.

Perhaps we are simply a more discerning population these days, more likely to pick and choose specific areas which matter to us- and the state of Goodricke C Block may matter more to us than any wider world issues.

Whether we are members of Amnesty Soc, the Socialist Worker Soc, Students Against the War, or Wine Soc, students do, and must continue to, use their voice as a sector of the population with so much potential to instigate change. If only we could

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

Chillout Session T

he Reiki is an ancient Japanese 'hands-on healing system' for mind body and soul, which supposedly works by channelling energy through the body to release stress and tension, and bring about a sense of well-being.

This is achieved through a Reiki therapist placing their hands on various parts of the body for 3-5 minutes (but don't get excited male freshers - it's a fully clothed treatment).

I have to admit that when I first heard all this and was asked to try a treatment, I couldn't help thinking of matted-haired hippies worshipping obscure gods.

But perhaps I was too quick to judge; the therapist I met was very friendly and normal and there were no gods involved at all (as far as I know).

If you're like me and were always the one to move first during play dead, the prospect of having to remain perfectly still for up to 5 minutes at a time seems terrifying.

However, when I arrived for the treatment the calm vibes of the room were enough to set my mind at rest.

Draped with fairy lights and smell-

ing faintly of something related to flowers, it seemed like the perfect place to lie down on a comfy-looking bed and cover myself with a fluffy blanket. Plinky-plunky background music served to cut me off completely from my cynicism. That’s the last thing I actually remember.

Next thing I knew I was being woken up, having spent an hour completely asleep (and having a strange dream about fighting over a blanket with a cat). I woke up feeling like I wanted to snuggle up and go back to sleep, which is weird considering I was in someone else's bed.

The whole thing was a bit foreign to me but I can't deny that I

woke up having had the most peaceful sleep in a while. Having arrived

Plinky-plunky back ground music

served to cut me off

LIFESTYLE 19

in a foul mood (it was cold and I got lost on the way), I came out feeling like a little fuzzy bear just out of hibernation. My happy, snuggly mood lasted for the rest of the evening.

I'm still not convinced by the whole spiritual cleansing malarkey. I haven’t felt a noticeable difference in the state of my aura (perhaps this is a symptom of a rookie Reiki customer) but an evening of relaxation was definitely much appreciated.

If you’re suffering from the winter blues or even just in need of a little R & R, the Reiki’s a good place to start.

Cost: £15 / 60 mins (£18 non-NUS) £18 / 90 mins (£21 non-NUS) Contact: Cordelia Brabbs 01904-426714 / 07712114731 reiki77@hotmail.com

completely from my cynicism.

in the Men’s? ’ or the pee puddles es di ..

La e th to es eu the qu great toilet debate.. ng e ci th Fa in ? s er xe tt se be r ’s ei at th Wh t for Ravenscroft speak ou Cat Milner and James

S

Flat, high suede boots.

Kate Moss, we salute you. Although they are probably the most impractical footwear choice possible on a campus permanently soaked in goose poo, there is just no escaping the fact that these look fabulous. I don't care if York University is the mud capital of the North. Buy some, buy some now.

Darius.

Please don't e-mail and tell me I'm wrong because frankly, I don't care what you think. He writes his own songs and strums a guitar and

To Pee, or Not to Pee? you've eventually got inside the club, having conquered the coat queue, and having battled to the bar, when that sneaking suspicion you've been ignoring morphs into full scale bodily demand... Desperate for the toilet!

Before your self-resolve crumbles, remember - there is always a choice.

Option one - Stay true to your gender. Being female involves enduring various natural design defects, including childbirth and the need for a toilet seat.

In York, the latter is a particular problem. Not ordinarily an unfair demand you might think, but here you're better off calling a cab and going home to pee.

We girls spend literally hours contemplating whether bladders can actually explode, and whether we've missed out on some vital “time consuming activities to be performed in the toilet queue” guide to life.

Option two - A desperate bid to resolve the imbalance of the sexes.

Under the evil eye of those choosing option one, you may decide that the lure of the queue-free boys' bog is too strong (despite their hygiene issues).

Be prepared to face the 'completely unjustified' wrath of the bouncers if caught in the act… It's a long walk home alone from Toff's you know.

Let's face it, neither option is appealing. It's a choice between wasting valuable drinking/dancing time and facing the stinking hole that is the blokes' loo.

I'm forced to admit there is one justification for beer being seen as a mans drink. My advice? Stick to

Half

everything. Post hair-cut, this man is a god and, as my future husband, commands your respect.

Well, someone's gotta love him.

T

o,

his is a nonissue.

Queuing for the toilets is an obscure idea for us.

There are always plenty of urinals (or sinks). We don't take forever either; we don't like spending time in the toilet. It smells worse than a tramp's pants and standing in front of a urinal, carefully avoiding other peoples' over-enthusiastic spills, brings me no pleasure - quite the opposite.

How girls can spend so long in the toilets is one of life's mysteries, one many of us have tried to work out in the endless hours of waiting for them. I have two theories- gossip and hygiene.

Firstly, girls like to talk and will do so anywhere, even in a toilet.

We blokes are less happy to stand and talk to complete strangers, pissing with one hand and simultaneously trying to hold a conversation.

As such we are limited to short tabloid-inspired comments on girls, beer or sport.

Secondly, the truth is that most men don't wash their hands (eurgh, yuck, grim etc). This saves a lot more time than you might think (no waiting around for a hand-drier).

More acceptably we don't preen ourselves as much as you lot. As the, er, job nears completion, we fall to the craving to get out of there as quickly as possible.

We might not have to queue for our toilets but then we do get a bad deal on facilities. I don't know a single girl who would be happy to visit a loo with pee puddles on the floor.

In actual fact, I think many blokes would rather queue. What a quagmire.

WICKED

Vox Pops

"Wicked" is a fantastic 70s throwback of a word, getting many plus points for its retro cool. Although you used to say "wicked" back when you were twelve, it sounds cooler now than it did then. Like a fine wine, "wicked" gets better with age.

BRILL

If "wicked" is a nice ruby cabernet, "brill" is the cheap, hangover-inducing plonk of the word world. "Brill" is naff the linguistic equivalent of a tragic mid-80s shellsuit in pearlescent fuchsia. Use it at your peril.

Half Gareth Gates.

That hair. That whiney highpitched squeal he has the audacity to refer to as a 'singing voice'. That cover of 'Suspicious Minds'.

Uncool, unnecessary, unbearable.

Drainpipe Jeans.

Last time I checked, the fashion police put these on death row after Dynasty was axed.

Amazingly, some miscarriage of justice has taken place and they have been granted a reprieve.

Only the super-skinny look anywhere near good in these so if you intend to eat at all this winter, don't even think about it. Come back the bootleg, all is forgiven.

(Laura Starkey)

20 FOOD AND DRINK

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

ONE ALE OF A PISS-

YORK BREWERY, founded in 1996 on Toft Green, has ensured that York will never have a beer shortage. The Food and Drink team sup the local ales.

{ Risk the bite and try this beauty | Yorkshire Terrier 4.2% ABV TERRIER has a lovely refreshing aroma of fresh cut grass. Although at first very bitter, the hops cut through to give a lively, lush green taste. One drop and you want more.

Do not be fooled though. It’s bite is worse than it’s bark. This yappy little sod has a harsh, cutting aftertaste. However, this is exactly why I liked this beer so much.

Rather than being simply an above average bitter which tasted nice, it gave you something to remember, fear or love.

If you can handle the Terrier leaping out at you and are willing to risk the bite, then look no further than this beauty. If not, you’re a big girl and should just go home a n d drink your can of pissy lager.

YORK BREWERY SAY: A Premium bitter with a rich, creamy malt and full hop palate finish.

WE SAY: yummy, hoppy, fresh and a little bit naughty. ooh!

York Bitter 4.0% ABV SEE Stonewall. But with added water.

Tastes like the bar wanted to save money so poured some tap water onto the top.

The result being a rather bland, tasteless and mediocre beer. I found this bitter to have a peculiar armpit aroma and unpleasant fizz on the tongue.

York has a distinctly musty palate and really is quite nasty.

However, i f you don't really like bitter a n d want to start on the more mild stuff, this could be a good starting point- the beginners bitter or something.

Plus from then on, anything will taste good.

YORK BREWERY SAY: Malt and Hops is well balanced leading to a full bitter flavour and pleasant aftertaste.

WE SAY: Bland, musty, tastes a bit like sweaty balls, erm, *apparently*.

{You’ll be swung

by seductive comCenturion’s Ghost Ale 5.4% DARK, silky and sexy. This pint really looks the part - rich, dark and sultry.

To give you an idea of the flavour, think Yorkshire Guiness. But Ghost is creamy and moorish rather than bitter and burnt.

Even those who doubted it, claiming not to drink ‘dark ales’, could not help being swung by it’s seductive comfort.

But don’t be too lulled- remember the wopping 5.4%.

This dark ale has recently won shed loads of awards, so no-one can dispute it’s greatness. If they do they’ll have us to deal with.

YORK BREWERY SAY: A warming, dark bitter ale, with a roasted malted taste.

V e r y easy to drink for i t ’ s strength.

WE SAY: velvet pants and silk stockings, meow.

It’s gorgeous, and it gets you drunk.

{ Bland, tasteless and mediocre|

PUB OF THE WEEK Rook and Gaskill, Lawrence Street

NAMED after the last two men to be hung in York (for stealing 14 sheep), this new addition to the Laurence Street locals was formerly known as The Queen.

No longer is this watering hole, well, a hole. It has new management and new rules.

The outside does look intimidating, but fear not- inside you will find a friendly, warm atmosphere and, more importantly, probably the best selection of beer York.

I doubt they serve much else, but with the selection and prices on offer here, there should be some-

thing to suit every taste. Indeed the Rook and Gaskill is a treasure trove for the real ale connoisseur — twelve cask ales on offer all year round, and a huge range of European Bottled beers.

A treasure trove for the real ale connoisseur — 12 cask ales all year

The decor is traditional- none of your fancy chrome here. Solid chairs, comfy benches, good wholesome interior. Do check out the bizarre garage conversion, which doubles as a beer garden. Not sure about that really, but nevertheless a good use of space.

The staff are pleasant, and can talk you through the beers if you don’t know where to start. Other than that, proper pub grub is served daily at student friendly prices.

Oh, and there’s no pool, no machines, no kids and no music glad we got that cleared up.

Stonewall 3.7% ABV AFTER tasting the terrier this seemed tame, very tame. Some would call it smooth, others bland. Having said all of that, I really loved the first sip and can understand why it is so popular.

Stonewall’s malty character is a traditional Yorkshire real ale dream.

Whatever it lacks in taste or bite, it does have an assured smoothness which puts Barry White to shame. On the other hand, however sexy Barry White is, Stonewall has no sex appeal whatsoever. This is an old man's drink, a beer for beards, and probably the favorite of Morris Men everywhere.

YORK BREWERY SAY: A smooth, creamy, session bitter with full malt character and hop undertones.

WE SAY: Drinking this may attract Morris Men. If you’re ok with that, grab a beer and a beard and join in. If not run.

{ A beer for beards, an old man’s

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

VISION REVIEWS

MUSIC 21

p24 Harry Potter 2 Hog-warts and all

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p27 Drama soc strip down to the Bare Necessities

How to... ‘drive a man wild in bed’

In it for the ’grass

James Kelly meets up with the all conquering Supergrass to talk about being in vogue, life as a cartoon and long lost Britpop bands.

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ales of being asked to model Y-fronts for Calvin Klein. Rumours of being offered the chance to make a cartoon like The Jacksons.

Sideburns that are wispy enough for an extra in ‘Emmerdale’. Whatever the tale, the paper-trail inevitably leads to the door of Supergrass.

No longer the young whipper-snappers of yester-year’s ‘I Should Coco’, they have matured steadily to their fourth album ‘Life On Other Planets’.

And it is at this juncture that I meet up with Mick Quinn, the one who makes Supergrass look kind of odd and the band’s bassist and sometime vocalist, on their current tour to promote the album. And he doesn’t seem too keen that the band are sometimes known for the myths surrounding them rather than the music.

“It’s impossible to work out what they’re on about sometimes,” muses Mick, presumably not thinking of the fairly obvious bush-whacking ‘burns stuck on the side of his band mates’ faces. “I just know that we’re right in the middle of touring and really enjoying play-

ing gigs. We can see a lot of people turning up and just having a really good time.”

“When I was growing up and going to see bands, I enjoyed going to see them more than finding out what their favourite colour was. It didn’t really interest me – who they were as people was really a sideline. I was much more interested in going to see what they had to play or say in their songs.”

Such an anti-crap view really isn’t that surprising when you consider that Supergrass have lasted longer than any trend or fad. For example, ‘I Should Coco’, the band’s debut, isn’t a million musical miles away from the current vogue sound of today.

“Yeah, that’s just the way it goes,” agrees Mick. “We’re a fairly complex band in that there’s more than one sound to us so different elements of our band seem to come in and out of vogue. But we’re always somehow riding outside of that; we’re always doing our own thing. Just different elements of our band come into vogue which is quite useful really.”

Do you think that ever-

changing aspect of your sound is what has helped you outlast a number of your contemporaries, such as, ahem, Sleeper?

“When we first started doing interviews, they’d say, ‘Shed Seven are higher in the charts than you’ or ‘you’re doing better than them’, and that appears like it’s a competition- comparing bands on sales figures rather than artistic adventure,” answers Mick in a very roundabout way.

“We know all those contemporary bands personally and it’s sad to see them not doing as well and having to make hard decisions. We’ve never taken advantage of being lumped in with other bands so I don’t think we’ll take it in any other way either. If other bands are falling by the wayside, you don’t stand on their heads whilst they’re drowning so as to make yourself taller. I don’t think that’s a nice thing to do.”

Being lumped into a scene has plagued Supergrass from their very conception. And now, a certain music weekly is claiming they’ve got a ‘scene with no name’ sound, even though that scene doesn’t exist and if it did, nobody would want

“You don’t stand on bands’ heads whilst they’re drowning.” to be linked with the rather cack Ikara Colt anyway.

“You’d have to name that scene for me to know what you’re talking about,” puns Mick, or at least I think he does, although he doesn’t laugh afterwards so I don’t either. “No idea what they’re talking about. It amazes me the amount of things we’ve been involved in or missed out on. When we started out, we were a new-wave of new-wave band apparently, but we quickly became a Britpop one. I really don’t know what scene we’re ‘sposed to be in,” “It annoys me,” continues Mick, “in that it’s not very accurate. It just lacks imagination that people can’t think of ways of describing bands other than what scene they’re in or who their influences are. They can’t seem to get beyond those two things when describing a new band. They have to be either part of the new guitar thing coming up or part of the new pop scene or they sound like some band. It’s just not a very interesting read basically.”

Such sniping from Mick appears to be aimed at the NME, the magazine that created the whole cartoon image that maybe the band is finally managing to shake off.

“I don’t know if we have lost that cartoon image,” claims Mick. “It seems to keep coming back at us. I think we were striving to get away from it on ‘In It For The Money’. But I think we’ve just come to terms with it and realize that even if we are portrayed as a cartoon band, it’s just not a very accurate description of what we are anymore.

I feel confident enough in the band to let people do that without really worrying about it because I know they’re wrong and I feel smug about it.”

Clearly Mick is reflecting the band’s confidence which sees them play all of their new album tonight. And it is clear that the songs were designed for the live arena. However, one song is notable by its absence. Does Mick feel that ‘Alright’ is more of a blessing or a burden?

“That’s two-fold,” replies Mick. “First off, we barely play it anymore anyway so we don’t have that problem really.

Secondly, I don’t think the audience do come to hear ‘Alright’.

Maybe in passing they do but no more than they want to hear ‘Richard III’, ‘Caught By The Fuzz’ or ‘Moving’. It’s something I definitely see creeping up in press articles but in reality, it’s not really like that.”

With that, Mick departs to bark out his vocals in a gig that is testament to the band’s selfbelief. There will be those who say that the crowd cheered most for earlier songs but that happens to every band, whilst there will be those who will say they shouldn’t have played all of the new album.

However, sitting with the old ‘classics’, the new songs were greeted with a surprising amount of enthusiasm for such new material, demonstrating that there’s life in the old mutton-chopped, Calvin Klein approved of, cartoon farmers yet. We’ll just have to see what scene they’re part of next time.

22 MUSIC

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

GIGS

Isobel

Todd

6th Nov: Bright Eyes Leeds Joseph's Well (0113 245 5570) Get past the odd lyric about friends who are "mostly made of pain" and live on "estates of sorrow" and you'll start to draw comparisons with songwriting greats like Nick Cave and Dylan. The ever changing line up of players take a back seat to Oberst's storytelling (in which long conversations with the ghosts of dead girlfriends feature fairly heavily) but his frayed, quivering voice makes for engaging, if unnerving, listening.

8th Nov: Richard Ashcroft Manc Academy (0161 8321111) In a media age, the bigger your TV set, the greater the emotional impact of September 11th- or so you'd think given the 'cosmic' subject matter of Ashcroft's latest solo album, Human Conditions. It's hard to see any of the new material capturing The Verve's anthemic fervor- especially if there's any truth in the rumours of bongos and sax solos live.

12th Nov: Fischerspooner Manc Uni (0113 2444600) Following on from Bowie in giving Electro Pop With Performance Art a good name, New York's Fischerspooner categorically prove that the drugs do workas do lycra body stockingswhen it comes to the enjoyment of their live performances. Feels good, looks good, never mind if it sounds decidedly mediocre.

15th Nov: Underworld Manc Appollo (0161 2422560) Rather like being in Miss Kittin's womb, one would imagine.

20th Nov: Eighties Matchbox B-Line Disaster Fibbers (01904 651250) It takes almost as long to say their name as it takes to listen to their album, and to figure out that all their talk about atonal stimulation myths and anti-sanity revelation psychosis doesn't mean shit.

Little mermaids

Ewan Tant swims with the fishes and goes to check out The Coral to discover if they’ve got any ‘skeleton keys’ in their closet.

Walking on to The Coral’s tour bus the first thing that hits you is the incredible aroma…these guys certainly deserve their reputation as the ‘So Stoned Crew’. With the rest of the band playing cards and smoking spliff after spliff, I’m at least talking to the more ‘serious’ member of the group, drummer Ian Skelly.

In press releases their music is classed as ‘Gregorian

prog goth hip-hop hillbilly renaissance Swedish jazz’, although many have simply called it ‘Scally rock’.

However, despite their reputation they certainly shouldn’t be classed in the lazy stoner category. The Coral are already working on their second album in less than a year.

Live, they play their entire debut album with ferocious intensity and never lose the

23rd Nov: Moby (+Lamb) Manc ENA (0161 237 5554) People vaguely aware of the fact that Moby existed before 1999 like to complain that he's sold out, but even back in his early nineties techno days Moby was being Brenden Benson + accused of diluting the form.

Actually his success lies in Medium 21 his ability to distil and fuse York Fibbers, 29th October 2002 musical genres, and the only logical thing one can hold his show is part of the ‘feed against him is the fact that the Medium 21’ tour”, declares he's a radically religious Brenden Benson half way vegan activist gimp who, were through his band’s set, “so make sure he at York university, would quite clearly be supreme ruler they get a meal tonight!” Although this young four piece may be under- nourof the news groups. ished, this doesn’t prevent them from 25th Nov: Badly Drawn Boy belting out a short and explosive set.

Leeds Uni (0113 2444600) He may be popular with both Hailing from Northampton, and with four EPs under their belt, Medium radio 2 listeners and those Twisted Nerve fanatics who 21 are a promising new act. On stage, like to mutter on about his the towering front man jerks his head 'creative arrangements', but manically, in his best attempt to sumyou have to wonder why mon up the spirit of Ian Curtis, as he Damon Gough should be delivers taut, driving guitar lines. The hailed as a narcoleptic icon second guitarist stares vacantly at the for the slacker generation. I crowd as he alternates between keyknow a girl who fought her boards and guitar, over laying the way back stage to meet him and ended up having to teach pounding rhythm-section. Their sound him how to cut coke- by rights incorporates the choppy guitars of other new comers Interpol, with the he should be teaching song intensity of ‘Surfer Rosa’ era Pixies, writing on fame academy. whilst also being packed full of melodic hooks.

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audience. They may be the most unlikely group to appear on Top of the Pops this year, but The Coral have managed it twice. So what was it like performing to millions of viewers?

“Well the food’s shit, so that was a bit of a disappointment.”

(Getting serious answers can be a real challenge). “It burst the bubble a bit. The first time was boss,” the band’s favourite word,

The keyboards give the music an extra edge as tunes veer between the pop sensibilities of mid era Blur, found in the two minute, ‘By My Side’, and the darker Cure-like rumblings of ‘catalyst’.

Following a brief guest appearance by Benson and his percussionist, who provide tambourine, backing vocals and extra keyboard support, Medium 21 wrap up a memorable set. Already gaining interest from John Peel and Steve Lamacq, Medium 21 could well be a band to watch in the future.

In 1996, Benson released his debut album, ‘One Mississippi’.

Although winning widespread critical approval, he was subsequently ditched

by Virgin. Left out in the wilderness, he has finally returned with a new album ‘Lapalco’, the majority of which he plays tonight. Opening up with the catchy, bubblegum rock of ‘Good to Me’, and moving on to recent single ‘Tiny Spark’, which features the rapturous refrain of ‘Yeah’, Benson seems to be in high spirits.

Peddling a brand of melodic rock, littered with Beach Boys style pop hooks, the Detroit born Benson’s music is a departure from the sort of stripped back, garage rock emerging from his home city. Although given a rougher edge live, his high gloss music, at times dull and often verging on cheesy, is frequently saved by his wistful, melancholic lyrics.

Set closer, ‘Metarie’ is a bittersweet ballad which sees Benson crooning, “You need a bath, and your clothes are wrong. You’ re not my type, I can tell we wouldn’t get along.”

Leaving the stage, and moments later propping up the bar, Benson seems to have a down to earth charm which shines brightly through his music. On the strength of tonight’s performance, however, Benson seems no better than average.

(Andy MacDonald)

YORK VISION 12/11/02 “second time around I wasn’t that into it, but you’ve just gotta do that bit of promotion.

We don’t really like being on telly that much, but you’ve just gotta’ conform to all the businesses before you can do your own thing.”

At this point, the noise from the rest of the band in the background obscures most of the rest of the discussion on conforming, and when it quietens the discussion appears to have moved on to meeting pop stars.

“I met Badly Drawn Boy, he was sound, but he was the only one really. I spoke to a framed picture of Janet Jackson in the star bar for a while though. I chatted her up.”

The Coral also managed to increase their audience with support slots for Oasis at Finsbury Park, playing to their biggest audiences so far.

Recommendation from Gallagher Sr can often lead to big things for new bands, but how was it for the Coral?

“It was just three surreal days, just stoned off our heads, getting up dead early in the morning and soundchecking in the freezing cold.”

The other gig that comes close to that scale was their storming performance at Glastonbury. Was that fun?

“Glastonbury was boss, ‘cos the weather was boss. We got to play a gig, get in free at Glastonbury and get stoned off our heads! It was boss. We stayed for about…I can’t even remember…I just remember being off my head, wondering round and that’s about it.”

Just as I believed we had the next Libertines on our hands my hopes for tales of debauchery were dashed…

“It’s not our usual thing though, ‘cos when you’re on tour it’s mostly work so you’ve gotta’ stay on top of your health. You don’t eat well so you’ve gotta drink loads of

York Barbican, 5th October 2002

he French have croissants, we have Beth Orton. The chandelier which tonight graces the Barbican stage may be an attempt to create an impression of decadent glitz, but it can’t conceal the fact that the Beth Orton record has become the Englander’s natural accompaniment to morning sex and Sunday papers.

Opener ‘Galaxy of Emptiness’ is typical- it has length, breadth and zero depth, and just enough of a rhythm to allow for the suggestive grooving of the double bass player. And it sets the real atmosphere for a concert so monotonous that it will put pay to two members of the audience- usually, at gigs, when people have to be scraped off the floor and carried out, you diagnose moshpit exhaustion or dodgy pills. Here you have to wonder whether they’re simply suffering from extreme boredom.

There are a few eye-opening moments. ‘Stolen Car’ is belted out through a broad grin, Orton’s head thrown back and her stick thin body swaying. It’s worth seeing her live for this, but

water and look after yourself.

If you take loads of drugs and that you just come home like a skeleton.”

“I’m not interested in what The Libertines and that lot do.

Some bands are in it for rock’n’roll clichés and some bands are in it for music and what I get from The Libertines is that they’re in it for that fucking Rolling Stones cliché.

It’s more Spinal Tap than rock’n’roll. It’s not cool- you’re just being a dick. We’re in it for the long term, not just paying for a lifestyle. We’re just more interested in making boss albums so that when we’re old we can say we did something for the history of music, not just took drugs and made tits out of ourselves.”

Maybe, then, comparisons with Coldplay weren’t quite so far fetched as they seemed at the time, although somehow I can’t quite see Chris Martin having a lost weekend at Glastonbury.

Finally, getting on to the bands position on being called scallies: “It pisses me off; we’re always scallywags, psychedelic, trip-taking, acid-heads who nick your cars. I wouldn’t know how to nick your car and we’ve never been into it. We’re just gonna keep on banging out the music.”

So, not only will we have one of Britain’s most intriguing bands continuing to bang out indefinable music, but you don’t have to worry about losing your car in the process.

LIVE REVIEWS

Beth Orton

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“I spoke to a framed picture of Janet Jackson...I chatted her up.”

too often her vocals go all muttery buttery and you start to miss your newspaper.

This style may work for the all mood, no tune music of, say, Mazzy Star; but Orton is ultimately a folk writer, and who wants to hear Willow from Buffy lilt?

As yet another song fades into “aaaacriesaaaayoureyesaaaabutterfliesaaa” you begin to suspect that this ear clogging delivery is simply intended to conceal the dubious quality of her more recent lyrics.

But the problem isn’t just with the latest material. Even her lauded debut LP Trailer Park was want to get stuck in mild-electro furrows, and seeing Orton live you realise that the strange muddy quality which pervades her records was after all no fault of the production, but simply what happens when you mix an earthy voice with a watery blend of strings, acoustics, and keyboards.

I’m certainly no purist, but if you can’t take the Chemical Brothers on tour you’re better off without the fuzz: as in fashion, as in music, it is possible to over accessorise, and Beth Orton is quite possibly the one singer in today’s pop scene whose set would be made considerably more interesting by the eradication of the backing band and the introduction of a stool.

(Isobel Todd)

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

ARTS 27

LISTINGS

PREVIEW

BAT TLE OF THE DRAMA QUEENS Is York ready for Dramasoc's forthcoming productions about sexual violence and Nazi Germany’s persecution of gay men? Anna Mayall finds out.

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atch a woman being gang-raped.

See a man beat his lover to death. This is what Drama Soc has in store for us this term.

In weeks six and seven the drama barn will be host to some of the most provocative and controversial theatre in existence.

Anyone who's ever accused Drama Soc. of being twee or conformist should think again.

A Woman Alone is a series of politically charged monologues about the oppression of women.

Third year director, Madi Pennell says "It is feminist, but not aggressively so". Rather than just bashing men, it inspires women to act and react.

Week seven's Bent by Martin Sherman is the boys' revenge.

Three men who've just had an orgy open this play about homosexuals in 1930s Germany.

On the Night of the Long Knives the SS storm their apartment as homosexuality has been made illegal. The audience is then plunged into the torturous reality of concentration camp life for gays.

Bent is a hard-eyed exposure of the Nazi persecution of homosexuals painted on the canvas of 20th century fascism, and is no less relevant today.

Although it contains full male

nudity and a verbally explicit love scene, Bent is essentially a love story. The protagonists are just another pair of literature's wartorn lovers.

The director of Bent, David Milne, says his objective is to humanise homosexuals in the eyes of our still prejudiced society.

His production is absolutely naturalistic and the love story will be played with utter sincerity.

Both plays are politically motivated. Sherman attempts to raise awareness about the much ignored issue of the Nazi cleansing of homosexuals. Pink triangle wearing 'queers' suffered horrifically in concentration camps both at the hands of the guards and their fellow prisoners.

A Woman Alone's writers Franca Rame and Dario Fo are political activists, and were communists at the time of the fascist reign in Italy.

Rame herself was raped by a gang of right-wing thugs. The monologue "The Rape" is a present tense reliving of her experience, performed in Pennell's production by second year English student, Jen Burraston.

Other monologues concern Fascism in 1922, and the exploration of sexual inequality in

1970s Palestine, focussing on the tradition of a husband beating his bride before sex.

I can think of few more demanding tasks for a performer than to simulate being raped or having an orgasm in the intimate space of the drama barn.

Thankfully Burraston and the leads of Bent, James Cunningham and Jo Godsal, are among the University's most competent actors.

Perhaps more challenging for Cunningham and Godsal is the

THEATRE ROYAL

EXHIBITION SQUARE, YORK BOX OFFICE: 623568

1 December, 7.30pm Probably the grandest and most popular of Verdi’s operas, featuring lavish ballet interludes.

King Lear

26 November - 30 November,

fact that, beneath Bent's starkly 7.30pm West takes on the title violent veneer, their characters' Timothy role in this powerful production of story is a beautifully written one of Shakespeare's finest tradegies. romance.

These plays are inherently My Sons confrontational. They will be per- All 1 November - 23 November, formed without embarrassment 7.30pm or apology, conveying their Based on a true story, this was stance against the oppression of Arthur Miller’s first major success in 1973. certain social groups.

But as Milne says, "They're written to challenge, and perhaps our largely middle-class, WEST YORKSHIRE comfortable University needs PLAYHOUSE PLAYHOUSE SQUARE, that."

QUARRY HILL, LEEDS. BOX OFFICE: 0113 2137700

Hamlet

25October - 30 November, 7.30pm Ian Brown’s first production following his appointment as Artistic Director of the WY Playhouse.

Philip Larkin - Pretending To Be Me

22 November - 21 December, 7.45pm Featuring some of Larkin’s most memorable poems, this follows on the success of last month’s Larkin With Women.

God’s Official

12 - 16 November, 7.45pm Two footballers abduct the referee after their team is relegated in this comedy of injustice.

GRAND OPERA HOUSE CLIFFORD STREET, YORK BOX OFFICE: 671818

Aida

RIDING LIGHTS THEATRE COMPANY

FRIARGATE THEATRE, LOWER FRIARGATE, YORK. BOX OFFICE: 01904 655317

First Hand & Science Friction

9 October - 14 December A national double tour to celebrate the Riding Lights Theatre Company’s 25th birthday.

RYEDALE THEATRE COMPANY

BOX OFFICE: 01751 476863 FOR INFORMATION EMAIL: ryedaletc@yahoo.co.uk Performing at venues around North & East Yorkshire

The Daughter-in-law

5 - 15 November, 7.30pm Tickets: £5/ £6 Set in the 1920 coal strike, this is a little known play by DH Lawrence following the theme of Sons and Lovers.

THE ROYAL EXCHANGE THEATRE ST ANN’S SQUARE MANCHESTER BOX OFFICE: 0161 833 9833 box.office@royalexchange.co.uk

Port

6 - 30 November, 7.30pm A harsh, funny, caustic exploration of Stockport by a young girl who finds herself in a new city.

Habitat

12 - 30 November, 7.30pm Liberal attitudes are tested when a care home for disturbed teenagers is opened on a residential estate.

REVIEWS Everyman Week 3 Drama barn

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fter a couple of false starts last term, Everyman made it to the finishing line with a respectable performance on Friday week 3.

The student-written adaptation of the fourteenth century morality play is a retelling of the tumultuos relationship between Everyman and God. Writer and director Nina McBreen took an experimental approach to the work, adopting a range of

Faustus Week 4 Drama Barn

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ou might have thought you knew the Faustus myth, but with a quartet of actors Chris

visual and audio techniques to evoke a sense of claustrophobia and confusion.

Imaginative lighting created an unsettling, almost post-apocalyptic atmosphere. The action occurred inside a narrow gauze box, whose walls reached from floor to ceiling in the centre of the Barn, around which the audience were seated.

An opaque view of the actors did not detract from their powerful performance, however.

Although Elis Matthews stepped in only at the last minute to fill the role of Everyman, he skillfully conjured a convincing performance of man questioning his faith in God-

whose voice was provided by Rob Leigh.

We also really sensed both his fear and despair, when faced with 'death'- in the form of a haunting performance by Vic Briggs.

In some sections all three performers were speaking at once, with added echo effects from the technical box. At times this proved a little difficult to follow, and perhaps alienated some of us from what was happening.

However, this did add to the unnerving and enigmatic atmosphere which, I think, Nina was trying to create. This very short but empowered play presented a very unique style of drama to start the term.

Clarke has radically reworked it as a piece of devised physical theatre.

Many of the ideas presented were both theatrical and thoughtful: the childlike way of using two fingers to create a walking man was suggestive both of Faustus's foolishness and the path all mankind treads toward death.

Light bulbs, bordering the raised stage, were used as an effective dramatic metaphor for life, salvation and power.

However, these images never really followed through. Clarke and his company grasped, perhaps not always successfully, dramatic expression but ultimately failed to deliver in terms of structure.

The production was a brave experiment, but there was no sense here of the human tragedy: a man who sells his soul and understands, too late, the consequences.

Instead, Clarke gave us something altogether too intellectual and emotionless, something of an anti-humanist aesthetic.

Yet Faustus was by no means a complete failure. It was a refreshing change to see someone using theatre, not to say something, but to explore something.

The cast and crew experimented theatrically and philosophically, and dared to take a journey to which we do not know the end.

(Jonathan Statham)

48 Hour Musical - The Jungle Book Week 2 Drama Barn

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here does the King of the Swingers head on a weekend? How about those of you with a burning ambition to be a tree?

Apart from counselling, the next best answer would have been to grab hold of the nearest vine and swing down to the Drama Barn for Drama Soc's annual 48 hour musical.

The challenge was to cast, rehearse, make the costumes and build the set for The Jungle Book.

The first meeting was on Friday at 7pm while the results of 48 hours of exhaustive work were revealed on the Sunday at 7pm. And impressive results at that.

The Drama Barn's usually moody black interior was transformed by

the addition of day-glo green leaf shadows, effectively giving the impression of dark Indian jungle.

The cast, though small, were enthusiastic and despite the odd forgotten line, which with 48 hours to learn a script is not surprising, tackled the challenge well.

Particularly outstanding were Rob Leigh as Baloo, wearing a costume not dissimilar to a used car dealer, and Aga Serugo-Lugo as King Louie, complete with sporadic patches of orange fur.

They were not alone in giving talented performances, however. From the Caberet-style Vulture Quartet, to the Dr Evilesque Shere Khan, each cast member turned in a good performance.

The songs were ably performed by both cast and musicians, who especially came into their own when the elephants were onstage.

If you missed this year's 48 hour musical, then you missed an impressively entertaining show that would have you reaching for your loin cloth and other 'bare-necessities'.

(Sarah Cork)

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR Various Artists Ministry of Sound: The Annual (out now)

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Missy Elliot

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his triple album is packed with all the musical niceties we have come to expect from the commercial dance giant that is the Ministry.

As the competition begins to reveal its cards in the lead up to winter celebrations, the label have planned to blanket the industry with a whopping 63 track box set in the most recognised brand of their fourth quarter schedule.

Fans of the series will be pleased to see a record number of exclusive mixes featuring Paul Oakenfold, Jakatta, DJ Sammy, Jan Wayne, Divine Inspiration and more, all playing alongside this years massive repertoire of favourites.

Whilst promoted as ‘a perfect gift purchase this Christmas’, one would be forgiven for buying this album under the pretence of it being the biggest house compilation of the year.

The latest instalment marks a change of times, indicative not only of the record label but the house industry as a whole. With dance music now

Under Construction (out now)

002 has seen many big releases but few have been as eagerly anticipated as this offering from the first lady of hip-hop, Missy Elliot. ‘Under Construction’ is Elliot’s fourth studio album and once again she has brought her friends to the party, this time collaborating with the likes of Jay-Z, Beyonce Knowles and TLC.

By her own admission this album is heavily influenced by the death of her friend Aaliyah and the events at the World Trade Centre last year. The impact of these events has made ‘Under Construction’ far more sombre than either ‘So Addictive’ or ‘Supa Dupa Fly’, angry at both the state of today’s hip-hop and the world in general.

The album opens with ‘Go To The Floor’ an instantly forgettable track that reeks of mediocrity and suggests that ‘Still Under Construction’ would be a far more apt title for the album.

However things soon improve, with the strong ‘Gossip Folks’ featuring Ludacris, and ‘Can You Hear Me’ with TLC. The latter looks back and remembers lost loved ones, which seems especially poignant following last week’s events in New York, as Jam Master Jay had been a major source of inspiration to Missy.

Fans will be pleased to hear that the current single ‘Work It’ it is by no means the best track on the disc.

That particular honour falls to ‘Back In The Day’, a classy collaboration with Jay-Z which muses over their lost innocence and how the industry has “taken away the fun” of hip hop.

One of the biggest disappointments of this album is ‘Nothing Out There’, a poor song and a tragic waste of Beyonce’s vocals, which should have been a major highlight of the record.

The album’s fillers become too often indistinguishable from each other, and can best be described as Missy Elliot by numbers. It is these songs hard core fans will study for their lyrical significance, but which are unlikely to make much of an impression with the casual listener.

What this album perhaps lacks more than anything is a really uplifting, arrogant track. It cries out for a ‘For My People’ or a ‘Get Your Freak On’, but sadly, despite several promising starts, one never seems to materialise .

Under Construction will keep Elliot die-hards happy and proud that their heroine is “keeping it real”, but is unlikely to win her any new fans.

(Simon Osborn)

Edward The Great (out now)

Andy Votel

All Ten Fingers (out now)

As Badly Drawn Boy’s label boss, Andy Votel has charge of the indiest man in Britain, and he obviously feels the need to compete.

Although releasing a record of predominantly instrumental, unintentionally twee hip-hop is certainly not the way .

‘All Ten Fingers’, Votel’s follow up to his mediocre last, is much like the graphic art he does for Twisted Nerve – whimsical, quirky, but in the end nothing more than an elaborate doodle. This doodle is pretty in parts, notably in ‘Canter’, which would not be out of place on an Avalanches’ record. But generally this album is a mess.

The problem with ATF is that it’s not as good as it thinks it is. The meandering intros to every song don’t legitimise its 69-minute running time. At worst it’s the aural equivalent of Richard Madely doing an Ali G impression. The record clearly has aspirations to Mr. Scruff’s funkiness, but it’s simply not interesting enough.

ATF’s complete lack of character renders it an utterly pointless album.

Like that annoying kid in everyone’s primary school, Andy Votel is simply trying to impress his cool mates.

Hopefully, if they all ignore him, he might go away.

(Sam Walton)

ALBUMS

SINGLES

having more sub-genres than classical and jazz, it’s difficult to see how the blinkered, true-blue fan of one particular dance style would appreciate this bag of blended flavours.

Indeed, fans of the alternative Euphoria series are advised to steer clear if they are looking to keep their dance-specific respect. On the flip-side, those who aren’t quite so particular about their dance music will appreciate the spectrum of riffs, and enjoy the carefully planned track listings.

Mixes run seamlessly, bouncing off of one another with a certain school-boy smugness that comes naturally from Oakenfold’s fader-happy fingers.

Over the past few years that the Annual brand have been a part of the Ministry family they have maintained a dominant struggle with their main rival the ‘Clubbers’ Guide’ series.

This weighty package eclipses all previous efforts and is sure to be the number one selling dance album in this last quarter of the year. A solid box set for anyone who wants a comprehensive annual to remember 2002.

(Doug Bendle)

James Kelly A t h l e t e -Beautiful (out now) Still sounding like Pavement and Grandaddy going pop with added electronic squiggles, this is Athlete coming of age. Deserves to be this year's 'Yellow'. In fact, it's so great that you wouldn't get bored of it after multiple listens like you did after hearing Yellow for the eight hundred and ninety-first time.

Sugarbabes Stronger/Angels With Dirty Faces (out now) The acceptable face of pop looms into view once again, with the girls hoping everyone's dose of amnesia continues and they don't remember that they were that crap girl group from a couple of years ago. Not as good as the last two singles although 'Angels With Dirty Faces' is an alright ditty.

However, 'Stronger' sounds worryingly like Seal. Let's hope this doesn't spur The Music Getaway(18th November) Incapable of doing anything wrong, The Music release an absolute blinder of a single. As danceable as it is listenable, if this doesn't convince you to buy the album then you need to be castrated so that you don't breed. Their charge to the biggest band in the land continues apace; I suggest you get Alternative 3 Push (25th November) Brilliant release from these new kids on the block. For once the blurb is right and they do sound like Air discovering rock guitars. But not quite as lethargic. If this was a just world then it would become a dancefloor anthem. Instead we get that 'Ketchup Song' thing. Go figure.

TLC

Iron Maiden

Riding the wave of an alleged increase in applications to study computer science, EMI - who are probably kicking themselves right now for selling off their missile-making operations - have seen fit to give Iron Maiden the full greatest hits treatment.

Or perhaps the idea is just to capitalise on the hype surrounding the Datsuns, who are evidently alumni of the Bruce Dickinson school of six-string onanism. But it all amounts to 16 nuggets of vintage Maiden, including a particularly special live performance recorded in Rio. Among the varied delights of 'Edward The Great' are the ceaselessly bewitching trick of following cheesy Chris Rea intros with doubletime ROCK and screaming, the sophisticated rhyming scheme at the heart of 'Bring Your Daughter…To The Slaughter', and several thousand Brazilians singing along to the solo from 'Fear Of The Dark'.

This is intensely stupid music, but if you were one of those kids with a grubby black wardrobe and a keen interest in the finer subtleties of Warhammer, blow the dust off your old air guitar and let down your ponytail.

(Robin Howells)

Jakatta

Visions (out now)

From the artist that brought you ‘American Dream’ and ‘My Vision’ comes this. It’s been a work in progress for the talented House DJ, Dave Lee, since the success of his first commercial release.

Now, after another spell in the charts with the single ‘My Vision’, featuring Seal on vocals, Jakatta has an album ready for release.

The commercial success of an artist can often taint an album with the presumption that there is nothing else but the singles. But it can honestly be said that this is not one of those albums. And despite what you may be thinking; it’s not all house music either.

There’s an ambient mix of funk, soul, disco and house combined with orchestral movements and relaxed interludes, creating a concoction which sounds like Moby, Air and William Orbit all rolled into one.

However, it does have its dodgy moments, where Lee pushes the boundaries of commercial acceptance a little too far. For example,the first full track includes extracts of Lee lighting a cigarette. Nonetheless, it’s a very pleasing effort with a few surprises. Definately one to go out on a limb for.

(Jen Seviter)

MUSIC 23

3D (11th November)

3D is billed as a 'heartfelt tribute' to Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes after her tragic death just under a year ago.

Thankfully the group have decided to keep the spirit of their last two albums alive, stripping away any fears of sappy sentimentality.

This is the best tribute they could have paid, as it vanquishes the memories of a short lived, unsuccessful solo career and the better best forgotten collaboration with Mel C. The title and opening track is yet another example of drum'n'bass being vastly improved when fused with hip-hop (Outkast 'BOB'), as opposed to the dull-as-fuck hippie dirge produced by LTJ Bukem et al.

On 'Damaged', soft-rock is mixed with R'n'B with all the hideous results this entails. The usually excellent Neptunes fail to produce any excitement with 'In Your Arms Tonight', sounding like they really had to get this out the way before that pressing appointment with Justin Timberlake.

However, the collaborations with Timberlake/Missy Elliot ('Dirty Dirty') and Organized Noize fare much better. There are certainly no 'Waterfalls' or 'No Scrubs' here, but it is a very sassy, sexy and danceable record so, people, go get your freak on.

(Ewan Tant)

Coldplay The Scientist (out now) At some point, Coldplay seem to have gone away and actually become true contenders for great band status. Chris Martin sounds more reflective and melancholic than bed-wetting. One smack on the bald patch for Alan McGee. A - Something’s Going On (11th November) I can't help feeling a bit sorry for A. I mean, I'm happy that they're now rock juggernauts but people seem to think they just cashed-in on the 'scene' whilst they've been knocking out quality tunes like this for years.

Anyway, it's business as usual and makes the cold November nights feel like summer. AND singer Jason Perry reckons it's got the best mid-eight in KinesisBillboard Beauty (18th November) Coming over like the bastard offspring of ATDI and Wilt, with Hundred Reasons watching on as the beast is conceived, Kinesis live up to early promise and hype. Their current support for Hundred Reasons could see their heartfelt barking reach the large audience it deserves whilst B-side 'Dead By Sunrise' could be an anthem for Michael Barrymore's parties.

24 FILMS

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

HORROR FLOPS

FEATURE

Are You Afraid Of The Dark?

Halloween may have been and gone but as the nights start to draw in and the lights dim along Walmgate stray, Neil Barnes sifts through some of the shockers that’ll have you wetting your beds for weeks...

A

re you afraid of the dark?

Do things that go bump in the night leave you wide-eyed and shaking? If so, these might not be the films for you. There are some horror films that have this effect even on those with nerves of steel.

And then there are those horror films which are so bad it's scary.

Slasher movies like Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th might leave you scared sleepless the first time you watch them, but the

magic will rarely work twice.

Halloween was a good movie, but H2O, the most recent outing in the series, is just plain pathetic. Oh, it'll make you want to scream, but more from frustration at it's tired formula than from fear. The once good 'horror' movie soon morphs into a poor quality comedy .

Then there are the one-offs, the ones with no sequels (we hope), which make you wonder how the hell they ever got made.

Final Destination and What Lies Beneath.

Horror films?

Personally I'd be more scared by the prospect of having to watch a Pokemon movie.

But there are some films that still grip our hearts with fear and make us check the dark corners of our room before bed. These are the classic horror films that will have you jumping with every creak of the house hours after you turned off your VCR. Psychological thrillers have great chilling potential.

After all, make-believe monsters and imagined ghosts are less scary than the reality of human nature. Hannibal Lector's serial killings in The Silence of the Lambs (1991) preyed on the basic human fear of cannibalism and psychosis.

Similarly, The Shining (1980) is a surreal glimpse into the dangers of severe writer's block. The scene when Jack Nicholson batters down a door with an axe and peers through the hole, announcing 'Heeerrrrreee's Johnny!' is a classic to rival the infamous shower-stabbing from Psycho (1960) in horror history. For full effect watch it late at night, on your own and in total darkness.

Alien (1979) is a film which will counteract memories from cad films such as The

Heeerrrrreee’s... the money: The classic ‘mega-buck’ scenes

“Horror? I’d be more scared by the prospect of having to watch a Pokemon movie.”

Faculty. No alien has ever gripped people with fear as much as the Alien itself. As a huge, tube-headed black monster, which bleeds acid and bursts out of people's chests, it is one hell of an enemy. This film exhibits truly tense direction by Ridley Scott in a claustrophobic and suffocating environment.

However, horror is often at its most frightening when its cause is not thrust in the viewers face but is left to grow and mutate in their minds. The Blair Witch Project exploited the fear of the unknown by only showing the character's reactions to what the audience was unable to see. However even Blair Witch loses its power on repeated viewing.

The qualities of a great horror movie are ultimately strangely similar to those of a great comedy- both cannot truely be classed as classics unless they possess the ability to

When horrors go bad, they really do go bad. Jess Shiddell looks at the worst frighteners ever to hit our screens...

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his time of year seems to inspire everyone to rent out B-list horror films hoping for a good scare. There's nothing better than the adrenaline rush of movie-inspired terror, that hide behind the couch element that makes a horror movie great.

However when horror movies flop, they really do flop!

Here are some of the worst, most laughably bad horror films ever to hit the cinemas.

Braindead/Dead Alive (1987)

Tucking in: The monkey-rat of Braindead

Directed by Peter Jackson, this film gave him cult status within the horror genre. It begins with a zoo expedition on the trail of the legendary "rat monkey". It finds its way into suburban Australia and with its deadly bite turns Lionel's mum into a walking corpse. Lionel seems to suffer from an Oedipus complex and abandonment issues and keeps his zombie mother hidden. But these things have a way of coming out. The finale is a hilarious gore fest that features a horde of zombies and a lawnmower - which pumped out over 300 litres of

blood a minute during filming.

Night of the Living Dead (1968) This film is a classic, I know, but that does not stop it from being superbly bad. The original by George Romero was the quintessential 'zombie' movie and helped to establish the modern day mythology of the "flesh-eating zombie". The remake by Tom Savini was, if anything worse and all the more enjoyable for it. This film produced one of my favourite movie quotes - "They're coming to get you Barbara."

Attack of the 50ft Woman (1958) This Nathan Hertz film saw heiress Nancy Archer abducted by aliens and returned as a woman of gigantic proportions. In her enhanced state she wreaks revenge on her philandering husband and destroys everything around her.

Infamous for its appalling special effects and continuityyou will never see aliens and humans in the same shot- this film is bad with little of the redeemingly bad.

Zombified: As ‘Flesh’ as a daisy

HARRY POTTER 2 doubt, however, if anyone present was there for casual viewing. The audience for this film predominantly consists of Harry Potter die-hards, and anyone who failed to be ensnared by the hype surrounding the first film is unlikely to succumb a second time round.

The film sees Harry's entry into his second year of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Although Mr Potter is desperate to go back to school, a chain of events make his return more hazardous than expected.

The light-hearted atmosphere is soon dispelled when Harry suffers a serious accident on the Quidditch field. This incident is soon followed by attacks on several students and the teachers are forced to reveal the legend of the Chamber of Secrets and threaten Hogwarts with closure.

Will Harry be able to save the school and solve the mystery of the heir of Slytherin? Well, what do you reckon? The real surprise of this film is that everything about it is bigger and better than the first.

The addition of Professor Lockhart (Kenneth Branagh) to the characters was an inspired move by Rowling, and he provides the majority of the comic relief in a film much darker than the Philosopher's Stone.

Imagine a mixture between Cliff Richard and Alan Partridge - he makes mother’s hearts flutter whilst being a cocky, talentless fraud.

Genius!

The film is beautifully made, with flawless special effects. The Quidditch game was a joy to watch simply because of the speed and precision of the filming. The influence of J K Rowling is still highly evident. It is a well-known fact that she involves herself with every aspect of produc-

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets (PG) (Chris Columbus, 2002, US) Daniel Radcliffe, Kenneth Branagh, Maggie Smith, Robbie Coltrane. 180 mins.

“D

obby !". I defy anyone to leave the cinema without screaming the little house elf’s name, or attempting to say " 'arry Potter " in a Somerset accent.

The greatly anticipated sequel to Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone is finally here and sees the return of an A list cast. The excitement surrounding the release of the film has been somewhat marred by the recent death of Richard Harris who plays the role of Professor Dumbledore.

However, the hype nevertheless had its desired effect, as we were forced to crane our necks from the second row due to a packed out theatre. This made the many sweeping and flying scenes difficult to focus upon, so our advice is to get there early and don’t sit too near the front.

Your mother was right, it is bad for your eyes.

Contrary to popular belief the cinema was not full of eight year old kids, but scarily enough an assortment of fully grown adults. I seriously

tion and allows little deviation from

“Imagine a mixture between Cliff Richard and Alan Partridge Lockhart makes mother’s hearts flutter whilst being a cocky, talentless fraud.

Genius!”

the book. The result is a film that is honorably true to the text.

Our only quibble with this film is that the child actors never strayed far from the stiff upper lip, RP accented school of acting but allowances must be made for their age.

The sentimental, moralistic aspect of the book does not translate so well onto the screen, becoming cheesy instead but the many laughs made up for the schmaltz.

Despite a few trivial objections this film is a highly enjoyable watch for all ages. Oh, and if you think you've heard the voice of Dobby before….you haven't, it's just some geezer called Toby Jones.

(Steph Bloomfield and Jess Shiddell)

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

FILMS 25

NEW RELEASES 28 Days Later (18) (Danny Boyle, 2002, Netherlands, UK, US) Cillian Murphy, Naomie Harris, Megan Burns. 117 mins.

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he 'disaster' movie seems to have been around forever. The Fifties witnessed a 400ft Monster lizard menace the streets of Tokyo in 'Godzilla'. Martians destroyed the White House and jeopardised Will Smith's acting career in 'Independence Day' during the Nineties, and now a killer virus threatens to annihilate the whole of mankind in '28 Days Later'.

What exactly is it about the words 'Hollywood' and 'disaster movies' ? Probably the words 'millions' and 'Box-office'.

However, '28 Days Later' is a different type of disaster movie to the aforementioned. Whilst Danny Boyle may still adopt a 'Judgement Day' formula, his aversion lies in the use of virtually unknown actors, and shooting the whole film on digital video.

Rather than being a simple 'special-effects fest' with a lame story line, '28 Days Later' is a very unsettling and thoroughly exhilarating depiction of apocalyptic

28 Days Later (Danny Boyle 2002, US) Christopher Ecclestone, Cillian Murphy. 135 mins. See Review

“It becomes compulsory to look around the cinema every ten minutes to make sure that no-one there is

(15) (Richard Kelly, 2001, US) Jake Gyllenhaal, Holmes Osborne, Maggie Gyllenhaal. 112 mins.

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around in women’s clothing whilst wearing make-up on ‘Top Of The Pops’.

Why, then, might you ask, would an unknown director be willing to gamble a successful Hollywood

days that if a momentous blunder were to happen, we probably would

ly killing those who contract the virus, even each other.

On their way they meet two other survivors - father and daughter Frank and Hannah, and together the group search for a cure to the deadly virus before it turns them all into rage-induced zombies.

As an apocalyptic movie, '28 Days Later' has to be one of the most accurate in recent times. It focuses on the increased uncertainty that surrounds animal testing, which is kept so 'top-secret' nowa-

n't get to find out about it anyway.

The scenes shot in the empty streets of London are eerily reminiscent of some scenes from 'Twelve Monkeys', but Boyle carries this likeness off by creating an atmosphere that envelops the viewer.

The shock-value is also very striking, with scenes of pure blood and guts that are so visually disturbing that you feel it compulsory to look around the cinema every ten minutes to make sure that no one

in bed.

well. He creates real uneasi-

decide instead to use the roughest criminals their country has to offer because they are mean, cunning and most of all expendable. However as Xander points out "If you're gonna ask someone to save the world, make sure they like it the way it is'.

Luckily for the world he does.

Having passed a series of "tests", Xander finds himself as America's newest secret agent.

His mission, and he has no option but to accept it, is to bring down Anarchy '99, a nasty group of Russian crime lords hell bent on, what else, but destroying the world order.

Triple X does not suffer from this highly predictable and farfetched plot as it is more than made up for by the incredible stunts.

All, of course, at the hands of a rippling -muscled Vin Diesel, who sticks to what he does best: keeping dia-

believes that the only way to survive is by instant

Clearly shocked by this, he attempts to find the true reasons behind this cheat of death, and tries to work out whether such a lucky escape had something to do with an impending ‘destiny’ in his path of life.

Like with all ‘mind-blowers’, to attach a single, allencompassing meaning to this film would be an absolute atrocity.

Whilst it may be a jocular glance at teenage adolescence, it is at the same time an introspective journey into the torments of schizophrenia, and also a discerning look at the prospect of the existence of alternative universes.

Such themes are carried-through adeptly by Kelly‘s transient use of camera-work, which enables the story to flow without a flaw.

This method acts to miraculously interweave lives and characters without imposing any kind of formula on the attached audience.

Gyllenhaal's Darko is absolutely phenomenal as

(12A) (Rob Cohen, 2002, US) Vin Diesel, Asia Argento, Samuel L Jackson. 124 mins

F

at Clifton Moor www.warnervillage.co.uk; or 08702 406020 for booking and info

career by setting his directorial debut around the inane days of electro-pop?

The answer for me is self-explanatory - he wanted to set himself a challenge.

And indeed this is exactly what the 26-year-old director of ‘Donnie Darko’ achieves in his debut film, which is a social satire/ teen comedy/ sci-fi fantasy (etc, etc...). ‘Donnie Darko’ is set at the time of the Bush/ Dukakis political debate in the late-eighties in a quaint American suburb.

Donnie Darko (Jack Gyllenhaal) is a mid-teens, misunderstood genius, with a psychological disorder that forces him to take large amounts of medication every day. As a bizarre side effect of this medication, he believes that a six-foot, demonic rabbit, Frank, is warning him about the imminent end of the world.

Strangely one night, a jet engine falls from the sky and crashes into his room, completely obliterating it.

Luckily for Donnie, he isn't

XXX irst things first. Despite the suitably racy name, XXX is not an "Art-house" film, though on reflection we can safely say that Vin Diesel makes it better viewing than pornography.

If you can suspend disbelief for two hours then you will love this film. XXX is James Bond's darker, dirtier and quite frankly sexier cousin.

Set in the seedy under-belly of Eastern European culture, this film sports all the cliches expected from a country whose view of Europe has not moved past the cold war. You can expect a gothic castle on a cliff, villains wearing dead animals and a local population that drinks nothing but vodka.

Xander Cage (Vin Diesel) falls victim to a US government fed up with suited and booted agents with no survival skills. They

Details of every film screened in town and on campus for the next fortnight

Warner Village

Britain.

The central character is bikemessenger Jim (Cillian Murphy), who wakes up in a deserted hospital absolutely bewildered, only to find that the population of London has been completely wipedout.

He soon finds that the 'humans' he comes into contact with are either dead, or infected with a deadly virus that sends them into an uncontrollable madness.

In his despair he meets other survivors, one of whom is Selena (Naomie Harris), who

Donnie Darko he 'eighties' was not the greatest decade.

Britain had been run-over by Thatcher, famine engulfed many parts of Africa, and male popstars pranced

LISTINGS

logue to a minimum and action to the maxi. Look out for the best avalanche scene known to man.

Directed by Rob Cohen, Triple X is somewhat reminiscent of 'The Fast and the Furious' and his influence can especially be seen in the spectacularly produced car chases.

Vin Diesel makes for a credible and adrenaline packed hero but runs the risk of being typecast. His next film 'Diablo' sees him once again playing an American secret agent.

ness when juxtaposed with evil rabbit Frank, revealing a truely disturbing insanity.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, who is Jake's sister in the film and real life, is consistent enough, but tends to play second fiddle to Jake.

Along with Drew Barrymore, eighties ‘dropout’ Patrick Swayze makes it clear that the Hollywood 'oldskool massive' still has a place in contemporary, cutting-edge cinema- even though he plays an almost self-deprecating role as a sleazy teacher with paedophilic tendencies.

Despite its ambiguous elements therefore, ‘Donnie Darko’ is a break-through in contemporary cinema in that it strays away from conformity, and, in a 'Mullholland-esque' manner, leaves you craving for more.

Whilst providing interesting takes on questions of fate, and whether destiny can be manipulated to suit our life-styles, the films strength ultimately lies in its precision of detail.

(Jonathan Beaufort-Jones)

It’s clear why this has been a box office hit in the US- Xander Cage is a somewhat more accessible character than the aloof, reserved and very British James Bond.

Full of cheesy one liners and a classic 007 ending, Triple X proves that the best way to land the girl of your dreams, fellas, is to become a secret agent.

For pure entertainment value, Triple X is a definite winner and a must see for both the boys and, especially, the girls.

Changing Lanes (Roger Michell 2002, US) Ben Affleck, Samuel L. Jackson. 99 mins Two very different men play a dangerous game of tit for tat.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (Chris Columbus, 2002, UK) Daniel Radcliffe, Kenneth Branagh, Richard Harris. 180 mins See Review Orange County (Jake Casdan, 2002, US) Chevy Chase, Colin Hanks, Jack Black 110 mins A student tries to prove he’s not a complete loser.

Mr Deeds (Steven Brill, 2002, US) Adam Sandler, Winona Ryder, Steve Buscemi 120 mins Comic remake of a classic 1930s film.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Joel Zwick, 2002, US) Nia Vardalos, John Corbett, Michael Constantine, Lainie Kazan. 120mins Romantic culture-clash

comedy Rabbit Proof Fence (Phillip Noyce, 2002, US) Kenneth Branagh, Everlyn Sampi, Tianna Sansbury.

120 mins True story about 3 aboriginal girls.

Red Dragon (Brett Ratner, 2002, US) Anthony Hopkins, Ed Norton, Emily Watson, Harvey Keitel.

140mins.

Star-studded remake of Manhunter to update the Hopkins-asHannibal Lecter franchise.

Road to Perdition (Sam Mendes, 2002, US) Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Jude Law 117 mins Father/Son drama.

Signs (M. Night Shylamalan, 2002, US) Mel Gibson, Jaoquin Pheonix, Cherry Jones 106 mins Sci-fi Drama xXx (Rob Cohen, 2002, US) Vin Diesel, Samuel L Jackson 124 mins See Review

City Screen Coney Street, city centre info 01904 541155, booking 01904 541144 Donnie Darco (see review) 1.30, 4.00, 9.00

28 Days Later (see Review) Times TBC

Rabbit Proof Fence(see above) 1.00, 3.00, 5.00, 7.00, 9.00

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets(see Review) 4.45, 8.00

The Odeon Blossom Street, city centre Phone 08705 050007 for info & booking 28 Days Later (see Review) 12.50, 3.20, 5.50, 8.15 Lilo and Stitch (Chris Sanders / Dean DeBois, 2002, US) 85mins: 1:30, 6:00 Disney's latest story of a Hawiian girl and an alien killing machine (yes that's right) is kid'sonly stuff:

Red Dragon (see above 1.45, 5.15, 8.05 xXx (see review) 3.30, 8.00 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (see review) - From Fri 15th. 10.00, 1.15, 4.30, 7.40

On Campus

York Student Cinema - P/X001 Week 6

Kissing Jessica Stein 19:30 Thurs Spiderman 19:30 Fri

Week 7

The Sting 19:30 Sun

Murder by Numbers 19:30 Fri

Week 8 Don’t look now 19:30 Sun Tears of the Black Tiger 19:30 Mon

Bound 19:30 Mon

Scooby Doo 19:30 Thurs

The Majestic 19:30 Thurs

Minority Report 19:30 Fri

Times are subject to change...

26 ARTS

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

and his actors as "they didn't realize that theatre could be like that."

Agreeing that he was part of the 'MTV Generation' Frantic Assembly has been said to appeal to, Graham talked about the group's biggest influences being music videos and adverts rather than more conventional theatrical works.

"We are too busy doing our own stuff to get influence from other theatre", Graham explained. "MTV has shaped people's attention spans and we get our influences from what is around at the moment."

Peepshow itself takes its cue from Massive Attack's video 'Protection'. California Sweet, a small American film, was another important influence for Graham in creating the production.

Graham added that the show, which 'peeps' at the lives of the inhabitants of four bedrooms, aims to emulate feelings he experienced whilst looking at a collection of photographs by artist Nan Goldin: "One of a private moment captured, where you know some information about the scene but want to find out more."

To complement their modern take on theatre, Frantic Assembly chose to involve drum n’ bass outfit Lamb, whose music also featured on the 'Moulin Rouge' soundtrack.

Graham told me how Frantic Assembly had been fans of Lamb from their beginning, as their music "blew us away". I asked Graham why he thought Lamb's music was suitable for this show and he described the "pure sound" he felt they made.

However, when I asked him whether he felt that Peepshow has been correctly described as a musical, he was keen to shake off any 'pop' connotations that the title may have: "My girlfriend thought that it would be a cheesy musical. We wanted to involve Lamb and gain their trust, but they didn't shape the play."

Graham was happy to inform me that the audience response to Peepshow had been "superb" so far. "I think people have been thrown by it", Graham commented, saying he feels Frantic Assembly are reaching a new audience.

Response to Frantic

Peeping Toms Cathy Baldwin takes a peek into the brains behind the West Yorkshire Playhouse’s latest venture....

I

f Frantic Assembly perform as enthusiastically as their artistic director Scott Graham talks about his art, then Peepshow is sure to be a great piece of theatre.

Graham founded the Frantic Assembly theatre group with Steven Hoggett in 1994, and since then has put on numerous critically acclaimed performances.

When asked about what motivated the formation of Frantic assembly, Graham was keen to stress that the group was more for its members than anything else.

It "started off as a hobby", and was set up by a group of untrained actors with a passion for performance. The result was a new kind of physical theatre which even excited Graham

YORK VISION 12/11/02

PEEPSHOW SPECIAL

Assembly's work is varied, Graham believes, because "it works on different levels".

Graham insisted that his parents loved his work, in support of his belief that the group’s work reaches more than just students.

However, there was a "clear definition" between the responses of audiences.

"Different audiences laugh in different places" Graham observed, and described how the shows at the end of the week tended to be watched by an older audience with a different take on the piece than their teenage followers.

Although he does not believe that artists should necessarily have to suffer for their passion, he described how Frantic Assembly did. They set themselves up as a small business

The show, which ‘peeps’ at the lives of the inhabitants of four bedrooms, aims to emulate a sense of the “private moment captured” attending seminars with plumbers, making sure that they could survive as a company.

Although it left them in a similar financial situation to students, Graham said that this period was "harder than being a student as there was no time for leisure."

With their success in theatre, Graham described how Frantic Assembly were "dying to have a go" at making a film next. It seems like a form Frantic Assembly could work well with, as their use of cinematic techniques in Peepshow proves.

Producing a film would also give Graham a well-earned break from his rigorous touring schedule which, despite all of his

Peepshow 29th October- 2nd November Courtyard Theatre, West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds

M

idway through award-winning theatre company Frantic Assembly's new production Peepshow, Sharon and Ben writhe sensuously on their bed as the richly orchestrated soundtrack from ambient group Lamb swells to another climax.

Suddenly, with magician-like sleight of hand, Ben's place is taken by Richard from the posh couple downstairs, who appears through a concealed hatch as Ben slips away, simultaneously playing out Sharon's fantasy and Ben's insecurity about their neighbour.

This is 'physical theatre' and there are no rules. Just think of the surreal fantasy interludes that Ally McBeal has brought to the TV comedy. Within the constraints of the theatre, Peepshow pushes the generic envelope with the same open-mindedness.

Our subjects are seven inhabitants of a London tower block and the audience is in the block opposite with a telescope and far too much time on its hands. Nobody is having much fun in this part of the building, where themes of urban isolation and the elusiveness of intimacy link the occupants of four tiny flats.

This soap opera of daily life is pungently, almost claustrophobically real: the physical presence of performers who may shower, shout, shag or do press-ups at any moment is inescapable.

When Steps-esque dance routines, choreographed insomnia and sing-alongs with the soundtrack inspired by the Paul Thomas Anderson film Magnolia, are added to the blend, the result is a striking visual spectacle. Striking, but ultimately unsatisfying.

The stylized elements of Peepshow were overplayed to the detriment of the drama. Magnolia's cast sing-along was memorably effective because it came in a single startling scene. Peepshow uses such techniques so frequently that the traditional staples of character development and dramatic tension are inhibited.

This is partly deliberate, since Frantic Assembly openly confirms its inspiration from bite-size pop videos in its search for audiences from the MTV generation.

However, the muted response from last night's youthful crowd suggested that this generation isn't ready to lose the

REVIEW Larkin With Women

"4

.30 on Sunday- the asshole of the week. Too late for lunch-time wine, too early for 6 o'clock gin."

This is the complaint of Philip Larkin: poet, librarian, serial womaniser and moaner.

And how he could complain.

Christopher Mchallem was brilliantly cast as Philip Larkin, delivering hilariously scathing and sarcastic comments with a deadpan tone and expression. Larkin's personality shines through in this portrayal which is witty, thoughtful and full of complexities.

Larkin has been described as the 'Don Juan of Hull', a surprising title and yet one which seems curiously apt when watching Larkin with Women. It is his bed that lies under the spotlight throughout the play, both literally and metaphorically.

Larkin proves himself to be a bit of a nymphomaniac, hiding porn magazines in his desk drawer which his secretary Betty (Carolyn Pickles) later finds. Of course, he eventually sleeps with her.

His other lovers are Monica Jones (Sally George) and Maeve Brennan (Gilly Tompkins). The former is portrayed as the love of his life, the woman he turns to as

3 - 26th October West Yorkshire Playhouse, Leeds he is dying from cancer, having previously rejected any real form of commitment.

The latter is one of his librarians; a devout Catholic who he has an affair with for over 20 years and eventually defiles at the tender age of 46.

When researching and writing the play, Ben Brown spoke to these three women who played such a major role in Philip Larkin's life. And it shows. The actresses manage to portray their completely individual characters, all of them succeeding in creating an on-stage chemistry with Larkin in their separate ways.

Brown commented that 'each appealed to different aspects of Larkin's personality', which is evident in the careful direction and acting.

Larkin's dirty sense of humour, which helps to make his poetry so individual, shines through in one scene, during a particularly interesting game with Monica and an Iris Murdoch novel. Only here could 'Chapter Ten' be rewritten as 'I fuck my stenographer'.

Jazz and Larkin's poetry are used effectively between scenes to provide contrast and depth to the prose of the play.

However, there was a slight problem with

continuity. Midway through the first half, Larkin dons a hearing aid between scenes with no explanation. This subsequently raises a laugh from the audience as he announces that he has been with Maeve for 15 years.

The second half provided a significant change in mood, and while the first half was memorable due to the sheer amount of genuinely amusing lines, post-interval created a divide.

Larkin's preoccupation with death shows through, as he becomes increasingly obsessed with his own mortality, leaving a surprisingly depressing and chilling ending to the play.

The bed that had signified his life (and rather excessive loving) in the first half, becomes a drab hospital bed in the second.

It is significant that this is the only time that he is actually shown in it, preferring the comforts of a rather lumpy looking sofa for his nocturnal intrigues with Monica at the beginning.

The four-person cast coped excellently with the increasingly demanding script.

They display individual strengths, and the ability to function together to portray a hopelessly divided, yet incredibly intimate group, which was linked together for over 30 years.

(Louise Burns)

WIN!

To To celebrate celebrate the the success success of of Peepshow Peepshow at at the the West West Yorkshire Yorkshire Playhouse, Playhouse, Vision Vision is is giving giving away... away...

2 special-edition copies of Lamb’s ‘What sound’

To To win win yourself yourself a a copy copy of of this this stunning stunning album album (as (as featured featured on on the the Peepshow Peepshow soundtrack) soundtrack) complete complete the the line line of of this this well well known known nursery nursery rhyme: rhyme: ‘Mary ‘Mary had had a a little.....’ little.....’

Email Email answers answers to: to: competitions@vision.york.ac.uk competitions@vision.york.ac.uk

12/11/02 YORK VISION

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

BOOKS 29

REVIEWS

What Men Want

With chapter headings as good as ‘The Fine Art of Skirt-Lifting’, ‘Vulva Speak’, and ‘Twisting the Tiger’, how could the Vision Books team resist Olivia St. Claire’s new manual 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed? We asked a selection of male and female students for their views on this ‘specialist’ publication.

Are You My Mother?

S

ome people might find it uncomfortably anti-feminist, others might simply find it refreshingly candid to be told that yes, you absolutely have to swallow because it's 'every man's fantasy and the ultimate act of penis worship.'

After all, this is about what men want- but then the snag is we already know. Whilst 'do not under any circumstances wear tights' might be a timely seasonal reminder, do we really need a survey of call girls to inform us that matching underwear is better?

The things we don't know are the things we don't need to know. If a man, mid-sex, screams out "Yellow Light", for instance, this is apparently code for "Wait. It's almost too much.

Let's talk.." But like that's ever going to happen.

Where the book is fairly unique is in dealing with and encouraging exploration of both rape fantasies and anal sex- and here it does show a pretty good awareness of the male psyche, reminding us that, when you've got your tongue up his anus, you should simultaneously caress his penis in order to 'keep him secure in his masculinity.'

Suggestions such as 'Design a love altar together' and 'Invite him to create an outline for a book of adventure starring the two of you', on the other hand, seem more geared to keeping a tiresome toddler occupied than to turning men on. (Isobel Todd)

TALKING DIRTY It’s not easy writing a book with the word penis in every sentence. Here’s a selection of our author’s most imaginative euphemisms.

Golden Scepter of Love Lizard King Eager Rabbit Rumbling Train Fleshy Spear Lovely Lance Celestial Dragon Wand of Light Voluptuous Velociraptor

W

hat kind of person would want to buy Olivia St Claire's bluntly titled 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed? (Blokes I challenge you to get this for your girlfriend without making it an insult.)

In a mere 198 pages, Ms St. Claire serves up a potent mixture of 'erotic' advice, sexy scenarios and more euphemisms for genitalia than you can shake your "impudent weapon" at.

Although stimulating, and often hilarious, this book is incredibly phallocentric and reads like a bad Mills and Boon novel. Ribald rude-

Louise Voss Bantam Press (£10.99) eading like a 'real life story' from a magazine, Louise Voss' second novel Are You My Mother is not a book I would recommend.

The novel was cluttered as it attempted to deal with too many issues at once. Voss should have focused on her central theme of adoption during Emma Victor's hunt to find her natural mother.

Instead the search was interrupted by several other dramatic storylines: a sexual attack, Emma's struggle to bring up her sister alone at the age of nineteen after the death of her adoptive parents, cheating partners and even a relationship with an orangutan named Betsey. The vast number of issues tackled changed a plot that could have been poignant into a farce.

The novel is narrated in the first person by Emma, who is a descendent of the school of Bridget Jones'. Emma is constantly worrying about being old and single and, like her predecessor , makes complaints such as "I suddenly couldn't bear the thought of staying in, yet again waiting for the phone not to ring" and "I decided that, in all likelihood, I was never going to have children". This whining voice becomes tedious at times, as does the very slow-moving plot.

However, like all good magazine stories, there is a happy ending. The hunt comes with positive results (which I won't give away) and leads Emma to finding her dream man.

After doing a lot of research into adoption, Voss has tried to tackle the subject sensitively.

This causes an overly earnest approach and, if Voss had relaxed more, the novel would have improved. Her talent does show in her ability to write humorous episodes, such as the birth of a child during an aqua fit class, but with such serious themes, it is difficult for this humour to be utilized.

Voss is an ex member of the music industry and this perhaps explains her nervousness in another field. She seems constantly to be trying too hard and the result is a very long, predictable and often very moralistic novel.

(Cathy Baldwin)

R

ness without the romance? Bang on!

(Jonathan Bray)

F

licking through 302 Advanced Techniques for Driving a Man Wild in Bed I didn't expect to be shocked and thought that most of the techniques would prove familiar and useful.

I do however have certain qualms regarding St. Claire's suggestion of inserting "a moistened Alka Seltzer in your love tunnel". Strange to say that this is not my preferred hangover cure.

The "Sumerean Tease" looked interesting, if a little intricate as it shows how to be a temptress, inflicting "slow torture" on his "magic wand". Any book containing a whole chapter entitled "Phallus Worship" seems a bit extreme. But it would have spiced up sex education at school no end!

(Rachel Stott)

and say to yourself 'I will not gag.'

Then tap your right temple, saying 'There is no reason for me to gag."

2pm - 4pm: Recovery time - tea and biscuits (choco-hobnobs anyone?)

4pm - 8pm: "Fire and Ice: “Hot rod and cold tongue make a scintillating combo. Melt a piece of ice in your mouth, then swallow him up. If you want to cause real havoc, wait to ice his balls until just before he's ready to spout. Be ready for an exciting eruption!"

8pm: Finish off day with a hearty meal (spotted dick for afters of course, mmm...)

....Could a day be better spent?

Start lobbying your members of parliament as a matter of urgency now

8am - 9am: Find strapping young male willing to have his phallus worshiped for the day.

9am - 2pm: "The Gag and Swallow Challenge: "Practice these couple of tricks until you've mastered control of that nasty gag reflex: Prior to insertion, tap your left temple with your fingers

B

eing fairly well versed in instructional books of this variety, I skipped the preamble of the first five chapters and went straight to the good stuff - an area that constitutes entirely new territory for me: "Phallus Worship".

I've always believed quite passionately that if any part of the male anatomy deserves a day of the year devoted solely to its nation-wide worship, it's the phallus. '302 Advanced Techniques…' doesn't go quite so far as to insist that it should become a recognized yearly event, but it does provide a fascinating insight into just what the agenda of such a historic day might involve.

Here's one possible plan, with Olivia St. Claire as our guide - pay attention now ladies…

Y

Lily Prior Black Swan (£6.99) ordes of writers have been captivated and inspired by Italy, and Prior is no exception. In Nectar, she reveals a deep affection and thorough knowledge of all things Italian.

The wonderful food, the rural beauty, the urban bustle... everything is included. And most importantly, so are the people themselves, living up to their reputation for extreme ardour and volatility mixed with a generous dash of quasi-religious superstition.

The story is fast-paced, taking us through events in the life of Ramona Drottoveo, an albino who we first meet working on a country estate. Despite her strange appearance, she's got men quite literally begging for her because of her irresistible smell. (The book's full of sex, but what do you expect?

This is life, and Italy, after all).

From the very start we are cantered relentlessly on to the next event: marriage, adultery, suicide, exile, adventure, madness, birth, abandonment, destitution and a prodigal return all take place within a few months.

Prior seems to aspire to the gently satirical omniscient voice and magic realism of Louis de Bernieres' novels, but frequently falls short, succeeding only in creating a somewhat patronising tone which makes it even harder to sympathise with the two-dimensional characters and scenarios.

Though some elements running through Nectar seem to hint at deeper themes - mortality, ephemeral youth and the complexities of mother-daughter relationships for example - they are more thoughts briefly brushed over than issues addressed.

But there's no reason to assume that Prior had any intention of creating characters or a novel of any depth; given the fantastical series of events, there's no time or need to go into detail.

In fact, the story resembles nothing so much as one of the operas in which Ramona so desperately wants to star: melodramatic, extravagant, and preoccupied with fate, it is above all entertaining.

(Becky Palmer)

H

POETRY CORNER

guys; with a little effort, we can real-

ou’ve bombarded the Vision office with mailbag after mailbag of entries and our inbox is now jammed to well beyond melting point.

But after much heated debate late into the night, the Poetry Corner Committee have finally come to a decision...

Congratulations to second year English undergraduate Hazel Maskell; her moving entry ‘Storm’ has been plucked from amongst the masses for this issue’s Poetry Corner.

If you would like your poems or short prose-poetry to be considered for next issue’s Poetry Corner, e-mail them to books@vision.york.ac.uk

Nectar

STORM Outside my window, a war is being waged.

The tree branches turned black, the sky glows grey, A slotted sea falls. It’s more night than day And flashes light the howling tempest's rage.

So why this ache, when watching the fraught, Edgy wind, and the dancing leaves, And the gusty wind that hums and heaves, Of belonging? Maybe it’s the thought That this forms a link with ages gone, With all we are and ever were.

Perhaps it’s all that holds us together Our helplessness when clouds cover the sun.

Hazel Maskell

30 SPORT

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

YORK VISION 12/11/02

CITY GUIDE: INTRODUCING THE

PREMIER IN FOUR YEARS FOR those of you who have any preconceptions or questions about your new local term — York City — here are a few truths.

'I know nothing about York City apart from that they're rubbish’ Contrary to popular belief York City are a good team to watch, they may not be high flyers or the most skilful players in the world but they are passionate. They are not driven by money, but by a love for the club.

It is rare to find players who care as much as the supporters but this is the case on the turf at Bootham.

'But they're in the Third Division!’

Ah, but not for long my fair-weather glory supporting friends! All you Man United fans can start supporting City (York that is) without fear of failure.

In March, John Batchelor (touring car driver and team owner) for some reason thought it would be a great idea to buy a stricken football club struggling to survive in division three, call it a soccer club, change the crest, build a new stadium and throw in some loose change he had in his pocket (running into millions). Thus the new York City was born.

With former AC Milan and Watford striker Luther Blisset on the coaching side and a man with such determination, ambition, shrewd business sense and of course money behind the scenes, we can't fail! 'Premiership in four years' reckons Batchelor, and who's going to

FACTFILE

Nickname: Formed: Ground: Chairman: Manager: Captain: Best Player:

The Minstermen 1922 Bootham Crescent John Batchelor Terry Dolan Chris Brass 'Super' Alan Fettis

BY JONNY MORGAN

argue with confidence like that?

'Fair enough but what about the players?'

Try this for size - Northern Ireland goalkeeping legend (Super) Alan Fettis between the sticks, ex-Burnley captain Chris Brass leading by example with passion and midfield dominance, exQPR goal machine Lee Nogan and exNewcastle and Ipswich front man Alex Mathie leading the line.

On the books last season were England U-20 goalkeeper Russell Howarth, kept out of the side by the mighty Fettis, and Sunderland striker Michael Proctor. Going further back before the arrival of Chris Brass none other than ex-Sunderland man Steve Agnew was captain and a great one he was too.

As well as some sort of lure to big players, for the Third Division at least, York also has a good youth system having produced players such as Howarth, and Jonathan Greening, now at Middlesborough having gone from York via Manchester United. This success is set to get even better with the arrival of Batchelor.

Bootham Crescent: The true theatre of dreams Mascot: Yorkie the Lion Last Year: 14th Famous names: Luther Blissett (coach), Alex Mathie (forward) Ex-players: Steve Agnew (ex-

Sunderland),

Jonathan Greening

(Middlesborough) Useful info: York City almost folded

'I can't afford it' Rubbish! You have a Student Loan don't you? It's only £8 for a student in the terrace, The David Longhurst Stand, which is recommended for the best atmosphere and is well worth it.

Plus it's only home games every other week so that works out at just over 57p a day so you'd better think up a better excuse than that!

'I don't know where it is' At the Main front door of the Minster face away from it, there is a street with a red café on the corner. Go down the street and through the arch follow the pavement on the right to the traffic lights between a barbers on this side and a bookies on the other.

Over the lights and down the main street with the bookies on your right. This is Bootham. Walk about five minutes down Bootham, past the Bootham Tavern (good for a pre and post match pint), past the Churchill Hotel. If you are lucky you may see people in red shirts, follow them.

If not, when you see the Grange hotel over the road on your left, turn right at the newsagents. This is Bootham Crescent. Walk all the way down this road and you will see the ground. Alternatively, get a taxi.

The Club shop is on your left as you walk in, and the turnstiles for the David Longhurst Stand are straight ahead. There is a specific one for students to the right so don't forget your NUS otherwise it's a tenner. in March this year but were saved by new Chairman John Batchelor.

Main rivals: Scarborough Other rivals: Darlington, Hartlepool Hull Contact: 0870 777 1922 Website: www.ycfc.net Next fixture: Swansea City (home) Saturday November 16 FA Cup 1st rd

Leading with passion: Chris Brass (right)

City snippets YORK IN FREEFALL

THE promising early seasonform has disappeared in recent weeks, with City only chalking up one win in the last eight games. But, although in 14th, they are only four points from a play-off spot.

n

SWANSEA TO CARDIFF? trail n THE Millennium

to the Stadium begins on Saturday with Third Division rivals Swansea City coming to Bootham Crescent in the

first round of the competition. The Minstermen will be hoping to repeat last season’s display where they reached the fourth round and a tie against Premiership high-flyers Fulham.

KEEPER LEAVES CLUB

ENGLAND international goaln keeper Russell Howarth has been sold to Tranmere Rovers. After months of speculation and try-outs at other clubs, York’s reserve ‘keeper has finally agreed terms at the second division outfit. The fee was described as a five figure sum.

NEXT ISSUE: Exclusive interview with City supremo John Batchelor DRASTIC measures to combat foul play in college football have been averted — for the time being at least.

The AU have rushed through the introduction of sin bins after disciplinary problems exacerbated.

The proposal, put to members of the AU and college sports reps by the College Sport Working Panel was led by referee co-ordinator Tony Clark-Jones.

He stressed that the reason for the proposed change was due to University Admin and not the AU. However, the Union were in agreement that something had to be done to make college football safer.

Had the proposal been introduced as planned, a yellow card would have meant an automatic 10 minute sin bin, plus the usual caution.

It was argued that this would mean punishing a play-

Yellow peril as soccer cheats face sin bin er four times for a minor offence, a free-kick to the opposition, a yellow card for the player, points deducted from the fair play league and a ten minute suspension from the match.

The ideas were put forward before there were referees available. But with officials now in place, and a fair play league set up for this season, there seems less need for other measures to be brought in.

The discussion led to a compromise, with the final decision being the strict implementation of suspensions for persistent offenders.

It was decided that realistically, the only way this could

be done would be by utilising the recently employed referees and having captains submit a team sheet to the ref before each match.

These will be included in the referee’s report which will then be reviewed by the AU and bans will be handed out where appropriate.

A one match ban will be given to any player picking up three yellow cards in a term, or four yellow cards over two terms.

The possibility of fining players will be left open for debate but will not be discussed until next term leaving time to assess whether or not the new proposal works.

NEW BALL GAME .. WASPS STUNG, KNIGHTS REIGN

WHEN York Wasps folded last March 134 years of professional rugby league in the city came t o an end. The last minute rescue package was too little, too late and hopes of reviving the club grew less.

The desire for a Rugby League club in the city however was still apparent and in August, a new club in York was accepted into the National League.

York City Knights RLFC will join the Division Two from March. This is the bottom division of the three-tier professional league system, which incorporates the Super League at the top.

The RFL’s estimate of the bare minimum required to run a side at that level for six months is £75,000. This meant that there was just one month to raise the cash and incredibly the club reached the target just one day before the deadline.

The aim was then set by the club to raise

BY JONNY MORGAN

£250,000 by the beginning of March, the start of the new season, which would be sufficient to provide a side capable of competing and finishing in a position of mid table or above.

Fans were told that the quarter of £1million would come from a thousand people paying £250 a year, or the equivalent of just five pounds a week.

In return they would get a free season ticket for an adult and a child at Huntington Stadium plus other benefits.

Through fundraising, donations and a handy £5,000 from Tadcaster brewers John Smiths, the total now stands at more than £77,000.

The club’s name, chosen in a fans’ vote, emphasises York's regal status and a sense of its glorious history, according to chairman Steve Ferres. It also acts as a permanent reminder that the fans had proved to be the club’s ‘white knights'.

12/11/02 YORK VISION Feeling sporty and stuck for something to do? JOHN HYDE comes up with a few suggestions and Yearsley Pool.

The Barbican Centre also houses a climbing wall and an impressive gym dealing mainly with cardio-vascular work, whilst Emperors Gym is also popular with students aiming to get bigger than Arnie.

Parks in the city offer an eclectic mix of the genteel and frenetic. Hull Road Park has both bowling greens and a BMX track and so caters for sports people of all ages.

Park rangers organise events at the BMX track, but its use is free and it is open whenever the park is.

West Bank Park has bowling, tennis and a young children's play area as well as a woodland walk for those seeking a little peace.

For those with the golf bug or even complete novices, the York Golf Centre in Skelton (take the number 27 bus from campus) comes highly recommended.

A challenging but favourable 9-hole course, the centre provides club hire, requires no dress code and is manned by a remarkably amiable old gentleman.

Friendly welcomes are also guaranteed at Cue Ball, James Street, which houses several well-kept snooker and pool tables and also boasts an excellent bar and tasty sandwiches.

York Megabowl is situated opposite Ikon and Diva at Clifton Moor to satisfy your ten pin bowling itch. With an NUS card, you can get a game for £1.50.

The message is clear: York is so much more

WITH Freshers’ Week now a distant and rather hazy memory, it is just possible that you may have grown bored by all that the student lifestyle has to offer

Of course, Bargain Hunt, dreary Indie music and wearing silly baggy clothes must continue to be high on the list of priorities of every serious student.

However, for those amongst us who enjoy an active lifestyle, this fine city boasts an impressive selection of activities available off campus. Those in need of a football fix or perhaps a cure for amnesia should head down to Bootham Crescent, home of York City.

The Minstermen serve as an excellent second club and for once may even provide us with a long-awaited promotion challenge after years of under-achievement.

NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

FITTER FRESHERS

Rugby fans of both codes are also spoilt for choice.

York Knights are the newly formed rugby league team, coming in the wake of the disbanding of predecessors York Wasps.

With new backers and a passionate fanbase, the Huntingdon Stadium outfit look forward to a bright future.

Based at Clifton Park Sports Complex, York Rugby Union Club are also worth a look.

For Cricket enthusiasts, Leeds’ Headingley ground is only a short trainride away.

Next summer will be a real treat with the opportunity to see England matches against Zimbabwe and South Africa respectively as well as the chance to see Yorkshire’s attempt to bounce straight back into the first division after relegation this

season.

York will once again be hosting UK Snooker Championships at the Barbican Centre.

The event, starting on December 2 will feature the best players in the world and in particular Ronnie O’Sullivan, who defends his title.

Most famous of all local facilities is the York Racecourse.

The first meeting takes place in the spring of next year, and with group discounts as well as buses from campus a visit to the races makes for a cracking day out.

For those of a more active persuasion, there is plenty in and around the city to enjoy.

Swimming pools can be found at the Barbican Centre, Edmund Wilson Pool

Voice in the crowd PETE DANDY T H E DISTURBING resurfacing of racism in football across Europe has raised timely issues, most important being the failure of football authorities to stamp out racial abuse.

Recent events in Slovakia, where England players Emile Heskey and Andy Cole were singled out for abuse by the home crowd because of the colour of their skin, is merely the tip of the iceberg. Eastern Europe, at least in a football context, is growing into a nasty hotbed of racism.

But abuse directed at black players is not confined to Eastern Europe. Heskey was on the receiving end again in Valencia playing for Liverpool, so incensing manager Gerard Houllier that he threatened to bring his team off the pitch, whilst Arsenal’s Thierry Henry was subject to racist jeering in Eindhoven.

UEFA's response to this spate of repugnant incidents has been a ten-point plan. But although their intentions are good, the tiger is ultimately

BETTING

Heskey: the subject of racist abuse in Slovakia and Valencia

ies must get tough with any country that lets racism go on.

Racism at football matches is often lumped together with that other scourge of the game - hooliganism. There are links between the two, but hooliganism is a different problem and should be treated as such.

The misbehaviour of some England fans in Slovakia at the same game racist abuse was hurled by home supporters highlights a blunder on the part of the FA, which is allowing troublemakers to travel.

Football hooliganism in this country has not disappeared, but it is certainly not the norm.

There are thugs hell-bent on causing trouble at England away games. But the FA, in conjunction with the government, must stop these people travelling.

The World Cup highlighted how this could be done and was hugely successful.

The authorities must now work just as hard without the media spotlight to ensure the ugly scenes in Slovakia are not repeated.

York’s Barbican Centre: For all your sporting needs

SUNSET SAM Aussie Ricky Ponting dives for the ball as Marcus Trescothic bats, watched by Adam Gilchrist on

Football hooliganism in this country has not disappeared, but it is certainly not the norm

toothless.

UEFA would do well to look to Britain for solutions. The FA, with organisations such as ‘Kick Racism Out of Football’, have overseen significant improvements in curbing racism in and around grounds, working with clubs and police to ensure perpetrators are caught and prosecuted.

Britain is testament to the progress that can be made — racism still happens but not to the extent of twenty years ago.

The supranational football bod-

SPORT 31

ASHES TO ASHES

HELLO my friends and welcome to another instalment of York's premier gaming column. I must start by apologising to those of you who lost money on Trade Fair who I tipped in the last issue. If it’s any consolation (which it probably won’t be) I lost a significant sum on the horse myself.

My contact in the industry has however attempted to redeem himself by offering another tip for us.

The horse is called Monsignor and will run in a few novice chases around Christmas. He was a former winner at Cheltenham and might be worth an ante-post bet for the Sun Alliance Chase there this year. Let’s hope he can win us some of our money back in style.

Meanwhile, the biggest sporting contest of the winter is under way Down Under. As always, there is a sense of expectation and a desire that ‘maybe this time’ England can do the unthinkable and win back the Ashes in Australia's back yard.

Generations of English children are growing up not knowing what it feels like to be able to remind smug

Aussies that, although they may have the best rugby, swimming and boomerang teams in the world, we hold the Ashes. So what do the bookmakers say?

Well, rather unfortunately for the average English child the bookies believe we are going to get pasted.

Australia are an incredible 1/9 (£10 profit for every £90 wagered) to win the series with England out at 12/1 and the draw making up the difference at 15/2.

Prices for the series score are available, ranging from a repeat of last times 3-1 Australia (11/2 favourite) to an improbable 5-0 England (500-1). If you fancy England can I suggest a final scoreline of 2-1 (401) whilst Adam Gilchrist to be the series leading run scorer at 10-1 looks attractive. If you really can't predict what's going to happen, take England to win at least one Test at 13/8.

Any England victory, all be it belated, will therefore improve your bank balance as well as your spirits.

Until next time…

Lacrosse girls fight to keep 100pc run

BY THOM WOOD YORK Women’s Lacrosse team secured their second consecutive victory in the BUSA Northern league on Wednesday October 30 with a hard fought 9-4 win over Sheffield.

The previous week had seen a comfortable 14-6 victory against Lancaster, but captain Bethany Gray was aware that Sheffield were “considerably stronger than Lancaster” and that they had to be at their best.

The match was played in York because Sheffield were unable to provide a pitch and York quickly made this advantage pay, racing into a 4-1 lead, before a late Sheffield goal left the match balanced 4-2 in York’s favour at half time.

Sheffield were missing two England players and their remaining national players were unable to stop York taking four early second half goals to go into a commanding lead of 8-2.

Sheffield arrived at the match one player down, meaning a York player had to play for the opposition, but this didn’t deter York. Despite letting in two late goals they finished the match with the much deserved five-goal advantage.

York captain and England star Bethany Gray was encouraged with the teams performance: “I was pleased at the way the team responded to our training sessions and kept their concentration throughout.

“We have five or six promising Freshers, which both Sheffield and Lancaster are lacking, and this bodes well for the coming season.”

This was a well earnt victory for York in cold Autumn conditions and it also meant that they take an early lead in the BUSA league, a notable achievement in only their first season in the league.

Halifax race ahead IT is all change at the top of the college sport table as the first term gets into full gear.

Halifax, the biggest college, lead the way with 59 points after impressive performances in table tennis, squash and netball in particular.

They remain one point above last year’s runners-up James, who again look like they will pose a serious title challenge.

Goodricke, perennial college champions, languish in an unfamiliar mid-table position with only 42.

Some things never change, however, as Derwent once again look odds on for the wooden spoon. Having amassed just 26 points before last weekend, they are already five points behind second-bottom Alcuin.

City Watch guide to Minstermen

VISION SPORT TUESDAY NOVEMBER 12 2002

ISSUE 141

KENNEDY LIFT OFF James’ 13 rescues York

STUCK IN: York, in yellow, battle it out in the tense Bradford-encounter

York 1st’s ........ 13 Bradford 1st’s .. 10

BY TOM ADAMS YORK turned round a seven-point Bradford half-time advantage into 13-10 victory to stay top of the Northern League 2B. James Kennedy proved to be York’s saviour, accumulating all 13 points in last Wednesday’s scrappy come-back.

However, the great game of rugby that this promised to be never really materialised as York ground out a relatively uninspiring win.

York started slowly, conceding a try within 15 minutes, and although having sustained periods of possession and showing obvious commitment they ultimately lacked penetration.

A scrappy first half was almost rescued by a fine 35-yard penalty kick from James Kennedy but the initiative was lost again when York gave away a penalty directly in front of the posts just before half time, the inevitable conversion gave Bradford a 10-3 advantage.

After the break York stepped up a gear and prevented Bradford from making any further impact on the game.

Early in the second period, Kennedy converted another penalty and winger Olly Hawkins frequently troubled the Bradford defence with his pacy, incisive running.

Indeed it was this that led to York’s only try.

Hawkins sprinted down the left wing only to be

caught by the Bradford fullback with a strong tackle.

As play was switched to the opposite side of the pitch, York reaped the rewards for their continuing effort as Kennedy broke free and scored to put York ahead.

However this was by no means a one man show, and other players singled out for praise included Jack Hughes at centre and Jared Williams at flanker who both played prominent roles in the second half.

UYRUFC

Despite a good recovery, the team’s frustration with the overall performance was evident as tempers reached boiling point when a minor scuffle broke out on the touchline towards the end of the game.

Captain Ben Rix echoed this frustration telling Vision: “When it’s a scrappy game it gets everyone down”. It was clear to see that York performed somewhat below their potential.

Nevertheless Rix was right to cast a positive light on the match and continued: “This was the

hardest game we will have this season, it gets better and better as we go along.”

York showed themselves to be able to grind out a result under pressure, and to be capable of beating the one of the best teams in their league whilst performing below their best.

This clearly bodes well for what should ultimately be a successful season for the club, with promotion an easily achievable aim.

York remain top of the Northern League 2B with their 100pc record in-tact after three matches.

1ST XV 20 Nov ‘02 YORK 1st v Sunderland 1st 29 Jan ‘03 YORK 1st v Lincoln Hull 1st 12 Feb ‘03 YORK 1st v Huddersfield 1st

2ND XV 13 Nov ‘02 YORK 2nd v Leeds Met 2nd 5 Feb ‘03 YORK 2nd v Leeds Met 2nd

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