Voice Male Winter 2000

From the Editor

By Rob Okun

Supporting Men and Challenging Violence

Can You Feel the Shift? ometimes manifestations of cultural and social transformation take center stage in sweeping, impossible-to-ignore events like Woodstock 30 years ago. More often, though, soc1al change that impacts everyday consciousness comes more gradually and in settings far less dramatic. From my perch at the Mens Resource Center, I have felt the shift several times over the last few months. I felt it when 200 men signed on to a full-page ad the MRC placed in a daily newspaper decrying the masculine culture of violence. The ad was a response to a local jury's unconscionable "not guilty" verdict in a blatant case of homophobia (the ad is reprinted on the back cover) . I felt it again a few days_later when the Daily Hampshire Gazette, the newspaper in which the ad appeared, ran a front-page story about men challenging the masculine culture of violence. A reporter called several of those who signed the ad and described their efforts to unlearn the masculine culture of violence and to teach alternatives to it. The message the ad was delivering was news and, to their credit, the newspaper recognized it as such.

I felt the shift after the tragic murder of jean Hosmer, shot to death by her estranged husband, William Bernotas (who killed himself as well), in a parking lot between the police station and the courthouse where she had just renewed a restraining order against him. (The murder and its impact are written about several times in this issue, including the eloquent commentary by MRC Board Chair Michael Dover, versions of which were published in the Springfield, Mass. Sunday Republican and broadcast on WFCR public radio. See page 11 .) Our allies at Necessities/Necesidades, the multi-faceted battered-women$ agency in Northampton, reached out to the MRC right away ~o plan the vigil held the day after the murder in a powerful sign of collaboration and inclusion. While the burden of the masculine culture of violence is still a heavy load, it is lightened by the culture of connection more and more men are feeling with women and women's organizations like Necessities/Necesidades.

I felt the shift after a rash of rapes and assaults by men aga~nst women befell area campl.)ses. Our longtime allies at the Everywoman:S Center (based at the University of Massachusetts) invited the MRC to plan and participate in the rallies that sprang up in response. MRC Youth Dialogue co-director Mark Ribble was a key organizer and a strong voice, among a large contingent of men, who spoke out against the masculine culture of violence (See Marks article, Why Rape is a Mens 2

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Issue, on page 10.)

I felt the shift in December when I sat with hundreds of students and community members at the UMass-Amherst campus for a presentation on what men can do to prevent sexual assaults against women. Precautions to protect women must be strengthened; thats for sure. But the feeling of the shift came from noticing that the emphasis was being placed on what men can do, and acknowledging what men are doing. The 1speaker, jackson Katz, shares the analysis ~he MRC has been championing for nearly two decades--that its time to expand the definition of violence against women from a womens issue to a human issue, and that men can play, must play, a central role in challenging violence. And that redefming what it means to be a man-from isolated and tough, to connected and gentle-is fundamental to the new definition. It was heartening to hear our message being shared with nearly as many men as women among the hundreds in the crowded auditorium.

Throughout this issue you'll find more examples of the shift. You'll no doubt be moved by the poignant Fathering column by Dennis Shepard written in tribute to his son Matthew, victim of a heinous homophobic murder in Wyoming more than a year ago (see page 16).

Our colleague Michael Kimmel articulates the shift in his insightful overview of the recent spate of books depicting the lives of boys (page 8). And the shift can also be found in Patrick john Tangredi$ feature about men in theater (page 22), and, by negative example, in managing editor Michael Burkes probing remembrance of basketball great Wilt Chamberlain (page 14), George Moonlight Davis' memoir of a Philadelphia boyhood (page 19), and Carl Erikson's review of Michael Bronski:S The Pleasure Principle (page 18).

As the new millennium begins, l invite you to notice the shifts when they happen in your own life and in the lives of those around you. lf you have news of transformation you'd like to pass along, please let us know-we're always interested in sharing stories of men engaged in positive social change.

TABLE OF CONTENTS REGULAR FEATURES From the Editor Director's Voice Mail Bonding Men@Work Fathering: Remembering Matthew Shepard

By Dennis Shepard Book Review: The Pleasure Principle

By Carl Erikson Notes from Survivors: Cleaning the Wound

By Charlie Hertan Thank You MRC Programs & Services Resources

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18 21

24 25 26

ARTICLES & OPINION Searching for a New Boyhood

By Michael Kimmel Why Rape Is a Men's Issue

By Mark Ribble Too Many Martyrs

By Michael Dover Wilt Chamberlain: Male Role Model?

By Michael Burke My Saturday Adventure (Part II)

By George Moonlight Davis Tough Guys Don't Cry

By Patrick john Tangredi Challenging the Masculine Culture of Violence

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14 19

22

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ISSN 1092-4795 Cover Photo: Sheedy & Long

_ The mission of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts is to support men and develop men's leadership in challenging all forms of oppression in our lives, our families, anJ our communities. Our programs support men to overcome the damaging effects oj rigid and stereotyped masculinity, and simultaneously confront men's patterns of personal and societal vwTence and abuse toward women, children, and other men.

RC

\II"\-. H I "I It Itt t

May the New Year be peace-filled for you and yours,

2 3 4 5

1 I ' II H

Main Office: 236 North Pleasant Street 1 Amherst, MA 01002 1 413.253.9887 1 Fax: 413.253.4801 Springfidd Office: 29 Howard Street 1 Springfield, MA OliOS I 413.734.3438 Email: mrc@valinet.com Website: www.mrc-wma.com

Voice Male

Director's Voice - - - - - - - - - - - - By Steven Botkin

The New Millennium:

Facing Fear, .Changing Culture Administrative Staff Executive Director - Steven Botkin Associate Director - Rob Okun Business Manager - Carl Erikson Office Manager - George Moonlight Davis Development Associate - Tim Van Ness Development Assistant - Kris Pender Men Overcoming Violence Directors -Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Sara Elinoff Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin Partner Services Coordinator - Sara Elinoff Group Leaders -Juan Carlos Arean, Scott Girard, Dave Galt, Stephen Jefferson, Rob Okun, Steve Trudel, Dan Williamson Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison - Steve Trudel Partner Outreach Counselor- Mary Dupont Brandt Youth Education Socially Active Youth Program - .

Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente Springfield Programs Director - Juan Carlos Arean Voice Male Editor - Rob Okun Senior Editor- Steven Botkin Managing Editor - Michael Burke Production - Mark Bergeron Copy Editor - Michael Dover Support Groups Director - Juan Carlos Arean Board of Directors Chair- Michael Dover Vice-Chair - AI Sax Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop Members • Jenny Daniell, Nancy Girard, Thorn Herman, Ty Joubert, Yoko Kala, Tom Kovar. Brenda L6pez, She/lie Taggart Editor's Note The opinions expressed may not represent the views of all staff, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters to the editor. articles news items article ideas, and news of events ofi~terest. We ' encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible tor their loss or delay; manuscripts will not be returned or responded.to unless accompanied bY a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Send to: Editor. Voice Male, c/o the Men 's Resource Center. , Membership The MRC is funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by tees tor services. Please join us in our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violence. Annual subscription and membership is $25: Send to-MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 07002.

Advertising For rates and deadlines call MRC Advertising at 413-253-9881

Voice Male

I

admit it, I am a "millennialist."

Whether or not the technological. challenges of the Y2K transition actually disrupted our social order, I believe that we are living in a time of profound personal and cultural transformation. And, I believe, at the core of this process is how we deal with fear..

In many ways the past year has been a tough one for me. Fear, in all forms, seems to be rising. Violence appears to be coming closer and closer. The pace seems to quicken, the risks grow, the stakes rise.

There are times when I feel scared by the huge legacy of personal and cultural violence that continues to be passed on in so many ways. There are times when I feel scared by the demands of sustaining a growing organization with an ambitious vision for social change. There are times when I feel scared by the tnith that we still cannot prevent more violence. I am scared that the current resources of the Mens Resource Center are inadequate to support all the work that needs to be done, and by the reality that llwe sometimes rriake mistakes.

As a child, and even into my adult life, I had recurring dreams of being threatened by something dangeroussometimes shadowy monsters, often men with weapons-and my fear has many faces. My usual attempts td avoid the fear by running and hiding or violently fighting back most often seemed to increase the anxiety of the experience.

Over time, I learned that I could al~o tum and walk into whatever was threatening. I felt as if I was walking into a dark wall of fear, penetrating into all the cells of my body. Yet, if I kept going, sometimes literally embracing whatever I was fearing, the experience would often transform into a powerful feeling of openness and light.

The masculine culture has given us ¡a few well-rehearsed and socially sanctioned strategies for avoiding a direct experience with fear: W,e pretend it doesn't exist. We cover it up with substance abuse, compulsive sexuality, and controlling behaviors. Or we use anger and violence to beat it into submission. Anything to avoid actually experiencing the uncomfortable sensations of fear. Fear can sear my nerves, choke my b:reath, paralyze my m:uscles , and fog my mind. I

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want to run, hide, give up , fight back, anything to make the feeling go away.

As men, fear keeps us from. telling the truth about our experiences with violence, from challenging abusive actions, and from behaving in any way that is not "masculine." As men, fea r also keeps us from really knowing our deepest selves, from reaching out to other men and women for genuine intimacy and from creating the lives that we really want.

Simply put, I believe the question for our time is "Will we tum and walk into the personal and cultural places of fear? " Rather than trying to make the fear go away, will we have the courage to lean into the fear and experience it? Will we learn how to make it safe to bring feeling to the places of fear that have been so effectively walled off? Will we challenge the masculine culture that keeps us terrorized by fear?

Slowly and surely this is happening.

We are certainly getting plenty of opportunities to practice! And it' can be very helpful to know that we are doing this together. We can remind each other that feeling the fear is a good thing. Like addicts in recovery, we can support each other through the sometimes-painful process of reclaiming our feeling. Together we can challenge the masculine c;ulture of violence. And together we can build a new culture where feeling and connection are celebrated as qualities of both men and women.

I believe we are part of something very big an~ important that is moving through us at this time. As fear and violence continue to rise up around us, we are learning our true power-that by walking through the walls of fear, we can transform the energy of violence into a powerful presence in the world.

This is the essential practice and the mission of the Mens Resource Center. I ,welcome your .company, and your support.

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WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length.Deadline for the Spring 2000 Issue is February 5, 2000.

Legislative Approval

Okun and other staff members I met will surely be imprinted on my mind, as will the beautiful town of Amherst. I'm now writing an essay about the MRC , and looking forward to seeing you all again someday. Thank you very much for everything.

For those of us who care about women's issues and about nurturing healthy, strong children, the work of the Mens Resource Center is critical. All of us are in this together and it is in all of our interests to support the MRC as it continues its unique work. Best wishes for the MRC's continued success.

Rep. Ellen Story, Assistant Majority Leader House of Representatives Boston

'·'Mr. Botkin's Opus" I've been thinking of the MRC a fair amount lately. I continue to hear inspiring and impressive news and stories about the work all the MRC folks are doing in the world. I think particularly of Steven Botkin as being among the few people I know who has realized his vision (one of them, anyway) and is living his missionfull-tilt! Thanks for the inspiration. '

joseph DiCenso Montague, Mass.

MRC Essay in Japan Thanks to everyone at the MRC for their kindness when I visited recently. I have really impressive memories.

LiStening to your activities and getting to know good-natured persons like Rob

Sakai Takayuki Kawaguchi Saitama, japan

New Mexico MRC Appealing I am writing to you from ·212 Kit · Carson Road in Taos, the new office of · the Mens Resource Center of Northern New Mexico (MRC/NNM). The phone has. been ringing often·. People are qropping by to say hello , to share stories, and to get information. The members of our board and I are excited. For us, this is more than just an office. It is a home for the MRC/NNM! We're now able to offer our programs right here. We have a comfortable, physical location where men and women dialogue about what it rrieans , to be allies , where men think together about how we can challenge violence in . our community; where we come together to learn about racism and what we. can do to. end it. We now have a place where men talk about intimacy without being laughed at or attacked, wHere we explore how to improve the quality of relationships that young people and adults have in northern New Mexico.

More than 1,500 people throughout New Mexico have participated in our programs over the past 18 months. Maintaining our office, keeping the phone line _going, mal<ing copie, having someone at the office to answer inquiries-all of these things costs money. We need to raise $2,000 in the next couple of months.

Younax-deductible contribution will allow us to be able to keep offering the unique services of the MRC/NNM for another year. Thank you for helping.

I Paul Zelizer, Executive Director Men's Resource Center of Northern New Mexico Box 6399, NDCBU Taos, N.M. 87571

· Twenty Somethings I have been attending various functions at the MRC for a little over a year now and· I am so grateful for the lessons that I have learned. I am 28 years old-somewhat of a mip.ority at the MRC · age-wise-and I would hope to see more men my age getting involved. I contmue to post ads and hand out Voice Male to people I know, hoping to encourage more men to reach out and get.the help they deserve and need. Thanks to the staff for all of their hard work and persistence.

Scott Harrington Northampton, Mass.

Letters conti~ued on page 7

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· ~· J • . • • : .·

MEN(庐WORI< New .MRC Workshop Series

Challenging the Masculine Culture of Violence To launch its new in-house Workshops &: Training program, the MRC inaugurated a Wednesday evening speaker series this past fall on the "Masculine Culture of Violence" with topics on domestic violence, male survivors of childhood abuse, and hate crimes. Sadly, the first such evening, addressing the issue of domestic.violence, came just 48 hours after a murder-suicide in Northampton, Mass .. in which William Bernotas shot his estranged wife, jean Hosmer, then turned the gun on himself. Hosmer died instaritly; Bernotas died several days later in the hospital. The couple left behind two children, ages 11 and 15. a:nd a local community in a state of shock.

An air of sadneSs and mourning prevailed among the two dozen people wno crowded into the MRCs group room in Amherst that Wednesday night, and the event began with the lighting of memorial candles. The evening's discussion of domestic violence, which had been scheduled months in advance. took on a new sense of immediacy "Unfortunately, the urgency of our work became all the more striking," said Rob Okun, MRC associate director, who attended the evening forum, which was moderated by MRC executive director Steven Botkin.

Featured speakers Scott and Nancy Girard told how their 25-year marriage was ~early ruined by Scotts abuse of Nancy and their four sons. The abuse ended only after Scott enrolled in the MRCs Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) in 1990; Nancy subsequently helped to establish MOVEs program for partners of abusive men. Scott stayed in the program for seven years, eventually becoming a member, with Nancy, of the MRCs Speakers' Bureau.

The years of abuse by Scott took their toll on the Girards' marriage and family life. Some of the effects have been longlasting and hard to shake: the Girards admitted that irreparable damage was Voice Male

done to their four sons, now young men, by "the chaotic way we lived." Two of their sons have had problems with violence themselves, and one wi~h anger. "Now they're just learning to grow up," said Scott. "Its going to be tough."

Members of the Speakers' Bureau for nearly three years, they have told their 路 story in various communities in Massachusetts, at high schools and community centers. Scott said that typically more women than men would attend these events, and that when he did speak before an all-male group, at a halfway house in Northampton, the men were "hostile": ".It was frightening to be there and see the anger," he . said. _..._,..._ Scott has completed 路 training to be a MOVE group leaderfollowing a trail blazed by fellow MOVE veteran Steve jefferson, who was also in attendance and shared some of his experiences. jefferson was the first . man to go through the MOVE program as aparticipant and emerge to become a MOVE facilitator.

Both Steve jefferson and Scott Girard stressed that it takes time for men who have been abusive to change-time, and hard w9rk. MRC executive director Steven Botkin added that in MOVE, a combination of teaching about anger and violence and how to spot the warning signs, plus a spirit qf confrontation and challenge, serves to steer men toward being honest and changing their lives. The guiding principle, Botkin said, is "we're going to be real with each other. In the wide world," he continued, "men often . don't get supporte~ for being nonviolent.

They get supported for being violent."

The "Masculine Culture of Violence" series continued in November with programs on the issues of mate survivors of childhood abuse and hate crimes. The hate crimes panel featured Matt Erikson, plaintiff in a recent trial which grew out of a homophobic attack he and Dennis Helmus sustained in Northampton l~st

summer where their assailants were, 路 astonishingly, found not guilty; Bob Green, an African-American whose Amherst Typewriter store was subjected to racist graffiti and and vandalism; and jimmy Tarr, a jewish resident of Hatfield, whose van was spray-painted with a swastika, following a rash of anti-Semitic acts in his small town. Community members in attendance listened with rapt attention as each man told his story and everyone participated in the moving conversation that followed.

According to Carl Erikson, coordinator of the Workshops &: Training Program.

'The MRC plans to have more such programs in the near future, and to stay in touch with the needs of the community and with its own goal of supporting men, challenging violence." For more information, contact Erikson at the MRC, (413) 253-9887

MRC Coordinating Fathers & Family Network The Mens Resource Center has been selected by the Boston-based Children's Trust Fund to coordinate the Western Massachusetts branch of the statewide 1 Fath,ers and Family Network. The network includes agencies and individuals working with fathers and families from Springfield to Greenfield, east of Worcester to the Berkshires.

"We're delighted to be working with the MRC," said jack Miller, Childrens Trust Fund Associate Director for Programming.

"Their work with men is key to helping understand how to work better with fathers ."

At the fall meeting, MRC executive director Steven Botkin led a presentation on the "Culture of Masculinity" for an audience of about 50. For more informa~ion about the Western Massachusetts Fathers and Family Network contact the MRC at (413) 2539887; for the statewide network, contact jack Miller at the Childrens Trust Fund in Boston, 888-775-4537

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MEN(®WORK MRC Gives First Youth Leadership Awards just before Thanksgiving, the Mens Resource Center gave its first Youth Leadership Awards to Vafa Ansarifar and Mark Ribble. Vafa, 18, and Mark, 19, were honored at the Fourth Annual MRC "Challenge and Change" Awards Banquet, which also honored Wally Nelson and Michael Greenebaum (see Voice Male, Fall 1999) Organizer of the new Youth Dialogue Project at the MRC, Vafa was one of the first volunteers in the Mentor/Advocates for Respect an~ Safety (MARS) program, a joint project of the MRC and the University of Massachusetts-based Everywomans Center. ln MARS, he was part of a team of high school and college students who worked with middle school students on sexual assault prevention and othfi gender issues.

Introducing Vafa to the audience at the banquet, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, MRC Youth Programs coordinator, spoke of Vafas ability to connect with young people and to challenge their assumptions and behaviors when needed.

Vafa transferred from UMass to Hampshire College at the end of 1999.

Mark, now a second-year student at Hampshire College, also participated in the MARS project. Last summer, he received a

grant from the college to intern at the MRC, where he organized a variety of workshops on gender issues for youn& people and assisted in the MRC's Men Overcoming Violence program. He is a member of the Counselor Advocate program at Hampshire, where he helped organize support for continuation of the program.

The Youth Dialogue· Project recently completed training for eight college-age volunteer men who will conduct workshops and classes in collaboration with Everywoman's Center educator advocates on such subjects as date rape, sexual harassment, homophobia, and respect and abuse in relationships.

Women's Fund Gives Grant to Men's Resource Center In what may have been the first such grant ever given by a womens foundation, The Womens Fund of Western Massachusetts recently awarded a $3,000 grant to the Men's Resource Center to provide services for women whose partners are in the MRC:s Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE). ''The MRC and MOVE are ;very pleased to have the funding, and excited to be working with the Women's Fund as allies in the work of challenging violence," said Sara Elinoff,

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MOVE co-director. "The funds have allowed us to hire another woman , Mary Dupont Brandt as an outreach counselor to assist women in the program."

Kristi Nelson, executive director of the Womens Fund said of the grant award, "We are thrilled to be in such a collaborative relationship with the Mens Resource Center.

Our work is a perfect complement for one another, and we feel lucky to be in the same locale because it allows us to build a true partnership.

"The Women's Fund and the Men's Resource Center both operate from the same philosophical perspective and with the same kinds of principles at the heart of our work," Nelson continued. "Our work with .women and girls is conducted from a place of valuing all people and wanting to see their full potential realized. It is work led by compassion and faith , love and conviction.

This is the same spirit with which l see the work of the Men's Resource Center being undertaken.

"I hope that MRC and the Womens Fund will have a long, healthy, collaborative life together."

Celebrating the MRC in ·Hampden County Dozens of members of the Springfield community streamed in to the Men's Resourc~ Centers.new office in the South End Community Center last October to celebrate the MRC in Hampden County. "It was a wonderful, upbeat event, where colleagues and friends officially welcomed the MRC into the family of Hampden County organizations working for social change," said juan Carlos Arean, Director of Hampden County Programs. Featured speakers from the community were Kateri Walsh, co-chair of thE Mayor's Commission on Women's Affairs; and Ty Joubert, president of the Pioneer Valley United Way and a member of the MRC board of directors. Also present were State Representative Cheryl Rivera, Su~rior Court probation officers Michael Ghazil and Bryan Foster, District Court probation officers Gloria Torres and janet Foley, and MRC board members Brenda Lopez, Yoko Kato, Peter Jessop, Shellie Taggart, AI Sax, and Michael Dover. Other organizations that were represented included Holyoke-ChicopeeSpringfield Head Start, Spectra Management Corporation, YWCA, the Mass. Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children, the Springfield Vet Center, Massachusetts Constables, Springfie~d College, Westover job Corps, and the South End Community Center. MRC-Hampden County is at 29 Howard St., Springfield; (413) 734-3438.

Voice Mal'

_........__ _ _ MAIL BONDING.- - - - - -

Looking to connect~ Try the MRC's MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS IN NORTHAMPTON Open to all men.

Every Tuesday at HCAC, 218 State St., 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

IN AMHERST Open to all men.

Every Sunday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. Doors close at 7:05. Please be prompt.

FOR GAY, BISEXUAl, AND . QUESTIONING MEN Every Monday evening at the MRC, 7-9 PM. FOR MAlE SURVIVORS OF CHilDHOOD ABUSE AND TRAUMA Call the MRC for more information FREE-FACILITATED-CONFIDENTIAL

236 NORTH PLEASANT STREET, AMHERST· (413) 253-9887

continued from page 4

Revamping Restraining Orders Editor's No te: Many people in weste~n Massachusetts were moved by a domestic violence murder-suicide in !ate October.

Voice Male received the following letter in response to the tragedy.

Shocked by the murder of jean Hosmer and suicide by her assailant, her husband, Bill Bem otas, many were prompted to ask, "What more can be done?" Here's a suggestion I heard that makes a lot of sense:

Whenever a person has a restraining order against him or her, an attached requirement should be to have a psychiatric evaluation to determine his/her stability and ability to honor the restr-aining order.

If the person is determined to be unstable, there should be a mandated program for that person.

Under the current justice system, the person is determined to be stable or

Take This Quiz: If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions , you may have a problem with abuse. At Men Overcoming Violence, we can help you evaluate your situation . Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff.

We can help.

MOVE Men Overcoming Violence

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(413) 253-9588

unstable after the tragedy. Early intervention would clearly be preferable. I am convinced, from personal experience, that we must help both the abused and the abuser. If someone is afraid of someone else, that someone else is probably in need of help , too. Many years ago , my then-husband held a knife to my throat. If guns had been as available then, and he'd had one to reach for, I would probably not be ·alive today. I fled with my children from this kind man who had become stressed, alcoholic, and dangerously unstable. He followed me through six states until I found a safe hideaway for myself and the children. He was desperate to have us back, but I could no longer trust him. He was crying out for help , but I could no longer give it.

In our case, my father, whom he trusted, received him into his home and listened to his hopes, fears, frustration, pain, regret, and confusion. My fathers willingness to be a caring listener to the man who had terrified his daughter into hiding made the difference between life and death. With my fathers support, he checked into a mental health ward where he did not have to deal with the everyday ' stress of life for a while. He was listened to and helped back to sobriety and sanity.

Eventually he was able to have visitation with the children. Eventually he remarried. He and the children were able to have a growing relationship. He has provided child support for all their growing-up years and college. He and his second wife have had the support of counseling throughout the years , and my children and their father have had a strong relationship. They did not lose either parent. jean Hosmer was a new friend of mine.

I know she was afraid of Bill. But I also know she prayed for him. Like me, she could no longer be his support person.

Like me , she prayed that someone else might help him. There has to be a better way. The current ways are not enough.

Life is stressful. Many people go through depression, rage, loss of control. Let us respond with less judgment and more compassion. These people are our neighbors. They are you and I.

Dayspring Belchertown, Mass.

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Voice Male

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Raising B o y s - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - By Michael Kimmel

The Testosterone vs. Feminism Debate

Searching for a New Boyhood heres no question that there's a boy crisis. Boys are four to five times more likely to kill themselves than girls, four times more likely to be diagnosed as emotionally disturbed , three times more likely to be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, and 15 times more likely to be the victims of violent crime. The debate concerns the nature of the crisis, its causes, and, of course, its remedies.

One voice in the debate , epitomized by therapist Michael Gurian (A Fine Young Man, The Wonder of Boys), suggests that boys are both doing worse than ever and doing worse than girls-thanks to feminists' efforts. Gurian argues that as feminists have changed the rules , they've made boys the problem.

By minimizirig the importance of basic biological differences, and establishing girls' standards as the â&#x20AC;˘ ones all children must follow, feminists have wrecked boyhood.

To hear these critics tell it, we're no longer allowing boys to be boys. We've misunderstood boy biology, and cultural meddlingespecially by misinformed women-won't change a thing. Its nature, not nurture, that propels boys toward obnoxious ¡behavior, violence, and sadistic experiments on insects. What makes boys boys is, in a word, testosterone, that magical, catch-all hormone that drives them toward aggression and risk-taking, and challenging this fact gives them the message, Gurian says, that "boyhood is defective."

This facile biological determinism mars otherwise insightful observations. Gurian adroitly points out the nearly unbearable pressure on young boys to conform, to resort to violence to solve problems, to disrupt classroom decorum. But he thinks its entirely due to biology-not peer culture, media violence, or parental influence. Steve Biddulph (Rasing Boys) agrees: "Testosterone equals vitality," he writes. All we have to do is "honor it and steer it into healthy directions." This overreliance on biology leads both writers to overstate the difference between the sexes and ignore the differences among boys

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and among girls.

More chilling, though, are their strategies for intervention. Gurian suggests reviving corporal punishment both at home and at school-but only when administered privately with cool indifference and never in the heat of adult anger. (He calls it "spanking responsibly") Biddulph, somewhat more moderately, advocates that boys start school a year later than girls, so they'll be on a par intellectually

The problem is, theres plenty of evidence that boys are not "just boys" everywhere and in the same ways. If its all biological, why aren't Norwegian or French or Swiss boys as violent, homophobic, and misogynist as many are in the U.S.? Boys are not qoomed to be victims of what Alan Aida once facetiously called "testosterone poisoning."

They can become men who express their emotions and treat their partners respectfully, who listen as well as act, and who love and nurture their children.

But how do we get there? Another group of therapists, including Dan J<..indlon and Michael Thompson (Rais ing Cain), and William Pollack (Real Boys), eschew testosterone-tinged testimonials and treat masculinity as an ideology to be challenged. For them, we need to understand the patterns of boys' development to more effectively intervene and set boys on the path to a manhood of integrity To do that , Kindlon and Thompson write , we mist contend with the "culture

of cruelty" that forces a boy to deny emotional neediness , "routinely disguise his feelings," and end up emotionally isolated. Pollack calls it the "Boy Code" and the "mask of masculinity"-a kind of swaggering attitude that boys embrace to hide their fears, suppress dependency and vulnerability, and present a stoic front.

Unfortunately, these therapists' explanations don't always track. For one thing, they all use examples drawn from their clinical practices but then generalize casually from their clients to all boys. And, alas, "all" is limited almost exclusively to middle-class, suburban white boys.

If all the boys are white and middle class, at least they're not all straight. Most therap1sts treat homosexuality casually droppmg in a brief reference, "explairung" it as biological, and urging compassion and understanding before returning to the more "important" stuff. Only Pollack devotes a sensitive and carefully thought-out chapter to homosexuality, and he actually uses the term "homophobia."

The cause of all this posturing and posing is not testosterone, of course, but privilege. In adolescence , both boys and girls get their first real dose of gender inequality, and that is what explains their different paths. Of the male therapists, only Pollack and james Gilligan (Violence) even seem to notice this. For the others, boys' troubles are all about fears suppressed, pain swallowed.

Books by Myriam Miedzian (Boys Will Be Boys: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence) and by Olga Silverstein and Beth Rashbaum (The Courage to Raise Good Men), published several years ago, offer critiques of traditional boyhood and well-conceived plans for support and change. These books see in feminism a blueprint for transforming both boyhood and manhood. Feminism encourages menand their sons-to be more emotionally open and expressive, to develop empathic skills, and to channel emotional outbursts away from violence. And feminism demands the kinds of societal changes that make this growth possible.

Voice Male

The real boy cnsis usually goes by another name. We call it "teen violence," "youth violence ," "gang violence ," "violence in the schools." Let's face facts : men and boys are responsible for 85 percent of all violent crimes in this country, and their victims are overwhelmingly male as well. From an early age, boys learn that violence is not only an acceptable form of conflict resolution, but one that is admired.

As their title, Challenging Macho Values, suggests, Jonathan Salisbury and David Jackson want to take issue with traditional masculinity, to disrupt the facile "boys will be boys" model, and to erode boys' sense of entitlement. And for Paul Kivel (Boys Will Be Men) , raising boys to manhood means confronting racism, sexism, and homophobia-both in our communities and in ourselves.

These books are loaded with hands-on practical adVIce to help adolescents raise ~ssues, confront fears, and overcome anxieties, and to help teachers dispel myths, encourage cooperation, and discourage violent solutions to perceived problems. "We believe that masculine violence is intentional, deliberate, and purposeful," write Salisbury and Jackson.

"It comes from an attempt by men and boys to create and sustain a system of masculine power and control that benefits them every minute of the day."

Gilligan and Miedzian, along with James Garbarino (Lost Boys), understand that the real boy crisis is a crisis of violence-specifically the cultural prescriptions that equate masculinity with the capacity for violence. Garbarinos fortuitously timed study of youthful offenders locates the origins of mens violence in the way boys swallow anger and hurt.

Gilligan is even more specific. In his insightful study of violence, he places its origins in "the fear of shame and ridicule , and the overbearing need to prevent others from laughing at oneself by making them weep instead." The belief that violence is manly is not carried on any chromosome, not soldered into the wiring of the right or left hemisphere, not juiced by testosterone. Boys learn it.

"Violence, Gilligan writes, "has far more to do with the cultural construction of manhood than it does with the hormonal substrates of biology" Thats where feminism comes in. Who ,

continued on page 10 Voice Male

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continued from page 9

A New Boyhood after all, has offered the most trenchant cri~ique of that cultural construction but feminists? Thats why the books by women and meri that use a feminist perspective (Gilligan, Kivel, Miedzian, Pollack, Salisbury and Jackson, and Silverstein and Rashbaum) are far more convincing than those that either repudiate it (Gurian, Biddulph) or ignore it (Kindlon and Thompson).

Frankly, I think the antifeminists such as Gurian and Biddulph (and the right wing in general) are the real male bashers.

When they say boys will be boys, they mean boys will be uncivilized animals. In their view, males are biologically propelled to be savage, predatory, sexually omnivorous creatures, hard-wired for violence. As a man, I find this view insulting.

Feminists imagine, and demand, that men (and boys) can do better. Feminism offers the possibility of a new boyhood and' a new masculinity based on a passion for justice, a love of equality, and the expression of a full range of feelings .

Michael Kimmel is a sociologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. A longer version of this article appeared in the October/November 1999 issue of Ms. Reprinted by permission of the author and Ms.

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10

Confronting a ~ape Culture

Why Rape is a Men's Issue

By Mark Ribble

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ape is a men's fssue. , During the assaults and rapes at colleges and u.niversities around the Amherst/Northampton, Massachusetts area, most men weren't frightened for their safety, didn't miss classes because they wBre afraid to walk across campus, didn't carry alarm whistles , and didn't look over their shoulders when walking at night.

But men in the college community and in the general community, like women, were profoundly affected by the violence against women that took place. Men responded in many ways-feeling angry, scared, protective, guilty, and unfairly categorized as the literal and figurative perpetrator(s).

Rape is a men's issue. Rape, whether highly publicized or silent, reinforces a masculine culture of violence that causes deep violation to women, children, and other men. (See jackson Katz and Sut ]hally's commentary on the school shootings in the Summer 1999 issue of Voice Male.)

But rape is not a men's issue simply because women are our sisters and mothers, friends and lovers: rape is not our issue only by our association to women. , Rape is a mens issue. In a more fundamental way, rape is a mens issue because the masculine culture of violence limits the possibilities of what it means to be a man. It flattens the great and beautiful diversity of masculinities that exist beneath and behind our armor of power and control. Ultimately, challenging violent masculinity involves recognizing violence as a continuum in which we all participate, whether through physical violence , emotional abuse, subtle

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with the culture of violent masculinity. ' controlling or means simple complicity Challengingbehaviors, this culture challenging ourselves and our friends to . resist the lure of power and privilege that comes with the oven and coven ways in which men control women, children, and other men. Challenging the rape culture also means creating new models of masculinity and a world in which men can step off the continuum of violence and still be validated as strong and proud men.

Challenging an entire culture is a gigantic task, and must be done collectively. But men can challenge this culture in everyday life in many ways: • Listen to friends (female and male) when they respond to rape. Believe them and validate their feelings , whether they are afraid to walk alone or whether they have experienced sexual violence themselves.

• Confront jokes that support violent or sexist attitudes and behaviors.

• Challenge images and themes of violence against women in the media.

• Create support systems for men to confront issues of rape and sexism in groups.

• Define and discuss the realities of rape with men and women. Stress the : importance of clear and constant communication, particularly about sex.

Don't ever assume; seek true oven consent.

• Confront homophobia , racism, classism, and adultism - and recognize the ways in which various oppressions reinforce and normalize violence.

• Strive to recognize and challenge coercion and control in their relationships, friendships, and community.

• Help expand the definition of masculinity. Support and encourage men to step outside the boundaries.

• Examine thteir own attitudes and actions that support sexism and work toward changing them.

In this quest, recognize that cooperation is power, both between men and between men and women. Don't do it alone. Individuals don't stop violencecommunities stop violence.

Voice Male

Men & Violence

By Michael Dover

Too Many Martyrs ter Mississippi civil rights leader Medgar Evers was shot to death utside his home in 1963, one of his colleagues in the movement lamented, "Oh no, we've already got too many martyrs."

Little did he know how mru:ty more there would be in the years to come. Those words kept running through tny head not long ago as I absorbed the news of another murder of a woman by her former mate .

The late October murder of Jean Hosmershot by her 6stranged husband on a Northampton street--came on the heels of the killing of Erica Reyes in Holyoke last July and recalled the stabbing death of Sherry, Morton and her son Cedric six·years ago at the hands of the boys father, whose second conviction for the murders came earlier this year. The cause of abused and battered women has too many martyrs. We 'don't need.any more to convince ourselves that the protections we've created for them aren't enough.

We heard that "the system was working" as well as it could for Jean Hosmerrestraining orders: alarm pendants, etc. and still she died. The "system:· we keep talking about is the courts and prosecutors, social·service agencies and the like. But the real system is the vast interconnected web. of culture, values, and attitudes creating the conditions that can lead a man to such awful acts. The system is movies, and television perpetuating the notion of women as men~ pc;>ssessions and sex objects. Hie system is a culture that equates justice with vengeance and punishment rather than with restoration and healing. (Former prison psychiatrist James Gilligan points out that virtually all perpetrators of violence believe their acts were in retaliation fbr some injustice.)

The system is middle-school boys and girls believing that its OK for a boy to force sex on a girl if they've been "going together'' for six months (according to a study cited by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health). It is a society in which at least one in 10 teenagers--most of them female-will be victims of dating violence before reaching their twenties. (A 1997 ' Massachusetts survey reported that 54 percent of nearly 4,000 high school students indicated they had been hurt physically or sexually by a date.)

The system is parents and peers encouraging boys to fight when their "rights" are challenged. As sociologist Voice Male

Michael Kimmel has observed, "From an .early age, boys learn that violence is not only an acseptable form of conflict resolution, but one that is admired. Four times more teenage boys than teenage girls think fighting is appropriate when someone cuts into the front of a line. Half of all teenage boys g<:t into a physical fight ~ach year." .

Kristen Golden, director of the Necessities/Necesidades battered-womens program, said after Jean Hosmer was killed that we need to focus more attention on the batterers. This goes to the very heart of the matter. And it is not just in the realm of domestic violence that we must recognize gender as a critical factor. Kimmel points out that "gender is the single most obvious and intractable difference when it comes to violence in America. Men and boys are responsible for 95 percent of all violent crimes in this country. Every day 12 boys and·young men commit suicide-seven tii)les the number of girls. Every day 18 boys and young men die from homicideten times the number of girls."

Consider: the Gay Mens Domestic Violence Project estimates that one in four gay men is a victim of domestic violence.

Consider also: in a recent survey of over · 1,000 survivors of child abuse, 91 percent 'of the perpetrators were male .

The system can accurately be described as a male monopoly on violence and abuse.

What more is needed to change the system? ln a word: men. It is essential that

males committed to nonviolence and gender . equality take responsibility for confronting male violence and other abusive behavior.

•

Men must be prepared to challenge their friends , relatives, coworkers, and others when sexist, homophobic, or racist ideas are expressed. Men must urge other men who they think may be abusive to 'seek treatment from a qualified barterer-intervention program: counseling or "anger management" is not enough. Adult men must show boys and young men that being male does not have to mean being violent or abusive. And men must support each other in creatmg a. new culture of nonviolent masculinity, one that honors their strength and courage while rejecting dominance , power, and control. . At the Mens Resource-Center, we're bringing this message to hundreds of men and boys every year. But if the system is going to change, millions need to hear it.

We absolutely must do · as much as possible to protect women from abuse and murder at the hands of the men in their lives. The judicial and social service systems should look for new ways to prevent the kinds of circumstances that led to the recent killings. · For star~ers , men who are the subjects of restraining orders could be required by the courts to undergo screening by certified barterer-intervention programs and to enroll in those programs as soon as possible if appropriate. 1We can and should look for improved safeguards for women, including increased support for womens shelters, hotlines, and other services. But we will never succeed in protecting women until we . change the culture of male violence in which too many boys and men are steeped.·· We don't need any more martyrs: we need fewer murderers. '

Michael Dover is MRC Board Chair.

Different versions of this essay were published in the Springfield (Mass.) Sunday Republican, and broadcast on WFCR, Western New England's public. radio station.

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MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER .

SUPPORTING MEN • CHAlLENGING VIOLENCE STEVEN D. aOTICIN. ED.D. • EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR

Will You Help Us Cultivate a Legacy of Peace?

Dear VOICE MALE Reader, You are probably aware that there are hundreds 'of men and women who support the Mens Resource Center in its mission of supporting men and challenging violence. I am writing today to ask you to join me in helping us to take the next step toward ensuring we become an enduring legacy for the future.

I

Reviewing our 1999 Annual Report (available to you upon request) just before it went to press, I was in awe of how much the MRC has accomplished over the past year alone. Consider these highlights: • Opening an MRC office in Springfield to' serve Hampden County • Expanding our Men Overcoming Violence program services to Franklin County, including both a weekly group and a staff,member in Greenfield 'District Court " Enlarging our Youth Programs to include young mens groups in Holyoke and Springfield, a youth empowerment progr<1.m for young women and men (in collaboration with the Everywomans Center), leadership training for college men, a youth radio show, and a youth cafe • Adding a new weekly drop-in support group in Northampton • Providing workshops and presentations to thousands of men, women and youth at conferences and workshops .throughout New England • Developing a new collaboration with the Children's Trust Fund to oversee the Fathers and Families Network of Western Massachusetts • Receiving awards for our work from the Amherst Area Chamber of Commerce, the Massachusetts Senate and House of Representatives, the Stavros Center for Independent Living, and the New American Community Award from the' National Council on Crime and Delinquency • Providing consultations to men and women from ·Connecticut, New York, Vermont, Maine, North Carolina, New Mexico , Canada, ]~pan, Sweden, and South Africa The accomplishments of the Men's Resource Center go even beyond specific activities, events and programs. We are, in fact, changing a cultural legacy-the dominant masculine culture of violence, carefully passed down to us, generation after generation. We are challenging that cultural inheritance, and cultivating a ,new legacy for the generations to come.

Over the past several we~ks , in response to the painful and frightening murder, rapes and assaults of women by men, the MRC has spoken out about the masculine culture of violence at rallies, vigils and workshops, on radio shows, and in newspaper columns (see page ll). In response to homophobiC racist and anti-Semitic assaults, we 'purchased a full-page signature ad (see back cover) and held a forum on hate crimes. And, of course, our work in the Men Overcoming Violence program continues unabated. We are · challenging the legacy MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS l.l6 NO. PlEASANT STR££T • AMHERST. MASS. 01002 • . (..413) lH-9887 l9 HOWARD STREET • SPRINGfiElD, MASS . 0110S • (413) 73-4-3438 fAX: (413) ).S)-4801 • (·MAIL: ~alinet..Com

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Voice Male

Over the same past few months, college-age men at the Men's Resource Center began the Youth Dialogue Project to provide education on violence prevention and positive masculinity to their peers.

Over t{lese same weeks at the MRC, through our collaboration with the Everywomans Center, high school and college-age men and women launched a monthly radio show called "RadioActive Youth" broadcast on WMUA, the UMass radio station. And a week before Thanksgiving, this same group, calling themselves SAY, "Socially Active Youth," organized their first and very successful "youth cafe." We are creating a new inheritance.

The Mens Resource Center is growing rapidly. Everywhere we tum more and more people and institutions are recognizing the need for exactly what we have been developing over the past 18 years -effective strategies for reaching men and for changing the dominant masculine culture of violence.

In fact, we are facing a crisis of growth. Our dramatically increasing visibility, expansion and success are outpacing our capacity to secure adequate funding for long-term sustainability. It is clear to me that if the Mens Resource Center is going to be a legacy into the new millennium it is time to expand our circle of support.

That is why I am asking yqu now to increase your support in one of two ways.

First, recognizing the imrri~diate financial need, and significance of the timing for building long-term sustainability, several of our supporters are coming forward with special gifts. Thanks to support from a new donor, we will receive a match for every contribution of $50 or more (up to $5,000), received before Valentines Day, February 15th. Second, with the help of several supporters, we have now established the MRC Endowment Fund, spe.cifically designed to ensure the MRC will be here for the long haul. (Of course all contributions of any size are welcome!)

We have come a long way over the past 18 years toward creating a new legacy. Building a sustainable inheritance is a long-term project. And it requires long-term financial support. I hope you will consider helping build this inheritance with a contribution toward the endowment fund, or toward the matching gift. Of course, a iift of any size makes a difference. ' I was deeply shaken by the murder in late October of my neighbor, jean Hosmer, killed by her estranged husband in front of a nearby city police station in the middle of the day, minutes after extending a restraining order against him. And I continue to be concerned and angry by assaults against women at the University of Massachusetts. It is obvious that the work of the Mens Resource Cehter will be needed for years to come.

Central to our work is recogriizing and naming violence as a eultural inheritance, and believing it is possible to challenge and change that legacy, and to build communities of men and women who are creating a new inheritance for the future. I am asking you to give as generously as you can to help build that legacy.

To~peace,

.

---7-#K:-

Steven Botkin

.r-'

PS. Remember all tax-deductible gifts of $50 or moFe will be doubled by our matching gift.

Thanks!

PPS. P.lease consider giving friends, family and colleagues at work a gift membership to the MRC.

13 Voice Male

Men & Masculinity - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - By Michael Burke

Wilt Chamberlain: Male Role Model? 'm too young to really remember when JFK, RFK, and MLK were shot, and even the more recent death ofjFKjr. was merely a blip on the radar screen of my life. But when I heard, ,on a crisp October day in New England, that Wilt Chamberlain had died of a heart attack back in Los Angeles, I was immediately saddened at the loss, moved to tears as I listened to the car radio.

Now that may seem absurd to some. But Wilt Chamberlain-Wilt the Stilt, the Big Dipper, Goliath, the basketball legend and alleged sexual partner of 20,000 women-was one of my earliest male role models, and when he died I felt a loss that was primarily personal: the loss of someone who was a hero to me in my youth, whom I looked up to (if you'll pardon the pun), who represented a time and a place and a coU:fluence of feelings that are gone now, but in memory.

I grew up in the early sixties in Riverside, California, a town about 60 miles east of Los Angeles.

These days its a sprawling city, overdeveloped beyond recognition, but back then it was still rather sleepy, a conservative backwater not known for much. Its motto could have been "This Ain't L.A. , But We Can See the Smog from Here." We djdn't have much worth talking about: we had the parent navel orange tree, the Mission Inn (where Dick and Pat Nixon got married), and March Air Force Base, home of the Strategic Air Command, whose ominous rows of B-52s virtually assured our destruction in the event of a nuclear shootout with the Russians.

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Ah, those were the days!

L.A. wasn't far, but its TV newspeople were barely aware of our existence-if anything newsworthy did happen in Riverside (invariably something bad), they tended to place us in the desert somewhere, or worse, in San Bernardino

...

Photo by: Walter IoossJr.

(a mortal insult to a Riversider). Nevertheless, many kids like myself grew up living vicariously . through the L.A. sports teams. Back in the day, in the waning of the Neolithic, that meant the Rams of Merlin Olsen, Rosey Grier and Deacon jones; the ex-Brooklyn Dodgers, like Maury Wills, Sandy Koufax, 路 Don Drysdale and the young Don Sutton: and the Lakers-preShowtime, pre-Magic, pre-Kareem, and way

pre-Shaq-the team of Jerry West, Elgin Baylor, and by the beginning of the 1968-69 season, Wilt Chamberlain.

These heroes of gridiron, fie1d, and court were ours; we followed their fortunes ~nd lived and died with their teams' vicissitudes in a visceral way thats difficult to translate to these more cynical times, when such "heroes" are apt to make more news outside the game than in it, choking their coaches, beating their wives or girlfriends, taking drugs or going on gaii).bling sprees.

The times and their 'events have made us more wary, less willing to give up our hearts: the Rams have long since relocated to St. Louis, the Dodgers are now owned by Rupert Murdoch, and even the Lakers, aping .their old nemesis the Celtics, have migrated. across town from the hallowed Fabulous Forum to a brand-new sacrilege called the Staples Ce~ter.

In a sunnier, more naive era, we southern Californians were just glad to have sports teams, even if purloined from other regions. The Lakers, arriving from Minneapolis in 1960, the year before I was born, had been the team of Baylor and West, .two of the best players the game has ever seen, and before that the hulking George Mikan, who led them to championships in the NBAS White Period-but when Wilt came on board, traded from the Philadelphia 76ers, he instantly became the Man. Seven foot 路 one, solid and strong but with a surprising array of finesse fadeaways and finger rolls, a legend who had led the league in every category at one time or another, never fouled out and once scored 100 points in a game, Wilt was a commanding presence, to say the least.

Nor only was he tall and dark, with an almost devilish-looking goatee and, in his Laker years, a bright gold headband ; but his voice sounaed deep and unusually Voice Male

authoritative. He could score, rebound, pass, and block shots, and his towering bulk deterred many an opposing player from even thinking about driving to the basket.

Wilt was a Laker, and I loved the Lakers, but moreover his satanic majesty and long fluid limbs impressed me greatly.

I didn't even have a basketball hoop back then, but I used to finger-roll a ball against the whitewashed stucco of our house, laying it gently into the "basket" just like Wilt did, and then I would stand, arms outstretched against imaginary opponents, ready to intimidate all comers-just like Wilt. I wanted to be as tall as Wilt, as 路 imposing as Wilt, as strong and indomitable as Wilt.-Well, I never made it-but there is something about the image of Wilt standing alone, hands outstretched, defending the goal, that ~ticks in my mind even now, and that caught in my throat when I heard that his huge heart, incredibly, had stopped pumping.

Wilt seemed to me like an all-powerful older brother, and like many boys I suppose I craved being close to such a dominant older male. And it strikes me now that although Wilt was so evidently unlike any other human-a giant, a superman, a champion, a flamboyant player both on and off the court-he also had attributes that were peculiarly, perhaps even quintessentially, male.

He was a Man Alone. In his last few seasons with the Lakers, he sometimes didn't even join the team:S huddle during timeouts-the coach:S instructions, it seems, were for other, lesser players; Wilt, like some outsized black Marlboro Man, kept his own counsel, and somehow knew what he and he alone needed to do.

Despite his now-legendary sexual conquests (of which 1 knew nothing back then), Wilt never married; he reportedly told a friend that he had never been able to find a woman who would love Wilt Chamberlain the man, rather than Wilt Chamberlain, basketball superstar.

Since his career as a player and his stints as a coach in the old ABA and in a women:S volleyball league, we've learned from his own words about his most notorious claim, that he slept with approximately 20,000 women during the peak years of his sexual maturity, or about 1.5 women per day. That number, that statistic-like 100 points, or 55 rebounds

Voice Male

publicly and unabashedly, talked .about his in a game-has occasioned a lot of talk, 1 divorce and his love for his son, talked even outrage. It's extreme, outsized, like the legend of Wilt himself. about being in therapy and profiting from it. After that, I could name a few names, But behind that great number, as behind the infinity of stars in deep space, I but then it gets thin.

I wonder, after all these years , if Wilt, sense a huge emptin!';SS, a void. The model of American masculinity" Wilt embodied, of my old hero, was happy. I wonder if all the sex partners he had weren't just an which we might say he was the colossal exemplar-aloofness, coolness, sexual extreme, sad attempt to salve his loneliness, to fill the void in the soul of the prowess, great strength and size, a selfMan Alone. I wonder what all the women contained self-reliance-has another, got out of it; no one says much about that. darker side: the loneliness of the Man ~ wonder if Wilt knew how much pleasure Alone, of the celebrity shuttled between airports, arenas and hotels; the enforced he gave to people who simply enjoyed watching him play, and what happiness he separation from others. the propensity to brought to a little white boy in a nothing be misunderstood and even disliked. Wilt town who grew up trying to emulate him, played to that dislike-he wore number who never achieved his stature (in both 13, and seemed to relish the boos of senses) but was given gifts that seem to opposing fans. "No one roots for Goliath," his teammate jerry West once told him, . have eluded him: wife, children, family, love. I know that my youthful heroand Wilt was Goliath to many, a dark worship was, inevitably, misplaced , like Philistine giant in a league that still . most such idealizations. I think there's a featured many smaller, paler Davids. lesson in there, somewhere.

Growing up I had more in common with the Davids, at least physically. But in Michael Burke is a freelance writer and his last five seasons with the Lakers, I editor, and volunteers as an MRC drop-in rooted for Goliath, number 13 in the group facilitator and as Voice Male purple and gold. I thrilled when he and his teammates won 33 in a row in managing editor. He has "managed to sprain 1971-72 (still a record), and went on to all ten fingers playing basketball. win the championship that year; I wept / when they lost to the Knicks in '73. I remember how, even to my young eyes, Wilt was obviously growing. older, slower and less interested in the game, in the twilight of his immortal career. I still recall how he received the ball once as he stood in the post, holding it high in the palm of one hand, away from the harassing aiTn.s of diminutive defenders. Would he tum and dunk, or pull back and shoot the fadeaway, or pirouette to the basket for a gentle 路 finger roll? No-suddenly and without looking, he fired a behind-the-back bounce pass to a cutting teammate, who laid it up and in for an easy two. Like the old fox feeding his young, this prodigious scorer could still make the assist and play the team game. The image still warms me 36 Main Street today.

Amherst, MA 01002 I look at male athletes now and I see a (413) 256-3545 lot of admirable talent-but not a lot of role models. We know much more about their personal lives now-more than we want to know, in some ways-but there are very few I would want my own Nancy and Frank Lattuca children to emulate. There's Mark Owners McGwire in baseball, a man who has cried

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Fathering

-----------------------By De11nis Shepard Remembering Matthew Shepard

A Father's Tribute to His Departed Son

y son, Matthew did not look like a winner. After all, he was small for his age , weighing at the most 110 pounds and standing only 5'2" tall.

He was rather uncoordinated and wore braces from the age of 13 until the day he died. However, in his all too brief life, he proved that he was a winner.

My son, a gentle caring soul, proved that he was as tough as, if not tougher than, anyone I have ever heard of or have known. On October 6, 1998, my son tried to show the world that he could win again. On October 12, 1998, my firstborn son, and my hero , lost. On October 12 , 1998, my first-born son, and my hero , died. On October 12, 1998, part of my life, part of my hopes and part of my dreams died, 50 days before his 22nd birthday. He died quietly, surrounded by family and friends, with his mother and brother holding his hand. All I have left now are the memories and the mementos of his existence.

Its hard to put into words how much Matt meant to family and friends and how much they meant to him. Everyone wanted him to succeed because he tried so hard. The spark that he provided to people had to be experienced. He simply made everyone feel better about themselves. Family and friends were his focus . He knew that he always had their support for anything that he wanted to try Matts gift was people. He loved being with people, helping people and making others feel good. The hope of a better world, free of harassment and discrimination because a person was

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different, kept him motivated. All his life I loved my son and, as can be seen he felt the stabs of discrimination. throughout this statement, was proud of Because of that, he was sensitive to other him. He was not my gay son. He was my people's feelings. He was naive to the son who happened to be gay. He was a extent that, regardless of the wrongs good looking, intelligent, caring person. people did to him, he still had faith that There were the usual arguments and , at they would change and become "nice ." times , he was a real pain in the butt. I felt Matt trusted people, perhaps too much. the regrets of a father when he realizes Violence was not a part of his life until his that his son is not a star athlete. But senior year in high school. He would regret was replaced with a greater pride when I saw him on the stage. The hours walk into a fight and try to break it up.

He was the perfect he spent learning his parts, negotiator. He could get 路 working behind the scenes two people talking to and helping others made me each other again as no realize he was actually an one else could. excellent athlete, in a more Ma~t loved people and dynamic way, because of the different types of physical he trul ted them; He and mental conditioning could ~ever understand how one person could required by actors. To this hurt another, physically day, I have never figured out or verbally. They would how he was able to spend all hurt him and he would those hours at the theater, give them another during the school year. and chance. This .quality of still have good grades. seeing only good made Because my job involved him friends around the lots of travel, I never had the Painting: :>tephen J. Bertrand same give and take with Matt warld . He didn't see size, http://members.aol./lllllgnus 97 ; race , intelligence, sex, that judy had. Our relationship religion or the hundred other things that at times was strained. But whenever he people use to make choices about people. had problems we talked. For example, he All he saw was the person. All he wanted 路was unsure about revealing to me that he was to make another person his friend . was gay. He was afraid I would reject him All he wanted was to make another immediately so it took him a while to tell person feel good. All he wanted was to be me. By that time , his mother and brother accepted as an equal. had already been told . One day, he said What did Matts friends think of him' that he had something to say. I could see Fifteen of his friends from high school in that he was nervous so I asked him if Switzerland, as well as his high school everything was all right. Matt took a deep advisor, joined hundreds of others at his breath and told me that he was gay. Then memorial services. They left college, he waited for my reaction. I still fought a blizzard and came together one remember his surprise when I said "Yeah? more time to say goodbye to Matt. Men Okay, but what's the point of this and women coming from different conversation?" Then every-thing was okay. countries, cultures and religions, thought We went back to being a father and son enough of my son to drop everything and who loved each other and respected the come to Wyoming-most of them for the beliefs of the other. We were father and first time. son but we were also friends.

Thats why this Wyoming country boy How do I talk about the loss I feel wanted to major in foreign relations and every time I think about Matt? How can I languages. He wanted to continue making describe the empty pit in my heart and friends and, at the same time, help others. mind when I think about all the problems He wanted to make a difference. Did he? that were put in Matt's way that he You tell me. overcame? No one can understand the Voice Male

sense of pride and accomphshment that I felt every time he reached the mountaintop of another obstacle. No one, including myself, will ever kn ow the frustration and agony that others put him through, because he was different . How many people could be given the problems that Matt was presented with and still succeed, as he did? How many people would continue to smile, at least on the outside while crying on the inside, to keep other people from feeling bad?

I now feel very fortunate that I was able to spend some private time with Matt last summer during my vacation from Saudi Arabia. We sat and talked. I told Matt that he was my hero and that he was the toughest man that I had ever known. When I said that I bowed down to him out of respect for his ability to continue to smile and keep a positive attitude during all the trials and tribulations that he had gone through . He just laughed. I also told him how proud I was because of what he had accomplished and what he was trying to accomplish. The last thing I said to Matt was that I loved him and he said he loved me. That was the last private conversation that I ever had with him.

Impact on my life? My life will never be the same. I miss Matt terribly I think about him all the time-at odd moments when some little thing reminds me of him. When I walk by the refrigerator and · see the pictures of him and his brother that we've always kept on the door; at special times of the year like the firs t day of classes at UW or opening day of sage chicken hunting. I keep wondering almost the same thing I did when I first saw him in the hospital. What would he have become? How would he have changed his piece of the world to make it better?

Impact on my life? I feel a tremendous sense of guilt. Why wasn't I there when he needed me most? Why didn't I spend

more time with him? Why didn't I try to find another type of profession so that I could have been available to spend more time with him as he grew up? What could I have done to be a better father and friend? How do I get an answer to those questions now? The only one who can answer them is Matt. These questions will be with me for the rest of my life.

What makes it worse for me is knowing that his mother and brother will have similar unanswered questions.

Impact on my life? In addition to losing my son, I lost my father on November 4, 1998. The stress of the entire affair was too much for him. Dad watched Matt grow up. He taught him how to hunt, fish, camp, ride horses and love the state of Wyoming. Matt, [Matt's brother] Logan, Dad and I would spend two to three weeks camping in the mountains at different times of the yearto hunt , to fish and to goof off. Matt learned to cook over an open fire, telling fishing stories about the one that got away and to drive a truck from my father.

Three weeks before Matt went to the Fireside Bar for the last time, my parents saw Matt in Laramie. In addition, my father tried calling Matt the night that he was beaten, but received no answer. He never got over the guilt of not trying earlier. The additional strain of the hospital vigil, being in the hospital room with Matt when he died, the funeral services with all the media attention and the protesters, as well as helping judy and me clean otit Matt's apartment in Laramie a few days later, was too much. Three weeks after Matt's death, Dad died. Dad told me after the funeral that he never expected to outlive Matt. The stress and the grief were just too much for him.

Impact on my life? How can my life ever be the same again?

"Jttt;tLw

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(413) 584-7770, (413) 253-3353 17

By Carl Erikson

Book Review

Straight vs. Gay: Who's On Trial?

Straight vs . Gay, a case of c1vil rights. What is civilly acceptable to the majority vs. what minorities want to be able to be in public. What is "n ght" by tradition and the philosophy of the majority vs. what a human being ought to be able to be in our society. Enforced privacy and suppression of some vs. open expression and broad choices for everyone.

Michael Bronski lays out these and related social issues in the long and ongoing "case" of Straight vs.

Gay in The Pleasure Prionciple: Sex, Backlash, and the Struggle for Gay Freedom. He dives deeply into Western

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Available through the Men's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002, and at many bookstores.

18

~ociety's social history (the U.S . in particular) and surfaces with forces , myths, and assumptions of considerable fascination for any thinking person. Then, he uses his findings to analyze the persistent animosity of the straight society towards gays and lesbians. The heterosexual societys reaction to gays , we learn, is no different from its reaction for several hundred years to any "non-conformist" group Uews, African-Americans. various immigrant groups , and women.)

The essence of the Straight vs. Gay conflict lies, Bronski claims, in the heterosexual adherence to (obsession with?) strict, limited, and highly regulated behavior, particularly in relation to pleasure and even more particularly in relation to sex.

Any deviance from the straight and narrow by any group is seen by the straight society as threatening social stability Adherence to and defense of these restrictive standards as a social demand appears to be the creation of white , Anglo-Saxon, Protestant males and devotion to these standards appears to be the primary "test" for being allowed into the "American" class. Only those in the "American" class are entitled to full rights and respect. Any deviance from full devotion to the American standards is viewed as a significant threat to society Deviance from these strict standards, of course, does threaten this limited. regulated , strict straight view of life. The threat is not of an all out assault on the hetero lifestyle; no minority will be successful at that. The threat is more subtle but infinitely more dangerous -offering alternative ways of life, an enticement away from total, unquestioning acceptance of this American social myth into the realm of unlimited choice, of personal satisfaction (i.e., pleasure).

Bronski points to the long hypocritical history of hetero society, condemning and ghettoizing certain groups and then going into that ghetto, literally or figuratively, to extract the pleasures created by the ostracized groups. From the music of the

16th-century Jewish ghetto in Venice to the theater, clothing, and design of the late 20th century gay ghetto. this has been heterosexual societys way of dealing with "forbidden fruits." Exploitation , not acceptance dr even assimilation.

Straight society argues that gays are a threat to children , enticers if not abductors and seducers. Bronski points out that this argument is an old technique of straight society to enforce exclusion of undesirable groups. The Jews, various immigran t groups, African-Americans , and now the gays, are excluded because of their perceived threat to the welfare of children provided by straight society. The reality of that societys devotion to family values and the care of children , however, includes an endless history of physical, psychological, and sexual abuse of children many times worse and more persistent than that ever committed by the members of the pariah groups.

Heterosexual readers should acquire and read The Pleasure Principle (after. perhaps, removing the erotic dust jacket) for its rarely presented social history material and to gain an understanding of the dynamics of the Straight vs. Gay conflict. Gay men may well pick up The Pleasure Principle because of that photograph on its dust jacket. Then , they should read its contents seriously; they need to understand these same dynamics and perhaps reconsider their expectations and tactics for change. lt seems obvious

by Bronski's final sentence that only if each of the disputants in the conflict understands where the conflict comes from can they make conscious choices to resolve it.

Bronski offers no solutions to the conflict and no roads to resolution . Is he evading responsibility to both straight and gay societies? Having raised the issues and done the research , Bronski almost certainly had to have come to some conclusions about the conflict he so eloquently describes. He should have shared these conclusions with us-they would have provided an informed place from which we, individually, could move toward a resolution of the Straight vs. Gay civils rights case.

Carl Erikson is the MRC's business manager, a writer and an artist.

Voice Male

By George Mopnlight Davis

Men's Lives

My Saturday Adventure. (Part 2)

own a slope, into a small ravine, slightly right and up the other side,_Thunder carried me swiftly with the police in hot pursuit. At the top, we flew around the left side of the Dell Amphitheater, and down ano~her slope.

As the brush and the trees got thicker, so did my fear. The trees got so thick I thought we would go head on into one.

But Thunder managed to avoid them and l managed to stay aboard him until we wound up in a clearing on the other side.

Like turning on a light bulb, the words rang more clearly in my head now, "Unass him, boy! " With the words echoing, I took my feet out of the stirrups and jumped clear. Thunder never looked back I bounced repeatedly on the ground, coming to rest sweaty, shaking, heart beating hard in .my chest, fuzzy in my head, wondering what in the hell had just happened. From the stable to here things had happened so fast to me I didn't have time to think about anything but my life.

Fifteen dollars gone, horse gone, I'm on the ground, cops chasing me , and I was too tired to run. But I guess Thunder had outrun them too. I rolled over to look behind just to make sure. As I got up and brushed myself off, I said, "Oh! Un-ass him!" and then thanked God that I hadn't understood what it meant before I reached the park It took me about half an hour to track Thunder down. When I reached him, he was standing quietly by a tree, soakiag wet from nose to t<i!il, and grazing, as if nothing had ever happened. I was still somewhat shaken, but I wasn't ready to quit yet. As l reached for the reins, l noticed blood had soaked some of the reins near his mouth and that it looked like the comers of his mouth had been

D

lost, no matter what cut. I took his chin and held his head up circumstances l might and remembered how the young boy had . stuck the bit in his mouth. I looked inside find myself inThunder had already and found a strange bit with two shown me· that. Since moveable parts joined together by an 1 couldn't run, l interlocking ring. The bit was way forward in his mouth. l knew it needed to wanted to show some toughness, some be pushed back, which l did. and heart, so l stood just inside the semiThunder seemed to adjust his mouth to circle, looked around and said, "Yeah, accommodate it. Thunder had been breathing heavily as we were ·running up who wants me7" I couldn'.t think of any way I could take on all these boys and York Street. Perhaps this special bit was live to tell the story. used to help rein in runaway horses, to [Author's note: How did I survive in the keep them under control, ~ut that stable streets of Philadelphia in my earlier years? boy had definitely put it in wrong an<;l it As I look back (I'm 53 now), I had never had not done what it was supposed been taught some of the skills available to do . ' I walked him, found some water and today And m ost of all I was myself a very let him drink I cleaned his mouth .and angry young man. But more than thought to myself, "What a wonderful any thing what I thought was my natural horse." We spent the rest of the day instinct led me to believe the saying "Kill or be killed." I know better now.] riding and walking and showillg off. After l adjusted his bit, he never ran away again A large, dark-skinned teenager stepped and l made four dollars giving kids' rides. forward and in a rather deep and threatening voice said, "Where you from , I spent it on food . All my cares and troubles, past, present and future , nigger?" His tone implied that on every disappeared during those remaining level he l).ad the upper hand and had no hours. l was sad when it was time to respect for me: He was obviously high in the ranks of the group. He was at least ·r eturn to the stable.

When. l got back to 'the stables, there twice my size and maybe a half a foot were about a dozen boys standing taller. Things did not look good. I first around, laughing·, giving me the eye. l ' said , ''I'm from down the way," and then I knew it could be tr<iuble if I didn't do said, "Ain't none of your f-cking business." tl1,ings right. So I asked One Arm Jimmy My brain had started to work above if l could unsaddle Thunder, brush him and beyond the pressures of the fear that down, feed him and clean him off. 1 was was on me. I was definitely scared. I · didn't know whether this big boy could . also hoping that my actions would say to these boys , ''I'm one o] you, I'm from the fight or not~ and it almost didn't matter. neighborhood, I knbw what's going on."

What mattered was , l couldn't fight all 12 He agreed. As l completed m'y care of of them. Theres a term that is used when Thunder, the young boy who had saddled you are verbally insulting someone. That term is "pumping yourself up." l began to him that morning came to me and said, "Hey man, some boys want to see you pump myself up by telling him that yeah outside." 1 had the familiar sensation I the 12 of them could whip my ass, but · that wasn't shit. Which one of them could always had when l knew trouble was take me on by' himself? Which one? Was near.

Stepping outside the stable doors I saw there one? Especially you! I pointed my a large group of boys of all sizes, shapes finger at this large young man standing in and complexions (none wearing a friendly front of me. "I'll kick your ass and be done or welcoming face). l felt intimidated. My with it. But if you need your boys, have at it! " [Author's note: See how few tools to first instinct was to run but as I looked at work with I had besides my fists and a bad · the possibilities for exit routes , I saw they had them strategically covered. It left me mouth.] no choice but to stand in the center of the Not a word of this did I mean. What 1 wanted was for my words to shame them Circle and take it one step at a time. As I had already learned on many different enough so t~ey would back off and at occasions in my young life, all was not least st;~rt out fair (only one boy would continued on page 20

Voice Male

19

continued from page 19

My Saturday Adventure fight at a time). Thats what I said I wanted. As I watched them rally for first position to show each other how much heart they had to be the first to fight me, I thought about where I could n:m, get away. I was fast but I needed more of a head start than I could see at that moment.

At that moment I was brought back to the center of the semi-circle by this loud booming voice-sounding almost out of control-"Shut the f- up," coming from the mouth of this very large boy. "-I'm going to kick this little boy's ass, right now and I don't want anybody to jump in. If you jump in I'm gonna stop what I'm doing and kick your ass," he said to his boys.

And then he turned to me and with a smile and a gleam in his 'eye he said to me, "Let's get it on. " I didn't wait. I lunged and punched that boy right in the nose: His head flew back and I was in and out of there in a flash. He never even saw me. I went in a second time and he was prepared this time. He hit me hard right on the jaw. We exchanged blows, and the fight was on. I knew that what I'really didn't want to do was to let him get his hands on me, so after that I started dancing. The 'roar of the crowd got louder. From the very first blow you could hear, "Come on, hit him! " But now I saw bhe crowd get larger. At first it had been just boys; p.ow' it was men. And there were some people (mostly women) hanging out of windows, watching. , The semi-circle almost instap.tly grew into a full circle. Eleven spectators turned into 20, 20 looked to be 30. Excitement draws people like flies are drawn to ·

honey. There were moments as I was dancing around, trying to find a place to hit him, that I felt there was no escape, that I was going to be beat up or killed on 27th and York. And the old , "It wasn't a good idea to come up here by myself," feeling rang through my head.

I must have lost concentration for a minute, because he lunged at me. He grabbed me with both hands, and raised me off the ground in a bear hug. I didn't ' know hq>w I had gotten into that position.

What I did know was that I had to get out of his grip, fast. It was not looking good. I hit him in the ears, then in the head. He wouldn't let go. It was all out war. at this point. I reached down with my mouth in a last hope and latched onto his ear. As I bit his ear he started . screaming and jumping around. Everyone was saying, "He's a sissy, he's a sissy, he's biting his ear." [Author's note: Notice how the language of the old ideas of manhood had a grip on all of us boys.]

Someone said, "Bobo, get him off you, get him off you." And Bobo and I hit the ground. The wind was knocked out of me some and I felt weight on my. chest and a little dizzy. I felt a foot kick me in the leg and somewhere around my waist, the hard cement on my back and my teeth jarred. Again it looked very, very bad. You never want to be on the ground in a fight, and you definitely don't want to be on the bottom. What I saw was a gang, a mob, converge.on these two bodies laying on the ground, pounding and. kicking and banging like a group of piranhas out of the water. I felt kicks everywhere because Bobo had covered me and no one could punch. .

I still held Bobos ear with my mouth and blood was coming out of it and I

.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.···········································-·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.· ..·.·.·.·.·.·

~

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could taste it. It was nasty, but I wouldn't let go. When he did rip his face from me, I had bit completely through his ear.

The boys were still kicking and fighting and Bobo was now receiving some of the blows intended for me. He began to fight back ; swinging backwards, trying to fend them off. Things wer:e frantic enough and the weight lifted off .me enough that I could begin to' crawl out. I pulled one or two more boys down in the process. As more and more went down, anyone on the ground was kicked and hit by the crowd. No one saw me crawl out and roll away near a parked car.

With a glimmer of hope , I sprang to my feet without thought and my feet couldn't move fast enough to get away.

Survival and instinct drove me. I heard nothing, felt nothing; I only saw the way clear. As I neared the corner, I looked back for a minute and through all the. chaos and havoc I saw they had JUSt realized that the object of their anger was gone. I heard a boy say, "There he is! " Now they were m my game.

I was off, up 27th and Ridge Ave. 1 headed home. These boys weren't like South Philly hoodlums who had cars.

These boys, like me , were basically all on foot. The usual dodging in and out of alleys, side streets and back streets got me close enough to horn,e to sort of settle down and thank God for another near escape from death. Bruises on my face , scratches on my body, blood coming out of my mouth (mostly not mine), ribs hurt bad, acl:].ing in my chest, sore all I over, I · limped home.

As I rounded Cambridge Street, it was probably ll in the evening. I didn't have a watch. One more ume the familiar sensation that I was about to get mto trouble came back. In all the excitement I had forgotten that I had needed to get horne at some reasonable hour. I'd been gone since eight in the morning. No on.e knew where I was. I knew my Mom and Aurit Virgie would be w~iting for me. My steps got slower and I knew that this was one battle I would not win.

A fine Saturday this had turned out to be: a crazy horse ride, a wicked fight and now a beating and two weeks' punishment. That was my Saturday adventure.

find out more about becomin9 a part of an LBGT Profeooional Center - an aooclciation of indepen_d ent email lnte.,ral 5olutlo'!" will create a oolid pr.,.,ence within the LG BT community creating referral,; for you while maintaining your anonymity for your non-gay clientele.

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20

welc;c;:me ~ i n~uire

INTERE5 TED IN TALKING?

I(413) 367...()170 Voice Male

By Charlie Hertan

Notes from Survivors

Recovering from Childhood Trauma

Cleaning the Wound

ne popular conception of psychotherapy is that it's the psychic equivalent of cleaning out old wounds. The answer to your problems is quite simple- go back and work through childhood conflicts and "complexes"; gain insight into how these old patterns affect your actions in the present; and presto, insight translates into change and you're cured.

Unfortunately, as real world therapists and many disgruntled clients can attest, it doesn't often work that way. Research and practice have found that insight doesn't necessarily translate into action. Many behaviors like drinking or smoking are very resistant to change, and what's needed is not so much insight into why you're doing them, but proven techniques or "programs" to help you stay the course of recovery.

Disappointing, isn't it? The idea of "pulling up the problem by the roots" is so direct and sensible, it seems a shame that it shouldn't work. As a consequence of these findings, many therapists and theorists respond by adopting more of a focus on the present-for them, the meat of the work is to focus on problem solving in the here and now.

Curiously (and luckily for survivors like me), there seems to be one area of therapy where the "cleaning the wound" metaphor is very apt, and that area is recovery from childhood abuse, including sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect and severe emotional abuse. My experience .as a survivor and a therapist confirms what trauma research and recovery programs will tell you:

0

Voice Male

Psychotherapy focused on reliving the memories , feelings , thoughts , and total experience surrounding the abuse (in the context of a safe, supportive and knowledgeable therapeutic relationship; i.e. going back and "cleaning out the old wound" so that it can heal right), is remarkably effective and usually the best treatment for adult survivors of childhood trauma. l like the way that trauma expert Beverly james lays out the process in her work with traumatized children. Her four point approach is apropos for adult survivors as well: • Clarify for children why it is necessary to slowly and carefully examine what has happened to them.

• Help children re-create the traumatic elements in play and fantasy, where they can be victorious survivors rather than victims.

• Enable the youngsters to acknowledge their own ideas, feelings and • behaviors related to the event.

• Assist children in accepting the realities of their experiences without minimizing or exaggerating the significance of what happened, thus helping them achieve mastery. ' My personal experience in therapy provides dramatic support for these ideas.

My first course of therapy lasted two years and wasn't very helpful. We flitted around and talked a lot about present issues, "standard modern therapy" stuff. l was forthcoming about my early abuse history, but no special emphasis was placed on it. ln group therapy, l disclosed an incident when l was molested at ·age 14. (Survivors are very susceptible to subsequent abuse, as they tend to "freeze like a deer in headlights" in situations of potential violation.) l was told in no uncertain terms by the therapist that l had "seduced" my over 35-year-old abuser. So my brave attempt to expose, and hopefully heal old wounds was met by shaming and retraumatization.

My next course of therapy was completely different. l had just read The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davies, and although the authors were referring to women victims of childhood sexual abuse and l was a male victim of

serious childhood neglect, l was amazed as l realized that the adult impact of abuse they were describing was exactly what I felt; feelings of rage, fear, selfloathing, isolation, emptiness, fear of intimacy; each symptom and the way they described it absolutely hit the nail on the head. I knew then that I was a survivor; and after absorbing that book like a sponge, I went in search of a therapist who specialized in working with male trauma survivors, and was lucky to find an expert in the Boston area, where I was living at the time.

This time, the entire therapy wa.s · focused on "cleaning the wound ," and examining how my trauma history was influencing my current life. Bob was a terrific, compassionate, patient listener.

His demeanor and obvious knowledge of "what it was about" helped me feel safe enough to gradually share every aspect of my survivor experience as an eight-yearold: the terror and isolation, the selftorture and abuse, all the incidents and feelings I was so ashamed of and afraid to talk about-things I'd never disclosed to anybody. Over a period of two years, many whole sessions were spent with me dredging up over whelming incidents, "flashing back" to the exact feeling states I'd had at the time and describing what was going on for me, what l was seeing, thinking, feeling. I would look up into Bob's face, full of compassion, right there with me, witnessing exactly what I had gone through all alone as a child.

Sometimes he would make heartfelt comments, such as, "I can't believe they left you all alone like that!" The feeling of validation, not being alone in the midst of such pain was indescribably joyful.

With Bob's help, I was able to "integrate" the trauma, fully acknowledge, feel and release all I had thought , felt and experienced alone in the basement as an eight-year-old. It was scary, hard work but the sense of relief and release was incredible. Sharing burdens I'd been carrying around for 2 7 years was such a deep and satisfying experience for me; I can only describe it as spiritual.

The bad news is, things didn't get "all better" once I integrated my trauma. The pain, anger and betrayal of havi.ng been

continued on page 24 21

By Patrick john Tangredi

Men &Arts

Tough Guys Don't Cry (Except on Stage) I he theater in America has been slowly dying for the last few generations. Its fast going the way of the carnival sideshow, while no one but "theater people" seems to care.

Interestingly, however, the theater stands as one of the few remaining emotionally based "ritual spaces" in which men can work. If for no other reason than that, a theater is a unique and valuable place. A male can step out of the narrow social expectations that surround masculinity, don a costume and step onto a stage to become a king or a thief, Don juan or Faust, Hamlet or Iago. He can take on a plethora of roles, enact their behaviors and not be admonished by his observers. On the contrary, he may wind up being applauded by his community for successfully "stepping out of himself."

Viewed in this light, it's puzzling that more men don't participate in theater. It's a great opportunity to partake in a ritual to explore our identity. Perhaps so few men take that chance because there are subtle obstacles at the very edge of the stage, just beyond the curtain, some unspoken taboos that linger in their minds. One of those is certainly the stereotype of the gay man in the theater. With that stereotype come others: the effeminate qualities, highpitched voices, and limp wrists that must belong to drag queens or sex-crazed perverts (if not both). I've been in the theater for 15 years , as an actor, director, and teacher, and I've never met any man who truly fits those descriptions. On the contrary, I've met a vibrant spectrum of men, gay and straight, who aren't so different from those I've met in baseball leagues or at bars Older men of the theater are fascinating to me. They often tell stories of the good old days, or tales of having performed with one famous actor or another. Its a privilege to work with these men and gain from their experience. That$ not common in a culture with such a father hunger.

Having a male mentor is an exceptionally rewarding, if not essential, experience. But mentoring requires first of all the desire of the student to learn. That quality is also rare among many self-assured, ego-driven young men, and it takes no shortage of ego to step out in front of the lights onstage.

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Diverse men are slowly making their mark on the American theater. African, Asian, Native American, and Middle Eastern men have been doing so for a long time in their native theaters, but the United States has been slow in responding to their creativity. David Henry Hwangs M Butterfly was a clear exception, challenging the Wests misguided perceptions of Asian men: Some cultures actually value expressive men. Many Latin-influenced countries boast that their men have great emotional depth and prowess. Indigenous peoples have often been represented in the past as emotional children by Westerners, but that view has been revisited and shown to be false.

Quite the opposite, in fact. In the West, iJ:?-dustri~l society has largely bleached out our emotional body, and we're just now discovering how dangerous that process has become. There are many connections here with the growing male propensity to commit acts of violence, rape, and abuse. If we cannot express ourselves comfortably now, we will express what we feel (and deny) in decidedly uncomfortable ways later.

Not long ago I had the dubious task of having to cry onstage. It was a challenge to make this scene seem "real" in front of hundreds of audience members. In truth, I found it very difficult to act the scene in rehearsaljn front of the actresses and the play's female director. Having the men (and a rare group of men it was, all very supportive and emotionally available) in the room helped some, but having to cry in front of the women in the cast made me very self-conscious. In retrospect I wonder what kind of ideas I have about my own emotional security. Would crying in front of women make me appear weak? My wife tells me that the opposite is true; it would show a strength. My inner voiceis it instinct, or only that dubious inner voice of male socialization?-told me she was wrong. It was only after the production ended that I was able to reflect on the subtle problem of openil}g up not to men, but to women, with whom I thought I had been open. I learned that with the right amount of rehearsal, I can cry on cue in front of 300 strangers each

night, but not in the presence of my peers.

Despite all my years in the theater, traditional male socialization still has its grip on me.

In ancient, medieval, and some modern theatrical rituals, masks were often a necessity. The mythology behind, and meaning of, these masks was part of the audiences common cultural language. As men, we wear subtle masks every day. We wear suits to work, or uniforms, or brand names. We drive vehicles chosen to display our personalities-or what we wish they were, like crafting new identities on the Internet. We're creating our own masks, but their underlying meanmg is too distant for us to recognize. These masks are a surface, a false skin, and show too little of our interior lives to serve us. We serve them. Theatrical masks of the past were sacred objects. If you mishandled them, or didn't treat them with the proper respect, you risked angering the forces that gave them their power. Call it superstition, or a healthy respect for our place in the hierarchy of nature, but today's man has little to offer in the way of revered natural symbols. This situation, however, is not irreversible.

In times like ours, men are calling out-crying out-for serious reflection and there$ a lot to think about. If the theater is actually transforming, and not dying, then there$ an opportunity to see the changing face of our new world. Maybe, just maybe, there$ a place for men to reclaim their place on that stage. There's room for everyone. The only limitations in a theater are those of the imagination. For mens sake, for women$ sake, for future generations, for the sake of the ritual, for the sake of the sacred-we'd be well 路 . advised to return to the ancient realm of the theater, the realm of roles and masks, before it's too late. Before it dies, and our chance to seize the opportunity to express ourselves within its unique ritual space dies with it.

Patrick john Tangredi is an actor, teacher, motorcycle rider, and former wrestler. He lives in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Voice Male

Intuitive Counseling Dream Reading

Cody Sisson "Teaching the art of healing the wound"

Dragon-Heart.com

As an Aries "Industrialist Gearhead," I have lived "Life in the Fiery Lane," building, creating and achieving. The more I achieved the more I became aware of the fact that I was not obtaining the fulfillment I was looking for, so in the same manor I attacked the physical woild I went off to explore my emotional world. Through this exploration and transformation, I learned to have a deep belief that everyone should build beliefs and truths that are truly their own. Unfortunately we are thrust onto this plane to flounder around on our own, looking for answers to our many questions about truths and beliefs that will support and comfort us through this journey. For most of our lives, we work for things that we cannot take with us. From my diverse background and training, I have developed the expertise and love of helping others find the tools to build their own beliefs and truths through Intuitive Counseling and Dream Reading, so they can work on the things that we can take with us.

Dream Reading Dreams are the stage in the theater of life where our inner self is able to act out its true feelings. Dreams hold the clues to those elusive answers of the many questions we have as our lives unfold.

Intuitive Counseling Working intuitively at a highly energetic level, I use the person's dreams and feelings, enabling -their awareness and understanding of the emergence of their true inner-self. Once at this point, I am able to teach the individual, ''The Art of Healing The Wound."

I am available for Dream Reading and Intuitive Counseling for individuals and couples at my offices in Greenfield, Shelburne Falls and Acton, MA. Initial Visit is free. Flexible fees available.

Cody Sisson

(413) 498-5950

Email: cody@dragon-heart.com

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THANK YOU he Men's Resource Center is truly a community organization. We have grown to where we are now because hundreds of people have shared our inspiration and commitment, and contributed their time, services, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our community support also expand.

We are filled With deep gratitude at the outpouring of support. We hope the following acknowledgments communicate a sense of being part of a growing community of support. Thank you.

T

In-Kind Donations Amber Waves, Amherst Chinese Restaurant, Antonio's, Bart's Homemade, Ben & Bill's Chocolates, Bertucci's, Black Sheep Deli, Bread & Circus, The Brewery, Bueno y Sano, Claudia's Cafe, Green Street Cafe, Hampshire College, Kamel Hassan's Furniture Barn, Henion Bakery, Knowles Florists, La Salle Florists, La Veracruzana, Nancy Jane's , Nuttleman's Florists, Paul and Elizabeth's, The Pub, Red Rose Pizzeria; Sylvester's, Vermont Country Deli

As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of.it.

Office and Reception Volunteers Maurice Posada, Tom Schuyt Support Group Facilitators Paul Abbott, Bruce Bokor, Michael Burke, Douglas DaRif, Philip Fitz, Tim Gordon, Michael Greenebaum, Ken Howard, Steven Jacobsen, Walter Lesure, Gabor Lukacs, Alex MacPhail, Rick Martin , Bob Mazer, Nathan McCaskill, Jim Napolitan , Sheldon Snodgrass Youth Volunteers Hanan Al-Balali, Vafa Ansarifar, Jonathan Bell, Elena Botkin-Levy, Michelle Burke, Maia Ciesluk, Ali Feely, Carly Goss , Taylor Korfhage-Poret, Mark Ribble, Sarah Smart, Steven Theberge, Mikiko Thelwell, Dominick Usher Donated Space Hampshire Community Action Commission, Northampton

William P. Ryan, Ph.D. is pleased to announce the opening of a new office in Shelburne Falls William P. Ryan , Ph.D. Psychologist

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continued from page 21

Cleaning the Wound abused doesn't dissolve into bliss and forgiveness . In fact, one thing I like ab out the Bass 路and Davies book is the authors' insistence that forgiving the abuser is not necessary for recovery; forgiving yourself is. The authors note that family members often react to adult disclosure of past abuse with denial and blame. I decided to "come out" to my whole family (parents and sister) about my trauma experience, out of a personal need not to hide who I am and to break the cycle of family shame and denial. My mother, with whom I'd had a very stormy relationship , listened with rapt attention and apologized, and our relationship has been getting better ever since. My father and sister responded with denial, anger and blame as the book had predicted (I was really glad I'd been prepared for it!) My sister and I h ave been able to work things through somewhat, while my father pretty much shut me out of his life in response to my disclosure.

Do I forgive him? Honestly, no.

Forgiveness has to be genuinely felt . The way he treated me as a child was wrong, and now he's compounding it by rejecting me because he can't deal with my history as a victim and who I am. Of course I'm angry.

The good news is that my road to recovery is part of a lifelong path of healing, one lined with a much deeper connection to myself, my body, my past, my experience. I understand my struggles and strive to forgive myself and "let go" on a daily basis. I understand why adolescence and early adulthood were so awkward and disappointing; how could they not be, when my survivor experienc'e had taught me to hate and punish myself, taught me that I wasn't worth loving, that I deserved to be neglected and mistreated. These are the lessons abuse teaches any child. I grieve for the loss of what could have been had I been dealt a better hand and I try to let go of the grief and rejoice in my ability to "be a good parent to myself' and love myself in the now I'm not hiding in shame anymore. I know who I am and where I come from, and I'm proud of my journey.

Charlie Hertan is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with a special interest in mens healing. He welcomes reader comments at che rtan@ javanet.com.

24

Voice Male

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS · Open Men's Group- 7-9 p.m. Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p.m. at 218 State St., Northampton. A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other. · Survivors of Childhood Abuse - Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse, Call the MRC (413) 253-9887, for details. · Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, & Questioning 7-9 p.m. Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

FATHERING PROGRAMS A variety of resources are available - lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences.

Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures .

YOUTH EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP) · · Socially Active Youth (SAY) : In collaboration with the Everywpman's Center, we train high school and college males and females to do projects in the community on sexual assault prevention education, violence prevention, and youth empowerment.

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE) MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available. : Basic Groups: Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and courtmandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Ware, Springfield and Greenfield. ' · Follow-up: Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst. · Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program. · Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections. · Teen Groups: A lO week MOVE group for young men (ages 14-19) who have been violent or abusive to others. · Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention.

· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual Harassment Prevention and Response," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia," among other topics . Specific trainings and consultation available. . ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJECT A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there."

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES Information about events, counselors, groups, local, regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members .

VOICE MALE Published. quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity. -

INTEGRI1Y DEVELOPMENT AND CONSTRUCTION RESIDENTIAL AND COMMERCIAL CONSTRUCTION CALL US FOR A FREE CONSULTATION 413-549-7919

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25

RESOURCES l\1en~s

Resources

AIDS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV. . The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups, nutritional . supplements, dressings and supplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, famil ies and children , with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent ai d program fo r parents experiencing stress.

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals 123 Hawley St. , Northampton . Doors open at 6 PM.

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016 GLBT (Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling &Therapy Referral Service · (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street; Northampton , MA 01060. Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or · questioning their sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons. · The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) 254-4444 Brattlebom, VT. Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops, and volunteer opportunities.

Contact Carey Johnson.

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, Cambridge, Mass. _ Information and support for gay and bisexual men suffering from relationship violence.

Phone (617) 497-7317, email: GMDVP@JUNO.COM

'

Konza Massage Deep tissu e, sports, structural body work an d relaxation therapy for men

Joseph Babcock Amherst 4l3.587.4334 A.M.T.A Member Nation ally Certified One ho.u r ~assage for $30 with this ad ... expires 3/31/2000

Aeadv to Change Your ·Life?

Men's Group Therapy Psychotherapy for:

Couples - Families Individuals

4 I 3-586-7454 .

Reed Schimmelfing MSW, LICSW Offices In Northampton

Sam Femiano, Th.D., Ed.D LICENSED CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Individual and group p sychotherapy Therapy groups for male survivors of childhood abuse

GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society) ..:. GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County.

Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. For more information , call (413) 774-7028.

Life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Counseling for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people.· www.valinet.com/-lifecour Men's Drop-In Group , First and third Tuesday 7-8:30 pm, Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men Against Violence First and third Tuesday 5-6 pm, Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926 Men's Therapy Group (413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing, MSW Sex &Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England .

The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 University of Mass., Amherst.

A lesbian, bisexual, gay & transgender educational resource center.

Toughlove International ~ is a self-help program for parents troubled by their children 's behavior. Parent-led support groups combine philosophy and action that can help · change behavior and support the family. New group forming in Amherst. Contact Robin MacRostie at (413) 549-6403, email: srmacrostie@yahoo.com. To contact local groups elsewhere, call (800) 333-1069.

Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 P.O. Box 181 , Northampton , .

MA 01061-0181. Western Massachusetts' gay social and service organization.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project .

(802) 254-4444; free , confidential HIV/AIDS services, including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities.

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents, professionals, etc. Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry - (413) 584-6599. · Valuable Families Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes and respects our lesbian , gay and bisexual families of origin and of choice. PO Box 60634, Florence, MA 01 062; Valfams@crocker. com Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the · Pioneer Valley Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports, Hadley for socializing, discussions, and games. (413) 586-0633.

Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield For confidential information about weekly meetings call (413) 739-4342 .

25 MAIN STREET - NORTHAMPTON, MA 01060 Tel: 413-586-051 5 • FAX: 413-584-8903 • EMAIL:PATSAM®JAVANET.COM

26

Vo'ice Male

RESOURCES Internet Resources Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www.mrc-wma.com National Men's Resource Center Nati?nal calendar of events, directory of men's servtces and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships. www.menstuff.org The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html 100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm.org Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/profem.html Fathers At Home Dad: www.parentsplace.com/readroom/athomedad The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc 路 National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc.umn.edu/Fathernet The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org Magazines Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon.co.uk/achilles/issues.h tml XY:men. sex politics (from Australia): http://coombs.anu.edu.au/- gorkin/XY/xyintro. htm Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.html Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139/quitporn .html Men For Change: CommunitySupport/Men4Change/m4c_back. html

Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk, Amherst, Massachusetts.

Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Variety of needs for volunteers at the MRC office.

Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project Cambridge, Mass. ' Seeking volunteers for the nation's first safe home network serving gay and bisexual men and transgendered people. In need of safe home providers and other volunteers.

Extensive training and stipend provided.

Phone Mark Green at (617) 497-7317, email GMDVP@JUNO.COM

Bullard Farm Bed and Breakfast and Conference Center

978-544-6959 400 acres of woods, fields and rivers prime accessible location

New Salem

Staff the MAC Reception Area Help out at Special Events Distribute Voice Male Magazine Become a Support Group Facilitator

Want to learn more?

Call the MRC at (413) 253-9887

MEDIATION Jon E. Kent Divorce, Family, Business

"Transforming Conflict Into Opportunity" 413-586-0512

JonK@igc.apc.org

Coun~etlng SHa

<'fpoce~

0Pknfed ~odywork

I Vlt'efJ'Y'at"~ bo4Y, ~ lM'\.dt ~Wit:

Volunteers N eeded AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neightiors affected by HIV or AIDS. Men are especially needed . .

Volunteers Needed at the MRCI

J~COtU11III

11-1 3. 773.7226

Robert Mazer psychotherapy for men in transition, men seeking movement in their lives free initial consultation I flexible fees staff member at the Synthesis Center in Amhe~st

Men 's Retreats Welcome Voice Male

27

MEN MUST CHALLENGE THE MASCULINE CULTURE OF VIOLENCE

W

~. th~ undersigned men of aD seKual orien!ations,join qdher to publicly demand an end to the harassment and assaults apimt men, lesbians, bisewals and transgmde~ ~le. We know most hate crimes are committed men. We know homophobic viol~nce in our cormruruty is allowed to continue by both our collective silence and by a cultul"l! that says py men, lesbians, bisexuals and transgendered ~le are evil, sinful and sick. We know without strong hat~ aime laws - and their strict enforcement- as a society- ar~ 5Mdinl a messag~ ~g this violence is tolerated.

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hel"l!fore, w~ commit ourselves to conlionting 1M homophobia ~mbedded in the dominant culture of masculinity and to challenging men's obic attitud~ and behaviors. We furthe r commit ourselves to supporting crin,le enfOrcement, induding protecting the rights of gay men, lesbians, bisexuals and tranSg~ ~to live safely in our communities. And, we commit ourselv~ to cr~ting comrrunities of men who support one anoth~r in 1M full expression of the diversity of ourlives.

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Paul Abbott ·Peter Acker Bill Ames Anonymous Vafa Ansarlfar Michael April juan Carlos Ardn DougArey Allan Arnatoldi jaim~ Babson Ron Baer Michael Baines

Brooks Ballenger Daniel Barbezot Micha~l Baumgartn~r

Mark B~rgeron Stuart Bicknell Alan H. Bloomgard~n Chris de Boinville D.ani~l Botkin Steven Botkin

Tom Boynton • Russell Bradbury-Carlin john Broucek Steven M. Brown Peter Burlce Mlchotl Burke Russ Carrier Russ Carson.Croner Dan T. Chose Chris Chieffo Marco A. Cliva BickCorsa Dan Creighton Peter Cris~fulli l Andrew Cryotal Peter D. Daniell Dovid C. Dann Allen j . Davis

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G~bra:~ Moonli1ht Davis Bill Defell joseph DICenso Tim Diehl Michael Dover Bob Dunn BlrryEison JamHEIMry Paul Entis Carl Erikson , Matt Erikson Sam Femiano Bert Femiinder Ethan Fierro Coop~r D. Findlay john R. Findley Seth F'osch~r Will~nders

joyous Fox·~ Jonathan Frank Tom Gardner J~rry Garofalo jim Geoffrion G~e~ Gillespie Scott Girard Tim Gordon Dow Gott JoeGrowllne Michael Greenebaum Robert Gmnspan Daniel Grubbs Crill H1rblson Louis Hubrvuck Dennis H~lmus ThomHerman Michael D. Holroyd~ john Hooptraten Richard Hooke Daniel Hopkins

joshua Hornick jack Hornor Josephus Housey,Jr. Grant ln1le Steve j1cobsen Noah jacobson Steve jefferson Peter JH.sop Tyjoubert Dan Karp jeff Kassis Robert E. Kartene~ LanKa!% Jack Kelleher Dave Kielson PerryKi~ge

jerry Koch.Conzal~z Toni Kovar Dale Kowacki Robert Kuri.in David La Chance H~nry LapP.,n Brett Lefferts John Lentz Jim Levey ScottUndell F1rt1sworth Lobenstine Geoff Lobenstlne Gordon Lohnes Vemeii ·P. Ludwis Alex MacPhail David j. Maisey Robert Markey George Markham Tom Maxfield Robert Mozer jeffM<Que<n Kevin McVeigh Elijah Miller

Jedd Miller Steven Miller Terry Molln~r Dennis Moriarty Tom Murray Dan Myers Tom Neilson Paul Newlin Mark Nickerson Richard Niedel Fran O'Connell Rob O.kun jaron Ol~vsq Ram6n Oliva David Perlmutter Donald S. Pitkin Tom Plaut Barry Po ret Maurice Posada Read Predmore Douglas H. Premo M1tt Redeen Mark Ribble jeffrey Ridlin11on Harvey L Rivard Ivan E. Rivera David Rosenmiller Paul Roud Larry Ruhf john Ryan Alan C. Sax joel Saxe Tom Schiff Cody Sisson

BlueSq William Spaderman Barry Sparkes David Sprague john Sprague Mark A. Spruell Uan S~rkweath<r Doug Stephens Stev~ Strimer Charlie Stuart Harlan Sturm Glenn Swanson jimmyTarr Kenton Tharp Stev~ Theberge PeterTh~

David Thompson john Thompson Ro11er Tincknell Tim Von Ness Alan Weiner Tom Weiner Ro.b ert Weitzman Marty Wells Mark Wilson Rob Wilson Robert M. Winston Lyons Witten Steve Wolf joseph Wrank.a G. D ~an Zimmerman Randy Zucco

1r-------~----------------~--, MemiHrship Open To All I TH• M•N'e a•eouac• c•NT•a OP I w .. uaN MAeeacNuenTe c•ac)·· I 1s;,,,. 1982, lhc Men'• - c.. boo- •upponi.. -I• ~ I I

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