A Picnic at Fenway Park And a New Red Sox Voice Speaks Out Against Domestic. Violence
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Features Gay Ma rri age : Histo ri c Mo ments , Flawed .... . . 7
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By Michael Dover
By Rob Okun isa Kapler knew she had to act. The wife carriage across the warning track in center of Boston Red Sox player Gabe Kapler field. These men are heroes on the field, yet like many of us , they are also fathers ," men , decided to go public with the abuse regular people with lives and families, sh e suffered at the hands of a controlling boyfriend-before she met her husbandtriumphs and struggles . . But watching fans line up to collect the so younger women might learn the warning players ' autographs , I was reminded of the signs of abuse and avoid going through what special status and responsibility athletes have she went through for three years when she in society and how their lives, on and off the was in high schooL field , take place under a particularly glaring The Red Sox wives, who work as a group on spotlight. From 0 .]. Simpson to Kobe Bryant, a range of social concerns , were organizing, from domestic violence to sexual assault, with the Red Sox Foundation, a "Picnic in the the conduct of our sports h eroes is always Park" in late June to support the work of]ane Doe, Inc., the Massachusetts coalition working , under scrutiny. It's a price pro athletes pay to prevent sexual assault and domestic for being held in such high esteem. violence. When a representative from Jane A,t a reception before the picnic; , after the players had answered questions about the Doe met with the women in the Family Room . at Fenway Park to describe the coalition's game, Gabe Kapler and Lisa Kapler spoke. He said men have a responsibility to say no to work and the victims of abuse it served, Lisa did more than listen. In a quiet voice Lisa domestic violence, and she said she was srunned the roomful of Sox wives by announcing telling her story so other women , including she had been a victim of abuse . From 14 to teenagers in abusive dating relationships, would 17 , the now 28-year-old mother of two had know what to look for and know how to escape. been choked, punched , and kicked by a Despite the grim statistics about domestic boyfriend who tried to control her every violence and sexual assault, despite the Kobe Bryant rape trial and shocking revelations move , who bruised not just her body but her spirit. of sexual misconduct allegations leveled at ' University of Colorado foo tball players, there are signs of hope. The Red Sox Foundation, the players' wives, and Jane Doe-a shining light in the struggle against sexual assault and domestic violence for 30 years-coming together is one such sign. Lisa Kapler speaking out-11 years after she escaped the abuseis another. Seven years ago in these pages I recounted a Red Sox game I'd brought my then-nineyear-old son, Jonah, to watch. The game was marked by fans booing Sox outfielder Wil Cordero when he first came to bat. Cordero had recently been arrested on a charge of domestic assault and battery-for smashing Eleven years later she was ready to talk. a telephone into his wife's forehead. "Why Lisa knew the fund-raiser for Jane Doe , are they booing him , Dad?" my son innofeaturing a group picnic in the outfield of historic Fenway Park and attended by cently asked. As a parent, I saw the question as a many members of the Red Sox team, would teachable moment : a inoment that brought attract a lot of publicity. She knew this was together my role as a father and as the thenthe moment to tell her story, so she granted associate director of MRC. l to ld Jonah an interview to a Boston Globe reporter. But about the work the MRC's Men Overcoming she wasn' t acting alone. Husband Gabe, a Violence program was doing. I told him about speedy outfielder, encouraged her to share her experience. the group I led, helping men to learn not to act abusively. I told him that the Red Sox were The "Picnic in the Park" happened to fall on my birthday, and my wife and I decided going to make Cordero go to counseling. My answer satisfied him; but I was distracted. The to make a day of it, first watching the Sox escape I'd sought at the ballpark had been rout the Phillies and then staying on for intemrpted by the reality of domestic violence. the reception and picnic afterward . It was a magical day, one in which New England's It is seven years later, and Lisa and Gabe most beloved professional sports team Kapler, the Boston Red Sox and Jane Doe are appeared more like a family than a business. part of the commi,tment a growing number There were great snapshots to remember. of people and institutions across the country and around the world are making to prevent Watching star pitcher Curt Schilling holding such abuse. For the sake of our children, the baseball on the mound one moment, and we have to work for a world where innocent later, as a dad in street clothes, holding one nine-year-olds don't have to ask, "Wh y is of his children . Or Tim Wakefield, another pitcher, pushing his new son in a baby everyone booing, Dad?"
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A Father and Son's Baghdad Dialogue . .......... 8 By Bill Patten "Yes, I Am Afraid ": Healing Emotim~ally After ....... 10 Testicular Cancer
By Brian Pahl Conscious Communication for Men . .
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By Karen Fogliatti
Columns &Opinion From the Editor
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Co-Directors ' Voice . Mail Bonding
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Men @ Work . Color Lines . . ......... . Liberal Utopia ... Not Yet By Lahmar Louis
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.15 Voices of Yo uth . Wanted : Young White Guy to Change the World By Ian Trefethen Fathering . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. 16 Is There a Fathe~ in the House?
By Rob Okun Men &: Health .. . . ..... 17 Why Not to Come Tonight : Ejaculation Conrrol By Haji Shearer OutLines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . The Bridge to Manhood
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By Michael Bronski GBQ Resources ... . . . ......... . .... ... ... 19 Notes from Survivors . . . . . . . . . . . . Finding the Child Within By Mike Lew
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Film Review . . ... ..... . .. . . . ..... .. . . . . .21 Stealth Men's Movies: Last Orders and Wh ale Rider
By Michael Dover Men in Divorce ... The Hean and Soul of Divorce
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By Ca rl Erikson Resources . Thank You
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Calendar .... . . .. .. . . .. ..... . .. . . . . . .... 26 MRC Programs &: Services ....... 27 On the Cove r: Sam Patten, the article author's so11, with two Iraqi security men and, at left, an unidentified American in Baghdad.
VOICE-MALE is published quarterly by the Men's · · Weftem :~sachusetts, mailed to 'los a •ana a~mvuted at seli~i locations throughout western Massachusetts, sout'hem Vermont and southern New Hampshire. ~-
,;,'(hem~o~ oLJ!te Men's ~urj:e CenterpfWestern t?~assachuset~~ w support men, challenge tiia{s violence
and develop' ~e'n·s leadership in endillg oppressiOil in our lives, ourfamilies and our communities,
Yes to Men, No to War Administrative Staff Co-Directors - Rob Okun, Michael Dover Director of Operations -路Carl Erikson Men Overcoming Violence Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin Clinical Supervisor - Sara E/inoff Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel Partner Services Coordinator - Jan Eidelson Franklin County Coordinator - Joy Kaubin Hampden County Coordinator - Scott Girard Group Leaders -Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel Support Programs Director - Allan Arnaboldi Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi, Timothy Blake, Michael Burke, Andy Dennison, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover, Darren Engstrom, Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Ken Howard, Shawn Johnson, Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Jim Napolitan, Rob Parfet, Nelson Pinette, Tom Schuyt, Sheldon Snodgrass, Roger Stawasz, Bob Sternberg, Les Wright Youth Programs Consultant - Julius Ford Group Leaders - James Arana, Edgar Cancel, Julius Ford Voice Male Magazine Editor - Rob Okun Managing Editor - Michael Burke Designer - m. rajas design
Board of Directors Chair - Peter Jessop VIce Chair - Thom Herman Clerk/Treasurer - Charles Bodhi Members - Jenny Daniell, Lisa Freitag-Keshet, Tom Gardner, Nancy Girard, Yoko Kato , Mathew Ouellet, Sudhakar Vamathevan
Executive Director Emeritus- Steven Botkin Editor's Note Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views ' of all staff, board, ar members of the MRC. We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot beresponsible for their loss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Male, 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002; e-mail queries and articles to voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org. Advertising For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising at (413) 253-9887, Ext. 20.
Men's Resource Center voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org
By Michae l Dover and Rob Okun
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t's been more than a year since the invasion of Iraq. Committed as the Men's Resource Center is to challenging men's violence and developing men's leadership to end oppression, the MRC last year joined the chorus of protest attempting to stop the juggernaut that has to date killed more than 10,000 Iraqis and more than 800 American members of the armed services. Our full-page signature ad in the Northampton, Mass., daily newspaper carried the names of hundreds of men who joined us in saying no to war. A year later, we feel no different about the war: we believed it was wrong then and subsequent events have only strengthened our belief. No weapons of mass destruction. No links to Al Qaeda. No imminent threat to the United States or any of our allies. No breakthrough in the IsraelVPalestinian conflict. We believed the war would not rriake the world safer but more dangerous, and sadly that has come to pass . Even most of us opposed to the war were unprepared for the revelations of torture and degradation that came out of Abu Ghraib Prison, but we weren't completely surprised either: we know that war itself degrades those engaged in. Waging it. That revelations have since come to light suggesting international codes of conduct and the Geneva Convention apparently don't apply to the White House of George Bush has only deepened the anger and sadness of Americans of conscience around the country. Since September 11 , 200 l, the men in leadership positions in our country right nowMr. Bush , Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld , and john Ashcroft, to name four-have stained the reputation of the United States with an indelibl11 marker of hypocrisy and arrogance , made all the worse by a blind ambition toward global domination. The cost of their plan has been growing not only by millions and billions of dollars , but also by pints and pints of blood shed by thou.s ands of Iraqi women, children and men, and hundreds of U.S. military and U.S. "consultants" who have paid the ultimate price for the Administration's abrogation of the truth. While we continue our work of challenging violence, we also are committed to supporting men-not necessarily their actions or choices, but supporting them in their humanity. Accordingly, we joined a group of community organizations here in our home community of Amherst, Mass., to welcome home veterans of the Iraq war, even as we disagreed profoundly with the policies that took them to war. We cannot accept the reasons for their sacrifice, but we feel we .must acknowledge and respect the men and women who have taken on this terrible responsibility. It can feel hard to reconcile these two viewpoints . But it helps to hear real stories about real people who are part of this war and to be reminded that they are just like everybody else, trying to do the best they can.
Recently, a story aired about a young m~n graduating from high school in Killeen, Texas, thrilled to know that his stepfather would be watching the ceremony from Iraq through a special video hookup . A picture emerged of this soldier, who had married the young man's mother and became a role model for her children. This was no mach~ military modeljust a guy doing all he can to support these young people in growing up and becoming who they want to be . It could as easily have been about any other good father or uncle or big brother who didn' t wear a unifo rm. The fact that he was in uniform and unable to be at his stepson's graduation in pers on made the point that sacrifice happens in many ways . This was a man to be honored. 'Being reminded of the essential goodness of these soldiers and sailors and marines doesn't diminish our opposition to th e war. It heightens our grief every day we hear of another of their comrades dying in a roadside bomb attack or gun battle. As Ted Ko ppel's reading of the war dead on Nightline illustrated, war is not just an "ins trum ent of foreign policy," it is comfortable politicians playing dice with real people's lives. Hearing the stories of some of those who fell tells us the real cost of this folly: lives lost, families forever changed, communities in mourning. For those of us who stood against this war, the question burns: Why- for whose purposedid these people die? Coming to kn ow the shared humanity of our brothers and sisters in arms , we also come to understand more deeply why we oppose sending them into harm 's way without overwhelming reason to do so. We hate the war precisely because we love the warrior. The Men's Resource Center is here to support men in becoming more fully human. We deeply beli eve this means rejec ti ng violence in all its fo rms, including an d especially war. But jus t as we say of the participants in our Men Overcoming Violence program, Accept the man-nject the behavior, we can say to our country, Support our troopsbring them home!
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Prostate Cancer Preventatives
MAIL BONDING
We Want to Hear from You! +Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to:
Vo i<:E MALE MRC 236 North Pleasanr St. Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX (413) 253-'4801
'1;foicemale @mens resourcecenter.org ,,;,Pleaseincl,ude address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length:
Deadline for the Fall 2004 Issue is September
lp, 2004. .
Video Helpful to College Men The video The jou.rney to Healthy Manhood is a wondetful testameiu w the work that the Men's Resource Center and Voice Male are doing! I look forward to showing it to the students who are part of a new men's group, A Men's Issue (AMl) on campus here. I think the video can show the students in AMI that activism is something that can extend way beyond one 's college years. Standing on principle and living in congruence with one's beliefs and values is a. lifelong process. I th ink seeing all that you do will give these students a larger perspective with which to view their commitment to this work.
jill Sneider Sexual Health Coordinator R.A.PE. CENTER Syracuse University Syracuse, N. Y
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quality of life for men and their partners by promoting the medical value of prostate massage. Readers can visit our websites to read more about our company and our products: www.highisland.com (fo cuses on BPH and prostatitis); www.aneros.com (focu ses on improvement of sexual functions). Thank you.
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Many Masculinities I started looking at the spring issue of your magazine, and I think it's grear. I especially appreciate that so many kinds of masculinities are represented by the articles and the contributors th emselves. I can't recall exactly where I first saw a copy of Voice Male, but it might have been at Women Helping Battered Women here in Burlington . Thanks again.
Clark Sheldon SafeS pace Burlington, Vt. www.safespacevt.org
Men's Center Stirrings in Providence, R.I. I am in the process o(creating a men's center based on the model the Men's Resource Center of Western Mass. pioneered 22 years ago. Right now I am developing brochures , necyorking and finding ways to get the word out. One idea I think might be beneficial for both the MRC and the new Men's Resources in Providence is if we could distribute your magazine, Voice Male, in and around the Providence area ... Please send me bundles ! Interested in learning more? Contact me at lboser@mensresotlrces.org, (401) 861-1113 . Lewie Bosler Men's Resources Providence, R.I.
the e-Train
.;vhar?·You mean to ?ay you're not ·already getting the Men's Resource h Center eNewsletter? Okay, don't feel bad; not everyone's gotten the word . yet. But don't be the last on your ' listserv. After all, it's free, informative and monthly. The eNewsletter gives you the latest-breaking news of the 1 kMRC, updates on events, and timesensitive information that doesn't make it into the pages of Voice Male.
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After reading the recent article by Danny Dover about alternative treatment for prostate cancer ("There Had w Be a Better Way," Voice Male Spring 2004), I felt that I should submit this information to your readers, as our company is also a resource recommended by Larry Clapp in his book, Prostate Health in 90 Days . Although our product is not necessarily recommended for prostate cancer, it is a valuable tool for preventative maintenance, and for treating· other prostate health issues. High Island Health is an alternative healthcare company that manufactures and markets prostate massage products. Our device is a unique product patented as a medical-grade internal pressure applicator. The Pro-State prostate massager, as it is known, has been designed using modern anatomical medical knowledge combined with ancient Oriental knowledge of acupressure massage. The Pro-State prostate massager simultaneously applies pressure to the prostate gland, the interior wall of the rectum, and the perineum acupressure spot, which corresponds to the nerves largely reSponsible for the transmission of sensation throughout the urogenital area. The device is simple, effective, and uses the individual's own muscular contractions of the sphincter to achieve results. The benefits of this means of massage are many. Not only is it a healthy and healing practice, but it can also lead to drastic improvement in urological functioning and better sexual health. The product was initially marketed for use by those suffering from BPH (enlarged prostate) , and ch ronic, non-bacterial prostatitis, however, many users have enthusiastically reported increased and enhanced sexual pleasures and faculties. Although it is in this area of male sexuality that our products have become most successful and popular, we remain dedicated to improving the health and
To subscribe, just e-mail eNewsletter editor Michael Dover:
mdover@mensreso urcecenter: org
October 6-9 • Springfield to Greenfield, Mass. Join-or support-the MEN'S RESOURCE CEN"FER'S SECOND ANNUAL WALK AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Call (413) 253-9887 Ext. 33 mdover@mensresourc,ecenter.org
Boys Grow into Men Through Rite of Passage Program A rite of passage program piloted for Beckett, and OmarOrtiz-to their Sptingfield, Mass., inner-city high school community," Evans said. "The students, an·d officially endorsed by tile eel ·on provided · family, mayor of the city, may be J?art of a new ·· cotnmunity)eadnational trend to support young peopl ty to witness on the journey to healthy adulthood. "What ng ' men crossing young men and young women are hun.inu hood." • ~'-'-------gering for is to be acknowledged-to be ' 'ti Akro:yingnumber of youth acknowledged for who they are and supmento.rs suggest helJ?ing young ported as they develop in to mature men men becOme productive members and women," said Julius 'Ford, a youth of their communities can be L.:.:.:...:.:.:.:.:...::...:.::..:..:.=-=..:.:.=_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ ___,,.----.,....J programs consultant for the Men's Resource bolst~ted by rituals acknowledging such Center and the FAMILY-For All Men cross· · .cThe Rites of Passage program utilized Interested in the Uves ofYouth-a Springfieldr aba seven principles developed based coalition SUJ?porting young men . . Maluena Karenga, the creator and in particular male ·rual provides a culrural . component to rebuj\ Ford and program facilitaw r Rf!ginaEvans coordtnaror of Earn and t:eair+, a t,:ltoring as.izi'!lg :unity, self-df:!t~p-';+:.;spcially, politica~y,_ap. and drug prevention program at Nprthem tive work, responsibility, · The FAMILY progra omics , creativity, purpose by the Men's Resource Educational Servicesin Springfield, de;vised a 10-week program for 25 youngmeh and,. he principles offer a fouri'dation Massachusetts, the C women ages 15 to 19 that culminated in ~ Cl:ltS ouglp tereotypes and isms, fosters Development, North . the late June rite of passage ceremony and·· leadership'' qualities, and builds charac;ter," Services,, Mr. Hubert Sa ,' the Harrier that highligh ted five young men who had Evans saiq. . Project, an~ th e, Commu~ity Anti-Drug just graduated from ,high school. The w~eklfsessions Ford and Evans facilitated Coalition of Hampden County. For more "The ceremony was designed ro officially the power of working together , information, contact Regina cv{lns at: tnrroduce the young men-Early Crenshaw, commonality within all hull)an(413) 787-2101 , Ext. 114 qrregiraevans53 Darrick Miller- Hall, Charles Evans, Larry is at a cross-roads regarding @hotmail.com. · · •
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Kentuckv Men Cooking for Battered Women
MRC Founder Blazes New Trail Steven Botkin, founding executive director of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, ~ has crea t ed a new ~ 0 organization, the Men's -€> Resource Center Coalition. ..:!. While on sabbatical © L - - - - - - --' since last September from the organization he fou nded in 1982, Steven realized he wanted to extend the Of the rich panoply of stories that emerged already sizeable reach of the MRC model. from the March for Women's Lives on April Since 1998, when the MRC first provided 25-the largest march on Washington evertraining for the now vibrant Men's Resource Center of Northern New Mexico, the organone story that went underreported was the number of men who participated. Estimates ization has helped fledgltng MRCs take flight that a quan.er of the million marchers were in New Hampshire, central Massachusetts, male are inspiring and mark a sign of hope Maine, and central and south Texas. Steven's vision is to provide coordination and techfor the growing collaboration berween men n ical and financial support for existing and women-and th e organizations that regional men's centers and to help support represent them-'-to foster enduring social the conditions for new ones. change and to enrich th e lives of women Happily, Steven's new role will keep him and men , girls and boys. working closely with the MRC of Wes tern And Voice Male was there, among the legions Massachusetts. "Steven's leadership and vision marching. VM editor (and MRC co-director) have been immeasurab ly valuable to the MRC Rob Okun, traveling with a bevy ofcollege staff, board, volunteers and the community students (including his c;laughter, Aviva) , was buoyed by the numbe r of young people, over the course of his two decades of magnificent service," said MRC board chair Peter most born after Roe v. Wade. "The level of Jessop. ln April the MRC Board of Directors commitment to protecting women's rightsand the appreciation for the number of male appo inted longtime associate direc tor Rob Okun and former board chair Michael Dover allies of all ages who were present-was a as co- executive directors through june 2005, highlight for me," Okun said. "The message while p lanning for permanent leadership was clear. As the chant that could be heard goes forward . from the Capitol to the Washtngton Monument For more on the MRC Coalition go to put it, the march was indeed 'what democracy www. mrccoalition.org. looks like."'
What Democracy_ Looks Like: Men Marching for Women's Lives
On Mother's Day, the men of the Louisvillebased Mobilizing to End violeNce (M.E .N.) served dinner to a group of women . But not just any women: the men put on a feast for women residents of the Center for Women and Families, which provides services to battered women and their children and offers rape crisis counseling in north central Kentucky and southern lndiana . "This is a small effort on our part to honor the wome n who do an ama4:ing job of mothering in what is really an impossible situation," said Rus Funk, co-founder and coordinator of M. E. N. "lf there are any mothers who should be honored today, it is these moms , (who are) continuing to fulfill their obligations to their children in spite of being beaten, put down , and threatened by their abusers." Funk believes this may be the first time anywhere in the country that a men's group has honored battered mo thers on Mother's Day. Lynnie Meyer, president and CEO of the Center for Women and Families, applauded the group 's action, noting that "our community benefits when men stand with courage and lead with conviction to stop violence against women and children." The men cooked dtnner for up to 70 worrien and children who are staying at the shelter as well as in rwo of the Center's transitional housing programs. Many of the women were visibly moved by the gesture, and Funk, in a statement to the mothers, said, "We know this is much less than any of you deserve as a Mother's Day celebration. But we did want to take a moment to recognize the job of mothering that you do and to say thank-
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you on behalf of your children, and a warm and heartfelt Happy Mother's Day!" M.E.N., whose motto is "Men Working with Men to End Sexism and Violence," is a grassroots men's organization founded in 2003, providing support to local programs working with women who have been victimized and educating the community about how violence against women affects men and the ways that men can, and should, be involved to stop sexism and. violence . For more information on M.E.N. , contact Rus Funk at (502) 494-9044.
Helping Urban Fathers in L.A. It has been increasingly recognized that the presence of involved, nurturing fathers has a positive effect on the emotional, behavioral, and cognitive development of children. Yet what's often not seen is that traumatic experiences in a father 's background may get in the way of his ability to parent his children effectively. A program called Project Fatherhood, in Los Angeles, is trying to increase the positive involvement of low-income , highrisk urban fathers in their children's lives by helping fathers identify and resolve early traumas in their own lives. The cornerstone of Project Fatherhood is its ·"Men in Relationships Groups": ongoing men-only therapeutic groups where, in addition to learning about basic child development principles, appropriate discipline techniques, and other parenting ski.lls, fathers receive help in dealing with traumatic experiences in their own histories that continue to impact their relationships with their children and partners. One of these groups is offered in Spanish as well.
Some of the other services Project Fatherhood provides include individual and family counseling, crisis intervention , case management, peer mentoring, parent education classes, a "job club, " advocacy with the Dependency Court and Department of Children and Family Service, referrals for food, housing, shelter, health care, employment training, and legal assistance, as needed, and father/child activities such as fishing, camping, and sports events. · Project Fatherhood has operated since 1996 with private foundation funding. For more information about the program or to obtain a copy of the curriculum, contact Dr. Hershel Swinger, (213) 385-5100.
Eating Disorders Rising in Men Men are still less likely than women to have eating disorders. But men do suffer from bulimia, binge eating, and, to a lesser extent, anorexia, according to researchers-and the nu·mber of men suffering from these eating disorders may be on the rise. Leigh Cohn, coauthor of the book Making Weight: Men's Food, Weight, Shape and Appearance (Gurze Books, 2000), says that such disorders affect about 2 percent of men, versus 4 to 5 percent of women, but he believes the numbers are increasing. And as for women, the villains where men are concerned are genetics, low self-esteem, trauma, and cultural influences, such as the!proliferation of popular media
IS·THIS YOU?. • •
... OR IS THIS SOMEONE YOU KNOW? If you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or they may have a problem with abuse. Without help, it could get worse . At Men Overcoming Violence , men can learn to 'change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help ... before it's too late. w
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.MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield: (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994
images of men with humongous muscles, flat stomachs, broad shoulders and narrow waists. (Are yo u listening, Men's Health?) One study showed 70 percent of high school males dieting, and other studies have looked at the prevalence of excessive exercise among males, which , combined with a restricted, "carbophobic" diet , can lead to hidden eating disorders. And as with many male health conditions, men may be unaware that they have an eating disorder, and thus it may go untreated for some time. Moreover, men who become aware of their struggles around eating may feel worse on reflect-· ing that they have a "women's disorder," or worry about the stereotype that only gay men have this problem. (In fact, gay men may simply be more likely to seek treatment, researchers say.)
Men Taking It to the Streets to End Abuse Never let it be said that the Men's Resource Center doesn't have legs. Once again, the organization has planned a 'four-day Men's Walk to End Abuse as part of the observance of Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October. Beginning in Springfield, Mass., on Wednesday, October 6, walkers will follow a 40-mile route through 11 communities in three Massachusetts counties, ending in Greenfield on Saturday, October 9. Last year, 35 walkers collectively walked more than· 300 miles to call attention to men's responsibility to help stop domestic violence, and in the process raised more than $4,500 for the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program. Among the many donors then was Massachusetts senator john Kerry.
"Senator Kerry is likely to be a bit busy this fall ," said MRC co-director Michael Dover, who is helping organize the Walk, "so we'll need others to step in." The Walk raises funds for the MOVE program through sponsorship of walkers and business sponsors of the Walk. "We hop e to have even more walkers than last year," said Dover. "You don't have to raise money to walk with us , and you don't have to walk the whole way. And of course , women and children are welcome to join men." To learn more about the Walk, and to see pictures from last year's event, go to the MRC website at www.mensresourcecenter.org. To find out about becoming a walker, volunteer, or sponsor, contact Dover at mdover@ mensresourcecenter.org or (413) 253-9887, ext. 33.
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Gay Marriage: Moving Beyond May 17
Historic Moments, Flawed Arguments By Michael Dover
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Unless you've been on an extended monastic retreat, you know that May 17, 2004, was the day that same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts. I went to Amherst Town Hall that morning to join in the celebration organized by the town's Human Rights Commission and Health Department. Seeing the faces and hearing the voices of the couples put all the political, religious, and constitutional arguments out of my head for the moment. What was present was the joy, the connection and caring that everyone was feeling. Couples who have been together 10, 20, and more years were now able to step forward and have their loving relationships recognized. Tears were plentiful, but so were smiles and laughter. On May 30, I was privileged to see two of those relationships affirmed. In the morning I attended the local Quaker Meeting, which was able to make legal (in the eyes of the state) a marriage between two women that had taken place under their care 11 years ago. Later that day two of my lesbian neighbors were married in a joyous ceremony that was extraordinary in its "normality": just a wedding of two people who love each other, though simultaneously so much more than that. Historic moments should all be so good. don't get it. . Try as I might, I can't understand why the opponents of gay marriage are so upset at the prospect that people who love each other want to make their commitment official. The arguments I've heard just don't measure up to the vehemence with which the antis stand against what many courts are increasingly recognizing as a basic right . The biblical argument doesn't work. Sure, there are lots of biblical citations about marriage being between a man and awoman. But there are also references to polygamy, slavery, wife-beating, and marital customs long abandoned . And there is the simple truth that we're talking about civil marriage, not religious practice. Churches, synagogues, mosques; and temples can refuse to recognize gay marriage just as they can refuse to sanction interreligious or interracial marriage;· it makes no difference to the state, but the state can and should still recognize all these kinds · of marriage . Some of the opponents argue that the function of marriage is to produce and rear children. Are they really prepared to say that a postmenopausal woman or a sterile man should not be allowed to marry7 Why do we celebrate the marriage of elderly couples? What about lesbian couples who bear biological children with the help of sperm donors'? Are they inherently different from heterosexual couples who do the same because the male partner is sterile? And what about couples who choose not to have childr.en7 Is their marriage invalid? I don't believe anyone is about to outlaw marriage of childless couples, precisely because we all recognize that marriage has a variety of
social functions , one of which historically has been to legitimate the patrimony of children. As the stigma of illegitimacy has thankfully all but disappeared, that aspect of marriage has become considerably less important. What remains is the desire of couples to make solemn their commitment to each other, and to ensure a whole variety of rights with respect to each other, their commonly held property-and their children if they have them .
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Another argument based on children is the one that says every child needs a mother and a father. Even if the supposed research on the subject held water, it has nothing to do with the law. There are no laws forbidding single parenthood. Widows ·a nd widowers don't have their children taken away if they don't remarry. In Massachusetts and many other states, single adults, unmarried straight couples, and , yes, gay and lesbian singles and couples can legally adopt children. I am honon;d to know gay and lesbian parents of biological and adopted children who are doing very well , thank you-studies or no studies. I also know many single parents who do stellar jobs of raising their children, sometimes with the support of the noncustodial parent but often without. Whatever the family constellation, it seems, the important element is the hard work that the parent or · parents put into caring for their children . As co-director of the Men's Resource Center, I can attest to the value of having involved fathers be present in their children's lives. But that does not mean the one-mother/one-father family structure is the only one that works. If the last couple of decades has taught us anything, it's that we live in a time when a great variety of
family arrangements can bring children up to be healthy and secure. What matters is the thought, love , and resources these different kinds of families can bring to bear on this most important of tasks. Finally, there 's the particularly strange argument that allowing gay marriage will somehow lessen the value of heterosexual unions. Can someone please tell me just how this will happen7 Currently, about half of all marriages end in divorce-even though gay marriage wasn't legal anywhere in the United States until May 17 of this year. So the institution of marriage isn' t in great . shape. Yet there those thousands of couples were, standing in the rain in San Francisco, waiting to take their vows. How is this weakening marriage? Is there one straight couple out there who had been contemplating marriage but now have decided it's not worth it because there might be some gay and lesbian couples somewhere who .are also married? People get married because they love each other, and stay married if they work at keeping the relationship strong. What happens next door or in the next county matters little or not at all. Others choose not to marry for a whole host of reasons, from income tax and property laws to fear of commitment. I doubt anyone has ever looked over his or her shoulder to see what other types of folks are getting married and used that to make the decision about whether to tie the knot. · So I'm left with no reasoning for opposing gay marriage that makes sense , other than that some straights can't think of gays and lesbians as anything but Other. And the Other is not entitled to be Like Us. At base , this is simply a matter of maintaining privilege: straight people can have the social and legal standing that comes with marriage, but gays and lesbians can't because they're gays and lesbians. It's just the way it is. This • is an argument I can understand. And I reject it utterly.
Michael Dover is co-director of the Men's Resource Center. A version of .the following commentqry appeared in the Amherst (Mass.) Bulletin on April 23, 2004.
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By Bill Patten
f\s the small twin-prop from Amman cuts and home state" tdn~ t banks hard dow shon,tan ·n a spiral W I tried' to pattern, you go 5, o~p fe e runway could I fast and vertica eep"you stomach from Sam knows leaping out of your throat, you fixate not on support of Bush, that I am revol the ground but on the cockpit and the controls until you see the alarm going off to pull the · invasion of Iraq. nose up and then look out the windows again. updates on what · Two of Saddam's palaces are in the middle of his coworkers, square, green, man-made lakes ... " these I cherish differences . He that. his parents are o began ·an e-mail from my son, Sam, concerned about his safety and that we right after he arrived in Baghdad in midlove him regiirdless of the quagmire he finds March. A decade ago, after graduating himself in. from college, Sam was writing stories about It's easy, especially with Bush's overwh~ln,t?\17 ingly pro-business world agenda, to overloq}$' · local zoning board meetings for The Camden Herald, a weekly paper in the coastal Maine the passionate idealism that underlies Sam1 town where he grew up and went to high thinking. It's tempting to forget Sam's initiatives school. I knew his interest in government at Georgetown University to start a date-rape prevention center, his summer spent working would lead him back to the larger world, but to find him fighting for democracy in Iraq I in a legal aid clinic in D.C., and later his work must confess has come rather as a surprise. in Bosnia in the international refugee mission. own sor:v,, Sam was born in 1971 in Washington, D.C. In fact, Sam's own lack of interest in business He is the first of our three children. We moved or moneymaking seems ironic to say the least to Maine when he was eight and I became when one reflects on whom he is working for. the publisher of several weekly papers along l was talking to a real estate man not long the coast. A few years later Sam started his ago who reminded me that we all construct own paper, The Daily Planet, and made his our own realities. He had been raised !3-oma Catholic and sings J n his chur.plf' ~ hoir younger sister Eliza a reporter until her stories became "boring" and he fired her. with his son. As I'm a part-time 1Unitarian He and his friend Eli also ran the "Patten Universalist minister,wwe had a. wonderful conversation. He exp'iained that he is about Detective Agency," which specialized in recovery of Iost bikes and divorce spyingto leave hi~? church and I gave him some a potentially lucrative business in the cute information about the UU tradition, realizing litde town where Peyton Place had been filmed. it would be a shot for him to make such We used to laugh indulgendy at his innocent a radical dreams to save the world. Today it is harder to laugh. Sam is now working for the United States in Baghdad as part of a professional • team trying to bring democracy to that country. He is the "Resident Political Director" of the International Republican Institute, a government-subsidized agency aimed at fostering democracy around the world . Sam has been working for IRI in Russia over the past three y,ears and was recently assigned to Iraq. How Sam became a Republican and ended up in Baghdad is a long story with no single explanation. On the most primal level, I feel it's healthy that a son should try to challenge and surpass his dad. Growing up under the shadow of Dad's columns and editorials certainly offered a vivid reality to reconstruct. But then was it chance that he started working fot Senator Bill Cohen, Republican from Top photo: The author's son, Sam Patten Maine, in college and later helped Senator (back row, center), with a group of young Susan Collins, also a Republican, fill his seat? Iraqis. V{hen G:orgeW. Bush ca.me to Portland Middle: A group of Iraqi men in traditiondl durlffg ihe -20\)0 presidential campaign I dress with two Americans in Baghdad. remember Sam telling me ho)V moved he had been by overhearing the candidate expr~s his Bottom: Sam Patten (second from left) and an American associate meet with local Iraqis. love for his fath:; in respo~e to a joum~list's P\'ll~i~(it~~~~j' question . Sam went on ti:thead the Maine campaign for Bush, and felt crushed when his
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''Yes, I Am Afraid " Healing Emotionally After Testicular Cancer By Brian Pahl When I was 21 , I found a lump on my right testicle that turned out to be cancer. During the next three months I would endure .the removal of one of my testicles, major exploratory surgery to my abdomen, the discovery that the cancer had spread, weeks in the hospital, and two rounds of chemotherapy. All in all, it was the most painful, terrifying thing I have ever experienced. It took me over Jour years just to admit that. I thought it would be weak of me to acknowledge my fears, but I realize now, 12 years later that I have never been stronger. The words that fo llow are a window into my experience with tes ticular cancer, the anguish I continued to feel after treatment, and what I am doing to heal emotionally from what was the most difficult time in my life.
twas September 1992 and a week after my second and final session of chemotherapy. I packed my things and moved to Los Angeles to live with a friend. I had to get away. Three months of my life had been stolen from me, and I was not about to sit around and waste any more time fe eling sorry for myself. I figured it would be best for me to get back to the things I had been doing prior to having cancer. I thought I was doing what was bes t because my doctors, family, and friends seemed supportive of my decision. It was of great importance .for me to prove to myself and everyone else how strong and determined I was . Being a strong patient had helped me fight the physical part of having cancer, and l thought that acting like a strong survivor would help me overcome my emotions . It worked for a while, because l refused to believe or acknowledge that any negative feelings existed . I simply ignored my emotions , and for four years I continued to reject the notion that I had unresolved feelings, even though they would arise from time to time. I failed to realize that moving away and assuming the state of mind that I did would prevent me from dealing with the emotional turmoil going on inside. ' I am now able to ad mit that I still feel traumatized from having cancer. At times, I still feel like a victim . Occasionally, I break into tears while watching a movie or reading
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a book because memories of what I experienced become vivid in my mind . The fear, the pain , and the uncertainty that were a part of having cancer all become real again, if only for a few moments . I wake up every day to this enormous scar on the front and side of my torso . It will never allow me to forget what my mind and my body endured and continues to remind me of the fear I feel today. Yes , .I am afraid. I am afraid that all of the effort I put into making myself well might have been for nothing, because the cancer could come back. On the other hand , I feel just fin e, aside from the pains left over fro m two ope,ations . I feel like I did wh en I was first told I had cancerand that scares the hell our of me. In my healing process, I've had to confront the loud voice in my head that says , "It's time to get over this, Brian. You had cancerJour years ago, and you are doing just firte. Stop acting like a baby. Stop being a scared, sensitive fool and move on. Besides, your cancer was nothing compared to the cancer that terrorizes little kids or that takes a woman's breasts. You just lost a little testicle; stop feeling sorry for yourself and being selfish. Get over it, man. " These thoughts are also the source of a number of "why" questions : "Why do I still feel like this? Why does this still bother me so much? Why can't I just get over it? " First, in order to answer these "why" questions and understand how I could "still" feel this way, I had to admit to myself that having cancer definitely was a terrifying, frightening, and traumatic experience. Second, I had to give myself permission to recognize that my feelings were natural considering the extent of what I endured . This was absolutely necessary in order for me to stop criticizing myself and my feelings. Why was this so traumatic' Right 路from the beginning, I had it in my head that cancer meant death. I thought of my great-grandmother, who fought cancer for many years. I remembered the pain and suffering she went through and all of the weight she lost, and her slow, agonizing death . I did not think I would endure the same type of struggle, but in my mind cancer symbolized pain , agony, slow, ruthless evil, and death. I was not only fighting a disease in my body; I was fighting for the survival of my entire being. In Illness as Metaphor Susan Sontag writes, ''As long as a disease is treated as an evil, invincible predator, not just a disease, most people with cancer will indeed be demoralized by learning wha t disease they have. The solution is hardly to stop telling cam:er patients the truth , but to rec tify the concep tion of the disease , to de-mythicize h. " Long b efore cancer manifested true , real, physical pain within my body, it was real and painful and terrifying in my mind. We associate cancer with horrible things like death , painful treatment , suffering, agony, poison , surgery, cutting, wasting away,
invasion , tumor, killer, superstition, fear. We surround it, coat it, and protect it with these references and labels which serve as armor and make it increasingly difficult to overcome. If we rem'ove the protective shield, it becomes merely cancer, a disease , and our odds of defeating it become much greater. At one point I became very angry while reading Sontag's book. I thought of how I viewed cancer: as a sniper sitting in a tree firing upon people, picking them our at random and trying to destroy them. I became enraged and started to cry. I shouted the word "cancer" over and over again. "Ca ncer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer! Cancer!! CANCER!" My anger intensified, and I wept uncontrollably. A few minutes went by, and I was feeling better. I was getting the cancer our of my mind and was letting go of emotions I had been holding on to for years. The Western medical philosophy believes in ridding the body of disease at all costs, short of ending life . The objective is purely physical. Meanwhile, emotions and the psyche of the patient are ignored. I had rwo great doctors , and I credit them with my survival. I look back on my treatment and see them doing all they could to get the cancer our of my body. The disease was being curedbut Brian was being pur through hell , and he needed someone to help him cope with all that he was feeling. One of my doctors attempted to address my emotional concerns by talking with me about them, but the insurance company limited my visits with him . I was physically healed, bur I am not emotionally healed . When I went to the doctor the very first time, I felt fine . I was not ill. I had no aches or pains . The only problem was a lump. on my testicle. Then I was told that I had ~an cer, and they proceeded to do all of these terribly painful things to me to rid my body of something I did not really know was there. They told me this was all needed in order to cure the disease. I was confused in a way because , since I did not feel sick, it was as if I were being deceived. All of the treatment, all of the agony and pain I went through and continue to go through mentally and emotionally was geared toward something I didn' t really know was there . My treatment was far worse than any symptoms I was experiencing. The-next step was to explore what I had done with my feelings and seek them out. When I was being treated, I did what I could to show everyone that I could be strong, even though I was screaming and kicking and
Most of the men who responded identified with the same feelings I had , but a couple of guys said it was "nothing" to them. One of them said: "I almost don' t feel like the word ' cancer even applies to me. And l would NEVER refer to myself as a 'cancer survivor,' because I never felt my survival was in question . A guy I work with lost his nine-year-old stepdaughter to an EXTREMELY rare type of cancer. SHE had cancer. HER survival was ALWAYS in question. Testicular cancer just does not compare to that, not mine anyway." 路 He makes a valid point. Sometimes l agree with what he said about other people's cancers being worse than mine, and it makes crying on the inside. I let my emotions show me feel guilty and when I couldn't take it anymore, but otherselfish that l am still wise I locked them away. The word "strong" hung up over having continues to appear because I thqught I was a "delicate" type of being strong. My friends , family, and medical cancer. I think where staff reinforced this by telling me how well we differ is that my I was hanging in there. My mother and my cancer had spread , doctor suggested counseling as a way to, deal and my survival was with the pain and fear, but I refused. Its not in question. Regardless, I have learned that that bad, I remember telling them. I beheved I cannot change how I feel. I cannot change that I was doing okay dealing with this on the fact that this was a horrible thing, and my own. Counseling or a support group was that it affected me the way it did. absolutely out of the question , because Another guy said: "I agree with your either of the two would bring up feelings sentiment that the psychological effect of when I was doing everything in my power suffering cancer in such a 'defining' area to deny their existence. . is often under-regarded . .. I get extremely Another reason I stuffed my feelings tense around routine checkup time, because inside was because I wanted to take it like a more than anything, I do not want to have man. I learned early on that real men don' t chemotherapy again. I was first diagnosed cry. Real men don't show their emotions. I in 1984 ... l2 years later, I am happy, learned these things the hard way because healthy, and married, but it is still hard to I am a guy who does cry. I do show what I talk about." It meant a great deal to me to am feeling, and I have been mocked, teased , hear from these men . lt makes me feel like criticized, ridiculed, and beaten up for lt . The less of a freak to know that other _people list in my mind goes on forever as to why have had the same experience or the same I might be less of a man. Losing one of my thoughts as I have had . My biggest fear is nuts added to the list. I was so concerned getting cancer again. I am getting to a pomt, with what other people thought of me, though, where I am worrying about that less especially now, that I thought the best thing because I know it is out of my control. would be to tough it out. This was my chance I still have so much work to do . I am at a to stop being a sissy and act like a man . Being point now where I am less critical and more strong and fighting my illness the way I d1d accepting of my feelings, but I need to g!Ve was an attempt to make people proud of me, myself a break when it comes to feeling sad. to make me proud of me. What I learned from Most of my life I have listened to "don't be this experience , though, is that "acting like a sissy." I cannot erase that overnight, but I a man" made my life worse . Acting like a am on my way to replacing it with "ler_ your man cut me off from who I really was and feelings be. " I plan on further . exammmg made all of this so much more painful than gender and identity roles and SOC!ahzanon of it should have been . My healing was made men and women to more thoroughly underharder because l knew the entire time that stand how that may have contributed to my sooner or later the f~elings I had ignored anxiety and the repression of my feelings would rise and make me take notice. I post- 路 during and after my treatment. I am gomg poned this moment as long as I could, in to continue talking with cancer surV!vors and the belief that this was "manly. " sharing stories. Finally, I will attempt to take Today, I can see that having cancer was a little time each day to reflect on and honor a traumatic event in my life. l can see how l my feelings , whatever路 they may be, and I suppressed my feelings and refused to ~ive will con~inue to be thankful for my hfe . them notice . I am now paymg attennon to those feelings , so that l may get on with my Brian Pahl is a 33-year-old individualist living life. l still struggle with the notion of manin Bellingham, Washington, where he coordinates hood, but l am trying to focus less on the the Men's Violence Prevention Project at Western man society tells me to be and more on the Washington University. He keeps life in perspective person I want to be . by hiking in the North Cascades and spendmg Once I had a better understanding of my lots of quality time with Gus, a six-month-old experience , l wanted to talk with other men golden retriever: who also had testicular cancer. I sought men out over the Internet and through my doctors.
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Breaking Old Habits, Resolving Old Arguments
Conscious Communication for Men By Karen Fogliatti hen the men walk through the door, I c-an feel their trepidation, hear their thoughts : How did !let myself get into this? Why am I here, anyway? As r.hey settle into their seats and begin their introductions , their faces seem to convey a shift into resignation, even resolve: Oh, yeah, I remember; I'm so tired of the sniping and sarcasm that has pefmeated my relationship. I'm tired of the same old arguments that never seem to get resolved. And so, with a sigh and much anxiety, they begin the work. The "work" is a workshop on basic skills in conscious communication. And I'm happy to lsay that as participants proceed through the eight-week course , they actually come to relax, have fun, and experience relief and growing confidence in knowing that they can do conflict differently-that conflict can be used, as jungian psychologist/ quantum physicist Arnold Mindel! says, "to learn , to love, and to grow." Since 2001 I have worked with men in a certified barterers ' interveinion program, Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE), at the Men's Resource Center, and in community workshops. In doing this work I have become more aware of the unique challenges men face in relationships , given their cultural conditioning. To be.sure, men are conditioned in many positive ways ~ But there are negative aspects of men's socialization that have deprived them of learning skillful communication at close quarters . Men are taught to be "in charge," to make all the important decisions, to "fix" everything, to maintain a
For men, just being able to identify their own feelings and talk about them can be a huge challenge. Another obstacle men face is the need to "win" arguments , to feel "in charge." Bur with the right tools, both parties' to a conflict can win. Imagine being able to stand your ground when differences arise instead of having to either knock the other person off her ground or else roll over and give up your own needs . When we eliminate the fear of losing and the old protective patterns that come with that fear, we can approach differences with an attitude of curiosity. When curiosity is brought to
stiff upper lip, to suppress their true feelings. These pressures can present problems, especially in modern heterosexual relationships in which their female partners are coming more into their own and wantingperhaps demanding-more intimacy and a sharing of power in decision-making. In order to do the work of being in a healthy relationship, men need tools. It's like building a house: special tools are needed , and different tools are required for different parts of the project: Fathers often pass on many of these tools to their sons. Special tools are also needed for the task of building a relationship, and different tools are called for in different circumstances. Did your father pass on these tools to you? Chances are , given the more pronounced male conditioning and role inflexibility of his time, he did not.
differences, it allows creative problem-solving and transformation to happen. I teach many of these skills in the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) groups I co-lead. While at first they're skeptical, by the end of the program many men make comments like: "I can't believe the difference active listening has made in my relationship.:_ it has brought us closer together"; and "With !-messages, I now know how to initiate a conversation about something that I'm upset about without being so afraid that it'll escalate into a big argument. I don't have to stuff it and then let the resentment build until I eventually blow up ." Conscious communication workshops offer two unique features: 1) They teach not only individual skills, bur also how to put the skills together to be able to see a conflict through from beginning to end. Role plays and
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interactive exercises offer many opportunities for practice . 2) They are comprehensive, teaching a variety of skills for d ifferent kinds of conflicts. Whether the issue involves concrete needs , or a collision of values , or a situation that calls for a nonnego tiable stand, there is a whole toolbox of skills from which to choose to fit each particular kind of problem . This toolbox includes any and all of the following skills: identifying who owns the problem, positive self-talk, !-messages (1-M), active listening (AL), the "dance " (putting 1-M together withAL) , six-step negotiation , values exploration, and the nonnego tiable stand. There are also skills that help men to manage problems that don't seem to get resolved, no matter how hard they try. So how would these skills actually work in a real-life situation? Here's an example bf the "dance," a core skill. julio and Kitty have planned an evening with dinner and a movie. They eat; then Kitty jumps up , rushes to get ready and stands at the door, impatient to leave. julio is upset. Ordinarily, he would yell: "Kitty, can't you just relax? Do you have to be such a clock-watcher? I've spent all this time cooking this fabulous meal and you just gulp it down and jump up to get to the next event! Well, you can just wait! I'm not ready!" Whereupon a huge argument would ensue , ruining the evening. Instead, julio does some quick self-talk to calm himself down, chooses a good time to initiate the discussion (perhaps after the .movie) , then says: "Kitty, when you ate quickly; then rushed around and stood by the door, I felt disappointed and upset . because I had put a lot of time, love, and care into preparing dinner and had wanted that time to be special time together. For me, making dinner and enjoying it together is like making love. Next time, would you be willing to slow down so that we can enjoy and appreciate the dinner and each other?"
Even though he has expressed himself well, he knows that Kitty still might get defensive. And perhaps Kitty hasn't learned the skills. He will need to prepare himself to actively listen to her response. Kitty says, "Well, that's nice , Julio , but you always dilly-dally and are late for everything! I hate getting to the movies late, because then it takes me 5 or l 0 minutes to figure out who 's who and what's going on." Julio , instead of getting defensive about his lateness, responds: "So it sounds like it 's frustrating and confusing for yo u when you miss the first part of the movie." It might take a few times of active listening to de-escalate the situation. But when Julio gets the "nod" from Kitty, understanding has been established. He now can give another !-message, if necessary, or can go right into putting the needs of both right next to each other: "So you're needing to get to the movies on tim e so you can unders tand wh at's happening, and I'm needing to have a nice, leisurely dinner together so that we have time to really enjoy the meal a.n d each other." Kitty says , "Yeah , that's it. " They are now ready to negotiate how they can resolve this difference so that both of them feel good about the solution . In reality, the "dance " often takes several rounds of !-messages and active listening to de-escalate the situati·on and to be able to name the n eeds of both, particularly with situations involving bigger differences. Taking time to do so, however, creates a safe space for both people to stay in th e interac tion long enough t6 solve the problem to everyone's satisfaction. While it's not easy to break the habits of a lifetime or to go against cultural pressures, the benefits that come when one can deal with differences creatively and constructively make the effort well worth it. Recen tly, a man in a MOVE group related a situation in which he was able to use his skills to overcome his initi~l desire to verbally attack another p ers on who he felt had publicly disrespected him . He managed to do some quick positive self-talk, de-escalate his emotions , and make a choice to respond skillfully. His response transformed a situation that could have gotten ugly into one in which mutual respect was attained. He felt incredibly empowered by his own ability to make this reversal from his usual way of behaving when triggered. He felt an immense pride in now being able i:o make his own choices as to how to respond , rather than react. · As men grow in their ability to use these skills , they often experience an increase in personal power, intimacy, growth , understanding, and resp ect for the other, as well as for th emselves. And yet , learn ing to co mmunicate consciously isn't just about learning a se t of skills. It's about stepping out of a lot of old habits and into new ways of being that can ultimately change th e culture into one in which power is shared and all experience is valued . And it's not just about individual relationships : it's about grassroots peacemaking, and it involves a paradigm shift. l believe we can only contribute to world peace when we can learn the hard, gritty lessons of how to get along with each other in day-to-day circumstances. When we can do this, we then have a chance to apply these lessons in the. larger arena to create a better world. This work is about
changing the world one person an d one interaction at a time .
Karen Fogliatti has a Ph.D. in philosophy of education and is an experienced educator, mediator, facilitator and counselor. She currently co-facilitates four men's groups in the Men Overcoming Violence program at the Men's Resource Center in communities around western Massachusetts. The next Workshop in Basic Skills in Conscious Communication will begin Saturday, September 18, with a free introductory class from 10 to 12 noon at the MRC and will contim1e for eight weekly sessions Saturdays, 10-1 , Oct. 2 to Nov. 27. Cost is $200-$250 (sliding scale) and an additional $25 for materi.als. For more information call Karen at (978) 544-3844.
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A City Kid of Color Comes to a White College Town
Liberal Utopia ... Not Yet
For the past three years, Lahmar Louis has been a member of the Young Men of Color group coordinated by the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. The group, which meets weekly when school is in session, is a mix of high school students and college mentors, facilitated by a youth programs consultant to the MRC, Julius Ford,'路executive director of the Harriet Project, assisted in 2003-04 by Melvin Harris, a University of Massachusetts senior. It focuses on issues related to young men on the journey to healthy manhood. What follows are Lahmar's refl ections on the group and on being a student of color in a primarily white community.
People believe Amherst is a liberal utopia. But from the eyes of a young black man, Amherst needs to address many issues before .it can be called a utopia . One of the, most important issues that need to be worked out in Amherst is making white people aware of all the privilege and status their skin color grants them. People who define themselves as white also need to recognize how their ignorant or subconscious behaviors affect people of color. It would be nice to stop hearing white people ask me , "Why are blacks still angry about slavery?" or, " 'Nigger' isn't used in a hurtful way anymore, so why can' t white people say it?" My "favorite" o ming to Amherst, Mass., from comment is, "We made up the word, why can' t we use it?" These types of attitudes Brooklyn , N.Y , was a big transition for me. Moving from an all-black area need to be changed . As for the Young Men of Color group , in Bro oklyn to Amherst , which is predominately white, has not been easy. I had very college mentors and professional men from few d ealings with whites outside of my the community play a major role in its schoolteachers until I moved to Amherst success . They provide guidance , support, friendship , and most important, wisdom. three years ago as a scholar in the Amherst A Better Chance (ABC) program. ABC brings They share their wisdom in a variety of ways . Rarely were we lectured to . intellectually gifted high school students of color from inner cities around the country to .Every group starts off by going around more academically challenging school systems . the circle talking about how our week has like the one in Amherst. been since the last meeting. This is probably In the time I have been here I have expethe longest and most important part of the ri enced both the good and the bad sides of group; young black men sharing what has Amherst. Unfortunately, I can' t say this is transpired in their lives over the last seven true for all people of color in this community. days. As we go around the circle people Many have experienced more of the negative comment about experiences and feelings sid e of this community. The ABC program they had during the week. Then we open has exposed me to many of the great people the floor up to ' the larger circle to comment. Hearing how older men dealt with similar and great opportunities Amherst has to offer. experiences is helpful. I appreciate the fact The AB C board is made up of community that they choose to share their wisdom with me mbers-mo s ~ly white- trying their best us . The wisdom that I have taken from the to create a high-quality experience for the ABC group is diverse . Some of the men demonscholars. The Amherst ABC program survives primarily on funding from the United Way ' strate great wisdom in health, race politics , class politics, and more. Their wisdom allows a'nd donations from community members. us to know how to react in difficult situations, But AB C can only do so much trying to bring us the bes t Amherst has to offer. or may just give us security knowing we As ABC scholars we are not exempt from aren't alone in our struggle. The wisdom that the negative side of Amherst. We still must is shared in the group makes it possible to learn something new every week. Because 1 deal with elderly white women clutching know this wisdom will be there , I've made their purses as they pass us, having car sure to be at every meeting for the past doors locked by white drivers when we walk by, co ns tantly being followed around three years . stores and being asked if we need assistance, In April our group held its first fund-raiser - a dance at Amherst Regional High School. as well as people assuming we are all members It was an attemp t to break down cultural, of sports tea ms.
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class, and genenitional barriers while simultaneously advocating for the group's financial independence. The dance was a success on many levels . The money we made fro m the dance allowed us to have more financ ial stability, since th e budge t provided by the MRC is small . I hope that next year we will choose to do another dance fund-raiser so we can apply the lessons that we learned fro m the first. With little guidance from the older men , the nine of us organizing the dance got support from the business com mu ni ty- Peter Pan Bus Company and the Lord j effery Inn , in particular. Th e high sch ool, area media, members of the KINGS , a local men of color supp ort gro up , white and black college fraternities and sororities at the University of Massachusetts, all came together to support a safe space for youth- particularly youth of color-to gather, to celebrate, and to express their culture. Approximately 100 peo ple came to the dance, b ut the true significance of the event, according to j ulius, our gro up fac ilitator, was "the simultaneous reverb erations of indepen de nce and co nn ec tio n that echo ed throughou t the valley. Th e Pioneer Valley, sometimes called the ' Happy Valley,' is a unique blend of cultures, classes and spiritual beliefs ..Bur unfortu nately, like so many other towns ~n d cities in America, the Valley's intellectual capacity to appreciate diversity, ensure equal opporrunity, and share resources among all its citizenry exceeds its willingness to make this thought a reality. It is only through sup porting our yo ung people in their efforts to lead our community that we will create the Happy Valley so often fo ndly talked abou t. " I'll be back in the fall for ano ther year in Amherst an d I hop e j ulius' vision can move closer to becoming reality.
Lahmar Louis, 17, will be a senior at Amherst (Mass.) Regional High School this fall. A summer intern in an architectitre f irm in Manhatta n in 2002 and 2003, he worhed this year as a counselo r at a summer camp in his hometown of Brooklyn. V OICE MALE welcomes contributions
from men - and women - of color. iEContact us with commentary ideas at volcemale@mensresourcecenter. org or 236 No: Pleasant St., Am hers\, MA 01002
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Wanted: Young White Guy to Change the World By lan Trefethen
"S
o, what are your plans?" That's probably rhe most common question I hear these days, having graduated from college a few weeks ago. Some of my friends are going to graduate school, some are working for Teach for America; one is a preschool reacher. This summer, I'm pain ring houses. After August, I have no plans. I have a unique situation , an extremely privileged situation. I have an undergraduate degree , very little debt, a family that doesn't need me financially, and at the moment, health care. I've worked hard, bur there is no doubt in my mind . that my privilege as a white, middle-class male has helped me get to where I am. The fact that I don't have to know what I'm doing right away, I don't have to worry about my career just yet is a sign of my privilege. The question is , where do I go from here? l may nor have any specific plans, bur I do have some guiding principles. It sounds like a cliche, bur I want to change rhe world. (The older I get, the more cliches make sense to me .) Leaving the protective bubble of college in 2004 , I see lots of possibility, as well as a world very different from one that most of us would want to live in. I see violence , on levels from personal to international; I see the largest amount of economic inequality ever; I see ecological disaster, present and future; I see oppression based on a number of social categories; I see unaccountabl e government, increasing corporate control, and media manipulation. I want to help end all inequality and oppression, whether based on race , class , gender, sexuality, ability, stare control, or any and all other systems of hierarchy. I want to see significant, fundamental change on a societal level. I want to work toward a world based on cooperation rather than competition, love rather than fear, community rather than isolation. So I looked in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper. There were no entries under "Revolutionary." I also checked "Freedom fighter, " "Ally," and "Pro-feminist, anti-racist, anti-capitalist, anti-statist, freedom- and peace-loving anarchist." Nothing there either. Apparently, there was more of a demand for managers, truck drivers, and bartenders. Of course, we need people to control us at work, transport all the new, shiny consumer goods we don't need, and serve us .drinks so we can try and escape it all at the end of the day. Bur how come I can't find an ad that reads, "Wanted: Young white guy to be an ally in the struggle against white supremacy. Work with dedicated staff to end police brutality, abolish the prison system, create economic equality., and further revolution. $20K starring salary, full benefits. Call Bill at 617-555-7206"? The problem is, the more change I want to see in the world, the harder it seems to get paid to ·do that work.
The challenge l see for myself is to rake the privilege that l have and ·rry to create the greatest amount of positive change while doing something l enjoy. Nor everyone has the ability to do something they enjoy, and l don't expect to be enjoying myself every minute of the day. Along the lines of Gandhi's "Be the change you want to see in the world," I'm going to try nor to hare my life and my work. There are opportunities. There are "social profit" groups that do great work. There are community groups l can join, regardless of my work. There are lessons to be learned from those who have been at this crossroads before. l also have the tools and energy to be creative and chart a new course . There are an infinite number of ways to change the world every day. lt is a challenge to figure our how to make a living this way. However, if this is my greatest challenge, so be it.
"I looked in the Help Wanted section of the newspaper. There were no entries under 'Revolutionary.' I also checked 'Freedom fighter,' 'Ally,' 'Profeminist, anti-racist, anticapitalist, anti-statist, freedomand peace-loving anarchist.' Nothing there either. " Call me naive. Call me idealistic. ln lO years, maybe I'll reread this, shake my head , and ear my words. ln the meantime, however, this is an important rime of decision for me, and for many of my peers who are serious and passionate about social and environmental justice. We look up to the generations before us , and we look beyond them, because as the Commencement Day cliche goes, we are the future . So, do l have any plans? Well, l'm working on it. l might go to Guatemala and learn Spanish, then rake auto repair classes and be a pro-feminist mechanic. The truth is, I've got nothing planned, and everything planned at the same rime. In -two weeks l might have it all laid out, or l still might have no idea in 20 years. Wherever I end up, l will keep the principles of equality and freedom close to me . .. and ·maybe a copy of the Help Wanted section as well .
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Ian Trefethen is a 2004 graduate of the University of Massachusetts at Amherst. In his senior year he worked as an intern at the Men's Resource Center, where he continued his efforts to change the world. 1S
Is There a Father in the House? By Rob Okun
he same year my daughter was born, 1985 , then-President Reagan's budget director, David Stockman, also became a dad. At a press conference , Mr. Stockman proudly announced that his baby had been born in the morning and that he had gone back to the office that afternoon. I remember being shocked by what he'd said and done. I immediately sent a letter to the editor of the local newspaper, aghast that he saw his action as an appropriate expression of fatherhood . Could this really be how many men saw (and still see) fathering-after your baby is born you go right back to work? I'm not talking here about fathers whose economic reality forces them, at the risk of losing their jobs, out of the house . I can imagine Mr. Stockman, like many men, must have felt a lot of pressure at that momenta young guy in a big job having to prove himself, having to choose Reagan's voodoo economics over the magic "of being with his newborn . Did he acknowledge that tension or did he try to ignore it? Was his act genuine, or a gesture of bravado to stand him in good stead with the higher-ups? Because becoming , a father is such a profound milestone in a man's life; if society believes in the fundamental value of having caring and involved fathers, should we even force men to have to answer such questions at this pivotal moment? Of course on a social policy level it is imperative that engaged and involved fathering be supported in the public and private sectors by broadly increasing paternity leave policies across the board ; we've got much to learn from the Scandinavians on that score. But what I am really talking about here is the feeling men have at the precious moment of their child's birth: Is it a new fathe r's inclination to stay at home and bond with his baby? Is there more than the pressures of a demanding job getting in his way? What about feelings of inadequacy, the nagging fear that he doesn't know how to fulfill the role? Or the attitude he's been socialized to believe-that raising babies is "women's work"? As a culture, aren't these some of the critical questions for us to try to answer? In the end, maybe it comes down to just one question : If more fathers stayed home and raised children, would our world be a better place? Or, put differently, if more women were in leadership positions in government and the military, how much better would our world work? Marie Wilson, who recently left her position 路as president of the Ms. Foundation, believes the answer to the latter question is "much better. " Indeed, some years ago she launched the White House Project, believing the United States needs more women in leadership positions around the country, including electing a woman president in the next 20 years. With our nation in political and spiritual crisis right now, who could argue? The less dramatic, but equally revolutionary, counterpoint to her White House Project might
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WRITERS WANTED: Have a Fathering column idea? Send it to: voicemale@mensresourcecentt}r.org
be dubbed the Fathers ' House Project- a campaign to see more men ac tively involved in the raising of their children over the same tim e span .. Now there's a goal to rally men and women behind. Involved fathers, just like involved mothers , q m't guarantee happy, well-adjusted offspring. But our children well remember what they get from us and what they don't. I was reminded of that fact not long ago when I facilitated a fathers and sons workshop for freshmen and sophomore college students , young men between the ages of 18 and 20. They came to better understand their own fathers , to discuss the shift their relationships with their dads were undergoing now 'that they were living away from home, and , although it remained unspoken, I think they came to muse a oit on what it would be like to become fathers themselves someday. What struck me was how hungry th ey were for contact with their dads . Although all described their relationships with their fathers as good, each spoke about how he wanted more. One's dad had an apartment in a city during the week, to be close to his work, and would return to his suburban home on weekends. "He missed my soccer games and my performances in school plays," the son reported . Another found his father overly cau tious, traits h e attributed to his dad's not having been around enough to witness his son's maturing through childhood and adolescence. "He still sees me as a little kid." The chasm between the distrac tions of the adult work world with its pressures and responsibilities and the challenging world young people are living in-with its pressures and responsibilities-has to be bridged. And it's never too late for fa thers to try. Back in 1985, when my daughter was born, the United States and the former Soviet Union were still locked in the grip of the Cold War. I remember having this wistful thought during the two days I experienced life in the halls outside the birthing room: Ronald Reagan and Mikhail Gorbachev should spend a week working here on the maternity ward, holding the babies in the nursery, talking with the new parents, celebrating the midwives and labor nurses. Maybe then they'd realize that their countries needed fewer weapons systems and more housing, health care, and education programs. Id ealistic? Sure. But now, nearly two decades later, it is as necessary a symbolic vision as ever. Imagine Donald Rumsfeld and George W volunteering for a week to care for newborns. lt'd probably be too much to ask them to do so at a hospital in Baghdad . I'd settle for their showing up at a birthing center somewhere near Crawford, Texas . Voice Male editor Rob Okun has Jour children ra nging in age from 26 to 16. He can be reached at RAOkun @mensresourcecenter.org.
Ejaculation Control
Why Not to Come Tonight By Haj i Shearer gave away my virginity when I was 16. It was a lousy performance. Once I figured out where to enter, the action was over momentarily. My girlfriend was kind and patient-perhaps because I demonstrated other useful skills. Eventually, I improved. Pan of that improvement came from paying attention to my partner, part from books. Two years later, by the time we ended the sexual aspect of our relationship, I believed, like many men, that it was a privilege to sleep with me. Over the years , in contemporary writing culled from ancient Indian and Chinese manuscripts , I learned the theory behind men increasing their sexual pleasure without ejaculating. As l prepared this essay, I did a quick survey of some of my more enlightened male friends and was surprised that no one was using this technique.The most salient question asked of me was a shocked, "Why would l want to do that7" There are two basic answers. The first is because it can give you, the man, greater pleasure. The second is because it can give the woman more pleasure as well. (Note: The author is describing heterosexual relationships; men's sexual experiences in gay relationships may be the subject of afuture article.) Let's look at the first reason first . Toofrequent ejaculations result in both the ejaculatory.fluid and the rich orgasmic experience decreasing almost to nonexistence. Any man who has experienced multiple ejaculations with little recovery time knows this. On the other hand, sex without ejaculation requires no recovery time and can produce strong feelings of full-body pleasure different from, and in many ways superior to, the ejaculatory sneeze . Whe never a man ejaculates-regardless of age, body type, or income-he experiences a temporary loss of energy. A pleasant sensation to be sure, but a depletion nonetheless. That's one explanation for the classic stereotype of men falling asleep after sex. From personal experience, I can attest that there is no male energy loss after sex without ejaculating. "Why bother7 " you ask. "Where's the pleasure for me?". Think about the thrusting, squeezing, licking, and kissing. All these aspects of the sexual experience are pleasure-filled, but subordinated because they pale in comparison to ejaculation. Men tend to be more goal-oriented than women when it comes to sex (and, one could argue, other activities as well). Curtailing our obsession with getting to the "finish line" of ejaculation creates the space to enjoy these more subtle pleasures to a higher degree. In addition , the fact that there is no energy loss is itsel( another payoff. Instead of being depleted, imagine being energized by sex. When you stop-either because no more time is available or because your lover has had enough-you are still erect and ready. Using visualization and physical movement,
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Resources on Ejaculation Control There is a wealth of information available for the man willing to explore the theory and practice of ejaculation control. Use this partial list to lead yo u to fu rther resources. Try entering the names of any of the listed authors into a search engine for more information, or type in "ejaculation control " and search on th at. Or better yet, buy one of the ir books, read it, and use it.
Books • Chang, Jolan . The Tao of Love and Sex: The Ancient Chinese Way to Ecstasy (Wildwood House , 1977). • Chia, Mantak, and Douglas Abrams Arava. The Multi-Orgasmic Man: Sexual Secrets Every Man Should Know (HarperCollins, 1996). • Deida, David. The Way of the Superior Man:AMan's Guideto MasteringtheChallenges of Women, Work and Sexual Desire (Plexus, 1997). • Douglas, Nik, and Penny Singer. Sexual Secrets: The Alchemy of Ecstasy (Destiny, 1979; reprint Inner Traditions International, 1999). • Kale, Arvind , and Shanta Kale. Tantra: The Secret Power of Sex (Ajanta, 1976). · • Wong , Bruce. TSFR: The Taoist Way to Total Sexual Fitness for Men (Golden Dragon , 1982).
Websites Sexual Health Info Cente r sexhealth. org Helping People Survive On line · hps-online. com 4 Men 's Health 4-men.org/ejaculation. html White Lotus East
white!otuseast.com/ejacu/ationcontrol.htm·
you can circulate this retained energy up your spine and alnng your limbs to energize your entire body. You are still full of stamina. You don't feel tired. You and your partner have enjoyed all the pleasures of sex except your ejaculation, and you are able to jump up to perform any other kind of physical or mental work with added vigor (including more sex!). The second , more altruistic reason why a man would want to have sex without ejaculating is to increase his paun er 's pleasure. As we explore this angle, let's define "premature ejacu latio n" as any ejaculation that occurs before the man desires it and before his partner is fulfilled. Left to my own inclination, five to ten minutes of sex
would be fine . My unrestrained tendency is to get the intense pleasure of ejaculation quickly, then move on to something else (and get another quickie later). My desire to slow down af!d pace myself is due largely to concern for my wife , who takes longer than I do to become aroused . Without consciously delaying my own sexual gratification, I could not satisfy her. Listening to other women and men has convinced me that my wife and l are not unusual in our patterns of arousal. In U.S . culture, instant gratification-the "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" model-is promoted as the ideal, encouraging selfish sexual attitudes, particularly in young men . I too (Conti nued on page 23)
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The Bridge to Manhood
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A Gay Man Talks About Disappointing-and Loving-His Father By Michael Bronski nJune of 1974, when 1 was 25, ·1 had a major decision to make. Because the gayliberation movement traces its beginning to the Stonewall riots in New York City in 1969, Gay Pride Day is often celebrated on the Sunday closest to the anniversary of the riots on June 22, and so frequently falls on Father's Day. Would 1 go to my parents ' home in New Jersey to be with my father? Or would 1 spend the day with my gay community in Boston, publicly celebrating our lives , relationships, and political struggle for equality? 1 chose to attend the gay pride march and rally, and since then 1 have always associated Father's Day less with Dad than with the annual celebrations we call "gay pride events." The phone call home was one of those hideously awkward moments in parent-child relationships. My father's tone was dismissive -a "do what you want, 1 can't believe this is even a discussion" tone . 1 got defensive . 1 grumbled that 1 had helped organize the speakers and had to be there. But under this coded language, the meaning was clear to both of us. He didn't want to think about my sexuality, which he \rarely acknowledged; 1 didn't feel much loyalty to a family who never wanted to hear anything about any part of my life touching on the subject of homosexuality. Since 1 was a gay activist and journalist with a lover and a wide circle of friends, this covered a lot of ground. It wasn't simply that I wasn't in New Jersey for Father's Day. My liberal parents would have been happy for me to stay in Boston to protest for fair housing rights. It was that 1 had a "chosen" family of friends, including my lover. 1 celebrated my community rather than my biological family, who were painfully still pretending that most of my life didn't exist. This tension isn't just about a ;;cheduling conflict . It is-for many gay men-about the extraordinarily complicated position of being a gay man who has a heterosexual father. Gay men in our culture have some. times complicated , but often rich relationships with their fathers. All father- son relationships have fault lines . In gay men's paternal relationships, the cracks go deeper, · and they are wildly unpredictable . The possibility, even probability, of rupture and earthquake here is tremendous . Heterosexuality, of course, is our norm . Parents presume their kids are heterosexual until informed otherwise. Fathers in particular tend to expect their sons to follow in their footsteps. Fathering, raising boys to grow up to be husbands and fathers , is for many men part of being a man . Fatherhood is a bridge that links one generation to the next. It is both comforting and reassuring. No one raises his son to be a drag queen . Learning that their sons are gay can be more than some fathers can accept, understand, or even imagine. They realize that their sons
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won't follow in their footsteps. If their sons raise children , it will be with ano ther male . They won't fulfill the dreams their fathers had as they held their newborn sons, singing songs their own fathers may have sung. That idyllic visio n , now shattered , is often replaced with nightmarish Visions of "unnatural sex acts," swishing and cross-dressing. Will & Grace may be funny on television, but most parents don't want to see it morph into a real-life Guess Who 's Coming to Dinner? I have beeri' "out" for almost 40 years, and have heard thousands of coming-out stories. The element common to almost all of them is the fear of "disappointing" their parents . But common to all of them roo is a scene in which gay men tell their fathers-
'" Parents presume their kids are heterosexual until informed otherwise. Fathers in particular tend to expect their sons to follow in their footsteps: raising boys to grow up to be husbands and fathers is for many men part of being a man. No one raises his son to be a drag queen. " in a very real way-who they are. 1 never had to come out to my parentsby the time 1 was l3 , they suspected I was gay, and sent me to a friendly child psychologist to see what was going on. The woman reassured them that 1 was not a homosexual (I'm pretty sure professionals didn't 1,1se "gay" in 1963), and we dropped the subject until it gradually became clear she had been wrong. My parents weren't thrilled-! have yet to hear of parents , even the most liberal and caring, who are overjoyed when their children come out-but we all adjusted. Was my father disappointed? Definitely. He never really asked about my relationships, and showed no interes t in my gay political causes or my books about gay culture. In his view 1 had joined that mysterious "gay world. " And in some ways he was right: in both concrete and metaphoric ways, !left my family. Instead of coming home for Father's Day, I hung out all day, marching and partying with my gay friends. Was I disappointed? Yes . This was my life and (within reason) I would have liked my parents to be part of it. But in retrospect I
was lucky. Sure, they worried I wasn'1 "normal" and sent me to a psychologist but it ended there. Other gay men I knoVI were committed to mental institutions anc given electroshock therapy in the late 1 950~ and early 1960s because their parent! guessed they were gay. I have friends whosf parents never spoke to them, or who flee into that mysterious gay world because liff at home became physically abusive after thei sexuality was evident. These are terrible stories, and I'm glac to say that I hear almost nothing like then when I speak today to younger men. What do hear is thin young men still fear thei fathers will be disappointed. And that this i often the case-their fathers are disappointed Why does this disappointment persist What is this bridge, and why is it so easil destroyed? On the surface it's obvious: "bein; a man" means being· muscular, .. man,[¥-. what we in the mysterious gay world cal "acting butch." Gay men can be all thes things, however, and many are. This disappointment is grounded to large degree in sentimental ideas abou manhood. Feminism has taught us there ar many ways of being a man , of which actin like John Wayne , supporting a wife an• children- even having heterosexual sexare only a few. No one but the most trad: tiona! man thinks this makes sense anymon Magazines, newspapers, not to mentio Sex & the City, all praise th e idea of th "metrosexual": the straight man who appeal gay. Advertisements, television shows, an movies depict men changing diapers, makin breakfast for kids, and even posing sexil and coyly in their underwear. In such a polymorphous environmen why should heterosexual fathers still b disappointed? Possibly because they feel the have failed their own fathers , that they ha\ broken the bridge by having a gay son , an they understand this as. a failure of the own masculinity. I would like to offer a different, happi1 version of this scenario. What can a gay so give his father on this day, besides , mo: important, his love? He can also give hi1 the gift of a new model of manhood an manliness. Being a man can mean beir loving , being moral , being emo tional present and supportive for everyone in h life. It can mean being a member not just ' a family, but of a community that embrac• a larger, broader vision of what the worl can be and how all people-women , me1 children, heterosexuals and homosexualscan be treated with equality and fairnes~ These gifts may only be useful and enjoyf if they are accepted by fathers. By acceptir their gay sons, and by loving them, fathe can accept new ideas about what it meal to be a man. They can continue to bui those bridges between generations with lo· (Conti nued on page 23)
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Finding the Child Within ne of my clients carries in his briefcase a framed photograph taken when he was a child. He treats the picture with respect, keeping it wrapped in a soft cloth and handling it gently. Sometimes we look at the photograph toge ther, while he tells me about himself as a boy. Ano ther client will sometimes prop up an early boyhood photograph on the sofa during his session, as a re minder of a time before the abuse . Thorn Harrigan , codirector of The Next Step Counseling, asked each member of a men's recovery group to bring in a childhood picture. He reported to me that most group members showed up with several pictures of themselves and sometimes snapshots of their families. They all kn ew that it was important to them to make these connections. Part of your recovery work needs to focus on your childhood. That is, after all, when the abuse took place. The boy you were is an important source of information abo,u t the man yo u have become. You carry him wi th you ih the fo rm of memories, feelings , reactions , attitudes , p ersonality, and physical characteristics. There are a number of reasons to get to know him . At times you still feel like a scared, lonely, abused child . Part of your self-concept was fro zen at the time that you were abused. Emotionally, you don't recognize that you have gotten through the ordeal. The world still feels like a risky place. When you are confronted wi th a difficult or frigh tening situation, try to ask yourself, "How old do I feel?" Chances are that you feel young, small, and weak. Returning your attention to childhood helps you to get a better picture of who you were-and who you are. Initially, you may h ave some difficulty finding something positive to say about your younger self. Many survivors have carried their negative self-images fro m childhood . Th ey blame th emselves rath er tha n th e abuse for their unhappiness , shyness, fear, confusion , and isolation . Nothing could be further from the truth . The fact that you survived into adulthood is proof that, as a child, you were resourceful, creative, and strong. (Yes, I' m talking about you !) You owe a deb t to that little boy. It is because of his courage and determina tion that you are moving on your recovery today. And it is a debt that you are able to pay. He
deserves your respect and friendship. You are an adult he can count on absolutely. You are living evidence that he will make it through his difficult, lonely childhood. Recognize that h e was working by himself wi th li mited resou rces, and he overcame tremendo us odds. What a terrific little guy! If he could do all that without help and support, imagi ne what he could have accomplis hed with the right kind of care, love, and encouragement. getting in touch with the reality of yourself as a child will help you tum around yo ur equally inaccurate picture of your adult self. There are many ways to reconnect with the child within you. Here are some suggestions: 1. Make use of photographs. If you 9 can, take a look at pictures taken before ' you were abused as well as afterward . Notice h ow they are different. 2 . Write a Letter to yourself as a child. Tell him how wonderful he is and that he never deserved to be hurt. Reassure him that he will survive, and that the · abuse Will not go on fo reve~.
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. 3. With the help of friends, or in a workshop or group, create a drama or fantasy about your childhood: · • You can have someone else take the role of you as a child while you reassure him that he is fine and everything will be OK ' ·•·•· • You can play out returning to the · scen e of the ab use as your adult self, protecting the child by standing u p to the perpetrator. Take along allies or reinfo rcements if you like, but be your own h ero . • Y~u can set up a scene of yourself as a child t'he;way) t always should have been . Imagine a safe childhood, peopled ' wi th kind, loving, protective adults. 4. Learn new ways to play. Don't worry abou t appearing foo lish or feeling silly. That's what it's all about. There's r;wthing like playfulness to bring om the child " within you.
I recently saw a lapel button that said "It's never to.o late to have a happy childhood ." While you can't change the past, you can forge a new perspective on it that will allow you to have a happier adulthood. Befriending and reassuring the child within strongly . reinforces adult recovery by creating new insigh t into past experiences.
Mike Lew, M.Ed., a psychotherapist, trained cultural anthropologist, and group leader, is codirector of The Next Step Counseling and Training Center in Brookline, Mass. A leading expert on recovery from sexual child abuse, particularly issues surrounding adult male survivors, he f requently lectures and provides professional training and workshops for survivors worldwide. This column is excerpted from the second, updated and revised edition of his booh Victims No Longe r: The Classic Guide for Men Recovering fro m Sexual Child Abuse (HarperCollins/Quill, 2004). Used by permission. Mihe Lew can be contacted at nextstep@jamaicaplain.com, or go to his website, www. victimsnolonger.org.
Resources for Survivors Organizations for Survivors Malesurvivor: Committed to Eliminating Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men (formerly NOMSV) www. malesurvivor. org (800) 738-4181 Sexual ly Abused Males Surviving (SAMS; Canada) www.nsnet org/sams (902) 678-2913 Incest Resources ;•Inc. 46 Pleasant St., Cambridge, MA.02139 National Coalition Against Sexua(Assa~lt ( N~ASA ) . . . , . . r . .. www. dreamfngtfesigns.com/othei/indexn casa.html (717} 728-9764 National Organization for Victim Assistance (NOVA) ·' "' www. try-npva. org/index html (800} try'tnova One Voice: The National Alliance for Abuse Awareness and America n Coalition for Abuse Awareness (ACAA) • •s•• .,,,, e-mail acaadc@aol.comor Ovoicedc@aol.com (2Q2} 462-4688 f· The Safer Society Foundation (Vermont} www. safersociety org (802} 247-31 32 · Survivor:s and Victims Empowered (SAVE} I!VWI't. s-a-v-e.org
(717) 291-1940 Voices in Action , Inc. (Victims of Incest Can ·Emerge Survivors}
www.voices-action. org
(800} 7-VOICE-8 \ "'
12-Step Prq.graQls Incest Survivors Anonymous (I SA}
www: Iato. org!rnedical/isa/home. html
(562} 428 -5599 ,. Sexual Abuse Anonymous (SAA} P.O. Box 9665, Berkeley, CA 94709 Sexual As§ault Recovery Anonymous Society (SARA; Canada) ' (604) 584-2626 Survivors of Incest Anonymous (SIA) www.siawso.org (419} 893-33?2
Clergy Abuse Organizations The Linkup (national organization of survivors of clergy abuse) www,thelinkup.com (773) 334-2296 Survivor Connections, Inc. TheTrue Memory Foundation (Rhode Island) www.angeffire com/ri/survivorconriections (401) 941-2548 Survivors Network of Those'Abused by Priests (SNAP) www:survivorsnetwork. org (312) 409-2720 (Contimted on page 23)
Stealth Men's Movies By Michael Dover
Last Orders (2002)
hat constitutes a "men's movie "? In the context of Voice Male and our perspective on masculinity, I would define the expression as a movie that invites us to think abou t what it means to be male-the struggles and contradictions that make up , and mess up , the male experience. Two film s that accomplished this recently may have escaped men's attentionone because it got limited exposure in the United States, and the other because most of the attention was focused on the girl at the center of the picture. The first of these ls Last Orders , a British film that should have been in many more theaters than it was, if only for its remarkable cast: Michael Caine, Tom Courtenay, David Hemmings , Bob Hoskins, and Helen Mirren, to name the actors most recognizable in this country. Based on the 1996 novel by Graham Swift, .its central 路s tory is about four men carrying out the last wishes-the "last orders" of the title-of butcher Jack Dodds (Caine) to deposit his ashes into the ocean at his favorite, seaside resort town. Three of the
it hard to follow at first as the characters and their stories emerge slowly out of the complex 路 combination of dialogue in the present and scenes remembered from the past. We see jack and Ray as buddies during the war. We learn about the long-held resentment of jack's widow Amy (Mirren) for his rejection of their developmentally disabled daughter, and Vince's struggle around his having been adopted after his biological parents were killed in the Blitz. Our understanding of these men deepens as they continue on their journey and confront each other and themselves around the issues that jack's death h as brought to the surface. Amy, meanwhile , is on a pilgrimage of her own to - put jack's memory to a sort of rest. This is a film about men's grief, not only at the death of a friend, but also in facing life's disappointments and failures. Each man in his way has experienced pain and loss , andjack's death becomes the occasion for them to mourn. (Perhaps Vic is the exception: the man most familiar with death seems most at peace with life.) And this is where it stands out as a men's movie for me : seeing these men go through their lives, believing they can make their own destiny, suffering the blows to those hopes and responding with bravado or rage. They embody in many ways something we talk about often in these pages: men who have never learned to express or
party are his old friends: Ray (Hoskins) , also called Lucky, who works in insurance but makes his real money on the horses ; Lenny (Hemmings), a former boxer who still has a volatile temper ; and Vic (Courtenay) , an undertaker who went into the family busi-. ness after World War II. The fourth member of the excursion is Vince (Ray Winstone), jack's adopted son, who didn't follow in his father 's footsteps but became a succes路sful used-car dealer instead. As they journey to the coast from the old London neighborhood where they all have spent most of their lives, their separate and connected stories emerge in flashbacks for each of them: their relationship with jack, the many hours of comradeship and conflict that often played out in their favorite pub (" Last orders" also being the call from the bartender just before closing). Last Orders can be a difficult film for American ears because of the working-class London accents, and some viewers may find
even recogni:;;:e their feelings. At the same time, their genuine love for one another is evident in almost every frame, even though -the characters themselves have no way to speak what's in their hearts . This is their tragedy, but that love remains their strength. And it's what they bring back from their mission to the sea. Whale Rider is a stealth men's movie. Based on the novel written for preteens by New Zealand Maori writer Witi Ihimaera (a man) and performed by a superb all-Maori cast, it tells the story of Paikea or Pai (magnificently portrayed by Keisha Castle-Hughes), a Maori girl who faces the sexism of her grandfather's rigid attachment to tradition . Koro (Rawiri Patene) , the grandfather, is the chief of the village, and is convinced that a male heir is essential to the culture's survival. When Pai is born , she is a twin to a brother who dies at birth along with their mother. Pai's grief-stricken father leaves the village and
Directed by Fred Schepisi
Whale Rider (2003) Directed by Niki Caro
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his patrimony, leaving Pai to be raised by Koro and her grandmother, Nanny Flowers (Vicky Haughton) . Despite Koro's belief that Pai's birth is a curse, they develop a strong bond , but not enough for Koro to recognize Pai as his true heir. This is a parallel tale of a girl 's enormous strength and courage, and of a man's coming to terms with his prejudice. As imp()rtant as Pai's story is, I found myself noticing the struggles of several male characters as equally essential to the telling of this great story. In addition to Koro, there is Pai's father (Cliff Curtis), so estranged that he escapes to Europe and becomes an artist in a very modern Western culture. Koro's younger son Rawiri (Grant Roa), who has stayed in the village, is separated from his father not by physical but by emotional distance. If Koro and Rawiri agree on one thing, it's that Rawiri is a fai.lure, and you can sense that in Koro's every glance. Faced with no discernible heir, Koro decides he must train all the preteen boys of the village in the old warrior customs , hoping that a natural champion will emerge to become his successor. But he goes at this with the same unyielding will that has separated him from his sons and granddaughter. One boy, Mele (Mana Taumaunu), who breaks down and cries under his withering criticism, is dismissed as no better than a girl. Meanwhile, Pai has been receiving instruction from Rawiri, who in his day was quite the man for handling weapons and performing th e ritu als. For Rawiri, this becomes his way of defying his father as well as helping his niece. When Koro finds out that Pai has been learning men's rituals, his rage only increases. Yet Pai still seeks not only her rightful place but her grandfather's love. A heartbreaking\ scene takes place in the school assembly when she sings a traditional song that she has dedicated to Koro , but he isn' t there to hear it. I won't reveal the reason for his absence, but suffice to say that the story resolves in a quite magical and lyrical way. Whale Rider manages to portray so many different aspects of maleness while keeping its focus on the girl's central story. Most important, of course, is the grandfather 's inability to see past his old prejudices , and (Continued on page '23)
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The Heart and Soul of Divorce By Carl Erikson
Divorce, as columnist Carl Erikson reminds readers, speaks to a large percentage of men (and women) and cuts across boundaries of class and race. Its impact on men often continues for years after the decree is signed. n The notion of "family reorganization," as Erikson describes it, is a concept society needs to begin embracing if we are to transform l· divorce from a system of winners and losers to one of fostering health and healing for children. To help fadlito.te this needed change, with this issue Voice Male inaugurates a · new column, "Men in Divorce." any men process divorce the way they process so much else: as a problem to be solved. They figure om the systems and the rules, apply them to the problem, and accept the solution . Things , agreements, and actions constitute the whole of it. We can process our divorces like this, no question-but ,cloing so is like saying a football game is >W SJJ <!l rmatter of moving the ball or a painting is just a matter of paint and brushes . If we do that we are missing the heart and soul of divorce and ignoring its doorway to a more satisfying life. The heart and soul of divorce are the basic personal truths that lie within the man, in the woman, and in the children in the divorce . What these truths are . What they say. Why they are ignored, repressed, denied, exploited, misunderstood. How they can expand and nourish the people whose truths they are • How they drove the people into places they didn't want to be or to actions they didn't want to do. · Men tend to be not only ignorant of their truths, but in apparent denial that they even exist. In fact , men in their guts know these truths exist and that they constantly challenge the way men actually live their lives. Society, from the time a man is a little boy, trains him to deny these truths and works to keep him ignorant of them . From the first "Big boys don't cry" to the last "Suck it up, man, life's tough ," admonition, men are kept in bondage to some unknown god bent on denying reality. Come divorce, therefore, we just keep doing the same old thing. Processing divorce without participating fully in its heart and soul, however, leaves a man standing alone and unprotected before the grindings of the system and its rules . It leaves men without purpose or direction, without the assurance to make good choices for themselves, without seeing the possibility of salvaging one or more good human relationships. It leaves them without flexibility. The heart and soul of divorce is about emotions, feelings, intuitions, the small voice that keeps whispering ugly little statements we know are true . Recognizing emotions ,
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naming them, understanding them, reading them, and moving with them are all things that men should know at the time of divorce. Given the near total ignorance of these things by most men, a man entering the divorce experience faces a steep learning curve with little time to master it. Quitting, therefore, at the first incline looks awfully ,good , and many men do pack it in. Trying to learn all this at the same time many of the largest foundation pieces in his life are shifting under him expands the confusions and fears exponentially. Refusing to learn-or even refusing to recognize he needs to learn-leaves a man awash in seas so high he's sure he's going to drown, and often sets off anger driven by pani~ or depression fed on a diet of helplessness . How can men touch the heart and soul of their divorce experience and understand the emotional content of their families while coping with the systems and rules of divorce? In "Men and Divorce," a six-session workshop for men entering the divorce rransition which I co-lead, we give a man three tools to use in this effort. First, we slow his tendency to problem-solve way down, or get him to set it aside temporarily. This gives him space and time for reawakening his emotional intelligence. For some men, this proves to be the biggest trauma of all. Instead of fleeing from emotions , we're deliberately asking them to move toward them . The most effective way we've found to lead these men toward their emotions is simply to acknowledge that they have lots of strong feelings right now, sitting in the workshop . Instead of ignoring them, we talk about them .
Third, we help men develop their emotional literacy. At the most basic level, this means literally helping them~>find words for what they feel, for the various levels of feeling , for the connection between themselves and their emotions . When they can name their feelings , men can learn how to read the messages in those emotions, how those emOtions show up in their bodies and minds, how those emotions play off of each other. (Of course learning these skills is useful for all men, regardless of whether or not they are going through a divorce.) Finally, they learn how to respond to the feelings they now have enough words and understanding to talk about. They learn how to use the messages of their emotions to benefit themselves and the people around them , particularly their loved ones who are also going through what I have to call "family reorganization." They learn to choose ways of releasing the energy of emotion without harming themselves and ' while respecting others. ' <~ > With their emotions better understood and the energy of their emotions dispersed , men can reach the heart and soul of their divorce : the truths they, their wives and children are living. These truths can be.ugly, funny, surprising, stressful, joyful-a wide range are experienced. Little ones, big ones , new ones , old ones . Truths we lived by consciously. Truths we never recognized except as stabs in the gut. Truths we didn't know were true for us. Whatever the truths, they affected us, our family, and our marriage, and will affect our divorce. A truth controls our attitude or action, or our denial or sup-
Second, we remind the men that their emotions are a natural part of their makeup , not an a5pect of themselves to be demonized or whose expression should be viewed negatively. Emotions, we tell them, are normal in human beings, not dangerous, or for sissies. Emotions contain important messages for us about ourselves; they're not signs of some weakness or failure as a male. Emotions ·can be managed for our benefit; out-of-control scenes are not the only, unavoidable result of expressing feelings . Many men find it hard to believe the truth of this assessment, and almost all men need help to build their capacity to accept their emotions .
pression of that truth controls our attitude or action. Either way it played its•part, and will continue to play its part unless we choose to change that truth about ourselv~ •for, most of us, we lived our lives unconscious .of these truths and often at odds with .them. Knowing truths about themselves opens men to gaining new perspective. Men gain a choice of accepting or changing their n:uths . They gain the ability to express th-ese rruths more effectively and safely because they're doing so consciously. They gain srr0ng tools for making choices and for knowing when to defend themselves . They gain the ability to look at others around them, particularly
the people closest to them, and identify what their truths (and therefore their choices, · responses , and lines of defense) might be . This moving toward emotion, the heart and soul of divorce, is not easy for us, and some of us have more difficulty with it than others . Some of us have a tough time just accepting our emotions , but once we can accept them acquiring the rest of the tools happens quickly Some can accept their' emotions easily, but have ta,tough time reading the messages their emotions are delivering or finding good ways to disperse the accompanying emotional energy. Others do fine with all· of it-except they just don't want the responsibility of consciously acting on their truths. However men adapt to their emotions and to their truths , they will be slowly led-or pushed-along the path to a fuller understanding of who they've been and a more conscious expression of who they are. As men move in this direction, they begin to see divorce less as an ending and more as a beginning, less as a problem to he solved and more as a difficult passage to experience. 1his change in perspective enables men to focus on the doorway to a more satisfying life. , . ..._
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'carl Erikson, who writes frequently for Voice Male, is the Men's Resource Center's director of operations, as well as a writer and textile artist. The "Men and Divorce" workshops will be held again this fall , beginning September 26. For more information, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 13. ·
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Ejaculalion Co nt rol (Co nU1wed fro m page 17) was indoctrinated wi th the modern American concept of copulation, so having sex without ejaculating seemed irrational and counterintuitive to me at first. Some men are simply not interested in delaying their sexual satisfaction, and thus some women are left unfulfilled by the premature ejaculation of their mates . In my experience, women take an undetermined and changeable amount of time , based on many variables , to reach erotic fulfillment. They do, however, generally take more time than a typical man takes to stroke straight to ejaculation . Attempts by a man to set an arbitrary time of 5 , 15, or even 45 minutes before ejaculation creates a potentially problematic expectation that the woman must also reach her peak by that time . And if you, as a man , ejaculate before your woman is fulfilled, you have failed and must endure her disappointment. If you are not accosted with your failure immediately, you will suffer it in an .indirect form in the future. Some of you know what I'm talking about. I suspect much of the tension that occurs between men and women is traceable to this unfortunate sexual dynamic. This is a good point for a disclaimer. I have not mastered ejaculation control, as my wife can attest. I don't always bring her to satisfaction before I ejaculate . In fact, my understanding of her satisfaction is evolving as I mature. I used to think the goal for her was to have an orgasm every time (as was my goal) . As I listen to my wife more , I realize she doesn't need to reach the heights of passion each time we get horizontaL Thus, I begin to understand the famous female fascination with cuddling, which is much easier for me to participate in and enjoy if I am not racing off to ejaculation land . This is the basic theory of ejaculation-free sex. If you deem it worth a try, you can practice some exercises that !Ire best learned over time and are themselves the topic of full-length articles. Briefly, let me address one crucial aspect of the practice , the physical ability to control ejaculation . In The Tao of Health, Sex, & Longevity, Daniel P. Reid explains a simple exercise that teaches a man to "lock the gate" that controls ejaculation : "While urinating, a few seconds before the flow of urine stops , sharply lock the flow, as if you were 'holding it' while looking for a toilet. After a second or rwo , relax the contraction, let the flow of urine resume , then immediately 'squeeze it off' again. Each squeeze will cause a strong spurt of residual urine as the (urethra) is . contracted. Repeat this three to five times, or until no more urine spurts out when you squeeze , than hold the last contraction for 5-I 0 seconds while you tuck yourself back in and zip up." Th ~ muscle you develop in this exercise is the same one you use to control ejaculation during sex. Strengthening it will allow you to physically control your ejaculations with less difficulty. Once you locate the muscle you can practice contracting and relaxing it anytime. (Think of the added value to those boring meetings you have to attend!) The more difficult aspect of the practice
will be convincing yourself there is pleasure beyond ejaculation. This can only be known by direct experience. You needn't give up ejaculation entirely. There is obviously· pleasure to be found there . However, I am suggesting you sacrifice a percentage of your ejaculations for an even greater prize. If you want to move beyond the ordinary realm of sexual interaction, exploring the deeper pleasures of ejaculation-free sex will open doors of delight for you and your mate. If you can gently bring your old mental habits under control by delaying ejaculation you may find, as I did, fruits of sexual pleasure that men addicted to ejaculating will never taste.'
Haji Shearer has been practicing sexual yoga for 20 years. He lives with his artist-wife in Boston. He facilitates men's groups and wrote "Becoming a Healing Warrior"for the Spring 2004 Voice Male. He can be reached at hajishearer @juno.com.
••••••••••••••• ••••• • l3ridge to Manhood (Contintl ed from pagt 18) and understanding, and not worry about their own masculinity. Hey, they could e\'en make their own trips to that "gay world" by attending a gay pride march with their son . If there is pain between a father and his gay son, only the 1!Wo of them can stop it. What better time Mtdo it than now?
Michael Bronski has been a gay activist for 35 years and is visiting professor in the Women
and Gender Studies Department at Dartmouth College. He is the author of Pulp Friction : · On Covering the Golden Age of Gay Male Pulps and three previous books. This article appeared originally on www.beliefnet.com,
the leading multifaith website for religion, spirituality, inspiration and more. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
••••••••••••••• ••• • • • Stealth Men's Movies
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the price he pays in his relationship to his sons. But there are also the two sons and their struggles with their father 's rigidity, and the boy Mele who , in addition to suffering at Koro 's hands , feels the pain of his own absent father, who comes back to see him but leaves again before any meaningful connection can happen . Among them all, the film paints a port.rait of masculinity in transition, eventually transformed by Pai's own ascendance . If the very end of the film seems a bit too feel-good, by that time it doesn't matter. By all means, take your daughter (and son) to see Whale Rider for Pai's wonderful story and Nanny Flowers' great wisdom. But watch the men, too. This is a beautiful film that powerfully conveys a message that tradition is best maintained and strengthened when men and women are genuinely equaL
Michael Dover is co-director of the Men's Resource Center and writes frequently for
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Men's Resources
www.divorcewizards.com * www.geocities.com/Heartland/Meadows/1259 /li nks .htm * www. menstuff. orglframeindex. html (FatherstuJ/) * good resource * * strongly recommended
We need you as a supporter &reader!
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual. & Questioning Men, see page 19)
At Home Dad . www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad
To receive VOICE MALE and support MRC, send checks to:
The American Cancer Society
The Fathers Resource Center www.slowlane.com!jrc
RESOURCES
(413) 734-6000 Pros rate suppon groups, patiem support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literawre , low-cost housing, and uansponation.
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free, confidemial HIV/A!DS services, including supporr, prevention counseling and volumeer opponuniti es.
Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children , with a play th erapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parems experiencing stress.
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016 Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenin gs). Overnight shelter for homeless individuals. 123 Hawley SL , Nonhampwn . Doors open at 6 .p.m .
Men at Work is a Main e nonptofit providing opponuniries for men 18 and over w share their stories and learn life improve ment skills. Fatherhood, relationships, health , aging, our fathers, addic tions, me ntoring, and more. Trained professionals facili tate. Free walk-in discussion group (Man to Man) meets in Porrland monthly, 7-9 p.m. on first Thu,rsday, except July and Augusc Residential programs Cl-3 days) also offered. For more information call Steve at (207) 865-2048 or ch eck .out www. healingmen. com . Sex &love Addicts Anonymous (SlAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England .
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issu es 路 Education and support services for adcip tees, adoptive parents , professionals , etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday an d third Sunday of each month . Contact: ,Ann Henry (413') 584-6599
Fathers Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns
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Looking for a lawyer7 Call yo ur state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Mass. the number is (800) 392-6164. Here are some websites that may be of use w yo u : www.acfc.org * 路 wwwjathering. org www.dadscan.org www.divorcedfather.com wwwjatherhoodproject. org www.dadsrights.org * ~ (not www.dadsrights.com) wwwjathers.com wwwjatherhood.o rg wwwjathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq.com *
National Fatherhood Initiative路 www. cyfc. umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project wwwjatherhoodproject.org
Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western MassachuseHs www.mensresourcecenter.org The Men's Bibliography A compreh ensive 路online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities. www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/mensbiblio/ mensbibliomenu.html
XV Magazine www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/XY!xyjhtm Pro-feminist Men's FAQ www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465!pjfaq.html Pro-feminist Men's Mail list www.anu.edu.au/-a1 12465/profem.html Violence Statistics www.anu.edu.au/ -a112465/vstats.html Homophobia and Masculinities Among Young Men (lessons in becoming a straight man) online.anu.edu.au/-al12465/homophobia.html National Men's Resource Center www.menstufforg National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships . The Men's Issues Page www.vix.com/pub/men/index. html
100 Bl'ack Men , Inc. www.1OObm. org Pro-feminist Men's Groups listing wwwjeminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist Mailing list coombs.anu.edu.au/ -gorkin/profem.html
Magazines Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www.stejonda.demon.co. uk/achilles/issues.html XV: men, sex politics {from Australia) coombs.anu.edu.au( -gorkin/XY/xyintro.htm Ending Men's Violence-Real Men www. cs. utk. edu/ -bartley/other~rea!Men. html The Men's Rape Prevention Project www. mrpp.orglintro.html QuiHing Pornography, Men Speak Out wwwgeocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitpom. html
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For information,
Call or write for
(413) 253路9887, Ext. 13,
future group updates.
cerikson@mensresourcecenter.org
Konza Massage Deep tissue, sports, structural b<:Jdy work and relaxation therapy for men
Joseph Babcock 413'. 587.4334 A.M.T.A Member
Very Reasonable Rates.
Nationally Certified
.
Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives
Student Intern Ian Trefethen
free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in路Ainherst lS
Arum O'Kane. Cost: $160 by july 16 or $185 thereafter Info: programs@theabode.net or (518) 794-8095 August 6-8 Bangor, PA
Leaping Upon the Mountains: A Men's Recovery Weekend
july 17-24 Penobscot River, ME
This annual weekend workshop is for nonoffending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse and other boyhood trauma. Our goal is to offer a recovery experience in a safe, 1 powerful environment of shared healing. Led ' by Mike Lew, M.Ed. and Thorn Harrigan, i路 L.l.C.S.W Cost: $310 ($150 deposit) Location: Kirkridge Conference and Retreat Center, 2495 Fox Gap Road, Bangor, PA 18013 , Info: S.M.A.R.T. , PO. Box 1295, Easthampton, MA 01027-1295, smartnews@aol.com, http:// members. ao l. co m/sma rtnews/s mart-2 004 ,. conference. htm
Father &Son Canoe Trip
September 17-19 This experience provides men and boys Sylvan Lake, NY (teenagers) to explore nature while deepening Autumn Gender-Free Dance Camp their sense of self. Not just for fathers and sons, Presented by Lavender Country & Folk this is an opportunity for an:y man to be a . much needed mentor for any boy in his life. ' Dancers . Info: jody Grose (203) 778-4393 (evening) , , Location: Camp Circle Lodge healingbear@rcn. com, www. returntothefire.com r; Info : www.lcfd.org!lcfd!camp, camp@lcfd.org or (978) 597-5861 july 23- 25 September 18- November 27 Near Lyons, MI . ! Amherst, MA
Gender, Race &Sexism Retreat
Opening Our Compassionate Hearts with Cean LeClaire, sponsored by the Shantigar Foundation. Info: (413) 339-4332, email@shantigar.org, www.shatigar.org
j uly 3 0 - August 1 Keystone Heigh ts, FL
October 15-17 New Milford, CT
Summer Men's Gatheri ng Sponsored by ln His Fullness, Inc. Walking the journey together into the fullness of manhood. A weekend of brotherhood, where men can relax, attend participant-led workshops, engage in meaningful conversation, enjoy great food, and share their journeys together. (Registration Deadline: july 15, 2004) Cost: $100-$150 per person Location: Gold Head Branch State Park Info: inhisfullness@ya hoo.com UJ
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Workshop in Basic Skills in Conscious Communication
Facilitated by men, for men, this retreat will provide an opportunity for in-depth exploration of how we can challenge and heal sexism-by learning about sexism, finding the support of other men , and working as allies with women to create new patrerns of re,lating and to transform unjust structures. The retreat will use dialogue, experiential If, activities, and reflection to examine the pervasive effects of sexism on men's lives and those of women and children as well. Led by Rodney Patterson and Brent Bilodeau . Time: Friday 7 p.m.-Sunday 1 p.m. Cost: $185 (includes program, materials , two nights' lodging, and meals) location: The Leaven Center, midway between Lansing and Grand Rapids , Ml Info: www.leaven ..org; leavencenter@leaven.org; , (989) 855-2606
路 ju ly 3 0 - August 1 Lebanon, NY
Masculine Spirituality Retreat Abode Programs in Masculine Spirituality: A Retreat fpr Men of All Ages with Thomas
Free lnrroduction Session Saturday, September 18, 10-12 noon; eight weekly sessions Saturdays, 10-1 , October 2 through November 27. Cost: $200-$250 (sliding scale) and an additional $25 for materials . Location: Men's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst Info : Karen Fogliatti, 413-253-9588, October 1-3 Rowe, MA
Hug an Angry Man
Return to the Fire Weekend This weekend workshop provides the safety needed for each man to explore the barriers blocking his true self from being expressed. Th e weekend begins Friday evening on a totally private island in the Housatonic River. Cost: $275 Info: jody Grose (203) 778-4393 (evening), healingbear@rcn. com , www.returntothefire. com
YOLUHTEER WITH V011CE MALE! Interested? (413) 253-9887 or yoicema1e@men sreso urc a en te1: org
Looking to Connect? Try the MRC 's Drop-in
MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS
•
Partner Services
Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program .
•
Prison Groups
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections.
•
Community Education and Training
Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available.
•
Speakers' Bureau
Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at • schools and human service programs .
WORkSHOPS & TRAINING • Men & Divorce
UPPORT GR OUP PROGRAMS Men's Group' 7 - 9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office 6:45- 8:45p.m. at the Council on 40 Main St., Northampton. J\le11ne.sa(\ys 7-9 p.m. in Greenfield at Network h>rr"'"'"'" "' 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.). '"'-""·""-u drop-in group for men to talk t their lives and to support each other. Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse t for men who have experienced kind of childhood abuse or neglect. 7- 8:30p.m. at the MRC.
Bisexual & Questioning 7- 9 p .m. at the· MRC. Discussion on issues of sexual orientation .
GBQ Schmoozef est Events nal events. with catered food, art and c, opportuni ties for interacting with men and other men who love men from to Brattleboro and beyond. june 1 , 3- 5:30p.m. at the Garden Look Park, Northampton, Mass.
FATHE RIN G PROG RAMS • A variety of resources are available Fathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance , workshops , educational presentations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/ divorced , gay. step, adoptive and other fathers/futheF figures ..
YOUTH PROGRAMS • Young Men of Co lor Leadership Project Amherst
• Short Term Groups, Workshops, Presentations and Consultations for Young Men and YouthServing Organizations
MEN OVERCOMINGVIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified· barterer intervention program serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/ emotionally abusive . Fee subsidies available.
This workshop series can help you get your · bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this transition . Six' Sunday afternoons . At MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst. For information, call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13. • Workshops available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community." and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics . Specific trainings and consultations also
available.
PUBLICATIONS • Voice Male Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays , reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.
• Children, Lesbians and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors A 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there ."
• Basic Groups
RESOURCE & REFERRAL SERVICES
Groups for self-referred and court-mandated men (40 weeks) are held in Amherst, Athol, Belch ertown, Springfield, and Greenfield.
• Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, and support programs for men .
• Follow-up Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continu e working on these issues are available in No rthampton, Greenfield and Amherst.
Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHO LOGIST The~apy
Individual and group psychotherapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse
25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 0 1060 TEL: 413-586-0515 •/ E-MAIL:~CHANGINGMEN lO ®HOTMAIL. COM
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