Issue 179

NOMINATED: GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR 2009

TUESDAY October 27th, 2009

ISSUE 201

vision@yusu.org

! GOLD CARD N I W GALLERY & TRU - WEBSITE -

PORTER CRISIS

- centre spread-

Jo WWW in the deba te .YORK VISIO @ N.CO. UK

WILL SELF - SCENE -

VISION INVESTIGATION EXPOSES:

UNI'S TOXIC SECRETS Asbestos data suppressed Uni denies FOI scandal

EXCLUSIVE

BY MARTIN WILLIAMS

STUDENTS ARE being kept in the dark over asbestos on campus and Uni bosses are BREAKING LAWS to stop them finding out.

A summer of secrecy saw the

University refuse multiple requests to make its asbestos documents public.

Meanwhile, unawareness of the the lethal substance is making it unlikely for students to report hazards.

FULL STORY: PAGES 4 & 5

PLUS: ARE YORK STUDENTS UNDER ATTACK BY THE BNP? - P3

2NEWS

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

your week NEWS AT A GLANCE

i

HUGE STUDENT OUTCRY OVER "BOTCHED" ECONOMICS EXAM PAPER

S ' R E T H G U A D MY E C R A F A S A W M EXA >ECONOMICS PAPER "WAS A JOKE"

P2

Student outrage at Economics exam paper "full" of errors.

P3

Vision investigation reveals how 42 students have disappeared.

>PARENTS THREATEN DEPARTMENT

Exclusive interview

BY RICHARD BYRNE-SMITH

>PAPER SPARKS OVER 150 COMPLAINTS

victims of Estonian P4-5 with kidnap.

Over 150 second-year students have registered their complaints to the Economics department, labelling a recent exam "a travesty".

The Microeconomics 2 exam, sat by second-year students last Monday, was described by one student as "a joke from start to finish", with a paper "full" of grammatical errors and inconsistencies, and "frequent" interruptions from invigilating staff. Parts of the paper, it has been revealed, were even written in German.

One student told Vision "if this paper brings my average down to a 2:2 I might as well not have done the degree in the first place, and thus my father will have wasted however much it costs for tuition fees, accommodation, books etc."

A Facebook group, urging students to register formal complaints with the department, had topped 100 members by Tuesday afternoon, increasing to over 150 by the end of the week.

The exam, which was the first to count towards the students’ degrees, is said to have frequently misspelled key words, used brackets in an incoherent and confusing way, and included ambiguous lines of questioning, leaving students stumped.

Shockingly, the exam is said to have routinely misspelt "and" as the German "und", leading to bewilderment and surprise by students, who, at a British university, expected the exam paper to be in English. It has been pointed out that this may have caused considerable confusion for overseas students, who could easily have mistaken ‘und’ for a mathematical term.

In addition, it is alleged that invigilating staff interrupted the exam numerous times, including telling students "half an hour before the end" that a section of information should be omitted, causing

Thieves target Ken P6 Milk Batton's fridge students forced to P7 Drunk spend the night in US jail.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK chances " Lancaster's of success? 11 out of 10. " Lancaster AU President, Dave Greenshields Let's prove this smug bastard wrong!

GOOD WEEK bad week GOOD WEEK Louis Wihl

The Alcuin Chair finally managed to persuade the University to turn the lacklustre B. Henry's into a cocktail bar.

bad WEEK Ken Batten The Porters' Crisis boss has had to resort to contacting emergency services to investigate his stolen milk.

the number cruncher Dollars needed to

a Goodricker 1000 bail out of an American jail.

30 26 1

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

Editor: Ben Matthews Percentage of stuLaurie Allsopp dents who have woken Deputy Editors: up next to someone Katie Jacobs they don't recognise.

Managing Editor: Emily Walton

Years since York lost Roses at home Number of broken cables required to cause a Universitywide blackout.

some students to "waste valuable time".

Henry Smith, Chair of the Club of PEP, described the experience as a "debacle", and called for any disappointed students to lodge their complaints with the department.

Last year’s paper is said to have sparked similar criticism, however Smith claims the issues in this year’s paper were "more fundamental".

"It is important not to focus of the exam being hard. The fact is, it was full of errors, and that in itself is cause for complaint," he said.

"We were also informed exams would be consistent with previous years, however mark allocations, when they were actually visible, were disproportionly harder to attain this year by a very significant amount."

Smith also highlighted possible welfare issues, as many students were "completely thrown" in what was their first exam of the term. He suggested that the trauma may have caused a loss in confidence among some students, having a knock-on effect with following exams.

Depending on the department’s response to complaints, one angry student has even suggested that her father will come to York to press her complaint forward. "If the exam brings my grade down, my degree will not be worth the paper it is written on," she said.

Another student, however, claimed the whole situation had been "overblown".

Vision attempted to get hold of a copy of the shoddily-written paper, but a clampdown by Board of Studies reps has meant that any copies smuggled out of the exam by irritated students have been taken out of circulation.

The economics department has said that it is "considering students’ points carefully".

Tobe Scalisbrick Head of IT: Nick Evans News Editors: Lucy Taylor Adam Thorn Deputy News: Lizzy Dale Anna Bevan Comment Editors: Sophie Wright Richard Byrne-Smith Cartoonist: John Sharp

Iain Withers Claudia Stern Emma Barrow Lifestyle Editors: Charlotte Chung Carla Dobson Style Editor: Kat Boyd Deputy Style: Sarah Howe Food and Drink: Post Open Travel Editor: Beth Rudge Deputy Travel: Mike Edwards Sports Editor: Darius Austin Deputy Sports: Lauren Cockbill Alex Richman

Features Editor: Deputy Features:

Proof Readers:

Photo Editor: Deputy Photo: Social Sec:

Kate Mason Deborah Mason Veronique Ward Tom Hole Matthew Grum Charlotte Chung

Call us: 01904 433720 www.yorkvision.co.uk

Opinions expressed in Vision are not necessarily those of the Editors, Senior Editorial Team, membership or advertisers. Every effort is made to ensure all articles are as factually correct as possible at the time of going to press, given the information available.

Copyright Vision Newspapers, 2006.

Vision is printed by York & County Press.

NEWS

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

6 MONTH VISION INVESTIGATION REVEALS YORK'S IMMIGRATION CRISIS

SO WHERE DID ALL THE STUDENTS GO? 42 STUDENTS VANISH

UNI HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY ARE THEY OBTAINED STUDENT VISAS EXCLUSIVE

BY ADAM THORN Blunkett said in a statement, “We must continue to strive to ensure that our immigration system is robust in preventing those without the right to enter or stay on in Britain from bending the rules.” However, today’s revelations are the first time this data has ever been made public.

A university spokesman added: “There has been an upward trend in recent years nationally, reflected to some extent in the University figures. The Government is proposing new regulations linking visas

to study at specific institutions.”

Heslington councillor Ceredig Jamieson-Ball told Vision: “One would hope that the University carried out sufficient checks on prospective students before they were given a place on a course here. However, once overseas students arrive, it is imperative that they are given support, particularly in language skills to enable, them and, if appropriate, their families to integrate into the local and student communities. I would also hope that the University was

able to keep track of its overseas students, if only to provide them with appropriate support.”

In total 322 international students quit their courses in the past three years though many did inform the University. The majority of those that left were undergraduates taught at the university but the problem is still prevalent in postgraduate courses.

The story emerged after a campus staff member broke ranks to tell our source of the scandal – triggering our investigation into immigration. Officials originally played down the significance of the story but documents obtained from the Home Office’s immigration department under the freedom

of information act forced the university to reveal these new figures to Vision.

Last year the university brought in £13,073,000 through overseas students outside the EU – dwarfing the £10m figure received through British Students. Incredibly the figures are a third more than the previous year – highlighting how important foreign students cash is. Last issue, Vision revealed how Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor is set to vist China, India, Japan and the United States in a bid to improve York’s profile in those areas.

However Cantor has yet to issue a statement on today’s revelations.

: S R E B M U N E H T : N IO T A R IMMIG STUDENTS QUIT THEIR 322 COURSE OF THOSE WERE 180 POSTGRADS.... ...WE MADE FROM £13M THEIR FEES

3

YORK BAGS TOP LAWYER

BY ANNA BEVAN

A top environmental lawyer is to become the first ever Head of the York Law School, which will commence teaching next October.

Professor Stuart Bell, who has been praised by Vice Chancellor Brian Cantor, as “an outstanding” lecturer, currently teaches at Nottingham Law School and is a leading researcher in his field.

Cantor is said to be delighted at the recent appointment, exclaiming; “We are fortunate to have attracted someone of Stuart’s calibre. He brings to the University an exceptional record both in terms of academic and professional experience which will be invaluable in helping us realise our ambitious plans.”

The York Law School is the second new department to be created a t

the University t h i s year, followi n g the set up of the Department of Film, Theatre and Television.

Professor Bell has already prioritised building upon the existing strong foundations for legal research within similar departments and is keen to develop “innovative and distinctive undergraduate, postgraduate and professional programmes” for law.

Despite currently being Professor of Environmental Law, Bell is also credited with an academic career writing various books on the subject and editing various Environmental Law Reports. He has also undertaken research projects on behalf of organisations like the Australian Commonwealth Environmental Protection Agency, aimed at increasing public awareness of the science behind environmental problems.

Stop Harpin On...

A fully equipped facility in which students can set up and run businesses has opened at the University of York and received a seal of approval from one of the institution’s most entrepreneurial alumni.

Richard Harpin, founder of the global Homeserve organisation, was guest at the launch of the Centre for Excellence in Teaching and Learning Enterprise (CETLE). Graduating in Economics in 1986, he recalled that he ran his first business as a student at York - a short-lived, but profitable, enterprise selling earrings made from fly-fishing materials.

He told an audience, including the Vice-Chancellor Professor Brian Cantor, staff, students and representatives from a range of business organisations, how it had given him a taste for future ventures, though not dependent on 80s fashion fads!

Richard Harpin even provided a flight around campus in his helicopter for the three winners of an impromptu Dragons’ Denstyle competition.

4NEWS

student press We read them...so you don't have to

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

KIDNAPPED STUDENT COUPLE THROWN IN BACK OF VAN FOR 5 HOURS...

Bacon Butty Quest Food scientists at Leeds University have spent 1,000 hours creating a formula for the ‘perfect’ bacon butty, writes the Leeds Student.

The research included trials on over 700 different variations of the popular sandwich, which involved an assortment of streaky, smoked and unsmoked bacon, various cooking methods and the use of numerous types of oils.

After months spent deliberating optimum texture and crunchiness, researchers believe they have come up with the ideal formula in: N = C+(fb(cm).fb(tc))+fb(Ts)+fc.ta.

However, students requiring the perfect hang-over fix may prefer to leave the science alone when reaching for their favourite sauce to accompany the snack.

Rower Rage An Oxford rower is being fined for damages caused when he drunkenly attacked an antique door after being refused admittance to his College Ball.

The Cherwell reports how the undergraduate lost control and had to be removed from the premises by bouncers after he also assaulted the Assistant Bursar of Exeter College.

In his defense the student stressed that he had been provoked by staff and only lashed out as a result of his “unfair treatment”, he later admitted that his actions may have been “a bit out of order”.

Let’s just hope that the cost of a new door doesn’t incite a repeat performance.

WHAT A BOMBER Police were called in to cordon off an area of Sheffield University after a suspected bomb was delivered, states Sheffield Steel.

The contents, which turned out to be leaflets rather than explosive devices, had been sent by an animal rights group.

On instruction from Police the whole building was evacuated, however on a closer inspection the “suspicious package” was considered to be non-threatening and undergraduates were allowed back on central campus.

This extreme level of caution may explain why Sheffield University students are missing so much of their mail.

Pizza Muggers Four Bath University students had their pizza stolen by three men following a night out in the city centre, Student Impact reports.

The mugging occurred in the early hours of the morning as the girls, who had stopped off for an extra large pizza with jalapenos, made their way home.

Despite chasing the thieves in various directions and hitting one of them with a stiletto, the victims were unable to retrieve their food and were left feeling “terrified”.

However, on returning to Perfect Pizza staff sympathized with the females’ ordeal and offered to restart the ovens to create a similar feast free of charge.

BY LIZZY DALE Four York students are now recovering from a horrific holiday ordeal after they were kidnapped, taken to a forest and mugged of all their belongings.

“It was terrifying. I can’t believe it happened to us, it’s the sort of thing you read in the news but never expect it to happen to you” said Charlotte Bisland, the only female student taken hostage.

After getting in a car, which the students thought was a taxi, the four friends, Charlotte Bisland, Dan Meredith, Tom Oldridge and Chris Louis soon found that they were locked in and being driven outside the city of Tallinn.

“I feel really stupid looking back because there were four people on the back seat and then two men in the front. The scariest thing was I remember thinking there’s no way four of us can get on the backseat of this taxi and I said to the boys - “I cant get in lets go to another taxi, I really don’t think we should get in.”

I don’t know why we got in the car; it’s all a bit hazy.”

The car drove for more than twenty minutes to a derelict building site in the middle of a forest, which the Tallinn Police have now managed to locate.“ We had been driving for a while and then I realised we shouldn’t be going this far out of the city, as out backpackers hostel was only ten minutes from the bars we’d been at. So I turned to Dan and mentioned that we’d been driving for a while and that I didn’t think we were going where we were meant to be going. So we told them to take us to the hostel, but they didn’t respond. That’s when alarm bells started ringing in my head – as I realised I couldn’t see a taxi meter. I remember reading in my guidebook that all taxis had to have a meter. At this point I just got hysterical – I suddenly realised we were in trouble.”

“When we got to some traffic lights, we opened the car door to get out, Dan was screaming, “Get out, get out, we have to get out.” but because the other two boys were half asleep we couldn’t get out in time. The men were shouting at us to shut the door, but when we did, they got really angry and dropped the locks. They kept yelling “Calm that girl down.” I just got more and more hysterical, I was crying and screaming.”

The car drove at high speed and veered into a forest. The Police now believe the kidnappers were Russians coming over the boarder to steal money. As of late it has been only a small problem in Tallinn. The Police claim that there have been no reports of kidnapping in the past two years.

They kept yelling “Calm that girl down.” I just got more and more hysterical, I was crying and screaming.”

The victims offered there money and pleaded not to be hurt. “They knew exactly what they were doing and where they were going” said Charlotte, “When they stopped the car, they separated me from the boys. I felt so intimidated. I thought why am I being taken away, why are the boys being kept together. I was thinking of all the worst case scenarios, I wondered if we were being taken hostage for something, or whether they were going to attack me.”

The three male students were

made to get down on their knees and put their hands behind their heads. One of the kidnappers took a crowbar from the boot of the car and tapped the students on the back of their necks with it. “It was obviously a power thing because you know that’s a terrifying thing to make someone do” said Charlotte.

The men demanded all their money and valuable possessions and proceeded to frisk them. “Because it was our first night in Estonia, we had everything on us, all our money, debit cards, mobile phones,

passports and digital camera’s.” said Dan Meredith.

The kidnappers stole £200 in cash, two wallets, three mobile phones and a digital camera, but left them with their passports. Charlotte kept her money and mobile on the inside of her jacket, which the kidnappers did not manage to find.

“In that situation you don’t know how far they’re going to go, so I thought if your going to attack me then I’m not just going to give up my money to you that easily.

YORK VISION

IN ESTONIA

Tuesday May 1, 2007

...THEN FLEECED OF THEIR BELONGINGS AND LEFT IN A FOREST

Scenes of Horror: Above (top): the injuries to dan Above (bottom): Friends posing before the kidnap Right: Estonia by day

It was really risky because they could have done anything” remarked Charlotte “Looking back I wonder if they didn’t take my money because they didn’t want to mug a girl, just because they didn’t make me go down on the floor.”

The two men made a quick escape, leaving the students in the middle of the forest. They rang 999 in hope of getting through to the Police, but when they did, the Police refused to help them as they did not know where they were. The area is known for its lack of road signs even though it is the central road outside of Tallinn.

“It just seemed like it was a bad mugging. I still wonder why we got in the car in the first place; we are all so confused why we got in the taxi with two men. We were very friendly with the locals in the bars that night, making friends with them and chatting – so I wonder if we had met the kidnappers before – as if they had seen that we were quite trusting.”

In fear that the kidnappers would return, the four students kept to the forest rather than walking down the dirt track. After walking for over two and a half hours, Tom Oldridge, a third year linguistics student,

twisted his ankle in three places, which made walking impossible.

The students were forced to trust passing cars and tried to hitch hike a lift. Later, a bus passed and helped them back into the city. The students believe they got in the taxi at around 12pm. They returned to their hostel and 6.30am.

“I was in shock. I kept thinking this just doesn’t happen to us. They knew we were English, I’m sure we were targeted, “mentions Dan.” “I wouldn’t say we were drunk than just a normal night out – but everything is really hazy- I think I just blanked

out with fear. I remember clearly what the two men look like. The driver didn’t talk at all he was just silent, but the other man was friendly and was chatting to us at first. The driver was so intimidating, well built and muscular in leather clothes.”

The Home Office website states that there is a growing problem of Brits boozing in Tallinn, “A negative image of the British in Estonia affects relations with the locals.” Before the recent riots by Russians over the removal of a Soviet war statue in the capital, the crime rate in Tallinn was relatively low according to Lone-

NEWS

5

York Carbon Footprint: as measured in polar bears New research at the University of York has revealed that the average carbon-dioxide emission for each Yorkshire resident is a staggering 2.7 tonnes - the equilivent of five fully grown polar bears.

The research, which was carried out at the university's Stockholm Environmental Institute, an international environment and development institute, discovered that 23 per cent of the Yorkshire dweller's carbon footprint is caused by regional transport, the fastest growing source of carbon dioxide in the UK today. Of the 2.7 tonnes each Yorkshire resident produces in the region, car use represents 57 per cent (1.5 tonnes) while air travel represents 17 per cent (0.4 tonnes) and public transport 11 per cent (0.3 tonnes). Dr Gary Haq, one of the researchers involved, warned that, "We all need to rethink how we travel if we are going to combat the effects of climate change. On average a Yorkshire and Humber resident flies 3,969 kilometres outside the UK every year for holidays a n d business," he continued, "th i s is the equivalent of every resident in the region making two return trips from London to Berlin". However, the average Yorkshire resident produces 11.4 tonnes of carbon dioxide per person per year. This is slightly lower that the UK average of approximately 12 tonnes per year. Dr Haq will lead a free public seminar entitled, 'Climate Change: Any Questions' at Northallerton Town Hall from 7pm on Thursday 24th May. The public will have the oppurtunity to ask a panel of experts questions about climate change and how to reduce their carbon footprint. Climate Talk is one of 6 regional projects funded by the Government’s Climate Change Challenge Fund which is aimed at raising awareness and understanding of climate change issues.

ly Planet authors.

As the case is still not closed, the Tallinn Police have not been forthcoming with a crime number so that the students can claim on their insurance for their stolen goods. “There are cameras on every corner of Old Town Tallinn but because we can’t trace where we were picked up from, there’s no way of tracing the car or the drivers” comments Charlotte.

“It has ruined part of my holiday as I had to spend two days in a Police Station, but it’s made me incredibly aware. At least no one was hurt in the long run”

6

YORK VISION

NEWS

G WITH TENSIONS RISIN ON CAMPUS, WE REVEAL THE...

VISION APPEAL

Tuesday May 1, 2007

MILK SNATCHER TARGETS PORTERS CRISIS BOSS

ADMIN RAGING

VICE CHANCELLOR BRIAN CANTOR

FURIOUS HEAD OF SECURITY KEN BATTEN

ANGRY DIRECTOR OF FACILITIES MANAGEMENT KEITH LILLEY

STRESSO-METER

SECURITY BOSS CALLS IN POLICE TO INVESTIGATE MYSTERY MILK THEFT

BY IAIN WITHERS Porters’ crisis boss Ken Batten has launched a full-scale offensive on staff in Grimston House after a mysterious staff member has been stealing milk from his fridge .

University sources close to Vision claim that the security chief has had Intruder Reports written up and submitted to him detailing the movements of people in and out of Grimston House in an effort to out the milk snatcher.

In a final warning issued to security services staff, the beleaguered Batten has threatened police action and stringent employee identification measures on the door of the staff kitchen if the

thefts continue.

One university informant claimed that the police had already been involved in the matter and that a police investigation had been launched. A police spokesman questioned by Vision said they were unable to comment on any executed police investigations.

The show of force comes as the latest attempt by the university to stamp out kitchen indiscipline.

In total four forceful warnings criticizing inappropriate kitchen behaviour are dotted around the kitchen in Grimston House.

In a note signed by Ken Batten, the admin boss threatens police action if the culprit is identified and warns that, should the thefts con-

tinue, access to the fridge could be restricted and “control measures placed on the kitchen door to identify all who access.”

The security services chief, amongst many other errors, misspells the word ‘culprit’ in the note – a mistake perhaps attributable to the urgency with which the note had to be printed.

Asked whether the milk thief had been caught, Security Operations Manager Rob Little told Vision: “At the moment no. But the thefts have decreased since action was taken.”

When asked to explain the reasoning behind Batten’s decision to up the ante in the fight against the food thief, Rob Little claimed: “A number of people who work in Grimston House have experienced

theft from the fridge including milk and butter and other food items. It’s reached a level that was not acceptable.”

In a recent startling development one employee accosted by Vision in the Grimston House kitchen revealed that a colleague of hers had actually confessed in private to her that she had stolen milk for cups of tea and coffee. Vision is unable to confirm whether or not the woman in question has been disciplined.

In a candid comment a university informant mischievously suggested one possible explanation as to why Batten has chosen to ramp up the tension in the milk crisis: “He’s got nothing else to do.”

DO YOU KNOW WHO'S STEALING BATTEN'S MILK? VISIT WWW.YORKVISION.CO.UK NOW AND HELP US TRACK THEM DOWN

S E H N I S T N E D STU E L T T A B N O I T C E EL YUSU OFFICER ELECT TAKES ON TORY BOSS AND FORMER STUDENT

BY ADAM THORN AND MATT HAWKINS Three current and former York students go head to head this Thursday in the Heslington Council elections.

The ward of Heslington consists 80% of students with all 3 major parties fighting for election.

YUSU academic and welfare officer elect Grace Fletcher hall takes on Tory president Julia Heaton and current councillor Ceredig Jamieson-Ball Labour candidate Grace launched her campaign with an attack on the Lib Dem Officer: “I’m standing because it bothers me that the current councillor hasn’t done enough - I don’t think he’s made enough effort to engage with any of Heslington ward, but certainly not the students.

Students make up 80% of this ward but haven’t heard from their councillor since he was elected four years ago - he’s never had a surgery on campus, he’s never spoken out on student

issues, he’s never helped us. So what I want to achieve is being better!”

Meanwhile Tory Candidate Julie Heaton has pledged to put the environment at the top of her agenda. Underlining her interest in the environment, and her willingness to “bring the environment to the top of the agenda”, Heaton gives an example of recycling problems. On campus, she states that she would campaign for more recycling points in convenient locations, as current locations are inadequate.

Former York student and the current councillor Ceredig added:” the only party nationally to have consistently opposed Labour’s top-up fees- a complete U-turn by Tony Blair from his 2001 manifesto which explicitly stated that ‘we will not introduce topup fees and have legislated against them’.”

YORK VISION

NEWS

Tuesday May 1, 2007

7

BANGED UP IN THE USA DRUNKEN

LL E C N I T H G I N DUO SPEND

AL T N E M R E H T O 'TWENTY Y N A P M O C R O F BLOKES' IL A B N I 0 0 0 1 $ Y FORCED TO PA

BY ANNA BEVAN Two York University students were arrested in America for “public intoxication” and forced to spend the night in a prison cell.

The former Goodricke residents, who have chosen to remain anonymous, were stopped by police outside a house party in California where they admitted to being drunk in the street, a criminal offence in the United States where the legal drinking age is 21.

The incident, which occurred during the Easter holidays, result-

ed in the duo being thrown over the bonnet of a police car and handcuffed, which the lawbreakers described as being “really painful”.

On arrival at the police station their fingerprints and details were taken by officers who then locked them up in an overcrowded cell and refused to answer any of their questions.

“You quickly sober up,” reported one of the offenders, who had to contend with fellow inmates “pissing on [his] sock” throughout the course of the night.

The pair described how they found the whole situation “really funny”, until they were awoken at 3am and told that they would each

need to pay $1000 bail before they could be released.

Difficulties with their credit cards meant that only one of the detainees was allowed to go, leaving the other to remain behind, “with twenty other mental blokes” for company.

Eventually at 6.30pm, 17.5hrs after he had arrived, the other student was allowed to leave the Santa Barbara County Jail after his friends, one of whom has been studying in California for the past year, came up with the money.

Now safely back in the UK, the two second years have had to hire American lawyers to represent them at their court hearing next

month, where they will be fined for their small misdemeanour.

As they are unable to attend their trial, which takes place in California, the pair are required by law to have someone speak on their behalf. If they fail to do so they will face losing their bail money and will have a warrant issued for their arrest if they ever step foot on US soil again.

Whilst they both now have criminal records in the States, their British police records will remain clean since “public intoxication” is not considered an illegal offence in the UK. The ordeal, which the two students consider “a story to tell the

kids”, has not deterred them from going back to visit the US in the future. However, they are currently more eager to be reunited with their bail money, which they have already planned to spend on “going out and getting drunk”.

Underage drinking is a huge problem in American Universities, where it is extremely common for students to get arrested for being similarly inebriated. Despite not being able to drink alcohol in bars, cheap beer is readily consumed at dorm’ and frat’ parties by under-21s, making binge drinking as much of a problem in the US as it is in the UK.

CAMPUS COCKTAILS COME TO ALCUIN

BLACKOUT 1 FORTY YEAR-OLD CABLE< 50 CONFERENCE GUESTS< 20 HOURS OF DARKNESS< £4000 DAMAGE ON CAMPUS<

BY ANNA BEVAN

BY EURYDICE COTE A power-cut on campus during the Easter vacation caused over £4000 worth of damage, and left three colleges in darkness for more than 20 hours.

Campus was plunged into darkness when a faulty cable connecting Wentworth and James College power substations failed, seriously disrupting conferences.

Prestigious guests were even left to find their way around using emergency lights and torches.

The problem became so severe that three road tankers had to be brought in to prevent rancid sewage accumulating while the power-cut continued.

The damage in the cable, which

was first buried 40 years ago, affected an array of important buildings, including the Roger Kirk Centre, the Health Centre, and numerous teaching buildings.

Electricity could not be restored until the following evening, as the repair required highly specialised technicians to come from outside of York and assess the damage.

The conference office, which described the incident as “a bit of a pain”, was forced to move approximately 50 guests staying on campus to another location in Alcuin College, where power had not been affected.

The independent organisers of the conference, 'World Events', complained that they had expected another 500 people to attend this three day event and that Monday’s pres-

entations were greatly disrupted by the lack of electricity.

The blackout also had a devestating impact on students, who were forced to watch their frozen food slowly wasting away, as clapped-out kitchen freezers rapidly defrosted.

David Hammond, a Zone Facilities Manager, has said that affected residents will be reiumbursed for any loss suffered. He urged disgruntled sufferers to examine their frozen produce and “make a note of the quantity and value of their food” However, in spite of this, Estates Services does not believe that the power cut had a strong enough impact on kitchen appliances to justify compensation.

B. Henry’s is to be re-launched as ‘B. Henry’s - The Cocktail Bar’ in a daring attempt by the University to promote the use of campus bars.

The plans, which were proposed last term and approved over the Easter holidays, are set to go ahead this Friday night at Alcuin College bar, where the competitively priced drinks menu will be unveiled for the first time.

As well as showcasing the new alcoholic concoctions, the opening event is set to include pre-sample cocktails served by waiting staff and an opportunity to win a DVD player for the best new cocktail design.

Alcuin College Chair, Louis Wihl, has praised the University for funding the project and taking “constructive, positive steps to improve campus bars”, which he is

confident will be successful.

Wihl, who previously stressed the importance of keeping prices affordable, considers the change “a unique opportunity to compete with town”, something that is reflected in the various drinks deals on offer.

A close source has revealed that cocktails will be charged at £2.95 each, or two for £4.95, whilst the price of shooters and pitchers are still to be confirmed.

It is hoped that the emergence of such a bar on campus will discourage students from drinking in halls and instead provide them with the chance to consume Cosmopolitans and Piña Coladas without venturing into the city centre.

B. Henry’s is currently closed for five nights a week, and although the new trendy theme will not guarantee an immediate increase in opening hours, it is likely that, should it be deemed a success, such an increase will be implemented in the

8COMMENT

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

Saying what no-one else will...

Richard Byrne-Smith NUS SMALL BUDGET PUBLICATION OF THE YEAR 2006

SAYS...

Win it for the White Rose, guys

R

ed Rose AU President Dave Greenshields thinks that by banning Lancaster's competitors from drinking he can keep the Carter-James trophy on the dark side of the Pennines. Shame he was nowhere to be seen last year when Lancaster rugby players showered a female steward in sexist abuse - and a liberal covering of beer. Shame he was nowhere to be seen when five York hockey players were attacked at the Friday night Roses event. And the biggest shame of all is that the perpetrators could well be turning out in red shirts next weekend. When asked to rate Lancaster's chances of success out of 10, smug Greenshields replied "11". But our own Tom Moore knows it's not as easy as smarmy Dave thinks it will be. Win it for the White Rose guys, and make sure Greenshields' gang limps away with their tales between their legs.

The immigration gap MUST be sealed soon

COUNCIL ELECTIONS: Not necessarily

T

here is something about students and elections that makes me feel quite uncomfortable. By this, you’ll inevitably be pleased to hear, I am not referring to those good old student union elections (although they make me feel more than uncomfortable), no, I mean the real ones; you know, those ones that actually matter.

I’m talking, of course, about the well-publicised local council elections taking place this Thursday. ‘How on earth can they make you feel uncomfortable?’ you might think, ‘It’s a chance for us students to show the world what we’ve got; a real chance to Make A Difference.’

And what with this year’s unprecedented number of students standing as candidates, campus busybodies can hardly contain themselves; ‘This truly is The Big One’, they say, ‘We will have so much student representation on that rotten council that all those oldies just won’t know what to do with themselves! Sounds brilliant eh?’ And what can we do?

We should agree, they tell us; after all, we are students.

Herein lies my major problem.

University students seem to have an assumption – one that is rarely addressed – that we unquestioningly deserve an involvement in the running of a council; a council, which, to most of us, will govern us for a

FRAMED!

N

ews that overseas students may be using our university as a gateway to Britain has left Vision suprised, but also deeply shocked. Immigration restrictions are in-place for a reason, and, we believe, it is up to the University to do its best to ensure they are respected by its students. To ensure they cannot slip through our university's seemingly holey net, students who claim visas on the basis of their place at York should be thoroughly scrutinised before they are offered a place to study. In addition, the university must ensure that sufficient welfare is in place to provide support to such students on their arrival in Britain – a smooth intergration is key to a problem-free arrival in alien territory.

E

nough is enough: let's sort this mess out, and seal the immigration gap for good.

Henry B good!

I

t's about time we actually had some good news about our bars. After months of faltering campaigns and continual doom-mongering by bar-lovers, the announcement over the hols that B Henry's is to become a swanky cocktail venue, is an extremely welcome one.

Finally, Vision has somewhere classy to hang out!

no m: There is Shoddy exa h a debacle. c excuse for su

maximum of three years of our long lives.

How can we justify the fact that, many third years, for example, are granted a say on the four-year-long direction of a council which they will reside in for, what, two more months? Add to this the fact that we don’t even pay council tax, and you might understand why ‘ordinary’ people hate us.

It is sometimes hard to forget that we simply do not live real lives. We exist under the huge cuddly comfort blanket of a university – a minitown in itself. It is utterly naïve to assume that an institution with 10,000 members possesses so little influence – particularly in a city as small as York – that students require more and more of their own representation in order to get a fair deal.

This is, of course, exemplified by the ever-increasing number of student candidates standing for election across the country. Should I really see this as something negative, though? Surely, it’s a fantastic opportunity for budding politicians to get their foot in the door, to make a start on the muddy road to Westminster? But that’s exactly the point. Council elections should not be used as handy stepping-stones for hopeful MPs of the future; they are serious contests for genuine residents of genuine towns. I want

a councillor who is experienced in life. The last thing we need is more politicians who, by entering the ‘bubble’ of political life at a young age, lose – or never even possesses – any concept of the ‘real world’.

Having said that, please remember that, much as it may seem, I am most certainly not suggesting that students should not vote in their council elections, or even that students should not run as candidates.

Rather, I am trying to point out that we must think before we vote. We must respect the fact that we are not solely voting for ourselves; we are also voting for long-suffering residents, who may be stuck with our choice for as many as three years after we have swanned off to bigger and better things. And candidates, if you mean well, I've got nothing against you. Student politicians are very good at crowing the most sincere of motives, but we can often not be completely sure what is going on in their ambitious little heads. A message: are you doing it because it looks good on your CV? If you are, your priorities are seriously screwed-up.

The sooner we get off our educated, middle-class high-horse, and realise just how much of a pain in the derriere we actually are, the better things can be for everyone: maybe – if we give the council and its residents a reason to actually like stu-

IN CELEBRATION

Nouse

Alright, I admit it: poor old Nouse gets a lot of unjustified stick from Vision. And for what? For being, well, different.

But what's the matter with that? As someone once clichédly (what?, ed.) said: "Variet y is the spice of life", and so it should be.

Having said that, while Vis ion and Nouse may seem vastly different,

OF:

the two are in fact very similar: they both aim to questio n those in power, they both aim to represent the, sometimes ignore d, collective voice, and they bot h aim to provide some enterta inment and interest along the way .

Of course the success with which they fulfil these aims is up to you. But Vision is better.

A FUNDAMENTAL LACK OF RESPECT The recent security milk farce – while laughable – has exposed a sickeningly malignant problem in our university’s administration network: there is a fundamental lack of respect and trust between layers of the workforce.

Ken Batten’s hard-line response to his cheeky milk thieves should never have been required – indeed, in a respectful working environment, such a petty act of mischief should never have happened in the first place. Why did staff feel the need to target Ken? Moreover, why did he choose to respond in what could seem to be an unprofessional manner? Unfortunately, Batten is seriously deluded if he thinks that heightening tensions in the workforce actually solve anything. The situation suggests that in the university the management don't seem to trust staff, and they don’t seem to trust them. And ‘culpret’, Ken? You can do better than that…

9

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

LETTERS

Write to us: Vision Letters, Grimston House Email us: editor@vision.york.ac.uk

World-Wid e-Wonder Dear Vis ful ion,

larly spec I am w ta ri ally enjo cular, and I remend you ting to comyed chec on your fa king out w eb site extr tic new ntasV infor mati as such as the Whilst su ision website! o ists, pho n on jour nalthe othe rfing the net to galler r ie reader’s lighted to day, I was decomment s, and stumble sectio N o w across my favo I n o lo nger hav n. urite tab wait thre e to loid in a sleek, e sa next Visio weeks for my for mat. J ssy new web n fix, all am-packe the best bits of th d with exciting e new graphics and all only a click spaper are the late st away! W ell and featu news stories done Vision! res, Visio really tr n h as iumphed . digital fo The Kevin r matting newspap of the First-year Com er is particu- Science studen puter t.

Thanks Kevin, we're very proud of it! You can visit the website at www.yorkvision.co.uk Firstly, please separate the article from the playful ‘stress-o-meter’. A lot of research went into the article and it did not mention any subjects. The ‘stress-o-meter’ was not meant seriously, and although we (many writers contributed!) tried to make it obvious that it was just a playful comment (you must joke with your housemates about their degrees?) we apologise that you did not get this. Also, at the end of the day, the ‘stress-o-meter’ was not a serious critique of subjects, and many of my friends and fellow writers who study english (such as my editor) saw that it was not a stab at the effort and hard work that obviously everyone, regardless of their subject, puts into their subjects. Lastly, we are fully aware that minimal contact hours do not equate to minimal work required, but the way exams and assessed work are spread out in a year can contribute to stress levels.

Regards, Charlotte Chung (Lifestyle Editor).

Some poignant words on a tragic situation.

Thank you for your comments.

You're wrong: I AM stressed!

Dear Vision,

Ben MATTHEWS

T

more help with our work.

We are probably the least cared-for department in the university - we get 20 minutes of help with our essays and people have been known to fail just for lack of a good essay topic (oh, and tutors/supervisors aren’t allowed to help us either, so a few weeks without inspiration can really kill your term, as I learned last summer term).

It is a common misconception that, just because we dont sit in lectures all day, we dont work. I live with 2 physics students and an electronics student, and I do more work than all of them combined, and none of us are bad students! In conclusion, I think I spend enough time justifying my degree as it is and do not need to hear it from some silly Vision writer who clearly doesnt research before writing an article.

I would like to comment on the “Cause for DiStress” article in your latest issue. I am really disgusted by the WRONG information in this article! Charlotte Chung, who clearly has NOT researched this article correctly, situates English literature as the second lowest on the Stress-OMeter. I dont know what Chung is on about. I admit we have no lectures but we do read 2-3 books each week (which I bet most of you couldn’t handle alongside other seminar research AND your essays). And while how much work we do for the seminars is left largely to ourselves, there’s always something to do (as we are constantly reminded by our tutors and supervisors) and we are constantly battling for Linda

Campus media: A two-way responsibility

hey say that with great power comes great responsibility. At a small campus university, with an even smaller student body, the importance of ensuring that those in power are acting responsibly cannot be reiterated enough.

The recent YUSU elections are a case in point. The officers are elected by the entire student body to represent, support and improve the day-to-day lives and careers of those studying at the university.

Therefore, it is imperative they use their power responsibly, as their actions in some way or another will affect every last student, including you. But with less than 10% of students voting in the election, it’s a wonder that SU officers use their positions to help the entire student body at all. Well, 90% of them anyway.

The YUSU-Elect have promised a number of things that could potentially improve the lives of York students. For example, AnneMarie Canning’s priority will be the establishment of a prescription pick up and drop off point until a campus pharmacy becomes a reality. It is a practical service which is of direct use to students on campus and allows us to physically see the Students’ Union working. Ideas such as this, which directly improve the lives of students, will undoubt-

Tragedy m o r f g in n Lear students,

edly be spoken of highly. Yet it is important that they are carried through effectively or changed if the situation alters and the scheme no longer proves fruitful.

However, it is not just the visible aspects of the students’ union that this responsibility covers. There are countless activities that take place behind the scenes of university life, activities out of sight of the student body. This may be why so many students are apathetic to student politics: they do not recognise how the activities of the union affect them.

And that’s where campus media comes in. Covering every aspect of university life, it is their job to ensure that no stone-of-authority is left unturned and that all issues that will affect students are reported. While we believe that the current SU officers have done a mostly outstanding job, it is vital that the incoming crop of officers understand their new responsibility to the student body; if they are not performing their duties well, the campus media is there to ensure that the students find out about it.

But elected officers shouldn’t be the only concern for students.

Vision’s recent exposure of just how much the university’s ViceChancellor is spending on personal interests, coupled with this week’s revelation of the worryingly large

number of York students vanishing after gaining access to Britain, it becomes clear that those in top university positions should not escape scrutiny. They should be working for York’s students - current, prospective or otherwise - and not for diverting funds into Heslington East.

Again, it is the campus media who are left to reveal these issues.

Media societies have a long tradition at this university as established societies run by, and for a large amount of students, and the success of these societies at a national level substantiates their significance and merit. But sometimes the media forget their responsibility, displaying acts of undue aggression or presenting sloppy accuracies in the name of sensationalism, resulting in hurt feelings amongst university bodies.

Having been Editor of Vision for almost a whole academic year, I have gained a particular insight into not only the workings of YUSU and the university management in general, but also the everyday workings of various societies, JCRCs and sports clubs. As such, I have come to understand that these parties want to be represented in the fairest light possible. With this in mind, Vision has taken on a line of reporting that strives for accuracy; we make the most of the resources around us, but are not afraid to stick our necks out on the line.

Sometimes university management and SU officers abuse their power. Sometimes campus media gets it wrong. Sometimes both parties get things wrong and the situation is placated accordingly. But whilst we may not always see eye-toeye in certain cases, it is imperative that university management, YUSU officers and the campus media societies work well together to ensure that the recent high standards of their respective areas continue for the foreseeable future to the benefit of us all.

editor@vision.york.ac.uk

for some ms experience any proble ng intensifyi lack of Dear Vision, he T . ve ha ight n ia they m ndings ca g at the med iliar surrou talyst to ism fa When lookin a ni the Virgi a further ca as in the coverage of ks act as e, cre two wee at may prov ui, to be sa th as es m su ch Te Seung-H me again ho C ck ru of st al se it ts ca ago, the individu at these even imental to tr de n and again th ke sily have ta y and to others. ts could so ea these even r y Universit an Secondly, in e greate r g plac fo in ed ud cl ne in ’s York globe, around the ide throw security into sharp t t the world-w itnesses York. Whils ick to blame studen Student w ginia qu . ef as li w re ia V ed a m ic at ir ure of Amer e massacre the gun cult ngs, a glance to th to question k ic qu ti were ty had not for the shoo manifesto the Tech ri cu se eater at the filmed Seung-Hui re- why gr plemented after the im ngs. Segunman Cho lf during the been e of shooti sue at se av m w t hi rs of fi ed is cord onis clearly an d the disc massacre, an e writing he curity ut whilst security sotiv . B ing certing crea this York the time be t suggest that ons are all os ti m lu al , ve ed left behind ha t so distress uced, they was a studen at bloodshed introd focused on the danger th s of the so disturbed, whatever the alway ose outside le ents. posed by th ud st was inevitab e th niversity to used by stuU e weapon. th ca draw from The danger and othYork should ons in par- dents to themselves ss le o tw y e introf th traged oo at pr th is er tly, this ers, a dang ycards ke ed e ticular. Firs ed or m ne f was n of yet if ever proo rsity Welfare ductio rly not eradicate, has ve ea that the Uni al support in can cl been not considered re r s fa ed so ne obteam tal health pr y enough. tackling men mpus ‘bubble’ closel ca lems. The can mous. versity life effect of Uni austrophobic Anony cl lly ho w a be

>ARTS COMMENT Devilishly Bad

Lani PEACE

T

he Devil Wears Prada was a bit crap. There, I’ve said it, I’m out of the sisterhood.

As I and an esteemed housemate slumped in our seats to a soundtrack provided by KT Tunstall (always good) I pondered how many more of these empowerment-by-numbers films would be produced before they make a movie of Emily Pankhurst’s career: the suffragette to be played with a complex yet fervent conviction by Carmen Electra.

As a montage of go-getting beautiful women flounced across the screen; hailing a cab here, kicking a minger there, the manifesto was: you can be beautiful and successful.

(Possibly to the tune of ‘I’m Every Woman’) The insinuation however was: only beautiful women are successful. The lovely Anne Hathaway is hardly a revelation when she steps out in a heavy fringe and kid leather gloves, ‘oh…right…she IS fit.’ I know it’s not a massive insight, but The Devil is only one in a long list of films which proclaim ‘girl power’ in tandem with a well fitted wrap dress. And on the one hand, they’re kind of comforting.

You know what’s going to happen, you know what they’re going to learn about themselves, and you know that the boy (who is similarly not quite in the gang) will love them forever. It’s like a comfort blan-

ket that smells ever so slightly of sick. However, in this film it’s too fashionable, it’s too bitchy. It’s too much of a bloody generalization of the modern woman; materialism alone does not for an independent lady make. At the end of the film, Hathaway’s character may have extricated herself away from the evil fashion people, but she has also learnt how to dress herself, and you know what, she’s a hell of a lot more successful for it.

Just for once, I would like to see a mainstream film in which the lead female, was not judged on her looks (or lack thereof) at all. Can you think of any film where you haven’t thought ‘she’s a bit fat’ or ‘fit’ or ‘isn’t it brave that she portrayed someone who wasn’t stunning in every way.’ You would never think that about a male lead, their transformations are secondary to the roles they play. I know, it’s not the Hollywood way and no one would go see a film in which yours truly reprised Jessica Alba’s role in ‘Sin City’. But what The Devil Wears Prada does is take this element of cinematic aesthetic fantasy and transform it into an urbane yet sordid drudge through what Hollywood reckons the real woman should strive for.

film@vision.york.ac.uk

10 COMMENT

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

>COLUMNS

Iain WITHERS

S

ometimes you’ve just got to say ‘no’. ‘No, I’m not getting up so you and whoever else has staggered in here can have sex in every room in the house.’ This seems reasonable.

She didn’t seem happy about this. She slurred a barrage of abuse; her secondary school accomplice slurred some abuse.

This wasn’t any good. Prostrate, mostly asleep, there was nothing they could say or do that was going to persuade me that getting up from this mattress was a good idea; and yet still the moaning drunken drawling came.

‘Sorry, ‘luv, are you really going to persuade me that the knowledge that you’re fulfilling this wonderful sexual odyssey is going to be of any consolation to me once I’ve dragged myself off my hungover face and am sitting outside on the stairs?’

Eventually they left. Going home from uni is instructive in reminding yourself that there aren’t really ‘allsorts’ at uni. It’s great to meet people that are actually working for a living and those who, amazingly, seem to be even bigger wasters than yourself.

This particular party was unusually debauched, the host being an unusually debauched friend, hosting a do where ‘alternative’ was very much just an unappreciated byword for ‘waster’. Nobody was stupid, just angry, and would rather douse a UCAS form in petrol and set it alight than fill it in.

I’m not saying you’re back in ‘stupidland’, far from it. Just among the types that didn’t funnel so easily out of the system. And even for those whom you feel this is a relief, like the laddy friend of a friend who tells you how he and his mates commandeered a JCB and drove it through a wall last night, these are still comments that pose many more questions than the many term-time matters you could so easily have resolved if you’d just spent a bit more time in Vanbrugh dining area.

And this can only be a welcome change from being at a small campus uni for ten weeks.

‘No, I don’t smoke.’

But when you’re doing data entry work, by God do you wish you did. Despite having never had a fag, typing hundreds of housing records up makes me yearn for the inhalation of sweet, heavy smoke to allay the restlessness of repetitive labour.

I’d say about the most amusing thing that happened whilst I was temping was coming across the street name ‘Marx Court’ for a group of dejected council houses.

One hopes that the irony is not lost on the residents.

I’m not one for huge social revolutions, but I sometimes fret that arrogance festers in our campus bunker.

I partly study Economics, for instance, and it seems to me that the people who populate those seminars are, in the main, a compassionless bunch of chancers.

As we all settle back into our campus lives, we are aware, of course, that campus is a pale imitation of reality. But it does you good to slap yourself in the face once in a while and truly appreciate that.

Katie JACOBS

A word from your resident drunk

A

s I awoke this morning face down in a pool of my own vomit, knickers around my ankles, with the friendly neighbourhood tramp pissing on me, I came to the realisation that this has got to stop. It would not be an overstatement to say that much (all?) of the student lifestyle is centred round boozing. Whether it be a post-exam pint or twelve, the legendary Micklegate run or the ‘wahey, it’s Friday and even though as students weekends don’t really mean that much to us, let’s get smashed’ bottle of wine, there is nothing we seem to like to do so much as drink. I’m no exception to this rule, but as the time for me to become a Responsible Adult (a capitalised one, no less) draws ever closer, it’s time for a New Katie, New Rules makeover.

As anyone who has ever met me will testify, this burning desire to better myself comes over me about once a term, usually when my liver is just about to pack its bags and go on strike for a little while until I’ve learnt my lesson. I announce (usually whilst drunk, or hungover, my two most natural states) that I just cannot take it anymore, that I am going to start drinking smoothies and eating super foods, and only drinking 14 units a week. I start drinking singles instead of doubles and only have one treble in the Nags. I radiate health and smugness. Then I accidentally get wasted and realise that it is much more fun. The problem is that I cannot seem to understand the phrase “in moderation” as a con-

cept. I get the words separately just fine. “In” as in “in the pub”, “in Toffs” and “in someone else’s bed the next morning”. “Moderation” is self-restraint as practised by other people; it is not something I myself seem able to master. Sadly, excess is what I seem to do best. If there was a degree in embarrassing yourself whilst drunk, I’d be getting a first.

I recently decided to do a Very Good Thing and signed up to be an organ donor. But the glow of satisfaction and self worth was somewhat marred when Nancy pointed out that, “Well, they’re not going to want y o u r liver, are

[Katie. Soon.]

they? Or your kidneys?” Lani tried to help matters by suggesting that my lovely young lungs might be of use to someone, before realisation dawned: “You do love fags though…”

Eventually, after mentally dissecting my body, we came to the depressing conclusion that only my spleen might in any way be useful after my demise, and that was only because none of us have any idea of what a spleen does anyway.

The fact that I’m such a walking disaster area that it would be better for everyone if I went around my daily business cordoned off with police tape so as not to endanger anyone is, unsurprisingly, exacerbated by my drinking. My talent for excess translates into my talent for injuring myself in ridiculous ways. Earlier this week, I slipped over in the shower and what for a normal person would result in a few scrapes, has manifested itself in me as a black toe and a bruise the size of third world debt on my thigh. As I am officially (thanks year nine aptitude tests) in the bottom 5% of the country for space perception and the like,

a walk down the street is just not complete without tripping over or colliding with another person/lamppost/fast moving car, so just imagine what I’m like when I’m drunk.

Go on, I dare you. It’s not a pretty sight is it? I’m the person who falls down the stairs in Ziggys, the poor soul sitting bemused on the dancefloor, unsure of how she got there when she was moving so seductively ten seconds ago, the girl spilling everyone else’s drinks and trying to run away before Rugby Soc assault her.

Waitressing was probably not the best career path for me, and I’m still surprised I haven’t been sacked for the amount of things I break. I like to think that they keep me on for my natural charm and winning smile, but it’s probably more due to the fact that I’ll work the last minute shifts no one else wants to do. I long to be graceful, to be sexy, to be able to walk more than ten metres without falling over, but the fates have been conspiring against me since birth – I even managed to turn myself upside down in the womb. I can’t even get being born right, and that should be quite easy. When I’m feeling positive, I hope that this clumsiness might express itself in endearing kookiness, but it’s more likely I just come across as an enormous geek.

And if I’m inherently geeky, not drinking isn’t really going to change that is it? Geeky/clumsy girls (and boys) of York unite (and bearing in mind this is York, there are probably a fair few of you), and pass the corkscrew please.

that is teaching on as diverse subjects as Islam, fractals, Elizabethan love poetry, physiology, Joan of Arc, syntax, and a few others wouldn’t really care that much about our non-intellectual lives? It’s inappropriate. Our cumulative age is about 200,000 (yup, we beat Methuselah): we’re old enough to think about our lives ourselves. Come on, University: get some romanticism, be unrealistic, be ambitious on our behalves, too ambitious if necessary, or at least pretend to assume that Get Loadsa Money doesn’t top your students’ to-do lists. It isn’t flattering for us to be thought of as ideal KPMG candidates. And it’s slightly scary to think ideal KPMG candidates might surround us. One of my friends, though, was rejected from a recruitment job the other day for being “too ethical and upmarket”: the sort of response of which every York student should dream.

If only I felt as much rage about this as I do in the middle of exams.

Has anyone got an exam at four o’clock on the thirtieth of May in Central Hall? If so, would you like to schedule a fight for five-thirty?

All those forced to do a three-hour examination should be entitled to a half-time punch-up. I’ll take you all on. Except Leanne.

deputy.editor@vision.york.ac.uk

Watch Out...

Ruth MACLEAN

W

atch out, YUSU. Watch out, Careers Service.

Personal Development Record Invigilators, Graduate Scheme Persuaders, Masters Degree Encouragers, yes, you.

You’re going down. In your face.

(There you go, by the way: two nice youth-culture phrases you can fling at your unsullied prey to convince them of your hipness, and aceness, and un-naffness, and so on).

I haven’t really got a weapon with which to destroy all of these absolutely-not-fictional people, I admit. Thing is, I’m only just onto them. This is more like a bulletin: Weekly Update on How University is Conning You. Treat it the same way you would a weekly e-mail from the Socialist Student Society.

So, there we are, shuffling along for circa three years, and at the start we say Ah! La la la!

University, yeah, actually uni, let’s give it an affectionate moniker because it’s so cute and new and oh (here I alienate anyone outside the idealist-student-cliché brack-

et) isn’t it wonderful reading all the time and just learning for the sake of it and cultivating wisdom as if it is mould in one of Erica’s teacup ‘experiments’.

And then what happens is that we discover the Willow Disco, and its non-stop Madonna, and the fact that most Saturday nights, to my confusion, it contains two lesbian Leannes (and one non-lesbian Leanne who I unintentionally spread rumours about, sorry) who might take advantage of the lockless toilet cubicle and its luckless occupant. And for a while we get a touch distracted.

And by the time we’ve rediscovered the J.B. Morrell with the help of Campus Wayfinder, something synthetic in the Market Square air means we’re all wetting ourselves at once about next year and the prospect of having to get on the train to see our friends and council tax and, my goodness, so-called ambition.

And it’s suddenly really annoying that four-decade-planners aren’t available, and please note I’m not blaming the Willow for all this, not even the collective incontinence: Like A Virgin and pelvic floor exercises are not, after all, incompatible.

It’s a little annoying not having a conspiracy theory proper. But there is something fishy about it.

Why does the University invite corporate law companies to come and recruit? Why are they worried about how much money we earn? Why do I invent superunlikely career plans to pacify my supervisor? Surely a place [What

Ruth was a 2006 Guardian 'Student Columnist of the Year' nominee.

it's like working for KPMG. Probably.]

RUBBISH

YORK VISION

11

THE SKETCH

Dinsday Mei 1, 2007

THIEF: "I'M DAIRY, DAIRY SORRY... NOT"

Draaaawing out the truth...

re c e S

t

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BY HUGH JASS edly declares.

The infamous campus Describing exactly why he milk thief, who has been carried out his actions, 'Milky' terrorising resident hardsays he was "provoked". man, Ken 'Mount' Batten, "Batten's had it coming for for weeks, came clean last ages. When he was little, he night, Vision has learned. used to come and poke me with The thief, who wishes to be a stick. Enough's enough. I've known as 'Milky', confessed got news for you Ken: the cows all in a shocking dossier dewant their milk back," he said. lievered to Vision HQ last Mountbatnight. ten is said to 'Milky', who is be 'fuming'. a half-ton Belted He told honGalloway, used chos last night the hefty twothat he would page dossier to find the culreveal exactly pret (sic) if it how and why he was "the last carried out his thing he did", cunning crime and "kick his spree, which teeth in". has left campus University security staff Milky GUILTY: spokesman, baffled.

Tess Teckle, Crime experts called the situhave labelled his ation "critical". methods "ingenious".

"We have a criminal master"I waited until no-one was mind loose on campus. Staff around. I then opened the must be on their guard at all fridge, took the milk, and times. Students don't really drank it. I made a special matter. After all, we don't really point of leaving a crushed care what happens to them." milk carton on the floor -Batten is expected to press an extra special kick in the charges. nuts" his dossier unasham-

KILLER GOOSE ON THE LOOSE VISION APPEAL

BY FANNY O'REAR Residents of the Univer- ies style sunglasses, and the sity of Yorkie are advised vast stock of ‘added-peck’ mato be vigilant after reports chine guns and ammunition he emerged that a killer Goose carries with him at all times.

He is also known for eathas escaped from a high seing ‘killer-pike’ for breakfast, curity pen on campus.

‘Brutal Bruce’ the Goose and often indulges in smoking was convicted three years ago pondweed. Bruce has a unique of a series of bloodthirsty at- low voice, and is renowned for the catch-phrase that has left tacks, claiming the lives of many a ten ducks, three member lecturers, five of York students and a Universiporter. ty tremHis famed evil b l i n g tendencies are in their thought to have boots: been the product ‘I’ll be of a genetic malquack’. functioning at A n y birth, probably student resulting from t h a t the high-levels thinks of pollution, they may vast quantities h a v e of road signs, ON THE LOOSE: Bruce spotted and the odd B r u c y ‘misplaced’ toxic chemical infesting the waters should stay calm and alert Inin which he was conceived. spector Druff immediately.

Under no circumstances are These factors are also thought they to return to their halls to have led to the formation of of residences, where security his distinctive third eye.

Detective Inspector Dan breaches are such that even a Druff urges students to look bird without arms is likely to out for Bruce’s famous short be able to break in. leather bird jacket, his eight-

You will NEVER seize power!

THE FINALE: The Gary-Miranda-Deborah love triangle mess finally comes to end. It is truly the end of an era...

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I can't stop thinking about Deborah...

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Apply today and receive your FREE NI number.

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Campus Lookalike

A pint of milk

VISION'S PHOTO CASEBOO K

BUDDING BRITONS

Ken 'Mount' Batten

NoUse est. 1521

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COMMENT Fun should not have a place on campus

Happily ever after...

We live in a world increasingly driven by hedonism. The time has come for this to stop.

Over the last few months and years, we have noticed students – once hard working, polite individuals – taking life less and less seriously. Here we run, from pillar to post, office to office, meeting to meeting, and, all the while, not being taken as seriously as we clearly take ourselves.

Our newspaper strives, tooth and nail, to deliver dull and wordy prose to readers who, at times, seem not to care, not to appreciate what a no-nonsense world we live in.

Nowhere is this represented better than in our university's disgusting tabloid, 'York Vision'. This 'newspaper' seems to believe that student life should be 'fun', 'exciting' and 'humorous', sickeningly demonstrated by articles, which, to be frank, simply take the biscuit.

Life is not a game. If students do not start taking themselves seriously soon, there is a danger they will - god forbid - forever remain interesting, engaging and exciting individuals.

Meanwhile...

Why was I such a cheating bastard?...

NEXT ISSUE: Something new and exciting...

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

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12 FEATURES

It just seems that there are two standards operating because one group is labelled terrorist

WHY I DIDN'T REPORT MY RAPE Facing up to rape may be challenging enough.

Several years on from her own personal nightmare, Sarah Kendall tells us why reporting the crime is not for everyone

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week happen in York.

I was raped in my own room, years before coming to York, by someone I thought was a friend.

I decided not to report it because I wanted to spare my family from ever having to know, and because I didn’t want to admit what had happened to myself. Rape makes

overturned in the act of rape. The only way to get power back, to take control again, is to take back

Don't let the idea of being pushed into prosecuting put you off seeking help

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I decided not to report it because I wanted to spare my family from knowing

you feel alone and helpless. Some people blame themselves, feeling that they ‘led the person on’. No one asks for it and no one deserves it to happen to them. No is always no – whatever happens before, whether you flirt, whether you have had sex with them previously, whether you even started having sex and changed your mind, whether you are married: no is still no. The culture behind rape is so messed up that many women think maybe they deserved it because of the way they acted or dressed. It took until 1991 - 100 years of campaigning- for rape to finally become illegal in marriage.

Rape is usually seen as an anonymous crime; and whilst I am not suggesting that it never is, the simple fact is that the large majority of rapists are already known to the victim. 50% of reported rapes happen in the woman’s home. 97% of women who call the Rape Crisis call centre in England know their attacker.

Rape is not a sexual act; it is a violent one. It is inextricably bound with the idea of being in control and having power over someone.

We value ourselves because of how we seem to others. The brutality of rape lies beyond the physical act itself. It strips you of your sense of identity. Who am I, you ask, if this can happen to me?

Language is the key to dealing with rape – essentially your word in refusing sex is violently

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guarantee you will know someone who has been raped, whether you are aware of it or not. The official government figure is 1 in 4. Unofficially, the figure is much higher. Male-male rape is also becoming more prevalent. In 2001, 47,000 women reported rape/ serious sexual assault. This figure has been rising year by year, and this is just cases that have been reported. Officially, three rapes a

language instead of being rendered speechless. The symbolic physical power of rape can be broken by speech. Talk about it: to a friend, to a charity (details at the end of this article), to a doctor, or anyone you feel comfortable talking to.

Whether you decide to report it or not – which is entirely your decision – talking about what has happened helps you to process the information. As painful as it is to recall something your brain naturally wants to repress, it really is vital that you do so. I found that I couldn’t even process what had happened to me for years because I fell into a pattern of self

NEED HELP? York Rape Crisis Centre: Visit Office K13, Raylor Centre, James Street, York, or call the helpline on 01609 733901. It is live on Thursday between 7pm and 9pm.

At any other time, leave a message and someone will ring you back.

York Samaritans: Visit 89 Nunnery Lane, York, or call 01904 655888.

Nightline is, of course, on campus, and has people ready to answer calls every night from 8pm until 8am.

Phone 01904 433735.

JUDGING IRAN

YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH

Thought Christians were the only ones celebrating over Easter? Think again.

We take in the full range of festival flavours

abuse, hating my own body without admitting to myself what had actually happened.

Now I find the first step in getting over what has happened is actually in owning the act, and recognising that I was not to blame.

Many women are reluctant to go through with prosecution because of the low conviction rate, which is about 5% in cases that actually make it to court in the first place. Not everyone wants to report the crime, especially if you know your attacker. No one you approach to talk about your experience will push you into prosecuting. They have to keep everything you say confidential. Please don’t let the idea of being pushed to prosecute put you off talking to someone – it doesn’t happen. Charities, doctors and counsellors are there to listen and to help you. If you need to report it, they are happy to help, but just because you ask for help does not mean, under any circumstances, that you will be pushed into making a public court case.

Talking to others who have experienced similar attacks helps you to cope with your own pain; we are really, and sadly, not alone.

P14-15

Haleh Afshar OBE reads the minds of the potty Iranian regime

P17

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

k spikin in r d f o s r e g n a d e h t VISION INVESTIGATION

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ALCOHELL I sat up worrying one night and asked myself whether I could be an alcoholic

Magazines are littered with stories of how a gin and tonic welcomed Rohypnol on board

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Bridge. The link? Alcohol induced memory loss.

Glorified by an online group as ‘The Dark Place’, most find it brilliantly side-splitting. One response to the Vision conducted ‘blanking out’ survey sums it up: "I, like anyone else, think it’s funny when people make an absolute fool out of themselves and then slowly piece bits of the evening together the next day. The look on their faces when you tell them the hilarious things they have done is a brilliant mixture of shock, embarrassment and shame." Simply not remembering something can make you comic currency.

Yet is "I can’t remember" in reality last night’s lazy eyed pull in a far more forgiving disguise? Not the case as often as you may think.

While 95% of the students interviewed are more than happy to admit experiencing memory loss due to alcohol, only 43% use these blanks to rationalize embarrassing behaviour. The break dancing attempt that resulted in modesty, rather than killer moves, on show, is no longer pushed away with a mumble and a blush.

Even science is dispelling the myth that memory loss is merely a convenient excuse. The blackouts that our surveyed students claim to experience may well be real.Alongside alcohol’s obvious effects, large amounts can lead to fragmentary or en bloc blackouts by affecting formation of memory in the brain. New autobiographical memories even fail to form in one of the brain’s regions. Even longterm childhood memories end up disappearing.

For English/Politics student Dave a transformation into ‘VK Ken’ at local Charles XII resulted in him losing a lot more than a recollection of the night’s events.

"Being told everything left me a bit mortified. All I really remember is trying to have a kip outside, hoping that someone would take me back.

That’s about it.

"The next day I sheepishly went to the Charles, Derwent and Langwith and asked if they had found my stuff. I’d managed to lose my wallet, keys, phone, scarf and passport. The Derwent porters had my keys but nothing else.

Thankfully, later in the day, my stuff had been found. I was quite amused as they were treating it like it was a common occurrence."

In any case, memory loss hours are usually just filled with good ideas and better times, aren’t they?

A night of manic dancing is hardly something to worry about.

But one student, who confesses to frequently losing his memory due to drink, has particular concerns. "I sat up in bed one night and asked myself the question, could I actually be an alcoholic? I decided no because I can definitely go without it, I just don’t seem too bothered about how much I drink when I’m out." He’s not alone.

With 50% of participants confessing to worrying about their lost hours, including the 30% of poor souls waking up somewhere they didn’t recognise, the Vision survey suggests that fear is on the rise.

Initially only considered as a facet of alcoholism, long-term memory loss is also the latest trend amongst social drinkers – of which students are a large part.

But that ‘I don’t remember a note after that Panic! At The Disco track’ can become a panic far more serious. That’s exactly how one York student, Kerri, felt after a Wednesday night in town got a little hazy. Speaking to Vision she recollected her experiences. "It felt awful, I just wanted to remember

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n 2002, doctors Aaron White and PJ Best conducted a lengthy scientific and psychological study, yielding new insight into neural activity in the hippocampus region of the brain. In 2007, the students of the University of York licked strangers, tried to eat toy dinosaurs, and ranted about Hebdan

what had happened. It’s never happened to me before. That night I drank less than I had had on previous nights. There was nothing different about it. I vaguely remember being sick outside Ziggy’s and then I remember being in hospital.

I don’t remember how I got there."

Despite national campaigns, YUSU initiatives and ridiculous looking prevention inventions, women’s magazines are littered with stories of how a gin and tonic welcomed Rohypnol on board for a horrific ordeal. While Kerri doesn’t remember anything from 11pm to 1am on that night in March, it was not considered by the hospital that she perhaps turned up in that state because her drink had been spiked with drugs or more alcohol. While she admitted to us that she was in no fit state to pay real attention, they dismissed her situation as having had a bit too much to drink.

Yet the effects lasted twice as long as normal, a sign that police suggest points to drink spiking. As she, somewhat nonchalantly, puts it: "I can only think something mild happened to my drink in the Nag’s Head."

After the high profile national campaigns of 2004, where it was estimated that 30 women a week were victims, it seems that drink spiking and related issues are on the back burner in the minds of local authorities and student bodies. Despite 74% of students stating they knew someone who had had their drink spiked, 2007 research in Wrexham has shown that one in five cases reported to the police are

13

Can't remember what you did last night? Sian Rowe explores the not-so-funny side of those alcohol-induced memory lapses

SURVEY RESULTS: HAVE YOU EVER... ...experienced memory loss due to alcohol?

YES:94% NO:6%

...lied about not remembering your actions?

YES:43% NO:57%

...worried about not being able to remember?

YES:50% NO:50%

...woken up somewhere you didn't recognise?

YES:30% NO:70%

...accepted a drink from a stranger?

indeed memory loss due to one too many Long Island Iced Teas rather than a cocktail of gamma-hydroxybutyrate and flunitrazepam. It could be that the increase in common memory loss is to blame.

Alcohol induced memory loss isn’t an academic study anymore.

For many students, as the survey shows, it’s an all too familiar reality. As memory loss becomes a routine part of many students' experiences, it's increasingly difficult to judge whether drinks have been tampered with or it’s merely time to stop necking those pints.

YES:23% NO:77%

SPIKING PREVENTION Also in our survey, 89% of participants claimed to be aware of the dangers of drink spiking, whilst 74% knew someone who had been through the experience. If your drink has been spiked you may not be able to see, taste or smell any difference. It's all about prevention. These guidelines are intended to lower the risk of getting your drink spiked: *Keep your drink in your hand, and hold your thumb over the opening if you are drinking from a bottle. *Keep an eye on friends' drinks. *Don’t leave your drink unattended. *Stay away from situations you don’t feel comfortable in and don't accept drinks from people you don’t know or trust. *Don’t drink leftover drinks. *Drink from a bottle rather than a glass when you can.

It's more difficult to spike a drink in a bottle.

Photo by Alex Papushoy

HES ROAD HORRORS On Tuesday police caught a rampant door-handle rattler.

Assisted by a brave student who spoke to the police, the potential burglar was caught rattling the front door handle by a policeman who had come out to address the youth on his bike. Residents can rest assured that Hes Road is once again a safer place thanks to the prompt action by a student. The youth, described as a young man in tracksuit, baseball cap, was remanded in custody on that night.

A graffiti artist hit Hes Road this month to vent his anger about 9/11, now far be it from me to be flip about such important political outpourings, but I could not help notice that the message scrawled on the wall was directly opposite the school playground. It’s lengthy critique, which is a little long to print here, was only fully readable, Vision found, from the distance of the playground.

Further investigation has led us to conclude that the political diatribe was directed from this very location by manner of walkie-talkie. It is suspected that a crack team of childrebels composed the message to politicise the children of St Lawrence’s school during their lunch hour. With such organised rebellion occurring in the youth, the revolution is surely nigh.

Seen any horrifying happenings down Heslington Road?

We want to hear from you! hesroadhorrors@hotmail.co.uk

FLIRTING WITH FAITH

Claudia Stern gets in touch with her spiritual side, as she delivers her verdict on four very different religious experiences.

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s it spring or just coincidence that many faiths come over all religious at this time of year? Although the main festivals remain with the Abrahamic religions, there are festivals and celebrations in all different faiths. Dipping in and out of religion is hardly likely to make me come over all spiritual, but I still wondered what a hardened secularist like me could gain from a few weeks of talking to people, attending services and celebrating festivals at a time of religious abundance.

BUDDHISM What I did: Spoke online with a practising Buddhist.

T

he Buddhists, though perhaps less concerned with figureheads than the other religions I looked into, celebrate the birth, death and rebirth of Buddha on May 2. However, I spoke to Lilia Stace who is a Mahayana Buddhist; they celebrated the Buddha Shakyamuni’s birthday with a festival of flowers or Hanamatsuri in the week of March 3. There are not as many similarities between this and other faiths I know about, although the need to be cleansed in readiness is a ritual that occurs over and over. Looking your best for something important just makes sense. She took her children to their medita-

tion centre in Leeds and they all made flower shrines to mark the place in which Buddha is supposed to have been born.

Most likely to: Involve the family.

THe STats The 2001 Census in York divides religious groups as follows: Christian

74%

No Religion

16.6%

Muslim

0.6%

Buddhist

0.2%

Hindu

0.2%

Jewish

0.1%

Sikh

0.1%

What I did: Attended a Sabbath service in commemoration of Passover and talked to a Rabbi about what faith is about.

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Judaism

part from defending myself from the occasional anti-Semitic joke, my (part) Judaism has rarely been more than an interesting feature of my back story, a sort of party-piece which allows me to use brilliant Yiddish words like ‘schmuck’ as if my family and I are straight out of the shetl circa 1910. However, of all the faiths I visited this holidays, Judaism remains the one that can take me on a personal journey. My cynical side wants to say this is because I want to feel special, that not only does it make me different from my fellow nothing-excitingor-bad-happens-to-me suburbanite but it also tells me that I am a chosen person. The draw of Passover is it is the time of year that, broadly-speaking, we, the Jews, tell ourselves why we are special, why God saved us and what his plan is for our future.

The point of the Pesach meals (there’s that Yiddish again) and the services is to retell the story of Exodus from the Torah (the first five books of the OT bible) and to pass it on to the next generation. It is about teaching this story and the Pesach meals even have a text book, the haggadah, so it certainly seems a place to start re-rooting myself.

Although I have celebrated Pesach before, I have never done the serious bit of attending the Shabbat service (to commemorate the start of the Sabbath).

Attending Shabbat at the Sinai synagogue, Leeds was far more unsettling than I thought it would be. Maybe it was because it was in Hebrew and sung in chords I did not recognise, maybe it was that the rest of the congregation were speeding through the service, which is in part the same every Friday and Saturday, or maybe it was the fact that the Rabbi was Australian. Whatever the case, I felt like I was completely alien to their world and this experience.

Though I showed my little knowledge by flipping the pages right to left, I was a step behind in those moments where the congregation bows and turns to the altar.

The synagogue I attended was Reform and, unlike an Orthodox synagogue, the sexes were mixed together, giving a feel of being egalitarian. This was helped by the fact that everyone says the words of the service, not just the Rabbi. As I followed along both the English segments and the transliterated Hebrew, I found myself saying words that mean

nothing to me, but nonetheless tell a story that means something.

The sense of song, the mix of celebration and commemoration infected me with a calmness that I do not feel elsewhere. I came out of the service perhaps affected by the Mourner’s Kaddish, said for those dead the congregation want to remember at every service, but feeling calmer and thoughtful and maybe a little less cynical.

Speaking with the Rabbi and another member of the congregation afterwards, I explained that I had been drawn to the faith in the last few years, having attended a Pesach meal. Their reaction amused me and confirmed that looking for a sense of belonging will always lead to a false trail. They were, of course, lovely and interested and wanted to

I came out of the service feeling calmer and thoughtful and maybe a little less cynical

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In a less sophisticated act of graffiti, a soft-top was seen at the top of Hes Road daubed with mayonnaise; an alarmingly steady hand had written what seemed to be the Anglo-French word ‘cunts’ on the bonnet. This particularly bawdy term may suggest that the revolution is Anarchic but it seems there may well be a simpler solution, Vision can exclusively reveal.

Despite the police investigation, which meant the inappropriate message remained on the car for two days, the presence of a small, child’s toy car discarded at the bottom of the hill on Hes Road offers another picture. It seems that this filthy insult was a drive-by mayo-ing.

The toy car was found with a cracked seat and it is suspected that the two incidents are connected. Closer attention found a suspect substance, which has been sent into the labs but may match with the sample taken from the car bonnet and provide the final proof. The late hour, the mayo which seems to have originated from the student haunt, Efes, and the child’s toy been left as if cracked under the weight of a young adult - all evidence points to student involvement in this act. Shameful.

YORK VISION

Tuesday May 1, 2007

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14 FEATURES

talk through my ideas with me.

However, as the member of the congregation described what I had said to him, he said I was "feeling guilty" for not attending.

Guilt? The calmness drifted away with the idea that I was obliged to be forgiven for my lack of religious practice. I am after all a product of my secular up-bringing and certainly do not want to be told off for not attending some service. In the end, I really don’t know which was harder: wanting to feel part of something but always being an outsider, giving up unleavened bread for 8 days (apart from when I went for a curry) and eating matzos instead, or realising that I am so conditioned to believe that Faith is an individual thing, that I feel oppressed if someone questions this freedom.

Most likely to: Need constant attention.

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

15

What I did:Attended the York Minster communion service on Easter Sunday and ate a whole huge Easter egg to myself (in the name of research).

y t i n a i t s i chr

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y general cynicism, coupled with my desire to find a more exciting festival than Easter, meant it was quite a chore to get up early on Easter Sunday to attend the Communion service. The idea of sitting in a cold church fills me with dread, first related to my days in a choir and second through my general apathy for Jesus and his flock.

The Minster itself was beautifully decorated and clearly everyone had come dressed to impress God. Looking around at the tweeds and velvet, I felt a little guilty to be slumming it in jeans.

My scruffiness aside, the service commenced with grandeur that wanted to make it clear this was a special day.

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Clearly, everyone had come dressed to impress God. I felt a little guilty wearing jeans

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Johnston made the news the next day, but made me think also that perhaps the Church could be relevant. Unlike the ceremonial parts, which inspired suitable awe and some scorn of its pomposity, the politics that the Archbishop expressed made me think more about the idea that Jesus was living in this generation. As the young and pious girl beside me in church explained to me, Jesus is living because “Jesus is reborn into each generation.” The way he lives is through “our actions and our thoughts.” If those are the politicised actions that the Archbishop suggests then I can think of worse people than this Jesus bloke to live with.

hinduism V

Religion was displaced by throwing coloured poder at everyone in a wild fashion

What I did: Attended Holi and got very messy.

H

If not something which was well explained to me in its religious significance, Holi still taught me that we all need to play sometimes.

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oli was definitely the most fun religious festival that I have attended, mainly because the religious part was completely displaced by eating great food and throwing coloured powder in a wild fashion at everyone present. It is a very joyful event and I got completely lost in the moment of immersion.

In remembering my dalliance into Holi on a previous occasion in America, I contacted an old friend who I knew had got equally messy with me on that occasion. Amarita explained the story I missed out on before. Holi traditionally commemorates the legend of Prahlada who angered his father by worshiping God so much that the father tried to kill him in many ways. Finally Prahlada was placed on the lap of Holika, the father's sister and burnt. Only Holika burnt and as she did she called out for everyone to remember the day as good had triumphed over evil. I am rather glad that I didn't know that our innocent fight was representing the fire but then I suppose I should have guessed that the truth was more violent and less happy than first suspected.

The clue should really have been in the amount of joy everyone was getting from brandishing water guns and disseminating the powder!

Celebrating Holi.

Photo by Claudia Stern r

The singing was exquisite, as can be imagined, and I enjoyed this sense of ceremony.

However, it was the sermon that Archbishop, Dr John Sentamu delivered which made me sit up in my chair. His concern for Alan

Most likely to: Politicise the masses.

RY T O T W E F AND A . ..

R A E Y T X E N ✰HOLA MAHALLA/MOHALLA, 4TH MARCH (SIKH) ✰VARSHA-PRATIPADA, 19TH MARCH (HINDU) ✰NAW-RU, 21ST MARCH (BAHA'I) ✰JAMSHEDI NORUZ, 21ST MARCH (ZOROASTRIAN) ✰SPRING EQUINOX, 21ST MARCH (PAGAN)

16 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION

TAKING ON THE TOUTS

Tuesday May 1, 2007

inside view #5 Women's Cricket

Rachael Eyton thinks ticket touts need a good talking to... order to secure the highest possible number of tickets. The tickets will then be sold on at mark-ups of often 200% on ticket exchange websites such as www.gumtree. com or most commonly on ebay.

In their defence, the touts simply say: “It’s helping the real fans get in, the ones who are a bit disorganised”. They believe they’re just helping out those who missed out the first time around, supplying for the demand so that everyone’s happy, making a small profit of

Touts used to be men with cardboard signs, now it's a million dollar internet industry

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ittle 12-year-old Jessica had been looking forward to seeing her favourite band McFly for ages and, when she heard they would be playing a gig near her, she started to save up all her pocket money so she could afford to go. Finally, the day came when the tickets went on sale and Jessica sat excitedly by her computer, confident that her McFly dreams were only a few clicks away. Unfortunately for her, the website crashed and by the time it was back up all the tickets were gone and little Jess’ heart was broken. Assumedly, you'd think that the quick sell-out time was due to McFly’s popularity and that Jess was just unlucky this time.

Wrong. Within hours of going on sale, tickets could be found on ebay going for 3 times their face value, way out of most people’s price range. Ticket touts:1, Little Jessica: 0. Once a trade confined to the streets and men with homemade cardboard signs, ticket touting has now evolved into a thriving multimillion pound industry, creating a secondary market where you can get tickets for any occasion possible. From music gigs to major sporting events, the touts have got it covered and can be found overcharging genuine fans the world over. It’s estimated that £54million a year is made through touting, with over 2.23million tickets exchanging hands.

The concept is simple: touts buy multiple tickets the minute they go on sale, often using complex multi-hit software to make numerous links to the sites i n

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Sooooo…women’s cricket.

Pretty much what it says on the tin. This is a club for girls who play cricket. Quite successfully in fact, reaching the BUSA semi finals at Lords, the HOME of cricket. The intention behind attending women's cricket, aside from a) I had to write about SOMETHING and b) I own a cricket jumper and thought it would be wise to check out the sport in case interrogated on my sartorial choice one day, was c) I would like to actually understand what is going on the next time the Ashes or something similar is on television, in the news, in fact EVERYWHERE, as sports that England have a tiny chance of winning in generally are.

Plus, with all the controversy over the Cricket World Cup, it’s a topical choice.

Unfortunately, my dreams that I was an as yet undiscovered cricketing fiend, set to turn the world of international women’s cricket upsidedown, were not only entirely unfounded (I was rubbish at primary school - why should I have improved in a decade featuring nothing ressembling cricket, except perhaps rounders. A bit.) but dashed, brutally. Having limited aptitude at batting, finding the position I was teased into by a forthright member of the team pretty awkward to assume, I moved onto bowling. Much worse, but, as with all things, practise makes perfect. Not so for me, however; two sessions later and I was still throwing balls only a giant would demand. I tend to think I am more suited to fielding: less strenuous exercise and none of the crazy positioning warranted by batting. I have to say here that the cricket I tried out was slightly adapted for indoor use, this being at the end of last term, and that this term will obviously be filled with delightful outdoor cricket, in the ‘sunshine’. Therefore, fielding will probably be slightly less of a breeze, there being infinitely more space for the ball to travel.

UYWCC (University of York Women’s Cricket Club) is a really good laugh, I have to say, especially if you have a couple of friends there. The girls are really welcoming and it’s clearly a club with its fair share of ‘banter’. Having been on the mailing list for a year now, after being overly enthusiastic at the AU Mart, I know that there is a great club spirit and they are all game for a laugh, as their involvement in the naked AU calendar is testament to.

Training is on Fridays, 1pm2:30pm, at the sports centre.

course to cover their costs. In reality, however, it is them creating the demand as they deprive the ‘real fans’ of so many tickets in the first place.Whilst touting may seem like a minor inconvenience to some, it is in fact undermining the whole entertainment industry, an issue which has been taken up by Culture S e c r e t a r y,

inside report inclusive/cliquey active/sedate

[Poor little Jessica never got to see McFly]

Tessa Jowell MP and the Department for Media, Culture and Sport. Several ‘Tout Summits’ have been held over the past few years, attended by representatives from all sections of the industry.

Having stopped short of legislating against touting (primarily to avoid criminalising genuine fans trying to sell unwanted tickets) measures have been put in place, such as: creating national black-lists of known touts, establishing a more effective returns policy, banning the sale of futures (selling tickets that an individual doesn’t actually have yet) and setting up a ‘shop-a-tout’ hotline.

Whilst the government is doing what it can (such as introducing a new European law ‘Unfair Commercial Practices Directive’) the pressure at the last summit was placed upon individual ticket agencies to combat the problems from their end of the business. A recent successful example of this has been Glastonbury Festival which, this year, introduced a unique registration and photo ID system to combat the touts. Despite the fact that 400,000 people registered for the available 177,500 tickets and many were therefore left disappointed, the scheme has been declared a success by event organiser, Michael Eavis, who has previously spoken out against the touts, saying: “I hate the idea of people treating tickets to my festival as a commodity so they can make money”. Add to the success of this the shutting down of many renowned touting sites such as www.tickttout.com and the landmark closure of www. getmetickets.com, and it seems that touting can be combated, as long as enough people are organised and dedicated enough to see their plans through.

But what can you, the humble fan, do from your level?

Basically DON’T BUY FROM TOUTS. They will overcharge you for tickets that will most probably turn out to be fake or which may not even arrive at all.

You will be left out of pocket and outside of the gig venue.

WEBSITES TO USE: meanfiddler.com seetickets.com gigsandtours.com ticketmaster.co.uk lastminute.com

WEBSITES TO AVOID: splendidtickets.com clickfortickets.com anyworldwideevent.com ticketssoldout.co.uk ticketsolutions.com

TOPS TIPS TO AVOID THE DA S TA R D LY TOUTS -Know when tickets go on sale and be ready.

-Sign up to band mailing lists, which often give exclusive, presale information to registered members.

-Never trust anyone on ebay.

The sob stories about having to sell their tickets because their cat died and they can't make it to the gig are ALL LIES. -If you are desperate, use more reputable and ethical exchange websites such as scarletmist. com, where tickets are only ever sold on at face value.

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

17

UNDERSTANDING THE PARIAH INTERVIEW :

Should we fear Iran?

Iain Withers speaks to Haleh Afshar OBE, the UK's leading expert on Middle Eastern politics

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. His insistence on Iran's right to engage in a nuclear enrichment policy has proved controversial

Y

ork graduate Chris Air is plucked from the choppy waters of the Gulf and manhandled into Iranian territory.

Chris and the fourteen other British Navy personnel taken hostage by Iran became the centrepieces of an extraordinary parlour game last month under the intense glare of the media spotlight and sweltering Middle Eastern sun.

Dispatched into the cauldron of a volatile region and fractured Iranian regime, media pundits everywhere were left foundering as to what was going to happen next. After twelve days of seemingly interminable “generous hospitality” from the Iranian security forces (or should that be holiday reps?), Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, grinning from ear to ear, every inch the showman, took the final curtain with the surprise announcement of the British Navy personnel’s release after twelve days of media managed ego massage.

For Britain it was a diplomatic disaster. Iranian-born Haleh Afshar OBE and leading UK expert

in Middle Eastern politics at York spoke to Vision about what she saw as a “ridiculous fiasco.”

“I was amazed at the British

It seems unreasonable to say the West can have nuclear power but Iran can't incompetence to have a navy which actually cannot deliver protection to its own fleet,” Haleh told Vision.

"If you can't protect the navy you shouldn't send them out. At least somebody in London should

sit down and think what kind of ship or naval force can operate in the shallow waters of the gulf. And that seems to me to be the kind of mistakes the British made in the first Gulf War. Surely they're not likely to make it again!"

Haleh took on one of Iran's more challenging professions before moving to England - that of being a journalist.

"It was not easy. There was a representative from the secret police hanging over you and if they didn’t like what you wrote then they would just cut bits out of your articles. So I did occassionaly have articles with irrevelant pictures in the middle of it because they didn’t like what I’d said. We all got very good at saying what we wanted without actually being caught."

Iran's regime has gained notoriety for its human rights abuses and its aggressive rhetoric towards the state of Israel. The real tragedy behind the Iran hostage crisis, Haleh explains, was that Ahmadinejad was in a very vulnerable position before the hostage taking.

"It was pure opportunism,"

York graduate Chris Air paraded on Iranian TV during the hostage crisis Haleh argues. "The really sad story was that the Iranian parliament was planning to impeach Ahmidenegad. They saw an opportunity, they grasped it and in the fiasco they did incredibly well. I am incredibly saddened."

The British government hardly helped stem the tide of political capital flowing Iran's way.

"Strategically, they were wrong to be aggressive when they couldn't do anything about it. The Iranian government are unfortunately making very advantageous hay out of this because of the way the West and particularly America are posturing irrationally over everything Iran do."

Haleh also sheds light on the factors behind Iran's increasing prominence. Iran has been trying to set an example of an Islamic fundamentalist state for others to follow for years, but had been largely ignored until Western interventions in Iraq managed to turn Iran from a derided state to an exemplary power in the Middle East and somewhere that people always turn to.

"What Iraq has done is empowered Iran in a way that Iran could never have dreamt of being empowered."

Haleh suggests that the media fervour surrounding the Iran hostage crisis has not helped disipate the swelling egos of Iran's hierarchy. She is concerned that Western media coverage perpetuates the double standards of Western societies towards Middle Eastern politics.

"I find myself in a very difficult position. I have been an outspoken critic of the Iranian regime since the revolution and I remain so.

And yet I find in this particular case that Iran really was in a quandary. First of all everybody said they were abusing and torturing the prisoners and all the rest of it.

So they put the prisoners on show, I assume to show that they weren't torturing them and they were treating them well, and from what came out in the published press you'd think they had been tortured. And you know that they were certainly treated better than the Iranians detained in Iraq."

"It just seems to me we have to have a clear understanding of what you do with prisoners. If a treatment is fair for the British prisoners taken by Iranians then the same treatment should be given to Iranian prisoners."

"The Iranian transgressors detained by the U.S in Iraq have not even been allowed to be seen by the Iranian consular. It just seems to me that there are two very different standards."

The cynicism of Western states extends into democratisation policies, Haleh notes.

"Iraqis are bombed in order to become democratic and then when the Palestinians democratically elect their own government, the West says 'that's not the kind of democracy I had in mind.'"

Given the escalation in aggressive rhetoric of late, should we fear Iran?

"I really don't think Iran has any plans of threatening the West, simply because they have absolutely no advantage from threatening the West."

"I actually think unfortunately this is leading to increasing popularity for Ahmadinejad. But I do not think that this will mean you will have a group of Iranians jumping on planes and trying to shoot people."

Iraq has empowered Iran in a way that Iran could never have dreamt possible And what of the latest political blimp to float into view? Just last week, European diplomats made a breakthrough in arranging talks on Iran's nuclear policy. Are we really meant to take Iran's line that they are only interested in a civic nuclear power policy?

"I think that Iran is a country which is five times as large as France. It really does need a great deal of energy as it's growing fast like everybody else. There is a need for nuclear power and at a time when even Britain is thinking of returning to nuclear power, it seems unreasonable to say Western people can have nuclear power if they so wish, but Iranians shouldn't."

"If you look at the fiasco that's happening in Iraq, which has one of the largest reserves of oil, they still do not actually have enough electricity to provide lights and refrigeration and then you see that even in the Middle East there is a need for a backup system."

Iran feels victimised because, despite having never been colonised directly, their oil reserves were long in the hands of Western companies. "Iran has had two revolutions and a coup d'etat in order to get rid of the control of the West over the oil."

Given her expertise in Middle Eastern politics, can she see any cause to be optimistic about the likelihood of peace in the Middle East?

"I don't think there is anything inevitable about disasters in the Middle East. We have to start by beginning to treat all people equally. What we need is to allow Iran to sort out their own problems, and believe you me, they can do it."

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE Tuesday May 1, 2007

V

18 LIFESTYLE

>FOOD

>STYLE

>TRAVEL

BODY TALK

Lucy Taylor reconsiders disordered eating habits

“It makes me angry to think that I have spent the last years ten wor rying about my weight, c a l l i n g m y s e l f and ugly, feeling too disgusting to be in a serious relationship,” says the female student who has agreed to talk to me about her troubled relationship with her body. “All of this because I am that dreaded thing ‘fat’ - a term I have repeatedly used about myself when I have been a size 8 and when I was a size 20.”

The York postgraduate now describes herself as a “recovered bulimic”, but admits that the condition will always be difficult to contain.

“At my worst extremes of self-loathing I was throwing up and taking laxatives at least every three days to try and weight my maintain through the cycles of bingeing and starving myself.

I suppose I came through it with the help of anti-depressants, counselling and psychotherapy, but that only really gave me the opportunity to realise why I might be trying to control my eating, and consequently my life, in this disordered way.

“I can offer up many reasons that I might have become bulimic, but actually that’s really unimportant because what happened to me was that I could no longer control circumstances in my life,” she continues. “Things happened that upset me and left me on the verge of depression, and my bulimia was a coping mechanism. I have had to learn to see it as a symptom, not a problem in itself.”

The most shocking thing

about this is the extent to which it mirrors, to some extent, the relationship that most of us have with food. Who has never called themselves fat - overweight or otherwise? Who has never binged on chocolate as a comfort food to distract them from something in stressful another aspect of their life?

It is to this t h at end Christina Kenny, York another postgraduate is student, a founding new discussion group this term for women to talk about their bodies: “What I really hope is that women across the spectrum will feel able to come to the group and discuss the way they eat and the way they feel about their body shape,” says Kenny.

“It isn’t only those people diagnosed with bulimia or anorexia who have issues sometimes with what they consume. Everyone worries about their weight occasionally.

“We are bombarded with images of skinny and fat women and details of new diets every day in magazines and on the TV,” she adds. “I think that really makes a difference to the way we view and categorise ourselves, and in a lot of ways, it can be very undermining.”

The Food and Bodies Group is being run in conjunction with the University Counselling Service, but Kenny hopes to offer a different style of therapy to the one currently being offered.

“At the moment, the counselling

service is so oversubscribed that if you register now might not be able to get an appointment this term. I hope that by being offered the chance to come to my group, women will be able to discuss theses issues with like-minded people and it could well take at least some of the pressure away from the registered university counsellors,” she says.

The former bulimic I spoke to, who prefers not to be named, describes what can happen when issues with food and body image are allowed to spiral out of control: “The weirdest thing about being bulimic was always that I remained fully aware of how ridiculous it was.

"As commonly happens, I was split into two types of person: the one who knew she had a problem, and the one who was hung over a toilet-bowl.

“This split compounded in what has been called body dysmorphia. I no longer knew what I really looked like in the mirror. It was actually a seriously odd experience, I used to stand in front of the mirror and just looking at myself I was able to somehow make myself expand and shrink back to actual size,” she explains.

“I cannot explain it any better than to say it is like when you move in front of a fairground mirror, only I was standing still.

Just as my rational side was clearly able to cut in to override what I thought about myself, it also continuously made me feel guilty about the fact that I was so vain, I was so wasteful, there were always people worse off; I did not want to be someone who spent her life preoccupied with appearances.”

For now, she feels proud to have conquered a demon that took over her life for more than five difficult years.

“I threw-up for the last time on February 28th 2003. I keep this day, usually by going out with close friends, to remind me of how far I have come.

“I feel that I no longer need to worry about what might have got me to the point where I would self-

harm through bulimia because what is important is to recognise when I am getting into the mindset that allowed me to be like this.

If I start to worry too much, to think about my weight, to feel unattractive alarm bells ring in my head. Despite the fact I am not the skinny bulimia ‘survivor’ that the media gives us, I have to believe that this was never really about my weight.”

P20

V UNDISION GO E MISRCOVE ES SY ORKR AT

P30 CATCHING SUN IN SORRENTO

P31 NG I K E LOO STYL MFORND CA ROU PUS

P32 EAT YOURSELF SMART

19

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

Tuesday May 1, 2007

HARDCORE CANDY

Vision pits girls vs. boys in a challenge to get some hardcore action from Gaydar.com. Jon Mallam and Sarah Kendall report back from the candy shop

F

don’t get me wrong – but the idea of sitting in a boiling room with my arse stuck to a sweaty bench hardly makes me come over all queer), ‘vacuum pumping’ (can someone please tell me what that is- Wikipedia and Jeeves are clueless), ‘vanilla’ (is this really a sexual ‘fetish’??), ‘masturbation’ (who the hell doesn’t?), ‘mistresses and dogs’ (not much of a stretch of the imagination if you see some of the profiles) to my personal favourite: ‘bears’…

I get tons of messages from people with fantastically diverse sexual tastes, probably because my list is longer than my CV. Yesterday a self-defined ‘gay man’ in a relationship with ‘the guy of his dreams’ mailed me to say “I’d love to piss on a woman. Especially a kinky one like you”. Gay men seem to love my profile. Gaydar Girls is a whole other kettle of fish, so to speak. Haven’t heard a sausage from anyone…

Gaydar is fun, informative, reassuring and occasionally ego boosting, but not really the place to find the man/woman/bear/ all 3 simultaneously, that you have been looking for all your life. Once the initial sugar rush

BOYS M

has dissipated, all that remains is the terrible knowledge that – thanks to their handy GPS positioning tool - there are no attractive sexual deviants

There are a range of fetishes tochoose from - my personal favourite was 'bears'

V

antastic! I think – as F, Bi, 23, who ‘finds transsexuals attractive’. This is it- my first time on Gaydar and I feel like a kid in a sweetshop on pocket money day.

I open his profile… So. Ok. I may have some “unusual” fetishes but does that really mean I’m doomed to meeting sagging pensioners with names like ‘fister’ who have the same taste in M&S hot pink lace shorties as me and list their favourite author as ‘none’? It’s a bit like those flying saucer sweets I used to buy with my last 10p: all of that dry, flaky, icky wafer stuff just to get to a small amount of second rate sherbet that rarely melts in your mouth.

Gaydar is a veritable Skittles packet of colourful sexual deviants, many of whom literally want you to ‘Taste The Rainbow’. They helpfully provide you with a tick box of fetishes to structure your profile. These range from ‘saunas’ (I like a good sauna –

GIRLS

V

‘M, transvestite, 50, wltm F/M for fun times’.

within a 300 mile radius of you.

Or if there are, they are fucking weird.

If you wanna check it out for yourself try www.Gaydar.com or www.faceparty.com

Society Stunner Name: Anne-Sophie Noten Society: The Club of P.E.P. Position: Social Secretary College: Derwent

You are Fit. Well done

Could your Society Stunner sizzle in Vision? Or is your entire society just chock-full of hotties? Share your fitness with the world!

Send any photos to life@vision.york.ac.uk

y sister is four years younger than me and ‘came out’ two years after me, yet in the carpet licking/dick sucking race she’s already a dot on the horizon.

Don’t think this is a looks game. We look very alike, and we’re quite happy thank you.

No, this all comes down to the online dating game. While I was still getting my kicks from wanking over her posters of Adam Rickett (a cunning ploy pour les parents), she was secretly traveling the country to go down on complete strangers.

Taking pity she pointed me in the direction of Faceparty.com.

Kindly, too, she helped me sell myself.

‘Classical music, reading and Have I Got News For You?!’ she said aghast. ‘Johnny you sound so fucking sad, no one is ever going to message you’.

‘Well what should I put?’

‘Oh give it here’ Dance/hangin out wiv me mates/the L Word ‘Vic I’m not a lesbian’ ‘Okay then, put Queer as Folk’ While I was quite willing to drop my pants, I would never drop my ‘g’s. Faceparty therefore remained an unqualified

failure. Much more recently, in conversation with Sarah, I mentioned the existence of Gaydar. I’d had a profile for years but had decided to make a more concerted effort. In the four weeks that have passed since then Sarah has received so many offers of sex (from gay men) she’s thinking of hiring admin. Mine’s a different story.

Despite all the pretty pictures I get no invitations to taste anyone’s rainbow. Not a single skittle. I don’t really want to be torn apart by a fifty one year old trucker who goes by the name of ‘anal_impaler’, nor do I want to be shat on by a tranny, but I wouldn’t mind the offer. Dick in hand, I went to Sarah for advice. What was the problem? Sarah performed her diagnostics and returned with the following report: ‘I’m sorry honey, but your fetishes are denim and wrists…’. I’ve always thought that Gaydar was a broad church, but it’s clear that its congregation has a penchant for the fetish, and we’re not talking Levis.

Evidently online dating is not for everyone. Still. Check out johnnygarnier at Gaydar.com and tell me…do you prefer stone wash or indigo dyed?

20 FEATURES

YORK VISION

Tuesday May 1, 2007

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

SEXIST OR SEXY? MISS YORK 07 Beauty before brains? Outdated and sexist? Lucy Taylor questions why we convinced her to enter Miss York 2007

F

orget world peace and swimsuits - it’s tough being a beauty queen in the 21st century. A nice smile and the ability to strut your stuff in a bikini, it seems, are no longer enough. The modern Miss York needs brains, a winning personality and a very big heart to go along with them. Or so Vivienne Lee, the organiser of this year’s competition, assures us.

"The judges are looking for looks, personality and someone who wants to take part in a year of events as Miss York,” she told me. “Miss York is an ambassador to the city in many different ways; not least by raising funds for the local charity Guardian Angels, to provide a high-dependency unit for children in this area.

“Every finalist is expected to try to organise a fundraising event in the weeks leading up

Beauty queens aren't just blondes with big boobs and no brains to the final, and there will be an award on the night for “Miss Charity”, the girl who raises the most, as well as the overall “Miss York”. This upholds the competition’s ethos of ‘Beauty with a Purpose.’”

Herself a former Miss Sheffield and onetime finalist of Miss UK, Vivienne revived the Miss York contest in 2005 after an absence of twenty years from the city. This year, I was persuaded to enter the competition to try to understand how the concept of a beauty contest can fit with modern ideas of femininity, and - dare I suggest it - feminism. Can a competition which judges young girls on the way they look ever be considered empowering for women?

It certainly isn’t unpopular. This year’s contest received more than 170 applications from the York area, and organisers already have a list of 75 girls who are interested in applying next year. Of this year’s intake, 55 were selected for the semi-finals in April, and 35 - including myself - chosen to go through to the final in May. If you’ve ever seen The Apprentice on the TV, you will be able to imagine the style of the boardroom in which the semi-finals were held. Three judges sat behind a table not much smaller than Sir Alan’s, and a queue of girls crowded nervously outside waiting to be called in one-by-one.

The atmosphere was tense but friendly, and the girls were varied in looks and personality.

Some were really young - the accepted age range is between 17 and 24 - and some were noticeably more confident than others. Sophie, who was just 17, sat reading lines in a script for a casting

call she had two days later; she was hoping to use the Miss York contest to get herself noticed for other modelling and acting jobs. Krystal was here for the third year running, having failed to qualify at the first attempt. This was obviously very important to a lot of the girls.

Once inside the room, I was interviewed by the judges about my life and interests, and then asked to walk around the room for the judges to rate my poise and posture. I then had to pose for a photograph.

I never expected to be put through to the final.

Katie Norville is another York student to have reached the final round of the competition. I asked her why she had decided to enter a beauty contest.

“To be honest, I’m quite ambitious,” she answered. “I really just wanted to try my luck as a competitor and see how far I would get. It sounded like something fun and challenging, so I thought I might as well give it a go.

“I’m studying for a biology degree, specialising in molecular cell biology, so I’m really pleased that by being selected for the final I can begin to dispel the myth that all scientists are geeks. We can be pretty and interesting, too.”

Katie is unusual in that she has lived in York all her life, and stayed here to come to university.

“I feel I’m the ideal person to represent the city, because I’ve lived here for such a long time and yet I’ve seen it from both perspectives,” she said. “I really want to try to prove to the judges on the night of the final that I am the right person to be an ambassador for York.”

The next stage in the contest is a dressy

evening event in May, in which all finalists will be introduced onto the stage wearing firstly matching outfits of short denim skirts and white t-shirts, and secondly individual evening dresses.

How do I feel about this? In an age when femininity seems increasingly defined by beauty and sexuality - girls learn poledancing and swot up on sex tips as a means of “empowerment” - wearing a dress and walking round a stage doesn’t seem too outrageous. Gone, at least, are the days of parading round in a bikini in front of a host of male judges.

Katie argues that the stereotype beauty queen, “blonde with big boobs and no brains”, is fading, in favour of a more intelligent and sensitive image.

Organiser Vivienne Lee suggests that taking part in the competition can only be a positive experience for Miss York contestants: “The competition gives young women the opportunity to enjoy different experiences; to fund raise; to travel extensively if they win and go through to the final of Miss England; and to progress their chosen careers.”

Nonetheless, it does seem to me at best a little shallow, harmless fun, at worst an outdated, anti-feminist institution. Katie Norville describes herself as “excited, and happy, but very nervous” to have made the final.

“I’m looking forward to it a lot.

Obviously, it’s all a bit superficial,” she adds. “But it’s just a bit of fun.”

INTERVIEW :

Catrina Lakin is the current Miss York and she talks to Vision about her experiences over the past year When Catrina Lakin entered the Miss York competition along with a friend back in March 2006, she never imagined that she would go on to win.

“We both entered each other, just for fun really,” she said. “My friend dared me to enter and I dared her to enter, and then when it came to it we found out we had both got through to the final. It was really exciting; neither of us expected it at all.”

I met Catrina in Freshers during the Easter vacation to ask how her year as Miss York has been. Tall and skinny, I can see how she managed to win the competition. Catrina herself, though, is surprisingly shy about her looks.

The 20-year-old, who studies music at Oxford Brookes university, pulled out all the stops to try to ensure she would be given the chance to represent her home city: “I enrolled on a confidence course to learn how to walk and pose like a model, and that really helped me when it came to the final,” she said.

“Before that, I didn’t really know what to expect at all. I was quite nervous, as you can imagine, and I had never done anything like this before. I had to go shopping for an evening gown - I ended up buying my dress from Primark!”

As Miss York, however, Catrina was measured for a personally-designed dress to wear at the Miss England final, held in Leicester last June. “Everything about the Miss England competition was amazing,” she said. “I was completely daunted at first, as there were so many girls there, around 80 from the regional heats all around the country.

“The final was a two-day event, but the atmosphere was amazing. It wasn’t bitchy or competitive at all, everyone was very friendly and just as nervous as me. We were all talking and joking, it was really nice.

“For the final, we each had to perform on stage with our own special talent, which some girls found nerveracking. There were a few people all chose the same Shakira song to dance to, which was a shame for them.

Miss York 2006 graces campus with her presence

I'm a music student and I play the cello, so that was fine, but there were all sorts of more unusual talents there. One girl chose cocktail-making as her talent, and took the equipment onto the stage to demonstrate it for her allocated minuteand-a-half. The winner did origami.”

Catrina's favourite part of the competition as a whole?

"Every Miss England finalist spent time in a photo studio having some shots taken for the programme of the event. I've never done any modelling before and it felt so professional. I loved that."

Since the competition, Catrina has spent a year making personal appearances around North Yorkshire, and worked as a reporter for a local radio station during her vacations, having been contacted by the station manager after publicity from the contest.

The two days before I met Catrina she had made two personal appearances, one in York and one further afield, on the Yorkshire coast. Now the year of her reign is drawing to a close with the onset of another final and the coronation of a new Miss York, Catrina hopes to pursue her modelling career more.

"Having won the competition last year, hopefully I will have a slight advantage in that industry," she said. "I've got a portfolio of photos, for one thing, and it's raised my profile a bit.

“This has been a fantastic year. I’ve missed out on some things with being away at university quite often, but I’ve still had lots of opportunities. And it’s nice to be able to balance the two sides of me, so that my degree isn’t the be-all and end-all of what I do.”

Photos by Tom Hole

29

ROSES07 MOORE: PREVIEW PULL-OUT SPECIAL!

WE HAVE TO WIN

BY DARIUS AUSTIN

With Roses 2007 just days away, the preparations of York’s AU President Tom Moore are nearly complete.

He claimed that “Lancaster’s whole year has been based around winning Roses”, underlining the huge pressure on him to deliver the Carter-James trophy into White Rose hands “York hasn’t lost on home soil for 26 years and I would be devastated if that record ended this year,” he told Vision.

s r a e y 26 since York lost a home Roses...

Continued on page two

...so the pressure's on Tom to win the battle P2-3 FOOTBALL

MATCH GUIDE P6 CENTRE PAGES RUGBY

2 SPORT:ROSES

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

LaurieALLSOPP sports@vision.york.ac.uk

Photo: Tom Hole

FOOTBALL: MEN'S 1STS SUNDAY, 2.30,

Expect a Super Sunday of top Roses clashes Roses: the pinnacle of York’s sporting year. An entire weekend dedicated to reviving the ancient struggles between the White rose and the Red.

Reputations can be built, and ruined. A victory makes it one of the best days in a player’s life.

Defeat? Well, you can always do a Masters to have another crack can’t you?

BUSA results suggest Lancaster have the edge, but the sporting cliche applies - the form book does indeed fly straight out the window.

Of course, home advantage is crucial and defeat unthinkable.

Greenshields has put a lot into securing victory in 2007.

Greenshields looked to put all his players in hostel accomodation over the weekend, and was quoted in Lancaster paper Scan as saying "we have taken [preparations for] Roses to another level".

Part of this is a drinking ban on the night before matches, and all clubs have had to sign a commitment to good conduct.

For this was something that marred last year’s tournament.

After being banned from the 2005 event, Lancaster’s Rugby Club proceeded to embarrass their university all over again with

Lancaster's Rugby players celebrate in style last year York haven’t lost a home Roses since 1981 - Should it happen and Tom Moore’s AU Presidency will be stained by it forevermore.

The odds are stacked in York’s favour. I can honestly say that I had the worst night’s sleep in my life when I reported on Roses last year - using a lecture room floor as a bed is hardly great preparation for a top game.

Then there’s the home support. A huge crowd turned out to roar Lancaster’s Rugby sides home last time around, and a lot of people braved the rain the next day to take in the Football games.

They’ll be hoping that memories of last year can inspire them again.

But recent history makes the White Rose top dog. In 2002 York took the title in Lancaster, before following it up with a home win the next year. Lancaster were embarrassed in 2005 as they left York having been dished up a huge defeat.

And Lancastrian bums were on the edge of their seats last year as York’s massive last-day effort got them within touching distance of the hosts’ total.

With history against them, Red Rose AU President Dave

some behaviour that was nothing short of disgusting.

The Rugby games last year were played on the Saturday afternoon, leaving the Red Rose yobbos ample opportunity to get absolutely smashed - for the rest of the weekend.

During the Football 1sts match on the Sunday they streaked, invaded the pitch and allegedly hurled sexist abuse at a female steward before spitting beer in her face.

Word from inside the AU is that Lancaster Rugby Club aren’t welcome anywhere this side of the Pennines - never mind the Roses Ball.

And this has got to have had some influence on the decision to schedule most of the big games for the Sunday.

It was a tough decision to take, and barely 400 tickets have been sold for the Roses Ball.

But the AU hope it will pay off. The double showcase of the Men's Rugby and Football 1sts could decide the tournament, and problems of hooliganism will hopefully be avoided.

York should win. But no-one can afford to take their foot off the gas, such will be the strength of the Red Rose challenge.

York Vision Roses Supplement: Editors Laurie Allsopp and Darius Austin

PARDEEP SINGH

DANIEL BROWN

Unrivalled ability to link play between midfield and attack has seen him maintain his position t as lynch-pin in the firs team squad. His ability to lead and finish attacks will be essential to a victory on Sunday.

playerwatch

sonifies As captain Brown per team. everything about the ion, A hard-working, all-act e abl central midfielder cap of producing something e istl special. When the wh goes on Sunday he'll be where he wants to be most: at the centre of the game.

playerwatch

Moore: "I'd be DEVASTATED to lose" Continued from front page It would be a massive blow if Lancaster were to retain the trophy on White Rose soil.

And AU President Tom Moore is acutely aware of the tournament's significance for everyone involved.

“Roses really does mean an awful lot to a lot of people. There is no worse feeling for a competitor than losing a Roses fixture and no better than winning. Trust me - I’ve experienced both.”

Out of over a hundred fixtures, Moore identifies the football and

rugby as huge games that should be well worth watching, as well as the hockey, netball and lacrosse matches.

The president is particularly looking forward to the rowing, which should be highly competitive with several international standard rowers involved.

Moore is also quick to point out that “every single fixture is important".

"With the winning university having to reach 126 to assure the victory, a first team result worth an eight point swing can make all the

difference,” he said.

Roses is not all about competing. Moore recommends that everyone make an effort to watch some games; a prospect made even more pleasurable by the availability of free Walls ice cream. RAG will also be organising abseiling and a team activity day to provide some entertainment for the more active fans.

There was one final word of encouragement from Moore: “I’d just like to wish all you competitors the very best of luck over the weekend,” he declared, adding “not that I think we need it!”

YORK VISION

SPORT:ROSES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

22 ACRES

BROWN LOOKS TO TEAM SPIRIT

> Skipper believes "underdog" tag can spur York to victory

BY DOMINIC O'SHEA The Men’s 1sts will approach their 2007 Roses fixture with high expectations, and deservedly so after a successful season which saw them top their BUSA division and reach the NUL Cup Final.

But can they take that form into the biggest game in the UYAFC calendar?

Lancaster are likely to provide York with their toughest test of the campaign, having finished runners-up in BUSA 2A, two leagues above York.

The Red Rose have six wins and a draw from their 10 BUSA matches so York will need the sort of high tempo performance they have pulled out against the likes of Leeds, Newcaste and Manchester this season in an attempt to gain the 4 points at stake.

UYAFC President Simon Oatridge reflected the club’s spirit in the build up to the game: “Fresh from our exploits on tour in Amsterdam, UYAFC are approaching Roses 2007 with a healthy amount of optimism, reflecting what has been an extremely successful season.”

On paper York would seem the underdogs, but this has been a common feeling for the team, often battling for vital wins against the larger of the northern universities.

It is this underdog tag that they have

Confidence high for Volleyball

BY BEN BROWN BUSA success has left the men’s volleyball team confident going into the Roses weekend.

With the Lancaster team a division below York, the side is expecting to have the quality to claim the valuable four points.

Spirits are high in the men’s camp. “We’re aiming for our best performance of the season in front of a home crowd,” said President Ben Brown.

The women’s game could be

more of a challenge. The Lancaster team won BUSA Northern Division 2A while the York side finishing 4th in Division 2B. Nonetheless, Brown is positive: “The girls are working hard and with a home crowd behind us, we are looking to get one over Lancaster.”

Brown identifies a key factor, especially for the women’s game, as “getting some York support from the crowd and intimidating Lancaster!”

The mixed game on Sunday will be a very different contest as

there are no other mixed competitions in University volleyball, meaning that both teams will not have played mixed since Roses last year. Brown is aware of the importance of both sexes in claiming victory.

“The mixed game is usually dominated by male hitters and while the women in the team cannot normally win the game, they can definitely lose it. So with our strong men’s team backed up by a solid girls’ performance we are confident of keeping the cup in York.”

accrued from previous struggles that has acted as a springboard for Captain Daniel Brown’s team.

His confidence in his side stems from what he describes as “the experiences that we have had as a team, culminating in the clinching of the BUSA league title."

"Having last year lost a close game away at Lancaster that went to the wire, we have the opportunity to settle the score in front of an atmospheric home crowd,” he continued.

The question is whether York can handle the intensity, pressure and tempo of the big match situation. There have been several moments this season where York have proved that they can rise to the occasion, most notably in the 3-2 comeback win over Leeds 1sts in the NUL Cup semi-final.

Although York will draw belief from these pivotal moments this season, skipper Brown remains focused on the task ahead, warning his players that ”when Roses arrives past glories are forgotten as one of the biggest games of the season gets underway”.

President Oatridge also gave his clubmen some stirring words, calling for “honesty, loyalty and unity".

"For many of the finalists it will be their last ever game for UYAFC, so emotions will be high and they’ll be keen to end their uni careers with one last memorable victory,” he said.

3

ROSES SHORTS Freshers sliding to ski success

BY GEORGE TAYLOR The ski race team are a much improved outfit from last year, and progress shows no sign of stopping.

Skiing talent is now being drawn into the team, under the leadership of Captain Ben Corbey.

“We’ve taken it more seriously this year, with impressive freshers such as Max Hardy bringing their enthusiasm, which allows me to host more training sessions,” he said.

Hardy and fellow fresher Alex Fink have dramatically raised the standard of the team, and the York side have conquered some impressive names this season, including Northumbria.

Clubs the size of Northumbria boast impressive resources, but with an unprecedented 6th place finish amongst the North-Eastern Universities, York is beginning to make its presence felt.

Hardy is understandably expectant of a victory. “Judging by how much I’ve seen the skiing of my team-mates improve this year, I have every confidence that we’re going to give Lancaster a real shock.”

wicked WHISPERS Which prominent club were up to something fishy on campus last week?

Shoppers caught wind of it in a campus store with a rather pungent odour following the club in question around. It turned out the group were performing the club initiation, which involved imbibing alcohol through a new type of funnel. The effects of this activity were later seen on one member's shirt.

Table tennis even stronger than before York's Table Tennis teams will be looking to repeat last year's maximum points haul on Saturday afternoon.

The club can secure a third successive 6-0 victory over the Red Rose.

Out of the eight players selected six played last year and with fairly comfortable wins in Lancaster (15-2 and 11-6 respectively) a similar result is demanded. Six points will be on offer for the mixed teams.

Roses debutant Jan Natolski, ranked first in the University, is expected to put on a whirlwind performance. The games will be played in the main hall - a first for Roses Table Tennis - and should allow enoughspace for Dave Fitzgerald to play some inspiring 10 yard whipped smashes.

4 SPORT:ROSES

YORK VISION

YORK VISION

FRIDAY 11.00

Badminton Mixed 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Badminton Mixed 2nds

2 Points

Main Hall

2 Points

22 Acres

ROSESwatch

4

22

SPORT:ROSES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

Tuesday May 1, 2007

11.30 Cricket Men's 2nds

1

12.00 Indoor Hockey Women's 2nds

1 Point

Squash Men's 2nds

2 points

Gamewatch

3

S Courts

13.00 Indoor Hockey Men's 2nds

1 Point

10

Tent

14.00 Badminton Men's 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Badminton Women's 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Squash Men's 1sts

4 Points

S Courts

Rugby Union 7's Men's 3rds

1 Point

22 Acres

Rugby Union 7's Women's 2nds

2 Points

22 Acres

Skiing Mixed 1sts

4 Points

Sheffield

Skiing Women's

0 Points

Sheffield

Indoor Hockey Women's 1sts

2 Points

Tent

14.30 Rugby Union 7's Men's 2nds

1 Point

22 Acres

Rugby Union 7's Women's 1sts

2 Points

22 Acres

15.00 Rugby Union 7's Men's 1sts

2 Points

22 Acres

Indoor Hockey Men's 1sts

2 Points

Tent

16.00 Darts Women's 1sts

2 Points

JJ's

Darts Men's 1sts

2 Points

JJ's

Futsal Men's 1sts

0 Points

Main Hall

Indoor Football Men's 3rds

1 Point

Squash Women's 1sts

4 Points

Tent S Courts

17.00 Ultimate Mixed 1sts

2 Points

Indoor Cricket Men's 1sts

1 Point 4 Points

Alumni 5-a-side

0 Points

SATURDAY

Tent

Canoe Slalom

0 Points

Teesside

Canoe Men's

2 Points

Teesside

Canoe Women's

2 Points

Teesside

Sailing Mixed 1sts

4 Points

Beaver SC

Trampoline Novice-Elite

4 Points Dance Studio

10.30 Tennis Mixed 1sts

4 Points

T Courts

Hockey Women's 2nds

2 Points

JLD

11.00 Sailing Mixed 2nds

2 Points

Indoor Football Men's 2nds

1 Point

SQUASH - FRIDAY 14.00 Last year's men won Performance of the Year for ending an 18-year Lancaster streak. A win in a tight contest here could be crucial to gain York some momentum on the first day, along with the crunch badminton games taking place nearby in the main hall.Get down to the Sports Centre and watch them both at the same time!

14 11

Gamewatch

Beaver SC Tent

22 Acres

Hockey Men's 1sts

4 Points

JLD

Tennis Men's 1sts

4 Points

T Courts

Tae Kwon Do Men's 1sts

0 Points Dance Studio

15.15 Water Polo Women's 1sts

2 Points

AH Pool

Water Polo Men's 1sts

2 Points

AH Pool

Volleyball Women's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

Fencing Men's 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Canoe Polo Men's 1sts

4 Points

Y Pool

Canoe Polo Women's 1sts

4 Points

Y Pool

4 Points

Tent

Pool Men's 1sts

4 Points

Next Gen

Pool Women's 1sts

4 Points

Next Gen

Rowing Novice 4 (Men & Women) 0 Points

YCBH

Rowing Senior 4 (Men & Women) 8 Points

YCBH

Rowing Novice 8 (Men & Women) 4 Points

YCBH

Rowing Senior 8 (Men & Women) 8 Points

YCBH

17.00

17.30

Gamewatch HOCKEY - SATURDAY 13.30 The hockey teams are playing for 14 points overall on the astroturf and you can see the women trying to take a big step towards overall victory in the firsts game here. The men's 1sts will follow immediately after, so hockey fans should be at the JLD on Saturday afternoon.

Gamewatch

Netball Women's 3rds

1 Point

T Courts

Netball Women's 4ths

0 Points

T Courts

4 Points

22 Acres

2 Points

Tent

Sailing Women

0 Points

Beaver SC

Hockey Men's 2nds

2 Points

JLD

Rugby League Men's 1sts

0 Points

22 Acres

Ballroom Dancing Mixed

4 Points

Goodricke

Tennis Men's 2nds

2 Points

T Courts

Tennis Women's 1sts

4 Points

T Courts

Lacrosse Women's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Cricket Men's 1sts

11.45 Indoor Football Men's 1sts

12

10.30

7 13

8

12.00

12.30

Range

Archery Novice Mixed

2 Points

Range

Archery Senior Male

1 Point

Range

Archery Senior Female

1 Point

Range

Archery Novice Male

1 Point

Range

Archery Novice Female

1 Point

Range

1 Point

Tent

2 Points

Tent

11.45

9

Indoor Football Women's 1sts

4 Points Dance Studio

Netball Women's 2nds

2 Points

Tent

Fencing Men's 2nds

2 Points

Main Hall

Fencing Women's 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Table Tennis Mixed 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Table Tennis Mixed 2nds

2 Points

Main Hall

13.30 Football Men's 3rds

1 Point

Hockey Women's 1sts

4 Points

JLD

Rugby Women's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

22 Acres

14.00 Lacrosse Men's 1sts

4 Points

Indoor Football Women's 2nds

Karate

Snooker Mixed

Archery Senior Mixed

11.00

13.00

11.00

SUNDAY

9.30-11.15

FOOTBALL - SUNDAY 14.30 One of the highlights of the weekend and virtually guaranteed to have a large crowd. If Roses is close the contest will hinge on this final afternoon. Also look out for the big games in rugby, lacrosse, volleyball and basketball taking place on this afternoon.

SATURDAY CONTINUED

16

15

6

NETBALL - SATURDAY 14.30 York narrowly missed out on repeating their treble performance of 2005 last year. The firsts round off the netball fixtures with a vital four points on the line. Will they have the chance to complete the treble too?

11.30

10.00

2 Points

Volleyball Men's 1sts

Gamewatch

Main Hall AH Pool

Rugby Men's 2nds

19.00

Tent

19.00 Swimming

5

15.00

16.00

CRICKET - SATURDAY 11.30 Cricket's indoor stars are hoping to transfer their success to grass. Some good weather on Saturday afternoon will make this an excellent place to be, especially with Tom Moore's suggestion to "sit with a few beers and watch the cricket." Four points are on offer, too.

Tent

5

4 Points 0 Points

Cueball SC 22 Acres

14.30 Netball Women's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

Football Women's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Where you'll find the action...

1- Tent 2- Main Hall/Squash Courts 3 - Tennis Courts 4 - JLD Astroturf 5 - Football 1 6 - Football 2 7 - Football 3 8 - Lacrosse 1 9 - Lacrosse 2 10 - Cricket 1 11 - Cricket 2 12 - Rugby 1 13 - Rugby 2 14 - Range 15 - Pavilion 16 - JJ's

12.00 Hockey Mixed 3rds

1 Point

Korfball Mixed 1sts

0 Points

JLD 22 Acres

12.30 Basketball Women's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

Rugby Men's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Football Men's 2nds

2 Points

22 Acres

4 Points

22 Acres

1 Point

JLD

13.00 Lacrosse Mixed 1sts

13.30 Hockey Mixed 2nds

14.30 Football Men's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Volleyball Mixed 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Basketball Men's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

2 Points

JLD

15.00 Hockey Mixed 1sts

Sailing Mixed 2nds

2 Points

Beaver SC

Indoor Football Men's 2nds

1 Point

Tent

Netball Women's 3rds

1 Point

T Courts

Netball Women's 4ths

0 Points

T Courts

Cricket Men's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Indoor Football Men's 1sts

2 Points

Tent

Sailing Women

0 Points

Beaver SC

Hockey Men's 2nds

2 Points

JLD

Rugby League Men's 1sts

0 Points

22 Acres

Ballroom Dancing Mixed

4 Points

Goodricke

Tennis Men's 2nds

2 Points

T Courts

Tennis Women's 1sts

4 Points

T Courts

Lacrosse Women's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Karate

4 Points Dance Studio

Netball Women's 2nds

2 Points

Tent

Fencing Men's 2nds

2 Points

Main Hall

Fencing Women's 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Table Tennis Mixed 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Table Tennis Mixed 2nds

2 Points

Main Hall

Football Men's 3rds

1 Point

Hockey Women's 1sts

4 Points

JLD

Rugby Women's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Snooker Mixed

4 Points

Cueball SC

Lacrosse Men's 1sts

0 Points

22 Acres

Netball Women's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

Football Women's 1sts

4 Points

22 Acres

Rugby Men's 2nds

2 Points

22 Acres

Hockey Men's 1sts

4 Points

JLD

Tennis Men's 1sts

4 Points

T Courts

TKD Men's 1sts

0 Points Dance Studio

Water Polo Women's 1sts

2 Points

AH Pool

Water Polo Men's 1sts

2 Points

AH Pool

Volleyball Women's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

Fencing Men's 1sts

4 Points

Main Hall

Canoe Polo Men's 1sts

4 Points

Y Pool

Canoe Polo Women's 1sts

4 Points

Y Pool

Volleyball Men's 1sts

4 Points

Tent

22 Acres

6 SPORT:ROSES RUGBY UNION: MEN'S FIRSTS SUNDAY, 12.30, 22 ACRES

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

BRISTLING WITH PURPOSE > Five wins on the trot for UYRUFC as York look to make amends for 2006 loss

BY ALEX CORP It smells like Roses in the UYRUFC camp. Every pass zips a little faster, every scrum collides a little harder and every pounding heart is endured a little longer. Lancaster face a confident squad bristling with purpose.

Club President Danny Stacey knows the side will be fired up: “We’re keen to turn it around after last year’s results, and we’re even more motivated by the effective exclusion of the first team from the big Roses event,” he said.

A draw and five good wins since Christmas mean belief is high in the 1st XV. The White Rose has managed to combine the natural speed and vivacity of their back play with the nous and abrasiveness learnt the hard way in Yorkshire Division 5. With BUSA league packs getting regularly demolished, the side’s devastating counter-attackers are making hay.

York almost needed a wake-up call, just in case anyone considered a squad with Lancaster’s pedigree would be overly concerned with the form guide.

A Leeds University development XV duly obliged in midweek, dishing out a chastening defeat and tempering the confidence with a steely resolve and a clearer picture

PAUL GOODALL

dall will have a Pack leader Paul Goo up front; his say in the outcome uncomprotireless tackling and e will be mising fringe defenc ectious inf just as valuable as his inevitacool head when things ter will bly get ‘prickly’. Lancas oppotry to unsettle their lity nents, and Goodall’s abi of to keep the discipline his pack will be key.

playerwatch of the task at hand.

But with a week to exorcise this mental demon which has plagued them in eight matches lost by less than one score, and with the help of ex-British Lion John Bentley at training, Lancaster can expect to face a team playing some of the best rugby it’s played all season.

This won’t be welcome news to The Cats, who have won just once since Christmas and finished off the pace in their BUSA division.

They were muscled out of the game up front in their recent Lan-

Lacrosse aim for max

BY DARIUS AUSTIN York's Lacrosse Club are plotting a very successful Roses, backed up by their excellent home record.

Club President Alan Ward was in buoyant mood when asked about the team's chances of victory.

"York Lacrosse have had an awesome three years," he said.

"Our guys haven't lost on the 22 Acres in that time and we don't intend to start now. Not many other

clubs can say that of their records at home."

Although the men's game will not be played for points after Lancaster were unable to field a full team, both the women's and the mixed games will count towards York's total.

Ward is keen to ensure all the lacrosse points will be York's: "Our simple goal is maximum points," he said.

"We've worked hard all year and intend to end on a deserved high note."

cashire Cup varsity match, and with a smaller pack than the one which barely kept parity in last year’s Roses, they could be in for a tough afternoon from a doughty York eight.

Lancaster’s real threat lies in the backs, with a pair of top-class centres and a rapid back three. Victory for York rests on their ability to nullify and counter their threat.

Watch out for James Wilson to prove the difference between five points and a turnover on more than one occasion as the last line

of York’s defence on Sunday. Reliable under the high ball and loath to kick away possession, his speed and running lines will enable York to change defence into attack in a single phase.

York’s second finally look to be gelling, with a back line full of talent and a mobile set of forwards getting some vital minutes on the clock. They put in a gutsy display in this week’s narrow defeat against a Hull side containing many players with first division experience, and with the Lancas-

ter 2nds having a season which has been equally as unconvincing as their first team’s, York have every reason to be confident.

With little preparation time, Friday’s sevens are harder to predict.

But York’s semi-final appearance in the Pocklington tournament over Easter suggests they will be a force to be reckoned with.

Not one member of the current York squad has tasted Roses victory, but I know I wouldn’t bet on that being the case come Sunday night.

Squash want repeat performance

BY DARIUS AUSTIN The Squash Club are looking to use last year's Performance of the Year award to inspire overall success at this year's Roses.

In 2006 the Men's 1sts won for the first time in eighteen years as squash emerged as 6-4 winners overall.

Club President Dan Whitlam is looking forward to this tournament with the knowledge

that this could be the best time to claim victory.

"We're losing the top 7 men next year," he told Vision. "The guys have had a poor intake of freshers, so this could be the last year to pull off a big victory."

Crucial to success are the Men's 1 and 2, Niall Woodger and Dan Kaiser.

Kaiser is back from a year out in Toulouse and has replaced former AU President Nik Engineer in the team.

Whitlam thinks the team can

repeat their victory this year: "Their team looks fairly unchanged so it should be another close one, but we hope to come away at least 6-4 victors."

The women's side have been boosted by an influx of freshers this year as they seek to gain revenge for their 3-2 loss last year.

Lydia Vas Nunes and Emma Newberry co-captain the women's team, with freshers Jess Hunter, Caroline Watchurst and Johanna Augustus completing the side.

YORK VISION

SPORT:ROSES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

7

HOCKEY: MEN'S 1STS SATURDAY, 3.00, JLD

TENNIS

OUT FOR

Downey hopes for bad hair day

REVENGE

BY ALEX RICHMAN

history suggests that only home advantage has been the difference beYork’s hockey clubs will be tween the rivals. Two years ago York looking to avenge a poor cleaned up, taking 20 of the available showing in last year’s compe- 26 points on their own turf. tition and end their solid seaHowever, last year saw some sons with Roses success. strong performances in Lancaster Expect a hotly contested series, let down by disappointing results. as the two sides boast a similarlyTwo penalties gave the men's 1sts a sized roster and are evenly matched late 5-4 win, but their female counin quality. terparts lost heavily and the mixed Recent 1sts went down 2-1.

Despite this, Club President Jo Carter revealed to ALI MORGAN Vision that morale tre cen the in ys pla Ali is high within the of midfield in a holdsquads: “We have ing role with impora lot to prove this tant attacking and time round. This defensive roles. He is year’s teams are strong in the tackle, stronger than last provides a pivot for year and we’re going forward and confident of succovers nearly the cess. whole pitch.

"The training has been going well and the team spirit both on and off the field is palpable.”

playerwatch

Women look to Hunt's leadership HOCKEY: WOMEN'S 1STS SATURDAY, 1.30, JLD

BY ALEX RICHMAN

The Women’s 1st XI are led

by Jenny Hunt, with freshers Marieke Hampshire and Jaimie Unsworth excelling during their first year in defence. A key player could be the talented Andrea Pisesky, who has adapted well after switching to deep forward.

The team narrowly missed out

on what would have been a third promotion in successive years on the last day of the season. Despite the heartbreak of failing to reach the Yorkshire First Division, Roses provides the perfect opportunity to bury the disappointment with a victory.

The women’s 2nds are skippered

by Ginni Williamson, who has got an excitable group of freshers looking to emulate last year’s shock

York's tennis team has some of the highest expectations, and men's Captain Cam Downey has given the side some extra motivation.

Photo: Robbie Duvall

> Hockey club aiming to make up for 2006 narrow defeat

BY LAUREN COCKBILL

Lancaster's men play a BUSA division higher than their York, but this should mean little on the day, especially when you take into account York's great form this year. The 1st XI won their BUSA league without losing a game, and finished 5th in the Yorkshire Premier League.

Skipper Dan Westley has impressed at sweeper, while Men's President Andy Hook has shown his ability to create storming drives from defence. Fresher Billy Walsh has settled well into right midfield, while next year’s captain James Hume leads the attack.

The Roses rivalry could lead to some tenacious battles in midfield, and the presence of Ali Morgan could prove to be crucial. A season of dominating performances saw Morgan win the UYHC Men’s 1st XI Player of the Year award.

Elsewhere, captain James Walker leads a men’s 2nd team that survived comfortably in their B U S A league after being p r o moted last year.

victory over the Red Rose when the side, h av i n g scored just one goal all season and finished bottom of their B U S A league, went on to record a 4-1 thrashing against Lancashire.

"If we win the Roses tennis event overall, Cam has promised to shave all his hair off !" said 1st team player Chris Willis.

As the only York team to go unbeaten in their league, the Men’s 1sts aspire to cap their year with the ultimate victory: Roses triumph.

Ones to watch on the Men’s 1sts are Cameron Downey and Chris Willis. Captain Downey boasts a 91 singles record and a 10-0 doubles record with partner Steve Durrant.

Downey is full of fighting talk: "We couldn’t really have had a better season going into Roses having reached a national final.

"Our main strength is probably established doubles pairings as well as a strong work ethic and great team spirit."

Willis, who utilises his powerful serve as his weapon, owns a 9-1 singles record and an 8-2 doubles record for the season.

Men’s 2nds and the mixed team both won their rubbers last year, so the 1sts are eager to make amends.

Having demolished Lancaster 2nds towards the end of the Spring term, similar form will be required to win the four available points at Roses.

However, Lancaster 1sts have also experienced a particularly successful season. As champions

of the league above York, they too are awaiting Roses confidently.

The women’s team hasn’t enjoyed the same level of success as their male counterparts, which has mainly been due to lack of match practice: Three of the eight league matches weren't played because the opposition being unable to raise a team.

However their Lancaster opponents have not had a season to brag about either, having lost all their league games except one and going out in the first round of the BUSA Cup. Roses promises for an interesting and tight contest.

Playing at number one will be first year Lauren Cockbill. Her singles record is 3-1 this season but doubles has been a disappointment: her record is 0-4.

"Doubles has been frustrating this year," she said. "Each time I’ve played I have had a different partner which makes it hard to develop a partnership, although in the matches that did go ahead I played good opposition and was pleased with the way I played.

"I’m excited about Roses and hopeful for a victory."

Roses 2007 will be Captain Maxine Cahal’s last. As a third year she is hoping to complete her time at York with a Roses victory under her belt. Yet, without established doubles partnerships, points could prove elusive.

Captain Cahal, nonetheless, does not consider the doubles a worry: "My feelings are that we won the women’s points at Roses last year and that we should do so again this year."

BADMINTON

Close contest expected

BY DAVE COOKSON In terms of points, there aren’t many more important sports in Roses than badminton, with 14 on offer.

York’s M e n ’ s 1sts will go into t h e i r R o s e s m a t c h w i t h great confidence off the back of an imp re s s ive season, w h e r e they fini s h e d runnersup in both their conference and the national BUSA Cup. Lancaster should prove to be tough opponents; the Red Rose won 7 out of 10 games in their conference, falling just short of topping their division.

The Men’s 2nds should also be

a keenly contested affair with both sides winning 5 out of 8 matches within their respective conferences. The 2nds will be unable to complain of a lack of competitive match practice considering the squad composition will have been decided by virtue of a playoff on the preceding Sunday.

Yo r k ’ s Wo m e n ’ s 1sts will hope to put a poor winless season b e h i n d them with victory over their rivals on Friday. York have already faced Lancaster once this season, suffering a 5-3 loss.

"We're very confident but not complacent, our strong performances in BUSA this season should hold us in good stead," said Men's 1sts Captain Jonty Hiley ahead of the games on Friday.

8 SPORT:ROSES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

CRICKET: MEN'S 1STS SATURDAY, 11.00, 22 ACRES

Cricket look to take success outside

Photo:Xavier Nitsch

ROSES SHORTS

YORK VISION

Canoe Club seeking double victory

BY NAOMI LEVER Following a rousing performance at last weekend’s BUSA polo championships, York University Canoe Club are going from strength to strength.

The Saturday of Roses weekend will see the wetsuited ones taking to the water of Teeside Barrage for an exhilarating slalom competition.

Later that same day, the ladies and men’s polo squads will battle it out in Yearsley pool in York.

In one of the few sports where pushing opponents underwater and barging them out of your way is not only legal but positively encouraged, there is every reason to believe that the White Rose will reign supreme on the white water.

Netball set to banish disappointment

BY LAUREN COCKBILL After last year’s disappointment, the netball team is eager to recapture the Roses title. Last year York 2nd won, but inferior performances from the firsts and thirds gave rise to a Lancaster victory.

Both the seconds and firsts played in a rematch this year but still lost. However this time by only three points; Lancaster certainly know that York are closing in. York have other reasons too for feeling confident about the weekend ahead.

All three teams finished in the top three of their respective leagues as well as winning all their Varsity matches. A win this year would be a remarkable achievement, considering Lancaster 1st finished in the top three of the league above York.

As well as the three teams that played last year, an additional fourth team comprising of Hallifax and Goodricke players (joint winners of the college league) will compete.

Lancaster taking it seriously this time

Club hope indoor triumph can be Roses catalyst

BY GEORGE TAYLOR Despite losing both Roses fixtures last year, the Men’s Cricket Club are in high spirits for the upcoming clash with Lancaster.

"We’re definitely looking to win both outdoor fixtures this year,” declared President Andy Exley.

The enthusiasm comes on the back of a successful indoor tournament in the spring term.

First XI captain Jamie Vanner believes that success will help them this weekend.

"We’re hoping to translate indoor success onto the outdoor arena, especially from freshers Nick Vanner and Tom Hudson.”

Vanner and Hudson have made a big impact since arriving at the start of the year. Impressing in the nets, they claimed their places in the 6 a-side indoor tournament

team.

Both batsmen have brought county experience to the squad, and they supplied the runs the side needed to sail through the first two rounds of that event, earning themselves a place in the final at Lords.

Again the youngsters impressed, though York fell at the final hurdle, going down to Manchester Met (2 runs) and Leeds Met (10 runs).

Nevertheless, this form promises much success for the upcoming season, and especially Roses.

Although the team losing consistent performers Liam Cunnah, and opening paceman James Hallam, Exley believes that the team “are a much stronger side this year”.

Captain Vanner agrees: “I’m pretty confident we can overturn last year’s results, and bring back home all 7 points for York.”

The defeats last year were nar-

will be a nice day so that plenty row for both the first XI and the second XI. The firsts fell just eleven of spectators will come down and give the occasion a good atmosruns short of victory, but this side phere”. The First XI match starts isn’t used to losing a Roses fixture.

In both 2004 and 2005 the First XI at 11am on Saturday."

The seconds will be hoping to won comfortably, and it’s this success they’re hoping to recapture. overturn last year’s final over deExley, who brought home figures spair, led this year by Tom Hunter.

Their game starts at 11am on Friof 4/14 from ten overs last year, is showing signs of caution. day.

“We imagine Lancaster will have lost a couple of players from TOM HUDSON last year, but we don’t really know what to marks the openCaptain Jamie Vanner inner as the key expect,” he said -sp leg and an sm ing bat Despite this, Jamie fantastically at the man: "Tom performed he's a key member Vanner still believes d "An d. sai indoors", he he has good reason to set up, so he's had of the Yorkshire youth be confident: “We’ve " ng. chi some great coa many strong all-rounders, with a strong presence in the field, and the bar.

"We’re hoping it

playerwatch

Roses and regatta clash for UYBC

Rumblings from Lancaster suggest they're geared up for victory, which would be their first win in a quarter of a century.

AU President Dave Greenshields has centred his time in charge around retaining Roses.

"I firmly believe that we've got as good a chance as ever of winning away in York," he told Lancaster's newspaper Scan.

His views are echoed by Scan Sports Editor Ian Waterhouse.

“Whilst home advantage is a massive factor in Roses success, this may be the year when the curse is broken," he said.

"Lancaster has enjoyed a successful season in the BUSA Leagues, with particular strength in women’s hockey, men’s tennis and volleyball." We'd best watch it then.

BY ANDREW LATHAM Numerous representatives of the founder sport of Roses have told Vision that they are prioritising other events above this year’s competition.

The crucially important BUSA event at Nottingham will take place on the Saturday of Roses weekend, with both the White and Red Roses throwing everything at the two kilometre series of races at the Na-

tional Water Sports Centre.

“We’ll both be in the same boat on Sunday,” said one UYBC insider.

No-one is impressed by the organisation of this weekend’s competition: confusion as to where racing is to take place still reigns.

Despite this, York will be seeking to improve on an embarrassing 4-1 defeat last summer. All crews have been training at a level unmatched in duration or intensity by other York Uni clubs: putting in

seven day weeks at the boathouse and gym, and spending a week of Easter at training camp.

But rowing is infinitely more complicated than brute force and ignorance. James Coldwell, of the Men’s 1sts insists that technique and psychology are integral.

“We’re going to piss on it off the start, then squeeze on every two hundred and fifty metres,” he said.

Getting ahead and pushing away is a massive psychological advantage. York men are racing with

a relatively light crew, so obtaining the best possible power-to-weight ratio and rowing well will be vital, not simply at Roses, but for the rest of the regatta season.

Senior women’s captain Sarah Woods is pleased with her squad’s efforts so far this season with an impressive performance at Women’s Head of the River. Reaching Henley again is the target of this summer, though making up for last year’s visit to Lancaster will be an early bolster.

20 FEATURES

YORK VISION

Tuesday May 1, 2007

YORK VISION

FEATURES

Tuesday May 1, 2007

SEXIST OR SEXY? MISS YORK 07 Beauty before brains? Outdated and sexist? Lucy Taylor questions why we convinced her to enter Miss York 2007

F

orget world peace and swimsuits - it’s tough being a beauty queen in the 21st century. A nice smile and the ability to strut your stuff in a bikini, it seems, are no longer enough. The modern Miss York needs brains, a winning personality and a very big heart to go along with them. Or so Vivienne Lee, the organiser of this year’s competition, assures us.

"The judges are looking for looks, personality and someone who wants to take part in a year of events as Miss York,” she told me. “Miss York is an ambassador to the city in many different ways; not least by raising funds for the local charity Guardian Angels, to provide a high-dependency unit for children in this area.

“Every finalist is expected to try to organise a fundraising event in the weeks leading up

Beauty queens aren't just blondes with big boobs and no brains to the final, and there will be an award on the night for “Miss Charity”, the girl who raises the most, as well as the overall “Miss York”. This upholds the competition’s ethos of ‘Beauty with a Purpose.’”

Herself a former Miss Sheffield and onetime finalist of Miss UK, Vivienne revived the Miss York contest in 2005 after an absence of twenty years from the city. This year, I was persuaded to enter the competition to try to understand how the concept of a beauty contest can fit with modern ideas of femininity, and - dare I suggest it - feminism. Can a competition which judges young girls on the way they look ever be considered empowering for women?

It certainly isn’t unpopular. This year’s contest received more than 170 applications from the York area, and organisers already have a list of 75 girls who are interested in applying next year. Of this year’s intake, 55 were selected for the semi-finals in April, and 35 - including myself - chosen to go through to the final in May. If you’ve ever seen The Apprentice on the TV, you will be able to imagine the style of the boardroom in which the semi-finals were held. Three judges sat behind a table not much smaller than Sir Alan’s, and a queue of girls crowded nervously outside waiting to be called in one-by-one.

The atmosphere was tense but friendly, and the girls were varied in looks and personality.

Some were really young - the accepted age range is between 17 and 24 - and some were noticeably more confident than others. Sophie, who was just 17, sat reading lines in a script for a casting

call she had two days later; she was hoping to use the Miss York contest to get herself noticed for other modelling and acting jobs. Krystal was here for the third year running, having failed to qualify at the first attempt. This was obviously very important to a lot of the girls.

Once inside the room, I was interviewed by the judges about my life and interests, and then asked to walk around the room for the judges to rate my poise and posture. I then had to pose for a photograph.

I never expected to be put through to the final.

Katie Norville is another York student to have reached the final round of the competition. I asked her why she had decided to enter a beauty contest.

“To be honest, I’m quite ambitious,” she answered. “I really just wanted to try my luck as a competitor and see how far I would get. It sounded like something fun and challenging, so I thought I might as well give it a go.

“I’m studying for a biology degree, specialising in molecular cell biology, so I’m really pleased that by being selected for the final I can begin to dispel the myth that all scientists are geeks. We can be pretty and interesting, too.”

Katie is unusual in that she has lived in York all her life, and stayed here to come to university.

“I feel I’m the ideal person to represent the city, because I’ve lived here for such a long time and yet I’ve seen it from both perspectives,” she said. “I really want to try to prove to the judges on the night of the final that I am the right person to be an ambassador for York.”

The next stage in the contest is a dressy

evening event in May, in which all finalists will be introduced onto the stage wearing firstly matching outfits of short denim skirts and white t-shirts, and secondly individual evening dresses.

How do I feel about this? In an age when femininity seems increasingly defined by beauty and sexuality - girls learn poledancing and swot up on sex tips as a means of “empowerment” - wearing a dress and walking round a stage doesn’t seem too outrageous. Gone, at least, are the days of parading round in a bikini in front of a host of male judges.

Katie argues that the stereotype beauty queen, “blonde with big boobs and no brains”, is fading, in favour of a more intelligent and sensitive image.

Organiser Vivienne Lee suggests that taking part in the competition can only be a positive experience for Miss York contestants: “The competition gives young women the opportunity to enjoy different experiences; to fund raise; to travel extensively if they win and go through to the final of Miss England; and to progress their chosen careers.”

Nonetheless, it does seem to me at best a little shallow, harmless fun, at worst an outdated, anti-feminist institution. Katie Norville describes herself as “excited, and happy, but very nervous” to have made the final.

“I’m looking forward to it a lot.

Obviously, it’s all a bit superficial,” she adds. “But it’s just a bit of fun.”

INTERVIEW :

Catrina Lakin is the current Miss York and she talks to Vision about her experiences over the past year When Catrina Lakin entered the Miss York competition along with a friend back in March 2006, she never imagined that she would go on to win.

“We both entered each other, just for fun really,” she said. “My friend dared me to enter and I dared her to enter, and then when it came to it we found out we had both got through to the final. It was really exciting; neither of us expected it at all.”

I met Catrina in Freshers during the Easter vacation to ask how her year as Miss York has been. Tall and skinny, I can see how she managed to win the competition. Catrina herself, though, is surprisingly shy about her looks.

The 20-year-old, who studies music at Oxford Brookes university, pulled out all the stops to try to ensure she would be given the chance to represent her home city: “I enrolled on a confidence course to learn how to walk and pose like a model, and that really helped me when it came to the final,” she said.

“Before that, I didn’t really know what to expect at all. I was quite nervous, as you can imagine, and I had never done anything like this before. I had to go shopping for an evening gown - I ended up buying my dress from Primark!”

As Miss York, however, Catrina was measured for a personally-designed dress to wear at the Miss England final, held in Leicester last June. “Everything about the Miss England competition was amazing,” she said. “I was completely daunted at first, as there were so many girls there, around 80 from the regional heats all around the country.

“The final was a two-day event, but the atmosphere was amazing. It wasn’t bitchy or competitive at all, everyone was very friendly and just as nervous as me. We were all talking and joking, it was really nice.

“For the final, we each had to perform on stage with our own special talent, which some girls found nerveracking. There were a few people all chose the same Shakira song to dance to, which was a shame for them.

Miss York 2006 graces campus with her presence

I'm a music student and I play the cello, so that was fine, but there were all sorts of more unusual talents there. One girl chose cocktail-making as her talent, and took the equipment onto the stage to demonstrate it for her allocated minuteand-a-half. The winner did origami.”

Catrina's favourite part of the competition as a whole?

"Every Miss England finalist spent time in a photo studio having some shots taken for the programme of the event. I've never done any modelling before and it felt so professional. I loved that."

Since the competition, Catrina has spent a year making personal appearances around North Yorkshire, and worked as a reporter for a local radio station during her vacations, having been contacted by the station manager after publicity from the contest.

The two days before I met Catrina she had made two personal appearances, one in York and one further afield, on the Yorkshire coast. Now the year of her reign is drawing to a close with the onset of another final and the coronation of a new Miss York, Catrina hopes to pursue her modelling career more.

"Having won the competition last year, hopefully I will have a slight advantage in that industry," she said. "I've got a portfolio of photos, for one thing, and it's raised my profile a bit.

“This has been a fantastic year. I’ve missed out on some things with being away at university quite often, but I’ve still had lots of opportunities. And it’s nice to be able to balance the two sides of me, so that my degree isn’t the be-all and end-all of what I do.”

Photos by Tom Hole

29

30 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION Tuesday May 1, 2007

>TRA EL

SORRENTO SUMMERS Travel Log

Sarah Thomason's Ibiza antics

{San Antonio Bay, Ibiza}

A

s my two friends and I opened the door to the hotel room, we realised that we weren’t in luxury accommodation. The room in which I stood had suspicious stains up the wall and contained only the bare necessities.

However, with a decent view from the balcony, and having only booked the 1830s holiday in San Antonio, Ibiza a few hours previously, I was optimistic.

I awoke the next day with the hope of a great week in the sun with plenty of sand and sangria, little did I know that I would experience a lot more. We spent the afternoon exploring the tourist area whilst sporadically skidding on the tiled pavement in flip-flops, and intended to later go out to experience the reputable nightlife. The first bar of the night instantly gained our respect. The barman gave us a large jug of sangria for a cheaper price and (for some strange reason) let us scantily clad girls go on the bucking bronco for free. Men seemed to appear from nowhere and it was then that I discovered that it’s impossible to dismount a bucking bronco in a sophisticated manner whilst wearing a short skirt. I made many discoveries in Ibiza, one being that it’s an unwritten rule that you shouldn’t go to a club before two, otherwise you are forced to stand next to the wall alone, ashamed that you felt like dancing so early in the night. We vowed not to leave before eleven to visit bars and then go clubbing from two until seven am. This meant we didn’t miss the ten o’clock entertainment on offer, which bared itself in the form of a naked man in the shower of the hotel opposite (who was not bad to say the least and even waved). As for the other sights of San Antonio, the beaches were golden, the people friendly and there were plenty of seafront cafes. At night there were numerous clubs and the reps always had something on offer.

We chose to make our own fun trying to explain to the cleaner (in bad Spanish) that there were three of us and only two forks, one knife and one spoon with no bowls, resulting in us drinking cereal out of plastic cups every morning. On other occasions we had our neighbours crawl across the balcony roof and enter our room while we found pages from sex books blowing around and washed our bikinis in a pan.

We befriended guests at the hotel in many ways, one of which I personally will not forget. This particular experience began with the shower reduced to a dribble. I had to find another way of getting ready for the night. My friend asked a strange man if I could use his shower and he agreed and left his room. Unfortunately when I left his room I found him waiting in the hallway with three more men as I stumbled to my room in a towel. Overall I had an interesting week of great memories, which made my friends and I closer (even if it is just to keep them from telling the extremely embarrassing ones.)

Helen Steel lives it up in the land of the rich and famous

I

f you are approaching the end of your degree, the first thing that will be on your mind is not the interview you may (or probably should) have lined up; but a lovely recuperative holiday, preferably abroad.

To my mind, there are two major difficulties to be overcome.

Most obviously, after three years of unprecedented spending; the money situation.

This could be overcome by either holidaying in an area of England that promises itself as the English version of the Riviera. Sorry Mum, but having a few palm trees does not mean this criterion has been fulfilled. Or perhaps an 18-30s holiday in an area of Spain specially preserved for drunken Cockneys. (You would be surprised how your best friend seems to mysteriously develop an Eastenders twang amidst a Spanish backdrop.) Yet, a degree often represents the end of an education that begun before one could even recite the alphabet, and I don’t know if I reflect the views of others in my situation, but being an almost-B.A. Hons has infused me with a sense of (perhaps false) sophistication, and a desire to demonstrate that I am beyond the ‘Oh my God I can holiday without parents and get in whatever time I want’ stage. I would like to propose my last holiday destination as the perfect answer to the search for a sophisticated but not financially destructive holiday.

I was recently asked where I had bought a slightly eccentric bag. When I unthinkingly replied, ‘Sorrento’, to my surprise I received a reply that mocked my ability to state my association with such a fashionable, suave Italian location in such a casual way. I had stayed for 10 nights in a hotel, inclusive of breakfast, for 30 euros per night, paid £60 for the flights with EasyJet, and spent, on average, 6 euros per night on food. And I certainly did not starve. It is funny how we judge what we get out of anything by the amount of money we put into it. After the bag comment, I realised that the Butlinsstyle expense had coloured my memories of a culturally enlightening, magical holiday.

{Sorrento, Italy}

Post ‘bag-comment’, I sought out the brochures we had obtained before the holiday, and I found descriptions of the coastal Southern Italian town of Sorrento as a ‘picture perfect ancient town, with a rocky coastline framed by azure skies and sparkling waters’, its famous piazzas having been awarded various gold stars. Rethinking aspects of my stay with eyes unimpaired by economics, I now realise what an extraordinary holiday I have been on. The first place that springs to mind is the concealed cove, Marina de Puolo, just south of Sorrento in which our Hotel Baia was situated. What is striking is the total lack of British holidaymakers sporting beer bellies and unnatural tans so characteristic of other late-deal package holidays. I had felt part of an authentic Italian life, unaltered by attempts to cater for the British tourists.

The locals had been far f r o m unwelcoming, h o w ever; indeed they so were enthralled by that newcomers at mealtimes we were inundated with free glasses of wine, and waiters that embarked upon desperate hunts for tomato sauce (I couldn’t forsake all of my British habits).

Since the inhabitants are mainly locals, they were not so excited by the prospect of swimming in the Mediterranean, and so my sisters and I had almost free reign of the crystal waters in the bay- again a stark contrast from the sardine-like feeling of other seaside holidays. Another feature that lends a feeling of complete escapism is the solitary rickety road that leads down to Puolo bay from Sorrento, which from a distance looks like a helter-skelter slide encountered at the fair. Only one car can fit down, and if it happens to meet another it will be forced to reverse, helter-skelter style, for at least a few hundred yards. Dangerous; but some- how the lack of concern for the material goods so central to our own culture m a k e s for a refreshing change.

For the ultimate in sophistication, a 20 minute, very exhilarating hydrofoil sea ride away paves the way to the island of Capri.

Birthplace of Gucci and Armani, and second-home resort of famous people such as Gracie Fields, this perhaps does not fit with the post grad ‘lack of money’ criteria.

But simply wandering the streets {The ancient city of Pompeii} and decibeing inundated with information; phering the millionaire inhabitants to my shame, rather than seeking from the tourists provides enough out the buildings with the most free amusement. The highlight of historical significance, I did find the day has to be the chairlift as- myself seeking out the places that cending Mount Solaro, would provide the most shade or 1930ft above sea level. the best sandwich-eating hideouts.

I found sailing Mention the Amalfi Coast to past the lovingly your neighbour when you return, hung-out un- and like me, you will receive a rederwear of sponse that marvels at your sophismillionaires tication, and the size of you bank a bizarrely account. Sorrento is in fact on the exciting ex- Amalfi Drive, a death-defying bus perience, but tour following hairpin bends, dividswinging my ed from a hundred foot drop to the legs hundreds sea by a wooden picket fence. The of feet above tour provides the lazy tourist with ground in a literal a mountaineer’s view of the South‘chair’, with one wob- ern Italian coastline stretching out bly bar across, tempered this ahead, sprinkled with villages, and with a slight fear for my life. Once the vast Mediterranean to the side. on safe ground, however, we spied The bus ride alone is enough, the Grotta Azzura, a flooded cavern but exploring the tiny ports and vilfamous for its ghostly lighting, and lages gives a real taste of old Italian witnessed a storm pass beneath us, life, apparently unaffected by modwithout affecting us in the slightest. ern day cares. The most magical A breathtaking sense of command is stop has to be the town of Ravello, the only way to describe the feelin which stands a 13th cening. For those who want tury cloister, and a more than to celebwoodland walk rity spot or enjoy with Chinese the view, the islanterns leadland is steeped ing the way with classito an amazcal history ing view that could of the Italeasily be ian coast. overlooked.

For those I have since who like to found out that admire wedI have walked dings and all in the footsteps their trimmings, of the Roman Emthe church seems peror Tiberiusbut to have a conveyor belt of thankfully not in the footsteps of brides; one wedding party appears the victims of his anger, who were after another every five minutes, pathrown carelessly off the mountain. rading around for a while then setting For photos that will give cre- off down the Chinese lantern walk. dence to the ‘cultured holiday’ im- Which, I suppose, only emphasises age, Pompeii is a must. I admit that the thrilling surrealism of the place. the climax of my visit was gawpMy only advice to those stuing at the poor man ‘frozen’ in time dents wondering about their celebrawhen fleeing the Volcanic eruption, tory graduate holiday is to do it in but I was told repeatedly by my sis- style- discover history you have only ter that this was cruel, and that I studied in books, marvel at the homes should be focusing on the fact that of the famous, witness breathtakI was standing in the midst of a real ing scenery. But, if you really only Roman city. Founded in the 8th cen- want to bask in the sun and do nothtury BC, and in AD 62 wracked by the ing, you can always say you’ve vismost famous volcanic eruption ever, ited these places. After all, the other the sense of historical significance main features of the Italian coast is overwhelming. Having rented are the beaming sun and extensive a pair of ‘speaking headphones’, I beaches. And, with pizza setting you could wander the dusty streets, be- back only a third of what it would in ing told stories of a Roman domestic York, you may indeed want to stay squabble at number 22, or stand in on the beach eating them all day. the huge amphitheatre and visualise the gladiators’ fight to the death.

The only danger is becoming too overwhelmed with the history- after

Capri is the birthplace of pizza, spaghetti and Buffalo Mozzarella.

In 1971 Pink Floyd played in the 2000 year old Pompeii amphitheatre.

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

>STY E Tuesday May 1, 2007

31

Style Bible

MODEL STUDENTS

The sun is out! Finally an excuse to wear sunglasses in lectures even if you aren't hungover. Let the posing commence...

f you go to any other university town apart from York, you'll find Iwhole streets in the town centre that

contain clothing shops specially targeted towards a student audience.

Whole racks of Adidas trackie tops, vintage Levi's 501s, and Northern Soul tees await the eager bargain hunter.

But York being York, we have the Yellow Submarine on Walmgate and

nothing else. Nothing. So how does the average student get their fashion fix without spending hours on end in Topshop?

We chased after pink tights, accosted sunbathers on the quad and refused to take no for an answer.

One sunny Thursday afternoon we scoured campus with a bewildered but very obliging camera man in tow and snapped the most stylish

people on campus (and there were surprisingly few of you). Jeans and a hoody seemed to be de rigeur, perhaps this was because you were all revising or maybe you simply can't be bothered but the following select few had at least made an effort.

Photgraphs courtesy of Xavier Nitsch and Alex Papushoy

Picture courtesy of bounze-y2.com

Sarah Howe and Kathryn Boyd find the most stylish students on campus

Name: Claire Hazelgrove Year: First College: James Describe your style: up to the minute Favourite shops: River Island, Topshop Our thoughts: Cute, funky, and just a little bit emo.

These shades are straight out of the dressing up box. They may look like you have borrowed them from your little sister but they hit the spot for the eighties electro vibe. And yes, you may wear them on the dancefloor. "Reach for the lasers, safe as fuck!" £68 Diesel

Name: Katie Jackson Year: Second College: Derwent Describe your style: Ecclectic Favourite shops: Urban Outfitters, Zara Our thoughts: Gorgeous ring and an eyecatching skirt.

If you want to protect your face as well as your eyes then this retro pair from Topshop are just what you need. Watch out for those fly papers though, these give you definite bug status.

Paris Hilton would be proud. £15 Topshop

Name: Julian Sorensen Year: Postgraduate College: Wentworth Describe your style: Retro Favourite shops: Topman and Camden Market Our thoughts: Awesome checked shoes.

Name: Sarah Graham Year: Second College: Vanbrugh Describe your style: Charity shop, vintage and Primark.

Favourite shops: Selkie Our thoughts: Effortless and original. We're impressed.

These unusually shaped frames have a deservedly hefty price tag. Sharp and sophisticated, the black and white contrast is just a little Cruella De Ville. Now, where are those dalmations? £124 Fendi

This pair's curvacious shape harks back to old school glamour.

The rich plum colour is elegant, sexy and flattering to all skin tones.

Name: Kate Utton Year: First College: James Describe your style: individual Favourite shops: H&M, Primark Our thoughts: Love the dress. Perfect for chilling on the quad and grooving in Toffs.

£46 Fabris Lane

Name: Luke Hathaway Year: Third College: James Describe your style:Standard but good Favourite shops: Selfridges, Oxfam in Leeds Our thoughts: Cool style but poor descriptive skills. We like your cardigan.

These shades are so nerdy they're cool. Aviators are timeless, but at this price who cares if you sit on them?! £14 Warehouse

32 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION

>FOOD&DR the Vision Hot list What's got us salivating excessively this month...

• VODKA REVOLUTION

Even though this bar is hardly a revolution to the rest of the UK, it shows how good York's bar scene is that we get one bigger than Newcastle's. It's also simply amazing how many different drinks you can make with vodka and without a Russian in sight.

They do need to hire more bar staff though...

• ZUBROWKA VODKA

Aromatic bison grass is this vodka’s piece de resistance and in every bottle a single blade is placed producing a distinct taste.

According to the bottle; “Best served with smoked salmon or a bowl of caviar”, so like Moet or Cristal, something savoured for special occasions. Like a night out in Gallery, for example.

• BARBEQUES

We know it's not quite summer yet, but make the most of those warm spring evenings while you can. Just bring a jumper for when the sun goes down.

...and what's turning our stomachs • DIETING

Is getting that beach body really worth starving yourself to death?

• FINALS

Not a food or drink as such, but they’re certainly making us feel queasy • PORK PIES

Greasy, disgusting, and what’s with all that jelly?

Give it a go! e various In light ofg'sthon, try this in vaodka govodka cocktail: classic IAN WHITE RUSS a • 2 parts Vodke Liqueur ffe Co rt pa 1 • t Cream • 3 parts Ligh ueur and coffee liq Pour vodka be old-fashan in s cu over ice ll with light ioned glass. Fid serve. an m crea

Tuesday May 1, 2007

NK

BRAIN POWER

With all the pressure of exams and essays, Ben Matthews finds out which food will help you perform and hopefully make getting that degree a little easier

W

hen you’re knuckling down to revision (or surfing on the internet pretending to revise), it can be all too easy to cram yourself full with junk food rather than knowledge - crisps, sweets and biscuits are some of the tempting tidbits that will distract you from your enthralling chemistry book. But instead of reaching for the jammy dodgers, kill two birds with one stone by reaching for the right type of food, food that will stem your hunger whilst boosting your brain power and keep you going when the candles are burning at both ends.

A growing amount of research suggests that omega3 fatty acids are best suited for optimal brain function. They are known to be particularly crucial constituents of the outer memb r a n e of brain cells so if you’re not getting enough omega-3s, your brain power will fade faster than Gareth Gates' career.

Omega-3 is considered such an important “health food” that it is used as a nutritional supplement to

enrich some foods, and students frequently take omega-3 pills before examinations. Cultures whose diet is high in omega 3 fatty acids, such as the Eskimos, have a lower incidence of degenerative diseases of the central nervous system, such as multiple sclerosis. But you don’t need to move to the North Pole to get your fix of oily goodness. Get eating oily fish such as salmon or mackerel - not only are they healthy, but their versatility means they can be used in an amazingly wide variety of recipes. Unfortunately for students, fish is a bit on the pricey side. Whilst not being as fresh or tasty, canned fish will still provide you with those brain-boosting omegas without burning a hole in your pocket.

Not wanting to sound like a school science teacher, but it’s possible to boost alertness, memory and stress resistance by supplying food components that are precursors of important brain neurotransmitters.

One of them is choline, the fat-like B vitamin found in eggs. Real men eat them raw,

but if that doesn’t appeal to you, go for boiled or poached rather than fried eggs - the extra fat used in frying eggs detracts from any goodness you’ll get from the eggs.

If you have to fry your food, Canola oil and walnut oil come highly recommended - not for stopping your

If you're not getting enough omega-3s your brain power will fade faster than Gareth Gates' career. door hinges from squeaking, but because they’re loaded with omega-6s. If you want to keep your brain working slicker than the hair of the bloke working behind the counter at Efe’s Kebabs, you need a proper balance of omega-6s and omega-3s, so switch from that unhealthy oil and go for canola or walnut oil instead.

Although sugar can make you sharp, no one can figure out what is the right dose at the right time so try and limit how much you take in. The slump you get after the effect of sugar wears off means that whilst you will

The Student Wine Field T

he choosing of wine on a student budget is ever a difficult thing. Those daunting shelves of bottles which you scan eager eyed for a mark down, your £4 (or less) burning a whole in your pocket, oh what decisions! Should I go all out for a £3.99 one or scrimp my woes away, right to the bottle of that tempting £2.06 Sainsbury’s basic vinegar?

Well, in all fairness, this queen of cheap used to parade her white and orange labelled supermarket spoil “just wine” at all social occasions. It may be wishywashy, but it is drinkable.

Not to everyone’s pallet, nor to everyone’s desired image, but a bargain so long as you don’t mind looking like the littlest hobo (I have taken great pains to promote hobo over boho chic). However, if your aims are a little higher than this,

there are a few basic rules to follow.

Generally speaking, supermarkets know what to reduce when it comes to unknown commodities.

If the label is obscure and the price is slashed, don’t go there, you will be left drinking urine that chokes your gullets with acerbic alacrity.

On the other hand, the name brands are pretty drinkable, all ranging between £5-£9; these are reliable. I speak of Hardys, Fetzer (Wetherspoons’ favourite), Wolfblass, Gallo, and Kumala. I am not so keen on either Echo Falls or Blossom Hill, but they too are relatively reliable. You will also notice that on a weekly basis one of these brands will have had its price reduced. It is a safe if unexciting bet.

It should be added that Wolfblass is the dearest of these treats, but it is

have the mind of Stephen Hawkins for a small period of time, as your sugar levels drop you’re mind will begin to move slower than the queue outside Ziggy’s on a busy Wednesday night.

Carbohydrates especially when eaten with no protein or fat - may indeed be more mentally soothing than a Zero 7 track. There are times when we all need some of that, so reach for a slice of whole meal bread spread with honey, a low calorie snack and the natural sugar in honey will give you an energy kick.

So there you have it: all your brain boosting food sorted for your exam period.

That 1st is within reaching distance. Now you just need to stop reading this and get back to your revision!

{Mackerel: thie morie oilier thie bettier}

Resident wino Becca Gibson is here to give the low-down on the best plonk for a student budget

available down the Spoons at £7.99 a bottle, sometimes less than shop price, and it is lovely (the red anyway, specifically, the cabinet-yellow label).

For reds, it’s fair to say that all the Californian reds have a nice rich flavour, are quite full, and also fairly strong. However, Chilean and Argentinean Cabernets seem to be catching up in the quality stakes and are often far more drinkable.

If nothing’s on special and your stumped, the cheapest Valpollicella is always very drinkable; Sainsbury’s Sicilian is also pretty good, and anywhere’s ‘taste the difference’ style label is usually safe.

For those who like their pinks and whites, white Zinfandel’s, or, even nicer, white Grenache are the way forwards. I’ve cultivated a taste for both, and moreover, being made from red grapes, these roses

are mixable with red wines.

No, not in the same glass, but hangover-wise they’re not so punishing. I’ve learnt this lesson the disagreeably painful way, but Zinfandel and red, and Bob’s your uncle, you’ll wake up in the morning reeking of sweat, but your head will be where you left it, and the contents of your stomach will have stayed in.

Ultimately wine is a lovely thing and ever a good friend.

This year I made a big step up in my life and began to reject the £2.99 tempters; it was a good step.

Pay less than £3.99, and you are going to only be ok if you are drunk before you drink it. Of course this is a money saving tip for all, but one really nice bottle and a second one of donkey wee, just be sure to drink the good stuff first. Remember, a glass and a half a day keeps the doctor away, a bottle a day helps you to play!

the

scene

> may 2007 > issue 6

> interviews > features > reviews > listings

Johnny Borrell

“if that sounds arrogant, I don’t give a shit.”

BIG OF MOUTH, TIGHT OF JEAN... The RAZORLIGHT FRONTMAN TALKS EXCLUSIVELY TO VISION

<

P.35

TERRY PRATCHETT ROCKS OUR DISCWORLD

<

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF DOCU DRAMAS

P.44

<

DANCE MAKES A COMEBACK IN YORK

P.41

> 34

contents

> the scene: contents and editorial

It's week 2 and the promise of summer is in the air. It is also the beginning of the end for all you final year students, but let's not think about that. Instead, let's think about lovely arts. Yes...

highlights of the national student drama festival

television: Karl Kennedy's grown a beard. film:

You what?

the new wave of documentaries making it in the US

books: this year's prize predictions plus reviews the super-special star rating system

Every single review in The Scene is be rated against our strictly maintained 5star reviewing system. With Johnny Borrell on the cover, we've gone with other famous (and not so great) Johnnys...

✰✰✰✰✰ ✰✰✰✰✰ ✰✰✰✰✰ ✰✰✰✰✰ ✰✰✰✰✰

= Johnny Cash. No explanation needed = Johnny Depp. Or more specifically, his cheekbones = Johnny Marr: no Morrissey, but he's alright. = Johnny Rotten. 'I'm A Celebrity?' Really? = Johnny English. Rubbish film, based on a rubbish advert.

editorial Hello stressed-out students, Why, I say, have we got an issue for you? Rather than actually doing anything for our finals, we at The Scene have decided that putting together the most exciting and star packed issue so far is much more conducive to real life. For starters, the loud mouthed king of the skinny jeans himself, the legendary Johnny Borrell has opened up to us in an exclusive interview. We’re pretty sure Borrell never had finals to worry about, and would you look at him now? As if that isn’t enough, we’ve also managed to squeeze in a chat with renowned author, Terry Pratchett, as well as all the usual news and reviews.

If the stress is finals is getting to you, then what better way to relax than kicking back in the sunshine (and gale force winds) with your copy for 10 minutes? And if it all gets too much and you feel the need to let it all out, email us at editor@vision.york.ac.uk and share your pain. We feel it too.

Ben and Katie - Editors, The Scene

Page title, e.g. books

Film, as an expressive artform, should have a purpose, deliver a message, and maybe even be a subtle or not so subtle instruction.

“ “

Matt Houghton on p.44

There are enough classics being performed in order to get bums-on-seats around the country – surely it’s more important to nurture new talent, so that theatre doesn’t just die?

Sophie Davies on p.40

The Who doubtless had to walk barefoot forty miles to the venue, set up their own gear, and then walk sixty back.

“

Andrew Latham on p.46

the

culture:

Highlights this issue:

“

music: the hottest (or not) new albums and live gigs

36 38 40 42 43 45

“ “

feature: interview with Razorlight's Johnny Borrell

scene

Yes, here is the scummy lot that made this here mess...

Ben Matthews & Katie Jacobs - Editors Loulla-Mae E.S. - Music Editor Camille Augarde - Music Deputy Lani Peace & Rich Williams - Film Editors

Harry Cameron - Film Deputy Editor Richard Webb - TV Editor Charlotte Bilsland & Dan Meredith Culture Editors

Hannah Wallace Culture Deputy Editor Sam Birch - Books Editor Nicola Hebden - Books Deputy Editor Andrew Latham - Listings Editor Deborah Mason & Kate Mason Proof Readers

> spotlight: terry pratchett

> 35

spotlight

this week:

Terry Pratchett Terry Pratchett tells Sam Birch about rowing with Rowling, winning with Wintersmith, hogging the screens with Hogfather and, of course, that hat.

I

t’s my lucky day. Terry Pratchett is an international bestselling author; since the release of his first Discworld novel in 1983, he has sold approximately 50 million books worldwide - and somehow I have convinced him to let me interview him. So what will be the first question I ask? What groundbreaking query will I initially put to this giant of the literary world?

“Hi Terry, nice hat. Where did you get it?” Pratchett fans the world over are familiar with the widebrimmed black stetson, common to the dust-jacket of every Discworld volume.

“Lock’s of St. James,” he tells me.

“They’re expensive.” He isn’t jok-

“

If there are messages any in the children's books, the only one I'll own up to is that it's better to get smart than be dumb.

“

ing. The closest thing to Terry’s classic cap still available from the couture hatters is the ‘Buffalo’, priced at £115. Well, what else would you celebrate all those book prizes with other than a really cool hat?

And there have been many book prizes. Acclaim abounded for Pratchett’s work from the beginning; most notably his British Fantasy Award (Best Novel) for Pyramids in 1989, his OBE in 1998, and his first children’s book, The Amazing Maurice and His Educated Rodents, winning the Carnegie Medal in 2001.

More recently, Pratchett’s Wintersmith (reviewed in Vision issue 175) was nominated for the WHSmith Children’s Book of the Year Award 2006. It is a prize that Pratchett unfortunately lost to The Office creator Ricky Gervais for the latest Flanimals foray, and so a topic that I don’t relish broaching; but Pratchett is gracious. How did he react to Gervais’ win?

“A total lack of surprise,” he teases.

“No, not really. I think that in the end it’s a public vote and Mr. Gervais is an extremely popular man.

In fact there was a particularly TV feel to the awards this year. This is not really a complaint, just how things are.”

In a recent letter to The Sunday Times, Terry said that the fantasy/ sci-fi genre “has also contained some of the very best, most accessible writing for children, by writers who seldom get the acknowledgement they deserve”. I wonder whether he feels that the genre of his writing may have affected the

result, but he assures me “I have no reason to feel this is the case.”

The same letter has been quoted massively of late - most markedly by the BBC, who purported that Pratchett had ‘taken a swipe’ at Harry Potter author JK Rowling. Specifically, Terry responded to Rowling’s remark “I really had not thought that [writing fantasy] was what I was doing”, by saying “I would have thought that the wizards, witches, trolls, unicorns, hidden worlds . . . would have given her a clue?”

When I tell Terry that the BBC have reproached him for poking fun at her in his letter, he says “Oh, so it’s metamorphosed into ‘poking fun’ has it? It’s surprising that one can poke fun at Tolkein, the Queen, the Pope and God but a fellow author is somehow sacrosanct”, likely implying the content of his famously satirical Discworld novels.

“In any case,” he goes on, “I don’t think that was the problem. The BBC did a bit of a twist on a letter I sent to The Sunday Times last year, so that my annoyance at some of the comments about pre-Rowling fantasy writing made by a journalist who was interviewing her were made to appear as if they were an attack on Ms. Rowling herself.

“I wonder what happened to the author of the Barry Trotter books,” he grins mischievously. “Will we ever know?”

It is this good-humoured nature which has made the queues for Terry’s book-signings look like the line for a rock (or, rather, ‘music with rocks in’) concert, with fans arriving over an hour in advance to ensure that they meet him faceto-face. When I inquire whether he has had any particularly odd exchanges with them, he simply says “Most of the meetings have just been pleasant. There is a significant lack of weirdness.” He is gallant about the poignant moments, too. “As for the touching ones, they are private,” but, he hints, “you would be amazed at some of the letters I get.”

Pratchett fans don’t stop there in their expressions of admiration, either. There are innumerable fansites by lovers of Discworld, including one boasting instructions for baking a (bizarrely impressive) Discworld cake, and another displaying a series of (just plain bizarre) dolls - primarily Barbie and Ken in origin - which have been variously distressed to appear like characters from Discworld But Terry is mindfully unacquainted with the level of fanaticism surrounding his books. “I move like a silver shadow across the face of the internet, and where I go and where I stop and when I leave no-one will know,” he smiles

enigmatically. “Actually, I tend to steer clear of most fan-sites. The only fan outlet I look at regularly is alt.fan.pratchett, because that mostly exists to tell me what I am doing wrong and that is much better for my ego.”

Talented and modest, Pratchett’s qualities seem boundless, as does his audience. Complementing his adult tomes with the likes of The Bromeliad Trilogy and Johnny and the Bomb, Pratchett has captivated children as well as we ‘grown-ups’ - most recently with the adolescent Tiffany Aching series.

“I had done seven children’s books before I did the young adult Discworld books. I’ve been doing those because they enable me to explore new areas and themes without losing any of the very useful Discworld background. In a sense I franchised Discworld to myself to write a slightly different series of books.”

Common themes of Wintersmith, and all of the Tiffany Aching books, are nature and farm life, as exemplified by Tiffany’s particular talent for cheese-making. Is the rural setting of the books inspired

by Pratchett’s home in Wiltshire or birthplace of Buckinghamshire?

“In a way, yes, but mostly it’s about being alive and observant for more than fifty years and having sixteen feet of bookshelves on folklore and rural life!”

A theme only subtly referred to in Wintersmith, and Terry’s books at large, is romance. Is this a constraint of the genre?

“Actually, I think Tiffany and Roland’s “romance” is pretty realistic given the nature of their time and society. It’s all a bit pre-Victorian, where a lot of the romance consists of being embarrassed in front of the other party.”

With influences on young people being a contentious issue, whether regarding television, computer games or books, I wonder whether Terry feels more responsible for the moral aspect of his children’s stories than his adult writing?

“I think I know what you mean, of course an author does have some moral responsibility for everything he writes. I think I could best say, I am careful about what I do, but the last thing I set out to write is some kind of moral handbook. If there are any messages in the children’s books, the only one I’ll own up to is that it’s better to get smart than be dumb.”

Soon after the release of Wintersmith, Sky 1 produced an awardwinning TV adaptation of Hogfather, a project which Terry wholly enjoyed.

“I loved Hogfather. How involved was I? A lot more than most authors would expect to be involved in a project of this nature.” Sharpeyed fans will have spotted Terry

Pratchett: Ankh-Morpork's most notorious wearer of hats in his cameo role as the toymaker.

“The reason I like it so much is this: They hadn’t got a lot of money, they had to cut some corners and there are places where I wish things could have been re-shot... But, it’s not embarrassing. They didn’t decide to put in a car chase, or seriously mess around with the plot.

In a nutshell, they didn’t muck it about.”

The next adaptation rumoured of Terry’s work is Spiderman 3 director Sam Raimi’s plan to film The Wee Free Men, something which Terry feels “pretty relaxed” about.

“I think if he actually does do it,” he explains, “it will be good, and I know that if he doesn’t do it in a given period of time, I get the money and the rights back!”

In the fourteen years since Pratchett’s first novel, The Colour of Magic, there have been many other renderings of his writing, including computer games, boardgames, and Stephen Briggs’ plays. How does Terry feel about all of these versions of his work?

“I attend his plays religiously.

As for all the rest, I’m pretty happy.

It’s all fairly low-key in any case.”

It’s not just in adaptations that other people have influenced Terry’s work. The Science of Discworld

books were written with additional input from Ian Stewart and Jack S. Cohen, and Good Omens written in partnership with Neil Gaiman, a book regarded by Pratchett as his “only true collaboration.”

“For the Science of Discworld collaborations Jack and Ian contributed almost all of the science and I contributed almost all of the other bits. Obviously there was a lot of cooperation, but it probably wasn’t a collaboration in the way people would normally understand the term.” Fans can rest assured, though, that “On things like the diaries, I generally get to have the final say!”

The most important thing that Terry has the final word on is of course his own books, including the forthcoming Discworld novel Making Money.

“Making Money is finished and right now, this very afternoon, I shall be going through a huge list of editorial questions and suggestions,” he enthuses.

So I am looking forward to the book’s October 1st release, with its promise of my next lucky day.

Terry Patchett's latest novel, Making Money - a sprawling tale starring former con-man Moist von Lipwig and his various (mis)adventures as the man in charge of Ankh-Morpork’s Royal Mint - is published on October 1st

by Doubleday at £18.99.

> 36

> johnny borrell

Johnny Boy Camille Augarde spends an hour and a half alone in a room with the wide grin, Stella for us, and a phenomenal amount of banter.

I feared that there must be some horrible mistake; that he thought I may be someone else… his laundress? Or his long lost sister perhaps? For the sake of Vision and my feminine whim however, I

“

I’m not a natural genius...I have to work hard. played along (I make it sounds like it was a chore…) and greeted my (apparently) dear old “brother Borrell” with an equal amount of conviction. However, after reels of softly spoken questions about how my night was going, it struck me that perhaps this was not the sick joke or the embarrassing misunderstanding that I had assumed, but that Johnny Borrell might just be (dare I say it?) a genuinely nice guy.

However, I had read various, disheartening claims that Borrell is a big ball of delight until the ‘record’ button is pressed down, at which point he pins on his infamous motor-mouth and unleashes his vile, self-adoring, rock ‘n’ roll persona. Indeed, Borrell is quite the artiste when it comes to spitting out the classics, the wildest proclamations being “firstly, I’m a genius. Musically, culturally, everything”, and even better: “compared to the Razorlight album, Dylan is making the chips.” Not wanting to get too over-excited at such an early stage therefore, I kept this in the back of my mind, held my breath and off we went…

Despite these particular self-adoring declarations seeming rather ridiculous however, there is no escaping the fact that since forming in 2002, both of the Anglo-Swedish band’s albums, ‘Up All Night’ and ‘Razorlight’, have gone quadruple platinum, they have taken Live 8 by storm, supported legends such as the Rolling Stones and Queen, and have bagged the much sought after headlining slot for this year’s Leeds and Reading festival. Indeed, it seems that Razorlight have a reason or fifty to brag. Now on a sold out UK stadium tour, Johnny Borrell has come a long way since his early days as a heroine-using, bowler hat (oh dear God, Johnny…) wearing busker, scampering about the streets of Camden. Whilst it is fantastic that the talented lads have found success, I personally feel that whilst ‘Up All Night’ is an intimate collection of gritty, three-dimensional songs which capture these personal pre-fame days of Johnny’s, the band’s strife for greater recognition is strikingly evident in their second album, ‘Razorlight’. This, I argue, is brimming with colossal, catchy, and in many ways excellent, but impersonal songs which scream to be played to a stadium of lighter waving loons

and their mothers. Borrell agrees, “You see, when I wrote the first album we were playing in squats to 200 people. The idea was simply to write a great album about what was around… But my field of vision at that point was very small”.

Animatedly acting out his life story he points his fingers at my glass, explaining that “It was like living in your pint glass. I was there and I could see London and that was it.

It was quite a revelation that Manchester existed, let alone fucking New York! Y’know? But then you see that there’s a world out there and your perspective broadens.” In other words, once Razorlight realised that they could become hugely successful, they grabbed every opportunity to ensure that they definitely would, as any ambitious human would. Indeed, their abrupt transition from of the grottos of Camden and into the white lights

“

“

NME’s ‘villain of the year’, horrific images began to flash before me. The most disturbing and colourful of these featured headlines involving Pete ‘Johnny Borrell is a poisonous snake, he deserved head butting’ Doherty, and ‘Razor fight’ (credit to The Sun for that little gem) with band mates Carl Dalemo and ‘the nicest man in rock’, Andy Burrows. With this in mind, the fact that my wrists are as limp as dish-rags and that he has acquired the name ‘J-Bo’ for frequently busting diva strops and standing interviewers up, I began to feel really rather sorry for myself.

Thankfully, I was soon snapped out of these harrowing visions by a sweetly sung, “Camille?

Camiiiiille? (for that is my name) echoing down the hall. In padded Johnny; showered and changed from the evening’s gig, sucked into black I’mnot-the -joking -type skinnies and armed with cheek-kisses, a

“

“T

he band don’t do face-toface interviews on tour… ever”, Razorlight’s management had bluntly informed me. Au contraire my lying friends, for Johnny Borrell, has revealed himself to be a man of many surprises, as I discovered when he kindly agreed to meet me in ‘Johnny’s warm-up room – Shh!’ at the Manchester MEN for an exclusive interview. Floundering in a sea of body-engulfing sofas, ‘breathe on me at your peril’ guitars, and an interesting array of foliage, I contemplated the hour ahead. Well aware of his notoriety for verbally a b u s i n g journalists, scarring their dictaphones w i t h tearwort h y, D y l a n bashing commentsa,nd achieving nominations for awards such a s

You grow up dreaming of playing Wembley Stadium, not reading a review of it. And if that sounds arrogant, I don’t give a shit.” of the mainstream has brought about the sale of 1.2 million copies of ‘Razorlight’.

Despite being unashamedly proud of these songs that have brought him so much success, pinpointing ‘Golden Touch’ and ‘America’ as his personal favourites, he readily admits that “I’m not a natural genius, unlike Andy (Burrows). I have to work hard”. Scrunching up his face he explains that “I felt so much fucking pressure making that first album. The second one I knew had

to be fantastic as well, but I knew that the songs were great, I really knew it, it wasn’t like I was wishing that they were, so it was quite straightforward.” He explains the importance of challenging himself as an artist, stating that “the rule that Razorlight have is that we have to love the song, it has to completely blow us away, but we also have to be quite scared of it; we have to be shitting ourselves.” Indeed, with their seventh single, ‘Somewhere Else’, Johnny admits that “I knew it was a great song ‘cause we all really liked it” but there’s no drums, no bass, and two acoustic guitars, “so it was like maybe, maaaaybe we’re not going to get away with it”. Having reached number two in the UK charts however, it seems that they did, and “the point then was just go and zerox ourselves around the world, photocopy ourselves as many times as we could and play the album to as many different people in as many different places as possible.”

Despite obviously loving his career, and working hard to ensure that his music is heard, I wonder if Johnny weren’t a musician, what would he be? At this point the singer became startlingly coy and smiley, musing: “aww, no one’s ever called me a ‘musician’ before. Thankyou so much”. I wondered what they did call him then, and thought back to an article I had read which referred to him as “a dirty man in a leotard” who does nothing aside from “titting about with his top off all the bastard time”. Thinking better of it, I pursued the original question. Knowing that he used to dabble quite heavily in drugs, I half expected him to say “dead”, so it came as a surprise when he said without pause, “I’d be a frustrated ‘musician’. I’d be singing loudly in the pub opposite the MEN.” I believe this, as it transpires that Borrell is genuinely besotted with and impressively knowledgeable about music. He talks very passionately and to great lengths about how Joni Mitchell’s ‘California’ was the song which first inspired him

>> johnny borrell spotlight: the rapture

> > 37 27

Done Good

boy Borrell and waits for him to say something controversial

to pick up his instruments. Having played with Roger Daltrey at a Teenage Cancer Trust concert last year, we discuss other dream collaborations. Expecting him to go for the generic “Lennon, obviously” or “Elvis, what a ledge!” answer, to my surprise he quietly replies “Fela Kuti. He’s fearless.

Want to see why?” I said ok, and he disappeared again, only to return with his ipod and a pair of speakers resembling E.T’s spacecraft. A few clicks and the Nigerian singer was off - jazz funk rattling the intimidating amount of mirrors which filled the room, whilst Johnny leant back and

“

“

I’ve never liked a band unless I’ve wanted to be or wanted to fuck the lead singer. I try to be both. absorbed the erm, ‘lack of fear’ vibe. I began to find Borrell’s personality really rather alluring. He is charismatic, welcoming, polite and has an extraordinary breadth of musical knowledge which he is eager to share. I started to think that he has been misjudged by the press and bit the bullet by asking how he responds to the media, specifically the NME and tabloid papers such as the sun throwing “bastard Borrell” and “Razorshite” shaped insults at him. At this point Johnny went rather quiet and replied “Pardon?

I didn’t know that. I don’t read the papers”. Wishing the plush red carpet would swallow me whole I tried to change the subject, but he pursued it, instructing me:

“Make sure you get this down, ok?

You grow up dreaming of playing Wembley Stadium, not reading a review of it. And if that sounds arrogant, I don’t give a shit.”

Suddenly, Johnny glanced down at his watch, announcing “Ooo I’ve just turned 27” and dashed out of the room. I wondered whether my previous Borrellbashing comments had upset him and if this was just an excuse to abandon the interview. I tried to console myself, telling my mind that if it actually was his birthday then I very much doubt that he would want to spend its opening minutes being quizzed on his ego. However, it seems that this is actually a very desirable way to spend your birthday, as back in he scuttled, beaming and bearing more alcohol. If the interview didn’t finish then I was pretty sure that my next movements would put an end to it, as upon receiving my happy unbirthday hug, I spilled beer all over his enough-to-feed-a-smallcountry laptop. All the images of him rearranging his band mates faces danced before me, but he just laughed (ho ho… no, I still can’t see the funny side of it). Some of this drink also went on his jeans (oh sweet Jesus!) at which point I thought it appropriate to mention the band’s image. “Well, personally I’ve never liked a band unless I’ve wanted to be or wanted to fuck the lead singer. I try to be both.” On paper I’m sure that that comes across as repulsively arrogant, but I personally believe that rock n roll stars ought to think that they are the business if they are to ooze charisma and confidence onstage. He explained to me that great front men of the past, such as Iggy Pop and Elvis Presley, have been adored and respected

because of these qualities, and I strongly agreed.

Having gotten himself out of that one, now was the time to quiz him about his Persil sponsored legs (not in those words… I’d done enough damage for one interview). “I have five or six white outfits, and I just sort of alternate” he states matter of factly.

To my utter horror he began to eagerly discuss the ‘Before I Fall to Pieces” single sleeve, upon which there are four columns, each with a band member in and each wearing one solid colour. Johnny

gushes at how “awesome” it would be if they could adopt this look permanently. I manage to half reply, “Oh my…” to this suggestion to resurrect ‘Rainbow’and realise that he is in fact joking.

“Nah” he laughs, “that’s the point of the band – there are four individual musicians, hence why everyone dresses separately. I wear white because I just wanted to do something and stick to it.” He asks if I think he should go though a midlife crisis and change the colour… I’m all for this, and we decide on red. Watch

this space… ahem.

So there we have it. The man that I thought I had pigeonholed as an arrogant, obnoxious poser has revealed himself to be a rather surprising, charming, funny and intelligent man, who also happens to be one of the most talented songwriters and performers of all time. In my eyes makes him the rock n roll icon that he proclaims himself to be, and gives him just cause to brag his little heart out. God bless Johnny Borrell.

Big Mouth Strikes Again...The most controversial things ever to come out of the mouth of Borrell.

"Firstly, I'm a genius" "I’m the best songwriter of my generation. I’ve got more songs and spirit than anyone else" "Compared to the Razorlight album Dylan is making the chips. I’m drinking champagne" "The Kooks' record is the most horrible thing I’ve ever heard. It sounds like the band are literally rolling over, sticking their arse in the air and begging Radio 1 to fuck them. I heard their single on the radio the other day and it sounds like fucking Avril Lavigne!"

"I deplore tact y’know? Because tact is just another word for lying isn’t it" "I could’ve been a poet but I’ve never seen anyone perform poetry and been anything other than bored out of my head. Cos it’s a dead art form."

> 38

> music: album and single reviews

Modest Mouse:

We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank Out Now

Modest Mouse is a very bad name for a band. Mice are famously quite modest, apart from that Mickey fellow and his girlfriend who always looks a bit too self satisfied for my liking, but then if I had a dress like that, I probably would too.

Imagine being a fly on the wall at the meeting where they came up with that … “So, guys, mice, what are mice like? Self-confident? Loudmouthed?” But, as we musos know, don’t judge a band by its name, judge them by the fact that the legend that is Johnny Marr has joined them.

'We Were Dead...' starts promisingly enough: ‘March Into The

The Maccabees 'Colour It In' 14/05/07

T

o the ears of all those Vision readers who consistently turn to the music section first and foremost (I know you all do really), the name of Brighton based band The Maccabees will by now be affectionately familiar.

Ever since the independent release of their first single ‘X-ray’ in 2005, The Maccabees have never failed to impress with the infectiously memorable melodies of live favourites such as ‘Latchmere’ (the one about the wave machine) and ‘About Your Dress’, but thirteen track debut album ‘Colour It In’ is something else altogether. Beautifully crafted, effortlessly and eclectically diverse, the fivesome’s latest offering is nothing short of a masterpiece.

Setting the tempo is little known track ‘Good Old Bill’, drawing the ear’s attention with a tinny drumbeat that is broken only by the gorgeously muted tones of twentytwo year old singer Orlando Weeks, and as the bass guitar kicks in, the album launches into its i n i m i t abl e swing. The f o l l o w ing tracks, including personal f avo u r i t e ‘All In Your

Sea’ showcases the slightly mental Isaac Brock’s excellent vocal range (from anguished screaming to softer crooning) and suggests exciting things to come. Unfortunately this promise is never totally fulfilled, and rest of the album stops just short of being truly great. It’s inoffensive and for a man who recently slashed up his chest on stage, Brock plays it too safe. ‘We Were Dead…’ certainly has more edge than the chart hit ‘Float On’, but then so does a circular ball of fluff. It’s when Brocks and co get wilfully weird as in ‘Fly Trapped In Jar’ which transmogrifies from heavy and scream filled to being almost dance nization of what Noughties music should really sound like, every song employs a wide variety of cacophonous riffs and sounds, but every single one of them delivers.

As the album draws to a close with the undulating rhythms of ‘Happy Faces’ and ‘Mary’, culminating in the ballad-like ‘Toothpaste Kisses’, there is one very special lyric that stands out: ‘first love, last love, it’s only love, it’s only love’. Yes Orlando, it really is.

KATIE JACKON

✰✰✰✰✰ Switches 'Heart Tuned to D.E.A.D.' Out Now

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enswe@r were a mid nine-

ties Britpop band who had a bit of success and then became well, a lot of a joke. They made guitar music with swirly chorus’ that was influenced by Blur and Elastica. Their albums sell for about £2 on EBay. Perhaps Switches should take note.

punk-esque by the end, that the album comes to life and begins to really work. Marr's influence is not overbearing or even immediately obvious and Modest Mouse haven't suddenly turned into The Smiths, but his technical prowess certainly helps to keep things tight. ‘We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sunk’ is solid (even dense at times) and has its great moments, but it is also at least three songs too long and the minute it’s turned off, I forget ever having heard it.

KATIE JACOBS

✰✰✰✰✰ Debut album ‘Heart tuned to D.E.A.D’ gives off more than a faint whiff of the Camden band’s stale sound.

On nonchalant classic rock influenced ambles (‘Drama Queen’, ‘Testify’) Matt Bishop is having trouble forcing lyrics out from beneath his rock star sunglasses and pout while ‘Snakes and Ladders’ continues to show that Switches aren’t boys bothered with new fangled gubbins. His band might pipe up with cutesy woo hoos every now and again – practically reinventing the wheel by this albums standards - but its irritating rather than charming.

Instead they pack in Queenesque harmonising. Pitched perfectly but completely pointless it adds little more to tracks than a breather before the guitar solo. It’s just one of many cases of influence overriding innovation.

At least ‘Lay Down the Law’ seems to revel in being a derivative bit of fun. With a regular rhythm made for shoulder shaking it’s an inoffensive OTT swagger. Even the handclaps sound alright!

Unfortunately that’s as alright as it gets. Despite a nice whirling introduction on ‘Coming Down’ the large part of the album is a botched concoction of pop falsetto, dirgey love songs and lacklustre verse.

But hey, Switches shouldn’t be too worried. Menswe@r had REALLY trendy haircuts…

SIAN ROWE

✰✰✰✰✰ Dub Pistols

Ro w s ’ , d e m o n strate exactly why The Maccabees are not going away any time soon; a glorious synchro-

[The Maccabees: A clear example that too much T.V is bad for your health...]

'Speakers and Tweeters' Out Now

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his album has opened my eyes. I have never been the world’s greatest fan of hiphop or reggae, and to be frank, I expected to hate Dub Pistols’

fuses them together in a kind of happy, boppy, bassy, beaty fusion of joy. That makes sense, right? It’s hip hop without the hedonism; Reggae without the relaxation; ska without the skankiness. In other words - it’s quite good.

Dub Pistols have made a highly intelligent album which manages to achieve a certain musical depth with its subtle varieties of mood and meaningful lyrics, at the same time, however, is also careful not to take itself too seriously: a refreshing combination.

'Running From The Thoughts' is a wordy hip-hop pastiche with punchy lyrics and brilliant electro-style samples, while Peaches reinvents the Stranglers’ hit with a chilled-out reggae beat and tongue-in-cheek vocals.

The most outstanding track, however, is probably 'Something to Trust' with its quick, and gradually quickening, pace and brilliant Cuban-style brass section; Rodney P’s bouncy rhymes make it all the more exhilarating.

Take a risk: buy this album.

RICHARD BYRNE-SMITH

✰✰✰✰✰ Groove Armada 'Soundboy Rock' 07/05/07

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hen I first came across Groove Armada, I associated them with cool downbeat chillout. Then I started going to clubs, and it changed to pumping disco hits. More recently, the image of a Renault shaking its large posterior has taken over as my Groove Armada association of choice. Now, however, it has changed again.

Staggeringly, this is Groove Armada’s seventh album. And it’s not bad. Echoes of past influences pulse through the album, but there is a new, different, exciting edge to it – perhaps due to the millions of collaborators the London duo have managed to persuade on board. Including Angie Stone, Tony Allen (The Good, the Bad and the Queen), Mutya (Sugababes), Simon Lord (Simian Mobile Disco), Mark Ronson, and Richard Archer (Hard Fi), the guest artists add a welcome colour and variety to an album in which every track remains distinctly unique.

'See What You Get' bounces along brilliantly with its soul-fused beat and unimpressed indie vocals, while the title track is slow and chilledout, attempting a kind of reggae ripoff, which is fairly successful, albeit slightly clichéd.

'Song 4 Mutya (Out of Control)' is unashamedly naff. The commercial winner of the album, this track won’t be for everyone – it certainly isn’t for me – but its cheesy 80s synths and annoying vocals are thorns in a sea of musical roses.

So, my current Groove Armada association? Well this album is varied, interesting and unpredictable, and for those who – like me – enjoy a good dance beat, will most likely prove to be a pretty worthwhile buy.

RICHARD BYRNE-SMITH

✰✰✰✰✰ Not seeing the music you want? Think you can do better? Get in touch at music@vision. york.ac.uk and we'll 'ave a good ol' chin-wag.

new singles by... ...the music ed.

Mark Ronson

'Stop Me'

‘ S t o p me’, a cover of ‘Stop me if you t h i n k t h a t you’ve heard this one before’ presents a tricky subject. It’s a great dance track, and though Ronson’s explained that he doesn’t do covers because he thinks he can do better than the original, but instead wants to make it ‘bounce’, I still have to agree with my mate Katie: you should never mess with The Smiths.

Klaxons

'Gravity's Rainbow' Ah yes, the Klaxons.

They’re a bit odd aren’t they? Like to dress in crazy outfits and have lots of neon. New rave and all that. This track sounds like its been plucked out of space and should come with a complimentary disco ball. Though this could have something to do with the line ‘Come with me, we’ll travel to infinity’. Can we really?

Shall I pack a picnic?

Noisettes

'Scratch Your Name' You know when a song comes on and you make an absolute idiot of yourself on the dance floor, to the point where your friends disown you? No? Just me then. But seriously, you can’t help but shake along in time, trust me; it’s one of them. I know what you’re thinking: ‘she’s lost ‘er bleedin’ mind, ‘ain’t she?’. Well check it out for yourself then, you flapjack.

Arcade Fire 'Intervention'

Sweet Jesus these people are good. I must admit, I was a little hesitant at the new album living up to my expectations, but this song uses an actual church organ. Personally, I’m already sold, but I’m quite cheap. You’re probably not though, so here’s the best bit: they also use an instrument called a hurdygurdy. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

> music: live reviews

> 39 The Shins

Hanson

The Forum, Kentish Town 28/03/07

Koko, Camden Town 22/04/07

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Bob Dylan: He Sure Ain't Past It...

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he gig was at the worst possible venue going: Wembley arena. We had the worst possible seats: at the back, in Wembley arena. We also had to pay extortionate prices for drinks.

Normally, at this point in time I’d be out the door and in the pub.

But this is Dylan we’re talking about here. This is the man who created protest songs like ‘Only a Pawn in their Game’, ‘Masters of War’ and ‘A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall’. A man who was called Judas for picking up an electric guitar;

Erol Alkan Leeds University 24/03/07

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rol Alkan meant nothing to me. He is now my god. Alright, I knew about his tenyear-long residency at London’s legendary Trash club-night, and accordingly expected an above-average night, but I did not, however, expect to have my brain metaphorically blown out of my head.

All too often, unfortunately, support acts are just a waste of time; Alkan’s however, were not. Sets from electro virtuosos Nightmoves, Duke Dumont and People Get Real melded seamlessly into one huge euphoric chaos; what’s more, the DJs were not afraid of working together to deliver a pummelling bass so loud that it almost shattered the walls.

A l -

and who in his musical history has clocked up some thirty odd studio albums alone. This, and the price of the tickets, compelled me to stay put.

However, Bob is apparently quite particular. There was no personal introduction from the man himself, no talking between songs and no addressing the audience apart from giving credit to his band: Denny Freeman, Stu Kimball, Tony Garnier, Donnie Herron and George G Receli. His set was tight, his band played well and his voice kan followed with one of the most orgasmic DJ sets I have ever heard. He teased the elated crowd w i t h enticing interludes to the point of anticipatory climax, before f i n a l l y and triumphantly allowing the beat to explode into life. My favourite moment of the whole night – stuff it, my whole life – was when Alkan subtly introduced Eurythmic’s 'Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This' over his trademark jittery electro beat. The crowd went crazy; I could actually not believe it was happening.

Best of all, I spent the night dancing like never before with people, who, while clearly extremely trendy, were not self-conscious in the slightest – we were all in it together. All in all, it was, quite frankly, an utterly sensational experience.

R I C H A R D BYRNE-SMITH

Wembley Arena, 15/04/07 was in full working order.

So the point I need to stress is this: it was one of the best gigs I’ve ever been to. Bob Dylan and his band played the whole of Modern Times, plus ‘Highway 61 Revisited’ and, of course, ‘Like a Rolling Stone’.

I nearly fell off my seat when he played ‘All Along the Watchtower’ as his encore and was enthralled for the whole two hours. Even if the man himself appeared three inches tall from such a distance.

LOULLA-MAE ELEFTHERIOU-SMITH

he Kentish Town Forum is reminiscent of a haunted mansion; at once grand and dilapidated, it provides perhaps a fitting venue for a band whose collective age seems to defy the youthful innovation of their music. The Shins have long produced a sound that both startles in its originality and yet somehow feels like home, and their live performance was by no means an exception.

Bumbling out on stage in a coy and awkward rabble, they played tracks from all three of their painfully impressive albums, and did so without even a hint of arrogance, seemingly entirely unaware of just quite how talented they are.

Backed by a band of merry men, frontman James Mercer sang with unrelenting finesse, shrieking and whispering in peaks and troughs that made for a mesmerising vocal delivery. Gliding between tracks, The Shins weaved unexpected key changes and cow-bell-generated energy into the complex tapestry of their performance, all the while beaming uncontrollably at the audience with smiles that negate the bleak reality of their lyrics. As the gig came to a close, Mercer screamed out his final thoughts to the infectious melody of ‘So Says I’; “’Cause this is nothing like we’d ever dreamt/Tell Sir Thomas More we’ve got another failed attempt”, and in recognising life’s imperfection delivered a message of optimism and hope that The Shins are all about.

MATT HOUGHTON

The Strange Death of Liberal England York Fibbers

My Chemical Romance Wembley Arena

16/03/07

T

SDOLE are one of those things which in itself would not be a problem, were it not symptomatic of a larger malaise.

There’s no real harm in people forming bands to pretend they are in better bands, but what I resent is the erosion of the potential for inventiveness that this entails. Postrock music has degenerated from a disparate and creative genre with influences from all over the place, to a scene with a style and style icons.

When one band is aping the sound of another, it becomes difficult to take other aspects of the performance as sincere. When TSDOLE sing an anti-war song it appears (even if it might not be the case) that this is just another copied pose, as if the politics of post-rock come with the use of delay effects, or a violin bow on a guitar. Post-rock is being made safe for consumption by an influx of mediocre bands who have taken elements of the sound and re-jigged them to make it more amenable for sale. More singing, less metal, less jazz, less alienating weirdness; more endearing sartorial eccentricities.

By the time the band had sat down in the audience (in a circle, facing inwards) for an utterly unmerited encore I couldn’t take any more. Do not lend this band your time, money or approval. Sometimes you have to treat the symptoms to cure the disease.

CHRIS TOMLINSON

B

elieve it or not it’s been ten years since the Hanson clan first treated us to their harmonic musical offerings and enlightened us with the cute’n’catchy MMMBop back in 1997. Now the screaming kids who go to their gigs have matured into screaming young women, and as the band take to the stage after a brief support from Jade Gallagher it’s clear they’re just as happy to see their favourite boys as they were a whole decade ago. Launching straight into powerful new song 'Great Divide' the show kicks off at a high pace, letting up only to allow the band to show their gratitude for the dedication of the fans by literally bowing down to them. A recent trip to Africa to show support for the AIDs crisis clearly influences several songs with a more serious theme than those of their youth. Zac breaks several drumsticks as he beats his drums like his life depends on it during live favourite 'Rock’n’Roll Razorblade'. Isaac sticks to his trusty guitar throughout, proving he stills knows how to rock on the classic 'This Time Around' and new sing-along favourite 'Been There Before'. Taylor flings himself at the piano, miraculously hitting the right notes every time. Hanson have perfected their talent through years of touring and writing together and show tonight that they have much more to offer than just that bit of pop music that the world knows them for.

These guys know good old-fashioned rock and roll and the fans love every minute of it.

RE

I

29/03/07

n the cut-throat world of the music industry, it’s nice to see bands actually helping each other to succeed rather than trampling over each other to get to the top. A perfect example of this being the fact that My Chemical Romance, having now made it to ‘the top’, chose to bring along old NJ mates Thursday to support them at their sold-out Wembley arena shows. A generous move perhaps but one which backfired when they failed to impress the awaiting hoardes.

As the now legendary My Chemical Romance took to the stage it became clear that theatrics were the aim of the day with front man Gerard Way arriving on stage on a

hospital bed to the opener ‘The End,’ followed swiftly by the entire rest of the new album. Other highlights included a dramatic recreation of hell with red lighting and blasts of fire for the bizarre yet brilliant 'Mama', and copious amounts of confetti explosions during the climax of hit single 'Welcome to the Black Parade'. Whilst it’s easy to get captivated by Gerard’s overwhelming stage presence, this gig really proved what the rest of the band can do as they thrash through the songs with enthusiasm and dedication, clearly revelling in the glory that they’ve worked so hard for. With a well received end to a fantastic show, the band prove that they’re not too big for their boots yet and that they’re always willing to give the fans what they want.

RACHAEL EYTON

> 40

> culture

National Student Drama Festival

Art Previews

Sophie Davies gives her account of proceedings at this year's National Student Drama Festival in Scarborough

Vintage Fashion Illustrations,

by Alan J Brooks 16 April – 3 May York College, Tadcaster Road:

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or a week during Easter, Scarborough was transformed into a theatrical melting pot as six hundred students and professional theatre-makers from around the country descended on the bracing sea-side town to take part in the annual National Student Drama Festival. A “week long celebration of theatre”, the festival showcases the top student drama in the country and hosts a wide range of workshops run by professionals who can offer students an insight into their knowledge and experience of professional theatre. Any aspect of theatre can be pursued: there are workshops on writing, directing, acting, producing, musical theatre, comedy, lighting and design. The festival also attracts a large technical crew of students who can use their skills in a professional environment by assisting the productions which are chosen to perform there.

There is so much to learn – it really is a great opportunity for anyone hoping to pursue a career in any aspect of theatre. Indeed, many a professional theatre-maker has pinpointed the NSDF as being the

springboard for their careers. Actor Timothy West, who is on the board of directors, directed the first winning play fifty-two years ago. Today, the festival is not short of famous names eager to share their wisdom with the bright young things. This year, students were treated to workshops run by professionals such as directors Indu Rubasingham and Mark Rosenblatt, actors such as Ian Reddington and the West End producer David Johnson. Writers were also in luck: The Hull Truck Theatre Company ran a series of workshops during the week culminating in the commissioning of one lucky student’s play. Writer, director and actor Chris Thorpe was there to share his theatrical insight, hosting workshops based on the translation of plays and the use of science in theatre. Budding theatre critics could compete for prizes, with The Sunday Times and Theatre Record offering awards for reviewers who would write for the daily and controversial publication Noises Off – a magazine of reviews, articles and poems where nothing was held back.

Of course, the University of

{William Bowry's 'Stone Cold Dead Serious'}

York was flying the theatrical flag as director William Bowry’s production Stone Cold Dead Serious was chosen to be part of this year’s line-up: an eclectic mix of dazzling student writing, new writing from up-and-coming professional playwrights and classic absurdist drama. Subjects were equally diverse: from suicidal ex-gardeners, to terrorists, to abused puppets and our very own tale of samurai warriors - there was certainly a lot to think about. One of the judges, Robert Hewison of The Sunday Times, seemed dismayed at the lack of classics at the festival. “Why don’t you do Hamlet?” he complained at the awards ceremony.

He should have really aimed his rhetorical frustrations at the selectors, asking rather “Why didn’t you select Hamlet?” Indeed, the classics hardly featured. Perhaps selectors at the NSDF were keen to encourage new writing and general cutting-edge theatre. And rightly so.

There are enough classics being performed in order to get bums-onseats around the country – surely it’s more important to nurture new talent, so that theatre doesn’t just die? It must be said, his view that students don’t seem to care about the classics is simply unfounded.

Here at the University of York in our Drama Society we have seen no end of ‘classics’ performed: from Hedda Gabler to Twelfth Night to The Crucible to this summer’s Tartuffe and The Importance of Being Ernest, students are very much in touch with their “theatrical heritage” as Hewison put it.

There was one classic at the festival, in the form of Ionesco’s absurdist drama Victims of Duty.

Liked by some, not at all liked by others, the play from Warwick School explored the themes of memory, loss and theatricality in a man’s quest to find ‘Mallot’. Bizarre as it was, it was a cleverly executed production, almost dreamlike with its use of UV lighting. It exacted its fair amount of laughter and applause, but for me it was one

of those plays where the laughter, rather than being spontaneous was the audience’s attempt at acknowledging they ‘get’ the clever jokes, which isn’t really my thing.

The highlight for me was the University of Winchester’s The Ordinaries – a beautiful student written play by Ed Wren performed by student theatre company The River People. With clear influences of Tim Burton, it was a stunning ensemble piece exploring a dysfunctional family unit, with a puppet, Sarah, the youngest child of the family at the centre of this dark tale of child abuse. A multi-coloured patchwork sofa and black-and-white checkered floor formed the set, and the actors would emerge through all parts. With its mixture of poetic language, physical theatre, puppetry, comedy and sadness the play was an extremely moving take on the darker side to human nature and for me captured the essence of what theatre should be.

Other productions that featured in the line-up included Jez Butterworth’s The Night Heron, from Warwick University, Robin Soans’ Talking to Terrorists from Nottingham University and the puppet-fest Haozkia from Edinburgh, with Al Smith (of last year’s Enola fame) gaining the Best Playwrighting award for Radio – a one man show about post-war optimism and Vietnam despair.

Our production of Adam Rapp’s Stone Cold Dead Serious was indeed well received; with director William Bowry winning an award for his direction as well as being commended for the bravery in taking on such a play, whose narrative moves from the real, to the unreal to the sublime as a mute is beheaded live on television. Our very own Dominic Allen also received a commendation for his superb comic performance as the dodgy driver of a Chrysler New Yorker.

All in all, NSDF is a brilliant experience for any theatre enthusiast, though at £99 a ticket, it’s not cheap, which is a shame.

Auditions: Romeo and Juliet Get involved with Lords of Misrule Theatre Company's Production of Shakespeare's classic tradgedy.

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he Lords of Misrule, the medieval drama group of the Centre for Medieval Studies, are pleased to announce auditions for their Summer Production of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet.

This will be a fun, informal evening of scene-reading and games in the garden. (Wear something you wouldn’t mind getting dirty!)

No prior experience required!

Rehearsals will be held twice a week throughout the summer.

Performances are tentatively set for the weekend of August 17th and will range over 3 days.

We have set the play in 14th-century Venice. Hot, bawdy, refined, depraved, pious, violent - a society teetering on the brink of disaster.

People living constantly on the edge, resulting in a carnivale feel of adrenalin, bad behaviour, high comedy and extreme tragedy. A play of dark and light, where you’ll want to laugh and cry within the same scene, sometimes in the same moment with seemingly manic levels of energy, as Romeo and Juliet career wildly towards disaster and the play it’s tragic end.

We will be performing in reconstructed original pronunciation (as close as we can manage!), and in an outdoor setting. In typical Lords fashion, it promises to be wild, raucous and great fun. So come along and play!

LORDS OF MISRULE SUMMER PRODUCTION Date: MAY 3, 2007 (Thursday of Week 2) Time: 7pm onwards Venue: the gardens of Constantine House (For those unfamiliar with the venue, we will have a member of the Lords gather the group at the Centre for Medieval Studies, Kings Manor at 6.45 and walk together to Constantine House.)

THIS TERM

These collections of vintage fashion illustrations are the work of Alan J Brookes, a freelance fashion illustrator who worked for Mr and Mrs Housley, owners of the Couturier Dress Shop in Blake Street in the mid-twentieth century. Alan’s work is highly regarded and this particular collection shows a selection of fashion drawings produced in the 1930’s. For more information call 01904 770277 ‘Of All Places’, Sarah and Geoffrey Bradford 24 March – 6 May Lund Gallery, Easingworld The Bradford’s work is inspired by places they have visited together but through different mediums. Sarah aims to recapture these places from a personal and subjective viewpoint in the form of abstract art. Geoffrey meanwhile explores this through the medium of sculpture and c o l l a g e s.

For more infor mation call 0 1 3 4 7 824400 Open Air Exhibition, Various Artists 30 June – 1 July Parliament Street, York If you missed the Spring exhibition last weekend then don’t worry, the Open Art Exhibition will be having another go in the Summer. Run by the CYC City Centre Management Scheme with York Art Society and the Northern Potter Association, this is the perfect chance to see some local artists display and sell their paintings, drawings and ceramics, with ten percent going to the Lord Mayors Charity. For more information call 01904 552272

Illuminating York Dancing in the Streets St. Sampsons Square Date tbc KMA uses the movement of the audience to create a kinetic light sculpture that is projected onto the streets after dark. The pavement becomes a canvas inviting people to walk over it, becoming an interactive display between the passer-by and projections surrounding them.

Weather Patterns York Art Gallery Every night after dark five giant e l e ct ro l uminescent panels display patter ns of light controlled by the weather.

> culture

> 41

DANCE IN YORK

Dance in York is making a big comeback this Summer. Here is a full list of the best upcoming dance events Dance Flash Grand Opera House 05/05/07

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ance Flash 2007 is the 63rd annual show by pupils of Isobel Dunn and will include Act II of Giselle alongside various jazz, ballet, tap and musical theatre items. Dancers from 3 to 80+ will be taking part with profits going to Martin House Children’s Hospice.

Tickets cost £10 and £6.50, available from the Grand Opera House.

Swan Lake Grand Opera House 02/05/07

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ienna Festival Ballet come to York next month with the most popular ballet in the world, Swan Lake. Founded in 1980 by Austrian dancer and artistic director, Peter Mallek, Vienna Festival Ballet uses talented international dancers, bring fresh energy to every performance. Expect stunning costumes, epic scenery, as these international stars perform to the beautiful music of Tchaikovsky.

The company tours eight months a year, presenting 200 shows in Britain and touring Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Belgium, Holland, Ireland and France. Future tours are being planned for Spain

and the Far East.

The company’s hard working wardrobe and technical staff succeed annually to produce and refurbish productions with designs that project colour and vitality to enhance the craft of the dancers, the choreographer and composer.

Tickets cost £11.50 to £12 on 0870 606 3595.

Dance York York City Centre 19/06/07 - 30/06/07

A

fter the success of Dance York last year, York City Council Arts and Culture are working to bring you Dance York 2007. A number of different dance events will be happening across the city, aiming to encourage dancers to display their talents, with opportunities to perform, create new dances and try out different dance styles.

On 23 June, will see the Jus Dance Showcase. This event will be showcasing dance shows traditionally performed outside between 11am and 5pm. This means you can expect anything from HipHop, Morris Dancing, Copoeira, Salsa to Bollywood.

Another big event, will be Dansopolis, on 26 June. Run by Yorkshire Dance, will involve everyone, from adults to toddlers, professional to amateurs, to showcase vibrant and diverse dance groups from around the region to celebrate the best community dance in

Yorkshire.

Dance Promenade will provide dancers with the chance to devise a piece of work triggered by various venues across the cities. Sites will include The National Railway Museum, the Museum Gardens, Exhibition Square, York Art Gallery, and several churches across the city, among many others.

Amatur Dance Show "Attitude Unleashed" Grand Opera House 11/05/07 - 12/05/07 Attitude Unleashed is just one of the many amateur dance shows taking place at the Grand Opera House this Summer. Presented by Lesley Hill, the Attitude Dance club returns to perform “Attitude Unleashed” with even bigger, bolder and more daring moves blended in a range of dance styles.

Performance Times: 11 May: 2.30pm and 7.30pm 12 May: 2.30pm and 7.30pm.

Tickets are £5, £7.50 and £10 Available from the box office 0870606395

{Swan Lake: International stars perfrom to the Tchaikovsky}

Drama Barn-arama

Dreamcoat Dreamboat

A full account of all that's happening at the Drama Barn this term

S

ummer term at the Drama Barn sees an exciting mix of new writing (both student and professionally written) and modern and old classics. From the controversial to the farcical, the line-up is sure to cater for all tastes:

Week 3: Lear’s Daughters by Elaine Feinstein

Directed by Rasheeda Nalumoso The most vilified daughters in history have their say! Shakespeare’s King Lear is a springboard as this student production blends scenes from the original play with the Women’s Theatre group collaborative Lear’s Daughters. It excitingly explores the narrative threads of Goneril, Regan and Cordelia… just let the fast talking Fool be your guide!

Week 4: The Cut by Mark Ravenhill

Directed by Sophie Davies and Cheryl Gallacher Set at some indeterminate point in the future, situated in an unspecified place where citizens are governed by unexplained rules and harsh divisions, The Cut tells the story of Paul, and ordinary man with a shocking secret. In a society sickened by his profession, Paul struggles with his conscience and longs to tell the truth.

Week 5: Subletting by Jethro Compton

Directed by Jethro Compton and Alice Boagey Sub-Letting is a black comedy that explores an eccentric couple’s search for a tenant. With characters that would feel right at home in The League of Gentlemen, the play has been described by the Royal Court Theatre as ‘sharp, idiosyncratic, funny, dark and satirical’.

Week 6: Journey’s End by R.C. Sherriff

Directed by Ellie Groom Three days in a WW1 dugout. News arrives of an imminent raid, and Stanhope must decide which of his men he is to send over the top. Journey’s End deals with epic themes on a human scale, and the result is as tender and comic as it is stirring and heartbreaking.

Week 7: Trainspotting by Harry Gibson

Directed by Alex Wright and Simon Maeder Trainspotting is fast, furious and in-yer-face. Follow 4 heroin addicts on a rollercoaster ride through Edinburgh’s brutal drugged-up underworld. Horrific and hilarious, this isn’t a night of theatre; this is a night of real life. Take a

hit. It’s electric.

Week 8: The Tartuffe by Jamie Wilkes, after Molière

Directed by Jamie Wilkes The Tartuffe tells the story of Orgon, an actor who fell from grace after falling for the scam of Tartuffe, an apparently new-age holyman. Through arrogance and ignorance Orgon allows Tartuffe to infect his fame, family and fortune until he loses it all and is damned to a life of bitterness.

Week 9: Daisy pulls it off/The Children’s Hour by Denise Deegan/Lillian Hellman.

Directed by Rebekah Brazier A double-bill exploring the comic and tragic aspects of life at a boarding school. Both plays explore the hurt that can be caused by a lie, but only one shows how the wrong can be undone; the other demonstrates what happens when the damage is irreparable.

Capitalising on last year’s success and the sunny weather, the outdoor park productions have returned.

Week 8 sees Shakespeare’s The Tempest in the Minster gardens whilst Week 9 sees Oscar Wilde’s The Importance of Being Ernest and Shakespeare’s Much ado about Nothing performed in rep at Rowntree Park.

Joseph and his Technicolour Dreamcoat.

Grand Opera House 17/04/07

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espite being a rather young looking Joseph, newcomer Jonathan Parkin did the role proud and certainly achieved all the notes. Apparently a number of other venues on the tour, had the privilege of H from Steps playing the titular role, but nevertheless, our Joseph did not disappoint.

The show retells the biblical story of Joseph - favoured child of father Jacob, and despised sibling of his eleven brothers. In a show of favouritism, Jacob makes Joseph “a multicoloured coat to wear”, sending his brothers into a spiral of rage, provoking them to fake Joseph’s death and sell him into slavery. As a “bloke who is hot on dreams” however, Joseph

makes the prediction that Egypt will suffer from famine, and soon finds favour with Pharaoh who promotes him to a position of power. When his brothers come to him for food they do not recognise him, allowing Joseph to teach them the error of their ways and reunite with both his family and the eponymous dreamcoat.

The narrator was a pretty blonde woman with a strong voice who effortlessly kept the story together. The usual cheese of bright colours and small children on the edges of the stage framed what was overall a very good production. My only criticism would be that the Elvis-inspired King was not as funny as he could potentially have been.

The strength of this performance means that the current wannabe Josephs on the BBC’s ‘Any Dream Will Do’ have a lot to live up to. I recommend catching this tour.

“Don’t rely on all I said I saw…” (at the Grand Opera House, York) “... it’s just that I have not been wrong before!”

SARAH HOWAT

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> tv

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teleVISION

dvertising narchy

Richard Webb is scared by the violence in the new car safety adverts and asks how the DVLA can get away with it...

Holy shark tits! Has anyone noticed what’s happening to those DVLA warning adverts? It seems that every year a new version comes out trying to warn us of the dangers of driving too fast and it always seems to involve a young child getting destroyed in an incredibly disturbing manner. The original was a slow-motion, sepia coloured cripple-fest where the camera follows a

car down the road until it smashes into a youngster who then promptly folds in half and gets tossed over the car like a teenage rag doll.

Meanwhile a group of pigeons fly past in what can only be construed as a homage to action film director John Woo. Lovely.

Next came the one in which we see a little dead girl lying slumped up against a tree who then begins

to move backward in time along the road, complete with sounds of reversed bone cracking and images of dislocated limbs popping back into place, to where she had first been hit by a car and thrown against said tree. And the sick bastards didn’t stop at that, because some twisted genius then came up with a faked ‘authentic death footage’ idea which used a

mobile phone video of somebody getting splatted.

Now we have the latest, and greatest (so the producers claim) car safety horror advert where again a young girl (it could well be the same one, poor little blighter) gets hit by a car, but this time… explodes into thousands of tiny shards of glass! Honestly it’s like some kind of mini CGI-enhanced sci-fi horror film. But just what sick mind is devising these adverts?

Probably some drooling psycho locked in an attic somewhere at DVLA HQ, being fed only stale Pepperami’s and forced to watch Ray Winstone films everyday on a non-stop loop… most likely he was the driver in all of those adverts.

Unlike many mainstream adverts, the DVLA can get away with creating such extreme violence and horrific scenes because if any one complains they can just say – ‘well maybe you’ll drive safely now you potential child murdering bastard’ when its more likely the driver will be too preoccupied thinking about how disturbing that ad was, instead of focusing on swerving away from that group of toddlers playing in the middle of the road. But if the surveillance cameras are running at least it’ll provide some good footage for the new campaign.

When Good Heroes Become Good Friends Heroes - BBC2 (Eventually...)

As the great man Benjamin Disreali once said, “Im so sick of waiting for BBC to air ‘Heroes’ I could shit a brick.” Such frustrations however, are due to end on Friday when the new American hit drama, about a group of cliché characters (high school cheerleader, down-on-hisluck cop etc) that suddenly gain superpowers, arrives on terrestrial on BBC2 just as soon as it finishes airing over on Sky (on the Sci Fi Channel). Heroes consists of several ‘ordinary’ char-

acters, there’s a politician's brother who has the ability to fly, a cheerleader who is totally indestructible, an artist with a drug addiction but who can paint the future, a psychic cop, a Japanese bloke who can stop time, and last (and definitely least) a Las Vegas stripper whose ‘super’ power is that ‘her mirror image has a secret’, which really just sounds crap compared to the others, but you never know.

Neighbours - BBC1 (Every Day...)

Meanwhile down-under on Ramsay Street there are a few strange goings on that need to be reported, chiefly that Harold seems to have either a baby or a kitten attached to his left breast in practically every scene he is in. Sadly it seems the Neighbours writers are intent on turning poppa Bishop senile, having him let Sky’s baby get stolen the other week and recently trying to use Paul Robinson’s fake leg as a sex aid – that one might not have happened actually. Anyway it’s been a few months since the big man had

one of his ‘going mental’ storylines.

Other big news comes from the Kennedy household, where Karl has quit being a doctor (so now nobody is ever ill anymore) and is growing a quite magnificent beard, which turned out to be infested with lice. Now that Karl and Susan are back together and enjoying a new family (thanks to that bloke dying and leaving his children with them) the Erinsborough status quo seems to have been resumed and the only trouble on the horizon is the Kennedy’s increased bickering over Karl’s new pet bird.

But as everyone knows, it’s just not Neighbours unless Karl’s cock is causing havoc on the street again.

SCENE IT? Gordon Ramsay and his ‘Kitchen Nightmares’ on Channel Four. It's good to see the saggy-faced chef swearing at every given moment, to everyone he meets, even children just passing by on the street. According to an unnamed source it has been alleged that Ramsay has it in his contract that every episode of the series must include a scene in which he takes off his shirt for no apparent reason what-soever.

It was fare-well to the Cricket World Cup on Sunday, but it seemed to have been going on since the beginning of time itself. Anyone remember when Woolmer died because it feels like about eight years ago now. Anyway there will be no more of those painfully long and pointless montages, no more bizarre post game analysis which was based either poolside in some drug dealers back garden or hovering over the ocean surrounded by jet skiers. Well done you Aussies, who thought you’d ever achieve anything better than Neighbours eh?

If you're after another hit of saggy-faced aggressive older gentlemen then Shark on Five is a good bet. James Woods has perhaps the most distressing hairstyle since Donald Trump on the Apprentice; it just seems to hover on top of his head…

Watchable only for those who enjoy legal-talking, fast-talking, walking-while-talking, shout-talking and good-peoplefinding-the-emotional lessonsin-a-bad-worldtalking, as seen in House, Numbers, West-Wing etc

> film: reviews

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tasi ur pr ise

THE LIVES OF OTHERS Dir: Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck Starring: Ulrich Muhe, Sebastian Koch Certificate: 15 Running Time: 137 mins

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he debut feature from Florian Henckel von Donnersmarck provides a dramatic insight into the fear of surveillance in East Germany in the mid-1980s, centred around the predominantly unidirectional voyeuristic relationship between the Stasi’s Captain Wiesler (Sebastian Koch), and lovers Georg Dreyman and Christa-Maria Sieland. Wiesler, measured and precise, has initially dogged faith in the benevolence of the State and his organisation. Simultaneously, Wiesler’s relationship with his peers is questioned: those he has known for twenty years in the Stasi are revealed to be opportunists and careerists.

At the height of its powers, the Stasi employed two percent of the GDR’s population as informers, creating an atmosphere of paranoia and self enforced obedience. As such, the opening scene is among the films most powerful allegories: the psychological torture of a political

WILD HOGS Dir: Walt Becker Starring: John Travolta, William H. Macy, Tim Allen Certificate: 15 Running Time: 100 mins

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> 43

n Easy Rider for the Twenty First Century.

A superior slab of Sideways-esque comedy. City Slickers with actual laughs?

Sadly, Wild Hogs is none of these things. A cynical stab at the teen market, Disney’s new effort is less Seven Samurai, more Biker Mice from Mars.

A B-list cast doesn’t help.

William H. Macy, Tim Allen and

prisoner during an interrogation by Wiesler, ceaselessly kept awake and forced to sit on his hands: impotent and under constant surveillance at the mercy of the state.

The Lives of Others deftly moves into a powerful thriller.

Relatively devoid of action, the film’s momentum comes from Wiesler’s need to act professionally and protect Dreyman and Sieland from the abuses of the state. As the film progresses, Wiesler’s actions become increasingly reckless, initial changes in behaviour such as not enquiring into the family of a boy that insults the Stasi in Weisler’s utilitarian block of flats are supplemented by deliberately mendacious reports enabling the truth of the ‘benevolent’ state to be revealed in the West, in the process endangering his own existence.

Despite his initial coldness, Wiesler is the most likeable character in the film, though humourless and driven to using prostitutes, he is man of personal integrity, juxtaposed against the smugness of the art set and the abuse of the apparatus of the state by its servants; from the bloated minister using party patronage to maintain an affair to junior Stasi officials using surveillance opportunities to catch up on sleep.

Emotional set-pieces interplay with the broader plot; among Wiesler’s early diversions is revealing to Dreyman Sieland’s affair, her guilt at needing to maintain such a selfdestructive relationship presumeven Martin Lawrence are perfectly capable bit-part actors.

Thrown together in this crude and oddly out-dated road movie, their increasingly sagging features carry all the weight of Droopy the Dog. Meanwhile, what a treat it isn’t to see John Travolta in a starring role again. After ten years of career self-assassination, surely he should be eternally supping tea on a distant lawn with Kevin Costner right now, instead of imposing his bulky waistline on yet another useless project.

Wild Hogs follows the hapless biker four-piece as they embark upon a road trip to rekindle the lost spirit of their youth. However, it isn’t long before the Hogs are caught up in a whole heap of trouble (oh yes), fending off Ray Liotta’s rival gang to protect an innocent town. Naturally, comedy fails to ensue.

Trading in cheap innuendos and cheaper clichés, Wild Hogs was bound to be a Stateside success and will no doubt spawn at least three nauseating sequels. Regardless of its shrug-inducing cameos and glossy sheen, avoid it if you value your cinema.

DAN SMITH

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ably reflecting the ambivalent personal feelings encountered by those either employed by the Stasi or denouncing friends once caught by the secret police.

Wiesler’s relationship with Sieland undergoes significant changes. The film has some superb blackly comic moments: some reflecting the banality of observation ‘unwrap presents and then presumably have intercourse’. Instantaneous shifts of tone add to the clamminess of the film.The film’s resolve is particularly poignant: characters lives are ripped apart, seemingly out of nowhere; inconceivably four years later, the GDR collapsed, the established order’s position in society demolished, with some able to resurrect a position of authority and integrity in the newly reunified Germany.

The strength of the acting is reinforced by an all round master class of cinematic production: tightly scripted and edited and with an impressively eclectic soundtrack invoking a multitude of emotions.

Gloomy in tone, cinematically embodying the precise movements of the Stasi and providing a counterpoint to other recent efforts, most notably Goodbye Lenin!, ‘The Lives of Others’ continues the successful run of form noticed in German cinema of the last decade.

ANDREW LATHAM

✰✰✰✰✰ CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER Dir: Yimou Zhang Starring: Chow Yun Fat, Li Gong, Jay Chou Certificate: 15 Running Time: 114 mins Curse of the Golden Flower, the latest offering from director Yimou Zhang (of Hero and House of Flying Daggers fame) represents another step on the now well-worn Martial Arts movie-trail.

Set in tenth-century China the film recounts the complex family drama taking place inside the lavish Imperial Palace, where brightly-coloured paper walls and bamboo blinds are scarcely enough to contain the mess of incest and betrayal within.

Comparable in the sheer scale of its intrigue to the most intricate Shakespearean tragedy, the film should hush critics who have lauded Zhang’s previous films for lacking narrative bite, though at times it can be difficult to keep track of who is sleeping with or plotting against whom (usually because they’re doing both at once).

Zhang’s favourite Gong Li has something of Kurosawa’s Lady Macbeth about her as the Empress Phoenix, with a subtle and dignified power that

Ghost Rider hadn't aged that well...

ALPHA DOG Dir: Nick Cassavetes Starring: Justin Timberlake, Emile Hirsch, Bruce Willis Certificate: 15 Running Time: 117 mins Alpha Dog tells the real life and frighteningly recent tale of a kidnapping carried out by drug loving rich kids in California that went severely wrong. It’s claim to verisimilitude and the fact he-who-cando-no-wrong Justin Timberlake appears seem to be the main points attributed to it by critics, but there’s much more to it than gritty camera work and the trousersnake himself.

The film cleverly glamorises this misspent youth whilst not shying away from the cowardice and selfishness that fuels it. Ben Foster is brilliant as the unhinged drug addict brother of the kidnapped Zac (He’s played by the same guy lends pathos to her struggle against the Emperor’s tyranny, and Chow Yun-Fat is quietly terrifying as Emperor Ping, veering between brutality and paternal tenderness as he presides over his family’s slow collapse.

Meticulously c h o r e o graphed, and with every shot so carefully constructed that it becomes almost theatrical, Curse of the Golden Flower maintains a measured pace throughout, so that even the chaos of its brutal final battle is precisely ordered.

The fight sequences themselves are relatively thin on the ground in comparison to some of Zhang’s earlier films, and are much more

who played ‘Angel’ in X-men 3, not as a friend suggested, the pirate from Dodgeball) The ensemble cast are all superb, and the script from writer/ director Nick Cassavetes (also of Blow fame) balances the expletive heavy banter with some terribly harrowing and heartbreaking moments.

That said, Timberlake often seems pandered to onscreen. During the first half his screentime is limited to swearing and getting high, to hear him say “I fuck bitches, you’re a homo,” seems a little too calculated.

When Timberlake is given some meatier scenes towards the end, he shows a depth which left this reviewer wiping a tear from her eye. His character may be the only one who seems to have a heart, but I think the filmmakers went as far as they could go into making a teen idol into a drug taking killer. Like I said though, it’s not really about JT. LANI PEACE

✰✰✰✰✰ embedded in the narrative than have been previous examples, designed more to flesh-out his characters than simply to impress.

For this reason they don’t have quite the same breathless power, though what they lack in aesthetic appeal they make up for in psychological clout. The film as a whole feels slightly over-populated – particularly the final set-piece and its hundreds of faceless CGI soldiers – and it’s certainly trying to do something slightly different to its predecessors, though given the popularity of the genre, probably not enough to make Curse of the Golden Flower stand out.

CHLOE RODDICK

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> film

> 44

HollywoodHear'Say

Documania

from Rich Williams INCR-ED -IBLE

Matt Houghton takes a look at the new wave of documentary films making a splash across the water.

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Film, as an expressive artform, should have a purpose, deliver a message, and maybe even be a subtle or not so subtle instruction.

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he documentary-film is a curious phenomenon. In theory it negates the fundamental tenets of film; it is real not dramatic, informative not extraordinary, and educational rather than self-consciously enjoyable.

Yet, scratch beneath the surface of the anti-cinematic veneer and the documentary reveals itself as far more than the mundane, impartial commentary on the life-cycle of a shark or the engineering feats of Isambard Kingdom Brunel. At its core, the documentary film, or at least our generation’s interpretation on it, is what cinema is all about. Film, as an expressive art-form, should have a purpose, deliver a message, and maybe even be a subtle or not so subtle instruction. Good films are memorable, pertinent and perhaps above entertaining; and it is the entertainment factor that has elevated the filmdocumentary from something dull and cinematically-lifeless to something not only enjoyable but, subsequently, socially-relevant.

Archive footage has for a long time played an important role in the deliverance of worldly commentary and provided an important bolster for the realism of the documentary. It was Michael Moore who most spectacularly catapulted the documentary-style into the mainstream with his 2002 film Bowling For Columbine, in which the tragic Columbine High School Massacre of 1999 is explored in depth and more importantly contextualised within the wider gun-violence setting of modern America. Equally, Fahrenheit 9/11, which tellingly picked up the Palme d’Or award at the prestigious Cannes Film Festival, attempted to bring a politically and socially significant contemporary event to the forefront of culture, and did so with rightful success.

However, whilst the necessary realism that a documentary demands - the archive footage, the live one-on-one interviews, the shocking gunshots and hauntingly vivid images of planes colliding with buildings - a documentary-film is a film nonetheless, and hence subject to the same directorial ebb and flow that any other film is.

Consequently, the documentary’s motivation lies at its epicentre. In the case of Michael Moore it is far from the simple, impartial

unearthing of the truth; his motivation is to reveal, to comment and to shock, and he does so unapologetically. Both Bowling For Columbine and Fahrenheit 9/11, in addition to the ‘critical acclaim’ and extensive media attention, were met with a barrage of complaints and contestations regarding the message, the content and the manner in which both were delivered and duly so.

Moore is undoubtedly deliberate in his controversiality, in the same way that Spielberg was in directing Schindler’s List and Kubrick was in creating A Clockwork Orange; despite the creation of a sense of realism, a documentary is but an opinion - open to judgement, disagreement and misunderstanding.

Once more however, the entertainment element appears to some degree at odds with the purpose of a documentary. If not to inform cold facts, but to offer an opinion, should not the notion of enjoyment come a distant second to said opinion in the race for priority? Certainly Al Gore’s first documentary offering An Inconvenient Truth - witty remarks and self-deprecating humour aside - appears to subscribe to such a philosophy.

His format, essentially a lecture punctuated with footage of the

earth’s various climatic imbalances, revolves tightly around his message: global warming and climate change could kill us all. A far cry from the inappropriately funny Supersize Me, which despite its bright-lights, burger-eating frenzy of a composition, is ultimately a comment on capitalism and the failure of the food industry, it is however no less poignant in its meaning.

The format of a documentary is as important to its intended implication as its content, and those that are successful are not those that entertain, but those that deliver their point - not necessarily convincingly, but lucidly. A good documentary does not act as the definitive piece on its subject matter, it acts merely as a stimulus for debate; it is to be approached with the care and awareness as a politicians speech or a lawyers closing statement. The documentary film is perhaps one of our generation’s most conspicuous contributions to cinema and if approached in a manner befitting of its innate imperfection may well prove to be one of our generations most important political, social and environmental saviours.

As the result of a somewhat quirky casting decision, Ed Norton is adding a distinctly radioactive string to his acting bow by taking on the role of the Incredible Hulk in Marvel’s follow up to the 2003 flop. However, there are rumours that the not so jolly giant will be grey, not green! Nonetheless, Norton seems a solid choice for the fighting, anger issues type…It worked in Fight Club.

INDIANA JONES AND THE CITY OF GODS? No, Indiana Jones is not taking on a bunch of guntotting Brazilian gangsters, although that would be a fun concept. In fact, this is the rumoured title for the fourth instalment of the Indy franchise. But where is this city?

Olympus?

Teotihuacán?

Coventry?

W h o knows?!

GERE CAN'T RESIST A PRETTY WOMAN...HO HO

An arrest warrant for Richard Gere has been issued following his 'highly erotic' kiss with Shilpa Shetty at an AIDS awareness rally in New Delhi. The kiss had sparked protests in Mumbai where effigies o f the Chicago star have b e e n burnt.

F a i r , 'Runaway Bride' was bloody awful.

{In Bowling for Columbine Moore demonstrates how easy it is to obtain a gun; this one is courtesy of a new bank account}

Cult Classic

Clare Taylor asks what if more people knew about the classic 'If...'

In the winter 1968 Mick Travis was unleashed on an unsuspecting public.

Lindsay Anderson would direct Malcolm McDowell, a then unknown, in different incarnations of the character in two further films.

However, it is the first of the trilogy which is the most memorable. A subversive look at the plight of man versus institution, ‘If…’ remains a true English classic.

Rebellion and romanticism abound at an English public boys’ school, headed by Travis whom McDowell plays with the same disarming likeability he was

to develop in ‘A Clockwork Orange’. Disillusioned with the system, Travis and his two trusty mates do their bit, picking away at the product of a tradition that is as repressive as it is English.

However, for every defiant act - a sneaky swig of booze, a joyride in the local town there’s a stuffy Latin master or self-important ‘whip’ on hand to ram the importance of the institution down their throats, on one particular occasion with eye-watering brutality. It’s difficult not to root for Travis and his band of crusaders as they battle to defy the authorities.

As the boys’ anger simmers beneath the surface, the film itself descends into a blurry mix of fantasy and reality. Reflecting the archaic institution and the vitality of youth are the seemingly

random switches between colour and black and white.

The tension builds whilst, rather than join in blindly with the stirring strains of ‘Jerusalem’, Travis writes his own score. When they stumble across a stash of ammunition in a dusty school basement the tone reaches a new level: revolution is well and truly in the air.

The blistering climax may not be to everyone’s taste but it’s certainly memorable and seals the film’s fate as a ‘cult classic’. Mick Travis is a teen icon. Perhaps he goes a step too far (or does he?), but his charmingly insolent character will no doubt enthral for generations to come. Ultimately, ‘If…’ is worryingly beguiling. After all, ‘Which side would you be on?’

ROCKY GETS HIGH It has recently come to light that during a press tour of Australia to promote Rocky Balboa, antediluvian actor Sylvester Stallone was caught with 48 vials of banned growth hormones.

He is co-operating with the Australian customs and his court hearing will go ahead later in May. May the Eye of the Tiger be with you Sly.

> books

Prize Predictions As the only award in Britain for female writers, the Orange Broadband Prize for fiction has always been considered contentious, and this year’s no exception. With only two of the six shortlisters being British, it is truly an international affair.

Critics of the prize claim it is outdated - female authors don’t need to be segregated from the mainstream to aid their success. Yet a recent Waterstones-Daily Mail poll revealed, rather alarmingly, that in the top 100 books of the past 25 years only 27 were female, according to bookchain staff. The Orange judges also rather controversially ousted from the shortlist Stef Penney’s The Tenderness of Wolves, which recently won the Costa Book award.

So what do the other finalists have to offer? With past winners such as Zadie Smith (for On Beauty) and Lional Shriver (for We Need to Talk about Kevin), they obviously have a lot to live up to…

Kiran Desai The Inheritance of Loss Kiran Desai, another favourite to win the Orange Prize, has already found success with The Inheritance of Loss by winning the Man Booker Prize last year. Her first Novel, Hullabaloo in the Guava Orchard, however, did not receive such critical acclaim. Born and raised in India, she has also been educated in England and America.

The novel is based around an old, retired judge, who just wants to live his golden years peacefully, in his isolated house at the foot of Mount Kanchenjunga in the Himalayas. However, the arrival of his orphaned granddaughter, who’s falling in love with her tutor, and the frequent appearances from his cook’s son, who longs to live in the US, make his dream seem very distant.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie Half of a Yellow Sun

Nigerian born Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie is no stranger to book awards. Her first novel, Purple Hibiscus, was shortlisted for the Orange Prize and longlisted for the Man Booker Prize. She is also a well-known underground DJ, making apparently euphoric dance music and playing drums for a punk rock band.

Her second novel, Half of a Yellow Sun is essentially a love story, but also comments on Africa, the end of colonialism, class and race. Set in 1960s Nigeria during the NigeriaBiafra war, Adichie bases the story around one professor’s lover and his houseboy. As the Nigerian Troops approach they run for their lives and their loyalties to their beliefs - and to each other - are put under severe strain.

Jane Harris The Observer

Anne Tyler Digging to America

Jane Harris is most famous for winning awards for several short films that she has written. She has also had her short stories published in anthologies and magazines. Born in Belfast and raised in Glasgow, Harris uses her home country as the setting for her new novel.

The Observer is set in 1863, and tells the story of Bessy Buckley, a maid for a big house just outside Edinburgh, who has fled her sordid past in Glasgow. The lady of the house, Arabella, seems to have an intriguing past too. Harbouring an obsessive affection for her former (deceased) maid, Nora, she asks Bessy to keep a diary of her most intimate thoughts. After a childish prank though, Bessy’s past catches up with her…

Tyler is already a well established author, having written several best-selling novels such as The Accidental Tourist and Saint Maybe. One of her books, Ladder of Years, was shortlisted for the first ever Orange Book Prize. She has also been described by critics as ‘the greatest novelist writing in English’.

Digging to America tells the story of two Korean babies who are delivered to two families in Baltimore. These families have about as much is common as the Korean and American cultures do, but somehow manage every year to celebrate ‘arrival day’ together, with overly elaborate parties. As the girls grow up they find out that despite their American upbringing, they are still considered just guests.

Rachel Cusk Arlington Park

As Granta’s 2003 best young novelist, Cusk is one of the favourites to win this prize.

Her previous works have all been nominated for numerous book awards, and her first novel, Saving Agnes, won the Whitbread First Novel Award. She is also a writer of non-fiction, with her first book of this type, A Life’s Work, being published in 2001.

Arlington Park is the author’s 6th Novel.

Labelled the ‘British Desperate Housewives’, it tells the story of 5 women who all live in a typical, sedate English suburb. But however comfortable and contented they seem from the outside, their real thoughts reveal something completely different. Set over the course of one rainy day, Cusk moves from household to household and dissects each character’s life.

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Award ceremonies for books seem to be everywhere, it's hard to know which ones to trust. Well, with the Orange Book Prize you'll at least know the best female authors out there...

> 45

Female writers don't need to be segregated from the mainstream to aid their success.

Xiaolu Guo A Chinese-English Dcitionary for Lovers

Born in a small fishing village in the south of China, Guo has written several books in her native language, but only one has been translated into English, Village of Stone. A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers started off as her own personal diary which she started writing when she moved to London in 2002. Guo is also well known for screenwriting and has directed two award winning films.

This novel is romantic comedy written on purpose in bad English about two lovers who have a definite language barrier. A Chinese girl called Z has been sent to London to study by her parents and lives with a Chinese family in Tottenham. Almost fed up with the distinct lack of culture change she’s experiencing, she meets a man and is shown a world of sex, freedom and selfdiscovery she has never known before. She also finds out that the word ‘love’ means very different things in English and Chinese.

On theVision bookshelf this issue...

On Chesil Beach Ian McEwan Jonathan Cape (£12.99)

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hink of a smooth, grey pebble on a beach, flecked with oily blues and purples which only emerge after the waves have lapped over the surface. This e n c ap s u l at e s the mood and writing of On Chesil Beach. It is a delightfully simple concept.

A couple on their wedding day, the novel begins on the first night of their honeymoon.

Locked into their hotel room, McEwan presents a voyeuristic insight into that most private of nights, allowing us to escape the sense of claustrophobia only through the wanderings of the minds of each character.

The novel is set on the real-life shingled British beach and takes place in the fifties, when attitudes towards sex were only just beginning to alter. The couple are barely twenty-two, both virgins, and sex is the central plot device in On Chesil Beach, acting as the catalyst for the exploration of the most intimate memories and deeply confused thoughts of both halves of the newly-weds.

McEwan has always possessed an ability to articulate the darker aspects of human thought and the ordinarily unsaid. His latest effort is a creation that all authors of modern literary fiction should read sick with envy. It is a book perfectly crafted, but never overly elaborate or forced. On Chesil Beach is at once plainly written and brimming with complexities that merit more than one reading. Nothing you wish to know is left unwritten, yet neither is anything over-explained.

The final few lines of the book are laced with such painful poignancy that it will linger, and haunt you with its frightening truth about the malignant power of the unsaid to alter the course of your life drastically and definitely.

KATE LOVELL

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The Stolen Child Keith Donohue Vintage (£7.99)

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onohue’s first novel charts the development of a single identity split between two personages.

Henry Day is stolen at age seven by a group of fairy changelings who replace him with one of their own.

In turn, Henry Day takes his place amongst the changelings and is given the name Aniday.

As the fake Henry Day grows up into a man, the true Henry Day remains eternally a child, confined to the forest as a child of nature. As time passes and the question of who

the real Henry Day is becomes both subjective and ambiguous, both personages become haunted by memories of the worlds they left behind and the people they once were.

The Stolen Child is a serious psychological investigation into the human condition and the problems of self. As Aniday comments “the children need new stories and fairytales to see them through their nightmares…to transfigure their sorrows and fears about not being able to remain a child forever’.

Donohue presents us with a fairytale for adults, a parable of innocence and experience about growing up and coming to terms with our own lack of innocence. Donohue masterfully relocates the magic of myth in the collective psyche of his readership, compelling us to delve within ourselves and recollect our own negotiations with the labyrinths of adolescence and adulthood. A must read for all.

STEVE WARD

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> listings

> 46

Listings

Manic Street Preachers Leeds Uni Refectory

Backstage never ceases to disappoint me. Interviewing Barenaked Ladies earlier this year at Leeds Uni, I was led into the bowels of the venue, greeted by a bouncer reading Nuts, an ironing board, some rather limp looking sandwiches and a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. Where, I wondered, was the monorail? The jacuzzi? The hordes of groupies? Not one sign. And this in a venue that was home to Live at Leeds. But things were different back in the day. The Who doubtless had to walk barefoot forty miles to the venue, set up their own gear, and then walk sixty back. On the subject of long distance travel, pointless climate-change love-in LiveEarth tickets have just been released, ThunderThunderThunder Thundercats! Mumm-Ra play Leeds on 4th May with a lineup including the Red £7/6 03/05 The Yards Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters THURSDAY 8pm £13.50 Fibbers and Madonna. Madge in par- Valve Soundsystem Grown up rock and roll with Leeds Uni Stylus 10pm ticular seems a bit of a bizarre inventive lyrics. Influences choice: given her perpetual jet- Presenting the finest in UK drum include the Velvet Underground, n bass, with DJ sets from from ting back-and-forth to Malawi. the Stooges, and Buffalo Leaving aside 'full of hot air' Pendulum, AndyC, Noisia and Springfield. soundsystem creators Dillinja jokes, is there a continuing SUNDAY 06/05 smattering of hypocricy in the and Lemon D. Acoustic Extravaganza £4 John Taylor music industry? Never. £3.50

CityScreen Basement

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week TUESDAY

01/05

Soup Presents CityScreen Basement

£3 8pm

Bands to be confirmed for tonight's gig downstairs at City Screen, though Soup are reducing their carbon footprint. Is Madonna? That is the question.

Raised by Wolves Leeds Hi-Fi Club

£3.50NUS 10.30pm

First Tuesday of the month affair at Leeds' award winning venue. Promising a mix of indie, 'proper disco', grime, electro-house, and Air. Makes a change from Toffs.

Portfolio: Bryan Adams Nunnington Hall

£6/free 1pm

Apparently, Bryan 'Everything I Do, I Do It for You' Adams is a bit of a Renaissance Man. He takes photographs of anyone and everything, including Pamela Anderson, The Queen, and Keith Richards. Combine this debut UK exhibition with a day in this North Yorkshire country pile until mid June.

WEDNESDAY MC Devvo Fibbers

02/05 £10/8adv 8pm

Biting pastiche of chav culture?

Or simply more burberry than a Dagenham market stall? Drive your Nova down to Fibbers and find out. From the creators of Saladfingers, the cult phenomenon MC Devvo and Shady Piez promise "HARDCORE NATION BREAKZ AND BOMBZ HIXXY PINUP AND SCOOTER. WKD" influenced music. Whether that is WKD as in disgusting alcopop or 'good', we shall see.

de ereprijs Jack Lyons Concert Hall

FOC 8pm

Dutch mixed ensemble of wind, brass and electric instruments perform at the campus venue, showcasing new and old material. The name means 'Price of Honour' apparently.

8pm

Variety of soul-uplifting folk and roots acts, including Shady Bard, Edwina Hayes, Shonet, Aimie J Ryan and Chris Johnson. Perfect chillout for a Spring evening.

One Night Only Fibbers

FRIDAY

8pm

Acclaimed jazz pianist and York Uni lecturer John Taylor gigs at the National Centre for Early Music.

White Rose Teddy Bear Festival, York Hilton

£2 10am

£4/3 'A must for any teddybear 8pm lover'! Including 'antique, pre-

Local upstarts One Night Only play Fibbers on their way to bigger and better things.

Apparently they've been labelled 'the new Kooks', one hopes they are a damn sight better than the old ones.

Roses D Derwent

NCEM

04/05

£4.50 Until 1.30am

What better way to compete on Saturday than with a storming hangover?

Perfect Houseplants with Pamela Thorby, NCEM,

loved, artist and collector bear plus cute and cuddlies and much more bear related giftware'!

Before you go, check out www.hanttula.com/ exhibits/plushtoys/

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£26.25 7.30pm

A band that requires little introduction, though fans of This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours and James Dean Bradfield's solo works should be warned that their most recent album promises a return to Richie-era rocking.

Jason Donovan £22.50 York Grand Opera House 7.45pm

Fresh from Skegness, the man most famous for being Kylie's love interest and third place runner up on I'm A Celebrity sings Any Dream Will Do for an hour and a half. According to Wikipedia he suffers from the skin condition psoriasis.

THURSDAY

Ray Wilson Band, Fibbers

10/05

£9/8 8pm

Phil Collins replacement in Genesis makes a comeback tour akin to Jason Donovan's.

FRIDAY

Rick Witter and the Dukes Leeds Cockpit

11/05

£9 8pm

Local indie-rock band makinggood Rick Witter and the Dukes continue to tour in the York region, including tonight's show at the Cockpit. Witter's previous band Shed 7 were quite big.

Also Melton Too's asparagus festival starts today. Get in.

SATURDAY

Groove Armada Manchester Apollo

12/05

£19.50 7.30pm

If you’re fond of sand dunes and salty air/Quaint little villages here and there/You’re sure to fall in love with old Groove Armada, out on the road in support of new album Soundboy Rock.

SUNDAY

Mika Leeds Uni Refectory

13/05

£13.75 7.30pm

Mr Mika is having quite a good year. In addition to Grace Kelly loitering at the top of the charts and Love Today doing well, debut album Life in Cartoon Motion has sold over a million copies worldwide. Returning to Leeds after a sellout show at the Cockpit in January, and set for a further stratospheric rise.

later

16-18 MAY

York May Festival The Knavesmere

There are easy ways to pay for university, and less easy ways.

Spread betting may offer better results, but the risks are very high. Your best bet is place systems or each way on the Tote. Or stealing a car from outside.

15-17 JUNE

Leeds Wireless Festival £35-105 Harewood House

Possibly the last chance to see robot rockers Daft Punk live, with a homecoming for the Kaiser Chiefs on 16th May. The White Stripes, QOTSA and Air play on the Friday. On the other hand, this is doubtless the biggest cash-in of the summer's festivals, so leave your ethical high horse in York.

All events, times and prices are correct at the time of publishing. Vision cannot be held responsible for any poor nights out as a result of the suggestions in this column.

week MONDAY

York Mini Mela Parliament Street

07/05

FOC 10am

£3.50 Bank Holiday Monday extravaganza of Indian food and cul8pm

ture in the run up to Sheffield's This event is worth attending Bollywood film festival this for the name alone. Actually, it summer. is worth attending for the name Help She Can't Swim £6/5 alone, as it promises a 'radical York Fibbers 8pm jazz look' at East Anglian record- Guitar stomp punk juxtaposed er music. Perfect Houseplants with electronica edges. With have previously worked with the support from The Pistolas and likes of Radiohead however, so Chow Chow. there may be some good in the TUESDAY 08/05 event afterall.

Mumm-Ra Leeds Cockpit

£7adv 65daysofstatic 8pm Leeds Cockpit

Bexhill-on-Sea's indie darlings tour to Leeds.

SATURDAY

05/05

Roses Ball Next Gen York

£20 7pm

£TBC 8pm

Math-rock arty types 65daysofstatic play Leeds, in support of third album The Destruction of Small Ideas. Critically aclaimed as a live act, with support in the shape of big-beat disco fivepiece Rolo Tomassi. They play Manchester on 10th May too.

There are three very goood reasons not to go to this event.

Firstly, the headline act is set to 09/05 be the Automatic. Secondly, it will WEDNESDAY be full of sweaty Lancastrians. Willy Mason £9.50 Remember, it's about winning, Sheffield Leadmill 8pm not making friends. Thirdly, Incase you missed his intimate it is really quite expensive. performance in the CityScreen The Noisettes £12 Basement earlier this year, a Doncaster Priory 8pm Rejoice! For the first time in trip to Sheffield offers a larger history there is actually a venue for the increasingly ongood reason to go to Sunny radar young American singerDonny. The album 'What's songwriter. New album If the The Time Mr Wolf' is out now. Ocean Gets Rough is out now.

Roses In Hospital, and 'I put him in hospital': The Manics and MC Devvo.

YORK VISION

SPORT

47

Inner determination

Tuesday May 1, 2007

> Vision's Laurie Allsopp talks to England legend Peter Beardsley on his career, Kevin Keegan, and the future of English football.

One man who thought otherwise was Peter Beardsley, and he’s in a pretty good position to comment given that he reached the last eight and last four in his two world cups.

“At the moment there are a lot of average players in the side. They aren’t a patch on the team we had in the late ‘80s.”

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At the moment there are a lot of average players in the [England] side

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e m y, we can only teach him so much. It’s what’s inside him that counts. If he hasn’t got that raw talent, there’s only so much we can do for him.”

Peter is the living proof of this. Rejected five times, it took a

Barnes: "The best I've ever played with."

while to convince coaches of his natural talent.

“Becoming a footballer was my dream, and I believed in my own ability,” he says, before quipping “And my Dad needed the money!”

But however proud he is of Newcastle’s youngsters, Peter worries about the production line of English footballers.

“A lot of England’s problems seem to be from young players not learning the right attitude when they’re young,” he says, then grins and adds, “Look at Aaron Lennon: He’s supposed to be English to the bone, and he comes out wearing gloves!”

Narrow defeat for cricketers in BUSA final FROM BACK PAGE A strong bowling performance from York saw them restrict Manchester Met. to 96 runs in their BUSA indoor semi-final group match.

The reply began solidly with both openers, Tom Hudson and Nick Vanner, reaching 25 and having to retire with the team well ahead of the run rate.

However, tight bowling and some

injudicious strokes left the York side an agonising 2 runs short.

The second match against Leeds Met began in a different fashion with none of the bowlers able to exert the control that they had shown in the first match.

Tom Hudson’s absence due to illness was keenly felt as Leeds Met surged to 133 from their 12 overs.

York’s openers fell cheaply, but some aggressive lower order batting brought them close.

Captain Jamie Vanner scored a defiant 54, and Guy Baxendale slogged his way to 34. However, the side fell just short of the total required, finishing on 124.

Despite falling in the group stages of the final there are several positives that can be taken from the tournament.

Finishing in the top six indoor sides in the country considering the relatively small student base was a remarkable achievement.

Look at Aaron Lennon... he comes out wearing gloves!

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You’d be confident in taking the current side on then Peter?

“Well, if we played now they’d win, because we’re all old and fat!

But seriously, the ’86 and ’90 teams would win easy. They were very good sides.”

Beardsley would certainly walk into England’s attack today. From his title-winning days with Liverpool in the ‘80s to his Indian summer with Kevin Keegan’s ‘Entertainers’ at Newcastle in the mid-90’s, he was at the top of the English game.

And playing with top players: Keegan, Gazza, Shearer, Lineker and Rush to name but a few.

“The best I’ve ever played with is John Barnes,” he said. “He was simply a class above anyone else.

The year I signed for Liverpool we went 29 games unbeaten from the start of the season.

“At Newcastle, the best I played with were Ginola and Asprilla. For all Shearer was a great goal-scorer, those two could do far much more to change a game.”

Keegan’s side had players who could change a game all over the pitch. To Ginola and Asprilla you could of course add Beardsley him-

self.

The tale of 1996 doesn’t need telling again (us Toon fans get tired of hearing about 4-3's) but Peter remains philosophical on losing that famous twelve-point lead.

“I think that the best team wins the league every year. Manchester United were better than us over the season, it’s as simple as that.

We could have gone out and played games to win 1-0, like Chelsea do now, but that just wasn’t the way Keegan played.”

Keegan attracted criticism from some quarters for refusing to sit back on a lead, but Beardsley is quick to defend his old boss.

“Everyone said that we couldn’t defend, but only Manchester United had a better defensive record that year. I’m sure if you could put Darren Peacock in today’s Newcastle team you’d do it like a shot.”

Peter still has a pretty good reckoning of goings on at St. James - he’s in charge of Newcastle’s juniors - and is proud of his charges’ achievements at the moment.

"This year we’ve managed to get seven academy players in the first team this year, which is fantastic,” he enthuses. It’s a record that stands out in the Premiership, where youth team players can be few and far between.

“At clubs like Newcastle you’ve got to be patient. There are players who could make the first team if we played at a lower level, but they’re not ready for the Premiership.

“When a young lad comes to us at the acad-

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It was being banded about before the World Cup last year that England had its best team since 1966.

Joking aside, he has a serious point. The attitude of many young footballers has been called into question recently – is today just a softer age?

“These days, kids that get released by Newcastle seem to fall by the wayside a lot”, he muses. “I don’t know why, whether it’s society or what, but a lot of the time I just don’t think that inner determination to make it as a footballer.”

Beardsley was speaking at Ashington Football Club, a town that has had no trouble in churning out talented sportsmen. “Inner determination” has never been a problem here, especially since these days footballing kids from the town have the best possible role-model waiting for them just up the road.

Lancaster in Roses drink ban FROM BACK PAGE

Sports teams from Lancaster are facing a dry Roses after their AU banned drinking before games.

The move can be linked to events last year, when Lancaster's win was overshadowed by the appalling drunken behaviour of the university's rugby club.

But Greenshields claimed that last year’s events aren’t behind the ban.

“I can’t comment on what happened last year because I wasn’t

there,” he said.”The ban is more of a joint commitment from the clubs towards winning Roses, and in reality was nothing to do with the Rugby.”

Yet York Rugby Union President Danny Stacey was sceptical about Greenshields’ claims.

“I don’t know what’s in the commitment,” he said, “but last year’s events showed Lancaster’s players aren’t professional.”

York's AU have been hit financially by Lancaster's decision, as only 27 Roses Ball tickets have been sold to visiting students.

Tuesday May 1, 2007

EXCLUSIVE: PETER BEARDSLEY

P47

Issue 179

ROSES

CRICKET IN LORDS FINAL

EXCLUSIVE 8 PAGE PREVIEW

BY NICK HUDSON

ALL THE LATEST NEWS THE TOP PLAYERS EVERY SINGLE FIXTURE

York Men's Cricket Club lost narrowly in the BUSA indoor finals, played at Lords over Easter.

LANCASTER BAN BOOZE They force captains to sign behaviour contracts after last year's drunken antics

BY LAURIE ALLSOPP

Lancaster AU President Dave Greenshields has put a ban on his students drinking at Roses.

As part of a contract sent to all of Lancaster’s clubs by their AU, no-one representing the Red Rose will be allowed to drink the day before a game.

Greenshields explained his decision to Vision: “Roses away from home is often looked at as being a lost cause, and our preparations

this year have been about increasing the professionalism of Lancaster’s clubs.”

He added: “I think Roses is unique as a sporting competition in that it puts on socials that encourage people to binge drink.”

However, York’s Tom Moore disagreed with the decision.

“I’d never come down that hard on teams,” he said. “It’s not my place to do so."

FULL STORY PAGE 47

Placed in the Northern group with Manchester Met and Leeds Met, expectations were high of reaching the last two.

These expectations were kept up in the first match against Manchester by a superb bowling performance led

by Tom Hudson who took 3 wickets in his 3 over spell.

Manchester Met finished on 96 after their 12 overs, a good 30 runs short of a par score.

Continued page 47

2006: RED ROSE STREAKER

SHAME