Voice Male Winter 1999

Father Hunger

The Magazine of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts WINTER 1999

By Mumia Abu-Jamal (Page 18)

By Rob Okun

Editorial

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES

The Next Step

Can·Changing Men Mak_ e Social Change? or many men nowadays, navigating contemporary life is rife with pitfalls. Be tender and strong; bread baker and breadwinner.

These are tall orders that many males would just as soon not try to fill (see "From the Director," facing page). The pressure is intense to make sense of personal lives at a time when men's roles are in such transition. (Womens roles are too, of course, as they have been for the past three decades .) . One sign of masculinity in transition has been the proliferation in the past decade and a half of workshops and retreats for men to explore our inner lives.

From coming to terms with our fathers to healing our wounded boy, the focus is on deep , personal growth.

There is in such gatherings great power-authentic opportunities to wake up , to experience real breakthroughs in changing our lives.

Many men notice their bodies for the first time in decades. They release huge blocks of bottled-up tension, anger, and grief, and in the process uncover, if not a river of joy and contentment, at least a stream they might follow to reach it. Bonus of bonuses all of this genuine expression of feeling is ' being accomplished in the company of, and the safety of, other men. . The reality of men coming together to create a community of support, even for a weekend, stands in powerful contradiction to the notion that men fear one another, · assume they are in competition, and see other men as potential enemies. Many men build on these powerful workshop experiences by continuing to meet in small groups to try more permanently to break through traditional patterns of male isolation and limited emotional expression.

All of this work is an essential, hopeful sign for the future of a healthy, new masculinity. The value of these experiences is multidimensionaL As men rejecting the traditional "Marlboro man" definition of

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masculinity, these men are making an important statement to the culture at large.

For some men there is a next step beyond deeply investigating their lives and making changes to improve them.

There is a desire to use their awareness in other environments. But where to tum?

The culture of patriarchal masculinity offers a range of opportunities for "changing men."

From civic clubs to classrooms, from pulpits to playgrounds, these men can take the initiative to address critical issues of our day. They can bring their raised consciousness out of the workshop and into their communities.

Imagine a group of men who started meeting regularly after attending a retreat together.

What if one of them, for example, happened to read about a sports figure who was arrested for assaulting his wife. He might suggest that their group offer to go into local schools to discuss how unmanly hitting a woman is. Or, perhaps, a group · member belongs to a large spiritual com-

From civic clubs to classrooms, men can take the initiative to address critical issues of our day, bringing their . raised consciousness out of the workshop and into their communities. munity concerned with social issues. He might initiate a mens study group to discuss how their community should respond to the racist and homophobic killings last summer and fall of James Byrd in Texas, and Matthew Shepard in Wyoming. Or, if some of them are dads, they might plan a fathers-and-children play day.

For many "changing men," the challenge of taking the next step is clear: to ensure that their new insights deepen and take root outside of the workshop, retreat, and support group environment. The possibilities are limited only by the imaginations of the men themselves.

Can Changing men Make Social Change?

From the Director: , Refusing to "Be a Man" Mail Bonding · MRC News Men's News Fathering: Father Hunger

By Mumia Abu-jamal Men &: Health: Men's Health Services By joe Zaske Notes from Survivors: A Dictionary Not Just for Male Survivors Book Review: Is there Really Male Menopause? By joe Zaske Resources · MRC Programs and Services Calendar Back Page: Film Series and Fathers Events Planned

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ARTICLES, NEWS, & OPINION Cover Story: Working to End "Silent Violence"

By Rob Okun 8 What's a Nice Feminist Like Me Doing in a Place Like This?

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By Sara Elinoff Getting Honest: An Abuser's Story of Recovery By james Gordon 11 MRC Open House Dedication photo collage 12 Macho , Mongo and the Men's Movement

By Martin Espada 14 Hate Crimes: Against. the Wall

By Michael Dover 15 Sexuality: On Being Bisexual

By Michael Greenebaum 16

The mission of the Men~ Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men~ leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families, and our communities. Our programs support men to overcome the damaging effects of rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men~ patterns of personal and societal violence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

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236 North Pleasant Street

Amherst, MA 01002 413.253.9887 • Fax: 413.253.48()1 ISSN 1092-4 795 • Email: mrc@valinet.com Web Site: www.mrc-wma.com Voice Male

From the Director

By Steven Botkin

Refusing to "BE A MAN!" "Be a man!"

Administrative Staff Executive Director - Steven Botkin Associate Director - Rob Okun Office Manager- George Moonlight Business Manager - Carl Erikson Outreach Coordinator - Steven Jacobsen Development Associate - Tim Van Ness Men Overcoming VIolence Directors - Russell Bradbury-Cadin. Rob Okun Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinoff Group Leaders - Steven Jefferson. Steve Trudel. , Dan Botkin. Sheri Vanetzian Early Intervention Staff- Tim Van Ness Youth Education MARS Program - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente Voice Male Editors - Steven Botkin. Rob Okun Managing·Editor - Michael Burke Production - Mark Bergeron Ad Sales Director - Steven Jacobsen Copy Editor - Michael Dover Support Groups Director - Juan Carlos Arean Volunteer Facilitators - Michael Burke, Michael Dover, Tim Gordon. Ken Howard. Steven Jacobsen, Norm LaFoe. Gabor Lukacs. Rick Martin, Bob Mazer, Sheldon Snodgrass. Michael Verrilli, Brian Willson.

Paul Abbott. Bob Dunn. Dave Goff, Michael Greenebaum. Michael Grogan. Keith McAllister, Jim Napolitan Board of Directors Chair- Michael Dover Vice-Chair - AI Sax Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop Members - Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Thom Herman. Sean Hutchinson. Yoko Kato. Tom Kovar, Brenda Lopez. She/lie Taggart Editors' Note The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily represent the opinions of all staff or board of the MRC. We encourage letters to the editor. articles. and news. Address submission$ to: Editor, Voice Mate.

Membership The MRC IS funded by individual and organizational contributions. and by fees for services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25.

Send to- MRC. 236 North Pleasant St.• Amherst. MA 01002 Advertising For rates and deadlines call Steven Jacobsen at 413-253-9887.

Voice Male

The effects of those three words continue to echo through our lives lqng after we've realized the lies behind them. listen to the inflection, the emotional message we can hear so clearly in this simple phrase, carrying equal parts promise and threat.

Be a man!

If we can achieve this goal we are promised a sense of power, pride, confidence, mastery, control, and invulnerability If we do not "cut the mustard," "make the grade," and "step up to the plate," we are threatened with isolation, shame, abuse, and violence.

But what does it mean to "be a man"? For years I have regularly asked groups of people what comes to mind when they hear that expression. The responses, from men and women of all ages, are frighteningly consistent. And everyone knows what happens to boys or men who do not fit inside this "box."

Matthew Shepard, beaten and left to die tied to a fencepost in Wyoming this October because he was gay, is the ultimate, tragic example.

Most of us who are men know some (usually less lethal, but still profoundly traumatic) variation of this story quite well. We remember schoolyards and street corners, and often homes, with our ciwn or our friends' families, where proving that we had an "acceptable" degree of masculinity was an ongoing theme of our daily lives. We learned that any nonconformity to the rules of this masculinity risked making one the target of brutality and ridicule. And we learned that we could have prestige and privilege, power and control, to the extent that we were able to "be the man."

And yet, especially as children, we knew we really did not and tould not meet this impossible and inhuman standard.

Sometimes we did get sad, scared, and hurt.

We did, at times, want to cry and be coq~.­ fo.rted. If we had enough safety as children we might respond to the command "be a man" with the truth: "but I'm not a man."

But it wasn't ;ilways safe to tell, the truth.

So, in subtle and not-so-subtle ways we practiced hiding or minimizing our gender nonconformities, because we were told that's not how men are. How we dressed, walked, talked, used our hands, expressed our emotions, related with other males, and talked about and behaved toward females was all carefully scrutinized so that we would not betray any deviance. We did not want to be

standing alone feeling shame about our difference. So we denied' parts of ourselves in order to feel safe and accepted within a dominant culture that.demanded of us: "Be a man!"

What would it mean now if we were to create a culture in which men join together to reclaim those parts of ourselves that we once hid and denied? If we discovered that, as we peek out from behind our fear, we find the shy and smiling face of another, reflecting our own remembered wholeness. What would it mean if together we found the courage to stand and face the dominant culture, saying with determination ·and pride, "We do not want to 'be a man"'? We refuse the rigid box of gender conformity What if we createc;i a community where we could feel safe and accepted in the infinite variety of our gender nonconformities?

It would mean the end of the system of patriarchy, wherein the promise of power is leveraged by the threat of violence . Men would show up in the full rainbow of our expressions. We would inhabit our homes and families , remembering the delights of nurturing relationships. And we would s.eek out the close, loving companionship of other men and other women . It would mean hope for the world in places where we have long felt only hopelessness.

I believe this is all happening now. There is certainly plenty of overt and covert resistance; however, there is a tremendous wave of liberation moving through our world. Men breaking free from the individual and cultural demand to "be a man" is one key ingredient in this movement.

It's time for us now to assert that we will not be boxed into masculinity by seductive promises of power or intimidating threats of Violence-. It's time for I,!S now to break through our fear and isolation and come out as gender nonconformists who do not fit or accept prescribed rules of manhood. Its time · for us now to call ea~h other out of the shadows of the box with a welcome of acceptance and safety In this way we are creating a new culture where being a man is an openended, ever-expanding expression of possibilities.

This is the work of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. May you find hope and inspiration in the pages of our maga?:ine. Please join us by sending a subscription/membership contribution.

Thanks.

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WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten , double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE , MRC , 236 ¡ North Pleasant Street , Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801 , E-mail: m rc@valinet.com; include address and phon e. Letters m ay b~ edited for clarity and lengthpeadline for the Spring '99 issue is February 5 .

Mom Seeks Uncle

Thanking Spirit for MRC

I'm a single mom with two little girls and my past experiences with men have been less than desirable. Recently I picked up a copy of your magazine at the library. How refreshing to see a publication and an organization supporting and educating men, working towards elimmating oppression and improving relationships.

I've been trying to find someone who ~ould be willing to be an "uncle" for my girls, who have no family in the area and few men in their lives. Someone who would visit and play once or twice a month. and hopefully develop a relationship with them.

They're young (a baby and a three-year-old), loving, and very open-minded . If there's a way to post or publish this I would greatly appreciate it! ! Anyone interested can contact me. Keep up ~he good work!

Shelly Lanciani Florence, Mass.

Congratulations on your new move! It is so difficult for me to articulate how important the Mens Resource Center has been to me. I became a volunteer because of my friendship with Steven Botkin. As my time with all the men at the Center increased, it became obvious t9 me that I was involved with a group of men who were kind, compassionate, respectful, and believed in equality for all-and their actions mimicked their beliefs. I was involved with men who knew how difficult it was/is to be a womyn and how difficult it is/was to be a man in this culture. I watched men bonding in friendship and support as they forged new ways of being male in this society I am proud to have been part of and witnessed an organization transition from a seed into a blooming plant, always trying to uphold dignity, integrity, compassion, and be social~ ly responsible to itself and the community at large.

Up to that time I was a womyn who had had only abusive relationships with men.

Many times as I would leave the MRC after ' my day's work I thanked Spirit for the opportunity to be working with the men at the MRC. All of you helped me create a "new program in the computer system in my brain", of the type of male I wanted to have in my life. You gave me the strength to never want to settle. The MRC was a wonderful, gentle, and supportive place for me.

Each one of you with whom I worked always saw my strengths and commented on them Thank you, MRC, for being there.

Man to Man Thank you for your time in sharing with me your Men's Resource Center in Amherst.

I certainly see why you are all proud to be a part of this organization and the work that you have done over the last 16 years. The information you shared with me will be helpful in our getting started on a different type of Men's Center here. I am excited about our opportunities: I think working with men, especially in the violence area, is certainly something that is needed in our society. I will be keeping all of you posted as to our progress, and I will let you know if we may be able to arrange some kihd of meeting, either with you down here or with some of our men coming up there.

Douglas]. Lester Raleigh Men's Center Raleigh, N C.

judith Breier Sprinrfield, Mass.

"Real Fathering" Its always a pleasure to read (now the new) Voice Male, and I enjoye~ Steven jacobsen$ Fathering column. But being adopted myself (and, like most males , having taken a really long time to even begin to come to terms with adoption), I want to suggest that you consider how you use the word "real."

Of course , it's offensive to hear those who know nothing about adoption talk about who the "real father" is. But the problem is that we're just beginning in this country to recognize the confusion and pain that adoption, by its very nature, creates. And we don't have the right words to talk about it. But your sons, like many of us who were adopted, have two "real" mothers and two "real" fathers . One set of parents gave them birth-and I hope they will always be grateful for that-and now they are lucky that they have another set of parents to love them and take care of them. And I hope that they will learn to love you unconditionally, and not just in fear that "it may happen again." But unless you have the (often sought but never found) inagic wand to divide nature from nurture, your sons are always going to have to deal with two very real sets of parents. Those of us who have dbne some adoption work talk about the a-mom and the b-mom (adoptive mom and birth mom) and maybe these will work their way into the general language eventually Anyway, if you aren't familiar with it, you might want to look into Nancy Verrier's book, The Primal Wound . john Anderson (born Kenneth Jarvie, the youngest of 14) Lake Pleasant, Mass.

PSYCHOTHERAPY GROUP An ongoing group for men and women seeking greater persona] awareness, more satisfying relationships, better interpersonal and communication skills.

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Voice Male

MRC NEWS A Supportive Man Challenging Violence: Juan Carlos Arean Rejoins the MRC

By Michael Burke phy, to build a bridge," Arean explains. "I enrude Stein famously wrote really felt that doing antiviolence work was of Oakland, California, "There$ as important as the supporting work-they no there there." In these heady were two sides of the same coin. MOVE has days at the Mens Resource been some of the most rewarding work that Center, with staff, volunteers, and fnends I've done, and some of the most difficult." still buzzing about the new building dediBy 1996, Arean felt that he was ready cation, and with fresh new energy focused for something different, and he left the on the expansion of MRC programs, it may MRC for the "private sector." Well, semipribe well to remember that just vate.

Actually he became lO years ago this statement director of a nonprofit," govcould have applied just as ernment-financed program accurately to the MRC itself. for Spanish-speaking mental"It wasn't a physical ly retarded adults. But he place," recalls juan Carlos never completely cut his ties Arean, a 10-year MRC veterto the MRC. "One way I kept an who has recently rejoined a connection was by joining the staff after a two-year hiathe board," he says. "But what tus. "It was called the Mens really did it for me was the Resource Connection, and it training I was invited to do in was just an office in Steven New Mexico with Steven Botkins house. There were Botkin. It was a three-day meetmgs and programs, but training for a fledgling mens . there wasn 't a center." center (see story page 9) juan Carlos Arean Nonetheless, Arean felt designed to show in word drawn to what was going on. and deed what the MRC was "I just felt totally at home ," he says, "and I all about. It became very clear to me in got more and more involved ." He became a New Mexico that I needed to come back. I regular at the early MRC brunches and talked to Steven and we made it happen. I Mens Spirituality classes. jumped at the opportunity" In fact, the organizations history can be The "opportunity" that Botkin held out read in Areans MRC career. In 1991 it might be daunting to some: becoming the opened its first office, on North Prospect MRC support groups coordinator, a brand-.

Street in Amherst; Arean was its first paid new position overseeing an existing group staff member, hired six hours a week to · of facilitators , and director of the return phone calls. At that time he also Springfield Initiative, also a new post in a JOined the MRC steering committee, the new community for the MRC. Arean gladforerunner of todays board of directors.· ly took on both jobs this past summer, and There was not much difference between he hasn't looked back. volunteers and staff in those days, Arean With the Springfield Initiative, Arean says. "From there I have seen it grow and has two primary goals: first, to maintain grow" existing services and get new ones off the A year lat~r Arean decided that he wantground; second, to encourage the ed to work in the MRCs Men Overcoming Springfield community to recognize what Violence (MOVE) program. So he trained, the local needs are and to develop their recetved hiS state certification to work in · own services-including, possibly, a batterers' treatment, and became a MOVE Springfield mens cent~r or branch office of counselor. By 1994 he was director of the MRC. So far there is already a mentorMOVE, a position he held until1996. ing gro,u p for young men of color, and a ·'What got me interested in MOVE was new MOVE group starting up. Arean also to see that it was a way to reach folks who hopes to develop a general support group weren't already 'converted' to our philosocontinued on page 7 Voice Male

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Fathers Brunch Series to Begin in January Fathers of all stripes, from expectant and step, to divorced and grand, are invited to a brunch gathering on several Sundays in january and February at the Men's Resource Center. "As fathers, or those who are in that role, we can learn a lot from each other by getting together to talk," said MRC Associate Director Rob Okun host of the series. The brunches are ' scheduled for january lOth, 17th, and 31st and February 7th . For more information , and to register, contact Okun at the MRC, (413) 253-9887.

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MRC NEWS Hail and Farewell The MRC Board said goodbye to a, longtime member, elected four new members in November, and saw two members publicly recognized.

Sam Femiano, a longtime member, announced his retirement from the Board in October. His insight, thought. fulness, and commitment to the principles on which the MRC was founded have been greatly valued. Although his presence on the Board will be missed , Sam will continue his involvement with the MRC in other ways, including his role as clinical adviser to the facilitators of the Survivors' Drop-In Support Group.

The four new Board members are Nancy Girard, Thorn Herman, Sean Hutchinson, and Brenda Lopez. Nancy Girard has been a member of the MRC Speakers' Bureau since it began last year and has been a frequent speaker on behalf of the MOVE program, along with

her husband Scott, for several years. She was one of the first members of the MOVE partner support program while Scott was pimicipating in MOVE groups.

Thorn Herman is a psychotherapist with offices in Northampton and Greenfield , Mass., and in Keene, N. H. He is also coowner of the Oasis Bookstore in Keene and an activist in the region's gay community. Sean Hutchinson is a program auditor for YouthBuild USA in 'the Boston area and is a doctoral student at the University of Massachusetts. He has worked in Headstart and day care programs in Northampton and Syracuse,Brenda Lopez is the domestic violence prevention coordinator for the City of Springfield and has worked with the MRC to bring MOVE services to the city.

The MRC is excited and honored that these fine individuals have chosen to' bring their energy and special talents to the Board!; essential work.

Retiring Board member Sam Femiano was the subject of a profile/interview in

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the summer issue of the American Men's Studies Association newsl!!tter. Sam, a psychotherapist practicing in Northampton, was one of the founders of the association. And current Board member Yoko Kato recently returned from a 17-day trip to her native japan, where she spoke out to numerous groups pn domestic violence, a subject that has never before been openly discussed in that nation (see story on page 8.) In October, Yoko was named Woman of the Year by the Massachusetts Federation of Business and Professional Women, and received the Massachusetts Woman of Achievement award from Governor Paul Cellucci for her activism against domestic violence. Congratulations, Yoko! .

A Welcome Reception One of the amenities in the MRC's new building is a pleasant reception area , complete with sofa and chairs where visitors can peruse our literature and be greeted in a relatively calm, welcoming space rather than walking right into a busy office. We have been blessed with several volunteers who are staffing the front de5k, where they answer the telephone, field questions, and help visitors to the MRC. Our heartfelt thanks go to Amherst College interns Rachael Burnson, Rachel Bernstein, and Alicia Schuyler; University of Massachusetts intern Sarah Tappley; and to volunteers john Beck, Elena Botkin-Levy, Jerry Garofolo, Karen Mandeville, and Tom Schuyt. Thanks also to volunteers Casey Forest and Garry Stone, who helped us get started in the reception area.

About half of the work week is now covered in the reception area. If you can commit two to four hours a week during business hours and would like to volunteer as a receptionist, please call Michael Dover at (413) 253-9887.

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Voice Male

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EN'S NEWS......._..___ _......__

continued from page 5

Juan Carlos Rejoins MRC in the Springfield area, an endeavor that draws on both his roles with the MRC. In addition, a Council of Men has already met once and will hereafter meet monthly, to "create their vision of what a mens center will be."

As support groups coordinator, Arean is shepherding the development of a new general support group in Northampton, which should be up and running by February.

(The Springfield group should be in place within a few months.) To facilitate this new group, as well as the MRCs existing support groups in Amherst, Arean, along with members of the MRC facilitating team, conducted a training of new facilitators in November, adding some revitalizing "new . blood" to the core group of volunteer facilitators, which numbers about 15. Arean would also like to see the MRC offer a support group specifically for older men-60 and over-and perhaps to begin exploring a westward expansion into Berkshire County.

Born m Mexico City, where his parents still live, Arean came to the United States at the age of 20 to attend the Mannes College of Music in New York City There he played guitar and majored in composition, in which he earned both bachelors and masters degrees. At Mannes he met his wife Nancy Raines, a choreographer. Togethe; they went to Paris and collaborated on a project They lived in Paris for a year, then married and moved to rural Spain. Meanwhile Raines became pregnant with their first child, Kyle, now nine, and she and Arean returned to the United States in 1989. They "discovered the Pioneer Valley" settled down in Shutesbury, and had a second son, Alejandro, who is now three.

The Mexican connection is still there says Arean, -the whole family speaks ' Spanish-but he has adjusted to life in the States and feels comfortable in the Valley.

Hes happy being back at the MRC building on the work that he and others started a decade and more ago.

"What makes us unique is we believe that supporting men and challenging male violence is the same work," he explains. "I believe we are all in the same boat. Theres a spectrum of how people use power ~nd control in this society-not only men, but women. too. I find it fascinating."

Voice Male

Gender Rendered: Report from South Africa Mens work is alive and well in my current home of South Africa. The bulk of my work focuses on the Gender Education and Training Network (GETNET), for whom I have completed a series of mens gender sensitivity workshops in each of the nine provinces in the country. The workshops grew out of a September 1996 meeting of GETNET trainers, at which it was recognized that if men were not involved in the struggle for gender equality, the goal of that struggle would never be realized. The main objectives of these workshops are to encourage the full participation of men in gender issues and to develop a pool of male gender activists to work for equality within organizations and institutions.

Each workshop has had its own interesting twists. In the very rural and poor Northern Province, for example, all of the participants were black. One of the men warned at the end of the second day that he thought GETNET was targeting Africans arid seeking to "brainwash" them into giving up their culture in favor of ideas from the West.

He confronted me with not having described how men treat women in the United States.

After I assured him that abuse of women is a global problem, that it occurs in the United States, and that there have been many white participants at other GETNET workshops, he became very supportive-he even asked his union to promote more such trainings.

His reaction and similar responses felt like quite a coup, since many of the men at the workshop were from some of the smaller tribes in South Africa, which have traditionally been more culturally conservative. .The neXt: phase of the work with GETNET will involve training so others will be empowered to run similar workshops. Thus, for example, I co-facilitated a one-day workshop for male staff at the Development Bank of South Africa, and a three-day workshop with an organization that does rural development.

Although in many ways the results from the workshops held so far have exceeded expectations, there have also been many disappointments. One workshop was cancelled when only five of the expected 25 participants appeared. Setbacks are discouraging, but not unexpected in a country struggling with so many other problems.

Moreover, even the men who attend the

workshops will experience numerous setbacks as they return to the environments that shaped their behaviors in the first place.

Nevertheless, the workshops have left partie- 路 ipants with a much greater sense of hope that once men realize how much both genders have to gain from eliminating sexism, they will be eager to join the struggle.

Its worth noting also that a recent issue of the South African feminist journal Agenda is devoted entirely to the topic "The New Men?" There is much in this issue to help nonsexist men network together.

-Ira Horowitz Ira Horowitz is a longtime member of the Men's Resource Center.

Dropping in on Meditation Sitting on zafu pillows in the middle of a spacious room, young people stopping by the Men's Resource Center after school on Wednesdays have an opportunity to learn about meditation and to talk about whats going on in their lives. The group, open to young men and women 14 to 19, is a part of the MRC's youth programs and is facilitated

by Adi Bemak, a stress reduction consultant, teacher and longtime meditator. "The teenage years are for many kids among the hardest," Bemak said. "Meditation can be a great help .'' To learn more about the young people's meditation group, contact Adi Bemak at (413) 253-7918.

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Yoko Kato: Working to End "Silent Violence"

By Rob Okun domestic violence," Yoko believes. "The will listen to her-from Massachusetts to n Japanese , there are no words to men at the MRC are doing their part every japan . describe the abuse that goes on week so I've got to support them, too."

In October, Yoko received the behmd the walls of a family's home, "Every week" refers to the regular Massachusetts Woman of the Year Award so they call it "silent violence." In groups run by the organization's Men of from the Massachusetts Federation November, Yoko Kato returned to her Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) in Business and Professional Women, and native land to break the silence. Her oneseveral locations in the region, including the Massachusetts Woman of Achievement woman m1sswn to educate, and work to the Hampshire County jail and House of Award from Governor Paul Cellucci for eradicate domestic violence was born out Poised to begin its tenth year Corrections. her activism against domestic violence. of the most excruciating of personal of working with men acting abusively in Bringing information about how to pretragedies: five years ago her daughMOVE' s their intimate relationships, ter, Sherry, and grandson, Cednc,, of "compassionate conapproach were murdered by the toddler's frontation" appeals to Yoko . "We father. have to change these men's way of For seventeen days, Yoko crissthinking, but we have to believe crossed japan, tailed by television that they can change." producers and newspaper reporters.

Yoko's challenge in japan didn't most spotlighting domestic violence faze her, despite the obstacles. issues for the first time m the1r "There is no information on domesproud, patriarchal society. Weighted in japanese bookstores ," tic violence down on her JOUrney with packets Yoko reported.

"There is no training of matenals from the Men's for police officers. They won't interResource Center's MOVE barterer on domestic matters," still vene intervention program, case law supbelieving, she says, "that what goes plied by the Northwestern District on behind a family's closed doors Attorney's office, and police protois private." cols provided by the chief's office in For many, japan's awakening to Northampton, Mass .. Yoko was A japanese newspaper wanted a photo of Yoko surrounded by men. h e problem o f d omestlc . VlO 路 lence m 路 t determined not to rest until her their nation began a year ago when a vent domestic violence is the focus of her country awoke to the scourge that is courageous japanese documentary film energies today. domestic vwlence. Never far from her producer came to the U.S. to do a film She closely identifies with the victims consciousness 1s the memory of her lost about domestic violence by telling Yoko's of "silent violence" - most of whom are family "Sherry and Cedn c are my angelsstory. The documentary included powerful women ~nd child~en - but also recognizes they're gu1dmg me," Yoko says. "They footage of men in a MOVE group talking the vital role men have to play. To that have no voice so l have to be their voice." to Yoko about their histories with violent end, she has taken her stand against this To that end , Yoko has devoted her life to and abusive behavior. After the film crew malevolent epidemic from, among other speaking out to community groups, hosreturned to japan, Yoko says she gained venues, a spot on the Board of Directors pital workers, bar associations, business some insight into how resistant the maleof the Men' s Res~urce Center (MRC). organizations, colleges and umversities , controlled japanese media is to acknowl"Men must do all they can to stop churches, temples, and anyone else who edging "silent violence." Yoko was told to speak on camera in English only, despite Are you buried in STUFF? her fluency in her native tongue . "They call didn't want women to identify too closely Cluttered work spaces driving you crazy? with me," Yoko says, "and speaking English路instead of japanese kept me one Files and bills out step removed from the women." of control?

Yoko reported that while there are a Closets overflowing? few battered women's shelters in the counGa rage a mess?

Leslie Arr-iola, Ed.D try, no one goes because they are too Impossible deadlines? ashamed. In 1995, the most recent year in which figures were available, 101 women and 138 children were killed. In a survey The perfect gift for the /Jerson who hos conducted in the past year, of the women

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Voice Male

who agreed to participate one in three said they had been beaten by their husbands 路or male partners. "But so many more wouldn't even talk to the survey taker," Yoko said.

Just days before she left, two Japanese newspapers contacted Yoko requesting she supply them Wlth photograph of herself surrounded by a group of men from the MRC. When asked why, Yoko replied, "lnJapan men make all the decisions. To see a woman in the center of a meeting as an equal with men is unheard of." The sexism that defines so mucr of Japanese society was under Yoko's careful scrutiny during her stay, but she says she was heartened by the level of support she felt from her Japanese ststers and some male alhes.

In her packet from the Men's Resource Center was a letter from executive director Steven Botkin, written to men and women interested in seeing work similar to that being undertaken by the MRC replicated in Japan. It read in part: "We are very happy that you are interested m our work here m the United States. We know there is much we can learn from each other.... We see a tremendous need for leadership that supports men, individually and collectively, to change our relationships away from rigidity. domination and abuse, and toward liberation. equality and non-violence.

Over the past 16 years the Men's Resource Center has been doing this work. It is the dual nature of our mission - supporting men and challenging 路violence - that is one of the most baste mgredients of our success By putting these two goals together men can feel respected and involved in changing the harmful conditions of our lives .. .. We very much want to support your work in Japan. I hope the information we are sending with Yoko Kato will be helpful to you.

With Yoko as an ambassador for the MRC, the prospects, of men and women working as allies to end domestic violence seems a little more attamable. For those who wish to acknowledge Yoko's work contributions can be made to the Memorial Scholarship Fund of Sherry Morton and her son Cedric, do Fashions

by Yoko, 231 Main St. , Northampton, Mass. 01060.

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Voice Male

A Men's Resource Center in New Mexico

"If We Build It, They Will Come"

By Paul Zelizer . came to Taos in 1993, drawn by the beauty of the place and its people. I was excited by the richness of its culture and history. I also noticed the paradox of ,violence in such a magical setting. There were flyers posted around town for a woman who was missing. She was never found . Shortly thereafter, another woman was found in the hills near Taos, brutally raped and murdered .

Before I came to Taos, I had been deeply involved in the Mens Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. I was a staffmember in Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE), the MRCs batterer treatment program. I was also on the steering committee.

Once here, I started to dream about starting a Mens Resource Center in northern New Mexico.

In 1995. Carlos Arguello invited me to join a new mens group . We agreed that we wanted a group that "looked like Taos."

The population of Taos is roughly 55 percent Hispanic, 37 percent Anglo, 5 percent Native American, and 3 percent "Other."

Past mens groups in Taos were mostly white.

Our diverse group met for a year and a half. We shared our histories, supported each other through good and hard times, and learned about the gender training men get. Then we each got busy with other things and stopped meeting.

In the fall of 1997, Carlos and 1 reconnected. We brought in Brian Sanchez, another member of our disbanded group, and decided that northern New Mexico needed a more organized resource center for men. We also agreed that this center w.ould have three equally Important purposes: to build a multicultural men's community, to build more support for men in northern New Mexico, and to address mens violence .

This was scary for us. People like to deny that racism exists here, or that there are conflicts among the regions three strong and visible cultures, but we knew that relationships among these cultures are often.tense. While we saw a real need for more support for men, we knew that there is a strong emphasis on individuality here .

Finally, we knew that mens violence is a

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serious problem. New Mexico is rankeq number two in the nation in sexual assault rates. Domestic violence, child abuse, and violent crime rates are also high. The problems seemed overwhelming at times; during the time we. met a highly respected community member killed his wife and himself.

We asked each other: what if there were more support for men? Could a Mens Resource Center help prevent other men from perpetrating such路 violence? Would other men respond as positively as we had?

We decided to try We half-jokingly repeated to each other, "If we build it, they will come."

We approached Community Against Violence, the local battered women$ andrape crisis organization. We talked, listened to each other, shared ideas. They became excited and agreed to sponsor us while we got started. They also helped us get a small grant from the state.

With those monies, we asked the Mens Resource Center of Western Massachusetts to design a training for us. Rather than reinvent the wheel, we wanted to learn from its 16 years of experience. The MRC training included 16 men and 12 "women as allies." We shared personal stories. We learned about racism and sexism. We bonded. Our center was born.

In January 1998 our Youth Education Program began with workshops on "Respect and Abuse in Relationships," "Sexual Harassment," "Healthy Masculinity," and "Date Rape." More than 650 youth and adults have attended to date .

In June , we began offering a Drop-In Support Group. Sixteen men came the first night! As a result of group demand, we have gone from a twice-a-month format to every week.

Our Men Overcoming Violence Program works as a follow-up group for men who complete basic batterers' treatment and helps explore ways to improve a coordinated response to battering.

We also do trainings and sponsor events such as October's "Celebration of Men in Northern New Mexico."

continued on page 12 9

Domestic Violence - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - -- - - - - By Sara Elinoff

What's a Nice Feminist Like Me Doing in a Place Like This?

Believing That Abusive Men Can Change n 1985, I took a job as the hotline coordinator for a battered women:S shelter in Burlington, Vermont. This job was a profound expression of my 路commitment and politics as a feminist. I had been a women:S studies major in college and had worked after college in a feminist health clinic. The epidemic of male violence against women and children greatly distressed me and I was grateful for the opportunity to actually do something about it.

We received hundreds of calls a year from women who were virtual hostages in relationships where they were physically and emononally abused and violated, economically disempowered and spiritually undermined every single day of their lives.

Whatever innocence l had I lost at that job. I heard the mos.t horrible stories of the outrageous violations that women suffered at the hands of their partners. I heard about children who were sexually abused by their fathers , step-fathers or mother~路 boyfriends.

My heart ached and raged for these women and their children. Our organizations mandate was clear-to help these women know that they did not deserve to be treated this way by anyone, that it wasn't their fault and that we were here to help them get free .

In my organization, and in the battered women$ movement in general in the mideighties, the prevailing attitude about barterers was cut and dried. These were men who benefited profoundly from their power and control over the women and children in thetr lives. The prospect that these men would be willing to give up that power, to transform their abuse and enter into more egalitarian relationships with their family 路 members, was extremely unlikely Why would an abuser, who is getting everything he wants from his ability to dominate his partner through control and fear, ever want to change the power dynamics of his relationship? Batterers had too much to gain from being abusive. We believed that most abusers wouldn't stop their abuse unless they were incarcerated. Batterers' programs were a lost cause-and a waste of valuable resources that should be going to the battered women's movement instead. In addition, these programs gave women false and dangerous hop~s about their relationships.

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We felt it was our responsibility to warn the women we worked with that the chances of their batterer becoming nonabusive were so slim that they most likely would need to leave the relationship if they wanted an abuse-free life.

Back then, if someone had told me that in a decade I would be working in a batterers' intervention program, with former batterers as colleagues whom I respect and

MOVE Partner Services Coordinator Sara Elinoff admire, and that I would be a staunch believer in the ability of some abusive men to profoundly transform themselves into non-violent men, I probably would have been very insulted. Or maybe l would have laughed. Certainly, l would have inet su~h a prediction with extreme disbelief. But here I am, in my seventh year as the parmer services coordinator for the Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) at the Men's Resource Center. And yes, I do believe with all my heart that a batterer who dedicates himself completely to a healing process, who is willing to take full responsibility for his abuse, leaving no stone untumed, and who is prepared to make a long-term commit~ ment to getting help is capable of changing his attitudes. his behavior, his relationships, his entire life. This kind of profound change doesn't happen for the majority of the men who walk through our program doors. Some of the men make some changes, some make路 none at all. But this transformation does happen. I have seen it. I have met these men. I have talked to their partners and I know it

is possible.

How did I get to this place, this new way of looking at men who are abusive? To arrive here, I had to be willing to reexamine and rework some of the core paradigms that have shaped my analysis of domestic violence. I had to trust that I could hold on to my feminist politics, my understanding of sexism and nusogyny and its devastating impact on women and children, and still make room for another truth - the truth of men's distorted development and behavior in a sexist, gendered culture, and the damage that this has created for men. I had to embrace the truth that abusive men (and all men) both simultaneously benefit from and are hurt by the ways males are socialized in our society I began to believe that abusive men are truly capable of change. And that it is in their best interest to change, not only their behavior, but their whole idea about what it means to be a man.

In 1991, I had the opportunity to meet and interview a Northampton couple, Scott and Nancy Girard, for a public television special I was working on with my partner.

We wanted to do a feature on domestic violence that showed what can happen when an abuser takes responsibility for his behavior and seeks help. Scott had been attending the MOVE program for about a year, and both he and his wife were courageous enough to allow us to mterview them for a nationally broadcast television show. During my meeting with Nancy, I realized how important it was that she be able to talk to other women whose partners were going through the MOVE program. From that meeting, the idea of services for parrners.at MOVE was born.

When I established the Parmer Services component of MOVE in the fall of 1992, Nancy joined the first parrners' group Six years later, the group still meets. During that time, dozens of women have had a safe and supportive place to talk about their relationships, how they and their children have been affected by the abuse and whether their p~rtners can really make substantive changes. I've seen many of these women leave their relationships after realizing that their parmers could not stop being abusive or controlling, even with the intervention of Voice Male

the MOVE program. And I have seen other women whose relationships were transformed and healed.

Over the years that I've been working at MOVE, some of my ideas about batterers and battering have been challenged. One of the basic paradigms that I have begun to question is the idea that batterers only benefit from being able to maintain control in their relationships. Certainly, on many levels, batterers do benefit from maintaining the abuse. But how can someone "benefit," on the deepest level, when his children are afraid of him, when his wife has withdrawn completely from him, when his marriage is disintegrating, when his tendency towar:d ' violence alienates his coworkers, or gets him arrested, or lands him in jail? How can men "benefit" when their abusiveness has resulted in a higher incidence of heart disease, alcoholism, depression and suicide? On the most fundamental human level an abuser does not benefit from being abusive . All of the gains received by being abusive come with an enormous price tag for the people he loves and for himself.

Domestic violence literature describes batteters as being all-powerful, manipulative and entitled. On one level this is true . But something else is going on as well, which has more to do with fear than with power.

In order to understand the complexity of the dynamics of battering, we must be willing to I maintain kind of "double viSiOn" -to simultaneously hold two ideas that seem contradictory but ultimately 路are not.

The abuse, the control, the power-over tactics, the explosive anger, are all part of a programmed repertoire of masculinity that has caused immense damage to women and children. Yet these behaviors also hurt men.

It is a mask of behaviors and attitudes that often obscures a very different reality- a reality of someone who may feel so isolated, so afraid of his vulnerability and locked into a damaging construct of masculinity that the only way he can cope IS by overpowering others. As young boys, males in our culture are quickly taught lessons about how to cope with fear. vulnerability and the threat of violence The solution prescribed by our culture is for them to "get tough"-to dominate others or risk being dominated. There is an essential 'link between an inner experience of powerlessness and the development of power-over behavior.

Working with batterers requires an ability 1

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continued on page 24

, Voice Male

Open House September 12, 1998

Executive director Steven Botkin, left, and associate director Rob Okun, prepare to hang the MRC's new sign at the open house for the mens cen: ter's new budding. ,

stw111ill,~ IIC\\ .\(~'' \\lL\ <OII<Ci\i路clullcl pui11tnl /Jv arti.\1 ni< lu11 d Di 1\lattco.

The MnC\

State representative Ellen Story, top right, and Carol Wallace, left, executive director of the Everywoman's Center were among the speakers at dedication ceremonies.

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continued from page 9

A Men's Center in New Mexico: "If We Build It, They Will Come"

INTEGRITY DEVELOPMENT AND CONSTRUCTION '

RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION CALL US FOR A FREE CONSULTATION

413-549-7919 12

Our work is just beginning and we have much to learn still about building a multicultural men's community. Mens violence remains a very serious problem. We are still engaged in dialogue about appropriate responses.

In less than a year, the Mens Resource Center of Northern New Mexico has grown from an idea into a strong, active presence in our community. The reward for our work is the look in the eyes of a man leaving a support group saying, "that was incredible." Its knowing we are creating a healthier, less violent masculinity for our young people. And it is satisfying to do this work in one of the most culturally rich, creative, unique, violent, bea,utiful, and impoverished communities in the country.

Paul Zelizer; former steering committee and staff member of the MRC of Western Massachusetts, is currently director of the . MRC of Northern New Mexico.

Voice Male

Dedication A New Beginning

State representatives Steve Kulik; and Ellen Story, left in center, and State Sen. Stan Rosenberg, right, unveil the MRCsign.

The MRC's new home on North Pleasant Street in Amherst, Mass.

Men and women ·join hands in a blessingfor the MRC.

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13

By Martin Espada

Men's Work

"Macho," Mongo, and the Men's use to define sexism and violence, no particular ethnic or racial group was implicated by language itself. "Macho," especially as employed by Anglos, is a Spanish word that particularly seems to identify Latino male behavior as the very standard of sexism and violence. This connection, made by Anglos both intuitively and explicitly, then justifies a host of repressive measures against Latino males, as our presence on the honor roll of many a jail and 1prison will attest.

Sometimes, of course, the perception of macho volatility turns deadly. I remember, at age fifteen, hearthe men:S be movement wouldn't so proud of 路 路路路 ing about a friend of ns own ignorance. The my father:S, Martin blatant expropriation of "Tito" Perez, who was Native American sym"suicided" in a New bols and rituals by cerYork City jail cell. A tam factions of the grand jury determined movement leaves me that it is possible for a with a twitch in my man to hang himself face . What should with his hands cuffed Puerto R1can men do in behind him. response to this coloW):lile Latino male nizing definition of behavior is, indeed, all maleness, particularly too often sexist and considering the presviolent, Latino males in ence of our indigenous this country are in fact Taino blood? no worse in this regard I remember watchthan their Anglo counActivist and poet Martin Espada . . ing one such men's terparts. Arguably, movement ritual, on European and public television I European -American believe , and becoming infuriated males have set the world standard for because the lead drummer couldn't keep violence in the twentieth century, from a beat. I imagined myself cloistered in a the Holocaust to Hiroshima to Vietnam. tent with some Anglo accountant from Yet, any assertiveness on the part of the suburbs of New Jersey who was Latino males, especially any form of stripped to the waist and whacking a resistance to Anglo 'authority, is labeled drum with no regard for rhythm, differ"macho" and instantly discredited. I . ence being that I could hear Mongo recall one occasion, working for an Santamaria in my head, and he couldn't. "alternative" radio station in Wisconsin, r am torn between hoping that the men's when I became involved _in a protest over movement reforms itself by the time my the station's refusal to air a Spanish-lanson reaches adulthood . or that it assimiguage program for the local Chicano lates. Its language going the way of community. When a meeting was held tb Esperanto. debate the issue, the protestors, myself Another habit of language which I included, became frustrated and staged a hope is extinct by the time Clemente walkout. The meeting went on without reaches adulthood is the Anglo use of us , and we later learned that we were the "macho ." Before this term ca~e into defended, ironically enough, by someone nevitably, we try to envision the next century. Will there be a "men's movement" in twenty years, when my son [Clemente] is an adult? Will it someday alienate and exclude Clemente, the way it has alienated and excluded me? The counterculture can be as exclusive and elitist as the mainstream: to be kept out of both is a supreme frustration. I do not expect the men's movement to address its own raCism m depth. The self-congratulatory tone of that movement drowns out any significant self-criticism. I only wish that

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Mov~ment

who saw us as acting "macho." "It's their culture," this person explained apologetically to the gathered liberal intelligentsia.

We got the program on the air.

Excerpted from "The Puerto Rican Dummy and the Merciful Son," in Zapata:S Disciple: Essays by Martin Espada (Cambridge, MA: South End Press).

Copyright 1998 by Martin Espada. Used with permission.

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Voice Male

By Michael Dover

Hate Crimes

Against the-Wall: From Russia to Wyoming never knew my maternal grandparents. They died when my mother was eight, in 1920 or 1921, during the Russian civil war. My grandfather died of typhoid fever, not uncommon in those times. My grandmother's death 路 was also not rare: she was murdered in a pogrom. This was part of my family mythology. I knew from an early age how my grandmother died, and the simple reason: she was a jew, and jews were often targets of sudden, savage violence.

Then, in my twenties, another startling fact emerged. One sunny Sunday afternoon, during a family party in our backyard, my mother's older sister asked, almost casually, "Frances, do you remember when we were lined up against a wall to be shot?"

I was stunned, but the story came out with little apparent emotion. Sometime before the attack that killed their mother, the two girls were part of a group that was swept up in another attack As they were standing against the wall, so the story went, someone knocked over an oil lamp, which started a fire , and in the confusion they escaped. By such a slim margin did I come to exist.

My grandmother was a victim of what we now call a "hate crime ." By losing her, my mother and her sisters were victims as welL At the time , though, it wasn't a crime. On the contrary. For many centuries, across Europe and in czarist Russia, killing jews was condoned, even encouraged by civil and religious authorities. My parents told me that during the Russian civil war the czarist forces encouraged the Cossacks (for jews, the equivalent of the Ku Klux Klan) to kill jews as a sort of reward for fighting on the anti-Communist side. Until the middle of this century, the Roman Catholic Church held to the doctrine that the jews were collectively responsible for the killing of Christ. a teaching that often led directly to pogroms instigated from the pulpit. The Holocaust, then, was not an aberration; it was the logical conclusion, the systematization of what had gone on before.

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Voice Male

The recent-killings obn AfricanAmerican man in Texas, ~ gay man in Wyoming, and an abortion provider in New York, and the calls for action against hate crimes led me to think of my family history and what it might tell me about these terrible acts. Is there any connection between the events of 1921 and those of 1998?

As the grandson of a hate-crime victim,, I want to see instigators held responsible for the crimes their words encourage.

My answer speaks to those who would say that there are already laws on the books against murder and harassment, that laws against hate crimes are unnecessarily redundant. There is a reluctance on some lawmakers' part to single out these crimes based on motivation. As I consider my grandmothers death, I realize that what makes her killing different from an "ordinary" murder is no.t the motivation, but the approval that her killers expected from their superiors, perhaps from their church, and certainly from their compatriots . Hate crimes are crimes of ideology J'hey are crimes encouraged, perhaps even re~arded, by others. European antiSemitism was accepted, taught, promoted by people in authority. In a word, hate crimes are political, in the same way that acts of terrorism are politicaL Today, the perpetrators of hate crimes hear the voices of the so-called Christian Right, and those conservatives in government who kowtow to them, railing against homosexuality as a crime against God and nature. They hear not only the neo-Nazis but supposedly mainstream politicians attacking affirmative action as conferring privilege on people of color.

They hear the antiabortion movement verbally assaulting conscientious women's health providers as "baby killers." When the rhetoric is full of rage, when people in authority ~ncourage the dehumanization of those with whom they disagree, is it

any wonder that some who hear them act . out that rage on those they have demonized?

As the grandson of a hate-crime victim, I want to see such instigators held responsible for the crimes that their words encourage. As a civil libertarian, however, I know that censorship or punishment of speech is a danger to us alL 路I'm left with two responses that seem appropriate. Both are political responses to an essentially political challenge. First, I believe that laws against hate crimes do serve a purpose. In the passage of such laws, and in their investigation and prosecution, we speak collectively as a society to deny the approval that perpetrators expect. Second, hate speech needs to be consistently and thoroughly confronted whenever and wherever it occurs. I was glad to hear that the Christian Coalition condemned the Wyoming killing, but that doesn't get them off the hook Their con- _ tinuing diatribe agai~t the gay community must be exposed for the instigation to violence that it is. Anti-immigrant and antidiversity rhetoric demands a similar response . We must not silence such speech by law, but we may be able to transform it tprough dialogue or, if necessary, shame it into oblivion. Never again should racist or homophobic or misogynistic incitement go unchallenged.

The terrible news is that these crimes happen and will continue to happen, until we can stop those who create the political opening for such things to happen. There is good news, though: we can name the victims. In earlier times, no one could name all the victims of hateinspired violence. No one kept a list of all the African Americans who died at the hands of the Klan, or of the gays and lesbians killed by the 路Nazis, or of the numberless generations of jews who suffered before the Holocaust. The fact that, at least in this country, we know the names of todays victims is a sign that these crimes are rarer than in those earlier times. But we cannot rest until there are no more names to add to the list, until no one need wonder what happened to his or her grandparent.

15

Sexuality

By Michael Greenebaum

On Being Bisexual verybody knows two things about being bisexual: no one is; everyone is. I know one thmg: I am.

I'll come to that m a moment.

F1rst, a few words about what everybody knows.

No one is bisexual. It's a dodge , a scam. It's a way for gay men and women to hide behind the security and privileges of the straight world Or, conversely, 1t allows straight men and women to mdulge the1r secret same-sex fantasies and still go home to their unknowmg spouses.

Basically, we are either gay or stra1ght. m the closet or out. 路we are creatures of our biology and our genetic makeup.

Everyone is bisexual. The famous Kinsey Scale has "0" at one end and "6" at the other. A "0" is absolutely straight, without the slightest interest in or inclination toward same-sex relauonships. A ''6" is utterly gay, without any Interest in or mclination towards heterosexuality. These are the limiting conditions, which very few people fall into. In between are all the ls.

2s , 3s, 4s and 5s- vmually all of us. The ls and 2s may be secure m the1r heterosexuality but occasionally -experience same-sex fantasies or curiosities. The 5s are happily lesbian or gay but acknowledge some feelings for the opposite sex. In the middle, 3s and 4s find themselves pulled m two directions simultaneously; for some this 1s a delight., for others a source of angmsh.

I think we should put all of that aside Some people are straight, wnhout any interest m same-sex relationships or actJVl.ties , bm there are lots of ways of being straight. Similarly; some people are gay, but there are lots of ways of being gay, lots of variation in gay sexuality Some people are bisexual, and 1 am one of them Bxsexuals have the capac1ty to be aroused by, and often the desire to enjoy bemg sexual With, both men and women .

That reahzanon. wh1ch occurred toward the end of my fifth decade , clarified a lot 路 of my personal h1story Miraculously, when I realized it, a debilitating skm condition which had been painful for over ten years disappeared. It meant that the coping strategies l had devised dunng those earlier epochs in my life-when 1 first was asexual because 1 feared what sex might say about me, when my first great adoles-

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cent passwn fo r a boy told me what nobody wanted to hear, when my marriage allowed me to imagine myself straight , and when. as my marriage became troubled and then dissolved, I tried unsuccessfully to be gay-were all ways of hiding my true nature from myself. I am not straight.

I am not gay. 1 am bisexual.

For me, at least, that does not mean that 1 am pulled m two directions; I am not confused about my sexual orientation .

(I think I can say that confidently, having hved in confusion and deceit about it for over half a century.) It does mean that 1 have some choices to make, not about my sexuality, but about how it expresses itself.

For the past two years 1 have participated in support groups at the Men's Resource

Center. The first was designed specifically for bisexual men . The second is for gay and bisexual men , trarisgendered individuals , and men questioning their own sexuality. These groups have been important to me; for the first time in my life I have been comfortable among men. (I even survived the shock of discovering that gay men, too, watch football. ) Both groups amply illustrate the ways路 in which bisexuality expresses itself. Some bisexual participants have been or are married; some spouses know about and others do not know about their husbands' sexuality. Some men have left marnages but retain strong feelings of love for their former wives while needing space to figure out the new direction their lives should take. Some have decided on this new direction and have chosen to live as gay men. Many live with the pain of knowing that they have caused pain in

loved ones. Some live with the fear that they may some day cause pain.

Some bisexual men need to have sex, but not an emotional relationship, with both men and women. Others find themselves open to sex and/or relationship with either men or women but do not need both at the same time. Some bisexuals clearly differentiate the emotional component of their sexuality from the physical and find that the first leads them in one direction and the second in the other.

Like everybody else, bisexual men experience ebbs and flow~ of their sexual drives and needs . Like everybody else, bisexual men have mixed success in mastering their sexual energy. Like everybody else, bisexual men have lives, interests, and talents that are not at all related to their sexuality.

That last point seems very important to me, but I am not sure that all of the friends I have made through the MRC support groups would agree . Some gay men have a strong desire to live in a gay community. l can understand this as a reaction to the historical and current oppression of gay men and women , and since I love being with gay men and women and since my cultural interests intersect with theirs, I am very grateful that there is a gay community.

I consider myself a strong supporter. But not a member.

And I am not a member of a bisexual community, but I can try to imagine one that I would like to join. It would include both men and women. It wouid be safe and confidential. It would be comfortably intergenerational , providing support for those at both ends of the age spectrum who most need it. Its values would be ' centered in feminism: nurturance, empathy, mutuality. And it would be confidently queer, celebrating the positive and lifeenhancing values of sexual diversity.

Such a community is needed. Without it, We are seen by some of our gay and lesbian friends as too easily passing for straight, too gratefully accepting the privileges of the dominant culture. By some straights, we are seen as willing to engage sexually with "anything that moves" (as the title of the one national bisexual magazine ironically suggests) and as transmitters of STDs. At a time when gays and lesbians are increasingly open and confident about Voice Male

their sexuality. b1sexuals are still largely hidden and secretlve.

Heterosexual privilege is a terrible and heavy burden. Many bisexuals find themselves unable to be true and open with those they love best. Many find that furtive encounters are still the only outlets available to satisfy their same-sex needs.

Those things that everybody knows, with which 1 began this essay, serve to hide us from ourselves.

I am 65. For me, acknowledging my sexuality later in life has been a great blessing. I sometimes speculate about what path my life might have taken had even the concept of bisexuality been available to me in my twenties. But I do not regret the path that it did take. 1 do not regret my marriage and 1 surely do not regret my children. Curiously, my feelings for women, both emotional and physical, have become richer and deeper since I no longer have to hide my emotional and physical responses to men. My sexuality has grown stronger, but it has also taken a more balanced and manageable place in my life.

Recently I have begun to wear around my neck a silver yin-yang pendant. This

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Fathering-------------------------------------------- By Mumia Abu-jamal

Father Hunger Journalist and activist Mumia Abu-jamal has been on Pennsylvania's death row for a decade and a half He is accused of killi,ng a Philadelphia police officer in a controversial case that has attracted a worldwide outpouring of support for the imprisoned writer. A father himself, he writes here of memories of his own father. · t has been over three decades since I have looked into his face , but I find him now, sometimes hidden, in the glimpse of a mirror. He was short of stature, shorter than I at ten years, fully, smoothly bald, with a face the color of walnuts. He walked with a slight limp, and smoked cigars , usually Phillies.

Although short , he wasn't slight, but powerfully built with a thick, though not fat, form. His voice was deep, with the accents of the South wrapped around . each word, sweet and sticky like molasses.

I

Imprisoned writer-activist Mumia Abu-jamal

Often his words tickled his sons, and they tossed them among themselves like prizes found in the depths of a Crakerjack box, words wondrous in their newness , their rarity, their difference from all others.

"Boys! Cut out that tusslin', heah me?" And the boys would stop their rasslin', their bellies near bursting with swallowed, swollen laughter, the word vibrating sotto voce in thier throats: "Tusslin'-tusslin'-tusslin'-tusslin'!

Tusslin'!" For days - for weeks- these silly little boys had a new toy and, with this one word, reduced each other to teary-eyed fits of fall-on-the-floor laughter. "Tusslin'!"

He was a relatively old man when he seeded these sons, over fifty, a,nd because of his age, he was openly affectionate in a way unusual for a man of his time. He 18

kissed them, dressed them, and taught them , by example, that he loved them.

He talked with them. And walked with them. · And walked and walked and walked with them.

"Daaad! I wanna riiide!," I whined.

"It ain't good for you to ride so much, boy. Walkin' is good for ya. It~ good exercise for ya."

Decades later, I would hear that same whine from one of my sons, and my reply would echo my father~ .

His eyes were the eyes of age, so discolored by time they seemed blueish, but there was a perpetual twinkle of joy in them, of love and living. He lived just over a decade into his son's l~fe , and his untimely death from illness left holes in the soul.

Without a father, I sought and found father-figures like Black Panther Captain Reggie Schell, Party Defense Minister Huey P. Newton, and indeed, the Party itself, which, in a period of utter void, taught me , fed me, and made me part of a vast and militant family of revolutionaries. Many good men and women r became my teachers, my mentors, and my examples of a revolutionary idealZayd Malik Shakur, murdered by police when Assata was wounded and taken, and Geronimo ji jaga (a.k.a. Pratt) who commanded the Party's L.A. chapter with distinction and defended it from deadly state attacks until his imprisonment as a victim of a frame-up arid judicial repression-Geronimo, torn from his family and children and separated from them for a quarter of a century.

Here in death row, in the confined sub-stratum of a society where every · father is childless, and every man fatherless, those of us who have known the bond of father-son love may at least relive it in our minds, perhaps even draw strength from it. Those who have not- . the unloved-find it virtually impossible to love. They live alienated from everyone around them, at war even with their own families .

Here in this manmade hell , there are countless young men bubbling with bitter hatreds and roiling resentments

against their absent fathers . Several have taken to the odd habit of calling me "Papa ," an endearment whose irony · escapes them.

It has never escaped me. I realize that I live amidst a generation of young men drunk not only with general loneliness , but with the particular, gnawing anguish of father-hunger. I had my own father; later I had the Party, and Geronimo; Dlebert, Chuck, Mike, Ed, and Phil; Sundiata, Mutulu, and other oldheads like myself. Who have they?

Yet for a long time I resisted the nicknarpe.· I resented being "Papa" to young men I didn't know, while being deniedby decree of state banishment-the opportunity to be a father to the chil. dren of my own flesh and heart. My sons were babies when I was cast into this hell, and no number of letters, cards, or phone calls can ever heal the wounds that they and their sisters have suffered over the long, lonely years of separation.

I was also in denial. For who was the oldhead they were calling? Certainly not me? It took a trip , a trek to the shiny, burnished steel mirror on the wall, where I found my father's face staring back at me , to recognize reality I am he ... and they are me.

Excerpted from "Death Blossoms: Reflections from a Prisoner of Conscience," by Mumia Abu-jamal (Plough Publishing House). Copyright 199Z Reprinted with permission.

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Men & Health

By joe Zoske

·Situation Critical, Prognosis Guarded Men's Health Services Around the World here$ a man to turn, if he'd like to visit a "men's health specialist"? This question has occupied me in the past year as I traveled and surveyed the mens health landscape in the United States and the United Kingdom, and in meetings and conversations with men from Canada and Australia. What follows is a personal account of my discoveries from these travels.

Traditionally, a man is seen by his mternist or family practitioner, who might refer him to a variety of specialists for particular concerns; for example, a urologist for urinary/genital problems, a cardiologist for the heart, a dermatologist for the skin. The urologist comes closest to a men's. health speCialist, given the importance of our genitals, but thats still only a piece of us. Also, each physician's interest, sensitivity, and trammg m.male health is quite individual, regardles of country or specialty of practice However, the interest in mens health is growing, and slowly this branch of medicine is being recognized and entering the main" stream Most contacts with hospitals have put me m touch with female physicians who have a sincere interest in improving care for men From the lessons of the womens health movement, I have found many of these female physicians very gender astute, and eager to see positive change in mens services. However, while the positive model of women's health centers exists in countless settings, the idea of a central source of male health services remains in its infancy.

The notion of a "mens health center" is quite new, and not American m origin. It began m Glasgow m 1984, when the United Kingdoms first "Well-Men Clinic" opened.

The idea began to grow, and nurseS and midwives in particular picked up the cause.

Professionals throughout the country-with one-fifth the U.S. population, and an area smaller than Oregon-networked and lobbied effectively, winning government support The National Health Service (NHS) in 1990 provided direct funding for the ereanon of additional Well-Men Clinics.

However, promotional efforts were inade~ quate, public response was weak, and the NHS pulled .the plug two years later. Now it's left to independent physicians, but, while a few have continued, the momentum is

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Voice Male

gone. One area of continuing support is mens sexuality I spent time with Alan Wood, a sexual health coordinator, paid by the NHS and doing very progressive mens health work throughout England. It's an outgrowth of the 1983 "Men Too" campaign of the Family Planning Association. However, if he leaves his job, it's questionable whether his role would be con. tinued. No one offered evidence of any serious organizing to promote the furtherance of men's health services in the United Kingdom.

The Australian experience is a bit different. They have kept mens health alive at the policy level, although they have the same poor showing at the clinic level. Convening annual conferences, directing government · agencies to develop policy statements, et cetera, has maintained an integrative national dialogue. However, here, too , there has not been the follow-through in services, and innovative government support has been short-lived. Canada lags behind even this .

In the United States, Dr. Ken Goldberg took the lead in 1989, forming the Male Health Center in Dallas. His is a "whole man" approach to care , and his center has not only qualified male-sensitive medical staff, but educators and counselors as well.

He has extended his work into the community and the work site, has a mobile men's health screening van, performs ongoing research, and writes and speaks regularly He remains an outspoken advocate for men's · health needs, and has developed a model that deserves to be replicated. Unfortunately, progress has been extremely slow An illustration: A year ago I visited Celebration Health, a new state-of-the-art medical facility in Celebration, Florida, the planned community Disney built. I was there to discuss mens .health. But in this amazing higli-tech, consumer-oriented complex of in-patient and out-patient services, cardiac rehab and fitness center, dental servfces, and even a women's health center, there was nothing and no one with a partic'\}lar focu!i upon men. Indeed, even with all their mol)ey, brain power, and corporate and government support, mens health was never factored in!

The late 1990s has seen men's health

issues getting more public attention, with, for example, regular media features on prostate cancer, Viagra and male impotence, and consumer books with names like The Black Man's Guide to Good

Health, The Diabetic Man, The Gay Men's Wellness Guide, and The People's Medical Society Men:S Health and Wellness Encyclopedia. However, the medical corpmuriity is lagging behind.

I've yet to discover any significant mens health content in medical schools, but then I '· nutrition, aging, and wellness haven't been common topics in most until fairly recently either. A growing number of specialty centers do exist, but primarily in large urban areas (like New York and Boston), and with an emphasis on reproductive and urological health. · This focus is understandable -given the history of medical training, the technical orientation of health care, and insurance reimbursement for these services. While efforts are becoming more expansive, holistic practice hasn't caught on. Interestingly, the first U. S. conference on men's health in November 1996 had only three dozen attendees. Another planned in Philadelphia for june 1999 may be more successful. . -The 16-year journey of the Men's Resource Center demonstrates the challenges and benefits of long-term organizing, and of holding on to a vision. Regarding men's health, there's still a long road ahead for ourselves and our brothers international. ly. We are on our way, though. With men becoming more informed health consumers, the media's continuing interest in our medical issues, and the demand for better cost management; there is a place for comprehensive, preventive services that address male health. While medical schools will have to catch up , it's important that we insist on responsible health care that understands and cares about our male bodies and lives.

So what are the chances of finding a men's health center in your area soon?

Admittedly, rather poor. The situation is serious, and the prognosis guarded. But research is continuing. Have hope.

joe Zaske is Voice Male health columnist.

19

Notes from Survivors

A Dictionary Not Just for Male Survivors or a variety of reasons , men who are survivors of abuse and trauma rarely publicly discuss either their histories or current issues. This fact is especially true when the abuse includes sexual assault, incest and rape. Why? Because our culture has so heavily stigmatized the idea of the male victim. When men who have been sexually assaulted are alluded to publicly, it is often done in a joking manner. And if a minor or major celebrity goes to prison, there are often derisive comments and winking allusions to the man becoming somebody's "girl" or "wife" during his stay. It is not so much that society is unaware that male survivors exist as much as our collective, cultural decision to ignore and deride what actually happened to these men.

Partly because the culture at large refers to male survivors in this indirect, often smug way, and partly because men who have been traumatized beginning in childhood have a fundamentally different understanding of human relationships, it is often difficult for survivors to communicate well with their supporters, families, friends and caregivers. To address this need, the Men's Resource Center began offering public workshops on being a male survivor of abuse, on being an abusive man, and on being a successf~l supporter and counselor to both types of men.

The initial presentation was made at Hampshire College in 1997, and marked the first time the MRC was able to present the male experience of abuse and . violence across the spectrum-from per.: petrator to victim. The re.Sult wa~ powerful indeed. Scott Girard, a member of the MRC Speakers' Burea~ . shared his chall.enges and successes as a man confronting his own abusive behaviors, and Steven Jacobsen described his experience as a male survivor of childhood abuse, including the various "stages" one might expect to encounter during the healing process.

Out of those gatherings the idea for A Male Survivors Dictionary began to grow. "What struck me from the questions I was asked," says dictionary author

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Steven Jacobsen, "was how frequently I would use common words which had entirely different meanings to me than to the population at large. As a result, I began compiling a list of helpful words and their meanings to 'survivors' as a tool towards helping to provide a better understanding of men who have been victimized."

What follows are excerpted citations from A Male Survivors Dictionary: Safety = Danger Most children learn to feel safe in protective, warm and loving environments. Abused children learn that to feel safe, to be relaxed and off-guard, means making themselves vulnerable to attack. .

Thus our core of safety, from which all of our feelings and expressions would properly spring, is replaced by a core of fear. An adult survivor, when feeling "safe" with someone else, may well immediately interpret that as threatening. This is one reason why survivors . often have problems sustaining healthy relationships with others.

Crisis = Routine What is crisis to you is regular life to us. Because many survivors have been traumatized to the point that pain is almost unrecognizable to us, both psychically and physically, we are often unable to functionally understand what might constitute an "emergency." Does an emergency mean you're feeling suicidal? But what if you've felt suicidal for 10, 20, or 30路years? Obviously, then, feeling suicidal does not qualify as a crisis o~ emergency, because emergencies do not happen every day. Sometimes, crisis and emergencies do happen every day for survivors. So when our caregiver asks us "Are you in crisis?" the question is close to meaningless to us; besides, if we answered yes we'd feel guilty and selfish.

1

Fear = Cowardice For many survivors, fear is the taproot from which all of our emotions spring. When your historical reality suggests that you can be attacked at any time, for any purpose, by any person,

fear is as constant as breathing. ,But to demonstrate that fear is to expose.ourselves to very real dangers, so we learn to subsume any expression of our reality.

Besides, if we as adults were to reveal our fears, we believe that further exposes us as weaklings and cowards to you.

Men are supposed to be strong. We cannot be strong when our knees are knocking in terror. So for many survivors to own our fears is tantamount to emasculation-further proof of our worthlessness.

Victimization = Indoctrination All survivors of chronic abuse and trauma have been subjected to a lengthy course of training, the gist of which has been to diminish or destroy our rights as individuals, and any claim to being individuals worthy of healthy connections to others. Our teachers-our perpetrators-are typically all-powerful, with complete authority and control over us as children. Victims have neither the choice nor the power to question our teachers right to do so. 路 "A Male Survivor's Dictionary does not pretend to be the definitive text on the subject of abuse arid trauma men experience," Jacobsen says. "There are, after all, as many different responses to trauma as there are victimized men. But there is certainly rriuch common ground which we survivors share. Recognizing our 'kinship' in this way can be a powerful support for us. So, in a way, I do not see the Dictionary as providing answers as much as saying, 'Lets talk about the questions, and give 路those questions . names."'

A Male Survivors Dictionary includes a foreword by Sam Ferniano, a longtime member of the MRC Board of Directors and psychotherapist specializing in treating male survivors. With nearly 40 entries, the Dictionary represents infor~ mation gleaned from conversations with more than 200 male survivors Jacobsen has spoken with since 1996. It is available for $5 from the MRC at 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or can be mailed for $2 additional to cover postage.

Voice Male

By joe Zoske

Book Review

Is There Really Male Menopause? almost fundamentalist fervor, he expands sweeping the country Overall, his message the physical changes of mid-life men into a has a distinct retro biology-as-destiny larger concept of a Male Menopause quality Passage. He latches on to this as the single Its easy to fault an author on whats not overriding experience of all mature men, written, but since Diamond paints his topic and the driving force behind all the physiwith an extremely broad brush, it seems cal, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of fair. In particular, he offers no critique of our lives. He links it with men becoming orne authors provide rich, detailed the "youth culture" or the corporate selling · ana~ysis of their topic , while some of fitness which perpetuate disturbing body "Diamond is at his best when disexplore their philosophical or politimage conflicts for men. Nor does he get cussing the concept of 'pseudo-elders, ' ical perspectives. ~~ . ~.---------~ epidemiological and discuss or exploring the masculine meaning in Still others share their per·. · ~· -·-"'· ... "'""" the diverging trends of mid-life of a long-term marriage. sonal JOUrney, hoping their healthier aging for some The farther he roams from these, the storytelling serves an men while poverty, racial weaker is his credibility. " enriching purpose. Jed disparities, Alzheimers disDiamond, unfortunately, ease, and suicide are leaders and healing global issues. At times never dec1ded which book increasing for many other · you'd think he'd found the Holy Grail. he wanted to write. males. He neither discusses Diamond seems to want to make a pass"The psychological and any alternative perspective ing comment on everything to do with the social aspects of the male nor acknowledges male second half of life, and falls short on a sub·mid-life cnslS' have been diversity He would be more stantive core to his book. He teases the emphasized, and less atten?.4\..-::r.:::..=::=~:. ....,.- ~ persuasive if he placed reader with tidbits from his life without tion has been focused on n- c~"- "":..""':::::.;-;':::::;:, boundaries around his themuch expansion, but suggests that his male hormonal rhythms," sis. However, in presenting experience serves as a roadmap to a univerhe writes. His intent to conthe truth, as he sees it, he sal male passage. He quotes extensively tribute to the awakening of ignores variations in mens from famous persons, at one point stringing this perspective is valuable, subcultures, life experience, together successive spiritual quotes from but he takes us on a muddled, meandering health status, socioeconomic conditions, Mother Teresa, Albert Schweitzer, Albert journey which covers much broader and other factors.

Einstein, and Martin Luther King, Jr. terrain .

While Diamonds introduction states The opening sentence has a parenthetithat "hormones tend to decrease with age, cal reference to "(viropause or andropause)" each man is unique and individual levels continued on page 26 - the scientific names for decreasing levels vary widely," this serves more as a disof male hormones (androgens) that naturalclaimer than as a central point. With an ly occur with aging-but he discards their usage. While admitting some initial skeptir------------------ - ~- - , cism about the term, his conclusion is that "male menopause" is "the proper name to describe what all men experience as they move from the first half of life to the second " Indeed, he embraces male menopause as an all-encompassing experiBoltwood Walk • Amherst ence which only starts with hormonal changes. Its presented as a framework for understanding all physical aging, emotional maturing, and psychological growth of men over 40.

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21

RESOURCES. Men's Resources in the Valley & Beyond AI DS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, lowcost housing, and transportation.

Children's Aid and Family Service (41 3) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program tar parents experiencing stress.

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals-

123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM. HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling & Therapy Referral Service (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street, Northampton , MA 01060. Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons.

The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) 254-4444 Brattleboro, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops, and volunteer opportunities. Contact Carey Johnson.

Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Individual , couples and group counseling for all gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people.

Men's Divorce/Separation Counseling (413) 253-7918 Contact: Rob Okun

Men in Relationships a group for 1nen in co1n1nitted relationships toward better partnering Sliding Fee Scale. Call for Brochure.

Call Peter Corbett, LMHC, LCSW at (413) 586-4802

Readv to Change Your Life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychotherapy for:

413-586-7454

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LICSW

Couples - Families Individuals

Offices in Northampton

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D. LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group psychodterapy Therapy groups for male survivors ofchildhood abuse

25 MAIN STREET- NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 413-586-0515

22

e

FAX: 413-584-8903

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EMAIL: PATSAM@jAVANET.COM

Men's Drop-In Group First and third Tuesday 7-8:30 pm, Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men Against Violence First and third Tuesday 5-6 pm, Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men's Therapy Group (413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW Men in Relationships Group (413) 586-4802 Peter Corbett, LICSW For heterosexual men in committed relationships Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England.

The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 University of Mass., Amherst.

A lesbian, bisexual , gay &transgender educational resource center.

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 P.O. Box 181 , Northampton, MA 01 061-0181 . Western Massachusetts' gay social and service organization.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry - (413) 584-6599.

Valuable Families Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes and respects our lesbian, gay and bisexual families of origin and of choice. PO Box 60634, Florence, MA 01062; Valfams@crocker.com Queer Teens- GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports, Hadley for socializing, discussions, and games. (413) 586-0633.

Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield For confidential information about weekly meetings call (413) 739-4342.

Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com National Men's Resource Center National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.10Dbm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro. htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/profem.ht ml Voice Male

RESOURCES Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane .com/frc National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org Magazines Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achllles/issues.html XY:men, sex politics (from Australia) : http://coombs.anu. edu .au/-gorkin/XY/xyi ntro.htm Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Rrevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities .com/Capita IHill/1139/quitporn.html

Volunteers Needed AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for ou r neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed.

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Com munity Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Variety of needs for volunteers at the MRC office. 路

DOUG AREY , LICSW psychotherapy individuals, couples, groups insurance accepted sliding fee scale

MEDIATION Jon E. Kent Divorce, Family, Business

"Transforming Conflict Into Opportunity" 413-586-0512

JonK @igc.apc.org

John Coan Ill Counselor Counseling for gay, bisexual and questioning men as well as their ~amilies, friends and allies.

Offices in Greenfield and Amherst 413-773-7226

WILLIAM P. RYAN. PH.D LIC. PSYCHOLOGIST co-authorof LOVE BLOCKS: BREAKING THE PATTERNS THAT UNDERMINE RELATIONSHIPS 104 MAIN STREET NORTHAMPTON, MA (413) 586-6262

FEES ON SLIDING SCALE

offices in Northampton and Greenfield

(413) 586-7377 or (413) 774-7998

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amherst

Voice Male

256-0772

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Believing That Abusive Men Can Change

to maintain this dual perspective. First and foremost, abusive behaviors and attitudes must be strongly challenged and dismantled.

The Men Overcoming Violence program vigilantly confronts any and all acts of physical and emotional power and control, as well as sexist attitudes toward women. At the same time, we recognize that abusers are often acting out of a faulty and damaging script, centuries old, in which power is defined as "power over another." MOVE teaches about a different kind of power, a "power from within" that does not need to dominate or terrorize or, belittle another human being.

If someone had told me a decade ago that I'd be working in a bafferers' intervention program, I probably would have been insulted-or laughed.

Martin Luther King Jr. taught that we must "hate the sin, but not the sinner."

Likewise in our work, we hold the men accountable for their behaviors while holding out hope for their fundamental goodness - their ability to evolve into gentle, respectful , peaceful men. We are not naive. We realize that many men who abuse will never stop abusmg. But we still believe that it is possible. I have been shocked by how many people who work in this field are fundamentally cynical about the possibilities of abusive men healing. What I believe instead is that a change in consciousness, an awakening, is always available to any of us who are humble and honest epough to admit how we've

been wrong and to commit ourselves to living differentlx.

In September of 1997, a japanese television news station crew came to our community to film a documentary on domestic violence, featuring the story of Yoko Kato (see story on pg. 8) . They filmed a group of MOVE participants talking about their ongoing journeys in overcoming their violence. I stood in the hall and listened as man after man shared his story With shaking voices, they revealed the depth of their abuse and betrayal of the ones they loved. The pain in the room was palpable. One man tearfully talked about his moment of awakening to the truth of his abusiveness-when he really noticed how frightened his children were of him. He cried and the tears sprang from my eyes as well. Then he told how he is slowly but steadily gaming back their trust, and the trust of his wife, through his daily practice of staying nonviolent. He had been coming to the MOVE program for more than three . years, .and he talked about how some of his coworkers now teased him because they sensed he was becoming "different"- no longer a tough guy, but more gentle and vulnerable. He said that in spite of the teasing, in spite of the incessant pressure to "act like a man," his path was clear. He was intent on saving his family and saving himself. The MOVE program was a turning point in his life and, for the first time ever, he was proud of the man he was becoming.

That night I found myself wishing the battered womens advocates I have worked with 0\:'er the years could have witnessed this extraordinary group. We often feel so

hopeless about ever being able to end the family violence that has plagued our world for centuries. Listening to these men share with absolute sincerity and depth the transformative process they've been engaged in has made me feel hopeful. I know they represent only a minority of the men we work with and that many others go on abusing after they've left the program. Still, these men help rp.e to believe that the chain of violence can be broken by the ones who have been violent. · Now, when somebody asks me "Whats a nice feminist like you doing in a· mens organization?" I answer that I work at the Men's Resource Center because it is a feminist organization that holds out the vision that men can change. Its im organization that recognizes that to create a nonviolent world, men must change. To help that to occur, we must all tirelessly confront men's violence while simultaneously speaking to men's pain. Through this dual approach, transformation happens. I have witnessed it.

We know that the healing of violence has to happen on all levels--from the individual to the family to the culture at large. This is work we must do together as men and women. I am thankful to have found a place with my brothers to do jus~ that.

Sara Elinoff is a longtime f eminist activist who founded the .Partner Services Program at the Men 's Resource Center in 1992. She welcomes further dialogue on the issues raised in this article. Write her; care of MOVE, at 236 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst, Mass. 01002.

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Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men 's Group- 7- 9 p.m . Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors of Childhood Abuse ·- 7 - 8:30 p.m. Friday evenings at the MRC. Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse. · Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientatipn.

FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available - lawyer referrals, parenting

guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences, as well as group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated or divorced, gay, step, adoptive a!).d other fathers.

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP) · High School Education Project (HEP) : We train adult men to present workshops for area high schools on issues such as sexual harassment, date rape, creating healthy relationships, masculinity and sexism. We also provide ongoing young men's leadership programs and support groups. · Mentor Advocates for Respect and Safety (MARS): In collaboration with the Everywornan's Center, we train college and high school males to be mentors to junior high males with a particular focus on sexual assault prevention education. · Alternatives to Detention: We lead after-school programs for junior high school students on respect, violence prevention and healthy relationships.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. · Baszc Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, and Springfield.

· Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton, Amherst and Belchertown. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals' and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections. · Teen Groups: A lO week MOVE group for young men (ages 1419) who have been violent or abusive to others. · Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available. · Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJEC't A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAl:. SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and ·resource files are available to all MRC members.

TRAINING AND CONSULTATION Training and consultation is available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available.

VOICE MALE Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity.

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CALENDAR january 7 Fathers and the Law: "Joint Custody and Parenting Agreements" 7-8:30 PM at the MRC. $5 for MRC members, $10 for non-members

February 4 Fathers and the Law: "Understanding the Emotional Impact of Separation on Children" ' 7-8:30 PM at the MRC. $5 for MRC members , $10 for non-members

january 10, 17, 31st, February 7 Fathers Brunch: 11 am-12:30 pm Gathering for fathers . Bagels, support and good conversation . $3 for MRC members, $5 for non-members

February 25 Men and Racism Film and Discussion 7-9:30 PM at the MRC. "Looking for Langston": see Voice Male back page.

Donation requested

·january 26 Creating and Maintaining an Intimate Relationship 7-9 PM. An 8-week course in relationship education taught by Irene Abramms , assisted by Gabor Lukacs. Registration through Amherst Leisure Services 256-4065

january 28 Men and Racism Film and Discussion 7-9:30 PM at the MRC. "The Color of Fear": see Voice Male back page.

Donation requested

February 26-28 Rhode Island Men's Gathering 7th annual; contact Cheryl Conti- (401) 397-3304 x6043 or email: urieec@uriacc .uri. edu

March 4 Fathers and the Law: "Restraining Orders and Custody" 7-8:30 PM at the MRC. $5 for MRC members, $10 for non-members

March 12-14 7th National American Men's Studies Conference "Men's Studies 1999: Looking Back, Looking Ahead," Vanderbilt University, Nashville, Tennessee. Contact - David Robinson voice: (330) 782-2736, fax: (330) 782-0567, email: djrobins@ cc.ysu.edu or drobi619ll@aol.com

March 25 Men and Racism Film and Discussion 7-9:30 PM at the MRC. "Killer of Sheep": · see Voice Male back page. Donation requested April29 Queerfest A day-long GLBT community pride festival to be held at the University of Massachusetts. Performers wanted. Contact the Pride Alliance (413) 545-0154 For MRC events, call (413) 253-9887.

continued from page 21

Hungry?

Subway of Amherst offers fresh 6" and footlong subs, delicious salads and, for smaller appetites, 4" round sandwiches.

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4 Main Street, Amherst • 256-1919 Sunday- Thursday 10 am- Midnight Friday & Saturday 10 am- 2 am 26

Is There Really Male Menopause?

Diamond is at his best when discussing the psychocultural concept of "pseudoelders," or when exploring his story of finding masculine meaning in mid-life, as a middle-class white male, in a long-term marriage to a strong mid-life woman. The · farther he roams from these, the weaker is his credibility.

The journey of a mans body through life is deseiving of attention and analysis.

Background research for this review revealed scientific references that cite an , approximate 15 percent incidence rate of men with significant hormonal imbalance where hormonal replacement therapy may be indicated. While Diamond adds awareness. to the need for men and professionals to consider the significance of this, his leaps of logic get tiresome. And while useful content can be found in Male Menopause, its easily located in numerous other sources.

"I can't tell you how much time I've wasted questioning myself," he says at one point. Readers should ask themselves if sharing that experience with him is worth their time.

Voice Male .

j

MRC PRESS ANNOUNCES THE PUBLICAT ION OF

Take This Quiz:

A Male Survivor's Dictionary Compiled by Steven Jacobsen IVIRC ComlllUillty Outreach Coorcilllator IVlfiJ a fore1vord by Sam Fenl!ano. Eel d. T!7.d

If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem with abuse. At Men Overcoming Violence, we can help you evaluate your situation. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff.

We can help.

MOVE

AP""'""'"'

ct • Tile fi!Jen·s Resource Center of Western fliJJssactwsetts

Men Overcoming Violence

available through the Men's Resource Center.

236 North Pleasant St.. Amherst 253-9887. and at many bookstores.

Shipping and handling $1.25

ort-Open to All Men GeneraI Supp sundays 7-9 p.m.

(413) 253-9588

Surv_ivors of Childhood Abuse Fndays 7 p.m.-8:30p.m.

Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered,· Questioning Group Mondays 7 p.m.-9:00 p.m .

. Voice Male

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BACK PAGE

New Programs at the MRC • Fathers and the Law: a monthly workshop series led by jenny Daniell (attorney) and Rob Okun (counselor and MRC staff) beginning in january 1999, held from 7- 8:30 PM on the first Thursday of each month. $5/session for MRC members, $10 for non-members.

• January 7 -Joint Custody and Parenting Agreements • .February 4 - Understanding the Emotional Impact of Separation on Children · • March 4- Restraining Orde rs and Custody • Fathers Brunch: a four-Sundays gathering for fathers to share food and conversation about the joys and challenges of fatherhood- january 10, 17, 31, and February 7 from 11-12:30. $3 MRC members, $5 non-members .

• Men and Racism: a monthly film and discussion series beginning in january 1999 on the last. Thursday of each month from 7 -9:30 PM. $5/session donation requested from non-MRC

members.

• january 28 - The Color of Fear: a groundbreaking film about the state of race relations in America as seen through the eyes of eight men of various ethnicities. During the three days they spend together they reveal the pain and scars that racism has caused them, the defense mechanisms they use to survive, their fears of each other, and their hopes for and visions of a multicultural society.

• February 25 - Lookingfor Langston: a tribute to Langston Hughes, this film attempts to reclaim him as an important black gay voice in Ameriq m culture.

• March 25 - Killer of Sheep: shows the struggle of an African American slaughterhouse worker to survive economic and social obstacles.

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