Voice Male Fall 2000

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Inside: • On Having a Gay Father • "Men's Rights" or What's Right for Men? • Juan Carlos Arean: Beyond "Cultural Competence" • Canadian Men: Training for Change

By Rob Okun

From the Editor

"Put Your Tush to the Cush"

Truth Telling in the Group Room he meditation teacher jack Kornfield is known for the phrase, "Put your tush to the cush," a gentle reminder he offers students of Vipassana (mindfulness) meditation to maintain their practice by regularly sitting on their cushions. The phrase came to mind recently while thinking about the different people who sit on the cushions of the sofas and chairs in the Group Room at the Mens Resource Center.

A large, light, open space with a beautiful hardwood floor, the Group Room is filled with comfortable couches, easy chairs, and plants reaching from floor to ceiling. Large windows dominate two walls, bathing the room in natural light. Above a mantel at one end hangs a large dream catcher staff members made at a retreat several years ago. The room can hold more than 20. Each evening except Saturday, a different group meets, including an open mens group; a gay/bisexuaVquestioning group; a group for women whose partners or ex-partners are in the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program; two MOVE groups; and a group for males who have experienced childhood abuse. In addition, during weekday work hours, various staff and visitors meet in the room, and every Thursday the whole staff gathers.

The men coming to support groups or MOVE groups are of various classes, races, and sexual orientations. There are men whose first language is not English; professional men of color from small towns and working-class white men from larger cities. There are men who struggle financially; others economically well off; some who teach college, some who drive trucks.

Some are in their twenties; some in their sixties.

What they have in common, though, is the possibility, whether tentative or enthusiastic, to learn new truths ab01,1t being a man.

What strikes me most each time I enter the room is how different it feels and how vivid is the contrast. On Wednesday nights I lead a Men Overcoming Violence group. The men either have been mandated by the court or "voluntarily" prodded by a partner, friend, or therapist.

They are offered alternative behaviors to acting abusively toward their loved ones. Their stories are often intense; conversation usually goes deep . Meanwhile, its hard to believe I'm in the same room, joking with my co-workers before getting down to business at the following morning's staff meeting. I consciously choose a different chair from the one I sat in the night before.

The feeling in the room is relax~d as I look around at my peers. Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about the men at the weekly support groups talking about their lives-from relationships in trouble to the rekindling of love.

I wonder about other participants in Men Overcoming Violence groups, making progress or wasting time . I imagine the women in the partners' group confiding in one another about the ups and .downs of living with men who have acted abusively toward them. Too, there is the possibility for healing and connection among men in the Survivors' group. In all the groups

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there are burning truths to tell, maybe tears to shed. And, of course, there are glimmers of hope for men finding support, for women feeling connection. Each is a part of the MRCs grand experiment in redefming masculinity The movement for which this magazine seeks to be a voice-men discovering and supporting an ongoing exploration of their emotional selves, and simultaneously actively decrying the masculine culture of disconnection and violence-is played out in microcosm in the MRCs Group Room. Person by person, week by week, its message is being carried into the greater community by the men and women who share a bit of their lives there. I invite you to stop by Maybe joining a group will feel right. Or, perhaps you'll just want to come by for a few quiet moments to sit in this sacred place and put your tush to a cush.

This issue of Voice Male speaks to a range of possibilities for men, including Will Glennons advice to parents and educators to help boys better develop their inner selves (page B), and joe Kellys Fathering column (page 13) suggesting "fathers' rights" proponents would be better served by concentrating on building up their relationships with their children rather than tearing down their former wives or partners.

Don Himmelman reports on the excitement he and fellow Nova Scotian Peter Davison felt attending a "building a mens center" training at the Mens Resource Center (page 12). The MRC's selection of three recipients-Bailey jackson, Luis Melendez, and Steve Theberge-for its 2000 "Challenge & Change Awards" (page 5) is a way the organization celebrates men whose lives reflect the kind of masculinity the MRC champions. In an interview by managing editor Michael Burke, philanthropist Mary Hale recounts the long road shes traveled from mistrusting men to becoming an ardent supporter of the brand of masculinity promoted in these pages (page 10) . . juan Carlos Arean examines the impact of oppression, privilege and aecess to power in a thought-provoking essay (page 16), and in Outlines, john and Nathan Abbott share their college application essays descnbing the love they feel for their gay father (page 14). Finally and Notes from Survivors columnist Steven jacobsen explores what the politics of touch means for male survivors of abuse (page 18).

As always, we enjoy hearing from you. Please drop a line, send us an e-mail, stop in and visit, pen an article or letter to the editor. We welcome your voice. May the fall bnng a rich harvest of harmony and ease for you and yours.

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES 2

From the Editor Directors Voice Mail Bonding Men@Work Fathering: Mens 'Rights' or What's 'Right' for Men?

3 4 5 l3

By joe Kelly Outlines: On Having a Gay Father . 14

By john Abbott and Nathan Abbott Notes from Survivors: The Politics of Touch

18

By Steven jacobsen MRC Programs & Services Resources Calendar

23 24 26

ARTICLES & OPINION Raising Boys' Emotional Intelligence

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By Will Glennon Mary Hale: Healing Gender Relations 10

By Michael Burke Training for Change

l2

By Don Himmelman Beyond "Cultural Competence"

16

By juan Carlos Arean Envisioning the Future of the MRC

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Voice Male is published quarterly by the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, mailed to donors and subscribers, and distributed at select locations throughout Western Massachusetts .

The mission of the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men~ leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families, and our communities. Our p~~rams support men to overcome the damaging eJJects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men~ patterns of personal and societal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street • Amherst, MA 01002 • 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfidd Office: 29 Howard Street • Springfield, MA 01105 • 413.734.3438 Hampohlre Community Email: mrc@valinet.com Website: www.mrc-wma.com

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Voice Male

By Steven Botkin

Director's Voice

Making Room for Feeling Admlnlstr•tlve St•fl Executive Dlt~ctor - Steven Botkin Auocl1te Dlt~ctor- Rob Okun Development Director - Paul En/is Busln11s M1n1glf - Carl Erikson DUlce M1n1glf - George Moonlight Davis Men Overcoming VIolence Directors - Russel/Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinotf Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Plrtnlf Servlc11 Coorrlln1tor - Sara Elinoff Group L11ders - Juan Carlos Arean, Scott Girard, Dave Gott, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Gary Ne'MX!mb, Rob Okun, Steve Trudel, Dan Williamson lnt1ke Coordlnltor!Court L11lson - Steve Trudel Plrtn~r Dutre1ch Counulor - Mary Dupont Brandt Fr~nklin County Coordin1tor - Joy Kaubin

Youth Progr•ms Youth DilfOJUI Project Doug Ginn, Mark Ribble H•mpden County Progr•ms Director - Juan Carlos Arean Voice M•le Editor - Rob Okun M1n1ginu Editor - Michael Burke Senior Editor - Steven Botkin Production - Mark Bergeron Copy Editors - Michael Dover. Maurice Posada Support Groups Director - Juan Carlos Arean Bo•rd of Directors Chlir - Michael Dover Vice-Chllr - Thom Herman Clert/Tre11urer - Peter Jessop Members -Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Ty Joubert, Yoko Kato, Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart Editor's Note . The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff, board. or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor. articles. news items, article ideas, and news of events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded to unless accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Send to: Editor. Voice Male, C/o the Men's Resource Center.

Membership The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25. Send to-MRC, 236 North Ple<Jsant St., Amherst, MA 01002.

Advertising For rates and deadlines cal/ Voice Male Advertising at 413-253-9887.

Fall2000

''Ut's

Building Community Transforming Culture

spend a few moments of quiet togetht:r. Breathing deeply-we can ·ve ourselves permission to feel fully all of the sensations of being here. We can bring our feelings into this room.~ This is how many of our support groups at the Men's Resource Center begin. In fact, some variation of this often begins MRC staff meetings as well. Since its founding in 1982, one of the core principles of the MRC has been to promote a culture that makes room for feeling.

The culture that has dominated this country and, increasingly; our world has powerful expectations that we separate ourselves from, and even deny; our sensations and feelings. ·We are expected to experience only a restrictively narrow range of reality (10 percent of our "brain"), often living with a chronic, halfconscious, frustrating sense of "something missing. " As men, we are particularly strong carriers of this aspect of the dominant culture. We are taught to have our most powerful sensory-emotional experiences in our crotch and/or in our fists. Other kinds of feeling experiences (in our bellies or our hearts, for example)-seen as "unmasculine"-seem to be mysterious, confusing, inaccessible, unsafe, and overwhelming. When we have strong feelings, we are taught to take quick action (trying to fix, stop, or run from the situation that seems to be creating them), rather than to actively "lean into" the experience, to feel it more deeply· As a result, the inevitable build-up of feelings creates behaviors that are often inappropriate and frequently dangerous. I believe this systematic violation of our natural birthright to feel everything is one of the roots of all of our abusive and oppressive behaviors.

"Breathing deeply - we can let ourselves fill with sensation. There is no feeling that needs to be changed, stopped, or hidden from . We can open ourselves to feel all of the energy coming through us. " Of course, the prospect of men having permission to feel more deeply can be a scary one for most of us (women and men) . All too often we have witnessed and eiperienced frightening behaviors (in ourselves and in others) that seem directly connected to deep feelings . So it is understandable that we might be cautious, suspicious, and even resistant to the prospect of supporting menourselves~in paying closer attention to our feeling self.

However, the direction for liberation and healing (both personally and socially) is clear.

We can remember: • Feeling is safe (there is nothing to fix or change). . • This particular moment is an important experience to feel deeply

(pause to feel the sensation in your body).

• We can share our. experience with others (this experience of feeling in oneself is funda-

mentally good and lovable).

"Breathing deeply- we can notice the experience of being together. We can 'check-in' together about our feelings being here, being together."

And that, of course, leads us to the creation of community-because together we contradict the dominant cultural messages of disconnection. We reassure each other that.our feeling self is welcomed, respected, and valued. We help each other know the profound difference between feeling deeply and acting abusively. We support each other · to challenge the restrictively narrow patterns of violence and oppression (in ourselves and in others), and to experience the feelings (in ourselves and in others) we inevitably encounter as a result. And we create a culture that is deep and enduring.

This is the community and the culture that we have been systematically developing at the Men's Resource Center. Staff, volunteers, group participants, and even casual visitors to the MRC often comment on the unique "feeling" that is present-on how wonderful it is to be in an environment where being-with-feeling is valued as much as doing.

And yet, if we are to grow to become a more diverse community; we must actively seek to welcome an even wider range of experiences and feelings. In order to accomplish this, we are asking you to return the questionnaire included in this magazine (page 21), and to join us in one of a series of meetings and "focus groups" about the future of the Men's Resource Center. An open meeting for all is scheduled on Wednesday, October ll, from 7 to 9 p .m . at the Amherst Unitarian Society (see back cover for details) . I am delighted to be facilitating this meeting with Kristi Nelson, director of the Womens Fund of Western Massachusetts. Please join us.

Love is the experience of deeply feelingand knowing it is safe.

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WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten , double-spaced letters to : VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length . Deadline for the Winter 2000 Issue is November S, 2000.

Home-Schooled Gender Equality Thanks to Steven Botkin for coming to share his work with us (at the Pathfinder Center, an educational resource for homeschooled teenagers). I definitely think that what you are doing is what needs to happen to make a better culture. The issues facing the Mens Resource Center are ones that must be addressed before gender equality can happen. I hope that the MRC will inspire the rest of society as much as it did q~.e. I hope to help out next year, including (again) distributing Voice Male.

Clare Ryan Pathfinder Center Amherst, Mass.

More Dialogue, Please!

Michael Burkes article "Whats So Funny About Anti-Male Humor" was one of the most down-to-earth, honest assessments of contemporary gender politics that I've read in a long time. The feelings and animosity hidden under the guise of comedy are very real-as the cliche says, "In every joke there is a little bit of truth." Humor, in this case, acts like a shield-if one doesn't laugh along or goes as far as to object, they are branded as "too serious" or "too PC." Never, as Burke so astutely pointed out, is the underlying meaning of the "joke" looked at. I hope that Burkes article leads to more discussion and dialogue around this issue.

Michelle Jarrett Amherst, Mass.

MRC Changing Direction?

If the tone of this letter sounds like I am angry, it must be because I am. Let me explain. I take great pride in knowing that through my 5 plus year affiliation with the MRC, several years of which I was the codirector of the organization, I helped build a foundation that has allowed the MRC to continue to blossom into what it is today.

So when I see the organization moving in directions that I feel are antithetical to a progressive pro-feminist, gay affirmative, male positive perspective, I feel concerned and angry that the dream and vision I worked toward has been altered, or worse, co-opted by the more reactionary components of the "mens movement."

What I am referring to specifically is your recently published article "Whats so funny about anti-male humor?" It was with great surprise and dismay that I read this

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article in the Spring 2000 edition of Voice Male. While I know you at times put articles in your magazine that are not the perspective of the MRC, when the article is written by the Voice Male managing editor, it stands to reason that the opinions put forth reflect the organizational stance.

Numerous people are responsible for the Voice Male content, so I am left wondering how many people at the MRC support the views put forth in this article. Thus I have two questions to pose in response to that article .

One, when did the whining backlash element of the mens rights thread of the men's movement become part of the MRC philosophy? The article seems to fit right into that perspective, as it possesses little critical understanding of the historical or current realities of oppression and gender relations. Instead what is stated is that "Men are the last and latest major group on whom it has been unofficially declared open season. It's become somehow acceptable to take a free shot at males as a gender - using stereotypical, demeaning, and even violent imagery. And sad to say, many of the shooters are women." Are we supposed to believe that in a culture saturated with homophobic, white supremacist, and misogynist images, including humor, men have become the primary targets? I can't believe this is a perspective the MRC endorses yet there it is, in print, in your magazine, written by the managing editor.

I'm not saying I feel we should be able to make jokes about any one or anything at anytime without regard to the impact.

That is a total misunderstanding of the rights and responsibilities of freedom of speech in a multicultural democratic society As we strive for justice, it is important for us to exam the content and process of our discourse, for it is essential for us to understand that, as Audre Lorde tells us, "the master's tools will never dismantle the master's house." However, we also have to understand that humor is a nuanced social phenomenon that operates on many levels simultaneously. And, we have to have a sense of humor. Keep in mind, the term "politically correct" was coined by the political left to remind us not to take ourselves sp seriously.

My second question is when did the MRC become so elitist, as in "I know that my friends at the MRC are in some ways the cream of men and not entirely representative of the general population"? When I was co-director of the MRC, we used to talk about how each of us was very much

like every other man in that we grew up with the same influences, could related to socialized messages, etc. Has the conversation at the MRC changed that much in four years that you now believe yourselves to be "the cream of men"? Are the rest of us "lowly" guys supposed to aspire to be like you? Should I feel blessed to even have you consider publishing this letter?

I could go on, but I won't. In closing I want to encourage the editors of Voice Male to seek a deeper critical social analysis in the articles they publish, unless of course your intent is to cater to the men's rights ".we're so oppressed" contingent of the men's movement. In that case, just 路keep on printing articles like "What's so funny about anti-male humor?"

Tom Schiff .florence, Mass.

Michael Burke replies: Notwithstanding my position as Voice Male managing editor, my opinions are my own and (as stated on page 3 of this magazine) "may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC." The MRC continues to be a pro-feminist, gay-affirmative, and male-positive organization, and its commitment to ending sexism and challenging violence remains unwavering. Nothing in my article that I can discern contradicts or conflicts with this mission. I fail to see how arguing for applyins the same standards to our treatment oJ males and females, for example, qualifies me for the "whining backlash .. . mens rights" camp, as Schiff charges. My statements about men at the MRC were meant as a tribute to those I know and work with, not as a denigration of others. Finally, I was not saying that men have become the "primary" target of demeaning, dehumanizing, and outright violent humor; as some readers have been quick to remind me, women and people of color are still getting bashed, one way or another, unfortunately. My claim was only that bashing men had become publicly "acceptable" in many quarters in a way that openly bashing other groups no longer is. This may be arguable; the main point, however, is that bashing any gender or group doesn't advance our mutual under. standing and coexistence. continued on page 21

Voice Male

MEN(庐WORK Bailey Jackson, Luis Melendez, Stephan Theberge

Challenge & Change Award Winners Named hree activists for social justice will receive the 2000 Challenge and Change award from the Mens Resource Center at its fifth annual Awards Banquet. The awards dinner will be at the Hotel Northampton on Thursday, November 30. (To order tickets, or for more

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information, call the Men's Resource Center at (413) 253-9887, Ext. 15.) Bailey jackson, dean of the School of Education at the University of Massachusetts; Luis Melendez, an HIV-AIDS prevention educator and Spanish-language media producer; and Stephan Theberge, a former volunteer in the MRCs youth programs, are this years honorees.

'These men embody the principles by which we operate," said Michael Dover, MRC board chair. "Each in his own way demonstrates through his life and work the kind of positive masculinity that we envision for a jus.t society. We're delighted to have this opportunity to focus community attention on men who model what it means to live one's life with personal integrity and commitment to a better world."

Dr. Bailey Jackson has been a professor of education for almost 25 years; he has been dean of the UMass School of Education for the past nine years.

Dean jackson has contributed to the formation and development of several local, state, and regional networks in support of schools of education and education reform. He is also recognized nationally and internationally as one of the leading theorists in the area of Racial Identity Development. The ideas he has propounded in this area have helped educators and researchers understand issues around identity development faced by members of various racial and ethnic groups. As one of the primary architects of the concept of multicultural organizational development, jackson, through his recent work, has provided a framework for people and organizations creating conditions for institutional change around diversity, racism, and multiculturalism.

"Bailey has been a powerful voice for social justice within the educational community," said Paul Entis, the MRC's development director, who received his masters Fall2000

degree in social justice education under jacksons leadership. "His ideas are well known and highly regarded among those who seek equality and understanding in this society."

Luis Melendez is currently the director ofHIV-AIDS Prevention and Education services at the Spanish American Union in Springfield.

He is a strong supporter of the use of popular forms of culture such as music, drama, poetry, and graphic arts for community development. Melendez is also a Spanish-language media producer, perhaps best known in the region as the host of Tertulia , the program he has been producing since 1985 on public radio station WFCR-FM. In addition, he is the senior producer of Proyecto Vida en Televisi6n, which documents through interviews, documentaries, and art the efforts of Latinos in the struggle against AIDS. "Through all of his work, Luis strives to promote diversity and social justice," noted MRC Executive Director Steven Botkin.

"Tertulia is an especially important resource for the communities of western New England, bringing the Latino voice and perspective to a wide audience." Melendez is the proud father of a 21-year-old daughter and lives with his partner in Northampton.

Stephan Theberge is the recipient of the MRC award designated for youth which was initiated in 1999. He left high s~hool wl:J,en he was 16, becoming one of the first students at the Pathfinder Center in Amherst, which supports selfand home-schooled young people. This independent path led him to an apprenticeship at a pottery studio and to volunteering as a member of the MRC's youth programs. "Steve was one of the first volunteers in our Mentor/Advocates for Respect and Safety路(MARS) project," said the MRCs Russell Bradbury-Carlin, who codirected MARS, which helped empower young people to work against sexism and gender-related violence. "Its hard to imagine

what the project would have been like without him. When we started the follow-up program, Socially Active Youth, Steve was right in there, helping to define and structure the project, training volunteers, and energizing everything and everyone with his presence." Stephan co-created, with Elena Botkin-Levy, a monthly radio program on the UMass station, WMUA. RadioActive Youth was, in his words, "a by-youth/foryouth show focusing on real issues that confront young people today as well as countering the criminalized media images of youth." The program covered such topics as racism in the Amherst school system, feminism in the 21st century, domestic violence, access to information about sex, and how the criminal "in-justice" system affects young people. Theberge also has worked around prison issues with the Prison Book Project and the Western Mass. Resistance Coalition in Northampton. Now 19, he recently moved to New York City, where he is attendin~ Columbia University.

Yoko Kato: A Woman of the Year MRC board member Yoko Kato has been selected to receive one of five "Woman of the Year 2000" awards given by the Avon Corporation of japan. Kato was nominated by a student group in japan under the category of Education, and both she and the students will receive cash awards in a Tokyo ceremony on November 1.

Katos daughter and grandson were killed seven years ago by the boys father, who is now serving two life terms for the murders.

"Ever since then," said Steven Botkin, MRC executive director, "Yoko has been an incredibly powerful advocate for ending domestic violence. She honors us with her presence on our board." Kato also serves on the boards of the Springfield YWCA and Necessities!Necesidades, a battered women's shelter and advocacy agency in Northampton.

Born in japan, Kato has lived in the United States for many years, but since her daughter and grandson were killed, she has returned to japan five times to speak out against domestic violence in a country that, until she helped galvanize response, had done very little to recognize the problem.

On her last trip earlier this year, she was

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MEN(®WORI< accompanied by District Attorney Elizabeth Scheibel and Assistant DA Susan Loehn in meetings with attorneys, legisl<itors, police officials, and others to explain how domestic violence is treated in the Massachusetts crimiYoko Kato nal justice system.

Kato has also hosted numerous japanese delegations to our region , helping them learn about the local response to domestic violence. Through her efforts, the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) has been prominently featured in two japanese television documentaries broadcast throughout Asia.

New Guide for Fathers Parents whose children have special needs face special challenges. For fathers the task of adjusting to caring for a child needing extra care has been particularly difficult. Over the years, services for·men in that situation have been scant if they exist at all. Happily for fathers in western Massachusetts there is help . To comple-

ment the range of services he has been providing for several years, Ron Baer, director of the Fathers' Network has produced a stunningly beautiful new booklet, "My Child Has Special Needs: A Guide for Fathers." Dedicated "to all men who share in doing the day-to-day caregiving of-raising a child with special needs," the booklet is accessible, handsomely designed and replete with moving photographs and quotes depicting a range of experiences fathers, mothers, and children with special needs share. How fathers walk the special journey of raising a child with special needs, and meet the challenges of bonding, isolation, time , money and work are among the important issues skillfully explored in the · guide. To find out how to get a copy, or for more information about the Fathers' Network, contact Ron Baer at the Fathers' Network, 2 North Rd., Westhampton, MA 01027 (413) 529-9226.

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Conference on Sexual Abuse Against Men Scheduled The National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV) is holding its ninth bi-annual international conference in New York City on October 25 through 28, 2001. The conference theme is "Healing Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men" and will have Healing, Training, Prevention, and Research tracks. The conference is for male survivors of sexual abuse, clinicians, researchers, educators, clergy, students, and law enforcement personnel. Presenters of varied professional and personal backgrounds are encouraged to apply, including men with sexual abuse histories who do not work professionally . with other survivors.

NOMSV's aim is to educate about, advocate for, and ensure proper treatment is available to sexually abused boys and men.

The organization was formed in 1988 and is the only non-profit national organization that specifically addresses male sexual victimization. In addition to the bi-annual conference, NOMSV also maintains a toll free number (800-738-4181), and sponsors healing retreats. Its website was visited by 147,000 people in the first three months of this year. To submit a paper or workshop proposal, either visit NOMSV's website at www.malesurvivor.org or write conference chair Eli Zal, C.S.W, 80 East 11 Street, #425, New York, NY 10003. The Mens Resource Center is one of 18 affiliate sponsors of the gathering.

Men's Health Unhealthy College Best/Worst List Men's Health magazine's September list of 10 Most Male-Friendly and Anti-Male American Colleges may be hazardous to every students health. The story declares that campuses with strong sexual assault prevention policies are bad for men, while ones with lots of beer and "tanned coeds" are best.

"The notion that the safety of women and the happiness of men are mutually exclusive is a crock," says Hank Shaw of Rochester, N.Y. a member of Dads and ·Daughters (DADs), a national.advocacy organization. "I want my nieces to go to colleges where their safety isn't perceived as a 'drag' or 'downer' by guys."

According to DADs' executive director, joe Kelly (see his Fathering column, page 13), those outraged by the magazines position should demand that Men's Health pubVoice Male

MEN@)WORK lishei, Rodale, Inc., disavow the story and publish a responsible look at healthy college environments. E-mail info@rodale.com; write Ms. Ardath Rodale, CEO, Rodale, Inc., 33 E.Minor St. , Emmaus, PA, 18098; or call (610) 9675171.

"Our sons need to know," Kelly said, " that respect and equality make for healthy relationships and happiness - while our daughters' right to safety must never be denied or mocked."

Those wishing to read DADs' letter to Rodale can read it on their website: www.dadsanddaughters.orgtmhealth.htm.

Men Overcoming Violence Comes to the Quabbin The Men Overcoming Violence Program (MOVE) has expanded its batterers' intervention and community education program into the North Quabbin AthoVOrange area in eastern Franklin County. joy Kaubin, formerly batterers' intervention program coordinator for

Community and Support Options (CSO) in Athol is the new Franklin County Batterers' Intervention Coordinator for the MOVE Program. In connection with that work, she will be overseeing a community educator program aimed at sexual assault prevention and working to end domestic abuse "joy will be coordinating activities throughout the county, including co-facilitating MOVE groups in Greenfield and Athol, said Sara Elinoff, MOVE co-director.

"We're fortunate to have someone of joy's talent and experience working with us." In addition to Kaubin, MOVE welcomes returning MOVE group leader Gary Newcomb who is co-facilitating the Athol group. For more information about either the MOVE group or the community education work, contact the program at (978) 575-9994 or (413) 253-9588.

Men Supporting Men Seven men have completed a facilitators' training and have joined the leadership team of the Support Groups Program of the Men's Resource Center. The new

facilitators are Ken Bernstein, jim Devlin, Damien Licata, Tom Schuyt, Gary Stone, Patrick Tangredi, and Randy Zucco.

Meanwhile, Tim Gordon, a facilitator for several years, has moved to Ithaca, N.Y., to pursue graduate studies at Cornell University. "Tim worked hard on behalf of men," said Support Groups Director juan Carlos Arean. "We will miss him."

In addition to the general issues open group which meet Sunday evenings in Amherst and Tuesday evenings in Northampton, the Gay. Bisexual and Questioning men's group meets Monday night in Amherst and the group for men who experienced abuse or neglect as a child or adolescent meets Friday evenings 路 in Amherst. "We are hoping our support group for men 50 and older will continue to meet through the fall," Arean said, "based on renewed support from the helpful funding agency, Highland Valley Elder Services.

For information on MRC Support Groups, contact Arean at (413) 253-9887, Ext. 17.

There are 10,000 Kids in Springfield who need a little of your time ...

Just a few hours a month is all it takes

" I never knew how rewarding mentoring could be, I feel like I got more out of it than the Mentee"

Fall2000

For at risk youth, a little time makes all the difference in the world. One mature caring adult teaming up with one kid.

That's what mentoring is all about. A relationship where you share experiences. We are asking you to be a friend. Someone to look up to. There are many ways and many programs that will get you involved with mentoring ihrough out western Massachusetts. Contact Nancy Court to help you find the mentoring opportunity that fits.

SPRiNGFieLD HeNToRiNG PaRTNeRSHiP

BeCoMe AmEnToR.

1391 Main Street, Suite 1016 Springfield, MA 01103 Phone(413)732-1492 Fax(413)747-5368 mentorscaspringfieldcares.org

(413) 732-1492 7

Raising Boys' Emotional Intelligence

By Will Glennon I

hen my son was five, I took him on one of many trips to visit his grandparents. As we sat around in the post~vening meal glow, I watched him work the room in his unique-and extraordinary style. He had a capacity to insert himself effortlessly right into your heart, alternately playing, talking, touching, cuddling, laughing, and hugging. As he made his rounds before being shuttled off to bed, my mother, who sat beside me watching this unfold, turned to me and said, "He reminds me so much of you at that age."

She meant it as a compliment, both for him and for me, but it left me speechless--! could not ever remember myself so uninhibitedly connected to my heart. Somehow, in the process of growing up male in this culture, in the space of a decade between my childhood and my confused teenage years, I had grown into a young man who lived completely within his head and was, without even knowing it, completely" cut off from his feelings.

The long journey back to reconnecting with my emotional self has been the most difficult and painful thing I have ever undertaken, and the years I existed as an emotional cripple are lost forever. Watching my son,

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need to become decent, caring, full human still intact, not yet weighted down by the beings. enormous pressure to be tough, to be ratioWe look out today in horror at a society nal, to hold back tears, and , implicitly, to stop feeling, I vowed that I would do what- - scarred by senseless violence and hatred.

From mindless massacres in our schools to ever was necessary to help him survive his the numbmg randomness youth with his beautiful heart intact. It was a of street violence, our solemn promise I society seems to have made that day, taken leave of its senses. but not one that And the truth, the truth was easy to that we scarcely want to achieve. Much of admit, is that the viowhatever wisdom lence is virtually all might appear in committed by men, these words arose men who were once from mistakes I young boys who made with him. laughed and hugged As a society, we and loved. have made great Our focus on the strides on behalf of plight of women has women, and that i~ produced a significant an extraordinary body of research on the how, when, and thing. We have why of collapsing self-esteem in girls. realized that in denigrating the feminine , we Though we have only begun to turn our have impoverished the whole . By systematiattention toward the development of boys. cally hindering wonien from assuming their power in the world, we have lost generations some significant information has emerged.

Studies show that young girls tend to be of insight. And in the process, we have strong and self-confident until the onset of forced our sons to grow into adulthood puberty It is then that the crisis of selfwithout access to the very resources they

Voice Male

esteem hits and hits hard. Boys, on the other hand, tend to go through two distinct crises: the first at age five or six, and the second at puberty One more tantalizing piece of information is that among infants and toddlers, boys tend to be more emotionally expressive than girls, only to lose this skill as they grow. At age five or six, the acculturation process first kicks in, and for our sons, it kicks in with a merciless impact.

As I see it, the issue in raising our daughters is providing them with the love, support, internal strength, and self-confidence to grow fully into their lives; the 1ssue for our sons is bringing them to maturity with their emotional centers intact and accessible.

Through interactions at school and on the playground and exposure to cultural stereotypes through television, movies, and video games, our sons quickly learn that boys are supposed to be tough; to be tough means not having any feelings except anger.

In a boy's world, everything becomes competitive, and you need to take the blows-literally and figuratively-and pretend they don't hurt if you hope to measure up . At age five , boys are already deep into the process of sealing off their hearts, cutting the ties that connect them to their own emotional worlds.

The second and potentially more dangerous crisis strikes boys at puberty, when issues as emotionally charged as sex, love,

and one's identity as a man suddenly emerge with urgency. Yet the very resources our sons need to deal with these issues, a solid grounding in their own emotional worlds, never got developed. As a consequence, they find themselves living in a strange and dangerous world full of pressing and confusing questions, and they don't even have the language to find the answers.

Cut off from their emotions, our sons are truly lost, since they do not even know what is missing. They try to compensate by pressing on to understand, to develop their gift of reason, for therein appears to lie protection from the unknown. Their emotions remain intact, but are repressed into the darkness of their unconscious.

Much research still needs to be done to complete the picture. One question that may not be answered for a very long time is just how much of the behavior differences between boys and girls is rooted in biology and how much is a product of social and cultural expectations. At one extreme are those who believe that boys and girls are from different worlds altogether-for lack of a better term, the "Mars and Venus" theory I personally think this is a foolhardy position, if for no other reason than that it tells us to stop thinking and worrying about how we raise our children; the results are inevitably cpded into our genes.

But the status quo is not acceptable.

Raising generation after generation of girls with shattered self-esteem and boys with lit-

tie or no emotional intelligence is neither inevitable nor desirable. There is nothing "alien" about little boys or little girls. We are the same species and we dream the same ' dreams. We all want to love and be loved and to have lives of meaning and purpose.

While we cannot change our biology, we can begin to change the way we raise our children.

In my earlier book, 200 Ways to Raise a Girl's Self-Esteem, I tried to provide practical suggestions for giving our daughters a better chance of growing up with their self-esteem not only intact but vibrantly strong and resilient. Now I am offering equally straightforward suggestions for helping our sons grow into manhood connected to their hearts and resonating with the O.eep emotional intelligence they will need to live full and joyful lives. Some are suggestions to develop or support your son's emotional repertoire; others are attitudes that we adults must cultivate in order to nurture our boys into adulthood. No matter who the boy in your life, no matter his age, it's never too late to stan.

"Raising Boys' Emotional Intelligence" was excerpted from 200 Ways to Raise a Boys Emotional Intelligence by Will Glennon, Conari Press, copyright 2000.

Available at bookstores or by calling 1-800685-9595. Will Glennon is also author of

Fathering: Strengthening Connections with Your Children No Matter Where You Are and 200 Ways to Raise a Girls Self-Esteem, also published by Conari Press.

Looking to connect~ Try the MRC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men.

Every Tuesday at HCAC, 218 State St., 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

IN AMHERST Open to all men.

Every Sunday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

FOR GAY, BISEXUAL, AND QUESTIONING MEN Every Monday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD ABUSE AND TRAUMA Call the MRC for more information FREE-FACILITATED-cONFIDENTIAL 236 NORTH PLEASANT STREET, AMHERST路 (413) 253-9887

9

Common Work:

Mary Hale on Healing Gender Relations

By Michael Burke n nearly seven decades of living, Mary Hale has seen a lot and experienced many changes. Born when Herbert Hoover was still president, Hale was brought up in a fairly traditional family in Syracuse, New York, married and raised two children in Ottawa, Canada, where she lived and taught elementary school and English as a Second Language for 20 years. After her husbands untimely death in a bike accident lO years ago, she returned to the States alone and eventually settled in Cummington, a hill town in western Massachusetts, in part to be near her daughter.

Marriage, children, teaching, widowhood, a return to her homeland and-a relaxed life of retirement? Hardly. living in Cummington, Mary Hale met Kristi Nelson, executive director of the Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts, who at the time also lived in the town. Hale was immediately impressed with Nelson-"Kristi inspired me with her heart energy," she says--and wanted to learn more about the Women$ Fund. She attended a workshop on "Women and Money"-an important and touchy issue for Hale at the time, since her husband had left her a lfamily inheritance that she didn't know what to do with, leaving her bewildered, overwhelmed, and angry.

What she learned there helped.

"I was searching myself," she says.

"Since I became uncoupled, it has opened up opportunities for growth .... I could have let that money sit in a financial service, let ~hem take care of it, have some go to traditional community organizations. With the support I've received from the Women$ Fund around money, I got a little more courage-to break ranks and do what I personally felt was important, to take myself as a female person more seriously. " Hale first decided to volunteer on the staff of the Women's Fund, and stayed there several months. "It was a wonderful place to be," she says. She learned about the organization, became committed to its mission, and then used some of her inheritance to

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riencing-whatever the hard places arestarting with other males. This is happening in this center. I now walk with a knowledge of the Mens Resource Center-with balance.

They're taking care of their business---I'm attending to my business. And that is new. It is revolutionary. This is blockbuster stuff!"

Hales enthusiasm for this common work is infectious--talking to her, you can't help but pick up on her energy Given her spirit, its hard to believe that she grew up amid the constraints and "confinements," as she says, of a traditional, male-dominated family.

She tells a story about her parents, Dorothy and Robert Salisbury, whose first child, a girl, prompted Roberts father to remark, "Well, Dorothy, next time we'll do better." That girl was Mary.

"She never in her lifetime openly objected to that experience," Hale says of her mother. "They [women of the time] took the war inside. She didn't have the support that I have. She coped. Females were separate and in a fortress , armed. My mother, her mother-they were cannons. I was a walking minefield.

"My father was just as ill equipped to know what to do with a girl child.

My father and I were exceptionally close in a certain way-it was a tricky way, unsettling, especially as I became a teenager.

We shared humor, my fortress. I was undefended. I experienced male people-that$ what I call and mild flirtation, :I:::::ijj;:j:::;:·j:jiij~,:::i.iij'i.;:i.:~.~-~:_.:,::i·f!!i;'.' !·'-'j· ::. ~ .· ... he got joy and pleathem-in a new way. Attending the [MRCS "Challenge&: Change"] awards sure from seeing dinner was the next 'coming out' for me. me-l took that in.

And then I saw even more! I was very angry But he couldn't take me seriously. I never felt at males--and there were these male people he could meet me as a complete person." touching each other, smiling, enjoying each By contrast, Hale says, when her brother other's company in a public way. The Bobby was born, the prevailing view within the family was "at last, a valid Salisbury." speeches were so moving. They were using my language-about feelings, and an inner When her father died in 1988, Hale was on world . hand, taking care of him. Bobby was in "What impresses me about this place, charge of the estate, and subsequently sent her an envelope that had been in their what moves me about the work, is to witness male people taking responsibility for fathers safety deposit box. In it was a lock of themselves--for what they are feeling, expehair wrapped in a pink bow, with a handfurther its work, becoming a significant donor.

"What matters to me about the Womens Fund is it doesn't have a sharp edge against males--no male bashing," she explains. "Its a collegial way [for women and men] to do common work. " "Common work" emerges frequently as a theme in Hales conversation, and her interest in the shared endeavor of rebuilding gender relations led her to visit the Mens Resource Center for the first time, at an open house celebrating the MRCs purchase of its building in 1998. Kristi Nelson was to speak at the ceremony, and so Hale, on a whim, decided to attend. What she saw and felt there changed her life and her outlook yet again.

'That was a pivotal experience for me," she acknowl-

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written note: "Lock of Mary:S hair."

To Hale, the keepsake, a remembrance of that first girl child, has great significance.

"Mother was the family chronicler, but he kept it," she says. "He wanted to keep it secret-his feelings were locked up. He was afraid of his feelings. It would be safe, but not revealed until after his death."

Likewise, certain aspects of Hale:S 34year relationship with her husband, Bob Hale, became clearer after his sudden death . .

She describes it as a "good marriage," but admits that in many ways, "I could only care for myself. ..I didn't know any better. I checked out, I was depressed [at tim,es) . It was the best I could do then. But the last four years were sweet for me, becaure I was softening."

That "softening" presaged the transition Hale went through as a widow-not only dealing with being alone, and coming back to the United States, but embarking on her inward journey, her route toward finding herself and the girl child, now a woman, who had been lost all those years.

"This is huge," she says of her discovery: ''I'm representing a lot of ancestors! This is my experience, one woman:S story: This is 路 the best part of my life-I am very grateful

for my life. I love living, and I appreciate all that I have learned."

She:S even grateful for the money she inherited, which once seemed so burdensome-part of the "mess" to be cleaned up after her husband died. That money has been put to good use in Hale:S "single-focus philanthropy," as she calls it, helping the Women:S Fund. And, directly and indirectly, through words and actions, Hale hopes to help men as well, including such organizations as the Men:S Resource Center and their feminist allies, to continue the common work of negotiating, developing-and even tearing down and rebuilding-gen~er relations.

"At this time there:S big work males need to do," she says matter-of-factly "Women have been doing it. We're ahead-we've had some experience. What you're doing [at the MRC) is raaical. It:S rewarding, and it:S grown out of our work. We have been teachers. I want to support women to do the work I've done. We don't have to wait for men. After we've both done this stuff, then there:S a possibility for us [men and women) to be together. Of course, it:S going to be confusing-my inner journey was. We're breaking stuff up, like our roles: It will hap-

pen naturally Separations, in my view, are unnatural. " To men who feel afraid of changing gender roles, of feminism and how it will affect (or already has affected) their lives, Hale counsels calm. ''You start with yourself, " she advises. "Don't be afraid to go deeper. Try to be honest within yourself. We're [women and men) meant to be in love. Not like lovers, but we can get closer to that. It can be an adventure."

And with a nod to the MRC, Hale concludes, ''I'm inspired by what the Men:S Resource Center is trying to do here. It makes me feel there:S hope for a better world."

Volunteer managing editor of Voice Male, Michael Burke is a freelance writer and editor who lives in Amherst, Massachusetts:

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Fall2000

11

By Don Himmelman

Building Men's Community

Canadian Men's Organization at _the MRC

Training for Change memi:Jers of Men for Change, a men's organization in Halifax, Nova cotia, Peter Davison and I had for some time admired the range of services provided by the Men's Resource Center.

How thrilling it would be, we thought, to visit our brothers to see them in action and learn firsthand how to build a mens center. This spring we had an opportunity to do just that.

Men for Change was founded in 1989 in the wake of a horrific mass shooting by a lone man in Montreal. Over the past 11 years we have worked within the greater community and among ourselves to challenge violence and to support creative masculinity. In the last decade we have · presented a wide variety of community programs and events.

"We are now at a stage where we are ready to secure a permanent home and create sustainable programming," Peter wrote the MRC. "This is quite a leap as up to now we have been operating without a home or a budget. But the timing seems right to visit a model men's center. " So in early May we set out for Massachusetts for a two-day training with program directors at the center.· After an epic passage on the ferry to Portland, Maine, during which we encountered gale-force seas, we arrived in Amherst, excited by the prospect of a longheld dream becoming real. Warmly welcomed at the MRC, we weren't there long before it became quite apparent that there was more at work there than mere fact finding! Indeed, the theme of foundation stones literally presented itself during the introductions when we were informed that someone might be picking up a stone for a

among the dozen or so men and women we met. We scribbled notes furiously and asked a multitude of questions-from how to start a batterers' intervention program to how to raise money from individual donors and foundations . "How familiar this all seems," I remember thinking. "Its as though we were resuming an interrupted conversation with a long-lost friend ," Peter said. Our generous hosts ensured that these conversations carried on even when we ventured out en masse· for lunch or supper at local cafes. By the end of each day we were well satiated on many levels.

When our board asked us what the highlights of the trip were, Peter replied how the men at the MRC "honored the personal aspect of their work. Walking the talk, weaving a delicate balance between social action and personal witness ." Newly e minted as executive director of Men for j Change, Peter was encouraged by the ~ board to be bold and inspirational in his " leadership so that others would be ~ ·E inspired to engage their own gifts. It's an ~ interesting challenge for us, because the organization has relied on egalitarian, leadArticle author Don Himmelman, second from the left erless decision making for the past 10 and Peter Davison, right, of Nova Scotia's Men For years.

Change, with the MRC's George Moonlight Davis, left, It was an honor to walk around in the and Rob Okun.

MRC's home and witness what can be the stone being sent from the MRC to manifested t.o support the cause of healthy Taos. With no effort at all we had conmasculinity The MRC has realized its nected with like-minded men in far-off intention through hard work and a susNew Mexico. tained vision , and their very existence .

Over the next two days we participated affirms the path our own group has choin a marathon of meetings with MRC prosen. It can be done! Knowing that others gram directors and staff in the nearly 20share the journey with us is an added year-old organization's homey downtown bonus.

"Although our visit was too brief, we offices. The atmosphere in the building was relaxed, informal, and cooperative accomplished what we had set out to dowitness a mens resource center in action and learn more of whats involved in creating and sustaining such a center," Peter said. "We are confident that more exchanges between Men for Change and the Men's Resource Center will be taking place in the days ahead. " The shared vision of creating peaceful homes and gentle hearts is an international venture that Men for Change is glad to join the Men's Resource Center in undertaking.

brother center in Taos, New Mexico. By coincidence, we had brought two stones tumbled smooth and round by ocean waves. One was inscribed with the word "Trust"; the other with "Welcome." In that . moment we chose the latter to accompany

177 Main Street. Northampton • 586-0803 • Open 7 Days

~~vour

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Local Fun Fi"t"ters"

Voice Male

By, joe Kelly

Fathering

"Men's Rights"- or What's Right for Men? Advice for a single mom? "Ensure the man does walk away. Believe it or not a woman's attitude is 99.9 percent of the problem."

How to address family violence? "We have to stop denying the fact that 65 percent of domestic violence victims are men. n The purpose of the women's movement? "Feminists have more power than they admit, and [we must] expose the lies and hypocrisy of their anti-male message.n Solutions to child support system problems? "The American Coalition for Fathers and Children (ACFC) is callingfor peaceful protests due to the abhorrent practices of child support agendes. ACFC does not condone violence as a means of protest.

ACFC hereby states it is neither responsible nor liable for the actions of the individuals or independent organizations partidpating in thesBprotests." ad enough? I have. And this is just a mild taste of the vitriol fueling much of the so-called mens rights movement. Sadly, reactionary "mens rights" resources are the most widespread and readiLy available to partners, fathers, and husbands going through the fire of a family breakup. As a father, I am amazed and shocked by the attention these groups direct toward a woman-blaming, "we got screwed," score-keeping attitude as opposed to working for the well-being of their children and the deepening of childfather relationships after a breakup. · As an e-mail correspondent, a father named Andrew, put it, "I thought bad attitudes were 99.9 percent of most problems (male or female) . I would suggest a book for the author of the co~ments [excerpted above] . Its pretty readily available; its called the Holy Bible. One of the most important themes of this book is the line of removing the large ~bstruction from ones own·eyes before trying to remove something from someone elses."

Andrew identifies the key element that

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Fall2000

fathers' rights groups miss and that progender-justice men have failed to adequately address on a broad scale: the only

attitude we can truly change is our own.

Examining ones own attitudes and behaviors and then doing whatever possible to strengthen and deepen the relationship with ones children is the best way to help both them and us. Such a path is, in many cases (and not exclusively post-divorce), the most difficult one for fathers to travel.

However, it is also just as clear that kneejerk blaming of women, feeling victimized, and remaining stuck in anger and bitterness are pretty much guaranteed to undermine any relationship a father has with his kids as well as to hinder their best development as people. And, b)\ t.he way, such a posture pretty much guarantees that a mans own emotional and spiritual growth will be crippled.

Thats not to say men should never be angry, or that they should blindly accept the cultures too-often-dismissive attitude . toward fathers . But we have to remember we are this culture-we help create and influence it. And remember that these are our children, the issue of both their mother and their father. They are not anyones property; they are (to paraphrase Kahlil Gibran) on loan from a higher power who places them in our care.

Some men may get a short-lived satisfaction from blaming women for most family problems, and/or the family court system for screwing them, or "radical feminists" for ruining society. But all that those attitudes leave behind is a trail of bitterness. What are the benefits from this kind of attitude and this kind of thinking? . There are none .

Its time those of us with a vision of reconciliation between men and women (instead of combativeness between them) start offering our embittered and wounded brothers a rich alternative-the heritage of gender justice and the opportunities it offers, regardless of the personal, familial, or social circumstances one is in. Through sustained and courageous efforts towards gender justice, women have created many more (though still not fully equal) opportunities for themselves in the world of work and community But not enough men have yet stepped forward to grasp the opportunities in family life which the

move- ~~~~~~~~~~

womens ment has offered us . I think fathers should be leading the wayespecially fathers who are ki )) }} in or who have experienced family crises, such as separation or a childs misfortune. These are prime dates for recogniz.ing the ways in which our culture fails fathers and men to the degree that it fails to attain gender justice for mothers and women, daughters and sons, fathers and men.

Unless men of heart and their allies open their eyes to the wonderful opportunity such awareness affords them, then the angry, scared, vulnerable ·men passing through their personal fires will under- · standably turn to voices raised loud enough for them to hear. The voices of bitter, Hateful fathers, men so angered by loss of gender "privilege" that they would blindly lash out seeking revenge. Revenge, vitriol, and an embittered commitment to "scorekeeping" will not improve mens lives or bring them closer to their children.

What will? Honestly acknowledging the hurt, anger, grief, and confusion. From that place, motivated by love for their children and themselves, they can begin to heal and move toward a deeper relationship with their sons and daughters, as well as deepening their commitment to obtaining gender justice for all.

joe Kelly is the fath er of 20-year-old twin daughters and married to a feminist. He is executive director of Dads and Daughters (www.dadsanddaughters.org), a national, ·nonprofit education and advocacy group for daughters and fathers. joe was cofounder of New Moon, the award-winning, girl-edited alternative magazine, and editor of New Moon Network: For Adults Who Care About Girls. He lives in Duluth, Minnesota,

and can be reached by e-mail at joe@ dadsanddaughters.org.

13

路Gay & Bisexual Voices

By Nathan Abbott and john Abbott

On Having a Gay Father accepted the fact as "part of his life" and, through the filial relationship, part of my life. I have, grown accustomed to, and comfortable with, the life and identity of my father. I hold no qualms about visiting his environment or meeting his friends. I do not seek to hide or change his individuality or personality No love has been lost and surprisingly little tension has been aroused

"Stereotypes Are Not Accurate" There was an article in todays school newspaper about a student's struggle when his closest friend told him she was bisexual.

The article made me think of my experience when my father told me and my two brothers he was gay. The article talked about all the student had heard about gay people and what he knew about his friend. Because the

From left to right: john, 18 (at Boston College), Daniel, 23, Paul, and Nathan Abbott, 20 (at the University of Pennsylvania).

"A Part of My Life I Thought You Should Know" Every high school student has heard the jokes, however trivial, or the occasional nasty insult. In attending a single-sex school [Roxbury Latin School in Boston] , I am especially aware of homophobia in adolescents. Yet having, and accepting, a gay parent has forced me 'to keep my mind open and allowed me to live with the attitudes of my peers and the other members of society.

My brothers and I first learned about our fathers sexuality several years ago. One evening during a visit, he gathered us around and directly told us. the truth. After telling us, he continued to say, "It is part of my life, so I thought you should know."

Initially a wave of thoughts and questions crashed into my mind. How would it affect my life? What would happen in the future? What would change in our fatherson relationship? Would people know? And how would they react if they knew? After this emotional reaction and puzzlement, I 14

surrounding the issue of homosexuality.

In my everyday life , I began to see how others often treated homosexuality as some sort of distant dark cloud. It often seems that few of my peers have ever met, or been close to, any gay adults, and their image of "gayness" often. seems crafted out of popular stereotypes or inaccurate myths. (My father is a sports fan and does not love the theater.) Having a gay parent has allowed me to see through prejudices, because I know what homosexuality is and what it isn't. I have learned to put aside preconceptions and insecurities.

I do not look upon my fathers sexuality as an unfortunate circumstance. Frankly, it in itself makes little difference to me. But the attitudes and mentality I have gained have made me a stronger person. I distrust stereotypes and my level of tolerance for diversity is higher than the majority of adolescents I know. I have come to regard the experience of having a gay parent as a rewarding and interesting experience.

-Nathan]. Abbott

same type of thought process went on with me, I began to think about a lot of different things.

A few months after my parents separated, my two brothers, my mother, my father, and I all went out to dinner together. With an idyllic childs mind, I was hoping that the imminent announcement was that my parents were going to get back together.

After dinner, all five of us went to my father's house where we had a family meet-. ing. This time, the news, although not bad in itself, ruined the dream that all children of separated parents have. My father announced he was gay. At only nine years old, I had only a basic idea of what homosexuality was, but I knew it ended my hopes of my parents getting back together.

I always thought that I was different: no one else's parents were divorced, no one else had a gay parent, no one else was experiencing the same things that I was. I often felt very alone. I would hear friends of mine use the word "gay" as an insult or as a term for something bad. It would not only make me question my friend, but also my father.

If so many people believe homosexuals are bad, if so many people agree, maybe they are right, maybe my friends are correct in

Voice Male

using the term as an insult. But a closer look at my father and my relationship with him showed otherwise. I realized my friends and other people were speaking or acting out of ignorance. They really did not know anything about what they were talking about. People can never come up with real reasons why they insult gay people or why something is bad if it is classified as gay Having a gay parent has taught me the value and importance of tolerance and respect for all people.

Biases and prejudices run rampant throughout our society It often seems that our culture tries too hard to poke fun at and make light of prejudices, rather than make an effort to end them. Stereotypes are frequently the cause of prejudices; my father's homosexuality has shown me that the stereotypes are usually not accurate. I have met many of my fathers gay friends and not one has fit the typical representation of a homosexual. The lessons I have learned from my father have made it impossible for me to fall under the spells of todays stereotypes, to go through high school "gay bashing" with many classmates, or to refuse to make friends with people who are different.

Many people claim to be anti-gay for moral reasons: that it goes against not only what is natural but what is in the Bible. My father, however, has spent more than twenty years as a social worker helping people.

He has always loved me and my two brothers. He is an excellent representation of the teachings of the Bible. My father typifies what should be natural in human beings-to help and love other people.

The student who wrote the article found that his friend was the same person before and after she told him she was bisexual. It did not matter what labels were attached to her. I went through the same process of discovery with my father. I learned that my father means the same to me whether he is gay or not.

- john Abbott

Fall2000

Support for Straight Spouses Available Discovering and claiming a gay, bisexual, or lesbian sexuality does not only happen to young people. It happens to adults, too. The result often means the straight spouse is caught in the upheaval and eddies. It also means that the straight spouse's nearest support system (the changing spouse) is not available to help. But help does exist through the Straight Spouse Network.

According to Jane Harris, a facilitator from Shelburne Falls, Mass., "The Network helps the [straight] spouse constructively respond to his or her partners new sexual orientation and to consider options for a nontraditional marital relationship. It helps the spouse overcome feelings of rejection, hurt, anger, and grief. The goal is to restore

the spouse's confidence in life and in his or her own future."

Harris, herself the spouse of a gay man, is trained to help in a number of ways. She facilitates confidential support groups for spouses and organizes phone networking.

Support groups meet monthly in West Hartford, Conn., Northampton, Mass., and Keene, N.H. A lending library with articles and literature for straight spouses, and presentations and workshops on issues arising from coming out in a marriage, are also available.

Harris works closely with PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and the Family Pride Coalition.

Harris can be reached at (413) 625-6033.

GBQ Resources

Solidarity Forever:

Moving Beyond "Cultural Competence" By juan Carlos Arean n the last few years there have been many efforts to start healing the wounds that continue to separate and alienate the different races and ethnic groups living in the United States.

"Multiculturalism" and "diversity" have become buzzwords turning up in training titles, conference keynote addresses, organizational program names, and mission statements. Both nonprofit agencies and for-profit corporations are dealing with these issues, either of their own volition or due to outside pressures. More recently, the phrase "cultural competence" has begun showing up. Other terms used occasionally are "cultural knowledge," "cultural awareness," and "cultural sensitivity. " But what do all these words really mean?

Recently I was asked to help lead a cultural competence workshop. In particular, I was supposed to answer the question: What is cultural competence? So I did some research and was surprised to find that the term originated in the field of medicine. It may have appeared for the first time in 1989 in a book called Towards a Culturally Competent System of Care. It is defined as "a set of congruent behaviors, attitudes, and policies that come together in a system, agency, or among professionals and enables that system, agency, or those professionals to work effectively in cross-cultural situations." It is a definite improvement over other "cultural" definitions. Cultural sensitivity is defined in journey Towards Cultural Competency: Lessons L£arned, a 1997 report from the Texas Department of Health, as "knowing that cultural differences as well as similarities exist, without assigning values, i.e., better or worse, right or wrong, to those cultural differences." And Diane L. Adams, editor of the 1995 book Health Issues for Women of Color: A Cultural Diversity Perspective, defines cultural knowledge as "familiarization with selected cultural characteristics, history, values, belief systems and behaviors of the members of another ethnic group," and cultural awareness as "developing sensitivity and understanding of another ethnic group ."

There is nothing inherently wrong with these concepts. Some of what they say is actually very important. We need to know that there are cultures other than ours; we

I

16

should learn to withhold judgment about how these cultures diverge from ours; and, if we want to work in a "multicultural" setting, we ought to make an effort to get to know and understand other cultures.

What bothers me, though, is not what these definitions express, but what they don't.

For example, John Gray has argued that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, and that if only "Martians" and "Venutians" understood each other better, gender problems would be solved. What Gray fails to include in his popular thesis is a recognition that Martians have much more access to power than Venutians and that the latter have for centuries lived in a system of oppression and violence created and sustained by the former.

Such a thesis is actually a very good metaphor. In the John Gray school of thought, European-Americans would be from Jupiter, Asian-Americans from Saturn, African-Americans from Neptune,

Latin-Americans from Uranus, and Native Americans displaced to Pluto. If all of these extraterrestrials learned to understand each other better, it would no doubt lead to the end of the Star Wars series. But what ever happened to the "Evil Empire"?

Have any of these planets tried to systematically dominate and exploit the others?

The answer to the last question seems obvious, and yet all the cultural definitions quoted above fail to mention a central fact : there is no level playing field. For better or worse, just as with gender relations, race and ethnic interactions cannot be understood without a critical analysis of the impact of oppression, privilege, and access to power. And this is where the problem lies.

Some educators, like Roberto Chene of New Mexico, have offered similar criticisms of the use of the words "multicultural" and "diversity." These terms convey the idea of different cultures coming together, but they don't make clear that one of the

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cultures has , over a long period of time, systematically dominated and exploited the others. The Men's Resource Center, where most staff and board members are committed to addressing the issues of racism, has recently been having its own struggle with this nomenclature. Our Multicultural Organizational Development Committee has become an Anti-Racism Committee, in part to give it more focus and clarity and in part because of our recent awareness of the inadequacy of the term "multicultural." But not everybody likes the new name. To some members of the MRC community it seems too negative .

"Why does it have to be anti-something?" they ask. My answer is because we haven't yet found the right affirmative term.

A good attempt at finding an appropriate name has been made by educators Bailey Jackson and Rita Hardiman. They see multiculturalism as a stage in the development of an institution in a continuum that starts with monoculturalism and ends with what they call "anti-racist multiculturalism." It is a little long and a bit awkward, but certainly not ambiguous.

And ambiguity is the problem with the term "cultural competence." When we use it, aren't we sugarcoating the issue, finding ways not to deal with the hard part of the work? I've been at conferences about cross-racial relations where the word "racism" was never mentioned. I've had conversations with educators of color who were afraid to use the "R word" in their presentations because of fear of offending white participants or triggering strong feelings within them. I understand this hesitation. "Racism" has become an incredibly charged word, and white people are afraid of being personally labeled as racist. Other terms that work well include oppression, exploitation, domination, and privilege. And, to be fair, many of my colleagues are avoiding using the word "racism," choosing to use these other terms instead. Some are also incorporating a clear analysis of oppression and privilege when they talk about cultural competence. But not everyone is, as evidenced from the definitions quoted above. And this is a mistake.

I am trying to steer clear of using the term "cultural competence" because it seems to mean different things to different people. Nevertheless, I like the idea of a term that conveys a fresh , positive approach to the issue of cross-cultural relationships and that emphasizes the importance of bridging the gap between the races. So, borrowing from my ancestors, I will propose my own cultural definition: "Cultural Solidarity." It means the comprehension and celebration of the values, cusFall2000

toms, beliefs, and history of a different culture through awareness of ones own. It means empathic understanding of oppression and critical assessment of one's own privilege, resulting in the ability to effectively operate in different cultural contexts.

What do you think? Honk your hom if you like it. I'll be listening.

juan Carlos Arean is director of the Men's Resource Center's Hampden County programs and its support programs. He also leads a weekly group in the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program.

Anger Problem? Discover Fair Fighting Discover Merging

Richard H. Martin, D.Min. Psychotherapist, Couple & Family Therapist Editor: A Manual for Support Group Facilitators (MRC) Co-Director of A Center for Transforming Relationships Free initial consultation â&#x20AC;˘ Sliding Scale available 8 River Drive, Hadley

(413) 584-7770, (413) 253-3353

IS THIS YOU? If you can answer "Yes" to

arry of these questions, you

Do you control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

may have a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, you can learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.

a

Have you ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

MOVE

a

Have you ever verbally threatened her?

a

Have you ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

Serving Hampden, Hal!lpshire & Franklin Counties

a

Have you ever hit or slapped her or the children?

a

Do you tell her it's "her fault" that you behave the way you do?

Amherst: (413) 253-9588 Springfield¡ (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

0

Do you call your wife or girlfriend names?

a

Do you put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

a a

Are you extremely jealous?

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE

A PROGRAM OF THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS

17

Notes from Survivors

-------------------By Steven jacobsen

The Politics of Touch

W

ile it is somewhat misleading o speak generically of a "mens movement"- there is far too much diversity among the various camps of opinion-it is important to consider certain shared imperatives which seem to be sacrosanct across cultural lines. It is especially worthwhile to consider how one such imperative may affect male survivors, in terms of both our personal recovery and our eventual reintegration into the mainstream flow of society In particular, attention needs to be paid to the portion of male society committed to redefining along feminist lines the "role(s)" of men in our culture.

What I'm thinking of is the nearly ubiquitous tendency among many mens groups to encourage, promote, or passively demand both interpersonal hugging and group embraces. While it is easy enough to understand how and why contemporary men have wanted to shift the expression of their brotherhood in more tactile directions (a change stemming, perhaps, both from the feminist movement and from many womens comfort with same-gender touch) , it also presents puzzling questions for the male survivor.

Physical touch for most survivors is, after all, charged with far more significance than it is for the male population at large, and in fact can be an invasive and threatening gesture-especially when the survivor feels compelled to conform to the wishes and rituals of any group with which he is associated.

Since safety is essential to any survivors growth and health, it stands to reason that a good rule is to ensure that any and all physical contact is obtained by permissi9n, and that an agreement to hug is fully reciprocal and nonthreatening.

Sounds simple enough, but its not. It is almost as though participants in the mens ' movement are so eager to prove their evolution away from sexism that they wear their hugs on their chests like Boy Scout badges.

While the inherent intent of freeing 18

men to enjoy ai}d share genuine physical contact with one another is admirableand a significant reversal of many inbred cultural taboos and other such nonsense-many men see that freedom as an indication of an elite, rather than egalitarian, status. The importance and beauty of becoming a New Man carries within its charm the danger of a most immature kind of seduction: I'm better than Old Culture Men, and I can prove it to you by hugging you, whether you want to be hugged or not. Try to imagine what might be the response, should hug-happy New Men begin hugging women in the identical fashion. It wouldn't be pretty. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, almost any woman would inform the overzealous New Man that her body belongs solely to her, thank you very much, and he'd sure better ask permission first next time.

What appears to have sifted through

wisdom and humility We also recognize the richness and honesty of mutuality, where two men, both willing, join arm in arm. Survivors thrive when we work shoulder-to-shoulder; but not in dark rooms, not with the assumption that you can rub shoulders with us any time you please. You can't.

Believe it or not, the phrase you can't is a completely positive statement. And when all men fully understand that, we truly will be new men.

Physical touch for most survivors is, after all, charged with far more significance than it is for the 路 male population at large.

BRIGHT SPOTS

the cracks of some portions of mens movement consciousness is that conferring the right to say no to anything is not at all a negative stance. When a' survivor, or any man or woman for that matter, reclaims his or her undeniable right to say no, in the same breath he or she is lending credence and power to his or her right and capacity to say yes. When we recognize that others possess this crucial power of saying yes or no with equal validity, we also automatically infuse them-and ourselves--with the full respect each deserves.

Nevertheless, it is not always easy.

Why do men (and women) have such difficulties grasping a concept as simple as self-ownership of our bodies? How is it that even men who publicly identify as survivors feel forced into a position of demanding the respect and safety that permission to touch confers? Why can't we just ask for it? Male survivors recognize the threatening quality of nonpermissive touch instinctively and intuitively Our histories have given us at least that much

Steven jacobsen writes about male survivor issues from his home in Southern California.

A CALL FOR ENTRIES

for

2000...

chools have long taught the history of war, not the truths of nonviolence! This is the Year of Education for Nonviolence! The Men's Resource Center joins with Traprock Peace Center and others to stimulate discussion of nonviolence in high schools, colleges, and at a Festival setting through production of public service announcements for peace.

Imagine A NEW version of "BE ALL THAT YOU CAN BE." MRC will name a $100 prize and send judges.

S

For more information call

413 773-7427.

See www.crocker.com/-traprock.

Traprock Peace Center Voice Male

The MRC Presents Thorn Hennan

INTERNAL MEDIATION® Life Beyond Therapy · "Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thorn Herman'is a Certified Practitioner of The Work.

The Work is a simple and radical process that fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts. You These evenings with Tbom begin with whatever is are designed to teach upsetting, angering or you bow to saddening you in the moment. You pui down facilitate your own on paper simply and with"Internal Mediation" process. The evenings are out censorship, all your judgments and beliefs all Interactive and experiential, allowing you about the person or situto dlsrover first band the ation that is apparently causing your suffering. power of this I111Julry.

Then, alone or with a

pee~-facilitator, you do "The Work", anS)Ver a series of questions that reveal the roots of your suffering and gently dissolve their underlying conceptual structure so that you can have some sanity.

These evenings represent an invitation to learn a tool that requires only the self or perhaps a peer support person to implement. This may mean life beyond therapy for many or an enhanced therapy for others.

What can happen if you bring the power of this "Internal Mediation" into your life?

You may enhance your effectiveness in responding to life and the relationships life presents. By addressing your own challenges such as stress, you are free to listen more clearly and respond effectively to others. Furthermore, in learning how to guide yourself in identifying, investigating and restructuring dysfunctional beliefs, judgments and expectations you may tremendously impact your communication

Thorn goes where he is invited and works by donation. For more information about Thorn and Internal Mediation Thorn's web site is ThomHerman.com.

For Information about The Work of Byron Katie you can go to her web site at The Work. com.

For more information Thorn can be contacted at 413-374-1330.

IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW? ·· CLAUDIA's·· . ·.

.

CAFE . .

0 0

·· One East Pleasant St. 0 0

0

0 0

0 0

Does he call his wife or girlfriend names?

Does he put her down and make her feel bad about herself?

Is he extremely jealous?

Does he control what she does, and whom she sees and talks to?

Has he ever made angry or threatening gestures toward her?

Has he ever verbally threatened her?

Has he ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

Has he ever hit or slapped her or the children?

Does he tell her it's "her fault" that he behaves the way he does?

If you can answer "Yes" to a'!} of these questions, your friend or family member may have a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse. At Men ·Overcoming Violence, he can learn t0 change.

Encourage him to call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late.

MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE Serving Hampden, Hampshire & Frankli11 Counties Amherst: (413) 253-9588 Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield· (413) 773-8181 A thol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

APRO,RAMOFTHE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS

Fall2000

19

continued from page 4

Cody Sisson Intuitive Dream Counselor "Throughout history, we haile used our dreams for deciphering the inner wisdom we all inherently hold. With our advancement in technology, this ancient form of communicating with our inner knowledge has been replaced with scientific facts and reasoning when looking for meaning and understanding in our lives. " · Dreamwork is life-changing work as it brings forth inner knowledge illuminating our emotional and spiritual needs~ Awareness of this . knowledge provides insight enabling us to take immediate action to make positive changes in our lives. Along with these changes' comes an extraordinary release of creative energy, and deep healing of our individual, cultural, and collective social liveS. For most of our lives, we work for things that we cannot take with us.

By taking action and making positive changes in our lives, we work for the things we can take with us.

Individual, Couple & Group Counseling

Dreamgroups

Phone Sessions

Greenfield, .MA

Voice Interactive Dreamgroups on the Internet http://www.dragon-heart.com

· 413-498-5950

cody@dragon-heart.com

Workshops & Trainings for your school, group or businesses Supporting Men • Ending Men's Violence • Building Healthy Relationships Fathering • Masculinity in Transition • Challenging Homophobia

0

For fees, to schedule or for more information Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887 Ext. 13 • mrc@valinet.com

. More Voices Needed in Survivors' Column I am a big fan of Voice Male and have read most editions in recent years with pleasure and satisfaction. In most respects it seems to just get better and better, with the unfortunate exception of the Survivors' column. As a sexual abuse survivor myself, I was very appreciative of your including a regular·column dedicated to topics of interest to male sexual abuse survivors. (There is painfully little out there for us!) Though I have appreciated his courageous voice, I find Steven jacobsen$ articles more and more esoteric and of increasingly less help and support to me ·as time goes on. I am appreciate that he may speak well for survivors who identify with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD), but I find he does not speak well to the issues that I, as someone blessed not to suffer from MPD as a result of abuse, have dealt with throughout my healing journey. Having Voice Male to look forward to reading about survivor issues feels s.o vital, and yet it has been disappointing. It would be tremendously helpful to me to hear a wide variety of voices and experiences from fellow survivors of childhood abuse. Though a valuable voice I am sure for some, Steven jacobsen$ perspectives of late have been of little help to me.

Perhaps there could be a special column dedicated to experiences of folks who have MPD authored by Steven jacobsen, and a separate one with varied contributors for other male survivors.

Noah Bradley South Hadley, Mass.

of each month Oct. 29, • Nov. 26, • Dec. 31

The last Sunday

11 a.m. -1 p.m.

The MRC will provides bagels, cream cheese, and coffee.

Pot-luck dishes are welcome.

For Information: 413 253-9887 Paul Entis or Carl Erikson

20

MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER A MALE-POSITVE, PRO-FEMINIST, GAY AFFIRMATIVE ORGANIZATION 236 N. PLEASANT STREET AMHERST

Voice Male

路what is Your Vision of the Future of the Men's Resource Center?

The Mens Resource Center (MRC) is undertaking a strategic planning process.

Please take five minutes to fill out this questionnaire to let us know what you think. Thanks!

The mission of the Men's Resource Center of Western MassachuseHs is to support _men and develop men's leadership in challenging all forms of violence and oppression In our lives, our families, and our communities. ' l.

In your opinion, is the MRC:

Please

2.

In your opinion,

3.

4.

6.

Name some action

We'd like to know more about (All categories are in alphabetical 0 Female 0 Male 0 Transgendered 0 Asian or Pacific Islander Black or of African Descent Latino or Hispanic Native American or Indian 0 White or of European Descent

0 0 0

0 Bisexual 0Gay 0 Heterosexual 0 lesbian

0 0 0 0 0 0

18 to 29 30 to .4 5 46 to 60 61 to 75 76 or older

Annual Household Income: 0 Under $20,000 0 $20,000 to $50,000 0 $50,00 to $100,000 0 Over $100,000

.Relationship to the MRC: 0 Current Program Participant 0 Past Program Participant Which programs?

0 Support Groups 0MOVE . 0 Youth Programs 0 Current Member 0 Past Member 0 Voice Male Reader 0 Other: 0 live in (list c i t y ) - - - - - - -

Return Questionnaire to: Men's Resource Center 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002 Fall2000

21

THANK YOU

Whatâ&#x20AC;˘s your pleasure

EAT, DRINK

BE

iAEIIY

he Mens Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a growing community of support.

Thank you.

T

Office Volunteer Roger Ulmer Computer Support Kirk Peterson

GAY, lESBIAN, BISEXUAl, AND STRAIGHT FRIENDlY

Support Group Facilitators Ken Bernstein, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Philip Fitz, Tim Gordon, Ken Howard, Damien Licata , Gabor Lukacs, Alex MacPhail, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Jim Napolitan, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Gary Stone, Patrick Tangredi, Randy Zucco Donated Space Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton

25 WEST STREET. NORTHAMPTON. MA 413-586-6900

CllllfJI â&#x20AC;˘11111111.11111 II 1/S/1 WWW.GIITTI.CIM

In-Kind Donations Amherst Welding, Henion Bakery, University of Massachusetts As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support .they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

Bullard Farm Bed and Breakfast and Conference Center

978-544-6959 400 acres of woods, fields and rivers prime accessible location

New Salem Men's Retreats Welcome 22

Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group- 7- 9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St. , Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors of Childhood Abuse - Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse. Call the MRC (413) 253-9887, for details. · Gay, Bisexual, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation. · GBQ Brunch- Last Sunday of the month, 10 AMNoon at the MRC.

· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available. · Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available- lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures. · YOUTH PROGRAMS · Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM).

Youth Dialogue Project: College men trained to lead workshops for high school and middle school students on violence prevention, positive masculinity, and healthy relationships.

Youth Overcoming Violence (Youth MOVE): A violence prevention group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others.

PUBLICATIONS · Voice Male: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity · Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. · Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield. · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the·Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.

Interested In A Men's Resource Center Speaker?

A Workshop or Training?

Contact Carl Erikson at (413) 253-9887 mrc@valinet.com

Subscribe Now! I I

y Es '·

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Subscribe to Voice Male and keep informed about the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and news of changing men. With your subscription comes news of the MRC, which includes mailings of MRC events and, of course, Voice Male.

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Fall2000

Please consider one of these special contributions Mail to: MRC 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, Mass. 01002

23

RESOURCES Internet Resources

HIV Tasting Hotline (800) 75Q-2016

Men's Resources in the Valley & Beyond The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and .role models to boys who need a caring adult friend. To . learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591 .

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services.

Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a piay therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress.

East Coast Female-to-Mala (FTM) Group, a free peer support group, meets in Northampton, MA on the second Sunday of every month from 3:00 to 6:00 PM. All FTMs and allies welcome. For more information and directions to the meetings, call Bet Power at (413) 584-7616. To receive a list of meeting dates and discussion topics, write to ECFTMG, P.O. Box 60585, Florence, MA 01062.

Interfaith Community Cot Shatter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals -123 Hawley St., Northampton.

Doors open at 6 PM .

Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Counseling for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. www.valinet.com/-lifecour Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

Straight spouses of gay/lesblan!bl partners: supc port group meets monthly in Greenfield, MA, area. For more information, contact Jane Harris at (413) 625-6033 or email aharrjs@valinet com.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry(413) 584-6599.

The Men's Issues Page: www.vlx.com/pub/men/lndex.html '

Monadnock Gay Men: http://members.aol.com/monadgay/index.html or email monadgay@aol.com I

100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.femlnlst.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkln/profem. html ·

Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet

Deep tissue, sports, structural body work and relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock

The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org

Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): www.steJonda.demon.co.uk/achllles/lssues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http :1/coombs. anu .ed u.au/-gorkln/XYtxylntro. htm

413.587.4334 Very Reasonable Rates

National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org

The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc

Konza Massage

A.M.T.A Member

Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com

Nationally Certified

Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html

Aeadv to Change Your Life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychothefllpy for:

Couples - Families Individuals

413-586-7454

Reed Schimmelfing MSW. LICSW Offices In Northampton

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed,D. liCENSED CliNICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse

The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/lntro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocltles.com/CapltaiHIII/1139/qultporn. html

Volunteers Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Planned Parenthood of Western MA (413( 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, promote safe sex practices, and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Hey, that's us! Office work, reception, special projects. more.

25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON,'MA 01060 TEL: 413-586-0515 • Fax: 413-584-8903 • EMAIL: PATSAM®JAVANET.COM

24

Voice Male

THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER ANNUAL CHALLENGE &CHANGE 5TH

RESOURCES William P. Ryan, Ph.D. Psychologist Office in Shelburne Falls, Mass.

Affordable Rates

( 413) 625-2828

AWARDS DINNER

David M. Wolgin, Ph.D

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 30, 2000

Licensed Psychologist

6:30P.M.- 9 P.M. . HOTEL NORTHAMPTON .

Offering individual and group psychotherapy services for adults dealing with mood disorders, anxiety disorders, relationship Issues, stress management problems, and gay/lesbian related issues.

REGULAR TICKETS $30 CURRENT MRC SUPPORTERS $25

356 Montague City Road Turners Falls, MA 01376 (413) 863-9959

Thom Levy, M. Ed., LMHC Licensed Mental Health Counselor

THIS YEAR'S AWARD WINNERS:

, Psychotherapy for Individuals and Couples • EMDR for Overcoming Traumas, Phobias and Performance Anxieties . • Stress Reduction Training

·Amherst, MA • tel and fax 413-549-2901 • hpandtl@crocker.com

BAILEY JACKSON LUIS MELENDEZ STEPHAN THEBERGE To become an event patron, corporate sponsor, order blocks of tickets, or for more information, contact Paul En tis at (413) 253-9887, Ext. 15 Fall2000

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in·Amherst

256-0772

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.C A·L ENDAR September 22 Springfield, Massachusetts Working with Sexual Offenders and Abusers: Understanding Denial from Both the Perpetrator's and Victim's Perspective Sponsored by the Social Work Advisory Council of the Center for Professional Development of Western New England College. Purpose: to learn the dynamics of denial, the effect of offenders' and abusers' denial on their victims, and the stages of group treatment. Workshop led by Patricia G. Cutler, M.Ed. CEUs available. $75-$85. At Western New England College. Information: Tel. (413) 782-1473; Fax (413) 796-2073; chansen@wnec.edu; Center for Professional ' Development, Western New England College, 1215 Wilbraham Road, Springfield, MA 01119.

September 22-24 Chester, Connecticut Living as Passionate Men Sponsored by Connecticut Mens Gathering (COMEGA). Purpose: for participants to explore who they are, how they feel, and how they relate to one another in the light of old and new views of masculinity.

Workshops on anger and regression, fear and desire, relationships and nurturing. For men and, optionally; their sons. Sliding scale: $100-$140, including lodging and meals.

Partial sc~olarships available. At YMCA Camp Hazen. Information: Ken johnson at (860) 633-7676 and ateamjohnson@mciworld.com; also P.O. Box 1235, Hanford, CT 06143-1235; www.comega.org.

September 23-27 San Diego, California Working Together to End Abuse: Advocacy, Assessment, Intervention, Research, Prevention, and Policy · sth International Conference on Family Violence. Sponsored by agencies of US Government and State of California and others. Hosted by the Family Violence and Sexual Assault Institute and others. Purposes: to promote healthy; non-abusive families, and relationships, including multi-ethnic and 'multi-racial ones; to share multidisciplinary and international perspectives; and to promote policy changes. For survivors and professionals in psychology; social work, medicine, law; and education. Continuing · Education credits and partial scholarships available. $90-$350 + Room and Meals. At the Town &: Country Hotel &: Resort.

Information: Tel. (858) 623-2777 Ext. 427; Fax (858) 646•0761; . jmarciano@mail.cspp.edu.; FVSAI at CSPP SD, Attn.: Jae Marciano, 6160 Cornerstone Court East, San Diego, CA 92121 ; wwwfvsai.org.

26

October 5-7 Kissimmee, Flprida , Sexual Assault and Harassment on Campus: lOth International Conference Sponsored by Safe Schools Coalition, Inc. (SAC) and others. Purpose: to reduce sexual assault and harassment, meet the needs of survivors, and consider policy; enforcement, legal, judicial, and community concerns. For individuals, campus organizations, and community institutions. Cost: Students, $100-$140; Others, $285-$320; plus meals and lodging. At the Hyatt Orlando Hotel, 6375 West Irlo Bronson Memorial Highway.

Information: Tel. 800-537-4903; Fax (941) 778-6818; Safe Schools Coalition Sexual Assault and Harassment Conference, P.O. Box 1338, Holmes Beach, FL 34218-1338.

October 7-8 Deerfield, MA Creating Peaceful Relationships: A Workshop with Bill Moyer Offers theory and practice for escaping the roles of victim, persecutor, and rescuer p~o­ moted in a dominator culture. Use vision, intention, skills and practice to prepare for trigger events that sound alarms throughout an ordinary day. Useful at home, at work, or to make movements friendly; safe, trusting and fulfilling places to be. Sliding scale is $75-225. Last summers class filled rapidly.

To register, send a deposit of $50 to Traprock Peace Center, 103A Keets Road, Deerfield, MA 01342. For more information, call (413) 773-7427.

October 11, 7p.rn. -9p.m.

What's Your Vision of the Future of the MRC? An open meeting to learn your ideas about the future direction of the Men's Resource Center. (Can't attend? Fill out questionnaire on page 21) . Amherst Unitarian Society; 121 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, Mass. For more information call (413) 253-9887.

October 11-13, 7:30 a.m.-5:00p.m. daily !).1inneapolis, Minnesota Also November 27-29, Olympia, Washington; December 6-8, Washington, D.C. fatherhood Development: A Curriculum for Young Fathers Sponsored by'the National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL). Workshops to prepare practitioners to use the Curriculum with both young and older fathers in peer support groups. Purpose of the Curriculum: to provide fathers with support, information, and motivation for parenthood, relationships, sexuality; and responsible manhood. 25 streetwise group ·discussions. $4 25 + Room &: Board. Information: Tel. (202) 822-6725; Fax (202) 822-5699; nvann@npcl.org; Nigel Vann, Director of

Partnership Development, National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL), 2000 L Street, NW, Suite 815, Washington, DC 20036.

October 14 Newport, New Hampshire Living with the Enemy Sponsored by.Women's Supportive Services of Claremont, New Hampshire. Donna Ferrato's slide presentation of her published photographs of domestic abuse, followed by discussion and acappella performance by the femme m'amie group. Open to men. $15 Balcony&: $18 Cafe in advance by Ma,sterCard or Visa; $20 at door. At the Newport Opera House, Newport, NH. Information&: reservation: (603) 543-0155, Kelly.

October 18, 7:00-8:30 p.m. or October 19, 7:30-8:30 a.m.

Amherst, Massachusetts Violence Prevention Kickoff Sponsored by the Amherst Regional Middle School (ARMS) . Workshop to help parents learn strategies for dealing with teasing, bullYing, intimidation, harassment, verbal humiliation, exclusion, and violence, and for improving the social climate among children.

Keynote speaker: Many Langelan, Adjunct Professor, Department of Justice, Law; and Society; at American University; who will be working with the school staff and students this fall. Free. At ARMS. Information: (413) 549-9880.

October 18-20, 7:30 a.m.-5:00 p.m. daily Chicago, Illinois Fatherhood Development: A Curriculum for Young Fathers As for October 11-13 above but specifically for Head Stan staff.

October 18-22 Boulder, Colorado Also: November 1-5, Boston, Massachusetts; December 5-10, Santa Fe, New Mexico Reconciliation &: Communion: Fostering Transformational Healing between · Women and Men Sponsored by Shavano Institute of Boulder, Colorado. Facilitated by Diane Haug, Ann Yeomans, and others. Purpose: to change gender imbalance and cultivate intimacy beyond sex and romance. Combines the wisdom of men's and women's movements. For singles, couples, gay; straight, bisexual, and transgender. $575. Information: (720) 8900336; gender@shavano.org; PO Box 17904, Boulder, CO 80308; www.shavano.org.

Voice Male

October 20-22

November 1-5

November 15-17, 7:30 a.m.-5:00p.m. daily

Pottstown, Pennsylvania Changing a Culture: Peace between Men and Women Sponsored by Mens International Peace Exchange. Purpose: to share what is being done to reduce the polarization between men and women. For women and men. At Fellowship Farm. Information: mipeOO@aoJ.com; PO Box 36, Swarthmore, PA 19081-0036.

Boston, Massachusetts Reconciliation and Communion: Fostering Transformational Healing between Women and Men. (See above, October 18-22.)

Atlanta, Georgia Fatherhood Development: A Curriculum for Young Fathers As for October 11-13 above but specifically for Head Start staff.

October 27-29 Pottstown, Pennsylvania Building a Community of Support Third Annual International Conference sponsored by The Men's International Peace Exchange. Purpose: to help change men's cultural roles from violent to peaceful ones, and to help men and women work, relate, and build community together. Presentations and discussions. For women and men. Social work CEUs available. $297-$347, including meals and lodging. At Fellowship Farm.

Information: mipeOO@aol.com; PO Box 36, Swarthmore, PA 19081-0036.

November 2, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts Let's Get Organized Presented by Family TIES, Department of Public Health. First of a series of three workshops, NEXT STEPS. For families of children with special needs, aged four to twelve.

Parents are asked to commit themselves to attending all three workshops because the later ones build on the one or two before.

Purpose of this first one: to learn skills in how to get organized: papers, reports, appointments, and in general. Free. At Department of Public Health, 23 Service Center. Information: Call Eneida at ( 413) 586-7525 or see or write to Eneida Gart:ia, Family TIES, Department of Public Health, Western Regional Office, 23 Service Center, Northampton, MA 01060.

November 17-19 Deerfield, MA New England Gathering of War Tax Resisters, Refusers, and Those Considering Resistance Conference Center at Woolman Hill in Deerfield MA, just off Routes 5 & 10. To register or for information contact Melinda Nielsen, 24 Clark Ave. Northampton, MA. (413) 584-5608.

November 18 D1;5 Plaines, Illinois

5th Annual At-Home Dads Convention For men who serve as their children's primary caregivers. Guest speakers, dialogue, networking, and learning focussed on fathering.

Open to women. Information:

athomedads@aol.com.

November 9, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

October 27-29 San Rafael, California The Best Is Yet to Come: Menopause & Male Menopause First Annual international Conference on Health Issues for Men and Women. Presented

by MenAlive and The American Society on Aging. Speakers: jed Diamond (author of Male Menopause and Surviving Male Menopause) , Dr. Malcolm Carruthers (author of Maximizing Manhood: Beating the Male Menopause) , and other physicians and professionals. Fees: $100--$365. At the Embassy Suites, 101 Mcinnis Parkway. Information: Nancy Ellis-Bell at (707) 459-4152 and nellis@mcn.org; also www.menalive.com/ficonfhtm. Register with Nancy Ellis-Bell: Fax (707) 459-6718; P.O. Box 1564, Willits, CA 95490.

Northampton, Massachusetts Parents, You're the Experts Second of a series of three workshops, NEXT STEPS. (See above, November 2.) Purpose of this workshop: to learn skills in how to be your children's advocate and support.

November 16, 7:00-9:00 p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts Building a Community Third of a series of three workshops, NEXT STEPS. (See above, November 2.) Purpose of this workshop: to learn skills in how to become part of your community and how the laws can help you.

December 7, 2000, and February 7, 2001 Amherst, Massachusetts Violence Prevention Sponsored by the Amherst Regional Middle School (ARMS). Parent workshop to follow up on the Violence Prevention Kickoff workshops held on October 18 and 19. (See above.)

March 23-25, 2001 Albuquerque, New Mexico Cultural and Spiritual Traditions: The Evolution of Men's Studies 9th Annual Conference of the American Men's Studies Association. At Holiday Inn Mountain View. Information: Sam Femiano, patsam@javanet.com; 22 East Street, Northampton, MA 01060.

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October 25-28, 2001

DO YOU WANT TO BECOME AN MRC SUPPORT GROUPS FACIUTATOR?

New York, New York Healing Sexual Victimization of Boys ~Men 9t International Conference of the National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV). For survivors, professionals, and women too. Scholarships available. At john jay College of Criminal justice. Information:

www.malesurvivor.org/200112001.html.

Join us for our free annual training!

Sunday afternoons November 2000 - January 2001 For more information and to register, call Juan Carlos Are an at

(413) 253-9887 l Fall2000

Please send your calendar listings for our next issue with events from December 1, 2000, to March 31, 2001-and beyond for events calling for arrangements well in advance. Please address the listings to the attention of Voice MalÂŁ Calendar at mrt:ÂŽvalinet.com, Fax (413) 253-4801, or Mens Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002. The deadline for listings in the Wmter issue is

October 30, 2000.

27

What is your vision of the future of the

MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER?

Your Voice Counts!

Please join us for a

Strategic Planning Meeting Wednesday, October 11, 7-9 pm Facilitated by Steven Botkin, Executive Director, Men's Resource Center and Kristi Nelson, Executive Director, Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts

Amherst Unitarian Society 121 No. Pleasant St., Amherst We want to hear from everyone.

All men and women are ihvited.

If you cannot attend this meeting, and want to be included in our strategic planning, - please fill out the questionnaire on page 21 or contact Steven Botkin for more information about other ways to be involved:

(413) 153-9887 EXT.l1 Printed on Recycled Paper