Misconceptions About Foster Parenting

What’s keeping you from becoming involved?

By SHAREN E. FORD

When the Smiths,* who were newly licensed foster parents, got the call from their social worker, it wasn’t quite what they were expecting. The Smiths had said they would welcome a younger child into their home. The social worker was now asking whether they’d be willing to take in two sisters — an elementary aged child and a middle-schooler.

The Smiths were torn. They didn’t want to say no to these sisters, but they weren’t sure they could handle the older sister’s behavioral issues. It might be too much, they thought.

After careful consideration, the Smiths told their social worker they would be willing to take the younger sister but not the older one. The sisters were separated and placed in different homes.

There are a few misconceptions that keep people from becoming involved in foster care or taking in certain foster children. Here are four:

Four Misconceptions

1. Foster children — especially older ones — are too difficult to manage. It’s true that many foster children act out, but there are reasons for their behaviors. God’s design is for kids to have parents who love, nurture and protect them. Trauma from abuse, neglect, or abandonment can affect a child’s cognitive development. Difficult behaviors often result.

However, with proper love and care, much healing can occur. Kids of all ages need love, including teens. Many foster children respond to kindness, and some will thrive in a loving and safe environment.

Jesus calls us to love the least of these (Matthew 25:31–46). This includes troubled young people who may not always know how to show love in return. When James challenges Christ followers to care for orphans in their distress (James 1:27), he doesn’t add a caveat about behavioral issues.

God can use you to change the life of a child or teenager for His glory. Trust Him to work through you. 2. It is not possible to love a child who is not biologically related to me. Why not? You likely already love many people who are not biologically related to you, including your spouse, in-laws, and close friends. The human heart, because it is created by a God who is love (1 John 4:16), is capable of loving a wide variety of people. This includes children who were brought into this world by other parents.

3. The birth parents are irredeemThe human able people who heart is don’t deserve to get their children back. capable of This is a difficult loving a wide one for many foster variety of parents, and understandably so. people. Naturally, foster This includes parents don’t want to see the kids they children have loved and nurwho were tured returned to a potentially harmful brought into situation. They may this world even struggle with by other feelings of anger and bitterness toward the parents. people who abused or neglected these precious children.

But God calls us to compassion and forgiveness. He wants us to see people as He does: as human beings He came to save. Every birth parent who has lost a child to the foster care system is made in the image of God. Jesus loves and can redeem each one.

Has God given you a second chance in life? How about a third, fourth, or beyond? We are all sinners in desperate need of a Savior. These birth parents may have made some serious mistakes, but the God

*The Smiths are a composite of two families the author has known.

who loves them asks you to love them as well. They are the neighbors Jesus calls you to love as you love yourself (Matthew 22:39).

This does not mean birth parents should always be reunited with their children. There are cases in which reunification is unsafe, and the children become available for adoption. Either way, we can demonstrate the love of Christ. As Christians, loving people is not negotiable.

I am in no way suggesting foster parents should look the other way if they see red flags. If the child reports something concerning, it is important to notify the social worker. The court needs all the facts to determine what is in the best interest of the child. 4. The system is too broken to work with. The system likely is broken, but that is not a reason to turn away a child in need. It is broken because it is made up of people who are also broken. As you are. As we all are.

The Church should not run from broken systems, especially those that affect the lives and well-being of children and families. Rather, we should run toward the brokenness, asking God to use us — our voices, our presence, and our advocacy — to help bring healing to that broken system, as He has brought healing to our lives.

Fear of losing our sense of control. Fear of falling in love with a child only to see that child return to his or her birth family. It’s OK to have fears. But don’t allow those fears to prevent you from opening your heart and home to a hurting child who desperately needs both. In the midst of our fears, we know that God is “a father to the fatherless” and that He “sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:5–6). Perhaps God wants to use you and your family to fulfill that promise. If so, We know that God is “a father to the step out in faith, not fear. After fatherless” and that He “sets the lonely all, “there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear” in families” (Psalm 68:5–6). Perhaps (1 John 4:18). God wants to use you and your family Ask God to drive out your fears, and prayerfully consider stepping to fulfill that promise. out in faith to care for children in foster care. No, the road won’t always be smooth. But you can be certain God will be with you (Joshua 1:5) and will equip you to do whatever He calls you to do. When the court ordered sibling visitations to take place, the Smiths got to know the sister of their foster daughter. They began to build a relationship with her and eventually became close with her. The girl moved into their home so she could be placed with her younger sister, and the Smiths ended up adopting both girls. Their misconceptions, rooted in fear, were cast out by the perfect love of God. And it was done for His glory, and for this family’s good. God is good. If He calls you to foster parenting, talk to others about your fears and misconceptions. Pray over and through them. And trust God. He wants to use you to bless the lives of others. Will you let Him?

Love Over Fear

These are but a few of the misconceptions people have about foster parenting. Fear is often at the root of our hesitancy — fear of what foster parenting will mean for ourselves, our marriages, and our biological children. Fear that we will be found inadequate.

SHAREN E. FORD, Ph.D., is director of foster care and adoption at Focus on the Family in Colorado Springs, Colorado.