Issue 187 by York Vision

YORKVISION GUARDIAN STUDENT NEWSPAPER OF THE YEAR

TURNAROUND: Scott

Cap'n Scott's shocking change of heARRt as YUSU race gets serious PAGES 6-7

EXPOSED: CAMPUS DRUG USE P.4

lightspeed champion

the brains behind blackadder

JUDGE BLASTS EXAM CHEATS FRAUD PAIR SENTENCED

...as he hands down NINE MONTH suspended sentence

BY EMILY FAIRBAIRN

YORK UNIVERSITY'S most prolific cheats were spared from prison last Friday, but received the maximum level of 300 hours community service. A two-year probation was also given, with a suspended sentence of nine months. Elnar Askerov, a former

Photo by Thomas Sheldrick

Photo by Terry Li

THE CRIBS

www.yorkvision.co.uk

CENTRE

ISSUE 187

SCENE

TUESDAY MARCH 4, 2008

Economics and Finance student, paid millionaire financial whiz Jerome Drean ÂŁ20,000 to sit his exams. The pair were found guilty of fraud, with Askerov having been ejected from the university and Drean's promising financial career in tatters.

FULL STORY PAGE 5

2NEWS

YORK VISION

your week NEWS AT A GLANCE

Halifax pair bailed after vicious assault

Stripping scandal leaves James Chair in disgrace

Vision uncovers campus drug epidemic

Millionaire banker and scheming student sentenced for fraud

P6&7

TWO HALIFAX STUDENTS ARRESTED ON SUSPICION OF ASSAULT

POLICE NAB FANCY DRESS FIGHTERS BY JASMINE PHILLIPS

In-depth analysis as YUSU election fever hits campus

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Only half the people in Fusion are hot anyway

Tuesday March 4, 2008

Goodricke Chair Joe Clarke at Senate

GOOD WEEK bad week

TWO YORK STUDENTS have been arrested in connection with the assault of a 45 yearold man in York city centre. One of the pair also faced a further charge for an assault on one of the police officers who were called to the scene. The incident occurred last Tuesday night at the Vodka Revolution bar on Coney Street, where the pair were allegedly

out for a friend’s themed 20th birthday celebration. A police statement reveals that officers ‘were called to the bar at around 10.45pm following reports that a man had been assaulted’. The severity of the attack left the 45-year-old with facial injuries, thought to include a broken nose. Two male students of Halifax college aged 18 and 20 were arrested following the altercation. It was also disclosed that, ‘A police officer was assaulted by

one of the men’, said to be the 20-year-old. He was finally subdued with PAVA spray, a more potent version of the commonly used CS spray, and arrested again on this separate charge. They were detained overnight in police cells, and their costumes confiscated as evidence. Both men have since been released on bail while enquiries continue.

PAYNE PULLS PUNCHES

GOOD WEEK

FTR users

Lower bus prices announced for trial period.

BAD WEEK

chet khatu

James Chair in trouble over stripper.

the number cruncher 1000

Pounds still owed to Tentelini from Big D.

300

Hours of community service handed to exam cheats.

Illegal immigrants arrested at Jumbo's.

Number of class A drug users interviewed by Vision.

OVER WIFE BEATER SOCIAL BY ALEX RICHMAN

YORK’S HOCKEY club are continuing to hold their annual Wife-Beater Social in the face of criticism from women’s advocacy groups on campus. Last year’s iteration saw both male and female members of the society eating curry and donning stained white vests and pinafores, with former YUSU top bods Amy Foxton and Grace FletcherHackwood leading the condemnations of the social’s glorification of domestic violence. In an interview last week, current Women’s Officer and YUSU President candidate Laura Payne

explained that she will approach the team herself, refusing to publicly “go for the jugular” over the matter. However, the sports team’s statements are sure to inflame tensions surrounding the divisive event, which took place this term. Female Hockey club President Sam Simms claims that controversy has arisen purely due to the event being “taken out of context”, going on to say that it is “a shame that people [can’t] accept the idea…the way it was intended.” Simms’ male counterpart, John Huntingdon, echoed these

sentiments. "The wife-beater and housewife social is something that the Hockey club has done every year for as long as anyone can remember, and is one of our oldest traditions". “The controversy surrounding last year’s social insisted on taking the term ‘wife-beater’ out of context and associating it with domestic violence.” Huntingdon also hit out at the club’s detractors, exclaiming that “given the liberal environment in which we are supposed to be studying, I find the level of political correctness demanded by certain individuals rather pathetic.” The issue brings another

test of Payne’s character, with the second year having only just emerged victorious from a bitter debate over the opening of her Women’s Committee to male members. Speaking again on Saturday night, the YUSU officer explained that while the Hockey club does have a right to choose its own social themes, “this event doesn’t seem very thoughtful to members of the club who may be uncomfortable with it.” However, Payne stopped short of condemning the organisers on a matter of principle, a fact which may lead to unease in some sectors.

NEWS

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

JAMES CHAIR REPRIMANDED FOR TURNING JCR INTO GENTLEMAN'S CLUB

A STEP KHATU FAR? BY ANNA-CLAIRE BEVAN JAMES CHAIR Chet Khatu landed in hot water with the university's top brass after allowing a stripper to perform in his College’s JCR. The first-year Chair hired the risqué entertainment for a friend’s surprise 20th birthday party held in James Common Room. The surprise striptease event boasted 25 guests, none of which had booked the JCR beforehand, meaning that anyone could have walked in and been offended by the material on show. The incident was dealt with by the James College Provost, before reaching the attention of the ProVice Chancellor for students, Dr Jane Grenville. Grenville was con-

tacted directly by James College students, who felt that Khatu had abused his position. It is thought that the first-year was summoned to three separate disciplinary hearings, all of which he failed to show up for. One JCRC figurehead, who has asked to remain anonymous, said that “Chet was up to his neck in it”. Grenville sent an email to all College Chairs, which was leaked to Vision, reminding them that a Common Room “should be a space that is available for all to use without feeling intimidated or embarrassed.” She later added: “The hiring of strippers, male or female, is an inappropriate use of public space and will be treated as a disciplinary matter.”

YUSU President Anne-Marie Canning has condemned Khatu’s actions as “totally unacceptable”, saying that they “show a clear error of judgement on the part of all involved.” Canning stated: “The issue here is not so much the stripper but the fact that it took place in a communal space which every student in the college has the right to feel comfortable in.” Rumours were swirling around campus that Khatu would face the possible removal of his James College membership, meaning that he would be dismissed from his role as Chair. However, YUSU have dismissed these claims, stating that no further action is anticipated. Khatu refused to comment on

the matter but has since sent an email of apology to the relevant University officials. No other JCR committee members are believed to have been involved.

shh!

i c h W h s o p hy P h i l obedded tutor her? a fres

BY EMILY HODGES

EFE OFF

BY EMILY FAIRBAIRN

CLUB D-EBT BY EMILY FAIRBAIRN

YORK TAKEWAYS TOLD TO EFE OFF TAKEAWAYS TOLD TO POPULAR STUDENT takeaway Efes has been barred from delivering anywhere on universityowned land. Students have been warned by YUSU, Campus Services and the Security Department that any Efes deliverers “will be treated as trespassers and will be ejected by the Security Department”. Instead, students have been asked to use other takeaways that are allowed onto campus. Efes has a history of problems with the University and have continued to illegally distribute leaflets, despite being sent a letter in October instructing them not to advertise on campus.

Workers from the takeaway have been known to enter accommodation blocks without permission and remove the menus from other establishments. However, Mr Efes has denied removing the leaflets of his competitors and admitted being "very upset" by YUSU's actions. Rival takeaway Viking Kitchen has also been banned from campus on similar grounds. and Societies YUSU’s Communications Officer, Sam Bayley, said that the University was "fed up with regulations being flouted". Bayley added that "the majority of takeaway companies don’t break the rules", which is why YUSU continues to carry advertise-

ments on their website. College JCRC Chairs have been urged by YUSU to keep an eye out for leaflets from the blacklisted companies. Another popular student restaurant caught behaving badly last week was Jumbo’s Chinese Buffet, which was stormed and shut down by police and immigration officers They arrested 7 of the restaurant’s employees, who were suspected to be illegal immigrants. A first year York student present at the raid, Thomas Reinhold, said that he and his girlfriend were ‘most bemused’ and that he was ‘not sure what to do about paying for the meal as the staff were all being detained’.

BIG D ORGANISORS still owe £1000 to charity, despite the event taking place 8 months ago. Volunteers from Tenteleni, a development project that takes volunteers out to placements in sub-Saharan Africa, are yet to receive their share of the proceeds promised to them from last July’s Big D. "It’s been an unreasonably long wait to be paid for assistance we provided so long ago," said David Toze, University co-ordinator for Tenteleni. The failure of Derwent College to deliver the money has forced many of the volunteers to cover part of their costs from their own finances. Tenteleni have since been in discussion with the new Derwent Chair, Oliver Lester, who has promised the charity that they will receive their money. Lester said that he is working hard, "rectiying the misunderstandings of the previous Big D committee", and has confirmed that Tentalini will be paid in two installments of £500. Former Derwent Vice Chair Liam Baker, the person responsible for the organization of Big D, was unavailable for comment. However, Baker has continually insisted that "the finances of the event were not mismanaged". A source close to Tenteleni pointed out the irony of former Derwent Chair, Jamie Tyler, running for Development and Charities officer in the YUSU elections in the light of Derwent’s poor record with charities.

DUFFY VISITS YORK

BY HARRY PEARSE FAMOUS SCOTTISH poet Carol-Ann Duffy is to speak at the University as part of the Writers at York series. Dr Matt Bevis of the English Literature Department organised the event, and has described Duffy as a ‘prestigious and popular writer’. Dr Bevis called the poet’s appearance a ‘coup’ for the Writers at York series and a sure sign that the event is ‘going from strength to strength.’ The talk is to be held this Thursday at 7.00p.m in the Sir Jack Lyons Concert Hall on campus. As a winner of the Whitbread poetry award and a fellow of the Royal Society of Literature, Duffy’s prestige within the literature world is undisputed. She remains one of Britain’s foremost poets and was awarded a CBE in 2001. Duffy is renowned for her outspokeness and candid handling of sensitive subjects within her poems, which deal with controversial subjects such as murder, sexuality and criminality. Her visit to the University cements York’s status as an attractor of eminent literary personalities.

4NEWS

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

student press

VISION EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION INTO CAMPUS CONSUMPTION

We read them... ...so you don't have to Odd Shaped Balls

An Oxford rugby player has been arrested for running naked down the city’s main shopping street, reports Cherwell. The student was one of several team members taking part in a ‘handover’ ritual of streaking. He was fined £80 and spent the night in police custody. The rugby player is reported to have said, "I have to say I was put in a very difficult position being handcuffed whilst completely naked. There’s not really a lot you can do - feel sorry for the person who managed to get my underwear on!". The rugby team are in agreement that this "will definitely be a story to scare next year’s freshers with".

Clowning around Researchers at Sheffied University have shown that images of clowns scare rather than comfort young patients in children's hospitals. The Sheffield Steel reports how the child entertainers actually have a negative effect on the young patients, making them passive and inactive. Students at the University are said to be " outraged" at the amount of time and money spent conducting the study on clowns. A third year Politics student, said: “I would like to put a cream pie in the face of the woman who conducted this study”.

Swamps 4U Students in Manchester have become victims of a rogue landlord who has left their flats flooded with two feet of sewage. StudentDirect writes that the landlord continued to charge the students rent even when their house resembled more of "a swamp" than a home. The disgusted tenants have dubbed their landlord "the worst in Manchester". One resident complained, "We have no working smoke alarms. We live on the top floor and our landlord told us to climb through the skylight and sit on the roof if there was a fire." Let this serve as cautionary tale for anyone signing contracts on houses!

Tower of porn?

Cambridge students have been disappointed to discover that the long held belief that their mysterious library tower contains a stash of illicit pornographic literature is a myth. Fascinated students have attempted to break into the library tower since its construction in 1934, but no student had ever been successful in uncovering its secrets. Varsity regretfully reports that librarians who have undertaken the re-cataloguing of the contents of the so called "tower of porn" claim that there is "nothing racy" to be discovered.

EMILY FAIRBAIRN

BY ANNA-CLAIRE BEVAN AND JASMINE PHILLIPS A VISION INVESTIGATION has revealed an alarmingly high presence of student drug use on campus. Despite the fact that the University has failed to expel anyone for drug-related offences in the last 10 years, many students have admitted to taking class A drugs on University premises. This discovery comes at a time when the Government has unveiled its ten-year drug strategy, which “aims to restrict the supply of illegal drugs and reduce the demand for them.” Vision interviewed five active users of class A drugs on campus to gain an insight into the extent of the problem at York. Each interviewee admitted to knowing a further 15-20 users at university, demonstrating that the problem is far more widespread than administrators appear to believe. One first year student, who wishes to remain anonymous, admitted to both keeping and taking cocaine, ecstasy, ketamine and cannabis in her halls, all of which are illegal substances in the UK. She insinuated that the casual attitude of portering staff and low levels of surveillance had given her the freedom to continue her drug habit: “When I first came here I was a bit paranoid [about getting caught] but now I know it’s so easy I’m not really worried.” The girl admitted that at least 35% of her block experiment with drugs, which is considerably higher than the Home Office’s findings, which state that only 25% of 16-29year-olds regularly take banned substances. “I keep my drugs stashed away and have never had to re-hide them from cleaners”, confessed the student. Another first year undergraduate admitted that a popular hiding place for drugs on campus is inside college smoke detectors – taping small bags of cocaine inside the plastic cover. A University spokesperson issued a statement revealing that the “Security Services have dealt with just one drugs incident on campus in the last three years”, showing how such examples of explicit drug use are going largely unnoticed by the University. PC Andy Haigh, of the North Yorkshire Police Force, said that “Security certainly aren’t ignoring the issue. We were informed of a student allegedly dealing drugs last

YORK'S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET week.” However, he later added that before this incident “drugs hadn’t been mentioned in a long while.” Three third year students said that their drug use got progressively worse when they came to university. One said: “I’d tried weed and mushrooms before and then moved on to ketamine, cocaine and ecstasy when I got to uni.” The undergraduate proceeded to explain the extent of his habit: “I do ecstasy monthly, cocaine and ketamine weekly, and cannabis on a daily basis”. The trio admitted doing lines

of cocaine in Goodricke College accommodation in their first year and even recalled an incident where their block tutor had tried to sell them cocaine. The three undergraduates remarked that “There’s quite a lot of people doing pills on campus – you can just tell by the way they look.” Since 1994 the price of an ecstasy pill has dropped from £16.50 - £2.50, which has increased its accessibility for students. They noted “a definite presence of ecstasy users at the Idioteque events” and “Toffs' Indie Room is quite bad for it at times. But there’s

no point at campus events: nobody wants to take pills and listen to the Baywatch theme tune.” YUSU President Anne-Marie Canning said: “It would be naive to think that drug usage does not occur in the student population, but I’ve not heard of anything out of the ordinary.” YUSU have urged anyone affected by drugs to contact either the Counselling Service, Nightline or their college welfare reps and has issued a reminder that students can retain their anonymity.

YORK VISION

NEWS

Tuesday March 4, 2008

YORK UNI IDENTITY FRAUDSTERS SENTENCED > CHEATING ASKEROV ESCAPES A PRISON SENTENCE > PUNISHMENT: MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF COMMUNITY SERVICE

PICTURE

FROM FRONT PAGE

EXCLUSIV E

BY EMILY FAIRBAIRN YORK’S EXAM CHEATS have escaped prison and are instead to be punished with a maximum 300 hours of community service. York student Elnar Askerov and his accomplice Jerome Drean have also been issued with suspended jail terms of 9 months, which Judge Stephen Ashurst warned "could come back to haunt you". Judge Ashurst told the two men, who pleaded guilty to conspiracy to defraud the university, that this was a "demeaning task" which was a "proper way of marking the dishonesty of your behaviour". If the two fail to complete their community service or commit a further offence over the next two years they will go to prison. York Crown Court heard how the fraudsters had used a fake university ID card, bearing Askerov’s name but Drean’s photograph, to allow Drean to take Askerov’s exams for him over a 17 month period dating back to January 2006. The scam was finally uncovered in May 2007, when an eagle-eyed invigilator realised that Drean was an impostor. Former Economics and Finance student Askerov, 22, was said to be under great pressure from his family in Azerbaijan to succeed at university, but was described as "not particularly bright academically" by Drean’s defence Robert Smith QC. Askerov paid Drean, 34, who bears him no physical resemblance, a total of £20,000 to impersonate him in exams, money which the court has now confiscated.

Drean, a highly successful City banker who reportedly made £4 million over three years and was "respected widely" in the financial services industry, broke down in tears as Smith told the court that his client suffers from Aspergers syndrome. "He displays a genius but also displays a lack of insight in ordinary social norms", Smith told the Court. Medical evidence suggests that Drean’s condition made him see doing the exams as a challenge that he could not refuse. However, Judge Ashurst was keen to point out that this condition did not mean that the city banker was unaware that his conduct was wrong, and that there was in fact a "risk taking, thrill seeking element" to his actions. Whilst passing sentence Ashurst called the conduct of the two cheats "deeply offensive to the thousands of diligent students that do work hard". As their actions risk damaging the value of degrees and the reputation of the University of York, Ashurst said that he must pass a harsh sentence because it was in the "public interest" to show that degrees could "not just be bought and sold". The defendants’ "public acknowledgement of guilt" however was taken into account as an important mitigating factor in the decision not to enforce jail terms. A statement from the University has described the exam fraud as "a sophisticated deception by a determined and unscrupulous in-

dividual" that is "betrayal of the overwhelming majority of our students, both UK and international, who work hard to achieve a degree by legitimate means." Now unemployable in the banking market, Drean’s personal and professional life has been destroyed by the fraud charges. As-

WAGS BUT NO RICHES

> VIKING RAID BLAMED FOR PLANET-V FLOP BY DANIEL HEWITT COLLEGE BARS are being failed by YUSU according to Vanbrugh Chair Matt Oliver after he accused the Union of lacking commitment to College events. The Vanbrugh Chair spoke of “inherent problems across

the board” which need to be addressed before any talk of a student-run venue in Langwith. His comments come after the Planet-V event ‘Wags and Footballers’ sold only 280 tickets, which saw the college make a £300 loss, compared with their previous sell-out event, Porno-V.

Oliver has blamed the poor attendance on YUSU’s decision to hold Viking Raid a day before the event and refused to accept that his Entertainment Committee were to blame. “The general perception is that we made a blunder by picking to have our event a day after Viking

kerov, who has been expelled from the University and disqualified from sitting his degree again, will return to home to Azerbaijan with no qualifications and with few career prospects. YUSU President Anne-Marie Canning said: "while the sentence handed out today wasn’t as strict as some expected, we still believe this

sends a firm message out to potential cheats that this behaviour can’t be supported by our community". The Union also wishes to reiterate that "students having problems with their degree should speak to their academic supervisor or YUSU academic and welfare services instead of resorting to such measures".

Raid”, he said, “But we selected the date of ‘Wags and Footballers’ before the decision was made to host Viking Raid. When things like this happen people lose faith in their committees”. Oliver argues that events such as Viking Raid need to be organised at the same time as big College events such as Planet-V and ClubD. Yet so far as Vanbrugh Chair he has seen “no evidence that YUSU are committed to supporting his Colleges’ events”. Derwent Chair, Oliver Lester, has however denied claims that YUSU are unsupportive of the University’s Colleges, and instead claimed that the Union have been “nothing but supportive” since his time as Chair. He did however admit that if an event such as Viking Raid had been held prior to a Club-D event, his College would struggle. He admitted, “I don’t think a Derwent event could even do well after Viking Raid and it no doubt damages the event”. Lester claimed that it was just “unlucky” timing and that Vanbrugh should just “deal with it” and move on. Societies and Communications Officer, Sam Bayley, sympathised with Vanbrugh College but admit-

ted that “events have to compete and that’s just how it is”. “Colleges were made aware of Viking Raid,” he said, “It had to be on a Thursday because with Toffs being closed they can give us full capacity”. Bayley still believes that the student venue in Langwith would have a positive impact on College bars and would not threaten their survival. “It is important to be wary of the risks, but fears of big bars closing is something we don’t need to worry about”, reassured Bayley. “The introduction of competition will force bars to compete and may give them the boost that they need”. Oliver however, argues that far from creating competition YUSU needs to support JCRCs in the organisation of events and sustainability of college bars. “YUSU talk a lot about competition but its not competition if they don’t want to be involved”, bemoaned the College chair. “Smaller college bars are hovering around the lower profit margins and unless they are given support they will not survive." "We have an amazing college spirit but if bars close down and we ask students to go to other colleges for events then we put this at risk.”

6NEWS

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

YUSU ELECTIONS: VOTE NOW

PRESIDENTIAL

primer Who's running? What do they stand for? How did they fare this week? Vision guides you through the candidates for YUSU President:

r Nadz Kunwa

... their main policies urer rating

Online module and lect trictions. system; reduced media res

per... if they were a chartly top anti-establish-

Arctic Monkeys; unique ely popular. ment, but sharp and hug

their week was...

ng focus on tanQuietly assured; a stro z focus throughNad e gav s gible policie . nts eve k's wee out the

BY DAN HEWITT AND ALEX RICHMAN THE OPENING week of campaigning for the impending YUSU elections drew large crowds and big promises. As well as the much-coveted President position, a further 13 slots will be settled this week including Services and Finance, Societies and Communities and Academic and Welfare. With the closure of bridges, the FTR crisis and Heslington East’s development, the 2008 elections always promised to provide great debate and discussion. The AU Presidency has emerged as the most hotly-contested post as 4 candidates look to improve on the sporting success achieved under Jo Carter. Current AU Vice-President Jack Kennedy is among the high profile candidates looking to step into Carter’s shoes, promising to take full advantage of the Hes East project and continue the ‘great work’ that Carter has done over the last few months. His rivals for the top sports job include Chris Collinson, who put in a commendable performance at the hustings. He aims to propel York into the top 20 sporting universities in the country through better coaching, qualified referees and increased funding of the athletics track. In a controversial move, candidate Max Coney has refused to promise more spending and instead said that the union should focus more on securing funds, rather than spending the existing amount. His criticism of Brian Cantor was also very popular with the audience.

PRESS-UPS

Laura Payne

their main po

licies... Strong campaign s on bridges, bu facilities; making ses and uni YUSU more appr oachable. if th ey were a chart

topper... Rihanna; relative ly new to the sc with an unde ene, but niable track re cord. Th

eir week w

as... Shaky; eloquen t speeches faile her reliance on vague promisesd to mask of lobbying.

Mad Cap'nt Tom Scicieos...t

their main pol

ing in Cutlasses for all; extensive train swashbuckling for all YUSU officers.

if they were a chart topper...

but eventuCrazy Frog; fun for a while, subs tance. ally leaves you yearning for

their week was...

sugSurprisingly competent; the Cap'n ble of gested he would indeed be capa taking the presidential mantle.

The most impressive promise however has come from candidate Alex Lacy, who has vowed to do 5,000 press-ups in Market Square and, if elected, will seek to achieve realistic aims for the AU rather than pursue the same glib chants for “more money” and “better facilities”. Another high-profile position up for grabs is Services and Finance, which sees the controversial figure of Matt Burton attempting to gain re-election to a position he has held since July. Burton received a mixed response from the audience at hustings, and rival candidate James Thompson questioned whether having two-year sabbatical officers was a positive thing. An unnerved Burton however called for continuity, with promises to build on the “great year” YUSU had enjoyed. His competition comes in the shape of the aforementioned Thompson and Nick Bradley, and the result of the position will surely hang on whether voters can relate to Burton’s claims of continued “success”, or if his failed promises of a student venue offcampus will come back to haunt him. Unlike Matt Burton, Societies and Communications Officer Sam Bayley will step down in July, leav-

Scott gets serious

POLICIES, PROMISES AND PIRATES AS UNI GOES TO THE POLLS ing three new candidates for the much sought after position.

"PISSED OFF" Matt Harris criticized the lack of publicity given to the Roses and Varsity events, proclaiming that he was “pissed off ” with the university’s treatment of its societies. Chaz Taylor spoke of the need to “touch base” with societies,

BY ALEX RICHMAN IT WOULD SEEM that even salty old seadogs are not immune to the romance of university politics. Speaking last Thursday at a debate organised by the Club of PEP, comedy candidate Mad Cap’n Tom revealed that he had been seduced by the idea of actually becoming YUSU President. Scott admitted his campaign was originally conceived for “entertainment value”; however,

and claimed to “know societies’ problems”, whilst Rory Shanks highlighted the importance of securing the future of York’s campus media, which after last year’s Guardian Student Media Awards can claim to be “amongst the best in the country”. Of the three candidates, Shanks appeared to acquire the most audience support at hustings and having helped with the organization of the first ever Viking Raid

the prominent pirate suggested that he was having second thoughts over his frivolous candidacy form. The move came after speculation that Scott’s chances are better than first thought, considering the single transferable vote system used by YUSU. The plucky plunderer’s performances have surprised onlookers, with his answers focused and, in the instance of referencing a 20-years-old newspaper clipping to show the futility of promising a central student venue, exceptionally

he is looking a strong candidate for the post. Following the vote of no-confidence in and consequent ousting of Grace Fletcher-Hackwood, the position of Academic and Welfare carries greater controversy and scrutiny than ever before. Charlie Leyland seems to be a popular candidate in this race, receiving a very warm welcome from the hustings audience. She promised to put structures in place to

well-researched. Scott even seemed to momentarily win over his opponents as he answered questions from the floor. When asked if he risked disillusionment if he were unable to maintain his pledge of cutlasses for all, Scott replied: “is it possible to be gettin’ students more disillusioned?” Smiles danced across the faces of competing candidates Nadz Kunwar and Laura Payne, as the audience began to question whether the presidential election was still a two horse race.

YORK VISION

NEWS

Tuesday March 4, 2008

week How ftohleded: un

tes Candida Y: YUSU TUESDA tion Time, Day 1 Ques CandiY: YUSU, Day 2 A D S E N WED uestion Time dates Q of PEP AY: Club bate D S R U H e T tial D Presiden

Facebook Forecast

Using the foolproof indication system of Facebook group membership, we've totted up each candidate's support to predict who will win each post. Have a look for yourself:

President Tom Scott - 609 Laura Payne - 335 Nadz Kunwar - 334

Services and finance Nick Bradley - 297 Matt Burton - 257 James Thompson - 90

Academic and Welfare Charlie Leyland - 368 Matthew Pallas - 186 Alan Duffell - 116

Development and charities Jamie Tyler - 317 Sarah Witts - 101 Fran Olley - 90

Societies and communications Rory Shanks - 185 Chaz Taylor - 139 Matt Harris - 41

halt York’s fall in recent university league tables, and focus on housing and accommodation as well as a web-based study directory. Leyland however faces stiff competition from current LBGT officer Matthew Pallas, already a popular character at YUSU, whose key policy is the promise of a ‘housing fair’ to give students the upper hand in negotiations with local landlords. Alan Duffell makes up the list of

candidates who, despite providing a lengthy list of policies, ended up wheeling out the cliché of the evening with the claim that “there is no such thing as a problem, only a solution that is yet to be found.” Joey Ellis’ departure as Student Development and Charities sees the emergence of three candidates comprised of former Derwent Chair Jamie Tyler, Fran Olley and Sarah Witts. Tyler, who recently appeared in Fu-

Policy and Campaigns

Tom Langrish and Michael Batula - 298 Kate Evans and Emily Cousins - 165 Lisa Clague and Laura Vitty - 123 John Heritage and Chris Etheridge - 95

racial equality Iman Khabireh and Marat Omarov - 231 Nadia Aziz and John Apea - 116

environment and ethics John Nicholls and Joe Thwaites - 170 Lena Jeha - 115 Tom Barnes and Ed Morrison - 66

RAG president Helen Adams - 202 Alex Fink - 173

All for the Media’ will change very shortly after taking the post," with him suggesting that the pressure will get to them when they "realise the sheer responsibility they’ll have on their shoulders.” The sabbatical officer has been one of the most heavily criticised in the first week of public campaigning, with presidential candidate Nadz Kunwar champi-

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blogs!

Add t he fac ebook applic yorkv ision.c ation at ww The O o.uk w. bridge NLY place to rea d com d full, menta u r y on the w nae eek's vents Post y big our co mmen ts and show suppo your rt

sion, waxed-legs and all, wants more open committees and opportunities to participate, while Olley spoke of the opportunities a student-run bar in Langwith would have for headhunting. Sarah Witts claimed that her “enthusiasm and experience” set her apart from the other candidates, and her work with Tenteleni offered potential rivalry with Tyler, whose college has been at the centre of controversy over failed

Bayley believes candidates will change their tune in ofﬁce YUSU’s SOCIETIES and Communications Officer, Sam Bayley, has blasted the criticism of media censorship from the current crop of candidates, predicting that they will not take long to withdraw their grandiose promises. “I think the three Socs and Comms candidates’ answers to ‘Privacy for Officers or Free for

Photo by Terry Li

AT WWW.YUSU.ORG/VOTE

oning increased freedom for the campus press as a key manifesto pledge. However, Bayley believes that the current system leaves little room for improvement: “I don’t think that newspapers are ‘censored’ as such…we were also very careful to involve Vision in the latest update to the Media Charter.”

payments to the organization. Other positions up for grabs are LBGT, Women’s Committee, Racial Equality, Policy and Campaigns, Entertainment, Student Action, RAG President and Environment and Ethics. Voting begins Monday Week 9 and polls will close on Friday.

SU change When can YU e? cl ti an ar mation libellous infor

> If it contains the tentially harm > If it could po student a of g ein llb welfare or we Union rate about the > If it is inaccu n was readtio ma or inf “when accurate ily available” a s YUSU staff (in > If it mention yment ld lead to emplo cou t tha er nn ma ngs”) thi d ba of er ll mann tribunals or “a

ELECTED TO NOTHING BY MARTIN WILLIAMS FOUR YUSU officer positions will be scrapped if a controversial motion proposed at last Thursday’s UGM is successful. The current equality and diversity roles would be replaced by a single Anti-Discrimination Officer. The proposal could cancel the current elections for the roles of LGBT, Women’s, Disability and Racial Equality Officer, meaning that successful candidates would have no positions to occupy. The constitutional amendment was put forward by LGBT Social Rep Michael Rutherford, who labelled the current system “inefficient and out-of date.” Although five sets of LGBT candidates stood last year, Rutherford also pointed to the majority of positions being uncontested this time round. However, LGBT Officer candidate Sarah Fennell opposed the contentious proposal, saying: “people’s voices can’t be represented with only one officer. Reducing numbers reduces diversity.” YUSU President, and acting Academic and Welfare Officer, Anne-Marie Canning added: “I need these officers, I need their support. They balance Exec and Senate.” Canning also commented on the timing of the motion. “It’s unfair to run elections, give people positions, and then pull them out from under their feet.” Online voting for the proposal closes on Thursday, a day before YUSU elections close.

BACK TO THE FTR

BY CLAIRE GRIBBLE

FTR BUS SERVICE have proposed a trial period of low prices on the route between campus and York city centre. The current rates are far higher than London transport costs, with a single priced at £1.80. During a one week trial period however, due to take place during week 3 of the summer term, return tickets will cost students only £2. The new prices are considered to offer a fairer deal to students, but FTR bosses will only put the scheme into permanent effect if it does not lose them money. The company say that they need 45% more students to use the service in order for them to continue to offer the lower prices. YUSU Societies and Communications Officer, Sam Bayley, commented "we hope that when the trials are launched students use the buses and make a convincing case to First that prices should be lower for students all year round!" Recent complaints from students over the soaring bus prices had prompted YUSU to put pressure on FTR to make tickets more affordable. First York Service Delivery Director, Jonathon Stewart, attended the Union General Meeting last Thursday where he was presented with a petition of 1,000 student signatures demanding cheaper travel. Bayley described Stewart’s presence at the meeting, where he fielded questions from students, as an improvement in communications between students and the company. A late night service in the autumn term for nightclub pickups has also been proposed by First York. Buses will run until 2.30am, with students able to use their return tickets after midnight to save money.

8 COMMENT

YORK VISION Tuesday March 4, 2008

He's not just a pretty face. Or even a pretty face.

TOM SHELDRICK

Economical with the truth W

ust how much is a degree worth nowadays? Askerov was willing to shell out £20,000 on top of the rest of his fees, but was caught out due to the sloppy nature of his scheme. Sure, with a little time and effort you can do well at university. But the recent trial of Askerov and his accomplice Drean has shown us all that with slightly less time and effort, you can get somebody else to do well for you; and maybe even get away with it, too.

So, we realise that there's no excuse for hard work - even if it is when covering your tracks to defraud the university.

YU-too?

e've reached an all-time low. 'Pirate for President.' We'll be the laughing stock of the NUS if he gets in.

Actually, not at all. This could be the best thing that's happened to YUSU in years. He knows his stuff, and is one of three darn good candidates. Kunwar's the clumsiest public speaker, and has little campaigning experience, but he's got some firm policies and he'll get them done. Payne's got no policies, but she's ballsy and has got a record of success.

hatever happens in the next few days, no ex-college Chair will be sitting in the President's, well, chair, in the YUSU office come July 1st. And let's face it, in the long term, Mr Khatu’s not looking like he’s going to be following in Anne-Marie’s footsteps from James Chair to YUSU top-dog. The plans for a student-run bar in Langwith and YUSU’s neglect of college events as they prioritise their flagship Viking Raid have brought the college - university divide to the fore once again, and the gap seems to be getting ever wider. A YUSU-run bar in Langwith will be capable of undercutting the competition, whilst also taking any decent events Cantor, Kember and Co. are hardly champing at the bit to keep the bars open 24/7. Aside from Central Hall which we all hold so close to our hearts, everyone’s pretty aware of our collegiate nature. You’ve got the the Alcuin Rah’s at one end and the James Jack Wills-wearers at the other, with every Langwith student endowed with just a bit of Little Man Syndrome, and the Goodricke Ghetto in between. (I’m Vanbrugh, so think that we’re normal - as you inevitably do about your college.) Me, I went that little bit further, living the other side of the abyss of the Retreat in Fairfax. Most of my housemates didn’t have much of a college allegiance, but more of a militarist Fairfax one. You lot probably thought we were some kind of terrorist cell.

Based in an old nursing home. Start thinking about Hes East and we’ve got the prospect of seperate campus identities. Sport shows us how it is. Play for the Uni 3rds at football, and you feel like you’re playing for your place in the team, or ultimately to move up a side. In college football, you play for the team, and bragging rights along with it. The bitching and violence that come with it is unsavoury, but part and parcel. And that’s where the AU candidates have got it wrong, I think, in claiming college sport is all about ‘taking part.’ Go down on a Sunday afternoon and you’ll soon learn different. One weekend a year and it all sorts itself out. It turns out all we require is a common enemy, and that becomes Lancaster. Normally mild mannered females, still in their infancy with regard to learning the laws of cricket, are engendered to shout “you fat bastard” and “HND, no degree!” Less than 2 months away now, I can’t wait! But while we’re Oxbridge’s poor imitation in academic

Bars and bridges are out, replaced by the new watchwords of Accountability, Approachability and Action.

The most interesting outcome of this week's elections will be how many students vote.

his week saw the announcement that Efe's has been barred from making deliveries on campus, and that the firm's workers will be treated as trespassers. Why don't we go the whole hog and act as if the firemen rushing to extinguish the flaming toaster in Langwith are actually there to steal students' laptops! It's a shame that devouring horrendously greasy fast food, a cornerstone of the student experience, is now under threat.

We can't smoke where we want, or drink when we want - at least let us have some hash browns once in a while!

Whilst I’m on the subject, why is it that we are allowed, sorry encouraged, to don our “Around the World” gear, whilst any mention of blue and pink goodie bags creates a right hoo-hah? Even your room cleaners seem to be involved. This year, I was wearing a beret, paint-on moustache, skintight striped top, and an apron containing an onion. No prizes for guessing who I was, but lazy stereotyping, or just straight-up r a c i s m ? Anyway, back to the subject in hand. Unfortunately, most ventures into nonstudent ter ritory don't e v e n end up with any local interaction such is York's force as a tourist magnet, with every southerner with enough dosh to afford a Betty’s scone stuffing into the Shambles on a Saturday afternoon. You're soon forced to retreat back to campus though, where we're all just the same. It would be much nicer if we could all just get along though. I really hope we can build bridges, both literally and metaphorically. Wait a sec, that sounds like some YUSU election chat to me...

ling the video il k ll ti s 's io d Ra iPod too) star (and the facts to quite back it up,

As the Mad Cap'n pointed out though, "there not be too much difference between any of us."

Banning our burgers

and facility terms (we all got rejected and so ended up here, or at least that’s what I keep getting told), our collegiate system isn’t like theirs at all. For a start, we didn’t get to choose which college we ended up in. No, the real divide in York is between the students and our beloved Yorcals. The Halifax boys behaving badly haven't exactly painted us in the best light recently, but basically we don't get to see enough of each other. We take over midweek, but by Saturday night Yo rk U n i ve r s i t y hoodies are nowhere to be seen. We do see them 'down t'pub' every now n' again, but I feel more intimidation than anything. "Can I please have a pint of err Fosters please?" You can just feel the eyes of the local nursing his Sam Smith's along the bar. And then there's the RAG Parade. Our aims: to raise as much money as possible, whilst abusing other colleges. The Yorcals have their own targets: to tell us to “piss off ” and “go away” in as many different, imaginative and darn right rude ways as possible. My favourite: “could you spare any change.” “Yes I could, but I’m not going to.” (Swearwords removed).

YORK VISION

somet the s. There's just lf that y I haven't go se Ok, admittedl question, radio still rule ur yo it se oo when it but there's no t having the power to ch ously exciting thing about noso much more spontane the Sugababes for exmakes a song e airwaves. Take a bit of a CD but it's just too pops up on thouldn't be seen dead with e radio. Doesn't work ample, you w ng along when it's on thtoo easy to change the hard not to sivideos too false, and it's level, but, somewhat for TV, music radios take it to the next that one step better. channel. Car u may feel, tractors go ess, they're selling DAB d-style wirel - the only way to get surprisingly yo e self a proper ol So go get your s versions all over the plac for finally gets played. pretend 1970n a song you've been waiting that buzz whe

Tuesday March 4, 2008

Alex Richman Tom Sheldrick Scene Editor: Naomi Lever Deputy Editor: Anna-Claire Bevan

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Opinions expressed in Vision are not necessarily those of the Editors, Senior Editorial Team, membership or advertisers. Every effort is made to ensure all articles are as factually correct as possible at the time of going to press, given the information available.

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YORK VISION

COMMENT

Tuesday March 4, 2008

LETTERS

Write to us: Vision Letters, Grimston House Email us: editor@yorkvision.co.uk

Whor es

Thanks, Rina. The editorial team here at Vision Dear V ision, are truly sorry for the lack of clarity concerning offence any and article, last issue’s front page I'm w rit it may have caused. It is clear that phrases such allege ing to req u as “foreign students aren’t performing as well d exis tence est furthe r of a b as their white counterparts” should not have Dear Vision, rothel informatio For m d frankly my either our or YUSU’s editothrough an n passed o t a en n Hes m n nt y oi yea sapp . Road regarding shack . express my di rial process, due to the erroneous assumptions the . led to rs I've felt ur last edition yo of I would like to ] le tic Y ar lacked refine ork's r headline they make. We understand that the lax and d ic a h a r c disgust at [the c chite erta ultu ciently or ethnic inaccurate use of several phrases caused both reign students rectif in contemp cture and ral history ,o ied by ion between fo surprising confusion and anger, and it is something we orary f ct d in an st g di in no us e am 'Jenny inject orgotten m verly Thorn mad Uni. I find it gree hope that, with the co-operation of groups on de io rk 's emory y Yo m n at T m ng ; g’ h ili lin a fa ese a ssage report I am minorities ‘fai parlou defecit su , by our institutio campus, we can draw a line under. tegory and rding to your ca co t ac ffien I r. n ud at p s ' st th n n r are a udis to lear ur foreig side t social fit into both yo he Min h sensibilit r e a and I seem to ie li ster a ty, un patch s, and . n work ethnic minority of Yor d Yorvik C deserving justly tabo across the ed on k e az 's n bl ly t a r ttract e as a of a place a oed was blinding e My sp ions. lon thread white’ which u do not defin ecific Yo t. ec rr co within gin The term ‘Non querie count ely politically the hat they are. tir w s en s an . is th r c I ve er o 'v th co front are not ra but am e yet to tr ncern the p by what they u o e h s ly s o an individual ib p utilis ing t lity o within le. The yond your artic etuate Thanks, anonymous Hes. Road resident. We agree the ne o make goo e my £10 N f student a problem be d rp d x to pe ts t m lp in f he po ’ y e le for nd w location invest US extra c isdays. This artic that Heslington Road is a very desirable thnic backgrou an m ‘e a th ur r e A yo he n r ot fo x t final c in said rd, students to live, with much going on on the street. forms asking you tick any bo onside card nsion. When atter of m he r brothel, e re d a pl suspecte s pp the g t e endorsin sim isa not io we're a e m Of course king a n: for this come other by be a c u ll c n yo attractio x o student t a as bo it but we find your views on the white tly? the tw modation f hose stude her what exac nts cu or in very interesting. As regards for the possibility of elimination! Ot rrently s ine an attraction next year, do s of E d Jen using your NUS card there to save some cash, we unin n f y's vis es go consider c in d lo advertise yet aren't s services Jenny's e that urm derstand ce proxim Yours, ity on ral offering et cuiYUSU literature as being one of the outlets accepting Best w Hes. R s loca is ted o h ad. es (a o the card. Watch this space though... A hap Rina Nalumos py He nd thanks ), s. Roa d resid ent.

ing Plain speak

YES, SAYS MIKE SIMS

certainly don’t regret picking York as the place to spend 3 years studying and socialising and would do so again if I was an 18 year old excitedly leafing through University brochures and visiting Unis across the country. Yes, the campus isn’t in sparkling health, with bridges deemed so unsafe that they’ve been closed (although I think that some University staff should be forced to still use them and walk the gauntlet every day). Yes, the Uni lacks a 50-metre (or even 5-metre) swimming pool that would give it similar sports facilties as the likes of the University of East Anglia. And yes, the opening hours of your departmental office can be infuriatingly short and that little tray that you have to put your essays in to seems like a stupid idea when your tutor’s pigeon hole is standing just a metre away from you. But on the grander scale, York is a great place to be, and I’m glad I chose here. The campus is larger than many other Uni’s at 200-acres and boasts the truly stunning Quiet Place, a Library with long opening hours (allowing students to dash there at half 11 at night to grab a book for that essay looming the next morning) and a collegiate system that evokes great spirit, loyalty and fond memories when we

talk about our college. I feel strongly that our collegiate system is a great positive for York. Each have their own facilities and communities, and whenever conversation in a bar/ sports team/seminar group flits to which college you are in, most students will declare theirs to be the greatest and mightiest of all. This universal defending of your college, no matter which it is (even Goodricke - I’m happy to say I’m a Goodrickian), conjures up a certain pride that is easy to overlook and that does not exist at many other Unis. Many features of campus are easy to take for granted. For instance, I recently spent time at Exeter Uni, and it was so hilly I couldn’t wait to leave. It was an effort to walk anywhere, especially the sports centre which was at the heighest point of campus. Our uni is all on a level site - rushing to your 9.15 is much easier to do on flat ground than up a hilly terrain - and everything is also based on one site (with the exception of King’s Manor, which only a minoirty of students need to use). All in all, I’m still glad that I chose York and wouldn’t swap it for anything - not even for a dip in UEA’s luxury swimming facilities...

Does the Uni offer students value for money - and would you choose York again?

Above: Something on campus - a pool you won't see

scene of late Above: Thtieng ri w y sa es

night

for th oug

ht!

NO, SAYS HARRY PEARSE

s a student of the humanities I can’t help but feel comparatively short changed. I don’t actively begrudge my £3000 tuition fees; inertia has blossomed from my inability to do anything about it. But having been given a suitable vehicle to vocalize my indignation, (this very space), I believe a healthy diatribe is permissible. As an engineer or bio-whatsit, three thousand sparkly pound coins seems an appropriate sum to cover a year of unremitting magnesium burning, test tube abuse and lab coat defilement. These tools and apparatus are requisites of their courses, without which our future doctors and scientists would remain under - trained and more pertinently, burnt and scarred. I don’t exactly resent them, but just take a moment to cast your mind over the position of a comparatively underprivileged History student. While his sciencey peers are showered with gifts and snazzy protective attire, he is left to fester in the library, bereft of volatile chemicals to play with, and only a distinctly un-George Clooneyesque jumper to fondle. The immediate yield of his three grand investment is apparently intellectual stimulation and recondite seminar discussion; genuine benefits for sure, but hollow substitutes for playing

with fire. One can’t help but discern a massive asymmetry in the tangible returns on student fees. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel completely cheated. I love the library for instance; its eerie silence often sends me into an enjoyably dreamlike trance, and of all the campus sights, it definitely has a preponderance of attractive girls. But access to books, girls and people whose faces are etched with amusing confusion resulting from arcane contemplation, doesn’t even the scales. The clearasil clad science bunch are not bared from entering; books haven’t been deployed as a counterweight to chemical swilling. Indeed, I occasionally see short, bespectacled people make covert forays into isles emblazoned with bizarre words like ‘Genetics’ and ‘DNA’. University is great for a variety of reasons, certainly not just academia, which is why, notwithstanding the above, I tend not to moan about the costs. But my three grand is not put towards the house parties, friendships made, and an occasional good night at Toffs. It is strictly for my eight hours contact time and unfettered access to leather bound bits of paper. Occasionally it just feels a bit steep. (And this speaks nothing of the absent swimming pool, crumbling bridges and squalid D Block.)

10COMMENT

YORK VISION

COLUMNS STALLION IN SEARCH OF A

SIAN ROWE W

omen of the UK! I bring yet more news from a foreign land. You are all whores! Vaginas readily equipped with welcome mats, just waiting for a man to trip up on it. Or at least, that is what some Italian men think. Thanks then, to the one who informed my companion and me of just this fact when we were completing the really quite titillating act of collecting our post. Or the two that actually cheered when we told them we were from England. As in fist clenched, YAY spouting, is that a sock stuffed down yer Y fronts or are you just pleased to see me cheered. Consequently I started to wonder if this column is thinking with its vagina, reinforcing the stereotype for such men who are all dick, no brains. And thus, I have developed a resounding fear of Italy’s sex antics. The sex shop around the corner has already got me buckling up the chastity belt. In amongst your usual ‘toys!’, ‘videos!’, ‘outfits!’ we’re promised the really quite perplexing ‘sex GADGET’. Needless to say, if he whipped out one of those threatening sounding little blighters I’d be out of there faster than you could deliver a particularly fluent Ciao. Unfortunately it’s not just freakish ‘pleasure-bots’ that have put a dampener on my own little slice of ‘Italy Uncovered’. Thousands of miles, not a whiff of Matt Burton, and student politics has reared its not usually that gladiatorial head. Picture a bar if you will. A ‘nice’ group of students, chatting over those things that ‘y’know’ students do. “Yeah, I bloody love Jack Johnson,’ and the like. The bloke on my right is from Israel, he’s twenty-eight and a lawyer.. To my left I can hear Mr. UCL and Miss Canada prattling on about their university rivalries, their politicians, and their ‘personalities’- that general faff. Mr Lawyer turns to me and passes comment on my age, or more specifically, the lack of it. ’Twenty years old’ he says. ‘You are so young’. I agree, but clarify that I’ve done a fair bit, seen a few things, don’t like Jack Johnson, but have, overall, had a jolly time. ‘I didn't qualify until I was twenty -seven’ he continues. I, rather ignorantly, ask why. He replies. ‘I served 4 years in the army'. Oh. ‘The Israeli Army’. You need a few years out after that. ‘Yes’ Mr and Mrs Student Politics continue to blather in the background. It certainly got me thinking. When Mr or Miss YUSU president is elected Mr Lawyer’s sister will still be in the Army. The same army that hey, not being melodramatic or anything, get up to a fair bit. Potential students everywhere, will still be in an army ‘getting up to a fair bit’ while in York, someone in the audience of a ‘presidential debate’ is wearing a keffiyeh, maybe or maybe not knowing what the hell it really means. Then there I am. Prancing about with England’s middle classes, now rather guiltily, in search of a ‘Stallion’. Man hunt temporarily suspended. Normal service to resume next term. Sex gadgets beware…

ALEX RICHMAN

eing a horribly uncharitable misanthrope is very much like being aroused by auto-erotic asphyxiation. You may suspect it’s the case, but it’s still unsettling when it’s confirmed… and even worse when it’s revealed to your family and friends. Take those Oxfam people that loiter around in town, trying to

mind…oh, look, Topman’s got a sale on!” Sweet charity has come to the forefront lately, and I’m not just talking about the Drama Barn’s recent production. The AU President is set to run the London Marathon; a member of my seminar group will be joining her. Personally, I’m not sure I’d be willing to run 26

Charity and I finagle your bank details for a monthly direct debit. I’ve taken to cruising around until I find one

"Can one realistically deposit the obtuse amount of £3.33 without being ridiculed? " already engaged with a potential donor, before embarking on my well-rehearsed monologue: “excuse me, but I’d quite like to…oh, you’re busy. I see. OK. Well, never

miles for several thousand pounds, let alone for the glory of giving several thousand pounds to somebody else. A slightly more tame event is the equally worthy Race for Life, a women’s only 5km race to raise funds for Cancer Research UK. This has all the things I look for in a charitable run – it’s all going to just one organisation (and a real organisation at that, too: none of that donkey sanctuary rubbish), walking is encouraged, and as far as I can tell, there are no morons in diving costumes. When I found out that two of my friends were taking part, I was thrilled. A few days later I was informed that they weren’t going to be doing it in their

Tuesday March 4, 2008 underwear like those girls in the news during Breast Awareness Week, which tempered my enthusiasm a bit, but nonetheless I was happy to sponsor the pair of them. Then the trouble started. Tithing is supposed to be private. I’ve never understood if this is to help maintain wealthy donors’ anonymity; if so, it doesn’t quite

"So I’ve bought a wig and a sports bra, and I’ve signed up" explain away the term ‘philanthropist’, or its usage as Sir Alan Sugar introduces himself as ‘a fucking marvellous philanthropist’ as he gloatingly reveals he’s donated his fee for advertising premium bonds. No, charity is supposed to be private because we don’t want everyone to know how stingy we’ve been. Choosing the right amount is tantamount to keeping my misanthropy a secret. Being a student, a tenner reclaims the mystery and glamour it had when you were six, when paper money was something you only saw at birthdays. And so, it was with the benevolence of the Duke of Vienna I prepared to hand over ten English pounds to Cancer Research UK. But how? My initial urge was to foster competition and withhold the donation until after the race, giving all to the girl with the fastest completion time. After brief discussion, I realised that my image would change from ‘benevolent’ to ‘bastardly’. So, £5 in each virtual

account was about to be deposited, when I got the awful, wretched news…a third entrant. Can one realistically deposit the obtuse amount of £3.33 without being ridiculed? Am I forcing the charity to pay more tax through three meagre contributions as opposed to one adequate sum? The questions continued to pile up, numbers swimming in my head until I blacked out, slumped in front of the donations website. When I came to, I had an epiphany – screw the girls! If I’m handing over money, I should have the selfsatisfaction. Even if my details are on the sponsor sheet, it’s their name at the top. So I’ve bought a wig and a sports bra, and I’ve signed up. With a bunch of walking girls, I reckon I’ve got a shot at a medal. Charity runs do give out medals, don’t they?

Nell McAndrew; yes she's a charity runner folks

For more comment and opinion, visit our facebook application! Join in at www.yorkvision.co.uk!

One student acutely observes our student way of life - and reminisces about watching GMTV...

LISA MORRIS A

s you set off for university, people tell you that the experience will make you grow up. What they don’t prepare you for, however, is that you will quickly be aged by at least thirty years. The average student conversation exemplifies this point. It opens something like this: Q.. “How are you?” A. “I’m tired.” The response tends to be mutual (Q. “And you?” A. “Yeah, tired too”). And then everybody yawns. It seems people are never fully awake anymore, preferring to simultaneously learn and dream. Each of us cooks, cleans, eats, sleeps and generally adheres to routine ‘responsibility.’ All that remains is for our alarm clocks to wake us with “I Got You, Babe” and we may as well make a little film about it and cast Bill Murray as its starring role. Back in the day, it was half past six by the GMTV clock and I was up for school eating cornflakes.

shall be buying your product soon. Those days of colouring my hair for fashion purposes shall fade into memory Excessive computer use and its resultant Repetitive Strain

N ow a d ay s, I struggle to surface before nine A.M and it is often a literal struggle involving apathetic stumbles followed by some stumbling. Disappointingly, I miss GMTV altogether. I forever talk about ‘the time’ too- (doesn’t it just fly?-) with

"Luck usually ensures that my library books are on the top or bottop shelf"

"A little ten year old version of myself is panicking, 'oh no, I am halfway to twenty!'" painful irony; how many precious minutes would I save if I did not? Maybe its stress, maybe its paranoia, maybe my hair always had the odd grey strand. Dammit Davina, I

Injury: now there’s a pain in the neck. Luck usually ensures that my library books are on the bottom shelf (a bugger for the knees) or on the top shelf (and then my back’s gone). You’re basically screwed if you’re after the two. And judging by my personal collection of neardeath-experiences on the approach to Walmgate, any benevolent youngster willing to help me cross York roads would be greatly appreciated.

It's always the way...

As I sit reminiscing whilst wearing my metaphorical Victor Meldrew flatcap, a little ten year old version of myself is panicking, “oh no, I am halfway to twenty!” Yet all that said, we are complete kids when we are not solely earning degrees. I’m still asked for ID at Somerfield, which is lovely. It’s only when it comes to that other stuff, to the mound of reading and to the hangovers, that we inadvertently don our slippers and talk in yawns.

RUBBISH

YORK VISION

THE SKETCH

sal覺 mart 4, 2008

YORKVISI N Draaaaaaaaaaaaaawing out the truth... THE MEDIA CIRCUS IS CITY OF YORK ROCKED COMING TO TOWN SLIGHTLY BY SOMETHING UNIVERSE EXCLUSIVE

BY IVOR BIGGUN YORK WAS MILDLY disturbed by a less-than-thunderous earthquake last week, to the mild annoyance of several. Devastation was absent throughout York, with scenes of chaos and disruption nowhere to be seen. The structural damage done to the city has been equated by top meterolo-

gists to that caused by a "mild wind or large fart". Fifth-year James Flaps, at home at the time of nature's devastating terrorist attack, was left counting the cost after his hairclip fell from his desk. "I was completely fine," said Flaps, seeing through our charade of disingenuine concern. Flaps' plight was mirrored

An example of devastation not caused by the tremor

all over campus, with thousands of students unaffected by the thunderous earthgasm. Ninth-year talkologist Herman Jenas was left slightly disorientated after falling up the stairs: "Did I just fall up the stairs? I can't believe I just fell up the stairs. That's ridiculous," Jenas is quoted as having expunged from her talk-hole. However, the most disturbing impact of the soil shuffle was wrought on the pages of popular stalking website, Facebook. Fourteenth-year Sean Hackmess was rooting through holiday photos of an ex-girlfriend in her bikini when the floor flutter occured. "Suddenly, everyone started changing their status to 'I'm ok, I survived!'" said Hackmess. "It was really, truly pathetic." An ongoing clean-up operation is not in effect, because nothing really happened.

VANBRUGH COLLEGE SATURDAY WEEK 1, SUMMER TERM (For once, we're not taking the piss - this is really happening!)

HOW TO WIN VOTES & INFLUENCE PEOPLE

EPISODE ONE:

EYE-CATCHING POLICIES

ENGAGING POLICIES

SOLID POLICIES

FEATURES

#11 Philosophy Soc The philosophy society is always something I just assumed I’d enjoy, and so I never bothered to actually attend. My circle of friends are enjoyably sentient enough to provide me with stimulating conversation (when we aren’t arguing about the ‘no gun’ rule on Goldeneye 64 - which is entirely bollocks by the way), and so the prospect of coming across as vaguely argumentative to a bunch of strangers while sipping Derwent’s finest didn’t offer any immediate appeal. I always kept the idea in my pocket though, since I imagined it’d be a solid experience and I’d probably meet some pretty interesting people in the process. I really shouldn’t have held these naïve prejudices. I arrived at Derwent bar, where they were holding their philosophy coffee (which, I later found out, was personified by a paper cup containing various questions that reeked as if they were plucked from a desperate year 8 teacher trying to get their RS students to say something). I wasn’t sure if it was the society when I found it – there wasn’t a sign, and when I asked someone (hoping that they’d realize I was a newbie and invite me into their sitting circle) they just replied with a monotonic “yes” before turning back to their portion of the group and continuing their inaudible conversation. Part of the initial confusion was that they were meeting in the middle of the bar, a loud area with awkward seating for a group. I was hoping that the chatter was just the pre-discussion buzz (since nobody was saying a word about ‘utopias’, the official theme of the meeting), but it wasn’t. I overheard a few people mumbling about how they were going to run for committee positions, and how they were going to delegate jobs for writing the newsletter, but that’s all. Still lacking an introduction, I assumed that we were supposed to just begin, so I tried to get into a group – but everyone’s chairs were so crowded around the tiny tables that there wasn’t an inch of space. I wasn’t the only newbie, and the others looked as bewildered as I did; they couldn’t have been having an awfully dissimilar time, as they repetitively asked for confirmation that this was the right place – indeed, it certainly didn’t feel like it. Feeling a tinge of annoyance towards the regulars, who could blatantly see that we didn’t know what to do, me and other two newcomers tried to start our own discussion with the aforementioned cliché paper cup questions. The result was underwhelming, and I think we all gave up. I left after 25 minutes, with a feeling that this was an unorganised, rude, and pointless society. Avoid.

inside report inclusive/cliquey active/sedate

University offers the promise of exploring new areas and challenges – but Dominic Chigurrh asks: is it all just a bit too

EASY DEGREESY? york vision investigates

here are many reasons for coming to Some university. wish to meet life long friends or even a future spouse. Others relish the opportunity of getting completely inebriated on a regular basis. A minority even take advantage of parental absence by stealing road signs and traffic cones; a dreadful crime which this correspondent strenuously denies any connection with*. And some, believe it or not, come to university in the hope of doing an academic and stimulating degree. But are we failing them? In a first year Politics lecture I and my fellow students were forced to endure a torturously long explanation of what a constitution was, followed by an hour of content pitched at a similar level. For nonPolitics students, that’s the equivalent of my first High School cookery practical: how to make a sandwich. Inspired by this disappointing course opening,

Vision decided to fill the time gap left by negligible scheduled contact hours with an investigation into the quality of a first year degree. Were these concerns justified? Did others feel the same? Was there an arts/science distinction? And if so, does it actually matter? Mark Pickard, a first year History student clearly believes that it does. “I think it’s important for a seminar to stimulate, challenge and engage,” he said. “This is something they fail to do.” He said that debate - the way he believes students develop historical arguments – was negligible and that the low level of scheduled hours further reduces the seminars’ impact. An Economics student was even less impressed. “Basically, we just write things down in Economics seminars,” he said, claiming that a more engaging approach would be more fulfilling. Others we spoke to also shared such concerns.

“Look, I didn’t do any of the reading last term and I didn’t go to the lectures,” confided one anonymous student. “And I still got a First in Term One”. He paused for a moment before adding thoughtfully: “But then, I do History of Art...” Research by Vision, however, suggests that, regardless of your views on the merits or shortcomings of Art History, a reduced reliance on lecture and seminar material is common across all nonscience degrees. Not necessarily a bad thing, though. “University should be about independent learning and research. It shouldn’t rely on being force fed information,” argues Jo Massie, a first year social scientist. Her seven hours a week enable her to do her own studying and doesn’t restrict her social life. Science students, in contrast, have a heavier workload. And 12 hours per week of Maths also encompasses a

JOHN LLOYD Is our TV turning to trash?

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inside MAN

de- I’m happy to say that the Politics department does NOT care about their first years

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YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

CENT

12 FEATURES

higher number of early mornings. Even students’ desire to club till 3am is reduced by the prospect of a 9.15. Numerous science students we spoke to suggested that their subject meant that they went out until late less frequently. Not that it stops many, of course. A Maths student’s typical week, according to one I spoke to: “Monday: got drunk, drunk, got Tuesday Wednesday got drunk, Thursday got drunk...” But it is the individual study mentioned by Massie that causes most contention. Bristol University, no stranger to student disquiet over minimal lecture hours, expands on the point. A handbook given to every arts student justifies minimal hours with an analogy. A “university isn’t like a supermarket, where you pick your degree off a shelf because you’ve paid for it; it’s more like a gym... where the university provides the training and the facilities but it’s your responsibility

to [use them]”. Sounds fine, doesn’t it? Most arts subjects stipulate 40 hours or so of work per week with an emphasis on individual reading. You push yourself and develop your own intellectual interests. But then why bother with lectures? To quote the York History Department’s first year handbook: “Lectures explore broad themes.... [they can take you] where the books do not”, and critically the lecture "is NOT spoon feeding”. A lecture can introduce you to an analyses not contained in books or combine multiple sources to reach a broad conclusion. But “I’ve learnt nothing in Economics lectures” claimed one PPE first year who Vision spoke to, arguing that the course simply recycles the A-Level. Meanwhile, Firsts remain that suggesting low, first year assessment is demanding, but the content provided is not.

Fancy a Cheap Fashion Week? Join Immy and Helen! and

York B&Bs a nightmare? Mike Sims investigates

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YORK VISION

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Tuesday March 4, 2008

Confessions ie b b a c a of

Those nice men and women that drive you home after one too many sambuccas have had enough. Each week VISION brings you another of their student exposing confessions.

Photo: Juliet Burns

From a personal perspective, I view most Politics lectures as an hour concerned with the basic and laboured reproduction of the fundamental principles that every student should understand. For example, a political writer’s biographical details which are evident in the core text’s introduction. Or wasting 20 minutes (literally) with a summation of the previous lecture. A second year Philosophy student told me that the first year course has a similar failing. Because students have all studied different modules at A-Level (and some haven’t studied Philosophy at all), the department assumes only a basic level of prior knowledge. “Bits were too hard; bits were far too easy,” she said. And so this Vision investigation has posed a rather obvious question to the writer, to fill in basic knowledge: why don’t Arts departments simply ask prospective students to read a basic ALevel textbook (selected by the department) over the summer? It may be that the idea hasn’t occurred to Arts departments (unlikely), or it may be that they feel most students are happy with lectures pitched at a basic level. When we asked one student about his first year course we uncov-

ered a more cynical solution, however. “[I don’t want my name recorded] but I’m happy to say that the Politics department does not care about its first years,” he said. First year doesn’t count

Why don't Arts deparments simply ask prospective students to read a basic A-Level textbook over the summer? towards a degree, he argued; it’s a settling- in year, a year to get to grips with the structure of a university course. Consequently, the Politics department (and possibly others) don’t waste time and effort on making it challenging. But a word of warning to potential cynics: this investigation has not just revealed disillusionment. Many of the students we spoke to enjoyed much of their course. The History department, for example, received some substantial praise. There had been great lectures in most subjects (including Politics), as well as some excellent seminar tutors. Yet, despite this, there is a

genuine concern. There are clearly intellectual students at York in their first year who feel unchallenged and unstimulated by their course. The departments’ response to this article, I suspect, will be “do more reading”. Push yourself; a degree is based on reading, you get out what you put in. And so on and so forth. All of which is true - to a certain extent. But none of this explains why so many students feel that their lectures are untaxing. And these are lectures, remember, that ought to “explore broad themes.... and take you where the books do not”. To quote my cynical source once more: “The second and third year lectures are of a much higher quality... there’s no excuse”. In short, lectures and seminars are important. Seminars, in particular, ought to create the debate necessary to complete an intellectual course. But many of the students we spoke to feel that some seminars lack part of this debating element, and that they simply have too few hours for the debate to be of great use. Of course, many may be happy to ‘coast’, to experience a course that is less demanding than A-Level. But as my skeptical informant said: “That’s no reason... many of the people on the course probably don’t want to be challenged”. University should be about challenge, about intellectual stimulation. You may of course be won-

dering why I quoted this final source in such detail. Well, I told you at the start that I do Politics, and that’s partly because to some extent I’m an idealist. I want to change the world; I don’t expect that I will, but I don’t accept that as a reason not to try. As an idealist I normally despise cynicism, I hate those who malign human goodness at every opportunity, but in some situations, reluctantly, I’m forced to admit that cynicism is right. I can understand why he thinks the department doesn’t care. I can understand why he feels that negligible seminar hours are detrimental. I can understand why he argues that lectures of a poor academic quality sap the passion of intellectual students. And, I understand his cynicism. Because frankly, I don’t think that my department gives a damn about me either. *Even if there (allegedly) resides at the time of writing a ‘Men At Work’ sign in the writer’s student a c c o m modation, I firmly maintain that I possess no knowledge of how it happened to get through the door of my locked room. Or why it is covered in my fingerprints. Or why numerous witnesses would swear under oath that they saw me stealing it.

I’m forced to admit that cynicism is right.

Agree that the first year is too easy? Are students being babysat? Join the debate on the Vision Facebook application! Add your comments at www.yorkvision.co.uk

Some people have mildly weird fetishes, such as those to do with feet, but mine is more violent. And bloody. And satisfying. It all began one cold wintry evening and students were running amok in the town centre. I’d already made 4 trips to the Uni – 2 of which were prank calls – and one student had even brought up his dinner all over his mates’ lap in my cab. I, too, was sick – of students! My bad mood that night was worsened when I was waiting outside the Gallery and saw a group of rowdy lads jeering at a beggar sitting near a cash point. They were teasing him with notes and one even spat at him. Then one of them hailed my cab, and that was when I snapped and the fetish took off. I wanted to knock him over, like a bowling pin, and teach him a lesson. So I revved the car and mounted the curb, catching the little toe rag by surprise. I definitely clipped him, enough to give him a scare without damaging my cab, and as I sped off the tramp let out a noise, hopefully one of gratitude. My student-bashing obsession had now begun. I remember feeling a sense of justice and fulfillment after this little episode, and couldn’t wait to repeat it. Most of my fellow cabbies feel the same way, but I’m the only one who has dared to do anything about it. While most just moan over a fag, I actively go out scaring the scrawny buggers. The next time I put my foot down and charged at a student was a few months later outside Ziggy’s. It was about half 1, and I was bored of watching the usual Wednesday night chaos of sick, saliva and shrieking. So I drove off down the street, without any passengers, and aimed at the gaggle of girls staggering across the road. If anyone saw the scene it probably looked like drunken students acting dangerously and me swerving to avoid ‘em, but actually it was me acting dangerously and them swerving! I’ll be honest – it gave me a thrill. I enjoyed it. Really enjoyed it. It happened another twice over the next few months, when I was bored, annoyed at students or in need of a kick. I know it’s wrong, but I haven’t seriously hurt anyone. Yet. I think. And more importantly, my cab is completely undamaged, so it’s fine. Just tell your readers – the next time they’re out on the town, watch out for a crazy taxi driver ‘cos it could be them I aim my wheels at next…

As told to Mike Sims

14 FEATURES

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4 2008

FEATURES

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

IS BRITISH TELLY DOOMED?

As media and the BBC change, what does the future look like for British television? Joseph Burnham sits down with John Lloyd - the producer of ‘Blackadder’, ‘Not the Nine O’clock News’, ‘QI’, and frequent collaborator with the late Douglas Adams.

Is it harder to find work in the television industry now, with the emergence of the internet and other media formats? Well there’s a lot more telly then there was when I started in 1979 – so, in theory, there should be a lot more work - but I’d certainly say that there’s less work of quality. The big shift in this happened in my lifetime… the BBC was set up as a public service institution to ‘educate, inform and entertain’ – and it set the agenda for the rest of the radio and television media, so ITV had to keep up its standards because the BBC was setting such a high bar. Something happened under Mrs Thatcher, where she basically set out (along with Rupert Murdock) to disable the BBC which was seen by the Tories as a – you know, Pinko [communist] hotbed, and she didn’t like the BBC at all. And Murdock offered very good reasons when Sky came in to remove its amazing power, and so a sort of campaign was started to chip away at the BBC moral authority, and to say it was elitist, partitioned, old fashioned, stuffy and bureaucratic.

and any big organisation – like a post office or whatever - tends to be a little bit slow to move. But on the other hand, it was founded on amazingly strong moral and ethical principles. And that was where I was trained – to go and make programmes – not programmes

you get great successes. And now I would say that the great majority of people that work in television, perhaps 70% of them, hate it. Because they’re making trashy stuff; it’s a living, it’s glamorous being in the media. It’s more glamorous than perhaps working in a dentist or something, but it’s very dispiriting. Yo u ’ r e making a lot of television pro-

Everyone’s trying to get, for some reason, the kind of people that hang outside the off license with their caps on backwards

And what do you think of that? The thing is, obviously, it’s a large organisation,

Photo: Juliet Burns and Terry Li

that try to guess what other people like, but to make programmes that we liked. The programmes that one used to make in the '70s and '80s were made, by and large, by the heart. And now there’s this kinda pseudo democratic idea that we have to have focus groups and find out what people want – there’s this idea that working people are different to the people in the BBC, or ITV or television. I don’t know where this idea comes from, because my whole experience of broadcasting is – if you make programmes for yourself – you don’t patronise the audience,

grammes that are really valueless. There’s less opinion, you know. Documentaries 25 years ago – a team would set out to try to discover the truth about something – they would craft it, and they would come up with a view – they’d say ‘this is what we think should be done’. The average documentary now is a reality show where you take two people that don’t get on and you basically film them shouting at each other and then you stop. It’s kinda fruitless really.

The thing is, I wish I’d had the chance to produce 'Big Brother' when it started, because it’s a fantastically interesting social experiment. As this new [David] Blunkett thing could be – ‘Banged up with David Blunkett’ – where they’re going to get half a dozen ASBO kids and stick them in prison and get old lags to lecture them on how they ought to go straight. It does well, but it’s the culture of ‘Heat Magazine’, you know, that everybody’s like a chavvy 16 year old. Everyone’s trying to get, for some reason, the kind of people that hang outside the off license with their caps on backwards – it’s considered really important to get those people. And actually you don’t get young people by trying to do what young people like, you’ll always miss it. You think of a show like ‘Blackadder’ that goes on appealing to people of all ages and all classes, appeals to an amazingly wide demographic – lots of teenagers like it, lots of nine year olds like it. It’s because it’s a paradox – it ought to be the case that public service broadcasters try to find out what people want and give it to them, but actually the paradox is that the way to give people what they really like, is to give people what ‘You’ [the producer] want. And then it’s sincere and honest.

Do you think that a lot of the work you’ve done with the BBC wouldn’t work in America because of the format, you couldn’t do as many experimental things? The best of America television is stunningly good and always has been – you think of ‘House’ or ‘Friends’ or ‘Cheers’, or ‘24’ or ‘West Wing’ – ‘The Simpsons’ is probably the greatest television programme ever made. It’s like Hollywood movies – a lot of it is crap, but there’s nothing better than a great Hollywood movie. I really do think that the media has lost its way. The people I served in the BBC when I was young had a view about what the BBC stood for and what kind of country we

wanted to see, and what kind of culture we wanted to live in. And it was, admittedly, a middle class view that education was a good thing and actually you wanted to create a culture with valuable stuff that was worth seeing and listening to, and so on. And now that leadership doesn’t really exist in television – the p e o p l e that run telly are really in it as a kind of career move. So there isn’t really a tradition of public service in television anymore.

I don't watch televison at all; I think I'm pretty typical

And you believe that tradition would be a lot harder to establish in America? I think that the free market culture

in America is too deeply rooted. I’ll give you an example – when I came to television from radio, I was given six blank half hours and told to go and meet another producer on current affairs. And that became ‘Not the Nine O’clock News’. It’s inconceivable that anybody would get six blank h a l f h o u r s without a pilot nowad a y s . Because the BBC had so m u c h power a n d was so extraordinarily influential it c o u l d do what it liked r e a l l y, and so if they wanted to take a big risk they did. That doesn’t happen anymore, everybody’s very cautious, no one wants to make a mistake. So you get some very pusillanimous and cowardly programmes to start with, and then it’s all gone over by committees of people, all trying to change it, make it more bland and not upset anybody. So you get a lot of stuff that’s just not very colourful I think. It’s not all bad, of course, there’s always good stuff.

I was considered quite mad - my father thought I had gone a bit crazy, either become a communist or a homosexual or even both!

If this trend continues, where do you see this all going? I think a lot of people in telly think it’s dead as a medium. But what will replace it is difficult to say. ‘Spitting Image’, that I made in the '80s, used to get 15 million viewers on a Sunday night, 'QI 'gets 2 and a half – where have all those people gone? The idea

What are your thoughts on the reality TV rise? Is it okay in moderation?

Photo: Juliet Burns and Terry Li

is that they’re actually watching Nickelodeon or MTV or BBC3 – they’re not. People don’t watch television in the same way. When my dad was my age, he used to come home from the office every night, turn the telly on, and he had his radio times, and he’d watch television all evening in between r e a d ing 'The

Telegraph'. I don’t watch television at all; I think I’m really typical. I don’t believe anybody could watch a whole evening of television - I think the standard is so poor, so they’ve gone somewhere else. And one place they’ve certainly gone is the net. Sort of Facebooky things. I really hate to be bleak like this, but obviously what I am trying to do in my little area is trying to teach people to make telly the way I was taught. So I think there is hope. I don’t want to be too bleak about it - [things] will always right themselves. For example you have a culture where small traders shops are closing everywhere and huge supermarkets are opening, eventually people get sick of that and they want to see a real cheese shop, and that starts to come back and I think a lot of the media is so poor it

will right itself. I think that the problem is that when I joined the BBC I was considered quite mad - my father thought I had gone a bit crazy, either become a communist or a homosexual or even both! And most of my friends from university went into banking or law, and I was considered rather an exotic creature. Now of course it’s the coolest thing you can do oddly because the programmes aren’t as interesting but it’s very cool to work in the media and that’s one way to do it and there is always room for talent. I have faith that people generally like ‘good stuff ’ and if people like it there will be a market for it, so whether you decide to start from the bottom as a runner or whether you decide to make little films for 'Youtube', the only trick of it is determination. I mean I am not any sort of a genius – I’m just very stubborn and I don’t like to come last so I just always tend to work very hard instead of quitting after a disastrous first series. So that would be the other thing, I would say don’t give up, it’s the same if you are writing a novel. Before they make their big hit they would have 15 rejections in the bottom drawer. Think of Harry Potter, who was turned down by all but the last one. And if you have got that you probably will succeed but in my view most people give up too early. Like I have written 3 letters with no luck I’ll go and get a job driving buses. John Lloyd is currently working on the radio programme ‘The Museum of Curiosity’, and will continue to produce the next series of QI later this year.

SCENE

Mar 08 Issue 14

, s r e t s e n e c S Hey ! s i h t d rea

PLUS: Petite Anglaise / Lightspeed Champion / Richard Bean and more

SPOTLIGHT

MUSIC

FILM

BOOKS

CULTURE

LISTINGS

The Cribs Lightspeed Champion

Richard Bean

Petite Anglaise

SCENE

It's a name to strike fear into the hearts of every English Lit student at York. Dare I speak it? Dare I even whisper it? Well, it begins with an 'M' and rhymes with 'Ary Luckhurst'. Advance with caution, for she of Drama Handbook authorship is interviewed in this issue of Scene. Cynical skinflint that I am, I never bought it. I hear none of us ever used it for academic purposes. Doorstops though, that's an entirely different kettle of fish. Seafood and misuse of J.B.Morrell property aside, surely someone who writes a book on the subject should be capable of writing a jolly good play, non? Our culture editor found out; however, like most of my department, I will be avoiding York Theatre Royal to prevent my scandalous failure to purchase the entire reading list being discovered. Where did I put that balaclava?

Mar 08 Issue 14

Scene Editor: Naomi Lever Music Editor: Camille Augarde Music Deputy: Michael Regan Film Editor: Andrew Nichols Film Deputy Editor: Alison Kjeldgaard TV Editor: Scott Bryan Culture Editor: Anna Wormleighton Culture Deputy Editor: Zoe Stones Books Editor: Samantha Cowley Books Deputy Editor: Harriet Jennings Listings Editor: Sophie Sabin

Film Reviews

It's rather unfortunate that I have to go into hiding just now really. How on earth will my ears be fondly caressed by the tunes of the eccentrically flurorescent would-be superhero Lightspeed Champion? Underground bunkers aren't particularly accommodating when it comes to internet access so I can't find out about controversial Blogger Petite Anglaise. City Screen won't set up a mini branch just for me to watch 'Rambo' (on second thoughts, I think I'll survive that one). You lot can though. You can read our lovely latest edition of Scene and be inspired to read, watch, listen all sorts of delightful things. Consumed with jealousy however, I'm going to panic, buy Pot Noodles, wear my pigtails as a moustache and head underground. Hi ho, hi ho, it's into the earth I go ...

Naomi Lever.

INTERVIEW

MUSIC

FILM

BOOKS

CULTURE

LISTINGS

Camille Augarde interviews:

THE CRIBS

or as long as the word “indie” has been a part our vocabulary, there has been a six-handed crusade to make “indie bands” dispose of their “mainstream mindsets”. Deliberately signing to a small, independent label; becoming a touring machine; and singing so hard that their faces give blood, the campaigners are a walking help pamphlet of how this might be achieved. The faces behind these philanthropic efforts are those of brothers Gary, Ryan, and Ross Jarman. Together they are The Cribs: a musical gang which, with a pan and a set of spoons, was founded on a kitchen floor in Wakefield. Back then when they were whipper-snappers, the dog wasn’t allowed in to contribute a harmonious yelp, and the back door was bolted to ensure that spotty-four-eyes from over the road didn’t try to muscle in on their beats with his mum’s cheese grater. Now one of the most important indie rock bands of our generation, the same rule applies: they keep themselves to their tight-knit selves. Jaws at Leeds University dislocated to infinity and beyond therefore when, rather than launching into their traditional set closer ‘I’m a Realist’, Ryan chinked his Carling bottle for attention: “alright Leeds, this is our hometown, and I want you to give a hometown welcome to Mister Johnny Marr”. For those at the back, I shall repeat: the ex-Smiths guitarist has been asked, and has agreed, to play onstage with the Yorkshire trio. Also now back in public where it belongs is The Smiths’ classic single

‘Panic’. What a field day Alanis Morissette would have had over this choice of collaboration, for it induced a fanfare of asthma attacks, severed limbs and regurgitated beer to colourfully parade through the crowd. Bringing up the rear of this procession of panic (ohh, isn’t it ironic... ) is a battalion of stretchers. This wheeling out of a sizeable chunk of the withering crowd leaves a-a-a-gap through which the onstage antics can be spied. When playing the sacred anthem ‘Panic’, most bands, should they not be too terrified to manhandle it at all, would feel the need to curb any Yorkshire yowls to more sensitive, Morrissey-like moans. But come on, these are The Cribs we’re talking about. Up against a brick wall the original is slung, and a good, rock n roll rollicking it’s given. Instead of limping away into the shadows of humiliation however, the mashed up result is bold, gutsy and unquestionably Crib-shaped. In a mere three minutes the very essence of The Cribs is captured.

After the dust from the stampede has settled, I speak with singer and bass player, Gary Jarman, and ask the question on everyone’s lips: how and why is there now a fourth Crib? As fast as his northern drawl will allow, he gushes excitedly: “it’s just incredible for us really; we’re being joined by our favourite guitarist”. Rewinding, Jarman explains that he and his brothers bumped into Marr at a barbeque in Portland (as you do). “We all happened to be staying in this one place and we just got on really, really well”. Aside from taking him on tour with them therefore, the Jarmans invited Marr to spend some quality time in the studio. “There will be a collaborative record at some point” Gary reveals, hesitantly. Understandably wary about letting the cat out of the bag at this early stage, he explains “we don’t know when or what kind of scale it’s going to be on because we’ve just been concerning ourselves with the writing. But that’s been going good so far” he assures. “Playing together was just the next obvious step. It’s not like we officially approached each other and shook hands or anything like that” he laughs.

THIS TOUR IS BEING LABELLED AS THE CRIBS' "VICTORY LAP"

SPOTLIGHT

MUSIC

FILM

BOOKS

CULTURE

LISTINGS

the crowds to be so violent”. This negative side of having a die-hard fan base aside, Gary is eager to convey what a crucial role they have played in their success. He describes The Cribs as “an independently minded band” which, despite sounding exciting, isn’t really a mindset that helps sell millions

RYAN SLICED HIS BACK OPEN ON RICKY WILSON'S PLATE OF PHEASANT of records. If you want to befriend the charts, you have to go a-tapping on Mrs Mainstream’s door. Usually that is. “We haven’t encouraged any commercial push or advertising,” Gary reveals. In this case, how exactly did their recently released album 'Men’s Needs, Women’s Needs, Whatever' manage to shoot to number thirteen in the UK charts? “I believe the reason why we’ve now found ourselves in this mainstream position is because we already had a big fan base. The reason we’ve gone high up in the charts has got nothing to do with the media or anything else, it’s because of our loyal followers. We’re a band who were very underground, but have gradually got bigger just by word of mouth. It’s kind of cool how it’s got to the point where people just can’t ignore us anymore”. It is the Jarman’s DIY touring ethic which is responsible for this monster fan base and unasked for commercial success. Rather than locking themselves in a mansion in the Scottish Highlands for two years whilst they approached that make or break second album, The Cribs toured independently when they were supposed to be writing. “We were just starting out and we were from a small town where nothing much went on. We only really got our musical inspiration from being away and being out on the road. Plus we were just plain bored”. The outcome of these monstrous touring stints is a fan base mighty enough to fill the largest stadiums in Britain. Despite this, The Cribs regularly return to their base, playing intimate venues such as Brudenell Social Club and Wakefield Escobar. This desire to cling to their underground roots is what separates them from the “mainstream mindset”s of their indie peers, who wouldn’t be caught dead playing a venue smaller than Brixton Academy. As Gary points out, “people really appreciate it when you come to their town. If you look at most big bands’ touring schedules, a lot of places get overlooked, they’re not on the regular touring route which is a shame because it means that there’s not very much going on in these places.” The Cribs is a rare example of a band who are in the music business for their fans, rather than because their stylist reckons they can make them Bono. Their music has beguiled an ex-Smiths member, they sweat blood onstage, and “touring” towers high above “writing for record sales” on their to do list. The Cribs are a sharp reminder that the word “indie” stands for independence.

"THIS ISN'T FUCKING FOOTBALL" The Cribs behaving formally? Please. One of the only times that required the trio to whack out an ironing board was for the 2006 NME Award ceremony, and even then Ryan nosedived across the Kaiser Chiefs’ table and sliced his back open on Ricky Wilson’s plate of pheasant. He was promptly escorted to casualty, only to be found a few hours later by Zane Lowe at the after party, lying in his own blood on the floor. Yes, you only have to listen to The Cribs’ lyrics, which reminisce about disorientated moments such as when “you left me on the street, talking to drains” (‘Mirror Kisses’) and warn that “when I’m drunk I can be an arsehole” (You’re Gonna Lose Us) to learn that the boys like more than one lump of sugar in their tea on a Friday night. The image of Johnny Marr, a well-to-do, middle-aged man fitting into this lad-shaped equation is a downright bizarre one, isn’t it? “Nah it’s not” Gary replies, earnestly. “He’s fitting in fantastically. Aside from the fact that he’s an incredible musician, he fits in well because he’s one of our best mates. He feels like a member of the band rather than a ‘special guest’ or something”. Good heavens, what would Morrissey say... These gigs are part of the NME Awards Tour, a tour designed to circulate four bands which NME reckon you should be keeping your eyes peeled for. On the bill beneath headliners, The Cribs, are hotly tipped newcomers Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong, Does It Offend You Yeah? and The Ting Tings. Being picked for the tour is something of a big deal, and one which has in the past aided the immigration of previous participants such as Arctic Monkeys, Klaxons and Maximo Park from Hypesville to the Brits. A different spin has been put on this year’s tour however, as The Cribs are not the new kids on the block, but an overwhelmingly successful band who have released three critically acclaimed albums since 2004. Consequently, the press are labelling the tour as the band’s “victory lap”. Gary appears extremely comfortable with the situation, explaining that “this tour is significant to us in the fact that normally it would be like the ‘hot new band’ or whatever to headline. But we can front this tour and not have to go through any of the bullshit that other previous buzz band headliners have. This is our audience. The other three bands have only really got one single out, which means that the audience are primarily our fans”. This firm declaration that his band have stolen the show before the gig-goers have even been wrist-banded sounds nothing short of arrogant. But if you happened to have been at one the gigs, you will know that it’s the absolute truth. For example, Joe Lean and the Jing Jang Jong went down like a tonne of bricks with the Leeds crowd last night, and guitarist Tom’s projectile vomiting midset really didn’t sooth matters. Over-powering the London-based band’s “shoop shoop”s were deafening cries of “Yoooorkhire! Yoooorkshire!” This resulted in Joe et al slamming down their instruments and giving the icy audience the finger as they stormed offstage. Gary is adamant that the crowd’s stubborn behaviour was not due to a poor performance from the Jing Jong boys, but to what he calls “the double-edged sword”. “We definitely have a passionate fan base up north, and I think some people have this warped view that heckling the other bands is a way of showing support for us. Don’t get me wrong, we’re so proud that we have these hardcore fans, but it’s really upsetting when it crosses over to being disrespectful and loutish. This isn’t fucking football; we’re not supposed to hate the other team. It makes me so angry. Obviously it’s a drag for me because I’m really not that kind of guy. I’ve never been a sports fan for one thing” he laughs. He lets out a lengthy sigh, before remembering “I was talking to Johnny (Marr) about it and he said exactly the same thing went on with The Smiths. His band were very poetic and fair, so it was very strange for them as well. He just couldn’t understand why they provoked that kind of reaction, and I also sometimes struggle to see what it is our “art” that causes

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justice MANCHESTER ACADEMY 2

Justice wasted no time throwing all their favourites into a non-stop remix; as expected the fans exploded on mass to ‘D.A.N.C.E.’, ‘DVNO’ and the club staple ‘We Are Your Friends’. While the main show certainly delivered, it was the encore that truly singled out Justice as so much more than the gritty protégés of Daft Punk. A searing medley of their hits as well as a remix of Metallica’s ‘Master of Puppets’ made the night more than worth the price. Justice may be a flavour of the month but their chic beats and their coarse sense of bohemia show a definite potential for surviving beyond the zeitgeist.

anchester Academy 2 seems to balance inexplicably between being a commercial and subversive venue; what was effectively a grimy warehouse covered in NME posters provided the perfect place for Justice to try and propel their dirty electronic beats out of the underground and into the mainstream. Support came in the form of Fancy, yet another ‘rawk ‘n’ roll’ band heavily reliant on their ‘eccentric’ front man. The singer was vaguely reminiscent of ‘Thriller’ era Jacko and the only notable song of their limp set was an amped up cover of The Pointer Sisters' ‘I’m so excited’. By the time Justice came to the stage the whole crowd was adorned with free glow sticks shaped like the duo’s enigmatic cross. Opening with the foreboding ‘Genesis’ the crowd were quickly sucked into the intense beats and disjointed synth.

JOSEPH McDERMOTT

HOT CHIP LEEDS UNIVERSITY 15-02-08

ART BRUT YORK FIBBERS

It's the first night of Hot Chip’s tour and you can definitely feel it in the air. Trend-setters gather in the Refectory of Leeds University and await the gig which could make or break their reputation as an extraordinary live act. Matt Read’s energetic half hour sets up the atmosphere nicely as he delivers a combination of electronic sounds and

MIKE REGAN

catchy beats, even bringing out the maracas to really round off the first half of the evening. The mood is very un-gig-like: the music played between sets is actually good and gives the impression of being in a club rather than a converted University gig venue. Once Hot Chip take to the stage the club atmosphere is only heightened as they completely engulf themselves in the set, spreading old and new adequately enough to keep the crowd interested. 'Boy From School' (from second album 'The Warning') is built up for ages, always a nice alternative to the usual album version. The band are happy to be playing again as this is the first night of a tour set to last over a year, and the fact that they have picked their hometown to start it all off in makes it mean all the more. They are completely on form and you especially notice this when they play new single 'Ready for the Floor', where everything just seems to come together - band and crowd dancing as enthusiastically as each other. Rounding it all off is the second album favourite 'Over and Over', which provides a perfect end to a pretty awesome evening. Hot Chip’s reputation is safe for now.

VERONIQUE WARD

PETE AND THE PIRATES

17-02-08 uring the far too short to be necessary encore break in this, one of the final gigs of Art Brut’s UK Tour, the band’s hardcore cult fan bases roar "Art Brut Top of the Pops". The closing refrain from one of their most loved songs is typical of the irony of Eddy Argos and Co. Art Brut are not a band with mass appeal, and they never will be as their songs are straight out of the underground and in reality it is difficult to see them commanding massively larger stages than the one which Eddie Argos tonight describes as "like playing inside a television". Yet Art Brut are wonderfully adept at this sort of thing, they just give us a rollicking good indie night out. They throw in ‘ Formed a band’ and ‘ Direct Hit’ early on and have the crowd immediately dancing away. But it isn’t really the songs which endears you to Art Brut, it is their uber charismatic frontman Eddie Argos. Whether pogoing with the crowd or throwing in Smiths’ lyrics at the end of a song, his performance carries a band that is musically rather average. More quirky than a novelty, Art Brut will never have a mass following but to the already converted they have the ability to put on a thoroughly enjoyable show.

07-02-08

YORK FIBBERS 14-02-08

t’s Valentine’s Day at Fibbers. The pair next to me are getting off, and I’m waiting for five men from Reading to come on stage. It’s times like this that I’m one bad song away from Shane Macgowanesque levels of excess: ten double sambuccas and waking up in the gutter covered in generic Northern slag’s/my own/Kirsty McCall doppelganger’s effluence. But it doesn’t come to that. Thank god that Pete and the Pirates are good, as well as endearingly strange. They’re like thirteen year old boys at their first disco: all nervous smiles and in-jokes; they even have self-drawn T-shirts. And they get around in a red van called Judy. What’s not to like? It’s post-punk with the Ps and Qs, the Young Knives (who incidentally they’ve toured with) without quite the serrated edge. Tommy Sanders’s nonchalant heartfelt vocals compliment the guitar-stomping “get-up-and-dance” music heard in 'Come on Feet' and 'Knots'; the lyrics stand out meaningfully (and sometimes mournfully) too, above those of generic indie “hormonies”. The closest thing they sound like is The Futureheads and Coldplay fighting in a tumbledrier. As my heart began racing at about 300 beats per minutes, it wasn’t the couples copping off left, right and centre, but their amped-up, riff-riddled indie-pop causing palpitations and good sensations. Their new album 'Little Death' is out too, and it should be a good ‘un. Championed by the mighty Mr Lamacq and featured on BBC Switch, here’s hoping that Pete and the Pirates can sail through the choppy waters of the indie fringes onto the acclaim and calm beyond.

ANDY McGRATH

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EELS

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Mike Regan

MEET THE EELS: ESSENTIAL EELS VOL.1 - OUT NOW

s far as musical stereotypes go Mark ‘E’ Everett has pretty much written the book on the tortured genius. We can hear it on every track on the album; never will you have heard such melancholic lyrics sung in a major key. Each track contains the distinctive hallmarks of Eels though still retains the disparate and diffuse style of the traditional studio albums. The album opens on ‘Novocaine For The Soul’ and manages not only to begin the chronology but also set the tone; almost sweet trebles tinged with a rough, raw and misanthropic edge. But there in lies the charm of Eels, the quiet cynicism and ugly reality all accompanied so well by smooth melodies and tense guitars. It is an irresistible formula that has attracted much commercial attention with songs such as ‘Fresh Feeling’ being recognisable from TV’s Scrubs or three of the tracks having contributed to the various Shrek films. There is however so much more to this album than the ability to conjure up pop culture nostalgia Slow burners like ‘Climbing To The Moon’ or ‘It’s A Motherfucker’ provide a perfect counterpoint to the grungier ‘Souljacker pt. 1’ and ‘Saturday Morning’. The way the harsh riffs and exquisite strings can mingle so well on the album is testament to how carefully it was compiled and makes it so much more than an the other average singles collections which litter the shop shelves. And if this hasn’t convinced you to buy it then track fifteen’s lunatic cover of Missy Elliot’s ‘Get Ur Freak On’ is more than worth the asking price!

✰✰✰✰✰ JOSEPH McDERMOTT

Duffy 'Mercy' OUT NOW Welsh soul songstress Duffy has been touted as the next Amy Winehouse, but this comparison has some immediate problems. Firstly, as a person she is overwhelmingly dull: ‘I just like to spend time by myself ’ she moans in a recent interview. And secondly, whilst Amy’s band compliment her perfectly with wonderfully dirty and soulful jams, Duffy’s soaring voice is disastrously out of kilter with a tune that sounds like the theme music to 'Deal or no Deal'. She can sing, but unless she gets some new songwriters and possibly a new personality, then Duffy may just be a flash in the pan.

The Enemy 'This Song is About You' 03/03/08

Rather ridiculously this is the seventh single to be released from The Enemy’s mega selling debut album. And ‘This song is about you’ continues their impressive strike rate, in that there are no signs that The Enemy are scraping the barrel just yet . Whilst some of their early singles cribbed Manics style sloganeering, but without the intelligence, this one heads straight for the emotional jugular. With Tom Clarke’s empathising "most of the kids you grew up with were pushing prams by the time they were just 16", The Enemy have taken another step to converting those who doubt their sincerity.

Does It Offend You, Yeah?

'We Are Rockstars' 10/03/08

THE KING BLUES

HOT CHIP MADE IN THE DARK OUT NOW

UNDER THE FOG 03-03-08

trutting out from under the shadow of THAT song in their geometric jumpers and shiny spectacles, Hot Chip’s new album is all about understated disco and fluorescent dilemmas. Yes, you might even play it ‘Over and Over’. But the five-piece from London have a whole new outlook. It’s not about numbers, repetition and beats. Now you’ve gotta be ‘Ready for the Floor’ so put on your sparkly shoes, your going-out glasses and your very nicest tank top..and umm throw some shapes. That’s what the girls want… The public may not have recognised the band’s talent for unadulterated disco or their taste in jumpers first time round but faultless tunes like ‘Out At The Pictures’ and ‘Ready For The Floor’ shape an album that is even better than the first, and mainly of the band’s newfound need to prove themselves. “I wanna kneeslide up and down, you’re gonna see my thigh” isn’t the first thing you think you’d hear from lead singer, Joe Goddard, and his pasty limbs, but songs like ‘Bendable Poseable’ and ‘Touch Too Much’ don’t let him down. The techno rhythms of the songs, and yet devoted, sweet lyrics, make Goddard seem quite attractive really. Hot Chip could never be a ‘Touch Too Much’. These aren’t coldhearted, tetris playing geeks, judged by society and thrown into the cold. They have heart. And so should you. So dance around to their computer-jangly melodic album ‘cos being a geek in love has never been so good.

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HOLLIE PRICE

t's the end of term; I’m starting to miss home and the thoughts of a return to Oxfordshire couldn’t be further from my mind. Maybe the connotations of “blues music" reflected my mood. Seemingly desperate times call for seemingly desperate measures and I decided to play The King Blues' CD, 'Under the Fog'. What better song to start with than the first track on the disc, 'Intro'. The melody of the music was uplifting and the anti-war stance of the song refreshing, but the lyrics deepened my sense of growing depression: one doesn’t want to hear songs with the names President Bush and Saddamn Hussein mentioned in them after 19:00. For those unacquainted with The King Blues, their music portrays a balanced view of modern life. Their song 'Mr Music Man' has a Reggae feel to it; it is relaxing and the rhythm briefly uplifted my spirits before the introduction of the following song, 'Come Fi Di Youth', which reminded me of the whaling sound a foghorn makes, led to me reaching for my Harribo supply. The following song 'The Sound of Revolt' improved my mood. The name of the song 'Duck and Cover' had an ominous feel to it, but it was a relaxing track. If I needed any reminder of the fact that the remainder of my student loan was practically non-existent, the song 'If I had a coin' gave me that. Like I said before, this album is a sober reminder of the problems of modern civilisation. Powerful stuff.

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ROBERT ROMANS

For two weeks the light in my room has been broken, when switched on it flickers endlessly. So when I play this song, drink far too much and turn my light on, it feels like its 1988 again. No, it’s not Fatima Whitbread winning the Olympic Silver medal; it’s a rave! And it really isn’t a gimmick, not a scheme to make average bands sell records, but a genuine thumping raving masterpiece condensed into three very radio unfriendly minutes. Brilliant.

Editors

'Push Your Head Towards The Air' OUT NOW Rather than an attempt to corner the Coldplay sized gap in the market, which is labelled gloomy, dull stadium rock, Editors' latest single is almost Elbowesque in its melancholic brilliance. Turning their back once and for all on the angular guitars of their debut, ‘Push Your Head Towards The Air’ is a haunting, ethereal gem. Lets face it, if Edith Bowman hasn’t cheered up Tom Smith then nothing will. So we may as well just except they are eternally gloomy and let us bask in the fact that they are also rather good.

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QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE

LIVE

LEEDS UNIVERSITY 10-02-08

ueens of the Stone Age turn sweaty, hairy rock into something unexpected. They make it sexy. Don’t get me wrong, there are still plenty of the usual deodorant-dodging rockers in the audience, hooked on QOTSA from their heavier album 'Songs for the Deaf'. But the Queens themselves have evolved from this adolescence into something quite beautiful. Fronted by “front-man-of-the-year”, one Mr. Josh Homme, it feels like he is performing for you and you only; hell the guy takes requests. Not since Desperate Dan has anyone worked a lumberjack shirt like this. This is the third occasion that I have seen QOTSA in under a year, and they did not disappoint. They don’t believe in keeping their setlists the same. Having seen them play a mud bath of a field, a converted theatre and now Leeds Union (set up more like a school corridor than a gig venue), the band have shown themselves to be equal to any venue. Dipping into their last album they played songs such as 'Battery Acid' and 'Make It Wit Chu', ensuring any recent fans of the band did not go home unhappy. Classic tracks from 'Songs for the Deaf', 'Lullabies To Paralyse', 'Rated R' and their eponymous debut were also pounded out with equal and awesome aplomb. Each album appears to appeal to a different fanbase; rockers mingle with Topshop scene kids, whilst your dad’s next to the emo bedwetter. QOTSA’s live show is a much needed slap in the face to current music trends that are dictated by image or genre.

SARAH STRETTON

MORRISSEY

JACK JOHNSON

GREATEST HITS

SLEEP THROUGH THE STATIC

OUT NOW

h, Greatest Hits albums. An easy way to attract new fans, or a way to rip off the old ones? Sadly, this album – Morrissey’s sixth (!) solo compilation album – seems to be a clear case of the latter. So, starting with his first post-The Smiths single, 'Suedehead', this album contains 3 singles from the eighties, a solitary single from the nineties ('The More You Ignore Me, The Closer You Get' the sole representative from the five albums he released in that decade), and a grand total of nine singles from the present decade. If you’re looking for an overview of his career, this really isn’t it, with more than half the songs on the album coming from his two most recent - and most successful - albums, 'You Are The Quarry' and 'Ringleader Of The Tormentors', with the vast majority of his career completely ignored. In addition, there are two new tracks included. Is it worth buying the album just for these? Well, no. Both 'That’s How People Grow Up' and 'All You Need Is Me' are Morrissey-by-numbers: not bad, but not great either, and certainly not worth the cost of an entire album. Based purely on the quality of the songs, this is a good album, with all the tracks demonstrating why Morrissey is regarded as one of this country’s finest lyricists. But it could have been so much better, and it’s hard to see it as anything other than a cynical way of making more money out of his fans

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NICOLA SARD

OUT NOW

ack Johnson’s fourth album delivers up a mish-mash of easy listening, cosy folk music with a hint of R‘n’B. Including the single 'If I Had Eyes', it ambles along at walking pace without ever really going anywhere. Whether this is a bad thing is of course in the ear of the listener; as an album to relax to, perhaps to put on in the background while meeting friends for a coffee, it ticks all the boxes. Yet many of the songs are similar, and for an avid music listener it can lack that little bit of excitement that would give one the urge/desire to listen again. Some songs are growers, for example, 'If I had Eyes', 'Hope' and the slightly faster title track with its underlying groove and piano accompaniment which emphasises the song’s more tragic message about war. However, despite a few hum-a-long tracks, much of the album is filler rather than substance, with often predictable and cheesy lyrics: "She gives me presents with her presence alone" on 'Angel' and "Down comes the rain/Down go our spirits again" on 'Losing Keys'. Guitar solos are kept simple and instrumental input is minimal, a technique that works for artists like Willy Mason and Damien Rice, but this record lacks the rawness that these musicians produce, sounding a little too polished to merit any close listening, and henceforth destined, I fear, to indeed be only ‘put on in the background'.

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LAURA SOOLEY

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♥ LIGHTSPEED CHAMPION VISION

CAMILLE AUGARDE TELLS YOU WHY: He practically bleeds fluoro.

You think Klaxons birthed the generation of fluorescent adolescents? Think again. “NME wrote that, but they just make stuff up to fit the article” reveals Dev Hynes, aka Lightspeed Champion. Armed with neon baseball caps, pink guitars and equally as blinding beats, it was in fact his former band, Test Icicles, who spearheaded the movement. And it’s no coincidence that it was Hynes’ former flatmate, Simon Taylor-Davis, who went on to form Klaxons. Rent a flat with thicker walls or turn your amp down next time, Dev.

He’s a fashion forecaster.

The moment the glow-craze truly kicked off and bands such as CSS, New Young Pony Club and Klaxons hit the scene, Dev ditched the luminous look. His new wardrobe features a bearskin hat, monster-rimmed spectacles and “the shrumper”: “a jumper with a shirt sewed in underneath it. It was £6 from Debenhams. Awesome right?” he beams. Coming soon to a Topshop near you...

The Incredible Hulk and Batman ain’t got nothin’ on him.

“Lightspeed Champion was the name of the hero in a comic strip I did when I was thirteen in the back of my maths book” he explains, struggling to peer over his Peter Parker glasses. “I love comics. After Test Icicles split up I applied for a job in a shop on Tottenham Court Road called Orbital Comics. Why? Because I didn’t think anyone would want to hear my new songs.”

He reckons modesty is the best policy.

Ten Dev Hynes faces beam out of every WHSmith magazine aisle across the nation. Upon flipping any of these covers over you will discover that 'Falling off the Lavender Bridge', is "the definitive album of the year! A true masterpiece!" By now you’d have thought the head of Domino Records’ hottest property would have inflated to such a weight that it would have lollopped over and asphyxiated him. “Actually, if I’m being completely honest, I think I’m receiving more attention than I deserve” he whispers. “My album’s really not that amazing. It’s kind of boring, don’t you think?” You’re on your own there, Dev.

He wrote that album.

Armed with nothing but memories and an acoustic guitar, Dev Hynes made the most raw, heartfelt debut album we’ve heard since well, ever. The “strictly autobiographical” lyrics, which he wrote in one straight stint on a flight from Detroit to London tell of dark times such as losing his virginity (‘I Could Have Done This Myself ’), splitting up with his girlfriend (‘Everyone I Know Is Listening To Crunk’), and his struggle with alcohol (‘Galaxy of The Lost’). “The songs are this honest and exposing because I didn’t think anyone would ever hear them. They were all written before the idea of an album was conceived, but then Domino asked if I wanted to make one so I used them. Now that I know how many people have heard it there are some things I wish I hadn’t said, and I really struggle to sing some of the lines” he shudders. Sadly, he then reveals: “I’m now very aware that the next album will be heard, so I’m writing in perspectives that are obviously mine but that are cloaked in really thickly veiled metaphors.”

He’s not going to do a Kooks or a Kaiser Chiefs and spend ten years writing a second album.

“I write all the time, every day, every second. I don’t even know how many songs I’ve written in the last three or four years.” Describing Panic at the Disco’s new single as “fucking immense!” before eagerly telling of how “I wrote a weird, calypso-reggae song last night”, it’s difficult to tell what direction his next album will take. “I don’t really decide the route, I just write loads of songs and let it decide for itself. Whatever I write most of I’ll put out. But I’m also aware that everyone’s gonna hate the next album. I have all the songs, I just know that no one’s going to like them.” If this is the case then we’ll eat our bearskin hats, which we’ll all undoubtedly be wearing. .

He might be tee-total but he’s a regular coke fiend:

The interview comes to an abrupt halt as Dev keels over, squealing: “sorry, I’ve got major tooth issues. It’s my own fault, I have a Coca Cola addiction, it’s fucking killing me.” Devonte Hynes – the torch bearer of rock n roll.

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respecting the worst films of 2007 Alison Kjeldgaard

Last Sunday saw the 80th Annual Academy Awards. Among other exciting revelations discovered on the red carpet, Angelina Jolie was deemed pregnant (no more adoptions), Sean Penn was seen with a hot supermodel date, and the screenwriter for 'Juno' angrily refused to wear million-dollar designer shoes in an attempt to seem more normal than the surrounding beautiful, rich people. Sandra Oh (from 'Grey’s Anatomy') was spotted wearing a puffy black dress with a large pink bow on the front. This apparently is a major fashion faux pas.

The WGA originally went on strike because of disagreements over their renewed contract in November 2007. The writers resolved to go on strike if their three main requests were not put into the contract. They wished to double their percentage rate of what they received from DVD sales; receive more recognition as writers for reality shows; and increase profits from Internet sales. The Screen Actors Guild and presidential candidates like Mike Huckabee, Barack Obama, and Hilary Clinton joined in the support of the writers, urging the AMPTP to negotiate, some of them even marching with the picketers in the street.

To me, the Oscars are just a thinly veiled excuse to give the regular people what they want: more gossip about rich, beautiful people; and the rich, beautiful people of Hollywood what they want: the attention of a huge applauding audience, and little naked, shiny gold statues to decorate their massive homes. It’s a win-win situation. And I’m all for it. I love beautiful people, and I love gold shiny things.

The award for Best Low-Budget Horror Film of the year goes to 'Cloverfield'. Even though the plot is rather typical and predictable, the 'Blair Witch' style in which it is shot works well to reinvent antiquated scare tactics. All in all, shaky cameras and heavy breathing make for a good scare, not to mention an upset stomach. Moving on to blockbuster

incoming helicopter creating a gigantic explosion in midair? No. All we know, and all we need to know, is what happens after terrorists piss off John McClane. The answer? Things explode, and lots of people are called assholes. Although also action-packed, 'Spiderman 3' was lacking two things: Johnny Depp and explosions, so I can only award it for I Tried to Like It, But Failed. As much as I loved the first two Spidermans, Peter Parker becoming a whiny, teenage emo just doesn’t sit well with me. The award for Most Cringe Worthy goes to

HOWEVER, BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE AND SHINY NAKED STATUES OFTEN OVERSHADOW THE SMALLER, CRAPPIER THINGS IN LIFE.

summer action films, I give the award for Most Disappointingly Unfunny to 'Pirates of the Caribbean 3'. Johnny Depp definitely didn’t get enough humorous dialogue to cover up the clumsy, confusing plotline. In a similar category, I award 'Live Free or Die Hard' for Great Big Explosions Distract Me from the Story. Do we really care how a police car flying off a ramp manages to hit an

The Return of PrimeTime Television On February 9th, the Eastern and Western Writers’ Guilds of America (WGA), representing 12,000 television, radio, and film workers, have finally reached an agreement with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP), encompassing CBS, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, NBC, Paramount, Fox, Sony Pictures, and Disney, among other small producers and corporations.

speaks about the overshadowed films of Hollywood.

However, beautiful people and shiny naked statues often overshadow the smaller, crappier things in life. Things like cheap horror flicks, not-so-cheap action thrillers, awkward romantic comedies, and dysfunctional family dramas. This article is an attempt to pay tribute to those beautiful people who just can’t seem to get enough respect.

LISTINGS

'Georgia Rule', starring a tanned, sassy Lindsay Lohan. The film presents uncomfortable topics in a very uncomfortable way, so that you can’t help but either laugh nervously at certain parts, or simply cover your eyes in shame. The scene when she starts seducing her mother’s new love-interest by repeatedly flipping her hair and biting her lip forced me to look away from the screen as I felt slightly ill. Maybe guys liked it better. And last but not least, the winners for the horrible romantic comedies of 2007. 'Good Luck Chuck' has already been nominated for two Razzie Awards in the categories of Worst Actress and Worst Screen Couple. I wholeheartedly agree. How does the rude, crude Dane Cook manage to get Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson in 'Employee of the Month' (also nominated for a Razzie)? After his second on-screen flop, Dane Cook should stick to stand-up. 'Norbit', starring Eddie Murphy, was also nominated for Worst Screen

Couple, but more because of the fact that the dorky, rude, crude Eddie Murphy is getting together with an obese rude, crude Eddie Murphy, and this is more disgusting than unbelievable. In fact, 'Norbit' was nominated for eight Razzie awards, and won three. Surprisingly, it was also nominated for an Oscar, in the category of Best Achievement in Makeup; voters must not have seen Eddie Murphy dressed up like a large, fat woman as a noteworthy achievement. 'August Rush' is a bland mixture of inspirational drama and sappy romance. It gets the award for Best Cute Kid in a Nauseating Drama. Freddie Highmore (from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) sure is cute, but he couldn’t manage to keep the film from drowning in its own sentimentality. Unfortunately, with the Academy Awards over, we have to rely on Britney Spears to keep the celebrity gossip rolling. It’s back to the drawing board for Hollywood screenwriters, and I foresee schmaltzy family dramas, uglier unfunny guys paired with hotter girls (see 'The Hottie and the Nottie', hitting theatres in March), and bigger explosions in store for us in the coming season. It’s going to be a good year. Apologies-In the last issue Andrew Nichols was incorrectly accredited with 'The Films that Made Heath Ledger', this piece was actually written by Sheila Johnston.

The fourteen-week (100 day) strike had a severe effect on prime-time television, especially NBC, host of popular night time television shows like 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno' and 'Late Night with Conan O’Brian'. In January, both shows decided to go back on air without writers, since non-writing staff faced drastic lay-offs. Other shows, such as 'American Idol', 'The Price Is Right', and 'Amazing Race', all of which are not aligned with the Writers’ Guild, saw an increased level of viewership. Many of these programmes took advantage of the empty programming slots filling them with extra episodes or doubled-up seasons Popular programs like 'The Daily Show' and the 'Colbert Report' changed their name for the duration of the strike to return to air without writers. Both have seen increased ratings, mainly because of abundance of political humour associated with the presidential elections.. One of the biggest blows to primetime television was the WGA’s refusal to work for the Golden Globe and the Academy Award ceremonies. The People’s Choice Awards was forced to release a taped ceremony instead of airing it live. The new agreement states that studios will have a certain amount of time to display programs on the Internet without having to pay writers; after that period of time, the writers will receive a percentage of increased profits when viewers download programs on the Internet. If writers are in contract for three years, then their profits will increase according to the distributor’s gross revenue. The Writers’ Guild has not yet fully accepted the agreement, and will be voting again this month to determine final approval. For now, television viewers can enjoy the return of their favourite sitcoms.

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Rambo

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Director - sylvester stallone

should declare one thing straight away – I’m a 'Rambo' virgin. It’s probably fair to say, though, that I had a decent idea of what to expect in Sly Stallone’s latest blockbuster. I felt no great cause to chastise myself for having ignored the earlier versions, but 'Rambo' deserves to avoid complete dismissal for its cheesiness or lack of subtlety. It was entertaining and not all together incapable of enthralling the audience. It depends how much escapism the viewer wants to find in a film revolving around one individual’s superman status, and why shouldn’t we enjoy getting wrapped up in it? There were one or two deeper themes too, particularly exploring extremes of character, nicely depicted by a Christian fundamentalist knocking someone’s face in with a grenade. The film focuses on Rambo’s inner conflict as a veteran of the world’s evils (forgive me if 'Rambo' is just repeating himself) pushed to emerge from his personal defeatism. We hear him again and again scoff at the possibility of ‘change’. He embodies the political conflict between realism and idealism, beginning as the broken down, pessimistic former before finding his moral urges to help others too great to ignore. The idea of his being obliged to do so simply because he is talented as a soldier surfaces as he declares – in his occasional role as narrator while, of course, reminiscences of past atrocities sweep across the screen behind his torn, contemplative (face-lifted) face – “it’s what we were born to do”. I couldn’t help but laugh when “You know where you are?” came next, half expecting the reply, “You’re in the jungle baby!” If you can subdue your objections to the corny personal dialogue, constant panning across Stallone’s arms and the holier-than-thou beginning sequence of news footage from Burma, you might just enjoy this gore-filled, action-packed cruise through South East Asia (via Hollywood).

Tim Roby

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Jumper

Once

Director - Doug Liman

Director - John Carney

his film may be quite hard to sell on paper: an unnamed busker in Dublin falls in love with a unnamed Big Issue seller (who also happens to play piano) and they make beautiful music. Oh and they don’t have sex or even kiss. An anonymous Irish couple chastely tinkling the ivories: not exactly the average marketing bloke's daydream. However all those cynical reservations should be discarded the moment you walk into the cinema: this film is impossible to resist. The lead character ‘Guy’ (played by Glen Hansard) is sensitive, self-effacing and beautifully naive. The Girl (Markéta Irglová) is cheeky, intelligent and sweet, although they have both been affected by the harshness of life, reflected in their current situations. They first meet when he is playing a song late at night in Dublin. She enquires who it’s about and tells Guy he still loves the girl it’s for. Taken aback but intrigued a relationship forms between Guy and the Girl. We see them gradually grow closer and as they fall in love, against a backdrop of angst ridden acoustic guitar as they try and make a demo CD, we in turn fall in love with them. Carney shies away from being corny or too sweet: Dublin is the Dublin of 15 years ago, more working class and brooding, the characters are poor and have had hard times, the girl has a young daughter and struggles in a shared flat. This subtle drama is more human and heartfelt than most razzmatazz musicals: 'Sweet Charity', eat your heart out. The film's conclusion will surprise and delight you, if not in the way you expect. This is a love story with life getting in the way. However harsh that may be, this type of film could never be made by schmaltz-tastic Hollywood so it is a surprise and a joy when a film like this surfaces. 'Once' is a true romance that everyone can emphasise with, while anyone who has ever been in love will treasure this film.

Andrew Nichols

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k, so the concept is cool, being able to instantly transport yourself anywhere in the world. One minute you’re sat in your room, seconds later you’re surfing in Hawaii, then London, New York or the pyramids. This is life for David Rice (Hayden Christensen), a ‘Jumper’. After a dramatic childhood incident he discovers his talent and proceeds to leave home. Flash-forward to an adult David and he is living the high life, stealing from bank vaults and sleeping with beautiful girls. However David is not alone, he meets Griffin (Jamie Bell) a fellow jumper who tells him of a group called Paladins who for some vague religious reason want to kill all Jumpers. Cue, lots of action, chases and flashy visual effects. Before we get any further let me just say this film is awful. The plot is weak, thrown together and has so many holes you begin to lose count. David only returns to find the ‘love of his life’ after he finds out his life is in danger, seemingly so that she too can be put in danger, their romance is hollow and inexplicable given the limited amount of screen time and chemistry they have together. The history of the Paladins and the jumpers is never fully explained so their fight seems pointless. Yes science-fiction is supposed to be fictional and push the boundaries of reality but if it isn’t against a backdrop of credibility it all falls apart, as is all too evident here. Hayden Christensen is wooden, annoying and generally not very likeable, which leaves the audience disengaged and indifferent. Apart from her ridiculously seductive eyes (Sorry I loved the O.C), Rachel Bilson is given very little to do. Samuel L Jackson runs around nicely with the worst haircut in the world and Jamie Bell who is passable and slightly interesting has a Scottish accent that will drive anyone who doesn’t reside in the US up the wall. The really irritating element of this film is that it is all too conscious of its franchise potential. Three plot lines are left wide open; we have been part of a 90 minute build up with no conclusion. If the dreaded sequel stays as unmade as it should then these will never be resolved and this will truly be a waste of a film. Almost as big a waste as spending an afternoon watching it.

Andrew Nichols

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teleVISION

NEW NEWS IS BAD NEWS FOR FIVE NEWS The 'new and improved'

...TURN OFF

Five News sends shudders down Scott Bryan's spine... Nice. Fuzzy. Warmy… cosy television news. That’s the new angle that Channel Five has taken with its £1 million acquisition of Natasha Kaplinksy (or her nickname which I currently use: Kaplinksy Kerplonsky) to present its brand new look daily news bulletins at five and seven each night. This new approach, by the channel who pioneered the concept of standing up while presenting the news as well as sitting, yes that’s right, sitting in front of the news desk, is to have a more direct ‘human angle’ towards the news, in their words to ‘cut the convention and have a conversation’ because that is apparently what we want to watch. Firstly I never think news is supposed to be a conversation. They tell us the news… we listen. Okay you may get the odd ‘send in your comments’ feature in which a lightly liberal comment from a viewer gets read out before a more radicalised minority viewed ‘Hitler had the right idea –esque’ comment follows, but that’s it. Secondly, what is a 'human angle' anyway? News is about people anyway so how can it not have a human angle? I was intrigued. I turned on the TV at five and then I saw this new human angled apparent news revolution develop in front of my eyes… Watching the programme I realised that these ‘human aspect’ stories are either related to the topic that is ‘Britain is a complete disgrace’ (i.e. a report about the worst driver in Britain who is still driving despite being having his licence confiscated), 'Britain is a dangerous place to live' (global warming is going to kill us all etc) and 'the people who live in Britain are mad' stories (people who dress up as donnas and record themselves singing in front of a camera to be broadcast on a new Sky Digital channel etc). Basically, bar the main ten minutes of headlines at the start, it’s a ‘human interest’ soppy as a wet sponge drivel you might as well read in a feckless copy of ‘Love it!’ when you have a hangover, than watch as your main point of news information during the day. Not only this, there's a darker side. Not only do you have the freaks or the weirdoes or the ‘lock up your door, baron down the hatches’ individuals, but the purposely made tearjerkers, the stories destined and purposely made to make you feel sympathetic… the girl with the four kidneys donating two to charity, or the girl struggling with anorexia, or the girl who beat cancer twice, hit and run accidents and so forth. These stories are not made to cause awareness of the issues behind them, but just for newsmakers to make impact, like 'sad heartbreaking' news is an integral part of the news agenda. I can see that it is worth

TURN ON...

SKINS- Thank you to a programme that has transformed from a smutty low-brow teenage show to one of the finest, gripping and moving TV dramas of the last few years. They said that 'Grange Hill' was once the pioneer of hardhitting issues relating to our lives until it was axed - 'Skins' is now.

making such a film to highlight real issues from time to time, but not alongside freak show stories such as the man who lives near Loch Ness in the hope to see the monster but has not seen it once in sixteen years, or or the first red-head social networking site for any gingers who want to feel united together. It isn’t news, this programme should be a Channel Five documentary called ‘Psychos, Weirdos and Courageous Individuals'. If Channel Five wants to fill this demand then so be it, but all on this channel rather than on any other would be just fine thanks. If all other TV networks boil down to this ‘informal, chatty and colloquial real stories we want to watch' then all we would have achieved is a TV version of Radio 1’s Newsbeat – fast-paced, patronised, over generalised waffle.

IT'S A HUMAN INTEREST 'SOPPY AS A WET SPONGE' DRIVEL YOU MIGHT AS WELL READ IN 'LOVE IT!'

BBC iPLAYER- the online TV service has been an overriding success, with now nearly 17 million downloads since the service was officially introduced last December. Could this success be down to the fact that most students' rooms have high internet speeds and you don't need a TV licence to use the service? Trust me I'm not complaining....

THIS WEEK ON NEIGHBOURS (ON CHANNEL FIVE!)

Karl thinks that Susan has Multiple Sclerosis, before getting diagnosed. Declan witnesses Josh and Bridget’s first kiss. Bridget has a new boyfriend. Kirsten shocks Janae when she admits she does have feelings for Ned. And Carmella finally gives in to her attraction to Marco. Remember you can now watch Neighbours on Five at 1.45 and 5.45 every weekday, followed by a new omnibus on Saturday's at 12.

BBC THREE- I asked the question last issue whether the new-look BBC Three will bring in new programming. Has it? No. Lily Allen and Friends was not only dull, but uncomfortable. We had to endure stories of teabagging, terrible anecdotes stories about excrement and sex ... but what was the most uncomfortable was to endure the sight of star guest Peep Shows' David Mitchell's face giving the look of 'Why am I here??????... I am sooooooo going to fire my agent...' It's a shame, this programme because it had so much potential, and it could ruin her career. SCOTT BRYAN

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LA VIE EN-LINE

SAMANTHA COWLEY talks to top British Blogger, Catherine Sanderson...

her readers to discover her and her work’s identity. Sanderson herself has no such qualms. The witty Blog documents not only her own life but also that of her daughter, endearingly known as ‘The Tadpole’, her I am often confused as to what the original University of York stu- (now) ex-husband; ‘The Frog’ and fiancé; ‘The Boy’. When I asked dents did with those blank hours her how they felt about seeing between lectures and Ziggy’s. No their lives documented as such she 4O.D, no Pro-Evo and worst of all responded that “My current boyno Facebook! I am confused as to friend has always told me to write how these students lived, how they precisely ever organI DIDN’T FEEL LIKE MY ANONYMOUS BLOG SHOULD what I ised Block please, parties or BE ANY OF MY EMPLOYER’S BUSINESS and I think games secretly of Pub he gets a Golf. My kick out of reading about himself.” daily rounds on Facebook reveal to Sanderson makes a good case when me a mine of information and all without clicking off the homepage. she points out to me that her Blog only really contains snippets of her ‘Lucy Marsden has adopted an life. “In a typical week, I’ll write a orang-utan’, ‘Sophie Hope didn’t couple of posts, detailing a couple even feel the earthquake’ and ‘Alex of five minute slices of my life. Jones is critically discussing the Readers have no idea what haprelationship between Kantian pened in the other ten thousand Ethics and Virtue theory...’. The minutes” Perhaps then, this is her, 21st century has conditioned us and indeed any ‘Personal Blogger’s’ to constantly share our thoughts appeal. Sanderson allows her readand our goings-on so that it would seem everyone is a Blogger in mini- ers quick insights into a life which, when given a writers spin, ature. Yorkshire born Catherine seems far more glamorous Sanderson, however, puts us ‘staand amusing than her readtus-updaters’ to shame. Not only ers’ own. The enigma of the has she faithfully kept a blog since other ‘ten thousand minutes’ July 2004 that has climbed from draws the reader back to complete anonymity to become ranked in the top five British Blogs. http://www.petiteanglaise. com for their daily ‘slice’. But Sanderson, better known as Whilst continuing with Petite Anglaise, has even battled the Blog, Sanderson has used the French courts over her right her surprise unemployment to Blog after an unfair dismissal to compile a book under the from her secretarial job in France. Blog’s own title of ‘Petite A groundbreaking case that will Anglaise’. The wonder of the internet be immortalised in the textbooks means that Sanderson’s internet readerof law students, Sanderson was by ship varies widely from 14 year old boys no means sure that the case would to 70 year old women. Indeed anyone even win. “My lawyer was very who comes across Petite Anglaise canpessimistic when he took the case not help but be charmed by its anecdoon” she told me “At first I did have mixed feelings ...[but]...I didn’t feel tal approach to life over The Channel. The book, her press release promlike my anonymous Blog should be ises me, will reveal more than the Blog any of my employer’s business”. ever could “The gaps I’d left on the Sanderson’s experiences have Blog, I’d left out of respect for the peoraised some interesting questions ple involved. And because the events over the anonymity of Bloggers. A were so fresh, so raw that they needed key argument in the lawsuit was to be left alone for a while.” Tantalising that Sanderson had published a as this is, it is also an acknowledgement picture of herself thus inviting that online media comes with it a new, different sense of literary responsibility. Sanderson professes that she has become a “cautionary tale” for employer ‘Blogging policy’ but, obviously, celebrates the advantages of online writing. Sanderson’s Blog is marked by the fact that it contains roll over links that pithily illustrate her points.

ANGLAISE MEANS, QUITE SIMPLY, ENGLISH FEMALE, AND PETITE MEANS LITTLE. FRENCH PEOPLE TEND TO REFER TO ALL ENGLISH FEMALES, REGARDLESS OF AGE OR SIZE, AS PETITES ANGLAISES SO IT SEEMED LIKE THE OBVIOUS CHOICE. of a Bronte-esq writer, chained to their desk and solitude, is destroyed as Blogging becomes a two way exchange with Sanderson often replying to comments. However such a relationship with writers does open Sanderson up to direct and pointed criticism from her readers. Detailing her thoughts in such a public forum seems to inspire her readers to the occasional judgement but this, Sanderson sees is more a fault of the internet and the nature of Blogging, “I’m just using my life as material because I enjoy writing. People tend to forget they don’t have the complete picture and make all sorts of incorrect assumptions.” Sanderson’s enjoyment in her work definitely translates into her writing. As a personal Blog, her posts more often seem like the emails of a friend, enjoying life in France, rather than the work of a complete stranger. It can only be hoped that this upbeat conversational style will translate into the longer format of a novel.

I’M JUST USING MY LIFE AS MATERIAL BECAUSE I ENJOY WRITING Sanderson needn’t stall the flow of her discourse by explaining why her fiancé reminds her of the dramatic chipmunk but instead include a direct link to the youtube video (http://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw). The other advantage of Blogging, is the ability for Sanderson’s readers to comment on her posts. The stereotype

Catherine Sanderson will be signing copies of her book Petite Anglaise at The Marriot Room, York Central Library on the 4th March from 6 pm8 pm. See http://www.petiteanglaise. com/york-book-signing/ for more details.

LISTINGS Potted Petite...a taste of the Blog... Tadpole and I are in the unisex, open plan changing rooms at the kids’ swimming pool we visit on Sunday mornings. When we first began frequenting the pool, I used to manoeuvre myself into my underwear with embarrassed awkwardness, under cover of a huge towel. Then one day I realised that normal rules didn’t apply here. Something about the fact that we are all parents, surrounded by young children, rubbing the sleep from our eyes and wishing that we were at home with a steaming mug of coffee and a newspaper, makes casual nudity even more asexual than a nudist beach in Greece. Tadpole sits on the bench, swaddled in a hooded towel, wearing an extremely disgruntled pout. Persuading her to leave the pool had not been easy, and involved my resorting to a whole spectrum of parental behaviour - wheedling, promises, threats, pointless lengthy negotiations, raised voices - approaches proscribed one and all by the child rearing manual Mr Frog pointedly lent me the other day. Our altercation culminated in the tenth “I’m not your friend” of the day (it is midday), followed a dose of the silent treatment (a blessing in disguise). Suddenly Tadpole’s eyes widen at the sight of the small child opposite, and she opens her mouth to speak, her fit of pique instantly forgotten. “Mummy! That girl has got a zizi! Why has that girl got a zizi?” I sneak a glance at the child in question - male, without a shadow of a doubt - and consider how to respond. Probably best to keep things simple. Conversations about gender reassignment can doubtless wait until she is a little older. “Well,” I say slowly. “We know that only boys have zizi’s, don’t we? So that means it must be a boy, not a girl.” “But mummy, she had the voice of a girl!” Tadpole protests with a crumpled brow. “Little boys’ voices are often just the same as little girls’ voices,” I reply. “But if you see a zizi, it’s always a boy. That’s how you can always tell the difference between boys and girls, ladies and men…” At this, Tadpole gives me a very strange look. In her opinion, I have taken leave of my senses. “No!” she says emphatically. “My daddy doesn’t, any more. Maybe he did have a zizi when he was a little boy, but then he growed up and it disappeared.” “I think you might be wrong about that honey,” I reply, the corners of my mouth twitching. “So, when we see daddy later, perhaps you should ask him…”

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CLASSIC CUTS

VISION GETS DOWN WITH DICKENS IN GREAT EXPECTATIONS...

itting down with one of Dickens’ less hefty tomes as a young teenager, I certainly had Great Expectations for what this novel would hold. With my teenage years left firmly behind me as of a few weeks ago, I wondered what 'Great Expectations' would have in store for the older, and (I like to think) more refined reader. It is awash with Dickensian figures of renown – even if you’ve never touched a Dickens novel in your life, the names Pip, Magwitch and Miss Havisham might just ring a bell. My dislike for (OK – jealousy of) Gwyneth Paltrow has always deterred me from watching the 1998 film version of 'Great Expectations'. When it comes to adaptations of classic novels, I firmly believe, “stick with the original”. And 'Great Expectations' is no exception. The opening scene is pure Gothic horror, as escaped-convict Magwitch threatens young Pip in an overgrown, eerie churchyard in the Kent marshes. From this moment on, the novel traces Pip’s development from his happy, unprepossessing childhood. He is taken one day to visit the mysterious Miss Havisham, one of the most eccentric characters in fiction. Still wearing her wedding dress in a house full of stopped-clocks, she is unforgettable. During Pip’s visit, he meets the beautiful but contemptuous Estella, with whom he falls in love on first sight. His thoughts of their possible marriage dashed, Pip returns to his simple childish life, learning the blacksmith trade. Of course this isn't where the story ends – by miraculous serendipity, a lawyer, Jaggers, arrives with the news that a secret benefactor has given Pip a large fortune. Assuming this benefactor to be Miss Havisham, he travels immediately to London to begin his education as a gentleman, with renewed hope of a future union with Estella. But the effect of wealthy London society is telling: he becomes dismissive of his Kentish friends, pining continually after Estella, behaving like all nineteenth century gentlemen did once free from their families; running up huge debts with loose city companions. It is not until Pip’s sister dies that he feels remorse for his actions, and he returns home, only to be informed by Magwitch, who makes a sudden reappearance, that Miss Havisham is not the benefactor – he is. London life has imbued Pip with a sense of snobbery, despite being appalled that his fortune could have come from a criminal, he helps Magwitch to escape the country out of a misguided sense of debt. A series of unfortunate events follow, including one wedding and two funerals. All Pip's expectations and hopes for life lost, he encounters Estella. Her coldness towards him has gone and after a novel full of trials and tribulations, Pip finishes his story by taking Estella’s hand, believing that after years of separation, they will never be apart again. Full of comedy, tragedy and all the typical tropes of nineteenth century social fiction, this classic novel is certainly not to be missed. So switch off that TV adaptation now, and get to the library. LAURA TURNER

FRESHER

THE BITCH GODDESS NOTEBOOK MARTHA O'CONNOR

LOAY HADY

ORION

EXPOSURE PUBLISHING

£9.99

£5.99

artha O’Connor breaks the mould and all of the rules in her debut novel, ‘The Bitch Goddess Notebook.’ A story so dark it comes with its own introductory warning, Bitch Goddess is a twisted mix of teenage angst, heartache and revenge. “You have now entered a chick-lit free zone,” warns the preface: it certainly lives up to its promise.

Amy, Cherry and Rennie are best friends. They go to school, smoke weed and even visit the abortion clinic together. Together they are the Bitch Goddesses: they’re sisters, blood sisters in fact, and they share everything. Amy, the quiet one, struggles to cope with being a disgraced ex-cheerleader with alcoholic parents and a mentally handicapped sister. Cherry, the dark one, is beaten up by her boyfriend, when not at home with her heroin addict mother. Finally, Rennie, the smart one, conducts a secret affair with the drama teacher whilst trying to keep on top of her Stanford application and her homework. Unsurprisingly the Bitch Goddesses crack under these pressures: their wild ways lead them to drugs, drink and even blood shed. When things take a turn for the worse the Bitch Goddesses go their separate ways, but old habits die hard... The Bitch Goddess Notebook is an interesting portrayal of the dark side of young adulthood and the inevitable angst of growing up. Though somewhat far-fetched, O’Connor's Chuck Palahniuk-esque narrative style and her painfully insightful look at the over-powering strength of female friendship succeeds in captivating readers. If you’re looking for a light bedtime read, do as the clever ‘consumer product information’ does and “buy yourself some Bridget Jones”. However, if you’re after something edgy and fresh with more twists and turns than a corkscrew, 'The Bitch Goddess Notebook' could be just what you’re looking for. What’s more, if you can overlook the, at times, unrealistic plot then this smart, savvy book is sure to appeal to anyone who has ever felt like maybe life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows...

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HAYLEY FAIRCLOUGH

ike a poor man’s Adrian Mole, 'Fresher' is the diary of a young male trying to muddle his way through life with little success to say the least. Within 24 hours, our protagonist manages to be accused of rape; witness a suicide; find himself locked out of halls; get arrested for prostitution and enter into what can only be described as a rather unfortunate series of events. Even when set in Nottingham, these first few hours at university seem highly unlikely. So it’s rather farfetched and a little bit ridiculous but 'Fresher' will nevertheless induce that knowing smile of recognition as the story spins out. Who can’t remember the monotony of introductions or the sheer terror of being completely alone in an alien environment? With something that we can all relate to, Fresher reminds us of a time when friendship was based on who had the most milk; a time when it was perfectly acceptable to follow someone you vaguely recognise around in case they'd lead you back to halls; a time when your course was a hot conversation topic. 'Fresher' plays on the universal nature of the first few days of university life with mixed success. Exaggeration doesn’t always lead to humour, and far too often this book takes a turn towards absurdity. It’s not the best of its genre, but nor is it the worst in the world. Although Hady demonstrates clear potential in this debut, stylistically he doesn’t quite cut it. The book’s ending is lacking in closure, and, in fact, any form of conclusion. It’s almost as if Hady simply ran out of ideas. Despite its faults, 'Fresher' is worth a quick skim through, even if it only serves to invoke some serious reminiscing. We’ve all been there, we’ve all done that, it’s just some of us did more of it than others.

HARRIET JENNINGS

GUILTY PLEASURES SAMANTHA COWLEY Whilst we’re well aware that we should all emerge from university with first class degrees and thoroughly well read, sometimes it’s just much more fun to curl up with a swifter, more populist read than 'War and Peace'. Vision brings you the best...

Dan Brown The Da Vinci Code Technically anything by the great conspiracist who seems determined to destroy the Catholic Church with his inaccurate but oh-soconvincing tales of underground societies, corruption, conspiracy and err... physics! The Da Vinci Code has the added bonus that you if you accidentally refer to it in conversation you can claim you only saw the film, far less of a waste of time.

Cecelia Ahern P.S. I Love You The idea of receiving a series of letters from your deceased husband may seem terribly morbid to some but somehow Ahern manages to steer clear of such morose themes and writes with a light hearted won’t-spoilyour-Tuesday pen. Wallow in such wonderful affirmations as ‘true love never dies’ and ‘you can get through anything if you’ve got good friends’ whilst enjoying some shamelessly indulgent tears.

J. K. Rowling Harry Potter University may be a time for complete regression with the reintroduction of naps and CBBC into your daily routine but this is no excuse. Apart from the fact that the seventh book came out over seven months ago (everybody knows it’s your second reading) the realisation that you will never actually attend Hogwarts is really too hard to bear.

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I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OUT OF THIS PLAY Why is the 'X-Factor' so popular and why is Paris Hilton a role model for young girls? Writer and director Mary Luckhurst talks about our strange fascination with celebrity Paris: "The talentin Britain today with less are paraded as a Anna Wormleighton. freak show."

She would’ve been a politician, but instead she became a theatre director. Professor Mary Luckhurst of the University of

sometimes management or even critics say they don’t know that audiences can cope with multiple or fragmented narratives, or multi-media. There’s a set of conservative assumptions about what theatre audiences want and that it has to be terribly simple.” Professor Luckhurst, however, considers this an underestimation of the British audience, and 'Celebrity', cast from the University of York student population, explores the numerous imaginative possibilities that theatre in the twenty-first century has to offer. “It’s a very rich creative environment,” Luckhurst enthuses. With film director Nik Morris and composer Paul J. Abbott on board, she claims, “There are a lot of ideas being fired round. What we’re doing all the time is making the filmic and theatrical experiments more and more sophisticated. It’s sort of a film-theatre genre.” As a result, she needed to cast actors who were prepared to work on film as well as on stage, not to mention ones able to sing, dance and master a handful of specific performance skills currently being taught as part of the rehearsal process. Tai Chi and tap dancing are among those crafts required. “It’s great fun because actors have to learn all of these different skills”, Luckhurst says. Are you a tap dancer? I ask her. “Not yet, but I will be!” she laughs, emphasising how people are learning these skills on the job, regardless of whether or not they have an aptitude for them. Luckhurst emphasises how, fundamentally though, she was looking for actors with ideas. “I wanted creativity and inventiveness – people who were quite happy to make suggestions of their own.” She goes on to explain, “As a director, I don’t go into the rehearsal room with a blueprint in my mind. I have a rough idea, but for me, directing is a lot to do with trying things out and your actors constantly provide you with more material and suggestions.”

I CAN MAKE A POWERFUL POLITICAL STATEMENT THROUGH THEATRE York’s Theatre, Film and Television Studies department attended LSE with the intention of going into politics. But she quickly realised there were better opportunities for people who had a political statement to make. “I got very disillusioned with political structures”, Professor Luckhurst explains. “I thought, I can make very powerful political statements through theatre because there’s a whole tradition of that.” Academic, director and playwright, Mary Luckhurst has written several plays that have largely been performed in Central and Eastern European countries. “That’s the tradition I’ve been trained in – it’s essentially Brechtian”, says Luckhurst. Brecht pioneered a style of theatre based in cabaret and originating from the idea that we should never become entirely involved in a performance and so actors step in and out of the action. “People saw this play as difficult to do. I gave it to directors whose precise comments were, “How would you build a set for this?” She highlights the rather backward British attachment to realism and the puzzling conservatism that proliferates on the English stage. “There’s a sort of protectionism about theatre audiences at the moment where

So what originally sparked the concept for her play? Luckhurst talks of her fascination with the nature of celebrity in the Noughties. “It’s the idea

that anybody can be famous, whether they have talent or not. Celebrity for many people has just come to mean being in front of the camera.” She cites 'XFactor' and 'Pop Idol' as two of the worst culprits in this strange cultural phenomenon. “What disturbs me is that many of these people put themselves forward only with the aspiration of being famous. They don’t actually have a skill. What is this desire to have an audience no matter what?” It is perhaps here that Luckhurst’s own protectionism of theatre comes in – and understandably. How can the theatre remain a medium for quality entertainment when people’s expectations are set by what they see on TV? “The talentless are paraded as a sort-of freak show”, Luckhurst claims. “One view is that it’s incredibly democratising. Another would be, well, what’s the point then? Things like 'Big Brother' are infiltrating the entertainment industry and the politics of that are actually quite disturbing.” Never neglected, however, despite the topical issues storming this play, is entertainment value, and Luckhurst ensures it never gets preachy. “My plays don’t really have messages. What I’m interested in is getting audiences to think about the culture in which we live and the way in which we’re all, in different ways, obsessed with celebrity.” Featuring a funk song, Celebrity, York Theatre ballad and an over-thetop musical number entitled “Uber Celebrity”, it may be easy to forget the seriousness of Luckhurst’s subject matter, carried away on the energy and invention of the play. But it will hit you as you leave the theatre and reflect back that you are concerned as she is by this compulsive fad that we know as “celebrity”. Celebrity is on at the York Theatre Royal studio from 4-8 March. Students £5. Box office 01904 623568

Musically Challenged

Music student Zoe Stones talks to 'cellist Tim Lowe about whether classical music is on its last legs.

usic plays an immensely important role in our lives. Even those of us who take little active interest in music will have at least a couple of hundred tracks on our iTunes and will willingly dance along to the chart classics pumped out at York’s student nights three nights a week. And surely, classical music, which has gone through so many years of judgement, and survived, no less, should at least be of equal if not greater value than the fickle music market of today - right? In the light of the University Symphony Orchestra’s forthcoming performance of Mahler’s Fifth Symphony and Tchaikovsky’s Rococo Variations, I speak to Tim Lowe, the 'cellist who is to perform the virtuosic solo part in the Tchaikovsky. I ask him, as a young and successful musician, in what direction he sees the classical music world going, and whether we should, as one of my friends suggested recently, just pack it all in and resign ourselves to a life of Cascada and Kate Nash? What Lowe firstly insists is that he does not see too much of a problem; classical music is “in good shape”. He fairly points out that the 'Proms', the classical version of the summer music festivals, are still jam-packed, and many of those in the audience, where tickets can be bought for as little as £5, are young. But it would be difficult to deny the fact that classical music is not exactly in the shape it used to be. Even twenty years ago the classical recording industry would churn out 700 new releases a year, but by 2007, with the closure of Tower Records and reduced output of EMI and the DG-Decca group, this down to about 100. As Lowe says, the music of the old masters is “timeless...people never get fed up of listening to the classics”. This may be true, but with little new classical material, does this mean that musicians are essentially fulfilling the role of a musical museum; presenting only a limited selection, to a small minority, for little financial gain. The economics of music is another issue that the young cellist feels passionate about: “Orchestras and arts councils are getting less and less funding from the government to support them and that has a knock-on effect to the whole music world.” Money is of course, a worry, and not only to the arts councils and organisations that Lowe speaks of, but also to many individual musicians such as himself who may struggle to earn an adequate living from what is a highly-skilled and demanding job. Tim Lowe, however, is a self-confessed optimist, and he believes that “the love of music will win through in the end”. Classical music, even in its decline, is still very much alive, and if maybe, just maybe, you fancy something a little different this term, do consider a night out at our very own concert hall. York University Symphony Orchestra play Mahler’s Fifth Symphony and Tchaikovsky’s Rococo Variations with Tim Lowe, 7.30 pm, Wednesday 5th March, Central Hall. Box office 01904 432439. Tickets available on the door.

SPOTLIGHT

MUSIC

FILM

BOOKS

CULTURE

THE NEW MR. BEAN

Richard Bean: one of Britain's exciting new playwrights

Born in 1956 and getting commissions from the National Theatre, Royal Court and the Bush Theatre during his career, Richard Bean can hardly be called an up and coming, still wetbehind-the-ears, playwright. But, in some respects he is. Hull-born Bean got into playwriting relatively late in life, after twenty years of working in industry, and so his success story has come about in an impressively short amount of time. A natural comedian, Bean’s first passion was for stand-up comedy, doing that for six years from the age of thirty. “This was my way into playwriting”, Bean claims. “Obviously, doing stand-up, you get into writing because, nowadays, you’re not a particularly legitimate stand-up unless you write your own material.” He was also writing gags for radio shows (£60 a minute apparently) as well as sketch shows. It was when he enrolled in a post-graduate course at Middlesex Polytechnic, however, in the hope of improving his stand-up skills that he accidentally landed in the theatre world. “There was a playwriting competition whilst I was there and I won it,” Bean tells me. But he continues. “Don’t get too excited though – it was the only entry!” Even so, the play went to the Edinburgh Festival and was watched there by someone from the BBC who commissioned its writer to turn it into a radio play. “And that”, according to Bean, “was my first proper taste of playwriting as a professional career.”

Richard Bean is currently attending rehearsals for a play of his that’s being performed by the Hull Truck Theatre Company in March. Honeymoon Suite tracks what its writer describes as “the three ages of man”, looking at the same couple returning to their Bridlington honeymoon suite at different stages throughout their lives. I meet Richard Bean at the rehearsal rooms in a backwater of Hull. He sports the casual/scruffy look and seems more chilled out than I would expect from someone in the throws of a rehearsal period. “When we did Toast at the Royal Court”, Bean explains dryly, “the whole rehearsal process was really quite exciting and that’s something that’s changed.” He chuckles at his own cynicism. “I was in rehearsals then everyday for four weeks – the director couldn’t get rid of me! I was naïve. I thought my role as writer was to explain the script to the actors. Nowadays, I do the first week of rehearsal and then disappear.” But underneath his dryness, it seems Bean is pleased to be putting on a play in his hometown, near to where it is set, especially following the success of Hull Truck’s Under the Whalebone a few years back. I ask him why he remains so loyal to his northern roots in his writing when his accent has become more southern, he’s living in London and most of his plays are being performed there. “Writers do that because that’s the authentic voices that they’ve got in their head,” Bean claims. He cites Alan Bennett as a perfect example of someone who writes the voices that surrounded him when he was growing up. “It’s the language of the school bus and, for me, that’s Hull because I only left when I was nineteen.” He recalls another playwright who expressed some envy about Bean’s northern background. “I really envy you for being born in Hull”, this guy apparently said. “It’s like you ARE something. I was born in Guildford – I had to create something!”

In the Club: Bean's political sex farce

What northern writers like Trevor Griffiths, Alan Bennett, Tony Harrison and Willy Russell all do so well in their plays though, is humour, and Bean is no exception. Clearly, his talent for gags and one-liners has been carried through into his theatrical work, but his plays are also notoriously dark in their comedy. His blackest play to date is Smack Family Robinson and he explains to me how it’s about a family of drug dealers with strangely inverted values. “I guess my message in this play is that legalising drugs would be a good thing. It’d put heroin dealers out of work and there would be a massive drop in crime.” Then adding, perhaps in response to my startled expression, “Ok, maybe that’s not my exact message, but it’s worth thinking about.”

LISTINGS

WHAT NOT TO MISS THIS MARCH... The Balcony, Drama Soc, Drama Barn, 6-9 March, 7.30pm Jean Genet’s 1956 play set in a special brothel – a “house of illusions” – in which he explores the roles of power in society.

Haydn’s Creation, University Choir with the Northern Sinfonia, York Minster, Wednesday 12 March, 7.30pm One of the greatest choral pieces of all time performed in a spectacular setting.

FORGET THEATRE FOR POLITICAL MESSAGES. PEOPLE GO TO THE THEATRE TO HAVE A LAUGH.

Bean appears strangely pessimistic about the power of theatre as a tool of influence in today’s society. “If you’ve got a message for the world, one simply has to sit down and type a letter to the New Statesman. Forget theatre. People go to the theatre to have a good time and to laugh.” I am surprised that someone pursuing this profession sees it simply as a form of entertainment and not much more. Bean goes on to talk about the state of political theatre at the moment. “Politically, theatre at the moment is mono-political. Where are the pro-Iraq war plays?” he asks provocatively. “I think there’s not much intellectual rigour around. Take the standard anti-George Bush play – I wouldn’t go. Wild horses would not get me there. Where is the rigour in it?” I mention several examples of current political theatre that I’ve found particularly potent, but there is no budging Bean on this issue. “Politically, British theatre is naïve and there is no writing from any sense of responsibility.”

The 39 Steps, York Theatre Royal, 2529 March Winner of the Laurence Olivier Award for Best New Comedy, Alfred Hitchcock’s classic spy thriller comes to York direct from the West End.

As a result, he is currently writing a play for the National Theatre on the topic of immigration into Bethnal Green, delving back into the past to look at the groups of immigrants that have gravitated there over the years. “I use time to capitalise on the present”, Bean explains. Indeed, characteristic of his plays are the large time-jumps in the action. “I often jump twenty years between acts”, the writer claims. “I don’t know anyone else who does that much.” Certainly, Bean is an individual voice on the British theatre scene and would have trouble identifying any playwright near to his own style. His route into theatre is inspirational and has defied the typical route of people paying extortionate fees to attend drama school and then suffering the inevitable difficulty of getting their writing aired. Despite his sudden and quick success though, Richard Bean remains an ordinary, down-to-earth man from Hull. And any amount of further success in the future doesn’t look likely to change that. Honeymoon Suite is on at Hull Truck Theatre until 22 March. Box office 01482 323638.

Anna Wormleighton

A Sweet Treat Falling in RAG week, the appropriately named 'Sweet Charity' arrived on our favourite Central Hall stage earlier this term. Despite giving birth to classic numbers as ‘Hey, Big Spender’ and ‘The Rhythm of Life’, the Central Hall Musical Society’s 2008 production lacks the notoriety of such previous CHM Soc shows as West Side Story and Fame. However, this mattered very little, for let me tell you - this was one hell of a show. You needn’t have witnessed the hippie-inspired Ziggy’s social a few weeks back to know that the cast spirit was strong. In the hall, it was impossible not to be drawn in by the obvious enthusiasm of those on stage. The acting was impressive, with particularly lively performances from Victoria Jones and Charlotte Ward-Caddle, the husky ballroom hostesses, and Tom Rogers as Vittorio, a most amusing take on the old-fashioned movie star. The lead role of Charity Valentine, as played by Alice Boagey, is of course worth a mention. Charity, another of the ballroom hostesses, is the focus of the show, as the audience follow her and her much-broken heart around the streets of New York City. Boagey tackled the role well; she captured the desperate charm of the character without ever losing the strength of performance demanded by a title role. She sang and moved well and was an asset to the production. The singing was also notable, with some remarkable examples of falsetto ‘singing’ from male members of the cast! However, the band, which was clearly musical in its aims, lacked the necessary tightness of a good backing orchestra. The singers often seemed uncomfortable staying in time with their accompaniment, and although the individual musicians showed great skill, the slight under-confidence of the band was suggestive of a shortage of adequate preparation. Most importantly however, York’s 'Sweet Charity' was what any good musical production should be – fun. On both sides of the curtain there was evident enjoyment taken from the show, and there can be no doubt that the Central Hall Musical Society added a little bit of sparkle to what could have been just a Zoe Stones cold February weekend up north.

Cotman and his Contemporaries, York Art Gallery, until 20 April. An intimate look at one of England’s greatest water colour painters, following the gallery’s recent acquisition of Cotman sketches.

SPOTLIGHT

MUSIC

FILM

BOOKS

CULTURE

LISTINGS

regulars MONDAYS

Flamenco classes La Tasca

Get fiery and rhythmic, try not to be distracted by the tapas.

Chelsea Headhunters (no, not his issue’s Listings are the with big hair who really want girls brought to you by one in the ch”). I only share this somevice-like grip of a terrible to “lun minating information as incri what affliction. Beyond the trappings a warning of the power and scope of Freshers’ flu, before the cracks of computer-related boredom. It caused by stress-induced insomtakes a Herculean strength to ucdestr nia; mine is a much more logoff once you’ve seen yourself tive demon. I have discovered crowned daily champion. So if, as online 3D Tetris, or ‘Tetrical’ unlike me, your social life can it’s known by its victims. When I consist of more than manipulating say I have discovered it, I mean to falling 3D blocks, occupy yourself say it has located me in the gentle with one or all of the below. SS manner of the bubonic plague or

week 9 TUESDAY

Learning to Spell P/X/001

04.03

Free 6pm

The Psychology Department has taken it upon itself to teach us what our primary schools apparently failed to. Either that or it's some kind of veiled introduction to the Dark Arts. But probably not. Perhaps worth a gander to reminisce on the days of free learnin’.

Beat CityScreen Basement

£4 8pm

FRIDAY

07.03

Re:Impressions Big Band Jack Lyons Concert Hall

£2 9pm

Everyone likes big band music. Admit it. Even secretly, trumpets, Latin and funk can’t fail to put a swing in your step as the soundtrack to your droll campus day. Break the lunchtime monotony; throw down your mayonnaise baguette, sashay around the duck faeces, (respectfully) tip your hat to a porter and bring out those jazz hands!

£5/4mem ‘From Rimbaud to Ginsburg, Adrian Breakz: Ed Rush 10pm Spendlow and Gothic Moll mix classic Ziggy's I’m reliably informed that this night '60s beat poetry with the percussive bass delivers “some of the best DnB you’ll beats of the GSmith Combo’. Sadly it ever hear”. It’s about time Ziggy’s was is marginally outside the remit of this page to embellish names and events to able to add a non-health hazardous peak your interest; I would take some feather to its cap. Ed Rush (whose name pride in inventing “Gothic Moll” and has only just clicked) is apparently one their “classic '60s beat poetry”. It’s all of the biggest influences on modern drum and bass. Along with his collaboradelightfully real. tor Optical, the ‘Producers of the Year’ plus residents and guests will be playing dubstep, techstep and neurofunk until Symphony Orchestra £3 nigh on 3am.

WEDNESDAY 05.03

Central Hall

7.30pm

They’re back to doing what they do best, Mahler, apparently. For Tchaikovsky’s Rococo Variations, the Orchestra is joined by Tim Lowe, a 'cello star of the future. That’s the Leona Lewis of the 'cello to put it into pop perspective. Come and get your “cultcha” while it’s hot or before several hundred upstarts campaign to get it moved to the Minster.

High School Musical Grand Opera House

£13.50 7pm

I imagine attendance is something akin to being beaten about the head by an army of fervent jack-in-a-boxes, but that could be just what’s craved if you want to cackle maniacally in the face of boredom from 4th-8th. Perhaps the dubious promise of “added fun” entails haughtily sneering to mask your jealousy of agile young’uns and your secret dream to go to stage school. Before you “get’cha head in the game” be warned: Zac Efron will not be appearing. Save your tears.

THURSDAY 06.03

Philip Pullman Clothworkers' Hall Leeds

Free 6pm

Join what will likely be several hundred pairs of awed ears and the celebrated author at The Leeds Read. Without the daemon of an entry fee on your tail, you’re free to muse on the plausibility of an armoured polar bear bounding around campus gaily destroying bridges. Just me then? You’ll be sorry when the Uni gets hold of that one…

SATURDAY 08.03

Pandora's Boxed Spread Eagle

Free 7pm

Not entirely sure what this one entails, but since it promises hedonism for free it’s got to be up someone’s street. Namely students, perhaps. Creating, aiding and prolonging the hedonism will be various grooves, tunes, beats and bangers.

Uncle Vanya York Theatre Royal

£5 9pm

Throwing around the name ‘Chekhov’ will always attract a lot of murmured affirmations of respect from the wouldbe highbrow. This darkly comic story of love, desire and loss has got the credibility to back it up with theatre giant Sir Peter Hall in the director’s chair. As former Director of the Royal National Theatre, Hall undoubtedly seals Vanya’s success. Bob is no longer your uncle.

SUNDAY

York Ceilidh Club St Aelred’s Church

09.03

£2.50 7.30pm

The only pure art left, ceilidh dancing could be described as line-dancing for those with a stiff upper lip. Poetry in motion.

The Balcony Drama Barn

£4.50/3.50mem 7.30pm

Jean Genet’s play, set in a surreal brothel amid a revolution, uses sexual role play to explore power roles in society. It is sure to be a climactic end to the Drama Barn’s term of events. Always a wealth of talent at the helm.

£various 7.30pm

Gemma’s Pub Quiz £1 per player Yorkshire Hussar 8.30pm Despite the variety of questions, and cash for the winner, it’s the free chip butties at the interval that are sure to set tongues wagging.

week 10 MONDAY

10.03

University Challenge York V/045

Free 7pm

University Challenge is like trying to find rooms in Wentworth; at the end of it all you wonder if you’re even in the right institution. Hopefully, watching York’s newly selected team take on assorted University staff won’t invoke the same feelings of despair. Those up for possible humiliation by academic subordinates are yet to be announced.

TUESDAY

11.03

Our House York Theatre Royal

£5 7.30pm

Imagine assorted characters from Coronation Street are living in a Yorkshire village, and then one decides to move to Spain with a van full of possessions; madness. Trips down memory lane and local laughs have garnered mixed reviews, although the seamless transitions from past to present have been praised throughout.

WEDNESDAY 12.03

Dirty Sanchez Live £8adv Leeds Union Stylus, Mine 10pm

Leeds Extreme Sports and Exodus host the boys from the Valleys and their pain and bodily fluid orientated gross out stunts. If you can stomach any kind of movement after the pelting, piercing, puking and probing, there’ll be drum and bass and dubstep until 3am.

THURSDAY 13.03 Shamrock V V Bar

£3/3.50otd 9pm

Finally, a theme that doesn’t require the conception of a depraved link to binge drinking; Saint Patrick’s day is the best excuse yet to serve snakebite to hundreds of assembled people. Dress in green, drink until you turn green, and if you’re feeling generous, go the whole hog and recycle your wristband.

TUESDAYS

Al-Quiz! £1 per player B. Henry's, Alcuin 7.30pm

FRIDAY

14.03

Panic! At The Disco Leeds Union Refectory

£16adv 7.15pm

This foursome, originally confined to separate garages and Blink-182 covers, have apparently said goodbye to the circus and run away with mature classic rock influences. Keen to shake off their emo fringe, the band wants to be the new Radiohead. Don’t hold your breath; relax instead with their ‘tinkling piano melodies and sunshine-y guitar riffs’. Novel.

Laughter Workshop York St John University

£15 6.30pm

Learn the benefits of laughter and how to laugh it up in all areas of your life. At fifteen pounds a pop, someone’s laughing.

SATURDAY 15.03

The Feeling Leeds Union Refectory

£15 7.30pm

Innovative and legendry campus quiz. Setting the standard with a recent Never Mind the Buzzcocks-style intro round; it’s the only place to get your cocktails and queue-jumpers.

The Tunnel Club Leeds Union Mine

£3/2adv 11pm

For the price (as well as £1.50 drinks offers) this one might well be in a tunnel. New and classic Indie DJ Chris Martin (not that Chris Martin) spins the tunes until 3am.

WEDNESDAYS

Open Mic Night The Locomotive

Free 8.15pm

Free supper and raffle. Oh, and open mic.

THURSDAYS

Vanbrugh Bar Quiz V Bar

Free 8.30pm

Anyone with a functioning wireless could well believe that these purveyors of fluffy guitar pop were the most played band of 2006 on UK radio.

With bounty like Gallery q-jumpers and Bacon themed rounds, how can you say no? Teams limited to six players so that you can’t completely plunder Vanbrugh’s resources.

SUNDAY

FRIDAYS

Sport Relief Mile Sports Centre

16.03

Free 9am

All in aid of Comic Relief, run a mile around our “thriving” “parkland” campus, something familiar to anyone with the propensity to forget about bridge closures. With URY doing a live broadcast and student societies along the route, you can feel like Dwain Chambers (or perhaps not) crossing the finish line.

Grand Opera House

The Independent

Free 7.30pm

Every 2nd and 4th Friday of the month Diverted brings you Region 2 and Random DJ’s, Gazzmannm, Dave Oliver, Nick Minardi and Alex Alterskye.

SATURDAYS

Central Beatz vs Curves £3/5otd Leeds Union Mine 10pm

Every 2nd Saturday of the month an arrangement of drum and bass DJs will face off until 4am.

BEYOND...

19th-20th March Jimmy Carr

Diverted

£19.50 8pm

The face of deadpan shows his on our humble cobbled streets. A breath of sarcastic air.

SUNDAYS

15% Proof The Locomotive

Free 8pm

Every 1st and 3rd Sunday is One Mike Stand: an acoustic singer is joined by various acts from York, whilst every 2nd and 4th the band 15% Proof will cover 60 years of music in one night. Well, maybe.

MORE....

Tetrical www.tetrical.com

£Your Soul All the time

Play, but be prepared to give up every second Satan sends. I will extend the somewhat futile warning I was given: don’t start if you don’t think you’ll be able to stop.

All times, prices and events correct and seemed fun at the time of writing. Vision cannot be held responsible for your lack of enthusiasm. Go and read a book.

16 FEATURES

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

First-hand class on a second-hand budget? Helen Nianias and Immy Willetts arm themselves exclusively with second-hand clothes for a...

WEEK OF CHEAP n a mild (week-long) rebelI lion against the current high street madness, where

everyone wears the same handful of outfits for a fortnight every fortnight, we were fashion trailblazers... only wearing second hand clothes. The success of our venture, we thought, would reflect the plausibility of an eco-friendly, ethical lifestyle – but without the dreadlocks and the hemp. The rules were: everything we wore had to be second hand (sadly this didn’t mean stealing clothes from our friends), including accessories and nightwear, but obviously not tights or underwear (our commitment only ran so far). However, what started as a fun experiment soon descended into the most wacky, ill-fitting week of our lives. Immy: This first became apparent when, getting cash out from Vanbrugh. I noticed Helen, literally a mile off, doggedly stomping through the snow in a letterbox-red disaster of a dress and denim jacket combo. Who else in York could it realistically be? Although I

admired her commitment to the cause as I was shamelessly sporting my warm French Connection coat. The novelty of the first few days was brilliant, gleefully flouncing into the kitchen in my floor-length floral nightie; but the joy shattered the moment the strap of my oh-so-cool vintage handbag broke in Gallery. Helen: As Immy has kindly pointed out, second hand clothes are clearly not my forte. Wardrobe choices were limited to a selection of upsettingly kooky dresses, appliquÈd cardigans and knitted trousers (honestly). All very good on their own, or as a statement piece, but thrown together, it was another matter entirely. The lack of basic items in charity shops (the longsleeved black t-shirts that I rely on, plimsolls and fine-knit cardigans) meant that I looked like I was wearing an assortment of tea cosies for a week, while Immy was gliding around in a series of worsening shiny tops. And, for a week, it was brilliant. Of course, the high street would not see the joy in dressing like a damn fool. The identikit fashion found on any

high street in any town shows the homogeneity of clothing. Skinny jeans, Ugg boots, hoodies, blah. What’s worse is that this seems especially aimed at our age range. Topshop, for example, gears itself towards students with their (feeble) 10% discount and Freshers’ week lock-in. “Active resistance to propaganda” is Vivienne Westwood’s latest theory and suggests an impending large-scale fash-pack reaction against consumer conformity. Our thought process was that by escaping the high street, and disassociating ourselves from this appalling commercial aspect, our wardrobes would be full of classic pass-me-downs. In fact, the opposite was true. Infuriatingly, from the briefest of glances at Oxfam’s online shop or browse in any charity shop, the majority of stuff being sold is Miss Selfridge, Warehouse, River Island. Plenty of nasty, cheap looking dresses filling your local Help the Aged is testament to fast fashion’s laziness; a trail of could-have-been-nice, it’s-almost-silk dresses are left in its wake, conforming to one season’s “must have” ideal, and disbanding it just as quickly as you would a questionable onenight-stand. Perhaps the looseness of the term “ethical” is discouraging – as is the awful clothes that are so often given the label.

The idea of hippy style trousers, fusty old charity shops and moth-eaten old cardigans appeals to few, and is most certainly best left at Glastonbury. However, is second hand clothing the only sustainable option? Every year, according to Oxfam, one million tonnes of clothing is discarded in the UK alone, a lot of which is of good enough quality to be resold or recycled. Imagine it; one million tonnes of ratty synthetic dresses, clothes worn once that looked fantastic on Kate Moss but dreadful on you, and half-hearted purchases. One million tonnes of advertisers’ false promises of self-renewal, and one million tonnes of being told that you didn’t quite cut it of you weren’t wearing that week’s style. The soul-crushing brevity of these quick-fix trends suggests a lack of self-confidence in the consumer. How insecure must we be if we are so easily conned into thinking we desperately need a “latest” dress? This throw-away fashion obsession seems to partially be the ugly result of years of celebrity worship. A very average dress sold out in Topshop countless times because it was lucky enough to be photographed on the pretty indie presenter Alexa Chung. Oh, and the dress had a ‘star

print’, yeah, we always knew the fashion industry loved their irony. It also becomes an embarrassment worthy of the ‘cringe’ pages of Heat for celebrities to be photographed in the same outfit twice, so why should we – God forbid, go to Toffs two weeks in a row (the embarrassment doesn’t end there) in the same top? Perhaps the single triumph of the naff sleb-tastic fashion industry is Kate Moss’s aqua flower print dress from her first range: possibly the only Topshop “statement” dress from the recent past that people still wear. At the moment, it is the sailor-girl dresses, but how long will this last for? When will they become extinct? Comparing this to how we treat fashion magazines, the current nature of fashion becomes all the more obvious. Much like a copy of Grazia, which is desired, used and discarded, we amass a wardrobe of mass culture, and stop thinking for ourselves. From the comfort of our Topshop jeans, the revolution starts here.

Photos: Juliet Burns

Are guests to York being taken advantage of? Mike Sims argues that York might have a bad case of the... "Left fuming" at the attitude of B&B owners in the city

B&B BLUES Y

ork’s reputation as one of the UK’s most popular tourist attractions is being tarnished by “greedy and inflexible” hoteliers and B&B owners who “care more for making profits than the needs of their guests” – and the families of students are being hit the worst! These are the words of furious parents and visitors who have contributed to a Vision investigation which has found that accommodation providers across the city have banned one night weekend bookings. Many owners of hotels and B&Bs insist on a minimum of two night stays, turning away potential guests who can only book a room for one night. According to the parents of one York student who have fallen foul of the policy, this approach to weekend bookings is commonplace across York. “We despair at the greedy attitude of B&B owners. They are not interested in what the visitor wants,

they seem more interested in grabbing as much money as they can,” the couple explained. The couple’s two sons attend the University and they have made a number of visits over the past couple of years. They did not want to be named (perhaps for fear of being blacklisted for future visits by the hotel and B&B sector in York). When contacted, numerous B&Bs in York either refused to comment or were defiant in their stance. The Four Posters Lodge on Heslington Road – just a 10-minute walk away from both campus and the city centre and so ideally situated for visiting parents – refused to budge on the policy when questioned by Vision. The B&B told us that they refuse to take one-night weekend bookings and even though they had vacancies for a week on Saturday they would not rent it out for just the Saturday. This tactic of greedily holding out ignores the risk of leaving the

rooms empty and unfilled, and has left the mother of one third year Maths student outraged. “Some B&B owners have been curt in explaining the policy and most have shown very little sympathy when I have asked if they can bend the rules to help me. I’m saddened and very disappointed with their attitude. I know they’re in business to make money but you’d also expect them to do whatever they can to help people who want to visit York,” she said. This is despite the Visit York Board’s glowing praise of the city’s accommodation. They boast that “York is packed full of accommodation options to suit all tastes and budgets. You can live like royalty in elegant hotels or find a bargain at hostels right in the city centre”. It says that “accommodation in York is abundant”, but a one-night weekend stay, however, seems out of the question. However, the Board does admit that “some accommodation providers prefer a two-night stay minimum at weekends”. But we

spoke to 15 hotels and B&Bs and only ONE accepted a single night booking – the rest all refused. The Board suggests that “if you are planning a one-night stay, please call the Visitor Information Centre instead of using the on-line booking service”. When we tried this service, we were simply told that not much could be done to help visitors and parents who can only spend one night in the city. The solution was to leave booking accommodation until three or four days before coming to York in the hope that some hotels will have vacancies and so will accept single night bookings. But this last-minute strategy risks leaving parents with either no accommodation at all, or accommodation that is not suitable in terms of cost and location. Vision has also spoken to other families with sons and daughters who attend the university, and they too face the same problems of making a single night stay at weekends. They are just two of dozens of parents who want to break up their trip

to York with an overnight stay but face being forced into the expense of an unwanted two-night booking. The mother of one secondyear English student explained how she was “left fuming” at the attitude of B&B owners in the city after spending over three hours trying to make a Saturday night reservation online and by telephone. “I have tried to reason with a number of owners, explaining that my husband and I both work full-time and therefore cannot make the 300 mile trip road journey on a Friday night and cannot stay on a Sunday night because we both have to be at work on Monday morning. “York’s a wonderful city, surrounded by beautiful countryside, and we’d love to be able to stay for an entire weekend. But when we’re only able to make a flying visit to see our son is it too much to ask that we are able to find a hotel for one-night at the weekend?”

YORK VISION

FACEBOOK

Tuesday March 4, 2008

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YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE Tuesday March 4, 2008

18 LIFESTYLE

P19 The Playboy apologises...

P21 GUY STYLE

P22

>FOOD

P23

LIVER LADY

>TRAVEL

And the winner is...

Dust off your Dior and shimmy into those Jimmy Choos, folks, 'cause it's awards season at York! Alex Richman leads a crack team through the first ever Yorkies...

e students don't get much of a chance to self-congratulate. As soon as you finish a module, you're off on another and when you finally graduate, it's less a moment for celebration and more a jolt reminding you that it's time to actually go and find a job. But hang on a minute. Aren't these supposed to be the best times of our lives? With that in mind, we've flipped our switches from their default mode of self-flagellation to mindless selfindulgence. Let us celebrate what makes this university special, and look at the great things at York for a change! So, without further ado, let us cast an eye over the winning entrants of our (probably not going to be) annual ceremony!

BEST PLACE TO HAVE 'OOH-WE-MIGHT-GETCAUGHT' SEX

EGG- COSTCUTTER CITEMENT

. . . D

>DRINK

Last year a housemate of mine was exchanging some frankly filthy text messages with a member of staff in Costcutter. They gave the impression that they had access to a set of keys but to everyone’s great disappointment, not least my housemate’s, nothing ever came of it. We'd like to make it clear that this award goes to the Market Square Costcutter, mind, not the one in Halifax; no danger of anybody seeing you in there.

MEMBER OF STAFF WITH BEST NAME

PROFESSOR MOZAFFAR QIZILBASH

No longer shall hide and seek be a tiresome retread of the same familiar hiding places of cupboard and wardrobe! The library is a veritable treasure chest of places to hide (although sadly the budget is yet to stretch to an actual treasure chest section). Sleeping lions is equally fun, especially on the warm and soothing top floor.

BEST LOCATION TO TACTICALLY VOMIT, THUS AVOIDING A HANGOVER

BEST PLACE TO PULL ON A NIGHT OUT

ZIGGY'S

WORST PLACE TO PULL ON A NIGHT OUT

nexus

Ever seen anyone under the age of about 45 in there? Neither have we. Arguably the place with the oldest average-age-per-entrant this side of the Minster, Nexus is a wasteland for amorous students; even if you're out to catch a silver fox or cougar, you're more likely to drunkenly stumble across a mangy whippet or patchy lemur.

BEST VENUE FOR CHILDISH PARLOUR GAMES

THE LIBRARY

THE ALCUIN E-BLOCK STEPS Have you seen them? Steps aren’t wheelchair accessible, and there’s a path about six inches to the side of it. The guys responsible for the university’s stair-building contract must be absolute dynamite with their powerpoint presentations.

I mean honestly! Not only does he sound like a Bond villain, but he works for by far the most nefarious department on campus - Philosophy, Economics and Politics. We always knew they were up to something...

I know you're protesting, but hear us out! Think this one through: all the hottest campus societies have their socials in this underground sweat pit...and they're all looking for an excuse to leave sharpish! It's perfect!

BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY

DERWENT FOUNTAIN BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

STILL NO STUDENT VENUE In town? Central Hall? Roger Kirk? Hes East? These are just some of the fabulous chances that have been wasted as another year comes and goes without a central student venue for students. Despite these being the first ever Yorkies, the lack of student venue have been retroactively awarded this particular gong for the past 25 years, a testament to the university's continued failure to secure the one facility that the student body is unanimous in supporting. Well, there's always next year, eh?

Narrowly beating out the large section of the lake nearest to Central Hall, DCUK's picturesque locale and advantageous location see it take the plaudits. And what's more, there's nobody needed to clean it up in the morning!

All photos by Terri Li

>STYLE

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

Tuesday March 4, 2008

S N O I S S E F OF A CAMPUS PLAYBOY N O C any other, me and a few of the big playboys on campus gathered in Vanbrugh Bar for a few cheap and cheeky beverages. We decided to meander in to town and, whilst on the FTR suddenly my tumbley went a-rumbley; the playboy was hungry. Unfortunately there were no beautiful ladies, so we stopped off for the best alternative; a curry. In many respects having a curry is much like having sex with a woman. You get hot and sweaty and you’ve always got something to dip your naan in to. In front of the boys I felt obliged to pick the spiciest curry on the menu despite the fact I knew I would feel the repercussions later. A vindaloo it was, and after wolfing that down a bloated playboy trotted off to the nearest club.

The epicentre of the earthquake was my bedroom in Tang Hall

he past week has been pretty prolific for York University’s most notorious serial lovemaker. It all began on Wednesday morning at 00:55. Having taken a cute little trifle out for dinner, we skipped dessert and I took her back to mine and started giving her the orgasm she had earned. I felt guilty about not having the final course so I thoughtfully said to her ‘your vagina is a wafer and my willy is an ice cream, let’s make a pudding to remember’. And a beautiful pudding we certainly did make. Ice-creamed and she screamed, ‘the earth is moving’ as I bonked her in to oblivion. Being one exhausted man and one stuffed, indulged lady we went to sleep. The next day I discovered there was only a bloody earthquake and the epicentre was my bedroom in down town Tang Hall. So students of York, and the vicar whose chimney I knocked down, I do sincerely apologise. You should however be grateful that I wasn’t really going for it, as normally when I have a serious bonking bananza I make love at 8.5 on the Richter scale, and that can do some serious damage to both the lady and all within a 500m radius. However this mishap aside, the real tale from this week is the story I am about tell. This is a story rich with intrigue, mystery and the obligatory filth and fanny. I suggest you sit back and put the cristal on ice as I share with you the confessions of a campus playboy. This night began much like

Vision's ladies man admits to a bit of a mishap...

After entering the Gallery we went to the bar and ordered a VK tropical and a flamin’ Sambucca; the only two drinks a playboy need consume. I laid eyes on the cutest little cupcake York has to offer. She was a visual delight, and was

VISION'S VIXENS and their

giving me some serious squealchy pants. I wandered on over and gave her some of the top notch playboy banter. I hit her with a chat-up line from the vault; ‘There are 265 bones in the body, fancy another one?’ She smiled and giggled and led me down to the dance floor, where I set about romancing her with my funky moves and exotic shapes. Everything was going great guns and I was pretty certain I would get to open the bag of crisps, when suddenly my stomach let out an almighty groan. That vindaloo was coming back to haunt me. I needed to go to the toilet to freshen up but I hadn’t finished with this bacon sandwich, so I sat her down and left her with my VK as collateral. I wasn’t feeling on top of my game, but sleeping with women isn’t a hobby it’s a calling and I was pretty certain I was gonna get a dip in the warm bath later. I went back to where I left my baby, grabbed the fizzy vodka drink, gulped it down, stood her up and declared to her, ‘Right babe you’re in luck, lets go back and wrap the dog in the wet towel’. She laughed and followed me out of the club. We got a taxi and were having a right old snog on the back seat. The taxi driver asked us where we were going and quick as a flash, she gasped, ‘Fulford’, as I placed my big hand on her thigh. I don’t normally stay at a girl’s house as it saves me a walk home in the morning but I quite fancied this bird. I really liked this girl for two

reasons; two reasons I could quite clearly see, touch and maybe put my willy between later. We had a little peck outside her house, and she said, ‘I think you’d better come inside.’ ‘The house you mean?’ I replied with a wry smile. A wry smile, because I was thinking like ‘come inside’ her vagina and all that. We went up to her bedroom and I laid her down on her crisp white duvet and sheets. As I began to unbutton my shirt I felt the most almighty stomach cramp. I sucked in the pain and took all my clothes off. She muttered the line any man wants to hear. ‘I’m allergic to nuts but for you I'll make an exception’. With that she grabbed my balls and started sucking them. I said to her, ‘Honk if your horny’. She replied ‘Honk, honk’. This was my cue to rip down her tights and tear off her pantys. She said to me, slightly embarrassed, to ignore that red rash on my legs, ‘it’s just my eczema’. Her legs were coarse and flaky, it was like running my hands down sandpaper. This would not deter the playboy as I once tried masturbating with a belt-sander. I slipped a connie on the old lad, and slipped my widget in her crypt. I winked at her and muttered, ‘Tonight baby I am the artist, your vagina’s a canvas and my willy’s a paintbrush. I’m gonna give you a priceless masterpiece.’ After 8 minutes of pure love making I washed my brushes and was ready for a little sleep. I rolled her over and laid

down next to her. I realised that something was not right with my stomach, the night was about to take a serious nose dive. She was dozing when suddenly my stomach rumbled it’s loudest. I was pretty scared. Then suddenly it happened, bang the floodgates opened, I didn’t have time to clench. I’d only gone and bloody shat in the bed, damn you vindaloo! I thought it might have just been a little fart, but it wasn’t, it was a poo, only a tiny one mind, but a poo in a girl's white duvet who I didn’t even know the name of. I was literally and figuratively shitting myself. If I’d had my pantys on it would have caught it, but I was stark bollock naked and there was no hiding the fact I’d just shat the bed. I touched around under the duvet and I felt something warm and wet …. and it wasn’t her vagina. ‘Oh bugger!’ I thought. Then I devised a plan, I’d lay here and wait till she falls asleep. She was unfortunately, a lively little minx and I regretted tanking her up with sugary VK earlier. After a long two hours of sitting in my own poo she fell asleep and I crept out of her bed. My legs were caked in my own faeces, but I slipped on my clothes and quickly left the scene of the crime. I didn’t even get this little baby’s name or number, but we sometimes see each other on campus. We smile and say hello but we never discuss the night I shat in her bed. I’ve been the campus playboy, you’ve been a captivated reader.

STUDENT STunners Magnus Dewsberry

YEAR: 4th COLLEGE: Halifax SUBJECT: French and Linguistics

GET THE LOOK Shirt: Boden (£25 on sale) Jumper: Ralph Lauren from TK Maxx (£20) Jacket: Sand (£50 on sale) Trousers: Boden (£20 on sale) Trainers: Lacoste (£40 on sale) Bag: John Lewis, (£50) Fusion: charity project or vanity project?

Both I suppose. Does it matter? It's not altruistic but I dont think it would happen if it wasnt for charity.

Chloe Alexander

YEAR: 2nd COLLEGE: Goodricke SUBJECT: History and Politics

GET THE LOOK: Jumper: Vintage shop on fossgate (£8) Trousers: Topshop (£40) Scarf: Birthday present from friend Shoes: Jigsaw (£40) Bag: Christmas present Fusion: charity project or vanity project?

I do loads of stuff for RAG, so I think that all the different ways that people can raise money for charity are good.

20 LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

Austen-tatious?

It is a truth universally acknowledged that every girl dreams of being in a Bronte or Austen novel, sensually swathed in a feminine frock with a handsome Mr Darcy - wait, make that Mr Knightley - galloping up on noble steed as she sips Earl Grey on a lawn beneath a parasol. Keira may pull off the Elizabeth Bennett bonnet enviously well, but let’s leave her floral get-up firmly in the 1800s, please. Whilst the bonnet may look completely misplaced next to a beanie, and a floor-length gown would be a bugger to run to lectures in, Austen chic can be brought into the twentieth century without having to look like you’ve just stepped out of a Tardis. Did you know that ballet pumps were first introduced in Georgian times? So in terms of embracing your neoclassical side, you are probably already setting off on the right foot. Most of us own some form of floral-patterned clothing anyway, the fundamental staple of Austen apparel. York’s selection of vintage and charity shops offer plenty of antiquated and daring designs that push the boundaries of generic dressing.

Dainty tea dresses are gorgeously feminine, floral and timeless.

It is possible to make Austen chic work for you, without being too

ostentatious. With spring on the way, the high street is filled with floral prints: a great way to embrace the Austen look. In honour of all things eighteenth century, opt for outfits will girly frills, puff sleeves and lace-linings. What works for Anne Hathaway

works for us! Retro jewels will distinguish the look. Pearls and brooches exemplify English quintessence (again they’re very then and very now) and by perusing the glass cabinets of Goodramgate charity shops you will find all manner of brooches, cameos and beads. If there is one thing that charity shops specialise in, then it is old things. For mere pennies and a good cause, this will assure you some originality from the accessories found in mainstream stores. Try wearing ribbons in your hair, and sashes and belts are a great way to cinch in the waist of a free flowing dress to add more definition to the shape. And like leg warmers and footless tights, fashion trends come round in cycles. So jockey hats, as worn by the gentry of the 1800s, have hit most high street shops again this season. Pulling off this look does not require uptight facial expressions and torturous corsets. And OK, so you’re really not the girly sort, and all this feminine fashion is al-

STYLE Lisa Morris and Laura Turner translate outlandish femininity into an everyday style ...

most too much for you to handle - you’re a jeans-all-the-way girl. But floral patterns can go hand in hand with more masculine tailoring - add a blazer jacket over a loose top with flowing sleeves and you’re good to go. Think high-waisted, too; as Vogue point out, tall waistbands are a “nice alternative to the ultra-low styles of recent years.” Some of Kate Moss’s 'Topshop' slacks embrace both chic androgyny and high waists. Those foolhardy ol’ Regency folk did take this waistband idea to a whole new, well, height. In the BBC’s adaptation of Pride and Prejudice, Jennifer Ehle sports classy gowns with beautiful empire-line waists (effectively a ‘band’ with nothing to do with the ‘waist’). So lace your bows and buckle your belts in the way that Emma Woodhouse rates her standards in men: high high high. Alas, we cannot guarantee the man on the horse. Yet do not let this prevent you from stepping out of the house with a ribbon in your hair and a sense of feminine empowerment in your heart, inspired by classic girly literature. And if you wish to run across the moors as Cathy runs to Heathcliff then it is less than thirty miles to Pickering from here.

BARE FACED CHIC According to a recent survey carried out by Nivea Visage, the average British woman spends more than two years of her life applying and removing make-up. Two. Years. Even a self-confessed beauty junkie such as me finds this frankly rather shocking. Granted, Jodie Marsh’s personal score may have bumped up the national average a tad, but who knew that us ladies were so taken with tarting ourselves up? The main irony to this situation is the fact that the majority of us spend this precious time in front of the mirror perfecting the “natural look”. Of course we don’t want to emulate Mrs Stallone (senior) circa 2005. Let’s face it; no-one likes a Try Hard. But do we want to breeze into our 10.15’s with our complexion looking that little bit fresher, our eyes that little bit brighter and our lips that little bit juicier than Mother Nature intended? Naturally! With this paradox in mind and a willing housemate in hand, I took to the streets (er, ok, Facebook) in search of answers and explanations. What do York students, both male and female, really

think about make-up, and more specifically, the “natural look”?

ference. And to my surprise, every single person I asked, even my male respondents, could see the distinction between the two looks. Maybe these men aren’t as clueless as we thought, although, true to form, their main concern was actually the author’s questionable photography skills with regards to Photo B. Typical.

PHOTO A: The "Natural Look" Is it really worth our efforts? My method was simple. Take one photo of my lovely friend au naturel. Next, take one of the same lovely friend, but just a bit lovelier. To be more precise, a layer of foundation, a stroke of blusher, a coat of mascara and a touch of clear lip-gloss lovelier. Then play spot the dif-

Elegant accessories are key, this necklace is from Accessorize, £14 Avoid sunburn from your outdoor tea parties with a floppy straw hat, this one's £20 from Topshop

These simple Ballet shoes will take you to Pickering and back, French Sole, £65

Feminine floatey dresses are crucial to achieve the look, New Look £22

When does the "natural look" no longer look natural? Are we really fooling anyone, or just ourselves? Demi Kraithman investigates.

contributing factor leading to a more poised, self-assured version

too much make-up would put them off someone they fancied. So what conclusions can be drawn from this amateur experiment? It would seem that although, thankfully, our efforts are not in vain, maybe our “natural look” is not quite as natural as we think it is. Or as necessary. Perhaps what we are really seeing here is the result of a changing norm. 85% of the girls I asked wear make-up everyday. Is this actually the issue here? When everyone wears make-up, standards are set higher and we feel the need to make-up, in order to keep up.

As to the debatable benefits of these 12 minutes spent painting face, opinions were divided, but to a similar degree across the sexes: 75% of the boys found Photo A more attractive, compared to 65% of the girls. Only 50% of the boys agreed that the difference was worth taking the trouble over. But it seems there are other factors at play here too. A point made several times was the observation that the model looks more confident in Photo A, with makeup, than in Photo B, without. Perhaps it is the confidence gained indirectly from wearing make-up that makes her more attractive as a whole to others, and not necessarily the make-up itself. Although perhaps subconsciously, it seems that for many of us, putting on our face is a major

GET THE LOOK:

PHOTO B: Au Natural of our natural selves. In fact this was a recurring theme throughout the responses received; 80% of girls said that wearing makeup makes them feel more confident, while a worryingly large proportion (35%) confessed to feeling ugly without it. Conversely, 100% of male responses confirmed that

I can’t help wondering whether we’ve mascara’ed our way into a vicious circle that is pretty hard to get out of. One thing’s for sure: it takes a lot of confidence in yourself these days to go completely bare-faced. And personally, I will stop wearing makeup either when everyone else does, or when I wake up with flawless skin. Until that day, pass me the powder.

LIFESTYLE

YORK VISION Tuesday March 4, 2008

-~*GUYS SPECIAL*~-

BEYOND HOODS AND EVIL

Jed Fazakerley emerges a dapper butterfly from the maggot of student scruffiness... My conversion has nothing to do with irony, and my brows are not arched in the slightest; I am quite sincere. These new convictions rest on a few propositions that I would once have considered to be the stuffy orthodoxy of greying prigs. T-shirts are, on balance, q u i t e u g l y . J e a n s Waistcoat, aren’t terTopman, £35 ribly comfortable. Leaving your shirt out looks scruffy and gauche. There are some outfits that Converse don’t go with. A tie commands some respect; braces twice as much. I hold these truths to be self-evident. Dear reader, you are invited to join me in a ritualistic Burning of the 'Topman' Loyalty Cards. Get thee to 'Debenhams' instead, and marvel at the bowties and briefcases. Austin Reed are selling two silk ties for fifteen quid, for God’s sake. At 'Ex-

pressions', waistcoats cost a tenner. Together, we can uproot the cardigan consensus and turn this into the Winter of Our ReTrousers, Marks & Spencer, £29.50

Brogues, Gieves & Hawkes, £190

finem e n t . This is a plea for pluralism, not elitism. Stifled and stymied by a denim malaise? Cotton on to an alternative. Yet, beware! All things in moderation. I am very much in favour of slaying arbitrarily sacred cows; but some things are taboo for a reason. Smoke fags; not a pipe. Think very carefully before acquiring a bowler hat.

Great Moss

And please, for the love of all that’s decent, leave that cummerbund on the rack. At some point, the self-consciousness of your fashion anachronism becomes too glaring to be tenable. Certain affectations simply scream, “look at me... look what I’m doSatchel, ing.” No Debenhams, matter £90 how many times you refer to yo u r s e l f as a ‘dandy’ or affect a fauxVictorian ‘you, sir!’ tone, this will still be the cold, cold noughties. We are not happy about it, nor should we be. But there’s very little choice in the matter, so stick to bricks of Marlboros acquired at duty free shops. There’s a good lad. My advice to you is to have no fear. Teeter over the abyss marked ‘bad faith’ without disappearing into its treacly nothing. Hats are by all means permissible. Combine blazers and t-shirts, if you so wish. The eighties were, absent Mag-

to fashion is inspiring. Who wouldn’t feel a little bit embarrassed next to him in your trendy get-up, talking about drum ‘n’ bass, and generally acting like a poor extra from Skins? Set off against grumpy Roy’s casual look, he sweetly smartens up for work, even though it is in the basement IT department, and no-one really cares. His clothes could be, technically, trendy, and tick most of the sartorial boxes for this season. Think about it: Dev Hynes of Lightspeed Champion/Test Icicles/Hawley Arms fame sports a very similar look: plaid, cardigans, big glasses and even bigger hair, and yet Moss’s look would never be copied by fans of The IT Crowd in the same way that Dev’s followers ape his style. At the end of the day, geek chic wins. Dressing like your grandpa is cool. And how do we know this? These are the facts: Dev Hynes is a Hoxton hero, Napoleon Dynamite gets the girl in the end, and all viewers of The IT Crowd love Moss. Never underestimate the power of a well-fitted cardie and clipon tie for sex appeal. Mothers, lock up your daughters… .

Pictures courtesy of stylefinder.com

Steal His Style Novelty bow-ties can express a geeky playfulness, we particularly like this alphabet print one found from tiewarehouse.co.uk, £14.99

Helen Nianias and Immy Willetts on The IT Crowd's style hero... As per usual, York, we are here this week to “challenge your perception” of fashion. This week’s unconventional style icon is none other than Channel 4’s version of your IT teacher at school. Yeah, he has “bad” hair; yeah his trousers are too high (we wouldn’t have thought trousers could be worn too high, but we’re just going with what C4 tells us) and maybe he is “socially inept”. But never has awkwardness looked so good. Fusing Maths teacher with 100% bona fide sex god, Moss channels a look many of us are too cowardly to attempt. We wear contact lenses, scoff at clothes our mothers might buy us and squeeze ourselves into skinny jeans. Unlike your average York ‘campus celeb’, he doesn’t hide his geekiness beneath a 'Topshop' clad exterior. This continues in his conversation, not impressing us with tales of how debauched he was in Leeds last night (“Wax: On was fucking mental”). But instead unashamedly acknowledging awkward lulls in small talk by endearingly declaring “ahh … conversation”. His devil-may-care attitude

gie and Ronald, a perfectly fine time to be alive. The key is to simultaneously adopt and adapt. We live, ladles and jellyspoons, in chronically uninteresting times. We live in a world of David Cameron, Ru s s e l l Brand and the Kooks. In some m o Cigarette ments, case, eBay, it seems £26 that we are destined to be crushed under the heel of tepid mediocrity. By any means necessary, we must escape that fate. I’ll meet you at Clarksons on Petergate. We will walk in with narrow jeans but broad minds, and we shall emerge pin-striped and glorious.

This watch is actually called the DBC-32-1AEF Databank ... it's also a Calculator! From casio.co.uk

No geek is complete without a sensible shirt. This tylish version is Topman's finest, £28

Picture courtesy of channel4.com

It’s a commonly vomited piece of pablum that growing up necessitates calming down. Questioning authority is all well and good when you’re young, so the argument goes, but by the time you reach the end Blazer, Topof your twenman, £50 ties, you really should know better. Put down that Kropotkin, get in your Ford Fiesta and slowly start to shed your soul. Politically and socially, that argument is gigantic, hairy bollocks. But sartorially speaking, there might just be something in it. I was once a Young Turk, swaggering around Sixth Form corridors with shirt untucked and shoes unshined. No more. These days, I sparkle in seminars and am dapper in discussion groups. I have repudiated my life of grime, and harbour no regrets. The bourgeois ideal of speckless dignity dreams itself in me.

22 LIFESTYLE

The Hot List We suggest more foods and deals for a cracking Easter : EASTER DRINKS Spring is slowly getting closer, so it's the perfect time to start drinking those lighter drinks, like wine spritzers and cocktails. Keeping with the season, try out the Easter

cocktail:

Bunny

1 1/2 oz. Creme de Cacao 1/2 oz. Vodka 1 tsp. Chocolate Syrup 1 tsp. Cherry Brandy

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

FOOD&DRINK EGG-CESSORIZE

Spice up your Easter this year by customising your Easter eggs. Sound like a lot of fuss? Well as Cara Bendon and Bethany Marrett find out it's a lot of fun and puts 'Hotel Chocolat' to shame... We went to 'Boyes' and bought medium sized Easter eggs for £1.99 each, we then bought a tube of icing with exciting nozzles for £1.50 from Tesco, a bar of plain chocolate (25p) and raided the Your:Shop pick’n’mix counter. As if this isn’t fun enough then we got creative…. So don your apron and wield your tea spoon and make someone's Easter Eggstra special.

Idea 1: Not Just Any Old Chick

Step 1: Most Easter eggs will probably have some sort of design already on them, so just melt a bit of chocolate on the hob (in a bowl over a pan of boiling water) and use a tea spoon to smooth it over the egg. Tip: don’t use too much chocolate! Let it cool and then you have a blank canvas for whatever artistic Vision seizes you….

Funk up a traditional Cadbury’s chick in no time at all, this one’s great fun: we added a ‘nest’ with crumbled Flake and melted white chocolate buttons to colour the body. Once it set we decorated it with Jelly Tots and Smarties (welded on with chocolate) and pink icing.

Idea 3: Don’t Mess With These Chicks

Idea 2: Faberge Fabulous How? Decorate your egg with a lattice pattern with the icing tube. Then, go to town by adding Jelly Tots and Smarties. Make it as flashy and sophisticated as you dare. This is Student faberge, you don't want anyone thinking that it cost you 50 cents...

Shake up the Creme de Cacao and the vodka with ice. Strain over ice into a glass, and top with a float of chocolate syrup and

Course stress? Let it all out with this next design, Make a hole in the centre of your egg on one side. Texture your egg with melted choc (see above)

and crumbled flake. Pop in plenty of chicks and decorate with chocolate eggs and icing/ sweets. Easy as.

Idea 4: The Easter Vision Egg Chocolate. Chocolate. Chocolate. Go all out on this

one. If it's chocoaltey it goes. Start with a painted-on base of melted choclate and go wild.

LOCAL PRODUCE

Rhubarb - Almost all the UK's rhubarb is grown right on our doorstep in the "rhubarb triangle" between Leeds, Bradford and Wakefield. Not only is rhubarb a good source of vitamin C, potassium and fibre, it tastes great either stewed or in warming crumbles.

SUPERMARKET DEALS Somerfield - Buy One, Get One Free on Cadbury Medium Easter Eggs (£3.00 each) Morissons - Medium Easter Eggs 99p each Tesco - Hot Cross Buns, 2 for £1.20

Easter eating: Global style

Emily Hodges looks at the different ways Easter is celebrated around the world.

Easter is a festival heavily linked to food – from the fasting of Lent to the celebration feasts of Easter Sunday. Most traditions, like lamb for a large family Easter Sunday lunch, and the eating of cakes, breads and decorated eggs are the same around the world, but with some interesting variations. GREECE - The Greeks have several dishes asso-

ciated with the whole week of Easter - a soup made with lamb innards, called mageiritsa, is eaten after midnight mass on the night of Easter Sunday, and hard boiled eggs are dyed a red colour to symbolise the blood of Christ and are eaten on Good Friday. The eggs are often used to decorate the traditional Easter breads

FINLAND - Mämmi is the traditional Easter dish of Finland. This dark brown porridgetype dish is made with rye and water, and cooked in cardboard packaging. AMERICA - Easter eggs are given as gifts, but more unusally, so are jellybeans – they are meant to represent new life, spring and fertility because their elliptical

shape is similar to eggs. In the USA sweet makers manufacture around 16 billion jellybeans every year for Easter. ITALY - Easter celebrations revolve around sweet breads, cakes and desserts, to celebrate the end of the Lent fasting period. Cheesecake and breads containing almonds and sweetened fruits are all popular options.

Chick on the Side:

Easy peasy just crumble a Flake bar into an egg cup and pop in a chick!

PHOTOS: CARA BENDON

YORK VISION

LIFESTYLE

Tuesday March 4, 2008

TRAVEL

DAY TRIPPER

BATTLE OF THE LANDS

Sally Makaruk Tom Jackson reveals the best that South-East Asia has to offer, steps back to the comparing enchanting Cambodia and Vietnam. '60s in Liverpool.

iverpool doesn’t exactly provoke the most exciting images in my mind. The idea of Kappa-clad Chavs adorning the streets, the possibility of being stabbed and run down derelict buildings was what I primarily imagined. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Liverpool, prestigious European Capital of Culture 2008 provides an eventful day out whether you want to shop, explore the historic music scene, visit World War 2 attractions or even ponder through galleries. There really is something for everyone! We arrived in Liverpool ready to find what the fuss was all about. Heading towards the famous Albert docks we decided that a trip to Liverpool wouldn’t be complete without a visit to the Beatles Story Museum. Although for students a pricey £6.99, it is definitely not to be missed. The Museum is a journey through time as you discover the history of the Beatles and view many of the original musical instruments played by the band. After the tour we had the opportunity to grab a ‘Ticket to Ride’ (sorry!) on the Beatles Magical Mystery Tour, a brightly coloured bus ride around the suburbs of Liverpool revealing the scenes of the Beatles childhood. Unfortunately, with time already slipping away we decided to head back out onto the breezy dock, also home to the Maritime Museum and the International Slavery Museum. During the day, we really only just touched upon the surface of a city bursting with vibrancy, history and culture. With just over 2 hours from York by train, Liverpool was a brilliant day out and a much-needed break from end of term deadlines!

A real feast for the senses, and always capable of springing a surprise, a month in Cambodia and Vietnam is not for the fainthearted, but with so much new and unique to sample, never dull. Neighbours, but different in so many ways, these two countries provide a traveller with so many opportunities. But for the backpacker with less time on their hands, which should be the priority?

The noodle soup traditionally served up for breakfast in Vietnam was delicious, if a little strange to a westerner. Vietnam was also notable for its love of spring rolls, which usually required rolling after being served. Picking up supermarket food for long train journeys across the country proved difficult though. Apparently squeezable cheese is not the best idea I ever had.

Food

Drink

Weird and wonderful in both countries, though if rice and noodles isn’t your bag, stick to Europe! The most disconcerting moment came when we were informed by a friendly waiter that the pork was off on that particular night on account of “birdflu”. The seafood in Vietnam was probably the best I have ever had however, particularly at small, side-of-the-street restaurants where customers sit on plastic chairs reminiscent of a primary school and certainly not suited to the larger backside. The amok dish in Cambodia is fantastic, and is usually served in a whole coconut. Both countries are also to be admired for their taste in snack foods. At one stop on a long bus trip in Cambodia it was possible to sample local delicacies such as fried cricket, spider and snake, as well as rat cooked on the bone. Close your eyes and eat if you dare, and you will be rewarded by a surprisingly enjoyable bite. Less appealing was the sight of spitroasted dogs in Vietnam, a step too far for most of us who had previously been adventurous.

For a beer connoisseur like myself, both countries were like heaven on earth. Cheap, usually cold, and several times better than the rubbish served up in this part of the world, Asian beer is the best. ‘Anchor’ and ‘Angkor’ in Cambodia were excellent, but the best by far was ‘Beer Lao’, imported across the border from Laos. How this lager has not become well-known elsewhere I will never know. In Vietnam meanwhile, favourites like ‘Hanoi’ and ‘Saigon’ were to be found everywhere, but the ultimate drinking experience in this country is ‘Bia Hoi’, made without preservatives and consumed on the same day. Available at bars on almost every corner of Hanoi, it comes cheap at about 7p per glass, and no hangovers! Word of advice: stay away from lethal ‘rice wine’ and any kind of alcohol with whole snakes or scorpions in it. For those not alcoholically inclined, both countries do the usual soft drinks, while

Vietnam’s green tea is incredibly refreshing and goes well with your noodle breakfast.

Things to do The highlight of Cambodia was the majestic Angkor Wat complex at Siem Reap. But there’s plenty more, including a chance to witness the remnants of Cambodia’s haunting past by visiting the Killing Fields and the prison-cum-genocide museum in Phnom Penh. However, Vietnam doesn’t disappoint. Ho Chi Minh’s mausoleum in the city of the same name is a fascinating experience, while Nha Trang and Hoi An offer brilliant beaches and mud baths. The spectacular imperial palace and tombs at Hue offer a glimpse of Vietnam’s past, and Hanoi is the home of the prison where John McCain spent several years as a prisoner of war. The real highlight of Vietnam is the phenomenal Halong Bay in the north, which was without doubt one of the most impressive things that I have witnessed in my life.

Locals Though the Vietnamese people are for the most part friendly, there are some who are extremely unhelpful and will attempt to rip off tourists. The majority, however, are really welcoming and will work hard to make you feel at home in their country. There is, though, no comparison between the Vietnamese and Cambodians. With the odd exception, the Cambodian people are brilliantly friendly and welcoming. Our local guide was tremendous and became a great friend, while we even had the opportunity of staying with a rural Cambodian family, which is a pretty uncomfortable but worthwhile experience.

Climate Hot and humid, most British tourists sweat like pigs. Most

restaurants and bars don’t have air-conditioning either so it is a good plan to carry a can of deodorant around at all times. Personally, the temperature was the worst bit, as I spent the whole time dripping with sweat, mopping my brow and breaking my neck to get myself in front of the nearest fan. Go during the summer months and the heat will be offset by refreshing bursts of rainfall that last for about half an hour. The so-called ‘wet season’ isn’t, in my experience, as wet as the name would suggest, but when it rains, it pours.

Transport The transport of choice in Cambodia is coach, as there are no railways. The coaches are air-conditioned and always crammed with backpackers. The most abysmal Cambodian karaoke music is broadcast, which is definitely an acquired taste. I failed to acquire it. Vietnam does have a railway system, so the best way to travel is by overnight train. The trains are crammedfamilies sleep in the corridorsas well as dirty and smelly. They move incredibly slowly and often stop with no warning, propelling unlucky sleepers from top bunks onto the floor (I am the voice of experience on this). The food is inedible, there’s nowhere for luggage, but the whole thing is unendingly fun. And forget taxis, if you want to get about anywhere in these two countries you just need to flag one of the millions of motorbikes, and hang on for dear life.

The Winner Is..% It’s close, but Vietnam just about wins, based on its food, drink and transport. Both are well worth the effort, though, as they offer a holiday experience unlike any other.

24 SPORT

YORK VISION

Tuesday March 4, 2008

Fab-ulous or Crap-ello? We pack James Evans off to Wembley to check out the new England manager...

James EVANS

f instant gratification was what England fans wished for from the game against Switzerland a month ago then they may not have been given exactly what they wanted. However, they certainly did get the chance to witness the first signs of the new regime. Capello came in as one of the most celebrated managers around, but does he have what it takes to tackle the ‘hardest job in foot-

ball’? The early signs were positive. The display against Switzerland was not perfect - far from it - but it gave everyone a first glimpse into how Capello was going to approach his unenviable task of turning our so-called ‘golden generation’ from international also-rans to world-beaters. The team selection was interesting: Upson and Brown started at the back with no Richards. Elsewhere, Jermaine Jenas started ahead of Hargreaves, and Bentley began on the right of a five-man midfield with Rooney left alone up-front. Capello showed that he was willing to pick in-form players ahead of the star-names that had ruled the roost under the previous managers. Most notably Michael Owen was left on the bench and Beckham was left out of the squad altogether. The first 30 minutes of the match were slow and shaky but England steadily found their feet and deservedly took the lead through Jenas. Capello’s selection was paying dividends. The second half showed more of what Capello is made of. A tactical change ensued with Wright-Phillips and Crouch brought on with England reverting to a 4-4-2 formation. Switzerland scored immediately after the substitutions with a well-taken goal, and then we saw something which had been missing from England performances of late. Instead of

sitting back and lacking ideas, as in the past, they picked themselves up and pushed forward in search of the second goal which duly came from Wright-Phillips quickly after. England then held onto their lead deservedly until the end of the match. The result was fairly unimportant here but the manner of victory and awareness shown by the manager were plain for all to see. Capello has managed to install a sense of urgency and purpose amongst the players and they must take credit for the way they played. However, the plaudits must go to Capello. His ruthless pragmatism started to shine through and he showed he is not afraid to make difficult choices on selection. His substitutions and formation change were well-timed and he managed to get the team to lift their level when it was needed. The second half performance was certainly cause for great optimism, especially since under Steve McClaren, England had seemed to become a ‘first-half team’ and seemed unable to show the same fire for the whole 90 minutes as they tended to do in the first half. As Rooney and Gerrard said after the match it was a good start and a solid platform from which to build. What is clear though is that we will not have to put up with the GerrardLampard problem for much longer. Bring on the French!

SPORTS ROUND-UPS

Injury-stricken swimmers rise to challenge THINGS HAVEN'T gone quite to plan for the University of York’s swimming team in recent weeks. With a team including Kirsty CaldecottTurner and Courtenay Mitchell, swimmers who wouldn’t normally compete at this level, York managed to pull through the BUSA Long Course Championship in Sheffield just about intact, using a skeleton squad after several injury setbacks. The situation was only exacerbated by a shoulder injury to Club President Ruth Salmon: it gave out on the last leg of the 100m fly, forcing the girls’ team to pull out of the final medley relay. The boys, spearheaded by Steven Knight, fared a bit better. The state of affairs didn’t look like changing at Varsity either, with several injuries still at large. However, against St. John’s buxom, rugby-player-esque team, York’s svelte, sleek swimmers were always

going to enjoy the upper hand. From half a length behind, girls captain Jocelyn Betts’s powerful front-crawl pulled a tense relay back, with (practically) enough time at the end for a nice cup of tea. And Paul Cox could join her in a bit, after steaming through the boys breastroke field. Meanwhile, Courtenay Mitchell missed out on breastroke triumph by just half a stroke. In the face of adversity, with a limited team, York demonstrated that they can still achieve good performances, whatever happens: teamwork and support are key factors in this. The squad can now look ahead to BUSA Trials with happy unease, as niggling injury problems persist….

Hollie Price

BUSA play football hardball

AFTER STRINGING together almost a term's worth of unbeaten results to propel morale sky-high, the University of York's football first team came crashing down to earth this week with two huge blows. First, they were sent out of the BUSA Plate (for league winners) by the University of Central Lancaster, losing out 2-1 in the closing minutes of extra-time. Captain Dominic O'Shea commented: "We ran them all the way really. I think the last 15 minutes of extra time they probably had the legs on us, but it was a bit heartbreaking to lose in the last 5 minutes." However, worse was to come as the team were notified the very next day that they had, in fact, NOT been promoted. Instead, in a bizarre twist (albeit one stated in the competition small print), BUSA have declared that York must now play Newcastle 1sts, strugglers in the league

above, to go up, despite having legitimately won the BUSA Northern Conference 3B. O'Shea was understadbly aggrieved at this decision: "BUSA only contacted us on Thursday morning to say that we had to play the game. Obviously we’re pretty upset about that as well, we feel a bit aggrieved. It’s like being kicked when you’re down: after the BUSA match on Wednesday and then getting that news Thursday morning. It just seems like we're playing a team that has underperformed in their league. They’re second bottom team in BUSA 2B and then we won our league by 9 points, but we have to play them in a playoff at their ground as well (on Wednesday). But I’m confident we’ll be able to go over there and get a result.”

Andy McGrath

YORK SPORT RELIEF MILE

when? Where? How much?

Sunday 16th march, Start- 09:00, finish 14:00. University of York Sports Centre. Adult 16 and over%£5, Child under 16 £2, Family Discount : 2 adults, 2 children £12. The fee helps to cover the cost of staging your Mile event - so make sure you get sponsored to take part!

"join other local people in a Sainsbury's Sport Relief Mile. Take in the lakeside route, explore the thriving university campus and then enjoy the refreshments and entertainment on offer. Enter the mile, raise money for charity and have a good time!"

WWW.SPORTRELIEF.CO.UK

YORK VISION

SPORT

Tuesday March 4, 2008

VISION TELLS YOU ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE CANDIDATES

AU PREZ: FOUR HORSE RACE "EXPERIENCE"

"INCLUSIVITY" "SPORTS CENTRE" "COACHING"

JACK KENNEDY

- EXPERIENCE - PASSION -"SPORT IN YORK"

As current AU vice-president and a former Goodricke College sports rep, Kennedy is the most natural and experienced candidate for the presidency. He has invested tireless hours in college sport, ensuring tournaments go to plan and co-ordinating the college results table. Underlining his background and spirit, Kennedy told Vision: "I have the passion,desire and experience to deliver on all I promise. I want to see better facilities (Kennedy promises an improved running track), more communication between the sports centre and the AU and an expansion of college sport." He continued: "The last two terms have given me a huge insight into the way the AU works, and I know exactly what should be retained or improved for next year." While he has emphasised the importance of sport in York, Kennedy also has one eye on Roses 2009 in York: he wants to make it bigger and better than ever.

ALEX LACY - INCLUSIVITY - FREE FITNESS CLASSES - "AN A.U. FOR ALL THE U.NI!" Lacyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s focus is on inclusivity - getting as many people on the pitches as possible, building it up from the grassroots level. He argues how his policies are based on "what people have told me they want." Herein, the third-year student wants both members and non-members of the AU to reap the benefits with a "crossstyle fitness circuit": free classes, essentially. In an exclusive chat with Vision, the boxing club president also underlined how he is "the only person who wants to clean up the AU's bureaucracy and give it some direction." Lacy also certainly puts the Athletic into Athletic Union: he did 5,000 press-ups in Market Square on Monday for charity, to show his commitment to the cause.

CHRIS COLLINSON -professional coaching - york top-20 busa - driven When challenged at the recent Hustings, Collinson emerged as the most controverisal candidate: asked whether to opt for winning or participation, he was the only candidate to select the former. His ruthless drive certainly raised a few eyebrows, while simultaneously setting him apart from the other candidates. Talking to Vision, Collinson underlined his belief that "with reform of coaching, coverage and funding, there is no reason why we cannot become a consistently top-20 university." Collinson has been doing the AU-Presidential-equivalent of kissing babies in the last few months, doing the rounds meeting club presidents and garnering their support. Arguably the most exciting candidate out there, but can he deliver on those promises? Are they viable?

MAX CONEY - BUSA IMPROVEMENT - better storage%and training - participation Coney also wants to support and improve York's sport, with an eye on the BUSA tables. He also pledges to work with the sports centre in order to reduce costs for clubs, while also updating storage and training facilities, and continuing the fine charity work of the AU, to ensure that Hes. East's facilities are topnotch. Almost polarised to Collinson in this respect, Coney has further highlighted the importance of taking part. The Canoe Club captain could face an upstream struggle in the challenge for the presidency though, with few policies that set him apart from his rivals in what is one of the most fiercely-contested AU elections in recent years.

26 SPORT

JAMES THE FIRST

STAR MAN: Tim Ngwena (James) Speedy centre Ngwena led James well, scoring their opening try after outgunning his opposing number with lightning pace. He continued to shine, constantly threatening with dangerous runs down the ﬂanks.

STAR MAN: Phil Walker (Halifax) "We only had three training sessions where ﬁve people turned up," claimed Walker with a pained smile. "Somehow we're winning." Alas, he could only watch from the touchline, nursing a badly twisted knee, as James denied Halifax the win at the eleventh hour. Still, the fresher enjoyed a ﬁne afternoon, scoring three tries.

YORK VISION

BY ANDREW MCGRATH Hey, it may not be the Six Nations, but rugby’s back on the menu at York. After years of insurance insouciance restricting its growth, college rugby continued its recent resurgence this weekend with the return of the College 10s. Pouring more scorn on Chris Collinson’s statement that college sport is more about the participation than the winning, there was certainly no love lost between any of the teams, most of whom have been preparing for this event all term; Derwent, Alcuin and James already “enjoyed” a fifteen-a-side tri-tournament last term. Every encounter saw great energy and desire as well as crunching tackles and artful running. With the abridged form of rugby being played - uncontested scrums and seven minutes each way - consistency, fitness and solid play were rewarded, as games were often separated by no more than one try. The weather played a big part too - it wasn’t just windy, it was the shit-Mary-Poppins-just-got-sucked-intothe-stratosphere kind of gusts that any fly halves must dread. Any team going with the wind in the first half knew that they’d have to press home the advantage. James, stylish in their all-black kit, and Halifax, looking similarly dapper in white attire reminiscent of England, both took their opening matches with strong displays. These performances were harbingers of things to come, as Halifax, despite considerably less fitness and training than their opposition, and James went

DESTINATION HENLEY > Boat club on course for Henley Royal Regatta qualification > Team desperate to make up for missing out on qualification last year

BY HUGH PRYCE York’s senior rowers look set for an exciting summer season having hit form in the winter head races. Last term’s victory at York Small Boats has been followed up by two second places for both the Men’s Senior 4 and 8 at Trent Head in Nottingham. Many at the club now believe this squad has what it takes to qualify for the Henley Royal Regatta in July. The Men’s Senior 8 were the first of the club’s boats to race at Trent Head, a race which is essentially a 4km time-trial on the River Trent in Nottingham. Second only to a powerful Oxford Brookes crew, the senior 8 beat the likes of Manchester, Edinburgh and bitter rivals Leeds. Next to

Tuesday March 4th, 2008 on to bulldoze through the opposition, bringing about an enthralling and decisive tête-à-tête between the two undefeated sides in the round robin tournament. After absorbing a half of windassisted James pressure, an injuryplagued Halifax side came out of the break firing on all cylinders. The plucky underdogs looked like they were going to steal a surprise triumph, after their number 10 went over in the corner after some fine link-up play to lever open space. Nonetheless, James pressed forwards and were rewarded in the dying seconds, breaking through to touch down (and then convert) under the posts and simultaneously shatter Halifax hearts. Star centre Tim Ngwena said afterwards, smiling: “That was good shit... Halifax really scared us at the end though.” He continued: “It’s been a good tournament. Those teams with proper squads and training [unlike Halifax] did the best.” However, the bureaucratic cloud of health and safety still hung heavily over the event: the St John’s Ambulance crew on hand were constantly busy with injuries, whether it be nosebleeds, strapping or broken bones; one Vanbrugh player left with a suspected broken arm, another player suffered a suspected dislocated ankle. Injuries are part and parcel of any sport, especially rugby, but it isn’t difficult to see why the university administration have been so coy about allowing rugby back onto the agenda. Halifax star Phil Walker offered his view: “It might be because so many people haven’t played this kind of rugby before.” A.U. vice-president Jack Kennedy played down any fears: "I think part of the reason why there was so many injuries yesterday was because of the passion... Safety is paramount, and I don't want to see too many injuries, but I think the overall tone of yesterday was that it was a success. People enjoyed it. Francis There was good rugby being played, and people want to see it more and whittingham more."

THE GOOD...

THE BAD...

AND THE

race were the Senior 4. Laying down a lot of power, the crew pulled away from the chasing pack before passing Edinburgh with ease. The effort wasn’t quite enough for victory however, the crew finishing just 10 seconds shy of eventual winners Newark, a close margin over a 12 minute race. With this success, thoughts are now turning to the summer and in particular, qualification for Henley. Senior Men’s Captain Finbarr Bevan may be refusing to look further than the next race, but qualification for the Henley Royal Regatta is firmly on the minds of many at the club. Bevan was part of the York crew that narrowly missed out on qualification last year, and for him and other third years, this is very much their last chance. The Temple Challenge Cup at the regatta is seen as the pinnacle of university rowing, just qualifying is a significant achievement in itself and a chance to compete with the best student crews in the world. York have made the event three times in the last decade: back-to-back qualifications in 1998 and 1999 were followed by seven years in the wilderness, before the 2006 senior 8 ended the drought.

UGLY...

To get there, York need to perfect their already impressive technical ability; the introduction of Coach Sean Potter should help in this regard. However, the main differences between York and the biggest names in the sport are size, strength and fitness. Senior strokesider and former Henley trialist William Lawrence was of the following opinion: “Team synergy is the key. Some of the boys aren’t massive, so we’ll have to ‘row clever’ as well as aiming for the highest level of fitness, if we’re to make a splash at Henley”. To reach that level the crew will need to dig deep, pushing their bodies to the threshold of their capabilities. The eight men chosen to represent the University must not only be fine oarsmen, but absolute athletes as well. Imperious Bowsider Oscar Nielson is one such rower, but he and Stroke Michael Williams need support from the whole crew. One thing Bevan does have on his side, is numbers. Competition for places come the summer should see strength and fitness levels improve significantly as no-one wants to miss out on that Henley boat.

YORK VISION

SPORT

Tuesday March 4, 2008

goodricke 4 : 2 halifax: match report

REFFING HELL

Goodricke comeback marred by circumstances

BY ROBERT ROMANS A wise man (or rather, student) once said that College Sport is “for fun”. College Sport is designed for enjoyment; not for controversy and acts of dissent by players. The match between Goodricke and Halifax offered the latter and highlighted the long-standing refereeing problems which Vision exposed in November 2007. The match got off to a calm start whilst Halifax enjoyed a lot of possession and made their dominance count when Brennan capitalised on lacklustre defending to put Halifax in front. Goodricke failed to make a decent impression in the opening twenty minutes and resorted to hesitant clearances to keep Halifax at bay and aimless long ball football. Their passing lacked fluency and Goodricke looked short of confidence. It was of little surprise that Halifax went 2-0 up when Donnellen capitalised on more inept Goodricke defending. However, the mellow atmosphere of the match gradually eroded as Halifax became victims of controversial refereeing decisions. Halifax’s annoyance at the referee’s inept decision-making was palpable as he allowed Goodricke goal, scored by Collin High, to stand, despite appearing yards offside. Minutes later, Goodricke drew level as Halifax conceded a penalty. However, there were no grounds for complaint as the penalty was rightly rewarded. Andrew Ramsden converted it to put Goodricke on level terms, despite Halifax's first-half control. Goodricke, buoyed by their resurgence late in the first-half, got off to a fantastic start after the break, as goals from Eddie Silson and Owen Grafham put them 4-2 up. Halifax’s afternoon went from bad to worse as referee Andy Case sent off Ian McKellow for dissent. Despite being reduced to ten men, Halifax still managed to cause Goodricke some problems and looked the better side for parts of the second half.

Halifax had chances to fight back but failed to take them; Goodricke’s clinical finishing was the key difference. Star players Owen Grafham and Andy Ramsden stood out, as did diminuitive striker Eddie Silson. There was more drama to come. In the latter stages of the match, as Halifax were preparing to take a free-kick, Halifax player McKellow, still fuming from his sending off, was standing on the edge of the pitch and told referee Andy Case to “f*ck off ”, before also labelling him a “f*cking c*nt”. Case, who was aggravated by McKellow’s constant Neil Warnock-style outbursts, turned to AU vice-President Jack Kennedy, a keen spectator of the match, and asked him for support. Case stopped the game whilst Kennedy appealed for McKellow to move away from the pitch; the referee then threatened to abandon match if McKellow continued to verbally abuse him. Case stated that he couldn’t referee in such conditions and alluded that such comments could “jeopardise his safety”. Kennedy helped to restore order and the final few minutes of the match passed without incident. The Halifax players were not short of criticism about the referee after the match. Halifax’s Paul Nightingale, who had been substituted during the match commented: “He’s clearly a good referee, as he is qualified. However, College Sport is all about fun and sending people off really spoils it. Refereeing involves common sense and the quality of refereeing has been very inconsistent this season”. The red-carded Ian McKellow further lamented the quality of College Sport refereeing this year and criticised the referee’s decision to send him off. Such sentiments were also echoed by Halifax’s Jonny Curtis. Curtis was happy with his side’s performance despite the defeat and controversial refereeing decisions. Unsurprisingly, the referee declined to comment.

Adding to the suspense, AU Presidential candidate Jack Kennedy revealed after the match that the set of fixtures that were postponed at the beginning of the term would be played this week - thus ensuring that this weekend's round of matches would not be the last one. This will offer Halifax an opportunity to redeem themselves. However, the referees might have other ideas... Line-ups: Halifax: Patel; Broadhurst, Joseph, Rixon, Clark; Fahey, Nightingale, Brennan, McKellow; Moore, Donnellen. Goodricke: Taylor; Grayland, Lewis, York, Joyce; Ramsden, High, Reilly, Smith; Silson, Grafham. Star man: Silson (Goodricke).

Read our m a report tch Add t s ! he Fac e

book applic ation w.yor kvisio n.co.u k The O NLY p lace t depth o read covera inge of this w eek's sport! at ww

Sunday's football match results: Goodricke 4-2 Halifax Alcuin 4-1 Langwith Vanbrugh 2-1 Wentworth Derwent 2-1 James

VIOLENCE AND CONTROVERSY CONTINUE TO UNDERMINE COLLEGE SPORT

BY ANDY MCGRATH AND ROB ROMANS FROM BACK PAGE

Hewitt had a point; in the same game that Chris Collinson was refereeing, a player was punched and only a yellow card was produced. Gareth Williams, who was on the receiving end, commented: "I got hit by a guy called Lawrence from James College. I wasn’t too bothered, I was happy just getting him back later or something. The referee didn’t see the incident, but gave him a yellow. He came over and asked “did you hit him?” and the guy said “yeah” so he said “right then, yellow card.” I couldn’t believe it, it should have been a red or nothing at all. Ridiculous.” Moreover, it has also been discovered that an Alcuin college football player has been moonlighting, playing games for another college. AU Presidential candidate Jack Kennedy is aware that there are currently problems with refereeing and it is something that needs to be solved: "At the beginning of last term, we had a meeting with some of the refs and told them we wanted to stamp out dissent and abuse, so they needed to be harder. In general I think that has happened. They’ve not been told to produce cards willy-nilly, but to produce cards for justifiable acts of dissent and violence. There is a problem." he said, “It’s hard to have the same set of refs week-in, week-out, and if we did I think there’d be more respect for them. But people pull out last minute and we have to put in new refs, and they don’t always ref to the same degrees.” he concluded. While rugby 10s was deemed a

success overall, the injury count was high: on the Vanbrugh team alone, three players - Tristan Buckley, Sam Bates and James Sweetman - went to hospital. Injuries ranged from swallowed teeth to dislocated arms. Furthermore, one game was called off due to violent behaviour, as tempers threatened to boil over into a fracas: “Adam Carrington called one game off for violence,” said Kennedy. “It was a very good decision. Both teams were happy, not at the time, but 5 minutes later they

AU Presidential candidate Kennedy is keen to see the end to the problems of college sport. realised it was the right decision. I don’t want to see violence in college sport, I want to see it stamped out. But it can’t happen just like that”.

Tuesday March 4 2008

Issue 187

SPORTVISION

AU ELECTIONS: WHO'S NEXT?

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IS ALL WELL WITH COLLEGE SPORT? COLLEGE s > Controversial refereeing decisions g n i d n a t s > Violence, injury and punch-ups 148 1. Halifax e > Halifax ease ahead in standings 2. Goodrick 134 0 1 1 h g u r b n a V . 3 102 4. Alcuin 0 0 1 s e m a J 5. 92 6. Derwent 68 7. Langwith th 35 8. Wentwor BY ANDY MCGRATH AND ROB ROMANS

A HECTIC WEEKEND for college sport has erupted in a storm of violence, ugly play and controversy.

As expected, tempers also ran high in the reintroduced rugby 10s; frustration and anger nearly boiled over into fights on

more than one occasion, while the physical nature of the tournament saw a host of broken and dislocated limbs. And, in shades of the Martin T ay l o r - E d u ardo shocker, a college player has re por tedly been banned from football after breaking an ankle after a vicious challenge. In college football, Vanbrugh linch-

pin Daniel Hewitt was sent off by none other than AU presidential candidate Chris Collinson. Hewitt commented: “It was two innocuous challenges and probably deserved a sending off in a professional match, but not in a College match. He over-reacted.” Hewitt felels the standards of College match-refereeing are improving, but insisted that there was room for improvement: “It’s getting better, but referees need clearer guidelines about what constitutes a red or yellow in College football, as it is unique.”

FULL STORY: Page 27

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