FROM THE EDITOR
By Rob Okun
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Choreographing the Father-Son Dance
ain was gently falling overhead; clouds obscured the stars. I was safe and dry in my son Jonah’s tent. I turned off the flashlight and dozed. I was sleeping a parent’s weekend sleep—one ear open waiting for his safe return. Old habits die hard; I needn’t have been so vigilant. He had only gone in search of cell service to call his girlfriend to say goodnight; he was years past high school curfews. Jonah is our youngest and had recently finished college. As a graduation present we were spending the weekend at a writing workshop at a conference center and camp we both have a long history with and deeply love. We hadn’t done something like this for some time—just the two of us going away for a few days—so the gift was as much for me as for him. Fathers and mothers benefit from oneon-one time with their progeny, regardless of their age. Parenting adult children (Jonah has three older sisters in their late twenties and early thirties) isn’t as straightforward as raising younger kids. Hopefully, after a few decades on the job, we’ve learned to shift from the spread-the-peanut-butter-onthe-bread Mother/Father role to TC (trusted consultant) available 24/7. It’s a practice, though, learning to balance offering support with keeping hands off. I don’t always get it right. The weekend Jonah and I spent together afforded me plenty of opportunities to practice. I had to pay attention, knowing when it was time to lead and when it was 2
Voice Male
time to follow in the beautiful, complicated father-son dance we’d been choreographing for more than two decades. When he returned to the tent, unzipping the flap slowly so as not to wake me, I whispered a greeting. “Everything okay?” “Yeah, Dad. Everything’s great.” Once he’d settled into his sleeping bag, we lay in the dark for a long time talking; my heart brimming over with happiness. It was not about the content—rich and varied—it was about how comfortable we were, how relaxed, how intimate. For me, the weekend had been a success before it had barely begun. I slept deeply until a hard rain fell at first light. As private and personal as these moments are, isn’t it better for men to talk about them with one another than bury them under the cloak of men’s silence? How else can we break free of our legacy of isolation, of too rarely sharing our feelings? How can we hope to transform our lives if we are stuck in our silos of individual invulnerability? How can fathers help raise sons to access their emotional lives if we aren’t willing to access ours? Becoming a father, of course, isn’t necessary for every man to become a full adult, to find his way as a man. But even for those who aren’t fathers, there are plenty of occasions to mentor, to “uncle”—to access that part of ourselves that innately knows how to nurture. There’s a tenderness to fathering that gets lost in popular culture’s
stick figure sketch—dad as good-natured bumbler. Happily, change is afoot; it’s time to quicken the pace. As more men step forward to honor their roles as fathers (see the moving Fathering columns by Jeremy Adam Smith and Gregory Collins on pages 22 and 23), there’s an opportunity for even more of us to take the initiative to balance our private, personal approach to fathering with a more public, political one. Our underrepresented voices in the ongoing war against women, for example, is a case in point. It is an apt moment for fathers to organize as fathers on behalf of our wives, daughters and sisters— biological and otherwise. It’s a powerful time for fathers to embrace that enduring insight from the women’s movement: the personal is political. Rather than stand mute when old school men seek to impose their will on decisions that rightly belong to women, imagine campaigns that begin with “As a father, I…” The Fatherhood Brigade remains an underdeveloped force for social change. After the weekend, Jonah went back to his house and garden and I returned to mine. If previous patterns prevailed, some days would pass before I’d hear from him. As difficult as it is going from total contact to no contact at all, it gave me a chance to reflect on our time together. In quiet moments throughout the weekend, whether attending the same workshop or sitting together at meals, I’d look over at him engaged in conversation and marvel at the man he has become. Considerably more emotionally intelligent than I was in my early twenties, what I realized was this: In the father-son dance we’ve been practicing since he was a baby, we had learned more than just how to avoid stepping on each other’s toes. Now we were learning how to balance the space between leading and following. That lesson, I realized, applies to all the others parts of my life—from my work with men to my relationships at home. In the space between leading and following is everything I need to know.
Voice Male editor Rob Okun can be reached at rob@voicemalemagazine.org.
Summer 2012
Volume 16 No. 57
Changing Men in Changing Times www.voicemalemagazine.org
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Features 7 W M D N By Stephen McArthur
8 “W’ R: Y, . W.” By Yashar Ali
11 F B B P By Jessica Valenti
14 W B T I A R
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By SarahWerthan Buttenwieser
16 Dancing to Uncover a “New Maskulinity” By Lacey Byrne
19 W D W H D W M’ H A L By Lundy Bancroft and Rus Funk
Columns & Opinion 2 4
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M @ W O
The Arc of Gay History Bends Toward Justice by Kevin Powell
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Fatherhood’s Next Act By Jeremy Adam Smith
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25 27 29 30 31 32
Staying Alive as a Stay-at-Home Father By Gregory Collins Meditation By Al Miller Desire By George Bilgere with commentary by Maia Mares M H
Prostate Cancer Testing: Not the Final Word By Tim Baehr
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When We Stay Silent to Bullying By William Roy
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Straight, White and Male: Lowest Difficulty Setting By Fivel Rothberg
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The Mama’s Boy Myth Reviewed by Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser
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male positive • pro-feminist • open-minded Summer 2012
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Rob A. Okun Editor
Lahri Bond
Art Director
Michael Burke Copy Editor
Read Predmore
Circulation Coordinator
Zach Bernard, Arjun Downs, Maia Mares, Adam Leader-Smith Interns
VOICE MALE is published quarterly by the Alliance for Changing Men, an affiliate of Family Diversity Projects, PO Box 1280, Amherst, MA 01004. It is mailed to subscribers in the U.S., Canada, and overseas and is distributed at select locations around the country and to conferences, universities, colleges and secondary schools, and among non-profit and non-governmental organizations. The opinions expressed in Voice Male are those of its writers and do not necessarily reflect the views of the advisors or staff of the magazine, or its sponsor, Family Diversity Projects. Copyright © 2012 Alliance for Changing Men/Voice Male magazine. Subscriptions: 4 issues-$28. 8 issues$45. Institutions: $40 and $55. For bulk orders, go to voicemalemagazine. org or call Voice Male at 413.687-8171. Advertising: For advertising rates and deadlines, go to voicemalemagazine. org or call Voice Male 413.687-8171. Submissions: The editors welcome letters, articles, news items, reviews, story ideas and queries, and information about events of interest. Unsolicited manuscripts are welcomed but the editors cannot be responsible for their loss or return. Manuscripts and queries may be sent via email to www.voicemalemagazine.org or mailed to Editors: Voice Male, PO Box 1280, Amherst, MA 01004.
Mail Bonding Rx for Patch I found your wonderful magazine in my mail mountain after I recently returned with 20 clowns from our fourth annual Ecuador clown tour and an alternative Spring break in Guatemala. Bravo. I like it a lot. Keep making us softer. Peace. P.S. I am wondering what your 10 favorite books on males being men are. Patch Adams Hillsboro,West Virginia
Dr. Hunter Doherty “Patch” Adams, an American physician, clown and, social activist, says, “Keep making us softer.”
Editor’s Note: Among our suggestions are: Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men by Michael S. Kimmel; Men’s Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart by Paul Kivel; The Gender Knot: Unraveling Our Patriarchal Legacy by Allan G. Johnson; Cracking the Armor by Michael Kaufman; The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help by Jackson Katz; The Guy’s Guide to Feminism by Michael Kaufman and Michael Kimmel; The End of
N A B Juan Carlos Areán
National Latin@ Network for Healthy Families and Communities
John Badalament
Bill T. Jones/Arnie Zane Dance Co.
Eve Ensler
Mentors in Violence Prevention Strategies
Tom Gardner
White Ribbon Campaign
The Modern Dad V-Day
Professor of Communications Westfield State College
Byron Hurt
God Bless the Child Productions
Robert Jensen
Prof. of Journalism, Univ. of Texas
Sut Jhally
Media Education Foundation
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Allan G. Johnson
Novelist and author, The Gender Knot
Voice Male
Bill T. Jones
Jackson Katz
Michael Kaufman Joe Kelly
Fathering Educator, The Emily Program
Michael Kimmel
Prof. of Sociology SUNY Stony Brook
Charles Knight
Other & Beyond Real Men
Don McPherson
Mentors in Violence Prevention
Manhood by John Stoltenberg; The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love by bell hooks. The novel Recent History by Anthony Giordano. We also recommend these films: Tough Guise: Violence, Media & the Crisis in Masculinity by Sut Jhally, Jeremy Earp and Jackson Katz; The Bro Code: How Contemporary Culture Creates Sexist Men by Tom Keith; Hip-Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes by Byron Hurt. Letters may be sent via email to www.voicemalemagazine.org or mailed to Editors: Voice Male, PO Box 1280, Amherst, MA 01004.
Mike Messner
Prof. of Sociology Univ. of So. California
E. Ethelbert Miller
African American Resource Center, Howard University
Craig Norberg-Bohm
Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe
Judy Norsigian
Our Bodies Our Selves
Chris Rabb
Afro-Netizen
Haji Shearer
Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund
Joan Tabachnick NEARI Press
Shira Tarrant
Prof. of Gender and Sexuality Studies, California State Long Beach
Men @ Work time to fundamental female reproductive issues, the least we can do is return the favor.” The side effects of drugs that treat impotence “are very real,” Turner said. “I want to [protect] fragile men who are vulnerable and are not able to make decisions for themselves.”
Ohio state senator Nina Turner introduced Viagra notification legislation this spring.
Fragile Men Need Protection An Ohio state senator is joining women across the country in fighting back against laws that govern their sex lives with legislation of their own— introducing bills that, among other things, would require men to undergo psychological evaluation before being able to obtain prescriptions for Viagra. Sen. Nina Turner (D-Cleveland) introduced Senate Bill 307 (www.legislature.state.oh.us/ bills.cfm?ID= 129_S8_307) to require a man who wants an erectile dysfunction drug to provide his doctor with a notarized affidavit—from at least one sex partner—that says he’s had symptoms in the previous 90 days.
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Turner says she also wants to rally women across the country to push for similar bills in their states. “It is crucial that we take the appropriate steps to shelter vulnerable men from the potential side effects of these drugs,” Turner wrote. Turner proposed the law out of frustration with House Bill 125, which would effectively ban most abortions in Ohio because it prohibits them if a fetal heartbeat can be detected—something that can be discovered as early as six weeks after conception, sometime before a woman knows she is pregnant. There’s no exception for rape or incest. Turner noted that since “the men in our lives, including members of the [Ohio] General Assembly, generously devote
Sioux City Project Says No to Bullying The Sioux City Project, a South Dakota effort to prevent bullying and other violence in Sioux City schools, was chosen as a finalist for an international community-improvement award from the United Way. The collaboration between the schools, Waitt Institute for Violence Prevention and the United Way of Siouxland was one of seven finalists for the Common Good Awards. The result of a five-year study, it uses a community-wide approach to addressing dating violence and bullying. “It’s a great honor to have our community recognized for our collaborative spirit in preventing violence and bullying,” said Cindy Waitt, president of the Waitt Institute. “I’ve always thought one of the strengths of
Sioux City is its people, and how we come together to address important issues.” Started in 2006, the Sioux City Project aims to decrease the number of violent and bullying incidents, encouraging families to talk to their children about bullying, and students to intervene when they see it happen. The project also sought to raise awareness and discussion of dating abuse and domestic violence. Other finalists came from Camden, N.J., Los Angeles, Milwaukee, Wis., Santa Cruz, Calif., Spartanburg, S.C., and Sydney, Australia. Sixty-two communities submitted projects for consideration. To learn more, go to wivp.waittinstitute.org.
Men’s Rights Activists Promote Hate The Southern Poverty Law Center has named men’s rights activists as a hate group, citing them—alternately known as fathers’ rights activists—as virulently misogynist, spreading false anti-woman propaganda and applauding acts of extreme violence against women. In “Leader’s Suicide Brings Attention to Men’s Rights
Obama Says Yes to Gay Marriage—Finally
hen I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer: I believe same-sex couples should be allowed to marry. I’ve always believed that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally. I was reluctant to use the term marriage because of the very powerful traditions it evokes. And I thought civil union laws that conferred legal rights upon gay and lesbian couples were a solution. But over the course of several years I’ve talked to friends and family about this. I’ve thought about members of my staff in longterm, committed, same-sex relationships who are raising kids together. Through our efforts to end the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, I’ve gotten to know some of the
gay and lesbian troops who are serving our country with honor and distinction. What I’ve come to realize is that for loving, same-sex couples, the denial of marriage equality means that, in their eyes and the eyes of their children, they are still considered less than full citizens. Even at my own dinner table, when I look at Sasha and Malia, who have friends
whose parents are same-sex couples, I know it wouldn’t dawn on them that their friends’ parents should be treated differently. So I decided it was time to affirm my personal belief that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry. I respect the beliefs of others, and the right of religious institutions to act in accordance with their own doctrines. But I believe that in the eyes of the law, all Americans should be treated equally. And where states enact same-sex marriage, no federal act should invalidate them. —Barack Obama http://my.barackobama.com/Marriage
Summer 2012
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Men @ Work Movement� in the Spring issue of its publication The Year in Hate and Extremism, reporter Arthur Goldwag describes the self-immolation of men’s rights activist Thomas Jefferson Ball outside of a New Hampshire family law courthouse. Allies of the dead men’s rights activist say the act was intended as a call-toarms to their constituency who feel slighted by the American family law courts. Ball, leader of the Worcester branch of the Massachusettsbased Fatherhood Coalition, wrote a lengthy “Last Statement,� which arrived posthumously at the Keene (New Hampshire) Sentinel. In it he said he had hit his four-year old daughter and bloodied her mouth after she licked his hand as he was putting her to bed, acts he claimed were overblown by a feminist-friendly court system. Ball’s suicide brought attention to an underworld of angry men sharply critical of the family court system, domestic violence laws, and false rape accusations. They maintain scores of websites, blogs and forums devoted to attacking women—the so-called “manosphere.� The Southern Poverty Law Center is a nonprofit civil rights organization dedicated to fighting hate and bigotry founded in 1971. –Radfem News Service http://radfemworldnews. wordpress.com/
Guylons & Brosiery? What are the newest fashion statements for men? Mantyhose, for one, according to an Italian leg wear company. If that’s not your thing, then there’s guylashes. A British company, Eylure, has started selling false eyelashes for men. And even if the average guy won’t necessarily go for lashes and tights, they do obsess over their stomachs. Mei Lin Ong has figured that out and created Comprexa, slimming shape wear for men made from state-of-the art medical grade compression material. 6
Voice Male
The manufactuer claims the new undergarments make body conscious men look like they’ve just left the gym. Hmmm. Prices start at $65. www. comprexa.com/shop/products_ new.php
The Demise of Guys? Is the overuse of video games and pervasiveness of online porn undermining the health and wellbeing of young men? Increasingly, researchers say yes, as younger males become hooked on arousal, sacrificing their schoolwork and relationships in the pursuit of getting a techbased buzz. The Demise of Guys: Why Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, a new book by psychologist Dr. Philip Zimbardo and psychologistartist Nikita Duncan, suggests the excessive use of video games and online porn in pursuit of the “next thing� is creating a generation of risk-averse guys who are unable (and unwilling) to navigate the complexities and risks inherent in real-life relationships, school and employment. Stories about this degeneration are rampant. In 2009, MTV’s “True Life� highlighted the story of a man named Adam whose wife kicked him out of their home—they have four kids together—because he couldn’t stop watching porn. Norwegian mass murder suspect Anders Behring Breivik reported during his trial that he prepared his mind and body for
his marksman-focused shooting of 77 people by playing World of Warcraft for a year and then Call of Duty for 16 hours a day. A recent study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that “regular porn users are more likely to report depression and The age of male contraception may finally be upon us. poor physical health than nonusers are...The Another promising contrareason? ‌Porn may start a cycle ceptive method, Vasalgel (or of isolation...[and] may become RISUG, for Reversible Inhibia substitute for healthy face- tion of Sperm Under Guidance), to-face interactions, social or moved to its third stage of clinical sexual.â€? trials last year in India. A U.S.S i m i l a r l y, r e s e a r c h e r s based foundation has taken the conclude, video games also go lead in seeking FDA approval for wrong when the person playing the method. Reversible and apthem is desensitized to reality parently side-effect free, Vasalgel and real-life interactions with is a polymer that, when injected others. into the sperm-carrying vas deferens, renders infertile all sperm that pass through it. Developers Male Contraception? say the polymer can remain in It’s in the Bag SODFH XQWLO LW LV HDVLO\ Ă€XVKHG RXW The age of male contracep- by another harmless chemical WLRQ PD\ ÂżQDOO\ EH XSRQ XV DQG injection, restoring fertility. Critwith it, a new social paradigm of ics wonder, though, whether the shared responsibility for preg- polymer could prove to be for nancy in heterosexual couples. men what silicone has been for 6FLHQWLÂżF EUHDNWKURXJKV VRPH women with breast implants—a recent and some decades old, potential health hazard. A few troubling questions show promise for developing, in the next ten years, readily avail- ORRP RYHU DOO WKLV VFLHQWLÂżF H[able, reversible, non-hormonal citement. Would heterosexual male contraception. In May, men be willing to share or even geneticists at the University of take over the responsibility for Edinburgh reported they had pregnancy prevention? Would LGHQWLÂżHG D JHQH LQ UDWV ZKLFK men and women be tempted appears to control late-stage to shirk the use of condoms, spermatogenesis (the produc- which still remain the only way tion of mature sperm to prevent the spread of most cells). Male rats bred STIs? Will the costs of these without this gene, new methods of contracepknown as Katnal1, tion be prohibitive, leading to produced immature, a wide socioeconomic gap in useless sperm with no their use? Until these questions other side effects. The are answered the age of responupshot for men? If the sible male contraception may be gene could be targeted stalled on the launch pad. For more information on and temporarily inhibited in human male male contraception, see http:// testes, it could poten- www.newmalecontraception. tially cause worry- org and http://malecontracepfree, reversible male tives.org. —Arjun Downs infertility.
Regular porn users are more likely to report depression and poor physical health than nonusers.
Photos.com
When Men Do Nothing By Stephen McArthur (*inspired by Martin Niemöller’s “First they came for...”) First, he began to tell her what to wear, and I did nothing because, obviously, he cares what she looks like. Then, he came home from a bad day at work and told her the house looked like crap and said she was a pig, and I did nothing because it is his house, isn’t it? Then, he started calling her bitch and stupid fat whore when he was angry, and I did nothing because I give money to breast cancer research and wear a pink ribbon; Then, he warned her not to go anywhere with her bitchy best friend, and I did nothing because he was just trying to protect her; Then, when she did meet her best friend for lunch, he put his fist through the wall a foot from her head, seething with anger, and I did nothing because he did tell her not to, didn’t he? Then, he told her not to go anywhere without him, and I did nothing because it’s not really my business; Then, when she did, he showed her the gun he bought, and I did nothing because I am active in the peace movement; Then, when she threatened to call the police, he told her they wouldn’t believe her, and I did nothing because the cops can handle this type of thing; Then, when she told him she didn’t want to have sex anymore and he forced her, I did nothing because she’s his wife, isn’t she?
And then, when she said she was leaving him, he said he would commit suicide if she did, and I did nothing because it was just an idle threat; And then when she did leave, and he found her and shot her, I did nothing because it was too late. And besides, isn’t there some kind of woman’s group that could have dealt with this?
Stephen McArthur is prevention education coordinator and hotline and court advocate for the Battered Women’s Services & Shelter in Washington County, Vermont. A member of Vermont Approach to Ending Sexual Violence and Vermont Sexual Violence Prevention Task Force, he can be reached at fsmcarthur@gmail.com.
* First they came First they came for the communists, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a communist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak out for me. — Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984)
Summer 2012
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Richmond Times-Dispatch
“Women’s Rights: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”
By Yashar Ali
More men should join women in rallies to support women’s rights, like this protest last March outside the Virginia state capitol in Richmond. But, author Yashar Ali argues, the real work in supporting women begins after they’ve put down their picket signs and returned to the quiet of their homes.
Gender issues writer Yashar Ali is used to people, including friends, seeing his writing and advocacy on behalf of women as an “overreaction”—that his views on what women really face in our culture are overblown. Ali disagrees. “As a man, I don’t deal with the same kind of dismissal that women are subject to… Women who attempt to…discuss concerns they have with the men who claim to love them too often get a wave of the hand, and hear, ‘Yeah, yeah, women’s rights, it’s important, I know. Whatever.’” As Ali sees it, “The men who dismiss these women treat their desire for equality as if it were a hobby or a pet project. But, he argues, such men are fundamentally dismissing the women with whom they are speaking. “For men to really understand the obstacles women face on an everyday basis,” he says, “we are going to have to come out of our comfort zone... to break the seemingly equitable surface between the genders.” 8
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y work in support of women is not an overreaction. Men will never truly understand what it’s like to be a woman moving about in her day, but we must at least make an effort to learn if we are to combat gender discrimination. Why don’t men dig deeper into gender inequality? Why is a discussion of gender inequality such an annoying bore to men, especially socially progressive men who would otherwise advocate on behalf of any other oppressed group or population? What really frustrates me is my male friends’ willingness to stand up for women, but only if the situation involves rape or domestic violence—and even then their support is often tepid, and rarely proactive. I am not discounting the efforts of men who do advocate for women who are facing, or have faced, sexual and physical abuse. Still, if we think that we’ve done our part to balance the gender scales and can go home after fighting for women on these critical matters, we’re fooling ourselves.
The same progressive male friends accuse me of overreacting when it comes to advocating for women’s rights or say things like, “Oh god, here we go again” when I try to address gender inequality. (They say it’s in jest, but it’s really not.) Who would dare accuse me of overreaction if I were writing about, say issues related to race or sexual orientation? Why? As much as we live in a racist, homophobic culture, gender inequity is a great equalizer—the hatred for women is universal and knows no race, sexual orientation…or sometimes gender. Some men seem to believe that gender issues are no longer relevant because most of us are looking at the man/woman power balance in terms of statistics, anecdotes, and governmental change. If we only look at statistics, there is evidence that things are better for women—and lots of evidence that they’re not, especially since the modernday women’s movement began in the 1960s and ’70s. For example, in the United States, more women attend college than men by
a 57 percent to 43 percent margin. A Time magazine cover story not long ago reported that over the past 20 years, the percentage of women who earn more than their husbands has risen by 14 percent. The article also pointed out that since 1965, men have tripled their weekly domestic contributions. These are all positive numbers—but they are just a start. I fear, though, stories like these will lead to relaxing concern over gender imbalance. So while we may have made a great deal of progress in those departments, among many others, it doesn’t change the fact that women still face substantial and regular discrimination. Despite the very public war being waged against women in America this year, gender discrimination has been moving deeper and deeper underground, no longer as publicly visible as it once was. The intensity hasn’t changed; the discrimination has just become covert. A man can point to his wife or sister and note that she is a company executive as proof that women face no glass ceiling in the corporate world. He can point to the fact that at work, he reports to a woman, or in his particular position, there happens to be a female colleague who is paid more than he is. And some men will say, “Well my wife (or girlfriend) tells me what to do, she controls pretty much all we do”—as if that anecdote, if actually true, speaks to the fact that gender discrimination doesn’t really exist. Finally, there is the biggest way in which men misjudge gender imbalance: we look at the issue of gender discrimination in terms of governmental change as a justification for pushing women’s issues off our radar. We can point to many laws that balance the gender scales: from equal pay laws to pregnancy discrimination laws. Over the past 30 years, a great deal of progress has indeed been made in the U.S. and other countries. Besides the obvious, these laws are only useful when discrimination is reported and the laws are enforced. We can’t legislate to protect women against many of the nearly invisible issues they face today and have no real way to report. We can’t make a law to protect women against devastating emotional abuse. We can’t make a law that requires parents to instill in their daughters a healthy body image. We can’t force a legislature to pass a law that demands husbands be supportive of their wives during menopause. While it’s important to look at the gender imbalance issue through these lenses, the most important and most often forgotten
perspective is through empathy. Empathy is about understanding, about being aware, about making attempts to feel what another person feels. Men can selectively use the statistics, the laws, and stories around us to explain away the gender imbalance and deny the subtle form of sexism as a serious issue. Only when we work to understand, to empathize, to learn what women face—to ask how it feels to be a woman—will men begin to get the outline of an idea about the world in which they live. I don’t mean to suggest men are less capable of empathy than women. It’s just that we are conditioned not to feel comfortable exhibiting that emotion. Since we tend not to exercise it much it atrophies. Being empathetic, taking the energy to emerge from our perfectly comfortable reality can be frightening, rocking our safe world of denial. It’s just too much work for many of us.
We can’t make a law to protect women against emotional abuse just as we can’t make a law requiring parents to instill in their daughters a healthy body image. Government stats and anecdotes have their place, but they don’t tell the whole story of discrimination against women. Women often don’t share their feelings of frustration because their claims too often are dismissed as “You’re just overreacting” or, “You’re paranoid.” The question for me is, do men have to first care about individual women enough to notice what they are facing, or do we first have to notice what they are dealing with in order to care about their burdens? I am reminded of a seminal moment that sparked my own awareness of gender imbalances. I was 21 and out with two female friends at an electronics store. As I explored the DVD section, they were asking a male salesperson questions. After several minutes, they found me and described their frustrating exchange with this man—hired, they reminded me, to help customers. They said the guy was unhelpful, giving only short, clipped responses to their questions. My friend Mychelle told me, “It’s a woman thing.” When I looked confused, she said, “He doesn’t want to deal with us
because we’re women.” They said it was clear he didn’t want to help them, probably believed they wouldn’t understand what he had to say. To prove their point, they asked me to go up to the man and ask him the same questions they had. I did exactly as suggested and found the man to be extremely helpful and very knowledgeable. He could have, it seemed, spent all day with me. Since that moment, I have been witness to many other similar subtle moments of discrimination, only because I was looking for them; I was looking through a new lens. In the case of the salesman, of course he didn’t say to my friends, “I don’t want to help you because you’re women.” He just detached himself; he filtered their questions through his conditioning and arrived at a point where he saw my friends as annoying women who knew nothing. But to him, I was a guy who wanted to learn more and make an informed decision. Through the help of my friends I noticed and since then began to care more deeply. I cared enough about my two friends and for women in general to not tell them that they were overreacting. I cared enough to explore with them what had happened. As much as some people want to portray the fight for gender equity or feminism as a niche issue, it’s not. It permeates everything. Moments like these don’t offer men wake- up calls as rape and domestic violence do. They are the discriminatory equivalent of a paper cut: annoying, painful, and persistent. The underlying fear of female equality lives too often in private. It’s a space largely occupied by women. The only way we are going to solve this problem is if more men crack the door open and offer to join them. Writer Yashar Ali h a s p re v i o u s l y written about men’s understanding of women’s experience in a piece entitled “Men Will Never Truly Understand a Day in the Life of Women. But Shouldn’t We Try?” http:// thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/08/30/ men-will-never-truly-understand-a-day-inthe-life-of-women-but-shouldn’t-we-try/A version of this article appeared on currentconscience.com. Summer 2012
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“Among the things I like about Voice Male is the racial, ethnic and sexual diversity in both its articles and features and its fearless engagement with controversial issues related to masculinities and feminism. It is our movement’s ‘magazine of record,’ playing a role analogous to the one Ms. magazine plays in the women’s movement.”
“I celebrate you for standing with women in the struggle to end violence against women and girls. Your brave magazine is bringing forward the new vision and voices of manhood which will inevitably shift this paradigm and create a world where we are all safe and free.”
—Jackson Katz, writer-activist
—Eve Ensler, activist-playwright
(MVP Strategies)
(The Vagina Monologues)
W’ That’s the question Voice Male tries to answer each issue as it chronicles manhood in transition. The changes men have undergone the past 30 years, our efforts following women in challenging men’s violence, and our ongoing exploration of our interior lives, are central to our vision. The magazine’s roots are deep in the male-positive, profeminist, anti-violence men’s movement. We draw inspiration from the world-changing acts of social transformation women have long advanced and the growing legion of men agitating and advocating for a new expression of masculinity. At this key moment in the national conversation about men, Voice Male has much to contribute. Join us! 4 issues-$28 / 8 issues-$45 Institutional Rate: 4 issues - $40 / 8 issues - $55 To subscribe—or to make a tax-deductible gift—please use the enclosed envelope or go to:
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Voice Male
From Beastly Boy to Profeminist By Jessica Valenti
Over the course of his remarkable career with the Beastie Boys, MCA (Adam Yauch) did more than create great music. He also inspired legions of young men and women by speaking out against sexism, homophobia, anti-Muslim bigotry, and his own band’s early frat-party mentality. Noted feminist activistauthor Jessica Valenti wrote the folllowing tribute to Yauch’s unforgettable artistry, his political courage, and what he meant to a generation of young activists. Yauch died of cancer in May; he was 47.
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he news of Adam Yauch’s death felt like a punch to the stomach. It wasn’t just because I was a fan. (Though it should tell you something about the level of my love for this band that on the day of Yauch’s death I got an e-mail from an ex I had parted ways with 10 years ago checking in on me.) It wasn’t just because—like a lot of people who grew up during a certain time in New York City—the Beastie Boys felt like a cultural touchstone. For a female hiphop fan—for this female hiphop fan, at least—the Beastie Boys meant so much more. Much has been made of Yauch’s Buddhism and dedication to philanthropy. Pieces have even acknowledged the Beastie Boys’ explicit move toward feminism by noting, in passing, MCA’s famous line from “Sure Shot.” I want to say a little something that’s long overdue/ The disrespect to women has to got to be through/ To all the mothers and sisters and the wives and friends/ I want to offer my love and respect till the end. It’s a great line, and it does say a lot—but Yauch’s and the Beastie Boys’ commitment to women went beyond one rhyme. They apologized for past homophobic lyrics in a letter to Time Out New York, writing that “time has healed our stupidity.”
Adam (MCA) Yauch 1965 - 2012 In the Beastie Boys’ anthology The Sounds of Science, Adam Horovitz wrote about “Song for the Man,” and how it was inspired by men he saw harassing a woman on the subway: “Sexism is deeply rooted in our history and society that waking up and stepping outside of it is like I’m watching ‘Night of the Living Dead Part Two’ all day every day. Listening to the lyrics of this song, one might say that the Beastie Boy ‘Fight for Your Right to Party’ guy is a hypocrite. Well, maybe; but in this fucked up world all you can hope for is change, and I’d rather be a hypocrite to you than a zombie forever.” When the band won an award for “Intergalactic” at the 1999 MTV Music Video Awards, Horovitz used the opportunity to talk about the rapes at Woodstock, urging musicians and promoters to prioritize women’s safety. (The year prior, Yauch spoke out against anti-Muslim sentiment in the U.S.) I remember watching that speech as a 20-year-old college student and cheering—then crying with relief. Hearing about Yauch’s death brought back a similar wave of emotion. Once you’ve realized that you’re living in a world that believes women are “less than” in every imaginable way, one of the things Summer 2012
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that can be most frustrating is that very few men Hearing the Beastie Boys speak out against “I want to say a little get it. You want the people in your life, the men sexism made me feel like if these men who had something that’s long you care about, to understand the awful toll once sung about getting girls to “do the laundry” overdue/ The disrespect it can take on you. Operating in a world that and “clean up my room” could understand, to women has to got to be maybe the rest of the world would follow suit. It sees you as less than fully human can be soul through/ To all the mothers made me hopeful in the best way. crushing—but it’s also incredibly lonely. and sisters and the wives When you speak up about any sense of Maybe the shift of a band from seemingly unfairness or injustice, you’re told that you’re misogynist frat boys to thoughtful messengers and friends/ I want to offer over reacting, you’re too angry, too silly—“Shut of feminism isn’t the most transgressive, radical my love and respect till up already!” It takes a tremendous amount of thing in the world. But for women who love the end.”— MCA fortitude to be able to live in this world as a hip-hop—or who love pop culture—and are woman, let alone a woman who wants things to change. denigrated by it every day, it was validation. For one of the first And that’s what was so remarkable and emotional about the times, the music I loved, loved me back. I know that Yauch’s passing Beastie Boys’ feminist turnaround. Maybe your father says sexism doesn’t mean the Beastie Boys will stop their musical or activist doesn’t exist and your boyfriend disrespects you. Maybe you have contributions. But it does mark the end of seeing these three boys to deal with assholes on the subway who rub up against you every turn into men, watching them grow up together into incredible allies day and laugh when you yell at them. But listening to this band that for women. you love so much say that your pain is real, that the world is fucked Yauch left behind a wife and a daughter. I hope that he knew that up and that they are not going to participate in actions that hurt you he made the world a better place for them—and for all of us. anymore because they care about you—it was the overwhelming feeling of being made visible. They were sending a clear message to A founder of feministing.com, Jessica Valenti their female fans: this isn’t okay, we have your back—we’re sorry. is the author most recently of The Purity Myth. It was the apology we never got from the high school teacher Her other books include the anthology Yes who stared at our breasts, the acknowledgment of injustice that Means Yes (coedited with Jaclyn Friedman), politicians and American culture dance around—and it was coming He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and Full Frontal from people whom we cared about and respected, people with Feminism. A version of this article originally cultural power. appeared on TheNation.com.
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Outlines
The Arc of Gay History Bends Toward Justice By Kevin Powell
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Annie Leibovitz
hen Newsweek ran a cover story in May declaring President True enough, but that does not mean, irrespective of who you are, Barack Obama “The First Gay President,” a firestorm of that you cannot and should not have the capacity to feel the suffering of responses, good and ugly, erupted. To be frank, I was shocked those different from you in some way, especially if you are a part of a when Mr. Obama told Robin Roberts on ABC’s Good Morning America group that has experienced a long history of social inequality. For sure that he supported gay marriage. His administration had at first tried to that speaks to your greater humanity if you can do that, at any time, and backslide from Vice President Joe Biden’s comments on Meet the Press in relation to any community. But, sadly, some of us faith-based folks of days before asserting he was “comfortable” with men marrying men, all races and religions walk away from our humanity, decide we are God, and women marrying women. and cite holy texts to condemn lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender But given that North Carolina had just voted “No” in an over- folks to hell, even as some of them are right in our midst, in our spiritual whelming manner on Amendment One, which blocks—among other spaces, in our workplaces, in our neighborhoods, and in our families. things—gay marriage and the basic rights of couples in same-sex rela- People’s inability to see themselves in another explains the heated and tionships, President Obama’s response came as a complete surprise to endless discussions around President Obama’s coming out in May. many of us who support marriage equality for all Americans, regardless And then came the sensationalistic Newsweek cover. Clearly the of sexual orientation. Whatever some may think of Republican presi- magazine is in business to sell copies, particularly in an era when most dential candidate Mitt Romney, this is going to be a very close election, of us are more likely to get our information from the Internet instead if for no other reason than of a magazine or newspaper. many people don’t like PresiBut when you read Andrew dent Obama, and have come Sullivan’s essay you realize to blame him for everything the cover is saying one thing wrong with America. Conserwhile his piece says something vatives and evangelicals entirely different. The cover now could add his endorsing suggests that Barack Obama is marriage equality to their as much the first gay American bucket list of discontent. president as it was suggested, For sure, Mr. Obama, years back, that Bill Clinton becoming the first American was America’s first Black president to publicly support president. And both notions gay marriage is not only are loaded with untruths and historic, but also politically sheer naïveté, and do a great risky. Yet I am glad he and his disservice to those respective administration finally had the communities. Simply put, Bill guts to do so. As an African Clinton is not Black and Barack American I know well what Obama is not gay. It wouldn’t dawn on Sasha and Malia Obama that their friends’ gay parents should not be my ancestors had to endure to allowed to marry. What they both happen to be achieve fundamental civil rights are political leaders who had the in our country. I am also clear that the civil rights movement was not just courage, in different ways, to speak certain truths into existence that we for Black people, but for any American marginalized because of their race, hope will change the direction of ideas and attitudes in America. Indeed, culture, gender, class, education (or lack thereof), religion, disability, or, as the firestorm and homophobic outbursts continue around President yes, their sexual orientation. Democracy means every person has the right Obama’s support of gay marriage, not long afterward the Washington to live as they choose, without interference, as long as it is not harming Post ran an op-ed about Tracy Thorne-Begland, a top Virginia prosecutor or hurting others. overqualified to be a judge, who was summarily rejected by state RepubI did not always think this way but years of traveling America as licans to be one—in the wee hours of the morning, no less—because an organizer, speaker, and writer broadened my mind and soul to see he also happens to be openly gay. Although Mr. Thorne-Begland had the humanity in people. That, coupled with the many lesbian, gay, the support of the Republican governor, each and every Republican in bisexual, and transgender individuals I’ve met in my work—including Virginia’s House voted against him. many who’ve been the victims of the most horrific forms of violence This kind of ignorance and hatred, be it certain White Republicans and brutality simply because of their choice of whom to love—is what or certain Black preachers, to block people from working, from living, made me state a few years back that I support gay rights, including gay from loving, simply because of who they are, is not acceptable. Let marriage, 100 percent. us hope President Obama’s bold step will lead to a different kind of Now of course this runs counter to my upbringing as a Christian, and discussion about democracy, about equality, about our humanity, and to what is often preached in Black churches. For the record, I do not think our ability to accept people for who they are. that Black Americans are any more socially conservative or homophobic than other communities in our nation. But what I do feel is that given Kevin Powell is an activist, public speaker, and author our long history of having to confront inequality and social injustice in or editor of 11 books, including his newest title, Barack America, many Blacks are resentful of others trying to link their social Obama, Ronald Reagan, and the Ghost of Dr. King: struggles to ours. As one preacher once said to me, “You don’t have to Blogs and Essays, which can be ordered at www.lulu. tell anyone you are gay. But we cannot just erase our skin color.” com. Email him at kevin@kevinpowell.net. His Twitter hashtag is kevin_powell. Summer 2012
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When a Beloved Teacher Is Also a Rapist By Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser
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his is the thing I don’t want to say: My son’s beloved community theater teacher raped one of his former students. The reason I say raped, not “allegedly raped,” is because he was convicted, and sentenced for having sex with a 14-year-old girl, a former student. Statutory rape. His conviction rattled me to the core. The experiences my son had under this theater teacher’s supervision were hugely positive. He and his family are people I like. I still can’t imagine he’d do something so terrible —and yet he did. When he was arrested nearly two years ago, early June, the news hit me fist-in-stomach-hard. On that very hot afternoon, I felt mostly for the teacher—and for my eldest son, who’d studied with him and worked on a couple of community productions as a stagehand. The teacher’s accuser, a former acting student of his, had been just 14 at the time of the alleged crime—and I didn’t want to think about her at all. In a long, intense, teary conversation with our 12-year-old, my husband and I defined statutory rape. We explained that neither accusation nor arrest assured guilt. We said this wasn’t black and white, right and wrong, necessarily. Our boy was scared and confused; we tried to allay his fears. Privately, we whispered that the best-case scenario was likely entirely gray. If he’d made the mistake of being alone in a building with a 14-year-old, that was a lapse in judgment, not a crime. Things couldn’t be as bad as they seemed. Could they? We didn’t want to 14
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believe someone we’d trusted, someone that cheery and that focused on a vision for the community, could be hurting a child in one of the worst ways imaginable. In my denial, I was too willing to cede all benefit of the doubt his way. I couldn’t articulate it to myself then, but I didn’t want to face the possibility that I’d put my son in harm’s way. In the days that followed we offered our concern to the teacher and his wife. From arrest to trial to sentencing 18 months lapsed. When I saw the teacher with his young son, he was a dad not unlike the other preschool dads, cheerful and patient and overtired. Up until the trial, I didn’t let myself contemplate rape. It wasn’t that I actively disbelieved her—thought she was lying or consenting. I just told myself it was the jury’s to decide. Although I am a feminist and mother to a daughter, I found the possibility of his guilt too disconcerting—and I willed it away. Or tried to will it away — what gnawed at me was that I let my fear and my loyalties place me on what I’d have generally imagined to be the wrong side of a rape trial. I’m ashamed that I couldn’t take a real step toward having empathy for her, because I was so afraid of how I’d feel if I believed her. I read newspaper reports of the trial both reluctantly and avidly. The young woman’s testimony and others’ corroboration were compelling. His testimony that he hadn’t been alone in the building was corroborated, too — but if I hadn’t thought of him and his family as friends, I knew I wouldn’t have believed him. The jury didn’t: he was convicted. Five counts of statutory rape. He was released on bail until sentencing.
I’m not sure why I was incredulous. I’d acknowledged that had wanted to imagine the teacher had done something so wrong — and he been a stranger I wouldn’t have harbored doubt. I hadn’t stopped I hadn’t pushed him to do so. liking him, though. To see him as perpetrator remained too hard to In retrospect I fault myself for how little we discussed the victim, imagine. Instead, I saw the father and the husband; I saw the son her violation, her feelings, her rights. I still don’t know how I turned and the wife. I wrote a letter on his behalf to away from a whole side of a two-sided story. advocate that he serve time in the county jail Or maybe I do—and that’s the thing I feel The survivor’s closer to his son without hesitation. worst about—that I didn’t want to feel someanguish and her I should have let in the possibility of the thing terrible could occur so close to us, that it young woman’s truth so much sooner. Once I wasn’t a stranger or a person I deemed unsafe parents’ grief read newspaper reports of impact statements for my son to learn from accused of this crime, propelled me to the accuser and her father both made during so I held fast to my denial, some very washedexperience my own out gray. the sentencing hearing—her mother was too upset to speak—the walls I’d put up crashed But I only wanted the kind of gray that fear and anger at my down. Her anguish and her parents’ grief would let me be right about someone I’d son’s vulnerabilty. I trusted as a friend. This kind of gray—the kind propelled me to experience my own fear started shaking. and anger at my son’s vulnerability. I started that allows my trusted friend to also be the man shaking. Finally, way too late, I was scared. who raped a girl barely any older than my son, I was devastated for the victim. And I was ashamed I hadn’t really that allows me to have been so wrong, that leaves me both angry worried about her before. and fearful and grieving and somehow still caring—this is a gray That afternoon my son texted me: “Five to seven years.” He was I’d never imagined, and never imagined trying to navigate a child in stage manager mode for the high school musical. I texted back: “I through. It’s left me looking at myself in disbelief. That fist-in-myknow. How are you?” He replied, “Fine.” I knew we’d talk, eventu- stomach breathlessness isn’t going away. ally; I didn’t know what I’d say. That same night, at the show, I watched all those earnest Sarah Buttenwieser is a writer in Northampton, performers and my sense of violation, even at a remove, surprised Mass,. who writes the blog Standing in the me, like a rush of water I’d barely held at bay with a faltering dam Shadows for the Valley Advocate newspaper. that finally burst. I was flooded with sadness and fear for all the A version of this article appeared in Mothfamilies who trusted this man, including us. I don’t think my son erlode, the parenting blog of The New York Times (http: parenting.blogs.nytimes.com).
Summer 2012
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Dancing to Uncover a “New Maskulinity� By Lacey Byrne
Rehearsals for Lacey Byrne and Ras Mikey C’s Maskulinity: Unfolding Codes of Gender.
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t was the divine feminine in the PRYHPHQW WKDW ¿UVW GUHZ PH WR EDOOHW That, and the striking costumes and the captivating stories. Of course, as a child, I did not see through the veneer of a woman being lifted high above a man’s head, never thought to challenge the patriarchal stories of romance. I grew up wanting to be a ballerina. I wanted to soar through the sky and be spun around endlessly. When I discovered feminism in college, I came down to earth. I put my love of ballet LQ WKH FORVHW VLQFH LW QR ORQJHU ¿W LQ ZLWK my feminist sensibility. I didn’t give up on movement though, discovering Modern and African dance, and yoga. Still, whenever , HQFRXQWHUHG EDOOHW , IHOW FRQÀLFWHG suspending my feminist ideals of equality and gendered physical strength to watch women search for true love—witnessing a dramatic display of scorn acted out on the stage. These days, I am faced again with where to turn when I reach the corner of love of dance and feminism—not far from the busy intersection of femininity, masculinity and gendered movement. I decided to try 16
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and negotiate these windy roads through a new work, Maskulinity: Unfolding Codes of Gender. I wanted to bring my feminist beliefs and perspectives—along with my background as a producer, dancer, and choreographer—into the studio, both to look at the mask behind masculinity and, more broadly, to analyze gender and movement. Contemporary sociology (and women’s and men’s studies courses at universities and colleges) tells us everything is gendered: sports, music, food, fashion, even colors— not to mention our roles at home and at work. The way women and men walk, sit, stand and greet one another are all steeped in gender conformity. And yet there are
places we can go to ask questions about hips swaying, legs kicking, arms reaching, and ZKR VXSSRUWV ZKRP RQ WKH GDQFH ÀRRU ,WœV the world of dance. Maskulinity examines what it means to be D PDQ DQG KRZ RXU FXOWXUH GH¿QHV PDQKRRG masculinity(ies) and conventional notions RI PDQOLQHVV 7KH SHUIRUPDQFH UHÀHFWV my interest in using movement to explore the consequences for individual men and women—and the implications for younger people (male, female, transgendered)—of unmasking masculinity. In dance, movement between a male and female dancer begins with audience members presuming a sense of sensuality;
it is “normal”—usually seen in the context of a story of heterosexual passion. The same movement, however, executed by two men, is often seen through a gay story line if done rhythmically, or as hetero competition if done aggressively, at a faster tempo. In rehearsals for Maskulinity, when two male dancers move slowly and with passion, I simultaneously found myself feeling XQFRPIRUWDEOH DQG VDWLV¿HG , VXVSHFW WKH discomfort comes from my socialization— how I’ve been trained to think about men being intimate with one another. The discomfort surprised me because I am a passionate supporter of gay rights and believe I have never felt homophobic, intellectually or emotionally. Obviously, though, I am not immune to the culture’s messages about men being intimate with each other. Sexualized pop culture rarely shows us two men embracing or, Goddess forbid, dancing together. $V , SUREH GHHSHU LQWR P\ IHHOLQJV , ¿QG myself deriving satisfaction knowing that when we are uncomfortable, society (me included) is taking a giant step forward. (I don’t know about you, but I could feel society straining—like growing pains in children—when President Obama and Vice President Biden made public their support for gay marriage equality in May.) The same movement performed between two women makes me uncomfortable in a different way. It is beautiful and sensual,
pleasing to the eye, but I struggle not to accept the culture’s insistence on sexualizing the interactions of the women. Too often work is produced with men in mind as consumers—their fantasies about two women being together. But, if the women’s actual sexual orientation is revealed and they are, in fact, lovers, male viewers are angry; the performance is no longer for them. Despite the stereotype of the dance world being a gay-friendly environment, it isn’t immune to homophobia. When boys decide to dance, their peers sometimes ridicule them, label them gay—whether they are or not. Still the dance world is way ahead of much of the rest of the culture in being comfortable with gay people. Among the next steps in ending discrimination against gay people is celebrating, not questioning, boys and men who dance. Now is a perfect moment to proclaim that dance is actually manly. Society accepts male nurses—as well as female doctors; it’s time we stop stigmatizing men who dance.
our collective memory. But what about how women and men swivel? Men tend to thrust hips back and forth, suggesting intercourse. Women usually circulate the hips and tilt the pelvis back, lifting the backside in invitation. In Maskulinity, we reversed the roles: inviting the male dancers to swivel their hips and women to thrust theirs back and forth. It was a powerful contradiction of gender stereotypes. Race and gender intersected in Maskulinity through the collaboration between me, a white female, and Ras Mikey C, an African American male and principal choreographer. We approached the social and political markers that serve as the foundation for Maskulinity differently. Ras doesn’t claim to be a feminist, and that allowed for illuminating debates from our differing perspectives—a real asset to the project. In the research phase of creating Maskulinity, we viewed several social issue documentaries produced by Media Education Foundation founder Sut Jhally, including Dreamworlds 3:
Who Has the Market on Hips?
Working on Maskulinity, I found myself asking the question, “Who has the market on hips?” There is a lot to think about in those two protruding bones that swivel the backside and the pelvis in multiple patterns. Shakira sings about her hips “not lying,” and the late Patrick Swayze’s swiveling hips in Dirty Dancing are forever imprinted in Summer 2012
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Desire, Sex & Power in Music Video; Codes of Gender: Identity and Performance in Popular Culture; and Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity (featuring the work of -DFNVRQ .DW] DQG 7RP .HLWKÂśV ÂżOP The Bro Code: How Contemporary Culture Creates Sexist Men DOO ÂżOPV SURGXFHG DQG RU GLVWULEXWHG by www.mediaed.org). I paid attention to the REMHFWLÂżFDWLRQ RI ZRPHQ DQG WKH SURSHQVLW\ IRU and the proliferation of violence. Ras approached the stories from the perspective of a dehumanized culture. He was stunned witnessing a cascade of images of sexualized bodies selling entertainment and commercial products contextualized by voiceover analysis of a society run amok. On a spiritual level, he said he felt assaulted. Together, we brought our angles and ideas from the screening room to the studio; the dancers could contend with them in rehearsal. Part of Maskulinity involves men competing for the attention of a woman, but it evolves into being more about the men’s relationship with each other than about her. Eventually the men become angry at her uninterest in them and they use her body as a way to express their anger—and their aggression towards each other. One of the dancers is the “bystanderâ€?—frustrated and helpless, and unable to locate his moral compass, lacking the courage to intervene. The inspiration for the story came from the chapter “Party Rapeâ€? in Michael Kimmel’s important 2008 book, Guyland: The Perilous World Where Boys Become Men.
Without context, the audience would most likely believe a romantic connection exists between the man and the woman. But the duet, both moving and passionate, tells a different story. Because it follows a violent depiction, it can be read on a level deeper than KHWHURVH[XDO URPDQFH 3HUKDSV WKH E\VWDQGHU ÂżQDOO\ KDV WKH FRXUDJH to act and is personally vindicated; or the male “rescuesâ€? the female from the violent act; or we see a striking juxtaposition of tender sensuality between a man and a woman rather than witnessing a ZRPDQÂśV ERG\ EHLQJ YLROHQWO\ Ă€XQJ DURXQG 5DV ZKR FUHDWHG WKH duet, and I see it differently. He was inspired by the tenderness between the two dancers, and sees a story about healing; I see a man contending with his complicity, powerlessness and urgency to ÂżQDOO\ LQWHUYHQH :KDW ZLOO DXGLHQFHV VHH" We can’t control how audiences will react to Maskulinity. As Voice Male—and men like Sut Jhally, Jackson Katz, and Michael Kimmel, among others—has been long examining, removing the mask from contemporary masculinity is an ongoing undertaking. By creating a work about masculinity and locating it inside a dance world steeped in femininity, the vignettes about manhood, relationships, and violence, among other topics, hopefully will serve as springboard for audiences to enlarge their thinking not just about masculinity(ies) but about the pressing issue of gender in contemporary culture. I still may have my childhood yearning to soar through the sky and twirl endlessly, but now I just might want to be the twirler, the one to lift a man high above my head.
Lacey Byrne
Ras Mikey C 18
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Lacey Byrne is the artistic director of Salix Productions, which creates collaborative performances that illustrate women’s experiences while inspiring change. She can be reached at lacey_byrne@yahoo.com. Ras Mikey C, education director of F.I.V.E. Productions, which employs dance to express urban, contemporary, and cultural ideology, choreographed Maskulinity: Unfolding Codes of Gender. It was performed in Hartford, Connecticut, in June. To learn about future performances—and about their other work—go to www.salixproductions.com, or call 860.921.3176.
By Lundy Bancroft and Rus Funk
“We believe men need to think carefully about the assumption that women necessarily benefit when men work on their own healing,” write Lundy Bancroft and Rus Funk, longtime antiviolence activists and trainers. After reading “Women Supporting Men Supporting Men” by Frederick Marx in the Spring issue, Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, and Funk, author of Reaching Men: Strategies for Preventing Sexist Attitudes, Behaviors, and Violence, say “the thorny question” Marx’s article raised about the impact of some kinds of men’s work prompted them to respond.
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hat man wouldn’t agree that it is valuable for men to focus on our own healing? Yet it doesn’t necessarily follow, as Frederick Marx suggests, that men can only heal in men-only spaces. To us, such a notion is erroneous at best, and dangerous at worst—for both men and women. Both women and men have strong and powerful relationships with one another. Most men need, deserve, and experience relationships with both women and men that can help men heal from our wounds. In his article, Mr. Marx suggests men know better than women what is best for women. While we appreciate his expression of support for women’s equality as expressed in an earlier article, “Defining Masculinity in Our Own Terms” (Voice Male, Fall 2011), we are concerned about the rigid boundary he seems to be erecting to keep women out of men’s healing. Women have long been subjected
Shawnash Institute, Inc.
What Do Women Have to Do With Men’s Healing? A Lot
to core sexist beliefs held by men: that women are filled with irrational fears; that they do not know what is best for them; and that they don’t recognize when men are actually acting in women’s best interests. We examine below some of the ways this perspective seems to have crept into Mr. Marx’s writing. Are There Good Reasons for Women to Raise Questions About Some Men’s Healing Work? Many women—and some men—are suspicious of men’s claims that when we spend time freeing ourselves from the straitjacket of traditional masculinity, women always benefit. In our decades of antiviolence men’s work, we have heard from many women as they recounted experiences of their male partners’ involvement in the “male liberation” movement. Some recurring themes include: • His participation in men’s weekends—or other personal growth activities—often leaves her burdened with family responsibilities, including caring for small children. If she questions him about his plans, some men may irritably respond, “You want me to be more the kind of man you are looking for, so why are you complaining when I try to work on myself?!” In that act, her feelings and needs are discounted. • His process of becoming more aware of and “in touch with his feelings”—along with developing a better understanding of a “deeper masculinity” and an increased sense of bonding and Summer 2012
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connection with other men—doesn’t necessarily result in his treating her any better than he did before (being more patient, respectful, caring, understanding, empathic‌).
to get the support he needs. Where is the equality in that? Such a standard is one of the pillars of sexism—that women should cast DVLGH WKHLU QHHGV DQG SXW PHQÂśV QHHGV ÂżUVW Here’s another approach: If a man is getting short with his • His bonding with other men, sometimes by complaint sessions SDUWQHU DQG WKH NLGV DQG KDV VWRSSHG OLVWHQLQJ ÂżUVW KH QHHGV WR WDNH about women—including that women don’t understand “men’s healing workâ€?—results in men being more impatient with women’s responsibility for his behavior and start paying attention. Second, questions about what they are doing. He may be gaining “evidenceâ€? he needs people in his life challenging him to respect women and children and to treat them kindly. And, if he’s beginning to “act out for his focus—blaming her—and women—for his unhappiness. DJJUHVVLYHO\ ´ ZKDW KH FRXOG SUREDEO\ EHVW EHQHÂżW IURP DFFRUGLQJ One of the great—and regrettable—ironies of Frederick Marx’s to research, is to be removed from the house (and, depending on the article is that it contains within it examples of the kinds of statements circumstances, perhaps in handcuffs). Mr. Marx, though, proposes and attitudes that are he be rewarded for his exactly why women aggressive behavior might not trust men by going off to spend expressing this mindset. time with other men, For example: leaving his wife to bear “All the smart the consequences of his women I know (and I absence. How liberating know plenty) cherish is that—women left doing the men in their lives for the labor at home while doing personal growth men are off thinking deep work. They realize thoughts? how it makes women Next most bothersome themselves safer, is Marx’s statement happier, more loved. that women feel “if it’s They realize they need good for men, it must be not be threatened‌ bad for women.â€? What Smart women possible evidence does he understand that there have to support such an are multiple venues and LQĂ€DPPDWRU\ VWDWHPHQW" circumstances where Most of us working men teach other men, alongside women have and boys, about being found that often women do men.â€? have concerns about men’s Marx is unambiguously telling us he knows who the smart undertakings. Still, overwhelmingly they support our endeavors to women are, what smart women think, and that all smart women agree be good to ourselves (as long as it’s not at the expense of women with him. In effect, he is implying that women who disagree with or children). Historically, it is men who have considered women’s him are stupid and unwise. He also is taking a swipe at some of us advances as having negative consequences for men. Imagine if men who don’t agree with him, suggesting we are not smart and are a white person wrote an article explaining the mistakes people of not in touch with smart women, too. The truth is, men don’t get to color are making in failing to trust white people; or if a straight tell women what is in their best interests; only women get to decide person wrote about the supposed thinking errors of gay men and that. And, if women are expressing mistrust of the process at some lesbians—those pieces would be widely considered to be offensive. men’s retreat—as Marx himself acknowledges (see the anecdote he We don’t think a man writing about what women are doing wrong recounts at the beginning of his article)—then it is our responsibility is any different. While it may have been outside the scope of Mr. Marx’s as male allies to look closely at the source of that mistrust. Doing intentions for his article, we would have wished to read at least so would be much more productive than disparaging women—at some discussion of efforts to prepare men to become more involved times openly—for their mistrust. The fact that Marx feels he has in their communities, more active as mentors and supporters of a right to do so in this article is ironic; it offers strong evidence younger men or women, more engaged in combating violence against for why women have good reason to doubt that men’s liberation women or other forms of oppression. We would have appreciated work includes—as part of men’s healing—facing, challenging and hearing Mr. Marx address how we can best integrate men’s healing changing belittling attitudes towards women. Consider another work with developing men’s alliance with women and girls in the assertion Marx makes: healing of our communities and world. Men’s healing, in and of “A wise woman always recognizes when a man needs to get out itself, is not enough. and be with other men. He’s getting short with her and the kids, he’s $ VLJQLÂżFDQW SDUW RI PHQÂśV KHDOLQJ LQYROYHV OHDUQLQJ KRZ WR not listening anymore, or worse, he’s starting to act out aggressively. support and be true partners with women—as well as compassionate A wise woman will urge her man to take space. Now.â€? mentors to girls—while also working for a world promoting justice Marx seems to be suggesting that when men behave badly it is and respect. Studies suggest that men who live in environments ZRPHQÂśV UHVSRQVLELOLW\ WR ÂżJXUH RXW ZKDW KH QHHGV DQG XUJH KLP 20
Voice Male
of relative gender equality have much better health, better there was widespread mistrust of males who presented themselves relationships (among a range of other outcomes), than do men who as women’s allies. Some men chose to disparage women for not live in environments of gender inequality. What that suggests to us is welcoming men. Fortunately, many of us chose to respect women’s rather than going off by ourselves to heal in the absence of women, concerns and listen carefully to their experiences. And what they men actually may be better served described to us was multiple by working—and healing— experiences of having been alongside women while working betrayed by men who claimed to create a world that respects and to be profeminist allies in the values everyone. movement. Some, they reported, (We are aware that Mr. Marx’s disparaged women’s opinions, QHZHVW ¿OP SURMHFW RQ PHQWRULQJ or pressured them for dates, or has expanded from a focus on advised battered women that the boys alone to boys and girls. That man they were with “was really is encouraging news.) serious about changing” and Still, when Mr. Marx says, that she should give him another “The fact is men need to be chance. In a few cases we learned taught by men how to be men,” of men in the movement who it strongly suggests that single were perpetrating physical or women raising sons are doomed, sexual violence against women. ineffective or worse. Countless By taking the women’s sources of women, particularly Africanmistrust seriously, we were able American, would question such a to work on developing systems position, as would the many men of accountability for men in the Men can provide good guidwho have had highly successful movement, making it harder for ance to other men, and such lives that they attribute to their men who were not genuine allies guidance is certainly impormothers’ guidance and leadership to hide out. The result? Men are (again, African-American men increasingly welcomed as allies tant for our well-being. But the in particular). Our own lived in the struggle to end violence ability to listen well to women, experiences as men, supported by against women, and the level of to learn from them, and to a wide range of readily available mistrust is far lower. Still, women take guidance from women in evidence, suggest that when do get burned sometimes. forming our identities is every men are taught to be men in the The lesson, then, is that bit as important. absence of women, men are more women will trust us when we unhealthy, and women, children prove ourselves trustworthy. and our communities suffer. And so far many involved in the Of course men can provide “men’s healing work” movement good guidance to other men— have not been doing so. One compassionate, caring, challengchoice is to blame women for ing— and such guidance certainly not trusting the movement. That is an important contributor to our appears to be what Marx’s article wellbeing. But the ability to listen well to women, to learn from is primarily devoted to doing. The other alternative, which we hope them, and to take guidance from women in forming our identities, is men will choose—in the name of solidarity with women in their every bit as important. We believe the survival of the planet depends battle for liberation—is to make the changes that we need to make on men’s efforts at listening to women. to deserve women’s trust. Building Successful Alliances The beginning of Marx’s article features a derisive description of a woman who called Marx with a lot of questions about the weekend gathering her husband was considering attending. Marx shared his agitation with the woman, thinking it ridiculous that she accused him of being sexist. He dismissed her by claiming she ZDV GHWHUPLQHG WR ¿QG VRPHWKLQJ ZURQJ ZLWK WKH UHWUHDW ,W ZDVQ¶W just the tone of his description we found troubling—we, too, have questions about what was worrisome to her. Was it necessary to project such bitterness and condescension towards her in particular, and women in general? We both have been involved in the struggle for gender justice for more than thirty years. During the early years of our involvement,
Lundy Bancroft is the author of Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. He has been a women’s rights activist for 25 years. Lundy Bancroft
Rus Ervin Funk, MSW, has been involved in the movement to end sexist violence since 1983. He is the cofounder and executive director of MensWork: eliminating violence against women, Inc., a Louisville-based organization that focuses on educating, engaging, and mobilizing men to address, respond to, and prevent all forms of sexual and domestic violence.
Rus Funk Summer 2012
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Fathering
Fatherhood’s Next Act By Jeremy Adam Smith
In 1946, when Jeremy Adam Smith’s grandfather left the army and married his grandmother, he set up what looked like the ideal family, Smith says. His wife quit her job and he drove a crane in a quarry—a job he would do for the next forty years, working up to six days a week, sometimes 12 hours a day. When Smith asked him if he faced any challenges raising his three children, his grandfather replied, “I never did. My wife took care of all that. She brought the kids up.” This arrangement came with a rigid hierarchy: “She worked for me,” said my grandfather of his wife. “I always said, ‘You work for me.’”
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y the time my mother and father met in 1963, the same year Betty Friedan published The Feminine Mystique, more and more people were starting to question this division of labor between men and women. The following year, Congress formally abolished sex discrimination at work. I was born in 1970. “I wanted to be closer to you than my father was to me,” my dad told me when I interviewed him for my book, The Daddy Shift. “I wanted to participate more in my kids’ lives.” Even so, my parents never questioned for a moment that he would make most of the money and she would change most of the diapers. By 1988—the year I graduated from high school—only 29 percent of children lived in two-parent families with a full-time homemaking mother. And like many Baby Boomer couples, my parents split in 1991—the same year I met the woman who is today my wife. By the time we became parents in 2004, my wife and I were stepping into a family landscape that was totally different from the one my grandparents faced in 1946. For one thing, we never assumed that one of us was the natural breadwinner and the other a natural caregiver—instead, we saw those as roles that we would share and negotiate over time. For a year, I took care of my son while my wife went to work, and as we visited playgrounds, I met many other dads who took care of their kids while their female partners were at work. This personal reality reflects one that has been empirically measured. For almost every decade for the past 100 years, more and more women in the United States have gone to college and work. Over the past three years, men have been much more likely to lose their jobs than women, who are concentrated in fast-growing, high-skill industries like health care and education. Between 2009 and 2010, men with college degrees saw their median weekly earnings drop three percent while the income of women with degrees grew by 4.3 percent. Today, in most metropolitan areas young women’s pay exceeds that of their male peers. Not coincidentally, fathers now spend more time with their children and on housework than at any time since researchers started collecting comparable data. I call it “the daddy shift” — the gradual movement away from a definition of fatherhood as pure breadwinning to one that encompasses a capacity of caregiving. The right-wing “family values” movement has painted these trends as a crisis, but no one I know experiences them that way. Instead, we seem to share a positive (if often unarticulated) vision of the family as diverse, egalitarian, voluntary, interdependent, flexible, and improvisational. Many people hold these ideals without necessarily 22
Voice Male
being conscious of their political and economic implications—and they’re not making politically motivated choices. In researching The Daddy Shift, for example, I didn’t interview any breadwinning moms and caregiving dads who adopted their reverse-traditional arrangement for feminist reasons. They almost always framed their work and care decisions as a practical matter, a response to brutally competitive labor and childcare markets. Indeed, I don’t believe that a political force like feminism has driven men and women to share roles more equally; it seems more accurate to say that feminism has tried to teach people to personally adapt to broad, deep economic and technological changes that made equality more possible and desirable—and the movement has fought for public policies that would support our new roles at home and at work. Rising inequality and economic instability has meant that many families can’t afford specialists anymore, with one focused on career and the other exclusively on taking care of the family. And so couples are moving from a family model that prioritizes efficiency to one that tries to build resilience in the face of economic shocks. In the ideal resilient family, both women and men are capable of working for pay and working at home. But families often fall short of this ideal, partially because of lingering structural and interpersonal sexism, and partially because men lack support for their new caregiving roles at both home and work. Studies consistently show that 80 percent to 90 percent of mothers still expect fathers to serve as primary breadwinners (and very few will consider supporting a stay-at-home dad). At work, only seven percent of American men have access to paid parental leave, among other structural limitations. How can the daddy shift continue? The to-do list is long. It includes an education campaign to help men of all social classes understand what workplace and public policies can help them be the fathers they want to be — and legal campaigns that will defend their jobs against backward attitudes at work. Men whose mindsets are still shaped by the solebreadwinner ideal need explicit permission and encouragement from both their female partners and their bosses to take advantage of leave policies and participate in family life. We also need to shift the language we use to discuss work-family issues in a more inclusive direction, so that it includes fathers as well as mothers. That language should stress resilience and meaning to men instead of the language of equality that has mobilized women. In the end, it’s up to guys to tell the stories of our lives and speak up for what we want. No one will do it for us. Jeremy Adam Smith is the author or coeditor of four books, including The Daddy Shift: How Stay-at-Home Dads, Breadwinning Moms, and Shared Parenting Are Transforming the American Family and Rad Dad: Dispatches from the Frontiers of Fatherhood. In 201011, Smith was a John S. Knight Journalism Fellow at Stanford University. A version of this article first appeared in Yes! The Magazine for Positive Futures.
Fathering
Staying Alive as a Stay-at-Home Father By Gregory Collins Writer-filmmaker Gregory Collins and children.
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here is a turd in the bathtub. Again. I have studied my daughter’s digestive patterns extensively, and I thought I had this sorted out. My calculus is off. Or maybe it is the plums. Never mind the turd. What the hell am I doing? I used to be someone with a lot of potential. How did I— dreamer of enormous dreams—reduce myself to this, to being a stay-at-home father? I despise it. And I despise that I despise it. But I can’t help it. I hate the routine. I hate the lack of stimuli. I hate the emasculation. I hate the question, “What do you do?” I hate the stretching gap in my résumé. And I really, really hate fishing for turds. But hatred is manageable, friendly even. After all, who doesn’t hate their job? No— the things that suffocate me are much more menacing. Jealousy. Resentment. Anger. And there she is: my wife. Or partner. Or spouse. Or whatever. So accomplished. So networked. So sought after. So in command of her powers. So fucking beautiful. So ridiculously interesting. Where are my friends these days? My conversation partners? My colleagues? My collaborators? They have all gone away. My brain, my entire life, is shrinking, and I have no structural defense. God I hate fishing turds out of the bathtub. Used to be I drained the water first, then, with rubber gloves and depending on consistency, I’d either mash it down the drain or, if it was
sufficiently robust, I’d pick it up and drop it into the toilet. I am less dedicated now. I am a bare-hand man, and I am proud of it. If there existed a tub-to-toilet turd tossing competition, I’d be the best on the planet. Whatever. Jealousy and resentment exist in every relationship. So what if I am neither defender nor provider? This is the 21st century: age of the engaged father; the foodie father; the emotionally attentive husband. This is the age of modern man. Of course I am not above childcare; what crushing privilege it is to have such innocence in my charge. Of course I am not threatened by my wife; she is the best friend I have ever had. Hatred, jealousy, resentment; these are accidental symptoms. The real problems are more comprehensive. They are: first, society’s debilitating work fetish combined with its overpowering expectation of domestic bliss; and, second, the way we suffer the same struggles in isolation. Status does not discriminate. Whoever you are, you must have a good job and a happy home life. You must be a perfect professional, a perfect partner, and a perfect parent. Never mind that none of us have time or energy to perfect even one of these roles. Anything less is deficient. Anything less elicits condescension. Or worse: pity. And the consequences are pandemic: Prioritize career over kids and you get an infertility crisis; don’t prioritize your relationship and
you wind up with a divorce; don’t prioritize your kids and you get…teenagers. Now contextualize these pressures within America’s aggressive nuclear focus and its extreme individualism. We don’t live near family. We all have our own houses, our own cars, and our own way of doing things. We prepare our food in isolation. We live, there can be no other word, inefficiently. What kind of culture tasks a single adult with the rearing of a single child? What kind of culture segregates generations so completely? We are systematically stamping out the collective memory that shaped our ideas about family and culture. We are eliminating the tools while idealizing the outcomes. We are a positively masochistic bunch, I say. Which is why this turd is pissing me off. I put my daughter in the sink and fill it with warm water. She looks like Marlon Brando in a Jacuzzi. I return my attention to the bathtub. Seems to be a hybrid, very noncommittal. I am not confident this is a grab-and-drop situation. Things are breaking apart. I see corn. I formulate a solution: I will make a movie. It is going to be about how we are set up for failure. It is going to be about how this isn’t anyone’s fault, really. There’s going to be stuff about jealousy and resentment. There’s going to be stuff about how we do not value nontraditional expressions of masculinity, and about how we put a premium on the cheapest expressions of female sexuality. There is probably going to be a scene where the woman is nursing her baby while having sex with her husband at the same time. Because that shit really happens and it’s not dirty. It is going to be a great big question mark about how this is all supposed to work. I grab what I can of the turd—three, two, one—and I toss it in the toilet. Swish. I do a Michael Jordan thing with my wrist. Damn I’m good. I let the water swirl down the drain, and I wash my hands. I turn to my daughter. She is happily mesmerized by another turd bobbing in the sink. Kenyan-born writer-filmmaker Gregory Collins has worked in film and film production for more than a decade. He recently wrote and directed A Song Still Inside (asongstillinside.com), a story about a stay-at-home father struggling in the shadow of his wife’s success. The film is expected to be completed later this year. Summer 2012
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Poetry Meditation By Al Miller
drunk by exhaustion, delirious with my rage at war. After he pointed his rifle at my navel saying he wouldn’t carry the dead anymore, couldn’t go any further without rest or water. Dark smoking plumes of human feces and diesel smoke rose like signals. Breathe in, breathe out, five. He was armed, he was at war He wouldn’t burn shit for anyone. Said that he could kill me, looking back over his shoulder The one name I remember walking toward the oily plume. One night they tried to hang the First Sergeant. Williams said he would shoot him if we got sniper fire. Chest rises then falls, six. It was Williams, shot through the chest by a sniper, His vocals from between worlds like a Tibetan monk chanting. Because he thought Williams would die his Lieutenant asked for permission to drop him, leave him to the flies. Someone from his own platoon hit that Lieutenant in the back of the head with a grenade round. The round didn’t arm, wouldn’t explode. The lieutenant could feel his head throb for days. One blue jay flying in the space where old mountains have worn away. Breathe in then out. I understood each of them, What they meant what they were afraid of where we merged when they said they could kill me. I remember to watch my breath, the inhale and then the exhale, slowly. One of them shot himself in the foot after he apologized, a thin boy. A boy with thick glasses came to my rescue after threatening. There is only one whose name I remember. . Breathe in, breathe out, three. Was there, then a discussion whether or not to kill me, the new Non-Commissioned Officer? I was with them when they moved toward the Lieutenant in a half circle, their bolts coming forward in their rifles, rounds locking in the chambers, safeties clicking where there was no sound of crickets. Breath soft and easy, cooling at the separation of the nostrils. Exhale, four. I slapped the boy with glasses, 24
Voice Male
I almost forget to breathe here, seven. They told me they would take care of the boy from San Francisco if I didn’t do something myself. A boy lost in the jungle. He’ll get someone killed, the justification to kill him. Captain told me never to bring in prisoners again. If I brought them in alive, He wouldn’t let me in his camp. It seems too quiet, this breath, eight. They were burning the hooch of a woman and her children— With them in it. There is nothing to exhale. A friend has asked me to join a men’s group “the new warriors.” Inhale, exhale. Out the window There is only the old mountains, worn down. Ten. Start the breath and count again. Yes, always start the breath and count again. Al Miller is a farmer, a poet, an advocate against war, and a Vietnam veteran. He lives with his wife, mother-in-law, and son on their farm in Montague, Massachusetts. He can be reached at al@brooksbendfarm.com.
Desire by George Bilgere The slim, suntanned legs of the woman in front of me in the checkout line ÂżOO PH ZLWK \HDUQLQJ to provide her with health insurance and a sporty little car with personalized plates.
and soon another car seat, and eventually piano lessons and braces for two teenage girls who will hate me.
The way her dark hair falls straight to her slender waist makes me ache to pay for a washer/dryer combo and yearly ski trips to Aspen, not to mention her weekly visits to the spa and nail salon.
Finally, her full, pouting lips make me long to take out a second mortgage in order to put both kids through college DW ÂżUVW RU VHFRQG WLHU LQVWLWXWLRQV then cover their wedding expenses DQG KHOS RXW ÂżQDQFLDOO\ ZLWK WKH JUDQGFKLOGUHQ as generously as possible before I die and leave them everything.
And the delicate rise of her breasts under her thin blouse kindles my desire to purchase a blue minivan with a car seat,
But now the cashier rings her up and she walks out of my life forever, leaving me alone with my beer and toilet paper and frozen pizzas.
George Bilgere has published several books of poetry and hosts Wordplay, a spoken-word radio program that’s been called the Car Talk of poetry. A Feminist Responds to Desire
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eading this poem set the feminist neurons in my brain firing. Something about it didn’t sit right with me. Perhaps it was the theme of man-as-provider with its explicit descriptions of what he’d “pay� for, what he’d “purchase� for her. The narrator expresses dedication to the family he dreams of, surprising me by tempering his objectification of the woman’s body with a longing for the domestic. Like many lonely, single men, he is not able to access whatever emotional ties he might feel for his children or wife and cannot envision himself explicitly saying how much he cares. Instead, he hides behind his material and financial contributions to their welfare. Though the sight of the woman’s legs arouses a refreshing fantasy of family, not sex, it’s the poem’s representation of the woman that’s troubling. Her “slender� and “delicate� body, along with her “straight� hair, call up an image of the tired-out beauty ideal of a thin white woman dominant for far too long. (Not to say thin white women cannot be beautiful—they are—but repetitively equating a single body type with what constitutes beauty and perfection deprives readers of a rainbow of other possibilities.) Despite the narrator’s descriptions of old-school domestic femininity and gender roles, I found myself empathizing with him, glimpsing a snapshot of his interior life. He appears to be a man whose own conceptions of his masculinity are in transition. Even as he objectifies her, his desire for the domestic seems to suggest a steering away from traditional masculinity. One day, perhaps, he’ll be able to leave his lonely life of beer and frozen pizza and co-create with a partner a life that’s rich, whole and equal. —Maia Mares Voice Male intern Maia Mares will be entering her junior year at Amherst College in the fall.
Summer 2012
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The Prison Birth Project working to provide support, education and advocacy to women and girls at the intersection of the criminal justice system and motherhood.
www.theprisonbirthproject.org
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Voice Male
Men and Health
Prostate Cancer Testing: Not the Final Word By Tim Baehr
Colored scanning electron micrograph of two prostate cancer cells
I
t keeps coming back, like a bad penny: The PSA (prostatespecific antigen) test is inaccurate, unnecessary, and useless. The latest salvo comes from the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force, which takes things a step further and claims that PSA screening is not only useless but harmful. The Task Force concludes, based on its survey of several studies, that the PSA test has many false positives, that half of the cancers it detects are slow-growing, that follow-up testing can be painful or even harmful, that treatment typically involves severe side effects, that of 1,000 men tested, zero or one man will die of prostate cancer. The problem, in a, uh… nutshell, is twofold: over-diagnosis of cancer that is usually not aggressive, and expensive over-treatment of the nonaggressive cancers with high rates of side effects like incontinence and erectile dysfunction. The Task Force is blunt in its recommendation: “The USPSTF recommends against PSA-based screening for prostate cancer.” (Source: Screening for Prostate Cancer, Topic Page. U.S. Preventive Services Task Force. http:// www.uspreventiveservicestaskforce.org/prostatecancerscreening. htm.) Even high-risk men (men of African ancestry and any man with a family history of prostate cancer) are told that the statistics lean toward not testing. One in six men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer during his lifetime. What is a man to do? First, any prostate cancer survivor could say, “I got a PSA test, and it saved my life!” There are two problems here: Anecdotal evidence is not evidence. And we don’t know if this particular cancer, in this particular man, was life-threatening. Second, the Task Force studied cases in which the PSA test was used as a screening device for all men. And the implication was that men went directly from a high PSA result to surgery or radiation (with maybe a stop along the way for a biopsy). PSA is Not the Only Test And here’s my problem: Other than biopsy, I didn’t see any mention of tests that can accompany or follow the PSA. The rectal exam and PSA alone may be demonstrably insufficient, if the new research is to be believed. Fine. But what about these:
x Bound vs. free PSA, the ratio of which can give a rough indication of the likelihood of cancer and perhaps its severity x Biopsy, by which one gets the all-important Gleason score x Rectal ultrasound, which can detect lesions that may indicate cancer x MRI, which can show the location of cancerous cells found by biopsy. In this Task Force summary and in other prostate cancer articles, I have never seen mention of an often-crucial diagnostic device: taking a medical history. For instance: Do you smoke? Are you overweight? Has your father or brother had prostate cancer? Do you have an enlarged prostate? Do you have back pain? Have you had sex within a couple days of the PSA test? And so on. Answers to these questions can guide the doctor’s decisions. For instance, PSA can be elevated after sex, or by the prostate, being inflamed or enlarged. Diagnosis is never going to be perfect. Even with the full range of tests, some cancers will be missed, some will be over-diagnosed, and some will be over-treated. So, a lot—if your doctor is worth anything—is left up to you. When Cancer Spreads Most studies leave out the devastating effects of cancer that has spread beyond the prostate. If that happens, a man faces chemical or surgical castration, with its own side effects—chemotherapy and radiation therapy. If the cancer spreads to the bones, dying will be agonizing and prolonged, often accompanied by spontaneous bone fractures that leave the man not only in excruciating pain but bedridden. Treatment The Task Force had some alarming things to say about treatment: No treatment seems to prolong life and treatments are accompanied by nasty side effects and statistically cause more harm than good.
x PSA velocity, the rate over time at which PSA increases Summer 2012
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Still, Consider This
Bottom Line
x The studies used by the Preventive Services Task Force were retrospective. That means that at least some of the treatments in the studies were up to 15 years old and may be out of date.
Bottom line? The Task Force offers one perspective on PSA testing. It is neither the only perspective nor the final word. For a strongly worded response from several urologists and researchers in prostate cancer, please read “What the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force Missed in Its Prostate Cancer Screening Recommendation” from Annals of Internal Medicine at http://www.annals.org/content/ early/2012/05/21/0003-4819-157-2-201207170-00463.full. Using the same studies and data sources as the Task Force, the authors of this piece come to very different conclusions.
x The Task Force report admits that some of its data sources were less than robust. x No study, not even the randomized clinical trials, was rated better than “fair.” x There is necessarily a range of competence among surgeons and oncology radiologists. All of them—good and miserably bad—got lumped into the statistics. Although there’s no way to be absolutely sure of successful treatment with minimal or no side effects, we owe it to ourselves to ask our doctors about their outcome statistics and success rates. We can also ask for referrals from other patients and check any public sources that rate doctors. I think we sometimes defer to doctors as the gods of medicine when we should be checking them out the same way we’d check out a mechanic for our car, or a day-care center for our kids. I'm sure the Task Force is sincere and competent within the confines of its perceived mission, but its focus has been on statistical results. As several people have been credited with saying, “There's lies, damned lies, and statistics.” Nobody’s lying here, but the Task Force is relying too much on its interpretation of statistics from limited and dubious sources.
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Voice Male
Please keep in mind that an early diagnosis may lead to surgery or radiation treatment that might not have been necessary; but a late diagnosis—especially after there are symptoms—is very often a death sentence. It’s up to us to talk to our doctors, decide whether to get tested, and decide what to do with the test results. My take, as a nonphysician but a cancer survivor? Get a digital rectal exam every time you have a physical. Get at least a baseline PSA starting sometime in your forties. If the PSA is high or rising fast over two or three tests, get retested at least once more to see if the previous results were a fluke. If you and your doctor find something troubling, insist on the best diagnostic tests and, if necessary, the best treatment available. This article appeared in May in Menletter, a monthly journal of articles, essays, observations and resources for men (www.menletter.org). © Copyright 2012 by Tim Baehr. All Rights Reserved.
Voices of Youth
When We Stay Silent to Bullying By William Roy Homophobic bullying remains a dangerous social problem. Children and adults are both the target of threats and bullying, occasionally ending in suicide. “In my hometown,” contributor William Roy writes, “the use of ‘gay’ or ‘fag’ as a generic insult is common. These insults reinforce traditional gender roles and ostracize an individual or force him or her to change behavior. Homophobic bullying affects everyone, regardless of sexual or gender orientation; it creates an opening for an attack on any behavior contradictory to the masculine or feminine stereotype,” Roy believes. Not long ago, he sent the following story of his own experience being bullied. W E M U S T A LWAY S TA K E S I D E S . NEUTRALITY HELPS THE OPPRESSOR, NEVER THE VICTIM. SILENCE ENCOURAGES THE TORMENTOR , NEVER THE TORMENTED. —Elie Wiesel
L
ast summer, I was the target of two attacks of homophobic harassment at the University of New Hampshire where I attend college. My dad and I would regularly ride to campus on his motorcycle. He had just dropped me off on the main street and I was walking to class when a blue car drove by with four male students in it. They yelled, “Gay, fag, faggot” and “gay guy riding bitch,” gesturing obscenely and making faces. I was completely caught off guard, humiliated and angry. Other people witnessed the incident, glanced at me, and the carful of guys, but turned away. Unsure of what to do, I pretended nothing happened and continued walking to class. I thought it was a fluke, a one-time incident, but I was wrong. Later that day I found myself again on the main street going to meet up with my dad to head home. The same blue car sped by me. I ran down a path away from the road. I didn’t look back but I could hear the same insults. I am a 20-year-old straight male. I’m from northern New Hampshire and I don’t run from fights. Yet I ran. If you’d asked me before this happened how I’d respond to bullying taunts like that, I’d have said I would have chased the car down. But I didn’t. These insults hurt me worse than a split lip or a black eye. At the time I didn’t even know why I ran. In some way, thinking about it, I think I ran because nobody helped; my harassment was ignored by the bystanders. I had no support. I asked my dad, who is gay, to take the long way home and didn’t tell him what had happened. The next few days I found excuses not to ride with my dad to school. My fear of being harassed had interfered with a mutually enjoyable activity and undermined the closeness between my father and me.
I have never been afraid to speak up against homophobic behavior aimed at someone else. In high school when a debate started about parenting and a couple individuals said gays shouldn’t be parents, I stood up and without fear defended gay rights. I have risked getting into fights multiple times to defend others who were being harassed. Why was it so different when it was me? I regret letting harassment change my behavior. I resent the bystanders for not taking a stand, either by confronting the bullies or by expressing support for me. If I ever see any of the bystanders again, I’d ask them, “Why did you just walk away? Was I so insignificant that I didn’t deserve your help?” I know what it is like to witness harassment, and I won’t stand by and let it happen. I call on every one of us—including me—to have the courage to refuse to in any way tolerate this everyday cruelty. Not long after, I sat down with my dad and discussed what had happened to me. I know that as a gay man he has had to deal with this kind of thing for a long time. Even though he felt I should have reported the incident to school authorities, he said he wished I hadn’t stopped riding with him because of it. I told him my fear and shame made it impossible for me. I was afraid of retaliation, but even more I was afraid of people knowing that I had been harassed and had run away. My dad and my gay friends don’t necessarily have the choice to change behaviors to hide, nor should they have to. I’ve started riding the motorcycle with my dad again some days and I’m starting to find the courage to speak up, not just for others, but for myself. William Roy, 22, is a senior at the University of New Hampshire majoring in health management and policy. He can be reached at wji8@wildcats.unh. edu. This is his first published article. Summer 2012
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Gaming
Straight, White and Male:
Lowest Difficulty Setting By Fivel Rothberg
C
ommunicating the concept of heterosexual white male privilege can be challenging—especially when one’s audience is‌ straight white men. That’s why science fiction author and game designer John Scalzi came up with a role-playing game analogy, “Straight White Male: The Lowest Difficulty Setting There Is,â€? and posted about it on his personal blog, Whatever.Scalzi.com. According to Scalzi, the post received approximately 800 comments before he closed the comments section. (It was later reposted on the popular gaming site Kotaku.com, where Scalzi says the post received hundreds of thousands of page hits.) “I’ve been thinking of a way to explain to straight white men how life works for them,â€? Scalzi writes, “without invoking the dreaded word ‘privilege,’ to which they react like vampires being fed a garlic tart at high noon. It’s not that the word ‘privilege’ is incorrect; it’s that it’s not their word. When confronted with ‘privilege,’ they fiddle with the word itself, and haul out the dictionaries and find every possible way to talk about the word but not any of the things the word signifies. In the role playing game known as The Real World ‘Straight White Male’ is the lowest difficulty setting there is.â€? Scalzi describes his approach to reaching his cohort “as a white guy who likes womenâ€? this way: Dudes. Imagine life here in the US—or indeed, pretty much anywhere in the Western world—is a massive role playing game, like World of Warcraft except appallingly mundane, where most quests involve the acquisition of money, cell phones and donuts, although not always at the same time. Let’s call it The Real World. You have installed The Real World on your computer and are about to start SOD\LQJ EXW ÂżUVW \RX JR WR WKH VHWWLQJV WDE WR ELQG \RXU NH\V ÂżGGOH ZLWK \RXU GHIDXOWV DQG FKRRVH WKH GLIÂżFXOW\ VHWWLQJ IRU WKH JDPH Got it? 30
Voice Male
Okay: In the role playing game known as The Real World, Âł6WUDLJKW :KLWH 0DOH´ LV WKH ORZHVW GLIÂżFXOW\ VHWWLQJ WKHUH LV Not surprisingly, the comment section on the Kotaku.com repost was full of self-professed white males contesting their privileged status. A number of them, such as a poster nicknamed Doc Seuss railed about status as victims, not victors; “I was turned down for financial aid and jobs because I was a white male and expected to succeed elsewhere, or despite the rejection. The black women I know, despite being terrible employees and co-workers‌ not only get jobs and wonderful financial aid for school, but they also are given the most enjoyable tasks‌â€? at work. Yet there were quite a few measured feminist-leaning responses as well, such as this one from Ara Richards, who wrote: “Sexism does hurt men because it forces them into roles they might not want to be in‌ I can’t understand that these commenters truly believe we live in a perfectly equal world where systematic discrimination has never existed. They try to make it seem that just because they have had it hard, privilege does not exist.â€? To read the post and comments for yourself visit: http://kotaku. com/5910857/straight-white-male-the-lowest-difficulty-setting-there-is/.
Fivel Rothberg is a father, media maker, producer, educator and activist who received his MFA in integrated media arts from Hunter College in New York. He is currently finishing a documentary short about being a father and addressing abuse in his family. To learn more go to http://www. housedevil-streetangel.com.
Books
The Mama’s Boy Myth by Kate Stone Lombardi Avery, 336 pages, $26, 2012
When The Mama’s Boy Myth: Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger came into the house, my just-turned-14-year-old spotted it immediately, picked it up, and started to read it. He does that with many of “my” books. The thesis of Kate Stone Lombardi’s book made such clear—I think I could even say obvious—sense to him that he was surprised an entire book was required at all. “This could be an essay,” he offered. His critique was less about the book and more reflective of how he’s been raised: his family operates much as the author advocates families to most fully nurture boys—by keeping them close, by paying attention to emotional intelligence, and by ignoring societal boys-must-be-small-tough-men pressures while engaging in an ongoing discussion about gender stereotypes. My eighth grader is on an Ultimate Frisbee team that routinely wins the “Spirit” award at tournaments; he is an aspiring chef; he babysits; he is involved in his school’s community service “club.” He does not grunt much, unless you try to talk to him when he’s reading. All of that’s window dressing. The greater point he lives, the one Lombardi stresses is critical, is that he’s very comfortable being himself—and that while he’s busily differentiating from his parents, he does not have to cut himself off from either of his parents, namely his mama, to do so. In a sense, we are working to negotiate this adolescent passage with him. The image I conjured reading MBM is this (bear with me, I don’t know a whole lot about sailing): like the ropes you hold to manipulate the sail on a sailboat, your arms must work with the wind, hold tight, loosen your grip, steer but be steered by the elements surrounding you. It’s not so much a prescriptive formula as a willingness
to feel closely the changes in wind and respond accordingly. So, maybe, in the larger scheme of things, maybe you do need a whole book rather than an essay! To get at how mothers can keep sons close, you must tackle assumptions society has made about boys and girls and mothers and fathers and unknot the terribly tangled mess. Because the kinds of stereotypes and assumptions—the whole “man up” myth, our belief that biology makes boys learn one way and girls another and of course that an emotionally intelligent (read, girly) boy will or is more likely to be gay—in need of challenge require a lot of disentangling in order to look at one assumption on its own. The book moves through childhood, from an overall defense of the mother-son bond to a look at assumptions about gender (pink and blue), a nod at Oedipus and at moms’ role in the boy “crisis.” The question of how moms can pay positive attention to their sons—chats in the car, at the grocery store, small, dependable rituals—into, through and beyond adolescence is addressed. Lombardi makes sure her readers hear from boys themselves. And she concludes with some ideas to carry forward. Throughout, she reminds us that so much of what we think we know about boys rests upon assumptions, ones that aren’t proven or parsed. Without questioning underlying assumptions, the next ones are hard to prove or parse. For example, she writes: “Researchers now believe that those who observed effeminate boys and gay men were often close to their mothers and had distant fathers were looking at effect, not cause. Straight fathers who perceived their sons to be homosexual withdrew from their sons; mothers compensated by drawing close.” This shift in perception changes pretty much everything. I found the most poignant sections in the book the ones about young boys and teenage boys (the latter because I have two of them myself these days). It’s astonishing, isn’t it, to imagine Lombardi’s conversations with mothers: “Mothers of one-year-olds told me that they were accused of ‘coddling’ their sons” or were “admonished for comforting their weeping four-year-olds.” I would find this astonishing, but then I think
back to one early childhood provider my sons had; this teacher hugged the toddler girls and high-fived the boys. Even the clothing for boys becomes less soft much more quickly than girls’ fashions. Think about the last times you hung around preschoolers or elementary aged kids: I am betting you witnessed—and saw encouragement for—hugging between girls and no hugging between boys. Boys get to wrestle. Move ahead and read about how mothers learn to monitor themselves on the sidelines of sporting events, making sure not to respond to their sons’ injuries or the look of disappointment on their faces about poor performances at the event. The need to enforce a stiff upper lip is something they hear warnings about from other mothers, from fathers, from the kids and often the coaches. In Lombardi’s telling, either the boys lose all empathy from their mothers—withdrawn due to intense pressure—or nurturing must all take place behind closed doors, at a remove from everything else. When that happens, comfort takes on the shame of secrecy no matter how healthy or necessary or affirming. There are, obviously, many shades of gray here; the author does not advocate for mothers to ooze their worries onto every athletic field across the country nor take up sentry-like watch in every school’s playground. She does make the critical point that the disconnect between tough game face and vulnerability shown only with one’s mother cannot help a boy integrate his experiences nearly so well as a little more warmth outside the home, and a little less Band-Aid patching up at home, after all the stoic hard knocks have been endured. Throughout the book, Lombardi references her own very positive, very close, very satisfying relationship with her son (now grown). It seems that the essay-length nugget my son gleaned was the one we, too, experience: you are allowed to like one another, and to “get” one another as parents and children, as mothers and sons. The societal pressure to avoid emotional intimacy and vulnerability—a cornerstone of intimacy—must be teased apart in order to assure what’s at heart “essay-length” truth about how much nicer life is with vibrant emotional connections. —Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser
Author Kate Stone Lombardi & her greatly loved son Paul.
Sarah Werthan Buttenwieser has written for a number of publications including the New York Times, Brain Child Magazine, the Huffington Post, Babble and Bamboo Magazine. Her essays have appeared in various anthologies including The Maternal is Political, and in the ebook anthology Welcome to My World, and Wait a Minute, I Have to Take Off My Bra. Summer 2012
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Resources for Changing Men Healthy Dating, Sexual Assault Prevention http://www.canikissyou.com International Society for Men’s Health Prevention campaigns and health initiatives promoting men’s health www.ismh.org
A wide-ranging (but by no means exhaustive) listing of organizations engaged in profeminist men’s work. Know of an organization that should be listed here? E-mail relevant information to us at info@voicemalemagazine.org 100 Black Men of America, Inc. Chapters around the U.S. working on youth development and economic empowerment in the African American community www.100blackmen.org A Call to Men Trainings and conferences on ending violence against women www.acalltomen.org American Men’s Studies Association Advancing the critical study of men and masculinities www.mensstudies.org Boys to Men International Initiation weekends and follow-up mentoring for boys 12-17 www.boystomen.org Boys to Men New England www.boystomennewengland.org Dad Man Consulting, training, speaking about fathers and father figures as a vital family resource www.thedadman.com EMERGE Counseling and education to stop domestic violence. Comprehensive batterers’ services www.emergedv.com European Men Pro-feminist Network Promoting equal opportunities between men and women www.europrofem.org Futures Without Violence Working to end violence against women globally; programs for boys, men and fathers http://www.futureswithoutviolence.org
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Voice Male
Paul Kivel Violence prevention educator http://www.paulkivel.com Lake Champlain Men’s Resource Center Burlington, Vt., center with groups and services challenging men’s violence on both individual and societal levels www.lcmrc.org Males Advocating Change Worcester, Mass., center with groups and services supporting men and challenging men’s violence www.centralmassmrc.org ManKind Project New Warrior training weekends www.mkp.org MANSCENTRUM Swedish men’s centers addressing men in crisis www.manscentrum.se Masculinity Project The Masculinity Project addresses the complexities of masculinity in the African American community www.masculinityproject.com MASV—Men Against Sexual Violence Men working in the struggle to end sexual violence www.menagainstsexualviolence.org Men Against Violence UNESCO program believing education, social and natural science, culture and communication are the means toward building peace www.unesco.org/cpp/uk/projects/ wcpmenaga.htm Men Against Violence (Yahoo e-mail list) http://groups.yahoo.com/group/menagainstviolence/ Men Against Violence Against Women (Trinidad) Caribbean island anti-violence campaign www.mavaw.com. Men Can Stop Rape Washington, D.C.-based national advocacy and training organization mobilizing male youth to prevent violence against women. www. mencanstoprape.org
MenEngage Alliance An international alliance promoting boys’ and men’s support for gender equality www.menengage.org
Monadnock Men’s Resource Center Southern New Hampshire men’s center supporting men and challenging men’s violence mmrconline.org
Men for HAWC Gloucester, Mass., volunteer advocacy group of men’s voices against domestic abuse and sexual assault www.strongmendontbully.com
MVP Strategies Gender violence prevention education and training www.jacksonkatz.com
Men’s Health Network National organization promoting men‘s health www.menshealthnetwork.org Men’s Initiative for Jane Doe, Inc. Statewide Massachusetts effort coordinating men’s anti-violence activities www.mijd.org Men’s Nonviolence Project, Texas Council on Family Violence http://www.tcfv.org/education/mnp. html Men’s Resource Center for Change Model men’s center offering support groups for all men www.mrcforchange.org Men’s Resource Center of West Michigan Consultations and trainings in helping men develop their full humanity, create respectful and loving relationships, and caring and safe communities. www.menscenter.org Men’s Resource Center of South Texas Based on Massachusetts MRC model, support groups and services for men mrcofsouthtexas@yahoo.com Men’s Resources International Trainings and consulting on positive masculinity on the African continent www.mensresourcesinternational.org Men Stopping Violence Atlanta-based organization working to end violence against women, focusing on stopping battering, and ending rape and incest www.menstoppingviolence.org The Men’s Story Project Resources for creating public dialogue about masculinities through local storytelling and arts. www.mensstoryproject.org Men’s Violence Prevention http://www.olywa.net/tdenny/ Mentors in Violence Prevention—MVP Trainings and workshops in raising awareness about men’s violence against women. www.sportsinsociety.org/vpd/mvp./php
National Association for Children of Domestic Violence Provides education and public awareness of the effects of domestic violence, especially on children. www. nafcodv.org National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Provides a coordinated community www.ncadv.org National Men’s Resource Center National clearinghouse of information and resources for men www.menstuff.org National Organization for Men Against Sexism Annual conference, newsletter, profeminist activities www.nomas.org Boston chapter: www.nomasboston. org One in Four An all-male sexual assault peer education group dedicated to preventing rape www.oneinfourusa.org Promundo NGO working in Brazil and other developing countries with youth and children to promote equality between men and women and the prevention of interpersonal violence www.promundo.org RAINN—Rape Abuse and Incest National Network A national anti-sexual assault organization www.rainn.org Renaissance Male Project A midwest, multicultural and multiissue men‘s organization www.renaissancemaleproject The Men’s Bibliography Comprehensive bibliography of writing on men, masculinities, gender, and sexualities listing 14,000 works www.mensbiblio.xyonline.net UNIFEM United Nations Development Fund for Women www.unifem.org
Resources for Changing Men VDay Global movement to end violence against women and girls, including Vmen, male activists in the movement www.newsite.vday.org
Collaborative Divorce www.collaborativealternatives.com www.collaborativedivorce.com www.collaborativepractice.com www.nocourtdivorce.com
Voices of Men An Educational Comedy by Ben Atherton-Zeman http://www.voicesofmen.org
The Fathers Resource Center Online resource, reference, and network for stay-at-home dads www.slowlane.com
Walk a Mile in Her Shoes Men’s March to Stop Rape, Sexual Assault & Gender Violence http:// www.walkamileinhershoes.org
National Center for Fathering Strategies and programs for positive fathering. www.fathers.com
White Ribbon Campaign International men’s campaign decrying violence against women www.whiteribbon.ca
National Fatherhood Initiative Organization to improve the well-being of children through the promotion of responsible, engaged fatherhood www.fatherhood.org
XY Magazine www.xyonline.net Profeminist men’s web links (over 500 links) www.xyonline.net/links.shtml Profeminist men’s politics, frequently asked questions www.xyonline.net/ misc/pffaq.html Profeminist e-mail list (1997–) www.xyonline.net/misc/profem.html Homophobia and masculinities among young men www.xyonline.net/misc/ homophobia.html
Fathering Fatherhood Initiative Massachusetts Children’s Trust Fund Supporting fathers, their families and theprofessionals who work with them www.mctf.org Fathers and Daughters Alliance (FADA) Helping girls in targeted countries to return to and complete primary school fatheranddaughter.org Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. Useful websites include: www.dadsrights.org (not www.dadsrights.com) www.directlex.com/main/law/divorce/ www.divorce.com www.divorcecentral.com www.divorcehq.com
Gay Rights Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation Works to combat homophobia and FKUETKOKPCVKQP KP VGNGXKUKQP ĹżNO OWUKE and all media outlets www.glaad.org Human Rights Campaign Largest GLBT political group in the country. www.hrc.org Interpride Clearing-house for information on pride events worldwide www.interpride.net LGBT Health Channel Provides medically accurate information to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and allied communities. Safer sex, STDs, insemination, transgender health, cancer, and more www.lgbthealthchannel.com. National Gay and Lesbian Task Force National progressive political and advocacy group www.ngltf.org Outproud Website for GLBT and questioning youth www.outproud.org Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays YYY RĆ€CI QTI
www.divorcenet.com www.divorce-resource-center.com www.divorcesupport.com
Summer 2012
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Voice Male
General Support Group: 2SHQ WR DQ\ PDQ ZKR ZDQWV WR H[SHULHQFH D PHQœV JURXS 7RSLFV RI GLVFXVVLRQ UHÀHFW WKH QHHGV DQG LQWHUHVWV of the participants. Group meetings are held in Hadley, at North Star, 135 Russell Street, 2nd Floor: Tuesday evenings (7:00 – 9:00 PM). Entrance on Route 47 opposite the Hadley Town Hall. Group for Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Neglect, Abuse, or Trauma: 2SHQ WR PHQ ZKR ZHUH VXEMHFWHG WR QHJOHFW DQG RU DEXVH JURZLQJ XS WKLV JURXS LV GHVLJQHG VSHFL¿FDOO\ WR ensure a sense of safety for participants. It is a facilitated peer support group and is not a therapy group. Group meetings are held on Fridays (7:00 – 9:00 PM) at the Synthesis Center in Amherst, 274 N. Pleasant Street (just a few doors north of the former MRC building). Group for Gay, Bisexual, and Questioning Men: 6SHFL¿FDOO\ IRU PHQ ZKR LGHQWLI\ DV JD\ RU ELVH[XDO RU ZKR DUH TXHVWLRQLQJ WKHLU VH[XDO RULHQWDWLRQ WKLV JURXS LV GHVLJQHG WR SURYLGH D VDIH DQG VXSSRUWLYH VHWWLQJ WR VKDUH H[SHULHQFHV DQG FRQFHUQV *D\ RU EL LGHQWL¿HG transgendered men are welcome! In addition to providing personal support, the group offers an opportunity for creating and strengthening local networks. Group meetings are held on Mondays (7:00 – 9:00 PM) at the Synthesis Center in Amherst, 274 N. Pleasant Street (just a few doors north of the former MRC building).